The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Oh right :doh: dont watch the cockney crap cant understand a word that they say :haha:

Me neither but the daughter does :DL

[Randomizer]

Need the Wife to translate Dr. Who and MI-5 so I can understand what they're saying.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

[Sailor Steve]

I can't believe how stupid that Post Office clerk was.
He said that my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it.

Like that's going to make it lighter.
Jim, I didn't know you were blonde. :O:

[Jimbuna]

Jim, I didn't know you were blonde. :O:

Twenty year ago maybe :DL

I said to my parents, "Mum, Dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, cool," they replied.

"Your luggage is outside," I added.

[BossMark]

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "You should consider me when picking a film to watch on TV."

So I put the subtitles on in case I couldn't hear it.

[BossMark]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[Jimbuna]

I read in the paper, the other day, that 60,000 kids are gambling addicts.

Mine are. They eat my wife's cooking everyday.

[BossMark]

A couple were celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house.

Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honour our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it".

The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..."

So the husband leaves for this local delicacy and buys a lot of snails.

On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this bucket of snails waiting for him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.

He starts running like crazy carrying the bucket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bucket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.
When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says:

"Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it..."

[Jimbuna]

There was a knock at the door last night. I opened it to find a man standing there with a clipboard. "Good evening," he said. "Are you aware..."

"Yes, yes I am," I interrupted, trying to get rid of him.

He pulled out a gun and shot me.

As I lay on the floor in a pool of blood, I shouted, "What the hell was that?"

"A silver bullet," he replied. "I was asking if you were a werewolf."

[Platapus]

The pope is working on a English Language crossword puzzle.

He turns to a cardinal and asks "Cardinal, I need a four letter word that can mean a woman and it must end in UNT"

The cardinal thinks for a bit and then says, "Your holiness, the word you are looking for is AUNT.

The pope thinks for a moment and then says "can I borrow an eraser?"

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday i went to a shop which sold both kitchen appliances and aquatic animals. The assistant showed me a oven with a shark in it.
I asked "Do you have anything else?"
He then showed me a washing machine with a whale in it.
I said, "I need something much, much smaller."

He said well thats a whole different kettle of fish.

[BossMark]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said that she couldn"t possibly wear them as they were too large. I said to her, "of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."Jack took his father"s advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said, "I can"t wear these, they"re far too large for me." "Exactly," Jack replied, "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don"t want you to ever forget that." Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on, Jack," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small."I can"t get into your knickers," said Jack.So Jill replied "Exactly, and if you don"t change your bloody attitude, you never will!"

[Jimbuna]

Ever since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant a lot has changed.

Like my name, address, and telephone number.

[BossMark]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac.

Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?"

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

[Jimbuna]

I was in a club last night when this hot girl came up to me and said that I was just the guy she was looking for.

Turns out she was the barmaid and realized I was paying for my round with forged twenty pound notes.

[BossMark]

In Britain, some 50 chavs die every week from drinking too much Tesco-brand vodka.
Every little helps!

[Lord_magerius]

Didn't realise signs had birthdays.

Just seen one with a 50 on it and some flowers.

[Jimbuna]

Joey Barton has been sent off for QPR.

In other news, water is wet.

[BossMark]

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a short cut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewellery from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"

"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."

"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."

"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.

"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

[Jimbuna]

A lady says to her doctor "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"

The doctor replies "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."

[BossMark]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[BossMark]

Paddy and Murphy were constructing a shed in the back garden.
While nailing the back to the left-hand side of the shed Paddy was using some nails and chucking the others to the right-hand side of the shed.
Murphy said "Why do you keep throwing nails to the other side?"
Paddy replied, "Those have points on the wrong end, i"ll use them later."

[Jimbuna]

If you can't afford to go to the doctors, just visit the airport.

You get a free xray and breast exam. And if you mention Al-Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

[BossMark]

Went on a pleasure trip last weekend.
Drove my mother-in-law to the airport.

[Jimbuna]

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

[BossMark]

A blonde, brunette, and a red head were all in a race swimming breaststroke across the English channel. The brunette came in first, and the red head right after. When they were taking the blonde back on a lifeboat she said,"I don't want to be a tell tale, but the other two used their arms."

[Jimbuna]

Margaret Thatcher film 'The Iron Lady' has been classed as a 12A.

It is unsuitable for miners.

[BossMark]

Margaret Thatcher film 'The Iron Lady' has been classed as a 12A.

It is unsuitable for miners.
:haha:Nice one, I for one shall not be watching it, as it as no happy ending (the bitch doesn't die)

[Herr-Berbunch]

:haha:Nice one, I for one shall not be watching it, as it as no happy ending (the bitch doesn't die)

But you may just see her in her true light as a gentle, caring, human being who only put on a vicious front to keep her job. :hmmm:

Or not. :03:

[Jimbuna]

Got a letter from debt collectors this morning saying that they have bought my debt from Littlewoods and that I now owe the money to them.

So I've sent a letter back saying that I have sold my bill to Greece.

[BossMark]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave £10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little boy"s jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the £10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[Jimbuna]

Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world.

That honour now goes to Manchester City.

[BossMark]

A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "If you were the only person on the planet, and you could pick one person to be with you... Who would you choose?"

I said, "Your mother."

Looking puzzled she said, "Why my mother?"

I said, "Because there wouldn't be anybody around to arrest me after I'd clubbed her to death."

[u crank]

Family gathers after funeral of loved one who passes peacefully in sleep. The conversation turns to how they would like to go. One person says in the arms of a loved one. Another says watching his favorite sports team and so on.
Finally all eyes are on Grandad who smiles. Oh yeah I want to go in my sleep as well... not like everyone else in the car, screaming in terror.

[Jimbuna]

I for one applaud Alex Furguson for the cultural diversity of his squad, calling the ginger out of retirement to complete the set was a fine touch.

[BossMark]

How do you know when petrol prices are at their highest?
London taxi drivers start to take the shortest route.

[Jimbuna]

I was having an issue with people copying and pasting sensitive data at work, at first I didn't know what to do but I've finally taken ctrl.

[BossMark]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mummy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[Jimbuna]

'Hi, do you do take-aways?' I asked the local Chinese restaurant on the phone.

'Yes we do, how can I help?'

'Oh good ... what's 12 minus 5?'

[u crank]

Two married lady friends meet once a week for coffee and chit chat. Their conversations cover a wide range of topics and one day sex came up. First lady, trying to be as modest as she can, says her husband is a kind and considerate lover and she is quite satisfied. Second lady, a little annoyed, replies, my husband's idea of foreplay is to yell, "Brace yourself honey!"

[Sailor Steve]

That reminds me...

Italian Foreplay: "Hey, you awake?"

Jewish Foreplay: Forty years of begging.

[BossMark]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[Jimbuna]

What does a Chinese man with one leg and a car have in common?

Both rely on a clutch to get anywhere.

[Sailor Steve]

@ BossMark: You've already told that one. :O:

[Herr-Berbunch]

And it didn't take SS to spot it either. :03:

[Jimbuna]

I am a highly successful, well-known and respected electrician.

I owe much to my father's advice. "Stay grounded, son", he always used to tell me.

[BossMark]

@ BossMark: You've already told that one. :O:
Oops :oops::oops:


I"ve just received news that my partner is carrying our first child.
He"s eight years old,and he"s always been a lazy little bastard.

[Jimbuna]

Antony Worrall Thompson's new recipe sounds good:

A pinch of this and a pinch of that!

[BossMark]

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

[Herr-Berbunch]

Antony Worrall Thompson's new recipe sounds good:

A pinch of this and a pinch of that!

I've only heard about this on the radio, but I can imagine at least one of the headlines ran: Ready, Steady, Crook. :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

Antony Worrall Thompson says he is getting help for his shoplifting.

Next time his brother is coming along to keep an eye on the security guard.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Who takes the second shot in snooker?

Find out after the break.

:nope:

[Herr-Berbunch]

A professor at a university was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Ah Sheesh, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[Herr-Berbunch]

Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco.

He's clearly run out of dough.


Antony Worrall Thompson was caught stealing cheese from Tesco.

He should have done it more Caerphilly.

[BossMark]

A man was walking at mid-night on the road adjacent to the graveyard. It was very dark. He was looking left and right and one could say that he was very nervous. He saw another man walking a little ahead of him and increased his pace so that he could catch up with him for company till he crosses the graveyard.

He said to him, "It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here."

The other man replied, "I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven't seen one yet."

[Jimbuna]

I like to dress up in a poodle costume and go searching for chocolate and coconut treats.

I like to think I'm Dog the Bounty Hunter.

[BossMark]

After waiting in line, she finally got to the desk and looked at the librarian straight in the eye.
"Yes, ma'am?" the librarian said.
"I have a complaint! I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"Horrible?"
"Yes. The worst I've ever seen!" the blonde exclaimed.
"What was wrong with it?" the ever-patient librarian asked.
The blonde rolled her eyes at having to explain. "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
"Ah," the librarian nodded and said. "Are you the one who took our phone book?"

[Jimbuna]

I phoned Moneysupermarket today and said, "I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert."

"Ok" they said, "How much is your car insurance at the moment?"

I said, "£400."

[steve_the_slim]

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!”

“Yes, Ma’am?” said the librarian looking up at her.

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!” said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So you must be t

Wait, where's the punch line?

[Jimbuna]

My thoughts too :hmmm:

[stoppro]

maybe it was a book about the alphabet.

[Sailor Steve]

Can you imagine somebody telling the joke out loud and stopping there?

[BossMark]

Wait, where's the punch line?

My thoughts too :hmmm:

Can you imagine somebody telling the joke out loud and stopping there?
:oops:Sorted had a little too much to drink yesterday :D

[BossMark]

A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND SOME CHIPS."
The librarian says, "This is a library."

The blonde says, "Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND CHIPS.''

And the librarian says, one more time, ''But this is a library, miss!"

The blonde goes "Oh," and whispers, "I'll have a hamburger a coke and chips!"

[Jimbuna]

I just seen an ape with a tin-opener!

I said 'you dont need a tin opener to peel a banana!'

He said 'I know this is for the custard!'

[BossMark]

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[Jimbuna]

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Tell her to count the steps on an escalator.

[BossMark]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

[Jimbuna]

Certainly wasn't expecting Roast Chicken for dinner on my first day in Prison, but according to my slightly too friendly new cell mate 'White meat's back on the menu tonight!'

[BossMark]

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo games didn't work, the spaghetti dinners & pancake breakfasts didn't work, he even tried raffling an old Ford and that didn't help. So the priest though of trying out horse racing. He went to a horse auction and saw that the good horses were way too expensive for a poor parish, so he settled on a little donkey that was standing in the corner.

he was a man of God, he had faith, and ran the donkey. It came in third. There was a little headline in the Racing Form next morning, PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.

The next race the donkey won, and the headline read, PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

the bishop of the diocese said that the priest had better stop racing the donkey so the church could avoid bad publicity. The next days headline read BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS and the bishop was livid! He sent a message to stop racing NOW, get rid of the donkey, didn't even want the beast at the rectory.

so the priest gave the donkey to the mother superior of the convent down the road. The headline read NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN and the bishop passed out in his cornflakes.

The nun was so torn up with guilt that she sold the donkey to a farmer just outside town. The headline read NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR TEN POUNDS. They buried the bishop the next day.

[Sailor Steve]

The worlds shortest fortune teller just escaped from prison. The headlines read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!"

[Jimbuna]

Of my two ex-wives, the one I hate the most was the one who left me for another women.

I think of her as the lezza of two evils.

[BossMark]

I went to donate blood the other day, but they wouldn"t take it.
Apparently they need to know where it comes from.

[BossMark]

A copper in London pulled over a driver who"d been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser."The man reached into his pocket and produced a doctor"s note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."The officer said, "OK then; I need you to come and give a blood sample."The man produced another letter. This one read: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."So the officer said, "Right, I need a urine sample then."The man produced a third letter from his pocket.It read, "This man is an American. Please don"t take the piss out of him."

[Jimbuna]

Isn't it ironic that Emile Heskey's daughter is known as Miss Heskey?

[vienna]

A man was in an antique shop when he saw a very rare, very large grandfather clock for sale. He bought it on the spot and asked to have it delivered to his home. The shop owner said there would be a rather large delivery fee. The man did not want to pay the fee, so he decided to try and carry the clock home himself. He hoisted the clock onto his back and, nearly doubled over, he carried the clock out of the store and down the street. As he struggled with the clock, he passed a local bar. A drunken patron came staggering and stumbling out of the bar and collided with the man carrying the clock. The man, the clock, and the drunk all crashed down to the sidewalk with the clock getting the worst of it, shattering into dozens of pieces. The man sat up, looked at his demolished clock, turned to the drunk and shouted "Why don't you look where you're going!!!". The drunk sat up, looked at the destroyed clock, turned to the man and replied "Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everyone else??"...

[Jimbuna]

A policeman gets home one night to find three men in bed with his wife.

"'Hello 'ello 'ello...?" he exclaims.

His wife replies, "Are you not saying hello to me then?"

[BossMark]

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.
He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone...

[BossMark]

teacher asked her first grade class how many of them were fans of President Obama. Not understanding what the teacher meant but seeking her approval, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked him why he couldn't go along with the rest of the class.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

"Is it because your racist?" suggested the teacher.

"No," Johnny replied scornfully, "because I'm a Republican!

"Why in the world would you want to be a Republican?" asked his teacher.

Little Johnny looked at her like she was dumb. "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

The teacher looked at the rest of the class and smiled sweetly at the young boy. "Well," said the teacher,"if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big toothy grin little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan!"

[Jimbuna]

Announcement over the public address system on a train:

"Good afternoon, this is your ticket inspector speaking. In approximately half an hour, I will be coming to inspect your tickets. I would like to ask all the ladies on board to begin their search NOW."

[Jimbuna]

Got into a bit of trouble and the police came to arrest me, so I did a runner.
Before I could get away one of the buggas floored me with a 2 litre bottle of pop.
I'd been Tizered.

[Dowly]

Sorry if it's a repost, haven't really been following this thread.


Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order, and that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

[BossMark]

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

[BossMark]

I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic."
Thank god I only drink every night.

[Gargamel]

So "hand" gliding wasn't a typo... :shucks:






Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,392:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed...

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,

4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,

53 to flame the spell checkers,

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique,
and what brands are faulty,

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs,

12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing,

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"

45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy,

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ,

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here, and 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

*whether


:shucks:

[Dowly]

http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x462/Dowly/MK_Fight.jpg

:D

[mookiemookie]

Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

A: About halfway there.

[Jimbuna]

How do you make a Pirate angry?

Take the P out of him.

[Sailor Steve]

*whether


:shucks:
1. I copied and pasted. I didn't double-check.

2. I posted that almost six months ago. You finally noticed today?
:O:

[Jimbuna]

Scientologist: "How many scientologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Stranger: "I dont know , how many scientologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Scientologist: "With a $5000 donation the answer will be your's"

[Gargamel]

1. I copied and pasted. I didn't double-check.

2. I posted that almost six months ago. You finally noticed today?
:O:

Just started reading the thread today.

[Jimbuna]

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.

[Sailor Steve]

Scientologist:
Sounds like one I made up myself a couple of decades ago:

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Give me a thousand dollars retainer and I'll look into it for you.



Anyway, here's an oldie.

A Protestant, a Catholic and a Christian Scientist all die and go to Hell.

Protestant: "Oh, my faith was misplaced. I'm going to be here for all eternity!"

Catholic: "I wasn't that bad! This has to be purgatory! I wonder how long...?"

Christian Scientist: "I'm not here and it's not hot!"

[BossMark]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I"ve got a special game for you. I"ll do absolutely anything you want for £300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?". He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays six fifty pound notes on the bar and says slowly: "Paint... My... House."

[BossMark]

"What do you mean by coming home half drunk," screamed the angry wife.
The husband shouted back, "it"s not my bloody fault - I ran out of money."

[Jimbuna]

I can't say I ever truly got over coming 2nd in the World Sausage Eating Championships.

To come so close and just miss out is a fate I wouldn't even wish on my wurst enemies.

[u crank]

Two friends, Jim and Steve liked to go fishing on weekends. They were not very lucky at this sport but enjoyed the fresh air and company. As usual they drove out to the marina at a nearby lake and rented a boat. On this day however their luck seemed to have changed. To their surprise they had soon caught their limit, and got ready to sail back in. Steve noticed Jim looking around and asked why. Jim said "to bad we couldn't mark this spot for next week". Steve dug into his tackle box, took out felt pen and put a large X on the bottom of the boat. Jim shook his head,"that's only going to work if we get the same boat".

[BossMark]

I had a wet dream about the wife last night.
She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself.

[Jimbuna]

Two friends, Jim and Steve liked to go fishing on weekends. They were not very lucky at this sport but enjoyed the fresh air and company. As usual they drove out to the marina at a nearby lake and rented a boat. On this day however their luck seemed to have changed. To their surprise they had soon caught their limit, and got ready to sail back in. Steve noticed Jim looking around and asked why. Jim said "to bad we couldn't mark this spot for next week". Steve dug into his tackle box, took out felt pen and put a large X on the bottom of the boat. Jim shook his head,"that's only going to work if we get the same boat".

Nice one :DL

[BossMark]

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judy, the only girl in the woodwork class during the first day of school. Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

[Jimbuna]

According to the bible, one of the reasons Moses and Jesus were clearly divine was the fact that they were the only people to survive for 40 days without eating.

Does that make Victoria Beckham divine as well?

[BossMark]

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?"

Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

[Jimbuna]

After the XMAS period, please remember your drink-drive responsibilities. Last night I drove to the pub, left my car in the car park and got the bus home. I was so proud of myself ......... I've never driven a bus before!

[BossMark]

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.

Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her room mate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in the world are you doing?"

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde room mate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?

[Jimbuna]

Apparently The Queen "should be given a new royal yacht to mark her Diamond Jubilee"

I wouldn't let any Italians build it, their reputation is on rocky ground as it is.

[Sailor Steve]

Nice one :DL
:yep:

Just goes to show that not all dumbs are blonde.






Waitaminute...:shifty:

[BossMark]

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the side walk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

[Sailor Steve]

You guys are starting to repeat the same jokes.

[BossMark]

You guys are starting to repeat the same jokes.
:hmmm: I will have to read this thread sometime then:yep:



A policeman came up to me yesterday and said, "so, where were you between four and six?
"I said, "bloody Primary School."

[Sailor Steve]

:hmmm: I will have to read this thread sometime then:yep:
:rotfl2: :haha: :har:

Great comeback, and best joke of the page! :rock:

[Jimbuna]

When the same man came into the branch of Oxfam I work in for the fifth week running, my curiosity got the better of me and I went onto the shop floor to speak to him.

"Excuse me sir", I said, "I couldn't help but notice that you appear to be a tramp, yet every Friday and Saturday you come to this shop and spend £5 on a pair of smart black shoes. I have to confess that it's got me completely baffled and I just wanted to ask you why?"

"Well there's a perfectly simple explanation", he answered, "You see, on the weekends I sit in a doorway by a nightclub that has a very strict dress code".

"That doesn't explain it", I replied, "I mean, you don't need smart shoes just to sit outside".

"I can see what you mean", he said with a chuckle, "But they're pretty useful if you want to get twenty quid off some idiot who's come out wearing trainers".

[BossMark]

I walked into the kitchen this morning and asked my wife, "What"s for breakfast?", she replied "make love to me right now". Not believing my luck I took her straight over the table, and when I finished asked her, "What"s all that about?""The egg timer"s broken." She replied!

[Jimbuna]

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

[Herr-Berbunch]

A mate has just told me a joke about a TV controller.

It wasn't remotely funny.


baddum-tish

[BossMark]

A travelling salesman knocks on a house door. It is answered by a young child wearing a smoking jacket.
he has glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other.
The salesman asks "Are your parents in?"
The child replies "What the bloody hell do you think?"

[Jimbuna]

I've suspected my wife of cheating on me for sometime. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson from the last time. My mates think I'm being needlessly paranoid and say I should get help.

But I ignored them and installed a CCTV camera on her grave stone.

[BossMark]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralysed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[Herr-Berbunch]

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm out of vodka.

[BossMark]

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

[diluvian]

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
haha

[Jimbuna]

The captain of the Costa Concordia has released a statement strongly denying that the ship sinking was his fault. apparently he did not hit rocks and the damage to the hull of the ship was caused by cannon ball fire from Somali pirate vessels.

[BossMark]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I've just received the result of my pyrotechnics exam.

I passed with flying colours.

[Jimbuna]

Even though Kodak has filed for bankrupcy, the employees are not at all concerned...
They are used to dealing with negatives.

[BossMark]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the
TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, and placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"

[Jimbuna]

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed..."

After 2 minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

[BossMark]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[Jimbuna]

I saw an old lady in the Tesco car park struggling to load her bags of shopping into her car this morning.

As I walked past her, she said, "Excuse me young man, can you possibly help me?"

"I'll give it a go darling" I said, "What's up?"

She said, "I've been trying to load these bags into my car for about ten minutes or so, my back is killing me, have you got the time?"

I said, "Yes, it's quarter past 11."

[BossMark]

A coach driver is taking a bus load of pensioners on a trip when all of a sudden one of the old dears taps him on the shoulder and hands him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes she taps him again and hands him another handful of peanuts. Just as she is about to hand him the third lot he says, "Why don"t you eat the peanuts yourself?"The old lady replies, "We can"t chew the peanuts because we have no teeth but we do love sucking on the chocolate around them."

[Jimbuna]

I just finished setting up my new internet connection, and got a message on my screen saying, 'Congratulations, you are now connected! If you are using O2 Broadband for the first time, now is the time to get online and enjoy all that speed.'

Fair enough they know I can get online, but how the heck did they find out about my secret stash of amphetamines?

[BossMark]

Liverpool City Council have advised all local shops to replace the "sell by" stickers on fresh produce to "steal by" until the economy improves.

[BossMark]

People are now suing companies like Benson and Hedges because smoking has caused them cancer, Nestle for chocolate that"s made them fat, and more recently McDonald"s because a coffee was served up too hot!So now I"m thinking... I wonder if I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly birds I"ve slept with?

[Jimbuna]

I for one can't wait to see the TV adverts that abortion clinics are now allowed to make:

"Have you had an accident in the last 9 months that wasn't your fault?"

[BossMark]

Little Johnny is in school and it is near Christmas time so the kids are giving presents to the teacher.Little Ross stands up to give his present. The teacher knows his parents are choclatiers. She takes the wrapped present and says, "This is a box of chocolates isn"t it?". Ross says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she replies, "It was just a random guess Ross thank you."Little Jenny stands up and the teacher knows her parents work at the local bakery. She takes the present and says, "This is a cake in a tin isn"t it?" Jenny says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she again replies, "It was just a random guess Jenny thank you."Little Johnny stands up and gives his present to the teacher. She knows his parents work at the brewery. She sees that the present is leaking so she takes a sip and says, "This is a can of Newcastle Brown Ale isn"t it?" Little Johnny shakes his head. She takes another sip. "Right this is a bottle of Red Wine then?" Again, Johnny shakes his head. She eventually gives in and says, "OK Johnny I give in what is it?"And through his wide smile Johnny says, "A puppy miss!"

[Jimbuna]

Looks like the high winds have blown rubbish all over the pitch at the Reebok.

But enough about Liverpool.

[BossMark]

johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

[BossMark]

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely pooped my pants then..."

[Jimbuna]

I really don't like my new clutch.

But that's just a matter of a pinion.

[BossMark]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mum. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked, "Have you ever seen Eddie Murphy's Raw?"

I replied, "No, but I've heard your sisters high-pitched wail."

Well, at least they like my humour down at the homeless shelter.

[BossMark]

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.The little girl was softly sobbing.

"why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test,and they're going to cut my finger." said the girl

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said,"I'm here for a urine test."

[Jimbuna]

Arshavin: The Worst Russian sub since the Kursk

[BossMark]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a member of the royal family in a sandwich?

In Bread

[BossMark]

On the sixth day God turned to the Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

[Jimbuna]

I phoned my mother-in-law and said, "Your daughter hasn't been home in days."

She replied, "I know, she is here with me, she's not coming back."

"I know, I'm just going through my phone book to tell everyone the good news."

[BossMark]

Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.
It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, 'Eddies donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'
'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'
'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

[Jimbuna]

I saw a man let his dog walk straight out in front of a van last night.

He didn't even wince when it was killed. He was too busy casually standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.

[BossMark]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a hunting’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

[Jimbuna]

Harry Redknapp: Putting dog into tax dodge.

[BossMark]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

[BossMark]

Two Irishmen were strolling down Oxford Street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Alwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles and says to Paddy, "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The owner replied, "Because this is a Dry Cleaners!"

[Jimbuna]

Why do women like a man who is intelligent, goal orientated, driven, caring and has a great sense of humour?

Cause opposites attract!

[BossMark]

Two old men sitting in a retirement home chatting, "I"m full of aches and pains today Alf." "How do you feel?" Alf replies "Like a new born baby Fred" "Really?" Says Fred, "A newborn baby?" "Yes" says Alf, "No hair, no teeth, and I"ve just pooped myself!"

[u crank]

A newly wed sailor gets informed by the Navy that he's going to be stationed on a remote island in the Pacific for two years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling " he writes, " it looks like we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm missing you very much and we're constantly surrounded by pretty native girls. The temptation is terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them. His wife sends him an accordion with a note, "why don't you learn how to play this?"

Eventually his tour ended and he rushed home to his wife."Darling" he says "I can't wait to get you into bed and make mad passionate love!" She says "So do I but first I want to hear you play something on that accordion."

[Jimbuna]

I guess even the Mafia are having to make budget cuts. I just woke up and found a head of lettuce in my bed.

[BossMark]

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[Jimbuna]

When my son came in from school, I said, "You'd better sit down, I've got some good and bad news."

"What's the bad news?" he asked.

I said, "Your mum was in a multi car pile up, and everyone involved was killed."

He threw his arms around me, crying, and said, "What's the good news, dad?"

I said, "Your grandmother was with her in the car."

[BossMark]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[Jimbuna]

Man: "I swear you never do any of the housework any more."

Wife: "Pot, kettle, black."

Man: "Well go and clean them then!"

[BossMark]

A Moe girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit."How many children?" asks the assessor."10," replies the Moe girl."10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?""Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.""Doesn"t that get confusing?""Nah," says the Moe girl. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, "WAYNE, YA DINNER"S READY" or "WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it.""What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker."That"s easy," says the Moe girl, "I just use their surnames."

[Jimbuna]

All this nonsense about Andy Murray being a Brit if he wins and a Scot if he loses...

Today, he proved just how British he is - bowing out in the semis.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Jokes about the police aren't funny, so give it arrest.

[Jimbuna]

The judge read out the charges to Murphy and asked, ' Are you the defendant in this case? '
Murphy replied, ' No sir ,I've got a lawyer to do the defending .I'm the one that done it. '

[BossMark]

O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and storms off downstairs.

He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?'

O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.'

[BossMark]

Murphy lost a hundred pounds on the The Derby a famous English horse race.
He also lost another hundred on the television replay.

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: 'The UN Security Council is due to discuss a draft resolution on Syria.'

It's nice that the UN is concerned about their home insulation, but how about trying to resolve the civil conflict first?

[BossMark]

Paddy was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted Paddy, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'

[Jimbuna]

This genie told me, 'you can only have one thing, a better memory, or a larger penis.'
'So what did you say?'
'I don't remember.'

[BossMark]

Kearney and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in Phoenix Park, Dublin, last week.

They sat down on a bench to rest. It was then they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Immediately Mrs Kearney realised that a young man was about to propose to his beloved.

Not wishing to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, 'Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.'

Kearney replied, 'Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.'

[Jimbuna]

Liverpool have announced a new deal with fairy liquid after proof that there the best at removing scum from cups!!

[BossMark]

Liverpool have announced a new deal with fairy liquid after proof that there the best at removing scum from cups!!
Nice one :haha::har::rock:

[BossMark]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[Jimbuna]

Two eskimo brother fishing together when the younger ones asks"where was mum born" to which his brother replys"alaska". "no it ok bro il ask her myself".

[BossMark]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

[Jimbuna]

Dedication into Steve Wright love songs.

Can you please play a song for my girlfriend Shelly from Liverpool, we have been together since our school days, and in that time she has been a wonderful partner and a fantastic mum to our three children, please can you wish her a happy 17th birthday, from Damien.

[BossMark]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,

"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,

"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

[Jimbuna]

Man city have rejected a £15million deal from Liverpool for Carlos Tevez
They offered £30million plus Andy Carroll

[BossMark]

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

[Jimbuna]

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?

Follow the Captain.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Bomb disposal - making metal detecting an extreme sport.

[Jimbuna]

Breaking News: David De Gea attempts to hand in transfer request, but drops it on the way to Sir Alex Ferguson's office.

[BossMark]

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's take off. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

[Jimbuna]

I went in to my local hobbycraft the other day and said have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. The person on the till said yes so I said can you put it to one side for me?

[BossMark]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Checked the map? :hmmm: Asked directions, maybe, but not checked a map!


Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

[Jimbuna]

My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the pub.

So I've started smoking.

[BossMark]

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go"
"This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

[Jimbuna]

In the Sun they are offering tickets for £9.50.

So I sent off £9.50 for Portsmouth

Due to a mailing error, they accepted my offer and I now own the whole team.

[BossMark]

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!” replied the wife.

[BossMark]

Two drunks are waiting at bus stop on O'Connell Street Dublin.
Eventually, a number 13 bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the drunks leans inside and asks the bus driver: 'Will this bus take me to Temple Bar?'
The bus driver shakes his head and says, 'No, I'm sorry.'
At this the other drunk lurches inside, smiles, and slurs:
'Will it take ME?'

[Jimbuna]

I'm so good to my girlfriend.

This year for Valentine's Day I booked the same table as I did last year.

And I might even let her win a frame.

[BossMark]

What did the blonde take to the super bowl?

A spoon!

[BossMark]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

[Jimbuna]

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife but eventually the assassin and I agreed on a fee.

[BossMark]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Sailor Steve]

The 53-year-old pro football player was being interviewed. The interviewer said "How can you still be playing pro ball at your age?"

The player said "Well, the men in our family have always been long-lived. My dad is seventy-six and still swims two miles every day. Grandpa is ninety-seven and is about to get married for the third time."

The interviewer's jaw drops and he says "Let me get this straight. Your dad swims two miles every day at seventy-six and your grandpa wants to get married again at almost one-hundred years of age?"

The player says "Hold it right there, hoss. I never said grandpa wanted to get married!"

[BossMark]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "£101 237.64" The Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn"t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?". "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend"s buggered, you might as well go fishing!""

[Jimbuna]

"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"

"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?"

"No, but he always wanted to be."

[BossMark]

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
'Now don't let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir, 'said the released man.
'And why not?' .
'Because I'm the barman at your regular pub.'

[Jimbuna]

After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 wooly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.

10 seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.

"You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard.

[BossMark]

At least when it snows my garden looks the same as everyone else's

[u crank]

Retired man gets job as Wall-mart greeter. One day a very loud unattractive and mean-acting woman comes in with her two kids. She curses and yells at them very loudly as she comes in.
"Good morning, and welcome to Wall-mart," he says," Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say.
" Hell no they ain't twins. One's nine and the other one's five. What are you, blind or stupid?"
Man replies," No ma'am I'm neither blind or stupid, I just couldn't believe some one slept with you twice"

[BossMark]

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?' Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, 'answers the priest.' I'll be damned, 'the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologises.' I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?'
'Oh, I don't have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.'

[Jimbuna]

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits fourteen years, accumulating all his words, before approaching her.

Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and says,

"My darling, I have waited many years to say this...will you marry me?"

The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"

[BossMark]

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the home-owner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the home-owner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

[Herr-Berbunch]

How do you catch a mouse?

Put some cheese in your mouth and wait with baited breath.

[Jimbuna]

I was working hard at the gym earlier, pumping some serious iron.

Some bloke came up to me and said, "You're gonna be very sore tomorrow, pal."

"It's alright," I laughed, "I'm used to working on my arms."

"I didn't mean your arms," he winked, "I've spiked your Lucozade..."

[BossMark]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

[Jimbuna]

I want to thank my Scottish friend of the delivery of the Asphalt today.

Ta Mac.

[BossMark]

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy
'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy
'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'
'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.

[BossMark]

O'Connor was sitting in Ward's Irish bar, Piccadilly, London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.
'Does your dog bite?' asks Murphy.
'No,' replies O'Connor.
So Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely.
'Hey!' screams Murphy, 'you said your dog didn't bite, O'Connor.'
'That's not my dog Murphy,' concludes O'Connor.

[Jimbuna]

I'm so proud of my African pen friend.

He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. Hang on in there mate.

[Jimbuna]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

Surprisingly, only two.

One to try, then one to ask a bloke to do it.

[BossMark]

Two Irish men, Kearney and O'Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models. Kearney remarks to O'Riordan, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'
O'Riordan replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price.'
Kearney says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
O'Riordan, smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea. Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O'Rordan, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?'
O'Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday.'

[Jimbuna]

How come there is a video of a cat at Anfield but there has been a donkey playing there every week in a red number 9 shirt and nobody has noticed???

[BossMark]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

[Jimbuna]

"11 year old boy found drunk in Hull, mother found guilty of child cruelty but avoids jail."

Personally I think it'd be unethical to send a teenage girl to prison anyway.

[BossMark]

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[Jimbuna]

Harry Redknapp: "Thank god thats all over, I'm proud to have my name cleared today and very happy with the outcome. I'm exceptionally pleased that they didnt find the account's belonging to the "Bung" the Cat, "Underhand" the Hamster and "TaxFraud" the Goldfish."

Thankyou.

[BossMark]

Did you hear about the blonde that tripped over the cordless phone?

[Jimbuna]

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

[BossMark]

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "And as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers."

[vienna]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

[Jimbuna]

Capello resigns... A black day for football

[BossMark]

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."

He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"

She quickly replied, "M"!

[Jimbuna]

Bob limps into A & E: "My dog just bit me!"

"Did you put something on it?" asks the doctor.

"No," says Bob, "he liked the taste as it was."

[BossMark]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own.

[Jimbuna]

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"

She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."

"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"

I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

[BossMark]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a Hearse for the last 25 years."

[Jimbuna]

I walked up to a girl in a bar and said "I'm not wearing any underpants". But before she could reply a bouncer put his hand on my shoulder....
"Come on son, be a good lad and put your trousers back on"

[BossMark]

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash," the salesman said.

The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.

That evening, the fellow asked his blonde female friend, "If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

[BossMark]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'
'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'
Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'
'What was his name?' asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: 'Miles, from Dublin.'

[Jimbuna]

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.

But get him an incapacity benefit form and he can have takeaways every night for life.

[BossMark]

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for coming to the interview, but We've decided to give the American the job.'
Murphy, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.'
Manager, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'
Murphy, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'
Manager, 'Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'

[Jimbuna]

When saying to a new-born babies mum, ''Aww, he has your brothers eyes.'' Has a literal meaning in Norwich.

[BossMark]

Whitney Houston to star in her new film.
The Body Bag.

[Jimbuna]

I got my wife one of those books I know she'll read over and over again.

'Coping with Memory Loss'.

[BossMark]

News of Whitney Houston's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It's such a blow. She really made a hash of things though. Her life just went to pot. Someone should have kept tabs on her.

[Herr-Berbunch]

^ Well if that's the route we're taking...



What's pink and sits on a doorstep?

Whitney Houston's Valentine's card.

[BossMark]

Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor.

Personally I think she made the right decision.

[Jimbuna]

I came home to find my wife had put her hair into a ponytail.
"That suits you love", I said.
"Thanks," she replied, "Glad you llike it."
I didn't think it was prudent to add that it just confirmed my belief that she looked like a horses ar$e.

[BossMark]

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.

The one old man reeled in his line, lain down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you were that religious."

The other looked at him and said "Least I could do, we've been married 42 years!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

[BossMark]

2 Blondes having lunch on a park bench one sunny day when 1 blonde goes to the other 1 "lets play a game....if you can guess how many sandwiches I have in my lunch box I will give you the both of them"

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend was given two tickets for the stage production of The King and I. I've neer been to the theatre before and I'm realy looking forward to it. I wonder who will play the part of Elvis.

[Platapus]

A Liberal, a Moderate, and a Conservative walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up an says "oh hi, Mitt, whatca gonna have?"