The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Are daytime TV phone-in competitions too easy?

A- Yes
B- Wimbledon
C- Archbishop Of Canterbury

[BossMark]

I got fired earlier due to my 'very poor attention to detail'.

At least that's what I think he or she said...

[Catfish]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[BossMark]

Coming from a family of farmers, I was so proud when my son told me he had taken up farming.

I was not so happy when I heard the police had raided his house and taken his crops.

[Jimbuna]

My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude bugga wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my knife.

[BossMark]

I started dating this girl and she told me all her flatmate Lisa does is sit around all day drinking beer and watching films.

I kind of felt bad for her.

Because now I'm interested in her flatmate.

[Jimbuna]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Jimbuna]

My wife called me at work today and said, "I've got a few pains in my stomach and I feel a bit sick."

"What have you eaten?" I asked.

She said, "About an hour ago I had a cheese sandwich, two packets of crisps, a sausage roll, two chocolate bars and strawberry milkshake."

"That'll be why then," I said, "you're probably hungry."

[BossMark]

The wife was baking and told me to go to the shop and get some dates.

So I'm meeting the shelf stacker tonight and the checkout girl on Saturday.

[Harvs]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson and out in the woods camping when Sherlock says " Watson my good man, look up and tell me what you see"

Watson looks up and replies" well Sherlock i see stars, billions of stars and in all those stars there must be life, so Sherlock i deduce that we here on eartb are not the only life forms to exist, that is what i see.

" no Watson you cretin, someones nicked the tent!!" Sherlock replied.

[BossMark]

I use to love the smell of summer meadows. It took me back to playing as a kid.

Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my wife has had a massive dump.

[Jimbuna]

"I'm sorry," said the doctor when my wife had her scan, "your child will be slow in development and may well grow up to have criminal tendencies."

"Is there anything we can do?" we both asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "Move away from Liverpool."

[BossMark]

BREAKING:
Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

[Jimbuna]

Looking forward to FIFA 16 this year.

The courtroom setting will be a nice change of pace.

[BossMark]

The stewardess asked me if I wanted a drink.
I said "Water please".
She pulled out a bottle of non-sparkling water and said "Still water?"
"Yeah. I only said it like 2 seconds ago. I haven't changed my mind just yet"

[BossMark]

I like to have a cigarette after a good meal.

Thanks to my wife I don't smoke.

[BossMark]

Hi all, this is Dave's wife here.

I've just been reading a few thing that Dave has posted on this site, and quite frankly, I'm disgusted. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You blindly vote up jokes about me despite the fact that you've never met me and you know literally nothing about me! It's petty, childish and shows you have nothing better to do with your pathetic little lives.

Anyway, I'd like to clear up a few things. I'm not fat, I'm not stupid and Dave most certainly has not had sex with my sister. They have a healthy, platonic relationship. As a matter of fact, he's actually round her house right now mowing her lawn.

Regards,

Dave's wife.

[Jimbuna]

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike Reid is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[BossMark]

So Johnny Depp could be facing 10 years in jail?

Probably all those pirate movies he's made.

[Jimbuna]

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

[BossMark]

Stopped watching Cricket years ago, because of match fixing.
Stopped watching Cycling after that moron Armstrong and Co.
And now stopped watching Football because of FIFA corruption..

Thanks heavens Women's doubles Tennis is not affected by scams.

[Jimbuna]

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

[BossMark]

French barman guilty over 56 shots that killed customer.

A bit of overkill; surely one in the head should have done the job.

[Jimbuna]

Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, there game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

[BossMark]

Not many people seem to be aware that "FIFA" is short for "Fee for Getting The World Cup In Your Country is $100m"......

[Jimbuna]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

[BossMark]

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of healthy benefits.

For instance, you don't have to die of that ever tiring old age.

[Harvs]

A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, ‘Let me guess, you’re single?’ And he says, ‘Yeah, how could you tell?’ And she says, ‘Because you’re really ugly.’”

[BossMark]

FIFA 16 Career Mode:
Your star striker will be out for 9 months due to pregnancy.

[BossMark]

If Scientists invented a pill to make us immortal...

I'd probably choke on it.

[Jimbuna]

That FIFA 16 game is so realistic.

Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

[BossMark]

I phoned the wife from work.

"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?" I asked her.

"No?" she replied, sounding puzzled.

"How about now ...?"

[Jimbuna]

Just got FIFA 16 (early on the Blatter market) and I have to say it is incredibly realistic.
As soon as I put the disk it says "Game is corrupt", but after that it keeps going as usual anyway.

[Jimbuna]

The president of Fifa, Sepp Blatter, has come under more criticism about goal-line technology, this time from his wife.

She said, "It doesn't surprise me, I've been asking him for years whether it was in or not."

[BossMark]

My holiday home has been burnt down by Welsh Nationalists.

Which came as a bit of a surprise, to be honest, as it's in Spain.

[BossMark]

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

[Jimbuna]

My three-year-old's son pet worm died last weekend. He was ever so upset so I suggested we bury it in the garden and wait a few days. Sure enough when we went back today and dug it up . . . . it was ALIVE! All smiles again.

[BossMark]

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.

When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change TV channels.

[fireftr18]

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.

When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change TV channels.

And you had to sit on the floor to watch TV too.

[Jimbuna]

Manchester gets a lot of bad press, but really, it's just like Vegas.

In both places, you can pay for sex with chips.

[BossMark]

British Summer Time,

Ensuring an extra hour of rain since 1940.

[Jimbuna]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet £20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.. "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[BossMark]

Why did Kate and Gerry McCann cross the road?

To sign another multi million pound book deal.

[Harvs]

Pierre the famous french fighter pilot and a young lady are down by the river having a picnic, they are enjoying the view when the young lady says " kiss me Pierre.
Grabbing a bottle of red wine he pours it over her lips then kisses her passionately, surprised she asked " Pierre, why did you do that?"
"I am Pierre the famous french fighter pilot!! And when i kiss the ruby lips of a beautiful young lady i want to taste the finest French red wine on them" Pierre replied.
" oooh Pierre kiss me lower" said the young lady.
Pierre grabs a bottle of champagne and pours it over her chest and starts kissing her chesty bits.
"Pierre why did you do that?" she asks again.
"I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot!! And when i kiss the chesty bits of a beautiful young lady i want to taste the finest French champagne on them" he replied again.
"Ooooh Pierre kiss me lower" she asks.
Pierre grabs a bottle if brandy and pours it between her legs, sparks a lighter and sets her alight.
The young lady jumps up screaming and jumps into the river dousing the flames, turning around she asks" Pierre!!! WTF did you do that for?"
"I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot!! And when i go down, i go down in flames!!!!"

[Jimbuna]

The FIFA headquarters in Switzerland has apparently been burgled. Raiders have stolen the names of the winners of the next two World Cups.

[BossMark]

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird.

[Jimbuna]

Arsene Wenger is wanted by Social Services after his kids were found badly beaten at home for the second time in a week!

[BossMark]

Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

[BossMark]

My blonde wife thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

[Jimbuna]

I've invented a new flavour of crisps, if they're successful I'll make a packet.

[BossMark]

Sepp Blatter is to step down as president of FIFA. A spokesman said,

"We virtually had to bribe him to resign. "

[BossMark]

Sepp Blatter has announced he will resign to spend more time with his family and his shredder.

[magic452]

Homicide

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello, Sarge"
"Yes"
"It looks like we have a homicide here.
"What happened?" A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

Good old British politeness ,
Sitting in the beer garden waiting for our order which has taken a while , waitress eventually comes and says "Sorry about the wait sir, hope we didn't keep you too long"
"Ahh no, don't worry, but if anyone ever wants to know, you have 49, 054 tiles on the roof"

[BossMark]

Sepp Blatter is going to use all of his spare time to concentrate on improving his tennis game.

Rumour has it that his forehand is nothing special but his back-handers are bloody amazing.

[BossMark]

Just watched an advert on TV about controlling issues of incontinence.

I pissed myself laughing....

...then I hit rewind and took down the number.

[Jimbuna]

When I moved into my new house one of my neighbours came round and asked if I wanted to sign up for the Neighbourhood Watch.

Obviously I refused, given my wife had only just bought me one for my birthday and I could look at it any time I wanted to.

[BossMark]

I said to my mate, "My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'm an Alice in Wonderland character, and it's getting very annoying!"

He said, "Are you mad at her?"

I said, "gods sake, don't you start!"

[Jimbuna]

"Who was that at the door?" I asked the wife.

"Just some poor old beggar," she said. "I gave him a bowl of my homemade soup and a fiver."

"Did he eat the soup?"

"Of course."

"Then he definitely earned the fiver."

[BossMark]

The wife and I were browsing in an antique shop today, when she held up a brass letter-opener with a genuine dog's foot handle.

"Ooh, look Dave, we could get this for your auntie Cynthia's three legged dog, Tripod," she giggled. "Maybe he could use it."


"Don't talk daft," I replied. "He never gets any letters."

[BossMark]

I wonder why it's considered civil to cover the mouth when sneezing and coughing,

but not covering your bottom when farting.

[Jimbuna]

Terrible journey on the tube this morning. I was called sexist, racist and homophobic by people who I see virtually every day.

Stupid incompetent newsagent, giving me a copy of the Daily Mail by mistake.

[BossMark]

While digging a hole today, I found a box full of old five pence pieces.

I couldn't hold back my excitement, and I ran indoors to tell the wife...

And then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

[Jimbuna]

A student changed his name by deed poll because it was a lot cheaper than paying a £220 admin charge for a minor booking error that Ryanair wanted to charge him.

[BossMark]

Always be careful when you choose your companions on a Polar expedition.
You may have to eat them.

[BossMark]

I said to my doctor, "I have got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yes, I'm definite."

[Jimbuna]

I was pulled over by a police Car today.

The officer asked " Do you know why I've pulled you over sir?

"No officer" I replied.

"Well," he said. " This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users."

"Thanks" I said. " So you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then officer?"

[Jimbuna]

Paddy comes out of the police station and says to Murphy, I beat that lie detector.
Murphy says, your a genius, how did you do that ?
Paddy says, I told them the truth.

[BossMark]

Sent a note through my neighbour's letterbox this morning.

It read: "I don't know whether it is spelt 'died' or 'dyed', either way, I'm afraid your cat is a different colour.. And not alive."

[Jimbuna]

I was on the phone trying to arrange a time for Sky to set up my TV.
When I asked them when they'd be round, the only response I got was "I'm sorry sir but I cannot specify a time, we'll be there between 8 in the morning and 5 in the afternoon.....can we have your credit card details please?"
"Yes, the first digit is between 1 and 7" I replied.

[BossMark]

Get your 'Hero Name' by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I'm Local Man.

[Jimbuna]

The neighbour caught my wife going through their bins again.

She's not nosey or anything,she's just a very bad driver.

[BossMark]

My wife came home from the shops with a cantaloupe.

"There you go," she said. "But I don't know what you want it for."

"Idiot," I said. "How am I going to feed my new lion with this?"

[Jimbuna]

Dave: "You didn't tell me my new home was infested with snakes!"

Estate agent: "What I said was it definitely doesn't have any mice."

[BossMark]

A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 (£131,000) at auction.

They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.

[Jimbuna]

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then, mate."

[BossMark]

I had an interview today for a management role.
To show my delegation skills I sent someone else to the interview.

[Jimbuna]

Walking into the pub, Glen and Chris said to the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Chris. 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Glen replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!'

[BossMark]

Paddy says to Murphy, I have to take my car for a service tomorrow and its a 40 mile drive.
Murphy replied, I know you hate driving, I'll take you in my car.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[BossMark]

Stealing clothes from the washing line or shopping online as its known in Liverpool.

[Jimbuna]

Just heard the official song for England women's football world cup team.

Steam irons on a shirt.

[Jimbuna]

One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

[BossMark]

I've nothing against Lenny Henry getting his knighthood for services to charity as, after all, he's helped millions in Africa.

Some of them now have even better AK47s than they had before.

[BossMark]

German legend three-time Wimbledon champion Boris Becker is seeking British citizenship.

"Could be worst I suppose, could be Andy Murray?"

[Jimbuna]

My wife texted me saying, "CAN YOU PICK ME UP AT WORK? X."

I texted back, "Yes, and there's no need to shout."

She replied, "Sorry, a bus was driving past."

[Jimbuna]

This evening's Women's World Cup match has had to be delayed for three hours as twenty-two women attempt to park in one stadium car park.

[BossMark]

Well done USA.

Finally beaten Germany on your own!

Still waited until the second half to do it as usual though!

[magic452]

The home phone rings and ' the wife ' answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says: “I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.”

The woman replies: “Why Yes, I have. He's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?”

Magic

[BossMark]

The homeless in London are to be fined £1,000 for sleeping in the streets.

I wonder where they are going to send the summonses to?

[Jimbuna]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[BossMark]

Twitter is now allowing 10,000 characters for its users.

I only need one word.......

[Jimbuna]

A blonde, runs up to her boyfriend, jumping for joy.
He says "what you so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and she told him she was pregnant. "That's great, I couldn't be happier!" he replied.
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have "twins"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, " I went to ASDA and they had a two for one offer on their home pregnancy test kits and both tests came out positive!"

[BossMark]

'No job too small' said the add.

That was a week ago and he still hasn't been round to circumcise my pet flea.

[Jimbuna]

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colours, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.

[BossMark]

Air crash investigation officers have finally found the reason for the recent Malaysian air disasters
"Pilots looking out for naked girls on top of Indonesian mountains"

[Jimbuna]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

[BossMark]

Faith can't move mountains.

But titties do apparently.

[Jimbuna]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[BossMark]

My great-grandfather was lost on The Titanic.

"It was bloody huge," he would tell people afterwards.

[BossMark]

A picture of a British police officer helping an elderly man with his shopping has gone viral.

Americans are wondering at which point did the officer shoot and kill the old bastard.

[BossMark]

I'm convinced my wife is trying to poison me by putting detergent in my food.


I've just farted and cleaned my own boxers.

[Jimbuna]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says.....................

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[Jimbuna]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[donna52522]

Faith can't move mountains.

But titties do apparently.


I am truly offended by that....

What has a mountain ever done to you?

[Aktungbby]

Faith can't move mountains.

But titties do apparently. I am truly offended by that....

What has a mountain ever done to you?

Well they don't call it Le Grand Teton fer nuthin':woot: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/24/Grand_Teton_in_Winter-NPS.jpg/1024px-Grand_Teton_in_Winter-NPS.jpg

[donna52522]

Well they don't call it Le Grand Teton fer nuthin':woot: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/24/Grand_Teton_in_Winter-NPS.jpg/1024px-Grand_Teton_in_Winter-NPS.jpg

That's even more offensive.... I should report you..

Stupid clouds.

[BossMark]

Eleanor Hawkins, deported for posing topless in Malaysia, has spoken publicly for the first time.

"I can't believe they made a mountain out of two molehills."

[Jimbuna]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Jimbuna]

My Grandad worked all his life on cruise-ships, When he died he wanted to be buried at sea.
We had a lovely ceremony on a ship and slipped the coffin off of the back of the boat.
It was an impressive wake.

[Harvs]

What do mountain men like best?

mountain women

[BossMark]

My wife killed a guy trying to park her car today.

He's probably still laughing now.

[BossMark]

Bad quiz night. The Quiz Master asked us to name Bond villains.

He just wouldn't take No for an answer.

[Jimbuna]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

[Harvs]

^ :har:

[BossMark]

I smiled at the scary doctors receptionist,

"What can I do for you? " She barked.

"Well, I'd like to take you out on a date, " I said. Her eyes softened and she melted,

"I've never been asked on a date before, " she gushed, "when were you thinking?

"Well, I can fit you in July the 27th at 1645, " I replied, "that's seven weeks from today. Please don't be late or I might have to give it to someone else. "

[Jimbuna]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... Show him your badge!"

[BossMark]

It's the year 2589.

The news headlines.

New evidence uncovered about what happened at Hillsborough that day.

[BossMark]

I told my new girlfriend that I have in between 10 and 15 million pounds in my bank account.

It's actually true, my balance is £37.

[Jimbuna]

An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting. A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle. "Pullover!" the cop says
"No!" the woman replied, "They're mittens!"

[BossMark]

"Tits man or arse man?" I was asked.

I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.

[BossMark]

News: Florida warns of deadly flesh-eating bacteria in water.

But if you're in Florida, you've already ignored a few warnings.

[Jimbuna]

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?"
The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am."
After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

[Jimbuna]

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[BossMark]

Girlfriend is going out of town tonight.

Who wants to come over and ask a bunch of questions about the movie I'm watching?

[BossMark]

Prince Harry is ending his army career after ten years.
His father was said to be very proud he chose his old regiment.
Prince Charles didn't comment.

[Jimbuna]

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

[BossMark]

These illegal immigrants will hide anywhere.

Just this afternoon I came home from work and found a naked black man in my wife's wardrobe.

[Jimbuna]

Jeff, who I knew years ago, started working in my building. We'd had several chats before he sheepishly said, "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name."
"Usually I forget!", I laughed, "I'm Colin."
"Pleased to meet you Colin," said Jeff, "I'm Dave."

[BossMark]

A man never really knows just how much he farts.

Until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.

[BossMark]

'Man found on roof of building may have fallen from BA plane' - Wrong again, this is what happens when you fly ultra-budget class with Ryanair.

[GT182]

Two police officers responding to a disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.
After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello, Sarge."

Yes?"

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Good thing she wasn't on a Naval vessel or a submarine. ;)

[Jimbuna]

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

[BossMark]

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your pin number.

[BossMark]

I saw a sign on the train saying,

"Please give this seat to an elderly person."

And I must say, it really looks good in my Grandma's bedroom.

[Jimbuna]

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"
Officer says "Yes."
Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[BossMark]

My girlfriend has been telling her friends that she has a pet pig at home.

Lying cow, I've never seen it in eighteen months of living with her.

[BossMark]

I went for a job interview on Friday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

[Jimbuna]

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Sorry, I though this was Mo Farah's house.

[BossMark]

I don't have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything.

Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I'll be celebrating that tonight.

[Jimbuna]

FIFA 16 should let you use real-money to bribe officials in online matches for a more realistic experience.

[Jimbuna]

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy

[BossMark]

There were two Brits, Dave and John, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they travelled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they spotted a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful.

Dave said, "They might help us if they think we're Muslims. I'm going to tell them my name is Mohammed. ."
But John said, "That's ridiculous, I'm just going to tell them the truth."
They knocked on the door of the mosque, and were greeted by the Imam. "What are your names?"
Dave said, 'My name is Mohammed', and John said 'And I'm John'.

The Imam said 'Hello John, you poor man. My men will get you food and drink immediately.'
Then the Imam turned to Dave: "and Mohammed, happy Ramadan!"

[Jimbuna]

"Dad, what's a tranny?" asked my eight year old.

"I'm surprised someone your age knows that word, son," I replied. "It's an old name for a portable radio."

"Now tell me," I continued. "What do you think of my new dress?"

[BossMark]

Britain's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

[Jimbuna]

I got stopped by the police on the way home from work and the officer asked if I had anything in the car that I shouldn't.
"No" I replied.
"What's in your boot he then asked."
"Human remains" I told him.
"HUMAN REMAINS", he shouted and radioed for help.
It may take a little longer to get home but I love my job as an archaeologist.

[BossMark]

My new housemate is French. Last night when he got home I said, "Nice to know you're from France.. My favourite place is North of France, actually.."

"Let me guess," he said, "Lille.. Arras.. or maybe Côte d'Opale?.."

"No, England." I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Darling... it's our anniversary today, what shall we do?
Husband: Lets stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[Jimbuna]

I bumped into an old friend yesterday. I told him I was arranging a night out with the boys on Facebook.

He said, "I'm not on Facebook, so keep me updated by text."

So later on, I sent him a text that said, "My brother-in-law is at a gig, my cousin loves cheese on toast, and a girl I went to school with has bought a cat."

[Jimbuna]

On Monday I said to my boss, "I have a dentist's appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?"

"No problem," he said.

On Friday he pulled me up and said, "What's this? You've put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o'clock on Monday."

I replied, "I know, I told you I'd make the time up."

[BossMark]

After being away for a week's holiday with the girls, my wife came back and found me in bed with my best mate, Steve.

"It's not what it looks like" I shouted "He's fat, smells, snores, I don't fancy him in the slightest and we never have sex"

"So what we're you doing in bed with him" she cried.

"Well I was missing you" I explained.

[Jimbuna]

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000.
This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000.
Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

[Tango589]

I've started a company that sells landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

[BossMark]

"Pick a card, any card you like," I said to my wife.

"Make sure you memorise it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

"Bugga you Dave! It's our anniversary," she replied, before stomping out of hallmark

[BossMark]

Before I got married, I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

[Jimbuna]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

[BossMark]

My supermarket delivery van just arrived with 50 cans of beer and a 2 kilo bag of mixed salad.
Sarcastically the driver said - healthy diet I see.
I replied, I try my best but its getting the pet rabbit off the beer that's a bloody problem.

[Jimbuna]

A guy goes into a police station to report his wife as missing.

"So, what does she look like then?" asks the constable on duty.

"Well, she's 18 stone, 5 foot 6, has dyed-blonde hair going black at the roots, a big nose, pointy ears, an oily complexion, acne, fat ankles, droopy breasts ... she's also cross-eyed and speaks with a lisping stutter ... on second thoughts, don't bother, Officer, I'm sure she'll turn up."

[BossMark]

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

[BossMark]

11.34: Arrived at crime scene

11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11.34: Found murder weapon in drain

11.34: Realised watch was broken

[Jimbuna]

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

[BossMark]

The phone rang.

"Mr Hughes?"

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Mr. Hughes, we need you to come and pick your son up from school."

"Oh, hell, what's he gone and done now?"

"Nothing, Mr. Hughes. It's just that it's nearly midnight."

[BossMark]

Me and the wife found each other on Match.com ...

3 years after we got married.

Which was awkward.

[Jimbuna]

In the construction field, it is often noted that spammers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said spammers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having spammers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

[BossMark]

The draw for Wimbledon has been kind to Andy Murray.

He won't have to lose to Djokovic until the final.

[Jimbuna]

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out the babysitter told us to take as long as we like.

That was five years ago.

I hope she's enjoying being a parent.

[BossMark]

I was digging a hole in my garden when my neighbour popped his head over the wall and asked what I was doing.

"Burying the past." I said.

"Oh, a time capsule?" He said.

"No," I replied, "The ex wife."

[Jimbuna]

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

[BossMark]

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" .

Kid's meals are £250.

[Jimbuna]

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: "You were speeding."
Man: "No, I wasn’t."
Officer: "Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket."
Man: "But I wasn’t speeding."
Officer: "Tell that to the judge!" (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: "Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?"
Officer: "Yes, you would."
Man: "What if I just thought that you were?"
Officer: "I can’t give you a ticket for what you think."
Man: "Fine, I think you’re a jerk!"

[BossMark]

The orphanage I grew up in was unnecessarily cruel.

They held a parents night twice a month.

[Jimbuna]

A woman is walking through Glasgow and a bloke in a kilt lifts it up and flashes his appendage at her.
" Aarghh it's gruesome " she says.
The bloke says " Have another look missy, it's gruesome more "

[BossMark]

I went to my hairdresser and said, "Can you cut my hair like David Bowie?"

He made a right mess of it. I said, "This is terrible!"

He said, "Yeah, but David Bowie can't cut hair..."

[BossMark]

I don't understand how Italy has an immigrant problem.

It's ideally shaped to kick them out.

[Jimbuna]

I've recently been encouraging my sixteen year old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education. Last week she came home with five applications and later that night I read them.

Under "previous employment", she listed, "babysitter".

Under "reason for leaving", she wrote, "they came home".

[BossMark]

I couldn't remember the name of the girl sat opposite me so I asked what it was again.
"Jessica," she said. "Do you have trouble remembering girls' names?"
"Only the ugly ones," I said.
To cut a long story short, I didn't get the job.

[Jimbuna]

Well it's almost over.
After 69 days of doing nothing a group of men in hard hats and high visibility jackets are getting ready to go home.

The council have finally filled in the pothole at the end of my road.

[BossMark]

I wonder if we'll see Cliff Richard at Wimbledon this year.

I would have thought he'd have to make an appearance at a court sooner or later.

[Jimbuna]

I came home from work and my wife said, "I washed your England shirt for you today."
I said, "What England shirt?"
She said, "The red one that was in the frame on the wall. Whoever Bobby Moore is, tell him to stop drawing all over your clothes."

[Jimbuna]

The wife said, "My mother is coming to stay with us for a few days."

"That's good, seeing as the hoover's just broken down."

"Well, she's not going to be doing any cleaning if that's what you mean."

"No, but we can borrow her broomstick."

[BossMark]

Tonight at midnight, we get an extra second. Something to do with the Earth's rotation.
So how are you planning on spending your extra second?
I think I might take the time to read the book French Military Victories.

[Jimbuna]

Bad day today.
I was walking my little dog, willy, but he got off his leash and I lost him. I searched the streets all morning. When I saw a school playground I jumped over the wall and asked the children if they had seen him.

And that, officer, is when things started to go wrong.

[BossMark]

If you don't believe in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter.

[Jimbuna]

Two thieves each sneak into a rich man's party. During dinner the thieves marveled at how even the cutlery was made of gold, and both decided they would try to steal some.
The first thief quietly slipped a golden spoon into his pocket, unaware that the second thief had witnessed this crime.
After dinner, the second thief comes up with a way to steal a golden spoon without suspicion being placed on him.
He picks up a golden spoon identical to the first and holds it up in front of the party-goers explaining he wishes to show them a magic trick.
"And now..." he speaks to the crowd and points towards the first thief, "I will put this spoon into my pocket, and remove it from this gentleman here's own pocket!"

[BossMark]

Whenever someone tells me it's the humidity not the heat, I usually like to respond by punching them in the face and telling them,

"That wasn't my fist, it was the impact."

[Sailor Steve]

But you don't understand. It really is the humidi...OW! Stop that!

I'm just trying to explain the...OW!

Can't you at least...OW!

[BossMark]

Gay Marriage is approved and less than a week later Ben Affleck is divorcing Jennifer Garner. Coincidence? I think not. Matt Damon reported to be ecstatic.

[BossMark]

I think my wife enjoys trying to confuse me.

She smiled at me this morning.

[Jimbuna]

Two police officers stopped a guy for speeding on the province highway in Mississauga, Ontario.
As they were writing up the ticket, one oficer turned to the other and said: "How do you spell Mississauga?"
The other one replied: "I don't know."
So the first one said: "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong, it will get dismissed."
The second oficer said: "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Toronto?"

[Jimbuna]

North Korea have stormed home to victory at the FIFA Women's World Cup, with Kim Jong-Un making several goal-line clearances and scoring all three goals.

[Jimbuna]

A group of British and American servicemen were drinking in a bar when a British soldier said to the Americans, "You start wars but always expect us to help."

"No way," said an American, "Where were you when we invaded Vietnam?"

The British soldier replied smugly, "We didn't think the Viet Cong needed any help."

[Jimbuna]

Once again the time has come for 200 men to strap on some lycra and cycle thousands of miles through beautiful French countryside, up mountains and through the streets of Paris so we can find out who is this year's best drug dealer.

[Jimbuna]

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[Jimbuna]

I was told by my Doctor that I have dementia.

But I'm going to see my Doctor about it.

[Jimbuna]

We needed somewhere else to live so my wife handed me the newspaper and told me to circle anything with potential I'd like to look at.

She was less than pleased when she saw the ring around,

'27 year old blonde seeks good times.'

[Jimbuna]

The wife came home from her WeightWatchers class last night..

"Are you ok love?" I asked. "You look upset."

"Got some bad news tonight." She began. "Julie from the group was hit by a taxi on her way home last week and died."

"Jesus, that's awful." I consoled.

"Yeah, and to make matters worse." She told me, "It would have been her birthday mid-week."

"Aww, hell." I said. "That couldn't be more upsetting for you all."


"Oh, it could." She said, bursting into floods of tears. "She was going to bring cakes in."

[Jimbuna]

During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly,

"Nervous"? asked the interviewer,

I replied simply "No, I always give 110%"

[Jimbuna]

I'm treating my wife to a romantic dinner for Valentine's Day.

Soft, slow cooked pasta.
The finest petits pois.
Finely diced, soft soya flakes.
A beautiful chicken stock marinade.
Finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs.

Then I just tip in water to the fill line, add the soy sauce sachet and I'm done.

[Jimbuna]

A pirate walks into a porn shop and the shop owner says, "Why are you here?"

The pirate replies, "Well, X marks the spot and there are three on the door."

[BossMark]

I've been suffering from depression and making a lot of visits to McDonald's.

I don't eat. I just look at the customers to feel better about myself.

[BossMark]

I've finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

[Jimbuna]

Don't you hate it when Wikipedia copies your homework?

[Jimbuna]

Alcohol is the answer. It makes you forget the question.

[BossMark]

A wife has been hauled into court, accused of trying to poison her retired husband by mixing anti freeze and Lambrini.
Floor cleaner or even bleach would be more humane, but using Lambrini is just evil.

[Jimbuna]

The Australian cricket team ,the only people in the UK preying for rain..
ohh the irony.

[BossMark]

If your children make fun of you when they have to help you with technology...

Just remind them that you had to teach them how to use a spoon.

[BossMark]

The elderly man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[Jimbuna]

Englanders this is for you.

Go and find the quietest place you know. It may be away from partners and kids, it may be out in the countryside somewhere.

Wherever, just go and spend 5 minutes there safe in the knowledge that its the same silence Australia makes when it loses a test match...

[BossMark]

"Will you please stop rushing me? I'm upset enough collecting my mothers urn from the undertakers."

"I'm sorry, love, but you've just reminded me that the Ashes are on."

[BossMark]

I get ignored so much, I've considered renaming myself Terms and Conditions.

[BossMark]

The nine-year-old Filipino boy, whose photo of studying under faint light from a McDonald's window has gone viral and won him international sponsors, was recently asked what was the biggest motivator behind his incessant yearning for learning.

He said he routinely used to observe the plight of the employees through the same window and didn't want to end up working there.

[Jimbuna]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

[magic452]

Gotta love those grand-kids ..


I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied,"Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of B. S.

Magic

[BossMark]

Three gunmen ransacked a Primark store in Paris and escaped with two tonnes of assorted garments and bras.

An insurance loss adjuster said, "The insurance claim could run as high as £135.50."

[Jimbuna]

As the space probe is nearing the end of its journey, one scientist is heard shouting, "What do you mean that isn't Pluto?!"

[Jimbuna]

The inventor of dog treats has died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was.

[BossMark]

I've just seen my neighbour doing the walk of shame.

She's off shopping at Aldi.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend thought I was obsessed with Algebra, so she dumped me.

She's now my X.

[Jimbuna]

I was speaking to an American tourist today... He said:
"How do you guys stay so skinny?"
I said: "Well, we Brits believe in eating our 'five a day'."
To which he replied:
"You only eat five meals a day!?!?"

[Jimbuna]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end of the pool.He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell mary the news he said,"Mary, I have good news and badnews. The good news is you're being discharged because you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/illness-and-mortality/mental-illness/jim-and-mary-were-both-patients-in-a-mental-hospital-38835#ixzz3fxrg5qzp

[BossMark]

My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.

Her clothes don't fit anymore.

[BossMark]

My wife keeps saying she married the wrong man...

...I think she may have a point
I was only in the church to mend the font.

[Harvs]

The Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

[BossMark]

A Bristol woman who promoted a £21m pyramid scam that fleeced some 10,000 victims has been ordered to pay back £1.

Whereas another woman who borrowed £1 from Wonga has to pay back £21m.

[Jimbuna]

A big congratulations to the NASA team that sent a probe past Pluto and successfully sent back images.

Now if they could just liaise with T Mobile and to get me a phone signal in my house!

[Jimbuna]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name.
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole,' she said with a Wispa....
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts,' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip started to itch ..............
turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts.

[BossMark]

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

It works.

I already have 3 persons following me; two policemen and a psychiatrist.

[BossMark]

My wife's so convinced of my psychic abilities, when our phone rings she'll ask me who's calling rather than pick it up to find out herself

[Jimbuna]

Tim Farron is the new leader of the Lib Dems.

For those of you asking "Who?" it's a political party.

[BossMark]

A lorry on its way to a Glasgow depot has overturned on the M8, spilling its entire cargo of pre-packed salad bags onto the carriageway.


A police spokesman has warned drivers to expect delays of up to four minutes, while he picks them both up.

[BossMark]

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Newcastle."

[Jimbuna]

As the executioner picked up the axe, I said, "I thought I was to be hanged. Are you going to chop off my head?"

"No, your legs," he replied. "The rope is too long."

[BossMark]

"Nice greyhound; fast as well. Have you considered racing him?" asked this bloke in the park.

"No, not really," I replied. "I'm far too unfit and out of condition."

[Jimbuna]

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

[BossMark]

If I had a pound for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they keep giving me pounds.

[BossMark]

Pictures of the Queen practising a Nazi salute as a child have emerged.

"I knew she was the one for me, as soon as I saw them" said Prince Philip.

[Jimbuna]

I was watching the film, 'A Perfect Murder,' with my wife, and she told me she was getting scared.

"Is it the storyline?" I said.

"Not really," she replied. "Stop taking notes."

[BossMark]

I ran down the platform trying to catch the train thinking 'I'm sure I put the brake on.'

[Jimbuna]

I was sat minding my own business the other day when some girl comes up to me and says "Excuse me. How do you spell Apple?"

"Apple?" I said. "That's one of the easiest words in the English language! My God, you must be absolutely thick as pig muck! How old are you?"

"Four" she said, crying.

Anyway long story short, I'm no longer a nursery teacher.

[Harvs]

Will there be anymore jokes about the Australian cricket team? It seems they won with a day to spare so you have more time to think of some.

[Sailor Steve]

...so you have more time to think of some.
Nobody thinks of anything here. Nobody even remembers these jokes from one day to the next. It's all copy and paste.

[BossMark]

I was really enjoying my holiday in France this year, sampling some great culture and wonderful food and drink.
It was okay until I ordered a beer in a roadside bar, had a swig and gagged.
I said to the barman, "What the hell is this?"
He replied, "Fosters."
I took it outside and threw it into the road.
I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke on the bike with the yellow shirt I accidentally soaked.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

[BossMark]

It's been reported that George VI, on meeting Hitler pre-war, said, "He seems really decent."

To be honest, I thought that when I married my wife but she also turned out to be an evil dictator.

[BossMark]

'Shamed FIFA president Sepp Blatter is showered in fake dollar bills by British comedian' -
When I read this I thought at first it might be Russell Brand, then I realised the word following British was comedian.

[BossMark]

Doctor said I need to lose weight.
"What's the heaviest you've been?" he asked.....
"18 & a half stone" I told him.
"And what's the lightest you've been?" said the doc....
"7lb 4oz" I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

[Jimbuna]

It's a little known fact that low-rent hardware store Wilko was originally opened as a repair shop for Walkie-Talkies, CB and ham radios by its founder, Roger.

[BossMark]

Just found out the wife is on that Adultery website the Hackers got in to.

Jokes on her though, her profile says shes stuck in a hopeless relationship and is not satisfied in the bedroom. Ha ha. Our caravan doesn't even have a bedroom.

[BossMark]

My Girlfriend and I tried Role-playing last week, the roles were that she was a rape victim and I was the Police officer consoling her.
I gave her a business card and told her I would contact her in 4-6 working days.

I still haven't called her.