The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Justin Bieber goes to jail

Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest.

Then learns cell mate is dyslexic.

[BossMark]

My Internet Explorer has finally finished installing.

It seems that a young girl by the name of McCann has been abducted in Portugal.

[Jimbuna]

I had to leave the room earlier because once I started laughing I just couldn't stop.
My wife wasn't impressed and apparently I won't be present at the birth of any future children...

[BossMark]

If Scotland does gain it's independence, I'll make sure I'm standing at the border, ready to wave them good luck.

I missed the Titanic setting sail, so I'm not missing this.

[Jimbuna]

My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?"

"That's my new girlfriend." I replied.

"Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet."

[BossMark]

I visited America last month and decided to soak up some of the culture.

A shop keeper said "Have a nice day!"

I didn't.

So I sued him.

[Jimbuna]

Our window cleaner doesn't half do a thorough job.

Twice I've come home in the past month to find him cleaning the inside of our bedroom window, whilst embarrassingly my wife is still in bed.

[BossMark]

Paddy & Murphy were very pleased with themselves when they finally finished building the highest chimney in Africa.
Until a local tribesman told them that they had the plans upside down and it should have been a well.

[Jimbuna]

In just 6 days, over 100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada , and is to be reviewed by President Obama.

But this could be a problem, because over 9 billion Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

[Wolferz]

In just 6 days, over 100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada , and is to be reviewed by President Obama.

But this could be a problem, because over 9 billion Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

So we'll just have to deport him to Mexico. Si? :up:

[Jimbuna]

"There's a guy on the phone who says he's Jamaican, but he sounds Scottish." said my secretary.

"That'll be Jim Aitken." I said. "Put him through."

[BossMark]

My wife said I wouldn't be able to cope if she left me and to prove it she moved out for a week.
She called after three days to see how I was getting on.

"I'm fine thanks", I said smugly "it's easy, I just bought a weeks worth of Pot Noodles so I won't go hungry."

"I hope you burn your mouth on the boiling bloody water!" She screamed.

Boiling water?

[Jimbuna]

An old bird came over to me in the pub last night, "How old would you say I was handsome?" She purred.

"You have the eyes of a 25 year old, the hair of an 18 year old, the legs of a 21 year old and the body of a 22 year old." I replied.

"How old then you charmer?" She giggled.

I said "Hold on, Give me time to add them up."

[BossMark]

Gary Delaney, Russell Howard and Peter Kay walk up to the entrance of a nightclub.

"Can we come in?" Delaney asks the bouncer.

"Okay," he says, "But no funny stuff."

"That won't be a problem," they reply.

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife, "If I ever get a trail bike, you won't see me for dust."

[BossMark]

The guy at the Job Centre told me a joke about a job vacancy.

I didn't get it, but the Polish bloke behind me did.

[magic452]

BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

According to another poster it's not true.

Magic

[Jimbuna]

^ Could only happen in the USA :O:

[Jimbuna]

I rang my daughters school up this morning.

"Sorry, Emily won't be in today as she's not very well."

"Oh dear," said her teacher, "what's she got?"

"P.E, Maths And English I think."

[cdrsubron7]

Did you here the one about the two boys in Junior High gym class?

After gym class the two boys were changing back to their street cloths, when one the boys looks at the other and says.

"What happened to you?" says the boy.
The other boy say, " Oh, when I was born in the hospital they gave me a circumcision."
The other boy say, "Gosh, did it hurt?"
"Are you kidding," says the other boy, "I couldn't walk for a year!"

:rotfl2: :rotfl2:

[BossMark]

I persuaded a woman not to jump of a bridge earlier.

The bloke selling bungee jumps was bloody livid.

[Jimbuna]

I'll never forget my first love. She took me outside and showed me her garden.

She then showed me the hole at the bottom of her garden. Full of water.

"Throw in a coin and make a wish." She said.

So I did.

I remember her well.

[BossMark]

First Justin Bieber gets arrested for drink driving, then in the same week he gets arrested for assaulting a limo driver.

This is great! Now if he rapes someone before the end of the month, I win a £1,500 accumulator at Ladbrokes.

[Jimbuna]

Broken pencils are pointless.

[BossMark]

I saw a blind man picking up his dog's poop today.

I said, "Fair play to you, most blind people wouldn't pick up their dog's poo."

"Dog poo?" he replied. "Then where's my bloody phone?"

[Jimbuna]

Wide scale flooding expected throughout Manchester tonight as thousands of Utd fans flush their season tickets down the toilet.

[BossMark]

Italy have no chance of America cooperating with them over the extradition of Amanda Knox.

They have no oil.

[Jimbuna]

My ginger son came home from school yesterday, crying because he has no friends. I asked, "Haven't you got an imaginary friend?"

"I've got two," he wailed, "but even they play together and don't let me join in."

[BossMark]

A girl I know posted this on Facebook:

"Something tragic about watching Celebrity Big Brother on my day off."

She could have just left out "on my day off".

[Jimbuna]

I wish people would stop correcting my spelling and grammar.

Im sic of it.

[BossMark]

I came across a guy about to jump off a bridge. Noticing his wedding ring I said, "Think about your wife."

Oh well, I'm guessing she was problem.

[Jimbuna]

Cops have a real bad attitude.

Especially when you can run faster than them.

[Armistead]

I wish people would stop correcting my spelling and grammar.

Im sic of it.

me two....

[Jimbuna]

I visited a psychic to see if she could contact my wife in the afterlife.

After a few minutes of meditation she said, "She is with us."

"Diane," I said. "Can you hear me? I have a burning question and I can not live if you don't give me the answer. If you ever loved me, please answer."

"Yes," said the psychic. "Diane is ready for your question."

I summoned up all my strength. "Diane," I said. "How do you turn the oven on?"

[BossMark]

"No. it's true," my mate said to us all down the pub. "She's really a virgin and I'm going to be the first man to enjoy her body, although she insists on waiting 'til after the wedding............ By the way, you're all invited of course."

"Thanks," I said. "We might even come to the wedding first."

[Jimbuna]

I just emailed my application form for the dominatrix club...

I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission.

[BossMark]

My blonde wife came home after going to the Doctor's today.
She told me that the man was very nice and even gave her a free prostate exam.

[Jimbuna]

I was standing outside a chemist yesterday when a tramp came up to me and asked if I had any spare nicotine patches.

[BossMark]

I came home from work today to see my wife stood in the garden whilst firemen put out the flames in our kitchen.

I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?"

"What could you have done?" she asked.

I replied, "Well, I could have gone to the Red Lion and got a bite to eat there."

[Jimbuna]

I was walking my dog through the park today when a warden came over and said, "There's a £50 fine for dogs who foul the footpath."

"Well that's not going to bother him," I replied, pointing to my dog. "He's never got any money."

[BossMark]

"Oh my God! What happened to you?" the doctor asked my wife, when I dropped her off at the hospital.

"Nothing," she said. "I start work here today."

[Jimbuna]

My wife and her Weightwatchers' group went on a trip to New York at the weekend and on the Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany's for breakfast.
It was just like that famous film.


Gone in sixty seconds.

[BossMark]

My wife had to apologies to a priest after a church service today. She said, "I'm sorry my husband walked out on your service half way through. The priest replied, "Yes, it was a little disconcerting." She said, "It's nothing personal,

[Jimbuna]

Facebook.

Letting you know what someone you never spoke to at school is having for dinner since February 2004.

[Tango589]

My wife had to apologies to a priest after a church service today. She said, "I'm sorry my husband walked out on your service half way through. The priest replied, "Yes, it was a little disconcerting." She said, "It's nothing personal,

*waiting for the punchline*

[Moonlight]

A country boy goes to the big city to get a job. He gets a job as a salesman at a super/mega store. At the end of his first day, his manager asked him how the first day went.
Manager: How many sales did you make?
Country Boy: Only one.
Manager: Only one? What's the problem?
Country Boy: But it was for $300,000.
Manager: That's fantastic! I've never heard of anything like that!!! How'd you do it?
Country Boy: Well, this guy came in and we were looking at fish hooks. He wanted a small one, but I talked him into buying a bigger one. And since he got a bigger hook, he needed a bigger fishing pole. And if he was going to get a bigger fishing pole for some serious fishing, I told him he might as well buy a fishing boat. He said he'd like to, but his car wasn't big enough to haul a fishing boat, so I sold him a bigger car! All in all, the sale was $300,000.
Manager: WOW! I can't believe it! All because he wanted a fishhook?
Country Boy: Well, no. Actually he'd come in to buy his wife a box of tampons. I told him, "Well, your weekend is shot . . . you might as well go fishing!"

[Jimbuna]

I gave my wife her first driving lesson today.

I said to her, "Go straight ahead, mount the kerb, try to miss the lamp post, shudder to a halt at the junction, and then bunny hop 100 yards down the road until the clutch burns out."

[BossMark]

As me and the wife laid there together.

I said, "Remember our first date? We went to the fair, brought some fish and chips, went on the roller coaster, we screamed, went in the love tunnel and we kissed, then we walked for miles over a field, laid down in the grass, made love, then a month later you found out you was pregnant, your dad told me that I had to do the right thing, my parents also told me I had to do the right thing, so we got married and we have raised little Jimmy so well too."

Wife at this point welling up and nearly bursting into tears, said, "Yes."

I looked back and said to her, "What was the name of that chip shop?"

[Jimbuna]

I was on a date with this girl when she started telling me about her past violent relationships.

"That's terrible," I said, holding her hand. "How bad were the beatings?"

"Well I remember one real nasty one where I broke three of his ribs and punctured a lung," she replied.

[BossMark]

I was on a date with this girl when she started telling me about her past violent relationships.

"That's terrible," I said, holding her hand. "How bad were the beatings?"

"Well I remember one real nasty one where I broke three of his ribs and punctured a lung," she replied.

[Tango589]

BossMark, do you and Jim both own the same joke book?:hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

BossMark, do you and Jim both own the same joke book?:hmmm:

LOL...copying is the best form of flattery

[Jimbuna]

In response to the allegations that terrorists are attempting to use toothpaste bombs to destroy Russian passenger jets during the winter olympics this month, the Russian travel minister has moved quickly to reassure the general public by claiming that "whilst examining the intelligence and considering the significant likelihood of multiple incidents, the odds of being killed whilst travelling on Russian aircraft remain stable at 1 fatality for every 2 passengers carried".

[BossMark]

I was in a bookshop and really lit up when I saw a book called "Living on £4 a Day".

The bugger cost £12.95.

[Jimbuna]

"Where are you going?" asked my wife this morning as I put my coat on.

"I'm off out to take Ben for a stroll around town in his buggy." I replied.

"Just let him walk." she said, "He looks absolutely ridiculous sitting in that thing."

"Ridiculous?" I said, "He's only three."

She said, "I know, but he's a Rottweiler."

[BossMark]

My mate and I were in the pub when he started telling me about his wife cheating on him.

He sobbed, "I can't take this, I'm going to drive my car off a bridge."

I said, "You don't want to do that, mate."

He said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't."

I replied, "You're my lift home."

[donna52522]

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, " I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, " Ok, Ok. I was at a friends house watching movies." Dad asks, " What movies did you watch?" Son says, " Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. The son says, " Ok, Ok. We were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, " Well, he's certainly your son." The robot slaps the mother.

[Tango589]

^:har:

[Red October1984]

A country boy goes to the big city to get a job. He gets a job as a salesman at a super/mega store. At the end of his first day, his manager asked him how the first day went.
Manager: How many sales did you make?
Country Boy: Only one.
Manager: Only one? What's the problem?
Country Boy: But it was for $300,000.
Manager: That's fantastic! I've never heard of anything like that!!! How'd you do it?
Country Boy: Well, this guy came in and we were looking at fish hooks. He wanted a small one, but I talked him into buying a bigger one. And since he got a bigger hook, he needed a bigger fishing pole. And if he was going to get a bigger fishing pole for some serious fishing, I told him he might as well buy a fishing boat. He said he'd like to, but his car wasn't big enough to haul a fishing boat, so I sold him a bigger car! All in all, the sale was $300,000.
Manager: WOW! I can't believe it! All because he wanted a fishhook?
Country Boy: Well, no. Actually he'd come in to buy his wife a box of tampons. I told him, "Well, your weekend is shot . . . you might as well go fishing!"


That's a good one. :har: :har:

I've got some friends that'll love to hear that one.

[BossMark]

My wife has been in hospital recently and I went to visit her today. She said, "How's everything at home?"

I replied, "It's just as you left it, love."

"Aww, you been keeping it nice and tidy?" she asked.

"No," I replied, "I've been lodging at the Red Lion."

[Jimbuna]

On a recent trip to Fiji, I was sitting, talking to a Tribal Chief when it soon became clear he was a cannibal.

The scariest experience ever, my heart was in his mouth.

[BossMark]

My wife and I visited her mother's grave today.

We were stood facing the headstone when she said, "Can we please go somewhere I like now?"

[Jimbuna]

I play for my shop fitting company's football team.

We are great on the counter attack.

[BossMark]

Many people think the devil's number is 666.
I think it is 12/2

Oh, that reminds me. I've got to get my wife's birthday present for next week.

[Jimbuna]

My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewellery ads circled.

I got the hint.

For her birthday she's getting a magazine rack.

[BossMark]

I think pregnancy testing kits are brilliant.

I wish more of the important questions in the world could be answered just by pissing on them.

[Jimbuna]

On the plus side, residents of Somerset finally have a use for those webbed fingers and toes.

[BossMark]

My wife said that she always wanted to see what Venice looked like.

So this weekend I'm taking her to Somerset.

[Jimbuna]

After visiting a psychiatrist, it appears that my humour is a reflection of my girlfriend.

Short, snappy and stupid.

[Herr-Berbunch]

For weeks I've been living upstairs with my family in my Somerset house because the downstairs is flooded.

Elated today to see the Red Cross boat coming to our rescue.

My mistake, they were just collecting for Syria.

[BossMark]

Princes Charles and William have appeared in a video appeal to stop the poaching trade in endangered species.

Charles said, "If people keep killing these animals for money, there won't be any left for us to kill for a bit of a laugh."

[Jimbuna]

My grandma was talking to her 75 year old neighbour, "I'm going to that new movie 'Moby Dick', do you want to come?" "Oh no,no," says her neighbour, "I don't like those sex films." "It's a film about whales silly" says grandma. To which her friend replies..... "I can't stand the Welsh either!!!

[BossMark]

I'm having a great time at the Winter Olympics in Sochi and I've just had the honour of playing poker with the one and only Vladimir Putin.

You should have seen his face when I beat him with a pair of queens.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the crap out of me….

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

[Jimbuna]

I took my 17 year-old son to A & E yesterday.

I said to a nurse, "Can you give him an X-ray."

She said, "Why, what's wrong with him?"

I said, "Nothing, I just want to know if you can see any work in the lazy bugga."

[BossMark]

Riverside and seafront property values have dropped dramatically in the south of England.

This is owing to the fact that every bugger now has one.

[Jimbuna]

Last year, my favourite eatery just missed out on being named outright winner of "Restaurant of the Year".

It was a Thai.

[BossMark]

I phoned 999 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, "What does it look like?"

I replied, "It's big, green and full of swings.

[Jimbuna]

I've recently started using food in my magic act.

I start by crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts and then I blend them together with grated parmesan and olive oil.

Hey Pesto!

[BossMark]

The wife and I got our baby home from hospital today. She suggested that I had a go at changing its nappy.

I said "I'm busy, I'll change the next one."

Three hours later, she asked again.

"I meant the next baby."

[Jimbuna]

I got home late from the pub last night and my Korean wife had already gone to bed.

She'd left a note on the kitchen table that read, 'Your dog is in the dinner.'

[BossMark]

'Roll up, roll up' cried the man at the country fair in the top hat and tails.

'OK' i said 'what are you selling?'

'Selling' he replied, 'I'm trying to blag a smoke'

[magic452]

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says,
"What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Magic

[BossMark]

I've just booked a cruise for myself and my wife for our honeymoon.

We've always wanted to go to Somerset.

[Jimbuna]

Wayne Rooney is so ugly just after he was born, his mother said, "What a treasure!" and his father said, "Yea, let's go bury it!"

[BossMark]

The Guardian: "Further storms to batter the UK"

The Sun : "Worst storms to hit the UK since 1700"

Daily Star: "Help We Are Drowning"

Daily Mail: "Duchess Kate sparkles in blue gown"

[Herr-Berbunch]

^ You missed the Express - Britain Flooded with Diana's Tears.

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron has at last visited scenes of flooding in Britain!
I reckon he's out to win over the ' Floating Voters!'

[Kaptlt.Endrass]

I was reading through this and found a post.

What do people have against redheads??!!
(page 7)

Good joke I suppose but....

[BossMark]

I was flashed by a speed camera going through Staines today.

No idea why, I was only doing 30 knots.

[Jimbuna]

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...


Summer Arrives Early in Britain! :D

[Jimbuna]

Alex Salmond has said that if Scotland gains independence from the rest of the UK he will hold a referendum on whether to impose tighter border controls to prevent non-English speaking immigrants entering Scotland.

The choices on the ballot paper will be: 'Aye', and: 'Gonnae no dae that'.

[BossMark]

Worrying about having to fork out money tomorrow, I begrudgingly asked my wife what she wanted for Valentines Day.

She said, "I only want a card, any card will do."

I couldn't believe my luck!

Clinton's were still selling Christmas cards with a 75% discount.

[Jimbuna]

Just bumped into a mate of mine coming out of the doctors,

"You ok Pete?" I asked,

"Yes, brilliant," he said smiling, "Just been told I am going blind in my left eye."

"How is that good?" I asked him.

"Well I have two grand in my pocket I was just going to spend on a new 3D TV, I can spend that in the pub now."

[BossMark]

I just called the children in and said, "Guess what, kids. Daddy's just been and booked a two week all inclusive holiday in June.

"Yippee," they shouted jumping around, "Where are we going?"

"Your Grandma's." I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Two Liverpudlians walk into a bar, well actually 300 did but they still deny it and demand compensation from the barman.

[BossMark]

I was in Somerset today when I saw a upturned car floating around in a car park with a parking ticket on the window.

The traffic wardens around here are absolute bastards.

[Jimbuna]

My thoughts are with the unfortunate people of Gibraltar just now. Stuck between a rock and a hard-up place.

[BossMark]

I don't get why people are saying "Roll on summer"....

The only difference is the rain is warmer...

[Jimbuna]

At a job interview: "Tell me the best thing about yourself."

"I'm a glass half full type of guy."

"You mean you have a positive outlook, you're a real go-getter?"

"No, I'm an alcoholic."

[BossMark]

Living on a floodplain and wondering why you've been flooded is like living on a volcano and thinking "What's that red stuff?!?!"

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar "Aaaaghh"...........................It was an iron bar.

[BossMark]

"And today on Weight Fighters, we welcome Mandy from Staines, who has lost an incredible 3 stone in one week, how have you managed it Mandy?"
"I've stopped going to McDonald's, KFC and Burger King and the local Kebab shop" she said.
"That must have taken some will power Mandy?"
"Not really", she said, "I can't swim!.

[Jimbuna]

I've just had 550 'Likes' on Facebook...

That's the last time I hold a conversation with a Geordie.

[BossMark]

If Operation Yewtree continues at it's present level of success , Jimmy Savile will be given a Queens Pardon and his old gravestone back.

[Jimbuna]

I read a study that said only half of women take appearance into account when sizing up a man as a potential partner.

It's comforting to know that it's my deeply inadequate personality that's actually to blame, then.

[BossMark]

My wife said, "How come you never take me to the theatre? You know I love the theatre."

I said, "How come you never take me to the strip club?"

[Jimbuna]

"If one of us dies," I said to wife, "I'm going to buy a dog."

[Tango589]

http://i298.photobucket.com/albums/mm260/tango589/94941-monkey-sigh-rimshot-gif-drums-K5UJ.gif?t=1392478334

[BossMark]

Trust the Japanese to spot an opportunity. Just saw a whaling ship moored outside Wetherspoons on Staines High Street.

[Jimbuna]

Having already downed a few power drinks, a woman turned around, faced a man, looked him straight in the eye and said:
'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... It doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

[swamprat69er]

Having already downed a few power drinks, a woman turned around, faced a man, looked him straight in the eye and said:
'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... It doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

It was so cold here last night that the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.

[Sailor Steve]

Lawyer jokes now, is it? I'm sure I've told this one before, but the crowd seems to be mostly new, so...

God was so tired of The Devil screwing things up for him that he decided to take him to court. Satan immediately says "You know you're going to lose, don't you?"

God says "What makes you think so?"

Satan replies "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

[Catfish]

"The other side, very dark it is .."

"Yoda, shut up and eat your tomato."

[swamprat69er]

What is the difference between a lawyer and a carp?




Wait for it,






One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, the other is a fish.:haha:

[Herr-Berbunch]

Wait for it,
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, the other is a fish.:haha:

We used to have a similar one for WRAFs (female members of the RAF) -

What's the difference between a WRAF and a walrus?

One's big, fat, and hairy, and stinks of fish. The other is a walrus.

[swamprat69er]

We used to have a similar one for WRAFs (female members of the RAF) -

What's the difference between a WRAF and a walrus?

One's big, fat, and hairy, and stinks of fish. The other is a walrus.

:har::har:

[Jimbuna]

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

[Sailor Steve]

I wrote this one myself, a long time ago.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Give me a thousand-dollar retainer and I'll look into it for you.

[BossMark]

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

[BossMark]

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

[TarJak]

The rich kid, becomes a junkie
The poor kid, an advertiser
What a tragic waste of potential
Being a junkie's not so good, either

[BossMark]

This girl was chatting me up at the pub.
"So, what do you do for a living?" she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass."
"I'm a boxer," I said proudly.
"Oh, lovely!" she winked. "I like sleeping with real men."

Funny how she could be so impressed that I work for Amazon.

[Jimbuna]

A new study has revealed that women with big bums live longer than men who mention it.

[BossMark]

"Honey," said the wife, "I've just checked your browser history and seen that you go on porn sites. That has to stop!"

"Ah, shut up," I said, "you sound like my ex-wife."

"What? I didn't know you'd already been married. I thought I was your first wife."

"You are."

[Jimbuna]

I went to identify my wife's body at the mortuary.

"Are you absolutely sure it's her?" asked the policeman.

"Yes," I said. "She's cold and she isn't talking to me, what more do you want?"

[Peter Cremer]

Q: What do you have if you have a pile of 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.

[Jimbuna]

So Roy Hodgson is in Brazil looking at the facilities.
He should be quite impressed with the leather sofas in the airport departure lounge.

[BossMark]

So Simon Cowell will be waking up to a whining screaming racket every morning for the next few months.
And after the radio have finished playing his latest signing, he'll have to attend to his crying baby too.

[Jimbuna]

For sale. Packet of Polo's, mint condition.

[swamprat69er]

For sale. Packet of Polo's, mint condition.
groan:down:

[BossMark]

I had an inspection on my rented house due, so I asked my mate for some advice:

"I've got loads of little chips and dirty marks on my white paint, what should I do?"

"Put a bit of toothpaste on it" he said, "they'll never know."

I tried it, but wish I hadn't.

If anything the red and blue stripes made it look worse.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend told me she was on a diet.
I said, "A seafood diet?"
She replied, "Why? Because I see food and eat it?"
I said, "No, because you look like a whale"

[BossMark]

Prince William has said that he wants to remove all the ivory from Buckingham Palace.

I assume he'll be starting with Camilla's teeth.

[Jimbuna]

Took the wife to Paris and was amazed at all the tables and chairs outside the restaurants.

We've got that in Birmingham...we call it eviction.

[BossMark]

John makes £15,000 per year and has £500 in his bank account.
Chris makes £25,000 per year and has £1000 in his bank account.
The bank makes £2.73billion per year and has £837million in its bank account.

Who pays less taxes?

[Jimbuna]

The brain of one monkey has been used to control the movements of another monkey, US scientists report.

In the UK we just call that peer pressure between politicians.

[BossMark]

Britain's judges have declared that whole-life sentences will mean whole life.

They've made divorce illegal?

[Jimbuna]

Why don't the insurance companies empty a couple of tankers of Cillit Bang into the flood waters?

If they did when the floods end everything will be sparkling like new with the added advantage that it will completely remove Staines.

[BossMark]

So £4000 worth a LEGO was stole from a shop in London last night.

The criminals parked the getaway car a few blocks away.

[TarJak]

So £4000 worth a LEGO was stole from a shop in London last night.

The criminals parked the getaway car a few blocks away.
The police are piecing the case together by doing a block by block search.

[BossMark]

I was sat on a packed bus when this woman said to me,

"Excuse me, why don't you let this heavily pregnant woman laden with bags of shopping sit down."

"Why the hell should I? " I replied, "I've paid my fare the same as her, besides, she can sit down when we get home."

[Jimbuna]

My wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

My mate asked, "How's she getting on?"

I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane."

[BossMark]

I saw my next door neighbour in the garden this morning, "I could hear you having some very loud wild sex last night." she smiled.

"You couldn't have," I replied, "I was working nights."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." She apologized covering her mouth with her hand.

"Don't be sorry," I assured her, "Nights aren't that bad."

[Jimbuna]

I promised my wife the earth today.

But gave her the live, and electrocuted her.

[BossMark]

Who said men can't multitask?

I think we've just proved that we slide stones on ice and sweep up at the same time better.

Your move ladies.

[Jimbuna]

I got cold feet on my wedding day.

I was so drunk I forgot my shoes.

[BossMark]

I was sat in a pub pondering and looking into my glass when a stranger said to me,

"Alcohol won't solve your problems mate," he said,

"what makes you think I have got problems? " I replied,

"your bus parked outside full of people is a bit of a clue, " he said.

[Jimbuna]

I arrived at the Psychiatrists to speak to him about my Kleptomania.

"Morning Mr Jones, take a seat".

"I thought you were meant to be helping!".

[BossMark]

Polar Vortex - an Arctic like time at which American society reverts to caveman like intelligence and survival abilities by crowding Walmarts and other local superstores trying to horde all the goods they feel they think they need to survive.

In Canada they call it winter.

[Sailor Steve]

HEY! I'm getting real tired of all these American jokes telling us how easy we have it compared to other countries!

Yeah, alright, the truth hurts.

[Jimbuna]

Two big stories on the News tonight ;

Ukraine , and UK rain.

[BossMark]

My wife and I were driving along the road when she asked, "If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what would it be?"

"A dog!" I yelled.

"Aw, come on," she laughed. "You can do better than that."

"No, you just hit a bloody dog!" I replied.

[Jimbuna]

I went to my cat's funeral today.

Hopefully for the last time

[BossMark]

I was in hospital visiting my wife after her operation when the nurse suggested it might help if I adjusted my wife's pillows to make it more comfortable.

She wasn't wrong. Taking my wife's two pillows and putting them on my chair was a lot more comfortable.

[Jimbuna]

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron.

What about the other one?

They called back.

[BossMark]

Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in Liverpool.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

[Jimbuna]

Atos have confirmed today that they are looking for a way to get out of their 'fit to work' testing contract early.

But as they have already proved that they are perfectly capable of doing the work, the government have said no and told them to get on with it.

[BossMark]

How do you piss off a hitchhiker?
Pick them up and do a U-turn.

[Jimbuna]

Hugely disappointed with the British men's curling team today.

Still, never mind, by next time they'll be the Scottish men's curling team and everyone will be expecting them to lose.

[BossMark]

Gone are they days when girls cooked like their mothers.

Now they drink like their fathers.

[Jimbuna]

For our twentieth wedding anniversary I decided to do something extra special, it cost me almost every penny I had but my wife is now just like the day we first met

Single

[BossMark]

"Would you like an extended warranty with that?" asked the guy in Staples. "For only £12.99 we can insure your purchase for three extra years against accidental damage, fire, theft, flood and faults in the manufacturing process."

"No, if it breaks I'll just buy another one," I said. "It's only a fbloody pencil after all."

[Jimbuna]

"Daddy, who's that man sitting in the kitchen?" asked my daughter.

"That's the doctor, he's come to see your mother."

"Well, is he going up to see her?"

"Yes, but I thought I'd let him sit and wait like they do to us."

[BossMark]

I see Cossacks attacked Pussy Riot with pepper spray and horse whips when they tried to perform in Sochi.

Where are these guys when Justin Bieber is performing?

[Jimbuna]

"Dave, you coming for a pint ?"

"Nah, I'm building a helicopter and helipad."

"Some hobbies are just too hard to Lego, eh?"

[BossMark]

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.

And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

[Jimbuna]

The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."

A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."

[Herr-Berbunch]

The mother-in-law has just been told by the doctor that she has a very aggressive flesh-eating bug.

She's been given 10 years to live.

[Mittelwaechter]

BE MORE AGGRESSIVE!

[Jimbuna]

I downloaded an audio file on the internet last night.
When I played it, it consisted of some of the most vulgar
and obscene language that I have ever heard.

That's the last time I use Bit Tourette to download anything

[BossMark]

"What's the problem?" The doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat sugar puffs it smells of sugar puffs, or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my piss smell like piss doctor?"

"Have you tried drinking Fosters?"

[Jimbuna]

As I approached the teller in the bank yesterday , she asked me if I wouldn't mind removing my motorcycle helmet.

" Not bloody likely " , I said , " Next thing you'll be asking me to drop this sawn-off shotgun."

[BossMark]

The police have arrested a man after receiving several complaints that he was riding a bicycle along the M25.

The main complaint was that he was traveling five times as fast as everyone else.

[Jimbuna]

The Ukrainians are celebrating in the streets after the ousting of a hate figure who's now being pursued by the law.

I didn't realise they knew who Piers Morgan was.

[Jimbuna]

"Apparently, there are a couple of words in the English language that cause a woman to uncontrollably gain weight and let herself go. Do you have any idea what they may be?"

"I do"

[BossMark]

The wife and I were having a massive row.
"I'm so disappointed in you," she said. "When we got married I thought you were a brave man."
"Yes," I replied, "and so did all my my friends."

[Jimbuna]

I've just walked in on my missus with one of Goldfingers henchmen.

I asked, "What have I told you about doing odd jobs around the house?"

[BossMark]

Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.

[Jimbuna]

"They slipped behind the barn and quickly removed each others harness. There, with nothing to rein them in, it was going to be a night of unbridled passion...

Fifty Shades of Hay

[Armistead]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife"

[Jimbuna]

^ :har:

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2:

That is just so wrong...
:rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[BossMark]

Armistead that was marvelous :har::rotfl2:

[BossMark]

My sister gave me her mate's number, saying that if I texted her I could get a date.
So I texted: "Hi, Sarah gave me your number. My name's Jim. Would you like to come out for a drink sometime?"
She texted back: "OMG! I neva fort ud txt! Yes id like tht!"
So I texted back: "Sorry, better forget it. Sarah didn't tell me you were a spastic.

[Jimbuna]

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[BossMark]

My mate couldn't handle living with his wife any longer so last week he hired a hitman.

RIP Paddy.

[Jimbuna]

A guy was killed in the alley behind where I work last night,
I went and had a look at the scene just as the cops were leaving.
Apparently the deceased was an alien with four arms and three legs,

or he wasn't quite dead when the chalk outline guy got there.

[BossMark]

A guy at work jumped off the top of our building today.

It took some skill to land within the chalk lines.

[Jimbuna]

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife.

Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife

[BossMark]

It was the morning of my wife's birthday and she came down stairs I smiled at her,

"Would you like to try a spin in your birthday present? " I asked. She was flabbergasted,

"You're joking me, of course I do, where is it?"

"Follow me, " I said, and there it was in the kitchen, a brand new Hotpoint washer/dryer.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window
Teacher : who just threw that?!
Boy : Me! I’m going home now

[BossMark]

"I once briefly had a job printing fake bank notes, but quit after a couple of days."

"How come?"

"The money was terrible."

[Jimbuna]

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

[Sailor Steve]

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife.

Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife
That's a new variation of my old favorite, which I've told here before.

In Heaven: the police are all British, the mechanics are all German, the chefs are all Italian, the lovers are all French, and everything is run by the Swiss.

In Hell: the police are all German, the mechanics are all French, the chefs are all British, the lovers are all Swiss, and everything is run by the Italians.

[Eisenwurst]

A bloke goes to a doctor.
"Doc, I'm really constipated please help me."
The Dr. says, "Here's some pills. Put one in your back passage every night and see me in a weeks time."
A week goes by and the bloke goes to see the Dr.
The doctor says, "how'd you get on with those pills, Did they work."
The bloke says, "they were bloody useless, firstly I don't have a back passage so I put them in the hall and for all the good they done me I may as well have stuck 'em up me ........."

[BossMark]

I blame the demise of those cute little red public toilets, that used to be on almost every street, on mobile phones.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[BossMark]

To commemorate World War One in 2014:

The French - Are erecting a statue in each village

The Germans - Are lowering their flags each day

The British - Are having a season of programmes on the BBC

The Russians - Cordially invite you to World War 3 commencing in the Ukraine.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[BossMark]

It's that time again, film award season.

And I bet the inmates at Pollsmoor maximum security prison, Cape Town, South Africa, can't wait to find out who the Oscar goes to...

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep working the names of English cities into everything I say.

I replied "York kidding me?"

[BossMark]

I walked into the post office and asked for six first class stamps.

"They've gone up in price again." said the lady at the window.

"Again?" I asked, "Well you know where you can stick them!"

"Of course I do." she replied. "I work at the post office."

[Jimbuna]

As I put steak, home-made chips and some coleslaw down on the table in front of my wife last night, she looked at me with a big smile.

"Dave, are you feeling okay?" she giggled. "I've got to text the girls and tell them about this!"

"Hurry up then," I said. "You're sitting in my seat."

[Herr-Berbunch]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." - "What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Well bugger me"

Hardy: "Well Sir, because of the MoD equality rules...

[BossMark]

The scariest thing about this world war 3 starting is that we are on the Germans side.
They've never won a world war yet.

[Jimbuna]

Justin Timberlake is due to release a previous hit to draw attention to the conflict between Russia and Ukraine. Crimea River will be available on iTunes today.

[BossMark]

I was getting in my car at the Asda car park and this sexy hot girl caught my eye, she approached me and said "You look like the kind of guy I could have an afternoon session with"

Turns out she was a personal trainer and just thought I looked a bit of a fat sod.

[Jimbuna]

I came home from the auction with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett, while my brother bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker.

So it was a good buy from me, and a good buy from him.

[BossMark]

Carrots may be good for your eyes.

But alcohol will double your vision.

[Jimbuna]

Carrots may be good for your eyes.

But alcohol will double your vision.

Carrots must be good for you...ever seen a rabbit wearing spectacles?

[BossMark]

Ah, I was just remembering being at school - smoking with the 5th year lads behind the bike sheds, trying to cop off with all the girls, throwing stink bombs in through the staff room window.....
The headmaster said I was the worst caretaker they'd ever had.

[Jimbuna]

There's a sign in my local curry house saying..
"Try our curries, you'll never get better"
NOT eating there then!!!

[BossMark]

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had, until a fart that from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified.

"Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right, nurse?"

"Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."

[Jimbuna]

So Russia invades Ukraine,years after they broke away from them,

Be warned Scotland, be warned.

[BossMark]

I see Paddy Power are taking bets on Oscar Pistorius murder trial.

9/2 if he's found guilty
1000/1 if he walks

[Jimbuna]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[BossMark]

Great Numbers in Comedy History:

3 - the number of Stooges

12 - the number of episodes of "Fawlty Towers"

173 - the number of times this week I've heard the "Oscar Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on" joke

[Jimbuna]

When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.

Chuck Norris doesn't tell lies. He changes facts.

[BossMark]

I went to this swingers party in Liverpool and tossed my keys into a bowl. I thought I had hit the jackpot when this sultry blonde picked them out.

Never saw my BMW again.

[Jimbuna]

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

[Eisenwurst]

Putin goes to a fortune teller.
"What do you see in my future?" He asks.
She says, "I see a victorious nation celebrating and many banners with writing on them."
"Great", he says, "what does the writing say?"
" I don't know", she says. "Its in Chinese".

[GoldenRivet]

A man walks in from work one evening and says to his wife: "honey I've invited a friend from work over to dinner tonight."

The wife, quite irritated says "what?! All we have is TV dinners, the house is a complete mess, I'm wearing a moo moo, my hair is in rollers and I'm way too tired to entertain you and your friend!"

The husband says "yeah... I know all that."

The wife says "if you knew all that why the hell did you invite him over?!"

The husband replies "well, he's thinking about getting married... I just wanted him to see what it was like before he made his decision."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend and I were on the beach when she said, "Let's make love in the sea."

"Only if we don't go very deep," I replied, "because I can't swim."

A little while later she giggled and asked, "Do you think anybody realises what we're doing?"

"Probably," I said, as another wave broke over my ankles.

[BossMark]

I walked in to a fish and chip shop today.

"I've got no fish already cooked and I'm out of cod, rock, plaice, haddock and scampi", said the bloke behind the counter.

"Better get your skates on then", I replied.

[Jimbuna]

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

[BossMark]

The advertising watchdog has ordered Paddy Power to pull its controversial ad featuring Oscar Pistorius, after a wave of protest has seen it become the most complained-about campaign ever.

The advert shows a photograph of Pistorius superimposed on a statue of an Oscar award. Next to it, the ad states "It's Oscar Time. Money back if he walks."

A spokesman for Paddy Power said, "Punters were annoyed that we were not offering the bet over two legs"

[Jimbuna]

My wife came home today and said, "You'll be sorry, I'm going to leave you."
I replied. "Make your mind up, which one is it going to be."

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius has been accused of firing a gun in a Johannesburg restaurant, he claims it was an accident.


To be fair, if I were married to a blonde FHM model I'd constantly be saying, "Sorry, it went off in my hand." too.

[Jimbuna]

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.

[BossMark]

The gay England International is obviously Ashley Cole

No straight man cheats on Cheryl Cole gods sake

[Jimbuna]

How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

[Herr-Berbunch]

How ironic that Putin is against homosexuality but enters another country through the back door.

[BossMark]

The guy in Subway made my sandwich and then said, "Would you like any cookies? It's 50p for one or three for a pound."

I said, "I'll have two, please."

It took him a few seconds, but his head did eventually explode.

[Jimbuna]

Breaking News ..... international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven't got anything to wear

[BossMark]

My girlfriend asked me what I'd do with my life if I lost her.

I said it would be like breaking a pencil.

She said, "Do you mean it would be pointless?"

I said, "No, I'd just go out and buy another one."

[Tango589]

My wife said 'make love to me like you never have before'
'ok' i said, as I pulled on the penguin outfit.

[Jimbuna]

Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund.

[BossMark]

"That's disgusting, why do you have to do that?" said my girlfriend

"What? I'm only dunking my biscuit, loads of blokes do it"

"Not during oral sex they don't!"

[Jimbuna]

After 10 years of marriage, I've learned an important lesson.

Flowers and an apology are a lot easier than actually changing.

[BossMark]

And the winner of crufts 2014 is...

Claire Balding!

[Jimbuna]

"Hi honey, I'm home." Said the ginger.

He then also greeted the Marmite and the apricot jam.

[Jimbuna]

They says criminals always return to the scene of a crime.

Which is why we've probably got so many Australians over here.

[BossMark]

I walked up to the bar and said to the barman,

"A pint of lager and something suitable for my wife please."

So he pulled her a pint of bitter.

[TarJak]

Apparently, if you put your location as Newcastle on facebook, you get a 'like' button after every word