The joke thread [Archive] - Page 30 - SUBSIM Radio Room Forums

ShadowSlayer1

02-04-15, 03:28 PM

There was this man that had a Prize bull with an ailment, (he is telling this to his neighbor), he says I got the Vet to come out and he checks him up and down. He then ask if I have a coral or pen I could put him in, and I told him, sure right out behind the barn. He says great, and says give your bull 1 table spoon of this powder once a day with his feed for 1 week, and then you can turn him loose. The week ended 3 days ago, man! he went out and serviced all my cows! The neighbor pipes up with "Wow that's great, whats the name of that stuff?" The rancher says I don't know, but it kind of taste like peppermint. :doh:

magic452

02-05-15, 02:42 AM

OOOPs wrong thread.

Magic

GoldenRivet

02-05-15, 03:43 AM

Bernard is frequenting the beach and he is checking out all the hot girls but he isnt having any luck in scoring a date.

he approaches his friend who is always swarming with good looking girls and Bernard asks him "How is it that you pick up all these great looking girls and i cant seem to snag a single one!?"

The friend says "well, the secret is simple, grab a good sized cucumber and stick it down your speedo... then the girls will flock to you." the friend winks and heads back to his harem of beautiful girls.

a few days pass and Bernard again approaches his friend "Hey pal! i took your advice, thanks for nothing... now the girls not only wont talk to me, but they generally act disgusted and avoid me even worse than before!"

the friend looks Bernard over, rolls his eyes and says

"Bernard........ boy..... your supposed to put the cucumber down the front of your speedo."

BossMark

02-05-15, 05:29 AM

Waterboarding at Guantánamo Bay sounds super fun, if you don't know what either of those things are.

Jimbuna

02-05-15, 02:16 PM

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones.

Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

fireftr18

02-05-15, 10:48 PM

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Now I'm a believer.

BossMark

02-06-15, 02:18 AM

If I had a pound for every time I've needed a coin for a shopping trolley....

Jimbuna

02-06-15, 10:22 AM

I went to a night club with my mates last night and we all had a £20 bet to see who could grab the ugliest woman.

After an hour or so they called my mobile and said, "Where are you?"

I said, "At home with the wife."

desertstriker

02-06-15, 12:17 PM

How does hitler tie his shoes?

With little Nazis.

BossMark

02-07-15, 03:37 AM

My wife has just accused me of being over sensitive.

She didn't even do it in a nice way.

Jimbuna

02-07-15, 10:00 AM

The 7 Dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.

Snow White is worried for their lives, until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying, "I think David Cameron is a great Prime Minister".

She says, "Thank heavens, at least Dopey's all right!"

Eichhörnchen

02-07-15, 10:18 AM

Salesman rings doorbell, little boy opens door: "Is your Mum in, Sonny?"

"No, she's dead"

"Oh that's terrible to hear, I'm so sorry... is your Dad there?"

"No, he's dead too: his car went over Beachy Head"

"Oh how awful", said the salesman. "Don't you have any aunts or uncles to take care of you?"

"No, they're all dead"

"Oh, my... Grandparents?"

"Dead"

"Oh dear, oh dear! How about sisters then?"

"I had a sister... she was in the car with my Dad"

"Oh no! You poor little guy"

The boy's face suddenly brightened: "I've got a brother!"

"Oh thank heaven!"

"Yes, he's at university!"

"Is he?"

"Yes: he's in a bottle..."

BossMark

02-08-15, 03:22 AM

The other day a veteran was making a fuss:
"Thatcher fought Argentina over a scrap of worthless land and a bunch of sheep!"

I was confused. I never knew Argentina invaded Cardiff.

Jimbuna

02-08-15, 08:46 AM

What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth"?

Three different answers.

BossMark

02-08-15, 09:35 AM

A first date last night asked me my least favourite night of the week.

I don't think bath night was the right answer.

Jimbuna

02-08-15, 10:04 AM

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.

BossMark

02-08-15, 10:08 AM

You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.

Jimbuna

02-08-15, 11:38 AM

I saw a chameleon today, obviously it's still in training.

BossMark

02-09-15, 01:53 AM

Little Johnny: Mum, I was in the bus yesterday with dad and he asked me to give up my seat for a lady.

Mum: Good, you did the right thing.

Little Johnny: But Mum, I was sitting on dad's lap.

magic452

02-09-15, 02:51 AM

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has
done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells
him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

Magic

BossMark

02-09-15, 03:36 AM

My mother in law sounded excited when I told her I've organised a 'Black Tie' event in her honour.

Some people call them funerals.

BossMark

02-09-15, 09:51 AM

Feeling sentimental during our anniversary, my wife asked, "Do you remember the first time we had sex?"

My reply, "I don't even remember the last time we had sex.", ended the night rather abruptly.

Jimbuna

02-09-15, 04:23 PM

My wife just opened my car door for me...

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

BossMark

02-10-15, 12:44 AM

I saw a UFO yesterday.

So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with.

Jimbuna

02-10-15, 10:44 AM

I've been searching for my stolen bed.
And I won't rest until I find it.

BossMark

02-10-15, 02:16 PM

I asked my girlfriend to marry me today. She said yes but refused to change her name.

I wanted to call her Tracy so I didn't have to get my tattoo removed.

Jimbuna

02-11-15, 08:31 AM

This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated. Sorry. In, undated.

BossMark

02-11-15, 02:17 PM

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout..... "Where are you from mate?"

magic452

02-12-15, 03:51 AM

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing, Communist who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

Magic

BossMark

02-12-15, 05:11 AM

After being sentenced to 16yrs the captain of the Costa Concordia has been given bail because "he's not a flight risk" ?

I seem to remember him being pretty nippy leaving the ship.

Jimbuna

02-12-15, 07:32 AM

My wife woke me up this morning by screaming hysterically at our son's cot.

I'd forgotten to mention that I'd dressed him up as a Smurf before bedtime.

BossMark

02-12-15, 07:49 AM

So the new Ghostbusters movie is going to have an all female cast?

Surely Dustbusters would be a more fitting name...

Jimbuna

02-12-15, 08:14 AM

I asked the librarian for the book about English Weather.

She said, "You mean Fifty Shades of Grey"

"Yeah, that's the one"

BossMark

02-12-15, 08:19 AM

A woman take away all your ambitions, crush all your dreams, make you give up all your interests and passions in favour of trying to keep her happy when she never is...

... and on Valentine's Day she expects you to thank her for that.

BossMark

02-12-15, 11:31 AM

Since my dear beloved wife died after 27 years of marriage, I've become so lonely so I decided to join a dating agency yesterday and they immediately found me a match. I met her only this morning and we both hit it off right away - we even came back to my place and had amazing sex. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget my wife but this new lady has given me hope that I can live again. She's also promised to be there to comfort me at my wife's funeral tomorrow afternoon

Jimbuna

02-12-15, 02:35 PM

A Facebook friend of mine posted a video of her infant son with the caption, "Future footballer?"

I watched it expecting to see the little lad kicking a soft ball around, but he just fell over then started screaming.

Jimbuna

02-12-15, 03:04 PM

Garry Kasparov has been charged with assault after battering an ex-girlfriend over the head with a chess set. Prosecutors say it is the first confirmed Russian case of revenge pawn.

BossMark

02-13-15, 07:38 AM

I feel a bit sorry for the millions of people who won't receive a Valentines day card this year.

Still, I suppose it's their own fault for getting married.

Jimbuna

02-13-15, 09:24 AM

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

BossMark

02-13-15, 11:27 AM

I can't wait to see how strong my feminist girlfriend's ethics are on Valentine's Day.

As a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man, I'm sure she'll be delighted to find out she can buy her own bloody chocolates and flowers.

BossMark

02-13-15, 12:36 PM

You can't please some women. I bought my wife 250 flowers for Valentine's Day.

So what if they spell out 'Granddad'

Jimbuna

02-14-15, 09:29 AM

Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography.

"Shelf E," replied the librarian.

"Aye that's the one," said Sean.

BossMark

02-15-15, 05:37 AM

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentines Day.
"Ooh", she said, "a nice new Porsche Cayman. To use as a runaround".
"Hold on", I said, "they're bonkers money. I haven't got that sort of cash. That's ridiculous. Be realistic".
"OK", she says, "In that case, I'd like you to be more empathetic, more tender. Listen to me when I've had a tough day with the kids. Help out with the hoovering and dusting. Do the cooking at weekends. Read me poetry sometimes....".
"What colour did you want that Porsche?", I asked, reaching for the phone...

Jimbuna

02-15-15, 08:34 AM

"I'm sorry but I've had a better offer." I said to a stunning blonde in the bar.

"I ask you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and make love to me? What could be better than that?" she asked.

"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and lives round the corner."

magic452

02-16-15, 02:56 AM

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks,
"What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada! I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Magic

BossMark

02-16-15, 03:55 AM

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

Jimbuna

02-16-15, 10:29 AM

Dyslexically, 5 out of 2 people are statistics.

BossMark

02-16-15, 11:24 AM

Radio One has banned its DJs from playing Madonna songs, saying that at 56 she is old and irrelevant.

Yeah, at the BBC they only like 'em young.

Jimbuna

02-16-15, 01:37 PM

My sister is so ugly, she couldn't get a date from a calendar.

BossMark

02-17-15, 03:05 AM

I lost a special timepiece, that my truly beloved bought me, at a party recently.
After searching for an hour, I notice that a man was stood on it whilst forcing himself upon a young woman.
I walked up to him and punched him in the face.

Nobody treats women like that, not on my watch.

Jimbuna

02-17-15, 08:08 AM

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with slogan: Coverage from cradle to grave.

Second tries to improve on that with: Coverage from womb to tomb.

Not to be outdone third comes up with: From sperm to worm.

Fourth really thought hard and almost gave up, but finally came up with:
From erection to resurrection.

BossMark

02-17-15, 08:44 AM

Have you ever wondered why mountain climbers rope themselves together?

It's to stop the sensible ones going home.

Jimbuna

02-17-15, 08:53 AM

Ironing done.
Hoovering done.
Washing done.
Dusting done.
Kids bathed.
Kids in bed.

Perfect!

Now I can leave the pub.

Herr-Berbunch

02-17-15, 01:17 PM

A Scottish woman has made it onto the shortlist for going to Mars.

She's going to be gutted when she finds out its not deep fried.

BossMark

02-18-15, 12:31 AM

After chatting up this fit blonde in the club last night, I pulled out my phone..

"Do you think I could have your number?" I asked.

"Well, maybe." She replied. "But it'd be a hell of a coincidence."

Jimbuna

02-18-15, 07:07 AM

"I'll have a Rum and Coke," I said to our new Irish barmaid.

"Is Pepsi OK?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied.

Now I'm drinking a Pepsi and Coke!!

GoldenRivet

02-18-15, 07:19 AM

"I'll have a Rum and Coke," I said to our new Irish barmaid.

"Is Pepsi OK?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied.

Now I'm drinking a Pepsi and Coke!!

:up:

borrowing it

Jimbuna

02-18-15, 07:33 AM

:up:

borrowing it

Then don't forget to add the expletive on the bottom line between the 'a' and 'Pepsi' :03:

Jimbuna

02-18-15, 10:19 AM

I've just been doing the maths.

It's actually cheaper to start your own Octopus Farm than to buy retail printer ink.

BossMark

02-18-15, 02:26 PM

A man says to the priest, "Forgive me father,for I have sinned."

The priest says,"Well,what is it that you've done,my son?"

"I've killed two men." Says the man.

"Well," says the priest, "That is quite serious my son.You can't expect me to keep something this serious to myself."

The man pauses for a while and says, "Err,OK father..Make that three men."

Jimbuna

02-18-15, 08:23 PM

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

BossMark

02-19-15, 12:41 AM

I ordered one of those new invisible hearing aids off the internet last week.

The parcel turned up today and there was nothing in it.

Tango589

02-19-15, 12:23 PM

The difference between an onion and a bagpipe: nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Jimbuna

02-19-15, 01:23 PM

Is their face falling on one side? Has their speech become slurred?

Then you're probably in a pub in Glasgow.

Jimbuna

02-20-15, 05:47 AM

Two Thai girls were telling me how they were awoken in the morning by rubbish collectors.

I said, "Bin men?"

They said, "Yes, we have."

Schroeder

02-20-15, 06:17 AM

Two Thai girls were telling me how they were awoken in the morning by rubbish collectors.

I said, "Bin men?"

They said, "Yes, we have."
That is....disturbing....:dead:

BossMark

02-20-15, 06:33 AM

The year is 2025 ,the first manned mission to Mars has just touched down ,as the astronaut opens the door and puts his foot down on to Martian soil for the first time he gets a text message........
There are local girls on-line in your area looking for you "

Jimbuna

02-20-15, 06:52 AM

A friend asked what I would regret most if I were to die in my sleep?
Probably going to bed.

BossMark

02-20-15, 09:25 AM

I'm having trouble finding a route to my rich aunt's funeral,

Oh well, where there's a will... there's a way

Jimbuna

02-20-15, 10:02 AM

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...

BossMark

02-20-15, 11:50 AM

I know what would happen if I went on that one way mission to Mars ,twenty minutes in to space and I would be thinking did I turn that gas ring off?

Jimbuna

02-21-15, 07:27 AM

While ordering a packet of biscuits from Waitrose online recently, I noticed that I needed to spend £75 to get free delivery.

So I ordered a second pack.

BossMark

02-21-15, 07:42 AM

Three east London schoolgirls have flown to Turkey and there are fears they may cross the Syrian border and join the Islamic State terrorists.

The original request was for 72, but that's east London for you.

Jimbuna

02-21-15, 07:57 AM

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

Jimbuna

02-21-15, 10:31 AM

I said to the wife, "You haven't said a word all night, is there something wrong?"

"What do you care?" she spat.

"Well, if something is bothering you that much to shut you up, I want to know for future reference."

BossMark

02-21-15, 11:27 AM

Judas: Still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper.

Jesus: The what?

Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas.

BossMark

02-22-15, 05:53 AM

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

Jimbuna

02-22-15, 07:21 AM

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38.

It just looks 25.

Tango589

02-22-15, 09:01 AM

I've just passed my random drug test at work.

My dealer has got some explaining to do.

Jimbuna

02-22-15, 09:21 AM

Chinese new year.

The year of the sheep.

Great excitement in wales.

BossMark

02-22-15, 09:40 AM

Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

BossMark

02-23-15, 04:37 AM

Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.

That's how I remember who I went to Journalism School with.

Jimbuna

02-23-15, 06:26 AM

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

BossMark

02-23-15, 07:41 AM

I saw a woman driving a fire engine.
All I could think was 'surely that's more dangerous than any fire she's racing off to.'

Jimbuna

02-23-15, 09:57 AM

We catch each other's gaze from the other side of the bar.
I buy her a drink.
She looks grateful and winks at me.
I time it perfectly to ask her if she wants to retire to a hotel.
She says yes.

After a night of unbelievable passion I wake up the next day and think,

"I should go to a family reunion every week!!"

BossMark

02-23-15, 11:38 AM

My Internet Provider doesn't allow me to download songs for free so I rang them to complain.
Problem solved, I recorded the 16 songs they played whilst put on hold.

Jimbuna

02-23-15, 01:50 PM

My girlfriend left me because of my bad stutter and obsession with trains.

I said, "woudn choo choo please stay?"

BossMark

02-24-15, 02:51 AM

My wife found out I'd been sleeping with another woman.

"It was only one night!" I assured her.

"Fine," she gasped, "I'll let it slide. Which day?"

"Every Friday for six months."

Jimbuna

02-24-15, 07:35 AM

I've just detected some bad vibes coming from the airing cupboard

Think I've got irritable towel syndrome.

BossMark

02-24-15, 11:32 AM

Just been to a welsh flim fest. My faves were:

The Wizard of Oswestry
Trefforest Gump
Independence Dai
Haverfordwest Was Won
Cool Hand Look-you
Dial M For Merthyr
The Bridge on the River Wye
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
A Fishguard Called Rhondda

Jimbuna

02-25-15, 06:34 AM

Liverpool is a tough city.
When my wife was out shopping she had her bag stolen.
I can't understand why someone would steal a colostomy bag.

BossMark

02-25-15, 07:04 AM

There is now a proven link between smoking and depression.

At nearly ten quid a packet it's hardly bloody surprising, is it?

Jimbuna

02-25-15, 09:10 AM

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

BossMark

02-26-15, 12:38 AM

Optimist- The glass is half full.

Pessimist- The glass is half empty.

Feminist- The glass is being raped.

Jimbuna

02-26-15, 07:12 AM

The highlight of this year's Brits was a tribute to Allo Allo, featuring the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.

Sailor Steve

02-26-15, 10:18 AM

Optimist- The glass is half full.

Pessimist- The glass is half empty.

Feminist- The glass is being raped.
:rotfl2:

'Ats a good un. Reminds me of a favorite old saying by Robert A. Heinlein:

The optimist believes we live in the best of all possible words.

The pessimist is afraid he might be right.

BossMark

02-27-15, 12:40 AM

Madonna, have you had an accident at work that wasn't your fault?

Von Tonner

02-27-15, 04:21 AM

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is
700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are
120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician
is
0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:
Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
is
80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups,
is
1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner
is
.0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a
doctor as by a gun owner!!!

Please alert your friends
to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large,
We withheld the statistics on
Lawyers

for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

Harvs

02-27-15, 08:54 AM

A bra, a car battery and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar
they order a beer and the barman refuses to serve them
"why not?" asks the bra
"because your off your tits and your mates look like the are about to start something" the barman replies

Jimbuna

02-27-15, 09:38 AM

A 104 year old man was being interviewed on a local television station about reaching such a milestone age.

The reporter asked the old man, "What's the best thing about being 104?"

To which he replied, "No peer pressure!"

BossMark

02-27-15, 02:16 PM

My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest.

Silly sod wrote a poem.

Harvs

02-27-15, 07:02 PM

A termite walks into a bar and asks " is the bar tender here? "

BossMark

02-28-15, 06:11 AM

I hate when people ask what I hope to be doing in 5 years time

I mean come on, I don't have 2020 vision

Harvs

02-28-15, 06:49 AM

I know 9 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

Harvs

02-28-15, 06:53 AM

''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu.''

Harvs

02-28-15, 07:35 AM

I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline".
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

BossMark

02-28-15, 07:58 AM

The day my son was born was the happiest day of my life.

I loved seeing my wife in so much agony and pain.

Harvs

02-28-15, 08:04 AM

2 women were sitting at a table quietly.

BossMark

02-28-15, 09:14 AM

Anyone who says , " I'd love to be a fly on the wall when so-and-so talks to so-and-so " , has obviously over-estimated the intellectual capacity of flies.

Jimbuna

02-28-15, 09:19 AM

Praxagora: I want all to have a share of everything and all property to be in common; there will no longer be either rich or poor; I shall begin by making land, money, everything that is private property, common to all.
Blepyrus: But who will till the soil?
Praxagora: The slaves.

BossMark

02-28-15, 12:25 PM

What's got no teeth and smells?

The gearbox in the wife's car...

magic452

03-01-15, 02:57 AM

Bill owned the local furniture store in a small town. He went to a furniture convention in
Chicago. When he got back he was telling his friend Tom about his trip to Chicago. Bill told
Tom about the pretty French lady he met in the hotel lobby. He told how he tried to talk to her but she only spoke French and Bill did not speak French. He pulled a pad and pencil
from his pocket and drew a picture of 2 people sitting at a table having dinner and showed it to the lady. She said "ah oui". And they went to dinner. After dinner he took her to a club. He pulled the pad and pencil out and drew a picture of 2 people dancing.
And she said "ah oui". They danced for hours. He took her back to the hotel and walked
her up to her room door. He kissed her cheek. She grabbed the pad and pencil and drew a picture of a bed. Bill said to Tom, "how she knew I was in the furniture business I will
never know".

Magic

Harvs

03-01-15, 04:45 AM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke#cite_note-4)

Jimbuna

03-01-15, 07:21 AM

I phoned the local council, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.

They told me steps had been put in place.

BossMark

03-01-15, 07:39 AM

There's been outrage amongst feminist groups on hearing that in some Muslim countries women can't drive.

Whilst completely overlooking the fact, that the same is also true in all Western countries.

Jimbuna

03-01-15, 08:12 AM

"Mark my words" generally means you're in trouble.

Particularly if you're Mark, the easily-distracted autocue operator.

Tango589

03-01-15, 01:02 PM

*for the benefit of non-uk folks, Boots is a brand of chemist.*

I went into my local chemist the other day and asked 'do you have any KY jelly?"

They said "no, have you tried Boots?"

I said "boots? I want to slide in not march in!"

BossMark

03-02-15, 06:07 AM

Scientists say that the most complex computer in the known universe, the human brain, uses only 20 Watts of power.

So I'm off to wire my head up to the mains socket and become a super-genius.

Can't believe no-one's thought of this before.

Jimbuna

03-02-15, 08:24 AM

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife."

You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

BossMark

03-02-15, 08:56 AM

As of today Justin Bieber can legally go to a bar and drink away the pain of knowing he'll spend the rest of his life being Justin Bieber.

Von Tonner

03-02-15, 11:23 AM

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominator!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

Jimbuna

03-02-15, 01:27 PM

I joined the Tourettes society yesterday.

It only took a minute to be sworn in!

Jimbuna

03-02-15, 03:13 PM

A stunning 25 year old girl offered to have sex with me this morning if I agreed to promote a cleaning product on this website.

Obviously I declined her offer immediately as I have very strong morals and will power as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner which now comes scented with Lemon, Lavender or vanilla....

Harvs

03-02-15, 07:12 PM

What did the cavemen name the one eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

BossMark

03-03-15, 04:55 AM

We over heard our neighbours arguing last night... "A real man respects a woman" she cried.
"Oh yeah" he shouted, "Well a real woman makes a respectable sandwich".
I just looked at my wife and nodded, which is what started our argument.

Jimbuna

03-03-15, 08:34 AM

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.

I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"

"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.

"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.

"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

BossMark

03-03-15, 09:02 AM

Three things to do before I die:
1) Swim with Piranhas

Jimbuna

03-03-15, 09:45 AM

The wife puts on a new frock.
"How do I look?" she asks.
"Like a winner!" I reply.
She goes away pleased.
And I thank God for Eurovision

Harvs

03-03-15, 08:58 PM

The Australian Cricket team

magic452

03-04-15, 01:20 AM

After getting all of the Pope's luggage into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so
we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth." says the Pope," they never let me drive at the Vatican, and
I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm really sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!" And what if something
should happen? " protests the driver, wishing he'd never come to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The
driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff
floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps
the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop
takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed........"All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked........"Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," says the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Magic

BossMark

03-04-15, 03:33 AM

I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.

Jimbuna

03-04-15, 08:02 AM

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."

"I do?" questions the confused youngster.

"Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,

"You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Harvs

03-05-15, 03:24 AM

BREAKING NEWS!!!... A single engine Cessna 170 has crashed today in a cemetery in Dublin Ireland, so far authorities have recovered over 500 bodies in what has been described as Irelands worst air disaster.

Jimbuna

03-05-15, 09:40 AM

My son is learning to drive, and has been going on about me buying him a new car.

"I'll need an L-plate too", he said.

What a relief, 1993 cars are quite cheap.

Harvs

03-06-15, 06:25 AM

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Jimbuna

03-06-15, 07:15 AM

One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say. It ruined our bath.

BossMark

03-06-15, 02:20 PM

My wife just said that she's fed up with tidying up after me.

God knows what she's talking about.

I don't even tidy up.

BossMark

03-06-15, 03:02 PM

It was Paddy's first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and he began chatting to the woman next to him.
"I'm here as a condition of my parole because I murdered my husband," she said.
"Oh,so you're single then," replied Paddy.

donna52522

03-06-15, 08:10 PM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" She finally asked. The police woman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman. "Here it is." She said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

BossMark

03-07-15, 12:34 AM

I received a Valentine's Day card today.
At first I was confused and then I saw the Royal Mail First Class stamp on it.

Jimbuna

03-07-15, 10:16 AM

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking, "Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

BossMark

03-07-15, 02:14 PM

Blonde twins:

How do they tell each other apart?

BossMark

03-08-15, 06:28 AM

When no-one was looking, I got my mother-in-law's mobile phone, changed the ringtone to "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC and put it back in her pocket. I had a right laugh when I called her out of blue

...as her funeral was taking place.

Jimbuna

03-08-15, 08:28 AM

Police have been summoned to Westminster, as a man has been spotted pacing around on the roof of the Houses of Parliament.

Go on Dave, jump; it's for the best.

BossMark

03-08-15, 09:02 AM

After my wife was brutally raped in the park, the police said they needed an artist's impression.

So I put on a beret and got pissed on red wine in front of an easel.

Jimbuna

03-08-15, 09:20 AM

Statistically, you are more likely to be bitten by Luis Suarez than by a shark.

BossMark

03-08-15, 09:35 AM

We found our son's hamster dead it's cage today.

"I don't want him to get upset," said my wife, "Why don't we just replace it with a puppy?"

"Because he'll notice the difference." I replied.

Jimbuna

03-08-15, 09:55 AM

I've been chatting up this gorgeous blonde girl on the internet. She said she wanted to meet up with me and arranged to come to my house.
Anyway, when it came down to it she must've got cold feet. She texted me to meet at a pub in town instead, but never showed. I sat there for hours waiting.
Then, to cap it all, when I got home, I'd been burgled.

Jimbuna

03-09-15, 11:24 AM

I was surprised to see my wife walk through the door after her visit to Crufts
Apparently a big red dog got into her bag and took the packed lunch I'd made for her.

Jimbuna

03-10-15, 06:10 AM

I went to a chess-themed costume party last night and saw many girls.

I had to think hard before making a move.

Sailor Steve

03-10-15, 11:14 AM

A blonde woman...
Why do brunettes make up the best blonde jokes?

Because they have nothing better to do when they're sitting home alone on Saturday night. :O:

Jimbuna

03-10-15, 03:32 PM

Man goes into Doctors. "I think I've got this bird flu thing that's been going round."
The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"
The man replies, "Well I've starting wearing make up, talking bollocks and I can't park the car."

Jimbuna

03-11-15, 08:00 AM

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

BossMark

03-12-15, 04:42 AM

The gold edition of the Apple Watch is priced at £10,000.
If I wanted to spend $10,000 on something that'll be obsolete in 3 years, I'd buy an engagement ring.

Jimbuna

03-12-15, 07:18 AM

BossMark

03-13-15, 06:08 AM

On my way home from the off licence earlier, I dropped my bag in a puddle.

It really dampened my spirits.

Jimbuna

03-13-15, 07:32 AM

A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncle

For the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things; chickens, cows, crops, etc. however, it's obvious the nephew is getting bored so the uncle suggests he goes on a hunt.

'Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This cheers up the nephew and off he goes with the dogs in trail.
after a few hours, the nephew returns

"Did you enjoy it?" asks the uncle

"It was great! got any more dogs?"

BossMark

03-14-15, 05:31 AM

Did you hear about the drummer who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?

Jimbuna

03-14-15, 08:39 AM

My girlfriend accused me of being immature and wanted me to take charge.

"Alright then," I said, "Follow me back to my place and sleep with me!"

"Ooh, very commanding."

"Yeah, I get scared at night on my own."

Nippelspanner

03-14-15, 10:50 PM

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

BossMark

03-15-15, 05:00 AM

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Jimbuna

03-15-15, 07:55 AM

There was once a little red man. He woke up one little red morning, put on his little red glasses and read the little red newspaper. He got out of his little red bed and got in the little red shower. He splashed around in the little red shower when he heard a knock at the door. So he put on a little red towel and ran down the little red stairs to open the little red door and saw a little red newspaper. He bent down to pick it up. His little red towel blew away. A woman from across the street saw him and ran across the road to retrieve his towel. She was crushed by an oncoming car.

Moral of the story: Don't cross the road when the little red man is flashing.

GoldenRivet

03-15-15, 08:18 AM

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

Reminds me of :

sitting at the gate in Berlin, the German airline Captain calls up clearance delivery and requests his clearance in German.

Being that the standard language adopted by the international civil aviation organization is English, the controller responded that the captain would have to make his request using standardized English phraseology

annoyed the Captain said "Im a German pilot in a German airplane at a German airport in the heart of Germany, why must i speak English?"

without hesitation the British Airways Captain a few gates down keyed onto the radio...

"Because we won the bloody war, mate."

Jimbuna

03-15-15, 08:52 AM

Reminds me of :

sitting at the gate in Berlin, the German airline Captain calls up clearance delivery and requests his clearance in German.

Being that the standard language adopted by the international civil aviation organization is English, the controller responded that the captain would have to make his request using standardized English phraseology

annoyed the Captain said "Im a German pilot in a German airplane at a German airport in the heart of Germany, why must i speak English?"

without hesitation the British Airways Captain a few gates down keyed onto the radio...

"Because we won the bloody war, mate."

Which in turn reminds me of this golden oldie: :)

The elderly English gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The Englishman said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You English alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

BossMark

03-16-15, 04:31 AM

I failed History at school, but one day I'll go back and conquer it.

Like Henry VIII did against Hitler.

Jimbuna

03-16-15, 10:14 AM

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why're you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied, "only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?" I asked.

"Who cares, that's his problem."

Jimbuna

03-16-15, 02:34 PM

So there I was on the golf course, when I bellowed out, "FORD"

The two guys ahead turned round and shouted back, "The term is FORE, you ignorant bugga."

Then the plane hit them.

Nippelspanner

03-16-15, 03:29 PM

Took me a moment :)

Jimbuna

03-16-15, 04:02 PM

Took me a moment :)

I'm often like that these days....thank heaven for Google :03:

BossMark

03-17-15, 04:54 AM

There are two different processes for our perception of sight: Colour and Shape.
Apparently men, have a faster sensory capability for shape than women and conversely women with colour over men. Amazing.
Along with muscle grouping and proteins this helps man to have an edge over women in sporting abilities, impressive reflexes and split second decisions, by contrast colour helps women decide who's socks are who's when they come out of the wash.

Jimbuna

03-17-15, 06:25 AM

Soldier 1 :- What made you go into the army?
Soldier 2 :- I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?
Soldier 1 :- Well, I had a wife and loved peace.

BossMark

03-18-15, 03:53 AM

Elton John is calling on everyone to boycott Dolce and Gabbana products.

Elton, we've been boycotting them for years as we can't afford them.

Why don't you get us to boycott say, Lidl?

BossMark

03-18-15, 06:45 AM

I bumped into an old mate today. Laughing he said, "You look smart, are you up at court?"

I said, "No, I'm going to a funeral."

He said, "Oh, I'm sorry mate. Who's died?"

I said, "My freedom and my sex life, I'm getting married."

Jimbuna

03-18-15, 08:23 AM

"Get yourself dressed, love," I said to my wife. "It's two courses for a tenner today."

"Great, I'm starving!" she replied.

"What are you on about?" I asked. "I need you to carry my golf clubs."

BossMark

03-19-15, 03:54 AM

This weather reminds me of my wife..

Always trying its hardest not to be nice..

BossMark

03-19-15, 06:58 AM

"What do you think you could add to the role, if we gave you the position?" asked the interviewer.

"Butter, lettuce, bacon and tomato," I said.

I've nailed this job at Greggs.

Jimbuna

03-19-15, 08:18 AM

Bruce Forsyth walks into a sweet shop.

"Can I help you?" asks the assistant.

"Yes" Brucie replies, "Give us a twirl."

BossMark

03-19-15, 08:35 AM

London will only see 13% of the sun during the solar eclipse.

Or 'Summer' as the people of Skegness call it.

Jimbuna

03-19-15, 08:37 AM

Google+ is like a gym membership.

Everyone signs up for it but never uses it.

BossMark

03-20-15, 04:07 AM

A cash machine has just charged me two pound for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

BossMark

03-20-15, 04:10 AM

I saw Paddy looking directly at the total solar eclipse.

"Didn't you read any of the warnings?" I said, "You could go blind looking at the sun like that!"

"I'm not that stupid," he replied. "I'm looking at the moon."

Jimbuna

03-20-15, 08:07 AM

Why do women outlive men?

They don't have wives.

BossMark

03-20-15, 10:54 AM

If Simon has 150 vintage comics, and buys 10 more each costing £58 from his savings of £46,000, what is he left with?

His virginity.

Jimbuna

03-20-15, 11:15 AM

Tom: There is this new spam-blocking software you should try out.
Dick: Yeah, I got 35 emails today advertising it.

BossMark

03-20-15, 11:30 AM

"Mick, I've been sacked from my job."

"How come,. Paddy?"

"I left the door open."

"That seems harsh, where is it you work?"

"On a submarine."

BossMark

03-21-15, 04:41 AM

A youth jailed for 21 years after plotting to behead a soldier, went from being a Jehovah's Witness to a Jihadist.

At least the sound of the cell door slamming will bring back memories for him.

BossMark

03-21-15, 06:01 AM

Just as we were heading to bed my girlfriend asked "Did you put the wheelie bin out?"

"Ah, no, I'll do it in the morning" I replied.

"What about the cat?" she said.

"Well, I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it" I answered.

Jimbuna

03-21-15, 08:15 AM

The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

BossMark

03-22-15, 03:39 AM

Got an email from an airline inviting me to "Discover America".

I've replied with a link to the Wikipedia page about Christopher Columbus.

BossMark

03-22-15, 04:10 AM

Not sure why my wife is only mad at me,

our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Jimbuna

03-22-15, 12:12 PM

I use to buy lottery tickets every week, until I found out I could watch it for free on TV.

BossMark

03-23-15, 07:29 AM

You see a lot of people posting pictures of meals they have prepared on Facebook nowadays, which are often getting lots of "likes". But when I was repeatedly taking Polaroid photos of my meals and then spending 3 hours a night driving round my family and friends to show them, before Facebook was invented, I was considered "insane" and was locked in a mental institution for 10 years.

Jimbuna

03-23-15, 01:16 PM

Went to a shop and asked the assistant if he had a green Union Jack.
"Sorry mate," the guy said, "we've only got red, white and blue ones."
"Okay," I said, "I'll have a blue one".

BossMark

03-24-15, 03:27 AM

"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than:

"I quit halfway through a marathon"

Jimbuna

03-24-15, 08:17 AM

The headmaster said to me, "Kids have no respect for adults nowadays, use your skills and teach them a lesson."

Apparently karate Chopping my pupils wasn't what he meant.

BossMark

03-24-15, 08:28 AM

The NRA says that guns don't kill people, people kill people.

My uncle would disagree - he was killed by a shark.

BossMark

03-24-15, 10:13 AM

I took my wife swimming with the dolphins on her 40th.

Although,pushing her overboard on the cruise ship when no one else was watching probably doesn't count.

Jimbuna

03-24-15, 11:37 AM

Calories are tiny little creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.

BossMark

03-24-15, 11:45 AM

My girlfriends got a ladder in her tights.

She truly is the most talented shoplifter ever.

Jimbuna

03-24-15, 12:00 PM

I was walking home last night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... In morse code.

Jimbuna

03-24-15, 04:48 PM

Last week I attended an AA meeting and, to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

BossMark

03-25-15, 03:14 AM

The next generation of British aircraft carriers will be called the Queen Elizabeth and the Prince of Wales.

Which is quite fitting really as the second one is basically going to sit around doing nothing unless something happens to the first one.

BossMark

03-25-15, 05:31 AM

My girlfriend asked me to take her to watch a Grand Prix but I couldn't afford the tickets.

So we bought a crate of beer and stood next to the motorway for two hours instead.

Jimbuna

03-25-15, 07:16 AM

After sinking yet another whiskey, it finally sunk in for Batman his marriage was over after his divorce came through.

"Look on the bright side" Robin said, putting an arm round his crime fighting pal.

"At least you won't need to get a fathers for justice outfit."

BossMark

03-25-15, 01:02 PM

Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.

BossMark

03-26-15, 03:34 AM

The Sun's headline 29th of December 2011: "Zayn Malik vows to ditch the fags."

I've got to give it to The Sun, they predicted it years before anyone else.

mironch844

03-26-15, 05:40 AM

i seen my husbands naked.

Jimbuna

03-26-15, 07:48 AM

i seen my husbands naked.

:hmmm:

Jimbuna

03-26-15, 07:49 AM

Shocked at hearing the news of Jeremy Clarkson's sacking Richard Hammond fell off his wheel.

BossMark

03-27-15, 03:37 AM

After being depressed and leaving One Direction, does anyone know what Zayn Malick now weighs?

Fruit and Veg in Tesco's.

BossMark

03-27-15, 05:51 AM

FACT: Playing One Direction songs backwards will reveal voices telling you to kill yourself. *Note that this also works when played forwards.

Jimbuna

03-27-15, 07:08 AM

Let's take a moment to remember all those less fortunate than ourselves who are currently messing around on Facebook.

BossMark

03-27-15, 07:45 AM

"I can see you in the middle of a huge storm, a log cabin and fir trees are standing behind you," said the old gypsy woman, staring into her crystal ball.

"I think that's actually a snow globe you've picked up there," I told her.

Jimbuna

03-27-15, 08:15 AM

I'm not saying its rough where I live but the shops have 'steal one get one free' offers for the shoplifters.

BossMark

03-27-15, 12:44 PM

My granddad hated arguments and always tried to keep out of them.

Lovely man, terrible lawyer.

BossMark

03-28-15, 03:26 AM

Going to these new gastro pubs is a bit like visiting your nan that's got dementia. Chips served in a flower pot and burger on a bathroom tile.

Jimbuna

03-28-15, 08:08 AM

Sean Connery's agent calls him up. "Sean Baby, I'm so sorry to call you when your on holiday but I've got a crackerjack offer for you, you can't miss this. I've set up an audition for you at the studio in LA, just be there for tennish."
"Tennish?" says Sean. "But I don't have a racquet."

BossMark

03-28-15, 08:11 AM

They say the one thing you can't buy is taste.

Especially at McDonald's.

Jimbuna

03-28-15, 08:41 AM

My wife is beginning to become highly suspicious of my new 'secretary'.

I suppose I should've thought of a better excuse.

Being unemployed.

BossMark

03-28-15, 11:55 AM

My wife is amazing at doing impressions, If you put your hands around her throat she does a great Daffy Duck.

BossMark

03-29-15, 04:36 AM

My Granddad was highly decorated in World War Two.

In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

Jimbuna

03-29-15, 09:52 AM

I love that my son is still happy to be playing at Superheroes and not a teenage thug.

I said to him, "Have you got everything you need for a good night?"

"Yeah Dad, bat phone and tights."

Bless him, I think he's going to be Robin tonight.

BossMark

03-30-15, 02:28 AM

My wife left me because I was suffering from depression.

Which cheered me right up.

Jimbuna

03-30-15, 04:22 AM

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger, but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

BossMark

03-30-15, 05:58 AM

"My mother is still in shock," my wife complained. "The doctors say it could've killed her."
"I only did what you asked," I said, defending myself. "You said, 'Take her a cup of tea and two slices of toast with nothing on.'

Jimbuna

03-30-15, 06:02 AM

When life throws you lemons,just hope and pray they're not called Keith.

Jimbuna

03-30-15, 07:36 AM

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."