The joke thread

[BossMark]

How embarrassing. Just as my bride-to-be began her walk down the aisle, my mobile rang.

It was the vicar demanding to know where the hell I was.

[Jimbuna]

We asked 100 people if they could mime watching a game of tennis.

They all said no.

[BossMark]

A tramp stopped me in the street and asked if I could spare a tenner for a coffee in Costa.

"A tenner?" I said. "For a coffee? You've got no chance! Here's twenty."

[GoldenRivet]

A man and his giraffe walk into the bar and proceed to get incredibly drunk, after several more shots the giraffe passes out onto the floor, the man looks down at the giraffe and decides enough is enough, pays his tab and stumbles past the giraffe and toward the door.

the bar tender says

"Hey pal! you can't leave that lyin' in here!"

the drunk says

"Its not a lion... its a giraffe!"


------------


A preacher walks into an Irish Pub and gathers everyones attention "any of ya who wants to go to heaven please stand up!" he shouts

nobody stands up

"Whats the matter with ya? dont any of ya want to go to heaven when ya die?!"

O'malley speaks up for the group

"oh... when we die... we thot ya meant right now"


-----------------


Two drunks get thrown out of a bar and are stumbling down the street. They come upon a stray dog, sitting on the sidewalk licking his balls.

The drunks stop and look and one says to the other

"Ya now... i wish i could do that"

the other drunk replies

"well... i suppose you should pet him first"

[GoldenRivet]

Jim is at the supermarket and he is pushing his cart up and down the aisles looking for his wife from whom he has become separated while shopping. As he rounds a corner he collides with another man's shopping cart

"Sorry about that" says Jim "I've become separated from my wife and im going aisle to aisle trying to find her."

"Thats ok" says the man "I've lost my wife too and im trying to find her so we are in the same boat, its no problem"

"Hey, i've got an idea" says Jim "We could team up and try to find our wives, the search will be a lot more efficient that way, what does your wife look like?"

the man says "Well, she is 5'3" with long curly blonde hair, she has big blue eyes, she has perky DD breasts, and a firm little rear end, she's wearing a tube top and a mini-skirt... what about your wife?"

Jim says

"She'll turn up, lets look for yours"

[Jimbuna]

^ LOL :D

Not long back from a Tescos Superstore shopping with the wife actually but she looked nowt like that :hmmm:

[BossMark]

I went for a job interview yesterday.

The interviewer said, "According to your CV, you like to point out stupid mistakes of others."

"Yes, that's correct," I replied.

"Why would you write something like that on your CV?" He asked.

"I typed that," I answered.

[Jimbuna]

In the eighteen years we have been married my wife has had a boob job, a nose job,dyed her hair and finally a facelift.

Yet whenever we argue, her favourite line is always, " You're not the man I married."

[BossMark]

Daily Telegraph: "DIY chain B&Q to close 60 stores"

When asked to comment, a B&Q spokesman said "Er, I dunno mate...I just work here...I don't know how anything works. Sorry".

[Jimbuna]

As an outpatient I've met this gorgeous fit young radiographer at the hospital. Now we've started dating.

Wonder what she sees in me?

[BossMark]

A couple from S****horpe have won the euromillions twice and plan to move to London.

Good luck to them. They should have enough now for a deposit on a house.

[BossMark]

"Pick up the iron and get to work," I said to the woman.

"Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I'll be oppressed by men all the time," she ranted, "I've the ability and the education to work like you. And you sexist bastards think that we solely belong for these menial tasks?"

"Well then," I replied, "Here ends your career as a blacksmith."

[Jimbuna]

It's now official, beer is cheaper than fuel.

So this summer: "Drink, Don't Drive"

[BossMark]

Someone asked me if I had an iron today....

Silly them. I haven't even got a wife!

[Jimbuna]

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang.
He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

[BossMark]

I was in the bookies today trying to decide which horse to pick when I thought to myself, "This pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths."

[Jimbuna]

I never brag.

It's just one of my many, many outstanding features.

[BossMark]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

"First offender?" says the judge.

"Nope! First the Gibson then the Fender" replies the woman

[Jimbuna]

I was devastated to find out that the Easter Bunny isn't real.
Wait till I tell Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

[donna52522]

Some say I'm indecisive, but I'm not sure about that.

[BossMark]

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter" says The Archbishop of Cadbury.

[Jimbuna]

Speaking outside the court after her divorce from Prince Charming, Cinderella was asked what was the biggest lesson she learned from the marriage, "Never marry a man who's really into shoes", she replied.

[Jimbuna]

Damn, my traditional Easter rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour was at the door with some whiny story about his kids missing pet.

[Eichhörnchen]

Midget shortage

[BossMark]

We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.

My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.

[Jimbuna]

Signed up for an assertiveness course.
First week the teacher never turned up.
Second week the teacher never turned up.
Third week no teacher again so I went to the office to complain.
They said, "Congratulations you've passed.".

[BossMark]

My newly-wed wife said to me, "Why don't we say one thing that we don't like about each other, and then try to change that."

"OK," I replied.

She said, "Great, you start."

"Actually this is quite difficult," I said after thinking for a few seconds.

"Why, can't you think of anything?"

"No, with so many possibilities, it's hard to pick one."

[Jimbuna]

The fortune teller looked into her crystal ball and said, "You're going to turn into a woman with a massive forehead."

"That's your bleedin reflection, you idiot," I replied.

[BossMark]

What's the difference between my wife and Inland Revenue?

Inland Revenue wants to talk to me.

[Jimbuna]

The first day at the nudist colony is always the hardest.

[BossMark]

My son sent me a card in hospital saying, 'Get Hell Soon'.

He meant well.

[Jimbuna]

I have finally found what the best thing before sliced bread was.

MASSIVE SANDWICHES!

[BossMark]

My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life.

What I've actually done is spotted some tits.

[Jimbuna]

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar

It was tense.

[BossMark]

I'm not saying the women who go into my local are rough...


But there's a paper bag machine in the gents.

[BossMark]

Massive oil discovery near Gatwick.

In other news, Gatwick airport runs out of fuel.

[Jimbuna]

Scientists have discovered the first signs of intelligence in America.
It says, " Canadian Border 3 Miles."

[Jimbuna]

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.

"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".

[BossMark]

I was chatting with a girl on-line.

"Tell me something interesting about yourself," I typed.

"I'm Lebanese," came the reply..

I'm wasting my time, I thought: she's dyslexic and she prefers girls.

[Jimbuna]

How to tell what kind of bear is chasing you:


If you're running, and you're running, and you run up a tree, and the bear follows you, it's a black bear.

If you're running, and you're running, and you run up a tree, and the bear shakes you out of the tree, it's a brown bear.

If you're running, and you're running, and you can't find a tree, it's a polar bear.

[BossMark]

Report: Men who took advantage of cheap holidays to Benidorm in the 1970s are now dying of melanoma.

Unlike my Dad who took a beach holiday to Blackpool in the 1970s, and died of hypothermia

[BossMark]

My wife's doing everything for the dog since he got back from the vet.

I think he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

[Jimbuna]

Paddy walks into The Antiques Roadshow and puts a big box on the table.
"Where did you find this?" asked the expert.
"Oh, it's been in the attic for years," said Paddy.
"Have you got insurance?" asked the expert.
"Why do you ask?" said Paddy.
"Because you're going to need it - that's your cold water tank."

[BossMark]

So oil has been found in the South of England.
Gatwick is expected to be holding an independence referendum in September this year.

[donna52522]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day.

[donna52522]

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're called "players," but when I do it I'm called a "lesbian."

[fireftr18]

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're called "players," but when I do it I'm called a "lesbian."

:k_rofl: :Kaleun_Binocular::Kaleun_Salivating:

[BossMark]

The Police say they're going to investigate their own lack of response to the report of an alarm being triggered at the safety deposit box centre in Hatton Garden.

If they can be arsed.

[Jimbuna]

When the same man came into the branch of Oxfam I work in for the fifth week running, my curiosity got the better of me and I went onto the shop floor to speak to him.

"Excuse me sir", I said, "I couldn't help but notice that you appear to be a tramp, yet every Friday and Saturday you come to this shop and spend £5 on a pair of smart black shoes. I have to confess that it's got me completely baffled and I just wanted to ask you why?"

"Well there's a perfectly simple explanation", he answered, "You see, on the weekends I sit in a doorway by a nightclub that has a very strict dress code".

"That doesn't explain it", I replied, "I mean, you don't need smart shoes just to sit outside".

"I can see what you mean", he said with a chuckle, "But they're pretty useful if you want to get twenty quid off some idiot who's come out wearing trainers".

[ShadowSlayer1]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though." :03:

[Jimbuna]

A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,

"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically,

"Enter the dragon, " I replied.

[Jimbuna]

I was running my son's bath earlier when I shouted down to my girlfriend, "I think this water's too hot for him!"

She said, "Well, put an arm in and see."

"Yeah, I was right," I replied. "His skin's gone all red and he's crying."

[BossMark]

After his wedding yesterday , Andy Murray can now get back to what he is best at.

Being the bridesmaid to Djokovic.

[ShadowSlayer1]

Irish Cop, and London Lawyer


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop . He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!


Irish cop says,"License and registration, please . "


London Lawyer says, "What for?"


Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign . "


London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming . "


Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop . License and registration, please"


London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law . License and registration,please!"


London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket . If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket . "


Irish cop says, "Sounds fair . Exit your vehicle, sir . "


The London Lawyer exits his vehicle .


The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living DAY LIGHTS out of the lawyer and says, "Daeyewant me to stop, or just slow down? "

[ShadowSlayer1]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:



'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.



Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'


'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

[ShadowSlayer1]

Laughed MAO when I read this one.

Something Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Jimbuna]

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

[BossMark]

A terrorist hijacked a bus full of Japanese tourists and stole all of their jewellery, but the police say they could catch him fairly quickly as they have three thousand photos of him.

[BossMark]

There was an interesting article in the news today about suicide being the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK. I would have read it in full but my wife said I still had to do the hoovering, clean the dishes, tidy my clothes from the bedroom floor, mow the lawn, fix the broken fence panel, empty the bins, change the bathroom light bulb, pay the gas bill, walk the dog and collect the kids from football practice before going round her mother's house for dinner.

[Jimbuna]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

[Harvs]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

:Kaleun_Crying:

[BossMark]

America, Russia & the UK are planning a very special way of commemorating the 70th anniversary of the end of WW2 by starting WW3.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to come over and see the modelling portfolio she did when she was 12.
I was round there in a flash.
Her 1:72 scale Spitfire was my favourite.

[BossMark]

I know I shouldn't but I always want to compare the women I meet to my late wife.

Although they normally run out of the house screaming before I can get her out from under the floorboards.

[BossMark]

My wife told me that the doctor said she'd be dead within a year if she didn't give up the whiskey and what did I think.

Well, I gave it to her straight.

[Jimbuna]

Every 500m I climbed down Everest, I took a photo & sent it to my everyone in my address book.

I was arrested at the bottom for sending in descent images.

[Jimbuna]

Don't you just hate it when you spend weeks writing your dissertation, then just before you hand it in Wikipedia copies it.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend is a miserable git. Even after two weeks in the Bahamas!

Unbelievable! Worst welcome home ever!

[Jimbuna]

All this argument about spending £100 million on replacing trident.

Given that we are short of money, why hasn't anyone thought of painting the old missiles instead?

Whilst we're at it. Let's not bother with HS2

Simply run another 2,000 volts through the existing cables and the trains will go faster.

[BossMark]

My wife said she'd like another baby...

...I agreed, the one we have is bloody annoying!

[Jimbuna]

- What do we want?

- More Acronyms

- When do we want them?

- ASAP

[BossMark]

People are dying in rough seas to escape poverty and oppression in their own countries to get to Italy. An Italian immigration official commented,

"I never knew things were that bad in England. "

[Catfish]

"Mr. Habsburg, Austria and Hungary have a soccer match today!"
"Against whom?"

[BossMark]

My Nan's not well and I think my delay in responding could be the death of her.

She was having a stroke and I remembered that I needed to act FAST.

F = face. Her left side was drooping.
A = arms. She couldn't raise her left arm.
S = speech. Her speech was slurred.
T = I forgot this one, so I made some toast.

[Jimbuna]

Unemployed is my middle name.

My Dad is useless at filling in forms.

[BossMark]

BBC News - Replica French warship recreates historic voyage.
Unfortunately they couldn't decide whether to let the British sink it or just hand it over to the Germans

[BossMark]

Give a man a fish...

...and he'll probably give it to his wife for cooking, which would then lead him to face questions such as, 'Where did you get the fish?', 'Couldn't you get a bigger one?', 'Why didn't you get more?'.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Did you know that Paris has seven Fois Gras musea.

The people only wanted one but the other six where forced down their throats.

[BossMark]

Two sheep were standing in a field the first sheep said baa!
The second sheep said moo! The first sheep said moo?
What's that all about? The second sheep said I'm learning a foreign language.

[Buddahaid]

Did you know that Paris has seven Fois Gras musea.

The people only wanted one but the other six where forced down their throats.

I like this one. :yeah:

[Tango589]

I slept like a baby last night.

I woke up every 2 hours crying, then I crapped myself.

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked me, in an upbeat tone, "Truth or dare?"
I chuckled and played along, "Truth."
She went on, "So tell me, do I look fat in this dress?"

I backed up, "Woah, woah, woah! This is not fair: I said truth, not dare!"

[Jimbuna]

This little gypsy girl was looking at my new puppy,

"Aw, she's lovely, can I steal her? " She said.

"You mean I have a choice? " I replied.

[BossMark]

My mates always say that an older woman can teach you everything.

Bollocks, I just took a busty divorcee back to my place and she wasn't interested in talking about maths at all.

[BossMark]

I once went to a Scottish golf club. there was a sign that said all Scottish members must refrain from picking up lost golf balls until they have stopped rolling

[Jimbuna]

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Daddy, where's my bogey?"

[Jimbuna]

Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them going to the toilet.
Bob says, "I think she's nice."
Bob's mate: "well, nip over and give her the patter."
Bob: "the patter?"
Bob's mate: "aye, the patter."
Bob: "I don't know any patter, I've never found it easy to talk to
girls."
"For crying out loud," says Bob's Mate, "it's easy - all you have to say is, 'hello' and she will say, 'hello.' Then say, 'it's a nice day, isn't it?'"
Then she will say, "Yes it is"
Then you say, "but not half as nice as you!"
Then she will say, "Oh thank you."
Then the patter will just flow."
Bob's Mate says, "look there she coming back out of the toilet, go and give it a go."
So, nervously, off he goes, re-running the patter in his head.
He walks up and says, "Hello."
She says, "Hello."
He says, "It's a nice day, isn't it?"
She says, "Yes it is."
He says, "but not half as nice as you."
She says, "Oh thank you."
Few seconds of uneasy silence..............................

Then he says........................................

"Been for a crap, then?"

[BossMark]

BBC News - Plane Spotters freed from UAE prison
They are now able to return to the UK mental institution they escaped from

[Jimbuna]

Just heard some early news from the Olympics. It seems that, following a record-breaking practice session, the North Korean Pole Vault Champion has just become the South Korean Pole Vault Champion.

[Jimbuna]

A young year old boy returns home from school with a frown on his face. Upon seeing this, with a worried tone in his voice the boy's father asks him "was everything okay at school today?"

"No" replies the boy "there's a new girl in my class who describes herself as a 'feminist'. For some reason she won't talk to me, sit near me or even acknowledge my existence. Is there anything I can do to make her like me?"

A smile emerges on the father's face and with a chuckle he asks the boy "do you think there's any way you could turn yourself into a cat?"

Confused, the boy replies "well, no."

"There's your answer." Replies the father.

[BossMark]

I'm staying at a hotel that has a bed with no sheets or a duvet.

You really couldn't make it up.

[Jimbuna]

I was in a shop in Liverpool today.

All the items had a steal-by date.

[Sailor Steve]

What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

[BossMark]

My brother always beat me in every subject at school, except for English.

I was always the goodest at that.

[BossMark]

I've been telling my wife she's a terrible driver for years.

Now the police, the judge and the victims families all agree with me.

[Harvs]

2 cops are in their patrol car when they spot a blond cowboy wearing just his hat and nothing else walking down main street, they flash the lights and blip the siren and pull up next to him and ask "what in tarnation dya think your doin cowboy?"
He looks at them and says " well i was out drinkin with ma buddies and i met this reeel sweet filly and we eventually went back to her place and things were gettin mighty fine i can tell you"
"So what happend?" queried one officer
"Well we got into the bedroom and she got all nekid and jumped into bed then told me to slowly take ma shirt off,so i did, then she told me to slowly take ma boots off, so i did, then she told me to slowly take ma jeans off, so i did, then she told me to slowly take ma undies off, so i did, she threw back the covers, opened her legs and said leave the hat on and go to town cowboy, so i did.

[GoldenRivet]

Jack was driving his off-road vehicle through the African desert to try it out on some rough terrain. Eventually he crashed into a large boulder and the vehicle wouldn’t start.

There he stood in the desert looking in all directions, hopelessly lost. The crash damaged his GPS so he couldn’t retrace his trip back to town. And there was no cell service so he was unable to make a phone call. His parents had passed away many years ago and he had neglected to tell his friends where he was going so it became obvious to him that nobody would be looking for him.

With this in mind, he used his empty water bottle and filled it up with windshield washer fluid to drink – he knew that trace amounts of poison were put into the fluid to prevent people from drinking the fluid to get drunk so he figured he would only drink the fluid if he was about to die of thirst.
Jack headed out into the direction he thought was correct and he walked all day through the desert but recognized nothing familiar.

He came upon a hill and climbed it and looked in all directions and saw nothing but sand as far as the eye could see. He was very thirsty now and decided to continue going onward because he had walked too far to turn back.

Eventually he was crawling on his hands and knees through the sand and out of desperation of thirst he drank the windshield cleaner fluid. Jack continued on crawling for almost one more day before he collapsed from exhaustion on the top of a sand dune.

Jack looked down at the bottom of the sand dune and saw a big round flat stone with a pole sticking out the top at an angle so he crawled down to see what it was. He was very dehydrated, and the poison in the fluid made his eyes blurry.

As he arrived at the pole he heard a voice

“Hello there, you don’t look so good. Is everything alright?”

Jack looked around in every direction for a person but saw nobody
He looked dead ahead and there, coiled around the pole was a massive 15 foot long rattlesnake looking right at him. Jack froze in terror

“Was… that you talking?” he asked the snake

“Of course said the snake. I am a magical snake, my name is Nate… and I can grant you 3 wishes but there are conditions with each wish.”

“Conditions?” Said jack. “What conditions?”

“Well,” said Nate “ the first wish is absolutely free no strings attached as proof that it works.”

“The second wish” Nate continued “requires that you never tell anyone about me or where you found me, and the third wish requires you to come back here and perform a task should the need ever arise in your lifetime.”

“Ok, I wish I wasn’t thirsty!” said jack

“Your wish is granted” said nate

Suddenly jack felt better, he was no longer thirsty but he was still feeling the effects of the poison in his body

“Your second wish?” said nate “Remember, in order for it to be granted you must promise never to tell anyone about me or where you found me or else you will be stranded in the desert forever.”

“Ok…” thought Jack, “I think I can handle that! I wish I would always be healthy!”

Nate grinned “Your wish is granted Jack! While you can still die, you will always be healthy well into old age.”

Jack no longer felt the effects of the poison, and he felt very strong and healthy

Nate looked at jack with his snake tongue flicking in and out “Jack… you have one more wish remaining… and if you choose to use it you must agree that when the time comes you will come back here and perform a task.”

“Hmmm…” jack thought “What’s the task?”

“Exssssselent question” said Nate “You are in the garden of Eden… or it was the garden of Eden thousands of years ago. And this pole I am wrapped around is actually a massive lever. When the lever is pulled, all humanity and the world itself will be ended in an instant… when the time comes… you have to come here and pull it, ending all humanity and the world”

“Wow,” said jack “that’s an awful big responsibility!”

“Yes” said Nate “it sure is, but in my thousands of years of living here, many people have had the responsibility in their lifetimes yet none of them were ever called upon to pull the lever. So, the chances are you will never be called upon either, but if you are, you are bound by your promise to come here and pull the lever.”

“Does it have to be me who pulls it? With my hand I mean. Can I use a rope or push something else against it?” Jack asked

“As long as it is you who causes the lever to move, it doesn’t matter how it is moved” said Nate

“Well I certainly don’t want to be trapped here forever, so I agree” said jack “My final wish is that I knew how to get back to civilization”

Nate uncoiled his tail from around the lever and used it to point

“Town,” said Nate “is that way, about 15 miles, you can easily walk it in a day.”

With that jack was reminded by Nate of his promise and he headed out into the desert eventually finding town and returning home.

For years, Jack would return to the desert to visit Nate and the two became best friends. Jack would bring magazines and books so Nate would know what is happening in the world.

One day Jack returned to the big stone with the lever in the middle and found Nate sitting off to the side with a tiny snake

“Jack” said Nate “I’d like you to meet my son Willy”

Willy and Jack said their hellos

“Jack” said Nate “I have a request of you.”

“Oh no! is it time to pull the lever and end all humanity?!” Jack said

“No” said Nate “My son willy will be taking my place soon guarding the lever. I have spent my entire life here guarding it, and I don’t want him to suffer the same fate, so I would like you to take him out and show him the world for a couple of years and then return him here to take over guarding the lever.”

“Oh!” said Jack “That’s a wonderful idea, I’d be honored!”

“There’s more” said nate “Im ready to die, I have lived here thousands of years and can only die if someone kills me. I’d like for you to be the one to do it. And while I can die many ways I want to die with classic dignity… I’d like for you to purchase a fine sword and cut off my head so I can finally die in peace”

Jack understood and reluctantly agreed to do this favor for his friend.
With that Nate stayed behind to guard the lever

Jack and Willy headed out to civilization, when they arrived there; Jack purchased a brand new motor home so he and willy could travel in style. They saw many of the wonders the world had to offer, and willy was impressed with humanity and the world around him. Jack purchased a beautiful samurai sword and practiced with it for many months becoming very proficient in its use.

The time had come for willy to return home to relieve Nate, and Jack to perform the favor for his friend, and cut off Nate’s head so he could finally die in peace.

For days they drove the RV through the desert and it was rough going. They nearly lost control several times in the dunes

Finally jack came to the top of a massive sand dune, and once he crested the top, he spotted the massive flat stone with the lever sticking out, but he didn’t see Nate.

Suddenly, Jack lost control of the RV and it began to slide in the sand at ever increasing speed toward the lever! Jack and willy sat in the front seats looking on in horror as the lever drew nearer. They needed a plan or else the RV would hit the lever and end all humanity and the world. Jack steered left and right and nothing happened. He was terrified at causing the end of the world on accident!

He suddenly had a plan. When the tires leave the sand and roll onto the stone, they will regain traction and will have a few seconds to swerve the RV and miss the lever! It just might work

So while they careened down the dune at ever increasing speed they had only one chance to get their plan right. As the tires screeched onto the massive flat stone and gained traction. Jack jerked the wheel to the right
The RV began to swerve! It was working!

Suddenly, Jack saw Nate coiled up right in the new path of the RV… running over him was inevitable

Jack and willy looked at one another and jack said...






BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!!!

THE END

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2:

Long, drawn-out story with a silly cliché punch line...I haven't heard one of those in years!

Gotta love it! :rock:

[GoldenRivet]

Glad you liked it... believe it or not thats the cliffs notes version! :rotfl2:

[Herr-Berbunch]

THE END

Thank goodness. :/\\!!

[THE_MASK]

Apparently a new study of underwater sea corals has found that they get scared easily and die .
They don't like current events .

[Jimbuna]

I was in Tescos earlier when I noticed one of the staff hurling verbal abuse at random members of the public , he was pointing at people and saying various things like, "Well I can see that your a nounce", or "I bet you beat your wife" or "Hey you look like a shoplifter".
When I heard all this I was incensed, so I went up to him and said, "Who do you think you are abusing people like that"?, he was very apologetic and said that this was his first day on the job and he was still learning, "Whats your job"? I asked, he replied, "Im the new labeller".

[Sailor Steve]

Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?









Nobody.

[Tango589]

Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?









Nobody.

*goes away to look up who Polyphemus was. Comes back*


Hahahaha!

:har:


:88)

[BossMark]

My friend suffers rather badly from Parkinson's Disease. Whenever you ask him about it, he gives you a free pen just for inquiring.

[BossMark]

"Paddy have you ever been online?"

"I have that Mick."

"And how was it?"

"Bloody' train nearly ran me over."

[Jimbuna]

A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying: 'Man seeks woman to date.'

He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"

Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?"

[Sailor Steve]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Jimbuna]

What do you call an argument between an Argentinian and an Indian?

A bit of Argy Bhaji.

[BossMark]

"You know, it's twenty years to the day since I first came into this cafe," I said to the waitress.

"I'm serving as quick as I can, you cheeky sod!" she replied.

[BossMark]

Arriving home from work last night, I saw my son and daughter sat in silence, so asked what was wrong.

"Nothing's wrong, daddy" my daughter replied. "We're playing a game."

"What's the game?" I asked.

"Marriage" my son sighed.

[Jimbuna]

Stevie Wonder was having a meal with Tiger Woods when he challenged Tiger to a round of golf.
"You can't be serious," said Tiger, without sounding rude. "You're blind, how do you know where your ball is?"
"I play with a ball with a bell in it," said Stevie. "I bet you $10 million that I can beat you."
"Okay then," said Tiger, "but we'll do it for charity. When do you want to do it?"
"Any night next week," says Stevie.

[Jimbuna]

SHOPLIFTERS: Get your kicks on the net by putting items into your shopping basket on Amazon and then leaving without paying.

[Sailor Steve]

Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.

[Buddahaid]

Bruce Jenner.

[BossMark]

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

[Sailor Steve]

According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?

Fünf.

[Tango589]

Knock knock

Who's there

To

To who

No, to whom.


@Sailor Steve: See, I can do clever jokes too!:O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dat be a good 'un. :yep:

[Jimbuna]

I see a 14 year old Yorkshireman has been charged with armed robbery.

Not a good example to set his kids.

[Jimbuna]

Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said, "Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife."

Don't photographers have a dark sense of humour?

[BossMark]

There were 12 of us in our family and we were so poor we had to wear each others clothes.

I wouldn't mind, but i had 11 sisters.

[BossMark]

A Google executive has died on Everest due to the Nepal earthquake

A Google spokesman said that nothing could be done to save him despite him being found in 0.53 seconds.

[Jimbuna]

I watched this homeless tramp with a twig and a bit of string with a bent hook on the end pull fish after fish out of the canal and them throw them back.

"That's amazing!" I said. "Why don't you keep some for food?"

"Fish I can get anytime," he said. "It's the mattress I'm after."

[BossMark]

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, " Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."

[Jimbuna]

Tomorrow is just another Monday. Another 8 hours of sitting in front of a screen typing and reading pointless crap.

I can't wait til it's over, and I can get home and spend the evening on Facebook.

[Sailor Steve]

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

[BossMark]

I applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested 'prior experience', I jotted down 'Lifeguard'. Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

"I couldn't swim," I replied.

I got the job.

[BossMark]

This bloke knocked on my door this morning and asked if I wanted a window cleaner.
I said "Yes but I'd really like them all cleaner".

[Jimbuna]

Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd fall back into the boat.

[Harvs]

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from the internet, i will soon have the answer.

[Harvs]

Bruce Jenner.

Its Bruth

[BossMark]

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly Jewish man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "They're not gettin a divorce," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

[BossMark]

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

[Jimbuna]

I was stood at the bar last night, when this girl came up beside me.
Looking her up and down, I said, "If I could rearrange the alphabet..."
"Let me guess," she said, "you'd put U and I together?"
I said, "No fatty, I'd put U at the back of the Q."

[BossMark]

A British man has gone on trial accused of causing the death of a US soldier.

The American army is said to be furious that we have adopted a tactic that they consider their invention.

[Jimbuna]

The wife came downstairs in her running gear this morning and said "I'm away out for a run"

I replied "You look like her from the Olympics"

"Jessica Ennis?" she asked.

"No" I replied "The Samoan shot-putter"

[Sailor Steve]

There is no "i" in denial.

[BossMark]

Amanda Holden's sister has been talking from Nepal about her terrible ordeal....

.... of being Amanda Holden's sister.

[BossMark]

I got home pissed at 3am and found my wife had changed the locks.

As I stumbled away I noticed the bitch had also changed the street we live on.

[BossMark]

Two women were talking about their new milkman.

"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.

"And so quickly too!" said the other

[Jimbuna]

"What's an oxymoron?" Asked my wife.

"Happily married" I replied.

[Sailor Steve]

Who is this Rorschach guy...and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

[Tango589]

Text your line to your victim and await their reply.

You: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Victim: I don't know.

You: To get to the idiots house.

You: Knock knock...

Victim: Who's there?

You: The chicken.

:D

[BossMark]

I was reading that scientists have discovered that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a 'cousin' that was vegetarian.

It must have been a bloody nightmare to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

[Jimbuna]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bugga.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

[BossMark]

I was so pissed last night I fell asleep next to the kitchen sink.

I'm totally drained this morning.

[Jimbuna]

I don't think my goldfish wanted his tank cleaning yesterday.

He threw a right tantrum on the draining board while I was doing it and now he's just sulking on top of his water.

[BossMark]

The mechanic at my local garage died yesterday.

His service has been booked in for next week.

[Sailor Steve]

Girl walks into a bar. Says to the barman: "Gimme a double entendre."

So he gave it to her.

[BossMark]

We never played violent video games when I was growing up.
Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

[Jimbuna]

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

[Jimbuna]

My son just asked me what is GPS.

I said, "It tells me what to do while I'm driving."

He replied, "So it's Mummy?"

[BossMark]

Kate Middleton.

Living off the state, no job and 2 kids in quick succession.

She's going to find herself on The Jeremy Kyle show soon if she's not careful.

[Jimbuna]

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

[Jimbuna]

I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today. "It was only last week that I had it all," he said, "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head."

"What happened?" I replied, "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

"No, I was let out of prison."

[BossMark]

Victoria Beckham surprised David Beckham on his 40th birthday.

She sprang out from behind a candle on his birthday cake.

[BossMark]

Papers are reporting Prince Williams first words on seeing the new royal baby.

"HARRY, YOU BASTARD!"

[Herr-Berbunch]

One day, a blonde is out shopping and decides to stop in at a shoe store. After she's been there for awhile, she finds a pair of crocodile skin shoes that she loves. She asks the cashier how much they are, and when he answers, she decides that she can't afford them. So she leaves.
A few hours later, the cashier is driving home from work, when he sees the same woman on the side of the road, next to a huge body of water. He's a bit surprised, so he pulls over to see if she's okay. But before he has time to ask her, he notices she's got a huge gun in her hands, and is shooting into the water. Then he sees that she has a huge pile of dead crocodiles beside her.
She shoots into the water again, killing yet another crocodile, pulls it out and yells 'Damn! This one's not wearing shoes either!'

[Tango589]

What's the collective name for a group of crows?

A murder.

What's the collective name for a group of sheep?

A flock

What's the collective name for a group of politicians?

A shower of bastids.

[BossMark]

Feminists want women to be given equal opportunities to men

By men.

[Jimbuna]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me," says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

[Jimbuna]

I wasn't really looking forward to the slug pie the wife made me for dinner, but it was actually quite delicious. I just wish I'd had a bigger portion.


"You did have." Said the wife, "Until you put salt on"

[Sailor Steve]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

[BossMark]

Interesting name for the royal baby, Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.

Very poignant though because it is essentially Prince Charles and Diana with the Queen in the Middle breaking it up.

[Jimbuna]

Carrots may be good for a human's eyesight, but they are excellent for a snowman's sense of smell.

[BossMark]

Prince Harry has been shunted from 4th to 5th in line to the throne.
He shouldn't be too concerned. He's only a DNA test away from being shunted into oblivion.

[BossMark]

Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

[Sailor Steve]

There once was a man from Peru
whose limericks all end on line two.

[BossMark]

"The new Royal baby weighs 3.7kg"

"What's that in pounds?"

"About £3 million per year for the taxpayer"

[Jimbuna]

What do you consider to be your biggest weakness?

I sometimes have difficulty empathising with people.

Well, why did you apply for this particular job?

So hopefully I won't end up like you.

[Jimbuna]

God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!" He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "Oh dear! this'll have to wear make up!"

[BossMark]

*man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry*

*policeman informs family*

"There's no easy way to say this"...

[Jimbuna]

My works cafeteria has been turned into a polling station.

The choices are Conservative, Labour, UKIP and Green Peas.

[Sailor Steve]

There once was a man from Verdun...

[BossMark]

My wife gazed at the travel magazine. "I'd love a surfboard," she said. "Its something I've never tried."

"Here you go," I replied, reaching under the stairs. "This one's got legs on it, you can start with that pile of shirts."

[Jimbuna]

A Russian cargo spaceship went out of control trying to get to the ISS and is due to crash back to earth at 9am tomorrow morning with the likely crash site to be Liverpool.

It is expected to cause millions of pounds worth of improvements.

[Jimbuna]

After disappointing performances in the election, Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage have all stepped down as party leaders.

Next year's edition of I'm A Celebrity is going to be brilliant.

[Jimbuna]

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.

After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

[Sailor Steve]

I'm pretty sure I told that one here...years ago. :O:

[BossMark]

I wanted to go to college to be a farmer.
But, they didn't have a degree in that field.

[Jimbuna]

"Did I come out of mum's tummy?" asked my son.

"Yes, mate," I said. "I know it's hard to believe but, five years ago, that's where you were."

He looked at my missus slouched on the settee. "Dad? Are there still some people in there?"

[BossMark]

My wife watched me put on my helmet, then my knee pads, elbow pads, shoulder pads and gum shield:

"Do you have to do all this?" She sighed, "if you don't want lo have sex with me, just say."

[Jimbuna]

I had a horrible dream last night that I was being chased by Eddie Stobart.

It was a logistical nightmare.

[BossMark]

Monday morning.

My second and third least favourite 'M' word.

[Jimbuna]

According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:

1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

2. The beach was too sandy.

3. I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4. It rained on my birthday.

5. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8. We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9. None of the hotel staff were English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home.

10. I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

[BossMark]

I bet the bloke who threw the first boomerang didn't see that coming.

[Jimbuna]

Last night in bed, my wife was gasping, thrashing and calling out my name.
I squeezed a bit tighter and she finally stopped.

[BossMark]

"Hi, I don't believe we've met" this hot girl said to me at the party.

"Believe what you like, but we have" I replied.

God, why are women so argumentative?

[Jimbuna]

I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank God I only drink every night.

[BossMark]

As I walked up to the counter in Asda with a full trolley full of ice cream, the shop assistant said to me.

"Wow, Is that all for you? Where the hell do you put it all?"

"In the freezer, mate," I replied.

[Jimbuna]

My ex-girlfriend nicknamed me Microsoft.

It must have been because I work with computers.

[BossMark]

My son came home from school looking really sad today.

"I always get picked last for games," he moaned.

"That's probably because you're a fat lazy sod and can't run," I replied.

"But we were playing chess," he sighed.

[Jimbuna]

I'm willing to bet good money the inventor of the ejector seat was married.

[BossMark]

I said to my blonde wife, "If the orange light comes on you need to fill the car up."

By the 4th set of traffic lights she'd crammed 32 people in.

[Jimbuna]

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them," was the reply.

[BossMark]

I know a bloke with a speech impediment.


Every time he opens his mouth his wife interrupts.

[Jimbuna]

I went to the barbers today and he asked, "What can I do for you today sir?"

"Cut both short." I replied.

"Both what?" He asked.

I said, "The hair and the conversation."

[BossMark]

At a wedding, I turn to the lady next to me, and say, "I give it six months."

"That's very insensitive," she spat. "Why do you think that?"

I replied, "Because I'm her doctor."

[Jimbuna]

A contract for 1000,000 flak jackets has been cancelled by the North Korean leadership.

The one tested by the defence minister turned out to be totally useless, offering very little protection if any.

[BossMark]

There's nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and he realises it's lettuce.

[BossMark]

My wife asked me how come we've stopped having sex?...

...I said speak for yourself.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said she'd switch everything off before we went on holiday, as I couldn't be trusted to make a proper job of it.

Well just before we left I did a double-check. It's a good job I did, she'd forgotten to switch off the fridge and the aquarium.

[BossMark]

My boss went to have coffee at 11 am.

So I immediately pounced upon the opportunity and forwarded the time in his laptop by 6 hours.

When he returned, I said, "I'm leaving now. It's 5 PM already."

"Oh yes it is," He said, "See you tomorrow."

"It worked!" I thought to myself as I jolted towards home.

I then enjoyed my entire day and was sleeping peacefully at night, when my phone suddenly rang at 3:15 AM.

He said, "Hurry up Dave, you're 15 minutes late for work."

[Jimbuna]

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".

"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...."

[BossMark]

Kim Jong Un.

Close your eyes, you get shot for nodding off.

Open your eyes, you get shot for laughing at his haircut.

[BossMark]

Paris is the most popular tourist destination with nearly one-fifth of its population being tourists at any time of the year.

So 20% of Paris is occupied by foreigners. Just like the 1940s.

[Jimbuna]

Paddy gets a job as a carpenter on a building site, but on his first day he forgets to wear his hard hat.
As he walks under some scaffolding, a workman above drops a stanley knife and it slices Paddy's ear clean off.
As Paddy screams out in pain, the whole site workforce come running, looking for the lost ear.
After a few seconds a bloke finds an ear in a pile of rubble and shouts "Is this it!?"
Paddy looks up and shouts back "no, mine had a pencil behind it...!"

[BossMark]

My wife ran off with the milkman last year and I haven't seen either of them since.

Which is great because I owe him 8 quid.

[BossMark]

BB king passed away only days after bono had contacted him suggesting they sing a duet.

I'm hoping that he contacts Justin Bieber next time. Fingers crossed.

[Jimbuna]

My speed date asked me if I was into conspiracy theories.
"Yes!" I replied. "Love them."
"Great!" she responded. "I couldn't sleep with a man who didn't. Second question, who is your favourite Royal?"
"Prince Trevor," I said. "He's the one they don't talk about."

[BossMark]

I've spent most of the day doing weights.

I had to wait for my chips, my pint and then my taxi home.

[Jimbuna]

My doctor said LSD has had a serious effect on my mental health and altered my state of mind to the point where I'm walking around in a constant dream world. I decided to get a second opinion. He must be overreacting because the Lizard King from the 5th dimension of Nazkabar reckons I'm just suffering from stress.

[BossMark]

A recent study has shown that men who have sex with more than twenty women in their life have a reduced risk of developing prostate cancer.

Brilliant! Only twenty to go!

[Jimbuna]

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, I said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."

I said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."

"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?"

[BossMark]

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.


Give a dog a toffee and you'll piss yourself for half an hour.

[Jimbuna]

Bagpipes sound exactly the same when you have finished learning them as when you started.

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=2314695&postcount=6177

[Jimbuna]

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and £22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook....."

[BossMark]

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=2314695&postcount=6177
Ooops deleted it

[Jimbuna]

Ooops deleted it

Wasn't any need, wasn't even in the same thread :)

[BossMark]

Police have arrested 7 suspects in the Hatton Deposit Box raid.

They believe they are close to catching the ring leader, Snow White.

[Jimbuna]

I've just seen Irish Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, "watch out you don't trip up over your laces, Paddy."
Paddy says, "yeah, it's these bloody instructions."
I said, "what instructions, Paddy?"
Paddy says, "underneath the shoe, it says 'Taiwan'."

[BossMark]

Have you heard about the new shampoo especially designed for homeless people.

Its called go and wash

[Jimbuna]

Held a coconut shell up to my ear and I could hear the sound of a one legged horse standing very still.

[BossMark]

I washed my son's mouth out with soap and water today.

If anything, it made him swear even more.

[Jimbuna]

A blonde is playing Trivial Pursuit with some friends, and it comes to her turn to answer a question on Science and Nature.

Her question is "If you are in a vacuum and somebody shouts your name, can you hear them?"

The blonde thinks for a few minutes, and then asks "Is the vacuum switched on or off?"

[Jimbuna]

A judge was deafened by the sound of a gunshot.

Right now he's at the hospital. They say that he would be missing today's hearing.

[BossMark]

The chief executive of Thomas Cook has finally apologised over the deaths of two British children on holiday in Corfu in 2006.

He said, "I am deeply sorry that the publicity about this case has impacted on our profit margins."

[BossMark]

BBC News - Centuries-old stained glass cleaned at last

Wetherspoons must have finally bought a dish-washer!

[Jimbuna]

This Thomas Cook holiday's just champion.

First the plane, now the whole hotel to myself.

[BossMark]

A Jehovah witness asked me, "If you had to choose one religion, what would you be?"

"Deluded." I replied.

[Jimbuna]

My cat's just been commissioned to write his first autobiography.


It's part of a nine book deal.

[BossMark]

Lewis Hamilton will earn £27m next year.

Shame that's still not enough to get him a personality.

[BossMark]

Women's drink driving limits are set to be increased.

Officers say they will be able to spot the drunk drivers easily,
as they'll be going in a straight line.

[Jimbuna]

"My gran once told me my grandad had a heart of gold...

...And that's why I'm in the cemetery at three in the morning with a spade, Officer."

[Jimbuna]

"Do you remember when we met all those years ago?" I asked my wife at breakfast this morning.

"It may have been 20 years," she said, " but of course I do!"

"And our wedding day?"

"18 years ago but I remember every single minute."

"Then why couldn't you remember to buy the bottle of ketchup I asked for yesterday?"

[BossMark]

My wife came home from work and flopped into a chair, exhausted.
"Darling," I said. "When was the last time I ran you a bath with scented candles, gave you a massage and tucked you up in bed with a glass of cold champagne?"
"Never," she replied.
"Exactly," I said. "Get in the bloody kitchen and cook my dinner."

[BossMark]

Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Newcastle after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget.

[BossMark]

I'm really looking forward to the Eurovision Song Contest this year.

Not because of the singing, I just want to find out whereabouts in Europe Australia is.

[Jimbuna]

I hate grass snakes.

Little sods, snitching on all the other snakes.

[BossMark]

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

[BossMark]

Paddy and Murphy walked into a Bar..... Hand in hand

[Harvs]

Paddy and Murphy walked into a Bar..... Hand in hand

Ben Dover and Phill Mcrakin

[BossMark]

Bono is delighted with the yes vote for gay weddings in Ireland.

He can finally get married to himself.

[Jimbuna]

I've just become an IT technician in Cardiff and i've learned one thing...

Never tell a Welshman he needs more RAM

[BossMark]

I bought a Russian porno mag the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

[Jimbuna]

Threw a penny down a well today and made a wish.
I wish....the police don't look for Penny down this well.

[BossMark]

Vladimir Putin has today publicly congratulated Polina Gagarina for coming second in the Eurovision Song contest. He went on to privately insist that she attend KGB headquarters on her return to receive the "special appreciation of the Russian government".

[Catfish]

I'm really looking forward to the Eurovision Song Contest this year.

Not because of the singing, I just want to find out whereabouts in Europe Australia is.


:haha: Stole this from another thread:


https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11295940_1067871646574324_552384235315040151_n.png ?oh=013c13b719a7ecbeceaf146bcad50625&oe=55C0ACDD



Exactly, and since Israel also is at it since a long time .. it is missing, on this map :hmm2: