The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

In the early days of a relationship, a woman may employ many tactics to turn her man on.

Conversely, during the last days of a relationship, a woman may employ many tactics to turn on her man.

[Jimbuna]

When I first met my girlfriend she showed me a photo of her from when she weighed a whopping fourteen stone.
I couldn't believe how fat she looked.

Now, five years later, same picture, I can't get over how thin she was.

[TarJak]

What does a Geordie lass use for protection when having sex?

A bus shelter.

[BossMark]

I asked my blonde girlfriend if she had ever tried lesbianism.

"I've never been interested in politics," she replied.

[TarJak]

After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her remains to a Russian pig farmer.

[TarJak]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Jim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

[Jimbuna]

Midwife For Sale: Will deliver.

[BossMark]

My wife came home with book titled 'How To Be A Better Husband'

I said, "Hmm, they spelled 'wife' wrong."

[Jimbuna]

Today, the doctor asked my wife what her favourite fruit was.

'Grapes', she replied, 'I have a lot of them'.

She ignored the part about them being fermented and in a glass.

[Jimbuna]

Until I logged onto Facebook this morning I didn't realise so many of my friends were aviation accident investigators.

[BossMark]

A passenger was moaning about our over crowded trains.They said that ."You are never guaranteed a seat during the rush-hour." I said," That's not correct the driver always has one.

[Jimbuna]

"Babe, it's crawling along the floor!" I yelled to my wife, as I jumped up onto the sofa, "Kill it before I do."

"Calm down, Dave," she replied, taking the newspaper out of my hand, "You really need to spend more time with these kids."

[Armistead]

A baby Seal walks into a club.

[Eisenwurst]

Sgt at Parade.

"Right, you lot. The Captain's giving a talk about Keats tonight. So hands up all you ignorant bastards doesn't know what a keat is"

[BossMark]

A random number keeps sending me loads of pictures advertising tinned meat.

I bloody hate spam.

[Jimbuna]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

[BossMark]

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sobbing on the edge of the bed.

"What's the matter, dear?" I said and sat up beside her.

"You came in last night extremely drunk and said how much you hated me and the kids," she cried.

Utterly shocked, I said, "I can assure you, sweetheart, that I wasn't drunk."

[BossMark]

I went to the doctor's in a panic that I might have early onset Alzheimer's, as I'd suddenly realised I couldn't even remember the last time I had sex.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with you," said the doctor, without even examining me.

"How can you tell without a brain scan or even a thorough check-up?" I asked.

"You're wearing a wedding ring."

[Jimbuna]

I answered the phone today and all I heard was sneezing.

Bloody cold callers.

[BossMark]

When I get the train to work in the mornings, I always take my bike on with me.

It's the only way to guarantee myself a seat.

[Jimbuna]

"Why are you staring at my head?" asked some guy in the pub last night.

I said, "I'm checking out the hair."

"But, I'm completely bald." he replied.

I said, "I'm talking about mine."

[BossMark]

'Police shut dual carriageway to hunt for man's PENIS'
If the combined Navies from 5 Countries can't find a Boeing 777
what chance does plod have of locating a chap's gentleman sausage?

[Jimbuna]

As I strolled in at lunchtime yesterday, my boss started moaning at me:

"Where have you been?"

"On a course" I replied.

"Fair enough" he said , "how did you get on?"

"Not bad", I smiled "3 under par."

[BossMark]

Latest statistics show that 1 in 5 road traffic accident fatalities occurred because a seat belt was not worn.

Which means that 4 out of 5 people died wearing one.

No seat belt it is then.

[Jimbuna]

I once left the scene of an accident.

Not deliberately, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.

[BossMark]

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of 'Computer Hacking Investigator.'

The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?"

"Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview."

[Jimbuna]

A married couple went out to a nice restaurant to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. While driving home the wife saw a tear coming from her husband’s eye.
“Are you happy that we have spent 50 splendid years together?” she said.
He said, “No. I was just thinking about our wedding and how your father threatened me with a shotgun and said that if I didn’t marry you right then he would have me thrown in prison for 50 years. Tomorrow I could have been free!”

[BossMark]

Paddy phones up British Airways, ' I'd like to fly to London next Sunday and I wondered if you have any seats left. '
' Before I can answer that I need to know the number of people that you are flying with, ' replied the booking clerk.
' Well,you should know that,' said Paddy, ' it's your bloody plane. '

[Jimbuna]

I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"

Depends on what you mean by "active".

There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

[Jimbuna]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[BossMark]

The vicar looked at her then turned to me and said, "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

I said, "I do."

He looked her up and down again, then said to me, "I'll ask you one more time..."

[Jimbuna]

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[BossMark]

I don't understand my girlfriend sometimes, I came home this evening to find this note on the fridge.

'It's not working. I'm sorry, but I've gone to stay at my parents house...'

I opened it, the light came on and the beer was still cold.

What the hell is she on about!

[Jimbuna]

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen". The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely knackered now".

[BossMark]

If Oscar Pistorius is found innocent I don't think anyone will risk throwing him a surprise party

[Jimbuna]

I was on the train with my blonde PA this morning discussing her new role.

"Look why don't we go to Starbucks at lunch and have a recap" I said

"I'm going to pass" she said "I only drink decafinated"

[Jimbuna]

"How's the diet going?" I asked my buddy.

"Not good." he sighed, "I had eggs for breakfast this morning."

"Oh dear." I sympathized, "Fried?"

"Cadburys."

[BossMark]

I'll never forget the day I won on the Euro Lottery and told my boss to shove his job up his arse.

It was only £2.10, but well bloody worth it.

[Jimbuna]

My mate was working at a Royal Mail sorting office when a huge shelving rack holding boxes of stamps collapsed and fell on him.

The poor bugga was philately injured.

[Sailor Steve]

I went to my boss the other day, and told him I needed a pay raise. "I demand to be paid what I'm worth!" I almost shouted.

He smiled and said "I'd love to pay you what you're worth. Unfortunately we have minimum-wage laws."

[BossMark]

Thanks to Budget, if I buy 320 pints of beer - I get one free

[Tango589]

Thanks to Budget, if I buy 320 pints of beer - I get one free

That's not bad, free beer in a weekend.:O:

[Jimbuna]

My daughter asked, "Daddy, if you could be any fruit what would you be?"

"Well." I replied, "If I could be any fruit I guess I'd be an orange."

"Oh, no! You can't be an orange." she replied, "I'm an orange."

"Okay, then, sweetheart." I smiled, "I guess then I'd be an apple."

"Oh, no!" she replied, "You can't be an apple, Mummy's an apple."

"Alright, then." I snapped, "I'll be a lemon."

"Okay, calm down, Daddy," she cried, "there's no need to be bitter!"

[BossMark]

I was on a date with a woman I met on Facebook.

I said, "I like honesty, and I can tell you're an honest girl."

"Really?" she asked. "How can you tell?"

I said, "You're the first girl I've been out with that actually looks like their profile photo."

She said, "That's a picture of Sponge bob Square pants, you cheeky sod."

[Jimbuna]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[BossMark]

So at the ripe old age of 66 Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed up for the new Terminator movie.

The new tag line is going to be...
Aaaarrrrggghhh my back!!!

[Jimbuna]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[BossMark]

Two blokes in the pub are arguing about who's the biggest liar.

One says to the other, "I went over the Niagara falls in a wheelbarrow last week."

The other says, "I know, I saw you."

[Jimbuna]

News: Crimea voters excited to exercise democracy for last time.

[TarJak]

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman says "Occupation?"
"No, just visiting."

A Russian goes on holiday to Sevastapol. He gets to passport control and the woman says "Occupation?"
"Da."

[Jimbuna]

My daughter told me she heard strange animal noises coming from mummy and daddy's bedroom last night so I assured her she must have been dreaming.

I hope she believed me. I want the pony to be a surprise for her birthday.

[BossMark]

How come i always struggle to remember peoples names.

But Porn star names.. i remember like an oath.

[Jimbuna]

Pervert!!

[fireftr18]

Pervert!!

Thank you. :woot:

[BossMark]

Can't remember the last time I won anything on the lottery, but this week I won two quid.

I forgot to buy my ticket!

[Jimbuna]

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed and they had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked!

[ReallyDedPoet]

My daughter told me she heard strange animal noises coming from mummy and daddy's bedroom last night so I assured her she must have been dreaming.



I hope she believed me. I want the pony to be a surprise for her birthday.


: )

[Lord_magerius]

Referee Andre Marriner has been ridiculed in today's newspapers for sending off Kieran Gibbs instead of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

The Premier League has responded quickly by suspending Mark Clattenburg and issuing a full apology to Lewis Hamilton.

[Jimbuna]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

[BossMark]

For our wedding anniversary I took my wife to "Restaurant Gordon Ramsey" in London.

I told her she could have anything she wanted as long as it didn't come to more than about £150

She had the water.

[Jimbuna]

A woman went to the police saying "Help Officer, I've been graped"
"Don't you mean raped, madam?", said the policeman
"No, graped Officer, there was a bunch of them!", she replied.

[Kaptlt.Endrass]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.


Did you hear about the sailor who lost 50$ on a baseball game?
He lost 50 more on the replay.


A sailor met a fairy who said that she'd grant him one wish.
"I want to live forever." said the sailor. "Sorry." said the fairy. "I can't grant wishes like that."
"Fine" said the sailor. "I want to live till Congress gets its heads out of its arse."
"Crafty bastard." said the fairy.

[BossMark]

My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.

[Jimbuna]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

[TarJak]

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shihtzu.

[TarJak]

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

[BossMark]

What do you call it where a man who kills someone for £20 ends up getting a TV, a PS3 and a lifetime's free gym membership instead?

The English Judicial System.

[Sailor Steve]

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
I was about to go looking at earlier posts because I know I heard that one not to long ago. Then I remembered where - I saw it yesterday on an episode of The Sarah Jane Adventures. :dead:

[BossMark]

You may read Russell Brand's "My Bookie Wook" and dismiss it as rubbish, or you can dismiss it as rubbish without reading it to save time if you prefer.

[Jimbuna]

Since the innovation of smart phones and tablets, I have a firm belief that most of the crap people share on social media sites happens whilst they're on the toilet.

Take this joke for example.

[TarJak]

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays

[BossMark]

A man walks into a real ale pub with his own German beer mug. "A pint of 'John Smiths' bitter please," he says.

"Fill his stein," the barman tells the barmaid.

[TarJak]

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

[Jimbuna]

I was looking in a music shop and I saw a set of bagpipes,

"Look dear," I said to my wife, "they remind me of you."

"Why?" She replied, "just because I'm Scottish?"


"No, " I said, "they're mis-shapen, full of wind and sound horrible."

[BossMark]

Just rang Screwfix Direct.
They told me to sod off, turns out it's not a dating agency.

[Jimbuna]

I overheard my room-mate telling his friend how thick I am and that I hadn't noticed him gradually stealing all my golf equipment, taking one item a day so I wouldn't realise.

He had me down to a tee.

[BossMark]

An inquiry has found that the ceiling collapse at London's Apollo Theatre last December was caused by weak and old material.

Whoever booked Bobby Davro should be sacked.

[Jimbuna]

The Sunderland new away strip looks just like a deck chair. Ironically, there will be thousands of them at Blackpool next season.

[BossMark]

My daughter wanted a Cinderella party.

So I invited a couple of her friends round, and made them clean the house.

[Jimbuna]

I invented an automatic hair cutting machine and took it off to the patents office to get it registered.

After explaining how it worked, like a hair drying hood but with rotating knives, they seemed a little dubious.

"Have you taken the fact that everyone's head is a different shape into consideration", they asked.

In hindsight, "Only the first time they use it", probably wasn't the best answer.

[BossMark]

I was impressed when my Italian American actor friend told me he was starring as the Don in a big theater production.

Turns out he was playing the front half of a donkey in the local panto.

[TarJak]

Two whales are sitting at a bar. One of them suddenly says: "Mmmwaamm!"
The second whale looks over and and says: "Holy moley, you're so drunk.

[BossMark]

My wife was reading the newspaper and said,

"Promise me we will not finish up like that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow."

"I promise, " I replied, "I can't write songs, and you can't bloody act."

[TarJak]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Ivan," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Maria," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

[BossMark]

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have agreed on 'a Conscious Uncoupling'

They've even managed to make divorce sound pretentious.

[Jimbuna]

Kim Jong Un has ordered that all North Korean men must have their hair cut to be just like his.

That's madness: everyone will look the same.

[BossMark]

It has been leaked to the press that further clampdowns are to be expected in North Korea, including a ban on listening to music that makes you feel happy.

Coldplay are planning a tour there in the near future.

[Jimbuna]

Face of Jesus found in yeast!

The religious have have claimed it is proof he will rise again.

[BossMark]

Got thrown out of the theatre during the Superman movie, but I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

[Jimbuna]

After countless doctors' appointments and weeks of tests, the cause of my wife's obesity has finally been put down to a problem with her ears.


They can hear the ice cream van coming.

[fireftr18]

After countless doctors' appointments and weeks of tests, the cause of my wife's obesity has finally been put down to a problem with her ears.


They can hear the ice cream van coming.

MMMM, maybe that's my problem. :D

[BossMark]

A new US reality show is soon to hit our screens in which single women are duped into believing they could get married to Prince Harry.
There's a twist though.

He looks just like Harry..

He talks just like Harry..

And he even acts just like Harry, but he's not really Prince Charles' son.


Just like Harry.

[Jimbuna]

I really hate my job as a male flasher and I was so close to quitting last week.

But then I decided I would stick it out for a little while longer.

[BossMark]

Somerset people are said to be delighted that the floods have finally receded.

Now they can go back to using their 4x4's for the purpose for which they were originally intended.

Taking the bloody kids to school.

[Jimbuna]

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

[BossMark]

I wish people would stop making wife jokes.

What's funny about being married?

[Jimbuna]

I hit my wife in the face with a newspaper and she woke up.

"What's going on?" she asked, in a state of shock.

"There was a spider on your face," I exclaimed.

She said, "That's the sixth day in a row..."

[ReallyDedPoet]

: )

[donna52522]

Did you hear that the worlds biggest optimist fell out a 79th floor window? As he sailed past the 20th floor he was overheard saying "Doing okay so far."

[BossMark]

My teenage daughter just came home with a huge bouquet of flowers.

"What have you got them for?" I asked.

"Mothers Day." she replied.

It goes to show how much attention I pay, I didn't even know she had a kid.

[Jimbuna]

I fell asleep the other night at a friend's party and woke up to find that my friends had stuck a tea bag in my mouth .... I went absolutely mental .... Nobody makes a mug out of me

[BossMark]

I shouted through to my Mum yesterday morning, "Happy Mother's Day! How does breakfast in bed sound?"

"Lovely," she replied.

"Great," I said, "I'll have a full English."

[Jimbuna]

"If you were shipwrecked on a desert island, what's the one thing you'd like with you Dai?"

"A sheep."

"Nice. All that lovely roast lamb, mutton broth and some delicious chops will keep you going for ages. Plus the fleece will keep you warm, you can make tools from the bones and you could use the skin for a hammock."

"Oh yeh, I hadn't thought of that."

[BossMark]

People always mock Manchester United for having legions of fans who live nowhere near Manchester, but I think it happens at most clubs.

For example, my mate is a Derby County supporter and you'd be amazed at the number of Welshmen who tell me they absolutely love getting behind the Rams.

[Jimbuna]

I can't believe people are already giving David Moyes a hard time!

Look at the great job he did with Everton:

In 11 years in charge he never finished lower than 11th & even finished in the top 4 once.

I'm sure he can repeat this success with United.

[Herr-Berbunch]

For once I wish my girlfriend would say thank you when I bring her breakfast in bed, not shout 'who are you, get out of my house you weirdo'!

[BossMark]

I hate pub quizzes, everyone staring at you and expecting answers.

"I'll have a pint please." I said, eventually.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. "
The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[BossMark]

The 'Irish Wildlife Association' have put penguins on the 'critically endangered' list.

After their two month expedition to the North Pole, they didn't find a single one.

[Jimbuna]

My mrs finished the night shift at 11:45 this morning and I promised to pick her up from work

Just received a text saying I'm 6 hours late and where am I

She doesn't know what day it is

[fireftr18]

Joke thread, funny picture thread. I don't know, so I put it here.

http://i1168.photobucket.com/albums/r496/fireftr18/Punography_zps5ff8ca30.jpg (http://s1168.photobucket.com/user/fireftr18/media/Punography_zps5ff8ca30.jpg.html)

[BossMark]

I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive,

but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge.

[Jimbuna]

My ex girlfriend told my mate that the reason why we both split up was because I am too obsessed with triangles.

I told him not to believe her and that there are three sides to every story.

[BossMark]

This girl asked me if I was interested in Christian dating.

"No, not really, "I told her, "but I would imagine December the twenty fifth is the most famous one."

[Jimbuna]

If Karma really does exist, Osama bin Laden will be lying at the bottom of the sea with a plane on his head.

[fireftr18]

If Karma really does exist, Osama bin Laden will be lying at the bottom of the sea with a plane on his head.

:k_rofl:

I can't help it Jim. That is bad, real bad.

[desertstriker]

If Karma really does exist, Osama bin Laden will be lying at the bottom of the sea with a plane on his head.
:k_rofl: wow my sides still hurt.

[BossMark]

I was sitting in a strip club when an Oriental stripper came and sat on my knee, "You want some fun?" she whispered in my ear.

"That depends." I replied, "What's your name, and how much you charging?"

She said, "Penny, and sixty notes."

"Well." I said taking her by the hand, "That seems quite reasonable Miss Notes. Shall we?"

[Jimbuna]

I see the Russian army is now conducting drills on Finland's border.

Or as Putin calls it, "window shopping."

[BossMark]

My wife of twenty years was killed during a violent mugging while we were on holiday in the Dominican Republic for our 'china' anniversary.
The suspect was caught and as a witness, I stayed for the trial which saw him jailed for life. I remained composed throughout, keeping a dignified solemnity for the two months it took the Dominican government to allow repatriation of my wife's body back to England.
It wasn't until I eventually arrived back at home, to the house we bought together, where we raised our children and believed we would spend our golden years, that I broke down into inconsolable floods of tears.


I hadn't cancelled the milk.

[Jimbuna]

My parents were really great, they taught me to never give up, no matter what.

So that's bad news for the police and the hostages.

[BossMark]

Military experts in South Korea are examining a North Korean spy drone which crashed yesterday.

A South Korean spokesman said: "We believe these spy drones have been secretly sold to the North from Western Europe. In particular, we want to speak to a company known as Airfix".

[Jimbuna]

You put your left leg in. Your left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. You shake it all about. You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around.

And that's when I got thrown out of my Mother-in-Law's funeral.

[BossMark]

If the best things in life are free,

how come I had to pay for my divorce?

[Jimbuna]

I got home from work and said to my wife, "What's this crap you're watching and who is that miserable looking bugga in the tuxedo?"

"It's you, " she replied, " and it's our wedding video."

[BossMark]

Want know what it's like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

[BossMark]

I called 999 for an ambulance today.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator.

"I stumped my toe on the coffee table." I replied.

"And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed.

I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed."

[Jimbuna]

I see Vladimir Putin says his divorce was amicable.

It must have been. She's still alive.

[BossMark]

I see the same homeless man scribbling furiously in a notebook every day on my way to work. This morning I stopped to ask him his story.

"I am Stephen King's older brother," he said. "He stole the ideas for all of his novels from me."

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe.

[Jimbuna]

International test cricket matches stop for tea, the players come in when it's raining and they stop when it starts getting dark.

I think I was a professional cricketer when I was eight.

[BossMark]

I bought a toilet brush 5 days ago. Long story short...

I'm going back to toilet paper.

[BossMark]

The Duke of Cambridge is causing controversy in Wellington over the choice of an unsafe baby car seat.

To be fair his mother didn't even know how to put on a seat belt.

[Jimbuna]

North Korea issues warning, "If a U.S. missile or the South Korean puppet forces' missile falls on any part of the DPRK (North Korea), it will pound all the strongholds of the enemy with merciless shower of missiles to reduce them to ashes"

South Korea issues an announcement:

"Fireworks display to be held over the Sea of Japan".

[BossMark]

I pointed the gun at my wife and asked "Any last words?"

Three hours later I shot her.

[Jimbuna]

I went to the barbers today and he asked, "What can I do for you today sir?"

"Cut both short." I replied.

"Both what?" He asked.

I said, "The hair and the conversation."

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius told the court yesterday that "He only wanted to protect Reeva" It is rumored that the US special services will offer him a job rescuing hostages if he gets off with it

[Jimbuna]

"No, you can't wear your 'Star Wars' mask to my mother's funeral," said my wife.

"So you can just take that Luke off your face," she added.

[BossMark]

Top 5 most deadly occupations:

5. Miner
4. Helicopter Pilot
3. Construction Worker
2. Soldier
1. Celebrity in 20s

[Jimbuna]

I was walking past the barber shop today and he had a sign in the window that read: 'Haircuts - £5 each' so I went in.

When he'd finished he said, "Right Sir, that'll be £450,000 please."

[BossMark]

On the way home from the pub last night
I found the instructor from my Karate club
at the pavement edge struggling to get to his feet.
He had a broken nose, two black eyes and a broken arm.
I helped him up and said wow mate I thought you were a black belt,
he said I am but it doesn't work against cars.

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius has told the judge at his trial that he hopes to clear his name and win gold at the next Olympics in honour of Reeva.

Is he entering the men's shooting this time?

[donna52522]

So this fetish shop near me was broken into and two workers were left bound and gagged all night...and loved EVERY second of it.

[BossMark]

My mate Paddy called me whilst I was on holiday in Australia last week.

"Dave!" he said, "Google the UK National Lottery and tell me what the results were for tonight's draw."

"Why?" I asked.

"You're 9 hours ahead," he replied, "I'll bloody put them on."

[Jimbuna]

The Judge studied each picture in sequence before looking up at me.

"Without doubt, these are the sickest most perverted images I have even been confronted with. It almost beggars belief that, inebriated or not, young women would allow such photographs to be taken....."

He paused before opening his wallet, "..... Fifty quid for the lot, you said?"

[BossMark]

As he took my statement the policeman said, "Sir, you should know not to leave anything of value on display in your car."

I replied, "I didn't, it was my daughter's ticket to see One Direction."

[Jimbuna]

My disabled son wants to do a parachute jump for charity.

Thick bugga, you think he would have learned his lesson after the last time.

[Platapus]

I asked my doctor whether I would live to be 95.

He asked me, "Do you smoke, drink to excess, use drugs, or whore around"?

I replied "no, none of that"

He said, "Then why would you want to live all the way to 95?"

[BossMark]

A female witness at the trial has spoken of how she ended things with Oscar Pistorius only days before he started dating Reeva Steenkamp.

Looks like she dodged a bullet there then.

[Tango589]

They say laughter keeps a marriage alive. That's good to know as my wife laughs every time I drop my trousers.

[BossMark]

I came home from the pub really pissed last night and ended up dropping my phone in the toilet.

This may not seem to impressive, but it was my land line that was hanging on my kitchen wall.

[Jimbuna]

Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.

And then I wait for the next bus.

[BossMark]

If Reeva Steenkamp had taken a dump with the door open all this palaver would never have happened.

[Jimbuna]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

[BossMark]

I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say,

"Oh packing fudge are we?"

Or

"Hey up, he's packing fudge again."

Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.

I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.

[TarJak]

Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.

And then I wait for the next bus.
Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.

And then I wait for the next bus. Snap!

[BossMark]

Snap!
Deleted mine:yep:


My wife is addicted to gambling, and losing all our money, so I suggested we play Russian roulette.

Either way I'm a bloody winner.

[Jimbuna]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[BossMark]

I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!

[Jimbuna]

This morning I spent five hours trying to remove a program from my computer that was hidden from view, relaying info about my activities back to its server and slowing my system down by 800%.

If anyone knows how to safely get rid of Norton Antivirus, I'd love to hear.

[desertstriker]

This morning I spent five hours trying to remove a program from my computer that was hidden from view, relaying info about my activities back to its server and slowing my system down by 800%.

If anyone knows how to safely get rid of Norton Antivirus, I'd love to hear.
http://niketalk.com/image/id/4703901

[Jimbuna]

Just spotted exactly the same crossword clue for an eleven letter word in two different newspapers.

Coincidence ?

[BossMark]

If Thomas Jefferson had access to porn he never would have declared
"All men are created equal".

[Jimbuna]

I was in the garden pruning the rosebush when my new neighbour said, "Hello, lovely rosebush, "

"Yes, " I replied, "it always reminds me of my late wife, she loved roses. "

"Funny you should say that, " he replied, " I'm also doing what my wife used to love, muck spreading. "

[BossMark]

Thatchers dead,
Ferguson has retired
And Liverpool are going to win the league.
Somewhere there is a scouser with a lamp with no wishes left!

[Jimbuna]

71 killed in Nigeria as a result of a bus explosion.

What are the chances all on board are millionaires with no family and my surname?

[BossMark]

I was in good position to win the International shoelace-tying championships yesterday ,
But I buckled under the pressure.

[Jimbuna]

To be honest I think they should let Oscar Pistorius walk free.

Every man wants to do the same thing when their partner beats them to the bathroom.

[BossMark]

Me and a few friends have just invented the Oscar Pistorius drinking game whilst watching the trial.

Anytime someone goes to the toilet, you have four quick shots.

[Jimbuna]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female.
Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.
Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well.
Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.
Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world.
Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.

[BossMark]

My son has been diagnosed with what the doctor says is an extremely rare genetic condition.

It can't be that rare though, several of my mate Dave's family have it too.

[Jimbuna]

If you're not careful, chainsaws can cost you an arm and a leg.

[BossMark]

All I keep hearing during the trial is "yes m'lady."

Who's in the dock, Oscar Pistorius or Parker from Thunderbird's?

[Jimbuna]

AC/DC are on the verge of retirement.

A new band called Duracell will be formed and will last a lot longer.

[BossMark]

I wonder what song the radio will play after Gloria Gaynor dies?

[Jimbuna]

My sister dropped and broke her violin, but I fixed it with some cellotape.

[BossMark]

Rewarding formula one teams for fuel economy is like rewarding sumo wrestlers for going to weight watchers.

[BossMark]

Loving my new South African Cluedo.

You know who did it, where, and the weapon.

You just have to work out why.

[Jimbuna]

So apparently many Christians are in an uproar over the movie Noah, claiming they made too much of the plot up. Apparently the fictitious movie about a fictitious story from a fictitious book wasn't historically accurate.

[BossMark]

I was trying to explain to my grandfather how time travel is actually possible, but he's not believing any of it.

He's just as stubborn as his grandfather.

[Mittelwaechter]

Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane
and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.

[BossMark]

Everyone is always saying how romantic I am because even after being with my wife for 12 years, I still hold her hand when we are out in public.

Let them think whatever they want.

All I know is, if I'm holding it, she can't hit me with it.

[Jimbuna]

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

[BossMark]

I said to my mate, "I've just bought some stocks."

He raised an eyebrow, "Through a broker?"

I said, "No mate, from a village fete. The mother-in-law's coming over."

[Jimbuna]

Get a flat stomach in 4 weeks using this weird old tip.

Move.

[BossMark]

My daughter asked me if she could hire a limo to take her to her prom and for some money to buy a copy of her yearbook.

"Hold on," I said. "I just need to consult the Atlas."

"How's that gonna help?" she asked.

"It's not," I said. "I just want to confirm that I'm still living in bloody Britain."

[Jimbuna]

I was going to organise fundraising to buy a new clock for the local community centre.

But money is so tight I decided to set up a neighbourhood watch scheme instead.

[BossMark]

I just met someone called William Hill.

What are the odds?

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron has brushed off being stung by a jellyfish on holiday. 'I work closely with Ian Duncan Smith so I know how to handle spineless creatures with no brain,' he added.

[BossMark]

Despite professing his love for his girlfriend, Oscar Pistorius says he doesn't miss her.

Not from four feet away anyway!

[Jimbuna]

Just been banned from my church's Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"

[BossMark]

I can't help but feel Kleenex have missed a trick not sponsoring Oscar Pistorius during his trial.

[Jimbuna]

I've decided that the amount of time I spend surfing the web has become a problem and amounts to addiction.

So I've joined a self help forum.

[BossMark]

Girl: "dad, I'm a lesbian.
Sister: "me too dad.
Dad: "So no one here likes guys!?!
Son: "i do

[Jimbuna]

Police: where do you live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does your parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do you all live?
Me: together
Police: where isyo ur house?
Me: next to my neighbours house
Police: where is your neighbours house?
Me: if I tell you you wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house

[Paulebaer1979]

A realy fat women (about 150kg) goes to a gynecologist and sit on the chair for being checked up. The doc asks her if she could fart. She says: "Why? Is it a part of the check up?" The doc answers. "No. It´s just for navigation."

[Mittelwaechter]

What's the difference between an Afghani terrorist base and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

[BossMark]

"If it wasn't for our soldiers, you Brits would be speaking German," said my American mate.

""If it wasn't for your teachers, you Yanks would be speaking English," I replied.

[Jimbuna]

"Tell the truth." The wife demanded, "Does this make me look too fat?"

"Err.. n..no." I stumbled. "It's.. It's ok."

"Oh good." She replied. "As long as I don't look ridiculous."


"Hang on, you didn't ask me THAT."

[BossMark]

Mrs just got back from the charity shop with a present for me.

It was a book of all of the 25th of Decembers since 1980.

I was over the moon. It was like all my Christmases had come at once.

[Jimbuna]

For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.

[BossMark]

My wife makes 10 pounds a day as a bounty hunter.

Doesn't sound much but that's 70lbs a week just from eating chocolate bars.

[Jimbuna]

This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday.. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant Easter bunny.

[BossMark]

My wife went to a fancy dress party as a zombie.

She looked frightening.

Then she got ready for the party.

[Jimbuna]

I steal eggs from next door. I prefer them poached.

[BossMark]

My mum doesn't like me reading books by Stephen King, so she ripped up my copy of 'Christine', and threw it in the bin.

But it was back on my bedside table this morning, in pristine condition.

[Jimbuna]

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

[Armistead]

A woman sued the Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

[BossMark]

Easter Sunday, the most important day in the Christian calendar.

The day God created the chocolate egg.

[Jimbuna]

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.


I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.

[BossMark]

A mother has told of her family's lucky escape after their car caught fire in the lion enclosure at Longleat Safari Park.

Shame that, with the good weather the lions would have loved a barbecue.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just heard the ice-cream van outside and said "Any chance of buying me one?"


"No way" I said. "You can't even drive."

[BossMark]

Invited to a fancy dress party, I told the wife "I'm just going to drag-up in a skirt and go as you."

"Don't talk daft." She said. "You'll look ridiculous, you fat sod."


"Exactly."

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Right class, can anyone tell us something about their grandparents?"

Little Johnny: "My nan is as tough as old boots, Miss."

Teacher: "That's probably because she lived through the war."

Little Johnny: "No, it's the mummification after being dead for 10yrs."

[BossMark]

After World War II the British celebrated V.E. Day, the Americans celebrated V.J. Day,

And the Australians also had themselves a G'Day.

[BossMark]

I was in a art gallery today and I was shocked when I looked at a painting by Picasso which had a woman sat on a chair next to a table which had deformed legs.

I had no idea Ikea had been around so long.

[Jimbuna]

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

"Why do you want to do that?" I said.

"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.

[BossMark]

As a bomb disposal officer I'd just like to say a massive thank you to the health and safety conscious bomb makers out there for colour coding the wires on your bombs.

[Jimbuna]

I've just told my Mrs that I am leaving her to pursue my lifelong ambition of becoming a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

[BossMark]

My mate asked today, "What's the possibility of Oscar Pistorius being found innocent?"

I said, "There's more chance of him getting athletes foot."

[Jimbuna]

I stayed in Liverpool recently and I was really happy when I came out and found my car on bricks after someone had nicked the wheels.

At least it stopped the car getting stolen.

[Jimbuna]

Some bloke accused me of trying to pick pocket him today.

"You're too slow for me," he laughed, "Now go away before I call the police!"

I said, "With what?"

[BossMark]

I confronted the new specialist after he found a mole and insisted on examining my wife's breasts for lumps.

"We have to take these things seriously," he said. "What did you expect me to do?"

"Well," I said. "Our old landscape gardener would have whacked it on the head with a spade."

[Jimbuna]

David Moyes has been offered another job already! The Great Britain Tobogganing Team have said they have been looking for years for someone who can push a team downhill at that sort of speed.

[BossMark]

Celebrate St George's Day in true English style by standing in a long queue and complaining.

[Jimbuna]

^Should be STEEDS favourite day then :)

[BossMark]

So a few months ago we went to the saffer bar with some mates.
When my girlfriend got up to go to the bathroom I said I would get in a round of shots.

my girlfriends face was a picture.
I was legless....

[BossMark]

I've just got a new job cutting people up all day, I love being a cabbie

[Jimbuna]

I went to see my doctor this morning.

"Some bugga decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" he asked.

"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

[BossMark]

Whenever I see a miserable checkout girl in Asda I tell her that the lady standing behind me is a mystery shopper.

It's quite entertaining as you watch them become really friendly while packing your shopping away.

[Jimbuna]

I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.

Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.

[BossMark]

Two Unicorns were on Noah's Ark when one said to the other, "Hi, I'm George."

The other replies, "Pleased to meet you George, I'm Arthur."

[Jimbuna]

I can't believe it but Greggs now have some ethnic foreign rubbish on sale.

Cornish Pasties

[BossMark]

You learn something new every day.

Unless you go to a faith school.

[Jimbuna]

London's Gherkin skyscraper has been placed in receivership.

Looks like the owners got in a pickle.

[BossMark]

Just offered up my services as a backing dancer for One Direction when they play at the Stadium Of Light next month.

Their agent responded with "Are you any good?"

I told him "Well not really, but to be fair neither are the other 11 useless sods that dance around there every weekend for lots of money".

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying our family was poor but when I was growing I thought knives and forks were jewellery.

[BossMark]

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.

When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.

I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!

How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[magic452]

Easter Sunday morning church service the preacher calls the children to the front for the children's sermon. He told the group that they were going to talk about the "resurrection" of Jesus and ask the children if anyone of them knew what "resurrection" meant. After a short lull Little Johnny raised his hand and the preacher called on him to tell the group what it meant. Little Johnny said" I am not sure of the real meaning but I do know if you have one lasting for more than 4 hours you should call your doctor".

Magic

[BossMark]

"Your driving is bloody awful," I said to my wife this morning.

"It would help if you told me where I should be going!" she yelled, "Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???"

"Do a left," I replied calmly, "Then do a right between the swings & the slide."

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying my wife's greedy but, on her birthday, she ate her cake so fast that we had to prise her mouth open to blow the candles out.

[BossMark]

A man from Specsavers knocked on my door this morning and said,"50% off today sir.Would you like an eye check?"

"My eyes are just fine,thank you very much." I said with pride.

He then looked over at my wife and said,"Are you sure about that sir?"

[Jimbuna]

After a blazing row, the wife said she was leaving me and she went off to pack her bags.

As she was leaving, she turned around and said, "You swine, you planned this, didn't you?"

I said, "No, don't be stupid, what makes you think that?"

She said, "Your mates, the ones hiding behind the couch with the balloons."

[BossMark]

Ironing done.
Hoovering done.
Washing done.
Dusting done.
Kids bathed.
Kids in bed.

Perfect!

Now I can leave the pub.

[Jimbuna]

As the iPhone 6 is about to launch in some months, we must collectively ask ourselves - "Is our second kidney really that important?"

[BossMark]

Even as a child I knew my parents hated me.
They used to give me my pocket money in travellers cheques

[Jimbuna]

I got the sack today.

Turns out the Five Second Rule doesn't apply when you drop a knife in the operating theatre.

[BossMark]

'Internet Explorer Users At Risk From Major Bug'

"All 4 users have been informed" said a spokesman.

[Jimbuna]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?"
"No you idiot," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."

[BossMark]

Say what you like about Max Clifford, he will be missed from public life as he touched so many people

[AVGWarhawk]

Easter Sunday morning church service the preacher calls the children to the front for the children's sermon. He told the group that they were going to talk about the "resurrection" of Jesus and ask the children if anyone of them knew what "resurrection" meant. After a short lull Little Johnny raised his hand and the preacher called on him to tell the group what it meant. Little Johnny said" I am not sure of the real meaning but I do know if you have one lasting for more than 4 hours you should call your doctor".

Magic

:rotfl2: