The joke thread

[BossMark]

The Taliban have announced that they now have a stealth bomber.

Sounds impressive, until you find out it's just a guy wearing a rucksack underneath his
jacket.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was sat stony faced when I came home from work.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"I found some pictures on Marks hard drive that you need to see."
She took me up to our son's room and I looked in horror at the appalling images she showed me.
"The little buggas a Leeds fan!"

[BossMark]

Filming the next instalments of Star Wars in the UK is a bit disappointing after all the others were filmed in space.

[Jimbuna]

Paddy and his wife are on holiday in England visiting historical sites.
' This is where the Magna Carta was signed, ' said the tour guide, ' it is one of the most important documents in England. '
' When was it signed, ' asked Paddy.
' 1215, ' replied the guide.
' Christ,we missed it by 90 minutes,' said Paddy.

[Jimbuna]

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

[BossMark]

Missing Wife
Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something ..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Did she go in a car???
Husband: Yes!!!
Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?
Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car..........

[Jimbuna]

I've finally managed to sell both my eyelids for a fortune on eBay.

I foresee a bright future ahead.

[BossMark]

I've recently started spending more time in the pub in a bid to become healthier.

It's the only way I can get some fresh air.

[Jimbuna]

I've made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.
She's a bit clingy.

[BossMark]

I've been reading a book about euthanizing inanimate objects. I can't put it down.

[Jimbuna]

5 monkeys have been stolen from Blackpool zoo.

The police are said to be using a "slowly slowly catchy monkey" approach.

[BossMark]

'I stand by everything I have said in the last 17 months' said Max Clifford ahead of sentencing later today.

Does anyone know if he ever said, "Exploding bomb".

[Jimbuna]

I invested in a timeshare recently but I got ripped off.

I'm now part owner of a watch which I get to wear for 2 weeks a year.

[BossMark]

What's the difference between Kate Moss and Max Clifford?

Kate Moss is on the front cover of Vogue. Max Clifford is doing Time.

[Lord_magerius]

A fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"

"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.

"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"

"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."

[BossMark]

I see Saudi Arabia has a new website that allows citizens to send complaints directly to the king.

If needed, you can even submit a second complaint using your remaining hand.

[Jimbuna]

I was rough as hell off beer this morning, so the wife had to drive me to work.

"I don't understand it." I said." I only had five pints."


"I know, Dave." She replied. "But it's hardly a balanced breakfast."

[BossMark]

I've just bought a TV from Curry's for £700 and I was given a voucher for £10 off for every goal England score in the World Cup.

So in reality, the TV could cost me as little as £700.

[Lord_magerius]

At the end of Crimewatch, Nick Ross says, "Do sleep well and try not to have nightmares."

How does he expect me to sleep well when he has just shown the entire nation a video of me ripping off a Post Office in Worksop?

[BossMark]

A man and his wife are having a big argument she yells at him and tells him to get out and not come back. As he walks out the door she shouts "i hope you die a slow painful death"
He yells back at her "I thought you wanted me to leave"

[magic452]

THE IRISH CHRISTENING


Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
"However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself: "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot."
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor: "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself: "Wow, that's a really beautiful name. "I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise." Then she asked: "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied: "Denephew.

Magic

[BossMark]

I always bring a condom with me on a night out.

Unfortunately it's always the same one.

[Jimbuna]

I stopped to buy a big mac at lunchtime.

I'm only 5ft 6in. I look ridiculous.

[BossMark]

I hate it when people say to me that they don't believe that I'm deaf...

[Jimbuna]

Your mothers so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her what she was doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

[BossMark]

At the end of Crimewatch, Nick Ross says, "Do sleep well and try not to have nightmares."

How does he expect me to sleep well when he has just shown the entire nation a video of me ripping off a Post Office in Worksop?
Jim about 6 posts down :D

[Jimbuna]

Jim about 6 posts down :D

I think you meant 'up' :O:

Sorted :oops:

[BossMark]

I like the way catch-up TV warns you if the programme contains "Adult themes, strong language from the start and scenes of sexual violence."

So you'll know it's worth downloading.

[BossMark]

I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said.

'I'm just doing my job' she protested.

'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you git' I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Say what you like about the scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time.

Locking wheel nuts.

[mapuc]

A little boy was asked what he wished for birthday, now that i can almost speak

I want a green tennisball

Why do you want a green tennisball

I'm not going to tell.

Every year the boy wishes the same thing-a green tennisball

And so it goes on througout his whole life

On his last hour his wife ask him if he has a last wish

I do I wish I could get a green tennisball

Dear Dad you have all your life wished for a green tennisball and you want tell why you want this.

Ok I'll tell you why, it's because......arrrggghhh



Markus

[BossMark]

A security guard stopped me as I walked out of the supermarket today.

"Can you open the jacket for me please, sir?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied, unbuttoning it all the way down, "There you go."

He said, "Thanks, but I meant yours."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend took up jogging to try and lose weight but it didn't work coz she kept running into things.

Mostly restaurants.

[BossMark]

If there really was a glass ceiling in the workplace,

I'm pretty sure we'd let all the women work above us.

[Jimbuna]

Bought a dog and called him shark..

I'm now banned from every beach in England.

[BossMark]

The McCanns are hoping for some good news from Portugal soon. Apparently in someone's cellar they might have found...

...some more of the excellent Merlot they were drinking 7 years ago while someone took their kid.

[Tango589]

My dad used to move in some very funny circles.

He had one leg shorter than the other.

[BossMark]

Paddy is driving along the road and spots Mick walking along. He stops and winds down the window, "Mick, would you like a lift?"

"No thanks Paddy, no need of one. I live in a bungalow."

[Jimbuna]

A neighbor from the next block over knocked on our door last night with tears in his eyes and handed me £500 and then started sobbing as he told me that he had hit and killed our Beagle. I looked at the money, nodded and slowly closed the door. my wife asked who was at our door? "It's the neighbor from the next block over" I replied, "The dumb bugga ran over the Jones's yappy dog!"

[BossMark]

Apparently there was a violent criminal on the loose called the Skull Cracker.


What next a gun-toting amputee on the loose called the Blade Runner?

[BossMark]

The BBC is said to be sending in a team of their own experts in the hunt for the missing Nigerian schoolgirls.
I don't think they've thought this one through.
Jimmy Saville is dead, Stuart Hall is locked up, and Dave Lee Travis still has an ongoing court case!

[Jimbuna]

Deaths on Welsh roads are up 10 Percent.

They should drive more Caerphilly.

[TarJak]

Why don't the Nigerian government just ring the bloke who wants to sell the school girls and just put an offer in for them?

[BossMark]

Following the news that the Americans have sent in a specialist team to hunt for the missing schoolgirls in Nigeria .Britain has offered to send in its own crack specialists of Stuart Hall and Max Clifford

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Now class, if I have 5 plums in my right hand and 7 plums in my left hand. What does that give me?"

Little Johnny: "The sh!ts, Miss."

[BossMark]

BBC News - Women set to be allowed to serve combat roles on the front line .

I think you will find it's spelt " Rolls ".

[Jimbuna]

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.

He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up", he frowned.

I said "That's the one."

[BossMark]

My lecturer laughed at me because I didn't know what a simile was.

And I was like whatever.

[Jimbuna]

McDonalds is bringing out a new telepathic burger meal!!

Well that's food for thought.

[BossMark]

Panic strikes the Jeremy Kyle Show production office as news spreads that the long term unemployed must sign on every day.

[Jimbuna]

A court has ordered Ex-minister Chris Huhne to pay £77,750 in costs for his prosecution for perverting the course of justice.

Bet he puts it on his expenses.

[Jimbuna]

I can't remember the last time I actually got arrested for indecent exposure.

It was many moons ago.

[BossMark]

"Here you go love." I said to the wife, pulling a can from my bag, "have a beer."

"No, thanks," she replied.

"Oh, okay," I said, producing a bottle. "Vodka, then?"

"No, I don't think so," she sighed.

Another rummage in my bag... "A lovely brandy, perhaps?"

"No, I'd best not," she told me.

"Tequila?"

"I can't, baby," she said.

"Oh my god, you're pregnant, aren't you?" I gasped. "It's because you're pregnant, isn't it?"

"No, you thick sod," she replied. "It's because I'm still driving us home from the off licence."

[Jimbuna]

The Nigerian Government are now offering a $3million reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is to provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

[BossMark]

Paddy got a job as a waiter and was eager to impress.
' Can we have two cappuccinos please, ' said his first customers.
' Certainly, ' replied Paddy.
' Oh,and can you make sure my cup is clean, ' asked the woman.
Five minutes later Paddy approaches with his tray.
' Here we are,two cappuccinos.Which one of you wanted the clean cup, ' said Paddy

[Jimbuna]

I went to a referee's funeral today

It was a good send off

[BossMark]

Just came home with some fresh road kill for tea.

Or as everyone else recognizes him... that damn chicken that kept crossing the road.

[Jimbuna]

I see Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are still working on their prenup.

Apparently, they can't decide if the marriage will last 3 months or 4.

[magic452]

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"



(Wait for it)





The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

Magic

[BossMark]

Kate McCann says she had a dream about where Madeleine was buried.

That's not a dream Kate. It's called a memory love...

[Jimbuna]

Turns out men can use pregnancy tests to detect disease.

If you pee on the test, then the seat, the wall, the cat...you might have Parkinson's.

[BossMark]

I Don't have any patients today . . .

Said the angry doctor.

[Jimbuna]

Quasimodo went to his doctor.
' How can I help you,' asked the doctor.
' I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo
' OK,can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong. ' said the doctor.
Quasimodo took off ten vests,eight shirts and fourteen jumpers.
' When was the last time you took off all your clothes? ' asked the doctor.
' When I was at school, ' replied Quasimodo.
' Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag,' replied the doctor.

[BossMark]

I went to the doctors today with an ear ache.

He sent me next door to the divorce clinic.

[Jimbuna]

Six months ago my wife walked out on me, taking our six kids with her.


I've been on depressants ever since.

[BossMark]

A guy goes into the library and says "Do you have any books on constipation?"
The Librarian says "I've been waiting on it coming out for ages but it hasn't arrived yet. I can't work it out, it's been a real pain in the arse"

[Jimbuna]

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

[BossMark]

You've got to give credit to Georgios Samaras.

To score a goal and win Eurovision in the same weekend is some going.

[Jimbuna]

I see they put Ukraine on first in the Eurovision Song Contest. Is that in case it stops being a country by the end?

[BossMark]

"I've just seen a murder outside our house."

"Really?" Gasped my wife.

"Yeah, see for yourself" I replied, pointing to our tree "there's about 30 crows up there look."

[magic452]

The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA)

President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering
sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more
Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as
a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans
who lack any real skills or ambition.



"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer
stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and
passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be
able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply
because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the
U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing
opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government
level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record
of hiring Persons With No Ability (63 percent).



Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles
but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense
of purpose and performance.



Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be
given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable
employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to
corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of
Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax
credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one
clueless worker for every two talented hires.



Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new
measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the
non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions
such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to
this job?"



"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people
who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost
her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich.,
due to her inability to remember "righty tighty, lefty loosey." "This
new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have
job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions
of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end
of the tunnel.



Said Sen. Dick Durbin,II: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the
same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended
to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or
her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great
nation and a good salary for doing so."



This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane
Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama.

Magic

[BossMark]

Gary Barlow has gone from OBE to IOU

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying that my wife is ugly.

But even Photoshop crashed when she was editing her profile picture on Facebook.

[BossMark]

I was walking along the beach earlier when I saw this massive whale washing up.

You should've seen the size of the dishes.

[swamprat69er]

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
>


>



>



>





About ten beers.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[BossMark]

I was throwing up after dinner last night when my wife said,

"Oh,so you think my cooking is crap?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I said.

"Well,you brought it up." She replied.

[Jimbuna]

Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.
They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.
It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room.
"This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tyre?

[BossMark]

I fully support calls for Barlow to hand back his OBE, It's difficult to justify him receiving it in the first place.

He was never THAT good in Coronation Street.

[Kaptlt.Endrass]

These may have been heard ny all but they're still good.

Q:How do you confuse a Frenchman?
A:Give him a gun and tell him to shoot it.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, he stands and holds it while the rest of Europe revolves around him.

Did you know that in WWII it took Germany only three days to conquer France? And that's only because it was raining.

Did you see the new French tank? Neither did I.

The new national French flag has been designed. It consists of a white cross on a white background. All countries that have been at war with Americans, the English, Australians, or Canadians are suing the French for copying their design.

[Kaptlt.Endrass]

Next time....

You might be a Taliban if...

[BossMark]

"I won't be coming in today." I said to my boss.

"I know Dave." He replied.

"How the hell did you know?"

"Because I sacked you three weeks ago you drunk bastard."

[Jimbuna]

A team of British experts has flown to Nigeria, to help find the 276 abducted schoolgirls.

Their first job will be to tell the American team where Nigeria is.

[BossMark]

People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC.

Of course he is.

He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old.

[Kaptlt.Endrass]

1) You might be a Taliban if you have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
2) You might be a Taliban if you have more wives than teeth.
3) You might be a Taliban if you own a $3,000 machine gun, a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford a pair of shoes.
4) You might be a Taliban if you can't think of ANYONE you haven't declared Jihad against.
5) You might be a Taliban if you think it's a great idea to strap yourself with C4 and hand someone the remote.
---------:-----------------------------------------------------
(Please understand that these jokes have no bias or show the opinions of the author and/or of this website. However, I am a crooked, slightly mentally disturbed person than will pay for my sins well I start the party in hell):rock::rock::woot:

[BossMark]

I see Sony has invented a new cassette tape that can hold 47 million songs.

The first demonstration is scheduled for 2019, when it finishes rewinding.

[Jimbuna]

My daughter has to use one of those talking cash machines.

Me.

[BossMark]

"70 year old becomes worlds oldest mother"

That's rubbish, my mum is 76.

[BossMark]

I've been working at the Parachute Packing Complaints Department for the last year.

It's been so bloody quiet ...

[Tango589]

10 drugs NOT to do when driving (http://cheezburger.com/60661249)

warning: things get weird

also: German video

[Mittelwaechter]

^ :up: I always liked the LSD bunny most, followed by Valium and then THC.

[BossMark]

"Can you give me a synonym for the word 'Adrift'?" Asked my blonde girlfriend.

"Off course." I replied.

"Well,what is it then smart ass?"...

[Jimbuna]

Six times already this week, the wife's reminded me her mother's coming to stay over the weekend.


She must think I'm made of gritted teeth.

[BossMark]

The latest try-on by the defence in the Oscar Pistorius trial is that he suffers from "general anxiety disorder".
In general, he is anxious about spending the rest of his life behind bars.

[Jimbuna]

I went to the Paradox Foundation today.

There was a sign on the door that read: 'Sorry we're closed, please come in.'

[BossMark]

Scientists say they have discovered the oldest fossilised sperm cells ever found.

They were in a sock under Cliff Richard's bed.

[Jimbuna]

Sad basum!!

[BossMark]

Because I don't eat a lot my wife says I might have an eating disorder and I should go and see someone about it.

If only she'd see someone about her cooking disorder then I may not have a problem.

[Jimbuna]

I don't know what all the fuss is about Window 7 - I just opened mine and all I got was a little chocolate mouse. Whose idea was that?

[BossMark]

Former England goalkeeper David James has been declared bankrupt.

He could never bloody save anything anyway.

[Jimbuna]

Dear Algebra:

I'm tired of trying to find your X.
Just accept the fact that she's gone and move on, you obsessive bugga.

[BossMark]

With all the weeping we have seen in Turkey by relatives of those killed in the mining disaster, its surely a bit unnecessary for the police to fire tear gas ?

[Jimbuna]

Since Conchita won Eurovision, a lot of people have been confused at the sight of a bearded lady.

Clearly, those people don't live in Leeds.

[BossMark]

My wife sent me a text last week:

'When you get home from work I'm going to strip naked and do a sexy dance for you'

So far I have accumulated 94 hours overtime.

[Jimbuna]

My mates wife called me and asked if I fancied watching some hardcore for a while.
I was well up for it. But it turned out she wanted me to make sure no one nicked their crazy paving, while they went for some concrete mix.

[magic452]

Daddy’s Call

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

Magic

[Jimbuna]

When it's sunny I think, 'beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beers.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

[BossMark]

Going to see Godzilla tonight.

God knows why I accepted to have a second date with her.

[Jimbuna]

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"

[BossMark]

I saw the postman being attacked by our next door neighbour's dog.

I thought I'd be a hero and go and help him.

Great, the dog gets off Scot free and I end up with an ABH charge.

[Jimbuna]

Always remember, the mirror never lies.

Unless it's the newspaper.

[BossMark]

A wasp flew into the living room today, so I grabbed a rolled up newspaper and handled the situation in the best possible way.

By going for a dump and leaving my wife to deal with it.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

[Sailor Steve]

^ ^ ^

Reminds me of one I heard as a kid:

Little Johnny is confronted by his dad. "Johnny, did you push the outhouse into the river?"

"Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did push the outhouse into the river."

Johnny's dad takes off his belt and gives him a thorough whipping. Crying, Johnny says "But I told the truth, dad! George Washington's father didn't whip him when he told the truth about the cherry tree!"

Johnny's dad says "George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree at the time!"

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[BossMark]

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."

"OK, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mum said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

[Jimbuna]

George W. Bush wakes up one morning, feeling good. He calls in his Vice-President.
"Dick", he says, "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I'm going to call myself King."

"You can't do that," says Cheney, "you don't have a kingdom."

"Okay then," says Bush, "what about Emperor?"

"No good. You don't have an empire."

"Prince?"

"No. America isn't a principality."

"Okay... Err... Duke?"

"Nor is it a Duchy."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" asks an exasperated Bush.

Cheney smiles. "It's obvious, George," he says. "You run a country."

[BossMark]

The wife was reclining on the sofa not feeling too well, so I made an offer to make her tea, "What do you fancy, love?" I said.

She sighed, "Hmm, I don't know. Surprise me."

Banging a saucepan with a ladle behind her head certainly done the trick.

[Jimbuna]

I was playing this fit bird in a Scrabble tournament last night when my mate texted me from the crowd and asked me to fix him up with her.

I put in a good word for him.

[BossMark]

If Amanda Holden gets one more facelift, she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently, Labour's new high-profile campaign strategist David Axelrod has been left red-faced after wrongly spelling the party leader's name but I don't know why he's so embarrassed...

Nobody would've seen it anyway.

[BossMark]

I had an argument with my girlfriend today.

Apparently, when a Jehovahs witness comes through the door, instead of killing it, you should catch it in a cup and release it outside.

[Jimbuna]

I've just thrown a tenant out of a house he was renting off me. Serves him right, playing that pet shop boys crap all day.

[BossMark]

If you're Chinese when you enter a toilet cubicle and American when you leave, what are you when you're in the cubicle?

European.

[Jimbuna]

I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"

I then wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

[BossMark]

They say a man should spend at least 3 months' salary on an engagement ring.

It's good practice for the divorce.

[Jimbuna]

Best way to freak out a car salesman:

"Is this a good getaway vehicle?"

[BossMark]

Do you know where its hard to pick up women?
Weight Watchers.

[Jimbuna]

A guy started on me in a pub, but I won the fight because I have a black belt in karate, which I strangled him with.

[BossMark]

David Beckham's son gets job in London coffee shop working for 2.68 an hour - to teach him the value of money.
I bet it really hits home when the limo picks him up after work to take him to his £40 million family home.

[Jimbuna]

British newspapers report that Brit planes are searching in the air for the missing Nigerian schoolgirls.

Well I'm glad we at least warn everyone first.

[BossMark]

I was watching a wildlife programme with my son today.
It was showing how a nymph turns into a dragonfly, by the way of metamorphosis in just a few short weeks.
My son said, "That's amazing isn't it dad, how it changes into something different within weeks."

"That's nothing son." I replied, "When I married your mum, she changed from a nymph into a cow overnight."

[Jimbuna]

Whoever invented the selfie needs to take a good look at themselves.

[BossMark]

Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumps out of nowhere, to impress her I bricked the little bugga.

I'm now single

And banned from Disneyland.

[Jimbuna]

Viagra manufacturer Pfizer has made a £69bn takeover bid for British drug company AstraZeneca.

It's a firm offer.

[BossMark]

"Emergency Services, how may I direct your call?"
"There is two girls fighting over me." said the boy.
"OK, and why is that a problem?" asked the woman at the other end.
"The fat ugly one is winning!"

[Jimbuna]

I was having a meal with my girlfriend in a restaurant and when I came back from the gents I stood infront of her and got down on one knee.
As she clasped her hand over her mouth and the other diners turned around in anticipation I reached into my pocket, looked her in the eyes and said "Jenny... Can you hold my car keys a sec, my testicles are caught up in my boxers".

[BossMark]

I've just oiled the chain on my motorbike but spilt some.

Anyone know the quickest way to clear it up before America invades my driveway?

[BossMark]

I'm already bored with my time machine, and I've only had it a year.


Probably won't bother getting it.

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying I do or I don't have enough garden furniture... I'm sitting on the fence...

[BossMark]

People used to laugh at me for being too naive.
They'll wish they hadn't when they find out I've won the Nigerian lottery twice in one week.

[Jimbuna]

I see Apple are buying one of the most famous Paris landmarks, and turning it into a Clown's Amusement Park.

They're going to call it the "iFool Tower".

[BossMark]

I was talking to a bird in a bar last night and I asked, what does she do for living.

"I'm a scientist."

I was really impressed.

Most women can't pull off sarcasm.

[BossMark]

Prince Charles has apologised to the Russian ambassador for comparing Putin to Hitler, whilst on a state visit to Canada.

He said that in future he would try to remember he's representing the Queen and not Prince Philip.

[BossMark]

I was in America last week when I got invited to a Football game by a mate. After 3 boring hours of watching some gay rugby players poncing around in padded armour and helmets, I asked my mate what time the Football kicked off.

[Oberon]

so a german installs a bath around his table…
BADUMTISCH

[HunterICX]

:rotfl2:
Ow god that's a terrible one :haha:

[Schroeder]

:rotfl2:
Ow god that's a terrible one :haha:
Indeed. Wonder how many non German speaking guys get it.:88)

[BossMark]

Looks like I'm in the doghouse again but I don't know why.

All I said to the Wife was "Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts"

[Jimbuna]

Non German speaking people probably won't be able to get it though.

Explaining jokes sucks but here goes:
Badumtisch
Bad = Bath
um = around
Tisch = Table

Indeed. Wonder how many non German speaking guys get it.:88)

I do now :up:

[Jimbuna]

Where do bees go to vote in the elections?

The pollen station.

[Schroeder]

I do now :up:
Hmm, I actually deleted that post....:hmm2:
I thought it would have been too much like holding your hand.:D

[BossMark]

I'm not saying that my wife is awkward but if I lost a stone she'd bloody moan that she was seeing less of me.

[Horst Degen]

A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early. Arriving home, he found his wife with another man. Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.
“Bill” she said, “I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode.”
“This I’ve got to hear,” the Sailor said.
“It was an honest mistake,” the mother-in -law said. ” She never got your e-mail!” :)

[BossMark]

There is absolutely no need to be sexist.

Deep down women know they're inferior.

[Jimbuna]

Hmm, I actually deleted that post....:hmm2:
I thought it would have been too much like holding your hand.:D

Not at all....always happy to learn from learned people :cool:

Nothing can not be seen by the all seeing :)

[BossMark]

My nan was the architect of her own mansion.

Check her out tonight in Gran Designs on ITV.

[Armistead]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted

[Jimbuna]

I've just stuck a tenner on Prince Charles dying of radiation poisoning within the next month.

[BossMark]

I once used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.

I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate."

[Jimbuna]

The doctor came back with my test results and said,"It pains me to say this Dave.."

"Oh God,am I dying?" I interrupted.

"No,I've got a sore throat." He replied.

[BossMark]

"You remind me of the fine red wine we had last night." I said to my wife on her 40th.

"That's sweet babe," she said,"Better with age,am I?"

"No," I replied,"You're finished."

[Jimbuna]

I don't know why people say women are bad drivers. My wife was in her car for half an hour without crashing.

That half an hour ended though, when she worked out how to turn it on.

[BossMark]

Spent most of the morning listening to Prince.

Honestly, if they don't sort that bloody dog out next door, I'll go round and sort it for them.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about Artie?

He was training to be a hit man. Worked all day at it but he could never got a paying job. Then one day a lady came along and paid Artie, who had become a bit crazy by then, to assassinate her cheating husband. The woman paid Crazy Artie $1 for his services and Artie, because it was his first job, quickly agreed.
So Artie goes to the house, rang the doorbell and when the husband answers the door, Artie reaches out and chokes the life out of the cheating husband.
Satisfied that he had done a good job and was now a proffessional hitman, Artie left the house but was seen by a mailman. Artie choked him to death also. Not good to leave witnesses.
A neighbor witnessed the strangulation of the mailman and Artie ran up to the neighbor and strangled him as well. Just then he was caught by the police.

The headlines in the local newspaper the next day:
"Artie-Chokes 3 for a Dollar!"

[BossMark]

The other night I stormed off the bus, leaving my unwanted rubbish on the back seat.

Well the argumentative bitch asked for it.

[Jimbuna]

I took my dad to the doctors today.

I said, "He's constantly complaining about his sore back, is there anything you can recommend?"

He replied, "You could get off his shoulders for a start."

[BossMark]

I was telling a girl in Asda that Liverpool has the highest Stalking rate in the UK.

Then I told her in the gym and at the bus stop!

[Jimbuna]

Last night my dad revealed in front of the whole family that he's in love with my mother's sister.

Talk about an auntie climax.

[BossMark]

Went to the Doctor to get my blood test results.
"You have the highest level of cholesterol I've ever seen." He said.
As it sank in he said, " I know this is premature, but when you die, would you consider leaving your body to me?"
A bit puzzled I replied, "You mean For research purposes?"
He smiled and said, "No, I want to hang you in the garden so the blue-tits can peck at you."

[Horst Degen]

A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep ****. :rock:

[BossMark]

My wife stormed into the living room and yelled, "I'm really pissed off, I've been called a fat bitch twice today."

I replied, "You shouldn't have bought me that parrot then."

[BossMark]

Paddy is on a quiz show.. the compare says to Paddy for £25.000.00 how do you spell alcoholic.... Paddy thinks for a while then says A...... L...... C...... O.......H........O........L.........I.........C... .... the whole room is jumping up and down with joy.. then Paddy says "K"

[Jimbuna]

I was trying to think of a good Liam Neeson joke but they're all Taken.

[BossMark]

What do you call a girl who keeps disappearing?

Heidi.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?" Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

[BossMark]

I said to my mate, "I had a dry night last night."

"What, you didn't have a drink or you didn't piss the bed?" he laughed.

"Bit of both," I replied.

[Sailor Steve]

...
Post #6098, Page 407, eight days ago. I posted a response to it. :O:

[Jimbuna]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... Looking for man with these qualifications:
- won't beat me up
- won't run away from
- is great in bed.
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[Jimbuna]

My psychiatrist said, "OK, you admit you're a sex addict and don't feel good about that, but can you say anything positive about yourself?"
"Yes," I replied. "I always wear clean underwear in case I'm unexpectedly taken to hospital."
"That's good," he said. "And why do you do that?"
"Because you never know when you might pull a nurse."

[BossMark]

I won a competition to ride as a passenger in the famous Aston Martin from the film gold finger.
I had to decline the offer though due to my fear of ejection.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a psychiatrist and asked if he could do anything for my fear of rejection.

He said, "No."

[BossMark]

Just won 50 quid in a fart lighting contest.

I blew the competition away.

[Jimbuna]

"Enter the Dragon, I've never seen that for years, can I borrow it?" My mate asked.

It's what I called mine and the wife's sex tape, but I'll let him watch it.

[BossMark]

I hate people who refuse to let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

[Jimbuna]

Last night I won the Worst Body Odour contest hands down.

No one else came close.

[BossMark]

My local takeaway are running a deal where you get your meal free if it doesn't arrive within 45 minutes.

Was quite a chase but managed to outrun the delivery man for 20 minutes in my motorhome.

[Jimbuna]

Bought some chicken drumsticks earlier.

All I need to do now is find a chicken that can play the drums.

[BossMark]

I misunderstood a simple instruction at work today. My boss said, "Are you deaf?"

I replied, "No, I have 20-20 vision."

[Jimbuna]

My wife has left me because of my addiction to pole dancing.

On the plus side, my legs and stomach have never felt so well-toned.

[BossMark]

I have a mental problem.

Or a wife, as she prefers to be called.

[Jimbuna]

A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser's.

The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.

"Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the little lad's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your dad's forgotten you".

The little lad says, "He's not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut".

[BossMark]

I had my identity stolen by the Irish Mafia who took out a series of loans in my name.

Six months later and my credit rating has improved dramatically as they haven't missed a single payment.

[Jimbuna]

Putin is still livid that Prince Charles likened him to Hitler. 'I don't go around making personal remarks about him, the jug-eared idiot' he added.

[BossMark]

Phoned up the pest controller earlier as I've got a big pest problem in the house.

My wife doesn't count apparently.

[Jimbuna]

When me and my wife first met we were very much in love.

But I soon put a stop to that by marrying her.

[BossMark]

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes of mating,

whereas human female prefers to stretch it over a life time.

[Jimbuna]

Merry Christmas everyone!

Best Wishes,
The Procrastination Society

[BossMark]

There was a knock at the door this morning, so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

[Rilder]

A Russian, an American, and a German space traveler walked into a bar. . .

The American says, "I want to be the first man on Pluto for American glory and adoration!" The German says, "I want to be the first man on Pluto for the good of humanity!" The Russian says, "I just want to get out of the cold."

[BossMark]

"You are pretty," I told my wife,"and beauty is in the lies of the beholder."

That's when the fight started.

[Jimbuna]

I was imbibing a pint of ale in a beautiful country public house when I started conversing with an attractive young lady who turned out to be the daughter of a local Earl.

Anyhow, one thing led to another and I ended up inviting her to stay on my estate for the weekend and maybe do some shooting on the Sunday, which is a traditional pastime in my area.

She agreed most enthusiastically.

Just goes to show, a few elocution lessons and anyone will come back with you to Brixton.

[BossMark]

Recent studies suggest that there might be a link between margarine consumption and divorce rates.

Makes sense. My ex-wife left me soon after she switched from "I can't believe it's not butter" to "I can't believe you're still here."

[Jimbuna]

There's this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "Oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

[BossMark]

My cat came in with a dead bird in it's mouth earlier.The neighbour's daughter in fact.

Damn you Adopt a snow leopard bastards!

[Jimbuna]

I felt very disappointed to read that Macaulay Culkin was forced off stage by people throwing pint glasses at him.

They should have shown the little bugga what it's like to be smashed in the face with a tin of paint instead.

[Jimbuna]

A piece of crap is in our back lane, and Billy the fly lands and starts munching away on it.... 2 mins later Bobby the fly lands on it and he starts eating away.. Billy says to Bobby " Hi, haven't seen you for ages" He says " Well I have been on the sick !!"

[GilligansBoat]

An irishman walks out of a bar.

HAHAHA
:har:

[GilligansBoat]

Merry Christmas everyone!

Best Wishes,
The Procrastination Society

That was a good one..... :haha: :har: :har:

[donna52522]

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

[BossMark]

A policeman pulled me over last night.

He said, "You've got no tax, your rear tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and you're not wearing a seatbelt!"

I said, "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

I said, "Hang on a minute pal, I'm on the phone."

[Jimbuna]

As I sat down opposite my date in a restaurant last night, she stared at me and said, "You look nothing like you do in your photo."

"That's because I'm not wearing a gimp mask." I replied.

"So why are you wearing one now?" she asked.

[BossMark]

The people of Liverpool will welcome a Labour government and the prospect of more immigration. A man in the street was asked what he thought of this and said,

"Lovely immigrants, coming over here and taking our jobs."

[Jimbuna]

I went to see my friend earlier and as usual let myself in without knocking. As soon as I heard him I knew something was wrong so quickly ran up behind him and gave him the heimmlich monouvere, assuming he was choking on something. The stupid bugga hadn't told me he was learning welsh so how was I to know?

[BossMark]

I've ordered myself one of those self-driving Google cars but I'm having privacy glass fitted for when I cruise the red light district.

For In Private Browsing.

[Jimbuna]

Sewing.

It's not always what it seams.

[BossMark]

Benefit office, magistrates, bookies, pub, Greg's, Anfield...

Scouse driver of a Google car adding to favourites.

[Jimbuna]

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night.

"This is my dad Roger," I said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."

"Nice to meet you," she smiled, "Who's the oldest?"

I said, "My dad."

[BossMark]

On average, British couples have sex 2-3 times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only 1-3 times a month. This is upsetting news as i had no idea i was Japanese.....

[BossMark]

Some people argue that telling jokes about Chavs is as bad as racism.

Nonsense. Chavs aren't a race.

They're a subspecies.

[Jimbuna]

There's a government warning to beware of pick-pockets during the World Cup;

That's sound advice if, like me, you're watching in the Mersey Arms, Liverpool.

[Jimbuna]

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.
"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."

[BossMark]

I spotted a fit girl at a bar last night.
"Fancy a date?" I asked.
"I don't think my boyfriend would be too happy about that" she replied.
"It's okay, he can have one too. Just remember to take the stones out."

[Jimbuna]

My mum showed me my baby photos earlier, they were terrible.

I couldn't hold the camera properly with my little hands, so all the photos were just the inside of my cot.

[BossMark]

Downloaded a game based on 1980's Brit Funk.
I can't get past level 42.

[Jimbuna]

Every time I go out to the clubs, I always dance like no one is watching.

That's because they're not.

Everyone's staring at their bloody phones.

[Jimbuna]

Spain's King Juan Carlos has abdicated, he will be succeeded by his son Two Carlos.

[BossMark]

As I looked my soon-to-be wife up and down in her wedding dress and said the words, "I do," she slapped me...

It obviously wasn't the reply she was expecting to, "Do you think my bum looks big in this?"

[Jimbuna]

I was rubbing an old lamp earlier when a genie popped out and granted me a wish.
I asked him to make me irresistable to all women.....The bugga turned me into a box of chocolates!

[BossMark]

Kate and Gerry McCann today accompanied a team of British investigators to Praia Da Luz, Portugal...here's hoping they all make it back safely.

[BossMark]

Just bought some barbecue flavoured crisps,

They taste like bricks and wire mesh.

[Jimbuna]

After months of unemployment I got accepted for training to become a hot air balloon pilot.

I'm going up in the world.

[BossMark]

I just rang Tesco customer services to complain about my assorted multipack of crisps.

I said, "I'd like to make a complaint about the flavour."

She said, "What flavour?"

I said, "Exactly."

[Jimbuna]

A recent study carried out at Leeds University says that babies can learn to love a variety of vegetables if they're introduced to them early enough.

I'm not convinced, mine hasn't stopped screaming since I swapped his teddy bear for an artichoke.

[BossMark]

The king of Spain has abdicated.

Another Juan bites the dust.

[Jimbuna]

My boss told me to put up a road sign immediately to warn people of the work ahead.
An hour later he asked why it hadn't been done.
I replied "I couldn't find any with a picture of dozen managers in brand new high visibility coats watching one bloke work."

[BossMark]

(http://www.sickipedia.org/sports/football/wayne-rooney-has-taken-advantage-of-the-england-squad-being-1571533#) Wayne Rooney has taken advantage of the England squad being in Florida by visiting Disneyland and I've just seen him surrounded by loads of Disney characters in costume.

Tweetypie didn't look too happy but Granny had a big smile on her face.

[Jimbuna]

After a recent succession of royal abdications across Europe, there are fears that the British head of state will be next to step aside.

Nonsense. Queen Elizabeth, like Elvis, with die on the throne.

[BossMark]

British feet have increased by two shoe sizes in the last four decades, according to experts. The average male foot size had grown from a size eight to 10.

Unless you work for the Police which is a size 14. to slowly walk the beat, and put the boot in......

[Jimbuna]

A powerful computer virus could start emptying bank accounts in a fortnight unless Britons protect against attack now.

Too late for me, I've already got it. Its called 'my wife'.

[BossMark]

The Chav Prayer

Our father, who are in prison
Mother knows not his name.
Thy chavdom come, thy shoplifting be done,
in JJB sports as it is in Poundland.
Give us this day our welfare bread
And forgive us our ASBOs as we happy slap those who give evidence Against us

And lead us not into employment
But deliver us free housing
For thine is the chavdom
The Burberry and the Blackberry
For ever and ever

INNIT.

[BossMark]

(http://www.sickipedia.org/other/stupid/have-you-been-drinking-my-boss-asked-angrily-no-i-1571406#) "Have you been drinking?" My boss asked angrily.

"No, I haven't touched a drop for weeks now," I replied.

Apparently I was the worst beer taster the brewery had ever employed.

[Jimbuna]

"Your dog has been barking for the last 3 hours!" I said to my neighbour this morning, "I've got a serious hangover and I'm trying to get some sleep!"

"It would probably help if you got out of his kennel." she replied.

[BossMark]

I was telling Dave in the pub "There was this story in the paper today about a girl who was killed in a car crash, she was really sexy."

"Please show a little more respect", said Dave's girlfriend.

"Okay, her breasts were great, here legs were perfect and she was a total looker."

[Jimbuna]

Scientists have found that married couples share similar DNA.

Mind you, the study was done in Norfolk.

[Schroeder]

Scientists have found that married couples share similar DNA.

Mind you, the study was done in Norfolk.
:dead:

[BossMark]

My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."

I said, "They're quite nice, you fat sod."

[Herr-Berbunch]

:dead:

Norfolk (UK, not Virginia) has a reputation for 'keeping it in the family'. They've got the waterways, just missing the banjo playing...

[Schroeder]

Norfolk (UK, not Virginia) has a reputation for 'keeping it in the family'. They've got the waterways, just missing the banjo playing...
I fully understood the joke.;)
It's just too awful.:O:

[Herr-Berbunch]

I fully understood the joke.;)
It's just too awful.:O:

Impossible, a German getting a joke, or Jim telling a bad one.

Oh, OK, you win. :03: