The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I was busting for the toilet at the petrol station, so passing the counter assistant I said, "Fill her up for me would you?"

"That'll be £302.56," he said on my return.

"What?" I exclaimed. "But the car only takes 40 litres!"

"I know, but your wife needed 58 sausage rolls."

[BossMark]

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month.
I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.

[Jimbuna]

Police have told people to keep a lookout for two men disguised as workmen clearing snow outside schools. Their names are Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter.

[BossMark]

Whoever came up with the phrase "Don't hate the player, hate the game" has clearly never met Joey Barton.

[Jimbuna]

'North Korea plans nuclear test targeting US'
At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

[BossMark]

Just walked past some protesting student nurses and they're placards read 'Student nurses say NO!'

Makes a change.

[Jimbuna]

Ever since my wife became a police informer, her life has been in serious danger.

Nobody grasses me up and gets away with it.

[Herr-Berbunch]

It only takes 3½" to please a woman. :D





It doesn't matter if it's Mastercard or Visa!

[Herr-Berbunch]

To all that received a book as a xmas gift from me - it's due back at the library today!

[Jimbuna]

Joey Barton must be one annoying bugga.

He's only been there for 6 months and the whole of France is emigrating to Newcastle.

[Navuhodonosor]

My word is always last in the house!!.....Yes Darling...

[BossMark]

I was telling my mate about my wife blowing herself up in a suicide.

"That's awful, did she leave a note?"

"No, but she did text."

"What did it say?"

"Don't forget to turn the gas off."

[Jimbuna]

I think Eden Hazard should have some kind of warning printed on the back of his football shirt so people will know he can be aggressive.

Oh wait...

[BossMark]

I was walking behind a woman in a dark alley just the two of us
then she turned to me and said. " look, I know karate "
so I replied
"thank god I was afraid I would get mugged down here "

[Jimbuna]

The people of Scotland are said to be having an identity crises after it turns out the haggis was in fact invented in Lancashire, England.
This was further confounded by the fact that the bagpipes originated in the middle east and the kilt was just something gay Gordon fancied wearing.

[BossMark]

An armed Robber has died during a bungled robbery attempt at a bookies in Plymouth..

What's the odds on that happening ?

[Jimbuna]

An Indian was arrested earlier for holding up a bank with just a whistle and a snake.

Police have charged him with charmed robbery.

[BossMark]

I've just had a go at the Postcode Lottery.

Or 'Royal Mail' as they're more commonly known.

[Jimbuna]

I smiled at her, winked and said, "Are you busy after work?"


"Yes", replied the marriage counsellor.

[BossMark]

I figure Cliff Richard will be the next name in the child sex scandal.

I heard back in the '60s he filmed the young ones while in the shadows .

[Jimbuna]

So I went to the Red Cross, I said I'd like to buy a stretcher.
The man said "Would you like to try it out first?"
I said "Nah I don't wanna get carried away"

[BossMark]

I told my blonde daughter we needed to talk.

She was puzzled and asked why

I said "Because its the easiest way for humans to communicate with each other."

[Jimbuna]

As I sat down with a cup of tea to watch a porno, my flatmate laughed and said,

"You want to be careful mate, you'll go blind."

I laughed, but he was right.

I'd left the spoon in the cup.

[Sailor Steve]

I was cruising down the highway. I reached for my big glass of soda. I bumped the glass and it started to spill. I panicked and grabbed for it, losing control of the wheel, and ran off the road into a tree.

I've decided they were right - drinking and driving don't mix.

[Jimbuna]

Just replied to an ad offering me hot sex with an older woman.

Should be interesting. I am 86.

[BossMark]

A farmer goes to see his neighbour and the door is opened by his youngest son.

"Is your Dad home?" askes the farmer.

"No sir," replies the boy, "he went into town to get some feed."

"How about your Mother?"

"No sir," says the boy, "she went with Dad."

"How about Steve?" presses the farmer, "is he here?"

"No sir, he's with mum and dad too. Look, is there anything I can do? I know where all the machinery is, if you need to borrow something, or I can give dad a message."

"Not really, son," says the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad about your Steve getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment and replied, "I guess you need to see Dad about that. I know he charges £300 for the bull and £50 for the ram, but I don't know how much he'd charge for Steve."

[Jimbuna]

A man pulled up beside me in his car and asked, "I'm looking for a magician who can perform the transported man."

I replied, "Great, get in."

[BossMark]

My girlfriend told me she went through my internet search history today.

It was so embarrassing. Now she knows that I can't spell properly.

[Jimbuna]

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

[BossMark]

I received a letter today from my friend in prison but when I opened it the only thing written on the paper was a full stop.

I think he must be getting to the end of his sentence.

[Jimbuna]

Tesco has anounced that from now on, they are to DNA check their meat products on a regular basis.

That's a bit like closing the fridge door after the burgers have bolted.

[BossMark]

I was on a first date and we were chatting getting to know each other.

She said, "I absolutely adore animals."

"Yeah, me too," I said. "I actually work with them."

"Aw, that's nice," she smiled. "Are you a veterinarian?"

I replied, "No, I work in an animal testing research lab."

[Jimbuna]

Newcastle United beat Aston Villa yesterday. A rare victory for France

[BossMark]

Just watching skyfall,
10 minutes in and all I've worked out is women can't drive, shoot and certainly can't sing.

[Jimbuna]

It's a fair bet that David Beckham will struggle with the French language.

So that's English and French he is going to be knackered with then.

[Herr-Berbunch]

It's a fair bet that David Beckham will struggle with the French language.

So that's English and French he is going to be knackered with then.



It'll be fine, 'Royale with Cheese' is all he's got to say.

Well that's his wife's introduced . . .

[Jimbuna]

"Are you nearly ready?", I shouted upstairs to my wife.

"I'm just going to change", she replied.

I don't know why she says that, she never bloody well changes.

[BossMark]

David Beckham donating his 5 months wages at PSG to help the starving and Malnourished.

What a lovely family man he is, thinking of his wife even when signing for a new team.

[Jimbuna]

"Would you like anything on your chips?"

"Does it cost extra?"

"Ten pence."

"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie."

[BossMark]

As I stood at the bar holding my pint last night, I took a big gulp and started choking.

Eventually, after having a serious coughing fit, I spat a two pence piece into the palm of my hand and said to the barman, "What the god is that doing in my pint?"

"I think it's time you went home," he said, "That's the charity collection tin."

[Jimbuna]

'David and Victoria Beckham to star in a new reality TV programme'

An Idiot, A Broad.

[BossMark]

David Beckham is busy learning French before his move to Paris.

Victoria bought him a box set of Allo Allo.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is REALLY angry with me.

Because I didn't know why she was angry with me in the first place...

[BossMark]

I started my new job as an inspector on the trains today and right off the belt, threw some guy off for not having a ticket.

Not sure why but the train didn't move again after that.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into Burger King and asked for a whopper.

"Certainly sir", said the assistant, "Our burgers contain no horse meat."

[Jimbuna]

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tbit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

[BossMark]

My wife's upset as she's lost her job today and her mum died yesterday.

She just went outside with the car keys and hosepipe.

Well, if washing the car takes her mind off of it all then I'm not going to stand in her way.

[Jimbuna]

"Man Tasered outside Buckingham Palace"

Prince Philip said 'That will stop the Middletons bothering us on a Sunday again, bloody in laws'

[BossMark]

The inventor of Etch A Sketch, Andre Cassagnes, has died in France. No one knows how or why.

We'll just have to draw our own conclusions.

[Jimbuna]

The sexy lawyer was discussing my defence strategy with me.

"You know", I said to her, "you look a lot like my eighth victim."

"How many women have you raped?", she asked.

"Seven", I replied.

[BossMark]

I'll never forget the day my wife gave birth.

Due to the horrible voice mails I got from my mother-in-law that ruined my holiday.

[Jimbuna]

A man walked down the road when he heard an echoing group of voices from the sewers below. He spotted bars on the floor so he walked over to it. Curious, He bent down to see what they were shouting, then he realised they were shouting "13!". As he bent down a long, wooden pole hit him in the face then they all started shouting "14! 14!".

[BossMark]

"Match-fixing: Champions League tie played in England 'was fixed'"

'No idea what you're talking about' Said Alex Ferguson as he bundled Howard Webb into a taxi.

[TarJak]

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"

[BossMark]

^^^^^^
:huh::hmmm::)



After criminal investigations, turns out there was a series of Champions league games fixed last season....

How else could Chelsea be champions of Europe.

[Jimbuna]

My dad had a really skillful way of avoiding arguments in our house.

He left when I was 2.

[BossMark]

I've just promised my wife I'll treat her like royalty.

I'm burying the bitch under a car park.

[TarJak]

A man walks into the Australian Liberal Party office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Liberal M.P."

The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you
circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"

She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible"

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

She replied...."To become an Liberal M.P. you have to be a complete prick

[Jimbuna]

So here I am, stationary in a Car Park in Leicester, A Traffic Warden has just approached me and asked me if I knew anybody by the name of Richard, apparently he has a 'bone' to pick with him!

[BossMark]

The remains found in a Leicester car park have been confirmed to be those of Richard III.

Closer examination has revealed that he wasn't a hunchback at all. It appears the claims may have originated simply because he was buried under a disabled space.

[Jimbuna]

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.

"You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."

"I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"

[BossMark]

So Rebecca Adlington has retired at 23. That's not unusual, my wife retired at 21.

The day we got married.

[Jimbuna]

So DNA tests confirm that Richard III is the last Englishman to be found in Leicester.

[BossMark]

Watching Richard III: King In The Car Park, reminds me of the first date I took my girlfriend on.

We had a Burger King in the car park.

[Jimbuna]

Sky News: 'Liverpool play in fixed in Champions League match'

Presumably, the main source of evidence is that Liverpool won the game

[TarJak]

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"

[Jimbuna]

My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.

After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my urine and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.

So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

[BossMark]

My parents have admitted to me that the night I was conceived they were both really drunk on weak Aussie piss.

It's never nice finding out you are a Fosters child.

[Jimbuna]

Richard III won't be the last bloke to have his face reconstructed after leaving a pub car park in Leicester.

[BossMark]

"I wouldn't throw your new barmaid out of bed," I said to the landlord at my local.

"You should talk to my wife." he replied. "She did this morning."

[Jimbuna]

Just played Cluedo, the Tudor edition.

Henry VII did it, with a shovel, in the car park

[BossMark]

On their wedding day women say "I Do"

...if my wife is anything to go by

...they don't.

[Jimbuna]

So David Cameron has been struggling over a decision on gay marriage tonight.

Suppose it was only a matter of time before Nick proposed.

[BossMark]

Chris Huhne wishes he could 'turn back the clock'.
Which let's face it is yet another serious motoring offence.

[Wolferz]

A 93 year old women decided one day that she had been around long enough. She was lonely, sickly and always in pain, so she finally decided to just get it over with. She contemplated the method for a long while and finally decided to shoot herself through the heart. She called the doctors office and asked the nice girl at the desk where her heart was located. The nurse replied " immediately behind your left breast." The old gal thanked her and hung up with a sigh,pulled
her late husbands pistol out and pointed it at the described location, then pulled the trigger.
The headline in the local newspaper the next day read as follows...

LOCAL WOMAN 93 ATTEMPTS SUICIDE
SHOOTS SELF IN LEFT KNEE.

[Sailor Steve]

That one's probably as old as I am. And that's got to be at least the third time it's been told on this thread.

[Wolferz]

That one's probably as old as I am. And that's got to be at least the third time it's been told on this thread.


Hello?
Department of redundancy department.

My apologies...
Is your Gramma able to walk yet?:har:

I'll just step outside. You coming?:stare:

[BossMark]

Jamie Carragher is retiring from football. Sky Sports will have an interview with him later today.

Subtitles will be available via the red button.

[Wolferz]

A reporter for a local rag was sent to the areas nursing home to interview an older gentleman and his wife on their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
The reporter starts by asking the husband; "What do you think is the reason for the longevity of your union?"

The old gentleman thought for a moment and said; "Let me tell you a story my dear and it should all be clear."
My wife and I were married fifty years ago and we honey mooned at the Grand Canyon. On the second day, we went on one of those mule rides from the rim into the canyon. As we plodded along side by side on the narrow path, my new bride's mule tripped on a stone and interrupted her as she was speaking to me. She looked at the mule holding her index finger up and said "That's once" We continued on down the path conversing as we went. After a very short time, her mule stumbled a second time, again interrupting her in mid sentence. She looked at the mule very crossly this time holding up two fingers and said; "That's twice"
As we neared the floor of the canyon, still talking of our future plans together her mule stumbled a third time, again interrupting her speach. Then she reached in her purse and pulled out a pistol and shot the mule dead in its tracks.

The reporter, looking astonished then asks the old groom;" My god sir! Did you protest her ill treatment of that animal?"
The old fellow responded; Young lady. My wife was still blessing that animal down at that moment and I interrupted her and started telling her of my displeasure with her actions. Then she looked at me with that index finger in the air and said: That's Once!" We've been very happy.

[BossMark]

The ironic thing is at this rate, the only food not containing horse will be horseradish sauce.

[Jimbuna]

What do fat women get for Valentine's Day?

Depressed.

[BossMark]

After weeks of trying to get a date with this beautiful girl that I work with, she finally gave in to my charm.

She said that she is free on the 29th February for a romantic date.

[Jimbuna]

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No I'm not." I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

[fireftr18]

After weeks of trying to get a date with this beautiful girl that I work with, she finally gave in to my charm.

She said that she is free on the 29th February for a romantic date.

I've been told that before too. :hmm2:

[BossMark]

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...

How the god did two sticks win?

[Jimbuna]

Was at the doctors earlier today .... He said I should watch what I eat ..... So I'm going to the Grand National this year

[BossMark]

I've always really liked horses,

apparently.

[Jimbuna]

When asked about horse meat being found in there lasagne a spokesperson said,

''We didn't think you would Findus furlong''.

[BossMark]

The inquiry into care standards at Stafford Hospital has found staff were to blame for over 1,200 needless patient deaths, but has recommended that no prosecutions be brought.

It makes you think the only thing Harold Shipman really did wrong was opening his own practice.

[Jimbuna]

I came home from a long day at work only to find my wife sitting on the couch, alone.

"Where are the kids?" I asked

"At their Nan's for the night, and you know what that means..." she said with a wink.

"Yes indeed." I replied, "I only have you to get rid of."

[BossMark]

I said to my mate, "I was chatting to 2 fat birds last night and I had them like putty in my hands."

He said "That's called groping."

[Jimbuna]

Just to be on the safe side I've taken my lemon mousse back to Sainsburys.

[BossMark]

So there's not much beef in beef burgers or lasagne.

Now I'm beginning to doubt whether they really make veggie burgers out of vegetarians

[Jimbuna]

I'm more suprised that a findus lasagne has 100% of any kind of meat in it.

[BossMark]

"You remind me so much of my ex-wife", I said to the prostitute in my bed.


"Don't get any ideas", she said, "I need to get some sleep."

[Jimbuna]

The government say that the horse meat scandal probably has a criminal connection - I'd suggest the investigations start in Sicily.

[BossMark]

A sticker on the box proudly advised Findus Lasagne as 'Britain's Favourite Lasagne"

Future boxes will be marked as "6/1 second favourite"

[Jimbuna]

I walked in to the house to find my parents dead and my brother with a gun in his hand, still smoking.

"I thought you'd quit." I said to him, as I went upstairs

[BossMark]

My bank is really on top of things. They just called to find out if my credit cards have been nicked. Apparently they noticed a change in spending habits.

They became concerned when I hadn't been to the pub in over a week.

[Jimbuna]

I saw my mate coming back from the shops pushing a huge trolley full of frozen Lasagne.

"What are you doing with all that?" I asked him.

"My six year old daughter wants a horse for her birthday," he replied, "so I'm telling her I've bought one in kit form and she just has to put it together."

[BossMark]

Chinese New Year 10th February, the Year of the Snake although already trace of horse has been found.

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: Minister Questions Horsemeat Origins.

I'm not an expert, but I'd assumed it was horses...

[BossMark]

The boss of the Findus has made a statement saying "horse and cow are a very similar beast"

He's clearly never tried to win a show jumping contest on a cow.

[Jimbuna]

A lot of people seem to be talking about Findus Lasagne recently.

What's their beef?

[BossMark]

I think I have upset the Mafia.

I woke up this morning with a Findus beef lasagne in my bed.

[Jimbuna]

During the government meeting with food officials, it was asked, 'If there are any plans to test for other meat such as dog?'
The officials said that they 'wouldn't give any Ruff estimates until Labradory tests were complete', and added, 'we could be barking up the wrong tree'.

[BossMark]

In spite of the recent scandal - Consumers still prefer Tesco value burgers above those offered by rival supermarkets.
This is according to a recent poll conducted by Gallup.

[Jimbuna]

I'd just like to offer my congratulations to Richard III for beating Osama Bin Laden's hide and seek record.

[BossMark]

It turns out that the horse meat scandal was all a big misunderstanding.

The CEO of the meat company has since sacked his head buyer, saying "I told you to research new markets for supplies, not bloody Newmarket.

[Jimbuna]

My Findus lasagne states it "May Contain Nuts"

Well, at least I'm not eating a gelding.

[BossMark]

So a Sri Lankan inmate caught hiding a phone up his arse after guards heard it ringing whilst searching his cell

Bet it was someone ringing to ask if he had been mis-sold PPI...

[Jimbuna]

My wife has recently started referring to me as the 'Italian Stallion'.

I'm putting it down to all the lasagne she keeps feeding me.

[BossMark]

It looks like 2013 is going to be a unlucky year for findus.

Despite all the horse shoes they have.

[Jimbuna]

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."

Then when people ask me what it means...

[BossMark]

David Coulthard's sister has been found dead.
I hope David isn't driving the hearse, it'll either be off at the first bend or break down with engine trouble.

[Jimbuna]

Snow never lasts for very long in this country.

I thought, sitting half way down the hill on my sledge.

[BossMark]

"Excuse me", I said to the assistant in Tesco, "I'm very conscious of the environmental impact of our food and I was hoping you could tell me how far these lasagne's have travelled?"

"I couldn't give you an exact answer I'm afraid", he replied, "But I'm guessing it's not much more than eight furlongs."

[Jimbuna]

Can't wait for a supermarket to be found to be selling goat meat. I can just see the headline. TESCO SELLS KIDS.

[BossMark]

I was kidnapped by a gang earlier and tortured in the most inhumane way.

They made me watch Aston Villa v West Ham.

[Jimbuna]

Michael J Fox and Mohammed Ali met for the first time yesterday.

They're still shaking hands.

[BossMark]

Record breaking jockey Tony McCoy set a new record today when Findus confirmed he'd partially eaten 68% of his winners

[Schroeder]

David Coulthard's sister has been found dead.
I hope David isn't driving the hearse, it'll either be off at the first bend or break down with engine trouble.
I find it a bit tasteless to make fun of that....but that's just me I guess.:-?

[spydar1959]

In the Old West, this big old gunfighter walk into a bar. He pushes this way up to the middle of the bar, and then his big booming voice says "Everyone on my left is a M*THER F*CKER, and everyone on my right is a GOD DAM QU*ER!". Suddenly the gunfighter hears footsteps behind him. He swings around, pulling out his gun, and says "Where the HELL are you going?". And the guys swishy voice answers back "I'm sorry sir, I'm on the wrong side."

[BossMark]

The Brit Awards dress code says guests are not allowed to show any arse. Does this mean Samantha Cameron has to leave David at home?

[Jimbuna]

News just in: Officers from Operation Yewtree spotted at Vatican.

[BossMark]

How many times have we all said, "I'm starving, I could eat a horse"

Now we're all bloody moaning about it!

[Jimbuna]

I suppose I'll get my wife the usual dozen snowdrops for Valentines day.

I know roses are more traditional but they don't grow in the park this time of year.

[Herr-Berbunch]

The Brit Awards dress code says guests are not allowed to show any arse. Does this mean Sarah Cameron has to leave David at home?

Who is Sarah Cameron? I know of a Samantha, but not a Sarah. :O:

[BossMark]

Who is Sarah Cameron? I know of a Samantha, but not a Sarah. :O:
Good point :ping: for some reason I have the name Sarah on my mind

[Herr-Berbunch]

Good point :ping: for some reason I have the name Sarah on my mind

I have Georgia on my mind.

[BossMark]

So, Rupert Murdoch is considering axing Page 3 of The Sun.

He should axe pages 1-2 and 4-76 while he's at it.

[Jimbuna]

Having Barack Obama's initials must stink.

[AVGWarhawk]

Having Barack Obama's initials must stink.

That's offal.

[Jimbuna]

That's offal.

Or rubbish even :)

[BossMark]

A horse walks into a bar.
"Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."
"He's right," sighs Richard III

[Jimbuna]

Frank Lampard has signed a deal to write children's books loosely based on friends and teammates.

"One day John went round to Wayne's house...."

[Herr-Berbunch]

I spent last night in a inner-city hotel in Leeds (or Newcastle - take your pick), I had a rubbish nights sleep as some locals were playing football with a cat outside my window.

I was going to phone the RSPCA until the cat went one up.

[Jimbuna]

I was at my brothers house to see my nephew on his 9th birthday yesterday. After he had opened all of his presents, I secretly took him to one side without anyone noticing.

"Here you go mate!" I whispered

"Wow!" he replied, shocked "Fifty pounds!"

"Yeah but listen, don't tell your dad about this."

"Why, don't you want him to know how much you've given me?"

"No" I said "It's his."

[BossMark]

After yesterdays defeat to West Brom, it must be strange for scousers to be on the wrong end of a 'smash and grab'.

[Jimbuna]

Celtic and the pope have a lot in common...

They'll both be out come the end of February.

[BossMark]

My friend's just returned to Britain after five years living abroad.
On his first weekend back, I asked him what he wanted to do.
"Why don't we go to HMV so I catch up on all the music I've missed the past few years, then head over to Woolworths, grab some pick n mix, then stop off at Blockbuster to rent a film for the evening?" he said.
"Erm, slight problem with that", I replied.
"What?" he said.
"Your house has been repossessed."

[Jimbuna]

I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

[BossMark]

I'd love to see David Attenborough try and explain the creatures on Jeremy Kyle.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen the pictures of kate Middleton on the beach. Reminded me of two pancakes, and a bun in the oven.....

[BossMark]

So now there's going to be some daring raids on slaughter houses to see what's really going on....


They would send in the cavalry, but the horses are already there apparently.

[Jimbuna]

Just been and bought Horse and Hound magazine from the supermarket. Its Tescos all new English and Korean cook book.

[BossMark]

Some people never listen. I told Oscar Pistorious' girlfriend that "Cat Burglar" was not the best idea for a Valentine's Day outfit.

[Jimbuna]

Valentine's Day is a day where a lot of married men are reminded what a bad shot Cupid was.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't sneak up on,
Oscar Pistorious.

[BossMark]

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

[Jimbuna]

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.

Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

[Jimbuna]

The thing about skiing is, at first, it's an uphill struggle but then it's downhill all way.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I got my usual Valentine's card from Moonpig.

She hates it when I call her that.

[BossMark]

Kinda makes sense now, that Coronation Street writers didn't want to name the garage 'Kev'll Fix It'.

[Jimbuna]

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 year and when he gets released...Bang! President of South Africa. That's how it works over there, right?

[BossMark]

Manchester United winger Nani has been involved in a car accident with a police vehicle. What's the betting that Nani's car rolled over without being touched.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently I am a marvellous wife. According to my husband, I deserve an Oscar...

[BossMark]

Why all the fuss about the NHS paying off a whistle blower?

Man Utd have been doing it for years.

[Jimbuna]

Angela Merkel was talking to David Cameron and she told him, "The pied piper was not just a legend you know he is real." And with that she introduced him to a funny little man who was playing a flute. "Hello he said it's more pest control nowadays but it still works. This flute charms rats and mice into drowning themselves, this other one works on cockroaches and insects and this one works on all the stray dogs and cats in the city. I also have one that works on people" " What use would that be" said Cameron. "Why do you think we have no working class " said the piper.

[BossMark]

I was watching the football this afternoon when my wife came storming towards me, and yelling at the top of her voice...

"This morning you told me we were going to spend the day together and go for dinner"

I couldn't help but feel sorry for her, but had to wonder....

How the bloody hell did she get through the turnstile without a ticket?

[Jimbuna]

Just discovered that my Lion Bar is 20% tiger.

[BossMark]

My wife drives me nuts.

After years of hearing "NO!NO!NO!" to sex, I've stopped asking...

Now it's, "You never want sex any more, don't you love me? Aren't I sexy enough for you?"

Now it's my turn to say, "NO!"

[BossMark]

The guy who got lost in the Australian outback claims to have survived by drinking piss.

Talk about bad luck! Found the only pub there and all they served was Fosters.

[Jimbuna]

I was late coming into work again and the boss was furious.

She called me into the office and said, "What's your excuse this time?"

"Slept in," I shrugged.

"For heavens sake, at least tell me something I haven't heard before!"

I replied, "You're looking lovely today."

[BossMark]

Apparently Face book may allow kids under 13 to join.
The Chinese government has lodged a complaint saying that none of their workers will get anything done now.

[Jimbuna]

I've written a book called, "101 Ways To Revive The High Street".

It's available on Kindle from Monday.

[Sailor Steve]

My wife drives me nuts.

After years of hearing "NO!NO!NO!" to sex, I've stopped asking...

Now it's, "You never want sex any more, don't you love me? Aren't I sexy enough for you?"

Now it's my turn to say, "NO!"
Too true! Women are like cats. They like to be held, but only when it's their idea. :sunny:

[BossMark]

I listened to woman's hour on Radio 4 yesterday.

It was three hours long.

[Jimbuna]

I've just tried selling a load of frozen lasagne down the market.

Honestly, it was like trying to flog a dead horse.

[BossMark]

Apparently Man United have 659 million fans.

That leaves about 6.4 billion people that bloody hate them then.

[Jimbuna]

Arsne Wenger finally cracked yesterday and accused people of hating Arsenal football club and wanting to see them fail.

I can't believe it's taken him 16 years to figure that out.

[BossMark]

Well I guess we should count ourselves lucky Oscar Pistorius was competing in the mens 400m at the Olympics and not Starting it.

[Jimbuna]

It would appear Tesco's are in trouble again. They have now discovered Human DNA in Welsh lamb.

[Jimbuna]

I returned my Findus lasagne today, after the meat in it it failed to meet customer expectations.

It was 100% beef.

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorious' defence has more holes in it than his bathroom door.

[Jimbuna]

A findus spokesman explained tonight that products from findus will no longer be labeled with calories.

Now it's horsepower

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius has been set free.

Prosecutions case failed after their opening speech, when they claimed the bathroom door was kicked open.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a man with no legs?

Nothing at all... He might shoot you.

[BossMark]

I have just watched the remake of the A-Team for the first time. Didn't think they could possibly have found someone who could do Mr T as well as the man himself...

but actually I thought Serena Williams was pretty convincing in the role.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the hobo that was caught selling a dodgy magazine to a Police Officer in town the other day?

No?

Oh well, it wasn't a Big Issue anyway...

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius is a "flight risk"

Damned right. The last thing you want to do on a jet at 38,000 feet is to shoot a gun into the bathroom.

[Jimbuna]

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow.

Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

[spydar1959]

A young couple had just got married and are going on their honeymoon. They are driving way out in the country when they run out of gas. So they walk down the road awhile and find an old farm. The old farmer living there tells them he has not got any gas, but he will hook up the horse and buggy tomorrow and take them into town. The young couple tell him that they are on their honeymoon and can't wait that long. The old farmer tells them he understands, he was married once a long time ago. He tells them they can use the room upstairs and he will call them in the morning. The young couple thank him and shoot up the stairs. The next morning the old farmer yells up the stairs" What are you two doing up there?" The young guy's voice answers back "We are eating the fruits of love!" The old farmer yells back "I don't care what you are eating. Quit throwing the skins out the window,it choking the chickens!"

[BossMark]

Women want a man who is kind, generous and hard working...

This ensures she won't have to do much more than lie around the house bitching about everything, popping out babies and expecting money to appear out of thin air.

[spydar1959]

I see you have met my ex. :/\\chop

[Jimbuna]

Fears of an expected surge of millions of Romanians into the UK have abated as we have eaten all of their transport.

[BossMark]

He got bail?? you're taking the Pistorious!!

[Jimbuna]

My wife's been missing for two days, so I phoned the police.

They asked for a description of her then immediately ruled out kidnapping and rape.

[breadcatcher101]

Labor union rep walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obamas victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union rep.

The union rep once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union man once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union man asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[Jimbuna]

My 12-year-old son said to me, "Dad, there are a couple of magazines I want at the shop but I'm a bit short."


I said, "They're up high for a reason."

[BossMark]

Oscar Pitorius's case has been compared to OJ Simpson's after police found a pair of socks that don't fit

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying I'm ugly, but in prison the other inmates made me shower alone in case I dropped the soap.

[BossMark]

As I opened another bottle of beer I could sense my wife's disapproving glare.

" Oh, don't start," I said, "It's a funeral. Everyone has a drink or two at a funeral."

"Most people wait until the crematorium part has finished!" She hissed.

[BossMark]

Newcastle City Council have also had their credit rating down graded to "Y I"

[Jimbuna]

I was on the phone to a friend and I became concerned he was having a stroke, turns out he was simply reading an Ikea catalogue out loud.

[Jimbuna]

Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney is facing a night in hospital after choking on a dismantled Rubik's Cube at his Cheshire home.
Speaking from outside the People's Dispensary for Sick Animals (PDSA) in Warrington where Rooney is recuperating following the incident, his wife Colleen explained what had happened.
She said, "I'd gone out to get Wayne some dinner from the local pet shop and when I arrived home I found him choking on the floor of his cage. I thought 'What's he gone and tried to eat now?' It was then that I noticed pieces of our son Kai's Rubik's Cube all over the floor. Kai must've taken it apart without me noticing. Anyway, Wayne thought the pieces were square Skittles. He loves Skittles does our Wayne. The idea of a new type of Skittles got him over-excited. He managed to reach through the bars of his cage to get his hands on the pieces and tried to eat them. After some quick thinking I performed the hymen manoeuvre on him and a couple of the little coloured blocks shot out of his mouth and across the room into the swing bin. Wayne's always had an excellent aim."
Rooney, who was recently mistaken for a chimp dressed in a tracksuit by a group of school children while on a trip to Twycross zoo with his family, is believed to be the first person to ever attempt to eat the popular 80's brain teasing puzzle after thinking it was confectionary.
Colleen did reveal that this isn't the first time her husband has done something like this. She said, "I was learning to play the bugle last year until Wayne tried to eat it thinking it was a bagel. He gets confused by words sometimes. Mind you, the bugle thing was funny. Some of the noises he was making with it stuck in his throat were hilarious."
She also confirmed that she'd confiscated his KerPlunk. Explaining why, she told us, "Knowing Wayne he'll probably try to eat that as well. To him it looks like little pickled onions on cocktail sticks. It's best to be on the safe side. After all, he's worth a fortune."
Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment as he's busy putting a new plug on his hairdryer in preparation for Rooney's return.

[Sailor Steve]

After some quick thinking I performed the hymen manoeuvre on him and a couple of the little coloured blocks shot out of his mouth and across the room into the swing bin. Wayne's always had an excellent aim.
Should that be 'Heimlich' maneuver, or am I missing the point?

[breadcatcher101]

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course,
Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into
An Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish
Manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees
Fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?"
Asks the attendant.

They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"
Inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when
I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jesus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims
The Irish attendant. "Those fellas at
Mercedes think of everything."

[BossMark]

Can't believe there holding a awards ceremony in honour of that guy who killed his girlfriend to night

[Jimbuna]

Should that be 'Heimlich' maneuver, or am I missing the point?

I belive it's an intentional but subtle play on words...in this case suggesting he is more woman like. Earlier in the piece there is a suggestion he is more animal-like than human then ends with a hint he is infantile in his life skills.

Probably thought up by someone who doesn't support Manchester United and in hindsight perhaps better suited for posting on a British forum.

[Jimbuna]

Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.

[BossMark]

South African police have installed state of the art technology outside the bail address of Oscar Pistorius to ensure he doesn't leave.

A cattle grid.

[Jimbuna]

The odd things about being Pope?

You're in your office, sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss's son

[Jimbuna]

I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:

"I couldn't believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby."

"It was a typo" she said, "I'm really into walking, please pull your trousers up."

[BossMark]

I can't understand why the Swansea fans are getting all excited about playing in Europe.

They play outside of their own country every other week.

[Jimbuna]

This charity begging is beginning to get ridiculous: Save the Children, Save the Panda, Save the Rainforest.......... Now a sign in Tesco wants me to Save the Coupons for a Free Carving Knife.

[BossMark]

So Ikea have found horse in their meatballs.
I would've been more shocked if they said they had wood in their furniture.

[Bearly Able]

Thanks for the jokes people! Good clean fun can be useful too; shower with a friend and be happy!:yeah:

[Jimbuna]

I was in my local earlier today and was much surprised to see a fish playing the piano. Well it wasn't so much playing as going through the scales.

It was a tuna.

[BossMark]

Explorer Sir Randolph Fiennes has had to pull out of an expedition across Antarctica hailed as the last great polar challenge because of severe frostbite.

Nonsense. I reckon he just got cold feet.

[Jimbuna]

"Sarge, we've got Mr Smith at last!" said this copper. "Caught red handed smoking a crack pipe!"

"I think you'll find you're fighting a lossing battle Mr custody sargeant!" I said. "Tests will show I was only smoking a few crushed snail shells!"

"Good work lads! Misuse of slugs act it is."

[BossMark]

"Woman Climbs Everest Twice In A Week"

That will teach her to leave her handbag at the summit.

[Jimbuna]

I don't get why Usain Bolt is called the fastest man 'alive'.
No one who is dead is going to beat him.

[BossMark]

France's away kit for this year has been announced!!.... I can't wait for Newcastle to wear it.

[Jimbuna]

I was lying on the doctors examination table today when she asked, "How is your libido?"

"My what?" I replied

"Libido." she said, "Do you feel like having sex?"

"Ok," I replied, "but we'll need to be quick, my wife is waiting in the car"

[BossMark]

After a date with a homeless girl, I took her back to mine and said "would you like to spend the night here?"

"I would love to" she said.

"Great," I replied, "well just make yourself feel at home."

She gave me a look of disgust and slept in the garden.

[Jimbuna]

"Traces of horsemeat found in stock cubes"!

Well, OXO did win the Grand National in 1959!

[BossMark]

What's blue and kills women?...

A pregnancy testing kit at Oscar Pistorius' house.

[Jimbuna]

Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year.

But for some reason the authorities think that's too high for a dentist.

[BossMark]

I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin them for everybody else.

I bloody hate referees.

[Jimbuna]

One Direction were awarded the Global Success award. But to put that in perspective, last year that award was won by Bird Flu...

[BossMark]

My mate just said, "What would be the slowest, most painful way to die?"

I said, "Being trampled to death by a herd of giant tortoises."

[Jimbuna]

Lying in bed,listening to the Doors.

I really should oil the hinges.

[BossMark]

The members of boyband One Direction have today been charged with two accounts of murder.

This comes after they killed both Blondie's 'One Way or Another' and The Undertones' 'Teenage Kicks'.

[Jimbuna]

A woman driving an unknown car was found dead after taking her own life. Investigations are continuing but Police say they still don't know what drove her to do it.

[BossMark]

Just opened my Electric bill and my Water bill at the same time.

I was completely shocked.

[Jimbuna]

Iain Duncan-Smith: In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.

I think he's referring to Buckingham Palace.

[BossMark]

After a night of passion,Oscar Pretorios' new girlfriend snuggles in and asks " Oscar,did you really mean to kill her ?"....
"Why,,do you really need to know the truth ?"he asks....
" No not really,but I'm bursting for a piss ....."

[Jimbuna]

I was at work this morning thinking, 'This place is the pits.'

I hate being a miner.

[BossMark]

So The Queen has the squirts, eh?

At least she'll get plenty of sympathy from Philip, he's had verbal diarrhoea for as long as anyone can remember.

[Jimbuna]

My new job mostly involves working from peoples homes. I get well paid and only have to put in a couple of hours a week.

It's great being a burglar.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend bought me a set of golf clubs for my birthday.

I can't wait for someone to break into my house so that I can try them out.

[Jimbuna]

For my son's 18th birthday, I took him to a strip club. His mum went mad when she found out.

In fairness, I should've told her we'd be turning up.

[BossMark]

I placed an online order for my daughters birthday, she wanted One Direction's latest album.

After placing the order, it gave me the recommendation of "People who bought this, also bought a chair and a noose."

[Jimbuna]

First Korea had "Gangnam style."

Then we had America's "Harlem Shake."

Can't see South Africa's "Taxi Driver drag" taking off though.

[BossMark]

Meat Pies tested in Iceland contain NO horse meat...or NO meat of ANY kind...

In Iceland, even corruption is environmental-friendly.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend brought me breakfast in bed served on a satellite dish this morning.

Everything was fine except the eggs. They were scrambled.

[BossMark]

I sued my local Aldi, after I injured my ankle slipping on a fresh dog poop in the store entrance.

I lost the case though. The court didn't accept the idea that there'd be something fresh in Aldi.

[Jimbuna]

I'm looking for a job as a local tree surgeon.

Unfortunately, there aren't any branches in my area.

[Jimbuna]

For sale: Two bananas. May split.

[BossMark]

Now that the Queen has been admitted to hospital, Australian radio DJs have been advised to turn their phones off.

[Jimbuna]

Prince Charles has no hope of finding out how his mother is. Whenever he rings up the Hospital now they just hang up on him.

[BossMark]

Another blow for the Royal family about the Queen getting gastroenteritis over the weekend.

They've just heard it's common.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I got fired today, for downloading porn on the work computer causing everything to crash.

They don't muck around in air traffic control.

[BossMark]

For the first time in court today, I heard the frantic 999 call my wife made to the police before her attacker broke the door down and killed her. I can still hear her terrified screams.

They let me download it as a ringtone for my phone.

[Jimbuna]

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." *wink*

"Yes, I guess I did."

"Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"

"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!"

[BossMark]

My grandmother has been told by the council that she has to downsize or pay extra for the spare bedrooms.

She really doesn't need all this at the moment, she's only just recovering from gastroenteritis.

[Jimbuna]

Don't die a virgin. Seriously don't. There are terrorists waiting up there for you.

[BossMark]

Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.

The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.

"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"