The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I've started killing pigeons with a baseball hat.

That's another feather in my cap.

[Jimbuna]

A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.

Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.

[BossMark]

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mum calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

[Jimbuna]

My boss called me into his office and said, "You haven't done much work today have you? and I know for a fact you've been asleep."

"I can assure you I haven't" I replied. "What makes you think that?"

Because I can see the keyboard imprint on your forehead."

[BossMark]

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for £500, they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

[BossMark]

Q: You’re trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an ManU Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the ManU Fan. Twice.

[BossMark]

n American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.The war-weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest but, after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.Again he asked, “Please, lady, may I sit there? I’m very tired.”The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing: you eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your ‘auto mobiles’ on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

[Jimbuna]

11 years ago today an amazing thing happened in my life it shocked me and I have never witnessed an event like that before

I dropped my toast and it landed butter side up

[Jimbuna]

Edward Deidde, the man who spent his entire life explaining that his surname was "deed" has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead

[BossMark]

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[BossMark]

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnny,”coz he’d be buggered if he needed glasses”.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a man stood in Leeds town centre with a sheep underneath each arm?

A pimp.

[BossMark]

Leaflet through my door this morning:
“ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?
CALL NOW!
WE CAN HELP.
“I called….It was a Liquor Shop offer: “Buy 5 & get 2 free”!

[BossMark]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I’ve been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
“Well, you’d better hire someone who’s a bit old, fat and ugly,” she said, “I don’t want you choosing someone who you’re going to be tempted to have sex with.”
“That’s fair enough,” I replied, “When can you start?”

[BossMark]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie . He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “OK I was at a friend’s house,” the son admits. “Doing what?” asked the father. “Watching a movie: Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “OK it was porn!” cried the son. Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.

[Jimbuna]

One more for connect four :huh:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fQ9FgnkrCNg/TjrCig57_CI/AAAAAAAAEeQ/xvPhdZ2FkMo/s1600/connect-four.jpg

[Jimbuna]

I got stopped by a cop, so I pulled out my 9 millimetre.

Once he'd stopped laughing, he arrested me for indecent exposure.

[BossMark]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!’
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him……..”

[Kaye T. Bai]

I got stopped by a cop, so I pulled out my 9 millimetre. Once he'd stopped laughing, he arrested me for indecent exposure.

Good thing you didn't spray the rozzer. :haha:

One more for connect four

I loved that game back when I was a a wee lad. :up:

*snippity snip snip*

That's a classic! :rotfl2:

[BossMark]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny: Because I bloody well have one at home!!!

[BossMark]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he’s from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
“So am I… What suburb in Melbourne?”
“Glen Iris” he replies.
“That’s amazing…” she says, “…so am I – what Street?”
“Cameo Street” he replies.
“This is unbelievable…” she says, “… what number?”
He says, “Number 20***8243; and she is totally astonished.
“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 22 and my parents still live there!”
“I know…” he says, “…your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”

[Jimbuna]

I walked into a pet shop and said, "I'd like a puppy for my wife."

The owner said, "Sorry sir, we don't do part exchange."

[Jimbuna]

A traveller became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 metres in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neck wear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!" "Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two miles south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?" "Water..." was the feeble reply. "Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

[TarJak]

During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be First Class."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the Gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F**k you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[Jimbuna]

Today, I decided to give my wife a taste of her own medicine.

I took her round 11 different pubs, only to go back to the very first one to buy my pint.

[BossMark]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’
The blonde said it was hers.
‘Your dog seems to be in heat,’ the officer said.
The blonde replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’
The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’
‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this morning.’
The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’
The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

[Jimbuna]

I've still got a red nose on the front of my car.

I've not had chance to wash it since I ran over that clown.

[BossMark]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E,F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[BossMark]

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

[Jimbuna]

I was at the airport check in today when a fat woman waddled over with her case.

I put it on the scales and said to her, "That'll be an extra 165 pounds please."

"Is the case too heavy?" she asked.

"No, I replied. "But you're gonna need 2 seats."

[BossMark]

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.
The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn’t be in for another 2 hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor. “What should I do?” he asked. “I’ve taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home.”
“I see” said the doctor “It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?”
“Yes”
“Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?”
The man was silent for a few seconds, then said~ ~ ~
“But I never need Viagra with the maid”

[BossMark]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their ‘john thomases’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 4th.’ ‘No, ma’am,’ he replied, ‘I’m in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift.’

[Jimbuna]

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "I'd love a break away"

Result! They sell them in a pack of six at my local ASDA.

[BossMark]

Little Michael was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?” She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
“It’s called sexual intercourse”, she replied.
Little Michael just said, “Oh, okay” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,”Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy’s Mum wants to talk to you!

[Jimbuna]

I called hotel management from the hotel room and said, "Please, come quick. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she'll jump out the window of your hotel".

"That is a personal matter," answered the hotel manager.

"Screw you!" I screamed. "The window won't open so that's a maintenance matter."

[Jimbuna]

I saw a woman trying to park her car in the Tesco car park today.

After a few minutes I went over and said, "Would you like me to do that for you?"

"No thanks," she replied.

"Are you sure?" I asked, as I walked out with my shopping 45 minutes later.

[BossMark]

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

[BossMark]

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”….
Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

[Jimbuna]

I got my wife a nurse's uniform to spice up our sex life.

However, she refused to wear anything that was covered in blood and crap, and insisted that I returned it to the hospital.

[Jimbuna]

Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.

[Jimbuna]

I was out for the the day with my son when he asked me a question
"Dad what the hole in the top of a dolphin for "?
I replied " I can tell you what its not for and when i do you will know why i am banned from all sea life centers"

[BossMark]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

[Jimbuna]

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

[U570]

Ryanair's safety standard :O:

[Jimbuna]

I was standing behind this big fat woman at supermarket checkout and she had a newborn baby sitting in a car seat.

"Aww, she's so cute" I gushed

"Thank you she's a real handful though" she replied proudly.

"And there you go again trying for another one" I said chuckling

"Sorry, I don't follow you" she said.

I replied "I noticed the cases of lager in your trolley"

[Jimbuna]

Ryanair's safety standard :O:

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome on board this Ryanair flight.

In the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, masks will drop down from above you. Please insert 5 Euros for oxygen.

[mapuc]

Following is copied from The funny FARM on Facebook

don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo
sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It
went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The
author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.
...

To whom this may concern

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist off method.. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is
recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact
the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary
items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
is an unhappy customer.


Markus

[BossMark]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’
Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?’
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’
Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’
Jim says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’
Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.’
‘Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Have you farted yet?’
‘No.’
‘Well, DON’T – cause I’m in New Zealand!’

[BossMark]

Ryanair's safety standard :O:
A blonde calls Ryanair and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from Fez to Gerona ?’ The rep replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hung up.

[Jimbuna]

The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"

I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

[Jimbuna]

Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.

"That will be one Euro, please," says the barman.

"That's a very fair price," replies O'Leary.

"Would you like a glass with that, sir?" asks the barman.

[BossMark]

A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?’
Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.’
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ck, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash…
Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’
he little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’

[Jimbuna]

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

[Jimbuna]

Upon the publication of photos which show Kate Middleton topless, The Queen was heard saying, "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom Philip? You sound like you're having an asthma attack."

[BossMark]

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[Jimbuna]

Female suicide bomber kills 13 in bus.

She must have been driving.

[Jimbuna]

I am a bit sick of all the attention these topless photos are getting. I mean the Royal Family suing over a bit of nipple.

I think they're making mountains out of molehills.

[BossMark]

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
“Fancy buying me a drink?” She said.
“Sure,” I replied. “If you let me choose.”
“Okay,” she grinned. “But how will you know what I want?”
“Well, it’s kind of a talent,” I smiled. “All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best.”
“Okay,” she giggled. “You can choose for me.”
So I turned to the barman and said, “Diet coke, mate.”

[Jimbuna]

I walked over to a woman trying to start a running machine in the gym last night.

I smiled and said, "Need any help?"

"Yes please," she smiled back. "I'm new here."

"I know, you're bloody huge," I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Officials at Birmingham Airport have reported a Monarch leaving skidmarks on the runway.

Sounds like the Queen is trying to take the heat off of Kate.

[BossMark]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”
Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”
Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?
Is it……..
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”
“I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%…
No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”
Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.”
Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush”
Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.”
Barbara: “You think?”
Maggie: “I’m sure.”
Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)
Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”
Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”
Regis: “Is that your final answer?”
Barbara: “It is.”
Regis: “Are you confident?”
Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”
Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

[Jimbuna]

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he's an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you..." "No problem," the tired army guy assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfast table bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better!" said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time," explained the soldier. "How'd you manage that?" "Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek," explained the soldier. Then, I whispered in his ear, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night looking at me."

[BossMark]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
“How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.
“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,
turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
“I outlived the bastards.”

[Jimbuna]

A £5000 reward is being offered after a mystery man was caught kicking a traffic warden in the face on CCTV.

It's not a lot, mate, but you deserve every penny so please come forward ASAP.

[Jimbuna]

My granny told me what it used to be like at the seaside. "There was a laughing sailor machine. You put your money in and you didn't win anything or get a refund, it just laughed at you. There's nothing like that these days."
I said, "Yes there is - it's called the lottery."

[Jimbuna]

I decided to join an animal rights group a few weeks ago.

At my first meeting it was proposed that we drive into town to put up all of our posters,drive back to the meeting hall to collect more money and then back into town to collect more posters from the printers.

My suggestion about how to kill two birds with one stone was not well received.

[BossMark]

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity,
what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[Jimbuna]

I took a fat bird out for a meal last night.

The waiter said, "Would you like to order?"

I said, "Yes, she'd like a steak and I'd like the fish, please."

He said, "Would you like the head and tail leaving on?"

I said, "Yes, I reckon she can eat a full cow."

[Sailor Steve]

I went to my boss and said I wanted a raise. I said I should be paid what I'm worth.

He replied "I'd love to pay you what you're worth. Unfortunately we have minimum-wage laws."

[Jimbuna]

Pete, the cleaner in our office won the employee of the month award last night.

We all stayed behind and had a massive party to celebrate and then went on to a nightclub in town.

It was a great night. Pete would have really enjoyed it if he didn't have to stay behind and tidy up.

[Jimbuna]

They've installed a machine at the pub which tells you when to stop drinking.


Its called an ATM.

[BossMark]

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

[BossMark]

Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.”
“But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.”
“OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?
“Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.”
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.
The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?”
The boy answered, “Get your ass out of bed and go and fix that kid some bloody ice cream!”

[Jimbuna]

Why should you never wear Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

[BossMark]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."

[Jimbuna]

STEED had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says STEED, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some localfolks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says STEED. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..

I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says STEED, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

[Jimbuna]

Tory MP Andrew Mitchell denies calling a Policeman a "effing pleb".

If anyone fancies burgling his house, now might be a good time.

[Jimbuna]

A Liverpool scout returns from Afghanistan raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Brendan Rodgers is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself. The boy arrives in Liverpool for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Suarez gets injured and is stretchered off. Rodgers points to the new Afghan boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us". The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd goes mad. After the game Rodgers gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room."Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office". The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?" "No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground." "God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry". "So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Merseyside."

[Jimbuna]

I have found a great way to get free drinks in my local pub.

All I do is order Baileys, Tomato Juice and Orange Juice to be served in the same glass with 4 straws and 3 umbrellas, then I just stand there holding it all day.

When somebody walks up to the bar, looks at me and says, "What are you drinking, Dave?"

I say, "A pint of lager please."

[BossMark]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time..
‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

[Jimbuna]

One morning, Harry wakes up and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts £333 on it to win.

It comes in third.

[BossMark]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall………
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
“The guard asked, “What’s he like?”
Little Johnny hesitated for a moment and then replied,
“Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big breasts.”

[BossMark]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
‘The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’ Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself.
I put him there to dry…. How soon can I go home?’

[Jimbuna]

A recent survey has discovered 1 in 3 Stoke fans .........are as thick as the other 2

[BossMark]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there is only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity’.
The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in’.
Dolly is outraged and asks,’What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in!Would you explain that to me?’
‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”

[Jimbuna]

Jeremy Forest has been questioned for four hours and has asked for his judicial right to his one phonecall. The French authorities have taken a dim light to the 0898....wet teen premium number he rang.

[Cybermat47]

What do Daleks yell when disposing of eggs?

"Eggsterbinate!"

[soopaman2]

I wish all my jokes were not inappropriate for a family environment.

Though these are old and still invoke childlike giggles out of me.

Mildly offensive, does this forum have spoiler tags? Oh well!

Man walks into his bedroom as his wife reads peacefully in bed, with a pig, he states loudly, "this is the sloppy pig I been having sex with"

The wife says "thats vile! You are disgusting"

The man says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."


Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot....Uhh nevermind... I already went too far with the first one ;)

[Cybermat47]

:har::haha::har::haha::k_rofl::k_rofl::k_rofl::k_r ofl:

[Jimbuna]

I was driving down the road at about 40mph when a car flew past me at what must have been 80mph.

"You won't get there any faster, mate," I said, chuckling to myself.

My laughs were interrupted by an angry voice on the radio.

"Put your foot down, you idiot. That's the second time he's lapped you."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde is out walking along a river one day when she sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
She shouts 'woohoo, how do I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up and down the river and replies 'You are on the other side'

[Jimbuna]

After a few beers I ended up sleeping with a bit of a fat bird last night. This morning she watched me putting a number into her mobile phone.
"If you fancy a repeat performance, just dial that number" I said.
"Wow" she replied "people don't normally give me their number".
"It's not mine" said I, "It's weight watchers".

[BossMark]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[Jimbuna]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little basteward
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES .
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED .
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER .
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows everything!

[BossMark]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to £10."

"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan, he's
making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well...................he says prophets are going through
the roof.

[Jimbuna]

The girlfriend brought a pair of Meatloaf panties.
On the front it says 'I will do anything for love'
On the back it says 'But I won't do that!'

[BossMark]

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo Clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and Drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, But standing up..
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna Tell his Vife?”
They cut the cards.. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any Worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my Middle Name. Leave it to me.”
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door.
The wife Answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is Afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg.*

[Jimbuna]

Batman and Catwoman were going out on a date and were sitting in the batcave.

"Oh Batty," she gushes. "You really are the greatest of all the superheroes."

"Thank you," replies Batman.

"No really," she continues, "you're brave, strong and true. You're quick-witted and fair. Everyone is scared of you."

"Please..." he replies.

"And you're so hunky!" she giggles. "You look so good in your costume and I love your pointy ears. I'm the luckiest cat alive. Now... I'm going to call us a cab and we're going to have a great evening."

She gets her mobile out of her bag, but can't switch it on.

"Oh," she says. "Can you have a look - you're so good with gadgets."

"I'm afraid," he replies, "your phone will not work because of your bat flattery".

[BossMark]

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: “I have a large fortune….I am going to buy Apple!”
Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy Exxon!”
Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince…. I intend to purchase Google!”
They then all wait for the Jew to speak….
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I’m not selling!!!…”

[Jimbuna]

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

[BossMark]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves… And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas .”

[Jimbuna]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £100 notes I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[BossMark]

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting, he’s looking for a parking place, and can’t find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: “Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays.”
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, “Never mind, I just found one!”

[Jimbuna]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber has just vomited on stage, in the middle of a performance.
That concludes it then, she’s pregnant.

[Jimbuna]

Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

[Jimbuna]

I mentioned a complaint about Royal Mail on Twitter yesterday and they tweeted me today. Well, they tweeted my neighbour and he brought it round.

[Lord_magerius]

I got stopped by a cop, so I pulled out my 9 millimetre.

Once he'd stopped laughing, he arrested me for indecent exposure.

[AVGWarhawk]

Justin Bieber has just vomited on stage, in the middle of a performance.
That concludes it then, she’s pregnant.

:haha:

[AVGWarhawk]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Hmmmm I could use this....:hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

I was wandering around a shop earlier, when an assistant asked if I needed help:

I said, "Yeah, I want to treat the wife."

"In here sir? Are you sure? This is a DIY store" he replied.

"I know that" I snapped, "it's for her wooden leg."

[mapuc]

Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
...For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . .. Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming,
crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet.. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[Herr-Berbunch]

Done at least once before, or a version of. :yawn:


:O:

[mapuc]

Done at least once before, or a version of. :yawn:


:O:


So sorry, I haven't read every post in this thread :oops:

[Herr-Berbunch]

So sorry, I haven't read every post in this thread :oops:

But I bet you've looked at every page of the beautiful women thread. :03:

Or is that just me?

Twice! :D

[Jimbuna]

What's the quietest place in the world?

The complaints department at the parachute packing plant.

[Jimbuna]

"I don't think you're dressed appropriately for work Dave." my boss said.

"Is it the fishnets and high heels?" I asked him.

"No, they're lovely, but where's your tie?"

[BossMark]

A man was on his deathbed. With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper, “I have one last request, my dear.”
“Of course,” his wife replied, clutching his hand.
“Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob !”
“I do.”

[BossMark]

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place”
“That should have worked,” said the friend.
The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left…”

[Jimbuna]

I'm looking forward to the part of Abu hamza's trial where they ask him to put his right hand on a bible!!!!

[BossMark]

Here are the texting codes for the older generation:
ATD – at the doctor.
BFF – best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair .
BYOT – bring your own teeth.
FWIW – forgot where I was.
GGPBL – gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA – got heartburn again.
IMHO – is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR – on my massage recliner.
WIWYA – when I was your age.
ROFLACGU – rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up.

[Jimbuna]

Over the dinner table the wife said to me, "Watch it, there's a fly on your dinner." As she prepared to shoo it away.

I said, "No leave it, it's the only thing on the plate that isn't burnt."

[Jimbuna]

There are only 2 things preventing me from being an evil genius:

1) I'm nice.
2) I'm a bit thick.

[Herr-Berbunch]

There are only 2 things preventing me from being an evil genius:

1) I'm nice.
2) I'm a bit thick.
I remember reading that elsewhere recently, shameless plagiarism.
:O:

[BossMark]

Worried man to Psychologist: “My wife treats me like a DOG !”
Psychologist: “Does She abuse, Hit or Starve YOU?
Man: NoNo..Worse! She wants Me to Be FAITHFUL!!

[Jimbuna]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[BossMark]

My wife asked, “Would you love me more if I was really smart or really beautiful?”
I replied, “Yes, I probably would.”

[Jimbuna]

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.

"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

[BossMark]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘ That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. ‘
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘ No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. ‘
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘ What is it you are waiting for?
She answered –
‘ THE TEETH. ‘

[Jimbuna]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[BossMark]

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

[BossMark]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me nothing.”

[Sailor Steve]

I remember reading that elsewhere recently, shameless plagiarism.
:O:
As is pretty much everything in this thread. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Addendum:

"What goes on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
What did Noah take the animals in?"
"Ark!"

I've told that one a thousand times over the past forty years or so, and I bet I've told it more than once here, maybe even in this thread. That doesn't stop it from being funny, though. I'd forgotten that I knew it. Thanks for bringing it back. :sunny:

[Herr-Berbunch]

As is pretty much everything in this thread. :sunny:

I know a lot is taken from the myriad websites out there, but I'm 99% sure that Betonov said it at Subsim. It's one thing stealing from elsewhere, but from here it's disgraceful. :nope:

:O:

[Sailor Steve]

I know a lot is taken from the myriad websites out there, but I'm 99% sure that Betonov said it at Subsim. It's one thing stealing from elsewhere, but from here it's disgraceful. :nope:

:O:
I've made up maybe three jokes in my lifetime. Everything else is plagiarized, no exceptions. The ones that bug me are the ones people forget they posted, and repost, sometimes more than once. I like to remember jokes and tell them. Copypasta is too easy, which is why I don't tell too many here.

[Herr-Berbunch]

In the year 2013 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the An Bord Pleannala for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the DSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "..........the Irish Government beat me to it!"

[Jimbuna]

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in crap up to their necks.

The guy says "no, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with crap up to their noses.

Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with crap up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.

The guy says, "I pick this room."

Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

[Hottentot]

A man gets a call from his wife abroad. They chat casually for a while.

"So how is our cat doing?" The Wife asks.
"It fell from the roof and died", the man replies calmly.
"What?!" The wife screams. "How can you tell it to me just like that?!"
"Well how should I have told it to you?!"
"You should be more sensitive", the wife starts educating her husband. "Like when I called you now, you should have told me that the cat is sitting on the roof."
"What good would that have been?"
"Well then, when I called you next time in a few days, you would have said that the cat fell from the roof."
"But it died already three days ago!"
"Yes, but only the third time I called you, you would have told me it died. That way I would have had more time to get used to the idea and it wouldn't have been so shocking."
"Oh", the man replies slowly. "I didn't think about that."
"Well, it's fine", the wife accepts. "Do you get it now?"
"I think so."
"I'm so glad to hear that! Okay, back to happier subjects. How is mom doing?"
"She is sitting on the roof..."

[Jimbuna]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[BossMark]

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
“God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
“God, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well”.
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???”.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
“JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET”

[Jimbuna]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

[BossMark]

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina.
The South Carolina Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded the
Agent.
“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3
years.
I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus
free room and board.
There’s the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around
here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to…..the half-wit”, says the Agent.
“That would be me”, replied the farmer

[Jimbuna]

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather

[Catfish]

^ :D:haha:

[BossMark]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

[BossMark]

Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues. ‘Johnny!’ Mum screams. ‘Knock it off.’
You’re going to break something. He stops and eventually Mum leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mum has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. ‘Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?’ she asks. He says, ‘I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart.

[Jimbuna]

Must be double post day...another to follow :smug:

[Jimbuna]

A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

[Jimbuna]

When I was young I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

[BossMark]

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored. “Oh dear,” said the Queen, “How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.” “It’s quite understandable,” said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, “as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.

[Jimbuna]

I got the sack from PC World today.

A woman came in and asked what me the best thing was for finding your ancestors.

I told her to buy a spade from the garden centre next door.

[BossMark]

A young boy is doing poorly in maths at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.
Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy’s grades were straight A’s, even in maths!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school
“Oh, it’s all right, I guess,” he replies.
“They must be teaching you some new tricks!”
“Not really.”
“Then what do you think is making the difference in your maths grades?”
“Well”, he says, “as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!”

[Jimbuna]

After years of planning and millions of pounds spent sending Felix Baumgartner over 120,000 feet into the air in the worlds largest hot air balloon, then giving him the command to jump out and fall down to Earth beating numerous records on the way, it can now officially be confirmed that Red Bull does in fact not give you wings.

[BossMark]

Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.
I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.
I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter.
Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, The Rail road.
Gentlemen:I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly, A Commuter

[Jimbuna]

A blonde was mowing the lawn in her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Tesco!

Why Tesco??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

Tesco is the largest re-tailer in the UK !!!

[BossMark]

Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman.
Little boy looks her over and turns to his daddy and says; “She is really big and fat isn’t she daddy?”
The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down.
In a few minutes the little boy yells out; “She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!”
The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tell his son; “We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don’t do it again.”
The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman’s beeper went off. He then yelled: “Look out daddy, she is backing up!”

[Jimbuna]

"The problem with internet quotes is that you can never be sure of their validity"

-Abraham Lincoln

[Sailor Steve]

Now there's an oldie. Originally posted in Funny Pictures a very long time ago:

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a325/SailorSteve/TroubleWithQuotes.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Well thank heavens it wasn't 'The Joke Thread' :o

[Sailor Steve]

Well, it was an old joke.


Kinda like me. :dead:

[Jimbuna]

"So, Mr Adams," the lady at the jobcentre said, "after nearly 20 years in full time employment, you just decided to leave. May I ask why?"

"Well," I said, "I opened a Twitter account, and after about a week I decided that my whole career had been a total waste of time. So I left."

"And what was this career?" She asked.

"I was an English teacher."

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2: :rock:

sumtines life just sux dont it

[Jimbuna]

I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."

I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

She text back,"Omg really?"

I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

[Skybird]

Four scientists observe a bus with ten passengers aboard halting at a bus stop, but eleven passengers get off.

Says the biologist: "They must have bred."

Says the physicist: "Well, ten percent measuring tolerance are fine in this setup."

Says the mathematician: "If now one person gets in, nobody is aboard."

Says the software programmer: "Runtime error 201. Range check error."

[BossMark]

A blonde walks into a doctors office with a gunshot wound in her hand.
The doctor asks, “How did this happen?”
She replies, “Well, I was trying to commit suicide. I stuck the gun to my head and then…just before I pulled the trigger… I thought, this is going to be loud. So I covered my other ear before pulling the trigger”

[Jimbuna]

Apparently, Skipping breakfast primes the brain to seek out fat.

Only because she's a better cook than me.

[BossMark]

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. “I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.
“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!”
His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”
“Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing!”

[Jimbuna]

According to an article in today's Daily Mail about personal hygiene, most people have detectable amounts of sh!t on their hands at any given time.

Nonsense, I thought.

Then I realised it was probably true, as I'd just been holding a copy of the Daily Mail.

[BossMark]

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theatre.
As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, “That’s very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn’t you learn any manners? Where did you come from?”
The man looked up helplessly and said, “The balcony!”

[Jimbuna]

Hippos kill nearly 3000 people every year.

This proves that even animals can be ridiculously over sensitive about their weight.

[BossMark]

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
“Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”

[Jimbuna]

Scientists have announced the results of a study that found that people who skip breakfast are inclined to crave fatty, high-calorie foods later in the day.

So basically what they've discovered is, if you don't eat for a while you'll start to feel hungry.

[Jimbuna]

What four words do you NOT want hear after sex?



"'Ows about that, then"

[BossMark]

One day two blind men started fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 quid on the one with the knife.”
Both men ran away.

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2:

That's one I'll be committing to memory! :rock:

[Jimbuna]

Look officer, I'm not being a smartass. All i'm saying is if you caught me then you were speeding too.

[BossMark]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

[Jimbuna]

My poor old Gran died of a massive heart attack when she was watching the TV on Saturday evening. No-one knows what caused it and she was always really healthy, so it came as terrible shock to all the family.

Still, it wasn't a bad weekend for everyone. The Paramedic who tried to revive her was in the papers earlier. Lucky bugger won the National Lottery the same night.

[BossMark]

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.
The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
“Jesus Christ!” he says.
Joseph says, “Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a lot better than Clyde!”

[Jimbuna]

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

[Jimbuna]

Noticing a fat couple kissing, my girlfriend said, "Have you ever been out with a fat girl before?"

"No, you're the first," probably wasn't the best response.

[BossMark]

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could en roll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him

[Jimbuna]

My son's tooth fell out last night.

My wife said to him, "If you put it under your pillow, a fairy will come along and replace it with a fiver."

So once he fell asleep, I crept into his bedroom, took the tooth from under his pillow and put it under mine.

[BossMark]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time chatting about the wild romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling some of that “magic.”
“Wow!” I said, “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!”
She just giggled and said that she was sure I’d rise to the challenge!
“Yeah?” I replied, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!”
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute!
“Anyway, I’ve put on a few pounds myself!” she giggled.
After hearing that I told her to sod off and I hung up the phone.

[Jimbuna]

I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister," I replied.

"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.

"What the heck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."

[BossMark]

There were 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time by telling each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, “My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin.”
The second nun got up and said, “My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week.”
The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say “come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours.”
The third nun got up and said, “My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can’t wait to get off this train.

[Jimbuna]

I was disappointed yesterday when a statement came through the post that informed me that my ex wife's credit card has been maxed out.

Still, at least I managed to get a new 60 inch plasma, pay for a holiday in Dubai and a whole new wardrobe first.

[Jimbuna]

I knocked on my neighbour's door and said, "Your daughter owes me a new van. I've just crashed into a tree because of her."

"You must be mistaken," she replied, "our daughter is upstairs getting changed out of her school uniform"

I said, "I know, she's left the curtains open."

[BossMark]

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the hell” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

[Jimbuna]

BBC2, 9pm tonight:The Toughest Place to be a Miner..Not sure whether to expect a documentary on South Africa or Jimmy Savilles bedroom.

[Jimbuna]

The police came round last night, kicked my door down, dragged me out of my bed and arrested me for aiding and abetting child molestation and rape.

I just don't understand it, all I did was buy a tv licence.

[BossMark]

A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.
Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.
A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.”Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.”
We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish.”
“Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away.”

[BossMark]

I saw some gorgeous identical twins standing at the bar last night.
I staggered over and said, “Do you ladies fancy coming back to my place for a wild threesome?”
“You’re bloody drunk aren’t you?” they asked.
“No,” I slurred, “What makes you think that?”
They said, “I’m standing here on my own.”

[Jimbuna]

I said to the attractive bint in white, standing close to me, "Get yer coat love, you've pulled."

She said, "Very funny Mr Brown. Now take a rinse and keep this wadding in place over the extracted tooth."

[Jimbuna]

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.

"I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."

"Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."

[BossMark]

Super storm heading towards the U.S.
Here are some survival tips
1. Buy several kegs/barrels of beer
2. Drink beer
3. Wait for flooding
4. Drop kegs in water
5. Float to safety….

[Jimbuna]

Josef Fritzl has divorced his wife of 55 years because she has never visited him in prison.

That's terrible. He went to see his daughter every day when she was locked up.

[Jimbuna]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.

"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[Sailor Steve]

Jim, you've already posted that one. Or somebody has. :sunny:

[BossMark]

"It takes only a few seconds to pick your dirty washing up from the bedroom floor and put it in the laundry basket!" said my wife, "It's not hard!"

"You're right, maybe I should make it more difficult for you."

[BossMark]

I walked up to fat chick eating her burger in McDonald's yesterday.

I said to her, "You need a bit of me in your life."

"Do I now?" She blushed with a smile. "What's your name?"

"Will," I replied. "Will Power."

[Jimbuna]

Jim, you've already posted that one. Or somebody has. :sunny:
There's been that many posted now it's bound to happen I suppose :-?

[Herr-Berbunch]

There's been that many posted now it's bound to happen I suppose :-?

Just run them all by Steve first, as well as a comprehensive list of ships' names I think he has a comprehensive joke list too. :O:

[BossMark]

Mark Clatternberg's inappropriate words that infuriated Chelsea have now been revealed. Allegedly he called Torres a "striker"

[Jimbuna]

Just run them all by Steve first, as well as a comprehensive list of ships' names I think he has a comprehensive joke list too. :O:

LOL...Steve's actually a good guy when you get to meet/know him.

just don't tell him I said that on here or he'll think I'm joking :O:

[Jimbuna]

Clattenburg defended himself by stating he was only repeating racial slurs back to the chelsea players, he added that he thought this would be acceptable behaviour and received full backing from John Terry.

[Herr-Berbunch]

LOL...Steve's actually a good guy when you get to meet/know him.

just don't tell him I said that on here or he'll think I'm joking :O:

*Whispers* I'd got that impression of him already, don't tell him though, or his head won't fit through his doorway.

:03:

[Jimbuna]

*Whispers*I'd got that impression of him already, don't tell him though, or his head won't fit through his doorway.

:03:

It never has done...ask him about the precise moment we met in person at Neals house :)

[BossMark]

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

[BossMark]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mum sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[Sailor Steve]

Stop stealing my material! I only told that one, like...

Three years ago! :oops:

[Jimbuna]

Stop stealing my material! I only told that one, like...

Three years ago! :oops:

LOL :D

[Jimbuna]

My wife won two bottles of vodka for craziest costume and scariest makeup at a Halloween party.

She only knocked on the door to pick me up..

[Jimbuna]

Jimmy Savile's £4 million estate has been frozen by the bank, in anticipation of damages claims from the victims of his sexual assaults.

All things considered, it should work out at about 50p each.

[BossMark]

The exhausted businessman stopped in a Tokyo bar for a drink. “Speak English?” he asked the bartender.
“Yes, sir.”
“Great. I’d like a Stoli with a twist.”
The bartender looked at him for a moment, then leaned over the bar.
“OK, once upon a time there were four little pigs…”

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"

"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

[Jimbuna]

I wondered where they'd gone :doh:

:/\\!!

[BossMark]

Nice pictures Jim but..........

[kranz]

missclick of the year :woot:

[Sailor Steve]

I don't get it...what's the punch line?

[kranz]

I wondered where they'd gone :doh:

:/\\!!
you shouldn't have edited the post...it was so funny :D

[Jimbuna]

you shouldn't have edited the post...it was so funny :D

Ya nasty bugga :)

[BossMark]

Oops going to after read through this thread one day

[Sailor Steve]

Copypasta monsta strikes again.

[Jimbuna]

Sarah, what are you doing?
Nothing, just downstairs, what are you doing honey?
Upstairs playing fifa, do you smell something?
No, why?
Me neither, get the dinner on!!!!

[Jimbuna]

My wife has been badgering me to paint the lounge but keeps insisting that I use muted and neutral colours. I gave in eventually and packed her off to her mother's while I decorated. She telephoned me on the first evening.

"So what colour have you chosen?"

"I've gone for 'mushroom'? Will that be OK?" I queried.

"Actually, that sounds nice. See you tomorrow."

I hope she likes it. It took ages to paint the white dots on the red background.

[Jimbuna]

I was wondering what the probability of someone getting hit by lightning was.

Then it struck me.

[BossMark]

Any Scottish footballer will tell you what's the hardest thing about being a substitute on match day.

Having to sit down on a bench without cracking open a can of Special Brew.

[BossMark]

I'm disgusted with the accusations made against Freddie Starr.

For gods sake, let the poor sod die first.

[Platapus]

How does Ann Romney get Mitt Romney in the "romantic mood"?

She wears a pink slip.

(rimshot)

:D

[Jimbuna]

My latest girlfriend is leaving my because of my obsession with Queen
... Another one bites the dust

[Jimbuna]

The recession has had a detrimental effect on my sex life.

It's ages since I've been able to afford it.

[BossMark]

I've finally remembered the word that I've been thinking about for two weeks.

Its 'fortnight.

[Jimbuna]

I've just rung the wife at work to say we've been burgled.

Thank God the bailiffs called whilst she was out.

[BossMark]

I met this fit bird in a club last night.
'Fancy taking me somewhere a little more quiet?' She purred.

20 minutes later, I was sitting in the library by myself wondering where I went wrong.

[Jimbuna]

I was walking though Liverpool today when I saw my mates teenage brother and his pregnant girlfriend.

"What are you expecting?" I asked.

"Loads of benefits," he replied.

[BossMark]

Tonight's X Factor theme is 'number ones'. They should've made it about number twos as all the performances are likely to be crap

[BossMark]

I took my girlfriend out to meet my mates yesterday.

We played snooker, watched football, then ended up in a strip club.

As we walked home with a doner kebab I said to her, "Have you had a good night?"

"Not really," she replied, "I've had better birthdays."

[Jimbuna]

My wife said she'd switch everything off before we went on holiday, as I couldn't be trusted to make a proper job of it.

Well just before we left I did a double-check. It's a good job I did, she'd forgotten to switch off the fridge and the aquarium.

[Jimbuna]

What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

[BossMark]

As soon as X Factor finished, I said to my wife "Right, turn all the lights off, let's get to bed."

"Oooh, your keen" she giggled.

"Too right" I said. "Match of the days on in a minute."

[Jimbuna]

I've just quit my job as a human cannonball in a travelling circus, the pay was terrible considering the risks I was taking.

My now ex-boss just rang me up devastated, he said they'll never find another man of my caliber.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I've just quit my job as a human cannonball in a travelling circus, the pay was terrible considering the risks I was taking.

My now ex-boss just rang me up devastated, he said they'll never find another man of my caliber.

Did you quit, or get fired? Baddum-tish

[kiwi_2005]

A Dublin newspaper has since reported that Irish scientists searching for evidence of ancient phone systems in Ireland, excavated to a depth of 200 metres under a peat marsh in Mallow, found absolutely nothing.
Chief spade man Shaun Lamb stated, “This is comprehensive evidence that 3000 years ago, the Irish were already using mobile phones

[BossMark]

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mum and says, “Mummy, why does the girl wear white?”
His mum replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boys thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the man wearing black…”

[BossMark]

There was fire at St James Park, Alan Pardew screams the cups, the cups, the groundsman says 'the fire hasn't reached the canteen yet Alan'

[Jimbuna]

Q. What would you call a pregnant Leeds United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Elland Road?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury, Old Trafford and St James Park.