The joke thread

[BossMark]

Oxo have brought out a red and white cube to celebrate England"s Euro 2012 campaign.
It"s called the Laughing Stock

[Jimbuna]

Oxo have brought out a red and white cube to celebrate England"s Euro 2012 campaign.
It"s called the Laughing Stock

Oh dear, how old is that...simply add the team of your choice.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.
"I can"t believe it." says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we"ve been together 15 years and today I found out she"s been having an affair with a builder.
""How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask."I found a box of tools under the bed."
"Join the club." says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife"s been having an affair with a milkman.""How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask.
"I found a crate of milk under the bed.""You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I"ve just found out the wife was having an affair with a bloody horse!"The other two look at him incredulously.
"How do you know it was a horse?""I found a jockey hiding under the bed

[Jimbuna]

I was watching the TV with my nan when our numbers came up. She jumped up, and started screaming! She nearly gave herself a heart attack!

That's the last time I take her into Argos.

[BossMark]

A friend of mine was very depressed, he owed 500 pounds to a shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel. All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his 500 pound!!.....Good thing his bus was full that day!!!

[Jimbuna]

Dale farm finally evicted.

Next stop, Emmerdale Farm.

[BossMark]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn"t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn"t say a word. She said, "I"m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn"t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in the car!

[Jimbuna]

One of my employees asked me, "What do I enter to get an outside line?"

"1412," I replied.

"Nope, that doesn't work," he said.

"That's the code to get out of the building. There's a phone box across the road."

[BossMark]

A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living daylights out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job".

[Jimbuna]

Got kicked out the pool today
Apparently The breaststroke isnt what I thought it was

[BossMark]

My wife said she was bored this morning so I said
"Fancy going to the coast and having a swim?"
She said "It"s bloody minus 2 out there - I"ll freeze to death or drown!"
I said "Fancy going to the coast and having a swim

[Jimbuna]

The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.

I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

[BossMark]

The credit crunch...I could lose my job.
I could lose all my savings.I could lose my house.
So what does the country do?
Spend billions of our money on an event that lasts just two weeks and which serves no purpose other than to find out which people on this planet are best at taking drugs without being caught

[Jimbuna]

I was playing in a football match with some of my work colleagues. My boss had the ball and was running towards the goal; I was quickly following beside him...

"Lay me off!" I shouted

I no longer have a job.

[BossMark]

I work for the Samaritans.
I tried to call in sick this morning but the buggers talked me out of it.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross Elton John and a pair of trousers with unusually large storage space?

Pocket Man.

[BossMark]

How do you stop a scouser from breaking into your house?
Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies"

[Jimbuna]

Traveller : Why are you throwing me out of my home?
Bailiff : Sorry mate, it's my job
Traveller : What's a job?

[BossMark]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I"m looking for a job."The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We"ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You"ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year."The scouser said, "You"re kidding me!"The man behind the counter replied, "Well, you bloody started it.

[Jimbuna]

BBC NEWS:

'Dale Farm' travellers to be moved after 10 years of negotiations.

You're not much of a traveller if you've been in one place for a decade.

[BossMark]

An old farmer"s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don"t you put an ad in the paper to get him back"
.The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing."What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.
"Here boy," said the farmer

[Jimbuna]

Do you ever do that thing when you're searching for something for ages, and it turns out you were holding it all along?

My granddad was always doing it, and that's why he should never have been allowed to hold grenades during the war.

[BossMark]

My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die.
I said, "that"s amazing how the hell did he know all that?"
My dad replied, "the judge told him."

[Jimbuna]

I used to be a huge fan of Robocop and now I've just been fitted with a robotic leg.

Oh the iron knee.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the magic tractor that went down the road and turned into a field?

[BossMark]

I"ll tell you a fact now, 1898, an Irishman invented the toilet seat.
1899, an Englishman put a hole in it.

[Jimbuna]

After a night of drinking on the town I started following my sexy neighbour home through the park.

She turned and spotted me behind her and started running.

"Please, no!" she pleaded, horror in eyes, as I gave chase. "Just leave me alone."

"Slow down," I slurred, falling over. "Or I'll never find my way back."

[Lord_magerius]

Damn, you beat me to it Jim :O:

I've just opened a shop specialising in shelves.

They're flying off the... Selling really well.

[BossMark]

I was in a restaurant last night and I called the waiter over,
I said "there's a worm in my pie" , the waiter said "
I think you"ll find that its fat" ,
I said " its entitled to be , its eaten all the bloody meat!"

[Jimbuna]

Gaddafi might be dead, but his son is alive and Saif

[BossMark]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Jimbuna]

I put my suitcases down so I could light a cigarette and the porters took them immediately.

They're very efficent in Liverpool, especially as I didn't tell them which hotel I was staying in.

[BossMark]

An old one but still good!

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".
Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.

[Jimbuna]

Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm, were required to open fire three times.
They won a goldfish, a teddy bear and an inflatable hammer.

[BossMark]

Did you hear about the pikey who won the lottery?
Apparently they"re going to pay him with Travellers Cheques.

[Jimbuna]

Had to check out what a pikey was :DL

[BossMark]

A man told his doctor that he wasn"t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the check-up was complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said,
"you"re just lazy.""Okay," said the man.
"Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife

[Herr-Berbunch]

Had to check out what a pikey was :DL

Sorry, the full terminology should have been used -

Thieving pikey (word removed as I assume Jim's post is for this.)

Recognise it now? :hmmm:

[BossMark]

After a relatively unsuccessful sex life,
I am finally having the best sex of my life at 46.
The thing is though, I live at number 15

[Jimbuna]

*To all contributorss to this thread*

Swearing is not acceptable under the forum rules and I invite anyone having posted such 'detail' to remove/adit their posts.....I would prefer not to issue infractions.

Your best offices please.

[Jimbuna]

Colonel gaddafi found in drainpipes,
Whatever next, president ahmedinijad seen in chinos.

[BossMark]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[Jimbuna]

What's black with 2 broken arms?

Colonel Gaddafi's sunglasses.

[BossMark]

Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that the water keeps running out.
The manager asks, "did you buy a plug?"Paddy says,
"you git! You never said it was electric!"

[Jimbuna]

The result of Gaddafi's post-mortum is that he comitted suicide by shooting himself 5 times in the head from a passing car.

[Sailor Steve]

clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.


Bang!


Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.









Amish drive-by.

[Jimbuna]

I'm getting a refund from match dot com. They reckon they can find you someone who shares the important things in life like beliefs and values.

So I put myself down as an extreme right wing voter with strong views on repatriation of ethnics, an atheist with no particular desire for commitment and someone who enjoys healthy sexual experimentation and recreational drug abuse.

I'm just back from a pint with Bernard.

[BossMark]

I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE"
.Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!

[Jimbuna]

Celebrations continue in London and Libya...looks like the news about Westlife travels fast.

[BossMark]

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

[Jimbuna]

I reckon Ferguson is going to regret resting Howard Webb for such a big game.

[kranz]

Howard Webb
/offtopic: don't mention that name while being among Poles:dead:

[Jimbuna]

/offtopic: don't mention that name while being among Poles:dead:

Care to expand/explain? :hmmm:

[kranz]

Care to expand/explain? :hmmm:
ofc :D
in a nutshell: Euro 2008, group B. Poland is playing their "last chance" game vs Austria.(a lose or a draw means bye-bye with Euro)
12th of June, Ernst Happel Stadion in Vienna, referee: a Sheffield police officer, Mr Howard Webb.:yeah:
30'- Guereiro scores. Austria-Poland: 0-1
93'(<------:damn::har::timeout::cry::06:)Howard Webb blows his whistle pointing at the spot 11 meters in front of the Polish goalie. A penalty for Austria.
Polish defender J.Bak "allegedly" pulled the shirt of an Austrian player.
Wastic scores for 1-1. Poland goes home.:cool:
Ofc he did it, but there was a myth created that Howard Webb stole this win. Especially it happened in 93rd minute.
So, if you don;t want to get mugged, raped, killed and raped once again don't say "Howard Webb" when among Poles.

[Jimbuna]

ofc :D
in a nutshell: Euro 2008, group B. Poland is playing their "last chance" game vs Austria.(a lose or a draw means bye-bye with Euro)
12th of June, Ernst Happel Stadion in Vienna, referee: a Sheffield police officer, Mr Howard Webb.:yeah:
30'- Guereiro scores. Austria-Poland: 0-1
93'(<------:damn::har::timeout::cry::06:)Howard Webb blows his whistle pointing at the spot 11 meters in front of the Polish goalie. A penalty for Austria.
Polish defender J.Bak "allegedly" pulled the shirt of an Austrian player.
Wastic scores for 1-1. Poland goes home.:cool:
Ofc he did it, but there was a myth created that Howard Webb stole this win. Especially it happened in 93rd minute.
So, if you don;t want to get mugged, raped, killed and raped once again don't say "Howard Webb" when among Poles.
(sry for F-word in the demotivator)


Ah, right....never knew that but your honest enough to admit it actually was a penalty :DL

(With moderators hat on).....Please be kind enough to delete or edit the image now.

[BossMark]

I reckon Ferguson is going to regret resting Howard Webb for such a big game.
Man utd fan feeling down, thinking that it will ruin your Christmas and new year.
Then call the old trafford helpline on 0800 1 6 1 6 1 6 1 6
:haha::har::haha::har::haha::har:

[Jimbuna]

Man utd fan feeling down, thinking that it will ruin your Christmas and new year.
Then call the old trafford helpline on 0800 1 6 1 6 1 6 1 6
:haha::har::haha::har::haha::har:

I enjoyed watching the game :DL

[BossMark]

I enjoyed watching the game :DL
Bloody marvellous wasnt it :D


Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."Second guy: "That"s nothing! I had to promise my wife I"d build her a new deck for the pool."Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I"ll remodel the kitchen for her."They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.So they asked him. "You haven"t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What"s the deal?"Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater."

[Jimbuna]

All the Man United players look pretty upset. Except Rooney. He can't count to 6. He just looks confused.

[BossMark]

My little sister needs help getting dressed.She"s not disabled - she keeps on wearing a Man Utd top

[Jimbuna]

My dog does a somersault everytime Man Utd score a goal.

Sometimes he does two somersaults, it depends how hard I kick him.

[BossMark]

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it ?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

[BossMark]

Q. What's the difference between Manchester United and a black cab?
A. A black cab only lets five in!

[Jimbuna]

Howard Webb's kids have denied their Dad is a secret Man Utd fan.

"He is totally unbiased," Alex, George, Bobby, Matt and Cristiano stated.

[BossMark]

It took most Man United fans over eight hours to get home on Sunday night.
The M6/M1 were bumper to bumper all the way back to London.

[Jimbuna]

It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal.

[BossMark]

The scene: Monday morning in the Ferguson household.
Mrs Fergie: " Get up, Alex! It's just gone 7!"
Fergie: " Oh, no! Have they scored again?"

[BossMark]

Turkey hit by a 7.4 earthquake up to a thousand feared dead.
Manchester United hit by a 6.1 thrashing, millions cant stop laughing...

[Jimbuna]

I hired a Thai prostitute once.

I got shafted.

[BossMark]

How do you confuse Man Utd supporters?
Ask them the way to Manchester.

[Jimbuna]

Average life xpectancy for a woman: 81.7 years

Average life expectancy for a man: 77.4 years

Typical. Most of them don't even like football and they get to see an extra World Cup.

[BossMark]

Two men are shopping in a supermarket when their trolleys collide. The first guy says, "sorry about that mate, I"m trying to find my wife!"The second guy says, "yeah, me too mate."The first guy says, "maybe I can help, what does she look like?"The second guy answers, "she"s tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, great tits and a tight arse. What does yours look like?"The first guy replies, "never mind her, let"s find yours!

[Jimbuna]

"The doctor said i haven't got enough iron in my diet" said my wife

"I agree, here you can press this lot for a start" i replied handing her my shirts

[BossMark]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It"s gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It"s gonna start any second!""That"s it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don"t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don"t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh hell. It"s started."

[BossMark]

A dog is truly a man"s best friend.
If you don"t believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

[Jimbuna]

I sat down opposite a woman breast feeding her baby in the doctors waiting room earlier.

"What you here for?" I asked.

"Its my son, he's sick," she frowned. "What about you?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I just spotted you through the window."

[BossMark]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny"s mother says,
"Let"s not be too harsh on them... they"re bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary"s mother.
"He"s taken her bloody appendix out!

[Jimbuna]

The wife and me were checking in our cases at the airport when the girl at the check in desk said "your wife is quite a bit overweight sir" I replied "yes I know, shes struggled with her weight ever since the kids"

[BossMark]

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he"s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He"s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn"t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don"t resist, don"t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he"ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "he wasn"t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

[Jimbuna]

As a child there is nothing more embarrassing than your mum going topless on holiday.

I haven't been back to Legoland since.

[BossMark]

They say alcoholism is an illness.So why can"t we call in drunk to work ?

[BossMark]

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

[Jimbuna]

Well, all my clocks have gone back.

Glad I kept the receipts, damn things were all running an hour fast...

[Herr-Berbunch]

Took the dog for a long walk this morning. Walked past the local cemetary where I saw four blokes wandering around carrying a coffin. Several hours later I walked past again and they were still there, aimlessly walking around.

They've lost the plot, I thought.

[Jimbuna]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch so he picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

[BossMark]

My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?""Yes, I think so," I replied."I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother"s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."

[1480]

Why do married men die before their wives?





Because they want to!

[nikimcbee]

Dallas Cowboys defense.:har:

[Jimbuna]

To all the local kids....

Don't come knocking on my door tonight as the wife is in again this year and I don't want you all screaming and terrified again like last Halloween.

[BossMark]

A tramp walks into a bar and asks for a cocktail stick, the barman gives it to him and he leaves. a minute later anothr tramp walks into the bar and asks for another cocktail stick. the barman gives it him and he walks out the bar. just then a thrid tramp comes in and asks for a straw, the barman says "hold on a sec, two homeless guys just came in asking for a cocktail stick and now you're asking for a straw. whats going on?" to which the tramp replies: "someone has just thrown up outside, and all the chunky bits are gone

[Jimbuna]

Nobody came to my door this Halloween...

Maybe because I live in a dead-end.

[BossMark]

A blonde calls up an airline ticket counter and asks,
"How long are your flights from London to Glasgow?"
The ticket clerk replies, "just a minute, madam...""Thank you", says the blonde, and hangs up.

[Jimbuna]

I called the cops to tell them that a couple were making out in a phonebox on my street.

They told me they'd look into it.

[Lord_magerius]

I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world,
I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said for christmas this year she would like something a bit "risque".

Driving lessons it is.

[BossMark]

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the police station the other day and a woman came in with tear's in her eye's, whilst walking like she had just given birth to a giraffe.

When she got to the counter she said to the policeman "I've been graped" to which he replied "don't you mean raped?" and she says "no, there were a bunch of them"

[BossMark]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You"re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You"re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I"ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I"m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I"ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn"t have one."

[PapaKilo]

Save the words, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln_omwmIEu4&feature=fvwrel

[BossMark]

Two lions walking down a supermarket aisle,
One turns to the other and says "Quiet in here today, isn"t it?"

[Jimbuna]

The Pakistan team have issued a statement expressing their shock at the involvement of three Pakistani players in match fixing and promised to clean up their act before the 2-1 series defeat to the West Indies next year.

[BossMark]

The ICC confirms.....DNB next to a Pakistani batsman's name in the scorecard still means 'Did Not Bat' and NOT 'Did Not Bet'

[Jimbuna]

My thick mate came into the pub last night with a black eye, so I said,

"What happened to you?"

"I got hit by a bloke at work", he complained.

"What do you expect?", I laughed. "You're a boxer."

[Gerald]

Nobody came to my door this Halloween...

Maybe because I live in a dead-end. :haha:

[Jimbuna]

When I'm on my death bed, I want my final words to be "I left one million dollars in the..."

[Platapus]

I was in the police station the other day and a woman came in with tear's in her eye's, whilst walking like she had just given birth to a giraffe.

When she got to the counter she said to the policeman "I've been graped" to which he replied "don't you mean raped?" and she says "no, there were a bunch of them"

Well that is the raisin d'etre of the police department after all. :yep:

[BossMark]

I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards.
I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle , jump in the car and bugger off.

[Jimbuna]

I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

[BossMark]

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

[BossMark]

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to £400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

[Jimbuna]

My wife climbed on my lap, facing me on the sofa last night.

"Is that a bone I feel?" she winked.

"Yeah," I replied. "It's the one that's just snapped in my leg, you fat bugga!"

[1480]

But mommy mommy, I don't want to go to Europe this way.....shut up and keep swimming!

[Jimbuna]

Save money this Christmas by trashing your house and telling your kids you were burgled.

[BossMark]

A skydiving instructor is answering questions from a group of first-time jumpers.A nervous beginner asks, "so, if my my chute doesn"t open, and the reserve doesn"t open either, how long do I have until I hit the ground?"The instructor replies, "you have the rest of your life."

[Jimbuna]

You know you're Greek when you share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a £45,000 Audi.

[BossMark]

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[Jimbuna]

"Man City's Yaya Toure admits they are some way off Barcelona.

Yeah, I suppose he's right. In talent, ability, skill, vision, Teamwork, class,
Fanbase and Trophies. Apart from that, they're snapping at Barca's heels.

[BossMark]

The teacher told every one to write something that was interesting that had happened that week. she called on Jimmy and he said out loud, "my daddy fell in a well" " my goodness,is he all right," "the teacher said well he must be he stopped calling for help yesterday."

[Jimbuna]

I've written an offensive joke about goal line technology in football.

I'm not sure if it crosses the line or not?

[BossMark]

So, I was working in a library and this bloke comes up to me and says,
"Do you have a bookmark?"
I said, "Yes, we have hundreds...but my name"s Dave"

[Jimbuna]

I've reset my controller configuration for Michael Owen on FIFA 12:

A: Injure hamstring.
B: Injure hamstring.
X: Gaze at pitch from bench.
Y: Injure hamstring.

[BossMark]

Ten Liverpudlians arrive in heaven at the Pearly Gates to be met by St Peter."What are you doing here?" he asks, "We`ve got no record of you. Just wait here while I check with The Boss"So off he goes to check with God who tells him to go back and ask them how they died.A few minutes later he reports back to God, "They`ve gone""Gone?.. what all the Scousers?", queries God."No, the Gates" replies St Peter

[Jimbuna]

I decided to boycott the creators of Thomas and friends after ignoring my idea for a new character.
I thought a new 'female' transport car that keeps losing her cargo would of helped to keep the show fresh.
They never even gave Miss Carriage a chance.

[BossMark]

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Jimbuna]

I own a musical instrument shop and I've decided when I die im going to donate my organs to people that need them ...

[BossMark]

The Korean Canine Society has launched its festive campaign.
The slogan is "A dog is not just for Christmas. It should do for Boxing Day as well."

[Jimbuna]

The six men locked away in steel tubes for a year and a half to simulate a mission to Mars have emerged from isolation.

After hearing the music of Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black, they have now agreed to do a mission to Pluto.

[BossMark]

The French Army have unveiled their new flag.
A white cross on a white background.

[Jimbuna]

The German troops with NATO in Afghanistan have been selling tshirts with the slogan:
"Hey Grandad, I made it further east than you"

[BossMark]

When I was a kid my dad taught me that saving money was a great idea.
Whenever I had a spare penny, he told me to put it in my blue box.
When I had enough I would swap them for a ten pence and put them in my red box.
When I had enough tens, I would swap them for a fifty pence and put them in my black box.
Took me years to learn that I was feeding the bloody gas meter

[BossMark]

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away freon work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[Jimbuna]

An Irishman staggers out of the pub one night, unzips his flies and starts peeing into the town fountain.
A copper walks past and says, "stop that, and put it away."The Irishman shoves his .... back in his trousers and zips up.
The copper is about to move on when the man starts laughing."What"s so funny?" asked the cop."Fooled you," says the Irishman,
"I may have put it away but I didn"t stop.

Guess what the infraction will be for (your online so 10 minutes grace) :03:

[Jimbuna]

What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?

A coin to scratch it with.

[BossMark]

It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the altar, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.

[Jimbuna]

Today United boss Fergie has announced there's only one way to celebrate on a day like this at his 25th year at United.

Hopefully by jumping on a bonfire.

[Jimbuna]

Harry Redknapp has undergone minor heart surgery.

When asked about the cause he replied, ''Jamie asked me for a job.''

[PapaKilo]

If I install windows 7 32 bit twice, would that make it 64 bit ?

[BossMark]

The head of MI5 says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the UK.
That doesn"t bother me - I got married last week

[Jimbuna]

On the eve of bonfire night, firemen came into my work and told us what to do in case our clothes caught fire. They told us the technique that we should use is called the 'Cristiano Ronaldo'

Or as it's more commonly known, Stop, Drop and Roll.

[BossMark]

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.

"Well?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

[Jimbuna]

BBC one are to release a new cooking programme for abused housewifes.

Its called 'Cant cook, Right hook!'

[BossMark]

I wanted to ask my wife her honest view on sexist jokes.
But she was too busy doing the cooking.

[Jimbuna]

I can't stand watching crap like the X-Factor.

I have to sit down.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend just sang to me for the first time,
She sang "You make me feel like a natural woman"
It was nice, but it annoyed me that she"d put the iron down and stopped cooking to sing to me

[Jimbuna]

My wife rang me earlier.

"I'm leaving you!" she spat. "I'll be round to collect my things after work."

"Babe, can we talk about this?" I pleaded. "I mean, you haven't got a key and I'll be in the pub."

[BossMark]

This judge once sentenced me for breaking and entering.
I said, "I didn"t do it."The judge said, "you were caught with burglar tools in your possession.
"I said, "in that case you can send me down for rape.
"He said, "did you really rape someone?"
I said, "no, but I had the tools on me."

[Jimbuna]

Children from hull get on average only 5p per tooth from the tooth fairy.

So people would call it luck that inbreeding has gifted them with thousands of teeth..

[BossMark]

I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn"t help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically."Why are you so happy?" I asked."My wife"s been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she"s lost 5 pounds." the man replied."What"s so funny about that?" I asked."Well," he says "I"ve worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"

[PapaKilo]

Two collegues talking:

- Do you have any idea what my wifie yesterday offered me ?

- No way, what ?

- She said: You know what Peter, make something tasty for dinner.

- And ?

- Nothing, we both had a good laughter :DL

[Jimbuna]

"The Olympic torch is going to be making its way to the UK from Athens once it's been set alight in a ceremony using a mirror and the sun."

Poor buggas...I'm sure the Germans would've lent them a box of matches had they thought to ask.

[BossMark]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses" wife instead. "I"m afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I"VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

[Jimbuna]

Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google or Wikipedia

[BossMark]

I went into town this morning and there was one of those stupid mimes in the square.
First he walked up a ladder that wasn"t there.
Then he cleaned a window that wasn"t there.
Then he walked into a fist that was there.

[Jimbuna]

I'm a big fan of the art form of mime.

Whenever I see a mime artist performing in the town square, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.

[BossMark]

You really do have to hand it to the French...
After all, they won"t fight for it.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the woman divorce the bin man?..........He treated her like trash!!!

[BossMark]

My mate said to me today,
"What would you like people to say at your funeral?"
I said, "Preferably: "Look at that! He"s bloody coming back to life!""

[Jimbuna]

The Olympic Flag now has only 4 rings: Green, blue, red and black.

The Greeks had to pawn the gold one.

[BossMark]

The French Government recently announced that they have made thier army twice as efficient by sewing white flags on the backs of their troops jackets.
They can now run away and surrender at the same time.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently the phrase "the customer is always right" doesn't apply when I'm trying to buy a shed load of booze for my 16th birthday party

[BossMark]

How come anorexia is an eating disorder?
I would have said it was a "not eating" disorder.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was livid when I made a show of her drunk last night.

Especially when she walked in and found me and the lads watching the tape.

[BossMark]

An Australian backpacker walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager from the barmaid. She recognises his accent and they begin chatting. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place for sex. Although she is attracted to him, she declines. He then offers her two hundred quid. The waitress is also travelling the world and is short of funds, so she agrees.The next night he returns and orders another lager. Later in the evening, he offers her another two hundred quid for her services. She is only too happy to agree. This goes on for five nights.On the sixth night, the traveller comes in, orders a lager and sits in the corner. Hoping to earn more cash in another night of passion, the waitress pulls up a seat, and asks him where"s he"s from."Melbourne," the traveller replies."So am I! What suburb in Melbourne?" she asks."Glen Iris," he replies."That"s amazing," she says, "so am I! What street?""Cameo Street, he replies."This is unbelievable," she says. "What number?""Number 20.""You are not going to believe this but I"m from number 22 and my parents still live there!""I know," the man replies. "Your father gave me a thousand pounds to give to you."

[Jimbuna]

I made the bravest call of my life playing poker last night.

I rang the wife to tell her I had just lost the house.

[BossMark]

3 men die on Xmas eve,to get into heaven St Peter says"you must have something on you that represnts Xmas"the Englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle,St Peter lets him pass,Welsh man pulls out a set of keys and jinglesthem and says they are bells,St Peter lets him pass, the Irish man pulls outa G string and St Peter says how the hell do they represent Xmas!!Paddy says they"re CAROLS!!

[Jimbuna]

My scouse mate said, "I hated my time in prison."

I said, "Did you manage to take anything from it?"

He replied, "Yeah, a couple of bars of soap, a t.v and a guys I-pod."

[BossMark]

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it"s inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...They buried her.

[Jimbuna]

My Grandad woke up with a puzzled look on his face.

The daft bugga had fallen asleep on his jigsaw.

[BossMark]

A man goes in to his doctors surgery and asks, "Doctor, do you think I will live until I"m 100?"
The doctor asks, "Do you drink, smoke or do drugs?" The man replies, "No". The doctor then asks, "Do you like to sleep around with women, and go out partying?" The man replies,
"No, I don"t."The doctor then asks,
"Well, why the bloody hell do you want to live until you"re 100 then?"

[Jimbuna]

Tomorrow is 11/11/11 not 11/11/11 stupid Americans.

[Lord_magerius]

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's still all fun and games, just without depth perception.

[Jimbuna]

I dropped 2p down the toilet earlier today.

It was doubly annoying as I only went in to spend a penny.

[JU_88]

I dropped 2p down the toilet earlier today.

It was doubly annoying as I only went in to spend a penny.

Thats nothing

I dropped an iphone down the toilet earlier today.

It was doubly annoying as I only went in to fish your 2p out.

[Jimbuna]

Thats nothing

I dropped an iphone down the toilet earlier today.

It was doubly annoying as I only went in to fish your 2p out.

LOL....touche :DL

[Sailor Steve]

Tomorrow is 11/11/11 not 11/11/11 stupid Americans.
:rotfl2: :rock:




Waitaminute... :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

:O::03:

[Lord_magerius]

I got chatting to this hot girl last night.
'You must have some points on your license,' I said.
'Aww because I've got 'fine' written all over me?' she winked.
'Well no ... because you're a woman.'

[Jimbuna]

Marks and Spencer's cut Frankie Cocozza out of there Christmas advert

But why should he care,he must have some sort of advertisement deal with coca cola,the amount he goes on about it.

[BossMark]

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

[Jimbuna]

66% of Irish People like Jedward....

That's Two Turds.

[BossMark]

A blond decides to go ice fishing.
So she cuts a hole in the ice and sets up her stool when a voice booms from the heavens,
"There are no fish under that ice." She moves her stool over ten feet and cuts another hole. Again, a voice says,
""There are no fish under that ice!""Is that you God?" the blond asks.
"No. This is the manager of the ice rink."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: "A man handed himself in to a police station today after CCTV cameras caught a cat being swung by its tail."

How else can you measure the size of a room?!

[Jimbuna]

Daddy, how was I born?

'Well, son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got MALE!!!

[BossMark]

What"s got 90 balls and likes to screw old women?
Bingo!

[Jimbuna]

I got chatting to this hot girl last night.

'You must have some points on your license,' I said.

'Aww because I've got 'fine' written all over me?' she winked.

'Well no ... because you're a woman.'

[BossMark]

Half of relationships end because of bad sex.
Mine however ended because of good sex...
With another Woman.

[Jimbuna]

Saw this on eBay:

For sale: French military uniform, used only once.

Warning: may contain some nasty poo stains.

[BossMark]

Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they can watch the battle.

[Jimbuna]

I hate how many French people play Call of Duty 4, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.

[BossMark]

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
We don"t know, it hasn"t been tried yet.

[Jimbuna]

Just managed to bribe a fat bird to have sex with me.
Piece of cake.

[BossMark]

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence.Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it."And the Englishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I"ll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again."

[Jimbuna]

My first night working as a bouncer didn't last long...

As soon as I got there they showed me the door.

[Hottentot]

Ivan from Russia and Bronislaw from Poland are digging a ditch on a construction site. All the sudden Bronislaw's shovel hits something hard, that appears to be made out of metal. Looking around and not seeing anyone else nearby, the two quickly dig it up.

It turns out to be a treasure chest full of gold coins. The pair stares it amazed with their fortune: the treasure must be worth more than they both make in ten years combined.

"Bronislaw, my friend", Ivan says. "Since we found this treasure together and there is no one else in here, I suggest we share it together like only a Russian and a Pole can share."
Bronislaw shake's his head furiously: "No way, I want 50/50!"

(I have a nagging feeling this may have been here already.)

[Jimbuna]

My Girlfriend and I took the next step in our relationship by opening a joint account.

Our drugs addiction is spiralling out of control.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all sentenced for ten years each for their part in a robbery.However, they are allowed to take a lot of one thing only in with them."I think I"ll take books." says the Englishman."I think I"ll take me" some booze." says the Scotman."I"ll take me" some cigarettes." says Paddy, the Irishman.Ten years later they are released from prison.The Englishman comes out a genius, from reading all of his books for ten years.The Scotsman comes out an alcoholic, with liver failure, from drinking all his booze.Paddy comes out and asks desperately, "Anyone got a light!??"

[Jimbuna]

In the car, I said to my wife, "You've been driving this haven't you?"

She said, "How do you know?"

I said, "Because the clutch is knackered."

She said, "Don't blame me, I've never used it."

[BossMark]

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day, he just wasn"t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man"s death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said,
"I"m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned
."She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked,
"Tell me, did he suffer?""I don"t think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the toilet.

[Sailor Steve]

We had that one before. :O:

[Jimbuna]

I've got a lighter with a pink flame.

I use it for starting camp fires.

[BossMark]

We had that one before. :O:
Ooops :oops:

Murphy: "You"ve a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy.
What are their names?"
Paddy: "I"ve called them, One and Two".
Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?" Paddy:
""Coz if One dies, I"ve still got Two".

[Jimbuna]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have Alzheimer's
Have some toast.

[BossMark]

A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant."Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don"t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients"."Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:"So,Murphy, how was your day?"Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.""Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor."The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy."Bravo, bravo! You"re good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor."Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"""Thunderin Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor."I put drops in her eyes."

[Jimbuna]

Scrabble, it's all fun and games until someone loses an i.

[BossMark]

Paddy and Murphy are piloting a glider when Paddy turns and says,
"hey, Murphy, if I turn this plane upside down, will we fall out?"
To which Murphy replies, "don"t be so stupid, we"ve been friends for years."

[Jimbuna]

True story, happened 5 mins ago while at work in my Taxi..

I picked an Irish student girl up who asked to go to a cash point, so i took her.

So, as she was getting out the car i said "i'll just turn around ok"

To which she replied "It's ok, you wont see my pin from here!"

[BossMark]

Paddy and Murphy are at the airport, queuing at check-in at the beginning of their holiday.
"I wish I had brought the TV with me" said Paddy"Why"s that?" asks Murphy
"Because the bloody tickets are on top of it"

[BossMark]

Paddy & Murphy are walking home after a night out and they pass the bus depot."Let"s nick a bus!", says Paddy not wanting to walk home.
He then offers to keep watch while Murphy breaks in.
Twenty minutes later he looks through the gates to see Murphy flapping.
"I can"t find a no.7 anywhere",Murphy yells."You bloody idiot" replies Paddy "Just take a no.9 and we"ll walk from the roundabout!".

[Jimbuna]

How do you cook sausages in the jungle?

Put them on a gorilla!

[Sailor Steve]

Paddy & Murphy are walking home after a night out and they pass the bus depot."Let"s nick a bus!", says Paddy not wanting to walk home.
He then offers to keep watch while Murphy breaks in.
Twenty minutes later he looks through the gates to see Murphy flapping.
"I can"t find a no.7 anywhere",Murphy yells."You bloody idiot" replies Paddy "Just take a no.9 and we"ll walk from the roundabout!".
:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2: :rock::rock:

I almost fell out my chair with that one! :rock:

[BossMark]

2 Irishmen in a dark cave."I can"t see anything" says Paddy,
"Do you have a match?"Murphy gives him a match and he strikes it against the wall of the cave and nothing happens.
He strikes it again, still nothing.
He then says "Murphy, this match doesn"t work."
"That"s funny" says Murphy, "It worked OK this morning."

[Jimbuna]

Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was "dependent on alcohol" to make it through the final Harry Potter films.

That makes two of us.

[Herr-Berbunch]

An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles.

Scientists have named it "Emile Heskey".


- - - - -


The Olympic Flag now only has four rings: Blue, Black, Green, and Red.


The Greeks had to pawn the Gold.


- - - - -


As a kid my mum used to have my birthday parties in the local laundrette.


We had to play pass the persil.


- - - - -


Looks like Greece is going to quit the Euro and go back to it's old currency.


Typical Greeks, always making a drachma out of a crisis




Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm crap at remembering jokes so these are lifted from my friends FB profile.

[Jimbuna]

Paul Gascoigne to Piers Morgan : i was on 4 bottles of whiskey a day

Or as the Geordies call it 'being a lightweight'

[BossMark]

Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on his holidays. Murphy says "Yeah, cheers mate get me 200 Benson's.
"Two weeks later Paddy comes home, sees Murphy in the pub and says,
"I got your fags, you owe me sixty-eight quid.
""For gods sake," said Murphy, "where did you go on holiday?"Paddy says, "Butlins."

[Jimbuna]

When Jean-Luc Picard had some spare time from the Starship Enterprise, he enjoyed working on his little farm.
Some of the equipment was old and poorly maintained.
He had huge problems getting the seed drill to work and eventually had to call a mechanic.
The mechanic tutted, "It'll cost a bit to get this working. What do you want me to do?"

"Make it sow."

[BossMark]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn"t seem to make it with any of the girls.
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it"s obvious," says the lifeguard,
"You"re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They"re years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside "em.
I"m tellin" ya mate...you"ll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,
"What"s wrong now?" "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front!"

[Jimbuna]

I joined 3 golf clubs today.

Now I can practice my putting in the garden from the upstairs bedroom window.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman"s wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren"t you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded. "Well, you don"t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here"s 50 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman"s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You"ve no knickers--why not?" She replies, "I can"t afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here"s 20 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman"s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?"She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin" money ta be able ta afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here"s a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit. "

[Jimbuna]

It's sickening to hear racist chants coming from the stand against Darren Bent at the England vs Spain game...

John Terry really needs to keep his big mouth shut.

[BossMark]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"

The bartender asks "so which one died?"

"No one."

"But you only ordered two drinks!"

"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

[Jimbuna]

"Welcome back to the second part of today's talk on dementia. Now, where were we?"

[BossMark]

The other night, I bought a Chinese meal.
I was horrified when a pair of eyes were staring at me through my noodles.
It was okay though- it was only my peking duck.

[Jimbuna]

Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier.

They are currently grilling George Foreman.

[BossMark]

A man says to his wife, "What would you say if I told you I"d won the lottery?
"She says, "I"d take half and then leave you.
""Excellent," the guy says. "I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here"s a fiver... now bugger off!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife said to me "Shall I slip into something that will make you smile?"
I replied with, "Yes, how about a coma.''

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

"Capricorn." I replied.

"Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

[BossMark]

I"ve just bought some mince pies from Asda."Ideal for Christmas Day."
It says on the box."Best before Nov 21."

[Jimbuna]

I've just bought a 3D Kindle.

Or a book as it's commonly known.

[BossMark]

Two friends go to a prostitute.
The first guy goes in and comes out ten minutes later and said,
"My wife"s better than that."So the next guy goes in then ten minutes later and said,
"You"re right, your wife is better than that."

[Jimbuna]

The recession is affecting the pharmaceutical industry.
A company that makes sleeping pills has seen its customers drop off.
A company that makes linctus can't get its debtors to cough up.
A company that makes triangular bandages is having to cut corners.
And a company that makes laxatives has gone into liquidation.

[BossMark]

A child psychologist visits a school to find out what the children of today are thinking.
First he sees a boy in the corner of the playground running around in circles and pretending to be a truck.
"So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks."I"m a truck driver and are driving all over the world," the boy responds.
Next, the psychologist sees another boy who appears to be doing press-ups in the middle of the playground.
"So what are you doing then?" the psychologist asks,
"I"m sorting out his wife while he"s gone."

[Jimbuna]

Just watched Lady Gaga performing the song Marry The Night on the X factor...

I'm guessing that Gaga will be the groom then.

[BossMark]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other,
"Quick! Show him your cross."So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts,
"Get off our bloody car you stupid git."

[Jimbuna]

Did mime artists observe a minute's noise today?

[BossMark]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare,
"it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."He addressed the men:
"can you each name and describe your wife"s favourite flower?"
I leaned over, touched my wife"s arm gently and whispered, "self-raising, isn"t it?"

[Jimbuna]

Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
"It's not what it looks like," I pleaded.
"Well, what is it then?" she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
"A woman," I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Last week my old gran checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself 'Tender Tony'- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one...No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! How does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line"

[BossMark]

A bloke knocked my front door today....said he was collecting for the local swimming pool......
so I gave him two buckets of water.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish..each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No excrement!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist

[BossMark]

A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car.
A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man,
" Did you get a look at the driver?"
"No. " said the man, "but I can tell you it was my wife."
"How"s that ?"asked the policeman.And the man said,
" I"d recognise her laugh anywhere."

[Jimbuna]

Roses are grey, Violets are grey, Everything's grey, I'm a dog.

[BossMark]

The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just able to get back to the bank.After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were watching from the other side of the bank and one said to the other" Come on George, don"t you think it"s time we told him he was adopted?"

[Jimbuna]

I was stood in the car park at Wentworth golf course today. A guy came up to me and said, "Are you a member here?"

I said, "No, they said I'm to scruffy to become a member."

He said, "Join the club."

I said, "Are you deaf, I'm to scruffy to become a member."

[BossMark]

A nun walks into Mother Superior"s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family.""It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord"s name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!""Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it"s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!""Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn"t make you blaspheme, Sister!""No, that wasn"t it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother."But I didn"t, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that"s when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile."Nope, that wasn"t it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the bloody putt, didn"t you?"

[Jimbuna]

In The Sun today:

"A MAN appeared in court today accused of abducting and sexually assaulting a ten-year-old boy.

Michael Jackson, 49, was remanded in custody during the brief appearance at Warley Magistrates' Court, in West Mids, this morning".


Not again...

[BossMark]

You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

[Jimbuna]

Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

[BossMark]

A young boy asks his Dad,
"What is the difference between confident and confidential?"Dad says,
"You are my son, I"m confident about that.
But see your friend over there? He is also my son.
That"s confidential."

[Nikkolo]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."