The joke thread

[Herr-Berbunch]

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco buying a large bag of dry dog food for my Daughter's Springer Spaniel and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree Chum and simply eat one or two bits every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[Jimbuna]

Told that one a few times on my travels...still a golden oldie though :)

[BossMark]

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No crap?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Jimbuna]

I killed a huge mouse when I was on a family holiday last week.

It could talk and everything... That's the last time we're going to Disney Land.

[BossMark]

A guy goes into a bar. He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet. Because he is afraid someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!".

[eddie]

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[Jimbuna]

Against a tough Ukraine side, England will have to start ugly tonight... or Wayne Rooney as he's more commonly known.

[BossMark]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mum has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

[Jimbuna]

The Arabian inventor of the bullet-proof vehicle died today.

R.I.P. Ahmed Carr

[Jimbuna]

I walked up to a bloke sat in the pub last night.

"Is that your wife who's just nipped outside for a fag?" I asked.

"Yes it is," he replied.

"Well, you're a very lucky man," I said.

"Gorgeous, isn't she?" he smiled.

"No," I replied. "She's just been knocked over by a bus."

[RundownJet]

(Im Back!, And sadly the jokes didnt get any better. So here's a very "Great" One-liner to celebrate my return!:haha:)

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades"...Eh?

[RundownJet]

"I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone"...Eh?

[RundownJet]

"A baby seal walks into a club." ..Eh?

[stoppro]

where's bossmark and jimbuna- we need help here

[RundownJet]

where's bossmark and jimbuna- we need help here

:har: Sounds like you guys missed my Jokes!
So here's another one!..Eh?

Q: How do celebrities stay cool?
A: They have many fans!

[RundownJet]

And one more for good measure..For now Eh?:D

There was a mathematician who frequently sunbathed and often strayed from the topic of conversation. He was a real tan gent!

[RundownJet]

I went for a job as a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out..Eh?

[RundownJet]

"Couldn't pass this up:D"

Q: Why can a man never go hungry in a great desert?
A: He can eat the sand which is there.

[RundownJet]

Q: How much do dead batteries cost?
A: Nothing - they're free of charge!

[RundownJet]

Archaeologists in Britain found part of an ancient door. It had a stone hinge on it.:haha:

[BossMark]

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Melbourne City Council, Australia has established a "Women Only" parking lot.
Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Please see below for the first picture available of this world-first parking lot in Australia:
http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/parking_lot.jpg (http://www.guy-sports.com/funny/funny_australian_stories.htm)

[BossMark]

'I'm thinking of whitewashing the shed,' said Finnegan to the barman Michael McGee.
'What colour were you thinking of whitewashing it?' asked McGee.
'Well, I was thinking of whitewashing it green,' mused Finnegan. 'But I'm not sure if I can spare the time.'
'Why don't you let my lad do it for you,' suggested Mick. 'He'll whitewash it any colour you like. He won't charge you a penny and it'll be a few quid for the boy as well!

[Jimbuna]

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.

"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,

"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."

"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"

"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."

"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."

So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."

[RundownJet]

Time for more "Great" Jokes!

Q: Why did the horse request to move stables?
A: He couldn't stand the neigh-bours!

[RundownJet]

"I just "affixed" a stamp to an envelope as the envelope instructed me to do. I realised that I enjoy affixing stamps. Does this make me a stamp affixionado?"..Eh?

[RundownJet]

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying.
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant...Eh?

[Jimbuna]

Q: What happens if the local butcher receives a complaint regarding a bad slice of spam?

A: The offending spam is taken off the shelf and a new menu is created.

[kiwi_2005]

How NOT to use LOL

My ma ain't too computer speak savvy and has been on Facebook for about a year yet still thinks lol means lots of love.
I don't use FB myself but was around her place today and hopped on her puter to see how some of my auctions were going and her FB was still logged in so I had a quick gawk...

Aunt: Hi (ma's name here), Pete passed away last night,we were all around him when he left so now we are making plans for his funeral. Are you and Dave coming up for it?

Ma: Hi, sorry to hear of Pete's passing, lol, myself and Dave won't be there for his funeral but he will be in our thoughts at this sad time lol.
We can make it for his unveiling next year if that happens. LOL.

Aunt: Ok...good to hear from you,luv to all.

Ma: LOL!

[BossMark]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, so she immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, ''Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I
could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Gold-circle Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting in my car outside my ex-girlfriends house, when she approached me and said, "Everyday for the past week, I've noticed you sitting here, are you stalking me or something?"

"Don't flatter yourself," I replied, "I've been using your internet connection."

[WernherVonTrapp]

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their navals.

Because blonde guys are stupid too.:haha:

[RundownJet]

I tried to get a job as a beer taster once, but in the end, I bottled it!

[RundownJet]

Q: Why don't pigs use the telephone?
A: Because there's crackling on the line!

[Jimbuna]

I am going to 'The Annual Sarcasm Convention' tomorrow.

What an inventive name.

[BossMark]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

[Nippelspanner]

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their navals.

Because blonde guys are stupid too.:haha:

:har:

[Jimbuna]

I reckon I might have a chance of winning the competition to find Britain's most independent man..... I just need somebody to get me the details of how to enter.

[BossMark]

The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 roubles.

Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.

The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.

They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward."

The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?"

The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

[BossMark]

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.

He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

[Jimbuna]

I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down!"

[RundownJet]

US Navy vs Canada

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY
AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.

[BossMark]

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[Jimbuna]

US Navy vs Canada

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY
AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.

One of the oldest in the book and been posted here on more than one occasion I believe.

[Sailor Steve]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio
conversation of a U.S. naval task force with the Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of
Naval Operations10-10-95.
Absolute fantasy, pure and simple. I heard the story in 1970, and it was the battleship New Jersey, and it turned out to be false then. Apparently it's at least as old as 1939. It's been told and retold a thousand times, and it's never been "an actual transcript".

It's been told here several times, and it's never been true.
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

[BossMark]

Absolute fantasy, pure and simple. I heard the story in 1970, and it was the battleship New Jersey, and it turned out to be false then. Apparently it's at least as old as 1939. It's been told and retold a thousand times, and it's never been "an actual transcript".

It's been told here several times, and it's never been true.
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp
Without looking back at all the pages on this thread I am sure that me or Jim posted it or something very similar.

[Jimbuna]

That's the last time I take the kids to lego land.......... every where we tried to go was blocked.

[BossMark]

Little Johnny took a note into school that his mother had written for the teacher following a picture that he had drawn of Mummy at work earlier that week. It read as follows:-
Dear Miss Jones,
the picture Johnny drew was not a pole on the stage of a dancing club but of
myself selling a shovel at Wickes DIY. Yours Jenny Smith.

[Jimbuna]

So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise because she hates his movies..

Apparently she found out that he'd been in 'A Few Good Men'.

[BossMark]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Jimbuna]

I hate the woman's voice on my sat-nav.

It said, "Turn right and you're at your destination."

I turned right and went straight into a brick wall.

[BossMark]

This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.

After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Blankets"

After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Food"

After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "I'm Leaving"

The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!"

[Jimbuna]

Just bought a book about Sir Alex Ferguson's face.

50 shades of red.

[BossMark]

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.

[Jimbuna]

I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

[Jimbuna]

Hypnotists reckon they can cure alcoholism merely by implanting an idea in the drinker's head.

It's a sobering thought.

[Kongo Otto]

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please".
The Italians did not know the word "honest".
The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was.
The Europeans did not know "lack", while the***65279; Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

[Kongo Otto]

Hitler is being driven around as suddenly his chauffeur runs over a pig.
Hitler declares that since he is the Führer he will tell the Farmer.
3 Minutes later Hitler runs for the car as fast as he can while the farmer is shooting at him.
As they escape they run over another farmer's pig, now***65279; it's the chauffeur's time.
5 hours later the chauffeur returns utterly plastered and when Hitler aks him what has happened he responds:"I just told them 'Heil Hitler, the sow is dead!"

[Sailor Steve]

If you're going to copy and paste, at least edit the parts that don't translate.

[Jimbuna]

The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.

Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers.

[RundownJet]

Absolute fantasy, pure and simple. I heard the story in 1970, and it was the battleship New Jersey, and it turned out to be false then. Apparently it's at least as old as 1939. It's been told and retold a thousand times, and it's never been "an actual transcript".

It's been told here several times, and it's never been true.
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp


yeah, I discovered that AFTER I posted the stupid thing. Feel like a dumba** for that one. But I was in a rush so I didn't have time to edit it so it would reflect that it wasen't true.

[Sailor Steve]

yeah, I discovered that AFTER I posted the stupid thing. Feel like a dumba** for that one. But I was in a rush so I didn't have time to edit it so it would reflect that it wasen't true.
It's okay. If I had a dollar for every time I've done something stupid on these boards I'd have a new computer. I only get my back up about that one because it has been told so many times here.

You had no way of knowing that, though. All in good fun.

[RundownJet]

And now, More jokes.

What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have Tampa-proof caps.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

[RundownJet]

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken..Eh?

[Jimbuna]

The wife hinted she wanted something special and expensive to put in her bath for her birthday.

This Harrods top of the range toaster should do the trick.

[BossMark]

Hospitals report that the hearts of bankers are in strong demand by transplant patients, because they’ve never been used.

[BossMark]

Barclay's have been fined £290million for fixing interest rates. They say they can’t pay because all their money is tied up in a NatWest account.

[Jimbuna]

It cost me a fortune for my wife and kids at Alton Towers today.

They can think again if they think I'm paying the ransom again on the Somali pirate ship.

[BossMark]

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

[Jimbuna]

"Can you go and get a large screwdriver, I'm trying to fix the door hinge?" My wife asked


"Erm ok, I can do that." I told her before I went downstairs and made myself a pint of vodka and orange juice.

[BossMark]

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend said she hates how I've jumped on the Wimbledon bandwagon.

"Shut up!" I replied, "they're about to tee off."

[BossMark]

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father.
Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.

[BossMark]

A well known dealer in stolen goods was killed today.
A police spokesman said he fell off the back of a lorry.

[Jimbuna]

I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked my wife, "Are there any cars approaching?"

"No," she said, looking out of the passenger window.

As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, "Just a lorry."

[BossMark]

Two young Tories meet at the Bullingdon club one day. The first Tory calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class at Eton the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?"

I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."

[JU_88]

Two chavs are fighting on a bridge, in the struggle they go over the railings and fall to their deaths,
Who wins?

Society.

[Jimbuna]

My friend Dave the mime got through to the Semi-Finals on Britains got talent! He was speech-less!

[BossMark]

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals did you want?'

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it

[Jimbuna]

After my wife died I found myself quickly turning to drink.

The officer who gave me the news asked, "Do you really think this is an appropriate time to be opening a bottle of champagne?"

[Catfish]

I asked my girlfriend whether i could have the newspaper.
She said "Don't be so old-school, take my iPad".
That spider never knew what hit him.

[wellsronald18]

That’s too funny. LOL………..

[Jimbuna]

Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D. They meant Rangers in D3.

[BossMark]

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'
Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.
'Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,
'Sorry, I don't live around here.

[Catfish]

^ I thought the point was already in the first sentence ?

"Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub." :O:

[Jimbuna]

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

[Red October1984]

I DONT MEAN ANY OFFENSE FOR THIS JOKE. :timeout:


What is it called when the Asians vote on a new leader?

Erection. :har:


SORRY FOR ANY OFFENSE I MIGHT HAVE CAUSED!
(you can never be too careful)

[Jimbuna]

My wife needs to stop buying her razors from the pound shop.


That's four pair of jeans now, she's laddered.

[Platapus]

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."


We laugh because it is funny
We cry because it is true :nope:

[Jimbuna]

We laugh because it is funny
We cry because it is true :nope:

Rgr that :yep:

[Red October1984]

We laugh because it is funny
We cry because it is true :nope:

Jawhol, Herr Kommandant! We need a sargent schultz smiley. Hogans Heroes Forever! Best show ever

[Jimbuna]

Just sent the wife and her mother off on a skiing holiday in France.

I also made sure their phones are set to vibrate.

[BossMark]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defence!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[Jimbuna]

I've just went and quit my job at kwik fit, I couldn't handle it

Every night I was coming home tired and exhausted.

[Jimbuna]

Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen.

She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"

I said "My glasses."

[BossMark]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be £3500 for small, £6500 for medium, and £14,000 for large.
The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[Jimbuna]

Every time I go out with my workmates I invariably end up in the corner feeling fat and depressed.

Or Karen and Debbie from Accounts, as they're also known.

[BossMark]

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

[Jimbuna]

Diving with sharks is expensive.
It cost me an arm and a leg when i done it.

[BossMark]

A drunk had 14 shots of Vodka. After he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 999, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "nevermind, i got into the backseat by mistake."

[Sailor Steve]

That reminds me of a cartoon I saw many years ago. A drunk is in a phone booth, calling either his wife or a cab. When asked where he is he looks up and says "I'm at the corner of Telephone and Telephone."

[BossMark]

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My ******* itches, and I can't scratch it!"

[Jimbuna]

I seen a blonde women carrying a large sack through town today. Overcome with curiosity, I asked the blonde what was in the sack.

"Kittens." She said.

"I've always wanted a kitten, if I can guess how many are in the bag will you give me one of them?" I asked excitedly.

"If you can guess how many kittens are in this sack, I'll give you both of them." The blonde replied.

[Sailor Steve]

I seen a blonde women carrying a large sack through town today. Overcome with curiosity, I asked the blonde what was in the sack.

"Kittens." She said.

"I've always wanted a kitten, if I can guess how many are in the bag will you give me one of them?" I asked excitedly.

"If you can guess how many kittens are in this sack, I'll give you both of them." The blonde replied.
And Jim replied "Five"?

[Jimbuna]

And Jim replied "Five"?

Quisling http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/1853/angry8ro5.gif





http://imgcash4.imageshack.us/img144/3336/tonguecm5.gif

[SubConscious]

One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher had the class go home and think of a story that has a moral to it. The following day the teacher asks the class to tell their stories.

Little Suzie raises her hand and says "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive to town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump in the road and many of the eggs broke."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzie replies "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. She says "My family owns a farm, too. Last month we put a dozen chicken eggs into an incubator, but only four of the dozen hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies "Don’t count your chickens before they're hatched."

Next is little Billy, who says "My dad fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He parachuted out of the plane with a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with the machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade on the machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

The teacher looked at little Billy in horror and stammered "What could possibly be the moral to this story!?!"

Little Billy replied "Don't *$#% with dad when he's been drinking."

[Jimbuna]

I was laid out in a hospital bed today when a nurse walked in.

"Hello!" she said, "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, just very tired," I replied.

"No wonder," she smiled, looking at her report. "You've suffered a serious heart attack Mr Green."

"I'm afraid Mr Green died 10 minutes ago," I replied. "I'm just here visiting my gran,"

[BossMark]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Jimbuna]

A salesman knocked on my door today.

I opened it and said, "You'll have to be quick mate, I'm running around like a nutter in here."

"Who is your current energy supplier?" he asked.

I said, "Red Bull."

[SubConscious]

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie--his favorite kind--his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral."

[Jimbuna]

^ :har:

[SubConscious]

The sweet little old lady was at the funeral directors, arranging the details of her late husband's ceremony.
She looked inconsolable as her husband lay there in his brown suit in the casket, but she kept a brave face so as to get all the details and arrangements as perfect as possible.

As she talked to the funeral director, she hesitated then told him that although her husband had only been able to afford the one suit - the brown one he was still wearing - he had been a stickler for correctness and she knew he wouldn't feel right unless he was buried in a proper black suit.

The funeral director was touched by her plight, and said he would see what he could do to help.

The day of the service arrived, and it was an open coffin, and there was her husband in a fine black suit. She was quietly pleased that her difficulty had been resolved, and after the ceremony was over she approached the funeral director to thank him.

"Oh, it was no trouble." he said. "You see, there was another gentleman being buried in a closed coffin, and that gentleman had a black suit..."

She paled at this. "You.. you didn't take his suit off and put it on my husband, did you?", she said, "I...I don't think he would have thought that proper at all."

"Bless me no!", said the kindly funeral director, touching her hand. "Oh, don't worry, there was no need for that. No, you see, we just swapped the heads".

[SubConscious]

Two men are drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when one turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

2nd Man: "What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen".

1st Man:" No, it's true let me prove it to you" So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below, when he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. And he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke".

The 1st Man says: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps hurtling toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well, what the hell, it works. I'll try it" So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th.....floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the remaining drinker and says "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[Jimbuna]

I drove into Paddy's garage and asked.

''How much is a new car tyre ?''

''Ten pound'' He said.

''That's cheap, i''ll take it.'' I said. ''Can you put it on my credit card?''

'' No problem sir.'' He said. ''Most people ask me to put it on the wheel.''

[BossMark]

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

[Jimbuna]

Next week,London will be host to 204 nations. Ironically, 17 less than it is now

[Jimbuna]

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes Pete."

I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later."

He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

[BossMark]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

[BossMark]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.

[Jimbuna]

The joke of armed police for the London Olympics.....and unarmed police for the Paralympics has been used more times than Katie prices pregnancy test.

[BossMark]

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2: Good one! :rock: (and this from an old sailor)

The last lines of the US Marines' hymn is fun: "If the Army and the Navy ever look on heaven's scenes, they will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines!"

[Jimbuna]

I'd just left the pub after having a few too many and I guess I was weaving a bit. I came really close to a cop on the side of the road who was already writing someone a ticket.

"PULL OVER!" He shouted pointing at me.


"Nope, it's just an old cardigan but thanks for noticing!" I replied as I drove off.

[BossMark]

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

[Jimbuna]

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.

I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"

"Yes honey."

"What is it?"

"It's the date of our anniversary."

Bitch.

[BossMark]

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

[Jimbuna]

I took my dog to the vets and asked the vet to remove his tail.

"Why?" he asked "The dogs tail is perfectly healthy."

I said, "My mother in law is visiting this weekend and I want to make sure there are absolutely no signs of her feeling welcomed. "

[BossMark]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the home owner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the home-owner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the home-owner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Herr-Berbunch]

If you're ever Googling 'Gary Oldman' - don't forget the 'r'. :yep:

[Jimbuna]

While on holiday in Egypt with my entire family, I managed to get a good deal on some camels.

With a bit of bartering, I got two gran's worth.

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron has said that the Olympics will be a great way to show the world how welcoming the United Kingdom is.

I think they already know David!!

[BossMark]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."

Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

[Jimbuna]

Having watched the London 2012 Opening Ceremony, I must say...

I've seen better Bond girls.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Having watched the London 2012 Opening Ceremony, I must say...

I've seen better Bond girls.


May I just point out that that particular Bond girl was one you posted in the beautiful women thread. :O:

[Jimbuna]

May I just point out that that particular Bond girl was one you posted in the beautiful women thread. :O:

Of course you may :)

[Jimbuna]

I hear the head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologized to officials on behalf of their team, after realizing shooting and sailing were two separate events.

[BossMark]

I hear the head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologized to officials on behalf of their team, after realizing shooting and sailing were two separate events.
As I have to work with a couple of Somalis
:haha::har::rotfl2:

[BossMark]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million pounds." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million pounds. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

[Jimbuna]

"I demand to see the Manager!" I shouted as I entered my local bank.
He came scuttling over.
"What seems to be the problem, Dave?" He stammered.
"It's been bloody weeks now and I haven't been able to access any of MY bloody money! Enough is enough!"
"What can I do?" he asked.
"I'd like you to stop putting my wages in the joint account, please."

[BossMark]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." Morris replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[BossMark]

Just got my tickets to the Olympic women's beach volleyball final!
Unfortunately, its Iran versus Saudi Arabia.

[Jimbuna]

I've been sat here for ages watching and waiting for a 1st place but all we keep getting is bloody 2nd, 3rd and 4th...

I hate being an Arsenal fan

[Ianthe]

Husband to Wife.....Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart. Your husband .........



.............After some days his wife replied:
Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expense details:
1. The Milkman agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry about me; I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using them. Love You!
get started with the new game pirate 101 (http://www.dotmmo.com/pirate101-9371.html) in the various maps.

[BossMark]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[U570]

which goes further if you throw it off a cliff; Bagpipes, or an Accordion?

Who cares :D:woot:

[Jimbuna]

My boss said, "You've been late into the store nearly every day since you started here. Well not any more. Do you understand?"

"Yeah I think so. You're going to make the opening times later."

[BossMark]

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down, farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

[BossMark]

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.

Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

[Jimbuna]

The last person to question my masculinity got a face-full of piping hot lavender tea.

[Jimbuna]

£500 for Olympic tickets?

The only time I'd expect to be down £500 and see people running is if I've just been mugged.

[BossMark]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says:
"I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darling', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

[Jimbuna]

"I see someone got drunk last night," said my wife waking me up.

"I only had 3 beers, so you're wrong!" I raged.

"Fair enough," she replied, "could you just roll off the driveway, I'm going to be late for work."

[BossMark]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

[Jimbuna]

In Dubai you can't kiss, hold hands or have sex in a public place.

That's me and the wife's next holiday sorted then.

[BossMark]

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honour," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honour. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.

[BossMark]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[Jimbuna]

I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

[Kongo Otto]

If a Punk and a Skin are in the back of a car, who's in front?
A cop.

[Kongo Otto]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather and rags.
His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with piercings and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk barks at the old man, "What are you looking at me you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies,
"Yeah! Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and I f----d a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my son."

[Kongo Otto]

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "either of you know how to starve a punk?"
The Priest looks at the Rabbi, the Rabbi looks back.
They both shrug.
"Hide his food stamps under his work boots!"

[Kongo Otto]

A punk, A skin, and a mod walk into a bar.
The bartender hands them each a beer with a fly in it.
The mod turns the beer away. The punk just drinks the beer in spite of the fly, and the skin grabs the fly by the wings and yells " spit it out! spit it out you bastard!"

[Jimbuna]

My mate's been accusing his wife of cheating on him.

I overheard them in a blazing row upstairs, followed by a loud thud... I think he might have hit her!

Needless to say, I didn't step out of the wardrobe to find out.

[Sailor Steve]

A punk, A skin, and a mod walk into a bar.
The bartender hands them each a beer with a fly in it.
The mod turns the beer away. The punk just drinks the beer in spite of the fly, and the skin grabs the fly by the wings and yells " spit it out! spit it out you bastard!"
I think that one was told somewhere back near page 1, but in that version it was and Englishman, a Scot and and Irishman. :sunny:

[Jimbuna]

It's a terrifying statistic. 70% of young males die behind the wheel.

It isn't all laughs being a hamster.

[Kongo Otto]

I think that one was told somewhere back near page 1, but in that version it was and Englishman, a Scot and and Irishman. :sunny:

Ooops but checking 145 pages would be a little bit to much work (lazy i am, i know).

[Kongo Otto]

"Dark the other side is!"
"Shut up Yoda and eat your toast!"

[Sailor Steve]

Ooops but checking 145 pages would be a little bit to much work (lazy i am, i know).
Not at all. As I constantly say, my memory is a curse.

[BossMark]

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

[BossMark]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[Herr-Berbunch]

Last night I reached onto my bedside table for some liquid viagra, however in the dark I picked up a bottle of Tipp-Ex.

I woke in the morning with a huge correction.



(just for a laugh, check out this Tipp-Ex video and follow it through! - warning NSFW - http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4ba1BqJ4S2M) :har:

[Jimbuna]

A couple of weeks ago I knew nothing about the Olympics, now I can't wait for next year's.

[BossMark]

Paddy an Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Paddy said, "Potato and cabbage! If I get potato and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day Paddy opens his lunch box, sees potato and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

The Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral the Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

The Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunch"

[BossMark]

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Jimbuna]

I saw a scouser walking down the road with a sign saying, "& Emergency" tucked under his arm.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

He said, "I found it by Accident."

[BossMark]

A dyslexic skier goes to the Alps. After putting on his skis he glides over to the nearest kiosk on the slopes and asks... is it ok for me to ski down here mate? The kiosk attendant says... no good asking me I'm a Tobogganist. The dyslexic skier says, oh sorry mate - but while I've got you can I have 20 Benson's and a box of matches please?

[Jimbuna]

We missed a trick not entering Abu Hamza in the boxing

He's got a deadly right hook.

[Jimbuna]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night***8232;when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...

[BossMark]

A man walks into a pub and orders 4 pints of lager. Drinks them straight down and says to the barman "You'll have to excuse me but you'd do the same if you had what I have!".
The barman says "What's that then?"
and the man says "50p".

[Jimbuna]

I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back."

"I'm not surprised," she replied, "That's his seat and you're squashing him."

[BossMark]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and didn't answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

[Jimbuna]

My son failed his medical exams, so to make a point, I parked the car outside a medical practice.

"This should have been you," I said.

"I wouldn't work in an abortion clinic anyway," he replied.

I don't think he got the point.

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.

[BossMark]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Jimbuna]

Liam Gallagher, Russell brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell..

Christ, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony. Liam Gallagher, Russell brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell..

Christ, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.

[BossMark]

A young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store any more either."

[Jimbuna]

"Ashes to ashes," said the vicar. "Dust to..." but he was interrupted by the sound of a mobile phone ringing.

He stopped the funeral service as all the mourners slowly turned to look at me.

"I'm so sorry. Do you mind if I answer it?"

"Er, I suppose not," replied the vicar.

"Great. It must have fallen in the coffin when I put the body in," I said, jumping in the hole with my screwdriver.

[BossMark]

Paddy O'Murphy goes to a carpenter. "Can you build me a box that's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?"

"Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you be wanting with a box like that?"

"Well" said the Irishman, "my neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose."

[Jimbuna]

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the eedjit on my back."

[BossMark]

During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."

"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.

A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.

"Yes Sir!" Black answers.

This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"

[Jimbuna]

"Hello, is that the police? I'd like to report a missing child!"

"Okay, sir. When did you see him last?"

"When I was on the landing counting to ten!"

[BossMark]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

Surprised, the pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"

The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.

Horrified, the pharmacist says, "Madam, I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph.

The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, "Ah, madam, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

[Jimbuna]

As a child growing up with a lazy eye, I was always getting into fights.


No matter how I looked at someone, it was always the wrong way.

[BossMark]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poop."

[Jimbuna]

I was driving my lorry back to the UK from France when I was stopped by a customs officer.

"Are you carrying anything on board that you shouldn't be?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

"Right," he said, "So you don't have any cigarettes?"

"No," I replied again, as he opened the shutter.

"What about these?" he said, smiling at me.

"I'm not sure," I replied, staring at the 120 illegal immigrants in the back, "Do any of you have cigarettes?"

[Herr-Berbunch]

Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

[Schroeder]

Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.
Had to read that twice before I got it.:D

[Jimbuna]

If Vladimir Putin is reading this, Justin Bieber and One Direction were just singing nasty songs about you.

[BossMark]

If Vladimir Putin is reading this, Justin Bieber and One Direction were just singing nasty songs about you.
And was Jedward :har::haha:

[Jimbuna]

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

[BossMark]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[Jimbuna]

"Thanks boss!" I said after he called me in for a talk. "I know I'm a bit thick and I've messed up a few times since I've been here, but this award means the world to me!"

"You don't know what a P45 is, do you?" he asked.

[BossMark]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.

[Sailor Steve]

The Past, the Present, and the Future walked into a bar.




It was tense.

[Jimbuna]

I saw a documentary on TV last night on how ships were kept together.

Riveting.

[BossMark]

What a woman says, what she really means...
- I need = I want
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
- I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
- I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

[BossMark]

What a man says, what he really means...
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm tired = I'm tired
- Do you want to go to a film? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
- You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
- You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
- Yes, your haircut looks good = £50 and it doesn't even look different!
- I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freaking' dress and let's go

[Jimbuna]

I had my Zippo lighter set to maximum yesterday.

That caused a few razed eyebrows.

[BossMark]

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

[Jimbuna]

Kids today don't realise how easy they've got it. Why, I remember back when I was their age,



I had to actually walk to the TV to change the channel.

[BossMark]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

[Jimbuna]

I went to the pub after work today when a woman came over and said, "You're a bit of alright."

After ignoring her and moving to the other side of the bar she came over again and said, "How about you buy me a drink?"

"Listen, I've just finished work," I said. "I get enough of this there."

"But you've got a postman uniform on?"

"I know I have," I replied. "Which means I'm forever being chased by bloody dogs."

[BossMark]

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

[Jimbuna]

Prince Harry has blamed his antics on..

A broken home, family living off taxpayers, growing up on estates and time spent in institutions.

[BossMark]

An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.'
The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.'
The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'

[BossMark]

Paddy decides.....
to rob a bank. He got all the gear together - stocking mask, sawn-off shotgun, getaway car and so on. But he realised his accent would mark him out as Irish, so he took elocution lessons for almost a year until he could finally pass as an Englishman.
On the day of the robbery he donned his mask, rushed into the bank and said, "I say there, I'm terribly sorry but this is a robbery. Be a good chap and fill this sack with lots of lovely lolly."
The cashier said, "You're Irish aren't you?"
Paddy was astonished. "How the divil did ye figure dat out?", he asked.
The cashier replied, "It was easy, you've sawn the wrong end off your shotgun!"

[Jimbuna]

I went to the psychiatrist yesterday and said "Its about my brother, he thinks he is a chicken and he acts like a chicken and everything!"
He said "Why dont you admit him to a mental hospital?"
I said "Because I need the eggs!"

[BossMark]

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day....fall colours, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the atheist heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the atheist saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the atheist heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"

And the atheist thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."

[Jimbuna]

Two Irish guys are talking, "I've just heard some terrible news about Paddy."
"What's happened."
"He died cycling to work."
"Was he hit by a car?"
"No. The poor bugga drowned."
"Drowned?"
"Yep. It would have been his first day on the oil rig as well."

[Jimbuna]

My wife obviously didn't mind me going to the pub on our anniversary.

She knew I'd be hungry and left me two dinners out on the table.

[BossMark]

There was an Englishman,Scottish man and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates.

The captain said to them your getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with. So the Englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.The Scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women. Finally the Irishman wants to go in with cigarettes so he goes in with his cigarettes.

Then 50 years later the Englishman comes out of his dungeon pissed, the Scotsman comes out with his women and kids and the Irishman comes out and says 'Got a light'

[Jimbuna]

I had a text conversation with my ex wife yesterday.

She said, "Are you ok?"

"I wish you were still here." I answered.

"Are you missing me?" She asked.

"No." I replied. "I've got a big pile of washing and ironing that needs doing."

[Spoon 11th]

I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.

[Jimbuna]

Having to get married next week.

I told my fiancée I'd set a date the day I saw the Queen jump out of a helicopter.

[BossMark]

Paddy rings an ambulance for his mate Mick. "Come quick my mate Mick is hurt and needs help fast"
. The operator tells Paddy to calm down and asks where he is at. "104 Eucalyptus Boulevard" says Paddy.
"Can you spell that please" says the operator.
The line goes quiet and the operator says "Hello sir are you still there".
Couple of minutes pass and still nothing until after about 5 minutes Paddy comes back on the line. "Right I have just dragged him to 2 Oak Road".

[BossMark]

Paddy and Mick land on the moon. Paddy says to Mick.
"Right Mick you stay here and keep an eye on things while I go and collect some rock samples".
So off go's Paddy out the hatch and is floating around the moon collecting some samples while Mick is happily just lazing about.
After about 30 minutes Paddy decides he has enough samples so heads back to the rocket.
He gets to the entrance of the hatch and knocks 3 times to which he hears Mick's voice say. "Who's there."

[Jimbuna]

Police have reported that with further observation, it turns out the lion in Essex is just a snow leopard with a spray tan and hair extensions.

[BossMark]

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

[Jimbuna]

What a wild weekend I had at my mates stag do down in Essex.

Now I just need to get this lion costume back to the fancy dress shop.

[BossMark]

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

[Jimbuna]

Rumour Mill. Michael Owen going to Stoke.

I assume with his record that's Mandeville and not City.

[Jimbuna]

A traffic policeman stops to assist a female stranded motorist on the motorway. The motorist, a blonde, was unable to restart her car. The policeman, who knew a little about cars, popped the hood and fiddled around with the engine. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

"How often do I have to do that?", she asks.

[Herr-Berbunch]

@Mark - check the post, by you, three above your latest.

You must've had a really good birthday drink :up:

[BossMark]

@Mark - check the post, by you, three above your latest.

You must've had a really good birthday drink :up:
Oh god yeah cant even remember posting the first one :oops::oops:

[Jimbuna]

My son said, "I just don't understand girls."

I told him, "Don't worry, that'll change."

"Will it?"

"Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women."

[BossMark]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

[BossMark]

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

[Jimbuna]

I shouted "Bingo" at the Mecca today.

The bloke came up to me and said, "Can I see your card please."

"I haven't got one," I replied, "I'm looking for my dog."

[BossMark]

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

[BossMark]

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

[Jimbuna]

An Australian ends up next to a British soldier in the trenches during World War II.

The British soldier turns to him and says, "Good to see you, mate. Have you come here to die?"

To which the Australian replies, "No, mate, I came here yesterday!"

[Jimbuna]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper, frown and say: "That's not it."
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.
A military psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army and handed it to the soldier, who picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

[BossMark]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

[Jimbuna]

At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?


I'm Batman.

[BossMark]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Aright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[Jimbuna]

I was in bed with the wife.

She said, "Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."

I said, "I didn't say anything."

She said, "I wasn't talking to you."

[BossMark]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the home owner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

[frau kaleun]

Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards.

At the start all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, all you want is a club and a spade.

[Jimbuna]

Keith Richard's veins have been so damaged from excessive heroin use over the years that he can no longer donate at his local NHS.

The nurses say it's like trying to get blood from a stone.

[BossMark]

I had a Jehovah's Witness at the door this morning and he said they can predict what will happen in the future.

Crap, he didn't even try and duck when I punched him in the face.

[BossMark]

Next time a Jehovah Witness comes knocking on your door, tell them you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back.
When they explain that they cannot give out their home number, you say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
They will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel! Now bugger off".