The joke thread

[BossMark]

I couldn't believe it when my wife accused me of sleeping with her twin sister.

They're identical twins, there's no way I'd sleep with her.

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying my wife is a bad driver, but her new GPS I got her just went off and said "After 400 feet, stop and let me out!'"

[BossMark]

I'm going to the pub later for a few pints of non-alcoholic beer.

After that, I'll find a prostitute and pay her not to have sex with me.

[Jimbuna]

I saw an extremely fat frog that was having trouble bending its legs.

It was probably roomy-toad arthritis

[BossMark]

Feel sorry for men who think they are going to bed with a 10/10 and wake up next to a 2/10 with the other 8 stuck to the pillow.

[Jimbuna]

Our local butcher just died, aged 80. He was dead famous for his sausages.

He's going to be buried in a pink coffin, linked to another pink coffin, linked to another pink coffin.

[BossMark]

American Janice "Lokelani" Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele has successfully lobbied to get her full 35 character surname on her driving License, all she needs to do now is lobby to get Licence spelt correctly.

[Jimbuna]

One thing that archaeological discoveries have taught us.

Ancient people loved drinking in broken cups.

[BossMark]

I read that a cafe in London is now selling an £8 cup of coffee.

You'll find hints of apricot, pineapple, kiwi, and lime inside the cup.

Outside the cup you'll find a silly git who spends eight quid on coffee.

[BossMark]

I smiled at the pretty girl on reception at the sperm-bank, and gave her a cheeky wink as I handed her a couple of pints.
I'm always friendly with my customers on my milk round.

[Jimbuna]

"I can't watch Home Alone 2," I told my mate, "It brings back too many memories."

"Of what?" He asked.

"The first Home Alone."

[BossMark]

I got an e-mail last week from a scammer who claimed to be an Irish prince.
He said that, if I gave him my bank account details, he would deposit £300 in my account as long as I did him a favour in the future.
I told him I didn't have a bank account so he sent me the money in cash.

[Jimbuna]

My grandad put an empty pint glass in front of me in the pub last night and said, "I bought you a beer."

"Thanks a lot," I replied, "How's the Parkinson's?"

[BossMark]

Just had to take the wife to hospital after she took a tumble down the stairs and broke her legs.

On the plus side at least I found out where my roller skates were.

[Jimbuna]

If the World Cup 2022 is taken away from Qatar, does that mean FIFA will have to backhand back the backhander?

[BossMark]

When my new baby started coughing really badly, only the best care would do. So I took her to a specialist clinic in Harley Street.

It turned out to be a problem with the fuel pump.

[Jimbuna]

I backed over some bloke dressed as Dracula earlier.

I never saw him in my rearview mirror.

[BossMark]

My mate Dave was always complaining his wife would never let him go to the pub.

"Be a man" I said "Next time she tells you 'No' give her a back-hander, she'll soon change her mind"

Next Friday Dave struts into the pub looking pleased with himself.

"So, what happened?" I asked

"I did what you said - as soon as she said "No" I bunged her £250 in a brown envelope, then she let me go out."

[Jimbuna]

My kids have been amazingly well behaved since we hired a native New Zealander to take care of them.


He's a proper Maori Poppins.

[BossMark]

I got hauled off a Ryanair flight on Friday morning for being drunk, and I spent the rest of the weekend in jail.

There was almost a riot on board as I left.

Apparently everybody else wanted an upgrade too.

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I were in the middle of a heated argument when she said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out that door?"

I replied, "I'm driving."

[BossMark]

A new survey found that Ryanair is officially the most hated airline in the country.

Ryanair have published an apology to its passengers.

Then they debited them a £60 'Apology Fee'.

[BossMark]

A Pilot was pulled off an Easyjet flight this morning for being 'too drunk to see'.

He was so drunk he continued to protest his innocence till Police pointed out that he works for Ryanair.

[Jimbuna]

A bad week for Ryanair eh?

[Jimbuna]

I've nicknamed my mother-in-law Mrs Robinson.

Anything that goes near her gets squashed.

[BossMark]

"Are you going on holiday somewhere nice?" I asked my neighbours.

"Skegness", they replied in unison.

I said, "That's a 'No' then."

[Tango589]

My local pub does a beer called 'Mother-in-law'. It's old, stout and bitter.

[Herr-Berbunch]

A bad week for Ryanair eh?

Who did he fly to Majorca with recently? :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

Who did he fly to Majorca with recently? :hmmm:

I'll stab a guess at Ryanair :)

It certainly wasn't Buddy Holly Airlines...he returned :O:

[Jimbuna]

Police have issued an appeal after receiving complaints from farmers that their Cows are being stolen during the night.

Apparently they are looking for a man with a big moo-stash.

[Jimbuna]

LOL

I was out playing golf with my mate.

"Good grief" I said, looking at my phone. "I've had 37 missed calls from my wife".

"Isn't she heavily pregnant?" he asked.

"Yeah"

"Well, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he continued.

"Oh yes" I replied, and turned off my phone.

[BossMark]

Who did he fly to Majorca with recently? :hmmm:

I'll stab a guess at Ryanair :)

It certainly wasn't Buddy Holly Airlines...he returned :O:
No I went with Jet2.com, but my neighbour flew with them a couple of weeks ago

[BossMark]

So the media says GTA V will cause players to commit crime.

Rubbish, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile.

[Jimbuna]

I was out shopping with my wife today when we went into a shop that had a sign on the window saying, 'SALE. 25% off all stock.'

My wife said, "So if my maths serves me right, I can buy 4 things in here and it won't cost anything."

[BossMark]

"If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me" I sang to the wife.

I was right, She took the whole bloody house.

[Jimbuna]

My new girlfriend is taking me out shopping tonight.
She said I need new clothes as I look too middle aged.
I'm gutted. I love my armour.

[BossMark]

BBC Headline: Grand Theft Auto 5 encourages children to be violent.

I have to agree.

As a child I was completely influenced by Tom and Jerry and now spend all of my spare time hitting cats in the face with frying pans while dogs chase me with baseball bats.

[Lord_magerius]

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, "lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine sand and ash dust"

Yeah, great, nice short words for someone who can hardly breathe.

[BossMark]

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.

"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

[Jimbuna]

A few years back, Travis asked in their song, 'Why does it always rain on me, is it because I lied when I was seventeen?'

No, its because you live in Scotland.

[BossMark]

My son was sent home from school after getting caught in the girl's bathroom.

I wouldn't be so angry with him if he hadn't been exchanging makeup tips.

[TarJak]

Americans really need to man up and make guns illegal.

Who needs a gun for self defence anyway? In Australia we use broken beer bottles.

[Jimbuna]

You know you drink too much when your recycling collection guys give YOU a tip at Christmas.

[BossMark]

I bet my wife if she fell into the Grand Canyon she'd get stuck.

She didn't get stuck but I still won.

[BossMark]

I refuse to watch Geordie Shore or Big Brother for economic reasons.

I've just spent 800 quid on a new telly, and I don't want to put my boot through the bastard.

[Jimbuna]

"What happened to that bloke's face? It's all swollen."

"He ate some chips."

"Is he allergic to chips?"

"No, they were my chips."

[Jimbuna]

With the excitement of the old man marrying the young virgin, she forgot about him slowly teasing off the garter with his teeth.

In the hotel room, drunk and tired, he said that she'd have to do it.

It had been killing him all day, he didn't want his dentures to fall out and he couldn't lift his leg that high.

[BossMark]

A latest study from Oxford University says that one in ten deaths are caused by red meat.

Which is bloody scary.

Because it means that nine out of ten people are killed by vegetables.

[Jimbuna]

I was on the train today when the inspector asked to see my ticket. He said, "This is yesterday's ticket."

I replied, "Yes I know it's yesterday's ticket; that's when I got on this bloody train."

[frau kaleun]

I really didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But then I went over to his house last weekend, and all the signs were there.

[Jimbuna]

My flatmate went mental when he found out I had thrown out our old hoover and got a new Dyson.
Seems he had a certain attachment for the old one.

[BossMark]

I see London Mayor Boris Johnson's proposing to fine Londoners who text while they're walking.

Personally I think it would be cheaper and funnier to just put up more lamp posts.

[Jimbuna]

Following a defeat by Durham over Yorkshire in a T20 match a month or so ago, someone told me to look at the County Cricket standings.

Well....I'm looking :)

[BossMark]

Following a defeat by Durham over Yorkshire in a T20 match a month or so ago, someone told me to look at the County Cricket standings.

Well....I'm looking :)
Oh dear wonder who that was then :damn:

[Jimbuna]

Oh dear wonder who that was then :damn:

Someone that is getting a sore head right about now :har:

[BossMark]

Someone that is getting a sore head right about now :har:
True and congratulations to Durham :yep:

[BossMark]

As I was walking through town I got caught up in the Gay Rights carnival and this gorgeous blonde woman came up to me and stuck her tongue in my ear.

"Fancy coming back to my place?" she whispered.

"But, aren't you gay?" I asked.

"Bi," she replied.

"O.k. Cheerio then." I said. Bloody lesbians.

[Jimbuna]

True and congratulations to Durham :yep:

Yeah they did well.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just finished a 12-hour shift.

I knew she'd find second gear eventually.

[BossMark]

haven't been able to get out much recently so I arranged for a mobile hairdresser to call round.
We were chatting and she said, "I don't just do haircuts you know... I do extras too."
"Really?" I asked, "Like what?"
"Anything within reason," she winked, licking her lips. "Girls got to make a living."
I thought about it for a few seconds before deciding, "Go on then, sod it, I'll have a wet shave too."

[Jimbuna]

Syria have 12 months to dispose of their chemical weapons.

One thing's for sure. They're going to have the cleanest drains in the entire world.

[BossMark]

I was in McDonald's and I walked up to someone and said, "Excuse me, do you work here?"

She said, "Yes I do."

I said, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that," then walked out.

[Jimbuna]

"Mum, how should I dress up at Halloween this year?"

"Just hang your GCSE results around your neck and go as an idiot."

[BossMark]

Sexy Linda in our office sent me an email two weeks ago "Aren't you just the sexiest guy I've met?"

She then starts playing all hard to get, then my Dyslexia coach showed me the difference between sexiest and sexist.

[Jimbuna]

Syria asking America to pay for the destruction of their chemical weapons is like my wife asking weight watchers to pay for her bag of chips.

[BossMark]

I was looking around a car showroom today when the salesman asked, "Can I help sir?"

"I'm looking for a new car but it's got to be manual." I replied.

He said, "So you're a man that likes to change his own gears?"

"No, I've just received an automatic ban for speeding."

[Jimbuna]

There was a documentary on the telly about vegetarian cavemen.

Apparently they died out earlier than the cavemen who ate meat.

They didn't starve though.

They got killed by the meat-eaters for constantly wittering on about why they became vegetarians.

[BossMark]

"Who is this slag that keeps messaging you on your laptop?" asked my girlfriend, holding it to my face. "And you told her you want to leave me because you think I'M blonde and stupid?"

"Sweetheart," I sighed. "That's not what you think it is."

"Oh really, what is it then?!"

I said, "That's my mobile phone."

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Chrysler - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it.

One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham."

The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon."

The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more."

She begins to cry.

"Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?"

The doctor replies, "Six months."

"So what's the date?" asks the woman.

"April 1st," says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?"

Doctor: "YES... they both died on impact."

[Platapus]

That joke makes no sense at all.

You can't fit a woman, a boy and a girl in a Lamborghini Countach

[BossMark]

I can confirm today that the urban legend that speaks of a chemical in public swimming pools which changes the colour of the water when you pee in it is in fact not true.

However, i did discover there is a special chemical that turns the water a murky brown when you fart in it...amazing technology

[Sailor Steve]

That joke makes no sense at all.

You can't fit a woman, a boy and a girl in a Lamborghini Countach
Sure you can, depending on how young they are, how agile they are and how many laws you want to break. :sunny:

[Jimbuna]

That joke makes no sense at all.

You can't fit a woman, a boy and a girl in a Lamborghini Countach

Okay then, a Chrysler saloon :)

[BossMark]

I just watched a documentary called "The Virgin Mary."

Apparently she's a mythical figure that roams the streets of Newcastle.

[Jimbuna]

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.."Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."


She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

[BossMark]

I lost my house while sitting at the poker table in Vegas.

My wife used my absence to file for a divorce.

[Jimbuna]

I was really embarrassed to see my daughter do the walk of shame this morning.

For some reason she went out wearing a Leeds top.

[BossMark]

I went to a strip club last night.

One of the dancers came up to me and asked, "How about we have sex in the back of your car?"

I hesitated slightly before saying, "I can't, I'm sorry."

"Oh," she replied, noticing my wedding ring, "It's because you're married isn't it?"

"No, it's because I bloody walked here."

[Platapus]

Wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

...Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

...And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

...She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

...I told her that was what the beer was for.

... The evening did not get better after that.

[Armistead]

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.."Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."


She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

Gene Hackman tells that joke in Bonnie & Clyde..

[Jimbuna]

Gene Hackman tells that joke in Bonnie & Clyde..

Really :o

I said to my friend, "It's important that no-one mentions any film production companies."

"How important is it?" he asked.

"Paramount," I replied.

[BossMark]

What's the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?

Prince Andrew's never regretted getting rid of Fergie.

[Jimbuna]

I'm willing to bet good money the inventor of the ejection seat was married.

[BossMark]

After succeeding in pulling the shipwrecked Costa Concordia out of the Med, the contractors have now been asked to keep Sunderland up

[Jimbuna]

"Well Mr Smith, I can tell you this is the worst case of Halitosis I have ever encountered." Said my Doctor over the phone to me.

[BossMark]

"Mr Smith," said the police officer, "the reading shows you have a breath test of 145mg when the legal limit is 35!"

"Oh my god, does this mean I've failed?" I asked.

"Definitely!" shouted the driving test instructor from the passenger seat.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get if you cross a rhino with an elephant?

I don't know but it's not relevant.

[Platapus]

Doctor walks in to the patient's room


Mrs. Smith, I have some good news and some bad news.

Doctor, what's the good news.

Mrs. Smith, the good news is that you have a month to live

OMG, what's the bad news??

It's February.

[Jimbuna]

A Chinese court has found disgraced former top politician Bo Xilai guilty of bribery, corruption, embezzlement and abuse of power.

In other words, they've found him guilty of being a politician.

[Platapus]

Doctor walks in to the patient's room

Mr. Smith, I have some good news and some bad news.

Tell me the bad news first, doc

Well, the bad news is that I had to amputate both your feet.

And what's the good news, doc?

The guy in the next room want's to buy your shoes.

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the 'Psychic Hotline' last night but I'm not sure if it was a con or not.

I got through to a recording of a woman's voice repeatedly saying, "Thank you for calling psychic hotline. In your immediate future, I see you throwing away £3.50 per minute..."

[Platapus]

Doctor walks in to the patient's room

Mr. Smith, I have some good news and some bad news.

Please tell me the bad news first, Doc

Mr. Smith, I am afraid that you have about 24 hours to live.

What could possibly be the good news, Doc?

You see that nurse over there? I am taking her out tonight.

[BossMark]

My wife said she's fed up of watching "football, football, football".

So I bought her a Sunderland ticket.

[Jimbuna]

I stopped buying Glucosamine tablets as soon as I found out they were made from bits of animal sinew and cartilage.

I figured Tesco Value Sausages would do the job for half the price.

[BossMark]

I promised my wife to reduce my drinking.
Nowadays I only drink on days starting with T
Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

[Jimbuna]

I was at a local primary school in Glasgow using an air horn to start the races at a sports day

I going to use a traditional starting pistol but I was scared pupils would return fire.

[BossMark]

I did really badly in my maths exam when I was at school.

I wish they'd all been true or false questions. At least that way I'd have had a 70% chance of getting one right.

[Jimbuna]

I've learnt a life lesson today.

Next time I walk into the house and see my wife crying, I'm not going to say "Is it because of your new haircut?"

[BossMark]

Many sports stars pile on the weight in no time when they finish their careers.

For example, It's only been a couple of days since his 12 year ban and look at the size of Stephen Lee already.

[Jimbuna]

It's been 4 years to the day that I threw that boomerang.

I still find myself looking over my shoulder and living in fear.

[BossMark]

I haven't been to a house party for more than ten years.

It's not that I don't get invited to any, I'm still terrified that Noel Edmond's might show up.

[BossMark]

A stunning brunette came up to me at the club and said, "Come with me and ... well, you know"
I said, "What?"
She said, "Come on, you're not stupid. Don't make me say it"
"Ah, I get you now", I said giving her a wink. "But I'm warning you, you won't be able to walk in the morning"
She smiled and said, "We'll see about that"
She obviously doesn't realise how seriously I take Fight Club.

[Jimbuna]

I'm quite stressed out being a counsellor for people who self-harm. I guess I'm not cut out for it.

[Jimbuna]

Overheard my wife saying to our son "If I had five cakes and gave one away, what's left"?

"Who baked the cakes"?

"I did of course".

"Four cakes and a dead body"?

[Platapus]

I promised my wife to reduce my drinking.
Nowadays I only drink on days starting with T
Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

When I drank, I used to only drink on two days of the week. Today and tomorrow.

[Jimbuna]

Britney Spears is set to make $19 million from her latest gigs in Las Vegas.

Officially, this makes her the highest paid mime artist of all time.

[BossMark]

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.

My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.

"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.

"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."

Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."

"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."

[Jimbuna]

Me and my son were watching the football the other night and he said to me, "Daddy why is the ref keep interrupting the game?"

"Because your mother isn't here to do it." I replied.

[BossMark]

My wife scowled at me all the way through breakfast this morning.

Finally she said, "You've forgotten our anniversary again, haven't you?"

I replied, "Have I hell. I'm wearing black, aren't I?"

[Jimbuna]

Global warming, threat of nuclear war in the middle East, famine in Africa, terrorist attacks, economic meltdowns, fuel running out.

Pessimists have never been so happy.

[eddie]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho...maniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Armistead]

Me and my son were watching the football the other night and he said to me, "Daddy why is the ref keep interrupting the game?"

"Because your mother isn't here to do it." I replied.

:har: I posted that to my wifes FB

[Jimbuna]

Blackberry sold for £3.7 billion.

No wonder Ribena is so expensive.

[Platapus]

I annoyed my wife when I brought a co-worker home for dinner.

She told me that her hair was a mess, she had no make up on, the house was a mess, there were dirty dishes in the kitchen and she was not prepared to cook dinner. What was I thinking bringing this guy over like that?

I told her that my co-worker was considering getting married....

The rest of the evening did not go well.

[BossMark]

So Paul Gascoigne reckons he has had his bank account hacked and all is money was taken,

or was it just Bargain Booze taking their monthly direct debit out..

[Jimbuna]

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today." he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said, "No wonder he came off it then."

[BossMark]

According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes.

Not that I class myself as smarter than scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Leeds.

[Jimbuna]

My sister was sick with the flu, so I called round with some chicken soup.

"Aw, thanks," she smiled. "You never bring me stuff."

"I know," I replied. "If you're going to clean my house you'll need your strength."

[BossMark]

I was pissed as a fart and sprawling on the settee in my underwear, my wife come down the stairs stark naked and decided she was going to take advantage of me.

She nicked my bloody wallet.

[Jimbuna]

My wife left me because of my Beatles obsession.

Yesterday.

[BossMark]

"Why can't you ever make any decisions on your own?" asked my wife.

"I don't know," I said. "You tell me."

[Jimbuna]

A referee has come forward claiming Sir Alex Ferguson paid match officials to extend extra time.

I can't believe he's blown the whistle.

[BossMark]

9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right.

The 10th husband hasn't been seen since the survey was conducted.

[Jimbuna]

Sweet dreams are made of cheese...who am I to dis a Brie?

[BossMark]

I called on my mate's door late last night.

I said, "Can I stay here tonight, my wife hasn't come home and I get scared on my own."

"Not really, mate," he said. "I have company, and I'm sure she'll be home in an hour."

"Better make it two!" came the shout from upstairs.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Sweet dreams are made of cheese...who am I to dis a Brie?


I'm sure that's been in the funny pic thread.

http://duckduckgrayduck.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/cheese.jpg

[Jimbuna]

After diagnosing kidney failure, the consultant asked if I was on any medication.

"I take at least four of these a day," I said, showing him.

"Right," he replied, after studying them for a few seconds, "I'm not sure I'd consider Carlsberg Special Brew as 'medication'."

[BossMark]

I went to see my mate in hospital after he'd been beaten up in the pub.
"What happened?" I asked him.
"It was only a few moments after you left," he explained. "Some bastard told that group of rugby players that I was a paedo and they just started laying into me!
Anyway, I appreciate the visit.
I thought you might still be mad at me for taking the piss after I beat you 5-0 at pool."

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the Samaritans earlier.

"I'm in the process of committing suicide," I said.

"Hold on, we'll be here for as long as you need us."

"It'll be a long call," I said. "I only stopped eating two hours ago."

[BossMark]

At the end of a heavy nights drinking I got a taxi to a brothel.
"I've never done something like this before, so ... erm... how does this work?", I asked nervously.
"Well, you tell me where you want to go and then we drive there", said the taxi driver.

[Jimbuna]

I was sat at the kitchen table surrounded by a huge pile of overdue bills when I got a phone call to say my rich uncle had died.
My problems were solved.
He left me his paper shredder.

[BossMark]

Three words to ruin a man's ego...

"Is it in?"

Three words to ruin a woman's ego...

"I don't know"

[Jimbuna]

So the Statue of Liberty has shut down.

Big deal. It's not like Americans rely on it for anything.

If Big Ben shut down, we'd all be late for work.

[BossMark]

A policeman knocked on my door in the early hours.
"Oh my God, what is it? My daughter is late home. Oh God, no. Please, no"
He said, "I'm sorry sir, there's been a terrible accident".
Sobbing, I said, "What is it?"
"We've knocked on the wrong door"

[Jimbuna]

They say that you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

They're talking rubbish. I bought my wife off a Ukrainian website and made her leave her kids in Lviv.

[TarJak]

They say that you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

They're talking rubbish. I bought my wife off a Ukrainian website and made her leave her kids in Lviv.

:har:

[BossMark]

I have a phenomenal sex drive.

I don't have a car, so I might as well make use of the space.

[Jimbuna]

I swear, my wife has eyes in the back of her head!

I guess the cheap Ukrainian mail order bride wasn't such a great idea...

[Jimbuna]

Sharon Osbourne to ask Ozzy for a divorce.

Ozzy said, "I think she's just Paranoid."

[BossMark]

I was informed that TarJak had been rushed to hospital.
"What happened to him?" I asked.
"Drinking", the man said.
"OK, how much has he drunk?" I asked.
"A whole bloody pint, and he's been violently sick and drifting in and out of consciousness ever since", he said.
"Excuse me? One pint and he's in hospital? A pint of what, exactly? Whisky? Vodka?"
"Fosters."

[Jimbuna]

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

[BossMark]

Apparently "One in five girl binge drinkers have sex they regret"

The other four were from Essex

[Jimbuna]

My ex girlfriend has just called me a stalker.

I overheard the conversation with her mum from outside her bedroom window.

[Jimbuna]

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

[BossMark]

I was having a drink in the pub when my mate said, "Have you been to the dentists?."

"Yeah, I went this morning, how did you know?"

"That sticker saying, I was brave."

[GoldenRivet]

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)


im stealing that one LOL - modified slightly of course

[Jimbuna]

Two kids meet on their first day of primary school.

"I've always been clever," says one kid. "I've been walking since I was 9 months old."

"You call that clever?" says the other. "I let my folks carry me around until I was 4."

[BossMark]

My little girl come up to me and asked, "Daddy, is it true that little girls grow up to be like their mum?"



"Yes, sweetheart, that's true." I said.



Then she ran off crying.

[Jimbuna]

I came home from work to find a massive beam on my wife's face.

"Maybe I should have got a proper firm in to build our extension instead of doing it myself," I thought, rummaging through the rubble.

[BossMark]

Royal Mail workers are going to ballot for strike action.

It's going to be a postal ballot.

[Jimbuna]

" I am not that fat !! " screamed the wife as i loaded her into the back of the van with my forklift.

[BossMark]

They say if your palm is itching you'll get money, if your toes are itching you'll get new shoes, if your lips are itching you'll get a kiss. So if your private parts are itching...don't fool yourself...go take a bloody bath

[BossMark]

A sexy woman noticed me looking depressed in the bar last night.

She walked over and asked, "Are you ok?"

I said, "No, everyone thinks I'm a pervert."

"You don't seem that bad," she smiled. "Is there something else you want to talk about?"

I replied, "Yes, your tits."

[Jimbuna]

Was sitting in my living room watching the Manchester derby the other day when I saw my neighbour beating his wife. Couldn't believe my eyes!

The sod said he'd give his second match ticket to me!

[BossMark]

Olympic triple jumper Phillips Idowu is to appear in court on Monday accused of driving THREE times over the limit.

Ironically he's in for the high jump.

[Jimbuna]

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

[BossMark]

I got so pissed last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost a car.

[Jimbuna]

I've just spent a good twenty minutes in the tunnel telling Brendan Rodgers which formation and tactics he should use in today's match.

"Look," he shouted. "I've paid the toll, now open the bloody barrier!"

[BossMark]

The United States is on track to become the worlds largest producer of oil.
If history has taught us anything, its that the United States will soon be invading the United States.

[Jimbuna]

My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.

She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"

"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Is he playing with his little yellow duck?" she asked.

I said, "I don't know, I can't see him from the pub."

[BossMark]

The BBC have announced that Bruce Forsyth has pulled out of tonight's Strictly Come Dancing because he's sick.

"They really could have worded that better," said a detective from Operation Yewtree.

[Jimbuna]

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.

[BossMark]

If there's one thing I've learnt from Formula 1 over the past 2 decades, it's the German national anthem.

[Jimbuna]

The cops pulled me over and said, "You were swerving all over the road there. We got you on camera."

"Yeah I know. It's hard to keep your eye on the road while trying to smile for a photo," I replied

[BossMark]

I walked into my local pub, sat at the bar and ordered a pint. I noticed a bloke sitting next to me looking forlornly at a photograph of a woman.

"She was beautiful," he said, tears rolling down his face. "She was my best friend, she was always up for a laugh. She even loved sex."

"I'm sorry," I said. "When did she pass away?"

"Oh, she not dead," he replied. "We got married."

[Jimbuna]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, And Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

[BossMark]

My daughter brought her new boyfriend home tonight.
He was quiet but polite.
Not once did he ask me why I was holding an axe.

[Platapus]

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

I wish we could reboot congress in "safe"mode. No political add-ons, no agendas, just do their basic jobs.

But then we would never want to fully reboot them. :D

[BossMark]

A quick quiz for you on Famous Quotations. Who said: "I see dead people."?

The Sicilian Coastguard.

[BossMark]

A lad approached me inside Sports and Soccer and said he was the best shoplifter around.
"I can smuggle anything out of here you want down my trousers for half price" He said.
So I asked him to get me 2 footballs and a baseball bat..

[Jimbuna]

"You seem troubled," the Barman asked as he poured me another drink, "What's up?"

"It's my wife," I confessed, "She's gone right off sex since our son died."

"Sorry to hear that," he replied, "When did he pass away?"

"Last night."

[BossMark]

I actually let the Jehovah Witnesses in yesterday and showed them through to the back room where the dragon scowled at me for letting them speak to us.

After a while their speaker thanked us and asked if they could come back another time.

"Of course you can mate!" I said gleefully.

"Really?" his face lit up. "Which part impressed you the most? The parable of the prodigal son, the sower? Which?"

"Oh nothing like that mate," I said, "it's just for the first time in 35 years of marriage the wife was lost for words for 10 minutes, there really is a bloody god!"

[Jimbuna]

I went to a casino today and came home with a briefcase.

As I walked through the door, I looked at my wife and said, "I won!"

"Bloody hell, Dave." she smiled, "How much???"

"£40," I replied, "So I bought myself this."

[BossMark]

I love nothing more than slipping into my leathers, putting my crash helmet on and cruising around town on my new bike.

Everywhere I look, I can see people staring at me.

They must be thinking things like "How cool is that dude?" and "I wish I had a bmx like that."

[Jimbuna]

Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster.

"I don't understand it!" He said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday,"

[BossMark]

Michael Barrymore must really be congratulated.

Killing a young man in your pool during a cocaine fueled party is perfect for avoiding the attentions of Operation Yewtree.

[Jimbuna]

A group of donners have taken over a shopping centre in Kenya

Security forces believe extremist group Al Kebaab to be responsible.

[BossMark]

The American flag on the moon has turned white due to the exposure of solar radiation.

That's great. Now France can claim that they've landed on the moon.

[Herr-Berbunch]

The American flag on the moon has turned white due to the exposure of solar radiation.

That's great. Now France can claim that they've landed on the moon.

Mark, I'm almost certain that the very same people who read this thread also look in the funny picture thread!

[Jimbuna]

I was wondering what Arnold Schwarzenegger was upto these days.

And then I got a letter from O2 saying my contract has been terminated.

[BossMark]

Women serving in the British Army are now able to go into combat.

I can see it now, the first Tank Commander in history who's going to stop and ask for bloody directions before she backs the Sherman into a ditch.

[Jimbuna]

I know that too Tony but I was a bit under the weather this morning and I forget what I had posted in the funny picture thread :03:

Tony? :o

[Jimbuna]

Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines.

If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million

[BossMark]

Tony? :o
Oops now that's typing without my reading glasses on :/\\!!

[Herr-Berbunch]

Tony? :o

Yes, Jim. That's me. :D

[BossMark]

Mark, I'm almost certain that the very same people who read this thread also look in the funny picture thread!
I know that too Tony but I was a bit under the weather this morning and I forget what I had posted in the funny picture thread :03:

[Herr-Berbunch]

Anyone got a clue as to what is going on, I think I'm missing a piece.

[BossMark]

Anyone got a clue as to what is going on, I think I'm missing a piece.
I quoted Jim instead of you, left me reading glasses at work now I have deleted the post.

[Jimbuna]

Yes, Jim. That's me. :D

Your as bad as each other...should have gone to Specsavers :)

[Jimbuna]

My mate who is a big liverpool fan has had a terrible car accident and has been told he is paralysed from the waist down.
Now every match we go to I've started singing "You'll Never Walk..."

[BossMark]

I asked my new girlfriend, "Does it bother you that I've slept with 47 women?"

"Of course it does." she replied.

"But why?" I asked.

She said, "Because it was 44 last week."

[Jimbuna]

'LSD makes users lose weight'

That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

[BossMark]

So a passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls.

Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade.

[Jimbuna]

Last night my wife said I've got delayed reactions.

I was so shocked I had to pause for a minute.

[BossMark]

The blood transfusion service rang me and asked why I hadn't made any donations for over a year.

I replied, "Last time I did, the nurse said I was hopeless."

"No she didn't," they laughed. "She said you were O Plus."

[Jimbuna]

The police are to be given powers to restrict the activities of suspected sex offenders, whether they have been convicted or not.

The BBC report that they are worried about being able to provide further programming under these conditions.

[nikimcbee]

Anyone got a clue as to what is going on, I think I'm missing a piece.

You should probably see a doctor for that.

[BossMark]

"Do zombies exist, Daddy?" asked my little girl.

"No, they don't," I said, "they're just normal people wearing make-up."

"Like Mummy then?"

"Exactly."

[Jimbuna]

My wife slammed the front door and slumped on the sofa.
"How did your driving test go?", I asked.
"I failed miserably", she replied.
"But what about all those times I took you out in my car? Did none of it sink in?", I said.
She said, "Of course it did but the instructor insisted I sit in the drivers seat"

[Herr-Berbunch]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[Jimbuna]

My boss told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke.

"So have I made myself clear?" He said.

"No I can still see you." I replied.

[BossMark]

I called the taxi driver to ask how much a lift to the station would be.

"£30," he said.

"That's a bit steep," I replied, "I normally pay £10."

"I'll meet you halfway," he suggested.

"Great," I said. But after walking for 2 hours the bugger never showed up.

[Jimbuna]

I've discovered the antidote for a Viagra overdose.

A picture of my wife.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend has just made me the happiest man in the world.

I went down on one knee to propose and she said no.

[Jimbuna]

I feel sorry for the kids of today with all the awful music they have to listen to...

Wasn't like that back in my day, with Paper Lace, Smokie, The Partridge Family & Donny Osmond!

[BossMark]

I phoned my boss this morning and said, "I won't be in today, due to an excess of taste buds."

He said, "How does that stop you coming to work?"

I replied, "Well, I tasted about twenty Buds last night and now I'm hungover."

[simon.c]

wait untill you have a stroke,you'l be laughing on the other side of your face!

[Herr-Berbunch]

So the media reckon that the latest Grand Theft Auto will encourage more car thieves, but I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile.

[BossMark]

I've decided to write to Boots the Chemist to complain about the strength of their soluble painkillers.

Every day I have been slipping these painkillers into my wife's tea but when it comes time for sex,
she still complains of a headache.

[Jimbuna]

This week nine missing episodes of 1960s Doctor Who have been found at a TV station in Nigeria.

The TV station found them 6 years ago but no one replied to their emails.

[BossMark]

"I think I suffer from Claustrophobia." I said to my mate.

"That's the fear of closed spaces, what makes you think that?" He asked

"Well every time I go to the pub I'm scared it might be shut."

[Jimbuna]

Doctors in Glasgow are baffled by my condition.

I'm 43 years old and have perfect liver function.

[BossMark]

I've been trying on sports caps for the past half hour but I can't seem to find one that fits.

Some woman was offering assistance but I couldn't hear her through my motorcycle helmet.

[Jimbuna]

I got the new Pokemon game for my son today. Unfortunately, I think it is the American version though.

He gets charged every time he needs to heal them.

[Catfish]

^ :huh: :rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide I have a big pop art painting on my wall that hides a secret panic room.

I call it my handy war hole.

[BossMark]

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards.

[Jimbuna]

I've spent over an hour peeling spuds for today's roast.

Stupid name for a cat anyway.

[BossMark]

So there is going to be a half hour segment tonight on Crimewatch, re-visiting the night Madeleine McCann was abducted.

I'm not quite sure how 25 minutes of Kate and Gerry eating tapas and drinking sangria will help jog anyone's memory though.

[Jimbuna]

A lot of the data on Google Earth is really out of date.

I just looked up my ex-wife's place, and there's no forensics tent outside or anything.

[BossMark]

My Girlfriend has been giving me a hard time today. Apparently she's got 'Women's Problems'.

Just because she can't change a plug, drive or read a map is no excuse for being a miserable sod in my book.

[Jimbuna]

I've had a bloody awful day. First of all I got punched by a medieval poet, and then later I slipped up on a sausage.

Things have just gone from bard to wurst.

[Armistead]

Jimbuna was admitted to the hospital and after several test he was diagnosed with a swollen ego...

[BossMark]

The Police are now looking for a man and women seen near Madeleine McCann's room just before she disappeared.

Her parents have already been ruled out.

[Jimbuna]

Sports News: Tennis player Caroline Wozniacki has split with golf pro boyfriend Rory Mcllroy.

Speaking to the press Wozniacki said : "New balls please"

[BossMark]

Sir Alex Ferguson has been honoured by having a road named after him outside Old Trafford.

Away fans are advised when driving down Sir Alex Ferguson Way, don't forget to add 9 minutes to your journey.

[Jimbuna]

I admire the way Tesco arranges the shampoo on their shelves.

It really is Head and Shoulders above all the others.

[BossMark]

The landlord in my local pub announced there will be a hefty prize for this years best costume on Halloween.
last year my wife won it.

she only came to pick me up

[Jimbuna]

My wife wants to go away for a romantic weekend and I'm all for it.

That way I can spend more time in the pub.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Mark took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what
they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Mark replied!!!

[BossMark]

^^
:cool::03::D



Kate and Gerry McCann insisted on manning the phones themselves last night after the Crimewatch appeal, but they apparently missed a vital call when the kidnapper phoned in - they were grabbing a beer and burger at the Wetherspoon over the road.

[Jimbuna]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[Sailor Steve]

In the deep South of the 1960s, Beauregard was on trial for shooting his wife after catching her in bed with another man.

The judge said "Beauregard, I have but one question for you: Why did you shoot your wife but not her lover?"

"Your honor, I found it preferable to shoot one woman one time than to shoot a different man every night."

The judge said "Justifiable homicide! Case dismissed!"

[razark]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy...
That sounds familiar for some reason. Have I seen it before somewhere?

[Jimbuna]

That sounds familiar for some reason. Have I seen it before somewhere?

It should tell you that someone isn't actually reading but simply posting because the same joke was posted just two posts before and less than two hours earlier.

[Tango589]

A policeman comes hope one evening and finds his wife in bed with three men. The policeman says ''ello, 'ello' 'ello" and his wife asks 'aren't you talking to me then?'

[Jimbuna]

Breaking news:
Small-scale earthquake completely destroys Etchasketchistan.

[BossMark]

It should tell you that someone isn't actually reading but simply posting because the same joke was posted just two posts before and less than two hours earlier.
Am finding very hard to read as I broke reading glasses, I can only type because I know the lay out of the keyboard.

[Jimbuna]

Am finding very hard to read as I broke reading glasses, I can only type because I know the lay out of the keyboard.

You should get your next pair from Specsavers...much better quality than those made in the Ukraine :O:

[BossMark]

You should get your next pair from Specsavers...much better quality than those made in the Ukraine :O:
:03::shifty::hmph::D



I love my new job as a Suicide Watch Officer at Birmingham prison.

Day three and I've been summoned into the Governors office.

I think I'm going to get promotion already.

So far I've watched 4 prisoners commit suicide.

[Jimbuna]

I forgot to take my smartphone with me to the toilet when I needed a crap today.

It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

I had to read the back of a shampoo bottle for the next twenty minutes.

[BossMark]

I've been invited to my mother-in-law's Halloween party. All my wife's family will be there, wearing crazy costumes.

I wasn't sure what to go as, but then I saw an advert for the new series of The Walking Dead, and it gave me a great idea.

I'll stay in and watch that instead.

[Jimbuna]

Filled up my van with cheap alcohol in France recently.

Only made it as far as Customs.

Wish I'd put diesel in my fuel tank instead.

[BossMark]

My boss called me into his office today.

He said, "I've caught you sleeping on the job every day for the past year. You know what that means, don't you?"

I replied, "Yes, my attendance is bloody awesome."

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "How on Earth are we going to use nine percent less gas?"

"You can stop burning my tea for a start." I replied.

[BossMark]

So British Gas prices to rise by 9%

They must think we've got money to burn..

Which is now the cheapest way to heat your house.

[TarJak]

That's the last time I stay up late to make a rotisserie chicken with salad.


I tossed and turned all night.

[Jimbuna]

'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'.

Bloody too right they do, I'm a benefits advisor.

[BossMark]

Crocodile Dundee Stars Paul And Linda Hogan Announce Divorce
"That's not a wife......."

[Jimbuna]

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.