The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

"So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me.

"I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny."

"How come?" she replied.

"Because I said blah blah blah."

[BossMark]

My neighbour's came back from the hospital this morning with their new baby daughter. So I popped around to see them.

I said, "She's absolutely gorgeous."

"Thanks," they both replied.

I said, "Are you two sure you've got the right baby?"

[Jimbuna]

Virgin Media's inspired new advert will include John Lennon's song 'Imagine'.

Which is all well and good until he gets to "... above us only Sky..."

[BossMark]

I took a bird back to my house the other night. "Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked confused.

"They're pictures of my wife," I replied. "They're just too painful to look at."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologised. "I never knew, how did it happen if you don't mind me asking?"

"Both of her parents were ugly," I replied.

[Jimbuna]

"8 happy years and she's now gone forever, my dream girlfriend!" I said to the barman. "She used to be so kind, my best friend and sex on tap, but no more!"

"Has she run off with someone else then mate?" he asked.

"No!" I sobbed. "I married her last Saturday."

[BossMark]

My sister was moaning at me "I can't believe you never visited your mum on her birthday, for gods sake she has Alzheimers"

"I'll tell her I was there" I replied.

[Jimbuna]

I went to view a house today, but the floorboards seemed a bit dodgy.

"Do you mind if I jump up and down?" I asked the owner.

"Please yourself," he said, "I'm just glad you like it so much."

[BossMark]

We were in the middle of a big game of poker in an illegal gambling club when the police stormed in.

"OK guys," one of them said, "hands in the air where I can see them."

"I'm afraid that's gonna cost you a grand, Officer." I told him.

[BossMark]

Jim Davidson, Stuart Hall and now Rolf Harris...

The other prison inmates will have a pretty crap Christmas show to look forward to.

[Jimbuna]

Wouldn't it be a miracle if this was to be introduced in U.K. ?
This is the actual message you get when you phone the Australian social services/benefit office! Fantastic....

"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO 'CENTRELINK' THE AUSTRALIAN SOCIAL SERVICES AND BENEFITS OFFICE"

"Press '1' if you speak English.. Press ''2' to disconnect until you can. Have a nice day."

[BossMark]

The wife came off the phone to her friend..

"That was Julie. She's really upset because her Jim's gone on holiday with his mates and not her." She said, sitting beside me.
"You wouldn't let your friends persuade you to go on holiday without me, would you?"

"Of course not, love." I assured her.


"They wouldn't need to be friends."

[Jimbuna]

I was watching the Grand prix qualifiers, and I couldn't help thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

[Sailor Steve]

Hmm...

I'm having a sense of deja vu right now.

[BossMark]

If she's told me once, she's told me a thousand times. If I'm out with my mates, don't come home drunk...

And she's still pissed about it when I don't show up till the next afternoon.

[Jimbuna]

Hmm...

I'm having a sense of deja vu right now.

That is what was on the clipboard at the time :)

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=2044377&postcount=23

[BossMark]

Direct Line Home Insurance.

'We guarantee to replace anything you've lost within 7 days'

Cool, looking forward to seeing my new wife next week.

[Jimbuna]

Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.

[BossMark]

Luis Suarez.

Great footballer, but sometimes he really makes a meal of things.

[Jimbuna]

How sad that a once great football team like Liverpool now seem to be in their Twilight years

[BossMark]

I went to the dog rescue center last night.

Or a singles bar as it's better known.

[Jimbuna]

For my next magic trick,

I'll turn this 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

[BossMark]

Our local taxi company's slogan is 'We go that extra mile'.

Trouble is they bloody charge for it..

[Jimbuna]

Luis Suarez had annocuned that he will never bite another football player again, after finding traces of horse meat in Branislav Ivanovic.

[BossMark]

The female panda at Edinburgh zoo has not been reacting to the male's sexual advances.

Stupid Chinese bear,it's Edinburgh he'll need to get her pissed first.

[BossMark]

My wife died and I was with my sons at the funeral service. The priest was telling about all her good things: what a wonderful mother she had been, what a loving and faithful wife she had been and how kind she was to everyone.

I bent over to my eldest and whispered: 'go check in the coffin, if it's really your mother...'

[Jimbuna]

I wish Luis Suarez played against Oldham in the FA Cup.
Could you imagine the stick he would get from the headline, 'Suarez bites Dickov.'

[BossMark]

A group of Bayern Munich fans have been spotted going into Wembley tonight.

We think they've gone to put towels down on their seats in time for the final.

[BossMark]

"I'm thinking about applying for this translator job I've seen in the paper" said Paddy.

"Translator job?" scoffed Murphy, "How many other languages do you know?"

"Two" replied Paddy.

"Australian and American."

[Jimbuna]

My friends got taken to hospital after trying to get drunk on mouthwash.

I tried to warn them, by they weren't listerine.

[August]

Something I just read on the Internets (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=416711521757842&set=a.168406696588327.35841.168193919942938&type=1&theater)


As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/549011_416711521757842_1085508504_n.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A business expert has claimed that the best way to negotiate a pay rise is not to ask for anything.

He was right. I gave it a try, and got exactly what I demanded.

[Jimbuna]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush but when they get back on the road, the cab driver* starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK! My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

[BossMark]

I've done farts which lingered longer than JLS.

And they probably sounded a lot better too.

[Jimbuna]

The wife has just been attacked by a shark.

In fairness, I probably shouldn't have taken the loan out in her name.

[BossMark]

I was in my local shop earlier today about to pay for a chocolate bar, when I bumped into my mate Dave.
"Any luck on finding a job?" I asked him
"Change the topic" he sighed.
So I put it back and got a Dairy milk instead.

[Jimbuna]

Some people will not take the hint to leave, my girlfriend's still sitting in her chair, crying.

I've been pretending to be in a coma for three months now.

[BossMark]

Fifteen years we've been married now and I've just found out my wife's got three gold teeth, one with a diamond embedded in it.


You can see them when she smiles.

[Jimbuna]

The way things are going for Justin Bieber, he'll be signing to play alongside Luis Suarez next.

[WernherVonTrapp]

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him cause he ain't coming.

[Jimbuna]

I said to my mate, "There's this new girl at work who is hot AND single. Love to go on a date with her. She moved over here from the largest state in America."

"Alaska?"

"No its ok mate. I'll ask her out myself when the time's right."

[BossMark]

My wife looks worse than usual today, thanks to what I did last night.


Cleaned my glasses.

[Jimbuna]

When the wife came home today, she took one look at me and said:

"Ok love? do you want to get it off your chest?"

"Nah, I'm alright" I replied.

"I'm not asking" she said, "give me my bra back."

[BossMark]

My mate's wife rang me today asking if I'd seen him.

"Not since yesterday." I answered.

"I knew he was lying!" she screamed, "He told me that he was at your house all night."

"Erm... he... has," I replied.

"Don't stick up for him! You just said that you hadn't seen him since yesterday."

"Yes, well..." I paused, "...We've been playing hide and seek."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend's parents are extremely religious. I remember the first time we stayed round their house. Her father didn't like me much, and made it clear he never wanted us to have sex.

It was a shame, I really liked him.

[BossMark]

When we moved into our house the removal men had to take the casters off the settee to get it through the door and didn't put them back on.
So when the wife was struggling to move it earlier so she could clean behind it she gave me an icy glare.
"Don't look at me like that. " I said. "It's not my fault those lazy bastards didn't put the wheels back on. Anyway I don't know where they put them so what can I do? "
"Well getting off the bloody thing would be a start. " She said.

[Jimbuna]

It's time that we realised torture doesn't work.

And nothing will make lobsters talk.

[BossMark]

My friend suggested I try TV advertising to help my business.

Stupid advice, I don't even sell TVs.

[Jimbuna]

Hugh Hefner is famous for bedding women younger than him.

To be fair, he doesn't have a choice these days.

[BossMark]

My wife was feeling down and very depressed so I got some Michael Mcintyre tickets to cheer her up. Well that didn't help so I sent them back.

That did the trick.

[Jimbuna]

I remember at school to prepare me for work in later life, I was sent on work experience at a department store for two weeks.

The scouse lad in our class got a fortnight at home doing nothing at all and watching TV.

[BossMark]

I'm quite impressed with my wife. She always wants to check if she's turned the oven off.

But only when we're at least 50 miles away from our house.

[Jimbuna]

Something tells me that in 60 years or whatever when Suarez is dead, loads of people will come out with stories of how he bit them, and then there'll be a massive investigation into biting in football.

[BossMark]

I went for a job interview at my local YMCA today.

Everything was going great at first. I answered all of the questions confidently and then the lady asked me, "How did you hear about us?"

Looking back, I don't think, "Dancing to The Village People at my brother's wedding," was the best answer.

[Jimbuna]

Max Clifford has been arrested on 11 Teen Sex Offences.

Daft buggas, there is no such number as eleventeen!

[BossMark]

Year 1965, place Max Clifford's office

Present: Freddie Starr, Rolf Harris, Dave Lee Travis, Gary Glitter, Jim Davidson, Max Clifford & Stuart Hall

Dear Mr. Savele
Please could you fix it for me & my friends to visit a maximum security prison

[Jimbuna]

My son's getting big-headed after a successful trial with Manchester United.

He picks up his mascot outfit on Tuesday.

[BossMark]

I asked my wife what was the matter today.

It took her a couple of minutes but eventually she found something.

[Jimbuna]

Professional Footballers Awards Dinner tonight

Or as Luis Suarez calls it - an all you can eat buffet

[BossMark]

"Two Hotel Guests Die After Being Found In Pool "

Mr Barrymore, can you confirm your whereabouts last night?

[Jimbuna]

After the wife had parked the car in town, I got on the phone.
"Who are you calling?" She asked.
"A taxi" I replied "You must be mad if you think I'm walking to the kerb from here!"

[BossMark]

"Let it sniff the back of your hand first, so it knows you're not a threat." I told the wife, as the cat slicked up to her.
"Then you can stroke it's belly."

Then I jumped back into the Land rover and buggered off across the savannah.

[Jimbuna]

I met Vicky Pryce in Tesco earlier, but I'd forgotten my Clubcard, so I asked her to take the points for me.

[BossMark]

I never drive around with my payslip in my car.

Should I die in an accident, I don't want people to assume it was suicide.

[Jimbuna]

Jamie Carragher joins sky sports.

Press the red button for subtitles.

[BossMark]

My wife asked me "If we were marooned on a desert island what one record would you want?"..

I said "The record for swimming the farthest".

[Hottentot]

To improve the relations between the Soviet Union and Poland a painting is ordered from a well known artist. It's called "Lenin in Poland". The artist works for a few months and finally the new masterpiece of the socialist realism is revealed in a major gallery, accompanied with many high level party officials.

But the painting is not exactly what they expected. It depicts a man and a woman making love in a house, and from the bedroom's window the red stars of Kremlin can be clearly seen. After a moment of awkward silence one of the party officials walks up angrily to the artist.

"We ordered from you a painting called Lenin in Poland and this is what we get! That painting is not even set in Poland!"
"True, it's set in Moscow."
"And that man doesn't resemble Lenin at all!"
"That's because it's not Lenin but Bukharin."
"Who's that woman?!"
"It's Krupskaya, Lenin's wife."
"This is outrageous! Where is Lenin?!"
"In Poland."

[Jimbuna]

Our dyslexic Russian colleague is leaving this week, so we have all chipped in and got him the Tsar Wars Boxset.

[BossMark]

My mate Geoff announced that he's going to appear on Mastermind.

"As you're a London cab driver I bet I know what your specialist subject will be," I said.

He laughed, "Well you're wrong. They've already told me it can't be The Knowledge."

"The Knowledge?" I said, "I was thinking more of how to be a inconsiderate sod."

[Jimbuna]

This morning my wife said, "I find these post-it note jokes of yours about my weight problem really distasteful."

"You're not supposed to eat them love," I replied.

[BossMark]

It's our 14th anniversary today. Funny though, I don't remember breaking two mirrors.

[Jimbuna]

Even though I was 20 minutes late for my interview at a taxi office I still got the job.

The manager thought I was a natural when I told him "I'm just round the corner."

[BossMark]

Finger painting has become more popular than ever in nurseries and schools in Liverpool.

It's been enforced by local police, as they want to get fingerprints on record from a early age.

[Jimbuna]

"When might we take the kids to Disneyland?" the wife asked me a few weeks ago.

I thought about it, and replied, "May."

It's been a blast watching her pack, and the kids getting excited. All I did was correct her grammar.

[BossMark]

In a bit to boost Coronation Street's ratings ITV bosses are going to run a risky story line.

It's going to involve Kevin Webster and Ken Barlow running an under sixteen disco in the Rovers.

[Jimbuna]

As I walked through the front door from work eating a mars bar, my wife had a face on her.

"Don't eat that" she snapped, "You'll spoil your tea."

"Rubbish" I said, "You'll have already done that."

[Platapus]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and wimpering sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs."

"I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[Platapus]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

[BossMark]

I couldn't believe that ITV broadcasted the sex offenders' register.

Then I realised I was watching the credits for Coronation Street.

[BossMark]

Looks like operation Sea Lion will finally be going ahead.

Most will know it as the Champion's League Final.

[Jimbuna]

So, Britain's first official Astronaut is a ginger.
Surely it'd be cheaper just to deport him instead of firing him into space?

[RundownJet]

A drunk Newfie was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.
The Newfie, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."

A bottle appears in front of the Newfie. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Newfie being very content starts walking away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

"Well," replies the Newfie, "Give me TWO more of these!"

[BossMark]

The woman who is claiming she was raped by Bill Roache will now be 61 years old.

I wonder if she sat down to watch Corrie for the first time ever last night and shouted "That's the bastard there"

[Jimbuna]

The distribution of tickets for football finals is becoming a joke. For the Scottish Cup final, Hibs and Celtic are both receiving 20,000 tickets each with over 12,000 tickets being used for corporate clients. Outrageous.

Hibs are never going to sell 20,000 tickets.

[BossMark]

I said to my mate, "I was at a club last night and I got 3 numbers."

He said, "That's good!"

I said, "Not really. She wouldn't give me the other 8."

[Jimbuna]

No divorce is ever really just one person's fault. Usually the blame is a straight 50:50 . . . between the ex-wife and the ex-mother-in-law.

[BossMark]

I was in Sainsbury's earlier, and I spotted the following items:
Honey nut cornflakes - £2.25
Cornflakes - £1.29
Honey - 49p

Looking at the prices gave me a great money saving idea.....

I went to Morrison's

[Jimbuna]

I sent Prince Charles a tube of DeepHeat earlier.

I'd heard him on TV recently saying it was only a matter of time before he was a king.

[BossMark]

Coming soon........


I'm a celebrity get me out of jail

[Jimbuna]

Things are getting so bad down at Coronation Street that soon the only man left on set will be Hayley.

[BossMark]

I think the Sun should start a 'Free Ken Barlow' campaign.

It would be a step up from their usual gutter journalism.

[Jimbuna]

Some random woman sounded her horn at me today as I stood at the bus stop, so I gave her a little wave.

Suddenly she stopped her car, reversed, wound down the window and said, "Do you want a lift home?"

"What a nice lady," I thought, getting into the passenger seat and fastening my seatbelt.

Then she just sat there staring at me, as another bloke got into the back and said, "Who the hell is this dude, Wendy?"

[BossMark]

I spotted a chav with a cig in one hand and a baby in the other earlier, so I threw her a bottle of vodka.

Hardest decision of her life.

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS....Saville police arrest Fred Flinstone over prehistorical sex abuse claims.

[BossMark]

I had a nightmare last night and when I woke up, for a few seconds it all seemed real.

Fortunately, I was just hugging the duvet and my ex wife hadn't come back.

[Jimbuna]

Since I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I've been in 2 minds how I feel about it.

[BossMark]

Despite Robin van Persie netting 25 times for Man United scum this season, he's still only the 3rd best attacker in Manchester, behind Ken Barlow & Kevin Webster.

[Kuikueg]

Jesus is standing in front of the mob about to lapidate a prostitute.
"Whoever is free of sin may throw the first stone" he declares. A stone flies from the mob, hitting the woman on the head.
"I wish you would stop doing that, mum!"

[Jimbuna]

I don't think Anne Frank would have been a Justin Beiber fan.

The fact that millions of people are following an idiot is the reason she was hiding in an attic in the first place.

[BossMark]

So Justin Bieber has upset his fans again by arriving 2 hours late for his Dubai concert.

What a great opportunity for Islamists to unite with Christians. By jailing the bastard for life.

[Jimbuna]

I was at the Doctors yesterday and I asked him "Why have you got a Suppository behind your Ear".

"Because some Bum's got my Biro", he replied.

[BossMark]

Another BBC Scandal! Police have just confirmed that the actor John Inman that appeared in the long running BBC sitcom 'Are You Being Served' was actually straight.

[Jimbuna]

The worst letter I ever wrote...

"Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout."

[BossMark]

What's the difference between Manchester United and North Korea?

One is run by a corrupt, money hungry, dictator and the other is in Asia.

[Jimbuna]

My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical."

I said, "That's good, well done."

He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a frog to cut up."

[BossMark]

A girl I met invited me over to her house and said she would like to make me a curry.

"I wouldn't thank you for it," I said.

"Why?" She replied. "Don't you like Indian food?"

"I love it," I responded. "I'm just an impolite bastard."

[Jimbuna]

If you kill yourself , it's called suicide .
If you kill someone , it's called homicide .
If you kill thousands , it's called genocide .
If you kill the King , it's called regicide .
If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide .
And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years , it's called Merseyside .

[BossMark]

"Bit of a star gazer?" Said the assistant as he handed over my new telescope.

"Yeah, you could say that." I replied. "I've just bought a house opposite Cheryl Cole's"

[Jimbuna]

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are" she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are."

[BossMark]

"Are you from America madam?"

"You think I am American just because I am a little overweight?"

"No madam, it's because this is Tesco and we don't sell guns."

[Jimbuna]

So North Korea have declared that they plan on invading Japan.

I personally wish them the best of luck with storming Takeshi's Castle.

[Schroeder]

So North Korea have declared that they plan on invading Japan.

I personally wish them the best of luck with storming Takeshi's Castle.
That would be awesome to watch!:yeah:

[BossMark]

If there's one thing I hate, it's these extravagant celebrities who splash out money on things they'll never need.

Just this morning I saw Stuart Hall buying a carton of long-life milk.

[Jimbuna]

That would be awesome to watch!:yeah:

I doubt they could afford the bus fare :03:

[Jimbuna]

A friend suggested that sex is a hundred times better if you soften the atmosphere beforehand with champagne and candles.

She didn't appreciate it but I thought it gave a lovely ambience to the alleyway.

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber attacked in dubai while playing the piano...piano was sent crashing to the floor but am glad to report it sustained no serious injury..unfortunately neither did Bieber

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING: Wolves have sacked Dean Saunders.

Bit harsh, I reckon. He got them out of a very difficult league!

[Herr-Berbunch]

Jimmy Tarbuck could be getting the Live From Her Majesty's gig back sooner than he thought.

[BossMark]

I can no longer tell the difference between the New Year's Honours list and the sex offender's register.

[Jimbuna]

So there's three Castro brothers who kept three women hostage for ten years.

Pfft, There's two other Castro brothers that have kept eleven million hostage for over fifty years.

[BossMark]

The man arrested for keeping three girls capture in his basement for over a decade has been named as 52 year old Ariel Castro.

I don't remember his BBC career.

[Jimbuna]

At a job interview, the interviewer was reading my CV when he said to me "It says here you went to university in Hell. You mean Hull, surely?".

I replied "Same thing really".

[BossMark]

Pretty weird to think that the only guy in entertainment who wasn't a sex criminal was Benny Hill.

[Jimbuna]

I might be single, but only through choice.

Theirs.

[BossMark]

When Stuart Hall is in nick and has to slop out, will he have to do it, dressed as a cow maid, wearing pigtails and carrying two buckets across a wooden yoke over an obstacle course?

[Jimbuna]

I think Sir Alan Sugar's age has finally caught up with him, he's firing people he's not even employed yet.

[BossMark]

I've stopped reminding my kids not to speak to strangers when they go out; I just tell them " Keep away from Celebrities "

[Jimbuna]

Heartbreak in the Mark Hughes household as he leaps up to answer his mobile phone only to be asked if he's ever been mis-sold PPI!!

[BossMark]

First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.

[Jimbuna]

Everyone talking about Moyes or Mourinho, but what about Howard Webb?

[BossMark]

Sir Alex Ferguson:
26 Years
13 Premier League Titles
10 Community Shields
5 FA Cups
4 League Cups
2 European Cups
1 Piece of Chewing Gum

[Jimbuna]

I went in to the pharmacy the other day to get some deodorant.

The sales girl there asked me which one I wanted and showed me the huge range.

I was so confused, I couldn't remember which one I normally bought.

Trying to help me, she decided to categorise them, and said "Do you want stick or ball?"

"Well actually, it was for under my arms." I replied.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Sir Alex Ferguson:

26 Years
1352 Bottles of Whisky
13 Premier League Titles
10 Community Shields
5 FA Cups
4 League Cups
2 European Cups
1 Piece of Chewing Gum

FTFY. :D

So Fergie's retiring. I hope the Black Eyed Peas can find a suitable replacement for her.

[Jimbuna]

So Sir Alex Ferguson has announced he will retire from management come the end of May. Or with added time October.

[BossMark]

Jose Mourinho has dropped the biggest hint yet that he is going to take over from Sir Alex Ferguson next season.

He was spotted buying a new watch.

[Jimbuna]

"Quick, hide. It's my husband"

"I thought you said we had at least another half hour?"

"Yes I know but I forgot that Ferguson has retired".

[BossMark]

Man united fans are demanding a 5% reduction in their season ticket prices next season due to the shorter matches at Old Trafford.

[Jimbuna]

I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.

We took the A4.

[BossMark]

A man called to my door today.

"Are you happy with your broadband provider," he asked.

"Very much, but I'm sure you're going to tell me why I should change it?"

"That's exactly it, sir," he replied. "I've been using yours from across the road for months but it's starting to get a bit slow."

[Jimbuna]

A guy in the pub was loudly boasting about his brand new state of the art mobile phone, "It's got everything," he gloated turning towards me, "what's yours got?"

"Mine's waterproof," I replied.

"Waterproof" he laughed, "who needs their phone to be waterproof, eh?" he giggled as he turned gaining acceptance from the rest of the bar.

"You do." I replied as I smugly dropped his new phone into his pint.

[BossMark]

When Wayne Rooney was asked why he wanted a transfer from utd he replied 90% of me wants a new challenge and the other 20% wants to leave

[Jimbuna]

It was reported this week that many of those who were abused by Jimmy Savile have turned to alcohol abuse in the years since.

The BBC are looking to commission a new show to support this group of victims.

Gin'll Fix It

[BossMark]

Why are there TV adverts for toilet roll?

Who's not buying it?

[Jimbuna]

"Do you think this skirts too short John." Asked the wife.

"Well it is a bit." I replied. "I would prefer you wore a longer one."

"How much longer?" She said.

"About 3 inches below your cellulite would be great." I replied.

[BossMark]

I see that Dawn French is in the new Churchill advert.

It's quite sad. You know your career is going down the toilet when you're sat opposite a talking dog. . . . . . . . that used to be married to Lenny Henry.

[Jimbuna]

Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the Northern Ireland football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday.
They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.

[BossMark]

"So you're telling me your husband has hit you, before?" asked the police officer.

"Yes" replied my wife

"That's unfortunate Mrs Jones, but the police aren't able to help you play battleship"

[Jimbuna]

Several Google employees got lost on a team building trip.

Luckily, a search found them in 0.3333 seconds.

[BossMark]

As a cricketing family, my Dad was a slip fielder, his Dad was a slip fielder, and now I want to be a slip fielder.

I think it's catching.

[Jimbuna]

My local police service are the best you could hope for.
One just told me that if I drink and drive, he will provide the chasers.
Council tax well spent.

[Hottentot]

Lenin's time was like a tunnel: there was darkness, but in the end the light was shining.
Stalin's time was like a bus: one person was driving and everyone else feared for their lives.
Khrushchev's time was like a circus: one person kept talking and everyone else was laughing.
Brezhnev's time was like a bad film: one person kept talking and everyone else kept wondering when is this finally going to end.

[BossMark]

I was in a restaurant with my blind date the other day, when I randomly asked her what bra size she was.
"Don't you have any standards?" she shrieked.
"Yes, D cup and above preferably" I replied.

[BossMark]

I was talking to an American girl in the pub.

"Before we go any further," she said, "you should know that I have a bladder control problem."

"You don't have to wear a nappy do you?" I joked.

"Of course not!" she said. "We call them diapers."

[Jimbuna]

After polishing off two Big Macs and a huge milkshake, my wife waddled out of McDonald's today and was immediately hit in the forehead by a low-flying pigeon. She didn't half jump.


Trying to get it in her mouth, no doubt.

[breadcatcher101]

Rumors are circulating in California that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23!

[Jimbuna]

"I'm thinking about applying for this translator job I've seen in the paper" said Paddy.

"Translator job?" scoffed Murphy, "How many other languages do you know?"

"Two" replied Paddy.

"Australian and American."

[BossMark]

On my way to work this morning, I noticed the man driving next to me was texting whilst driving.

Knowing how dangerous that can be, I promptly rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

[Jimbuna]

"Good evening, and welcome to the Television BAFTAs. Sadly, none of tonight's winners can be here. However, we can now cross over live to Her Majesty's Prison, London, where the winners will give their speech."

[BossMark]

Operation Yewtree has gone quiet lately. Keep your eye on any notable sudden celebrity departures.........I can think of one in Manchester, maybe two?

[Jimbuna]

Bruce Forsyth said that there should be an alternate show called 'British children have talent.'
With ideas like that, he could be getting a knock on his door sooner than he thinks.

[Red October1984]

Okay. So I went with my best friend to go see Iron Man 3 the other night...

There was a guy in the row behind us who kept cracking jokes before and after the movie. I shook his hand afterwards. He was hilarious. This is one of his best jokes. A movie trivia question about The Exorcist comes up and he says this

"Hey, do you know what happens when you don't pay your Exorcist? You get repossessed."

Completely out of nowhere.... :rotfl2:

"What do you call a cow that got it's baby taken away? Decaf."

@ The guy who sat behind me. You sir, are awesome. :har: The jokes are kind of cheesy...but the timing and tone made up for the cheesiness. :cool:

[BossMark]

The hardest part about being in a new relationship has to be learning to fart quietly again.

[Sailor Steve]

"Hey, do you know what happens when you don't pay your Exorcist? You get repossessed."
That one is a whole lot older than you are. :sunny:

[Red October1984]

That one is a whole lot older than you are. :sunny:

I know...and so was the guy who told it. :shucks:

[BossMark]

Interesting watching Michael Palin's speech at the BAFTA's last night.

"Finally I'd like to thank the BBC. No other broadcasting company in the world would have given me the freedom to do what I've done for the last 40 years."

Erm, is that a confession..?

[Jimbuna]

I told my psychiatrist I have problems talking to attractive women.

She told me to get out.

[BossMark]

A woman walks into work late and her boss starts going mental.

"You're two hours bloody late!" he yelled. "Will I have to report you to management?"

"I'm actually two weeks late, thanks to you," she replied. "Shall I report you to your wife?"

"Take the day off," he squirmed.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a fancy dress party last week dressed as a loaf of bread...

The birds were all over me.

[BossMark]

One Direction. The band The Beatles could've been.

If The Beatles had been a bunch of talentless faggots.

[BossMark]

Prince William and Harry and Duchess of Cambridge donate £100,000 to help wounded soldiers.
It would have been easier just to say...
British taxpayers donate £100,000 to help wounded soldiers.

[Jimbuna]

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Rubbish" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

[BossMark]

The electricity company called me and said, 'The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low.'

I said, 'Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit.'

'Sir, you can't do that!' they said.

I replied, 'Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you bastards.'

[Jimbuna]

My wife left me because I'm too patronising.

Which is annoying as I was about to give her a gold star for knowing such a clever word.

[BossMark]

Hugh Hefner - 87 years old, has 27 year old wife.

Berlusconi - 77 years old, has a 27 year old girlfriend.

Maradona - 52 years old, has a 22 year old girlfriend.

Moral: Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, yours probably isn't born yet.

[Jimbuna]

I was really confused about the effect of gravity on coins.

But then the penny dropped.

[BossMark]

Secret documents released from the white house admit that the US Government tried to assassinate Fidel Castro with poison toothpaste and exploding cigars.

Or to put it another way, the US Government used to get all their assassination techniques from the joke shop.

[Jimbuna]

My Mate was telling me that a Friend of his once brought him a Basic Unit of Information all the way from Australia.

Sounded a Bit Far Fetched to Me.

[BossMark]

So Chelsea have won the Champion's league last season, the Europa league this season, does anyone else think they will be winning the Johnstone's Paint Trophy in the next few years?

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend came in from work looking rather miserable today.

"You ok love?" I asked.

"No, I'm not." She replied.
"I had a massive argument with Julie in the canteen today."

"Really?" I said.
"About what?"


"About half twelve."

[Jimbuna]

"My doctor, whom I've been going to since I was a kid, just gave me some terrible news after my blood test. I just can't believe it!" I told my girlfriend.

She looked at me with a rather worried look on her face and said, "Oh no! Oh my god, what's wrong."

I said, "The silly buggers getting married!"

[BossMark]

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no bloody money in there.

[Jimbuna]

Although Liverpool didn't win a trophy this year, Luis Suarez still managed to taste European success.

[BossMark]

Just watched David Beckham's 'retirement' interview - with Gary Neville in a hotel room.

Is that the best excuse they could come up with?.

[Jimbuna]

If there's one thing I hate more the hypocrites it's someone who exaggerates.

A bloke I work with must exaggerate at least a million times a day.

[BossMark]

Just saw a poster outside the local BP petrol station that said,

"Save 5p per litre when you spend £25 in store"

So i went in and bought a sandwich and bottle of pop before filling up.

[Jimbuna]

I got lost walking around London today until I saw a paving stone with the word 'GO' written on it.

It was then I realised I was somewhere near Old Kent Road.

[BossMark]

I've just had the most pleasant family reunion for as long as I can remember.

My mother-in-law's funeral.

[Jimbuna]

So many trophy winning managers have been sacked this season..

It seems the only way to keep your job in football is by managing Arsenal.

[BossMark]

After signing a one year contract with Chelsea, Frank Lampard has said he is looking forward to working with the next 3 or 4 Chelsea managers.

[Jimbuna]

UKIP leader Nick Farage was bundled into a police van in Edinburgh yesterday, shortly after arriving at a pub.

Nice to see a politician observing the local customs.

[BossMark]

I can't believe that, with a name like his, Donald Trump is opposing the construction of a wind farm.

[Jimbuna]

"I've got the skin of a 20 year old", said my wife.


"You better give it back", I replied, "You're getting it all wrinkled."

[BossMark]

Manchester City have confirmed that Abu Qatada is their new manager.

He knows a few things about staying in Europe.

[Jimbuna]

I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife"

Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

[BossMark]

I was watching "The Fast & The Furious" today.

Or Nigel Farage being chased by a bunch of drunken Scotsmen, as it's more commonly known.

[Jimbuna]

David Beckham and Gary Neville are sitting watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatening to jump off a bridge.

Beckham says to Gary Neville " I bet you £100 that he doesn't jump",

Gary Neville replies '"OK I bet you £100 that he DOES jump"

Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself.

Beckham gets out £100 and gives it to Gary.

Gary says "I can't take your money, it wouldn't be fair. You're my best mate and all that............ I had watched the 12 'o' clock news earlier and it was on then, so I knew he was going to jump"

Beckham replied "I watched the 12 'o' clock news as well but i didn't think that he would jump again"

[Jimbuna]

A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark.

Either that or they're playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.

[BossMark]

I knew I was in trouble when my Irish kidnapper removed the blindfold.

Maybe I should have escaped while he was still wearing it.

[Schroeder]

David Beckham and Gary Neville are sitting watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatening to jump off a bridge.

Beckham says to Gary Neville " I bet you £100 that he doesn't jump",

Gary Neville replies '"OK I bet you £100 that he DOES jump"

Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself.

Beckham gets out £100 and gives it to Gary.

Gary says "I can't take your money, it wouldn't be fair. You're my best mate and all that............ I had watched the 12 'o' clock news earlier and it was on then, so I knew he was going to jump"

Beckham replied "I watched the 12 'o' clock news as well but i didn't think that he would jump again"
That one is older than Beckham.:O:

[Jimbuna]

That one is older than Beckham.:O:

Most of them are but it's too hard keeping track :)

The reclusive owner of China's largest sewage company was discovered today:

Dip Tin Poo.

[BossMark]

I all ways remember whenever dad used to swear he'd all ways say afterwards "pardon my french"

then one day at school the teacher asked "does anyone speak a foreign language?"

I raised my hand....

[Jimbuna]

I surprised my new girlfriend with an all expenses trip to South America.
"Oh babe, what's the catch?" She giggled
"No catch love, just bring me back £10,000's of the finest Columbian" I winked.
She's back now, and I am drinking the most expensive coffee in the world.

[BossMark]

I see the Soap Awards are on. Have there been any Soap weddings this year?

Coronation Street is bound to win 'Best Groom'.

[Jimbuna]

My mum says I have the measles...

I think she is making a rash decision.

[Herr-Berbunch]

The wife has me popping something round to her attractive friend on Wednesday morning.

She's warned me not to try it on with her, and no innuendos - I said it'll be hard.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend got sick of all the bullying so she finally took a razor to herself to end it all.

It worked. The name-calling stopped since she got rid of the moustache.

[Stealhead]

My girlfriend got sick of all the bullying so she finally took a razor to herself to end it all.

It worked. The name-calling stopped since she got rid of the moustache.

:har:

[BossMark]

After serving as co-pilots in Afghanistan, Dave & I became best friends, so I was distraught when I caught him sleeping with my wife.

We can't fly together any more if his eyesight's that bad.

[Jimbuna]

The wife's just set off out in the car, on her way to London. She's going to see her parents in hospital.


Don't know which yet, it depends where she crashes.

[BossMark]

The Rooney's new baby will apparently be called "Clay".

Wayne had wanted "Playdough" but couldn't spell it.

[Jimbuna]

My grandad suffered with trench foot.

It was sole destroying.

[BossMark]

Wayne Rooney has named his son Klay Anthony Rooney.

Wayne said his initials spell out where he was conceived

[Jimbuna]

I gave up my seat for a heavily pregnant woman today.

"You sit here, luv." I said.

"Thanks," she replied, "But what are you doing in the ladies toilets?"

[BossMark]

Wayne Rooney has denied that he ever made an official transfer request, adding that he asked for stickers and not transfers.

[Jimbuna]

Today I read the headline:

Fruit lorry crashes on motorway - creates jam

[Platapus]

I came home one day and told the wife

"Great news! I won the lottery. Pack your bags!"

She said "Shall I pack beach wear or city wear?"

"I don't care which, just get out!"

[Jimbuna]

Wayne Rooney's newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father.

Thick and difficult to work with.

[Platapus]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

[Jimbuna]

I was listening to Pink Floyd earlier, In the garden.

I kept sneezing and my eyes started to itch.

I thought, Hay Fever, Leave my Lids alone.

[BossMark]

What happens when you give women equal rights and allow them to make decisions?

Klay, Brooklyn and Apple.

Thanks Hemline Pankhurst.

[Jimbuna]

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.

Worst prostate exam ever.

[BossMark]

Me and some friends are going off to shoot some cheap antique vases with a rifle later on.

We're going bargain hunting

[Jimbuna]

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.

[BossMark]

After weeks of receiving virtually non-stop 'phone calls from a double glazing company, I finally got them to stop.

I agreed to having a conservatory installed.

Should have seen the look on the faces of the buggers who came to put it up, I live in a top-floor flat.

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked me to make her a list of all the food we'd need for her parents anniversary party so I wrote

Eye, donut, carrot, all...

[BossMark]

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day".

[Jimbuna]

My wife is getting on my nerves always nicking the duvet in the middle of the night.

I'm gonna have to start locking my bedroom door.

[BossMark]

The blonde woman sitting opposite me on the train this morning was staring at her crossword for over an hour, so eventually I leant across and said, "Can I help?"

"Hopefully," she smiled, "Have you got a pen?"

[Jimbuna]

Ryanair have announced further cuts in air fares after successfully saving hundreds of thousands in fuel costs with the introduction of measures that substantially reduce the weight each aircraft has to carry.

I think their stewardesses will look better with no make-up.

[BossMark]

The USA, China and North Korea want to raise the Titanic.

The USA is interested in any gold, precious stones and antiques on board.

China is obviously interested in the technical know-how.

North Korea is interested in the band that kept playing when everything looked bloody hopeless.

[Jimbuna]

I got talking to an Irish bloke in the pub last night and eventually the conversation got around to what we both did for a living.

"I'm currently working part time while going to uni" I said.

"Ah, sounds grand" he replied "I work for DeBeers"

"Wow, the diamond company?" I asked

"No" he slurred "I'll tarmac your drive for a six pack"

[BossMark]

Driving home from the pub earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car.
"Everything alright officer?" I asked.
"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."
"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight pints."
He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home."

[garren]

A boy was born with a crumpled up and deformed left arm. He prayed to God one night, "God, please make my arm like the other one." And that's when he got his wish - His right arm crumpled up and became deformed as well.

[Jimbuna]

There was list of self made British Millionaires in the news earlier but I don't think it was very accurate, Ronnie Biggs wasn't on it...

[BossMark]

I paid a fortune for a parrot that can do ventriloquism.

He's so funny.

Yesterday he made my mate say, "You've been conned."

[Jimbuna]

People say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals other than humans, and I'm starting to believe it's true.
Within a week of being in captivity, they can train someone to stand by their pool and give them a fish.

[Platapus]

Why does a prostitute charge more for anal sex than oral sex? The hole is worth more than the hum of your parts.

[BossMark]

Turned down a ticket for tonight's Champions League final. If I wanted to see that many Germans in one place, I'd go to Mallorca all inclusive.

[Jimbuna]

Brought my mate round the house for dinner last night, and the wife was not happy.

"My hair isn't done, the house is a mess, the dishes are dirty and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home for?"

"He's thinking of getting married."

[BossMark]

Reasons I failed my exams:

History: I got the date wrong
Geography: I turned up to the wrong classroom
Chemistry: I couldn't find the solution
Biology: I had a headache
Physics: I was forced into it
Maths: I took the wrong angle
English: I didn't understand the question
French: I had deja vu
Art: I just couldn't picture it
Drama: I was acting like a child
Religion: I didn't have the spirit
I.T: I couldn't process the question

[Simmy]

Two Jehovah Witnesses walking down the street see a drunk staggering around on the corner. So they walk up and one says, Sir would you like to be a Jehovah Witness? The drunk looks at them and says, hell lady I didn't even see the accident.

[BossMark]

Have you heard about Bayern Munich's new commemorative Champion's League lager?

Brewed in Munich, bottled in Wembley.

[Jimbuna]

My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..

"I know" was probably not the right answer.

[BossMark]

Ever since we changed phone companies I am having terrible difficulty trying to convince my wife that 'Talk Talk' Is not an instruction.

[Jimbuna]

I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier.

"What kind of a gun is that?" "Where did you get it?" "Does it come in different colours?"

[BossMark]

I've bought a fancy new drawbridge for my castle.

It's got a remoat control.

[Jimbuna]

I used to be poor...


Then I bought a Thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

[BossMark]

What's the First Rule of Alzheimers Club again?

[Jimbuna]

A major sinus operation I've been waiting to have, has been scheduled for the day before a month long drinking holiday to Australia with my friends.
It's taken six months to get the surgery so I can't cancel it, but unfortunately the procedure means I won't be able to taste the beer.


Mind you it's Fosters, so neither will my mates.

[BossMark]

Watching the telly earlier My Dad said, 'It's about time they gave judges back their bloody hanging powers. See what things have come to in this country nowadays?'

We're not letting him watch Britain's Got Talent next week.

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying my little old grandad is unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.

Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack ever.