The joke thread

[BossMark]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

[Jimbuna]

An ugly girl approached me where I sat alone and she gave me a big smile.

'Single?' I asked.

'Yes,' she smiled. 'How did you guess?'

'Because you use this bus every day. £1.80 please,' I said, handing her the ticket.

[BossMark]

there once was this doctor a lawyer a priest and a little boy and they were all in an air plane. then all of a sudden the pilot announces that the plane has engine trouble so the pilot takes off with a parachute.so then there was only 3 parachutes left. the doctor says i save life's i have to live so he takes his parachute then the lawyer says we are the smartest people in the world i must live so he goes. the the priest tells the little boy here son you take i am old and you have a life ahead of you so you take the parachute and the little boy said no its OK because the smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.

[Herr-Berbunch]

there once was this doctor a lawyer a priest and a little boy and they ... ... the smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=1763715&postcount=633

I wouldn't mind, but you did it. ;)


Anyhoo -

Who thought it'd be a great idea to mix the words Obsessive and Complusive with the word Disorder? Surely Obsessive Compulsive Order would be more apt? :hmmm:

[BossMark]

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=1763715&postcount=633

I wouldn't mind, but you did it. ;)


Anyhoo -

Who thought it'd be a great idea to mix the words Obsessive and Complusive with the word Disorder? Surely Obsessive Compulsive Order would be more apt? :hmmm:
:oops:Oh dear thinks am going senile :oops:

[Jimbuna]

I'd always had a thing for my boss, so when she asked if I'd like to be friends with benefits, I eagerly said yes.

"Great!", she said. "Here's your P45."

[Sailor Steve]

I wouldn't mind, but you did it. ;)
And I came thiiiis close to making the same comment I did back then. :oops:
:rotfl2:

[BossMark]

A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.
“Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says
“Well he did,” the boy replies, “and one of the animals paid us £50.”

[Jimbuna]

My wife sent me a text, "Where are you?"

"I'm at my anger management meeting."

"How's it going?"

"Not good, I'll fill you in later."

[krashkart]

What does it take to circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers.

[BossMark]

Have you heard about that new brand of toilet roll?
Its called Justin Bieber - My Autobiography

[Jimbuna]

I didn't know the answer to the exam question "What is plagiarism?"

So I just copied off the bloke next to me

[BossMark]

A blonde goes to the hairdressers with her walkman on. When it gets to her turn the hairdresser says "can you take your walkman off please" and she replies "oh no i can never take it off, just cut around it" so she does. A couple of weeks later she is back again the hairdresser asks to take her walkman off and she gets the same answer. When she is having her hair cut she falls asleep and the hairdresser sneaks her walkman off. When she has finished she tries to wake the blonde but she is dead. She picks up the walkman and it is saying "breathe in,breathe out!"

[Jimbuna]

I might go and see the Muppets tonight.

Anybody know what time their flight arrives from Milan?

[BossMark]

Mum and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their making a puppy."

Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mum and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a puppy!"

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

[BossMark]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman

[Herr-Berbunch]

Don't join a dangerous cult...

Instead practice safe sect.

[Jimbuna]

Dating definitely gets harder the older you get.

Especially when you're married.

[BossMark]

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all your sexual needs.''

''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?''

''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, any time you want, except for Wednesdays.''

''What happens on Wednesdays?''

''It's your turn in the barrel...''

[Sailor Steve]

I told that one at least five years ago, and I didn't copy and past it, I told it. :O:

[BossMark]

I told that one at least five years ago, and I didn't copy and past it, I told it. :O:
Dint know it was that old :D



A Blonde Woman Filling a Credit card application Form
NAME: Rebecca Nelson
D.O.B: 12/12/1982
SEX: twice a day

[Jimbuna]

Dint know it was that old :D



A Blonde Woman Filling a Credit card application Form
NAME: Rebecca Nelson
D.O.B: 12/12/1982
SEX: twice a day

Well you wouldn't.....being a Leeds supporter :doh:

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to Hell.
The Englishman wound up in a blazing furnace and The Scotsman was put in beside him burning away. The Irishman wound up in a big bedroom with a beautiful blonde film star in his arms. That's not fair,' said The Englishman and The Scotsman, 'rewarding him like that.' That's not The Irishman's reward,' said The Devil, 'that's her punishment.'

[BossMark]

Well you wouldn't.....being a Leeds supporter :doh:
:har::har:

[Jimbuna]

While walking through town this morning, some cheeky bugga asked me, "Sir, would you like to donate twenty pounds to save an endangered species."

I replied, "This is Liverpool mate. The twenty pound note is an endangered species."

[BossMark]

Father Brown was a man for the horses and attended every meeting at the local course. He got to know jockeys, trainers and officials and was a regular visitor to the 'business end' of the racing scene.
One day, whilst breezing round the training area he came upon trainer Murphy who was giving sugar lumps to the outsider.
'I hope that's not dope you're giving the poor beast?' said the priest jokingly.
'Indeed not, Father,' said Murphy.' Tis only sugar. Here, swallow a cube and I will as well.'
Satisfied, the priest wandered on as Murphy dialled a number on his mobile phone and said:
'Mick, it's all set. The horse has had the treatment and he'll go like the wind. In fact if anything passes it, it will be me or Father Brown!'

[Jimbuna]

I got a call from the hospital. My wife has been badly hurt in a car crash. I walked into the room and could see she was unconscious so I figured now was the best time to quiz the doctor. I called him to one side and asked "be honest with me doc, what are the chances ?" "not good" he replied "but your wife could still pull through" "nah doc" I replied "I mean what are my chances with that nurse over there"

[Fish]

http://i40.tinypic.com/n1q7x2.jpg

[BossMark]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

[Jimbuna]

Leeds United ex boss Simon Grayson has accepted a job with Sky,and is expected to at least double his wages. Simon said today he can't wait to get started and is looking forward to fitting his first dish!!!

[BossMark]

Q. What's the difference between the Toon keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.

[BossMark]

Q: What do Toon fans and laxatives have in common?
A: Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a Leeds fan with many girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

[BossMark]

A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life".

Of course the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

[BossMark]

An old one but its still true :D



Quasimodo asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest git in the world?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say ?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's Peter Beardsley?"

[Jimbuna]

An old one but its still true :D



Quasimodo asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest git in the world?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say ?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's Peter Beardsley?"

Older than you I suspect:

Peter Beardsley is the latest footballer linked to a super injunction, apparently the bird he shagged doesn’t want to be named..!

[Jimbuna]

My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."

[BossMark]

This blind man goes into a drug store and starts knocking stuff off the shelf with his cane.

The manager comes over and says, "Can I help you sir?"

"No, I'm just looking."

[Jimbuna]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[Platapus]

My girlfriend called me a pedophile.

I said "that's a pretty big word for a 12 year old to use"

[BossMark]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
A Scotsman throwing a pound away :har:

[Jimbuna]

A woman has just done her shopping and is taking a shortcut home through the park. Suddenly a man jumps out of the bushes, opens his raincoat and exposes himself.
The woman takes a deep breath, looks down at her shopping bags, slaps her palm to her forehead and says:

"Bloody knew it! I forgot the shrimps!"

[BossMark]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you £10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

[Jimbuna]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the heck was that? Stop the car, son."

[BossMark]

One day a blonde decided to get a mobile phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.
Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.
A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.
Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"

[Jimbuna]

In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist.

It was the stuff of knight mares

[BossMark]

A blonde government supervisor called in a subordinate regarding his failure to complete his last task.
Blonde: Sam, I see you only converted 4 out of the 5 books I asked you to convert to Braille. As you know our state needs to make our publications available to everyone including the blind.
Sam: Yes, of course.
Blonde: So what happened with that fifth book?
Sam: You mean the auto mobile driving manual?

[Hottentot]

I found these from a book detailing actual jokes being told 1930s Soviet Union. Many of them are actually still alive and being told, but these ones I hadn't heard before.

- - - - - - - - -

God gets annoyed at the Soviet Union's anti-religious campaign and decides to fix the problem by sending Jesus to Russia. A month passes and nothing is heard. God gets worried and sends an angel to find Jesus. A week later the angel comes back with a note:

"Arrested for counter-revolutionary agitation. On the way to interrogation. Help! -Jesus"

God decides to send the angel back to save Jesus. A week later another note arrives:

"Arrested for spying. Being interrogated. Help! -Angel."

God gets really worried now and decides to send Saint Peter to Russia to save both Jesus and the angel. A month passes until finally a note arrives in a fine envelope:

"Alive and well. -People's Commissar Petrov."

- - - - - - - - - -

Stalin hast lost his pipe and furiously calls the NKVD. He orders them at once to find his pipe as well as the filthy thief who stole it. However, an hour later he finds out that he had simply misplaced the pipe in his pocket and calls the NKVD again.

"I found it, you can stop searching."
"But comrade Stalin, we have already arrested 10 people for the theft."
"Well let them go then."
"We can't, they have already confessed!"

- - - - - - - - -

Stalin is giving a speech to a private audience of high ranking officials. In the middle of his preaching someone sneezes. An awkward silence follows...

"Who sneezed?!" Stalin demands to know. Nobody admits.
"Take every tenth person from the audience and sentence them to ten years of forced labor", he orders the guards and it happens.
"Who sneezed?!" He asks again, but still no one admits.
"Take every fifth person and sentence them to death", he orders again.
After this has been done, he asks again: "Who sneezed?!"
"Comrade Stalin, it was I", one of the official finally stutters nervously.
"Oh", Stalin nods. "Bless you", he says and continues his speech.

- - - - - - - - -

A factory worker is late. When he finally arrives to his post, his supervisor is there waiting for him.

"What is this?!" The supervisor demands to know, "You are half an hour late! The five year plan will never become reality with people like you! I could have you arrested for sabotage!!"
"I'm sorry, comrade supervisor, I slept too long", the worker explains.
"That's no excuse! You could have slept at work!"

[Jimbuna]

My mate said, "I think I asked that new barmaid to marry me last night."

"Nah, it was just the beer talking."

"How do you know?"

"Because the beer shut up just after you passed out."

[BossMark]

Old Father O"Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You"re the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I"ve ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.""Incredible!" said Father O"Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?""Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I"ll be back to normal.""Well," said Father O"Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."So Father O"Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

[Jimbuna]

I was standing outside the off licence earlier when I stopped some bloke who was going in.

I said, "Excuse me mate, can you buy me some alcohol please?"

He looked at me and said, "You must be old enough, surely?"

"Yeah I am" I replied, "I just don't have any money."

[Hottentot]

1940. Hitler asks Stalin to help him in destroying London. Stalin sends a brigade of Soviet apartment managers.

- - - - - - - - -

Agitator: "Work hard for the plan and we will catch the capitalist countries!"
Audience: "When we catch them, can we stay there?"

[Jimbuna]

I was fired from my job at the baseball cap shop yesterday.

It happened at the drop of a hat.

[Sailor Steve]

Joke from when I was a kid:

Steve: I can jump higher than the Empire State Building!

Bill: No you can't!

Steve: Sure I can! How high can the Empire State Building jump?

[BossMark]

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if
the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind
the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newly-weds, "How was your room? How was the service?
How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on
them."


Reminds me of this
only fools and horses chandelier

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7loRf7Y2dg

[Jimbuna]

I bought my son a toy cowboy set, but he threw away the Roy Rogers cowboy and just runs around shooting everyone with the horse.

I think he's trigger happy.

[BossMark]

One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.
"Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."
"Logic" replied Mick. "What's Logic?" said Pat.
"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a Gold Fish?"
Pat: "I do!"
Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick:
"So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!"
Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions. An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.
Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University".
Shamey: "And What's He Studying?".
Pat: "Logic!" Shamey: "And What's Logic?"
Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a Gold Fish?" Shamey: "I Do!"
Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"

[Jimbuna]

A man gets stranded on a mysterious island where he comes across a stranger.
Slightly worried he asks the stranger "are there any cannibals on this island?"
At which the stranger replies "no, no ,no don't worry there aren't any cannibals here.....
I ate the last one"

[BossMark]

Paddy rings an ambulance for his mate Mick. "Come quick my mate Mick is hurt and needs help fast". The operator tells Paddy to calm down and asks where he is at. "104 Eucalyptus Boulevard" says Paddy. "Can you spell that please" says the operator. The line goes quiet and the operator says "Hello sir are you still there". Couple of minutes pass and still nothing until after about 5 minutes Paddy comes back on the line. "Right I have just dragged him to 2 Oak Road".

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Scouser with a job?

A Benefit Cheat.

[BossMark]

Paddy says to Mick one day. Hey Mick do me a favour mate. The next time your making love to your wife close the bloody blinds mate" Mick replies "Whats wrong like mate what makes you say that." Paddy replies, "Well Mick yesterday as I was walking past I noticed the whole street was standing outside laughing up at your window watching the whole show and laughing at you and your wife". Mick says, "Well Paddy just between you and me mate the joke is on them as I wasn't even home yesterday".

[Jimbuna]

My boss just asked, "do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here."

"Yeah no problem, I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

"Ok, when do you think you'll get here then?"

"Monday."

[BossMark]

The boss was giving a pep talk to the latest recruit to the office staff. 'I run a tight ship here,' he said. 'I want men who are efficient, conscientious and hard-working.'
'Well, sir,' said the new recruit, 'I think you'll find I always give of my very best at all times.'
'That's what everyone says when they start,' said the boss. 'But how long will you continue to do your best?'
'I suppose,' said the new man, 'until I've got your job.'

[Herr-Berbunch]

Who wrote the song 'Ain't No Sunshine'?

Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know . . .

[Jimbuna]

I was going into the gents in the Liverpool One shopping centre as this Scouser came out.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you, lad" he said.

"Stinks does it?" I said.

"No I've just nicked all the taps."

[BossMark]

A maths teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a maths teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''

[Jimbuna]

I took Sainsbury's up on their Live Well For Less campaign.

I now walk the extra mile to Tesco.

[BossMark]

Paddy and Mick were working on a building site. Paddy says to Mick "I can't be bothered working all day I wanna go home" so he climbs to the top of the building site and hangs upside down on a steel girder. So then the boss comes out and says "what the hell do you think your doing?" Paddy says "pretending to be a light bulb". The boss says "go home, your being stupid" so he climbs down and starts walking out. Mick watches and says "im going home too", but just as he was putting on his coat, the boss says "and were do you think your going?" Mick says "home, I'm not working in the dark"

[Jimbuna]

My wife was surprised when for once I was willing to stop the car and ask for directions from passers by.

It will provide a plausible explanation when she receives the police letter about my kerb crawling later this month.

[BossMark]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

[Jimbuna]

I went to my local market today and saw a sign that said: "ONE WATERMELON FOR £3 OR THREE FOR £10"

Instead of telling the guy behind the stall how stupid he was I decided to show him.

So I walked up to him and asked: "Can I but a watermelon please?"

"Yes sir, that'll be three pounds."

I handed over the money and asked: "Actually, can I have another one please?"

"No problem sir, that's three pounds."

"Can I have one more?"

"Certainly sir, three pounds."

Smirking I said: "I've just bought three watermelons for nine pounds but on your sign it says ten. Don't you realise how stupid you are?"

"That happens a lot," he chuckled, "until I point out that they just bought three watermelons intead of one."

[BossMark]

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

[Jimbuna]

Good news for QPR..

Leading scorer Helguson is nearing fitness and could be available for a place in next week's finishing ten.

[BossMark]

I always book two seats when I go to Millwall, one to sit on and one to throw when the fighting starts!

[BossMark]

A father and son were sitting eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".
The son asked "Is van Gogh worth it, Dad?",
The father, surprised at his son's sudden interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
"Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Andy Carroll, and he his crap"

[BossMark]

A Leeds fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a Genie who says "I am the football genie. I will grant you 3 wishes, and everything you wish for you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."
"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid."
"You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?"
"Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a case of £50 notes.
"Now I wish for Leeds to win the Champions League for 10 years running"
"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Champions league 20 years running?"
"Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanac from the year 2052 showing the English dominance of the Champions League

"And what is your third and final wish", said the Genie
After some thought the Leeds fan replies: "I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

[Jimbuna]

A wife says to her husband: "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".

"What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."

[BossMark]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[Jimbuna]

A new childrens television series will begin airing across Afghanistan in the near future. The Talitubbies is expected to be extremely popular.

[BossMark]

One day a blond was driving down the street. As she was going along she spotted another blond sitting in a row boat out in the middle of a field. She was so angry she slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car and screamed at the top of her lungs, "You stupid idiot! It's dumb blonds like you that give smart blonds like me a bad name. I have half a mind to swim out there and kick your butt!"

[Jimbuna]

The wife just rang me, "Where are you?"

I said, "I'm in sane."

She said, "How did you get there?"

I said, "You drove me."

[BossMark]

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

[Jimbuna]

I phoned up my lawyer earlier, and said "How much for you to answer three questions?"

"Two thousand pounds." He replied swiftly.

"Two thousand pounds? Isn't that a bit much?" I shouted back.

He paused for a moment, then replied "Yes, and i suppose it is. Now what's your third question?"

[BossMark]

It's revolutionary France 1789; Paris is in turmoil and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. 'Do you want to be beheaded on your back or your front?' the executioner asked Baldwin.
'On my back,' said Baldwin. 'I'm not afraid of death.'
So Baldwin was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schtuck......and the blade jammed. Baldwin was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to death twice.
Cameron was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Cameron was reprieved.
Patrick Murphy was third. 'Back or front?'
'If it's good enough for Baldwin and Cameron, it's good enough for me,' and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.
'Begorrah,' Patrick said. 'Wait justa minute. To be sure, I think I can see why it jams.'

[Sailor Steve]

I phoned up my lawyer earlier, and said "How much for you to answer three questions?"

"Two thousand pounds." He replied swiftly.

"Two thousand pounds? Isn't that a bit much?" I shouted back.

He paused for a moment, then replied "Yes, and i suppose it is. Now what's your third question?"
What a lousy lawyer! He should have seen that that was your third question. "Two thousand pounds" was the answer to the first one. :O:

[Jimbuna]

My mate asked, "What would you do if you had Richard Branson's money?"

I said, "Probably spend it before he noticed it was missing."

[BossMark]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and Master Card this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[Jimbuna]

As a struggling actor I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition.

"The part's made for you," he said. "They want someone your age, height and build with an accent like yours, and it's being filmed about 5 minutes from your house."

"It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?"

"It's a Crimewatch rape reconstruction."

"Erm... No... I'm busy that day..."

[Sailor Steve]

A friend told me this one last night:

A chef is experimenting with a new recipe, and asks a friend to try it. The chef brings his friend a bowl of soup. The friend takes a bite, takes another, and then a third.

"This is great!" he says. "What is it?"

"Toadstool soup" is the chef's reply.

"Toadstools?" the friend enquires. "Aren't they supposed to be poisonous?"

The chef shrugs and says "That depends on what the toad had to eat the night before."

[mookiemookie]

An Irishman walks out of a bar...






No, seriously, that's it. That's the joke. :O:

[BossMark]

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texans offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, 'Yes', and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me asking', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'
Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

[BossMark]

The Doctor was puzzled, 'I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, O' Flaherty. I think it must be drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.

[Jimbuna]

I can't wait for tomorrow.

It's come to work in a bra and knickers day.

Well, that's what we've told the apprentice.

[BossMark]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma "

[Jimbuna]

The police knocked on my door this evening.

"Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?" asked the officer.

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love."

"That's true," my wife shouted over, "but I've no idea where he was at five past."

[BossMark]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[Herr-Berbunch]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for
short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the
hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is
disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru

[Jimbuna]

My wife phoned me today.

"I can't believe it just cost me £75 to fill up but last week it only cost £60!" she ranted.

"Well," I replied, "the portions in McDonald's must be getting smaller."

[Sailor Steve]

Ze drem vil finali kum tru
That is a very, very old joke that I had totally forgotten. Thanks for bringing it back! :rock:

[BossMark]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Jimbuna]

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

[BossMark]

'I'd like some nails,' Michael requested of the travelling tinker.
'How long would you like them?' asked the man.
'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Michael.

[Jimbuna]

Torres is the proud holder of a new footballing record.

He is now averaging 1.6 goals a manager at Chelsea.

[BossMark]

Chelsea goal avoider Fernando Torres is to dress up like Ashley Cole’s new wife, in the hope that nobody asks him to play football any more. Francesca Torres-Cole will be in the stands for the midweek game against Napoli and has promised to talk about Versace, pout her lips and gossip about Cole’s genitals to the Daily Star. The move comes after the £50 million man finally realised that aiming a ball in a straight direction is simply not possible with modern day physics.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen on that program "Embarrassing Bodies" that some woman has been having coffee enemas for years.

Strange, I'd never heard before of these crapucinos.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Chelsea have already sacked their next manager to save on time.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please."

"OK, with whom though?"

"Whoever has a lot of money."

[BossMark]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.

"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it had levelled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[Jimbuna]

Even more unbelievable than the Arsenal game is the website I'm streaming it from.

I've already won 17 iphones.

[BossMark]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

[Jimbuna]

A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.

They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.

"Mr Wilson" says the man, "I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"

Smugly the bank manager replies, "In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks."

"Here's the deal." says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous."

Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.

"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?"

The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.

She smiles. "Then come in."

He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.

The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.

"What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.

"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume."

[BossMark]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a woman who lost her leg in an accident and sued the guy who did it to her?





Peggy sue.

[BossMark]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

I thought Gerald was back for a minute... ;)

[Jimbuna]

I thought Gerald was back for a minute... ;)

LOL :DL

Sky have just hired an Orangutan.

When its hairy hand is holding the mike and its grunting gibberish, it's a pretty effective replacement for Richard Keys.

Then every now and again it turns round bends over and shows its hairy backside at the camera, Bingo! You get Andy Gray in a two for one deal.

[Sailor Steve]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
That's actually pretty impressive in its truth. I hated it but I had no trouble reading it at all. :sunny:

[BossMark]

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it.

[BossMark]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day".

[Jimbuna]

Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

[Jimbuna]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade,killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brlliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[frau kaleun]

"Absolutely brlliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/54/Ngpph9yUOk3t8w7xhQz5WwfXo1_r1_500.jpg

[BossMark]

There was a blonde woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems.
So she got on her knees and prayed “Dear
God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or
I’ll loose my car, the house, and everything else.” She doesn’t
win. The next day she prays to God “God! I really really need
your help! I’ll loose my car, the house, and everything else.”
Once again, she doesn’t win. The next day she says the same
prayer; then God speaks to her ” Cindy! work with me here, BUY
A TICKET!!”

[Jimbuna]

The Italian special forces were actually involved in the attempted rescue of the hostages in Nigeria. They were in Sokoto when the first shot was fired, they were in a nuclear bunker a mile beneath Rome when the second one was fired.

[BossMark]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Jimbuna]

The innocent children of Africa, their childhoods stolen, ripped from the arms of their crying parents. Soon unable to defend themselves they must learn to shoot, whilst a baying mob of savages cheer them on. Most will never learn to read or write, there are no medals for these brave lost causes, no victory, no respite. We must make the world aware, we must not turn our back....


ARSENE WENGER 2012.

[BossMark]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

[Jimbuna]

Norwegian scientists have discovered that LSD can help alcoholics to give up drink.

I don't think I'd fancy a pint if I was being chased by a fire breathing, purple unicorn.

[steve_the_slim]

fire breathing, purple unicorn.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSTudk7D02JD5vHVoWs2pumnfKskE25l ltGn3AR7yo5iS4u_yctv7tY3hxQMA

She's usually purple. Apparently she turns white-hot when angered. Close enough.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Nooooo! Not another one fallen to the little horse thing! :nope:

[BossMark]

This beautiful blonde walks up to an officer and says, “Can you help me? I’ve locked my keys in my car.”

So the officer bends a coat hanger and feeds it through the window, moving it back and forth to catch the lock when suddenly, the other beautiful blonde sitting in the passenger seat says, “A little more to the left officer.”

[Jimbuna]

"Okay, that'll be 20p," said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo.

"What!?" I shouted. "But it says 10p on the wrapper?"

"Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually 20."

"Fine," I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash.

"Ummm, excuse me sir," the man slid the coin back across the counter. "You've handed me a ten pence piece."

"Yes, I know it says 10p on it but it is actually 20."

[BossMark]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

[Jimbuna]

A Blonde takes her car to a Garage after it was making noises.

She goes to pick it up later and a mechanic "All fixed, just crap in the air filter"

She says "Great, how often?"

[BossMark]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

[Jimbuna]

I was in the pub tonight, when I said, "Hey pal, I need a web designer, you're a web designer aren't you? Talk to me you ignorant bugga!"

Then the landlord came over and said, "Come on mate, time for you to go, you've had enough to drink."

"Have I heck" I replied.

He said, "I think you will find you have, you're talking to a spider."

[Jimbuna]

"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," my wife screamed at me. "I'm really disappointed."

"You can hardly blame me," I answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you."

"Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you were willing to pay for it."

[BossMark]

f Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!

[krashkart]

A couple of jokes that we learned from our third grade teacher years back:




What's green and red and spins around really fast?
A frog in a blender.


What's red and pink and howls a lot?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.


"Mommy! Mommy! I hate walking around in circles!"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"


"Mommy! Mommy! I hate swimming against the current!"
"Shut up or I'll flush it again!"


Ah memories. :DL

[Jimbuna]

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

[BossMark]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

[Herr-Berbunch]

@BossMark - http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=1841303&postcount=1531 - less than a month ago. :O:

My goodness, I'm getting like Steve* :damn:



*That is obviously a compliment but the headbanging was supposed to be a nodding head but for some reason I can't edit it. :roll: *walks off whistling before anybody notices*

[BossMark]

@BossMark - http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=1841303&postcount=1531 - less than a month ago. :O:

My goodness, I'm getting like Steve* :damn:



*That is obviously a compliment but the headbanging was supposed to be a nodding head but for some reason I can't edit it. :roll: *walks off whistling before anybody notices*
Think I must have posted the earlier one while under the influence :yep:

[Sailor Steve]

What's green and red and spins around really fast?
A frog in a blender.

What's red and pink and howls a lot?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.
What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.

What's black and white and has fuzz inside?
A police car.

How do you drive an idiot crazy with frustration?









:O:

[Sailor Steve]

*That is obviously a compliment but the headbanging was supposed to be a nodding head but for some reason I can't edit it. :roll: *walks off whistling before anybody notices*
I think the truth is that the headbanging is the correct answer. :yep:

[Herr-Berbunch]

I think the truth is that the headbanging is the correct answer. :yep:

All done with the best of humourous intention. :up:

Looking at it, the only difference between nodding and headbanging is the point of view.

[Sailor Steve]

All done with the best of humourous intention. :up:
There are many of us here with the same (or at least similar) sense of humor. :rock:

I'm always amused by the ocassional one who is downright nasty, and then claims the guy he's nasty to has no sense of humor. Fortunately they post but rarely.

[Jimbuna]

My daughter's school teacher rang me today.

"Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?" he said.

"I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied. "So she won't be back for a while."

"Sorry to hear that," he sighed. "How's she getting on?"

"Very well," I replied. "She's on her 3rd lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner."

[BossMark]

Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Patrick. 'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Patrick.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down.

[Jimbuna]

I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.

"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

"No" I replied, "He was delivering my pizza."

[BossMark]

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here."

[BossMark]

The Redneck goes for his yearly medical check up and the doctor says, "Burnell, I'm going to need a blood, urine, semen and faeces sample."
Burnell says, "Sure Doc, how about I just give you my underpants."

[Jimbuna]

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

[BossMark]

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now…”

[Jimbuna]

Muamba's going to think he has been in a 10 year coma when he wakes up to hear Torres has scored.

[Jimbuna]

Liverpool have finally taken home a trophy after six years: The Carling cup.

That's a bit like being single for six years and then bringing home Susan Boyle.

[BossMark]

Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.”
Customer: “Is that GMT time?”

[Herr-Berbunch]

Surely that'd just be GMT? :hmmm:

I could also mention here SAM missiles and Anti-Aircraft AAA. :roll:

[Jimbuna]

My wife says I'm too obsessed with Stevie Wonder and is going to use all of her savings to send me to a top-notch psychiatrist.

Isn't She Lovely.

[BossMark]

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

[Jimbuna]

'Tulisa Granted Gagging Order Over Alleged Sex Tape'

Didn't she do enough gagging when she made it??

[BossMark]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mum, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mum, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[Jimbuna]

I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support it's given me over the years.

[BossMark]

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.

Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:

"Your house."

[Jimbuna]

An English, Irish and Scottish man were arguing on the hospital ward who was the most careless.

The English guy said, "I'm the most careless, this morning I ramped a pavement and went head on into a wall, totally writing my car off, and now I have to wear this neck brace."

"Wow that is careless." Said the Scottish man, "Not as careless as me though. This morning I drove straight through a red light and into the side of a van. My car is a write off and I've fractured my shoulder."

"That is careless." Said the Irish man, "Not as careless as me though. This morning I took a corner too fast, spiraled out of control, went straight into a lamppost and broke both of my legs."

"That is careless." Said the English man, "But what happened to your car?"
"What car?" Replied the Irish man, "I was walking."

[BossMark]

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake.”

[Jimbuna]

Saw an advert in the paper which read "Wife Wanted" it had received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine".

[BossMark]

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he’d lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well…tell me!” he demanded.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife’s body this morning in San Francisco Bay.”

“OH MY GOD!,” said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her.”

“Huh?” he said, not understanding. “So, what’s the great news?”

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

[Jimbuna]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[BossMark]

Wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night and told him, "Dear, there seems to be a burglar in the house. Wake up."
But her husband refused to go out and investigate.
Wife: "Why are you scared? I thought you were brave when you married me"
Husband: "Well yes, that's what my friends said too."

[Jimbuna]

Tesco has announced 20,000 new jobs are to be created in the UK.

Poland's Prime Minister has welcomed the news.

[BossMark]

I was driving home the other night and stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. As we
travelled along, my passenger noticed a brown paper bag on the back seat. "What
do you have in that bag" asked the man. "It's a fine bottle of wine for my wife".
He replied "Excellent swap".

[Jimbuna]

I was cleaning my house today. I always find it strange what
things you find that you forgot you even had.

Like my kids.

[BossMark]

My wife has never really thought much of me. Only the other night she turned to
me and said "Mark, do you know that you are stopping some small village
having an idiot".

[Jimbuna]

BBC news: "Australia deports British rapist"

and that ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of irony.

[BossMark]

My wife greeted me as I entered the house. I had been drinking so there was the
smell of lager on my breath and unknown to me, also some lipstick on my shirt
collar. "I hope that you have an extremely good reason for rolling in at seven in
the morning" she bellowed. "Of course I do "I replied "I want some breakfast".

[Jimbuna]

A tennis ball walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Have you been served?"

[BossMark]

My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day. After about ten
minutes, she turned to me and uttered " But darling, if I were to agree with what
you say, then we would both be in the wrong".

[Jimbuna]

I was playing with my floppy earlier when the wife walked in! " Jesus, I've haven't seen anything like that in years." - "It's probably because the majority of people now use USB sticks love!"

[tonyrevel]

I was having a pee in my local swimming pool when the attendant blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in !!

[tonyrevel]

I'm so bad at chess that the only time I ever got to say "check mate", was in a restaurant in Australia.

[tonyrevel]

A German tried to attack me with a cooked sausage yesterday
so I said to him 'do your Wurst'.

[tonyrevel]

My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.

[tonyrevel]

I am going to have a creosote bath tonight.I am going to treat myself !

[tonyrevel]

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours,
they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

[tonyrevel]

Just got back from my mate's funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

[tonyrevel]

Virgin Broadband

The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.

[tonyrevel]

I'll never forget my wife walking down the aisle she looked beautiful as she said the words I'd waited to hear,

"there's a 3 for 2 on Stella"

[tonyrevel]

Took the wife to the doctors this morning because she had a golf ball stuck up her bum.`**** me` said the doctor `That`s up a fairway!`

[tonyrevel]

A parson goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The parson explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

[tonyrevel]

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill. They were goodyears...

[tonyrevel]

A spider just walked under my keyboard. But don't worry, it's under Ctrl.

[tonyrevel]

Just got a birthday card full of Rice! I think it was from Uncle ben.

[BossMark]

Little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat
"How did you know it was dead" asks teacher.
"Because I pissed in its hear and it didn't move" says the boy.
"You did what?" shrieks teacher.
"You know" explains the boy "I leant over and went Pssst and it didn't move"!

[Jimbuna]

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try you lazy bugga. The lawnmower's in the shed."

[BossMark]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[Jimbuna]

Since last week, times really have changed.

[BossMark]

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[Jimbuna]

At my daughter's school parent's evening her English teacher pulled out an essay titled, 'What I did last weekend', handed it to me and said, "Mr Roberts, did you write this for your daughter?"

"No, of course not", I replied, trying not to look too guilty. "Whatever makes you say that?"

"I'm just a bit puzzled as to why an eight year old girl would spend three days drinking with the lads on a stag weekend in Amsterdam".

[BossMark]

Bill and Alice were celebrating 60 years of marriage. When Bill was asked by a friend for the secret of their long marriage he replied " We have always taken the time to go to a lovely restaurant twice a week. Good food, a little candlelight, fine wine, soft music and some dancing. " "Thats wonderful" said the friend.
Bill retorted "Yes, I go Wednesday's and she goes Friday's"

[Jimbuna]

So the new Titanic 3D is out...

Maybe they'll see the iceberg this time.

[BossMark]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the pub last night and there was a fat bird dancing on a table ...

I walked past and said "amazing legs"

She giggled and said "do you really think so"?

"Absolutely" I replied. " most tables would have collapsed by now!"

[BossMark]

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.

That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently the fire brigade could be going on strike in 2 weeks time.

David Cameron has advised the public to set fire to their homes tonight as a precaution.

[BossMark]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mummy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mum responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mummy said.
A few days later the mum told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Jimbuna]

"I'm not going paranoid am I?" I said to my mate "That bloke over there is staring at me"

"You're right mate" he whispered "I'd kick off if I were you."

The staring continued for a little while longer, and then he began walking towards me. I could hear all my mates behind me, urging me to kick off. "This is it", I thought, clenching my fist.

That's when he booked me for time wasting.

[Aviv]

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

[BossMark]

Boy: Mum, why do women wear white dress during the marriage?
Mum: Because its the happiest and best day in their life.
Boy: Then why do men wear black dress?

[Jimbuna]

Earlier today, Prime Minister David Cameron warned Fernando Torres that he foresees an extreme shortage of goals. Therefore Torres has responded by panic-scoring just in case.

[THE_MASK]

A cat was giving birth to her kittens on the footpath .

A policeman walked over and said
sorry no littering here .

[BossMark]

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences...

She failed to worship me.

[Sailor Steve]

Boy: Mum, why do women wear white dress during the marriage?
Mum: Because its the happiest and best day in their life.
Boy: Then why do men wear black dress?
Q) Why does the bride wear white?
A) You want your dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

[Jimbuna]

April Fools' Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

[Aviv]

The pope was making a visit and he met a long stretch of highway. He asked his driver if he could take the driving wheel for a bit, since he never got to drive any more. The driver sat in the back, and the pope took the wheel. He took the limousine up to 150kph, to see how fast it could go.

Pretty soon he saw blue lights in the mirror so he pulled over. The officer came up to the window, saw who it was and quickly radioed to dispatch. "I just pulled someone over very important, do I have to give him a ticket?" The dispatch replied "well who is it, the city mayor?"
"No."
"The president?"
"No."
"The Queen of England?"
"No."
"Well who is it then?"
The officer replied "I have no idea, but his driver is the Pope!"

[Jimbuna]

I've woken up this morning with a bleeding mouth and gums, lacerations and a severely punctured cheek.


Someone must've spiked my drink.

[BossMark]

A woman went into a bank in London wishing to loan £3,000 for one month.
The loan officer said that he would require collateral.
The woman says "I have a Ferrari; here are a set of keys.Keep it until I repay the
loan". The loan is authorised and the Ferrari driven away for safe keeping.
The woman returns one month weeks later, pays the £3,000 loan together with
£20 interest and the car is returned to her.
Clearly puzzled, the loan officer says to her "With respect, madam, I don't
understand why someone like you who owns a Ferrari would need to borrow
£3,000". "Well" she replied "I needed to go to the United States for 4 weeks and tell me, where in London can you store a Ferrari for £20 a month?".

[Jimbuna]

Managed to get rid of my mean boss yesterday after he had a heart attack in the office.

If only he'd allowed personal calls on company time, I'd have phoned him an ambulance.

[BossMark]

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mum! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken hearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[Jimbuna]

My son ran into the house, ''Guess what dad, I grabbed my first boob today?''

I replied ''Is that why you've got a black eye?''

''Yeah!'' He replied, ''Apparently big Tommy is a bit touchy about his weight.''

[BossMark]

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!

The host walked over to the man and said, "All right, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in."

[Jimbuna]

I was telling my mate about this date I had with an attractive young woman.

"She uses too many four-letter words for me," I said.

"Really?" he asked

"Yeah. All night long all she kept saying was "Don't" and "Stop" and "Quit that."

[BossMark]

Murphy: Here's the hundred Euros that I borrowed from you last month.
Paddy: Thanks Murphy!, I forgot about it till this moment.
Murphy: Why the hell didn't you say so?!

[Jimbuna]

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

[BossMark]

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance.

[Kapitän Schneider]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[BossMark]

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!

[Jimbuna]

My wife was horrified when the cops called to our house today.

It meant she was going to have to share those donuts after making them a cup of tea.

[Jimbuna]

One winter morning a husband and wife in Northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, " We're going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were having breakfast again, the radio announcer said
"We're expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We're expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today and ------" Just then the electricity went off.

The wife had a worried look on her face when she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through".

With love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[BossMark]

A man was walking at mid-night on the road adjacent to the graveyard. It was very dark. He was looking left and right and one could say that he was very nervous. He saw another man walking a little ahead of him and increased his pace so that he could catch up with him for company till he crosses the graveyard.

He said to him, "It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here."

The other man replied, "I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven't seen one yet."

[Kapitän Schneider]

I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked past and said "Amazing legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

[BossMark]

A con’s wife goes to the jail and tells the warden:
Sir, please offer my husband an easier job in jail, he didn’t kill nobody!
Miss, he’s only washing the dishes, why is that so hard?
The idiot told me he has to dig a tunnel!

[Sailor Steve]

I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked past and said "Amazing legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
You might want to actually read some of the other posts before you copy and paste.


Went to the pub last night and there was a fat bird dancing on a table ...

I walked past and said "amazing legs"

She giggled and said "do you really think so"?

"Absolutely" I replied. " most tables would have collapsed by now!"

[BossMark]

A kid was crying sitting outside his house. A passer by asked:
Why are you crying?
Kid: My parents are fighting inside the house.
Passer By: Who is your dad?
Kid: That is what the fight is about.

[Kapitän Schneider]

You might want to actually read some of the other posts before you copy and paste.

Don't complain, just be grateful for the contribution. Even if it has been posted. :O:

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Spaniard are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Spaniard. "They must be Spanish."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

No clothes, no shelter," the Brit points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are British."

[BossMark]

Not sure whether this as been posted or not (without looking through all the thread :yawn: and it is nearly pub time :yep: :D)

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgement!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Oh bugger! THAT'S the word!”

[Jimbuna]

I went to a man's house to buy a car.

I said, "Everything seems fine. Mind if I take it for a spin round the block?"

"No problem," he replied.

He laid a brick on the floor, and I screamed, "NEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW" as I drove round it.

"It's perfect. I'll take it," I said, handing over twenty quid.

I probably paid over the odds, but there were only 50 of those Lego cars ever made.

[BossMark]

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

[Jimbuna]

They no longer accept plactic down at the local shop.

That means I'll need to use a real gun now.

[BossMark]

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I
asked them again.

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for,
“Then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

[Jimbuna]

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

[BossMark]

Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."

'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a funny reptile?

A stand up Chameleon.

[BossMark]

A woman is talking to an operator at the exchange and says " I have been trying to ring 0800 1930 for several days now and cannot get through".
The operator asks "Where did you obtain this number?". "It was on the front door of the Travel Agency". "Ah" said the operator " I think that you will find that that is their opening hours".

[Jimbuna]

"What would you like?" says the barman.

"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."

"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"

"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"

"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.

"A boy or a girl, I don't care."

"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."

"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"

"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."

[BossMark]

My girlfriend is not very bright. Last summer we were flying home from Ibiza when
the pilot announced that one of the engines had packed up but not to panic as the
remaining three were fine. The only problem was that it would increase our flying
time by twenty minutes. A little later, the pilot announces that a second engine has now packed up but the remaining two are fine but now our flying time has been extended by 40 minutes. My girlfriend turned to me and said "I hope the remaining two engines don’t pack up otherwise we will be stuck up here all day"

[Jimbuna]

My mates and I were teasing the bartender at our local pub for some time until he suddenly became friendly and asked me about my childhood.
"Did you ever blow bubbles as a child?"
I thought we'd had enough fun and decided that a change of topic would be nice, so I replied "Sure, all the time."
"Well," said the bartender "he's in town and wants your new number."