The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I nearly got hit by a woman driving a car this morning, but luckily I jumped out of the way just in time.

Into the road.

[BossMark]

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!” replied the wife

[Sailor Steve]

I nearly got hit by a woman driving a car this morning, but luckily I jumped out of the way just in time.

Into the road.
Reminds me of the old bumper sticker: "If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!"

[Growler]

Recently, scientists have determined why there are so few pictures of dead penguins.

Turns out, the communal nature of the creatures has allowed the development of a "burial ritual." Observed behavior shows that, upon discovery of a dead penguin, the others will gather around it and, using their feet, kick a pit into the ice big enough to bury the dead penguin. Analysis of the birds' cries indicated a communal song, something like, "Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..." By the time they're done, the pit's big enough, and they kick him in the ice hole.

[Jimbuna]

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably a woman driving a car.

[BossMark]

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Jimbuna]

I'm moving house this morning so I've just nipped to Tesco...

I'm glad I did 'cause the cashier politely asked if I'd like help with my packing.

[Sailor Steve]

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Of course you know that is one of the oldest urban myths around. Not an actual transcript at all. When I first heard it in 1970 it was the Iowa.

And it gets worse, actually going back at least as far as 1939.
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

[Jimbuna]

My impression of a stage lighting technician is spot on.

[TarJak]

Stealing laptops from Best Buy is no joke:
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t211/JG53_Valantine/image001.jpg

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a fat bird with a rape alarm?

Optimistic

[Sailor Steve]

bird
It took me a minute to remember you're English. I kept thinking "fat bird"?

Then I finally got it. :D

[Jimbuna]

It took me a minute to remember you're English. I kept thinking "fat bird"?

Then I finally got it. :D

:03:

9 months before I was born, I went to a party with Dad and left with Mum.

[BossMark]

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gen McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

[Sailor Steve]

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=1713428&postcount=268 :O:

[Jimbuna]

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my 'old man' and said, "Yours or mine?"

I said, "That's mine."

[Lord_magerius]

Stop stealing jokes from my facebook page Jim :O:

I spotted my wife on the roof of the local supermarket earlier, with a large crowd below looking up at her.
"Please babe, don't jump!" I pleaded.
"I've had enough," she cried. "I'm gonna kill myself."
"No you're not," I snapped. "Now get down and we'll go and find a higher roof."

[nikimcbee]

Donovan Mcnabb:shifty::dead:

[Jimbuna]

I've become addicted to dressing like a monk.

I've just got into the habit.

[Growler]

Donovan Mcnabb:shifty::dead:

Now that's funny!

[Sailor Steve]

A very old favorite.

In Heaven: The police are all British, the mechanics are all German, the lovers are all French, the chefs are all Italian and everything's run by the Swiss.

In Hell: The police are all German, the mechanics are all French, the lovers are all Swiss, the chefs are all British and everything's run by the Italians.

[nikimcbee]

Now that's funny!

bah, humbug. No soup for you.:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some bugga had stuffed my pillow with onions.

[BossMark]

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sir!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sir!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sir!"

[Jimbuna]

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

[BossMark]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[Jimbuna]

My dad wished me good luck in my maths exam.

"I'm good at maths" I replied, "I'm 1/2 english and 3/4 chinese."

[Jimbuna]

My English language tutor has failed me for making too many mistakes.

I'm thinking about wedging a complaint.

[BossMark]

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

[Jimbuna]

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.

[BossMark]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[Alex]

Is she Dutch ? :haha: (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=187843)

[Jimbuna]

I got a call from my son's school today apparently he'd been stealing.

I said "Son in life there must always be a give and a take."

He said "But dad there was a give and take. I gave him a black eye and took his money!"

[BossMark]

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

[Jimbuna]

My dad sat me down, brought the laptop in and said, "Son, I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."

"What about it?" I replied.

"How the hell can I get past the filters without your mum knowing?"

[BossMark]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW PS3...I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD player..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a slimming club.

If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.

[Lord_magerius]

My mate said, "How did you get that black eye?"
I said, "A bloke punched me at the swimming pool because I splashed him"
He said, "That's a bit of an over-reaction isn't it?"
I said, "Not really, we were both stood at the urinal at the time"

[Jimbuna]

My friend was killed in a car accident because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

He drove through a red light and was hit by a train.

[BossMark]

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage & no bike."

[Jimbuna]

"40 per cent of men over 40 suffer from erectile dysfunction."

I don't think it's the mens fault, I mean, have you seen what women over 40 look like?

[BossMark]

he teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie'flower!"

[Jimbuna]

I pulled up beside a prostitute earlier.

"Jump in," I winked.

"I charge £100!" She smiled, slamming the door behind her.

"Not tonight," I replied. "The child locks are on."

[BossMark]

Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?

A: Outlaws are wanted

[Jimbuna]

My wife said to me " did you here those guys wolf whistling at me?"
I replied " that's not a wolf whistle love it's a doggy howl"

[BossMark]

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother....who's only 9 years old...

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things started to heat up. The guy remembered that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!" she screams. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts up,"Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

[Sailor Steve]

No offense, but I think that one crosses the line for propriety here.

[Jimbuna]

I burst through the door with a bottle of wine last night.

"Fancy a tipple babe?" I asked my wife.

"I'm not drinking that," she cried. "My mother's died."

"I'm sorry, you're right!" I replied. "I think we've got champagne in the cupboard."

[BossMark]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the wind shield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the wind shield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

[Jimbuna]

The former president of Cuba has sold one of largest crude oil reserves in the world to a major company. As a thank you for this he will now have international recognition.

From now on he will be known as Fidel Castrol.

[breadcatcher101]

A pretty lady was trying to learn the game of golf one day and wasn't making much progress although everyone tried to help by offering her tips.

Halfway through the front nine she spots the grounds keeper and flags him down.

He asks her how she is doing and she says, "Just awful! And to make it worse a bee just stung me!"

"Really?" asks the concerned grounds keeper. "Where at?"

"Between the first and second hole." she replied.

"Ahhh", the keeper says. "I think I know what your problem is now. You're stance is too wide."

[Jimbuna]

A Chinese man has died in a river in Beijing.

Police say that he may have been saved if the first 5 people to see him hadn't thought they were looking at their reflection.

[BossMark]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Jimbuna]

Took the wife to the pub yesterday.
I got called horrible names...'paedo', 'perv' and much worse. Just because she's 21 and I'm 50.

Ruined our 10th anniversary.

[Platapus]

You know what is the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds?

There are 20 of them! :D

[Jimbuna]

My mum puts the cat out in the garden when it brings dead birds home.

But when I do it she phones the police.

[BossMark]

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

[Jimbuna]

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.

[frau kaleun]

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.

*spit take*

:haha:

[Herr-Berbunch]

Posted by a friend, thought you would all enjoy:

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:-Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm;- Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,I Want It Now,Someone Else Is To Blame,I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on."

[Jimbuna]

Man goes to Marks and Spencers to buy his wife a maternity bra.... Shop assistant ask`s "What bust?".

Man says "The condom"!

[BossMark]

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[breadcatcher101]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of
their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."

[Jimbuna]

I came home to find my wife sobbing. "What's up?" I asked her.

"I just started worrying that when I get older you'll stop loving me." she replied.

"That's just silly. What the heck made you think I love you now?"

[TarJak]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to
determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who
inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her
last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto
the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to
the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken
by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super
human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw
it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to
me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I
saw a huge cedar chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the
way but failed and was hit and killed by a cedar chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next
room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest....."

[BossMark]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Crap! THAT'S the word!”

[Jimbuna]

My teenage daughter came home in a rage. "I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

[BossMark]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[Jimbuna]

An Irish policeman arrested a criminal and was just about to put on the handcuffs when his helmet blew off down the road. The criminal said, "Shall I go and fetch it for you?"

"Do you think I'm stupid?" said the policeman. "You wait here and I'll go and get it."

[BossMark]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[CaptainMattJ.]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Jimbuna]

A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.

"Hello," said the man, "would you like to buy a book titled 500 excuses to give your wife for staying out late?"

"Why on earth would I buy a book like that?" asked the woman.

"Because," replied the salesman, "I sold a copy to your husband this morning."

[BossMark]

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."

[Jimbuna]

Just won the World Mute Championships.
I have no words to describe it.

[BossMark]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Jimbuna]

I bought a security system from a Chinese man who came into the bar last night.

But it always seems to go off at the wrong time.

It's a false alarm.

[BossMark]

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"

"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."

[Jimbuna]

Today I got the wife one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents.

A bus pass.

[BossMark]

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

[Jimbuna]

I've just texted my wife:

'Just booked us a 5 day Mediterranean cruise. We go in 6 weeks time xxx'

She texted back:

'Nice! But I wish it could be twice as long xxx'

So I just phoned the travel agents and changed it, now we're going in 12 weeks instead.

[PapaKilo]

http://img694.imageshack.us/img694/3163/31761321046488516221107.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/694/31761321046488516221107.jpg/)

Medvedev: Vitia, our countrys looks the same as two bottles of mineral water.

Yanukovich: Oh yeah

Medvedev: Only one of them without gas :har:

[Jimbuna]

I forgot my golf shoes yesterday and had to play in my socks.

I got a hole in one.

[BossMark]

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese neighbours kid ran in today shouting, "Quick! prease come, mums tripped and she's breeding!"

"Don't worry kid!" I said, "This is England, there's no restriction on the number of children she can have here.

[BossMark]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[Jimbuna]

I was serving this smug bugga in a suit in Burger King when he asked, "So, do you enjoy your job then?"

"Yeah, it's ok," I replied.

He said, "I'm designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place."

"Good luck teaching it how to spit," I said, handing over his burger.

[BossMark]

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

[Jimbuna]

My wife's been out in the sun all day working the fields and now she's got the nerve to complain because she's peeling.

"Complain all you want." I said, "Just hurry up and get those spuds finished, I'm starving!"

[Sailor Steve]

This just in: RETIRED POLICE OFFICER FOUND MURDERED.

Wife claims years of ongoing abuse.

[Jimbuna]

A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyser test. The man blows a 0.0.

"This thing must be broken," the cop says.

The man responds, "Nope, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

[nikimcbee]

Indian cricket.:haha:

[BossMark]

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

[Jimbuna]

I heard on the news that 500 people have been infected with rabies in Peru after being bitten by a vampire bat.

That's strange, I could have sworn the mother in law said she was going to Spain.

[BossMark]

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

[Jimbuna]

My wife put my dinner on my lap last night.

She said, "Would you like anything else?"

I said, "Yes please, a plate and a tea-towel!"

[BossMark]

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.

"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.

"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.

"He is not! He is not!" Yelled Little Johnny.

"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued.

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once

[Jimbuna]

Wimpy's.

Have to be a complete cry-baby to work there.

[Sailor Steve]

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
Of course there's what happens in Hollywood:

Johnny: My father is better than your father!

Billy: What? Your father IS my father!

[Jimbuna]

Of course there's what happens in Hollywood:

Johnny: My father is better than your father!

Billy: What? Your father IS my father!

The classic response :DL

[Sailor Steve]

Johnny: My dad can beat up your dad!

Billy: My dad's a lawyer. We'll see who wins that one.

[GoldenRivet]

Its Monday morning and an old man is sitting on his front porch rocking in his chair when a young man goes walking by dragging a cooler full of gatorade behind him.

"Where you going with all that gatorade?!" says the old man

the boy says "Im goin gator hunting."

Old man says "You cant hunt gators with gatorade."

about an hour later the kid comes walking back by the house dragging a cooler full of dead gators.

"Well I'll be." says the old man

Tuesday morning the kid goes walking by carrying a huge roll of duck tape brand duct tape.

the old man says "where you going with that duck tape?"

the kid says "im going duck hunting!!!"

"Kid you cant catch ducks with tape!" says the old timer

about an hour later the kid comes walking past with two long strands of duck tape rolled out behind him with 20 ducks stuck to each roll.

"Well I'll be." says the old man

Wednesday morning comes along and the kid goes walking by with a big roll of chicken wire.

"Where you goin with that chicken wire?!" says the old man

"Im goin to catch some chickens for mamma to fry up tonight."

"come on kid give me a break... you cant catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man

about an hour later the kid comes back with 10 chickens tangled up in the chicken wire.

"Well I'll be." says the old man

Thursday morning, the old man is sitting on his rocking chair and the kid comes walking by yet again.

this time he is dragging a huge pussywillow bush behind him.


the old man stands up and hurries down the steps...

"Hey kid wait up... I'm going hunting with you today."

[BossMark]

An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for sex"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

[Lord_magerius]

Today I got the missus one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents.

A bus pass.

[Jimbuna]

Today I got the missus one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents.

A bus pass.

#578 :03:

A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck.

A Camel's toe is considered really good luck.

[Sailor Steve]

A rabbit's foot is considered good luck.

Did anyone tell the rabbit?

[Jimbuna]

I get all the best women at swingers parties.

That Ferrari keyring was the best £1.50 I've ever spent.

[BossMark]

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.

"Well Mum," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mum, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

[frau kaleun]

A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant a question.
"Do you have the new book out for men with tiny manhoods? I tried to look it up but I can't remember the title."
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one, I'll take a copy."

[BossMark]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said to me"we have been married 20 years and look it still fits me."

I said "Bugga off it's a scarf."

[BossMark]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

[Ducimus]

A couple old jokes i've known since high school:

Q.) How do you kill a Marine who throws a grenade at you?
A.) Pull the pin out and throw it back.

Q.) How do you kill a battalion of Marines?
A.) Glue sand on a wall, and tell them to storm the beach.

Each branch of the service calls a helicopter by a different name.
A Saloir see's a helicopter, and says, "oh look, whirlybird".
A Soldier see's a helicopter, and says, "Oh look, chopper!"
An Airman see's a helicopter, and says, "Oh look, Rotary Winged Aircraft!"
A Marine see's a helicopter, he points up and says, "Ugghh! Uggghh!"

[Jimbuna]

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

[Ducimus]

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

:har:

[Platapus]

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

Perhaps the bait is a bit too old? :D

[frau kaleun]

Perhaps the bait is a bit too old? :D

Could be the worm is just too small. :O:

[Platapus]

Could be the worm is just too small. :O:

Hey!

Remember, it takes a Gerkin to get things workin :D

[frau kaleun]

Hey!

Remember, it takes a Gerkin to get things workin :D

I hate to put you in a pickle, but something about that just doesn't seem kosher.

[Lord_magerius]

I've got enough Steve Jobs jokes to fill a page, but I don't think I should right now. :O:

One in three people suffer from Paranoia.
The other two are watching him....

[BossMark]

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

[Jimbuna]

Perhaps the bait is a bit too old? :D

I resemble that remark!! :stare:

[Jimbuna]

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

[BossMark]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one. "

[Jimbuna]

6th Oct 1854. The Great Fire of Leeds. A wasted, ruined city, its people desperate and miserable.

And then they had a fire.

[BossMark]

Like the way way you've changed the Newcastle bit to Leeds :hmmm:

[BossMark]

A man lived after a shark attack in Cape Town. A huge factor in his survival was that they didn't take him to hospital by taxi.

[Jimbuna]

Like the way way you've changed the Newcastle bit to Leeds :hmmm:

LOL :DL

[Jimbuna]

A hearse is going along with fishing rods and fishing equipment on the roof.
A passer-by stops one of the mourners and says "I guess he liked fishing when he was alive then".
The mourner replies "He still does, he is going fishing when they have buried his wife !!"

[BossMark]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's

Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."

[Sailor Steve]

Like the way way you've changed the Newcastle bit to Leeds :hmmm:
Could also work here with Chicago. They had a huge fire too.

[BossMark]

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me."

So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!"

[BossMark]

there once was this doctor a lawyer a priest and a little boy and they were all in an air-plane. then all of a sudden the pilot announces that the plane has engine trouble so the pilot takes off with a parachute.so then there was only 3 parachutes left. the doctor says I save life's I have to live so he takes his parachute then the lawyer says we are the smartest people in the world i must live so he goes. the the priest tells the little boy here son you take i am old and you have a life ahead of you so you take the parachute and the little boy said no its OK because the smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.

[Sailor Steve]

:rock:

I first heard that one way back in the '70s. Then it was president Gerald Ford, vice-president Nelson Rockerfeller, Henry Kissinger (the smartest man in da vorld), Billy Graham and of course the young man with the backpack, who in that version was a friend of the president's son.

What goes around comes around. Still a great joke, and thanks for sharing. :sunny:

[Jimbuna]

As my wife and I walked around Amsterdam's Red Light district I looked at the prostitutes sitting there.

"There's a job for you," I said.

"What, do you think I could make good money on the game?" she asked.

"Hell no! The windows need cleaning."

[BossMark]

The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flash light for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!

[Jimbuna]

Wouldnt it be ironic if David Villa played for Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia played for Valencia and Danny ****tu played for Leeds.

[BossMark]

Wouldnt it be ironic if David Villa played for Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia played for Valencia and Danny ****tu played for Leeds.
Hahahaha bloody hilarious :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

What's the best thing about Leeds?

LSD and 2 E's

:O:

[BossMark]

Newcastle united"s trophy room has been broken into and contents stolen.Police are currently looking for a man in possession of a black and white carpet.

[BossMark]

A rich tycoon decided to buy each of his 3 sons something for Christmas, so he asked them each what they wanted"I want a train set" said the first son, so he bought him British Rail" "I want model aeroplanes" said the second son, so he bought him British Airways"I want a mickey mouse outfit" said the third son, so he bought him Newcastle Utd

[Jimbuna]

The Robbie Keane Curse:

He left Wolves; they got relegated.
He left Coventry City; they got relegated.
He left Leeds United; they got relegated (twice).
He left Spurs; bottom of the table with 2 points from 8 games.

I can't wait until Leeds re-sign him.

[BossMark]

I see that Newcastle United are changing the name of their ground from St James" Park to Sid James" Park after this latest carry-on.

[Jimbuna]

4th and unbeaten in the Premiership compared to 11th and three defeats in the Championship sounds like a right 'carry-on'....but on whom? :DL

I doubt we'll be meeting in a league game for quite some time :03:

[BossMark]

My mate has just called to ask if I want any tickets to watch a couple of comedy acts on 26th November.I asked, “Who"s appearing?”He said, “Newcastle and Man Utd.”

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a Leeds fan in a 2 bedroomed Semi?

A: A burglar

[BossMark]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to chose who should have custody of him. Custody was yesterday granted to Newcastle United Football Club as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone."

[Jimbuna]

Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing?

A: It's five past three.

[BossMark]

Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing?

A: It's five past three.
Hey come Jim its at least 2 minutes past ;)

[BossMark]

Try saying "halal meat" without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone.

[Jimbuna]

Elland Road Boss Peter Risdale has sacked David Leary and employed a new Chinese manager.

His name: Win One Soon :DL

[BossMark]

Rumours that Alan Shearer has refused the Newcastle job due to a personality clash with ex team-mates have been proved unfounded."Its a complete fabrication," said his spokesman. "Everyone knows Alan hasn"t got one."

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you say to a Leeds United fan with a job?

A: Can I have a Big Mac please!

[Herr-Berbunch]

As funny as this is, can you two both arrange to meet up half-way (Catterick - I've checked 50ish miles each) and get a room! :doh:

[Jimbuna]

As funny as this is, can you two both arrange to meet up half-way (Catterick - I've checked 50ish miles each) and get a room! :doh:

No problem if your footing the bill for the room plus the drink and his medaical fees shortly thereafter :DL

[BossMark]

No problem if your footing the bill for the room plus the drink and his medaical fees shortly thereafter :DL
I wouldn't be needing any medical fees paying, well apart from a couple of paracetamol for me hangover :D

[Jimbuna]

I wouldn't be needing any medical fees paying, well apart from a couple of paracetamol for me hangover :D

Dream on Padewan :DL

[Herr-Berbunch]

Dream on Padewan :DL

Why, what have you got lined up? :hmmm: :arrgh!: ;)








:nope:

[Lord_magerius]

A Newcastle fan arrives at a football match midway through the second half.
"What's the score?" he asks his friend as he settles into his seat.
"Nil-nil," comes the reply.
"And what was the score at half-time?" he asks.

----

Two Leeds fans are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it and says, "Hey I know that bloke." The second one picks it up and says, "Of course you do, you thick git - its me!"



That settles that :O:

[BossMark]

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

[Jimbuna]

As I undid my wife from behind I whispered in her ear, "I've got a surprise for you"

"Ohh, What is it?"

"Here, a new apron, throw that old one in the bin"

[BossMark]

What"s the difference between a hedgehog and a bus full of man united supporters?The hedgehog"s got the pricks on the outside.

[Jimbuna]

Im so glad I dont have one of them basic mobile phones, you know the type...
Only makes calls.....no texts or social media....
or Blackberry as they more commonly known as

[Sailor Steve]

All I wanted was a simple calls-only phone, but...





Wow, man - deja vu! :doh:

[BossMark]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn"t buy them a bigger bed and they weren"t strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn"t want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don"t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.""Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, anywhere in Scotland and most blondes

[Jimbuna]

I walked in after taking the dog for a walk through the park last night.

"Are you crying?" My wife frowned.

"I just want a bit of sex," I replied.

"Well, why don't you just take advantage?" she winked.

"I did," I replied. "And she had pepper spray in her bag."

[BossMark]

What does an Essex girl say after her eleventh orgasm?
"So, do you all play for the same team?"

[Jimbuna]

Rumours are That Spanish FA have approached Lords Cricket Ground to borrow their score board for tonight's game of Spain v Scotland.

[BossMark]

I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.He said, "Where do you think you"re going in that state?"I replied, "I"m going to a lecture."He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?""My wife," I said.

[JU_88]

Try saying "halal meat" without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone.
:rotfl2::rotfl2:
Reminds me of trying to say "beer can" without sounding like a Jamacian pronouncing "Bacon"

[Hottentot]

More a practical joke than a traditional one, but surprisingly easy to pull off, provided that you know a suitable victim.

Me: "Hey, did you know I can tell the future?"
Victim: "No you can't."
Me: "Sure I can. I can prove it by telling your future, for example."
Victim: "OK, prove it."
Me: "Let's see [looking all mystical] you will shout soon."
Victim: "No I won't"
Me: "[Confident smile] Yes you will."
Victim: "No I won't!"
Me: "Oh, but you will."
Victim: "[Shouting angrily] No I won't!!!"

Oldest trick in the book, yet people keep falling for it.

[Jimbuna]

My wife borrowed the car last week to go shopping and as she returned to the car, saw a young man driving off in our car. The policeman asked her if she could describe the young man.

"Not really" came the reply. " But I did manage to get the licence plate."

[BossMark]

My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?" I thought about it for a while and then replied, "That"s not a crossroads, you silly cow, that"s a T-Junction"

[Jimbuna]

Three regulars are sat in a pub when a barman asks "You three are in all the time, how do you get persmission of your wifes?!"
The first man replies "I wash the pots and dishes 4 times a week"
The second man replies "I iron and have to pick the kids up from school 5 times a week"
Then the third man replies "Well with me its quite simple... My wife knows the only chance she has of getting laid is after a night in the boozer.

[BossMark]

I saw a sign in McDonald"s today, it said "we do not accept £50 notes".bugger me, if I had a £50 note, I wouldn"t be eating in McDonald"s.

[BossMark]

Big Brother 12. 14 bloody weirdos in a small house in Elstree. Never a suicide bomber around when you need one.

[Jimbuna]

Was walking in the Tesco entrance earlier to get my weekly shopping, when I read their motto, 'Why Pay More?'

"Good point," I thought... "Asda it is then."

[Platapus]

I think we need to split this thread into two separate threads.

American Jokes
English Jokes

:D

[BossMark]

Did you hear about the 3 Million Pound Irish lottery?The winner gets 3 quid a year for a million years.

[Jimbuna]

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

[BossMark]

My mother"s a gullible old dear, so when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I wrote out a list.She spent hours at the shopping centre trying to find an air guitar, and a fanny magnet.But she wasn"t fooled at all by my request for the book; "French Military Victories."

[soopaman2]

My mother"s a gullible old dear, so when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I wrote out a list.She spent hours at the shopping centre trying to find an air guitar, and a fanny magnet.But she wasn"t fooled at all by my request for the book; "French Military Victories."


Ouch! Funny but ouch.

Come on man Napoleon? (At least Until Wellington and Von Blucher came along)

Americans do love a French joke, sorry.:O:

[BossMark]

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

[Sailor Steve]

Americans do love a French joke, sorry.:O:
You want Freedom Fries with that?
:rotfl2:

I love any good joke. Occasionally we've had folks who thought they were true (not meaning you, of course, just grabbing the opportunity). In those cases I always remind them that we might not have won the Revolution without the help of people with names like Lafayette, Rochambeau and De Grasse. :sunny:

[BossMark]

What"s the difference between toast and a Frenchman?
You can make soldiers out of toast.

[Jimbuna]

10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

[Gerald]

10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please don't let Kevin Bacon die. Is it time for laughter now, :smug:

[Jimbuna]

Go to bed!!

[Gerald]

Go to bed!! BTW, have ya sent this pm,I ask before :stare:

[Jimbuna]

BTW, have ya sent this pm,I ask before :stare:

I do believe I did...


Women say childbirth is one of the most painful experience you could possibly imagine.

Clearly never stood on a plug in the middle of the night.

[Gerald]

I do believe I did...


Women say childbirth is one of the most painful experience you could possibly imagine.

Clearly never stood on a plug in the middle of the night. OK! My son :yep:

[BossMark]

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I"m the bloody goalie."

[Reece]

Bruce lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pumpkin scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife Jane of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, Bruce threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
"Bugger off Bruce!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"

[Herr-Berbunch]

If we're still going on about French Military - here's a funny that Jim linked a while ago.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

Still funny, every time I read it. :yeah:

[Jimbuna]

I've been practicing my routine for this years Britain's got talent.

The music starts, I turn the TV off and go off out.

[BossMark]

A man asks his friend, "what"s the most common French expression?
"His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

[Jimbuna]

Just got handcuffed to a bench by some nuns.

Must've been the Restraining Order.

[BossMark]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don"t like getting flowers?"The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don"t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."The blonde says, "Don"t you have a vase?"

[Jimbuna]

I dont want to freak the kids out but there's a bloody bat hanging in the loft.

They don't need to know how mummy gets her bruises.

[BossMark]

Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving.He was given six months but the police don"t think he will finish his sentence.

[Jimbuna]

So... if you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go?...

Kind of urgent!!

[BossMark]

An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn"t have to show it.""Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.Then he quietly explained."Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Sword Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn"t find any bloody Frenchmen to show it to"

[Jimbuna]

Posted that one on numerous occasions in different threads here but always good to see it again...one of my favourites :DL

[Jimbuna]

My wife rang me earlier.

"Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!"

"I'm having a few beers with the lads," I said.

"Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgotten my key."

"Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Dave through from the kitchen."

[BossMark]

Just watched one of those nature programs about ship wreck diving and my wife said "Why do the divers fall backwards into the sea".
So I replied "If they fell forward they will still be in the boat"

[Jimbuna]

I've just seen a truck turn into some bloke.

I couldn't believe it.

I wish I had transformers when I was a kid.

[BossMark]

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in America to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of schools.

[Jimbuna]

My mum was impressed with my newly completed bathroom, but suggested I get a toilet brush? I'm not so sure.. having used it for the first time today, I can honestly say I prefer toilet paper.

[BossMark]

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see Closed For The Winter.

[Jimbuna]

My wife arrived back from her driving test.

"So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?"

"Not good," she replied. "He failed me."

"Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad; what did he pull you up on?"

"A rope," she replied. "The car's still in the river."

[BossMark]

Paddy takes his new wife home on his wedding night.She lies on the bed, spread-eagled, naked, and says, "Paddy....you know what I want.....""Yeah....the whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"

[Jimbuna]

I was watching a football match in Japan, in the end they started doing martial arts.

I asked the bloke next to me "Whats going on?"

He said "There's 2 minutes of ninjury time."

[BossMark]

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the bollocks to pull the bloody cord!

[Jimbuna]

I hear O.J. Simpson and his first wife are getting back together.

They decided to take another stab at it.

[Sailor Steve]

The dyslexic atheist says there is no Dog.

The dyslexic insomniac agnostic lies awake all night wondering whether there's a Dog or not.

[Jimbuna]

Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry.

But it's one that actually works.

[BossMark]

France officially commended Zinedine Zidane for his head-butting antics during the previous World Cup.Apparently, he was the first man in the last 100 years to fight in French uniform and win

[Grayghost59]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don"t like getting flowers?"The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don"t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."The blonde says, "Don"t you have a vase?"
I've laughed so hard I'm in tears.Funny thing is I bet we all know at least one person who would ask the last questions. Thanks for making my day.:haha:

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife that I'd make tea tonight. I've got a tin of corned beef, some potatoes and an onion.

I'm making a complete hash of it

[BossMark]

I took this lass home last night, but I was a bit surprised when she told me before we got started that she used to be a hooker.
I was a bit taken aback, but I told her it was OK, the past was the past.
Then she told me her name had been Dave and she"d played for Leeds Rhinos.

[Jimbuna]

My wife recently asked me to surprise her. She wanted me to do something that would take her breath away...

So I strangled her to death.

[BossMark]

The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans - all of whom will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games

[Jimbuna]

"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is an awesome phrase.

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

[BossMark]

We"ve got a stunning blonde started at our office and I heard rumours she wanted to give me one.
Unfortunately, it was out of ten.

[BossMark]

During the Christmas period a Channel 5 big-wig has proposed as a good will gesture to pay for a large house for homeless people, prostitutes, single mothers, etc. to live in and enjoy over the Christmas period. It promises to be the best series of Big Brother yet.

[Jimbuna]

FIFA 12- (F)emales (I)gnored (F)or (A)nother 12 months.

[BossMark]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet £20,000 on a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don"t mind, but I feel much luckier when I"m completely nude."With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.. "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"The other answered, "I don"t know - I thought you were watching."MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

[BossMark]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?"Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go piss, bitch."The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the lav. I"ll be right back.""That"s better, but it"s still not very nice to say the word lav at the dinner table And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you"ll get to meet after dinner."The teacher fainted

[Jimbuna]

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."

My dog's full of useful information like that.

[BossMark]

The government really are sneaky buggers.
They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you have to drink more

[Jimbuna]

I knocked at my neighbour's door today.

"Your son has just run out in front of my car," I snapped. "I nearly killed him."

"I'm so sorry," she gasped. "He won't be doing it again."

"I know he won't," I replied. "The paramedic said that he was probably paralysed."

[BossMark]

A woman goes to her boyfriend"s parents" house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn"t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend"s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women"s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn"t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!"Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn"t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she poo's on you!"

[Jimbuna]

The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal.

Cheeky gits want £19.99 for it.

I think I'll wait for the pirate copy.

[BossMark]

Why don"t they have fireworks at Euro Disneyland Paris?
Because every time they set them off the French try to surrender.

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about the high wall joke?

I couldn't get over it.

[BossMark]

A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he"s drinking.He says, "Magic beer. You want one?""Aw, that"s stupid. There"s no such thing" she says."Look, I"ll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window."That"s incredible! I don"t believe it!" she says."Hey barkeep, throw me another one o" them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again."Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.The bartender says, "Superman, you"re a real bastard when you"re drunk.

[BossMark]

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?Gifted...
What do you call a blond with a whole brain?A golden retriever!!!

[Jimbuna]

I got pulled over by the police after they spotted me leaving the pub car park, the officer told me to get out the car and walk in a straight line.
He said "excuse me Sir you are staggering" I replied "your not a bad looking man yourself"

[BossMark]

Little Johnny is passing his parents" bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in *The Act*before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny"s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy!This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[Jimbuna]

If you're not supposed to misuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

[BossMark]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he"s pulled over by the police.
The police officer approaches him and asks,
"Have you been drinking Sir?""No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?""No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.

[Jimbuna]

Older than you I suspect :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.

It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

[BossMark]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I"m sorry, honey, I"ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

[Jimbuna]

A police officer stops a man who is driving his car with his wife in the passenger seat.
The man says "What's the problem officer?" "You were doing at least 75 in a 70 limit."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you were doing 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to book you for a broken rear light."
Man: "Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and shouts, "Shut your mouth."
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Wife says: "No only when he's drunk."

[BossMark]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You"re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They"re going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you"re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don"t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don"t know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I"m driving."

[BossMark]

A couple was going out for the evening. They"d gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don"t want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He"s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"

[Jimbuna]

"There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity."

- Unknown

[Jimbuna]

I was over an hour late for work this morning.

When I arrived the boss stormed over and snapped, "What's your excuse this time Matthew?"

"Sorry sir," I said. "I missed the bus."

He said, "Well make sure you're more punctual in future."

I replied, "Sorry sir comma I missed the bus full stop"

[BossMark]

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you"ve been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?""Yes" she replies, "He"s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago
.""That"s remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn"t think anybody could celebrate that long."