The joke thread

[BossMark]

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

“Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”

[Jimbuna]

How much does nothing cost?

£1.003 billion according to Sheikh Mansour's bank account.

[RundownJet]

You Might be Canadian If....
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly Eh?"

[RundownJet]

You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?" ...Eh?

[RundownJet]

You Might Be Canadian If...

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans...Eh?

[RundownJet]

You May a Little Too Canadian If...

You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day....Eh?

[Jimbuna]

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

[RundownJet]

You Might be Canadian If....

You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!":smug:

[RundownJet]

You Might Be Canadian If...
You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that Eh.

[RundownJet]

You're A Candian If....
You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny...Eh?

If You Can Guess WHY its funny and your not a Canadian..
Ill give ya a Chocolate Bar Eh.

[RundownJet]

You Might Be Canadian If....
You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format...Eh?

[RundownJet]

Probably Are Canadian If...
You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes...Eh?



(Im more of a Laugh outta this than i should:har:Eh?)

[Jimbuna]

You might be Canadian if you repeatedly post one-liners eh?

[Sailor Steve]

It's okay, Canadians are notorious spammers.

WELCOME ABOARD, RundownJet! :sunny:

When you get the time, feel free to tell us all about yourself. http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=87423

What subsims do you play? Other games? Real life?

[nikimcbee]

It's okay, Canadians are notorious spammers.


I thinks it's those British genes.:haha:

Family from Northern England?:hmmm::haha::yeah:

[Jimbuna]

There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there." One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."

Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."

Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"

[RundownJet]

You might be Canadian if you repeatedly post one-liners eh?

I find them actually quite funny, Its the fact that people get a good laugh from chessy jokes that makes it worth it...eh?:D

[RundownJet]

I thinks it's those British genes.:haha:

Family from Northern England?:hmmm::haha::yeah:

Actually yes! Im partial brit/Scot/Welsh/German/Cree And a chunk of Irish thrown in. So blame the fact that this funny Canuck thinks he's funny:D
To me though, As a joke thread. Ive seen some really, Really corny Jokes..Mine can help "freshen it up" :haha: besides, It all for having a good laugh right..Eh?

[RundownJet]

It's okay, Canadians are notorious spammers.

WELCOME ABOARD, RundownJet! :sunny:

When you get the time, feel free to tell us all about yourself. http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=87423

What subsims do you play? Other games? Real life?

Thanks for the Welcome Eh. We're not ALL that bad..We just seem polite so people just leave us to our hockey and Oh so "Good" One liners!:haha: And ill head to the thread and Introduce myself..Eh?

[BossMark]

A car was speeding down a motorway so a traffic cop took chase and when he caught
up with the vehicle was amazed to see a woman knitting as she was speeding along.
He realised that she was completely oblivious to the sirens, flashing lights etc. so got out his loud haler and bellowed "PULL OVER". The woman yelled back at him " No its a scarf actually".

[Jimbuna]

I have to say, I'm quite impressed with the speed and efficiency at which our nation's hard done by teachers have managed to arrange the forthcoming strikes. It's almost as if they all had 2 weeks off over Easter to arrange trivial, unwarranted events.

[BossMark]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a bar in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis.

[Jimbuna]

In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

[Jimbuna]

All is not well in the new Paul McCartney household after his recent wedding. There are unconfirmed reports that there was a huge row between the newly weds when Paul discovered she was spending twice as much on shoes as his previous wife.

[BossMark]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."

[U570]

Top things not to hear on the airline P.A:
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me...

15. I'll have what the Captain's having...

16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

[Jimbuna]

"Now then" said the Doctor, "if you can remove your trousers and slip your underwear off for me... Thank you. And jump lightly on the spot.. good, good. Nice swing. Now if you can bend over this desk.. place your hands on top. Excellent. Hold still please, you will feel a little cold gel on your bottom."

"Doctor?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you do this to all your assistants when they first visit the Tardis?"

[Jimbuna]

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.

I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

[BossMark]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

[Jimbuna]

I couldn't take my eyes off this girl in the bar the other night. She had the most fantastic body I'd ever seen. It was only when she turned around though, that I saw how ugly her face was. Feeling a bit let down I got up to go the toilet, and by the time I got back, she had left.
Later on my mate passed me a piece of paper and said, "Oh... I forgot. That lass at the bar asked me to give you this."
On it she'd written, "I saw you looking at me earlier.. Why don't you get in touch sometime," followed by her phone number.
The most amazing thing was that she had signed the note, "from Horseface."
I couldn't help but admire how she'd come to terms with the way she looked in such a self-deprecating and humorous way, so I decided to text her and ask for a date.
"Hi Horseface," I wrote, "I'd love to meet up sometime. Next Tuesday OK?"
I'd just fired off the text when my mate saw what I was doing and said, "You're not actually replying to that are you? Crikey, Dave! I even wrote Horseface on the bottom so you'd know it was that ugly one!"

[Jimbuna]

A policeman pulled me over last night.

"Do you know why I've stopped you, sir?" he asked.

I said, "Yes, you saw me talking on my mobile phone."

"That's right" he said, "Are you insured?"

I said, "I don't know to be honest, you'll have to ask O2."

[BossMark]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[Jimbuna]

I've read news reports that say because of the wide spread famine in North Korea the government has advised it's people to eat bark and grass. I know they like their dog meat over there but surely telling people to eat the bark as well is just taking the pee.

[Jimbuna]

Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman?

[frau kaleun]

Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman?

And 74% of all statistics are made up right there on the spot.




Trufact. :yep:

[Jimbuna]

If you drink alchool you're an alcoholic.

If I drink Fanta does this mean I'm fantastic???

[BossMark]

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; “Don’t reject the guy outright.”
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.” The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says “No problem!! I buy. I buy.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.” The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.” The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s uttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, and looking really sad, says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

[Jimbuna]

"Sit up straight at the dinner table!" said my wife to my son.
"Why?" he asked "Dad doesn't."
"That's because he's spineless," she replied.

I really should say something but I don't want to cause a fuss.

[RundownJet]

(Time for more One-Liners!:har:)

You Might be Canadian If....You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous...Eh?



(Also need some assistance with my Mod-Soup, Some parts not working..Eh?)

[RundownJet]

Wanna hear a dirty joke? Timmy fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke? Timmy took a bath.

Wanna hear another clean joke? Timmy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.:haha:Eh?

[RundownJet]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in the house."
"Don't wory," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that i did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything." ...Eh?

[RundownJet]

A little boy runs into his house and asks, "Mom, can little girls have babies?"
The mom answers, "No, of course not." The little boy runs
outside, yelling, "It's ok, we can play the game again!"

[RundownJet]

Another Blond Joke..What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
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RUN AWAY, SHE'S GOT THE GRENADE IN HER MOUTH!

[mapuc]

Here's a little dirty joke

"Two young sailors arrived with their ship to a port in Brazil. They followed some of the more experienced sailors to a bodega, which was hidden in a dark alley. When they got inside, they found a seat and sat down. After a few minutes came a big madam towards them.

What do these two young men want to drink?

two double whiskey, said one of the two sailors

With milk or water? madam asked

Whiskey with milk, this had these two young and very inexperienced sailor never heard of.

So they ordered whiskey with milk

Madam went and came back after a few minutes with two whiskey. She placed the tray on the table, lifted her shirt and grabbed one of her ****** and squeezed twice in each glass and put the glasses in front of the two young men

The two young men sat and looked at each other with a puzzled facial expression

Then one of them said. It was probably good that we didn't ordered whiskey with water."

[RundownJet]

An Old Fart and his friend go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs The Old Fart asks his friend "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"
"I think mine was a witch."
"A witch?" "Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

Thats All For Today Folks! "Play Long, Long way to Tipparary!"

[Sailor Steve]

You don't know me well enough to include me in your jokes. I would appreciate it if you kept them impersonal, at least where I'm concerned.

[RundownJet]

You don't know me well enough to include me in your jokes. I would appreciate it if you kept them impersonal, at least where I'm concerned.

You Got it, No more jokes with you in 'em. No Offence Intended.
(Fixed the Joke for You aswell.)

[RundownJet]

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club." ..Eh?

[Sailor Steve]

(Fixed the Joke for You aswell.)
I'm still in it. But it's not your fault that I really am an old fart. :dead:

I guess I just don't like it when the jokes are personal. That's just me, and thanks. :sunny:

[RundownJet]

I'm still in it. But it's not your fault that I really am an old fart. :dead:

I guess I just don't like it when the jokes are personal. That's just me, and thanks. :sunny:

Not a problem.:salute:

[Jimbuna]

Just saw my doctor get knocked over as he was crossing the road.
I walked up to him as he gasped, "Help me, please help, I think I'm badly hurt."

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, doctor, I'm extremely busy at the moment. Take these two aspirin and, if you don't feel any better, call me in the morning."

[BossMark]

What great start to the Olympics with manchesters young winning two diving gold medals already

[Jimbuna]

Man: I hope you know CPR.

Woman: Hehe, because I take your breath away?

Man: No, because your fat friend just had a heart attack on the dancefloor.

[BossMark]

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

[Sailor Steve]

Why read it when you can watch it? :sunny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcsXC2xFis4

Scene starts at 2:40.

[BossMark]

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

[Jimbuna]

Just received confirmation from Royal Mail about the price increase of stamps.

It was sent 3 months ago.

[BossMark]

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"

"No, I guess not," says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, "Why did you let him do that?"

To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"

[Jimbuna]

My wife got annoyed the other day just because she caught me looking at another girl.

She demanded. "Why are you gawping, you perv?! You are disgusting!"

"You're overreacting!" I retorted. "Meaning I'm married to you doesn't mean I need to close my eyes every time I see someone else!"

She yelled. "Stop peeping through the curtains when my sister is taking a shower, Yuri!"

[BossMark]

There's a captain and his crew, and they always won naval battles. One day, a sailor called out "Cap'! 10 ships approaching!" The Captain replied "Get me my red shirt!" They did, he put it on, and they won the battle.

Later, a sailor called "Cap'! 20 ships!" "Get me my red shirt!" They did, and they won after he wore it

Later, 50 ships attacked, they got their captain his red shirt, and they won

Then one day a sailor asked "Captain, why do you wear that red shirt?" "If I get shot and bleed, you won't see my blood and keep fighting for me" said the captain

Later...
Sailor: "Captain! 220000 ships!"
Captain: "What!? Get me my brown pants!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

[Jimbuna]

I attended Finsbury Park Mosque once where Abu Hamza used to preach Jihad.

After hearing him speak, I was hooked.

[BossMark]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You have got a nice house."

[BossMark]

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[Jimbuna]

Last year, my mates sponsored me to run the London Marathon backwards.

It took me over eight hours to fight my way through the oncoming crowd, but eventually I made it to the starting line.

[Jimbuna]

It would be so nice if one day I could sit and read a newspaper without seeing somebody who has been stabbed.

I'm fed up with it.

I'm seriously considering reading my newspaper in a different pub from next week.

[BossMark]

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Jimbuna]

The Government is to introduce compulsory microchips for all dogs in England.

Morons. My Rover only likes Pedigree Chum.

[BossMark]

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

[Sailor Steve]

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
Copypasta strikes again. :O:
:rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

Copypasta strikes again. :O:
:rotfl2:

LOL :D

[kranz]

Copypasta strikes again. :O:
:rotfl2:
no offense but Berlusconi would call you "the chief kapo of this thread" :)

[Aviv]

How do you make a Swiss Roll? Push him over an Alp!

[kiwi_2005]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

[kiwi_2005]

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[BossMark]

Copypasta strikes again. :O:
:rotfl2:
Oops one day I will read through this thread :oops::yep:

[Jimbuna]

There's blatant cheating going on in the London Marathon.

The bloke in 6th place is on a motorbike!

[Sailor Steve]

no offense but Berlusconi would call you "the chief kapo of this thread" :)
Nah, I'm just the class clown.

I have a capo for my guitar. Does that count?

[Jimbuna]

I arrived at my date's house and she came out with her arms folded.

"I'm not riding with you on that thing."

"Come on! Hop on we'll arrive at the pub in style!"

"You're crazy."

"It's a classic from the 1970s!"

"Forget it Jim, it's a Space Hopper."

[kranz]

Nah, I'm just the class clown.

I have a capo for my guitar. Does that count?

since you used a word which doesn't exist in my dictionary, it doesn't:O:

[Jimbuna]

Bit of an awkward moment today when my missus came face to face with my ex-wife.

I'd forgotten I buried her there as well.

[Sailor Steve]

since you used a word which doesn't exist in my dictionary, it doesn't:O:
Sorry 'bout that. It's one of these:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capo

[Jimbuna]

I walked out of the supermarket today and spotted a fat chick standing on the roof.

"What are you doing up there?" I shouted.

"I'm killing my self!" she screamed, "I'm sick of being teased about my weight."

"Come on, please, just get down!" I shouted back. "There'll be an earth quake if you jump off there."

[BossMark]

- When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.

- Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

- In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

- You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

- You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

- You can catch a fish on a 20-pence night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

- Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[Jimbuna]

Our Budgie broke one of its legs the other day, My Master helped him walk around by making a splint out of two matches. You should have seen the budgies little eyes light up: in fact you should have seen him all light up, burnt to a crisp, My Master had left the sandpaper in the bottom!

[BossMark]

A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked. I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked. He quickly answered Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.

[BossMark]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the pub and the barman said, "Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you Bob?"

"Whatever you've been drinking, mate."

[Platapus]

Sooooo there is not a requirement that these jokes actually be funny, right?

:D

[Sailor Steve]

Sooooo there is not a requirement that these jokes actually be funny, right?

:D
Nor is there a requirement that the poster actually know the joke so he could tell it at a party, or that he remember it five minutes from now. :O:

[Jimbuna]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

[BossMark]

Nick Clegg admitted he tried marijuana several years ago, but didn't like it. He said it distorted his perceptions, impaired his thinking, and made him feel a bit queer.

I wonder when all these side-effects will wear off?

[Jimbuna]

My local Indian resturant is doing a Falklands war memorial dish to celebrate 30 years since the conflict.

It's called a Argie Bhaji.

[Jimbuna]

Had to ask the yoga group to leave early,

To be fair they were pretty flexible about it.

[Sailor Steve]

Jim, you're stretching. :O:

[Jimbuna]

Jim, you're stretching. :O:

LOL :DL

My wife sent me a text with a link attached to a fancy dress website with the message "this is waiting for you when you get home"

When I opened the link it was a picture of a girl in sexy nurses costume.

I texted back "Thanks very much, she's gorgeous"

[BossMark]

Six guys are playing poker. After losing £500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.

"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost £500 playing cards."

"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

[Jimbuna]

I tried cutting my sandwiches with a butterknife earlier, but it wasn't working.

I definitely should have used a metal knife.

[Herr-Berbunch]

More money is spent on viagra and boob jobs than Alzheimer's research.

By 2040 old folks homes will be full of these body enhancements but nobody will have a clue why or what to do with them!

[Jimbuna]

"I was distracted by that flashing siren of yours this morning," I said to my cop neighbour.

"Actually," he laughed, "it's the lights that flash, not the siren."

"Well actually," I laughed, "I was talking about your wife."

[BossMark]

There's two things I don't like about Nick Clegg; his face.

[Jimbuna]

Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.

Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration.

[BossMark]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,

He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

P... E... N.... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Jimbuna]

I hear a British man is being kept alive by a Swedish built artificial heart.

It's absolutely amazing what you can get at Ikea.

[kiwi_2005]

Have just been involved in a car accident.

I ran over three pedestrians on a pedestrian crossing.

One dented the bonnet.
One Smashed through my windscreen,
and one bounced 100 metres up the road.

The police have been great about it though.

They charged one with willful damage.
One with breaking and entering,
and one with leaving the scene of an accident.

[BossMark]

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started peeing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

[Jimbuna]

I've set up a charity called "Tourette's Welfare And Treatment".

All we need is an acronym, and we're good to go!

[BossMark]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[Jimbuna]

I remember a football match I attended in the 70s, midway through the first half I was approached by a steward.

"I'm sorry sir", he said, "flares are prohibited."

Imagine my embarrassment, having to watch the rest of the match in my underpants.

[BossMark]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2::haha::har:

[Jimbuna]

A Sergeant Major is briefing his troops before they go out to fight in the jungle.

"Apart from the enemy , the most dangerous thing in the jungle is the Black and Yellow Snake, it's stripes are magnificent , but the Venom is lethal, if you see one of these things in the long grass you have to sneak up behind it and quickly smack it on the back of the head and kill it".

A month goes by and the Sergeant Major is visiting his troops in hospital, when he notices a Soldier in the corner completely covered in bandages "What happened to you Soldier", "Black and Yellow Snake Sir" came the reply.

" I thought I told you how to deal with those things" said the Sergeant.

"I was in the grass and as I looked up I saw one , so I sneaked up behind it and quickly smacked what turned out to be the biggest pair of Tiger Bollocks you've ever seen in your life"

[BossMark]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the air plane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seat stand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[Red October1984]

You know what they say about guys with big feet...........they say damn, you got some big feet.

[Jimbuna]

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

[BossMark]

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tut Tut!" said the passer by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishing', sir."

"Fishing', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

[Jimbuna]

Most people use the phone to see what their mates are up to.

Geordies just put on CrimeWatch.

[Jimbuna]

Interesting first England team just announced. Wobinson gets a wecall, Wichards, Tewwy (if not guilty of being a wacist) Wio, Bwidge, Bawwy, Gewward, Wight-Phiwwips,Wooney,Cwouch and Stuwwidge..... Cawwick and Hargweaves on the bench.

[BossMark]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Marks and Spencers, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

[BossMark]

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you want to go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I want to stay up here with you.''

[Jimbuna]

Last night my wife and I spent hours going through old boxing movies,
I think we're going through a rocky patch.

[BossMark]

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

[Jimbuna]

CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.

Except Winter and Summer.

And Autumn.

[BossMark]

A small white guy gets into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the guy, "What's wrong?"

The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around

[Kongo Otto]

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"...

[frau kaleun]

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"...

*spit take*

:rotfl2: :rotfl2: :har:

[BossMark]

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”

“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

“What?” she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

[Jimbuna]

I woke up this morning on my 30th birthday, looked in the mirror and was disgusted with what I saw.

Gone was the once youthful good looks, the hair tinged with grey and just an all round sign that no effort was put into maintaining a decent figure.

The wife really has let herself go.

[kiwi_2005]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!!!"

[BossMark]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm MAG rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

[Jimbuna]

What is the Iraqi army's motto?

I came...

I saw...

Iran.

[Jimbuna]

The Judge studied each picture in sequence before looking up at me.

"Without doubt, these are the sickest most perverted images I have even been confronted with. It almost beggars belief that, inebriated or not, young women would allow such photographs to be taken....."

He paused before opening his wallet, "..... Fifty quid for the lot, you said?"

[Jimbuna]

'Clinton Cards Enter Administration'.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

[BossMark]

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.

After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

[Herr-Berbunch]

'Clinton Cards Enter Administration'.


Sorry, thought you were referring to a previous US Administration...

[Jimbuna]

Some fat bloke just shouted at me for blocking his drive with my car.

To be fair, I shouldn't really be driving a car across the golf course anyway.

[frau kaleun]

Now that summer's fast approaching I figured I better start getting ready for it, so I bought some SPF 75 sunscreen.

Gave the tube a little squeeze to see what it was like and a wool sweater popped out.

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the psychic hotline by mistake tonight.

A woman answered and said, "Don't worry, your pizza is on its way."

[TarJak]

I don't like computer jokes. Not one bit.

[Jimbuna]

I don't like computer jokes. Not one bit.

Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?

[kiwi_2005]

A Maori a Tongan and a Samoan are all in a car. Who's driving?

The police.

[Jimbuna]

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

[BossMark]

A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.

She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the colour doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you any more.

Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'

[Jimbuna]

I tried to kill myself the other night by taking 1000 aspirin.
But after the first two I felt better.

[BossMark]

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.

[Jimbuna]

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

"Where the hell have you been?" screamed my wife.

I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."

"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you" I said, "This isn't our house anymore."

[Sailor Steve]

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing.
Reminds me of one I heard at the private Catholic high school I attended in the '60s:

The crowd is gathered around the woman caught in adultery. They ask Jesus for a ruling. He says "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a rock flies out of the crowd and bounces off the woman's head, knocking her to the ground. As the crowd begins to stone her to death, Jesus turns around, scans the crowd and says "Mother, how many times do I have to ask you to stay out of my business?!"

[kranz]

at the private Catholic high school I attended
I was hoping to hear one of these trauma-stories...:DL

[kiwi_2005]

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living. The barman was crushed to death

[Sailor Steve]

I was hoping to hear one of these trauma-stories...:DL
Sorry, they were very good years. Lots of fond memories.

And I'm not even Catholic.

[BossMark]

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[Jimbuna]

I've just got back from my mate's 30th birthday weekend in Las Vegas and it looks like my girlfriend has left me.

Perhaps I should've phoned her whilst I was there.

Or perhaps I should've come back on 7th June 2009 like I was supposed to.

[BossMark]

"Get this." I said to my mates, "Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" my mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.
The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

[Jimbuna]

Please Feel 3-2 laugh at man united.

[BossMark]

Andy Carroll in the England squad :har::har:

[Jimbuna]

Kenny Dalglish sacked :DL

[Herr-Berbunch]

Kenny Dalglish sacked :DL

Liverpool have replaced him with Ken Dodd so they don't have to change the manager's initialled jacket and also people won't laugh as much.

[Jimbuna]

A kid knocks on Kenny Dalglish`s door and starts to sing "Away in a Manger".
Kenny replies "Go Away, I've already wasted enough money on Carrols"

[Kaye T. Bai]

I gave my batteries away... Free of charge.

Sexual harassment is such... A touchy subject.

[BossMark]

The wife said wanted me to make love to her Man Utd style...
I said "what do you mean?"
She said "Stay on top for ages and come 2nd"

[Kaye T. Bai]

Religious and spiritual music are bad for our children... Too much sects and violins.

I think I might have an abacus laying around here somewhere... But, don't count on it.

[Jimbuna]

I saw a man standing in my back garden this morning.

I opened the window and said, "What are you doing mate?"

"Sorry," he said, "I thought you was in Spain?"

"No," I replied. "I leave at 6am tomorrow."

"Okay," he said, jumping over the fence. "Have a lovely time."

"Will do" I smiled.

What a nice guy.

[BossMark]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[Jimbuna]

I see that 11 people are being linked with the Liverpool job.

Once they've got them, then they can start looking for a new manager.

[Jimbuna]

Michael Owen says he won't retire after being released by Manchester United.

He also said he's still undecided on which club he'll be injured for next season.

[BossMark]

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

[Jimbuna]

I've just bought a guard dog and he's really good.

Not been able to get inside my house for the past 3 days though.

[BossMark]

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"

[BossMark]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

[Jimbuna]

Good news for Greece, the Germans aren't so keen on penalties anymore.

[BossMark]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"

[Jimbuna]

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.

I really need to stop drinking on duty.

[Jimbuna]

I have a serious condition that prevents me from losing weight...

It's called "hunger"

[BossMark]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

[BossMark]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Jimbuna]

My wife has said she is leaving me for treating her like a child, but I don't think she will.

She's grounded.

[BossMark]

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

[BossMark]

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

"Whats going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"

"Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"

[Jimbuna]

I visited the capital city of Lebanon, it was horrible.

The guide book had a cheek rating it Triple A.

[BossMark]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Jimbuna]

'Game for a laugh' returns to our screens, tonight's show features Engleburt Humperdink and Jedward.

[Halgarre]

I don't know if this has been told. If it has I'm sorry in advance.


It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a
very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly,
the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back...

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2:

That's great! Usually we frown upon any swearing, including using asterisks to fake it, but the punch line kind of needs it to get the point across.

I don't know if this has been told. If it has I'm sorry in advance.
No, I've never heard that one before. If you read through this whole thread you'll see a lot of jokes repeated, often by the one who told it in the first place. One of the hazards of copypasta.

[Halgarre]

Thanks for the warning, I will keep it clean.

[Jimbuna]

Receptionist rushes into Doctors Consulting Room, "Doctor, that last patient you saw that you gave a clean bill of health to, has just collapsed and died on his way out of Reception, what shall i do??"

Doctor replies, "turn him around, they'll think he was coming in...."

[BossMark]

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[Jimbuna]

I bought my Obsessive/Compulsive mate a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

He's going nuts trying to hang it straight.

[BossMark]

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you have sex with me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then have sex with you."
The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. He and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "Well, let's do it!"
The man agrees to start but only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, uses it on her and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "The hell with the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[BossMark]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?

''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''

''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.

''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''

''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''

[Sailor Steve]

Both of those are really pushing the limits of bad taste. There are children who read these forums.

[Jimbuna]

I showed my wife a picture of that 63 stone teenager this morning.

"Why are you showing me that?" she asked.

"I just wanted to make the point that you could end up like this."

"Do you really think so?" she said.

"Definitely. If you lose a little bit of weight."

[Jimbuna]

I'm voting Greece to win the Eurovision song contest.
Not because I think they are good,
I just want to see their Prime Minister's face when they realise how much the arena costs for next year.

[Kongo Otto]

I'm voting Greece to win the Eurovision song contest.
Not because I think they are good,
I just want to see their Prime Minister's face when they realise how much the arena costs for next year.


:har::har::har:

[BossMark]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[Jimbuna]

I was charged with Bigamy and I said to my solicitor, "I'm worried about the death penalty."

"Impossible," he said, "It can't happen."

"You haven't met my wives." I replied.

[BossMark]

One day two blondes each bought a pig. The problem they were having was telling the two pigs apart.

So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, "I'll cut my pig's tail off, then we will know the difference." So she cut her pig's tail off.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's tail off. The next morning the blonde had a solution, she said,"I'll just cut my pig's right back leg off." So, she did.

That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right back leg off. The next morning the blondes were real upset and finally decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so she did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's back left leg off. The next morning the blondes were really upset and didn't know how they were going to tell their pigs apart. So, one of them stated, "I will cut my pig's right front leg off. Then we can tell our pigs apart." So, she did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right front leg off. The blondes were really upset and decided the only logical explanation would be to cut the remaining leg off one pig. So, they did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's only leg off. The next morning when the blondes awoke they were devastated. Finally, the other blonde spoke up and said, "How about you take the white one and I'll take the black one."

[Jimbuna]

Sad to hear about that pastor who died from a snake bite. Apparently it always used to be well behaved - goes to show you can't always trust a civil serpent.

[BossMark]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."

[Jimbuna]

I was helping out at the centre for deaf kids. I signed to one young boy, "If you had one wish, what would it be?"

He signed back, "I wish I could tell when my mum's coming up the stairs."

[BossMark]

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

[Jimbuna]

" Hey boss can take a day off I'm going to be a father,"
"Sure!"
The next day.
"So is is a boy or a girl?"
"Dunno find out in nine months"

[Nippelspanner]

:rotfl2:

That's great! Usually we frown upon any swearing, including using asterisks to fake it, but the punch line kind of needs it to get the point across.

:stare:

[BossMark]

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, "Have you ever tried playing doctor?"

His mate says, "No what's it like?"

The man replies, "It's amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night must of been about 10 hours."

His mate, shocked says, "10 hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?"

"I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours."

[Jimbuna]

What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?

I.O.U.

[BossMark]

First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

[TarJak]

The barman says "We don't serve time-travellers here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

[Jimbuna]

Who ever thought the birds and the bees would be so kinky?

[Jimbuna]

"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best"

Sony 16:9

[BossMark]

Not sure whether this as been posted and I aint got time to check as its nearly time for work :wah:




A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"

[Jimbuna]

All my girlfriends mates think I'm so romantic. Every weekend she updates her status on Facebook

"Breakfast brought to me in bed again."

Though usually it's because she's in A & E for giving me an earful after I've been to the pub on Friday night.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Not sure whether this as been posted and I aint got time to check as its nearly time for work :wah:


I'll give you a clue - yes, and I didn't need to check. If it's not exactly the same then it's still the same punchline. :D

[Jimbuna]

Just like to congratulate Stoke On Trent on receiving 'The Flame' Shortly to follow in Stoke - 'The running water' and 'The electricity'

[BossMark]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[Jimbuna]

I typed 'Hell' instead of 'Hull' into my Sat-Nav.

I still got there.

[BossMark]

I typed 'Hell' instead of 'Hull' into my Sat-Nav.

I thought Hull\Hell was the same place :haha:

[Herr-Berbunch]

I think you'll find it's 'Ull and 'Ell. :D

[d@rk51d3]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 ?


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[Herr-Berbunch]

At the shopping centre the other day, eating at the food court, an old man sat watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue.The old man"s stare never faltered.
The teenager would look and every time he did so, he found the old man"s eyes fixed on him.Eventually, the teenager had had enough and he asked sarcastically, "What"s the matter with you old man - never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock" he said. "I was just wondering if you were my son."

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

:arrgh!:

[BossMark]

Post deleted going to stop drinking this Magners its rotting me brain :damn:

[Jimbuna]

Roy Hodgson only selected four strikers in his Euro 2012 squad;

Wayne Rooney
Jermain Defoe
Danny Welbeck
Andy Carroll

With Rooney suspended for the first two games and Defoe sent home for family reasons, we're left with only two striking options.

Danny Welbeck's right foot, and his left foot.

[BossMark]

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".

The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".

So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's OK", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".

The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The other friend replies, "doctor said you are going die!"

[Jimbuna]

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

[BossMark]

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zoo keeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zoo keeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zoo keeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m going to need another week to come up with the $500.”

[Jimbuna]

I overheard my wife on the phone to her friend last night.

"I can't wait for next weekend!" she whispered. "We're gonna try all sorts of new positions, and I'm gonna do everything he asks."

It would have been a lovely surprise, but she needs to start checking the calendar, because I'm working away that weekend.

[BossMark]

Medical definitions that you won't find in the dictionary



Artery = The study of paintings.
Benign = What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria = Back door to cafeteria.
Caesarean Section = A neighbourhood in Rome.
Ctscan = Searching for kitty.
Cauterise = Made eye contact with her.
Coma = A punctuation mark.
Dilate = To live long
Enema = Not a friend.
Fibula = A small lie.
Genital = Non-Jewish person.
Impotent = Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain = Getting hurt at work.
Morbid = A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates = Cheaper than day rates.
Node = I knew it.
Outpatient = A person who has fainted.
Pelvis = Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative = A letter carrier.
Recovery Room = Place to do upholstery.
Rectum = Very nearly killed him.
Secretion = Hiding something.
Seizure = Roman emperor.
Tablet = A small table.
Terminal Illness = Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour = More than one.
Urine = Opposite of you're out.
Varicose = Near by/close by.

[Jimbuna]

'Roy Hodgson challenges England players to reproduce Premier League form'

Or in the case of the Liverpool players, probably the opposite.

[BossMark]

What's the difference between Andy Carroll and an ambitious person?

The ambitious person has goals.

[Jimbuna]

I'm betting my money on the Spanish to win Euro 2012 after yesterday.

Much like the Spanish themselves, who will also be betting my money since this weekend...

[BossMark]

Whats the difference between a blond and a brick?

A brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

[Jimbuna]

Only Wayne Rooney could be thick enough to choose Bobby Charlton as the doner for his hair transplant.

[BossMark]

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

[Jimbuna]

I had a minute's silence following my wife's death.

Then, unfortunately, the paramedics brought her back to life.

[BossMark]

'There's a terrible smell in this café,' said O'Hara.
'Maybe it's the drains.'
'It can't be the drains,' retorted O'Hara, 'we haven't got any.'

[Jimbuna]

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.

It's on its last legs now.

[BossMark]

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjamas trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

[Jimbuna]

I just read a survey saying that most people die in the early hours of the morning.

Thank God I'm safe in bed by then.

[BossMark]

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'

[Jimbuna]

I used to be in a rock band called 'Obese' once.

We were heavy.

[BossMark]

Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."

'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.

[Jimbuna]

Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

[BossMark]

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put £5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put £5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for £5."

[Jimbuna]

My ten year old daughter asked me what it was that made me want to marry her mum.

I said, "Come back when you're eighteen."

She giggled and asked, "Why, is it rude?"

"No, but I might have figured it out by then," I replied.

[BossMark]

My wife asked me the other day
"How can I get rid of twelve pounds of really ugly fat?"
"Chop your head off" I replied.
The divorce hearing is next week.

[Jimbuna]

How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?

The President after Bush

[u crank]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with a view?"

[Jimbuna]

I phoned up my wife and asked, "What would you do if our son fell in a lake?"

She said, "I'd jump in and save him."

I replied, "Cool but you better hurry up."

[Nippelspanner]

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

Good one!:rotfl2:

[yanhuasanyuexyz]

LOUL:D

[Jimbuna]

I was walking down The Mall with a friend yesterday when he turned to me and said, "Seeing all those flags on display makes me so proud of my country."

"But Chan, you're Chinese," I replied. "All those flags are British."

"No, they're not," he laughed. "Just take a look at the labels."