The joke thread

[BossMark]

I had a hot date last night and my mate suggested trying a few hours of foreplay beforehand to really get her going.

It didn't work. And I'm sure it's actually called Connect 4.

[Jimbuna]

I walked in on a guy stealing money from peoples bank cards online
He looked at me worried, but I told him 'Don't stop on my account'

[BossMark]

My wife was stressing about what to wear for a Halloween party, so I went under the stairs and came out with a bin bag and a broomstick.

"What a great idea," she smiled.

"That's right," I said. "You can have a think about it while you tidy the garden."

[Jimbuna]

As I waited for my blind date, this woman came and sat down at my table, "Hello, you must be Mike, I recognised you from your picture."

"Oh, yes, you must be Kate's mum, pleased to meet you, is she not well or something?"

[BossMark]

I had the best workout ever with my mate who's a personal trainer tonight.

It lasted about 3 hours.

Lifting 16oz's at a time down at the pub.

[Jimbuna]

I challenged a bloke to a game of darts down the pub last night. He beat me 3-0, hitting 6 180's and a 170 checkout on the way. We then played pool and he broke and cleared 3 times in a row without me getting a single shot.
I thought I'd get my own back at table football but he won that 10-0 too.
I said to him "how did you get so bloody good at all these?" and he said "That's easy, I'm a fireman"

[BossMark]

I got lost hiking in the American woods with a friend of mine who's a barman.

Luckily a lot of the bears in the area were customers of his.

[Jimbuna]

I always promised myself that by the time I was forty I'd be rich enough to have a schooner down at the marina.

Last night I had three. Two Becks and a Holsten Pils.

[fireftr18]

I challenged a bloke to a game of darts down the pub last night. He beat me 3-0, hitting 6 180's and a 170 checkout on the way. We then played pool and he broke and cleared 3 times in a row without me getting a single shot.
I thought I'd get my own back at table football but he won that 10-0 too.
I said to him "how did you get so bloody good at all these?" and he said "That's easy, I'm a fireman"

:haha: :yeah:

[Jimbuna]

Tesco said today that they dumped over 30,000 tonnes of waste food in the first half of this year.

I'm not surprised. I shopped at Tesco once.

[BossMark]

"On your CV you say that your memory is one of your biggest strengths."
"Absolutely."
"Could you provide us with some examples?"
"Of what?"

[Jimbuna]

"Fancy going out for a meal tonight?" Asked my new girlfriend.

"I would love to, but I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment,"

"When we first met you told me you were loaded, or was that total rubbish.?"

"No it was true," I replied, "that cold only lasted a few days."

[BossMark]

I was watching TV with my girlfriend last night, when I asked her "Do you want to see my impression of a cricket bat?"

She laughed and said "Go on then"

So I smacked her in the face with one and held up a mirror.

[Jimbuna]

I think my wife is secretly planning to kill me.

Every time we watch CSI she sits there making notes.

[BossMark]

What's all this uproar over how two packed passenger planes came with 100 feet of each other.

Have these people never been to an airport ?

[TarJak]

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked

'What are my choices?' I asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

[Jimbuna]

I smiled at the checkout girl and said, "Has anybody told you how gorgeous you look today?"

"No", she giggled.

"Well, if they do", I replied, "will you please send them to my Specsavers shop next door?"

[BossMark]

Just to spite British Gas, if I die of hypothermia this winter I've arranged to be buried rather than cremated.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Wahay! Right thread. Cash in your flight to the Ukraine and get to specsavers.

[Jimbuna]

When I hear, 'Got a minute?' I know I'm about to lose a half hour of my life that I can never get back.

[BossMark]

Wahay! Right thread. Cash in your flight to the Ukraine and get to specsavers.
Am picking me new reading glasses up later this morning :yep:

[BossMark]

When my wife announced she was leaving me after a fortune teller told her I was wrong for her, I was in complete shock.

I was certain she'd recognise Sharon from my work.

[Jimbuna]

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

[BossMark]

The wife turned to me and said "after 20 years of marriage how would you describe me?"

I looked at her and said your A B C D E F G H I J K"

She looked at me puzzled "what does that mean?"

I replied "your adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous and hot"

"And what about the I J K" she asks.

"I'm just kidding"

[Jimbuna]

I threw a dart at a map of the world on my bedroom wall the other day, and went to where it landed.

I had a fantastic 3 days sat next to my wall.

[BossMark]

My wife was ironing and I wondered if she was thick enough to put the iron to her ear if the phone rang. So I rang the landline from my mobile and she put the iron down and went to answer it.

"No one there, is that you messing about again? Trying to make me look stupid," she said.

"Not at all, but I do love the smell of burning silk though." I replied.

[kranz]

why can't we give the couple from this thread (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=208334) the child from this thread (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=208541) and call it quits?

[BossMark]

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

[Jimbuna]

I'm currently at my mate Dave's house looking at some fishing equipment he has invented.

It's totally ridiculous and very unnecessary.

He's due to go on Dragon's Den next week and I'm fairly sure that he is going to get laughed at.

A hook that he can also wear as a ring? A reel that straps to his forehead?.

He's just making a rod for his own back.

[TarJak]

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."
So you hooked up with Svetlana from Ukraine then? :O:

[Jimbuna]

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists.

They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

[BossMark]

So you hooked up with Svetlana from Ukraine then? :O:
:haha: Good one mate

[BossMark]

I was walking past a sex shop when my daughter started pointing at the window saying, "Please daddy, will you get me one?"

"No way!" I said.

"Aw, daddy," she sobbed. "But I really need it?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because my room is bloody freezing with no window!"

[Jimbuna]

I used to have a pet bird. He always helped me do things, especially when I became really unhealthy and breathing became difficult for me. I couldn't do anything without huffing and Puffin.

[nikimcbee]

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

That sounds like the plot line for a bad porno movie.:hmmm:

[TarJak]

That sounds like the plot line for a bad porno movie.:hmmm:

You've been watching the wrong ones then. The ones I watch don't need a plot:D

[BossMark]

A policeman stopped me as I walked out of Curry's today.

He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?"

I said, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic."

[Jimbuna]

Stone Age cavemen were today celebrating the invention of the wheel by connecting a round stone with a wooden axle.
"We also tried a design with a separate hub and rim but so far we haven't developed a way of keeping them apart," said a spokesman.

[BossMark]

I was talking to this guy on holiday. 'what's up mate?' I asked.

'Oh, it's just I've lost one of the hotel slippers from my room, and you know how much the hotel charges for lost items.'

'Ah, sod it. Do what I do. Wait until next door is out, then sneak in and nick theirs. They normally don't make a fuss, and you save money.'

'What a great Idea.' he said. 'And you've done this?'

'Yeah. I did it for years. I lost the TV remote when I was in the Seychelles, nicked the one from the snobby old retired bastards next door. On another holiday to the Canary Islands I lost all the hotel towels, bang, nicked ones from the Banker and his misses in the next room. One year in Barbados I even lost all the sun loungers and nicked the ones from the stuck up Company Directors room adjoining mine. And none of them ever made a peep.'

'Wow.Thanks for the advice' he said, 'Do you still do it now?'

'Nah. I stopped about 6 years ago.'

'Why is that?It seems to work?'

'Well, I was on holiday in Portugal,and there was this couple next door, 2 snobby Doctors they were. Anyway, I got back from the beach and realised I'd lost my 3 year old daughter..........'

[Herr-Berbunch]

said a spokesman.

Groan :nope:

Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Patient: "That's okay. I'll come back when you are sober."

[Jimbuna]

Leeds United are 28/1 to win the Championship this season, basically,what this means is if you put £10 on them, you lose £10.

[BossMark]

Leeds United are 28/1 to win the Championship this season, basically,what this means is if you put £10 on them, you lose £10.
:har::har: Well I would certainty put that tenner on Leeds to win the Premiership before Newcastle :D:yeah::yep:

[Jimbuna]

:har::har: Well I would certainty put that tenner on Leeds to win the Premiership before Newcastle :D:yeah::yep:

Now that is probably the best joke you have posted...even if the most far fetched...best you get into the Premiership first.

How many years since you were last in? :03:

Edit....Nine years :o

:har:

[BossMark]

I went with a prostitute for the first time in my life after thirty years of marriage. I paid my money and she said, "I will do anything that your wife won't."

"Brilliant, can you just sit down and be quiet for an hour then."

[Jimbuna]

Lee Clark 3-2 Leeds


*That's before tomorrows derby result*

[Jimbuna]

When we were waiting at the traffic lights, my daughter started bouncing up and down excitedly in her car seat. "Look daddy!" she squealed, "A dalmatian!"

"So it is." I replied, "Well spotted."

[TarJak]

Jim decided to lookup his friend Mark, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Mark at his bungalow in Leeds stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Mark replied, "Nay Jim lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."

[TarJak]

At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would give a reward of £50 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, "I'll give £100!"

[Jimbuna]

Jim decided to lookup his friend Mark, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Mark at his bungalow in Leeds stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Mark replied, "Nay Jim lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."

At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would give a reward of £50 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, "I'll give £100!"

^ :har:

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

[BossMark]

This man approached me in town, "Would you like a big issue Sir?" He asked.

"No thanks," I replied. "I'm sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home."

[Jimbuna]

My wife's Facebook status reads "out for drinks with the girls tonight", so it looks like she'll have a sore head in the morning.

I never said she could go out.

[TarJak]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?'
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, 'That'll be 10p each, please.'
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40p, please.' They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same.'
'Wow! That's some story!' one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.'

[Jimbuna]

^:har:

[BossMark]

I've taught my young son well.

This tea-time, my wife asked him where sausages come from.

"A pig," he answered confidently.

"Very good," she said. "How do you know that?"

"I've just watched you bring them in," he replied.

[BossMark]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?'
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, 'That'll be 10p each, please.'
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40p, please.' They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same.'
'Wow! That's some story!' one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.'
Us Yorkshire folk are not tight fisted :nope: we just like to be careful with our pennies :yep: :haha:

[Jimbuna]

I went on a blind date last night.

"So then, what do you do for a living?" I asked.

"Guess," she giggled.

"Are you a hypnotist?" I said.

"No," she laughed. "Why do you think that?"

"Because my friend told me you were good looking."

[Jimbuna]

Living in Liverpool Halloween is always a stressful time - However this year I have a plan! I have put up a sign on the door saying "Job Centre" that should keep the little buggas away.

[BossMark]

N Power sent me a letter beginning, 'Let us explain why your bills have gone up'.

Not once in two pages did it say, 'Because we're greedy bastards'.

[Jimbuna]

I did something really embarrassing on my blind date last night.

I needed the loo and accidentally walked into the ladies toilets.

Not as embarrassed as her though, she was stuck halfway out the bathroom window.

[BossMark]

Russian premier Vladimir Putin has stated that gay people will be 'welcome' at the Winter Olympics in Sochi.

'The archers will need targets,' he added.

[Jimbuna]

Ever since I gave my uncle a surprise brewery tour for his 50th all my family have turned their back on me.

So he missed one AA meeting. Big deal.

[BossMark]

Yesterday I went into a shop today to buy a Dracula costume.

The girl tried to sell me a Manchester United shirt.

I said, "I think you misheard me", I said "I wanted to look like a Count!"

[Jimbuna]

As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look terrible."

"Last night was crazy." I replied.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.

"No, she was out."

[BossMark]

US Secretary of State John Kerry has admitted that in some cases, US spying has gone too far.

As he emerged from a locker in the girls changing room.

[Jimbuna]

Being married I've discovered that money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

[kranz]

A true story which took place last Sunday.

We are having a lecture with a 65 year-old Professor of Law when suddenly the Professor asks: 'Does anyone have a pendrive?'

A girl sitting in my row raises her hand and gives her USB to the Professor.
'I will copy a few bills concerning labor law and tax regulations', says the Professor.

The Professor inserts the USB and stares at his laptop.
After a minute or two, the Professor says: 'I have a question to the lady who gave me the pendrive - it's the F drive, right?'

(IT courses should be mandatory - no hard feelings Jim)

[Jimbuna]

Just wait till I learn how to attach files to emails and add contacts to the address book...then we'll see who's laughing :smug:


:03:

[Jimbuna]

Some people take Halloween so seriously.

Like I was driving past the vets the other day and saw someone even dressed their dog up like a lampshade.

[Jimbuna]

My mate Paddy went on a blind date with a girl last night.

Halfway through the evening, she showed him a photograph and said, "Here are my twins."

"Your twins?" laughed Paddy. "Yeah, right!"

"They are," she said. "Why don't you believe me?"

"I might be Irish, but I'm not stupid," replied Paddy. "They look at least twenty years younger than you."

[Herr-Berbunch]

I just asked a Geordie if he could spell 'yo-yo'.

He said 'Y, I'.

I stopped him there. :nope:

[Jimbuna]

Grimsby Town 0-2 Bath

Two tap ins, apparently.

[Jimbuna]

A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky
new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she says... "Wonderful!"

So being the kind hearted Yorkshireman, he thought

"What the hell, I'll treat her!"

...So they walked past again..........http://forums.diecast-aviation.eu/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[TarJak]

Double glazing is doing great business in Yorkshire in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

[Jimbuna]

^ROFLMAO :har:

[TarJak]

:shucks:

A Yorkshireman dropped a two pence piece in front of a bus. He jumped in front of the vehicle to retrieve his money and was killed outright. As he was only twenty years of age there was a post mortem examination carried out - revealing he'd died of natural causes.

[BossMark]

Hmm take the piss out of Yorkshire is :D we are not tight but very careful with our pennies :yep:

[BossMark]

Australia has just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.

Government sources suggest around 60,000.

Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the buggers.

[TarJak]

A Yorkshireman is working at a sewerage works. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!

He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "Noa bonnie lad t' jacket's ruined"
He replies "Yes I kna bur uz sandwiches are int' pcoket."

[Jimbuna]

The British Medical Association has now classified Obesity as a disease.

So I bought my Wife a Get Well Soon card.

[TarJak]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

"He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix.

The guitar owner pays up the $50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis.

The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.

Then a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

[Jimbuna]

Protect your kids this Bonfire Night from fireworks by storing them in a tin..

Just don't tell the NSPCC and remember to put some holes in the tin lid so they can breath.

[BossMark]

When my wife came in from work I flung my arms around her.
"Thank God you're safe!"
"What's brought this on?" She asked, puzzled.
"I heard that a cow was causing chaos on the M62 and just made the assumption that you'd broken down."

[Jimbuna]

My pet lion refuses to mate.

Perhaps he's afraid of being labeled a 'Sexual Predator'.

[BossMark]

I made a meal for my 8 year old today and he said it was the most delicious meal he'd ever had.


It was only a cheese sandwich but my wife normally feeds him.

[Jimbuna]

"Where you going to pal?" asked the taxi driver,

"It's a couple of miles down this road," I said,

"You want to indicate left after the shop."

"Whereabouts is that?" he asked.

"It's that little stick on the left side of your steering wheel."

[Jimbuna]

I took my new girlfriend to my house last night and she accidentally walked into my parents bedroom while looking for the bathroom. Upon her return she whispered, "Why do your mum and dad sleep in separate beds?"

"I don't know" I replied, "I think it's a space thing."

"Don't be so ridiculous" she replied, "I've seen loads of people on earth that do it."

[BossMark]

"Is it Roger Daltrey?"

"No."

"Is it Keith Moon?"

"No."

"Is it Pete Townshend?"

"No."

"Is it John Entwistle?"

"Yes."

"Dad, I don't think this is the proper version of Guess Who."

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "You're home from work early."

I said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is I've been promoted."

"That's brilliant," she beamed. "What's the bad news?"

"I was dancing around celebrating my promotion when Dave sacked me on the spot."

"What the hell for?" she asked.

"Playing Football Manager at work."

[BossMark]

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be bloody hilarious

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying that the pubs in Glasgow are rough but it's the only city I've seen where a fight breaks out in the car park and the landlord orders them to take it inside.

[Jimbuna]

I got my camera out when I spotted my 19-year-old next door neighbour washing the family car dressed only in a bikini.

He'll never live this down.

[BossMark]

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

[Jimbuna]

I invented a device that religiously records every single thing you see, say and do throughout your life in minute detail. The idea being that you can look back at how dull and boring it is and then do something to improve it.

Then I found out Facebook had beaten me to it.

[Armistead]

Your fat jokes are really getting me in trouble...

got any more

[BossMark]

I took a girl back to my place last night.

As we got to my front door, I gave her a cheeky smile and said, "You won't be able to walk in the morning."

She said, "I know, can you help me up the step with this wheelchair?"

[Jimbuna]

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.

"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.

"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.

"Salad tastes nice."

[Jimbuna]

I see it, is she about to throw her mobile at you? :)

[Armistead]

I see it, is she about to throw her mobile at you? :)

Haha, well, I didn't post that one on her FB and even removed it, cuz she might scan the threads when I leave PC open....

I might want sum this weekend....

[TarJak]

A Consultant Heart Surgeon at the Freeman Hospital arrives at Geordie’s bed & draws the curtain
“How are you doing Mr Smith?”, he asks Geordie
“Wey not to bad Doctor ye knaa, cannit grumble”
“Well I suppose you could Mr Smith, I have been looking at your latest test results and you have a tremedous amount of damage to the arteries supplying blood to your heart, can I ask if you smoke?”
“Wey ah have a couple a day ye knaa, nee more than 2 packets of backy a week though”
“I see, and how long have you been smoking”, asked the consultant
“Wey about 60 years now like”, replied Geordie
“So you started when you were were about 1 then” replied the consultant wryly
“Nah Man Doctor ye cheeky bugger ! … I was at least ten or eleven like”

[BossMark]

I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time.

Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you"?

[Jimbuna]

I'm having my kitchen refitted at the moment, so I'm having to survive on fast food and takeaways.

So far I've had McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, KFC, Indian, Chinese and a pizza.

Good job it's only taking a day, otherwise It'd cost me a fortune.

[BossMark]

I'm in the dog house again.

My wife said, "All of the crockery is broken, what did you do with it?"

I replied, "1200 spin, 90 degrees, cotton wash

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese neighbor told me he'd just opened a "Crows shop"
I said "Don't you mean a clothes shop?"
He said "A Crows shop!"
I said "OK, I might pop down for a Rook

[BossMark]

I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me to a place fifty miles away.

When we arrived, I got him to sit for an hour with the engine running, then told him to take me home.
When we got back he asked, "What was the purpose of that journey?"

I replied, "It was just cheaper than sitting in the house with the heating on."

[Jimbuna]

I've put on tons of weight since my wife and I separated.

My friends are concerned that my excessive eating is an emotional response.

They're right, I'm absolutely delighted to be eating good food again.

[BossMark]

"Oh my God," she panicked, "That's my husband. Quick! If he sees us together he'll kill you. Hide in the wardrobe."

Christ, I thought as I got in, this man must be insanely jealous if he can't even bear to see his wife talking to a sales assistant in the bedroom department of Ikea.

[Jimbuna]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer is sent to a jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the traditional courtesies (cucumber sandwiches washed down by gin and tonic), the retiring colonel says: ''You must meet my right-hand man, Captain Dithers. His talent is simply boundless.''

Dithers is summoned and the new CO is soon stunned to be introduced to a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity - no more than 90 centimetres tall - with wildly crossed eyes and ears that droop to his shoulders.

''Dithers, old man,'' the old colonel says, ''tell your new CO about yourself.''

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a silver medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …''

''Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that Dithers,'' the colonel interrupts impatiently. ''The CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get stuffed.''

[BossMark]

My mate said, "If when you were born and there was an envelope with the exact time and date of when you would die, what would you do?"

I said, "bugger all. I can't read it!"

[Jimbuna]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

[BossMark]

"I'm quite an expert at mathematics," said my new blonde girlfriend.

"Oh really?" I said,"Explain symmetry then."

"That's the place where my granddad and nan are buried." she replied.

[Jimbuna]

I was hit in the face with a TV control today

It wasn't even remotely funny...

[AVGWarhawk]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer is sent to a jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the traditional courtesies (cucumber sandwiches washed down by gin and tonic), the retiring colonel says: ''You must meet my right-hand man, Captain Dithers. His talent is simply boundless.''

Dithers is summoned and the new CO is soon stunned to be introduced to a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity - no more than 90 centimetres tall - with wildly crossed eyes and ears that droop to his shoulders.

''Dithers, old man,'' the old colonel says, ''tell your new CO about yourself.''

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a silver medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …''

''Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that Dithers,'' the colonel interrupts impatiently. ''The CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get stuffed.''


:har:

[AVGWarhawk]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

[Jimbuna]

Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit.

He's 7' 2" now

[TarJak]

"I'm quite an expert at mathematics," said my new blonde girlfriend.

"Oh really?" I said,"Explain symmetry then."

"That's the place where my granddad and nan are buried." she replied.

She sounds like a kiwi

[Armistead]

Next time you're having sex with your significant other, stop right in the middle of it.When she asks what you're doing say, "Shhh...I saw this in a porno once. It's called buffering."

[Jimbuna]

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

[BossMark]

So there I was just standing around, minding my own business - when a guy in a high-vis jacket and hard-hat handed me a cup of tea.


He must have mistaken me for one of his colleagues.

[AVGWarhawk]

Next time you're having sex with your significant other, stop right in the middle of it.When she asks what you're doing say, "Shhh...I saw this in a porno once. It's called buffering."

:har::har::har:

[BossMark]

I went into this posh pub in a pair of filthy overalls and this snotty barman said to me,

"I'm sorry, you can't come in here dressed like that."

"OK ," I replied as I left "fix your own bloody heating then."

[Jimbuna]

E. L. James, creator of "50 Shades of Grey", is now the world's best-paid author.

In other news, J. K. Rowling announces her next book: "Harry Potter & the bedroom of pain".

[BossMark]

This big lifeguard at the local pool shouted, "Hey, you can't dive in there!"

"Oh yeah," I replied, "what's going to stop me?"

"The bottom of the shallow end," he said.

[Armistead]

I thought I deserved a gift for myself, so I went shopping today. I looked for hours and finally found what I was looking for..

http://i651.photobucket.com/albums/uu235/Armistead1424/Armistead1424047/1456709_743247602356707_892172710_n_zpsc31ef121.jp g

A new pair of hand grips...

[Jimbuna]

"Parker."
"Yes me lady".
"Take off my dress."
"Yes me lady".
"Parker."
"Yes me lady".
"Take off my bra."
"Yes me lady".
"Parker".
"Yes me lady".
"Take off my knickers"
"Yes me lady"
"And Parker".
"Yes me lady".
"Don't ever wear them again".
"Yes me lady".

[BossMark]

I had my eyes tested today.

Afterwards, the doctor said, "Your eyes are in perfect condition."

"Really?" I replied, pulling out a picture of my wife. "Then how do you explain this?"

[Herr-Berbunch]

I first met my wife in 1993, here I am 20 years later, married, kids, house, cat - and she's still fuming with me for using her toothbrush.

So can anyone recommend something else to get the dog muck off the soul of my shoe?

[BossMark]

A Bentley just pulled up outside my house and a man in a sharp suit got out and came to the door.

I said "Have I won the Pools?"

"No" he replied "I'm just here to read your gas meter"

[Jimbuna]

My neighbour rang the bell this morning.
"You couldn't give us a lift to work could you? The front wheel just fell off my car."
"Not again!" I said.

It's a nightmare living next door to a clown.

[BossMark]

I'm surprised that the BBC are allowed anywhere near children in need.

[Jimbuna]

The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably...


I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.

[BossMark]

I'm sick of seeing harrowing images of a nation decimated by hurricane winds and to be honest, there's no way of helping those primitive natives.

The sooner Scotland gains independence the bloody better.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently the diarrhoea I suffer with is hereditary...

It runs in the family.

[BossMark]

Yes, One Direction ARE Children in Need...

...of a good kick in the balls.

[Jimbuna]

I was talking to my mate down the pub last night about my new Thai wife.

"So," he said with a grin,"How did you meet?"

"Well I didn't buy her if that's what you're thinking! What kind of man do you think I am?" I replied.

"Sorry mate, I didn't mean to offend you. So how did you really meet?"

"I won her in a card game," I said.

[BossMark]

For Prince Charles to get a proper job, his mother is going to have to die.

Now, if only he knew somebody with a history of killing off troublesome royal women ...

[Jimbuna]

Prince Charles has officially reached retirement age.

Now he can spend all his time whingeing about the youth of today, messing about doing nothing of value, and living off a handout from the state.

That'll be a nice change for him, won't it?

[Wolferz]

Oh Cod! Royal carpet bombing!:nope:

I wish we had a head of state to crack jokes about.

Obamacare diet...
http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb295/Wolferz_2007/t-rex-wendys.jpg

No unhingeable jaw? Get a blender... and a funnel.

[Jimbuna]

My wife isn't as hot as she used to be.

I've turned the oven down while I prepare the vegetables.

[Sailor Steve]

That's what happens when you get married.

She goes from hot to warm to cool to cold to frigid.

[BossMark]

American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for thousands of years.

Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman is confident he can teach them some words.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is fond of pointing out that women can multi-task and men can't.

So she really should stop complaining about working full-time and doing all the housework.

[BossMark]

'I'm a Celebrity' is actually just reliving British history- sending the most hated people in the country away to a camp in Australia

[Jimbuna]

Google have banned 200 terms from their search engine in a bid to combat child porn..

These terms include, BBC, Priests, and Thailand.

[BossMark]

Young people nowadays moan about having to work long hours for a pittance, but they don't know the half of it.

When I worked on the railways in the early 1940s, I put in 18 hours every day and got paid nothing. And I never complained once.

If I had, the Japs would have shot me.

[Jimbuna]

England beating Germany tonight.

[Jimbuna]

I think it's a shame that young people today no longer even know why we celebrate Halloween.

None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn't slain that giant pumpkin.

[Sailor Steve]

...if Jesus hadn't slain that giant pumpkin.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooo"
-Linus van Pelt

[Jimbuna]

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooo"
-Linus van Pelt

I've a feeling I'm going to learn something here :hmmm::)

[Sailor Steve]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Pumpkin

[Jimbuna]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Pumpkin

Yep, I'm right as usual...I learned something :)

[TarJak]

Can't believe you hadn't heard of Charles M Schulz best character.

[AVGWarhawk]

I've a feeling I'm going to learn something here :hmmm::)

:haha:

It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

[Jimbuna]

Can't believe you hadn't heard of Charles M Schulz best character.

Nope...sheltered upbringing :smug:

[Armistead]

My step mother is 86, has had both breast removed, course frail and uses a walker. I go there almost weekly now to deal with her and my father, both with numerous health issues. I have to do their grocery shopping when there and have to get my step mother Depends underwear. I made the mistake of asking her

do you need any Depends diapers..?

I'm her meanest voice

"I don't wear diapers, they're underwear"

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x56/Aieshava/uwearExtra_270x196_US.jpg (http://media.photobucket.com/user/Aieshava/media/uwearExtra_270x196_US.jpg.html)

[Sailor Steve]

When you have nothing left, you try to salvage what little pride you can. Trust me on this.

[Herr-Berbunch]

'Ull, UK City of Culture 2017.

:har:

[TarJak]

Nope...sheltered upbringing :smug:

Sheltered workshop more like :p

[BossMark]

'Ull, UK City of Culture 2017.

:har:
Oh yes got to be the joke of the year:haha:

[Lord_magerius]

"Busty Serbian politician causing uproar after racy photos appear in tabloid."

That's nothing Serbia, you should see the pair of tits we voted in to run the government in the UK.

[Jimbuna]

'Ull, UK City of Culture 2017.

:har:

Oh yes got to be the joke of the year:haha:

Not as bad as Liverpool in 2008 :)

[Jimbuna]

My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a drunken slob.

[BossMark]

As I snuggled up to this woman I met in the pub, I said, "We can have some alone time now. I've put your kids to sleep."

"How did you do it so quickly?," she asked.

"It wasn't too difficult," I replied, "I'm a vet."

[Jimbuna]

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

[BossMark]

Three women freed from a couple's house after 30 years

The Government act swiftly

The couple will be now charged bedroom tax from tomorrow

[Jimbuna]

B&Q have formed a football team. They drew with Stalybridge Celtic at the weekend.

From what I've gathered they didn't have a great team out but they had a fantastic bench.

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting on the bus when the Grim Reaper appeared out of nowhere.

"Your time has come," he said.

"This must be a mistake!" I exclaimed, "I'm still young and healthy!"

"No it's not a mistake," he said, as he pointed towards the female bus driver.

[BossMark]

My wife's been leaving me messages all day saying she's in casualty.

Well I hope she gets home soon, it starts in 10 minutes.

[BossMark]

Why would anyone waste £14.95 on the Carl Froch vs George Groves fight on a saturday night?

You could go and wait in Newcastle Town Centre to see pretty much the same thing for free.

[Jimbuna]

I've just opened a sports themed pub called 'The Gym'

That way no guy will ever have to lie to his wife about where he was at.

[BossMark]

Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I've been feeling pretty lonely at times.
Last night it came to a head, lying naked and horny in bed I did something I haven't needed to do for quite a long time.
I rolled over and cuddled the wife.

[Jimbuna]

I don't know why people are so afraid of being decapitated.

It's a massive weight off one's shoulders.

[BossMark]

When I was a kid I used to hide a knife under my pillow after watching a scary movie just in case....now I am an adult I still take a knife to bed with me just in case the wife tries to have sex with me.

[Jimbuna]

I invited my American mate to the opening of my WW2 themed pub.

He was late.

[BossMark]

I'm sure my wife's got Alzheimer's.

That's three nights on the trot she's gone out with her mates and forgot to come home until the morning.

[GoldenRivet]

I invited my American mate to the opening of my WW2 themed pub.

He was late.

Indeed he was, held up no doubt by a nagging wife.

But you can rest assured, you and him both were still there long after the place closed and everyone else went home.

[Jimbuna]

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."

[BossMark]

"Did daddy take you to the circus?" asked my wife.

"Yes he did," replied my 8 year old son.

"How was it?" she asked again.

"It was good," he replied, "Full of ladies circling around poles."

[Schroeder]

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
That joke has been around here for years but it used Hitler instead of Beckham and a pig instead of a cow.:D

[BossMark]

When I got home from the pub last night,I said to my wife,"Before you say anything,I don't have a drinking problem so you might as well just give it a rest."

"Mark,you've had enough.Let me call you a cab mate," replied the barman.

[Jimbuna]

The SNP has stated today that every Scot would be six hundred pounds a year better off in an independent Scotland.

Or as it's been promoted north of the border...an extra 1300 units of alcohol.

[Admiral Halsey]

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

[Jimbuna]

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?"

"Let me guess," she sighed, "Your bedroom floor?"

"No," I replied, "A better-looking girl."

[BossMark]

A wolf is on the loose in Essex after escaping from Colchester Zoo.

He's in for a treat, plenty of mutton dressed as lamb down there.

[Jimbuna]

The hardest part of Joeys bush tucker trial on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, is counting out the stars at the end.

[Jimbuna]

I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery For Beginners' class.

"Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me.

[BossMark]

Just been watching some ladies golf on the TV.

They're useless at driving, but bloody amazing with an iron.

[Jimbuna]

As the last of a pack of escaped Wolves is shot dead in Essex, locals breathe a massive sigh of relief at hearing that their houses will definitely not be blown down.

[Jimbuna]

Today's my last chance to sign up for either the demolition course or the building course at college.

It really is make or break.

[Herr-Berbunch]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high!!"




Come on ...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story... did you????

[Jimbuna]

My wife has been having a go at me for leaving a rusty old car on our driveway for over a year.

Now she has said, "Until you get rid of it there is no more sex".

Does anyone want to buy a 1994 Ford Fiesta, no MOT, no Tax, 134,500 miles, £18,000 O.N.O.

[BossMark]

I was getting a lap dance off a stripper.

I said, "I'll give you £20 if you to come back to my place for a kiss and a cuddle."

"It'll have to be more than that!" she replied.

I said, "Okay. What about sex?"

[Jimbuna]

I bought the Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

You don't open the doors.

[BossMark]

The Scottish national party have said that If Scotland gets independence it will want the following.

To keep the Pound
To keep the monarchy
To keep BBC programmes.

That's like divorcing the wife but telling her you'll be home for tea at night and still expect sex.

[Jimbuna]

Secret tips to increase muscle growth by 127% ??
Psssst... Photoshop.
Don't tell anyone!

[BossMark]

As I watched my wife walk onto the motorway into the path of oncoming traffic, I was powerless to stop her.

After all, they tell you should never wake someone who is sleepwalking.


(http://www.sickipedia.org/joke/view/sex-and-****/wife-1532164#)


(http://www.sickipedia.org/joke/view/sex-and-****/wife-1532164#)

[Jimbuna]

Call centres are like Windows.

They say that they're finding a solution to my problem but in the end they do nothing at all.

[Armistead]

I blew it again. My wife came home and found me in bed with a naked woman....started yelling and screaming. I asked her why she was so mad, reminded her just the other night she woke me up saying she was miserable and that we needed a new mistriss, in which she replied " Idiot, I said a new mattress."

[Jimbuna]

I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today.

I bet it's early-onset Alzheimer's.

[BossMark]

I tell people I've got one of those pressure cookers at home.

It sounds better than saying I'm a henpecked husband.

[kranz]

this is not a joke as such, found this on a Polish board...
http://www.boredpanda.com/americans-place-european-countries-on-map/
(Americans asked to name European countries :timeout:)
(if this is a re-post, banish me to the US or better - sentence me to death)

[Jimbuna]

After 17 job interviews, and still no job,

I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.

[BossMark]

I get so nervous meeting the parents of my new girlfriends, I normally get dumped shortly after. One of them said it was because I always insist on doing my party trick to break the ice.

But it cant be that, all my mates crack up when I light my own farts.

[Jimbuna]

Every morning this week I've looked out my living room window and there's been a German shepherd taking a crap on my lawn. This morning I looked out and the cheeky bugga had only gone and brought his dog with him.

[Sailor Steve]

banish me to the US or better - sentence me to death
:rotfl2: :yeah:

[Jimbuna]

I was chatting up this blonde woman from Essex.
I asked her age, she said, "Ha, that's my secret."
"Secret" I replied, "Women are useless at keeping secrets."
She looked at me and smiled, "You reckon? well I've kept it secret for the last 30 years."

[BossMark]

I hear that, on X Factor, you can now download the tracks sung by the contestants.

Sorry, but I'd rather download an attached file from my new friend in Nigeria..

[Jimbuna]

I got a visit for the CID today, they said that thermal imaging photography had identified a huge heat source coming from the attic, and believe I am growing cannabis.

No such luck I replied, the mother-in-law has moved in.

[Aktungbby]

Never play cards in the SERENGETI; There are too many Cheetahs!:nope:

[Jimbuna]

It's quite ironic the kkk are racist..


They all look the same to me.

[Aktungbby]

It's quite ironic the kkk are racist they all look the same to me.

Yup, three sheets to the wind and holier than thou...:O:

[Moonlight]

American Football and the Blonde
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the the best -- because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[BossMark]

Following Tom Daley admitting he's gay, rumours are rife that his boyfriend is a fellow Olympian.

My money's on Fatima Whitbread.

[Jimbuna]

A dancer at the Bolshoi ballet has been convicted of throwing acid in the face of the company's artistic director.

Police believe the man may have struck before, as it has emerged he once worked with Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[AVGWarhawk]

Myself and my wife have been married for over 18 years now and we have had two very beautiful daughters. But I've always wanted a son and after trying for a incredibly long time, we succeeded and my wife became pregnant. Nine months later and I'm rushing to the hospital after hearing my wife was going into labor. When I got into the delivery room I was staring at the ugliest child I had ever seen. I shouted at my wife, "Have you been screwing another man?"She replied with a smirk, "Not this time".

[Jimbuna]

^ :):yeah:

[Armistead]

Myself and my wife have been married for over 18 years now and we have had two very beautiful daughters. But I've always wanted a son and after trying for a incredibly long time, we succeeded and my wife became pregnant. Nine months later and I'm rushing to the hospital after hearing my wife was going into labor. When I got into the delivery room I was staring at the ugliest child I had ever seen. I shouted at my wife, "Have you been screwing another man?"She replied with a smirk, "Not this time".

Yea, when my son was born I looked at my wife and told her "you just gave birth to a blue lizard." Thankfully he changed colors soon after...

[Herr-Berbunch]

Britain's No1 diver has announced that he is gay.....


Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time.



(And is it me or is Tom the only one surprised that he's gay?) :hmm2:

[Jimbuna]

When asked what they wanted for Christmas ' eight of ten guests on the Jeremy Kyle show said their two front teeth.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "I don't know what I'd say if you ever won the lottery."

I said, "Oh, there's three little words that spring to mind."

She said, "I love you?"

I said, "No... where's he gone?"

[AVGWarhawk]

Yea, when my son was born I looked at my wife and told her "you just gave birth to a blue lizard." Thankfully he changed colors soon after...


My brother's statement to his wife after his first child was born, "She is white, I'm half way there." (true story)

He has since divorced. :haha:

[BossMark]

"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.

"Yes." he replied.

I said, "Can you carry mine for me?"

He said, "Sure."

As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."

"I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."

[Jimbuna]

I couldn't believe it when my wife went to a fancy dress party dressed up as a can of pet food.

She was done up like a dog's dinner.

[AVGWarhawk]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his member into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong,Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my member into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't ' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.''No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh... she got fired too.'

[AVGWarhawk]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Jimbuna]

My lazy son asked me to do his homework but make it look like he's done it, so I agreed.

I didn't bother doing it.

[Moonlight]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands".
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Johnny said: "Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying Oh God! I'm coming! If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

[BossMark]

I stabbed and battered a traffic warden to death who was wrongly trying to put a ticket on my car. The judge said it was a truly horrendous act and could not understand how such an evil person is allowed to walk the streets, before releasing me with an apology.

[kranz]

I stabbed and battered a traffic warden to death who was wrongly trying to put a ticket on my car. The judge said it was a truly horrendous act and could not understand how such an evil person is allowed to walk the streets, before releasing me with an apology.

:har::up:

[Jimbuna]

We've called our new baby George - not to follow the precedent set by the royal couple, but because the little bugga was conceived in the clothes aisle of the local Asda.

[BossMark]

A bloke goes into a chemist and says "Have you got any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"Do you mean aspirin" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it! I can never remember the name!"

[Jimbuna]

My daughter has reached the stage in her development that all fathers struggle to cope with.

She's learning to talk.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I've had enough of Christmas. All I do is work, work, work to get enough money to buy the kids what they want and all the credit goes to the fat one with a beard.

Still, my fault for marrying her.

[Jimbuna]

My memory is not one of my strongest points.

And neither is my memory.

[BossMark]

People seem shocked that
1. Nelson Mandela died aged 95
2. Tom Daley is queer
3. England probably won't win the World Cup.
I'm thinking of becoming a fortune teller.

[Jimbuna]

Just bought a Michael Caine voice inspired advent calendar

Opened the first flap and the whole thing exploded in my hand

It then said "you only had to blow the bloody doors off"

[BossMark]

I've bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from 'Troys R Us

[Jimbuna]

I saw my mate walking down the street hand in hand with some fat girl this afternoon.

I asked him, "Is she your girlfriend?"

Smiling, he said, "What gave it away?"

I replied, "A zoo, by the looks of it."

[BossMark]

A race to the South Pole featuring Prince Harry has been abandoned due to harsh conditions.
Apparently It's snowing and a bit cold!

[Jimbuna]

Boris Johnson has caused controversy by asking, "What should be done with the percentage of the population with an IQ of less than 85?"

I've got an idea. Let's round them all up and stick them in one place.

Then call it the Houses of Parliament.

[fireftr18]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

[Jimbuna]

Marriage is a workshop, where the husband works and the wife shops.

[BossMark]

I have discovered a cure for premature ejaculation. It's a long winded process but it does work.

Twenty years of marriage.

[Jimbuna]

"Let me guess,you're a massive Man U supporter," said this hot bird as I walked in wearing my Man U cap.

"I wouldn't say massive," I said sheepishly.

"You are clearly obese mate," she insisted as she strolled away.

[Jimbuna]

The World's Oldest Man has died at the age of 113.

This keeps happening - I think the title must be jinxed.

[BossMark]

It was heartbreaking, driving my wife home from hospital following her emergency hysterectomy.


Not a cobbled street bloody anywhere.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the MP cross the road?

I don't know, but he claimed 80 quid expenses for the journey.

[swamprat69er]

Why did the MP cross the road?

I don't know, but he claimed 80 quid expenses for the journey.
Sounds like your M.P.s' are just as crooked as our M.P.s:yep:

[Jimbuna]

As if that were possible :)

[BossMark]

"Darling," I said to my ex-wife. "Despite our differences, I can honestly say that, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be the man I am today.

"Bastard!" she replied, kicking my begging bowl over.

[Jimbuna]

A man who climbed into the lions enclosure at Chester Zoo last night, was torn apart.

RIP