The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

My wife said last night, "Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?"

I replied, "Yes I know, I'm getting ready now"

"That sounds like her car pulling up outside"

"No, that's my taxi, see you later"

[BossMark]

A convicted drug dealer is in prison, and his father, an old farmer, comes to visit. His father explains that they are having problems."Son, the ground is frozen. It is too hard for me to dig myself at my age, but I can"t afford extra men or to hire machines- I don"t think we will be able to plant crops this year, which will mean we will go bankrupt and lose the farm."Later the prisoner goes back to his cell and writes a letter to his father- " Dear Father, please be aware that a good friend of mine will be visiting soon. There is a large quantity of stuff he is collecting. It is hidden on the farm, he will know exactly what to do." Some weeks later the prisoner"s father comes to visit. "Well, son, your friend never showed up, but before I even got your letter the police came round, searched the whole house and dug up all the land around, but they didn"t find anything." The prisoner smiles, " Happy planting, dad."

[Jimbuna]

I'm going to make a fortune.
I've just found Michael Jackson's other glove.

[BossMark]

Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visiting the sperm bank in London.
Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

[Jimbuna]

THE CHAVS PRAYER... Our father who art in prison.
Even mum knows not dads name.
Thy chavdom come, you'll read the sun, in Exmouth which is in Devon.
Give us this day our welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO'S as we happy slap those who got ASBO'S against us.
Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing.
For thine is the chavdom, The burberry and The bacardi, Forever and Ever... INNIT

[BossMark]

Two chavs race their Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first.
Who wins?
Society.

[Jimbuna]

Q) What do you call a chav in a suit?
A) The accused

[BossMark]

Two chavs are in a car, and no music is playing.
Who"s driving? The police.

[frau kaleun]

When she got the call on Sunday afternoon that her elderly grandpa had passed away, Katie drove straight to grandma's house to comfort the grieving widow. After a while she turned to the old woman and asked, "How did he pass, Grandma? Did he go peacefully in his sleep?"

"Well, no, not really," Grandma answered. "We were in bed this morning making love, just like always, and he had a heart attack and died."

Somewhat horrified by this revelation, Katie tried to hide her dismay and tactfully pointed out that for two 90+ seniors to be engaging in something as strenuous as sex on a regular basis was just asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "We knew many years ago that we needed to slow things down a bit. That's when we realized that the best time for us was on Sunday mornings, when the church bells started ringing. They have just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, you see, just in on the 'ding' and out on the 'dong' and your grandpa always did just fine."

The old woman paused to wipe away a tear. "Your grandpa was a good man, and a strong man," she continued, patting Katie tenderly on the knee. "He'd probably still be alive right now if that bloody ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Jimbuna]

I asked a girl in the office, "Do you ever sit at home at night and get the feeling you're being watched?"

She said, "I do actually! Why do you ask?"

"No reason," I said, as I scribbled, 'Need better camouflage' on a post it note.

[BossMark]

I called up the AA the other day and asked them to bring a tow truck to my house, they turned up and said,
"So, where you want this car taken, the garage?" I replied,
"No, just down to the offices opposite the train station thanks."
They looked bemused and asked, "Why you want us to take a broken down car there?"
I replied, "Oh it"s not broken down, I just thought this would be cheaper than buying petrol."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend said, "I've made a list of the things I want for Christmas."

"Ok, lets hear it."

"I want a new kitchen, a new bathroom suite, and some shopping vouchers."

"In that case, all I want this year is a ski mask and the floor plan of the local bank."

[BossMark]

What came first, the chicken or the egg?...
Neither.No-one came until the rooster did.

[Jimbuna]

The president of Fifa, Sepp Blatter, has come under more criticism about goal-line technology, this time from his wife.

She said, "It doesn't surprise me, I've been asking him for years whether it was in or not."

[BossMark]

A Geordie and a mackem get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the Mackem says, "so you"re a Geordie, that"s interesting. I"m a Sunderland fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There"s nothing left but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."The Geordie replied, "I totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Geordie went on, "and look at this - here"s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn"t break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"He hands the bottle to the Mackem who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Geordie. The Geordie takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Mackem. The Mackem asks, "aren"t you having any?"The Geordie replies, "nah...I think I"ll just wait for the police......"

[Sailor Steve]

Oh, that's evil.

Gotta love it! :sunny:

[Herr-Berbunch]

That one even had it's own thread!

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=147309

:O:

[BossMark]

A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?"
Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today."
So the man orders some,
The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."

[Jimbuna]

That one even had it's own thread!

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=147309

:O:

Well spotted....SMB!! :DL

Sepp Blatter looked gutted announcing the World Cup Bid Winner just now.

There was no money in the envelope.

[Sailor Steve]

Late one night a cop is patrolling Lover's Lane. He comes upon a car with an unusual sight: In the front seat is a man reading a book. In the back is a young woman, apparently painting her toenails.

The officer taps on the window. When the man rolls down the window he asks "What's going on here?"

The man answers "I'm reading a book. She's doing whatever women do in the back seat - I didn't ask."

The cop asks "How old are you?"

The man says "I'm twenty-two." He then looks at his watch and says "In about ten minutes she'll be eighteen."

[BossMark]

I was booking in my luggage at Heathrow and said to the booking desk girl, "can you send one of my suitcases to Rome,
one to Paris and one to Madrid please?"
"I"m sorry sir, I"m afraid we can"t do that," she replied.
"Why not? You managed it last bloody year."

[Jimbuna]

I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. This really brought home to me the horror of the situation. That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need.

[BossMark]

A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?
"The hostage replies, "Yes."The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.He turns to the next man.
"And did you see my face?""No, but my wife did!"

[Platapus]

These two atoms were talking. The first one says "I think I lost an electron"

The second one said "Are you positive?"

[BossMark]

My girlfriend said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom.
So now the bedroom has Sky Sports, a fridge full of beer and she sleeps on the couch.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: "Can I have a word with you? It's about your test results."

Patient: "Yeah, I have a minute."

Doctor: "No you don't."

[BossMark]

Isn"t America wonderful? You can get married and have children aged 16, you can join the army and kill people aged 18...
But you need to be 21 in order to rent porn or buy beer, because you aren"t considered "emotionally mature" until that age.

[Jimbuna]

Two cannibals were eating a clown, one turns to the other and says..

Does this taste funny to you?

[BossMark]

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.Finally, he says, "Well, I don"t know about related, but it sure would make us even.

[Sailor Steve]

Isn"t America wonderful? You can get married and have children aged 16, you can join the army and kill people aged 18...
But you need to be 21 in order to rent porn or buy beer, because you aren"t considered "emotionally mature" until that age.
That's a joke? Actually your comment on the army was said by Barry McGuire in his song 'Eve of Destruction' way back in 1964. :sunny:

[Jimbuna]

Masochist: Hurt Me!
Sadist: No.

[chrysanthos]

karl sorry to say this but both ships are crashing to desktop....see you in skype for more details....i mean for tenesee and west virginia

[Jimbuna]

Pardon? :hmmm:

[BossMark]

Apparently, the Queen has reconciled her differences with Camilla Parker Bowles.
She has even offered Camilla an all expenses paid trip to Paris with a car and chauffeur.

[Jimbuna]

I used to have a job crushing sprite and fanta cans. It was soda pressing.

[BossMark]

I"ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for £50.
Is that 2 deer?

[Jimbuna]

Police in Leeds have picked up on Twitter and other social networks that looting will be organized for this evening in the Town. A corden has been set up to protect the POUND SHOP.

[BossMark]

Paddy was a bit warm one night in bed, so his wife told him,
"When I"m hot, I use the other side of the pillow".
Sadly, Paddy died of suffocation a few minutes later.

[Jimbuna]

I went into Subway today and asked for their biggest, greasiest, most expensive sub.

They gave me an 'Andy Carroll'.

[BossMark]

A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don"t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT?"The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can"t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don"t even play tennis but, okay, if you like it then let"s get it."The wife is jumping up and down, she"s so excited - she cannot believe what is going on. She says, "I"m ready to go, let"s go to the cash register."The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we"re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife"s face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while"Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

[Jimbuna]

I have a third party, fire and theft policy.

My niece will always remember her third birthday.

[BossMark]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Joneses sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:

Most of them are good, but that's exceptional! :rock:

[Jimbuna]

An Irishman is walking down the road and sees a hat on the pavement. "Help! Help!" comes a voice from the hat.

He lifts it up and sees a frog sitting there. "Thank you so much for rescuing me!" says the grateful frog. "For your kindness, I can grant you one wish"

"You must think I'm stupid," says the Irishman, kicking the frog into the road. "I'm just going to keep this talking hat."

[BossMark]

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

[Platapus]

I have CDO. It is like OCD but the letters are in order... as they need to be.

[Jimbuna]

During our day at the lake, my mate asked, "What's the biggest fish you've ever caught?"

"Have you ever seen the film Jaws?"

"Yeah."

"Well it was about the same size as the box the DVD comes in."

[Jimbuna]

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

[Platapus]

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

A pun at maturity is fully groan. But that one hurt. :up:

[BossMark]

I came home last week and said to the wife,
"I"ve heard the milkman has slept with every woman in this street but one."She replied,
"God, I bet it"s that stuck up bitch from number 20!"

[BossMark]

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex and ran from the room. The father jumped up and ran to calm him down. The little boy said, "I don"t like ya doing that, it scares me and it sounds like mummy is getting hurt!"The dad assured the little boy that mummy was not being hurt and said, "we are making you a baby brother so you will have someone to play with."This made the little boy happy and he ran off to go play.The next day, when his dad came home, the little boy was sitting on the front porch crying his eyes out. The dad asked him what was so bad that it made him cry so hard. The little boy replied, "you know that baby brother you and mummy was making me? Well, the milkman ate him this morning!"

[Jimbuna]

Maddie wasn't available to give evidence at the Leveson Inquiry today

She had a Praia engagement.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Maddie wasn't available to give evidence at the Leveson Inquiry today

She had a Praia engagement.

Too soon? :hmmm:




;)

[Jimbuna]

Bob goes into a pet shop looking for something exotic. The sales assistant points out a special offer:

"We have this wonderful Indonesian Dancing Duck."

"Indonesian Dancing Duck?" says Bob. "What on earth is that?"

"Well, it's a special breed of duck. It dances like Fred Astaire. Take a look."

Bob looks over at a tall cage and sure enough he sees the Indonesian Dancing Duck tap-dancing around with astounding agility.

"That's great! Never seen anything like it. I'll take it."

Bob buys the Indonesian Dancing Duck, takes it home and two days later calls the pet shop:

"I just wanted to say that the Indonesian Dancing Duck you sold me is fantastic. It hasn't stopped dancing since I brought it home."

"Well," says the pet shop assistant, "it might need some rest, you know. At night you're supposed to open the drawer underneath the cage and blow out the tea lights."

[BossMark]

At the shopping centre the other day, eating at the food court, an old man sat watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue.The old man"s stare never faltered.
The teenager would look and every time he did so, he found the old man"s eyes fixed on him.Eventually, the teenager had had enough and he asked sarcastically, "What"s the matter with you old man - never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock" he said. "I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Jimbuna]

New York is the city that never sleeps.

I guess that's why the Statue of Liberty has her hand in the air.
She's found her sleeping tablets.

[BossMark]

A man walks into a pub does a triple back flip onto a chair then cartwheels over to the bar and orders a pint of bitter.
A guy standing at the bar says to the barman " Wow that was unusual
"Barman replies " I thought that too, he usually drinks lager ! "

[Jimbuna]

How many von Trapp children does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Sixteen, going on seventeen.

[BossMark]

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I"d like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don"t hire dogs, why don"t you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What the hell would the circus want with a plumber?"

[Jimbuna]

I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife.

Halfway through the flight, a man jumped out of his seat and pulled out a gun.

"This is a hijack!" he screamed. "If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"

My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle.

The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.

Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.

I said, "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour."

After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?"

"No, she was fine," I replied. "I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go."

[BossMark]

What"s the three words you never want to hear while making love?
"Honey, I"m home."

[Jimbuna]

Apparently the looting has now spread to Ireland.
Paddy has now got a smashed screen on his laptop after trying to loot e-bay.
Mick broke into Ladbrookes and lost £50.00

[BossMark]

A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?"The ginger says "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, all made of pure gold" the genie looks at him and says "don"t be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? that"s impossible. pick something else." so the ginger says "I want everyone to stop taking the piss out of my hair colour" the genie says "so this mansion, you want en suite bathrooms?"

[Jimbuna]

How Adam Got Eve
***Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely....
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them...
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib
Of course the rest is history..... ........!! !!

[Jimbuna]

I wouldn't know housekeeping if the iron jumped up and froze my face off.

[BossMark]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighbourhood of £125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a Aston Martin DB7?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

[Jimbuna]

My wife wants to leave me because my whole life revolves around multiple choices.

Should I stop her
Is she overreacting.
Am I overreacting.
Or all of the above.

[BossMark]

my wife asked me to go to the doctors and get something to help us with my sex drive....
You should have seen the look on her face when i handed her some slimming tablets...

[Jimbuna]

I've got a fat friend who says he loves travelling.

...By car to Gregg's.

[BossMark]

A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncle For the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things; chickens, cows, crops, etc. however, it"s obvious the nephew is getting bored so the uncle suggests he goes on a hunt."Why don"t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"This cheers up the nephew and off he goes with the dogs in trail.after a few hours, the nephew returns "Did you enjoy it?" asks the uncle"It was great! got any more dogs?"

[Jimbuna]

To be fair, it needs to stop raining.

[BossMark]

Paddy is walking down the street one night when a hooker approaches him.
"Hey," she says "d"ya fancy a bit of this?"She lifts up her skirt to reveal crotchless knickers and her fanny.
"Sod that!" says paddy. "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?"

[Jimbuna]

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

[BossMark]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why"s the groom wearing black?"

[Jimbuna]

My younger sister came to me and said, ''I don't know what I'd do if I ever saw 'One Direction', I'd probably die! What would you do?''

I replied, ''Life, probably.''

[BossMark]

I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say,
"you"re next."They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.

[Jimbuna]

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No. I'm turning the off the heat."

[BossMark]

Girls:If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don"t call the RSPCA...
He"s just not very good at predictive text.

[Jimbuna]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies", He responded.
"Oh.! Killing any yet?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

[frau kaleun]

Here's one I hadn't heard in a while...

"So a linkspammer walks into a joke thread..."

:O:

[Jimbuna]

I saw a headline on teletext this afternoon, "World of football in a state of shock and disbelief".

For a minute, I thought Heskey had scored.

[Sailor Steve]

Here's one I hadn't heard in a while...

"So a linkspammer walks into a joke thread..."

:O:
:rock: Best post of the thread.

[Onkel Neal]

Here's one I hadn't heard in a while...

"So a linkspammer walks into a joke thread..."

:O:

Wow, that's rare these days, good catch!

[frau kaleun]

I think it was the "my dear BossMark" part that gave it away, because: no. :haha: :O:









J/K BossMark, u r cool in my book! :up:

[BossMark]

I saw a headline on teletext this afternoon, "World of football in a state of shock and disbelief".

For a minute, I thought Heskey had scored.
Or sir complain a lot had said "the referee and his assistants had a good game today"


Thanks Frau Kaleun for the nice comment :salute::salute:

[Jimbuna]

I once put my name and address in a bottle and threw it into the sea.

10 years later I got a letter from someone in Australia.

It's a fine from their government for littering Sydney beach.

[BossMark]

I arrived in Australia after a long hard flight and the man in Passport Control pulled me over."Alright can I check your passport?" PC Shayne said.Knackered and needing sleep I just grunted "yup"PC Shayne took this as rudeness from a Pom and went into overdrive "Alright Mate, have you got a criminal record?"I replied "I did not realise it was mandatory any longer!"I have just been released!

[Herr-Berbunch]

Am I missing something with this linkspammer thing? :doh:


Ladies - the next time your fella texts you and says 'I want to kick your puppy', don't call animal welfare, just teach him how to correctly use predictive text. :O:

[frau kaleun]

Am I missing something with this linkspammer thing? :doh:


There was a spam post just before my "So a linkspammer walks into a joke thread" comment. The spammer was brigged and his post has since been deleted.

[Jimbuna]

I told the Ringmaster of my circus that I was leaving my job as the human cannonball.

"A shame" he said. "Where will I find a man of your calibre?"

[Sailor Steve]

Ladies - the next time your fella texts you and says 'I want to kick your puppy', don't call animal welfare, just teach him how to correctly use predictive text. :O:
See post #1068, previous page.

[Jimbuna]

See post #1068, previous page.

my wife asked me to go to the doctors and get something to help us with my sex drive....
You should have seen the look on her face when i handed her some slimming tablets...

I'm missing something fundamentally obvious here....aren't I? :hmmm:

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

[Herr-Berbunch]

See post #1068, previous page.


1078 :D

Oops, sorry. Shall not do it again! :cry:

[Sailor Steve]

1078 :D
Well, for D'OH's sake! I are NOT drain-bamaged! :rotfl2: :dead:

[BossMark]

I was in the shopping centre this morning when a man approached me, collecting for Alzhiemer"s.
I said, "I"ve already given - don"t you remember?"

[Jimbuna]

I gave up my steam cleaning job.

It was too much pressure.

[BossMark]

A man goes into a bar and approaches a gorgeous young woman who is sitting by herself:Man:
"May I buy you a drink?"Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
"Man: "Im sorry to hear that. Do they swell?
"Woman: "No, they just open..."

[Herr-Berbunch]

I was in the shopping centre this morning when a man approached me, collecting for Alzhiemer"s.
I said, "I"ve already given - don"t you remember?"


True story - my wife and I were walking through a town center and we saw a mob of charity collectors ahead picking out there targets, to avoid being bothered I took my phone out of my pocket and pretended to be engrossed in texting. My wife thought this was a great idea and took out her phone and pretended to be in a call. All was going to plan, but one was watching us as we approached closer.

It was then I dialled my wifes number! :D

She was obviously embarrassed, and I was in stiches (not literally). :rotfl2:

[BossMark]

True story - my wife and I were walking through a town center and we saw a mob of charity collectors ahead picking out there targets, to avoid being bothered I took my phone out of my pocket and pretended to be engrossed in texting. My wife thought this was a great idea and took out her phone and pretended to be in a call. All was going to plan, but one was watching us as we approached closer.

It was then I dialled my wifes number! :D

She was obviously embarrassed, and I was in stiches (not literally). :rotfl2:
Good and funny story :D

[BossMark]

I"m very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes.
Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No, " David says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains David. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What? " asks David, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying David Cameron and was blown up by a bomb and crashed into the sea, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful !" David beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be an accident, you smug bugga."

[BossMark]

A beautiful,young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody"s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I"ll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I"ll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I"ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I"m only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[Jimbuna]

My dad recently threw a cannibals' dinner party, I could see he was struggling to feed all of his guests.

So I gave him a hand.

[Jimbuna]

Fernando Torres has been turned away from the picket line this morning "sorry lad" said one protestor, strikers only.

[BossMark]

Have you heard that Asda and MFI are forming a partnership?
Yeah, I just bought a chicken this morning - its leg fell off!

[Jimbuna]

There is an old saying: 'you cant understand another person's experience until you've walked a mile in their shoes'

Men will never understand women until they start walking in heels.

[BossMark]

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: Dear Santa, Please can you send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother then ..."

[Jimbuna]

Dear Rita,

For the last two years my wife has had a BO problem. At first she could hide it by washing three times a day and using a whole can of anti-perspirant every other day. Now however we barely have sex as the BO causes me to loose my erection. I'm worried that my marriage is over unless I can find a solution . Please help.

Dear Reader,
I am so sorry to hear of your desparation and I would really like to help, but I need to know more. Does your wife use a PH balanced moisturizing soap? Try getting her to drink six cups of unbleached Green Tea every day.

Dear Rita,
How do I give green tea to her, bearing in mind I removed her head 26 months ago after an argument when she tried to leave the kitchen?

Dear Reader,
..............

[BossMark]

When four of Santa"s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn"t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Jimbuna]

A fire broke out in the local hospital today while I was there, and after everyone had been evacuated, I got arrested for stealing a blue overall.

It's so unfair. All I was trying to do was leave in an orderly fashion.

[BossMark]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He"d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter"s" date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father"s nose and told him to blow hard.When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That"s so wonderful! Isn"t he smart? What do you think he"s going to be when he grows older?"The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

[Jimbuna]

I had a blind date with a woman last night and I took her to a swanky restaurant.

Halfway through the meal I said, "You're a bit fatter than the usual girls I go for, and you've got a crap personality."

She said, "Do you treat every woman like this?"

I said, "No, sometimes I just take them to a pub."

[BossMark]

The wife was shouting at me the other day"You never take me out!!!" she yelled!
I said "I do, I took you out on Sunday and you bloody spoiled it!! You kept dropping my bloody golf bag!!!"

[Jimbuna]

I couldnt believe what I was hearing from the doctor last night.

He told me I was deaf.

[BossMark]

There once was a farmer who had three daughters who were all going out on their first dates on the same night.
The farmer, being protective of his daughters, decides to meet their suitors at the front door with a shotgun.
The first date comes to the door and the father opens up and the lad says"Hi my name"s Joe,I"m here for Flo.We"re going to the show.Is she ready to go?"The father looks the guy over and sends the kids off on their date.
Next lad arrives"My name"s Eddie,I"m here for Betty.We"re going to get some spaghetti.Is she ready?"The father felt this bloke was okay too so off the kids went.
The final young man arrives and rings the bell and the farmer opens up. The boy started off"Hi my name"s Chuck"And the farmer shot him.

[Jimbuna]

I got in a cab last night and said, "56 Moor Street please pal"
He said, "Doing anything nice?"
I said, "Well, actually mate I'm going to see a woman I met on one of those adult singles sites where married people meet up for sex"
He said, "I wouldn't do it if I were you"
I said,"Why not?"
He said, "Because I live at 56 Moor Street"

[BossMark]

I joined an internet dating site.
My first date was with a girl at a hospital. When I went to meet her, she said, "I don"t know if the website told you but I only have a few weeks to live.
"So I said to her, "I don"t know if the website told you, but I was only looking for a short-term relationship!"

[Jimbuna]

The Pope was asked recently if he still believed that abortion was wrong.

To which he replied, "Is John Terry a racist?".

[BossMark]

After going to the hospital for a routine checkup, a man is devastated when he finds out he has the rare deadly disease B55. The doctor tells him that he only has 1 week to live.After going home to come to terms with the news the man decides that he is not going to waste his last week alive so he and his wife go out to bingo. While he is there he decides to enter the prize draw game. First of all he gets 1 line and wins a car. Then he gets 2 lines and wins £10,000. Then he gets a full house and wins the holiday of a lifetime for two. At the end of the round the bingo caller comes up to him and said, "You must be the luckiest man in the world! You have just won a car, £10,000, and the holiday of a lifetime in just one game.""I"m not that lucky" replied the man. "I"ve got B55."The bingo callers face turns to shock and he says, "You lucky git! You"ve won the raffle as well!"

[Jimbuna]

I've just found out my wife suffers with photosensitive epilepsy.

She saw a snap of me kissing her sister and had a fit.

[BossMark]

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo.
As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection."What"s that, Mummy?" asks the child."Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny"s dad takes him and the same happens. "What"s that, Daddy?""That, son, is the elephant"s penis.""Mummy said it was nothing.""Your mother"s spoiled, Son!"

[Sailor Steve]

"Hi my name"s Chuck"
Of course the intent is obvious, or there wouldn't be a joke. What I want to know is, what was that daughter's name? :O:

[BossMark]

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?""No", he replies, "I"ve just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?""It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains."What"s it telling you now?""Well, it says you"re not wearing any knickers..."The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[Jimbuna]

Just got home and found all the windows and doors open and everything gone....

What kind of sicko does that to someone's advent calendar.

[Jimbuna]

This Christmas naughty children will be getting some Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.

[BossMark]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.The local undertaker tells the man, "You can have her shipped home for £10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £50.00."The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to pack her up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend £10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only £50.00?"The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can"t take that chance."

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for
another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home."

[Lord_magerius]

My girlfriend asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend is a wine connoisseur.

If its not one thing she's whining about its something else.

[BossMark]

I beat my girlfriend at dominos the other day.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings!

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend left me for a midget the other day.

This broke my heart - I couldn't believe she would stoop so low.

[Lord_magerius]

I just burnt my fingers in boiling oil and screamed "OOH OOH AAH AAH" like a monkey.

It was a chip pan, see.

[Jimbuna]

The giant Pandas given to Scotland from China have finally arrived at Edinburgh Zoo. Must have been a bumpy flight, they've both got black eyes..

[BossMark]

I missed a Jehovah"s Witness at the front door this morning, which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot

[Jimbuna]

I would like to share an experience with you about
drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had
brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session
over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: A couple of nights
ago I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few too many
whiskies as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well
that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never
done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident which was a
real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before.

[BossMark]

2 Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.
Paddy says "That was bloody great, wonder how the girls got on.

[Jimbuna]

I'm totally unimpressed with the new Thai Bride I've ordered

Foo-King Knackered

[BossMark]

Having given up smoking two weeks ago, I decided to take the advice from a health magazine which suggested starting a hobby, so I started doing pottery lessons.
And the first thing they taught me to make?... An ashtray.

[Jimbuna]

I was in London today and saw a taxi full of zit ridden youths...

It was an acne carriage.

[Jimbuna]

The Chinese girl next doors parents must have been sitting thinking what to call their daughter and then the microwave finished.

Ping.

[BossMark]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He"ll shut up once you let him in.

[BossMark]

Paddy O'Murphy goes to a carpenter. "Can you build me a box that's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?"

"Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you be wanting with a box like that?"

"Well" said the Irishman, "my neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose."

[Jimbuna]

David Beckham came up to me and said, "I've got a bone to pick with you."

Yep, I'll always remember the time he came into my dating agency, stating his special requirements.

[BossMark]

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

[Jimbuna]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair.

So she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

[BossMark]

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with death, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I"m chopping down the next tree I see. I don"t care whether it"s decorated or not!"

[Jimbuna]

I think Andy Carrol should get a signing on fee.

£85 pound every fortnight.

[Hottentot]

Finland is celebrating independence day.

[Jimbuna]

A brave knight fought a ferocious battle with a dragon until with a mighty strike, the dragon was decapitated. Suddenly, it transformed into a rock band and began to sing Merry Xmas Everybody. The beast was Slade.

[Jimbuna]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

[BossMark]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family.
Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!"
"What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!"
"Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That"s bloody amazing!, wait "til I go home and tell our Pancake!!!

[Jimbuna]

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards.

No one knows what I'm dealing with.

[breadcatcher101]

My wife at last fixed those holes in my socks--now I can't even get my feet into them.

[Jimbuna]

I think there is something wrong with my fire as its not working properly.

It's probably the flue.

[BossMark]

The 7 Dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.Snow White is worried for their lives,until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying "I think David Cameron is a great Prime Minister".She says,"Thank heavens,at least Dopey"s all right!"

[Jimbuna]

I just opened my door to a huge fat girl.

She said, "I'm here about your add in the paper."

I said, "Yeah I'm sorry love, the add says flat mate not fat mate."

[Jimbuna]

"Heard about the new FIFA achievements?"

"Score a goal with Torres?"

"Nahh, even harder than that! Beat Crystal Palace and qualify for the last 16 of the Champions League with Manchester United"

[Jimbuna]

My sat nav's broken. It can't find Manchester anywhere in Europe.

[Hottentot]

The Winter War ends. A young journalists wishes to interview a veteran about his experiences after the war.

"What was the first thing you did when you came home from the front, sir?" The journalist asks.
"I drank booze", the veteran grunts.
"Well, uh, what did you do after that" The embarrassed journalist tries again.
"F%@¤&^ with wife", the veteran grunts again.
"Um, OK sir", the blushing journalist looks elsewhere. "What did you do after that?"
"Took off the skis."

[Jimbuna]

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

[BossMark]

My younger brother"s really happy today - he"s leaving home to do an apprenticeship with Man Utd.
We"re going to say he"s in prison for rape.

[Jimbuna]

Satnav. Where would we be without it?

[BossMark]

I had to laugh after the match tonight- the commentator said
" There won"t be anyone celebrating in London tonight!
"Who the hell is he trying to kid- Thats where most of the Man Utd fans are from.

[Morts]

Who won the first tour de france ?
7th Panzer division

[Jimbuna]

A woman who is worried about her husband phones him
Woman: "Where are you she asks"
Man: You know the shop with the diamond necklace you wanted but i couldnt afford at the time and i said i would get u it for xmas
Woman: omg yes babe


Man: Im in the chicken shop next door to it

[Jimbuna]

To anybody who's scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be feeling.


And to anybody scared of spiders, they're flying now.

[BossMark]

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that"s right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me,
"How much is 3x2?"" "What"s the BLOODY! difference?" asks the father? "That"s what I said!"

[Jimbuna]

Two types of pasta are sat on a shelf in the supermarket.

One turns to the other and says,

'What are you so depressed about?'

The other pasta says,

'I don't know, I guess I'm Cannelloni.

[BossMark]

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Xmas.'
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Xmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
'What's the matter, Al?' I asked.
'Ummmm', replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Xmas'.

[GoldenRivet]

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Xmas.'
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Xmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
'What's the matter, Al?' I asked.
'Ummmm', replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Xmas'.

cheap bastards

[Jimbuna]

Wondering what to do with that leftover turkey carcass at Christmas?

Take it to bed and pretend you're David Beckham.

[BossMark]

I was out until six this morning celebrating my wife"s birthday.
She was bloody livid when I got home!

[BossMark]

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

[Jimbuna]

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday, I told my wife: "You know you were walking in your sleep again, right?"

She looked at me, totally shocked and surprised.

Then I started laughing and told her I was just kidding.

I don't think she appreciated that joke, by the angry way she was tapping on her wheelchair.

[BossMark]

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

[Scurvy]

What's Mary short for?

She has no legs.

[Jimbuna]

Just saw an advert for a seamless bra.

Personally I think I'm a bit of a see-more bra kind of guy.

[BossMark]

Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

[Jimbuna]

I've got some Harry Potter DVDs going cheap.

They're a Quid each.

[BossMark]

Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.

[Jimbuna]

What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas?

Their heads.

[BossMark]

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool, Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

[Jimbuna]

I was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, "Six letters...another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven't got it!"

"Avenue?" she said

"No," I said, "I haven't, stop rubbing it in."

[BossMark]

I thought I hadn"t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.
Amazingly that started another row.
Because I rang her from the pub.

[kiwi_2005]

When I was a boy my mother would send me off to the corner supermarket with $2... and id come back with a sack of spuds, 2 pints of milk, a large block of cheese, 2 loaves of bread, packet of coffee and half a dozen eggs...

you cant do that now to many bloody security cameras...

[Jimbuna]

My wife had a dreaded phone call to say that her mother had died earlier.

"At least all that suffering has stopped now," I told my wife.

"What are you talking about?" She cried, "it was a car accident!"

"I know," I replied. "I was talking about my suffering."

[Jimbuna]

Just a reminder that Royal Mail have said that today is the last posting day if you want to guarantee delivery by Easter.

[BossMark]

My Grandfather was a train driver for many years.During his career he got millions to their destination on time.
Oh yes the train to Auschwitz station was never late,thanks to Granddad.

[Jimbuna]

Man Utd report that Darren Fletcher is to take an extended break from football.

He's being loaned out to Stoke City..

[Karle94]

Every ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Every ship can be a submarine... once.

[BossMark]

Saw a hobo walking down the street the other day wearing only one shoe.
"You alright mate?" I asked "Have you lost your shoe?"
He replied "No I found one..."

[BossMark]

I saw a load of Polish people the other day.
I said to one of them, "why the hell don"t you lot go to France instead?"
He said, ""cos, every time the French see a pole they stick a white flag on it!"

[Jimbuna]

Gordon Ramsay snapped when I informed him he'd overcooked my soup.

"I'm a 13 Michelin star chef!" he shouted, "and I don't need you to tell me how to cook soup properly!"

"Simmer down" I replied.

[BossMark]

I bought some Jamie Oliver sausages from Sainsbury"s the other day.
On the side of the packaging it said "Prick with a fork".

[Jimbuna]

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRuhNePAsGgB3s-PidA6AKbvRwogC3QLIlyGOus6ccphFmZ123WJ4ys6Keo

[Jimbuna]

Tramps who use old newspapers to keep warm this winter are behind The Times.

[BossMark]

Noah on the ark says to his wife. "I"m really bored, I"m going to do a bit of fishing" and wanders off.He"s back half an hour later.
"I"m still bored"His wife say"s "I thought you were going to do a bit of fishing, why stop after half an hour?
"He says "Well I only had two worms"

[Jimbuna]

Today I had to cancel my trip to India

It was a no Goa.

[BossMark]

I wish my wife would get schizophrenia so she can spend all day nagging herself.

[Jimbuna]

Yahoo:'Champions League draw live'

Pretty sure a few Man U and City supporters will have a sneak peek..Just to be sure.

[Jimbuna]

Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You're expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes.

It's a bit like voting for politicians.

[BossMark]

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn"t have to do the bloke"s future housework?

[Jimbuna]

I know an optician who fell into his lens grinding machine...

He made a spectacle of himself.

[BossMark]

Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.

"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent."

So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."

They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!".

[Jimbuna]

I went on a date this evening.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

[kranz]

I went on a date this evening.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"
:har:

[BossMark]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God"s ultimate enemy was in his presence.So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"The man replied, "Yep, sure do.""Aren"t you afraid of me?" Satan asked."Nope, sure ain"t." said the man.Don"t you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan."Don"t doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone."Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan."Yep," was the calm reply."And you"re still not afraid?" asked Satan."Nope," said the old man.More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren"t you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."

[BossMark]

I walked past a mental home today and could hear them all shouting 13..13..13..13..
I wanted to know what was going on?
so I looked through the hole in the fence and some git poked me in the eye and they all shouted... 14... 14... 14... 14...

[Jimbuna]

I bought Cluedo, the Iraqi edition.

It's rubbish, nobody can find the weapons.

[BossMark]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[Jimbuna]

You've got to love Tory Party stag dos - they always finish on a heil!

[BossMark]

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

[Jimbuna]

So, Kim Jong il has died.

For those stupid people who don't keep up with current affairs, she was the leader of North Korea

[BossMark]

Two blondes were in a building when it catches fire.
"Quick! Let"s jump out the window!" one yells to the other.
"What? Are you crazy? We"re on the 13th floor!" comes the reply.
The first blonde puts her hands on her hips and, with a stern look, says, "listen here miss, this is not the time to get superstitious."

[Jimbuna]

Good news: Kim's dead.

Bad news: It's not one of the Kardashians.

[BossMark]

A life long supporter of the Labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through … Why change now?"

The man leaned forward and explained: "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

[Jimbuna]

What's slippery when wet?

A wet slipper.

[BossMark]

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbour? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

[gammaphialpha]

69 the lucky numbers of Chuck Norris and was the bad numbers for KIM. :D

[Jimbuna]

My ex-wife is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play at that game.

[BossMark]

Knife crime

Personally, I"ve wanted to see David Cameron come down hard on knives for ages.

[mookiemookie]

An old Scot asks the bar person for a pint of Tennent's; he receives it and looks at it thoughtfully.
'Do you think you can fit a wee dram of whisky in there?' he says.
'Yes, I think I can', says the bar person, knowingly.
Says the old Scot: 'THEN FILL IT TO THE BRIM WITH TENNENT'S, YA BASTARD!''

[Jimbuna]

I went to see a fortune teller today, I walked in & she said "hiya!! How are you, lovely weather we're having, things are just great aren't they?"
I leaned over & punched her square in the face, she cried "what did you do that for!?"
I replied "I like to strike a happy medium"

[Jimbuna]

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

[BossMark]

I see Andy Murray gets really annoyed when foreigners call him "English".
He can"t blame them though - they"ve probably never seen a Scotsman who isn"t pissed before!

[Jimbuna]

"Ladies and gents."

That concludes our tour of the toilets.

[BossMark]

A husband asks his wife, "you never argue when I get mad at you.
How do you always control your anger?"
"I clean the toilet."
"How does that help?"
"I use your toothbrush."

[Jimbuna]

"What's the matter with us? We never seem to talk anymore" said my wife.

She's right. I'll text her back later.

[BossMark]

I was in the pub last night and I took advantage of a young girl.
When she went to the toilet, I nicked her chair.

[Jimbuna]

Away in a police cell, no wag in his bed.

The little John Terry, regrets what he said.

[BossMark]

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[Jimbuna]

I was going through the loft the other day, looking for some wrapping paper, when I had came across a present I had forgotten to give the kids last Christmas...

It's a shame really... They would have loved that kitten.

[Nick_T]

A happy Christmas and peaceful '12 to you and those you hold dear.

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between Andy Carroll and tomato soup?

Tomato soup is a regular starter.

[BossMark]

This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain"t from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"The guy says, "I"m from England."The bartender asks, "What th" hell you do in England?"The guy responds, "I"m a taxidermist."The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th" hell is a taxidermist?"The guy says "I mount animals."The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It"s OK boys, he"s one of us!"

[Jimbuna]

I went to the doctors today about my addiction to astrology.

He said "What are the signs?"

[BossMark]

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

[BossMark]

A French and an English general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the English general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!"
The French general asks "Why did you do that?"
The English general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."
A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"

[Sailor Steve]

I don't get it. What happened to the English General? :O:

[BossMark]

I don't get it. What happened to the English General? :O:
Sorted :D

A French rifle is on sale on e-bay. Its never been fired but its been dropped once.

[Jimbuna]

"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" my wife asked.

"Can you not wait until you've opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.

[Jimbuna]

"Well darling, for your birthday, me and the lads decided to club together...."

"Yes...." she squealed in anticipation.

"No, that's it. I didn't get in until 6 this morning. I'm off to bed".

[BossMark]

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

[Jimbuna]

For sale: 1 pair of giant hoopy gold earrings. Quick sale required.
Please contact: Pat Evans, 31 Albert Square, Walford, for more info

[BossMark]

For sale: 1 pair of giant hoopy gold earrings. Quick sale required.
Please contact: Pat Evans, 31 Albert Square, Walford, for more info
:hmmm::hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

Eastenders

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2039862/EastEnders-spoilers-Pat-Evans-killed-Albert-Square-fire.html

[Jimbuna]

I can't believe how stupid that Post Office clerk was.
He said that my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it.

Like that's going to make it lighter.

[BossMark]

Eastenders

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2039862/EastEnders-spoilers-Pat-Evans-killed-Albert-Square-fire.html
Oh right :doh: dont watch the cockney crap cant understand a word that they say :haha: