The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

[BossMark]

What's the difference between Rupert Murdoch and the McCanns?

One runs an ultra efficient PR empire who manipulates the media to make as much money as possible, the other is an elderly Australian man.

[BossMark]

History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.

[Jimbuna]

First man: My brother donated five hundred pounds to sick animals last week.
Second man: The RSPCA?
First man: No, William Hill.

[BossMark]

Handing over my I.D. at the post office, the clerk blurts out, "You've worn a bit since this photo was taken."

"You're dead right love!" I replied. "I had it taken just before I joined your bloody queue."

[Herr-Berbunch]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.


Was it an Iraqnid?

[BossMark]

I was really shocked when I got a phone call from my credit card company telling me someone had cloned my card.

There's now some stupid bastard out there as skint as I am.

[Jimbuna]

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm!

[BossMark]

Anything to declare ' yep ebola' carry on through sir have a nice stay
anything to declare ' yep five hundred benson and hedges ' erm step this way sir.

[Jimbuna]

I've got the kids tonight so we're going to spend the evening watching Fireman Sam, Postman Pat and Bob the Builder on TV.

Or the San Marino football team, as they're also known.

[BossMark]

My mate asked me, "If I live to 100, do you think I will receive a card from the Queen?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Why not?"

I said, "I don't think she'll make it to 164."

[Buddahaid]

History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.

I like that one. :yep:

[Buddahaid]

:har:Was it an Iraqnid?

:har:

[BossMark]

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise.

The librarian says, "Sure, what Volume would you like?"

[Jimbuna]

I decided to treat my wife today.

I gave her 3 coats of creosote.

[BossMark]

What a birthday I've had.

First my daughters cooked a lovely family meal which we ate on the beach.

Then my wife washed up.

Then the police arrested me on suspicion of drowning my wife at sea.

[Jimbuna]

I've just landed a part in our local Amateur Dramatics Society production about a man who has a strong attachment to his dog.

I'm playing the lead.

[BossMark]

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

[donna52522]

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, "Do you have any felony convictions?"

The Briton replies, "Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

[BossMark]

I came home from work early to find my wife without any clothes on.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Erm... I thought we could have a bit of fun," she replied. "Let's play naked hide and seek."

"You're on!" I said, stripping as I ran upstairs. "I'll hide first!"

I went into our bedroom and opened the wardrobe door. My mate Dave was sat there in the nude.

"I'm really sorry, mate," he said.

"Don't worry," I giggled. "I'll hide under the bed!"

[Jimbuna]

Just seen a very confusing book in Eason's earlier:

'Ventriloquism for Dummies'..

[BossMark]

It was my son's birthday yesterday.

I said to him last night, "Blow out the candles and make a wish."

He said, "I wish you got me a cake."

[Jimbuna]

"I have a dream that someday we will be able to get all the sicko's and unstable elements of society in one place, where their activity can be monitored twenty four seven. " Said the police commissioner at a rally when a voice piped up from the back...

"It's already been done mate, ever heard of Facebook? "

[BossMark]

My wife said if I took one more picture of her she'd leave me.

That's when I snapped.

[Jimbuna]

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

[BossMark]

George W Bush has criticized Obama on his slow reaction and the way he has dealt with Ebola.

"If I were still President I would have made the decision to invade Ebola months ago."

"The great people of the United States should not be threatened or intimidated by this fanatic Eboilian regime."

[BossMark]

Concern is mounting in North Korea over the whereabouts of Kim Jong Un.

He was last seen whilst on a state visit to Portugal, tucked up in his bed whilst his parents went for a meal in a nearby restaurant.

[Jimbuna]

I said to the doctor, "Could I have some tablets. I always get pains in my wrist after sex."

He said, "How long do they last?"

I said, "Usually until the police remove the handcuffs."

[BossMark]

I saw a man drop a £20 note on the floor so I did what every good citizen would do.

And checked that it was real before putting it in my pocket.

[BossMark]

I was going through a bit of a crisis when my mate said 'Here, have a Doctor Pepper, what's the worst that can happen?

I said "I could taste the bloody stuff'

[Jimbuna]

When I was young, my grandmother gave me a locket which I have worn around my neck ever since.

I'm just waiting to get a sore throat so I can use it.

[BossMark]

Just £2 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend. Text OSCAR to 62226 now.

[BossMark]

Michael McIntyre has stormed off stage because a woman in the front row wouldn't get off of her phone.

She was only trying to find out what time the comedian was coming on!

[Jimbuna]

To take a driving lesson anywhere in this country you need a provisional license, except in Liverpool.

There you just need a screwdriver.

[BossMark]

My wife and I got kicked off of a National Express coach today.

All I did was stand up and shout " Ebola, I got Ebola."

Anyone would think that Scrabble was illegal.

[magic452]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, ”Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

“Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Magic

[Eichhörnchen]

:haha::haha::haha:

[Eichhörnchen]

A man went to his doctor: "I've got something awful wrong with me, doc"

"Well, what are the symptoms?"

"They're a dysfunctional US family in an animated sitcom"

[BossMark]

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool
police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.

[Jimbuna]

Trust me.

Education is important but becoming a model is importanter.

[BossMark]

Cadbury's have brought out a new box of chocolates for inconsiderate people.
They're self centred.

[CaptainRamius]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be Bagels!
Get it? Get it? :har:

[BossMark]

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

[Jimbuna]

Heard the one about the cowboy that was made out of brown paper, he got arrested for rustling.....

[Eichhörnchen]

Heard the one about the cowboy that was made out of brown paper, he got arrested for rustling.....

#6630 (gotcha!)

[BossMark]

I saved £463 on my car insurance today.

Now I've just got to hope that I don't get pulled over in the next 12 months.

[Jimbuna]

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.

[Eichhörnchen]

I made this one myself for Subsim, so I hope it is original:

A woman had been buying dog food at the local supermarket for years even though she was never seen with a dog and, as in a previous (similar) joke, she explained that it was for her husband who thought he was a dog.

Well one day the girl from the supermarket asked the woman why she never saw her husband out with her anymore. She explained that he no longer came out for walks with her as she was no longer able to get enough plastic carrier-bags.

[BossMark]

"Be careful!" screamed the teenage mum to her three brats on the bus to work this morning.

Hypocrite.

[Jimbuna]

I wonder what will end first, the Oscar Pistorious case, or the DFS sale?

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius has no money left.

No wonder. Paying off a judge isn't cheap.

[Jimbuna]

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

[BossMark]

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

[Jimbuna]

"It's time for Earth to get another disaster God." said the Angel Gabriel.
"OK, blindfold me and i'll randomly point, and wherever I shall point, they shall be targeted immediately with the full scale horrors of famine, disease, and pestilence, nothing can change my decision.... NOTHING!!!"
Gabriel blindfolds God, and spins him around, and then God points toward Earth.
"You've picked out Iceland for a change and not Africa!" said Gabriel.
"Best of three?" replied God.

[BossMark]

Heathrow airport has abandoned its Ebola screening program .
Its equipment to detect overheated, sweating, hunched up passengers has so far identified everyone arriving on a Ryan Air flight.

[Jimbuna]

Beckham's son turned up to training at Old Trafford this morning, for the youth squad.
A few of the other lads were asking him what number shirt he would be wearing.

He approached the team coach to ask what jersey he should put on.

"Wear four out there Romeo." He replied.

[BossMark]

I was watching football in the lounge when I heard my wife say , ' would you like chicken,beef or lamb darling.'
' I'll have chicken please, ' I replied.
' You're having soup,you fat sod ' she said, ' I was talking to the cat. '

[Jimbuna]

My vacuum cleaner packed up so I wrapped it up in a Sunderland scarf.
Now it sucks again.

[BossMark]

The Oscar Pistorius case has provoked a long overdue debate about South African prisons. One former inmate told the 'Independent' newspaper 'When you go there you stay alone. The cell is dark. It's only having a bed, a toilet and a washing basin. You don't see anything, it's like a hole. I stayed there for three to four weeks.'
Poor Oscar will have to put up with the dark, but as long as the toilet doesn't have a door, the other inmates should be safe.

[Eichhörnchen]

If a mouse went out to work, would it eek out a living?

[BossMark]

A bloke in the bar asked me what it's like to be married.

I said, "Amaze."

He asked, "You mean amazing?"

I replied, "No, I mean it's hard to get out of."

[Jimbuna]

You're waiting for 2,000 years for a carpenter to return?

After a week, I would have called a new contractor.

[BossMark]

I saw two policeman chasing some bloke today, so as he went past me I stuck my leg out.

Big mistake.

The car broke my tibia in four places.

[Jimbuna]

As my wife awoke from her year long coma, I was allowed to speak with her:

"Last chance. Where were you 'till midnight?" I said.

[Armistead]

Was having a discussion with a recently married young man that wanted to know about sexual positions. I asked him what was his favorite position now and he replied

"doggy"

I told him in time he'll learn a new version of doggy.

"what's that, sounds kinky?" he asked

I said " it's when you sit up and beg as she rolls over and plays dead."

[Jimbuna]

My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."

"Nothing, darling," I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

[BossMark]

Ched Evans - 5 years for having sex with a drunken woman.
Rolf Harris- 5 and a half years for phantom groping.
Oscar Pistorius - 5 years for murder.
Do the math next time guys.

[Jimbuna]

Still can't workout why me and the missus have on average 12 arguments a year. Mystery??

[BossMark]

There's a homeless bird in my area who I fancy.Maybe I should ask her out..

Or in,in her case.

[magic452]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss.
"The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something
with hell and you say something with a**."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your a** it won't be Cheerios!"

Magic

[BossMark]

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.

[Eichhörnchen]

"but you can bet your a** it won't be Cheerios!"

Magic


I love this joke. I do already know it, though, and wondered a while back how I could tell it without getting nuked. I couldn't tell the punch line to my version, not even with asterisks.

[BossMark]

I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm going to show them that I'm good at delegating responsibility.

I'm sending someone else to it.

[Sailor Steve]

I love this joke. I do already know it, though, and wondered a while back how I could tell it without getting nuked. I couldn't tell the punch line to my version, not even with asterisks.
A simple way to test what is allowed by the language bot and what isn't is to send yourself a PM with whatever words you want to test. If the bot doesn't bleep it then you don't have to either. A lot more words are allowed than you might think, including the one Magic censored himself.

All of which reminds me of how much what's acceptable has changed over the years. I recall when I was little hearing the great Bob Hope make a comment that "The NBC censors said I have to tell you that I came here tonight by hecticopter."

[Eichhörnchen]

Yes, I thought he was being unnecessarily coy over the word "ass". As you know, over here it's simply an animal with an often disproportionately long member, whereas I could not wind my car window down in Britain and yell "WANKER!!" without getting seriously hurt by the nearest ugly redneck.:hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

In the run up to halloween I wanted to get something that would give my pumpkin soup more flavour, so I asked in my local supermarket if they had any celeriac.

"Sorry mate you'e too early - celeriac's a winter vegetable. Try back in a couple of weeks" said a worker, whilst setting out more christmas crackers and advent calendars.

[Tango589]

Here is list of the profanities Subsim will not allow:


****
****
****
****
******
********
****
*****
****
*****
I hope this is useful.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Here is list of the profanities Subsim will not allow:


****
****
****
****
******
********
****
*****
****
*****

I hope this is useful.

Oi! Why would you post all my PINs and passwords for all to see? :/\\!!

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[Eichhörnchen]

Here is list of the profanities Subsim will not allow:


****
****
****
****
******
********
****
*****
****
*****
I hope this is useful.

You missed out ***** ****** and ********

[Sailor Steve]

...whereas I could not wind my car window down in Britain and yell "WANKER!!" without getting seriously hurt by the nearest ugly redneck.:hmmm:
Many years ago I was working at call center, and one of the women there asked me if I was familiar with British slang. When I answered in the affirmative she told me she and her husband were on a cruise ship, and there was a group of folks from that part of the world, and she said something that made them all give her slightly angry stares. Then she asked me "Do you know what "bugger" means?

When I told her she turned beet red.

[Jimbuna]

Reception: Hello?

Me: I'd like a wake-up call please?

Reception: Ok. You're fat, skint, have a crap job and your wife is sleeping with your brother!!

[StdDev]

FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York .
... The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine.

[Tango589]

You missed out ***** ****** and ********

Thanks, I knew I missed a couple.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[BossMark]

"Are you ok granddad? You look terrified every time I knock on your door. "

"Oh Jack, you'll never know what it's like living in fear of your past, just waiting for the knock on the door, and then you're finished. "

"Gosh granddad, I never knew, were you a spy or a hit man or something? "

"No Jack, much worse than that, I was a pop star in the 1970s. "

[BossMark]

I saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night.

We were actually watching Captain America, but the wife had her sister over and I asked if I could have a piece of their chocolate.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently, an Apple computer, built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976, sold for nearly $1 million.

Which makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market.

[BossMark]

I didn't see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night.

At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep.

Now I see the resemblance.

[Jimbuna]

I said to my doctor, "I found a lump downstairs this morning."

"Ok, well take off your pants." he replied.

After feeling my bollocks for a few minutes he said, "Where's the lump then?"

"Under my armpit." I replied, "I was in my living room at the time."

[Eichhörnchen]

Frau and Herr Braun waited in vain for their little boy Willi to say his first words. Four years passed, during which time he didn't say a word to them or anyone else...

"Vill our liddl Liebling never speak to us", agonized his mother, "Vill he never?"

Then one day at dinner the boy suddenly threw down his knife and fork onto the table an announced loudly: "Ziss Wiener schnitzel iss disgusting!"

His overjoyed parents, when they'd finished weeping and smothering him with kisses asked, "Why haff you not spoken to us until now, Willi?"

"Until now," he replied, "Everything hass been satisfactory."

[Tango589]

:har:

[Jimbuna]

The all-day breakfast I had at the Brewer's Fayre today wasn't really up to all that much.


I'd finished it by half eleven.

[BossMark]

According to the news Oscar Pistorius has been put on suicide watch.

Bill Oddie is going to present it.

[Eichhörnchen]

Hear about the gay outlaw who rode into town and shot up the sheriff?

[BossMark]

My wife text me earlier while I was out shopping:

'Pick something up for the little ones while you're out love x'

So I bought her a bra.

[Jimbuna]

I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."

[BossMark]

^^
LOL was just about to post this myself.

[BossMark]

A Jehovah's witness just knocked on my door and showed me one of her leaflets.

After politely declining it, she insisted, "Here, take it. You never know, it might come in useful."

So I scrunched it up into a ball and threw it at her face.

She was right.

[Jimbuna]

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still late' replied my boss.

[BossMark]

I told my mate I had been seeing a prostitute who inflicted pain on me and took lots of money,

"Wow, " he said, "I didn't know you were into that crap. "

"I'm not, " I replied, "I'm getting married soon and I thought I would get some practice in."

[Jimbuna]

My pensioner wife and I will probably spend Christmas this year celebrating like we did in the war years.

Sat in the cold and dark with nothing at all to eat.

[BossMark]

The burial of Britain's fattest women is to take place next week.

It's understood she is to be buried in her family plot.

The other members when they die will just have to go somewhere else.

[BossMark]

I phoned my girlfriend and said, "What a day! I accidentally threw the dog's ball off a cliff."

"Oh dear," she said. "Did you have to go down and get it?"

I replied, "Nah. I'll not need it again anyway."

[Jimbuna]

I woke up this morning beside myself with joy.

Time to increase my schizophrenia medication I think.

[BossMark]

I'm so jealous of my son.

He has the coolest dad ever.

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked, "If I died tomorrow, how long would you wait before sleeping with another woman?"

I said, "10 years."

"Aww really, why?" she smiled.

I said, "They'd probably let me out on parole by then."

[Tango589]

What do you call a Russian snooker player?

Innoff the Red.

[BossMark]

A policeman pulled me over and said,

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?"

"Step out of the car, sir," he ordered.

I said, "See, I told you."

[Jimbuna]

I saw my young daughter looking perplexed earlier, I said:

"A problem shared is a problem halved."

Unfortunately, her problem was understanding fractions so she hadn't got a clue what I was on about.

[BossMark]

"Well nan, " I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

"Will you bugga off and let me visit your granddads grave in peace, " she shouted.

[Eichhörnchen]

Q: What do you call a Russian who's always scratching?

A: Ivan Ellovanitch

[Eichhörnchen]

Q: What do you call a man with a huge dung-funnel?

A: Hugh Janus

[BossMark]

Tim Cook, CEO of Apple has come out as gay.

Explains why his phones are bent.

[Jimbuna]

I was out shopping today when I saw my doctor collapse holding his chest.

"Please, help me!" he pleaded.

So I phoned the surgery and the receptionist told me someone will get back to me within 48 hours.

[BossMark]

Coffee makes people really aggressive.Last night I had eleven pints at the pub and my wife two coffees at home.

You should've seen how pissed off she was.

[Tango589]

What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles?

Hooja Nikkabollokov

[BossMark]

"I'm sick to death of these nuisance phone calls every night," I said. "Is there any way to stop them?"

"Well, you could try drinking in a pub that your missus hasn't got the phone number for."

[Eichhörnchen]

What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles?

Hooja Nikkabollokov

And who's his amorous girlfriend?

Laika Legova

[BossMark]

Going around London today I've seen all sorts: zombie like creatures with grotesque faces and bizarre behaviour, some dressed as vampires, ghosts and serial killers, some even covered in blood.

I also saw a few people dressed up for Halloween.

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying my wife is ugly...

But this Halloween she went to tell the neighbours to turn their TV down and they gave her some Haribo.

[BossMark]

My teacher explained the importance of studies:

With every wrong answer in your exam paper , your future honeymoon shifts from Switzerland to Afghanistan.

[Jimbuna]

So Liam Gallagher's band 'Beady Eye' have split up..

It's devastating news for their fan.

[BossMark]

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives," smiled my girlfriend as we flew out to our dream holiday in Hawaii.

"You seem pretty sure of yourself," I replied.

"I am," she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

[BossMark]

My wife just asked, "What was Jesus' full name?"

So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

[Jimbuna]

If someone says "You look familiar,"

Just ask, "Were we in prison together?"

[BossMark]

You won't get rich being a talentless moron.

Simon Cowell will get rich.

[Jimbuna]

I've decided to stop being a pessimist.

It'd never work anyway.

[Schroeder]

My wife just asked, "What was Jesus' full name?"

So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.
I don't get this one....must either be a language thing or my German understanding of humour (a contradiction in itself) is unable to grasp it.:doh:

[Jimbuna]

I don't get this one....must either be a language thing or my German understanding of humour (a contradiction in itself) is unable to grasp it.:doh:

JESUS CHRIST!!

An expression of surprise, shock, or anger. Some people might consider this offensive:

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/jesus-christ

[Schroeder]

JESUS CHRIST!!



http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/jesus-christ
OK, didn't expect anyone to shout that when getting a bowling ball dropped on his/her foot so I didn't see the connection.:shifty:

[fireftr18]

OK, didn't expect anyone to shout that when getting a bowling ball dropped on his/her foot so I didn't see the connection.:shifty:

In the US, it's sometimes used in that context. Sometimes it comes out as, "JESUS H CHRIST!" The "H" doesn't really mean anything.

[Herr-Berbunch]

In the US, it's sometimes used in that context. Sometimes it comes out as, "JESUS H CHRIST!" The "H" doesn't really mean anything.

To some scientists it does - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_H._Christ

[BossMark]

Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

[Jimbuna]

My mother in law is coming round later and my wife has asked me not to mention her bulimia problem.

I doubt I'll need to, she'll probably bring it up herself.

[BossMark]

I've started dating a schizophrenic feminist.


She has a cracking set of personalities.

[Jimbuna]

I'm a massive computer game geek, and people keep telling me to get a life.

Then I thought to myself, I don't need to get a life, I'm a gamer so I have lots of lives.

[BossMark]

As of today my sister is insisting I greet her whenever I see her with an 'Hello Rachel'.
It would seem 'Hi Sis' has lost its appeal after I picked her up at the airport and shouted it across the arrivals lounge

[magic452]

I was at the ATM the other day and this old lady asked me to help check her balance..... So I pushed her over.

Magic

[BossMark]

An unmarried mother has given birth to piglets.

The child support agency is now looking for the swine responsible.

[Jimbuna]

A man has died as a result of eating 47 omelettes.

The coroner recorded a verdict of misadventure stating that his mates had egged him on.

[BossMark]

I once went up to the cockpit of a plane where my old classmate Jack was flying the plane....
No sooner than I greeted him, I was restrained.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into a dentist's office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, "I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You're a moth?"
I said, "Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!"
The dentist said, "Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall."
I said, "I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on."

[BossMark]

I asked my son why he wants to marry so young. He said it's so he can have sex whenever he feels like it...

He's in for quite a surprise.

[BossMark]

I'll never forgive myself for passing up the chance to say two words that could have made me happy forever:

"I don't."

[Jimbuna]

According to serving suggestions, I'm a family of four.

[BossMark]

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

[Jimbuna]

My grandfather always did have a sense of humour.

The moment before he died, his last words were:

"Staring contest, go!"

[BossMark]

My blonde wife just called me and said "Dave, I've done what you always said I should do and become an entrepreneur, instead of working down the chippy".

I said "fantastic love, what have you done"?

She replied "I've bought a 'tax disc holder' business from a guy on Ebay".

[Jimbuna]

Whenever your wife tells you she's not talking to you.

She's lying.

[BossMark]

AC/DC star attempted to procure the murder of two unnamed people.

Days after 'Highway to Hell' was sung by Simon Cowell's act on X-Factor.

[Jimbuna]

Just turned over onto 'Masterchef: The Professionals'.

I'm a bit disappointed not to see Bodie and Doyle knocking up a couple of omelettes.

[BossMark]

I got pulled over by the police last night. "I have reason to believe you've been kerb crawling Sir," he said. "I've followed you along this road at twenty miles an hour and you've stopped five times."

"Just get off my bus, you bloody idiot," I told him.

[Jimbuna]

I've discovered a way to ensure that a woman keeps a secret.

Tell them that revealing it will benefit someone else.

[BossMark]

We used to have 4 different remote controls.

Then we got a Universal Remote.

Now we have 5 different remote controls.

[Jimbuna]

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her.


I hid her teeth.

[BossMark]

I've been married 40 years now, and people often ask me what it takes to stay happy so long.

I always give them the same reply.

"Wait here and I will ask the wife if it's OK to tell you"

[BossMark]

I knocked on my neighbour's door and noticed my wife's shoes and handbag in the hallway, so I punched him in the mouth.

No-one steals from my family.

[Jimbuna]

Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.

[BossMark]

i came from a very poor family of 5 children. we all used to sleep in the same bed. in fact, i never slept alone until i got married.

[Jimbuna]

I walked through the door this afternoon and smelt a beautiful Sunday roast cooking.

It was then I realised I'd had too many pints in the pub and I'd stumbled into the wrong house.

[BossMark]

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

[BossMark]

Apparently the Queen has said that she would like William and Kate's new baby to be born before she next goes on holiday.

Which will be impossible since she's been on holiday since Nineteen Fifty bloody Two ...

[BossMark]

I was reading about this 13-year-old girl who's become the youngest female to climb Mount Everest.

She didn't mean to do it ...

She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.

[Jimbuna]

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Jimmy Savile walk into a bar in Ireland.

The barman says, "Not Yew Tree again."

[BossMark]

No wonder there's never any trolleys at the supermarket.
They still haven't banned the looney that that pushes about 40 around the car park with not a single thing in any of them!

[Jimbuna]

I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.

He said, "Google Glasses!"

I said, "OK, and I know what glasses are!!"

[BossMark]

"On a scale of 1-10 how.."

"10!"

"..Impatient are you?"

[magic452]

A blonde complained to the office manager that her new computer wasn't accepting her password. The manager asked her to type it in, and the blonde typed in:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to

When asked why she had such a long password the blonde replied "Hello! - It says it has to be 8 characters and at least one capital."

Magic

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber has received an award for "Best Male Artist" at the World Music Awards.

The more astute amongst us will be able to count three mistakes in that title.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend told me she kissed a frog when she was a little girl.

"What happened?" I gasped.

"My French step-father beat me for waking him up," she replied.

[BossMark]

My son just asked me what is it like to have children.

So I interrupted him every five seconds until he cried.

[Jimbuna]

I had been trying all week to get an appointment with the doctor for my flu symptoms without any success.

Amazingly, when I told them I had just come back from Liberia, within 15 minutes they sent me my own reinforced ambulance, police escort and four staff in gloves, mask/face shield, full body suits and tough rubber wellington boots.

[BossMark]

I tried to sell a second hand clock but I had to withdraw it from sale because of the amount of people asking me if it was a wind up.

[Jimbuna]

My friend has just started a new business offering flying lessons to blind people.

I can't see it taking off.

[BossMark]

I'll never be able to repay the man who saved my daughter's life.

He works for Wonga.

[magic452]

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Magic

[BossMark]

So FIFA have found no evidence of corruption in awarding the World Cup to Qatar.

In other news all the pedophiles rounded up in operation Yewtree have been released from prison after an investigation headed by Rolf Harris found there was no case to answer.

[Jimbuna]

It's ironic that technology has advanced to such a degree where people now actually use their phones to no longer call each other.

[BossMark]

Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

[Jimbuna]

I have invented a game. You lock yourself and 9 other friends in a house that has 2 bathrooms. You all then take a load of laxatives and fight over the toilets.

I call it 'Game Of Thrones'

[BossMark]

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

[vanjast]

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

You laugh.. my father-in-law has a friend that visits him every year. this guys wife... well she talks none-stop, loud and absolute rubbish. It got so bad here one day that they were all telling her to shut up.... that didn't work :har:.

What finally 'seemed' to work was that her own son refused to visit his parents, if his mother uttered one word. Her husband was a marathon runner.. go figure :D

[Jimbuna]

The new Sainsbury Christmas advert reminds me of our family.

We meet up on Christmas day to exchange gifts only to begin hostilities again the following day.

[Eichhörnchen]

A man got thrown into a cell in a Wild West town and in the corner he saw a big round dude all dressed as though he belonged in a cake shop. He was wearing a big spongey-looking pink jacket, and great big spongey-looking white trousers.

"Whad're you in for, pardner?" he asked.

"Impersonatin' a U.S. Marshmaller"

[BossMark]

My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers.

I didn't even know she sold them.

[BossMark]

Kim Kardashian's teachers said that she wouldn't amount to anything.

Well, who's looking smug now. Plus, they get really long school holidays.

[Jimbuna]

As an experienced game hunter, I have advised the authorities in Paris to track down the tiger on the loose by stationing spotters at the sites of its most likely prey: zebra crossings.

[BossMark]

They should have had my wife piloting that comet probe.

She can find something out of nothing and stay on it for months.

[BossMark]

I've just seen a bloke carrying four Alsatians, six Jack Russells, two Labradors and a bulldog:

"Is this some sort of record attempt?" I asked.

"No, I'm a vet" he replied, "I never put a healthy dog down."

[Jimbuna]

There's no pleasing my wife sometimes.

She wanted help with the housework so I got my girlfriend to come round and she went mental.

[BossMark]

Environmental scientists have proved that a 5 minute shower uses, on average, a third of the amount of water that a fifteen minute shower does.

[Jimbuna]

The only thing I can say in Jamaican is 'bacon'.

Beer can

[BossMark]

"Those German scientists are doing nothing new!" said Paddy. "We cut a hole in a Comet years ago."

"You lot never did!" I replied. "And what did you find?"

"We got away with 8 televisions and a microwave."

[Jimbuna]

It must be terrible working in a call centre.

It would be awkward trying to call in sick:

"I can't come in today, I am unwell and won't be able to use a phone.. Oh wait.."

[BossMark]

"Dad, can I have a phone for Christmas?"

"Not unless you finish your yoghurt..

and another..


and get me some string."

[Jimbuna]

My wife walked into the living room without any clothes on.

"Show me your love," she purred.

"Here," I said, handing her a photo. "Her name is Jenny and she is my secretary."

[Jimbuna]

So I heard Charles Manson is getting married..

Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong enough punishment either.

[BossMark]

walking up to the bar in my local, i said to my mate, have you seen those shores over there? he looked all around the place and puzzled said, what shores? i said, cheers mate, i'll have a pint of larger.

[Jimbuna]

Bob Geldof has said he could not believe how much some of the artists sacrificed just to attend the filming for band aid 30 video

Bono missed a TV show in L.A
Ed Sheeran missed a gig in Berlin
And Sinead O'Connor missed a shift at Matalan...

[BossMark]

Yesterday I saw dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefying rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your poop record this time.

[BossMark]

I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.

"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"

I said, "No mate, I feel fine."

[Jimbuna]

'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'

[BossMark]

Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.

[Jimbuna]

Bono survives a door falling off a plane, then falls off a bike and needs surgery.

Keep at it God!

[jacobston]

I was doing a research project on the Atlantic war, and I had to research the Submarine base at Brest... but when I googled "Brest" it gave me something completely different :o

[BossMark]

Eyes are turning to the next football World Cup and it's difficult to say who might win at this stage though.

Perhaps I should write to FIFA, I'm sure they already know...

[BossMark]

My wife found out I'm having an affair with an air stewardess and, boy, was she furious..

Made the rest of the flight very awkward.

[Jimbuna]

"Why has everything got to be a game with you?" My wife sighed.

"An excellent question love" I said, "but next time, please use the buzzer."

[BossMark]

I was reading about this 3 year old kid in China who weighs nearly 9 stone.

His parents say he's so fat he can hardly walk to work in the morning.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why does Foster's go through your system so fast?

A: Because it doesn't have to stop to change colour.

[BossMark]

A California man has stabbed his potential employer during a job interview.

At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.

[BossMark]

My wife thinks the reason she can't fit into anything any more is not because she's fat, but because everything has shrunk.

I'm pretty sure I've never seen our car in the washing machine...

[Jimbuna]

I was about to head out when my mum asked, "Where are you off to?"

"He'll probably be out chasing girls," my dad said, proudly.

"You've no idea," I replied, stuffing my balaclava into my pocket.

[BossMark]

I see it's the National Day of Monaco this week.

Monaco is an independent territory, but they're defended by France.

In other words, they're on their own..

[BossMark]

In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.

[Jimbuna]

The UK's first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a 'near miss' in Bristol earlier today.

Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend.

[BossMark]

Britain's first poop-powered bus service starts in Bath.

It's the No.2

[Jimbuna]

The UK's first bus powered entirely by human waste has left passengers in a dilemma today. When departing the bus should the fold down seats be left down or up.

[BossMark]

I told Atos I couldn't work due to my chronic diarrhoea.

They sent me to work as a fuel attendant at First Buses.

[Jimbuna]

I just got a text from my wife "When you get home I'll make all your fantasies come true x"

Bloody hell, I thought to myself she's actually going to hang herself.

[BossMark]

I've just changed over to those new 'low energy' light bulbs.

I'm not saying they are rubbish but I've just turned the light on and its gone darker.

[BossMark]

I see that Germany has had the brilliant idea of opening a new hotline, where people can call in, swearing and cursing at strangers on the other end.

It's not a first, though.

In the UK it's called 'Talk Talk Customer Service'.

[Buddahaid]

I just got a text from my wife "When you get home I'll make all your fantasies come true x"

Bloody hell, I thought to myself she's actually going to hang herself.

OK. That on got me. :arrgh!:

[Jimbuna]

Lee Evans has announced his retirement from comedy at the end of his current tour.

Someone finally showed him a Norman Wisdom film.

[BossMark]

My wife told me that when she took the kids to school there was a crunching noise when she put the car into reverse.

So I put on my overalls, got my tools and re-hung the garage door.

[Jimbuna]

Scientists warn if we don't act now to stop global warming, Ice Road Truckers could be cancelled as early as 2030.

[BossMark]

I was in the pub earlier and some bloke walked in. He had a massive right bicep, right leg and right shoulder but a really puny left hand side.

I laughed to the landlord and said look at the state of that. The landlord said "keep It down mate, you really don't want to get on the wrong side of him"

[BossMark]

The UK's first 'poo powered' bus has been involved in an accident in Bristol earlier today.

The bus left the road and plummeted into the river Avon - luckily it was a floater.

[Jimbuna]

I bought a book called 'How to become an expert at Origami'.

So far, I've made 1000 paper snowballs.

[BossMark]

My mate said, "Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"

"I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky sod!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

[Jimbuna]

I wrote some new hymns for the congregation to sing at my local church and the Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can't stop singing my praises.

[BossMark]

Historians in Ireland have just found what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man to have ever lived.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

[Jimbuna]

As soon as I got to class, I gave my teacher a sick note:

"Not bad" she said, "but I'm going to need to hear a bit more if you want to pass this music exam."

[Jimbuna]

I was in court today and the judge asked, "How do you plead?"

I replied, "Usually on my knees when I want to make love to my wife. But I'm here for parking on double yellow lines so fine me and bugga off."

[BossMark]

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[Jimbuna]

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.

[BossMark]

3 year old shoots and kills Mother while playing with gun.
Outrageous. You have to be at least 5 to own a gun in America..

[Oberon]

Why did Karl Marx's toilet always play music when it was flushed?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern...

[Eichhörnchen]

http://i.imgur.com/2NjOlc3.png?1


"I don't approve of this kind of lavatorial humour, young man..."

[BossMark]

My fine art and fragrances business has failed.
The perfumes sold well, but I didn't really know how to market the paintings I'd bought.

I've got more Monet than scents

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the epileptic Roman general?

His name was Julius Seizure.

[Jimbuna]

I see what you did there....naughty.

[BossMark]

Paddy goes into a Photo Shop with two photographs, one of his family and one of his old uncle Jack. He says to the Graphic designer.......

"We Never got a photo of the whole family with old Uncle Jack in it. Can You put this Photo of Jack into my family photo?"

"No Problem says the designer I can Photo shop it in......."

"And can you take his hat off " Says Paddy..." I Never liked it"

"Sure, No problem. But tell me what colour hair did he have ?"

Paddy Replies " Sure wont you see that when you take is hat off............"

[Jimbuna]

I live in Ferguson, and this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for these 10 playstations, and a garage full of Nikes.

[BossMark]

A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men's facial expressions than men have reading women's.

That's mostly because we're not looking at their faces ...

[Jimbuna]

After a long weekend of successfully deployed counter-terrorism tactics, I'm pleased to announce that finally...

...my mother-in-law has gone back to her home.

[BossMark]

Today across retailers all over Britain prices will be slashed in an event known as Black Friday...

That's everywhere except DFS where it is still the extended Bank Holiday Weekend Sale..

[Jimbuna]

I don't understand people fighting over Black Friday sale TV bargains in a Tesco in Glasgow City Centre.

Surely, tomorrow, they can just go round and steal them from each other's houses for absolutely no cost whatsoever as they normally would anyway.

[BossMark]

I went to tesco to see what all the fuss about Black Friday was about and got a bit carried away by the spirit of the crowd.

I managed to get myself three handbags, two purses, a wallet and a set of pensioners false teeth before the police arrived.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into a pub last night and said to the barman, "I'll have a pint of Guinness."

My date immediately looked at me and said, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Of course, how rude of me." I said, "I'll have a pint of Guinness PLEASE."