The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

The claustrophobic support group have banned me after I suggested a group hug.

[BossMark]

My boss called me.

"Why are you late?!" he asked angrily.

"I'm stuck behind a group of bikers." I replied.

"Can't you just ask them to move over?" he said.

"But they look aggressive," I said, "And the barman hasn't served them yet."

[Jimbuna]

Rumours emerge that Greece's prime minister, Tsipras will call a new election once the third bailout is passed.

Labour MPs are urging him to hand over power to Jeremy Corbyn.

[BossMark]

My wife was attacked last night and barely got away with her life.

"Did he try to cut your throat?" I asked, all upset.

"No, he didn't have a knife," she replied.

Well, if that useless bastard thinks he's getting the other half of his money he can think again.

[BossMark]

Traditionally, men get down on one knee to ask a woman for marriage.

And two knees to beg for a divorce.

[Jimbuna]

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer.
One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head. BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.
A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said... "I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

[BossMark]

Sports bras are meant to stop women's tits from jiggling up and down when they're jogging.

They ought to re-name them 'Spoil Sport Bras.'

[Jimbuna]

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.
As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?”
“No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”

[BossMark]

Two men got chatting and one complained he had lost his job and the Benefits office had only awarded him £128 per week to support his wife and child.

The other man said he gets £980 a week from the Benefits office and he was single.

How come you get so much and I don't said the first man.

Because I am the manager there, he replied.

[Jimbuna]

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/american/whilst-in-america-my-son-and-i-went-shopping-in-1649678#ixzz3gurScbSA

[BossMark]

"My family help Gary Barlow pay less tax."

"How? Are you accountants?"

"No, we just don't buy any of his records."

[BossMark]

My wife came home with a load of decorating gear.

"Not tonight dear, " I said, "I've got a headache. "

[BossMark]

One way to make illegal immigrants think twice about coming here ' divert the euro star from Dover to Blackpool .

[Jimbuna]

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

[BossMark]

Ahh my little 2 year old boy, you know, he's the only reason I get up in a morning..

...20 times.0 (http://www.sickipedia.org/other/children/ahh-my-little-2-year-old-boy-you-know-hes-1649935#ixzz3h5rdYMt0)

[Jimbuna]

Just heard on the news that a bloke has been shot dead with a starter pistol.

Police think it my be race related.

[BossMark]

A lost boy wandered up to me in the park.

"I can't find my mummy." he panicked, "Can you help me?"

"Depends," I replied.

"On what?" he frowned.

I said, "How sexy your mum is."

[Jimbuna]

Every time I see a loaf of Bread, I get a little bit sad.

Because I know those grains could've become Beer, but didn't.

[Eichhörnchen]

http://i.imgur.com/Z4qQWSa.jpg

[BossMark]

They've upgraded our office for wheelchair access.

Which means I now go everywhere on my swivel chair.

[BossMark]

My wife phoned me from the hospital..

"You must come," she cried. "My mother's taken a turn for the worse, she may only have a few hours left!"

"But Arsenal are playing Chelsea live on Sky," I replied.

"You can record it," she said.

You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with my camera and tripod.

[BossMark]

Katie Hopkins has stated that Britain needs euthanasia vans as we have far to many old people.

I agree, lets start with those who have inflicted the most misery upon us. Like Kate Hopkin's parents.

[Nippelspanner]

Katie Hopkins has stated that Britain needs euthanasia vans as we have far to many old people.

I agree, lets start with those who have inflicted the most misery upon us. Like Kate Hopkin's parents.
No idea who that is but wow... way to go Katie! :yeah:

[Jimbuna]

The Aussie first innings at Edgbaston today.

[Harvs]

^ i would have to agree with you there :yep:

[Jimbuna]

^ i would have to agree with you there :yep:

Not going to crow on because England are world champions at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

[BossMark]

I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off roading."

Then I saw them trying to park.

[Jimbuna]

Diego Maradona has took his ex-wife to court over allegations of her stealing 9 Millions Euros of his money.

Its a good job us Brits don't hold grudges, otherwise we'd be saying that the cheating, fat, Argentinian, hand-using, world cup ruining idiot deserved it.

[Harvs]

^ you forgot powder snorting.

[BossMark]

WhatsApp kept crashing on my phone, so I downloaded something called 'The Bugs Bunny' to sort it out.

It's a WhatsApp Doc.

[Jimbuna]

The date is getting nearer that Oscar Pistorius will be released after spending 10 months in prison.

That's ten months without sex.

So guys, lock up your daughters.

Not in the bathroom though.

[BossMark]

Cecil the Lion taught me two things.

The internet loves cats, and people bloody hate dentists.

[BossMark]

I had an argument with my wife in the pub and she stormed out.

A woman came over, put her hand on my arm and said, "She doesn't understand you."

"And you think you do?," I grinned.

"No," she replied, "it's just that I was at school with her and she's bloody thick."

[Jimbuna]

Newsflash!!!

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that will give you eternal youth. Records show that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested.

The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

[BossMark]

My daughter phoned to tell me she'd met a new guy, then she started screaming and I heard gunshots before the line went dead.

He sounds American.

[BossMark]

You can tell the recession is even affecting the Bin Laden's.

....From multi billion dollar buildings in New York to a couple of old jalopies in Hampshire.

[Jimbuna]

"Take me to your dealer." Said the alien to the first person he met.

"Don't you mean, leader?" He replied.

"This is Liverpool, I know what I mean!" said the alien.

[BossMark]

"Don't lie to me I know you are having an affair with the gardener" I said to my wife

"What made you suspect something?" she asked

"Because we live in a flat" I replied

[BossMark]

The piece of wing suspected to be part of the missing Malaysian flight MH370, which was washed up on a beach on the Island of Reunion, has now arrived in France.

It is believed that it is trying to make it's way to Calais in an attempt to cross the Channel to England.

[Jimbuna]

Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.
"What did you do that for?" the driver asked.
"I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car."
The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver. He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window. When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head.
"What did you do that for?" asked the startled passenger.
"Well," responded the trooper, "I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck woulda tried that with me!'"

[BossMark]

I wonder who will be found first?
That American dentist who is in hiding after killing Cecil the lion or a British dentist still taking NHS patients.

[Jeff-Groves]

Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.
"What did you do that for?" the driver asked.
"I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car."
The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver. He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window. When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head.
"What did you do that for?" asked the startled passenger.
"Well," responded the trooper, "I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck woulda tried that with me!'"
I prefer an earlier version post somewhere way back in this thread.
:D

[Harvs]

Quazimodo decided to retire so he advertised his job in the local paper.a bloke turned up for an interview so Quazi took him up into the bell tower to try him out." Have you ever done this type of work before?" he asked " never " the bloke replied so Quazi proceeded to show him what to do. Quazi told the bloke to stand back, took a run up and headbutted the bell and the most amazing sound was heard throughout the land. Quazi now asked the bloke to give it a try so the bloke takes his run up, headbutts the bell but only a dull clang is heard.The bloke is still standing there when the bell swings back and smacks him right in the kisser,the most amazing sound is heard throughout the land and the bloke is launched out of the tower and plunges to his death. Quazi scurries down the stairs and by the time he gets outside a crowd has gathered and the police are there." do you know this man?" The policeman asks Quazi." not really " he replies " but his face rings a bell "

[Jimbuna]

Quazimodo decided to retire so he advertised his job in the local paper.a bloke turned up for an interview so Quazi took him up into the bell tower to try him out." Have you ever done this type of work before?" he asked " never " the bloke replied so Quazi proceeded to show him what to do. Quazi told the bloke to stand back, took a run up and headbutted the bell and the most amazing sound was heard throughout the land. Quazi now asked the bloke to give it a try so the bloke takes his run up, headbutts the bell but only a dull clang is heard.The bloke is still standing there when the bell swings back and smacks him right in the kisser,the most amazing sound is heard throughout the land and the bloke is launched out of the tower and plunges to his death. Quazi scurries down the stairs and by the time he gets outside a crowd has gathered and the police are there." do you know this man?" The policeman asks Quazi." not really " he replies " but his face rings a bell "

24th July #8008

[Jimbuna]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....
.
The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

[Sailor Steve]

I prefer an earlier version post somewhere way back in this thread.
:D
Yeah, it's a joke I heard years ago and tell often, including posting here some in the deep dark past. :sunny:

[BossMark]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls
are getting on".

[Jimbuna]

My doctor has promised to cure my low blood pressure. He gave me a prescription to take to the newsagent.

"Don't you mean the chemist?" I asked.

"No," he said, "it's a year's subscription to the Daily Mail."

[BossMark]

As I left Liverpool after my annual visit to the in laws, I started to really miss certain things.
Namely my watch, phone and wallet.

[Jimbuna]

A young woman goes into the butcher's shop with her baby:

"My scales have broken down. Do you think you could weigh my baby for me?"

The butcher takes the baby into a side room and returns after a while with a plastic bag:

"3545 grams ... without bones."

[BossMark]

England and France have pleaded with UNICEF's Angelina Jolie to tackle the immigration problem by visiting Calais and adopting them all.

[BossMark]

Someone accused me of not knowing the concept of Skype.

I said, "Watch who you're talking to!"

[Oberon]

Australias current batting.

[BossMark]

Australias current batting.

60 all out
:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

Australias current batting.

Aye, thoroughly enjoyable watching :)

[Jimbuna]

Nigel Farage has called for the introduction of an Australian cricket-based immigration system...

All out in less than two hours.

[BossMark]

Cricket Australia.
Sponsored by Immodium.
Stopping you from getting the runs.

[Harvs]

8 for 15 :wah: time we moved "extras" up the batting order.

[BossMark]

I think I drank too much last night.....

I was more wasted than an Australian batsman's sun cream.

[Jimbuna]

Sylvester Stallone tells us that he is "better at painting than at acting."

I've never seen his paintings, but I agree with him.

[Harvs]

Ok, even though the Australian test team is pathetic, dont forget what nationality the English cricket coach is, an Australian taught England how to play, Australia just forgot how to play.

[Jeff-Groves]

Hey Buck up Mate!
I just saw Australia beat Great Britian last night.

Total Recall is a good movie!
:D
:03:

[Eichhörnchen]

http://i.imgur.com/YIyOB0I.jpg

[BossMark]

My son asked, "Dad, where do animals go when they die?"

I said, "It depends, son."

He asked, "On whether they were good or bad?"

I replied, "No, on whether they taste good or not."

[BossMark]

I was telling the wife that my granddad passed away just after grandma died.

"Aww." She said, "He must have been really close to her."


"Very." I told her. "In the passenger seat."

[Jimbuna]

Ok, even though the Australian test team is pathetic, dont forget what nationality the English cricket coach is, an Australian taught England how to play, Australia just forgot how to play.

Great joke considering he hasn't been in post for three months yet and straight after the match in a televised interview Cook (England Captain) made the following statements regarding Moores the previous England Coach and Bayliss the very recent incumbent...

We need to think Peter Moores as well. A lot of guys made huge developments under Moores. We have to remember him. This is for you too, Mooresy.

Trevor Bayliss? Well, he's only just turned up so let's not give him too much credit!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/cricket/international/theashes/11784477/Ashes-2015-live-England-vs-Australia-Fourth-Test-day-three-live.html

[Jimbuna]

A fit blonde walked up to me in the street yesterday and slipped a piece of paper in my hand with an address on it and the instruction to be there at 8pm tomorrow.

"Heck yes" I thought earlier today as I splashed on my Brute aftershave, "I'm getting laid tonight"

I waited outside for 15 minutes and she hadn't turned up., so I popped in and it was a Weight Watchers meeting.

Poor girl must have been so hungry, she wrote down the wrong address.

[BossMark]

I'm not saying my mate's rock hard, but his parachute didn't open when he went skydiving recently, so he took it back and got a refund.

[BossMark]

Some experts say that dumb people are fascinated by shiny things.
Well, that explains why woman love jewellery.

[Jimbuna]

Two compulsive liars are having a conversation when one says to the other,

'I jumped off that building the other day and died'

The other replies, ' I know I saw you'

[BossMark]

There's a guy down our pub who's so old that when he was a kid the Dead Sea was only ill.

[Lord_magerius]

Work out what your Australian surname is by adding "b Broad" to the end of it.

[BossMark]

I was just reading about a French couple who drove 150 kilometres after 'forgetting' their three year old daughter.

Monsieur and Madame McCann are unavailable for comment.

[Jimbuna]

Work out what your Australian surname is by adding "b Broad" to the end of it.

Nice one :)

[Jimbuna]

On reading the headline: "UK's most notorious address", the Houses of Parliament just sprang to mind.

I was surprised to learn that Dolphin Square, Pimlico has, for over a century, been a non-stop hotbed of nefarious high profile characters.

Hopefully it won't cost the taxpayer £3,500,000,000 to refurbish Dolphin Square.

[BossMark]

And God told Women "There will be honest and loyal Husbands in every corner of the World"

Then God made the world round and pissed himself laughing

[Jimbuna]

I called 999 for an ambulance today.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator.

"I stumped my toe on the coffee table." I replied.

"And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed.

I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed."

[BossMark]

My wife came back from the doctors really upset today.

"He told me we can't have any sex for two weeks," she sobbed.

"How come?" I said, looking really concerned.

"Because he's going on holiday tonight," she replied.

[Jimbuna]

BBC NEWS
'A man who tricked high-ranking Judges into thinking he was a Solicitor has been sentenced to 16 months in prison.'

He was originally given 4 years, but he managed to talk them down.

[BossMark]

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Tough question.

Which came first, that ugly bloke's nice car or his fit girlfriend?

Not so tough.

[BossMark]

A serious incident occurred in Manchester City Centre today.

The Police immediately responded to the incident by sending out three tweets and a Facebook post.

[Armistead]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[BossMark]

"So," said the judge, "This man is claiming that you shoved a monocle up his anus."

"I object"

"Yes, I know what a monocle is."

[Jimbuna]

I've just read the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

[Jimbuna]

I sat down in the dentist's chair.

"If you could just open up for me then," said the woman.

I said, "Well, I don't think my parents love me any more."

[BossMark]

More people die on Britain's roads each year than drowned when The Titanic sank.

Yet you still can't buy a car with a lifeboat.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend has lost a stone this week!

She put on 3 pounds so I took my engagement ring back.

[Jimbuna]

I was in North London this morning and I saw a bloke in a wheelchair. I said to him, "What happened to you?"

He replied, "I was in Nam."

I said, "What, Vietnam?"

He said, "No. Tottenham."

[BossMark]

In an exclusive interview Julian Assange has revealed his deepest fear.

Hearing the fire alarm go off.

[BossMark]

Police have arrested a man at a Heathrow Airport Tube station and recovered a pair of scissors after another man was attacked on the London Underground.

Apparently they are now looking for a man with a Rock and another with a piece of Paper.

[Eichhörnchen]

Q: What's pink and plays tennis?

A: Foetus Gerulaitis

[Harvs]

Q. What do you call a baby born in a house of ill repute ?

A. A brothel sprout

[BossMark]

If you hold a mackerel to your ear you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put it down

[Jimbuna]

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

[BossMark]

I asked this bloke with a massive tattoo of the union jack covering most of his neck.

"Excuse me mate, " I said, "but why do you need that on your neck? "

"It stops people asking me awkward questions, " he replied, "like for instance, what do you do for a living? "

[Jimbuna]

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.

I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

[BossMark]

I've currently got my head stuck in a vase, after I tried to pick out a Smartie from the bottom using just my teeth.
I've told my son to ring the fire brigade, but apparently, he doesn't know the number.


I don't know where that dumb so and so gets his bloody brains from, sometimes.

[Lord_magerius]

I was standing in the centre of Newcastle after a night out, eating my chips, when a local bird came staggering over, "Hey, handsome." she smiled, "Fancy taking me back to mine and giving me one?"

I said, "Not really, you fat bugger. Buy your own."

[BossMark]

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."

Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.

The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

[Jimbuna]

A white U.S. Government Official asked the Indian Chief "Two Eagles",
"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done. Considering all these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied,"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing - All night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[BossMark]

June Brown has announced that, at 88, she is going deaf and blind. She says she is looking forward to finally being able to sit through an entire episode of EastEnders.

[Jimbuna]

I surprised my wife with a poem today.

"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day?" I began.

"Awww. Go on then!" she winked.

"OK" I replied. "You're dull and miserable."

[BossMark]

I said to my wife, "I'll make the tea."

She said, "bloody hell, that's a first."

Four hours later I shouted from the kitchen, "Tea's ready."

She walked in mumbling, "About bloody time, I'm starving."

I said, "Do you want milk and sugar in yours?

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house.
"Decepticons" I told her.
She laughed, I laughed, the toaster and the coffee machine laughed too

[BossMark]

My wife started cooking for our guests and told me to prepare the table.

So I went in and told them all about her cooking.

[BossMark]

I witnessed a fire engine plough into a police car today.


I was going to call an ambulance, but that might've been asking for trouble.

[Jimbuna]

I stayed in a Turkish hotel whilst on holiday recently, it overlooked the sea.
Unfortunately, it also overlooked hygiene, good service and edible meals.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I can't stand people who think they're worse off than everyone else. My mate John lost both his legs and his voice in a tragic accident, but you never catch him making a song and dance about it.

[BossMark]

My mate has just got a job as a driver with Parcel Force. He said that on his first day on the job he was given a feather.

"What for?" I asked.

"It's what we use to knock on people's doors," he replied.

[Jimbuna]

After the leak of the hacked Ashley Madison adult dating website data I have discovered a long lost identical twin brother I didn't know I had. He even has the same name as me.

[BossMark]

Even though we've been married for years, I'm still living the single life.

crap food and no sex.

[Commander Wallace]

A man stopped at his local pub to have a few when he noticed an attractive woman and her friend eyeing him up. A short time later, she approached him and they started chatting. She discretely said " I will do anything you want for $ 20 dollars ". He thought a minute and put a $ 20 on the table and said " fine, go back to my place and clean my house "

[BossMark]

Caitlyn Jenner is distraught at the prospect of spending a year in a female prison.

Bruce Jenner is delighted his cunning plan could pay off.

[BossMark]

As Le President was keen to point out this morning, the real heroes of yesterday's train attack weren't the three arrogant Americans who overpowered the terrorist but the three hundred brave members of the French Resistance who created the necessary distraction by hiding under their seats and screaming. Vive la France

[Jimbuna]

I saw a bloke from my office on top of a multi-storey car park, threatening to jump off, so I asked a police officer if I could go up and talk to him.

"We've got specially trained officers talking to him right now, it's best if you wait down here," he said.

"Dave," I shouted up. "It's me, Pete from work. Will you move over just a little bit? You're directly above my car."

[BossMark]

My girlfriend says I've changed since becoming a manager at work.

She's still bitter about being rated 'Unsatisfactory' in her mid-year appraisal.

[Jimbuna]

George W. Bush wakes up one morning, feeling good. He calls in his Vice-President.
"Dick", he says, "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I'm going to call myself King."

"You can't do that," says Cheney, "you don't have a kingdom."

"Okay then," says Bush, "what about Emperor?"

"No good. You don't have an empire."

"Prince?"

"No. America isn't a principality."

"Okay... Err... Duke?"

"Nor is it a Duchy."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" asks an exasperated Bush.

Cheney smiles. "It's obvious, George," he says. "You run a country."

[Jimbuna]

I robbed the bank last week...

I got 15 billion pounds of debt.

[BossMark]

I walked into the doctor's with my newborn son this morning. I said, "Excuse me, doc. Sorry, I had to bring my boy with me for my appointment. My wife's at work, but don't worry, he's good as gold."

"Enjoy it while you can," he replied. "He might be as good as gold now but, trust me, he's going to be a little bastard in a few months."

"I don't know about that," I laughed.

"I do," he said, handing me my test results.

[BossMark]

An eight-year-old boy swaggered into a pub, sat on a barstool and said, "I'll have a large brandy and one of your finest cigars, please."
The barmaid swiftly assessed his tender years and replied, "Do you want to get me in trouble?"
"Maybe later; for now I'll just have the brandy and the cigar."

[Jimbuna]

"It's too hot to wear clothes today," my husband said to me, stepping out of the shower.

"What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this?" he asked.

"Probably that I married you for your money," I replied.

[Herr-Berbunch]

"It's too hot to wear clothes today," my husband said to me, stepping out of the shower.

"What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this?" he asked.

"Probably that I married you for your money," I replied.

Freudian slips there Jim? :timeout:

[Jimbuna]

Freudian slips there Jim? :timeout:

Ha....if the cap fits :)

[Jimbuna]

What's a ****zu?

A zoo with no animals.

[Herr-Berbunch]

My wife wanted to go see Jeremy Kyle* live.

I got her mum and sister pregnant, we're on next week. :D


*The UK's modern-day Jerry Springer, but with more impending coronary heart disease, fewer teeth, and a groan of 'who watches this? Surely the only audience are actually on it!'

[Herr-Berbunch]

It's been a really bad day today...

First, my ex got run over by a bus.

Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

[BossMark]

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them."

"No problem," I replied. "That's more than enough."

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."

[TCD]

Two eggs are in a fridge, talking:

- "Why are you green and hairy?".

- "Because I'm a Kiwi idiot"!

[BossMark]

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a crappy estate and surviving of benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

[Jimbuna]

Handing over my I.D. at the post office, the clerk blurts out, "You've worn a bit since this photo was taken."

"You're dead right love!" I replied. "I had it taken just before I joined your queue."

[BossMark]

All ships can be submarines... Once

[Jimbuna]

One day, a farmer was out mending fences and at some point along the way he lost his Bible.

A month later, one of his sheep walks up to him clutching the Bible between its teeth.

"Oh, Lord," exclaims the farmer as he drops to his knees, "Thank you Lord, it's a miracle!"

"Not really," says the sheep, "Your name's inside the cover, you daft bugga."

[BossMark]

Went on a date with a librarian last night, she cost me a bloody fortune.


My own fault really, keeping her out too long.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I'm extremely empathetic, and am willing to put myself in anyone's shoes.

Unless they're wearing crocs!

[Jimbuna]

I was asked by the Magistrate who I wanted as my Probation Officer upon release from prison, and I told him my wife would do, "why do you want your wife as your Probation Officer" and I told him she has never let me complete a sentence yet!

[BossMark]

I stood on the top deck of the ocean liner with my son and we stared out into the icy wilderness.

"Hey, dad, do you think we'll see the whale surface again this morning?" asked my young son.

"Not a chance, son; the fat cow will be in bed until the 1pm free buffet starts."

[BossMark]

The one good thing i admire about my wife.

Is her incredible great taste in men.

[Berserker]

You know you are getting old when,your dreams are dry and your farts are wet..:o

[BossMark]

My wife and I just bought a full-size snooker table and I realised that we would have to work together to carry it back home. So in the end she took the table, the balls, the cues, the extension, the triangle, the spider and the chalk...

And I took the rest.

[Sailor Steve]

The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

[Jimbuna]

I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.

On the bright side, I got my bike back.

[BossMark]

I said to my wife, "Darling, when I die I'm leaving everything to you."

"Why break a habit of a lifetime?" she replied.

[BossMark]

My daughter asked, "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"

I replied, "Because it saw your mother naked."

[Sailor Steve]

The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.

[Jimbuna]

If you see 'Made in England' written on a product you know that it is going to work.
Ironically, if you see a person with 'Made in England' tattooed on them it's completely the opposite.

[magic452]

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point.

The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

Magic

[Sailor Steve]

Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you!

[BossMark]

I've just been knocked over on a pedestrian crossing.

The guy apologised then helped me flip my Smart Car.

[Jimbuna]

Before women had the vote in the UK, there was no Terrorism, the economy was good, AIDS wasn't a big deal and we had an Empire....

Look what you've done women.

[BossMark]

In at number 3) it's Blair.

New at number 2) it's Ritchie.

And a new entry at number 1) we have Messi.


It's the Lionel countdown.

[Jimbuna]

^ Yep, pretty close to the mark.

[Jimbuna]

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

[Sailor Steve]

The person whose job it was to proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a Grammar Nazi.

[BossMark]

There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.

[BossMark]

The French have invented a process to turn wine waste into fuel.

Because it turns something useless into something that can make a lot of money, they're calling it "Vin Diesel".

[Jimbuna]

Politicians are like women's moods.

It's the rest of us who has to pay for them.

[Eichhörnchen]

^ Yep, pretty close to the mark.

(Post deleted)

[BossMark]

I walked up to a guy in the street, and asked, "Have you seen my daughter? She's been missing since yesterday," then showed him a photo.

Confused, he said, "That's just a picture of an empty chair."

"I know, mate," I replied. "I just told you she's bloody missing!"

[Jimbuna]

I went for a job interview the other day. One of the questions I was asked was "what is your motto?"

"Whatever you do, never quit" I replied.

Today I received a letter. "Dear Sir, unfortunately your application for the position of manager of the Stop Smoking campaign was unsuccessful."

[BossMark]

Watching the news today made me realise just how lucky I am.

Everyone else in the street has a power cut.

[BossMark]

My mate was telling me he had found his 'forever woman'.

"I found mine years ago, " I said. "Forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging..."

[Jimbuna]

So a passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls.

Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade.

[BossMark]

"How did your grammar competition go?"

I losed.

[BossMark]

Customer: "Would you like to know how you can sell a lot more coffee?"

Starbucks Owner: "Yes of course. How?"

Customer: "By selling a lot less froth".

[Jimbuna]

This Christmas naughty children will be receiving Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.

[BossMark]

The papers report that a marksman has been hired to shoot contraceptive darts into wild horses to stop them over-breeding and destroying the landscape.

Surely he would be better employed in town centres on Friday nights.

[BossMark]

What do you get if you cross a pigeon with a parrot?

Voice mail.

[Jimbuna]

"So could you give us your version of events?" Said the police in the interview room, after my arrest following my wife's murder.

"Well she told me she had been having an affair with the neighbour and I just lost it." I told them. "First came the argument, louder and more evil insults were getting flung around and it wasn't long before it turned into a fight. I slammed the sole of my foot into her knee, pushed right through it, dropping her down instantly. I thought her screams would attract attention, so I dropped to my own knees, right onto her chest, severely winding her.
I was on fire then, so I grabbed her hair, slammed her head into the kitchen floor a couple of times and gouged out both her eyes. Then for good measure I squirted superglue all up her nose and over her lips to suffocate her. I couldn't just calm down though and I grabbed a big heavy frying pan and for a good twenty minutes just kept slamming it down on her cheating crotch, belly, chest, throat, face and skull."

"Dear god!" Croaked one visibly upset copper, "Why?"


"It was stuck to my hand."

[BossMark]

"Why do you always treat me like a kid?" asked my wife.

"Good question, love," I said, "but next time raise your hand before you ask me a question."

[Jimbuna]

If you see a cinema in Soho which claims to be showing Free Willy, don't go in.

It's not a cinema.

[BossMark]

Selling a pair of jeans on ebay and the buyer asks if they're pet and smoke free

I told her if the dog was able to walk around in jeans and smoke I wouldn't need to sell crap on ebay.

[Jimbuna]

My wife got back from shopping and said to me:
"I spent 10 minutes trying to unlock someone else's car earlier. I swear, sometimes I think I'm retarded, haha!"

"Don't worry, I do that all the time!" I replied.

"What? Mix up our car with a different one?" she said.

"No, think you're retarded."

[BossMark]

Fresh calls have gone out for military intervention in Syria after it was revealed that Bono is in talks with them to release a charity single in a matter of weeks.

[BossMark]

Sky Sports News; Iceland qualifies for Euro 2016.

In other news, Wayne Rooney is worried England will be drawn in the same group as either Tesco or Asda.

[Jimbuna]

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

[BossMark]

Came home to find my missus stood in the hall wearing riding boots and holding a whip.

"Oh great," I thought. "Where the hell are we going to keep a horse?"

[Jimbuna]

I was out until six this morning celebrating my wife's birthday.

She was absolutely livid when I got home!

[BossMark]

Screwfix sponsors ITV's coverage of England football.

FIFA are said to be very interested.

[Jimbuna]

- How did you spend Christmas?
- It was nice! We danced around the Christmas tree, holding hands...
- And why do you have scratches all over your face?
- Well, there were just two of us...

[BossMark]

My son was doing his homework and asked what Armageddon was. He got upset when I told him I didn't know.
I thought to myself, bloody hell, it's not the end of the world is it.

[Jimbuna]

There was a guy sitting next to me on a plane last week who looked so identical to me it was scary, finally I plucked up the courage to ask him his name and amazingly it was exactly the same as mine
I was beside myself!

[BossMark]

After taking a photo of my dad with the fish he just caught, he told me to throw it in the river.

Totally ruined his camera.

[BossMark]

My grandfather was a bit of a whiz at disarming unexploded bombs in world war two.

He had a ninety nine per cent success rate out of one hundred unexploded bombs.

[BossMark]

I said to my wife, "I've bought 2 tickets for the cinema tonight."

"But what about the kids?" She asked.

I said, "I've ordered that baby sitter from number 76 to come round."

She said, "Is that the young, pretty, blonde one with the big boobs?"

"Yes," I replied. "Your sister is picking you up at 7."

[BossMark]

By a quirk of fate, I gave up cigarettes and beer on the same day that I won the lottery.

It's champagne and cigars from here on in.

[BossMark]

I fell over at a fancy dress party last night, breaking a table on my fall.

The barmaid shouted, "You'd better fix that!"

"It's just a costume," I replied. "I'm not really Bob the bloody Builder."

[BossMark]

A pilot friend of mine loves quoting the old saying "A good landing is one you can walk away from".

Presumably, then, an excellent landing is one after which you can re-use the aircraft?

[Catfish]

A guide is showing a Texan the Niagara Falls. "I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas!"

"Nope, I reckon we don't," said the Texan. "But we've got plumbers who could fix it."

[BossMark]

I remember being in class 4B2 at school.

We were as thick as two short planks.

[BossMark]

I was on a first date.

"How many women have you slept with?" she asked.

I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?"

"Oh, I say! Go on then," she laughed.

I said, "Zero."

[BossMark]

My wife and I have finally found we have something in common.

We both wish she was married to George Clooney.

[BossMark]

Pulled a Gypsy bird last night and she asked me if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.

She wasn't bloody kidding! I went on the Dodgems, Waltzers,
Ghost train and left with a goldfish.

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about the new movie, constipation?

It never came out.

[Jimbuna]

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds."

Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.'

The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised!'

[BossMark]

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

[Jimbuna]

Paddy and Mick are in jail. Mick looks through the bars of Paddy's cell to see him hanging by his feet.

Mick: Paddy, what are you doing?

Paddy : I'm trying to hang myself.

Mick: Surely the rope should be around your neck Paddy?

Paddy: I tried that Mick, but I couldn't breathe.

[BossMark]

Samantha Cameron said to David, "Do you fancy pigs in blankets?"

He said, "They're ail right, but I prefer them with nothing on."

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS:

Bad accident at the Nestle factory. Forklift truck driver badly injured after thousands of boxes of white chocolate collapse on top of him. Assistance took ages to arrive because his shouts of "the Milky Bars are on me" were greeted with loud cheers.....

[BossMark]

Only Fools and Horses has been voted Britain's best sitcom.

Tributes include one from Prime Minister, who says he's always been a fan of the Trotters.

[Sailor Steve]

I just saw this on FaceBook. Normally I hate these "Copy and past this if you..." posts, but this was just too good not to share.




"Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their statuses. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my truly sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they're sarcastic by nature. If you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win."

[BossMark]

Thanks to Volkswagen, I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron has finally issued a formal denial of the rumour going around, saying that while the initiation ceremony was going on he was having a quiet pint in his local pub.

He told reporters, "I was in the Hog's Head at the time."

[BossMark]

A report this week reveals more people die in accidents while taking selfies than are killed by sharks.

It's a start.

[BossMark]

After the Volkswagen fiasco, motoring organisations all over the world are demanding an investigation into software installed in BMW to prevent the indicators working.

[Jimbuna]

My son failed his medical exams, so to make a point, I parked the car outside a medical practice.

"This should have been you," I said.

"I wouldn't work in an abortion clinic anyway," he replied.

I don't think he got the point.

[BossMark]

Volkswagen senior management appear quite calm as they face this testing time.

Inside though, they're secretly fuming.

[Jimbuna]

A hotel was all abuzz about a wedding; the groom was 95 and his bride was only 23.
The groom looked very frail and everyone was worried that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy and lively young woman.
But next morning, it was the bride who looked exhausted and dishevelled; she limped down the stairs, clinging to the banister. She finally made it to the reception desk, and the clerk asked "What happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride hung onto the counter and groaned "Oh God! He told me he'd been saving up for over 70 years - I thought he meant his money."

[BossMark]

I've finally managed to stop smoking.

I just sold my VW on Auto trader.

[Catfish]

Any automobile should have a rear sticker:

The Secretary of State for Trade and Industry advises:
"Your health may be hazardous to the german automobile industry."

[BossMark]

Where there's smoke.....





......... there's a VW Polo nearby.

[BossMark]

My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...

She'll be back when she's hungry.

[Jimbuna]

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

[BossMark]

My first day working in a factory the boss came up to me and asked, "How are you getting on?"

I said, "To tell you the truth, I can't believe I'm working in England with all of these different languages. Take that guy over there for example..."

"That's Pawel." He replied, "He's Polish.

"Okay," I said, "fair enough. What about that guy, over there. What language is he speaking?"

"That's Gabor." He replied, "He's Hungarian."

"Okay." I replied, "What about him over there mumbling to himself. What bloody language is he speaking?"

He said, "That's Bob, he's a Geordie."

[Jimbuna]

Clubbers in Leeds have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum'

[Catfish]

They always talk about freedom of religion.
I support that. I would like if the peoples of this world would be free of religion.

[ninoolchie]

A blond was driving on the interstate and came upon a long line of cars in the break down lane. At the end of the line was a Brunette jumping up and down. Curious the Blonde pulled over at the end of the line, got out to see what was happening. The Brunette was just jumping up and down saying 41...41...41... The Blonde thought that looks fun so she started doing the same...41...41...41.Then an 18 wheeler came by and the Brunette grabbed the Blonde, threw her in front of the truck and wham. Then continued jumping,saying 42...42...42




galaxy s6 edge hülle (http://www.hulle6.com/category-samsung-galaxy-s6-edge-zubehoer-188.html)

[BossMark]

I went to bed last night thinking I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.

Woke up this morning feeling fine.

[BossMark]

Every now and then I like to learn a new swear word.

So I park in front of my neighbour's driveway.

[Jimbuna]

Hurry – Limited Time Opportunity to Stop Posts Like This One

[Jimbuna]

Leeds United boast more websites than any other football club, over a thousand in fact, and you can locate them all inside their trophy cabinet.

[BossMark]

They say a dog is a man's best friend...

I'm undecided now, after the mess my Jack Russell made of his speech at my wedding.

[Jimbuna]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

[BossMark]

Running water found on Mars.

The water board has announced that a meter will be installed next week.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is like a luxury German car. She emits gases then denies it.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[BossMark]

My wife said to me, "If you go to the pub again tonight you can forget about sex with me".

The hard part is saving the fist pump until I'm outside.

[Jimbuna]

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

THERE WAS A LONG SILENCE....................





"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"

[BossMark]

"Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? "

"No dad were not, but please stop for a fag, you're driving us mad. "

[BossMark]

I think that Apple products are the best in the world.

There's nothing better than getting pissed on cider.

[Jimbuna]

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally shoots him.She immediately dials the emergency service.......

Irish woman:"Its my husband!!! I've accidentally shot him,i think I've killed him!!!

Operator:"Please calm down mam,can you first make sure he is actually dead!"

*Click* *BANG*

Irish woman:Okay, I've done dat.......................What's next?????

[BossMark]

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

[BossMark]

It's a leap year next year. What's Bet365 going to do about that, eh?

[Jimbuna]

England RFC have decided not to sell the team bus.
They will use it for a visit to Longleats safari Park as that's the only LIONS TOUR they will be seeing.

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me that she'd take me to the cleaners in our divorce. "Why?" I asked, "cleaning is your job."

[BossMark]

Because ITV are showing all the Rugby World Cup games, the BBC have resorted to showing Gay Rugby instead, or "American Football" as it's otherwise known.

[Jimbuna]

When asked about the reasons why he resigned, Sunderland manager Dick Advocaat said, "Someone poured lemonade over me and it just snowballed from there"

[BossMark]

I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement - I can't believe it's been thrown away.

Those bags are worth 5p now!

[Jimbuna]

I woke up from my anasthesia and saw my doctor standing over me, smoking a cigarette.

"Blimey!" I said. "You smoke, doc?"

"Yes," he said, smiling, "but only when I've had sex."

[BossMark]

You have to feel sorry for Harrods.

Having to reduce their carrier bags to 5p.

[Jimbuna]

How can people moan about five pence for a carrier bag?

I've paid a pound for every trolley in my garden.

[BossMark]

I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the WiFi password.

"Have some respect for the dead!" He said.

"OK," I replied. "Is that all lower-case without spaces?"

[BossMark]

Let us not forget the terrible event that occurred 56 years ago on this very day.

Simon Cowell was born.

[Jimbuna]

I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

[BossMark]

I see the McCanns have closed their Twitter account.

Or maybe they just left their PC unattended...

[Herr-Berbunch]

Or maybe they just left their PC unattended...

That's ok, they'd have put it in to sleep mode first. :-?

[BossMark]

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

[Jimbuna]

Top Tip:

Forget rip off sites like Friends Reunited and Genes Reunited. If you want to get in contact with long lost friends or relatives...

Simply win the lottery.

[BossMark]

My blonde girlfriend had just finished typing up her English paper, when she said, "I think there's something wrong with your printer."

I asked, "Oh, why's that?"

She replied, "It's not printing the red squiggly lines under all the words."

[BossMark]

I was astonished when I heard that Sepp Blatter had appeared before the FIFA Ethics Committee.

FIFA has an Ethics Committee???