The joke thread

[BossMark]

"I can't believe they show this rubbish on TV, just because it is a cup final. It's not real football, the players are sub-standard and nobody is really interested."

"That's very sexist" said my wife, "Women's football has come a long way in recent years, it is now professional and has a strong domestic league and international competitions."

"Who's talking about Women's football, I mean the Scottish Cup"

[Jimbuna]

My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight.

I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

[BossMark]

My mate said, "How's your headache, Mark?"

I said, "Hopefully, she'll get run over on her way back from Asda."

[Jimbuna]

My mate Jim says i'm schizophrenic, which is weird because I don't have a mate called Jim.

[BossMark]

My son said, "Dad, why did you call me Mark Spencer?"

I said, "Well, me and your mother went shopping one day and one thing led to another."

He said, "So I was conceived in M&S?"

I said, "Not exactly. There was an unattended pram outside."

[Jimbuna]

It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit...

[BossMark]

I came home from work today to find my blonde wife had dug out a pond in the back garden.

She said, "I don't know what I'm going do with all this soil."

I said, "Dig a hole and bury it."

She said, "Good idea, I never thought of that."

[Jimbuna]

"I'm so embarrassed about how I acted last night."

Mumbled Vin Diesel, after every one of his film premieres.

[BossMark]

I saw a sign at a local restaurant saying, "Dads eat for free on Father's Day", so I booked a table for me and my old man.

I've got a kid too, so they'll be getting bugger all money from us.

[soopaman2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WejYdT3Lof8

Hilarious!

Speech made in 2003.

No seriously hilarious, especially to those outside the USA.

We as a people, a big Benny Hill skit. Just play Yakety Sax, and watch us scamper.


Have fun ya all!

*Yakety Sax makes everything funny, listen to the above vid with that in your head*

His facial expressions almost match the music if you play them simultanious, seriously, it is lol worthy.

Cue up yakety sax, and my vid at the same time for even more LULZ

(edit: it is mildly amusing, give it a chance) GWB speeches are destined for Benny hill music)

[BossMark]

My mate asked me to recommend him the most unrealistic film.

I told him to watch the first 10 minutes of any pornographic film.

[soopaman2]

My mate asked me to recommend him the most unrealistic film.

I told him to watch the first 10 minutes of any pornographic film.


You trying to say you do not watch those films for the story?

You are truly missing out.

After all, the "cable man" and the "horny widow" has never ever been done before, and maybe, just once, something different might happen!:D

Gotta check them all out, just in case, using the mouse with my off hand is awkward, but anything for science. :D

[Jimbuna]

"Paddy, I've noticed you pushing your bike to work the last two days?"

"I know, the chain's snapped but I've got my sandwiches and flask in the basket!"

"Why don't you just carry them?"

"Don't be stupid, how could I then push me bike?"

[BossMark]

My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"

I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."

He said, "So what happened?"

I said, "Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your bloody Mother."

[Jimbuna]

Did you ever walk into a room and forgot why you went there? Yeah, that's how I lost my job as a firefighter.

[BossMark]

I was having lunch with a female colleague when I saw my wife come in.

"It's my wife! I have to hide." I whispered.

"Don't be silly, your wife can't possibly object to you having lunch with someone you work with" she said.

"She can if she thinks I died in 1995".

[Jimbuna]

There is no Britain's Got Talent on ITV tonight...

It has been replaced by England's Got No Talent at an 8pm kick off.

[BossMark]

Having heard the town nymphomaniac had moved next door, Paddy asked Murphy if she had tried it on with him.

"Not once" he replied. "She's an awfully forgetful shopper though. At least three times in the past week she's come knocking on my door in just her dressing gown asking if she can borrow some sugar."

[Jimbuna]

On Monday I said to my boss, 'I have a dentist's appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?'

'No problem', he said.

On Friday he pulled me up and said, 'What's this? You've put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o'clock on Monday.'

I replied, 'I know, I told you I'd make the time up.'

[fireftr18]

Did you ever walk into a room and forgot why you went there? Yeah, that's how I lost my job as a firefighter.

:k_rofl::Kaleun_Thumbs_Up:

A big thumbs up from me buddy!

[Jimbuna]

"Hate preachers could be banned from TV."

Don't think that's going to do much good, they're all big fans of the tellyban.

[BossMark]

I was stopped by a Korean prostitute in the park last night.

She smiled and said, "I'll eat you for breakfast, you handsome thing."

I still don't know whether she was talking to me or my dog.

[Jimbuna]

Just sent in an application form to live on mars, I told my mother-in-law and she said "what planet are you living on, are you mad?"
I replied "I'm living on Earth, the application form is for you"

[BossMark]

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms.

Happy Days.

[Jimbuna]

'I will prove people wrong', says Mark Hughes.

Of course he meant the people on the Stoke City board.

[BossMark]

When my son passed his driving test, I got him a car.

When my daughter passed hers, I got her a resit with a female examiner.

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS: Several Nuns stop using Club Cards to prevent Tesco from knowing they're buying habits.

[BossMark]

I was standing waiting to get served in Greggs when this woman came back into the shop after going out.

"Excuse me, is that your car out there?" She asked, pointing to my car.

"Yes it is." I answered.

"Well," she replied. "How I'm I supposed to even begin to get in my car with the space you've left me?"

"You could start by not coming here for lunch fatty." I said.

[Jimbuna]

I haven't spoken to my mother in law for months now. I don't like to interrupt her.

[BossMark]

"How did you find the weather on your lads holiday?" Asked my wife.

I said, "I just opened the door and it was there!"

[Jimbuna]

When our large family moved to a bigger house, everybody got their own room, except me.

"It's not fair", I yelled.

"I don't want to share either", said my wife.

[BossMark]

What's with all these kids in the Britain's got talent final?

If it was on the BBC I'd be seriously suspicious.

[Jimbuna]

I've just opened a Spanish themed library.

There's no books, only manuels.

[frau kaleun]

There's no books, only manuels.

Are they from Barcelona?

[BossMark]

Somebody's stole my model submarine collection ...how could they sink so low ...

[Jimbuna]

Had a massive fight with my Greek wife in the kitchen earlier.


Unsmashed plates all over the place now.

[BossMark]

There are times when I wish I'd never got married.

AM and PM.

[Jimbuna]

I saw a lady parking in the pay and display car park just as I was leaving.

"Do you want a ticket?" I asked her, handing out mine.

"Yes please she said" smiling.

"No worries, if you go to that machine over there you can buy one exactly like this one" I said, showing her mine.

[BossMark]

"But I think its that I remember that you had two little boys"

"Objection!"

"Sustained"

"Prosecuting counsel please do not sing questions to Mr Harris"

[Jimbuna]

My new job as a street litter collector is going well, I am picking it up as I go along ..

[BossMark]

I wrote to Andrex last night wrongly accusing them of false advertising on their toilet rolls as they stated 120 sheets. It was my mistake though, As I thought it said "Enough For"

[frau kaleun]

I wrote to Andrex last night wrongly accusing them of false advertising on their toilet rolls as they stated 120 sheets. It was my mistake though, As I thought it said "Enough For"


:rotfl2:

Reminds me of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bH56PuqaFJg

[Jimbuna]

As I answered the door last night my wife shouted, "If that's Dave tell him your not going out, it's my night out tonight."

Laughing he said, "Sounds like someone's under the thumb."

I said, "Give it 10 minutes, she'll change her mind."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Positive, I've just made her a coffee and popped a few laxatives in it."

[BossMark]

A friend of mine caught a massive shark, despite losing both arms.

I asked how big it was and he said: "It was this..... Oh... crap."

[Jimbuna]

My broadband provider has told me that I've exceeded my limit.

Serves me right for trying to download a picture of my wife.

[BossMark]

My boss at the post office hauled me into his office.

I could tell by his face that he wasn't a fan of origami.

[Jimbuna]

I knew a bloke once who had severe narcolepsy, but he still managed to become senior lift attendant in a large office block.

I reckon he must have slept his way to the top.

[BossMark]

The alien leader stared at his crew with pride. "We've travelled thousands of light years to arrive at our objective. Nothing can stop us, the most technologically advanced species, from achieving our mission."


"Now, let's go make some crop circles."

[Jimbuna]

It looks as if logic has gone out the window again.

With a name like that you would think he'd use a door.

[BossMark]

I was on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and had won £50000. Chris Tarrant then asked what I would do with my money:

"Last year my wife and I went on a cruise to the Indian Ocean and we loved it, 50000 is enough for a new yacht, Chris".

"OK, the next one will take you to £75000, any plans for that?" he asked.

"I'll probably pay the £20000 ransom to get my wife back from Somalia."

[Platapus]

I was on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and had won £50000. Chris Tarrant then asked what I would do with my money:

"Last year my wife and I went on a cruise to the Indian Ocean and we loved it, 50000 is enough for a new yacht, Chris".

"OK, the next one will take you to £75000, any plans for that?" he asked.

"I'll probably pay the £20000 ransom to get my wife back from Somalia."

Does that include the return of the yacht?

[BossMark]

Saw a sign on the train saying "please give this seat to an elderly person"

so i unscrewed it and took it to my granddads house

[BossMark]

Jesus turned water into wine.

My wife just turned her car into a parking space without hitting anything.

Your move Jesus.

[Jimbuna]

The dogs in my area are so clumsy.

I've just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the newsagents.

[BossMark]

"Man of steel? Iron man? Pair of pussies, come on I'll take you both on."

"And just who the hell are you?"

"They call me Rust."

[Jimbuna]

After a hard day's work, I got to my car, put my hand in my pocket and quickly realised that I'd lost my keys.

I'd never been so happy to see a bloke in a Liverpool top across the street.

[BossMark]

I got a lovely Father's Day card this weekend.

You learn something new every day.

[Jimbuna]

I lost my job and my wife on the same day.

Cheers Euromillions.

[BossMark]

I don't think much of Nigella Lawson's new recipe..

Adam's apple crumble.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Not a joke, but I'm making one out of it -

BossMark to move to Newham, London.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22934305 :O:

[BossMark]

Not a joke, but I'm making one out of it -

BossMark to move to Newham, London.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22934305 :O:
Off to estate agents first thing in morning :D

[Jimbuna]

Bad News: Starbucks bans smoking within 10 metres of its stores.

Worse News: Most Starbucks are only 10 metres from another Starbucks.

[BossMark]

"I can't decide" said my wife.
"Shall we go for Sweet 'n' Sour or Cheese 'n' Chive?"

"To be honest, I've changed my mind completely" I replied.
"I'm not letting you name our twins".

[Jimbuna]

I've just bought this Diana sat-nav, it's useless.
It just keeps saying "put your foot down, i think we can loose em!"

[BossMark]

At 70 years of age, Charles Saatchi's hearing isn't what it was.

At the end of their meal, all Nigella said was "Darling, please grab my coat".

[Stealhead]

I'll try make this PG and still funny.

A guy walks into a house of ill repute he sees a guy walk down the stairs and out the door. The Madame says "He's Finnish". The guy sees another man run up the stairs and down the hall.

The Madame says "He's Russian".

The guy walks past a room and hears a man inside the madame says "Himalayan".

[Jimbuna]

For all the naysayers who don't think Scottish Independence would be a good idea, I say this:

Horses can't vote anyway, so no-one cares what you think.

[BossMark]

Aww, my wife is so thoughtful. She's obviously out buying me a whole new wardrobe.

That would explain why all my clothes be in bin bags on the front door step.

[Jimbuna]

I don't know what the headline should be..

The Queens Horse Wins at Ascot

or

The Queen Smiles for the first time in History

[BossMark]

My wife text me today, 'Theres something wrong with my phone. I don't think my messages are getting through.

I text back, 'They are getting through.'

'How can you be sure?' She replied back.

[Jimbuna]

I never know whether to be angry or impressed when I can't get the lid off a tube of superglue.

[BossMark]

Am I the only one wishing they had put Mick Philpot in he Big Brother House?

[Jimbuna]

My wife just told me that she would take a bullet for me. That's so romantic.
Now, where does one buy a gun?

[BossMark]

Robbie Savage : "Having poor teams like Tahiti devalues tournaments."

Says the man who played for Wales.

[Jimbuna]

Even though I'm in my forties, I still chase girls.

It just needs to be downhill these days.

[BossMark]

Syrian rebels are risking their own lives with DIY weapons.
You have to get pretty close to your enemy before you can drill a hole in them I guess.

[Jimbuna]

I went to party last night dressed up as a slice of bread.

The birds were all over me.

[BossMark]

My wife's doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow, and I am genuinely terrified that the chute might not open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.

[Jimbuna]

The wife and I are going to King's Cross station tomorrow, we're on our way to visit Hogwarts.

Or her 'Mother', as she's told me to call her.

[BrucePartington]

I know this post from Dowly is old, but it is still valid and up to date. Scary what you find there.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=site%3Asubsim.com+joke+thread

[Jimbuna]

"And why do you think you could win Britain's Got Talent?", Simon Cowell asked me at my audition.

"Well, Simon.." I began. "My wife recently died after tripping over our Jack Russell terrier and tumbling down the stairs, breaking her neck.."

"And you've come on my show.." he interrupted "wanting the public to vote you the winner, because you've got a tragic sob story?"

"No, Simon." I replied.

"Because I've got a dog that won't stop laughing."

[BossMark]

Five and a half years for Jeremy Forrest and fifteen months for Stuart Hall.

Just goes to prove that there's one rule for one and one rule for more than one.

[BossMark]

The new Ford Fiesta I bought my wife yesterday came with a free two week holiday in the Bahamas.


After a month of being driven by her, it'll bloody need one.

[Jimbuna]

A man at the gym was saying his wife can bench press 150 lbs.

He said, "How many pounds does your wife lift?"

I replied, "Just whatever's in my wallet."

[BossMark]

I was at the pub when a prostitute approached and sat right next to me.

"I know what you want," she said as she pressed herself upon me.

"Why don't you order 5 pints of lager then?" I said.

[Jimbuna]

Trying to give up smoking I bought some of those patches from the chemists.
I've put them over my wife's mouth.
No moaning, no stress, no need to smoke.

[BossMark]

The local gangster sat next to me in the pub with his stunning girlfriend, I pretended I was sending a text and took a photo of her impressive cleavage.

Next time I'll make sure the flash is off.

[Spiced_Rum]

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about Jeremy Forrest? The only maths teacher who can have 30, take away 15 and get five and a half.

[BossMark]

I'm not surprised to hear Wimbledon is Andy Murray's favourite time of the year.

For two weeks most people pretend to like the miserable sod.

[Jimbuna]

Kanye West has named his son "North West".

Take the mick out of that name all you want but that kid's going straight to the top!...and slightly to the left.

[BossMark]

I see teacher Jeremy Forrest got 5 and half years - At least he'll be out for Megans 21st

[frau kaleun]

straight to the top!...and slightly to the left.

In that case maybe his middle name should be Bynorth. :O:

[Jimbuna]

Andy Murray gave an unusually entertaining interview after his match today.

I think he's had a personality transplant.

True, it seems to have been from a cadaver donor.

[BossMark]

10 stone testicles on TV last night. Or as they prefer to be called, Jedward

[Spiced_Rum]

A little girl walks into her parent's bedroom.
"Holy heck" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb!"

[Spiced_Rum]

Recently disclosed government papers report that the Irish Special Forces had been on stand by to assist US forces in Pakistan, but

on being given the go signal, they stormed Debenhams in Dublin after hearing that Summer Bed Linen was on the first floor. 3 bed sheets were shot!

[BossMark]

I love finding money that I've forgotten about, I've just found a bag with 250 pounds in it.

It was in my brothers room, under his bed, in a sock, behind a loose brick in the wall.

I don't remember putting in there but now I can afford to go out on the piss.

[Spiced_Rum]

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

[Jimbuna]

Someone asked me to describe how it feels to have a speech impediment like Jonathan Ross'.

It's hard to say really.

[BossMark]

A young Scouse boy is telling his Dad how awesome his Xbox 360 is. To which his Dad replied, "I didn't have anything like that when I was your age. All I had was a PS1."

[Jimbuna]

"Can you just see me in one of them?" Asked my wife pointing to the other side of the road as we were sat in traffic. I hope she meant the hearse that was behind the lovely Mercedes.

[BossMark]

My wife phoned me today and said, "Where are you? It's pissing down and I've forgot my key."

I said, "I'm in bed sorry."

She screamed, "Are you joking? I want you to get out of bed, walk down the stairs and open the door, NOW!"

"What would be the point in that?" I replied. "Your sister lives 20 minutes away."

[Jimbuna]

I spent several years at a harsh institution. Up at the crack of dawn, constant threats, bullying & intimidation.

I was eventually transferred to another hell hole, even tougher where I spent another 5 years.

I vowed never to let my son go through the same, but it was all in vain.

He's just been sentenced to a minimum of twelve years.

He starts primary school in September.

[Kaye T. Bai]

Never trust an atom; they make up everything!
-----------------------------------------------
The Higgs-Boson walks into a church. The priest says: "We don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here." The Higgs-Boson says: "Without me, how can you have mass?"

[BossMark]

Wimbledon

The time of year blind people think porn is being shown on daytime TV

[Jimbuna]

So George Osborne is to give extra money to MI5 then.

Well I guess they already knew that.

[BossMark]

As we strolled past the jewellery shop, my wife glanced at the diamonds on display.

"My birthday is next month, you know," she commented. "I'd never be disappointed with the gift that lasts forever."

My only decision now is between granite or marble for the headstone.

[Spiced_Rum]

I held my son today and said, "Happy Birthday. I can't believe how quickly you're growing. Nine years ago you weren't even thought about."

He said, "Dad, I'm ten."

I said, "I know, but you were one when we adopted you."

[BossMark]

My ex girlfriend must be training to become a politician.

She's doing a pretty good job at ruining my life.

[Jimbuna]

I decided to use the self service checkout at Tesco this morning.

Next thing I know I am employee of the month.

[BossMark]

I told my wife I've only had one proper birthday, and she started feeling sorry for me.

Don't know why, I've had anniversaries for it every year since, and they were brilliant.

[Jimbuna]

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting a bit annoyed now.

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again

[BossMark]

Security at the airport were searching through my wife's luggage when they found a load of condoms.

They immediately started laughing, then said, "In for a good holiday, sir?"

"Apparently not," I sobbed. "I had a vasectomy two years ago."

[TarJak]

The Australia Labor Party.

[Jimbuna]

It took me 20 seconds to realise I was rubbish at the 100 metres.

[BossMark]

I am such a lucky bastard. A friend just gave me 4 tickets to go and see Robbie Williams at Wembley this Saturday.
At exactly the same time that I realised that I had run out of toilet roll.

[AVGWarhawk]

Old Man, His Pond & Naked Girls


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[BossMark]

I was in the attic earlier and found a really early version of the Sex Offenders Register.

It was copy of the Radio Times from 1973

[Spiced_Rum]

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

[BossMark]

Paddy asked Murphy what his favourite ever Wimbledon moment was earlier.

"Easy" said Murphy. "When they beat Liverpool in the 1988 F.A cup final."

[Jimbuna]

As Wimbledon approaches its second week, it looks as if we're going to have an all Scottish final.
Murray vs Jock-ovic

[BossMark]

I came home from the pub last night a bit pissed and I smelt a delicious meal cooking in the kitchen.

It was then I realised I'd walked into the wrong house.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agonistic?
You stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.

[Spiced_Rum]

What is the difference between god and bono?

God does not walk down the sidewalk thinking he is Bono.

[BossMark]

If I stole 30 grand from a bank, I would go to jail.

But if I were to borrow it, with no intention of paying it back, then I would be an overseas student.

[Jimbuna]

Because of my wife's diet, we've had to ensure our tumble dryer is flush against the kitchen wall.


To stop the fridge hiding behind it.

[BossMark]

I was very disappointed with what I saw today in Blackpool. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty domestic - in front of loads of kids without a care in the world.

Suddenly, the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the Police.

Poor Copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man - but there was still a big fight and the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the Cop AND his wife!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then this crocodile snuck up and stole all the sausages!"

[Jimbuna]

I drive a Reliant Robin when out kerb crawling.

That way, I only scuff one tyre.

[BossMark]

Me and my wife were arguing over the quickest way to get from London to Glasgow. She argued it was to take the M1 and then the M6, then onto the M42, then back onto the M6.

I said it was by plane.

[Jimbuna]

Why do people who claim that Elvis is still alive always say they saw him working in their local chip shop?

I'd be more convinced if they said they'd seen him in the queue.

[Spiced_Rum]

I walked in today to find a suicide note left on the fridge from my wife.

It said at the end, "I can't go on any more and I'll miss you more then anything else in the world!"

She loved that fridge.

[Jimbuna]

According to my Nike fitness app,

I drank 6 miles of beer this week.

[fireftr18]

According to my Nike fitness app,

I drank 6 miles of beer this week.

Keep up the good work. :haha: :()1:

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked me earlier if I still feel the same about her as when we first got together.

"Well I certainly still get that little tingle in my stomach every time I see you" I said.

"You mean butterflies?" She giggled.

"No" I replied. "Disappointment."

[BossMark]

So Ian Brady wants the right to be able to kill himself.

Why don't the prison services tell him there is a gun buried in the jail somewhere, but don't tell him where it is?

[Jimbuna]

Time is a great healer.... unless you're stood under Big Ben when it collapses!

[Herr-Berbunch]

I was very disappointed with what I saw today in Blackpool. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty domestic - in front of loads of kids without a care in the world.

Suddenly, the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the Police.

Poor Copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man - but there was still a big fight and the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the Cop AND his wife!

.
<snip>.
.
Then this crocodile snuck up and stole all the sausages!"

Nice one, Mark. That's the way to do it.

[BossMark]

Whenever the kids ask me for permission to go out:

I just tell them "Ask your Mum."

It's fun working in the orphanage.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I've just seen the following classified ad -

Premature ejaculator seeks beautiful girl with big firm . . . Nevermind!

[BossMark]

It's good to see the Egyptians trying to boost their tourist industry by creating some more ruins.

[hienz1]

So a retired old man was enjoying his retirement, sitting on his back porch of his home when he saw a young boy come walking down a hill towards his house. The boy was carrying a long rolled up silver looking thing under his arm.

So the old man yells out, "Hey kid? What you got there?"
Kid: "Got me some chicken wire."
Old man: "What ya doin' with chicken wire?"
Kid: "Gonna catch me some chickens."
Old man: "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire."

Well, a few hours later, the old man sees the young boy going back up the hill, dragging behind him the entire roll of chicken wire, unrolled, with hundreds of chickens stuck in it, flapping around. The old man scratches his head in total disbelief.

Well, sometime the next week, the old man sees the boy walking down the hill again, carrying under his arm a great big grey wheel. So he yells out,"Hey kid! What you got there?"

Kid: "Got me some duct tape."
Old man: "What ya doin' with Duct tape?"
Kid: "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man: "You can't catch ducks with duct tape."

Well, later on that day, the old man sees the kid walking back up the hill, dragging behind him the entire roll of duct tape, unrolled, with hundreds of ducks stuck to it, all flapping around. Old man scratches his head, wondering.

Some time next week, the old man sees the kid walking down the hill again, carrying under his arm these long green things with short brown chunks on the ends. "Hey kid! What you got there?" he asked.

Kid: "Got me some pussywillow."
Old man: "Hold on. I'll get my hat."
:haha:

[BossMark]

"Give me a hand" Shouted my wife
"Say please" I repeated for the 3rd time.
"bloody hell Mark Please give me a bloody hand" she shouted
Hanging from the roof by her fingertips or not, there's no excuse for dropping her manners.

[Jimbuna]

I've decided to take the law into my own hands and have just beaten to death some sicko.....

Can you believe someone would actually advertise the fact that they groom dogs.

[Sailor Steve]

So a retired old man was enjoying his retirement,
Yep, told that one myself here not more than a hundred pages ago.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Yep, told that one myself here not more than a hundred pages ago.

Give him half a chance, he only joined today.

Let him have a few minutes to read the whole thread and then we'll say that. :O:

PS - welcome aboard, starting with (or nearly starting with) jokes is a good beginning. :salute:

[TarJak]

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,

Whilst you were busy arguing about it, I drank the half glass of water.

Regards
The Opportunist

[BossMark]

"What's wrong with you two?" My wife asked when she met us in the beer garden.

"He let go of his party balloon," I sobbed, pointing at my son

"Ok," she replied, "But why are you crying?"

"I knocked my pint over trying to catch it."

[Sailor Steve]

Give him half a chance, he only joined today.
Umm...
http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=205498

[Herr-Berbunch]

Give him half a chance, he only joined today.


Umm...
http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=205498

Sorry Steve, I don't get it - he joined on July 1st, posted on July 1st, and I posted on July 1st (my time zone). That was today (yesterday, not today, because today was yesterday's tomorrow - and that's not what I meant) :doh: :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

I handed my wife the ring and said,"There you go love, the 18 carat diamond ring you've always dreamed of."

"Oh my god," she said,"This is really something else."

"That's correct" I said,"It's a fake."

[Sailor Steve]

Sorry Steve, I don't get it - he joined on July 1st, posted on July 1st, and I posted on July 1st (my time zone). That was today (yesterday, not today, because today was yesterday's tomorrow - and that's not what I meant) :doh: :hmmm:
My point isn't when he joined, but that I know he had just joined, being the very first person to welcome him aboard. What you didn't get was that my finger-pointing was at myself, not him. I started to react the way you think I did, but then I remembered exactly what you pointed out, and I made a joke at myself.

I'll try to remember not to make jokes anymore, at least not without proper supervision.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I'll try to remember not to make jokes anymore, at least not without proper supervision.

Me too. :O:

[Jimbuna]

"Dad, I would like you to meet my boyfriend , Paul."

"Oh dear, I think your mother will be very disappointed. You can do much better than this."

"Dad, that is outrageous and very rude."

"I wasn't talking to you."

[Schroeder]

I'll try to remember not to make jokes anymore, at least not without proper supervision.
Could anybody explain to this German what this "joke" thing is that everybody is talking about in this thread?:06:




:O:

[Sailor Steve]

Could anybody explain to this German what this "joke" thing is that everybody is talking about in this thread?
1. Throw banana peel on sidewalk.
2. Wait for someone to slip and hurt himself.
3. Laugh.

There. You've made a joke.

A Frenchman and a German are telling jokes. The German says "How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?" The Frenchman says "I don't know. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?" The German says "None", and shoots the Frenchman.




Shortest book ever written: The Complete Compendium of German Humor. :O:

[Schroeder]

Shortest book ever written: The Complete Compendium of German Humor. :O:
Hey, it's just as long as "Italian military victories since the end of the Roman Empire".:hmph:

[Jimbuna]

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

[fireftr18]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
...
And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[BossMark]

I've watched every day of Wimbledon so far.

Still not seen a Womble.

[garren]

A white man, a Hispanic man, and a black man all went to Hell for their sins in life. There they met the dreaded and extremely evil Satan. But Satan was in a giving mood this particular day and offered the three men a chance to save themselves and be sent up to Heaven for eternity.

Satan said, "I will give you three sinners a chance for redemption and to be sent straight to heaven for eternity. You simply have to stand on my hand for 5 seconds without melting. Muhahahaha!!!"

The white man was first. He was nervous but took the chance to save himself. He only managed to stand on Satan's hand for 1 second before melting into a puddle of goo. The Hispanic man was visibly shaken by the sight of the white man melting so fast but now it was his turn to try to save himself or remain in Hell forever. He stood on Satan's hand for 2 seconds before melting into a puddle of goo.

The black man was last but appeared confident as he approach Satan. Without reservation, he promptly stood on Satan's hand for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 seconds and several more without melting at all! Satan's eyes widened in disbelief. "H-how did you manage to defeat me?", Satan asked in disbelief. "Easy" said the black man with a smile on his face. "Chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand". Then black man vanished in an instant and Satan threw up his fists and screamed at the top of his lungs, "CURSE YOU M&M's, CURSE YOU!!!"

[BossMark]

Paddy was broke and homeless and was granted one wish by a genie.

"I would like a pound, so I can buy a lottery ticket" he said.

"Really? Why don't you wish for a million pound then?" said the genie.

"Don't be silly" Paddy replied, "If I had a million winning tickets, then I'll only be sharing the jackpot with myself anyway"

[garren]

A man takes his sick dog into the vet to find out if anything can be done to help him. The vet is a Vietnamese. The man hands his dog over to the vet and waits in the waiting room until the vet returns an hour later all alone, without the dog, and a toothpick in his mouth. The man asks the vet, "Doctor, what's wrong with my dog? Will he be OK?" The vet replies, "I sorry. Your dog die. Diagnosis... Delicious!"

[BossMark]

The woman sitting opposite me on the train this morning accused me of staring at her tits.

"I honestly don't know what you're talking about," I replied, "I'm just simply trying to relax on my journey from London to Leeds."

She said, "The next stop is Edinburgh."

[Jimbuna]

After bumping into David Attenborough earlier, I had to concede my wife was right.

The back garden grass really does need cutting

[BossMark]

"My wife hasn't wanted sex for over a year," complained my friend down the pub.

"That's just not true mate," I replied without thinking.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend got pregnant and put me in charge of baby proofing the house. It was a waste of time though.

Despite my best efforts, she stepped right over the little gate and was able to bring it inside anyway.

[BossMark]

I've just opened the furniture store raffle envelope and it said,'You are our lucky winner of..One nightstand,Congratulations!'

I thought,Cheers but my wife will never allow that.

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS. Scotland's Andy Murray loses first two sets in Wimbledon quarter final only for Britain's Andy Murray to heroically come from two sets down to reach Wimbledon Semi's.

[BossMark]

You could see the passion in Andy Murray's stunning girlfriend as she stood up cheering on every point won.

You could even lip read her words.

"Come on meal ticket"

[Jimbuna]

Happy Indepedence Day to all our American friends.

The only date in the year said the proper British way.

[BossMark]

The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon is essentially just a plate, just to remind them what they should be doing instead of playing tennis.

[Jimbuna]

Wayne Rooney has been told that in order to leave Manchester United, he has to submit a written transfer request.

It was the only way they could ensure that he'll stay.

[BossMark]

I went to the greengrocers today and I picked up an iceberg lettuce. I said to the man at the counter, "Why is it these seem to be getting smaller and smaller?"

"Global warming." He replied.

[Jimbuna]

I said to my wife, "I'm afraid we won't be together much longer. I'm dying..."

"You're dying?" she interrupted.

"Yes," I replied. "To tell you that I'm sleeping with your sister."

[BossMark]

After his semi final win, Andy Murray is now just one game away from destiny.

Or, 'runner up' to you and me.

[BossMark]

Men go through 3 stages: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.

[Jimbuna]

Because i managed to stand at 90 degrees to the mirror .......


I was beside myself

[BossMark]

Nigella Lawson is set to fight for a divorce.

Lets hope she puts up a better showing than a few weeks back.

[Jimbuna]

The results are in...

He's British!

[BossMark]

Remember this day.

Because it's not going to be very often you hear of a Scotsman winning in court.

[Jimbuna]

After all this time Andy Murray has done it!

He's proved a Scottish man in shorts can stand in the sun for 4 hours without getting sunburned.

[BossMark]

This gin and tonic is 91 calories.

This banana is 105 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

[Jimbuna]

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up to the barman and says "five beers please"

[BossMark]

I was shocked to hear that footballer, Nile Ranger, has been arrested for raping a girl in Newcastle.

I didn't think Geordie girls ever said 'No'.

[Jimbuna]

So Nile Ranger has left Newcastle united by mutual consent....

That's the first time Nile Ranger has done anything with consent.

[Herr-Berbunch]

The man who invented the computer mouse died yesterday. Apparantly when he stopped moving his families first reaction was to shake him from side to side, repeatedly click his head, slam him down then try to remove dirt from his bottom.

[Jimbuna]

I was in my local coffee shop this morning, placing an order with a barista who was wearing a funny peaked hat. When he brought me my drink, the peak accidentally rode up, revealing his features. I was stunned; it was the star of 'Scarface'!

'Here's your coffee, sir,' he mumbled, obviously embarrassed.

I took a sip and replied: 'Nice cap, Pacino!'

[Herr-Berbunch]

Yesterday my mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I didn't know they worked without throwing money in.

[Jimbuna]

A new girl started work in our office today, so I walked her desk see what her name was.

According to her name plate she's called Martin James, which is not only a very unusual name for a girl, but incredibly, it's exactly the same name as the guy who used to sit at that desk.

[BossMark]

The Scottish public have now left the pubs and gone back home after eventually realising that Andy Murray winning Wimbledon, doesn't qualify them for the World Cup.

[Spiced_Rum]

Windows vs. Ford

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

[BossMark]

I was in a nightclub and this gorgeous blonde told me if I walked her home, she'd let me into her lady garden.

I told her to piss off. I'm not giving out horticultural advice on a night out.

[Jimbuna]

As I sat in the pub drowning my sorrows, my mate walked in and said, "What's up with you?"

"My girlfriend broke up with me." I replied.

He said, "Dave, you don't have a girlfriend."

I said, "Pete, there's no need to rub it in."

[BossMark]

My son said, "Dad, when you met Mum was it love at first sight?"

I said, "No, second. The first time I didn't know she'd won the lottery."

[Jimbuna]

Brussels reacted angrily to comments made in the papers that many of their decisions are 'barmy' and 'mad'.
They also reminded everyone that in the final round, Legoland gained enough votes for automatic admission to the EU in 2014.

[BossMark]

I just saved 3 children from a burning house and got a really big pat on the back.

Just think if I could play Tennis or ride a bike fast I might have got a knighthood as well.

[Fubar2Niner]

So Michael Parkinson says if you can pee on a wall from 2 feet away, you don't have a prostrate problem........... What if you have a 2 foot appendage???? ( didn't want to gather another inappropriate language infraction ;) )

Best regards.

Fubar2Niner

[Jimbuna]

My new tennis racket doesn't work.

I'll have to consult the service manual.

[Fubar2Niner]

My new tennis racket doesn't work.

I'll have to consult the service manual.


OOOOoooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh......

Now that deserves a knighthood ;)

Best regards.

Fubar2Niner

[Jimbuna]

I'm in a band called Atom

We'll never split.

[Platapus]

I'm in a band called Atom

We'll never split.

is it a fusion band?

[Sailor Steve]

I hear they're fission for a new drummer.

[BossMark]

Overheard my 14 year old daughter crying on the phone to her boyfriend saying over and over again that she's late, and that her dad is going to kill her?
Silly cow how can she be late? She's not been out today!

[Jimbuna]

Last night at the restaurant I saw some little lad choking.

His dad was so proud,he gave him a few pats on the back.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I was in Boots struggling to find the deodorant so I asked the assistant for help.

"Ball or aerosol?" she asked.

"Neither, for under my arms!" I replied.

[TarJak]

Englands much vaunted top order.:D:O:

[Jimbuna]

Ha...the home crowd attendance (or lack of) down under for the final two tests :smug:

[Spiced_Rum]

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

[Herr-Berbunch]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap! That must be my husband!'. So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'.

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started...

[Jimbuna]

I dived headlong to save a young girl from a herd of cows.

I got a pat on the back.

[BossMark]

Mark Cavendish gets Urine thrown at him during today's Tour De France!
Well I suppose that's one way to get hold of the Yellow Jersey!

[Jimbuna]

My Doctor told me I have a stout constitution.

Or to use his exact words, "a beer belly from drinking too much Guinness".

[TarJak]

Australia's top 4 batsmen:/\\!!

[BossMark]

"Mark Cavendish is sprayed with URINE during today's time trial at the Tour De France"

Well you open a can of Fosters while riding a bike, things will get messy.

[Jimbuna]

My mate Steven who shares the same name as me, thought it funny to erase the letters 'St' from my pencil case.So during break I did the same to his.

Now we're even.

[Jimbuna]

MPs debate voting themselves a payrise.

`I am sure that the hardworking families of this country will continue to work hard for their families and this country can be proud that it has such hardworking familes.'

`That's enough debate, we've got 4 months summer holiday to enjoy. 11% rise agreed.'

[Herr-Berbunch]

It's supposed to be a joke, Jim, not quotes from Hansard!

[Jimbuna]

I'd rather read The Daily Fail :)

[BossMark]

So 6 women have climbed The Shard in London as part of a Greenpeace protest.

Did they not consider the consequences of their actions? who'll cook their husbands dinner tonight?

[Jimbuna]

With the imminent arrival of the Royal baby, forcasters are predicting plenty of people bringing out merchandise and memorabelia trying to cash in.

The "Pippa Middleton how to raise a child" book is due any day now.

[BossMark]

My daughter walked in last night and said, "I've been raped."

I said, "When did it happen?"

She said, "The second I found out he was a professional footballer."

[Jimbuna]

My wife said to me, "Can I ask you one question?"

"Yes." I replied.

She said, "Do you still love me?"

"That's two."

[BossMark]

South Korean airlines have released the name of the pilot involved in the San Francisco crash - Lan Din Gon Wong

[Jimbuna]

When I couldn't answer the "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" question, I knew I wasn't getting the job.

I didn't want to be a psychic anyway

[BossMark]

I went on a whale spotting safari today.

Or as its otherwise known an open top bus tour of Newcastle city centre.

[Jimbuna]

Jasper Carrot wants to be the next manager of Leeds United football club. It makes perfect sense that a comedian should manage a team that's a joke.

[fireftr18]

Flight crew names from the San Francisco Airliner crash have been released:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqjlhtKIToo

[BossMark]

The wife was having a bath today when she shouted to me..

"There's nothing to wash with."

I opened the door and threw in the new bar of soap. Five minutes later, she shouts..

"There's nothing for my hair."

So I threw in the shampoo. Five minutes later, she shouts..

"There's nothing to shave my legs with."

I then threw in the razor. Five minutes later, she shouts..

"There's nothing to scrape the rough skin off my feet with."

So I threw in the foot-file thing of hers. Five minutes later, she shouts..

"There's nothing to dry myself with."

That's when I threw in the towel. Just packed my bags and buggered off, having had enough of the whiny bitch.

[Jimbuna]

"I think your eye drops may have expired" said my blonde girlfriend,"My eyes burn like hell and I can't open them at all."

"Those aren't eye drops," I said,"It's Super Glue."

[BossMark]

I asked my wife if she could take my car in for it's M.O.T this morning.

"No problem" she said. "Anything you think it will fail on?"

"Just the brakes."

I whispered to myself.

[Jimbuna]

I heard a sneak preview of Bono's solo album.

It's got a similar sound to the stuff he's done with U2, only less edgy.

[BossMark]

Just chilling out in a paddling pool with vodka.

It took me 172 bottles to fill it up.

[Jimbuna]

"When I go down, I'm going to take a lot of people with me."

Is a fine thing to say to a judge, but not so good at your BA pilot's interview.

[BossMark]

"I want you to portray yourself as a teacup without a saucer", said my art professor.


"I feel like a mug", I thought.

[Jimbuna]

On my son's 10th birthday, I thought it only fair that we told him the truth.

"You see, son," I began, "When you were three you were put up for adoption."

"So you're not my real parents?" he sobbed.

"Oh yes," I cried, "We had to bring you home because nobody wanted a ginger kid."

[Platapus]

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"

[Schroeder]

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Well, it's past midnight here so I have an excuse...but actually I don't get it...:oops:

[frau kaleun]

Well, it's past midnight here so I have an excuse...but actually I don't get it...:oops:

The joke is that while Pavlov was training his dogs to expect food when they heard a bell ring, he was also unknowingly training himself to hear a ringing bell and immediately think "time to feed the doggies." :)

[Platapus]

A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer."
The barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?"
"Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."

[Platapus]

The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here."
A tachyon enters a bar.

[Schroeder]

The joke is that while Pavlov was training his dogs to expect food when they heard a bell ring, he was also unknowingly training himself to hear a ringing bell and immediately think "time to feed the doggies." :)
Ah, OK. I didn't know that the guy who did that dog training research was named Pavlov.

[Jimbuna]

The entire Thailand football team has been banned from the women's football championships after failing tests for a banned substance.......... Testosterone.

[BossMark]

My wife has just woken up from a coma and thinks its 2005.

Which is great news.

That's two years before I met her.

[Jimbuna]

I said to a bloke at work. "The young girl that lives across from me, sunbathes topless even though she knows I am watching her."
"How do you know she knows?" He asked.

"Because the police came and confiscated my video camera and telescope."

[BossMark]

Ryan Giggs says it's "Strange Without Sir Alex as manager"

I know Ryan, must be weird only having 90 minute games.

[Jimbuna]

The surgeon said to me, "Do you have a dog?"

I said, "Yes, why?"

He said, "If I can't save your leg, do you want me to keep the bone for him?"

[BossMark]

My mother in law wanted her funeral to be a celebration of her life.

Apparently, the conga I started was inappropriate.

[Jimbuna]

An Irish 'Star Trek' fan has been assassinated by the Mafia.

He was capped in Cork.

[BossMark]

Results from a survey done in the north of England and Scotland suggest that the most popular name for the new royal baby are:

In 3rd place, Elizabeth or Philip.

In 2nd place, Margaret or Richard.

And the most popular reply was, "Who gives a toss?"