The joke thread

[BossMark]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"

[Jimbuna]

It is rumoured that Mystic Meg is to return to the national lottery under her new identity....

Rupert Murdoch

[BossMark]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend left me 2 weeks ago, I was gutted but didn't want to show it. As she walked through the door I shouted "You'll be back, on your hands and knees, begging me!"
Sure enough, earlier today there she was, on her knees bawling and begging. She said "Please, please, I'll do anything, but please stop stalking me......"

[Sailor Steve]

Annie was at the pet shop looking for something different, and she noticed a parrot for sale for only $10. She asked the owner "Why is he so cheap?"

The owner replied "Well, his former owner was a madam, and he grew up in a house-of-ill-repute."

"So, does he swear a lot or something?" Annie enquired.

"Oh, no." Said the owner. "Nothing like that. Here, I'll show you. Fred, speak!"

The parrot instantly starts in. "Awk! Pretty girls! Lots of pretty girls! Get your pretty girls right here! Awk!"

Annie says "Oh, the girls in my bridge club are going to love him! I'll take him!"

So Annie takes Fred home and sets up his cage. When her bridge club meets Annie says "Speak, Fred!" and Fred says "Awk! Pretty girls! Lots of pretty girls! Get your pretty girls right here! Awk!"

The other women love this and Annie's friend Janet says "Oh, Bill is going to love this!"

So Bill gets home from work and Annie says "Honey, I have something to show you." She takes into the living room and says "Fred, speak!"

Fred immediately says "Awk! Pretty girls! Lot's of pretty girls! Get your pretty girls right here! Awk! Hiya, Bill!"

[BossMark]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''
Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''
Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

[Jimbuna]

My Granddad always used to say, "When one door closes, another one opens."

Whereas my Grandma used to say, "Alfred, get that bloody Sierra fixed, it's embarrassing."

[Karle94]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.


The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''


Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''


Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.


The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.


She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''


Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''


Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.


By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.


She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''


We have a joke like that in Norway, it is about the Norwegian, the dane and the swede.

A plane flies over the Atlantic when the pilot announces that the plane is running out of fuel and somebody has to jump out of the plane. The British said: "Love the Queen!" And jumped. The French said: "Viva la France!" And jumped. The American said: "Remember the Alamo!" And threw the Mexican out.:haha:

This is a similar one from Norway. A plane carrying Norwegian and Swedish football teams flies over mountains. The pilot announces that they are too heavy to clear the next mountain peak and all the cargo must be dumped. After dunmping the cargo the pilot announces again that they won`t make it over the next mountain peak. So the passengers threw out the seats. Barely clearing the second mountain peak. The pilot announces for a third time that they won`t make it over the next top. With nothing else to throw out the floor is scraped of the plane. The passengers are dangling from pipes in the roof. The pilot announces that they won`t make it at the next top, and that someone has to let go. After a long argument the Norwegians says: "We will let go, so you Swedes can survive." The Swedes rosponded by applauding.:har:

You`ll have to forgive me for this one.
Q: Why does the French wear white hats?
A: So you know they are surrendering.

A Swedish man with a camel was walking through the dessert when he got horny. With no women in sight he looked at the camel. He made a big pile of sand behind the camel but it walked one meter forward. After repeating this several times a beautiful women approached the Swede and said: "I will do anything for a little water." The Swede replied: "Hold the camel while I make this pile of sand."

Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

A new German recruit for the German coast guard was assigned to the radio where he would listen to and respond to emergency calls. After a while he recieved a distress call from a boat. The person on the radio said: "Help, help, we are sinking! I repeat we are sinking!" "The German recruit answered: "What are you sinking about?" It`s actually a commercial to learn English.

[Sailor Steve]

We have a joke like that in Norway, it is about the Norwegian, the dane and the swede.

A plane flies over the Atlantic when the pilot announces that the plane is running out of fuel and somebody has to jump out of the plane. The British said: "Love the Queen!" And jumped. The French said: "Viva la France!" And jumped. The American said: "Remember the Alamo!" And threw the Mexican out.:haha:
It's hardly Norwegian. You can hear that joke quoted in the movie An American Werewolf In London, which was released in 1981, thirty years ago. I first heard it around 1960.

[Jimbuna]

It's hardly Norwegian. You can hear that joke quoted in the movie An American Werewolf In London, which was released in 1981, thirty years ago. I first heard it around 1960.

Yep....used it on occasion whilst at school :DL




I'm always telling people in work about my medical history.

I want them to know me inside and out.

[Herr-Berbunch]

A new German recruit for the German coast guard was assigned to the radio where he would listen to and respond to emergency calls. After a while he recieved a distress call from a boat. The person on the radio said: "Help, help, we are sinking! I repeat we are sinking!" "The German recruit answered: "What are you sinking about?" It`s actually a commercial to learn English.

And here's the video for it - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh5xu35bAxA :har:

[Herr-Berbunch]

I'm always telling people in work about my medical history.

I want them to know me inside and out.

Don't worry Jim, there are some great creams for it nowadays, so the burning sensation won't last too much longer. As for your pet - you'll have to see a vet.



In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

[Lord_magerius]

Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.

[Hottentot]

Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, but the thread is so long: do you know that joke where people found Brezhnev floating face down in Volga with ten knifes stabbed in his back? Has that been here yet?

[Lord_magerius]

Post it up anyways and let Sailor Steve decide :O:

[Hottentot]

No, no, you get me wrong: I don't know it. Which is too bad, because it sounds hilarious.

(This was an actual joke in Soviet Union back in the day, or so I've heard. There were so many jokes about Brezhnev, that people started spontaneously asking: "Hey, does anyone know that joke that starts with Brezhnev floating face down in Volga, stabbed in the back" or some such. And when the crowd shaked their heads confused, the guy who asked the original question said: "Yeah, me neither. But that story has an awesome beginning.")

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: "Man Hurt in Portaloo Explosion".

I'm guessing he is now suffering from turd degree burns.

[Sailor Steve]

Aw, man, the only thing funny about that one was how bad it was. :dead:

So I guess I have to dredge the Admiral/General jokes back up.

The navy admiral and marine general were onboard an aircraft carrier, talking about whose enlisted were tougher. The general calls a marine over and says "Marine, I want to to climb to the top of the tallest mast on the ship, and jump off."

"Sir! Yes sir!" says the marine and promptly does so. The general turns to the admiral and says "Show me a sailor tougher than that!"

The admiral calls over a sailor and says "Son, I want you climb the tallest mast on this ship and jump off."

The sailor looks the admiral in the eye and says "With all due respect, sir, go to hell, sir!"

The admiral holds out his hand and says "Pay up."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The admiral and the general are in the barber shop getting a haircut and a shave. The barber asks the general if he wants after-shave. The general says "Hell no! My wife would think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The admiral says "You can give me some. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The admiral and the general are fishing when the admiral falls overboard and starts screaming for help. The general promptly jumps in and pulls his friend to shore.

"Thanks" says the admiral. "Please don't tell anyone about this. I wouldn't want my men to find out I can't swim.

"Your secret is safe with me" replies the general. "Besides, I wouldn't want my men to find out I can't walk on water."

[Osmium Steele]

BBC News: "Man Hurt in Portaloo Explosion".

I'm guessing he is now suffering from turd degree burns.

:nope::nope::nope:

He who would pun, would pick a pocket.

[Lord_magerius]

I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.

Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

[BossMark]

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

[Jimbuna]

There were three men on an airplane somewhere above the atlantic ocean. Suddenly Death apears on the plane. He says"Before I take you all with me 'll give you a chance to survive. Each one of you will throw something to the ocean and if I find it you will die".
The first one throws a needle. Death goes down to the ocean searching for it. After a couple of minutes he comes back with the needle
The second one throws a hair. Death goes down and after ten minutes he comes back with the hair
The third one throws something quickly and Death goes down again. About an hour later he comes back and says to the guy "Ok you win, I'll let you live.But tell me what did you throw?
The guy says "An effervescent tablet"

[BossMark]

Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.
'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.
'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'
'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

[Jimbuna]

Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blonde replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

[BossMark]

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain.

“I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

[Jimbuna]

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that bloody pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy.

[Lord_magerius]

I'm a big fan of The Dukes of Hazzard, General Lee speaking...

[BossMark]

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flash light around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

[Lord Justice]

young couple involved in a road traffic accident! Young female thrown through windscreen lying half mangled 15 meters down the road, wriggling with muffled sounds. Young man half dazed with bruise on head but yelling in pain. * Traffic officer * " Sir can you kindly calm whilst we tend to your girlfriend " Young man = have you looked in her mouth.!!

[BossMark]

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

[Lord Justice]

British army land rover found crashed into a tree!! IRA said they planted it.

[Jimbuna]

I'm in line for a job down at 'Oxford Dictionaries'.

I got my mate to put a word in for me.

[Sailor Steve]

Performing tonight: Magic Sam and his talking dog Jake.

Sam ask Jake: "What's on the outside of a tree?"

Jake replies: "Bark! Bark!"

The audience groans.

Sam: "What's on top of a house?"

Jake: "Roof! Roof!"

The audience boos.

Sam: "What did Noah take the animals in?"

Jake: "Ark! Ark!"

The audience starts to throw things at the stage.

Sam tries one more time: "Who's the greatest baseball player?"

Jake: "Ruth! Ruth!"

The audience rushes the stage. As they duck out the door and run down the alley Sam says "You idiot! Can't you get anything right?"

Jake looks at him and says "DiMaggio?"

[Jimbuna]

My family say my ambitions in life are ridiculous and delusional.

But I'll show them, one day I'll swim Everest!

[BossMark]

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

[Jimbuna]

Im in a band called Reincarnation . .

We're making a comeback

[BossMark]

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.'

[Jimbuna]

BBC News:
"BT. ordered to block pirate links".

I didn't realise pirates played golf.

[flatsixes]

Old one.

World war II breaks out one afternoon and and Joe joins the army to fight the Nazis.

After boot camp Joe gets assigned to the infantry, so he go to the quartermaster's to get his combat gear. He first gets in line for a combat knife, but when he gets to the front of the line he's told that the Army's run out of bayonets. "How am I supposed to fight the enemy up close without a knife?" he asked, startled.

The quartermaster replied: "Easy, soldier. Whenever a German gets too close, just scream out "STAB-ITY STAB STAB!" while making stabbing motions with your arm."

Joe thought the quartermaster was nuts, but as is everything else in the Army was also nuts, he just shrugged his shoulders and moved over to the rifle line.

When Joe finally got to the front of the rifle line, he was told that the Army had run out of guns. " But...but..." Joe stammered, "how am I going to shoot at the enemy without a gun?" Again the quartermaster stepped in and said reassuringly "Easy, soldier. Just point your finger at the enemy and yell "BANG-ITY BANG BANG!"

Joe stared back in disbelief for a few moments, and then shook his head and moved one to the hand grenade line. Sure enough, Joe waited in line only to be told that the Army had run out of hand grenades "Let me guess," Joe said to the quartermaster, "I make a hand grenade throwing motion and yell out 'BOOM-ITY BOOM BOOM!" right?" "Exactly!" smiled the quartermaster as he slapped Joe on the back. "You've got the makings of a real career soldier!"

A week later, Joe was in France facing a massive German assault. As the bombs exploded around Joe and and bullets whizzed past his head, a German soldier suddenly jumped out from behind a tree and took aim at Joe's platoon sergeant. The panicked private did his best to remember what the quartermaster had told him, then pointed his finger at the German and yelled out "BANG-ITY BANG BANG!" To Joe's utter amazement, the German instantly keeled over and dropped dead.

Joe then shot three more attackers before the Germans overran his position and the combat became hand-to-hand. "STAB-ITY STAB STAB! "STAB-ITY STAB STAB!" Joe screamed as one German after another succumbed to the stabbing motion of his empty hand.

It just a few minutes' time, Joe's one-man show had stopped the German offensive in its tracks. But Joe wasn't not done yet. He leaped out of the trenches and rushed after the retreating Germans making throwing motions and yelling "BOOM-ITY BOOM BOOM!" at the top of his lungs.

Soon, what started as a retreat became a rout, and every German soldier that could still move was running for his life away from Joe. All except one German. One very large, very fat Corporal who was headed directly at Joe. Joe ran at the fat German throwing his fake grenades and yelling "BOOM-ITY BOOM BOOM!" at the top of his lungs, but the German kept on coming. Then Joe pointed his finger right at the German's face and yelled out "BANG-ITY BANG BANG!" repeatedly, but the enormous German continued to advance, unfazed. Suddenly, the enormous German was almost on top of Joe's position, so Joe whipped out his knife hand and started screaming "STAB-ITY STAB STAB!" over and over and over again, but nothing seemed stop this German!!!

Bewildered, frightened and utterly exhausted, Joe fell back into his trench and hunkered down to await his fate. Moments later the huge German corporal appeared at the top of the trench. And just before that German he fell upon poor old Joe, just before the German's immense weight crushed the life out of our boy, Joe heard the German say the last words that Joe would ever hear.




"TANK-ITY TANK TANK"

[Jimbuna]

Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes.

The librarian tells him to try the fiction section.

[BossMark]

Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

[Growler]

Q. Why do the new Italian navy have glass-bottomed ships?
A. So they can see the old Italian navy.

[Jimbuna]

An oldie but still one of my favourites.

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Growler]

Then there was the elite French unit, the Leper Brigade. After they were defeated and disarmed, their jaws dropped when the post-war French government left them without a leg to stand on.

[Jimbuna]

Now that is a good one and one I've never heard before :yeah:

[Sailor Steve]

An oldie but still one of my favourites...
Which leads to a similar favorite of mine:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

[Jimbuna]

My wife just told me she was leaving me due to my constant constipation. To be honest, I really couldn't give a sh!t.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence', observed the Frenchman', My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'
'That's really incredible', drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake

[Hottentot]

This is being told as a true story. So the obligatory first (*ahem*): this happened to my cousin's best friend's dog's sister's owner's namesake.

A police officer was on duty and met a beautiful young woman. The woman asked for directions from the officer, but they ended up chatting a little more. It just happened, they seemed to match perfectly with each other. So the officer gathered his courage and asked straightforwardly if they could meet up sometime when he was not on duty.

The lady accepted. She explained that she worked as a nurse in the local mental asylum and lived inside its compound. But it would be OK for the officer to visit him in the evening. So they agreed on time and date and each went their own way.

The time and date came. The officer went to the asylum's compound, met with the nurse, had a great evening. So great, in fact, that he lost his sense of time. He knew he had to work tomorrow and it was getting late already. So he politely wished the nurse good night, agreed on another time and date, took his coat and left.

When trying to leave the compound, however, he was stopped by a guard on the gate. The guard said it's late and no one is allowed out before tomorrow, 8am. Patient safety and all that. The officer explained that he is not a patient at all, but just a visitor and that the asylum's rules can't apply to him.
"No", the guard was ardent. "No one leaves before 8am."
"Look here, fellow", the officer lost his temper. "I'm a police officer and I need to report for duty at the station tomorrow exactly 6am!"
"Yes", the guard replied unimpressed. "And the last two persons at this gate were Napoleon and Jesus Christ. Sod off."


-------------------

Another one which goes around as a true story. After the war there was shortage of many things in Finland. So of course black market and smuggling were also profitable. The people at the customs also knew this and were very strict when checking border crossers for suspicious activity.

In the North, on the border between Finland and Sweden, there was a particularly suspicious man. Every day he crossed the border to Sweden in the morning and returned in the evening. He went empty handed, but when he returned, he always had a wheelbarrow full of sand.

Every single day he was stopped at the customs. The officers were sure he was smuggling something. They examined the sand with every method they had at their disposal and always came to the same conclusion: it was sand. Nothing else. When asked why he did that, the man explained that he was building a house and needed sand. And he thought the sand in Sweden had better quality than sand in Finland. The officers concluded he was crazy but harmless, probably having suffered mental breakdown during the war.

It wasn't until much later when they realized that he had smuggled stolen wheelbarrows.

[Jimbuna]

I eat an apple every day.

The wife's a doctor.

[BossMark]

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The bloody funeral director would be my first guess."

[Jimbuna]

My mate got drunk last night and smashed all the blinds on the upstairs windows.

When his wife finds out I think that'll be curtains for him.

[BossMark]

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."

[Jimbuna]

I'll never forget my mate's last words before ending his own life.

"I do."

[BossMark]

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."

[BossMark]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Jimbuna]

"You're in denial".
"No, I'm not".
"Do you realise you've just denied being in denial".

"No I haven't".

[BossMark]

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife picked me up from work on Friday, she surprised me with a romantic weekend away in Paris.

It was like a little adventure! Driving on the wrong side of the road and having people beeping their horns and shouting insults in foreign langauges.

But she somehow managed to get through London and arrived at heathrow.

[BossMark]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[Jimbuna]

I saw a sign on a van:

"No petrol kept in this van overnight"

[BossMark]

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

[Jimbuna]

Why did you cancel your bank account, out of interest?

[BossMark]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

[Platapus]

Doctor talks to his patient.

Sir, I have some good news and some bad news

Ok, Doc. What's the good news?

Sir, you have one month to live

Doc. That's the good news, what's the bad news???

Its February.

[Jimbuna]

LOL :DL

[BossMark]

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’
The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’

[Jimbuna]

Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Walker's have started a new competition where they have placed 5 crisps into their bags of air.

[BossMark]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[Jimbuna]

My skiing career seemed to peak early on.
It was all downhill after that.

[BossMark]

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

[Jimbuna]

More sad news from the music industry.

Earlier, Justin Bieber was found alive in his apartment.

[Platapus]

Doctor walks into his patient's room and tells the patient

Sir, I have some good news and some bad news

Ok Doctor, what's the bad news.

The bad news is that due to a horrible error, I amputated your right foot when I should have amputated your diseased left foot.

What's the good news Doc?

Your left foot is getting better.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the hairdressers and said, "How much for a crew cut?"

The bloke said, "Seven quid."

I said, "Sweet, come in lads!"

[Platapus]

Doctor walks into his patient's room and says

Sir, I have some good news and some bad news

Ok, Doc, what's the bad news

You have about a week to live.

A week? What's the good news??

See that nurse over there? I am taking her out tonight.

[Platapus]

Did you know that Chuck Norris once killed two stones with one bird?

[Jimbuna]

I asked my 5 year old son who the best white rapper in the world was.

He said "Father Christmas"

[BossMark]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

[BossMark]

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."

[Jimbuna]

Dave's girlfriend left him today.

She said it was because Dave wouldn't stop talking in the third person.

[BossMark]

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "OK, send me your mother."

[Jimbuna]

I dont know about you guys but With the ability to spell difficult words such as connoisseur, manoeuvre and conscientiously,
I'm seriously thinking about entering a spelling competishon.

[BossMark]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.

[Jimbuna]

BBC news: A convicted forger who ran a huge counterfeit money operation from a factory in Scotland has been ordered to pay £100,000.

Have they thought this through?

[Platapus]

A doctor walks in to his patient's room and says

Sir, I have some good news and some bad news

OK, Doc, what's the bad news

The bad news is that I will have to amputate both your feet

And what's the good news?

The guy in the next bed want's to buy your shoes.

[BossMark]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[Platapus]

A doctor walks in to his patient's room and says

Sir, I have some good news and some bad news

OK, Doc, what's the good news?

The good news is that your test results came back and you have a little more than 24 hours to live

That's the good news? What's the bad news

Uh, I forgot to call you yesterday.

[BossMark]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

[Platapus]

An artist was lamenting to the gallery owner about how his art will increase greatly in value once he, the artist, dies.

The gallery owner says, I have some good news and some bad news

What's the good news?

The good news is that I have just received an order from someone who wants to buy all your available work.

Wow, that's great, what's the bad news?

The guy buying your art is your doctor.

[Sailor Steve]

If You Can Read This, You're Still Sober:

A duel was fought between Bob S. Schott and John Nott.

Schott was shot and Nott was not.

It is said by some that Nott was shot and Schott was not, but most think it was Nott who was shot and not Schott.

It may be that the shot Schott shot shot Nott, or possibly the shot Schott shot shot, not Nott, but Schott himself.

Anyway, it's hard to tell who was shot and who was not.

[Jimbuna]

If You Can Read This, You're Still Sober:

A duel was fought between Bob S. Schott and John Nott.

Schott was shot and Nott was not.

It is said by some that Nott was shot and Schott was not, but most think it was Nott who was shot and not Schott.

It may be that the shot Schott shot shot Nott, or possibly the shot Schott shot shot, not Nott, but Schott himself.

Anyway, it's hard to tell who was shot and who was not.

Ah Steve, I can remember laughing at the last time you posted that :DL

[Platapus]

A mother skunk named her two children In and Out for the reason that In always stayed in the den and Out liked to stay out of the den.

One day the two child skunks decided to switch positions. In went out and Out went in.

Well it was easy for the mother skunk to find Out for he was in, but how did she find In who was out?

In stinked

:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

I hate being bipolar, it's absolutely amazing!

[BossMark]

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion"

[Jimbuna]

Founder of all Sports: England

Made popular by: Rest of World

[BossMark]

Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logan airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An Texan asked him if he was homesick. 'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.' Said Paddy.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung the door open and said "tell me honestly, am I too fat for this?"

To which I replied "yes, but don't feel bad, it's quite a small bathroom.

[BossMark]

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.

After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

[Jimbuna]

I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime.

"Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

[BossMark]

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...

I thought he meant his money!!"

[Jimbuna]

My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

[Sailor Steve]

Jim, those last two...well...
:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2: :rock:

[Jimbuna]

Jim, those last two...well...
:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2: :rock:

One tries one's best mate :DL






You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

[frau kaleun]

http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/memes-why-does-a-chicken-coop-have-two-doors.jpg





I'll get my coat...

[antikristuseke]

Make love not sense.

[Hottentot]

Without boasting: my dog is well trained, intelligent, handsome, social and popular.

The next one who says "dogs resemble their owners" gets punched. :stare:

[BossMark]

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralysed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[Jimbuna]

I was in North London this morning and I saw a bloke in a wheelchair. I said to him, "What happened to you?"

He replied, "I was in Nam."

I said, "What, Vietnam?"

He said, "No. Tottenham."

[BossMark]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[Jimbuna]

And in other news, Chuck Norris returns home after his weekend in London.

[BossMark]

London police are in trouble again, they have just shot a bus load of thalidomide Muslims who were suspected of bringing small arms into the country.

[Jimbuna]

I wonder if the first thing David Cameron says to Nick Clegg after coming back early from his holiday is ''I leave you alone for two bloody minutes!!...''

[Lord_magerius]

Say what you want about Joseph Fritzl, but you wouldn't catch his kids rioting.

[Jimbuna]

So Londoners are using BlackBerrys to communicate about the meeting places for riots...

If only we had some sort of media outlet who could maybe tap into those phones...

[BossMark]

Just seen a looter running down the high street with a bag full of chicken tikka massala... think he got confused when his mates said they were robbing Curry's.

[Jimbuna]

Does anyone understand cat language ? i only ask as my 5 month old kitty is playing with a bit of string and it seems to have wrapped round its neck.

It's currently rolling about on the floor making weird squeaking noises , not sure what that means ? is it happy or something ?

[BossMark]

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.

On one particular Sunday it turned out to be a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right and there was very little wind. The preacher was in a quandary and wasn't sure what to do....play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him and he called in his assistant to take care of the Sunday service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no one would recognize him.

An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, "look at the preacher. He should punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

All alone but enjoying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow and 400 yards later it landed the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A tremendous hole in one!

The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock. The angel turned to God and said, "Begging your pardon, but I thought that you were going to punish him?"

God smiled and said, "I did....think about it....who can he tell a

[BossMark]

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

[Jimbuna]

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'

I thought, "That's just spam."

[BossMark]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny groaned and responded , "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

[BossMark]

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practices black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practices black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

[Herr-Berbunch]

Bloody predictive text on my Blackberry - Last weekend I only invited a few friends out for a PINT!











For those that don't use predictive text - pint and riot are got by pressing the same keys! :hmmm:

[BossMark]

A country doctor went way out to the boon docks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

[Jimbuna]

I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot.

I'd originally set out to find cheap petrol, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

[Lord_magerius]

I'm not happy. I just got a new PC and it's not working right. I've got a good mind to go back and ask for my brick back.

[Jimbuna]

My doctor said, "I've got some bad news"
I said, "What is it?"
He said, "You haven't got long"
I said, "Well hurry up and tell me then"

[BossMark]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday:

It begins with a 'D'
It vibrates
It's a girl's best friend

I'm pretty certain I know exactly what she's getting at.

A new dishwasher.

[BossMark]

During an Army war game a commanding officer’s Jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

[Jimbuna]

It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today.
She warned me that somebody was going to swindle me.

I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.

[BossMark]

he guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.'

[Jimbuna]

I phoned my nan this morning but there was no answer, so I went around to her house, but she didn't answer the door either.
So I phoned my mum and told her that I was really worried.
She said, "Is her car outside the house?"
I said, "Yes."
She said, "Hmmm, that is strange. You'll have to smash the window and see if she's inside."
So I smashed the window, looked around and said, "Nope, she's not in the car either."

[BossMark]

These three women were room mates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your make up all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date.

[Flaxpants]

An elderly Irish lady was driving home in her car one evening when she came across an accident just outside her village- a car had skidded off the wet road and collided with a tree. Being a good sort, the lady stopped to help. As she approached the car she saw two adults, a male and a female, both lying dead in the front seats of the car, in the back was a young boy who had clearly survived without major injury. She helped the boy out of the car and tried her best to comfort him. Then she said "Would you like me to call Father Flanagan?", to which the astonished young boy replied "Are you kidding?! The last thing I want right now is sex".

[Jimbuna]

One day I came home from work earlier than usual and caught my wife in bed with my best mate. I was livid. So I grabbed a gun and shot my mate to death.

My wife said, "You know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

[BossMark]

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and
meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband
could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions
of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from
her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and
see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked, 'Would you love me more if I was really smart or really beautiful?'

I replied, 'Yes I probably would.'

[BossMark]

A group of blondes walk into a bar and they seem to be celebrating something. All of them are repeating "32 days, 32 days" with much excitement. The bartender being curious asks, "What's so special about 32 days?" "Well," One of the blonds said, "We just finished putting a puzzle together, it only took us 32 days, and the box said 3-4 years!"

[Jimbuna]

Antarticans or Blondes?

[BossMark]

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainian. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havana's, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana's. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

[Jimbuna]

My son rang me today.

"Dad, dad," he cried. "Mums laying on the sofa struggling to breath."

"I don't believe it," I snapped. "Today of all days... You had to bunk off school."

[BossMark]

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".

[Jimbuna]

I was walking a girl back to her car late at night when she said "Oh I can't be bothered to drive all the way back to mine, do you mind if I crash at your place?"

"No not at all" I grinned.

Then ten minutes later, true to her word, she pulled into my driveway too early and went straight into the wall.

[BossMark]

A first grade class comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"

Alice says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.

Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

[Jimbuna]

The only thing that would get me to watch Big Brother is if Jigsaw had built the house.

[BossMark]

Two Irishmen were out shooting ducks. One took aim and hit a bird which tumbled out of the sky to land at his feet."Ah, you should have saved the bullet," said the other.
The fall would have killed him, anyway."

[Jimbuna]

I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".

At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

[BossMark]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?” God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

[Jimbuna]

I bought some "magic mushrooms" that apparently give you the most bizarre hallucinations.

They must be really good because I was watching Match Of The Day and Heskey scored.

[BossMark]

A blonde goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be £300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mum?"

[Jimbuna]

Just saw Rodney Marsh and Ron Atkinson walking down Tottenham high street laughing.

[Sailor Steve]

Just saw Rodney Marsh and Ron Atkinson walking down Tottenham high street laughing.
Topical local joke. Don't get. :-?

[Jimbuna]

Topical local joke. Don't get. :-?

Yeah sorry Steve but I forgot about the international audience for a mo :-?

Those two guys were a well known pro football/soccer star and football/soccer team manager respectively in the early days and well known for refusing to conform with the expected etiquette of the time.

A pair of 'hard cases' you might say.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rodney_Marsh_(footballer)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ron_Atkinson

[Sailor Steve]

Arigato.

[Jimbuna]

DO ITASHIMAS_H_I_T_E

[Gerald]

And this is, :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

Girls have to blow everything out of proportion... Always Ovary-acting.

[Jimbuna]

My mate said, "I like your car."
I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you."
I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"
He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

[BossMark]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". "What do you mean?" he asked excitedly, "Are they wallowing in the mud?" "No, " she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[Jimbuna]

Just got back from the North Pole. On closer inspection Mum's note says my train set is in the attic.

[BossMark]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double Martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double Martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double Martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' Martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend told me that she thinks I'm obsessed with Pokemon.

I said, "Raichu are."

[BossMark]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[Jimbuna]

I went to my doctor to ask for something for the persistant wind.

He gave me a kite.

[BossMark]

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' he says.

'I'm having a heart spasm,' cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says, `Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!'

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart spasm and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!

[Jimbuna]

I was invited to an orgy at Snow White's house last night. I must admit, it wasn't exactly the best one I've ever attended.

I was left feeling Grumpy.

[BossMark]

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

[Jimbuna]

I was walking through the park after midnight, when somebody started following me. I walked a bit faste, but they kept up the pace
The person kept following me until finally, I stopped and turned around to see who it was. To my surprise, it was my seconday school maths teacher.
I said, "Look, I don't want any problems".

[BossMark]

Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."

"I most certainly do not," she replied.

"I bet you ten quid you do," he said.

She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same colour as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten quid and walked sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.

"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me £50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."

[Jimbuna]

I took a girl back to my flat.

"You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed.

"What gave it away?"

"The scissors, mainly."

[BossMark]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Jimbuna]

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.

"Making you someone to play with," I said.

"A brother?" she asked excitingly.

"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

[BossMark]

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:

manslaughter!

Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"

[Jimbuna]

Tim Cook in charge of Apple? Wait for the headlines....

''Cook promises to improve Apple turnover''.

[Sailor Steve]

*cough* *choke* *sputter*

*wipes gunk from keyboard and screen*

Both of those last two caught me completely off guard.

:har::rotfl2::haha::har::rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

I hate when you're watching commercials and every so often the xfactor comes on.

[BossMark]

I hate when you're watching commercials and every so often the xfactor comes on.:har:


A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog??

[BossMark]

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on petrol, so she stops at the petrol station. While she's pumping her petrol she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a robot that wears crap clothes?

Optimus Primark.

[BossMark]

A red neck father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

[Jimbuna]

I received a phone call from my doctor.

My doctor says, "I'm phoning because i have some good news and some bad news"

"OK, Give me the good news first" I said

My doctor replied, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live"

I replied "Oh no! If that's the good news, What's the bad news?"

My doctor said, "I forgot to call you yesterday"

[Platapus]

I received a phone call from my doctor.

My doctor says, "I'm phoning because i have some good news and some bad news"

"OK, Give me the good news first" I said

My doctor replied, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live"

I replied "Oh no! If that's the good news, What's the bad news?"

My doctor said, "I forgot to call you yesterday"

That's a funny joke. Wish I had thought of it (Post 338)

:D:D:D

[Jimbuna]

Oops :oops:

A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself."

[BossMark]

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here."

The next one says, "I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here."

Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

[Jimbuna]

I had an argument with my wife in the pub. I told her she's a useless idiot who can't do anything right.

So she threw my drink in her face.

[BossMark]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

[Jimbuna]

My mum told me I should never talk to strangers.

I said, "It's alright mum, I don't know any."

[BossMark]

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend has just told me she is coming off the pill because it is making her fat.

Just how many was she eating?

[BossMark]

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?". She said, " Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers.

Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what's three and three". He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?". She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers.

Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five". He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?".

[BossMark]

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

[Jimbuna]

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

[Herr-Berbunch]

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

But Seriously...

;)

[Jimbuna]

But Seriously...

;)

Simply another day in paradise.

[Growler]

Must be something In The Air Tonight.

[Jimbuna]

So we'd better Hang In Long Enough.

[frau kaleun]

That's it, I'm done with this thread.




I guess you could say I don't care any more.

[Jimbuna]

Really....Do You Remember?

[razark]

Against All Odds, I think this thread is getting sillier.

[frau kaleun]

Against All Odds, I think this thread is getting sillier.

On the contrary, I think silliness was the very genesis of it.

[Sailor Steve]

You ought to know...

[razark]

If this goes on for One More Night, I'll need someone to Take Me Home.

[frau kaleun]

You ought to know...

Be nice, or I'll su-sussudio you for slander.

[Sailor Steve]

Darn, I missed again.

[Jimbuna]

Your obviously battling Against All Odds.

[Growler]

http://www.progarchives.com/progressive_rock_discography_covers/686/cover_584173172009.jpg

So?

[Flaxpants]

http://www.progarchives.com/progressive_rock_discography_covers/686/cover_584173172009.jpg

So?

That's Peter Gabriel, not Phil Collins- You Oughta Know by Now.

[Growler]

That's Peter Gabriel, not Phil Collins- You Oughta Know by Now.

Yes, that was the point - spinning off from the old Genesis, hence, the "So" comment.:)

[Jimbuna]

I can see Both Sides of the Story here.

[Growler]

But Seriously, there's no Going Back now.

[BossMark]

"You've really got me" on this thread now

[Jimbuna]

Why, Can't It Wait 'Til Morning?

[Sailor Steve]

Tomorrow never knows. That's just the way it is.

[Jimbuna]

Well I suppose if I Hang in Long Enough...

[Sailor Steve]

You'll have to. You can't hurry love.

[Flaxpants]

Indeed, unfortunately, Only you know and I know.

[Jimbuna]

Taht I'm The Man with the Horn.

[Jimbuna]

I've been arrested for reading people's fortunes.

Or going through their bank statements as the police call it.

[BossMark]

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[Jimbuna]

My mate suffered 75% burns to his face and arms last year and he just said to me, "What would you do if you looked like me?"

I said, "I'd pull on a T-Shirt and head down to the local crematorium and start shouting, "I demand a full refund!"

[BossMark]

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hun,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven

[Jimbuna]

I like my women how I like my olive oil..

Extra virgin

[CaptainMattJ.]

Knock knock! whos there?

a competent Michelle Bauchman

*du dum tsss*

[Platapus]

I like my women how I like my olive oil..



Oily, slippery, and almost pure fat????:D

[Jimbuna]

Oily, slippery, and almost pure fat????:D

LOL :)

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

[Platapus]

LOL :)

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

Already heard it next year.

[Jimbuna]

I can remember the days before we had a television...

And then the riots started.

[Jimbuna]

I was auditioning for a play and the director asked:

'Have you had any previous acting experience?'



I told him that I had been happily married for 25 years.

[BossMark]

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother . "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

[Jimbuna]

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts pumping continuously.

"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.

"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.

"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."

[BossMark]

A worried man goes to his doctor and explains, “Doc, there’s something seriously wrong with my digestive system!” “If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! I’m worried, Doc; What do you suggest?” The doctor said calmly, “No problem, eat poo.”

[Jimbuna]

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

[Tinman764]

A couple are laying in bed one night when the husband turns to his wife and says, "darling, if I ever died and you remarried would you let your new husband use my things?"

The wife has a little think, "yes, I probably would" she says.

"You mean you would let him use my clothes?" Asks the husband.

"Yes, why wouldn't I?" The wife replies.

"What about the condoms in the bedside drawer?" He asks.

"Yes, of course I would," she replies.

"Oh, I see. What about my golf clubs?" Asks the husband.

The wife pauses.

"No, he wouldn't use those. He's left handed."

[Platapus]

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

One brown eye is nice, but if it's green, she needs to see a doctor first.

[Jimbuna]

One brown eye is nice, but if it's green, she needs to see a doctor first.

:o

Google must be a woman, it knows everything.

[BossMark]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"

he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mum and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[Jimbuna]

Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

[BossMark]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!"

[Jimbuna]

I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

[Gargamel]

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/11/1/129015899709989355.jpg

:O:


A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

http://jeffpicard.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/rim-shot-johnny-utah.jpg

So yeah.....

My wife's boss is getting Married.

She's a Catholic. Her fiancee is a devout palestinian Muslim. They were going to do non denominational service. So the facility got them a jewish rabbi to officiate.

Now theres a joke.

[Jimbuna]

Walking through the market today, a red-headed bloke was shouting, "Get your baguettes! Thick and thin sliced loaves! Wholemeal, brown, white, seeded! Bloomers, rolls, baps and buns!"

Then he ran off.

I couldn't catch him though, he was the ginger bread man.

[BossMark]

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood...

The pig and the cow.

[Jimbuna]

"Things are going to get better" I said as I left the hospital with my wife.

"What are you on? I've just been given 3 months to live" said my wife.

"I was talking to myself" I replied .

[BossMark]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the side walk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mm mm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

[Jimbuna]

When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider.

Just to hear the words "Oh my God, it's huge!"

[Jimbuna]

The Boss has just told he want's to speak to me about my performance lately.

The missus swore she wouldn't tell anybody.

[BossMark]

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

[Jimbuna]

I used to hate eating my greens as a kid.

For some reason they tasted worse than the other crayons.

[BossMark]

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where yeah from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."