The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

How do you know when you've drunk too much at your office party?

No one has joined your one man conga for the last 3 hours.

[Platapus]

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

[Jimbuna]

My friend once drank a boat load of beer and in the morning threw it all up in the living room.

It was sick.

[Platapus]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer."
The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer."
The third mathematician: "I'll have one eight of a beer."
The fourth mathematician: "I'll have one sixteenth of a."
The bartender interrupts: "Know your limits, boys" as he pours out a single beer.

[Jimbuna]

We were being held hostage during a bank robbery, these crooks meant business. The leader shouted "The next person to make a sound is dead."

He turned his head, this was my chance,I might never have this opportunity again, I slowly crept my hand behind my back toward my trembling, unsuspecting wife, taking care as to not be seen

And yanked her hair with all my might.

[Schroeder]

We were being held hostage during a bank robbery, these crooks meant business. The leader shouted "The next person to make a sound is dead."

He turned his head, this was my chance,I might never have this opportunity again, I slowly crept my hand behind my back toward my trembling, unsuspecting wife, taking care as to not be seen

And yanked her hair with all my might.
When I see all those jokes I think this might be a good one in the UK:
An old couple that was married happily for decades sits on a bench...

[Jimbuna]

Good idea....until I read the 'happily married' part :O:

[BossMark]

A blonde is sitting at the bar looking forlorn.

A guy walks up and says "Hey sugar tits, what's the matter?"

The blonde replies "I recently found out why I'm so popular..."

The guy grins staring at her massive tits.

The blonds continues "... it because of my novelty door bell chime"

"What?!?" the guy says astonished

"Yeah. A couple of weeks back, all my friends suddenly stopped visiting. They only started coming to see me again when I changed the batteries in the door bell"

[Jimbuna]

In order to concentrate on their core customer base, Mothercare in Liverpool have decided to hold under-thirteen's nights.

[BossMark]

Drugs overdose victim Cory Monteith's co star and long term girlfriend Lea Michele who he was due to marry in two weeks time, has today spoken out for the first time in public since his death.

"Even though Cory is gone, his legacy will live with us and he will always be remembered" she said.

Yes, as the guy who'd rather kill himself than marry you.

[Jimbuna]

I really hope Kate and Wills have a little boy and call him Prawn.. would be awesome to have a King Prawn on the throne.

[BossMark]

As from today state hand outs will be limited to £25000 per annum per household.


I wonder if anyone has told the Royal family yet.

[Jimbuna]

"You have been charged with assaulting your wife with a fish," the judge said. "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Yes," I replied, "It's cods wallop."

[Platapus]

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: "Make me one with everything".

[BossMark]

Little Johnny is sat in class.

"Johnny" his teacher says. "If your mum works 30 hours a week for a month, what does she end up with?"

"Unless it's cash in hand" Johnny replied, "A visit from the benefit fraud team."

[Jimbuna]

Stars are so interesting, I could watch them all night through my telescope.

Right now, Cheryl Cole's hoovering her living room.

[BossMark]

I dived into the pool to save the mother-in-law from drowning this morning.

''Tom,'' smiled my wife. ''I never knew you loved mother so much.''

''I don't,'' I replied, ''The bitch still owes me 50 bloody quid.''

[Jimbuna]

Had a great day at my son's school sports day last week.
I even beat my best for the 100 metres.

I got to 74 metres.

[BossMark]

I recently started going to sign language classes for my kids.

They're not deaf. They're just teenagers who don't bloody listen.

[Jimbuna]

I asked my wife when she next visits me in prison could she bring me a cake with a file in it.

She brought one today. Stupid woman, the file was 40 GB and had all our wedding photos on it.

[Platapus]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

[Jimbuna]

Just like his hair transplant, Chelsea's bid for Wayne Rooney has been rejected!

[BossMark]

Wayne Rooney is said to be "angry and sad" as reported in the papers.

This is apparently not about his situation with man utd, but the child lock on the fridge.

[Jimbuna]

I was a bit upset when I overheard my wife telling her friend I'm useless in the bedroom department.

The wallpapering isn't that bad.

[BossMark]

"Every time I see you, you have a bloody beer can in your hand. Are you becoming an alcoholic?!" screamed the missus.

I just told her yes, because it was much easier than admitting to her that last week my mate Dave dared me to glue it to my hand just to see what would happen.

[Jimbuna]

I had ordered the hall, bought the beers, bought 500 balloons and invited 20 strippers to the party.
Then my mate told me that I'm an illiterate.
My wife's text after she left the doctors said she was close to deaf not death.

[Platapus]

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg

[Jimbuna]

Got a lovely tan now with all this hot and sunny weather.

Now I'll be able to blend in as an undercover agent on our force's next anti-grooming sting operation.

[BossMark]

Wayne Rooney has instructed his agent to complete his transfer immediately from Manchester United after he overheard someone mention Chelsea pensioners.

[Jimbuna]

Papiss Cissé fined for refusing to wear shirt showing Newcastle club sponsor Wonga.

Initial fine of £5,000, rising to £47,987,654,334 if he hasn't paid by Friday.

[BossMark]

When asked today about Chelsea's bid for Wayne Rooney, John Terry was his usual self.

"What do I think? It's not gonna happen. I'm not sharing a shower with some bloody pig ugly dwarf!" he said.

Although it remains unclear if he meant Wayne or Coleen.

[Jimbuna]

The media is full of shock over Britain's recent heatwave..

Or as we used to call it... 'Summer'.

[BossMark]

Thank you for calling the Constipation hotline....can you please hold?

[Jimbuna]

Bullies have been targeting my son, calling him a freak.

They'll never get hold of him though.

That boy's got eyes in the back of his head.

[Platapus]

Thank you for calling the Constipation hotline....can you please hold?

Wouldn't be more funny if it was the diarrhea hotline?

[BossMark]

My Irish mate Paddy called me today.

"I've just bought one of those cheap barbecues from Tesco." he said, "You cook whatever you want and then throw it away."

"Any good?" I asked.

He said, "No, my bin is full of sausages and I'm bloody starving."

[Jimbuna]

A postman died on his rounds after collapsing in the extreme heat.

Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider who found him unconscious, left a card saying 'Sorry you were out'.

[BossMark]

"David Moyes says Rooney not for sale". The women he goes for normally are though.

[Jimbuna]

I tried to sing Michael Jackson at karaoke last night.

It was Bad.

[frau kaleun]

I tried to sing Michael Jackson at karaoke last night.

It was Bad.

Did the other patrons get disgusted and tell you to Beat It?

[Jimbuna]

Did the other patrons get disgusted and tell you to Beat It?

One girl even asked if she could "Hold My Hand" :)

[BossMark]

One girl even asked if she could "Hold My Hand" :)
Bet that was a "thriller"

[Sailor Steve]

He couldn't leave. Billie Jean kept making requests.

[Jimbuna]

I told her to "Call On Me".

[BossMark]

I lost my wife in a game of high stakes poker last night.

I must be the only person in history to fold a Royal flush.

[Jimbuna]

I saw an orange walk yesterday.

I'm never holidaying in Chernobyl again.

[BossMark]

I said to my wife "Sorry darling, but I withdrew £10,000 from our joint savings account and lost it on a horse"

"For gods sake!" She screamed "I thought you stopped gambling?"

"I have" I replied "I was riding a horse and £10,000 fell out of my pocket"

[Jimbuna]

My mate has no sense of touch.

I feel for him

[BossMark]

Queen: "Gay marriage is now legal in the U.K. "

Camilla: "Can I take off this dress now?"

[Jimbuna]

The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

[BossMark]

After my wife gave birth, I asked the nurse, ''How long before we start to have sex.''

''In two weeks time,'' she replied.

''Good,'' I said, ''I'll give you a call then.''

[Jimbuna]

Hospitals across the UK say they have seen a rise in the number of severe sunburn cases among children.

Whilst in the mile long queue to be seen for their cut finger outside the hospital no doubt!

[BossMark]

Chelsea FC is said to be at the brink of bringing Wayne Rooney to Stamford Bridge after they managed to agree on his personal terms.

A £200,000 a month, a swank studio apartment in an undisclosed London area, a year stock of Walker's chips and weekly visits to all-female old folks home have sealed the deal.

[Jimbuna]

A wise man once said, "When you find something that you love doing, you'll never have to work another day in your life."

He was right.

Turns out I love sitting on the couch watching the Jeremy Kyle Show.

[BossMark]

"So then sir, you've tried all of the 3D TV's in the store, have you decided which one to go for? said the bloke in the electrical store.

"Not really? I said, "Nothings jumping out at me."

[Jimbuna]

When my wife told me to wash the kids last night, I learnt something new.

Children aren't dishwasher safe.

[BossMark]

The Queen said that she would like the Royal baby to be born before she goes on holiday. Then someone reminded her she's more or less been on holiday since 1952....

[Jimbuna]

I used to be in a really cool band.

We had lots of fans.

[BossMark]

I've just seen a Disney trailer in the cinema.

It said, "A new movie from the people that brought you Up."

Bloody hell. I never knew Mum and Dad made films.

[Jimbuna]

I've been arrested for stealing body parts from the local mortuary.

I was just trying to make some new friends.

[BossMark]

My son asked me what the difference between a pavement and a sidewalk was:

"A firm grasp of the English language" I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Priests should definitely be allowed to marry and have kids.

Church services would be a lot shorter as they would be as keen to get to the pub as the rest of us.

[BossMark]

I have a special ring tone for my wife.

Silent.

[Jimbuna]

My mate just asked, "What's number one on your bucket list?"

I said, "Don't die."

[BossMark]

I walked into the kitchen this morning and said to my wife, "I'm really sorry for not remembering your birthday yesterday Darling. It won't happen again."

"How can you be so sure it won't happen again?"

"Because of these." I said, as I handed her a package.

"What's this?" She asked excitedly

"Enough birthday cards to cover the next 20 years."

[Jimbuna]

I used to be in a really heavy metal band.

I played iridium guitar.

[BossMark]

My wife shouted from the bathroom "love, kids are out. Get me something to wear that will make you happy"

She's not come down yet and it's been a hour, I hope the noose didn't offend her?

[Jimbuna]

I have a friend that is so scared of cheese that she breaks out in a cold sweat just at the thought of it. It's a nightmare trying to get her to have her photo taken.

[BossMark]

Hazel Irvine has just commented on BBC TV, about Tiger Woods at the Open in Muirfield:

'It's inevitable that some of the energy has been sucked out of him.'

Naughty of Tiger to sneak women into his room again.

[Jimbuna]

As I stepped off of the plane, I could here my sons voice calling me. The tone of his sobbing voice sent shivers down my spine.

"Dad you bad bugga, watch where your going. You've broken my best toy"

[BossMark]

I was going for a shower when the girlfriend asked if I could shave my chest.

what next, wax the oven, vejazzle the wardrobe?!

[Jimbuna]

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.

But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to death with fishing stories.

[BossMark]

"All the Royal family can do is sit around and wait for news."

Makes a change doesn't it.

[Jimbuna]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[BossMark]

The estimated cost of raising the impending Royal baby up to the age of 18 will cost the taxpayer around 3.6 million pounds.

Making the birth pay per view would have easily covered that.

[Jimbuna]

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates!

[BossMark]

I was so drunk yesterday that I ended up urinating on a bouquet of flowers!

Which made my mother-in-laws funeral very awkward.

[Jimbuna]

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

[garren]

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"


Another blonde woman reads your joke and says, "What? I don't get it". :)

[BossMark]

Buckingham palace have just released a statement on the day of the birth of the royal baby, saying that he's fine and well - enjoying crapping himself and sucking kate middleton's nipples. It's Good to hear Prince Phillip's back to his old self...

[Jimbuna]

Tomorrow's headlines
GUARDIAN: It's a boy!
TELEGRAPH: It's a boy!
DAILY MAIL: Has Kate lost the baby weight yet?

[Schroeder]

Tomorrow's headlines
GUARDIAN: It's a boy!
TELEGRAPH: It's a boy!
DAILY MAIL: Has Kate lost the baby weight yet?
The Sun: Is prince William the real father?

[Herr-Berbunch]

The Sun: Is prince William the real father?

No, John Terry is, I've seen the pictures to prove it too. :D

[Sailor Steve]

From the long-gone days of my youth.

A letter from college:

Dear dad;
No mon, no fun.
Your Son

Dear Son;
Too bad, how sad.
Love, Dad

[Jimbuna]

I'm no Tour de France expert but it seems that the best way to win is to wear a yellow t-shirt.

[BossMark]

A row has broken out between the two princes over the name of the new baby, William wants it to be named Charles after his dad, and Harry wants it naming James after his.

[Jimbuna]

I recently made two grand profit on a car I sold.

My wife says, "Why don't we spend it all on one luxurious night?"

I said, "Honey, I work in finance, I warn my clients about this sort of thing all the time."

She said, "What? Enjoying their money?"

I replied, "No, listening to their wives!"

[BossMark]

I was stood outside last night, wondering why lightning came after thunder, and then it struck me.

[Jimbuna]

They should call the new royal prince Kong.

Which country is going to mess with another country that is being led by King Kong?

[BossMark]

62 gun salute at the Tower of London to mark the birth of the Royal Baby but mainly its to intimidate the French.

[Jimbuna]

The case of the body in a case has taken a dramatic turn, after Paddington Bear was seen on a flight to Peru minus his suitcase.

[BossMark]

It's a boy, it's a boy!

I think I've finally worked out the gender of Serena Williams.

[Jimbuna]

David Moyes has asked Wayne Rooney to hand in a written transfer request...

Thats the end of that then.

[BossMark]

Arsene Wenger has come out and said that the rumoured bid of £40 million plus £1 bid for Suarez is utter rubbish.

And that the extra £1 was in fact for Stuart Downing.

[Jimbuna]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a bar, trying to chat up the ladies. Talking to a hot, airhead chick, the Englishman senses his chance and tries to get the sympathy angle.

"I've just been diagnosed with Motor-Neurone Disease. I have no idea how long I've got left to live."

Sure enough, he takes her home with him for sex.

The Scotsman notices an attractive girl and tries a similar line.

"I've got liver cyrrhosis, I don't know how long I've got to live."

Sure enough, he takes her home for sex.

The Irishman decides he has to pull because he's now on his own, approaches a woman.

"I haven't got long to live..." he said, pausing for time to think of a disease, "Would you sleep with me? I've got AIDS."

[BossMark]

I can't believe how stupid my Wife is,
She's gone to work and forgotten to take her mobile with her,
I've texted her several times to tell her but the thick bitch hasn't replied yet.

[Jimbuna]

So the new £10 note will feature a woman for the very first time.

Will work quite well I think as a reminder to men why they don't own any £10 notes.

[BossMark]

I took my new wife's hand on our wedding night, and led her up to the bedroom.
I could feel the tension in her hands as she anticipated doing something she had longed to do for so long. And I wasn't going to disappoint her.
I was ready to show her how much I needed her.
I had the room all ready.
Ironing board, iron and a pile of my clothes.

[Mittelwaechter]

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.

But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to death with fishing stories.

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.

But teach a man to fish, and he will endanger the whole species.

[frau kaleun]

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.

But set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

[Spiced_Rum]

I had a strange time last night.

First my blind date didn't turn up, then some woman walked in, gave me a weird look and immediately left the restaurant.

[Spiced_Rum]

My PC takes such a long time to shut down I've decided to call it Nelson Mandela.

[Jimbuna]

"Now, I'm no brain surgeon, but..."

Is what I like to say to my patients just before the anaesthetic kicks in.

[BossMark]

I made the mistake of waving at someone at an auction whilst the sale of a masterpiece by Rembrandt was going on.

It wasn't who I thought it was, and I looked very silly.

[Spiced_Rum]

"Fire in the hole!"

I shouted as I picked up Deep Heat instead of Anusol.

[BossMark]

My marriage has been in trouble lately because of my drinking.

Last night I took my wife for a reconciliatory dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date. I got hammered, puked down my shirt and pissed my trousers. When I woke up this morning, she'd left me a note saying she's going to take me to the cleaners.

That's very considerate of her.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a sports day in Japan today.

It was quite enjoyable but I must say the egg and chopstick race was a challenge.

[BossMark]

"Why so glum?" asked the barman.
"My best mate has just been crushed to death," I replied.
"I'm sorry," he sympathised. "How did that happen?"
"He was having an affair with my wife and he let her go on top."

[Jimbuna]

I went to Waitrose today and the shop was divided into 2 sections.

Organic and things I can afford.

[BossMark]

The wife and I were walking home from the bar when a young hoodie holding a knife asked me for my wallet.

I said, "Go ahead, there's nothing in it!"

He yelled, "What do you mean there's nothing in it?"

I replied, "It's the end of the night and I'm with my wife, you do the math!"

[Jimbuna]

Why did Kate, Will and George cross the road?

Who knows! But the Daily Mail have dedicated their first 30 pages to it.

[BossMark]

The Royal baby is third in line for the throne.
To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line."

[Jimbuna]

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
"What are these little round things", I asked.
"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.
"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

[BossMark]

I bought a book on addictions yesterday.

I've read it twelve times already.

[Jimbuna]

I lost my wife in tesco last week
One minute she was picking up sugar and milk, and the next she was having a heart attack over the food prices on isle 6

[BossMark]

This Rooney hating thing has gone too far. I'm outside Old Trafford & there's a guy burning small effigies of Rooney & selling them to fans. Oh, hang on....its a baked potato stand.

[Jimbuna]

My mother says that I waste too much of my time on the Internet.

She's probably right - I'm removing Internet explorer and shall be using Chrome from now on.

[BossMark]

My boss told me I'm not allowed to say 'there's a new opening at work'.

I have to call her my secretary.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said "Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get angry back. How do you control your temper?"

"That's easy," I replied. "I just go and clean the toilet."

"How the does that help?" she asked.

"I use your toothbrush."

[fireftr18]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps.

As they... walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very
large gorilla, the gorilla goes bonkers. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy, pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife
tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that could wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall,
she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the
gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open
the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[BossMark]

I was on the phone to Powergen about my bill when I said to the wife "Pop into the garage with a pen and paper love and write down what it says on the meter"

She came back a minute later and handed me a piece of paper that said "Danger High Voltage"

[BossMark]

"I wish we were a couple like Justin and Selena," I said to my girlfriend.

"Get with it," she said, "they've split up."

"OK, then Heidi and Seal."

"They've split up too!"

"OK, then like Justin and Britney."

"They split up 10 years ago!"

"Hmm," I said, "you're not bloody getting it, are you?"

[Jimbuna]

A group of boys were found smoking marijuana behind a shop at night.

Ganja believe it?

[BossMark]

I'm pretty sure if Newcastle do manage to sign Gomis and Remy then they are legally obliged to change their team name to France...

[Jimbuna]

"One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out"

[BossMark]

Before the ball could touch the floor, I booted it, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. I ripped my shirt off and punched the air.

I looked over to my stunned coach, who shook his head, then sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

[Jimbuna]

I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'.

It's available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

[BossMark]

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

[Jimbuna]

I went to the chemists to pick up my prescription and the woman behind the counter said, "I must warn you, the side-effects may include bleeding gums."

"What, from taking vitamin supplements?" I asked.

She replied, "No, from gnawing at the bottle top trying to get into them."

[BossMark]

My Scouse wife constantly boasts about her brother who has won several awards just for doing his job.

I don't think there's anything special about being National Prison Librarian of the Year.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was furious when she found an old sex tape I'd made a few years ago in the back of a wardrobe.

"So I messed around before we got together" I said. "Big deal."

"Big deal?" She snapped. "You're wearing your wedding suit in it!"

[BossMark]

I've written a book on being made unemployed.

Ironically, it ends on page 45.

[Jimbuna]

My grandmother passed away at the weekend , surrounded by her close family.

I reckon she'd still have been alive today, if we hadn't all squeezed in that lift with her.

[California-781]

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

[Jimbuna]

I've been playing a few pranks on the missus recently. Last night I replaced her sleeping tablets with laxatives just before we got into bed.

Unfortunately it back fired on me.

[BossMark]

So Gareth Bale will cost Real £95 million?..

Making him the most expensive thing to come out of Wales since Ryan Giggs CSA payments.

[Jimbuna]

"Are we going into this pole dancing club?" asked my Welsh mate.

"That's a kebab shop," I replied.

[BossMark]

My wife asked me "What you doing today"?
I said "Nothing, why"?
She said "You did that yesterday..."

"Yup, but I didn't finish".

[TarJak]

What's orange, 2 miles long and smells of kebab?


The queue for the morning after pill at every Boots in Newcastle,today

[TarJak]

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And most of all being suspicious of anything Foreign. ...

[Jimbuna]

"Meet curvy local woman...click here"

Or just go down to your local Greggs at lunchtime.

[TarJak]

Me & the wife were watching a nature programme, the guy put down a huge bloody bone then hid in the bushes. A lion came up, sniffed the air then started to gnaw on the bone. Quick as a flash, the hunter jumped out, threw a net over the lion then reached through the net & injected the captured lion with a sedative.

The wife shuddered & said "You wouldn't catch me doing that!"

I replied "I know. I'd probably have to use a large kebab instead"

[Jimbuna]

In a last desperate attempt to cling to power in Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe has changed his name to, 'Do you want to live' on the ballot papers.

[BossMark]

I have one foot in Wednesday and the other in Friday and its only Wednesday morning.

My wife really needs to wash my socks properly.

[Jimbuna]

I still keep in contact with my ex-wife, even though I hit her with a hammer.

The Medium who arranges it is the best in town.

[BossMark]

I was gutted when my wife found the two surprise tickets for a weekend in Paris in my wardrobe.

I've got to take her now instead of my secretary.

[Jimbuna]

My wife took a crossword book to bed with her last night.

"Do you fancy a bit of wordplay?" She asked.

"That's a new name for it," I replied.

[BossMark]

I invited my new girlfriend over for dinner last night.
As she sat down she said, "Do you have people over for dinner very often?"
"Not really", I replied. "Why do you ask?".
"Just wondered", she said, cutting her toast up with a CD

[Jimbuna]

I hate people who judge others without even knowing them.

You can always tell who the buggas are just by looking at them.

[Spiced_Rum]

I watched my wife give birth today and it was an amazing experience.
I would have missed it if it wasn't for iPhone FaceTime, and free wifi in the pub

[Platapus]

My wife likes to talk dirty to me during sex.

Last night she called me from her hotel room

-R Dangerfield

[Spiced_Rum]

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

[BossMark]

Even though there was a big blow for "Right to Die" campaigners at the Appeals Court today, I'm still going to carry on campaigning.

My wife has been looking quite peaky with a cold recently.

[Jimbuna]

Doubts have been cast over Mugabe's win at the Zimbabwe polls.

Personally, I think he should be congratulated for getting 110% of the votes.

[BossMark]

Compare Suárez to Bale?

One is from a third world country where the locals still throw stones at the moon & the other is from Uruguay.

[Jimbuna]

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.

They've been sizing each other up for hours.

[BossMark]

£85 million for a football transfer?

When I was a kid they used to be free with chewing gum.

[Jimbuna]

The best part going to the dentist was the fact he put me to sleep before extracting my tooth.

The worst part was getting back to mine and finding out my boxers were on backwards.

[BossMark]

I had a job interview for a salesman today.

As the company director scanned through my CV, he suddenly looked up at me said, "I want you to try and sell me your shoes."

"No chance," I said, "My nan bought me these for my birthday."

[Jimbuna]

My mate Paddy called me last night.

He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."

I said, "Drinks are on you then!"

He said, "I'm not selling them."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"

[BossMark]

I've heard that Usain Bolt and Mo Farah are planning to race each other for charity. I think they should make it more interesting and get a cheetah involved too.

How about Lance Armstrong?

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks the golf club professional if he could teach him how to play.
The professional took him to a par 4 hole and put a ball on the tee.
He showed his pupil how to hold the club, address the ball and hit it.
The pupil then takes position, addresses the ball and asks, "What do I do now?"
"You hit the ball as close to the flag as possible", said the pro.
That said, the pupil took an almighty swipe and the ball disappeared from sight.
"Not bad", said the pro, "Let's see where it's landed".
When they got to the hole, the ball was about 4 inches from the pin.
"What do I do now?", asked the pupil.
"Knock it into the hole", said the pro.
"Why the heck didn't you tell me to do that when I tee'd off you stupid fool?" said the pupil.

[BossMark]

"Why don't you two just bloody grow up" I shouted out the window.
"Who you talking to" asked the wife.
"Oh just the plants" I said.

[Jimbuna]

When I proposed to my wife she told me to pick the outfits as long as they matched.

I looked ridiculous walking down the aisle wearing a dress.

[TarJak]

I designed a new type of submarine for the Navy, made entirely out of recycled bubble wrap.


Needless to say it didn't go down well.

[Jimbuna]

Everyday I see that advert, "Have you had a trip, fall or accident at work" and everyday I call and everyday they say the same thing...

Go away, Mr Knievel.

[BossMark]

My mate said, "Do you think there's life after death?"

I said, "Yeah, it's called divorce."

[TarJak]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[BossMark]

I spotted my mate in the pub sipping a Perrier.

"Soft drinks?" I said accusingly. "Even Fosters is stronger than that!"

"I doubt it," he replied. "This slice of lemon's been fermenting for nearly ten minutes now."

[Jimbuna]

I just saved £500 by buying a can of Febreze instead of a washing machine.

[BossMark]

My wife rang the police from her mobile because she thought someone was following her.
She's a crap tour guide.

[Jimbuna]

I was going to buy lottery tickets on the way home from work,

but I was running late, so in order to save time I decided to throw my money out the window instead.

[BossMark]

News: Canadian border agents find marijuana on Justin Bieber's tour bus.

They said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back.

Then they found the marijuana.

[TarJak]

My girlfriend and I were caught having sex under the covers last night.

I've been banned from my local cricket club for six months.

[BossMark]

I was woken up at 3am. It was pitch black. I heard the creaking of wood, sounding like foot steps coming down the hall. It had gotten so cold all of a sudden I could see my breath. My heart began to race, I was terrified. I've seen this before and it could only mean one thing,

"You're home early, love. I didn't expect you home until 7." I said depressingly

[TarJak]

An Albanian, a Pole, and an English man are in the same bar.

When the Albania finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Albania, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Pole, obviously impressed by this, drinks his vodka, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland, we have so many vodka glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Indian and the Pole. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[Jimbuna]

An Albanian, a Pole, and an English man are in the same bar.

When the Albania finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Albania, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Pole, obviously impressed by this, drinks his vodka, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland, we have so many vodka glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Indian and the Pole. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

How come the Albanian changed his nationality to Indian? :)

[Jimbuna]

It's a shame bus drivers don't have to give that little speech at the beginning of journeys like pilots do.

"Good morning, my name is Bill and I am our driver today. The weather is crap and I hate you all. Enjoy your commute."

[TarJak]

How come the Albanian changed his nationality to Indian? :)

The pom liked the Albanian better.:D Bad typo.

[Jimbuna]

The pom liked the Albanian better.:D Bad typo.

God job you missed my 'scrap' weather typo then :)

[TarJak]

I noticed but ignored. I also assume that its meant to be your bus not our bus.:03:

[BossMark]

My wife left me a suicide note.

It said "hi honey I'm going for a drive"

So I guess that's what it means anyway.

[TarJak]

Where does Kevin Pieterson stay when the English team tours South Africa?

His mum and dad's.

[BossMark]

Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket?

It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.

[BossMark]

I can't decide whether to go to Australia or Thailand this year for a holiday. So I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of both.

Australia has a load of Cons, but Thailand has lots of Pros.

[TarJak]

What is the difference between an english cricketer and a Hong Kong chef?

One cuts up chinese the other one chinese cuts

[BossMark]

Study: 25% of British toddlers know how to use an iPad.

That's nothing. 100% of Chinese toddlers know how to make one.

[TarJak]

There are two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

[BossMark]

My wife's been moaning we need a new tap for the kitchen sink.

Now that I finally put one on, she's moaning about how she can't wash dishes with beer.

[TarJak]

Two villages in Yorkshire are preparing for a Sunday match. In the dressing room Smith , the captain , says "Where Fred?"

"Fred's working down pit skip , he can't play." said Tom
"Bugger! We're one short , anyone else here to play?" said the skipper.
No-one spoke and then this horse popped it's head around the door and said ,"I can play!"

The skipper laughed and said,"Horses can't play cricket!"
"I can", responded the horse ,"and I'll open t'batting too!"
There being no-one else , they put pads on the horses front legs and a bat in his teeth. The skipper tried to take strike becuase the opening bowler was seriously quick , but the horse wouldn't have it.

The bowler charged in and the horse sprang forward and smashed the 1st ball for 6 over long on.

"Great shot horse , brilliant!" said the skip.

"I told thee I could bat!" shouted the horse.

The next 4 balls all went for 6 , all around the ground and the crowd were going mad!! The bowler was really fed up and as he reached the crease to bowl his last ball , he rolled his fingers over it and sent down a devious slower ball. The horse was going to drive yet again when he realised it was the slower ball. Changing strokes , he carefully pushed the ball into the offside. After all the massive hitting the fielders were all on the fence and there was no-one close to retrieve the ball.

"Yes!!" screamed the skip , charging off for the single. The horse remained rooted to the crease , a fielder threw to the bowler's end and the skip was run out by a mile.

'Why didn't thee run?" said the skip to the horse.

"If I could run , I'd be in the Epsom Derby!" said the horse.

[BossMark]

^^:shifty: :88):)


My granddad told me he is having a bit of trouble with the family who live next door to him.

Parties until five in the morning, loud sex every night and eggs being thrown at windows.

They're starting to get really fed up of him.

[BossMark]

I went to the council and asked for a much bigger house.

The Housing Manager said, "You're in a huge 5 bedroom house, and there's just you and your wife. Why would you need a bigger house?"

"She keeps finding me." I told him.

[Jimbuna]

1813 Women have no rights.

1913 Women fight for some rights.

2013 Women are always right.

[BossMark]

I was involved in an one-night stand that went horribly wrong.
We've been married for 3 years now.

[Jimbuna]

Whenever concert tickets costs over 100 quid,

I just wear my shirt that says "Security."

[BossMark]

I ran into my mate Paddy on the High Street yesterday. "Fancy a pint?" I asked him.

"I can't, pal," he replied, "I'm filthy, I've just finished work."

"Go home, dive in a quick shower and meet me in half an hour," I told him.

Half an hour later, my phone goes: "Alright, mate! Sorry, I can't come out, I think that diving has given me ' concussion!"

[Jimbuna]

I asked my son what he would like for his birthday.

He said, "For you to remember it this time."

"Ok," I laughed. "How long is it before your next birthday?"

He replied, "364 days."

[BossMark]

It's our diamond wedding anniversary this week." Said the wife.

"And it would be really nice to have something big. You know, something that might have, diamonds in it?" She winked.

Well I can take a hint and I didn't want to disappoint her.

You should have seen her little face light up when she unwrapped that 12 inch angle grinder blade.

[Jimbuna]

I got my mogwai wet and fed it after midnight but nothing happened. I think my brother might be right.

It is just a gerbil.

[BossMark]

Recently spent a lot of money on a rottweiler to be used as a watchdog.

It did a fantastic job too, because when I came home from work, it had sat and watched the burglars take everything I bloody own.

[Jimbuna]

My wife has so much hair sprouting from her nose, I swear she has an ingrown moustache.

[BossMark]

Little Chef sold to Kuwaiti firm.

Bugger, how much oil is in their fried breakfast ?

[Jimbuna]

David Beckham is working away so he goes into Interflora to get a bouquet of flowers for Victoria.

"Do you want them scented?" asks the assistant.

"Yes please," says David. "It's too far to take them myself."

[BossMark]

One night while we were camping, my dad thought he'd scare us by putting a torch under his chin.

The silly sod set fire to his beard.

[Jimbuna]

I've just broken the sound barrier... Or as the police called it, my wife's jaw.

[BossMark]

Simon Cowell has been admitted to hospital with a lower intestinal blockage.

Doctors have have suggested that he should pull his head out of his own arse.

[Jimbuna]

I remember the days of when I wasn't married,

Like it were 4 years, 3 months, 7 days, 8 hours, 16 minutes, and 33 seconds ago.

[BossMark]

I couldn't believe it when I got arrested for holding an illegal dog fight in my garden last night.

It's not my fault my wife and her sister decided to kick off with each other at my barbecue.

[Jimbuna]

Suarez, Rooney & Bale have all pulled out of pre-season friendlies due to ''Injury''.

Doctors have been quick to diagnose them all with a new disease called ''Transfer-itis''

[BossMark]

I finished my test-tube burger, and the waitress brought me the bill.

"Two hundred and fifty grand?!" I gulped, "How is that even possible?"

"We got the bun from Waitrose," she replied.

[Jimbuna]

I work for a really bad advertising company.

You probably haven't heard of us.

[BossMark]

I was having dinner with this beautiful blonde last night.

"So, where do you work?" I asked.

She said, "Just around the corner."

"Like in a supermarket or something?"

She said, "This is your first time with a prostitute, love, isn't it?"

[Jimbuna]

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women.

For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

[BossMark]

I was sat waiting for the start of the football last night when my blonde wife said, "The team in white will win."

"Why do you think that?" I asked.

She said, "Well, look at the size of them compared to the team stood in front of them."

"You stupid bitch, that's not the other team. They're the mascots."

[Jimbuna]

"You really don't want your wife to emerge from this coma, do you?" The Consultant said.

"Don't be absurd!" I replied, "Why would you even make such an accusation?"

"Because you keep playing her that CD of lullabies whenever she shows signs of waking up."

[BossMark]

"Daddy, is there such thing as ghosts?"

"Why do you ask son?"

"I heard a woman moaning, and banging, and groaning all night from your room, and since mum just died..."

"Well, son..." I replied nervously, "I think you're old enough to know the truth."

"Our house is haunted as hell."

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING. Gareth Bale falls out of the transfer window but grabs a tree and swings to safety. Source says Real Madrid are relieved he is okay.

[BossMark]

The Advertising Standards Authority has received hundreds of complaints about the new Marmite advert, finding it "offensive" and "in poor taste".

Rather like Marmite, then?

[Jimbuna]

There are only two types of dancing;

Pole and boring.

[BossMark]

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

[Jimbuna]

"Can you read that car's number plate from here?" asked my instructor today.

"Bloody yes!" I replied, "Now can you please open the parachute!"

[BossMark]

After finishing my drink I went in to the kitchen and put my glass on the side of the sink. My wife screamed, "How hard would it be to put your glass in the dishwasher instead of leaving it there?"

I replied, "Don't know. I've never tried."

[BossMark]

Although a UKIP MEP has stated that Bongo Bongo Land doesn't actually exist it is still above Scotland and Wales in the FIFA world rankings.

[Jimbuna]

There was a guy with a sign saying 'Will Work For Food' sitting outside McDonald's.

I borrowed it from him, then went back inside to join the queue.

[BossMark]

We now bring you a special ITV Anglia news report on the 60th Anniversary of the Great Train Robbery.

AKA The only bloody exciting thing that's actually happened in the Anglia Region in the last 60 years.

[BossMark]

I rang my blonde wife earlier and said, "Do us a favour whilst you're out, get me some elbow grease."

She said, "How stupid do you think I am! When I get back with your headlight fluid, don't ask me to go to Halfords ever again!"

[Jimbuna]

I was on holiday in Cornwall and asked one of the locals the way to Tesco.

Ended up on some tiny uninhabited little island.

[BossMark]

Wow!...when I called the police to let them know I suspected my neighbours were dead, I didn't expect 6 squad cars, 2 riot vans and a helicopter to come rushing to the scene!!

But apparently living opposite a graveyard was something I should have mentioned....

[Jimbuna]

"I'm hungry," I said to the wife.

"There's salad in the fridge."

"Great," I said. "What do you want me to do with that? Nip outside and use it as bait to catch something edible?"

[BossMark]

Following Hull City's lead by having Tigers added to their name, Man U have copied them, and will be known as

Manchester United Cheetahs

[Jimbuna]

I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

[BossMark]

DAILY MIRROR- Edinburgh Zoo's female giant panda Tian Tian may be pregnant

DAILY MAIL- Chinese immigrant scroungers to have baby.

[Jimbuna]

I'm not great at drawing.

So I easily got a job as a courtroom sketch artist.

[BossMark]

I was in a bar with my mate Dave last night when we noticed a group of fit girls sat in the corner.

So, without any hesitation at all, we started dancing near them.

After about 10 minutes I wiped the sweat off my forehead and said, "Dave, I don't think this is working."

"Me neither," he replied breathlessly, "Perhaps we could do with some music."

[Jimbuna]

Not looking forward to the next Wolverine movie, where he fights his ultimate nemesis: 'The Blackboard.'

[BossMark]

I heard the voice of my dead wife last night, "Have you seen the state of the garden? That room needs decorating, you are drinking to much, put that cigarette out, must you watch sport all the time?"

Well, when I say dead......

[Jimbuna]

I bumped into an old friend today and he said, "Hi mate, how're you doing?"

I replied, "Yeah, not too bad. At least I'm not hearing voices telling me what to do any more."

"Why, are you taking medication?" he asked.

I said, "No. I quit my job and got divorced."

[BossMark]

"You stand here accused of some of the most violent and depraved sexual acts ever heard by this courtroom", said the judge. "During the past few weeks we have heard evidence from the 3 imprisoned girls with accompanying photographs and testimony which have caused some of the jurors to leave the courtroom in tears. The victims might perhaps one day be able to reintegrate into society but they will never forget the horrors of the last decade. How do you plead?"

All eyes in the courtroom turned to me. There was silence and I looked down at my shoes in shame. "Guilty", I whispered.

My lawyer rushed in behind me. "Dave", he said, "your parking fine is being heard in room 11, 3 doors down on the left".

[Jimbuna]

At the funeral of his young boy, the father Buffalo watched as he was lowered into the ground, he sniffled and whispered,

'Bison'.

[BossMark]

I went to visit an old friend in Liverpool and he asked, "So where's your wife?"

"Oh, she's gone to a better place." I replied

"I'm sorry mate," he said. "When did she die?"

"She's not dead. She's moved Leeds."

[Jimbuna]

My son got his first car and now he's moaning about how much he has to pay for insurance.

"You can thank your mum for that." I told him

"Why's that?" he asked

"Because she's driving on the same roads you are." I replied

[BossMark]

As me and my wife were walking down the street after our meal at a restaurant, i noticed she had forgotten something, so i phoned them up. I said 'Hi, my wife has left her bag at the table near the window'. 'Ok, can you describe it for me' the waiter replied. 'Yeah, its hideous, reeks of stale piss, looks old and leathery.....'
'Dont bloody talk about my mother like that' my wife interupted.

[BossMark]

Channel 4 recently tried to sell Countdown to networks in the USA.

They were told that there was already a long running show on American TV that challenges the average US citizen in terms of spelling and mental arithmetic.

The 44th season of Sesame Street starts in September.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: "Hi, mum. Dave and I fought again. Can I come stay with you?"

Mother-in-law: "No, he must pay for his mistake. I'll come stay with you."

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS: Michael Owen taken off commentary duties for BT sport with sprained tongue.

[BossMark]

That new Lucozade advert is bollocks! Its totally unrealistic!!
I mean at the end of it Ashley Young is still on his feet!!

[Jimbuna]

I was told by my Doctor that I have dementia.

But I'm going to see my Doctor about it.

[BossMark]

After 30 years of my wife's nagging, my hearing is finally starting to go.

My doctor recommended I wear a hearing aid.

In turn, I recommended him a psychiatrist,

because he's obviously bloody crazy.

[Jimbuna]

My wife came home from town in tears.
"I'd just got out the car," she sobbed. "when this man rushed out of his house shouting and swearing that I couldn't leave it there."
"The swine!" I said. "You pay your road tax; why couldn't you leave the car there?"
"Apparently because it was HIS swimming pool," she wailed.

[BossMark]

Oprah Winfrey has no time for people like the Swiss, who, because they are so well mannered, have no idea what a rich and humble person she is.