The joke thread

[BossMark]

I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What?.." He answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five 'O' clock in the bloody morning! What are you doing on a train?"

"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

[Jimbuna]

Putting the milk away this morning, I noticed a gone-off smell so I left a note for my wife; "Please clean out the fridge."

I wish I hadn't now. There's nothing left for supper, and she's laying on the sofa like a python that's swallowed a goat.

[BossMark]

"You really hate my mother, don't you?" Asked my wife.

"No" I replied "I don't"
.
"Then why have you never invited her to your birthday parties?"

"I invited her to my 50th last year."

"Yes! she snapped "But you're only twenty bloody four!"

[Jimbuna]

Former Wham! Singer Andrew Ridgeley has filed for bankruptcy.

Opening a club where drinks are free was clearly a bad idea.

[BossMark]

I was reading that Bensons For Beds have come out with a top quality mattress costing £24,000.

At the bottom are 4000 pocket springs.

On top of that is cashmere; on top of that mohair; on top of that silk ...

And then on top of that, a gullible idiot who paid £24,000 for a bloody mattress.

[Jimbuna]

Female driving instructors...

The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

[BossMark]

"Cliff Richard, you have the right to remain silent"

If only that was said when he first picked up a microphone...

[Jimbuna]

There's schizophrenia support group meeting tomorrow.

I'm in two minds about going to it.

[Stolbein]

Tottenham Hotspurs

[BossMark]

Don't worry if you don't get the A-level grades you wanted.

I didn't get any A-levels, and look where I am today.

Constantly on here.

[Jimbuna]

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

[BossMark]

A friend of mine had a brain haemorrhage which left him severely retarded and unable to make basic reasonable decisions.

He was recently declared 'fit to work' by ATOS, and told to find a job.

So he's applied for a job at ATOS. He should get along just fine there.

[Jimbuna]

I've been in prison in America for murder and this morning the warden opened my cell and said, "It's time."

"No," I pleaded, "No, you can't do this, it's not right."

"Take your punishment like a man" He replied as he dragged me into the room, "Don't be a coward."

"No, No." I screamed but it was all in vain.

My wife had come to visit and I had to sit and listen to her moaning and groaning for an hour.

[BossMark]

NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars.

The flight alone takes six months ...

It's eleven months if you leave from Gatwick.

[Jimbuna]

Scientists in Japan say that by the end of this year they're going to be growing human organs in pigs and transplanting them into humans.

The irony's obviously lost on them.

They're going to give you a new heart grown in a pig to replace the old one which got clogged up from eating too much bacon and sausage.

[BossMark]

5th Cricket Test match, India vs England:

India's 1st Innings - One day match!
England's 1st Innings - Test match!
India's 2nd Innings - T20 match!

All three cricket formats in one game!

[Jimbuna]

Fishing, perfect for when you want to relax but still want to murder something...

[BossMark]

"I've got some good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Mr Smith, you've clearly never worked as a news presenter before, have you?"

[Jimbuna]

My wife came home from the shops today and I said to her, "Your mother turned up while you were out."

"Well I hope you've made her feel at home," she said.

"Of course I have," I replied. "I stuck her straight in the car and drove her back to her house."

[BossMark]

I'm a bit concerned that the builder we have employed could be a bit dodgy.

He turned up on a horse.

[BossMark]

Gasps of shock and disbelief at the Star Trek convention today.

I turned up with a girlfriend.

[Jimbuna]

It was my wife's funeral today. Everybody came back to my house after the burial, for a few drinks and food.
I was all over the place. One second I was up, the next, I was down again.

All my mother in law could say was, "I can't believe you ordered a bouncy castle for the wake!"

[BossMark]

I was reading about this woman in Torquay. She lived for a whole week in a flat with her dead husband.

She realized he was dead just after she said, " ... and that was my day. How was your day?"

[BossMark]

Apparently Sotheby's have sold a clump of Elvis Presley's hair for £28,000.

Somewhere there's a bloke with shaved bollocks and a new Lexus, laughing his arse off.

[Jimbuna]

I was reading about this bloke who's been arrested for exposing himself on a Ryanair flight to Dublin.

That'll definitely be the first time anyone flying with Ryanair saw free nuts.

[BossMark]

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?



If you had a gun, you'd shoot him too.

[Jimbuna]

My wife had an emergency operation today that resulted in her having to have her mouth stitched shut..

Well it was more of a procedure I guess, seeing as I'm not actually qualified..

[BossMark]

I was in the pub with my wife last night when a bloke approached me in the toilets.

"£200 to sleep with your wife" he said.

"£200?" I laughed. "Sorry pal, it's a nice offer but I don't carry that sort of money around with me."

[Jimbuna]

Archaeologists have confirmed that magic mushrooms were used 6,000 years ago.

And that explains why Adam and Eve saw a talking snake.

[BossMark]

Cilia Black has said that Cliff Richard has never tried to have sex with her.

I doubt if any of the blokes who did sleep with her were really trying.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Going to my last Re-union down in Portsmouth I found myself in the Albany.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you British Sailors think your great drinkers. I bet £1000 that no-one here can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent.
The American noticed one Sailor leaving.
No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Sailor who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "10 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of £1000.
Bring it on" replied the Sailor, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"Ok yank, pay up." said the Sailor.
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Sailor replied, "Well sir, £1000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

[BossMark]

I had a Scouse girl babysit for me once. Never again!

I said on my way out, "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen."

Bitch took the microwave.

[Jimbuna]

In the event of a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches. Which means Britain should still have a functioning government.

[BossMark]

I've been seeing this homeless girl recently and I think I'm starting to like her.

So today I took her in for a date.

[Jimbuna]

I was shocked when my son's primary school teacher told me he was autistic.

Anyway, it turns out the teacher has a speech impediment and my son's a pretty good painter.

[BossMark]

I'd like to nominate Justin Bieber for the bucket of boiling water challenge.

[swamprat69er]

I'd like to nominate Justin Bieber for the bucket of boiling water challenge.
seconded

[Jimbuna]

Annoyed Paddy returned back to his local electrical store in a bit of a huff.

"Hey salesman...I ain't happy with my new freezer, you told me that a chicken would last in it for 6 months.

Salesman: "Yes sir, it will, no problem. What is this about?"

Paddy: "6 months?!...jaysus I put one in last night and it was dead this morning!"

[BossMark]

On a Ryanair flight to Spain, a woman stripped completely naked and had to be restrained by flight attendants.

Ryanair immediately charged all the other passengers a £256 'entertainment fee'.

[BossMark]

BBC News: Man jailed for 3 years for filming Fast And Furious in cinema, I can sleep safe tonight in the knowledge that this hardened criminal mastermind is off our streets...

[Jimbuna]

I have degrees in psychology, economics and politics.
I don't have a job but at least I know why.

[Wolferz]

I would have named my dog Stains but, I figured every time I called him my wife would check my sheets and clothes hamper.:doh:

[BossMark]

Thames Valley Police are on a recruitment drive to find more women Police Officers.

Apparently, the reason there are so few women is that they can't grasp the concept of 'the right to remain silent'.

[BossMark]

I was told by my wife that my ice-bucket challenge was inappropriate because of my nomination.

But sod it, I'm still nominating Scarlett Johanssen in a thin white t-shirt and no bra.

[Jimbuna]

I asked my wife the other day, "What do you want for Valentines?"

She replied, "I want a divorce."

I wasn't expecting to spend that much!

[BossMark]

I won't be surprised if the Department for Work and Pensions is named as the biggest terrorist funder this year...

[Jimbuna]

I'm convinced I'm a letter. My psychiatrist doesn't know what to do anymore, so is there anyone out there that can help?

Keep me posted.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend gets so emotional over stupid things. We were in Paris the other day and when I bent down to tie my shoe she burst out crying.

[Jimbuna]

I see that Ryanair is hiring 82 new mechanics.

Which should bring the total to 83.

[Eichhörnchen]

Letter to Kitchen & Home Magazine: "I watched Nigella suck marmalade off a spoon on TV the other day and I *ame in my pants. The following morning I watched my wife do the same and it left me feeling faintly nauseous. Tell me, do you think we are buying the wrong kind of marmalade?" :hmmm:

[BossMark]

The wife has just nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

[Jimbuna]

The bloke who invented the time machine has died.

RIP Dave Jones. 1974 - 1746.

[BossMark]

So they're flying the British Ebola patient back to the UK?

Clearly these people have never seen a zombie film...

[Jimbuna]

Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company."
Guy 2: "What did he say?"
Guy 1: "Leave the company."

[Eichhörnchen]

I wouldn't say my mother-in-law is ugly, but she looked out of the car window the other day and got arrested for mooning... :)

[BossMark]

Paddy climbs up to the top board of the swimming baths with a large fish under his arm. Murphy shouts up, "what you going to do with that?"

Paddy replies, "triple somersault with pike."

[Jimbuna]

Has anyone else worked out yet, that all you need to do to halt the global spread of Islamic terrorism, is simply to stop the sale of Toyota pickup vans?

[Jimbuna]

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me.

I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way.

[BossMark]

I love my new job as a carpenter on a building site. And the boss is really easy going.
Not like my last boss.
He sacked me for making something just two mil out.
I didn't really want to be a bloody ccountant anyway.

[Jimbuna]

Shortly after a Malaysia Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from Kuala Lumpur to Heathrow. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers."
One passenger yelled:
"For Pete's sake mate you should see the back of mine."

[BossMark]

The Ice Bucket challenge is very much like the Police Academy movie series.

It gets even less funny every time you see a new one.

[BossMark]

The NHS have rejected a drug to treat diarrhea as they believe it is weak and ineffective.
There's said to be no solid evidence to suggest it works.

[Jimbuna]

Scientists have discovered the reason all arguments start.

It's because a woman wants an argument.

[BossMark]

I've been the proud head of the Ladder Appreciation Society for years, but I've finally had enough.

I'm stepping down.

[Jimbuna]

A woman walks into a chemist to enquire about Viagra.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asks the man at the till.

"If I take two, I can," he replies.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend tells me I've got trust issues.

Well she didn't exactly tell me that, I read it in her diary.

[Jimbuna]

Because women like to discuss their problems,
I thought I'd stand a better chance with online dating, if I pointed out I knew a little bit about therapy.
I'm now starting to realise I might have created a misunderstanding with the username "therapistdave"!

[donna52522]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough.

[donna52522]

How many knees do men have? They have three; right knee, left knee, and wee-knee.

[donna52522]

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: "Occupation?"
The German replies: "No, just a holiday."

[BossMark]

My wife says I never learn from my mistakes.

Come to think of it,so did most of my other eight wives.

[donna52522]

What is Minecraft?
Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting.

[Jimbuna]

What do you use to redecorate a baby’s bathroom? Infantile.

[BossMark]

I walked into the vet's and said, "I need some help, I've torn a hamstring."

The vet said, "It's a doctor you need."

"No it isn't," I replied, placing my hamster on the table.

[magic452]

My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where​ I am now...

Magic

[BossMark]

Millions of pounds have been spent on campaigning by both sides in the Scottish independence referendum, but the fact is, the result will be determined by whether or not Braveheart is on telly the night before the vote.

[Jimbuna]

My son was feeling down, after yet another failed job interview.

"Look son, think of yourself as Van Gogh." I comforted. "Everybody told him he could never be an artist because he only had one ear. But do you know what he said to that?"

"What?"


"That's right."

[Jimbuna]

Scientists have finally discovered why the World didn't end last December.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had nothing to ride on thanks to the UK's Beef Industry.

[BossMark]

Those Jehovah's who fled into hiding with their sick child will know now how the rest of us feel.

Dreading that knock on the door...

[Jimbuna]

Sunday morning and I love lying in bed.

Telling the wife I love her for example.

[BossMark]

There was no toilet paper in the bathroom but my wife had left her copy of the Daily Mail in there.

I couldn't use it though, it was already full of crap.

[Jimbuna]

I had to make an insurance claim after a woman reversed into my car.
When the insurance company phoned and asked how it happened, I told them she couldn't see because her parcel shelf was covered in ****ing toys.

[BossMark]

I remember I used to have Multiple Personality Disorder...

But I was a completely different person back then.

[Jimbuna]

I've been feeling quite ill recently, so I decided to go to the doctors,

Dr placebo gave me some magic dust so I will feel better soon.

[Wolferz]

An Obstetrician was preparing to retire after 40 years of delivering babies.
As he was packing up his office he came upon his big jar filled with formaldehyde and all the foreskins of every male child he had delivered into the world. He didn't know what to do with it and after some thought he decided to take it to a taxidermist and told the man; "Surprise me"
He returned to the shop a month later and the taxidermist handed him a little wallet. The doctor became angry exclaiming "THIS is what you got from all those skins!?
The Taxidermist says, "Calm down sir. Just rub it a few times and it turns into a steamer trunk."

[Jimbuna]

There was a fancy dress party in my local pub last night.

I ended up playing pool with a guy who was dressed as an owl. When taking his shot his wing rubbed against one of the balls so I said ; "Two hits"

He replied "Two hits to who?"

[BossMark]

Reports suggest that critically ill Joan Rivers is about to meet her maker..

Dr.Frankenstein.

[Jimbuna]

Walking the wife home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town.
As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a filthy tramp eating someone's discarded takeaway from a bin.

"Look at that poor bugger, I'm glad I'm not him."


He probably thought.

[GoldenRivet]

A man goes to a bar and sits down and orders a drink after a while he's had several and sitting before him is his seventh beer, but he has to piss too badly to finish it up, it's about half full and he doesn't want the rowdy boys at the bar drinking it while he goes to The bathroom so he Scribbles down on a sticky note a sign which reads "don't drink this beer... I've spit in it."

A few minutes later the man returns to his beer to see a second note which reads "so did we"

---

a man says to his wife that he is worried about his son and what type of man he will grow up to be so the two devise a plan, they will place a gold coin, a bible, a playboy magazine and a bottle of rum on the boy's study desk in his bedroom and hide in the closet to observe him when he arrives from school.

If he picks up the coin, he will covet money above all things the father says

If he picks up the bible he will be a man who trusts in The Lord in tense situations

if he picks up the playboy magazine he will be a philanderer and chase loose women

if he picks up the rum he will drink to excess

with the items placed on the desk the father and mother hide in the closet and in walks the boy

he grabs the coin and sticks it in his pocket, he grabs the bible and tucks it under his arm, he grabs the bottle of rum and sips it while eagerly sifting through the pages of the playboy magazine

The father says "Its worse than i expected dear...

... he's going to be an airplane pilot"

[BossMark]

I see Ryanair is now charging £10 for a blanket and pillow.

Well, at least you can get a good solid 8 hours sleep while you're waiting on the runway.

[magic452]

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.


USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more
than 8 characters

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1
numerical character

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank
spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least
one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more
than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss
IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain
punctuation.

USER:
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA ss
IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Magic

[Jimbuna]

I found it incredibly easy to break into Mr Kipling's factory and steal some stock last night.

It was a piece of cake.

[BossMark]

Erik Weihenmayer, the first blind man to reach the summit of Mount Everest has said the hardest part of his climb was the last two hundred metres.


"Dragging a frozen Labrador is a bloody nightmare."

[Jimbuna]

Used chewing gum for sale..

Almost mint.

[BossMark]

A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

[Jimbuna]

Tony Blair has won Philanthropist of the Year at the GQ Awards, seeing off tough competition from Kim Jong Un, and ISIS.

[BossMark]

Apparently a Saudi Arabian beauty pageant was closed down by security services last week.

They said that some of the contestants were showing far too much eye.

[BossMark]

So Serena and Venus Williams have come out and admitted they are considering sex changes.

I'm not one to judge, if they want to live as women, let them.

[Jimbuna]

I said to my blind date,"I actually take a plane to work and back every single day."

"Wow,you must be wealthy." She said.

"Everything but," I replied,"I'm just a carpenter."

[BossMark]

If you're on motorway and the women driving a car in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining it can only mean one thing...

she will be changing lanes.

[donna52522]

Reports suggest that critically ill Joan Rivers is about to meet her maker..

Dr.Frankenstein.


She has gone to meet her maker.

[Armistead]

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

[Armistead]

"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We were married this morning."

"Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?"

"No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

[DJ Kelley]

No way I can read all these, so sorry if this is a repeat.

An old couple is sitting in a church, and the Old Lady lets a fart. She is kind of confused at first, so she leans over too her husband and say's I just let a silent fart, what do I do?

The husband leans over and replies, change the battery in your hearing aid.:haha:

[DJ Kelley]

Now for the 1 my wife just couldn't get.

2 men walk into a bar. The third man ducked.

Get it?

[Sailor Steve]

Yes, we get it. Why would you ask?

[Armistead]

Yes, we get it. Why would you ask?


I didn't....

[Sailor Steve]

I didn't....
If you have to explain it... :O:

[BossMark]

A woman on Jeremy Kyle today admitted to being jealous of her neighbour's garden.

The burned out car on their front lawn once had a 2 litre engine.

[Jimbuna]

I've had an absolutely terrible day....
Not only would the toilet not flush, I've also been banned from Ikea.

[BossMark]

I kicked a football through my neighbour's window today.

It was worse than I initially thought, it was broken on both sides.

[BossMark]

Parents arrested and jailed for taking son from hospital to try to save his life
parents leave child in appartment ' go out for a meal ' child disappears for years sod all happens

[Jimbuna]

I married a girl who said that she didn't believe in sex before marriage.

In hindsight, I should have made sure that she believed in sex after marriage.

[BossMark]

I was livid when my 9-year-old told me his teacher says I'm a bad parent.

"Right" I said. "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with him."

[Jimbuna]

"What are you crying for son?" I asked.

"It's school, I hate it!" he said. "All those lessons and then they give you tests to see what you've learnt."

"That's nothing son, you just wait til you're married!" I said. "All those tests and you've not a clue what lessons you're supposed to learn."

[Eichhörnchen]

A man, newly arrived in the Gulag, stood looking dazed and confused. Another inmate came up, gently took his arm and asked: "What are you in for, friend?"

"I don't know", answered the man, "I don't understand it. I've done nothing, NOTHING, and they've given me twenty years!"

"Why that's terrible!" said the inmate,"Twenty years? TWENTY YEARS? That's just terrible: for doing nothing you're supposed to get just TEN years!"

[BossMark]

US President Barack Obama decided to visit one of Britain's oldest and most expensive relics while he was attending the NATO summit

Mr President said " I always try to make time to see the Queen when I am here"

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the nun who never bathed?

She had a nasty habit.

[Eichhörnchen]

Q: Why do Soviet policemen go around in pairs?

A: There needs to be one who can write, and another to keep an eye on this dangerous intellectual.

[BossMark]

"I'm having a few drinks to remember my Irish mate who died yesterday," I told the barman. "He wanted to reduce his carbon footprint, so he decided he was going to cycle to work."

"What happened?" He asked. "Did he get knocked off his bike?"

"No. He drowned." I explained. "Paddy worked on an offshore oil rig."

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron has said that if any more illegal immigrants manage to get into Britain, he'll deport them to a foreign country. 'Preferably Scotland' he said.

[BossMark]

When asked for their opinion of the Scottish referendum for independence from England, a remarkable 73% of the English people polled said they couldn't give a flying toss whilst 83% of the Americans thought Scotland was in Canada

[Jimbuna]

The Scots are taking this independence thing a bit too far. They won't even come to the World Cup with us!

[Sailor Steve]

whilst 83% of the Americans thought Scotland was in Canada
I find that highly offensive.

Of course the truth usually is. :dead:

[Eichhörnchen]

Maybe they're thinking of Nova Scotia?

[Sailor Steve]

Can't you even read? That's obviously in Spain!

[BossMark]

A girl I know posted on Facebook; "My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!"

I replied, "I think crucifixion's a bit harsh."

[Eichhörnchen]

A man is thrown into jail in a Wild West town. He becomes gradually aware of a strange figure in the far corner of his cell: a fellow dressed in brown paper hat, brown paper shirt and neckerchief, brown paper waistcoat, also brown paper trousers and chaps.

"Whad're you in for, Pardner?" he asks.

"Rustling"

[Jimbuna]

Are you a lawyer?
Yes.
How much do you charge?
A hundred dollars for four questions.
Isn't that awfully expensive?
Yes. What's your fourth question?

[BossMark]

Monday morning -"Kate and Wills announce second child."

Monday afternoon -"Pippa Middleton launches 'how to be an aunt' book.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently a Holy Man in India has survived 43 years without food or water.

This was a record previously set by Ryanair passengers on a flight to Alicante.

[BossMark]

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house...

So I divorced her and took the house.

[BossMark]

A Canadian teenager has been sentenced to 300 hours of community service for kicking Justin Bieber in the bollocks.

I thought that WAS community service ...

[Jimbuna]

BBC News : Luton Airport evacuated as 'suspect package' found.

A Police spokesman stated the small leather bound item turned out to be a British passport.

[BossMark]

I see that Poundland are going to start selling Pregnancy Tests.

For gods sake!

If you have to buy your Pregnancy Test from Poundland, it's probably because you bought your condoms there as well.

[Jimbuna]

I don't mean to brag but I just finished a 14 day diet in 2 hours and 14 minutes.

[Eichhörnchen]

Q: What do you call a Spanish lady with one tooth?

A: One Eater

[BossMark]

This bloke's been arrested for using his prosthetic leg to smuggle cocaine into Pentonville Prison.

He admitted that the toughest part of the operation was getting the leg stuffed into his rectum.

[Eichhörnchen]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery and says: "Doctor, I think I'm a moth"

"Well you really ought to be seeing a psychiatrist, not me," said the doctor.

"I know, but your light was on".

[BossMark]

I was reading that your favourite Royal tells a lot about who you are.

For example, if your favourite is the Queen, then you're respectful and distinguished.

If it's Prince Harry you're fun-loving and a bit naughty.

If it's Prince Charles ... then you're Prince Charles.

[Jimbuna]

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday.

[BossMark]

I was thinking about taking my family on an all inclusive VIP trip around the world.
Or buying the new iPhone 6.

[Jimbuna]

If Scotland gains independence, they will face a later date of availability for the iPhone 6.

It's thought the Scots won't be able to steal one until November.

[Eichhörnchen]

"Waiter! This fish is rubbery!"

"Why thank you, sir: I'll give your compriments to the chef...

[Jimbuna]

^ The old uns are still the best :)

[BossMark]

Just got the iPhone out and asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?"
Siri replied, "it is, and don't call me Shirley." I had forgotten to take my iPhone off Airplane mode.

[Eichhörnchen]

Q: Where does General Custer keep his armies?

A: Up his sleevies

[Jimbuna]

After several karate lessons, I can now break a five-inch board with my cast.

[BossMark]

How to fall downstairs.
Step 1
Step 6
Step 8,9,10,11

[Jimbuna]

Just spent three hours in A & E.

I fell off the roof at IKEA and got my legs wedged in the sign.

[BossMark]

40 years ago, Rupert Murdoch said "Topless Women sell newspapers."

Now, I've been in loads of sweet shops before and it's usually an old Asian bloke.

[Jimbuna]

I had a little chuckle to myself when I found my young son using my razor.

My wife was fuming. It was only after he'd shaved off one of her eyebrows that she woke up.

[BossMark]

Thanks to Pistorious, all the South African Public bathroom doors have had the "Vacant / Engaged" signs changed to "Shoot / Don't Shoot"

[Jimbuna]

The Inventor of the jug died today. Tributes have been pouring in.

[BossMark]

I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.

[Jimbuna]

The history teacher points to Little Johnny and says, "What can you tell me about Adolf Hitler?"

Little Johnny replies, "He had a more famous brother called Heil, miss."

[Eichhörnchen]

Thanks to Pistorious, all the South African Public bathroom doors have had the "Vacant / Engaged" signs changed to "Shoot / Don't Shoot"

:har::rotfl2:

[BossMark]

I'm directing a cowboy film called The Sun.

It's set in the west.

[Jimbuna]

I was in Edinburgh today, and saw a woman wearing a T-shirt that said, "Yes".

Long story short, I'm up on a rape charge tomorrow.

[BossMark]

I've just started dating a girl called Peg

I met her online

[Eichhörnchen]

"Doctor, Doctor, people keep ignoring me..."

"NEXT!"

[donna52522]

So someone stole my debit card information and tried to buy weight loss pills with it, seriously?!

[BossMark]

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible.

But if you do that with your girlfriend, it's called "cheating."

[Jimbuna]

In a YouGov survey of why people who do YouGov surveys...

5% do it because they like their opinions heard.
10% do it because they believe it may influence politics.
85% do it because they want the 50 quid for completing the surveys and click on any box to get through it before they lose the will to live.

[BossMark]

A working class man had been going out with an upper class girl for over a month until one weekend he was invited over for dinner at her parents' country mansion. Trying his best not to be intimidated by the sheer size of the house, not to mention the maids and butlers, he engaged in polite pre-dinner small talk and was relieved when everyone laughed at his jokes. They then sat down for a seven-course meal, which he was determined to get through without embarrassing himself by picking up the wrong item of cutlery.
Everything was going smoothly until, about halfway through the meal, the combination of various rich foods made him need to fart. He desperately tried to hold it in, but with four more courses to go, he realised it would be impossible. So he asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and asked for directions as to how to get there. Unfortunately, the directions he received were so complicated that he couldn't follow them properly, and by then he was busting for a fart, so he decided to set off in search of the bathroom and hope for the best.
After roaming the corridors, hopelessly lost, for a couple of minutes, he could hold it in no longer. Spotting a window in the hallway, he rushed over, opened the window, stuck his arse through it and let rip a long, loud, wet fart. Hugely relieved, he then managed to find his way back to the dinner table where everyone was eating in silence.
Turning to his girlfriend, he whispered: "It's all going rather well, isn't it?"
"It was," she replied icily, "until you farted through the serving hatch!"

[Jimbuna]

Maths was always my weakest subject.

The last time I had an exam, I only managed 137 percent.

[Jimbuna]

Chinese takeway : £ 24.85 , petrol to pick it up : £ 1.22 . Getting home to find they have forgotten one of your containers , RICELESS !

[BossMark]

A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign"

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"

[BossMark]

Sadly,the man who invented the raffle has passed away.

R.I.P Tom Bola.

[Eichhörnchen]

Harr-harr! Didn't he have a nasty brother named E. Bola??

[BossMark]

A few weeks after having an operation, I saw my doctor about my convalescence.
"What have you been doing?" he asked.
"Just sitting around all day, drinking tea, surfing the internet, texting my mates," I said.
He got angry and said, "I told you not to return to your job at the council offices for at least two months."

[Eichhörnchen]

While out walking I was astonished to hear a dog, tied up in a nearby garden, call to me: "Oi! Over here! Come over here!"

I raced to the fence and listened, unbelieving, as this dog went on to tell me his name and how he'd worked in a circus for many years before a soldier bought him and took him to be trained as an explosives sniffer-dog, following which he went with the Army to the Gulf and Somalia, where he helped to save many lives. He was then awarded the Queen's Gallantry Medal and retired on a generous pension.

I ran and knocked at the door of the house to be answered by a small untidy man who looked at me quizzically.

"Your dog!" I gasped: "He just SPOKE to me! I simply couldn't believe my ears" I said...

"Don't", he said :"He's a bl..dy liar!"

[BossMark]

There are two types of people in this world:

1)Morning people
2)People that want to shoot morning people

[Jimbuna]

The only thing that would get me to watch Big Brother is if Jigsaw had built the house.

[BossMark]

I was asked today if I had ever paid for sex. I replied "only emotionally".

[BossMark]

Me and my mates were busy robbing this CD store when the cops turned up.

Dave grabbed all the pop CD's and ran off.
Steve grabbed the rock CD's and also ran off.
Dan grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.
I was forced to take the rap.

[Jimbuna]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap!"

[Jimbuna]

How many Scots does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. From Thursday they will be back to candles.

[BossMark]

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokes man said, 'for years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoover'

[Jimbuna]

The result of the referendum last night didn't surprise me.

What did surprise me was how those opposed to independence managed to persuade so many young Glaswegian women to say 'no' for once.

[Jimbuna]

An Irishman and Two British men walk into a bar...

[Peter Cremer]

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokes man said, 'for years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoover'

Women have denied men entrance for far longer than that:nope:

[BossMark]

The 18th of September 2014 has been heralded as a unique day in Scotland's history.

The vast majority of the population not only got up in the morning, but actually left the house to go somewhere other than the pub.

[magic452]

I went fishing this morning, but after awhile I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in it's mouth.

Frogs are good bait for bass.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in it's mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog from it's mouth and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was to release the snake without getting bit. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey into it's mouth. It's eyes rolled back and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and went on fishing, using the frog for bait.

Not long after, I felt a nudge at my foot. It was that damn snake...with two more frogs!

Life is good! Magic

[Jimbuna]

I said to my wife, "By the end of today, we'll finally be in the black."

"Why, have we got enough money to pay off the overdraft?" she asked.

"No," I said, "we don't have enough money to pay the electric bill."

[BossMark]

My American wife told me to get our son ready for his first day at school.

So I bought him a gun.

[magic452]

At a long stoplight yesterday, I was minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a 'Remember 9-11' slogan spray painted on the side stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Magic

[BossMark]

My teenage daughter was getting distraught about her breasts not developing.

"It's nothing to worry about, your mother's breasts are tiny," I said to her.

"Yes," she replied. "But look what she ended up with."

[Jimbuna]

Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it.

Budget deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.

[BossMark]

My mate got married yesterday. I asked him what he wanted as a present and he said 'any Apple product would be great'. So I bought him a couple of tins of cider

[Jimbuna]

When I was diagnosed with Bi-polar schizophrenia, I was totally beside myself!...

[BossMark]

"You seem a bit depressed today Dave," I said to the barman in our local.
"I suppose I am," he admitted. "I always thought I'd have a career working with people who have special needs."
"It's not too late," I reassured him.
"You think?" He brightened.
"Definitely," I replied. "Wetherspoons in the high street are always advertising for bar staff."

[Jimbuna]

My wife started crying about her weight as she stood on the scale this morning.

"Chin up," I said, "I know how it feels."

"Awww," she beamed, "I know you will support me."

I said, "I was talking to the scale."

[BossMark]

I really miss not being able to slam the phone down on people.
Violently pressing the "End Call" button just doesn't quite have the same effect.

[Jimbuna]

They say there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays.

I know for a fact it's not the girl who lives opposite me.

She just sits in her bedroom most of the time watching TV and playing with her phone.

[BossMark]

In divorce women have all the rights and men have all the lefts...

Left homeless.
Left penniless.
Left childless.
Left for another man.

[Jimbuna]

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture".

"Oh John!" she sighed "I thought you had a real one this time."

[BossMark]

To get some relaxing time by myself before the summer ends, I gave my family a vacation.

I sent my grand parents to Switzerland,

sent my daughter to a summer camp in Portugal,

and my wife is just boarding a Malaysian flight to China.

[BossMark]

Signed up for an assertiveness course.
First week the teacher never turned up.
Second week the teacher never turned up.
Third week no teacher again so I went to the office to complain.
They said, "Congratulations you've passed.".

[magic452]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,
'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!'

Magic

[BossMark]

A U.S. astronaut, who's currently at the International Space Station, became a father when his wife gave birth to a baby boy yesterday.

Apparently the astronaut was sobbing, "I can't wait to get home ... especially because I've been gone for 11 bloody months."

[Jimbuna]

My wife said I was highly intelligent because I didn't understand sarcasm.

What a lovely compliment.

[BossMark]

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it's him !

[BossMark]

Leonardo DiCaprio made an impressive speech at the UN about the dangers of climate change.

He was a bit late though, as his private jet had to be refuelled.

[Eichhörnchen]

I just made this one up exclusively for Subsim:

Q: What is the fastest sea creature on two wheels?

A: A fish called Honda

[BossMark]

Couldn't give a bugga about the Ryder Cup to be honest.

Anything that involves a man using an iron isn't natural....

[Jimbuna]

My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion.

I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket.

[BossMark]

India has launched its first satellite to Mars at a tenth of the cost of America's Mariner 8.

'Corner Shop Surveyor' should reach Mars by 2017.

[Eichhörnchen]

My wife has always watched what she eats: she stares at every forkfull before she scoffs it down

[Jimbuna]

I've got a nice 4 day week next week. My boss just said, "If you don't come in for overtime tomorrow, don't bother coming in on Monday."

Cheers boss, see you next Tuesday.

[BossMark]

What's the quickest way to turn an apple into a banana?

Leave it in your back pocket when you sit down.

[Jimbuna]

I ran over a hedgehog this morning.

Rings went flying everywhere.

[BossMark]

The first female air force pilot in the United Arab Emirates is to lead airstrikes against ISIS militants in Syria...

...as soon as she can get the plane out of reverse.

[BossMark]

A Post Office employee in Bournemouth is retiring after 41 years without using any of her sick days.

Friends describe her as "dedicated".

Co-workers remember her as, "That cow who kept giving me the flu."

[Jimbuna]

That FIFA 15 is so realistic.

I even had to bribe the shop assistant to sell me a copy.

[Armistead]

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.

[Jimbuna]

A new report says that women spend an average of 335 hours a year getting ready ...

According to a really angry researcher waiting outside in the car.

[BossMark]

Whenever I get a new girlfriend I always buy her a massive box of chocolates on our first date. Then I secretly time how long it takes her to scoff them. I told myself that if I could find a girl who could make the box last more than 24 hours, I'd marry her.

That was 38 years ago, and I'm still single.

[Jimbuna]

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.

Medics say he needed a second coat.

[BossMark]

A builder has found 22,000 Roman coins estimated to be worth around £100, 000.

Although the builder reckons it might be closer to £150,000.

[Jimbuna]

When we were on holiday in Africa my wife and I decided to go on a safari.
After a few minutes a lion jumped out of the trees onto my wife.
' Quick,shoot him, ' she cried.
' Okay, ' I replied getting the camera out of the case.

[Jimbuna]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir?

He asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd crapped in my pants!"

He got the job.

[BossMark]

I went for an interview at IKEA today and when I walked into the bosses office he said, "Please have a seat."

It took me nearly 6 hours, but I finally managed to put the seat together and sit down for the interview.

[Jimbuna]

My daughter has gone for a job interview at the local dentists. Its for taking molds of peoples teeth

I hope she makes a good impression.

[BossMark]

A heavily muscled skinhead just saw me chatting up his girlfriend and has now told me to go outside so we can have words.

I can't believe my luck- words definitely aren't his strong point.

[Jimbuna]

Just come back from an 18-30 holiday in Ibeza.
It was full of old pedple who were in bed by half past six!

[BossMark]

As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.

"What's wrong with Toby daddy?" My daughter asked.

"It's an animal sixth sense," I explained. "They can detect the presence of evil."

"Is the house haunted?" She shivered.

"No," I replied, before turning to my wife. "Love! I think your mother's here already."

[Jimbuna]

Armed robbery on a bank.

It can provide a life of luxury and relaxation, never having to worry about money, food, bills or amenities again.

And that's just if you get caught.

[BossMark]

When I discovered that my football team's star player was sleeping with my wife I was distraught.

There's no way he can keep playing if his eyesight's that bad.

[magic452]

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.
The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.
A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

Magic

[BossMark]

"You haven't seen 'Shawshank Redemption'? Where have you been for the last twenty years?" I asked the new guy at work.

"In prison," he said.

[Jimbuna]

Finally, George Clooney got married this weekend in Venice ...

Breaking the hearts of ugly, fat, delusional women all over the world.

[BossMark]

After learning that I'd won the lottery, my brother came running to me saying that he didn't have a pot to piss in and could I help him.

£2.99 later he now has a pot.

[BossMark]

A traffic warden has been given a 13 year sentence at Birmingham Crown Court for raping a 71 year old woman in her own home.
The police said he might have got away with it if he hadn't ticketed her car on the way out.

[Jimbuna]

My father was really keen on all the outdoor pursuits like hunting and fishing so I'll always remember the last words he said to me before he died.

"Be careful where you're pointing that gun".

[BossMark]

The wife said, "If you had to buy one thing to sum up the way you feel about me Dave what would it be?

Judging by the look on her face, I don't think 'Vanish' was an appropriate answer.

[BossMark]

A foreign bloke asked me "What are those really annoying black and yellow creatures that sting people?"

I replied "They're called Traffic Wardens. "

[Herr-Berbunch]

I have a racing snail, I removed the shell to make it lighter and more streamlined but alas it just became more sluggish.

[Jimbuna]

"I have proof you've been having an affair and if you don't promise to do everything I say from now on I'm taking everything!" my wife stormed at me

"Everything you say?" I asked

"Yes everything, no matter what!"

"Yes dear" I said as I reached out to put a hand on her chest

"What do you think you are doing?!" she raged

"Just feeling your heart beat"

"Well you can stop that right now!"

"Yes dear" I said as I reached for a knife.

[BossMark]

"I don't know why everyone is banging on about this new trailer for Taken 3" said my Scottish mate the other day

"I played it years ago on the original Playstation"

[Jimbuna]

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

"Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.

[BossMark]

My sister-in-law walks the streets and makes it hard for men in cars.
She's a traffic warden.

[Jimbuna]

Many scientists agree the only way to solve the planet's worsening energy crisis is for the whole world to convert to solar power.


That's not going to happen overnight.

[BossMark]

Prince William has told Paparazzi to stop trying to take photographs of Prince George, and has threatened court action.

William is quoted as saying, "My son must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible ...

Now get away from our castle ..."

[Jimbuna]

Tekken:

A kidnap thriller starring Liam Neeson, set in Newcastle.

[BossMark]

I had to go and identify my wife's body.

"I'm honestly not sure," I said when they pulled back the sheet. "It might help if you shoved a piece of cake in her mouth."

[Jimbuna]

I just saw Audley Harrison down at the local off licence and he ordered two bottles of rum, a bottle of brandy, three bottles of Martini, a bottle of whisky and some fruit juice.

I think he was trying to learn how to make a punch.

[BossMark]

Satan walked into a packed bar and shouted,

"I'm pissed off with hearing all about Jesus turning water into wine so I'm going to be a badass and turn it all the alcohol into water."

There was a blinding flash and all at once the alcohol had been turned into water.


"Cheers Satan, " a voice piped up, "I was drinking Fosters, but this is much stronger."

[Jimbuna]

My son was feeling down, after yet another failed job interview.

"Look son, think of yourself as Van Gogh." I comforted. "Everybody told him he could never be an artist because he only had one ear. But do you know what he said to that?"

"What?"


"That's right."

[BossMark]

I've just posted an abusive comment about the McCanns on my wife's Twitter profile.

Now I wait.