The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

You can lead a horse to water but it's pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

[BossMark]

Two blokes in a pub in Scotland,

"I see we're out of Europe then, " said the first.

"Europe? " replied the second, "how the hell did we manage that? we couldn't even get out of Britain. "

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?". To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy, pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."

[BossMark]

I think I should make more effort to keep my kitchen tidy.


By the time I found the salt, the slug had buggered off.

[BossMark]

The film "The Martian" is expected to do quite well in China.

Not only is Mars red, it has the same oxygen level as Beijing.

[Jimbuna]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[BossMark]

My sister was reading out my parents will when she said, "Do you want to hear something funny?"

"Go on," I replied.

"Mum and Dad's house."

"I don't get it," I said confused.

"I know," She laughed. "I do.... Funny isn't it."

[Jimbuna]

A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?'
The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.'
The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.'
This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!'
The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?'
The man answers: 'No.'
Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'

[BossMark]

I've just been offered a promotion of taking the Daily Mail for 12 weeks for just £1 per week.

It's very tempting, but I think I'll stick to Andrex than you.

[BossMark]

I asked my little boy if he wanted me to buy car insurance with Confused.com to get him a Brian toy or buy my car insurance from Compare the Market.com to get him a meerkat toy.

He told me to drive without any bloody insurance to get him a PlayStation 4.

[Jimbuna]

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[BossMark]

It has been made known that Facebook have only paid just over £4,000 in taxes in the UK this year.

A spokesman for Facebook has said, "This has been reported, and we have asked for the post to be removed. "

[Nippelspanner]

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.
Would be funny if true and the complete story.
I wish this "urban legend" would finally die instead of re-appearing over and over again like a cockroach.

A common urban legend (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urban_legend) states that, faced with the fact that ball-point pens would not write in zero-gravity, NASA spent a large amount of money to develop a pen that would write in the conditions experienced during spaceflight (the result purportedly being the Fisher Space Pen (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Pen)), while the Soviet Union took the simpler and cheaper route of just using pencils. The Fisher Space Pen was actually developed independently and privately in the 1960s, NASA later purchasing 400 of the pens at $6 each.[1] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Writing_in_space#cite_note-1) The Soviets followed as well.[2] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Writing_in_space#cite_note-2)

[Jimbuna]

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

[BossMark]

The Germans are embroiled in another scandal as they plan to change the alphabet to be ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUXYZ

It's a VW omissions scandal.

[Jimbuna]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead and the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing does'nt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

[Jimbuna]

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[BossMark]

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

[Jimbuna]

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."

[BossMark]

An Englishman walks into a bar.

Usually there's a Scotsman, Welshman & an Irishman in this gag too but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

[BossMark]

Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.

[Jimbuna]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[BossMark]

UK. Disabled means, mental or physical health problem.

USA. Disabled means, the police have taken my gun away.

[Jimbuna]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[BossMark]

A man put his charity bucket in my face.

He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course I do."

I said, "Get the hell out my way, then, I want to buy my lunch."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius to be moved from prison to house arrest.

He shouldn't be able to get into too much trouble there.

[Jimbuna]

I am out watching the Birmingham International Half Marathon.
Locals say that they haven't seen people move this fast around here since Greggs did a half price sale.

[BossMark]

The knight approached the king and said, "Sire, we have spent the past two weeks destroying and pillaging the towns of your enemies to the West."
"What?" said the king, concerned. "I don't have any enemies in the West."
"Oh," said the knight. "Well, you do now."

[BossMark]

What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Getting away with murder.

[BossMark]

After coming home from work early yesterday, I saw a brand new pair of men's trainers at the bottom of the stairs. I quietly crept back out of the house in total disbelief.

The wife did listen when I told her what I wanted for my birthday.

[Jimbuna]

It has been announced that , while on a state visit to Britain from 20th-23rd October ,the President of China will stay overnight at Buckingham Palace.

It has also been announced , that Prince Philip will not.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

[Jimbuna]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

[BossMark]

On hearing that Newcastle United's tea lady Kath Cassidy was retiring after 52 years of service, I decided to calculate how many cups she would have seen in that time.

None.

[Jimbuna]

MIRROR NEWS: Britain to expect 36 days of snow over the Christmas period....

Although the Tories will probably cut that to 18 days.

[BossMark]

I've got the license to kill.

I've been granted American citizenship.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Sailor Steve]

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

[BossMark]

I went on a first date with a girl from Essex last night.

"Listen, I'm not going to be a one night stand and another notch on your bedpost, I'm looking for a relationship. If that's all your after then you might as well go now."

"Fair enough," she said.

[Jimbuna]

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
Brief pause.
Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up.
Ok daddy just a min.
A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
I did it daddy.
And what happened honey?
Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle Paul?
He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think hes dead!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number.

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius will be celebrating his release to home arrest by getting legless and doing some shots in the bathroom.

[Jimbuna]

I have a claim to fame you know...

I used to be the world's youngest person.

[BossMark]

My ugly neighbour just walked past as I was trying to put out the fire I'd accidentally started in my wheelie bin...

She said, "Bonfire night isn't for another two weeks."

"Neither is Halloween," I replied.

That shut her up.

[GoldenRivet]

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
Brief pause.
Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up.
Ok daddy just a min.
A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
I did it daddy.
And what happened honey?
Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle Paul?
He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think hes dead!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number.

Im stealing that one! :haha:

[Jimbuna]

Im stealing that one! :haha:

No problem John, just don't go ringing home any time soon :)

[BossMark]

I met my new girlfriend while on a lads holiday in Ibiza.

Which was really awkward, as I'd told her I was going to visit my parents.

[Jimbuna]

Im stealing that one! :haha:

FB CLASSIC :)

[BossMark]

I was walking down a country lane when this bloke dressed as a highway man pointed a gun at me and demanded I sign some papers and give him my bank details. Well I was terrified, so I did as I was told.

Still on the plus side, at least I have Sky TV for twelve months.

[BossMark]

I tried to hide it from the lads in the pub that my wife had taken the kids and left, but they knew as soon as I walked in...

My shirt wasn't ironed.

[Jimbuna]

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need .. a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck."
Joe was suprised, "that's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years"
Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said "sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E."
Joe said astonished, "that's right, how did you know?"
"Been in business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[BossMark]

Tony and Jane go to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asks, "So, you two are married, correct?"

"Correct," they reply.

"And you are having regular sex?" asks the counsellor.

"Absolutely," they reply.

"So," laughs the counsellor, "what is the problem?"

"Well, our partners don't really approve."

[Jimbuna]

Follow this recipe to make a cheap, but surprisingly tender, pigeon pie.
First, get some breadcrumbs and a rolling pin.

Then, take the breadcrumbs and rolling pin to the park...

[BossMark]

A man goes into a library and asks the librarian where she keeps the books on conspiracy theories.

"They're right behind you," she says.

[Jimbuna]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. "
The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we're not having any of that crap in Texas."

[BossMark]

"Can you help me Doctor?" I asked, "I seem to have lost my sense of direction"

"So it would appear" replied the butcher

[AVGWarhawk]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ram 3500 Longhorn Longbed Dually 4X4 with a Cummins 6.7 turbo diesel engine special ordered with 4.10 rear end and exhaust brake. It has a custom matching cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and floor mats. Six cup holders, Bluetooth, navigation, XM and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins and custom mud flaps. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[Jimbuna]

^ LOL :har:

[BossMark]

Sky News: One of the strongest storms ever is heading for Mexico.

Isn't that where everyone goes until things blow over?

[BossMark]

Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading;
"& Emergency".
She claimed she found it by Accident...

[Jimbuna]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces,

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

[BossMark]

They say you should dance like no one is watching.

But everyone was very rude to me at my mother in law's funeral.

[BossMark]

I went by the house where I grew up today and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face.

My parents can be so bloody rude.

[Jimbuna]

Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it's your leg.

[BossMark]

A biscuit that survived the sinking of the Titanic in 1912 was sold for £15,000 yesterday.
I wonder if British Rail are going to auction a few of their pork pies in response.

[BossMark]

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

[Jimbuna]

A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyser test. The man blows a 0.0.

"This thing must be broken," the cop says.

The man responds, "Nope, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

[BossMark]

My wife said to me, "What shall we do today?"

I said, "I'm doing sod all, it's Sunday."

She said, "Let's go to my mother's."

I jumped out of bed and said, "I'll start decorating the whole house."

[Jimbuna]

My son asked me the other day why his mother was no longer with us.
I replied. "Well son, why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side."
"That's right. So, like the chicken, mummy's gone to the other side; except she only made it about halfway across the road."

[BossMark]

"Dad, as it's my birthday soon, please could you get me some pedals for my guitar. " Said my teenage lad.

"Sure son, " I replied, "I'll pop by the bike shop tomorrow and get you a pair. "

[Jimbuna]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[BossMark]

Effective ways to avoid cancer:

1. Avoid processed foods, particularly red meats.
2. Refrain from smoking or heavy drinking.
3. Get plenty of sun, but not too much.
4. Be a tree.

[Jimbuna]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

[BossMark]

In the light of recent evidence, which states bacon and sausages cause cancer.

I have decided to cut down on reading newspapers.

[Jimbuna]

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her, I said:

"Back in 08."

It sounds much better than 'August'.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
Husband: (smirks)
Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
Husband: "Absolutely not,"
Wife: "How Sweet!"
Husband: "The season's more than half over!"

[BossMark]

In a meeting before work today the shift manager briefed all staff there was to be no more chewing on site...

Lunch time in the canteen three blonde birds were rushed to hospital after choking on their lunch.

[BossMark]

Talk-Talk have sacked their director of IT following the huge data security breach.

They are now recruiting for a new global director of IT, applicants must be 15 or under

[Jimbuna]

A woman was taking a shower, in the upstairs bathroom, she gets finished and puts on a towel over her.
Her husband takes a shower right after her.
When the husband walks in to take a shower the doorbell rings. So the woman goes to answer the door ... It is there next door neighbor (Stan) she answers the door Stan says " ill give u $800 if u drop that towel" so she did and Stan gave her $800.
Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs.
Her husband asks..."who was that hunny" and she says" oh it was just Stan" The husbands asks " did he mention anything about that $800 dollars he owes me?"

[BossMark]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

[Jimbuna]

If I became Prime Minister of this country, the first thing I'd do is declare war on and conquer Nigeria and take their oil.

Well, why not? Just look at how stupid their politicians, bankers and high-ranking armed forces dignitaries are. Everyone knows they keep offering to put millions in strangers' bank accounts for absolutely nothing...

[BossMark]

"Give me a T."

"T"

"Give me a T."

"T"

"Oh, sod it. I'll go to another café."

[BossMark]

I am so poor, I can't even pay attention

[BossMark]

Halloween must be a great time of the year for Jehovah's Witnesses.

All they have to do is wear a mask and then the chances of somebody actually opening the door improve dramatically.

[Jimbuna]

I couldn't collect my glasses from the opticians earlier as I forgot to bring along any proof of identification, which ironically was quite short-sighted of me.

[BossMark]

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's 2 child policy.

[Jimbuna]

I've spent all day searching for a U2 CD...

...but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

[BossMark]

After being voted woman of the year Caitlin Jenner has vowed to promote everything that is great about women.

Cool, I shall look forward to her having a baby.

[Jimbuna]

Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are.

The first one says, "My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger."

The second says, "Mine can outrun a cheetah, he's so quick."

The third is unimpressed and laughs, "Mine works for the council, so he's the fastest."

"How?" the others ask.

"He finishes work at 5.30 but he's home by 2.

[BossMark]

Now that Caitlyn Jenner has won 'Woman of the Year', the odds on one of the Williams sisters winning 'Man of the Year' have been cut dramatically.

[BossMark]

A 74 year old woman has visited 972 Weatherspoons throughout the UK. When asked when she was going to stop she replied,

"When I find a good one."

[Jimbuna]

The alarm went off at 6am

The wife said "Turn it off!" and went back to sleep

I got up quietly, went to work and then rang the fire brigade.

[Jimbuna]

Phoned this psychic the other day with the intention of going to see her, banged the phone down on her when she was booking me in and asked me what my name is.

[BossMark]

So Caitlyn Jenner has won woman of the year.

So what?

My cat is on the front page of Modern Dog .

[Jimbuna]

My boss and I had an exchange of views earlier.

I went into his office with my views, and came out with his.

[BossMark]

In 1605 Guy Fawkes tried to blow up parliament and was subsequently executed.

It'd be better to do it now. He'd be given a warning and a 3 bed house in Hounslow.

[Jimbuna]

A woman at a party said to me, "I can read people's minds."

Then there were a few seconds of silence before she said, "Yes I bloody well can."

[BossMark]

A woman comes across a genie in a lamp. The genie says, "I will grant you one wish."

"I wish to be the funniest female comedian alive." She tells the genie.

"Your wish is my command," says the genie handing her a piece of paper.

"What's this?" she asks confused.

"It's a joke!" The genie replies.

[BossMark]

Jockey Michelle Payne has gone down in history as the first woman to win the Melbourne Cup.

Made all the more impressive by the fact that she's also the first jockey to stop and ask for directions halfway through the race.

[Jimbuna]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

[BossMark]

This morning I was watching a young lady having a hard time backing up her car,so I offered to help.

"bugga off!" she yelled, "I can do it myself."

"Please,I insist" I said, "This is my house and my bloody living room."

[Jimbuna]

We never played violent video games when I was growing up. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

[BossMark]

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

"Where are you?" she moaned.

"I'm at the pub." I replied.

She said, "I think the baby's coming!"

I said, "She won't get in, she's under-age."

[BossMark]

I met a woman from from Essex in a club last night. We got on really well and she invited me back to her place.

We had a short chat, she opened a bottle of wine and we started kissing. One thing led to another and she suggested we take things upstairs.

It was at this point I realised she wasn't my type.

So I made some excuse and got off at my stop.

[Jimbuna]

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried, as custom dictates, in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognisable music emanating from within.

With the fear of God in him, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards. How odd."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had by now gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

[Catfish]

^ A decomposing composer :yep:



Beethoven's gone, but his music lives on
And Mozart don't go shopping no more
You'll never meet Liszt or Brahms again
And Elgar doesn't answer the door


Schubert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh
Whilst composing a long symphony
But one hundred and fifty years later
There's very little of them left to see


They're decomposing composers
There's nothing much anyone can do
You can still hear Beethoven
But Beethoven cannot hear you
...

[BossMark]

Getting more depressed by the hour about my Sharm El Sheik flight cancellation.

The stench, the flies, the beggars.

And we haven't even left Manchester yet

[BossMark]

My Dad was sacked after he almost fell out of a crane whilst working on the new hospital.

He was suspended on medical grounds.

[Jimbuna]

I called the Samaritans once, saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

[Jimbuna]

"So Paddy, where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" asked the interviewer.

"I can't answer that," replied Paddy.

"Why not?"

"I forgot my glasses."

[BossMark]

My son pointed to an insect in a spider's web.

He said, "Isn't it sad how something so free and innocent can be caught up in such madness? Having the life sucked away from you, inevitably leading to a sad, forgotten existence."

"That's very profound," I replied, looking at my wife.

[BossMark]

In Northamptonshire a man has been jailed after filming himself driving at 192 miles per hour.

Meanwhile, in central London a motorist managed to drive a mile in 192 hours

[BossMark]

Burglars have stolen 47 rare watches from the home of influential businessman Sir John Ritblat.

When asked by police what time the offence was committed, Sir John replied, "Bugga off."

[Jimbuna]

I stumbled up to the bar.

"I'm not serving you," said the barman.

"Why not?!" I asked.

"Too drunk." he replied.

I said, "Sober up then, you daft bugga."

[BossMark]

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living!

[BossMark]

My son said, "I haven't got a clue what I want to do when I leave school."

I said, "What about a career in the catering industry like me."

He said, "Dad, you deliver bloody pizza's."

[Jimbuna]

Gunnar Hansen, the man who terrified millions in Texas Chain Saw Massacre, has died.

He will be buried next week on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

[BossMark]

"Knowing my luck, you're a professional killer," said the cute blonde, as we headed to my place.

"I actually make my money by being an accountant," I smiled.

I've never made a penny from my hobby.

[Jimbuna]

Next time you're on a beer run to your local supermarket, add nappies and baby food to your trolley. When you get to the till, empty your wallet to reveal only enough cash for the alcohol. The look on the cashiers face as you tearfully ask them to cancel the baby products from your bill is priceless!

[BossMark]

"I got caught short today whilst I was out and had to take a crap in the bushes" I said to my friend

"Where were you?" he asked

"At the garden centre" I replied

[Jimbuna]

Husband: Your a abcdefghijk wife!
Wife: Oh why?
Husband: You are adorable, beautiful, cute, dim[in a nice way], elegent, funny, great, happy wife.
Wife: Oh well what does ijk stand for?
Husband: I'm just kidding.

[Jimbuna]

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

[Jimbuna]

I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
He said: "You can't".
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"

[BossMark]

Walking into the shop and placing the bag on the counter, I said to the cashier, "I'd like to return this please".

"Is there anything wrong with the item?", she asked.

"No, nothing", I replied. "It's hardly been used and I just no longer need it."

"Sir, this bag is empty", the cashier exclaimed.

"That's right", I said. "I'd like my bloody five pence".

[BossMark]

My wife came home to find me cuddling a new puppy.

"I thought we weren't having one, " she said. "OK, you feed it, clean it look after it and don't ask me to pay for it. "

Six months later I got home from taking the dog out and she greeted me with a fantastic smile. "Darling, I'm pregnant. " She said.

"I thought we weren't having one, " I said. "OK, you feed it, clean it look after it and don't ask me to pay for it. "

[Jimbuna]

I had an argument down the pub with an American about metric and imperial measurements, trying to explain to the idiot that he's living in the dark ages and it's much easier to use centimetres than inches and kilos rather than pounds and ounces, dividing stuff by 10 is better than trying to work out what 11/16th is or whatever.
Any way, once we had calmed down a bit, to show there were no hard feelings I bought him a pint.

[Jimbuna]

So alcohol producers are to be forced into putting warning labels on their products similar to the tobacco industry. What odds can you get on Stella going with "May cause severe bruising to your wife"

[BossMark]

My doctor asked me if I was sexually active.

I said, "Define active. There are volcanoes classed as active that haven't gone off in centuries."

[Jimbuna]

An abstract painting sold for £16million at Sotheby's yesterday.

When asked what the picture represented, the artist replied, "How a fool and his money are soon parted."

[BossMark]

Got into a spot of bother with my mandatory drugs test at work today.

According to the results, I'm a Russian Olympian.

[Jimbuna]

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

[BossMark]

BBC NEWS - Sepp Blatter admitted to hospital

Well, at least he's admitted to something...

[BossMark]

I asked my next door neighbour why he had number thirty four painted on his bin when he lived at number eight,

"It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it, " he replied.

[Jimbuna]

I bought some bird seed and planted it.

Still no birds.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend keeps telling me to act my age. I don't know how. I've never been this old before.

[Jimbuna]

What's brown and smelly and spread over many acres of land?

Jihadi John.

[BossMark]

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

I guess he just couldn't be bothered with the hassle.

[BossMark]

I was with my nan at the airport when I pointed out a 747 on the runway.

She squinted and said, "Which craft?"

I said, "Not really nan, just a flying contraption beyond your level of technical comprehension."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games.

What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.

[BossMark]

Paddy said to Mick, "There's one thing I've found out today, Mick."

"And what's that, Paddy?" enquired Mick.

"A phone box's not a great place to play trombone." Paddy replied.

[Jimbuna]

Don’t spend two quid to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy five pence.

[Jimbuna]

I just had an email saying, "You may be entitled to £3750 for that accident you had."

It must have been pretty bad, I can't even remember it happening.

[BossMark]

Children In Need appeal raises a record breaking amount of money, £37 million, presumably because Wogan threw a sicky and didn't receive his usual appearance fee.

Coincidence?

[Jimbuna]

They had a sale in my local butchers today, 2 rump steaks for £5. I asked "How much is one?"
"One is £3.50" said the butcher .
"OK, I'll have the other one" I replied.

[CaptainRamius]

Paddy said to Mick, "There's one thing I've found out today, Mick."

"And what's that, Paddy?" enquired Mick.

"A phone box's not a great place to play trombone." Paddy replied.

Wat.

[CaptainRamius]

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games.

What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.

I love this one. :har:

[BossMark]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads...

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads...

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads...

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads...

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[CaptainRamius]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads...

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads...

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads...

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads...

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

:agree: love this one

[Jimbuna]

You invented Tipp-Ex didn't you?

Correct me If I'm wrong....

[CaptainRamius]

You invented Tipp-Ex didn't you?

Correct me If I'm wrong....

:sign_yeah: this just made my day :D

[Eichhörnchen]

No, it was all a big mistake.

[Jimbuna]

Ten words, two commas, an exclamation mark and a full stop all appeared in court yesterday...

They're due to be sentenced next week.

[BossMark]

"I'm thinking of running a marathon again," I told my friend.

"You've run a marathon before?" she asked, with an air of admiration.

I said, "No, but I've thought about it."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[Jimbuna]

Walked through the metal detector at an airport, with no trouble at all.

I suppose then proclaiming "well I guess they call them plastic explosives for a reason," wasn't my smartest move.

[BossMark]

Cows are sacred in India and America.

Only in India they don't wait until they're hamburgers before worshipping them.

[Jimbuna]

I started chatting to a nice lady in the coffee shop earlier. She said, "Books are my passion. I've written 10 in my life."

"That's fantastic. What do you do in between writing books?"

"I have four children."

"Bloody hell. You've got 40 kids as well?"

[BossMark]

I have an app on my phone that makes the sound of a police siren.

Comes in handy if there are long queues in KFC.

[BossMark]

"I can't understand how I keep losing," my brother complained, tearing up his latest betting slip. "I get all my tips from an expert."

"How do you know he's an expert?" I asked him.

"Duh!" he replied. "I doubt he'd own the betting shop if he wasn't."

[Jimbuna]

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

[BossMark]

I decided to change tact..

"Have you had an accident in the last 5 years?" the phone voice blurted.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I have!" I shouted. "I just tripped answering the phone to you, so that'll be five grand!"

Not a dicky-bird from callers for 3 years now.

[BossMark]

Over the next few weeks, the following events will occur in various British soap operas:
A woman stabbing someone.
A drunken man beating a woman.
Rape.
Murder.
A psychotic lad attacking a girl.
And last but not least, somebody is going to die at someone else's wedding.

I thought these shows were supposed to be realistic?

Surely they can't all be set in Manchester?

[BossMark]

My great-grandfather once got off with forty women in one night.

It was how he survived The Titanic sinking.

[Jimbuna]

I was standing outside the Crown Court when a group of Chavs came out and they were clearly upset. They were met by another Chav and had the following conversation:

"What's up with you lot?"

"Danny has just been sentenced to five years, because of something he didn't do."

"What was it that he didn't do then?"

"He didn't run fast enough."

[Balcaam]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the judge had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started shouting, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight!' She exclaimed. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"



Was a bit long to write, but I think it was worth it.

[Eichhörnchen]

Welcome to SubSim, Balcaam:)

[Jimbuna]

I just got robbed at the petrol station. It's getting real bad over here. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

[Balcaam]

A woman phoned her blond neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you, yesterday."

To which the blond man replied, "Well the jokes on all of you, because I wasn't even at home yesterday!"

[BossMark]

I noticed a woman smoking shamelessly in front of her little girl.

"You aren't exactly being a responsible parent, are you?" I questioned.

"If you had children you would understand," she remarked.

"I do," I added, "They're in the park somewhere."

[Jimbuna]

The Worlds Fattest Man has had a lot of criticism lately.

It's ok though, he's taken it all with a pinch of salt, a side of bacon, eggs, sausages, chips, fried bread, hash browns, beans, mushrooms, bubble and squeak, toast, black pudding and of course, a diet coke.

[Balcaam]

My friend Tom finally decides to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. I went over to his garage on evening after they got back from the honeymoon. He was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him and after a long period of silence she finally speaks. " Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection."

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, " Darling, what's wrong?" Tom replies, " For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!", she screams, " YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

"I wasn't..", Tom replied.

[Jimbuna]

"You can't park there, it's a disabled space," shouted the car park attendant.

"There are eleven empty spaces - it's not as if eleven disabled people are all going to turn up at once, is it?" I replied.

At which point the Leeds United team bus pulled up to disprove my theory.

[BossMark]

I hate women who put their makeup on whilst driving. On the way to work this morning a woman crossed three lanes without watching where she was going, ending up in front of me.

I had to brake so hard that my razor landed in my cornflakes which splashed milk all over my newspaper.

[Jimbuna]

I expect Putin will have a bite or two of Turkey this Xmas.

[BossMark]

I've been diagnosed with a severe case of flatulence. I won't be suffering in silence though.

[Jimbuna]

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael, I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge".

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he Bollocks! He was a window cleaner!"

[BossMark]

Vladimir Putin is changing his name to Ebenezer Scrooge...
Because if he gets his way, there will be no Turkey this Christmas....

[BossMark]

I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.

"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.

"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.

"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."

[Jimbuna]

Not many people know that the flag they wave at the end of a grand prix is actually the flag of a real country.

It's Finnish

[Commander Wallace]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the judge had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started shouting, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight!' She exclaimed. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"



Was a bit long to write, but I think it was worth it.

That one got a big chuckle here :D

[BossMark]

Caitlyn Jenner has just been formally awarded "Woman of the Year" by Glamour magazine.

How can you be "Woman of the Year" if you haven't even been a woman for a year?

[BossMark]

My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post.

"Why am I so unfortunate?" she shrieked.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits," she continued.

I said, "Tinnitus. You have tinnitus."

[Jimbuna]

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says, "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here."

[Jimbuna]

The orchestra conductor was laying into the second violin: 'If you don't buck up your ideas and demonstrate to me that you are worthy of being called a musician, I'll take away your violin and your bow, give you two drumsticks, and move you to the percussion section.'

The drummer then chimed in with: 'Yeah, and if you can't play the drums, we'll take away one of your sticks...and make you the conductor!'

[Jimbuna]

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

[Jimbuna]

A brass band was engaged to play in the local park. Their contract said that they could pack up and go home if there was no audience, but if just one person was watching, they would have to play their entire one-hour programme. The band began to play, the sun was shining, and there were 80 people sitting in deckchairs enjoying the music. Within ten minutes, the heavens opened, the wind gusted, and the audience ran to take shelter...all except one man. The concert continued. Rain was lashing into the faces of the musicians, their sheet music were being blown away...but one man stubbornly remained seated.

At the end of the concert, the sodden conductor approached the man and said: 'You must really love brass band music'. The man replied: 'Not really, but I had to wait until you finished playing because it's my job to put the deckchairs away.'

[Jimbuna]

Jeremy Corbyn is out jogging and accidentally falls into a very cold river.

Three boys see the accident and without a second thought, they jump into the water and drag out the soaking wet Corbyn.

Corbyn says "Boys,you have saved my life and deserve a reward. You name it and I'll give it to you".

The first boy says, "I'd like a holiday to disneyland."

Corbyn says, "Certainly."

The second boy says, "I'd like an MP3 player."

Corbyn says, "No problem."

The third boy says, "And 'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it."

Corbyn says, "But you're not handicapped!"

The boy replies, "Not yet, but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

[Jimbuna]

Negotiators from 195 countries have arrived in Paris to try to reach a deal aimed at reducing global carbon emission.

They have flown there on hundreds of flights and have been chauffeur-driven to their 5-star air-conditioned hotel rooms with huge plasma televisions, power showers and jacuzzis.

Oh, the irony.....

[Jimbuna]

A shocked Chinese man buried his life savings in his Garden only to find it eaten by worms 5 yrs later.

Wu Cheng had no idea his hidden cash would gain interest.

[Eichhörnchen]

I went fly fishing once... I caught a 7lb bluebottle

[Jimbuna]

The USA has welcomed Britain's involvement in Syria, a spokesman said "These very specific British Brimstone missiles literally knock the front door of their intended target"

A spokesman for the MOD stated "They actually come in for a cup of tea first before detonating"

[Jimbuna]

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

[Jimbuna]

My teacher said I'd end up working in McDonalds. Well, look who's laughing now.

The guys ordering chicken off me in KFC.

[Catfish]

You know what a woman and a hand grenade, have in common?
Pull the ring, and your house is gone.

[Jimbuna]

"Mr. President, kill confirmed."
Obama: "Can you confirm the identity?"
"Yes sir. Scruffy ugly bugga with a big beard. Hang on, that's his wife."

[Catfish]

"Ok, if you had the choice of a good time:
a) you spend an evening with your wife at"

"B! B! B!!!!"

[Jimbuna]

I've just downloaded the new ISIS game on my phone.

It involves stoning to death all Westerners.

It's a great game for all the family.

So download Boulder Daesh now.

[Catfish]

Yesterday, i taught our child a lesson.

I ate up his homework.

Tomorrow, it will learn that some people will never believe you, even if you tell the truth.

[Jimbuna]

Two surgeons are having a drink.

One surgeon says to the other, "What do you specialise in?"

The other surgeon says, "Appendixes. It's quite simple: a little snip here, a little snip there and Bob's your uncle." He then says, "What do you specialise in?"

The other surgeon says, "Sex changes. It's not quite the same but it's still simple: a little snip here, a little snip there and Bob's your Auntie."

[Jimbuna]

A Man decided to join the church and become a monk. He went to his new home and the head monk told him that in order to dedicate his life to the church he had to take a vow of silence, but he would be allowed 2 words every 7 years. The man agreed and began his new life. 7 years passed and the head monk said "You have done very well my son I shall now grant you 2 words."
"Food cold" replied the monk. "Sorry" said the head monk, "I shall have to sort that out for you as soon as possible."
Another 7 years pass and again he is granted 2 words.
"bed hard" he said.
"I'm really sorry" says the head monk, "I'll fix that for you right away."
Another 7 years pass and the head monk says "You have served us well and I'm happy to grant you another 2 words"
"I quit!" replied the monk.
"Good" said the head monk, "You've done nothing but moan since you got here."

[Peter Cremer]

The Presidents office has always been known as the "Oval Office". When Hillary gets elected, it will be changed to the "Ovary Office".

[Peter Cremer]

A cave man was sitting in front of his cave one day when his wife ran up yelling that a saber toothed tiger had just run into her mothers cave. The cave man replied that nobody cared what happened to a saber toothed tiger.

[BossMark]

Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook founder, has pledged to give away 99 percent of his fortune after the birth of his child.

Baby Max's first words are going to be...

"You did what?"

[Jimbuna]

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

[Jimbuna]

Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world.

That honour now goes to Manchester City.

[Jimbuna]

A man and wife were having argument about who should make the pot of tea in the morning.
The wife told him that he should do it because he gets up first.
The husband said that she was in charge of the cooking in the house, making it her job.
The wife said that even the Bible says that the man should do it.
The husband told her to show him and if it did he would make it.
She fetched the bible and opened up the new testament, showing him at the top of several pages that said "Hebrews"

[Jimbuna]

I called my mum and said, "I have a question for you."

"What is it?" she asked.

I said, "Can you cook a piece of steak in the oven alongside some chips?"

"Of course." she replied.

"Nice one," I said, "I'll be around in about 20 minutes."

[Catfish]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

[Eichhörnchen]

^:har::har:

[Jimbuna]

The funeral procession made its way down the road.

Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net and some bait.

A passer-by remarked, "He must have been a very keen fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," came the reply. "He's off to the river as soon as they've buried his wife!!"

[Jimbuna]

A Catholic priest says to a rabbi, "It seems to me that, since the Creator made pork, He must have made it for some purpose. Therefore, it must be a sin not to use it, don't you think? So, will you finally eat some pork?"
The rabbi replies, "I will try some — at your wedding, Father"

[Jimbuna]

A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.
"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.
"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club," the pygmy replies.
"You must have a big club," says the Zulu.
"Aye, there's about thirty of us."

[Jimbuna]

"Do you remember what day today is?" asked my wife,

"Of course!" I replied, "...Happy Valenbirthsary!

[magic452]

President Obama is getting off of Marine 1 and has (1) pig under each arm.

The Sergeant in his Marine detachment asks "Sir, what's with the pigs?"

Obama replies "These aren't pigs, they are genuine Arkansas razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary Clinton and the other for Nancy Pelosi."

The Sergeant replies "Good trade sir."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

I walked into work this morning and my boss said, "What time do you call this?"

"10:33" I replied.

"You didn't see anybody else strolling in at half past ten today, did you?"

"Of course not" I said, "I wasn't even here."

[Jimbuna]

I was at a job interview today, and towards the end of it, the interviewer asked me, "Have you any weaknesses?"

I said, "I always let myself down at interviews."

He said, "I think you are doing OK."

I said, "You would you stupid bugga!"

[Jimbuna]

A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
He said " You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up; "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..

"Well I’m in the pub next to that."

[Jimbuna]

My wife yelled something from the bedroom about my lack of masculinity.

"I can't hear you," I shouted back. "I'm in the kitchen."

[Jimbuna]

Louis Van Gaal and Jose Mouhrino kill each other in a high speed head on collision. As they are waiting at the pearly gates, Van Gaal says,

"I'm sorry Jose, after the Norwich game I was so mad I just had to get away from Old Trafford before I attacked a player. What were you doing anyway? "

"Nothing much, " replied Mourhino, "I was just on my way to Old Trafford for a job interview. "

[Jimbuna]

Andy Murray won the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award and gave a fittingly heartfelt speech.

"Thanks," he said with a stone cold face, before walking off the stage.

[BossMark]

Report: Europe may ban teens under 16 from social media.

Although I suspect a few may figure out how to click the "Yes, I am 16 or older" button.

[Jimbuna]

Somebody dropped off a box of Celebrations for the lads at work.

Or, if you start 2 hours later than everyone, a box of Bountys.

[Jimbuna]

I pulled my wife bleeding from the wrecked car, as she screamed and pleaded for me to let her have one more shot at parking it again.

[Jimbuna]

One afternoon, an old couple were sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs. All of a sudden, the old man reached over and slapped his wife firmly on the cheek.

She exclaims angrily, "Well! What was that for?!"

"Forty years of rotten sex!" her husband replies.

She remains silent and they start rocking once more. A few moments later, the old lady reaches over and slaps her husband.

He grumbles, "Oh well what was that for?"

She retorts, "That's for knowing the difference!"

[Platapus]

The other day my wife and I were having an argument while riding in an elevator.

She told me I was wrong on so many levels.

[BossMark]

I was on a golf course about to take my shot, when a group of guys behind me muttered, "Get a move on."

"This is called the tee off," I turned around and said, "It is a crucial element of the game, I am simply taking my time."

"Well we've been here over three hours now! We've got places to be, you know!" spouted another guy from the group.

I said, "Like where?"

He replied, "The second hole."

[Jimbuna]

Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance.

Well it's her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I'm pleased to say I've already bought her her present.

She's going to love these flowers.

[BossMark]

If your gift looks like it was wrapped by a blind T-Rex, it was from me.

[BossMark]

I'll be having a few drinks with my family today.

It'll make a pleasant change to drinking because of them.

[Jimbuna]

I was watching a violent movie when my wife sat down, grabbed the remote and changed the channel.

"I don't want to see any blood," she said.

"Then give me back the remote," I replied.

[BossMark]

My Chinese mate got me an iPad for Christmas this year. I couldn't believe it!

The most thoughtful gifts really are the ones you make yourself.

[Jimbuna]

So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.

Well I've got some news for her.

[BossMark]

Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me

The years go by so quickly

Afterme will be 21 next week

[Jimbuna]

I was at a very awkward party last night in an Igloo.

I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse.

[BossMark]

Christmas is such a cruel joke on gamers.

You get a stack of the hottest games this season and you have to spend the day with your family

[Jimbuna]

Donald trump ties with Pope Francis for second most Admired man in the world.

"I can't believe with his ridiculous entrenched views, xenophobia and exclusive lifestyle that he was even considered!", they both said.

[BossMark]

A man from England has just become the first Briton to ever row the Atlantic Ocean solo.

He only went out to for a loaf of bread but the flooding got so bad that he got lost.

[Jimbuna]

I once used an online dating site and arranged to meet this lass from Yorkshire, as her profile info said we had similar hobbies and interests.

From the size of her, it quickly transpired that 'enjoys eating owt' wasn't a typo on her part.

[Jimbuna]

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

[BossMark]

Finally!

Just finished installing that bloody loft ladder!

Now

Instructions on how to climb it

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Step 4

[Jimbuna]

I've finally decided on my New Year's resolution.

1920 x 1080.

[BossMark]

It seems I've upset a number of people by letting fireworks off to celebrate the New Year.

In hindsight it may have been an idea if I had waited until I got off the train.

[Buddahaid]

It seems I've upset a number of people by letting fireworks off to celebrate the New Year.

In hindsight it may have been an idea if I had waited until I got off the train.

I snuck out to set off a pack of firecrackers only to see my neighbor rush out and toss an M1000. I was so outclassed...:dead:

[Jimbuna]

Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

[Jimbuna]

I was pulled over by a police Car today.

The officer asked " Do you know why I've pulled you over sir?

"No officer" I replied.

"Well," he said. " This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users."

"Thanks" I said. " So you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then officer?"

[Jimbuna]

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.

At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the hell was that?"

[BossMark]

I woke myself up by farting last night.

Plus, the neighbours won't show me their holiday snaps again.

[Jimbuna]

- "What did your husband buy you for your anniversary?"
- "Can you see that silver BMW parked over there?"
- "Yeah... Gorgeous..."
- "He bought me the same colour apron..."

[BossMark]

My kids told me next Christmas they want a real tree instead of the imaginary one we usually have.