The joke thread

[BossMark]

Thought I would start this so lets try and keep it clean :D

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[Dowly]

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=site%3Asubsim.com+joke+thread

[Platapus]

My girlfriend likes to talk dirty to me during sex.

Last night she called me from her hotel room. :o

(with a nod to Rodney Dangerfield)

[frau kaleun]

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/11/1/129015899709989355.jpg

:O:


A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

http://jeffpicard.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/rim-shot-johnny-utah.jpg

[Flaxpants]

Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A: A Labrador

[Hottentot]

Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A: A Labrador

Along the same lines, I picked this piece of wisdom up from somewhere in the net: "To err is human, to really screw up you need a retriever."

It's funny because it's true.

[antikristuseke]

An irishman walks out of a bar.

[Jimbuna]

Noah's diary : Day 39.
Unicorn pie is delicious!

[Herr-Berbunch]

This one is taken from a GCSE exam paper my wife marked last week.

Three old ladies sat on a park bench.

The first one says, "I remember when we used to grow all our own food, and we had onions this big!" cupping her hands the size of a large onion.

The second one says, "I remember growing cucumbers this big!" holding her hands apart the size of a large cucumber.

The third says, "I may be deaf, but I know the bloke you're on about!". :D


Sadly, he didn't gain any extra marks :cry:

[THE_MASK]

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says i would like a beer.
The barman says sorry we dont serve bears here.
The bear gets really angry and bites a big chunk out of the bar .
Now will you serve me the grizzly says .
The barman says i told you once we dont serve bears or drug addicts in this bar .
The grizzly says what are you talking about , drug addicts !
The barman says what about that bar bit you ate .

[Sailor Steve]

*groan*

[Jimbuna]

I've just found out I'll be going to watch the shooting events at the 2012 Olympics for free....

They are being held on an East London Council estate.

[AVGWarhawk]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
A Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like
to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight
started...

________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said,
"Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0
to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight
started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

_________________________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one of the seven ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started

[Jimbuna]

I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say 'sorry babe. I can't come over tonight. I have to work. I'll see you next week'

After I sent it I read it back and it said 'Susan, I don't see this relationship working. I am going to dump you in a public place next week. We won't see each other until a night out in three months when we will have some drunken sex and both feel horrible the morning after.'

Then I realised I had predictive text on.

[BossMark]

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

[Jimbuna]

As a substitute teacher, the principle was showing me round on my first day. He said, 'every child is different, take this young boy for example.'


That is my defence, your honor.

[Blood_splat]

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

[BossMark]

TEACHER: "Tell me, Johnny, which is the best time to pick pears? Spring, summer, autumn or winter?"

JOHNNY: "The best time to pick pears is when the farmer is not at home and there's no dog on the farm."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your p*ssy today!"

[Hottentot]

Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me), there is an empty house with a piece of paper on the table. The paper reads in descending order:

"13:45. I'm off to watch a political education film with comrades, after which we shall discuss the glorious future and best ways of achieving communism. I'll be home late. Long live the Party!
-Father"

"15:15. Hi all, I visited home, but had to leave again. I'm going to the factory, after which me and the shock worker comrades shall celebrate the shining equality the Party has given us by letting women work in factories. There is a meal ready in the fridge. Don't expect me before midnight. Long live the Party!
Yours: Mother."

"16:30. Greetings, dear family! I'm sorry I can't participate in our home activities today. I need to attend a Komsomol meeting. We shall be discussing our new methods of cultural revolution and how to better educate people of their duties and place in the mighty new system. I'll try not to wake you up when I come home. Long live the Party!
Son"

"18:00. Hello. I ate all alone. Since no one was home, I left to spend time with my Pioneer comrades. We are going to sing songs of great Lenin and our fatherly Stalin all night! I think I'll be sleeping in the Pioneer house, that the Party has given us in their wisdom and love. Long live the Party!
See you! Daughter."

"23:10. I have stolen everything you owned. Thanks to the Party!
Sincerely: Burglar."

[Sailor Steve]

Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me)
You started it! :O:




Yuri: "Comrade, what is difference between Capitalism and Communism?"

Boris: "I don't know, comrade. What is difference between Capitalism and Communism?"

Yuri: "Under Capitalism Man subjugates and abues his fellow man, using him for his own nefarious purposes!"

Boris: "And Communism?"

Yuri: "Is other way around!"

[Jimbuna]

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

[Platapus]

Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me)

Well if we are going to do Soviet Union jokes...

Two men were riding on a bus in the Soviet Union. One man was sitting down and the other man was standing in front of him but was standing directly on the sitting man's foot.

Sitting man: Excuse me, but are you in the military?

Standing man: No, I'm not

Sitting man: Are you a member of our glorious security forces?

Standing man: No, I'm not

Sitting man: Are you in any way associated with our government?

Standing man: No, I am afraid not

Sitting man: Then get your ^$%#$ foot off of mine!

---
(this one came from a book on Soviet humor)

Two men were sitting in the park next to the embassies in Moscow. They were watching all the diplomatic cars near the embassies.

First man: "Look at that Mercedes. Mercedes Benz is one of the best cars in the world."

Second man: "The Lada is better"

First man looks in disbelief and then says. "Look that that Rolls. Rolls Royce. Now that is probably the best car in the world"

Second man: "The Lada is much better"

First man shakes his head. "Look at that Bentley. Bentleys are one of the best cars on the market"

Second man: "The Lada is clearly better"

First man says "you don't seem to know a lot about cars"

Second man "Oh I know a lot about cars. I just don't know a lot about you"

[Jimbuna]

Just bought a feather duster.

If there's one thing I can't stand it's filthy chickens.

[Platapus]

The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table

I can't tell if from a regular coffee table :yep:

[MH]

In communist Russia the party member Sergei Ivanovich wakes up in the morning.
He open the windows and greets the sun:
'Good morning comrade sun"
The sun replays 'Good morning comrade Sergei Ivanovich'
In the noon when Sergei goes for lunch he greets sun again:
'Good day comrade sun"
The sun replays smiling 'Good day comrade Sergei Ivanovich'
After day of work in the evening he greets sun again
'Have good evening comrade sun'
The sun makes a face and replays:
'Sod off in in the west now"

[Jimbuna]

LOL :DL

[MH]

Some recent one....


How many Arabs does it take to change a light ball?
One Arab and 100 left activists to scream discrimination.

[Platapus]

Some recent one....


How many Arabs does it take to change a light ball?
One Arab and 100 left activists to scream discrimination.

:hmmm::doh: sigh:nope:

[magic452]

Back to blonds. They are more fun. :sunny:

I was sitting at home one Saturday and answered a knock on the door.
There stood a pretty blond and said she " I need to earn some money for collage, do you have any work for me?"

I told her that I would give her $200.00 to paint the porch.
She agreed and I went and got her a bucket of paint and a brush.

About an hour later she came to the door and said that she was done painting. I gave her the $200.00 and she thanked me and said as she was leaving "Oh buy the way your porch is really a BMW."

Magic

[Hottentot]

@Steve and Platapus: :haha::har:. Thanks, my collection of Soviet jokes just improved. I wonder if I can use these in my thesis somehow...

Anyway...

Three men are in an art gallery. One of them is from France, another from Britain and the third one from the Soviet Union. They admire a painting depicting Biblical view of Adam and Eve in the paradise.

"Look at how elegant and sophisticated they are", says the Briton. "I'm sure they were British! Only a Briton can have such majesty!"

"No no no", the Frenchman objects. "Look how beautiful they are! Everyone knows that the French are the most beutiful and stylish people in the world, so they obviously must be French!"

"You're both wrong", the Soviet man snorts. "They have no clothes and no homes to live in. They grow apples but are not allowed to eat them. And all they while they are being told by a higher authority that they are living in a paradise. They must be from the Soviet Union."

[TarJak]

This thread.:D:O:

[Bakkels]

I always forget jokes but I remembered this one from the Sopranos:

Tony: Hey Paulie, did I ever tell you about my Indian ancestors?
Paulie: No Ton, you're part Indian? You're kidding me right?
Tony: No no, they were members of the Fagawee tribe.
Paulie: The Fagawee tribe?
Tony: Yeah, whenever they got lost in the woods, they'd go "Where the Faggawe?"

[BossMark]

The blonde cop



This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

[Jimbuna]

I was in a restaurant on a blind date with some fat ugly cow, looking to escape.
Suddenly, a man on a nearby table started clutching his chest and screaming in agony.
So I put down my menu, clicked the waiter over, and said, "I'll have what he's having."

[Lord_magerius]

My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I'm feeling canneloni right now.

[Platapus]

@Steve and Platapus: :haha::har:. Thanks, my collection of Soviet jokes just improved. I wonder if I can use these in my thesis somehow...




If you are serious then try to get a copy of "Cracking jokes: Studies of sick humor cycles and stereotypes" By Alan Dundes


It is out of print but it is a good sociological study on how types of jokes come about.

It also has some really funny jokes in it also.:D

[Jimbuna]

My wife shivered and said, "Ooh someone's just walked over my grave."

I looked out in the back garden, no sign of any intruders.

[Platapus]

One of my all time favourites.

At the divorce trial for Mickey and Minnie Mouse

Judge: Mr. Mouse, I am afraid I can not grant you a divorce based on your claims that Minnie is insane.

Mickey: Your honour, I never said Minnie was insane. What I said was that Minnie was F-ing Goofy!

:D

[BossMark]

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

[Jimbuna]

I was very happy opening Father's Day cards from my two kids today.

Not so pleased when my Thai wife sat next me, and opened one of her own.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

[Jimbuna]

I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to make love to me right now!'

It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.

[Schroeder]

What's the difference between Lucy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucy_%28Australopithecus%29) and a German with humour?





Lucy has already been found.
:D

[BossMark]

During her annual checkup, the well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly,

"I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:

"Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[Platapus]

Another oldie but moldy. :D

The President of the United States is looking out the window of the oval office one winter morning.

He sees, written in the snow, in urine, the words "you stink"

The POTUS calls in the USSS and the FBI for a full investigation

The Director of the FBI reports, "Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news"

"Ok, what's the good news?"

"Mr. President, we have analyzed the chemical composition of the urine and our analysis indicates it belongs to the Vice President"

"Wow, so what's the bad news?"

"Sir, it is your wife's handwriting"

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend asked, "Do you want to get married?"

I said, "Sure."

She said, "Great, when?"

I said, "Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl."

[Platapus]

Why did the employees of the United States Mint go on strike?

They wanted to make less money per hour.

[Lord_magerius]

I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert.

"Penis Enlargement - 80% off"

Surely that's not an enlargement.

[Jimbuna]

For Fathers day, Bin Laden's wives all chipped in and bought the kids..

..Scuba Gear

[Flaxpants]

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea
Q: What do you a call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
A: Still no ********n idea!

[BossMark]

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to London."

[Castout]

I just hope with the many blonde jokes out there it's not because many guys have been burned with one.

That's a funny one though. Made me laugh.

[BossMark]

I just hope with the many blonde jokes out there it's not because many guys have been burned with one.


Nope, my ex wife is a blonde (we departed on good terms) and my current girlfriend is blonde :yep:

[Jimbuna]

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little brunette bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm blonde, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

[Jimbuna]

I asked my teacher for advice when taking my maths exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first.

That's the last time I listen to him, I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard "Ok, pencils down".

[BossMark]

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mummy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

[simon.c]

two Irishmen in a boat fishing

Mick- "why dya tink dem frogmen go over der side backwards?"

Paddy "Are ya daft or what, if dey went fowards dey would still be in the boat!

[Jimbuna]

"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door.

"Please babe don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our son."

"What son?" She said.

"You're not pregnant?"

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe. Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that.' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe.'

[Jimbuna]

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park."

[Marcantilan]

In a circus, a two meters tall, big as a placard lion tamer walks near the bigger and bada$$ lion, forced the beat to open its jaws, drops his pants and introduced his "little friend" into the lion´s mouth.

All circus goes very, very silent and the lion tamer shouts "who dares to repeat this act?"

Seconds later, a very soft male voice speaks from the grades: "I think I could try do so, but maybe I could not open my mouth that big"

[Sailor Steve]

Jokes from my childhood:

Little Johnny lived on a farm and the outhouse stood on a little hill overlooking the river. One day Johnny thought it would be funny to push the outhouse into the river. When his dad caught up with him he gave him one chance to 'fess up. "Johnny, do you know anything about how the outhouse found it's way into the river?"

Thinking he was playing it smart, Johnny replied "I cannot tell a lie, father. I pushed the outhouse into the river." Johnny's dad immediately dragged the boy into the woodshed, pulled Johnny's pants down and proceeded to whip him untill he cried.

"I don't understand, dad. When George Washington said he chopped down the cherry tree he was rewarded for being honest."

"Yeah? Well, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree!"

[yubba]

After the Value Jet airliner crashed into the everglades, there was a couple of alligators near by the crash site, they were over heard saying, for a cheap airline the food is pretty good.

[Jimbuna]

I was doing my lottery tickets on Saturday, and thought I'd steal the pen.

"Get that out of your pocket!" said the shop keeper as I went to walk out.

"How the heck did you notice?" I asked.

"The stand trailing behind you kind of gave you away," he replied.

[BossMark]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

[Jimbuna]

The man who invented Chinese Whispers has died.

Pass it on.

[yubba]

Always remember, beauty is always, a light switch, away. A guy went into a bar, he ordered 2 mugs of beer, he started do drink one mug and stuck his hand in the other, the bartender asks what are you doing with your hand in a glass of beer, the man replies I'm getting my date drunk.

[Jimbuna]

I don't get it :hmmm:







http://img395.imageshack.us/img395/9501/liarrv1ed9.gif

[yubba]

Well I guess, you had too have been there.

[Jimbuna]

Well I guess, you had too have been there.

I was.










http://img833.imageshack.us/img833/6305/liaranimatedanimationli.gif

[Herr-Berbunch]

The man who invented Chinese Whispers has a diet.

Pass it on.

:03:

[Sailor Steve]

Always remember, beauty is always, a light switch, away.
"I went to bed at two with a ten, and woke up at ten with a two."
-Willie Nelson

[Platapus]

The man who invented Chinese whistling is on a diet

pass it on

[Feuer Frei!]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says: "Tits"

[BossMark]

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million pounds and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million pounds not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

[Feuer Frei!]

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million pounds and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million pounds not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
A bit similar to this one is:

An unusually handsome man walks into the bar sits down, throws a stack of cash an the bar and orders a round for the whole place. The bartender sets everyone up and when he gets to the stranger, a little man jumps out of his backpack, kicks his drink over then hops back in the backpack.

The man continually asks for another one, and the same thing happens over and over.

Puzzled, the bartender asks what the deal was.

The stranger tells him, ''I was granted three wishes from a genie I found in a bottle while overseas, and I wished for stunningly good looks, an endless supply of cash, and a 12 inch p****. :salute:

[Jimbuna]

Never went to bed with a dog in my life but woke up with a few.

[BossMark]

At a jewellery store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweller.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

[Jimbuna]

My doctor e-mailed me asking if I knew my "blod group".

I replied, "typo."

[frau kaleun]

The ban on preventing my knees twisting caused a riot.

Pass it on.

[Jimbuna]

The school register:

The kid from Eastern Europe - Check
The kid with Tourette's - Tick
The birthday boy - "Present"
The deaf kid - "Ear"
The kid on drugs - "Hi"

[BossMark]

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mum and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my air plane glue."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: Rare Picasso sells for £106 million.

Who the hell would pay that for a Citroën?

[Gerald]

What are the similarities between a woman, and a wiper blade.Answer=both whine when it goes dry.

[BossMark]

Scouse lad goes for a job at sea, the captain says "Have you any experience away at sea?". "No" the lad says "but I'm honest!" The Captain takes him on and off they sail, after 3 weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks, when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the scouse lad overboard. The 1st mate runs to the captain and says, "You know the scouse lad we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he has just buggered off with your mop!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife walked in the kitchen and said, "That smells nice, what is it?"

"Its a red wine sauce I've made." I pointed my finger towards her and said, "Have a taste."

She said, "That tastes absolutely disgusting."

"Sorry, wrong finger... scratched my backside with that one."

[BossMark]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[BossMark]

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.' 'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?' 'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.' About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright. 'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend says I take too many chances.

My Monopoly set, my rules.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old witch steps in front of them. 'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.'
'I'm game for this,' says Dai, the Welshman, and slides down the helter-skelter shouting 'GOLD!' at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
William, the Englishman, goes next and shouts 'SILVER!' at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
Patrick, the Irishman, goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts 'WEEEEEEE!'

[Jimbuna]

Sorry mate...but older than me :DL

[BossMark]

Are lass suggested that I get myself one of those penis enlargers.............
So I did .....Shes 21 and her names Lucy...

[Jimbuna]

My mate's a right clumsy bugga, he's just fell into a vat full of baby onions and vinegar.

He's in a right pickle now.

[AVGWarhawk]

Did you hear the one about the butcher? He backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

[sidslotm]

I used to be indecisive about threads like this, but now I'm not so sure.:timeout:

[Jimbuna]

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling.

It's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

[Platapus]

I once put instant rice in the Microwave. I almost went back in time. :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

A ginger guy pulled a gun on me in a deserted alley the other day.

Terrified, I offered him my wallet, he batted it aside.

Then he forced me to become friends with him.

[Herr-Berbunch]

69% of people find something rude in the most innocent of sentences. :03:

[BossMark]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."

[Jimbuna]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

[Jimbuna]

"Knock, Knock!"
Bin Laden: "Who's there?"
Voice: "NavySeal!"
Bin Laden "No! I don't need new pvc windows! bugga off!"

[BossMark]

A senior in college took his blonde girlfriend to a football game. As the game started, he said, "Watch the guy wearing number 15. I expect him to be our best man next year."
"Oh, Honey," she said. "That's such a cleaver way to propose. I accept!"

[Jimbuna]

I got one of those sat nav system for my car that claim to find anywhere, so i typed in my girlfriends g-spot and it sent me to her ex boyfriends house.

[BossMark]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT *********G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

[Jimbuna]

A fellow Police officer said to me, "Have you thought about becoming a Mason?"

I said, "There's a rumour going around the station, when you lot secretly get together you all wear stockings and suspenders...is it true?"

He said, "Of course not, NO, it isn't."

I said, "In that case I'm not joining."

[BossMark]

A BIG-GAME hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

[Jimbuna]

I gave my sister away at her wedding.
I stood up and shouted "SHE USED TO BE A MAN"

[Platapus]

I got a hand gun for my wife.

Pretty good trade huh?

[Jimbuna]

I like to do a bit of after dinner speaking.

Like, "Now go and wash up."

[BossMark]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[Jimbuna]

I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.

"What do you need the money for sir?"

"It's for a car".

"Oh nice, what are you getting?"

"Just some unleaded".

[BossMark]

Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates,
where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name," says St.
Peter.
"Margaret Thatcher," she replies.
St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name
of the former British leader. "I am sorry," he says, "you cannot come in. Your
place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs.
A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers, and a voice says, "Hello
Peter, it is the Devil speaking. You will have to take that bloody woman after
all - she is only been here for ten minutes and she has closed half the furnaces
to reduce capacity."

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between Klitschko and my wife ?

My wife got a punch in the face last night.

[BossMark]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[Platapus]

Ever wonder why peanut butter is sticky but tomato paste is slippery?

[Jimbuna]

It's Bill Withers birthday today.

I, for one, hope he has a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

[Osmium Steele]

It's Bill Withers birthday today.

I, for one, hope he has a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.


+1 :up:

Hey, maybe its Just the Two of Us (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEy6MGu3bIA&feature=related).

[simon.c]

The fella who wrote the "Hokey Cokey died the other day,well the undertakers got his left leg in the coffin then all hell broke loose!

[Jimbuna]

When I was young, my mate use to say he was richer than me, because he had a sink in his bedroom.

Can just imagine wiping that smug look off his face, when I show him a picture of my cell.

[BossMark]

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!"

[Jimbuna]

Happy Independence Day America!

Or, as it is known in Britain,

"The day we decided that we'd rather keep India"...

[Platapus]

A priest observes this drunk into one of the confessional cubical.

The priest, surmising that this man is in need of spiritual guidance, enters his adjacent cubical.

After a few moments of silence, the priest asks "My son, how can I be of assistance?"

To which the drunk replies "Is there any paper on your side?"

[Jimbuna]

As I crushed the painkillers and poured them into a glass of vodka, I looked at a picture of my wife. "We'll be together soon, my darling..." I said.

"Did you say something?" my wife asked from the next room.

"I'm on the phone to your sister," I said. "Your drink is ready by the way."

[BossMark]

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five pounds that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer."

So the bartender said, "All right. What is 10+11+13."

The dog said, "34." Wow he got it right. So, he handed over the 5 pounds note.

Then the guy said, "Don't let my dog go anywhere I have to use the bathroom."

So he hands the dog the 5 pounds to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says, "If you're so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper." So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn't see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy, "The dog went to get me a newspaper."

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before."

The dog says, "I have never had 5 pounds before either."

[Zuk]

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five pounds that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer."

So the bartender said, "All right. What is 10+11+13."

The dog said, "34." Wow he got it right. So, he handed over the 5 dollar bill.

Then the guy said, "Don't let my dog go anywhere I have to use the bathroom."

So he hands the dog the 5 pounds to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says, "If you're so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper." So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn't see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy, "The dog went to get me a newspaper."

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before."

The dog says, "I have never had 5 pounds before either."

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha............................... :har::har::har::har::har:

[Platapus]

He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before."

The dog says, "I have never had 5 pounds before either."

So what did the dog do with the 5 pound 95 P left over?

[Jimbuna]

Very clever dog changing a 5 dollar bill into 5 pounds :03:

[BossMark]

Very clever dog changing a 5 dollar bill into 5 pounds :03:
Sorted :yep:

[Jimbuna]

An Irishman got his first job , working in a match factory


This one works, this one works, this one works.....

[BossMark]

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says
"Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness. The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".

[Platapus]

There was a bottleneck at the "Tickle me Elmo" factory.

The supervisor observed the new employee painstakingly sewing a small pouch with two marbles in it between the legs of each Elmo doll.

He laughingly said, "I think you misunderstood me. I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles."

[Jimbuna]

Life..

It's just an f in lie.

[Platapus]

I want a bumper sticker with that on it. :D

Well done (golf clap)

[BossMark]

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: A 91 year old man, and his 88 year old wife were blown fifty feet across the street when their house suffered a gas explosion today!

According to their son, it's the first time they've been out together for 30 years!

[Lord_magerius]

There's something wrong with my pet snake, his body is constantly limp and never hard.


I think it's a reptile dysfunction.

[Platapus]

There's something wrong with my pet snake, his body is constantly limp and never hard.


I think it's a reptile dysfunction.

Fangs for posting that joke.

[BossMark]

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"
"I think mine was a witch."
"A witch?"
"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: 'Man who killed Wife was facing life sentence'.

Yeah, that's why he killed her.

[Lord_magerius]

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

[BossMark]

A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her, "We can just live on love."
Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater.
The hippy asked, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "Heating your breakfast."

[Jimbuna]

My school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA.

Lessons are ok, but morning assembly takes ages.

[BossMark]

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I ought-ta punch you in the nose.' 'I'm sorry sir, I...........'
'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'

[Jimbuna]

I was stood at the bar last night, when this girl came up beside me.

Looking her up and down, I said, "If I could rearrange the alphabet..."

"Let me guess," she said, "you'd put U and I together?"

I said, "No fatty, I'd put U at the back of the Q."

[BossMark]

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

[Jimbuna]

KFC just released the Julia Gillard snack box, you get 2 small breasts, 2 extra large thighs and a red box.

[BossMark]

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.When the third man starts examining her body so closely,she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death"

Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?

[BossMark]

A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill replied, pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.

[Jimbuna]

"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"

"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"

"But I don't have a..."

[BossMark]

Paddy went to the doctors complaining of a bad back
The doc asks how he did it
'Having sex doggy fashion' says Paddy
'Why dont you try the normal position?'
'I have' said paddy 'but the dog keeps licking my face!'

[Jimbuna]

The News Of The World.

Proving finally without a doubt 'No news is good news'.

[Growler]

The News Of The World.

Proving finally without a doubt 'No news is good news'.

/thread

:har:

[Castout]

There are 3 kind of people in general

1. The fool who thinks he is smart
2. The fool who thinks he is wise
and
3. The wise who realizes he is a fool....until he forgets he is one.

[Jimbuna]

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

[BossMark]

oh dear lets just laugh at the news of the world
See you and its by by
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Article/201107116026782

[Platapus]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world

Those who understand Binary
Those who don't

[Platapus]

An Englishman is visiting an American farmer and is impressed with the production.

He asks the farmer what he does with the food his family can't eat?

The farmer, being somewhat of a rum wit, replies "We eat what we can and what we can't we can"

Well the Englishman though this was an awfully clever pun so when he got back home he wanted to tell his friends about it

"when I asked the farmer what he did with the excess food, the farmer told me, 'we eat what we can and what we can't we put up in tins!'"

[frau kaleun]

Did you hear about the cannibal chief who showed up late for the monthly chiefs' luncheon?








They gave him the cold shoulder.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend must have been sat for ten minutes last night, wondering what to choose from the menu.

Eventually I had to step in and select, "Play Movie."

[AVGWarhawk]

My girlfriend must have been sat for ten minutes last night, wondering what to choose from the menu.

Eventually I had to step in and select, "Play Movie."

:har:

[BossMark]

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

[Sailor Steve]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world

Those who understand Binary
Those who don't
Original version:

There are three kinds of people in the world - those who can count and those who can't.

[Jimbuna]

I went into this Chinese restaurant with a mate and we asked for the Duck.
20 minutes later the waiter comes up carrying a platter with a lid. I had a quick look and saw two eyes looking back at me.

"Look at this," I said to my mate. He had a quick look under the lid. "I can just see a pair of eyes," he replied.

I called the waiter over. "What the heck's this?"

"It's what you asked for. Number 63 - Peeking Duck."

[BossMark]

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[BossMark]

lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2: Good one!




Actually good two!

[Jimbuna]

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide."
"I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

[Sailor Steve]

I've told this one before, but:

Two young men are speeding down a small southern country road when they're pulled over by the county sheriff. As the sheriff walks up to the car the young driver rolls down his window. The sheriff immediately taps him upside the head with his nightstick. The kid grabs his head and yelps. "OW! What was that for? What did I do?"

"Well, son, it's like this. Back when my daddy was sheriff he would have hauled both your sorry backsides down to the jail, where you would have been beaten, tortured and abused. You finally would have escaped. One of you would have made it across the county line, the other would have died, taking several of our finest officers with him, and it all would have been made into a bad 'Movie Of The Week'. Just consider this to be part of our newer, kinder, gentler Sheriff's Department and my way of saying 'Please don't speed in my jurisdiction again'".

The kid quickly nods and says "Oh, I won't, officer, I promise! You'll never see me doing it again. In fact you'll never see me again, ever!"

The sheriff then walks around to the other side of the car and taps on the window. The kid in the passenger seat rolls the window down, and the sheriff tunks him with the nightstick too. "OW!", the kid yells. "What was that for? What did I do? I didn't do nothing!"

"I know", the sheriff smiles. "I just wanted to make your wish come true."

"Wish? What wish? I didn't wish for anything!"

"Oh, come on, son. You and I both know that two miles down the road you'd turn to your friend here and say "I wish he'd tried that $#!+ with me!"

[Jimbuna]

Sky News on the birth of David and Victoria Beckham's new daughter:

"Happy and healthy, she arrived at 7.55am this morning at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles and weighed 7lbs 10oz."

The weight of the baby is yet to be disclosed.

[andritsos]

here one that i'd been told:
~An eskimo man tells to a friend:
''One evening, I had sex with my girlfriend. The next day, she was 6 months pregnant''

[Lord_magerius]

I just caught a frog in my lawnmower. It was really messy and the squeal was something I'd never heard before in my life!

It was like "Non Monsieur!!" or something like that.

[BossMark]

Two men are playing golf.
In front of them are two women who are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.
So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."
He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around.
When he gets back his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"
To this he replies, "Small world."

[Jimbuna]

Local police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who stabbed six people in the ar$e in the last 48 hours.

Police believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern!

[BossMark]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[Jimbuna]

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?"

"Well, I'm a bit late for the war."

[BossMark]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[Jimbuna]

Sky News : "Diego Maradona Hit By Bus"

"People are saying he stuck his hand out, but I just didn't see him," said the English driver with a vengeful look on his face.

[BossMark]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

[Jimbuna]

My son came home from school in tears this afternoon, he said a gang of bullies had beaten him up in an unprovoked attack and called him disgusting names.

Luckily his iPad 2 was completely unscathed during the attack.

[BossMark]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss."

[Jimbuna]

The wife said that she wanted a new watch for her birthday.

"Don't be funny," I replied, "there's a perfectly good clock on the cooker."

[BossMark]

A little boy was doing his Geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Daddy, where would I find the Andes?" "Don't ask me," said his father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house."

[Herr-Berbunch]

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. That's fine, but not what I meant by 'I wanna watch'.

[BossMark]

:har::har:

[MH]

What Makes 100%?

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Find hereby, not a real joke, but a funny explanation, and it has a Kabbalistic smell...Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer this question:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
...............

[BossMark]

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"
A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!

[Jimbuna]

Candles lit, food ready, background music - the scene was set perfectly.

My girlfriend walked in the door exhausted from work and I smiled at her. The time was so right. I got down on one knee and held the ring up in the air.

"What is this?" she moaned.

"I'm scared," I said. "Please watch it with me."

[BossMark]

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.

A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.

[BossMark]

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
__________________________________________________ _______

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

[Jimbuna]

I saw my ex pushing a baby down the street today.
We stopped, she nodded at the pushchair and said, "It's yours."
I said, "Oh my God... really?"
She said, "Yeah, really."
So I picked up the baby, threw it on the floor and walked away with my new set of wheels.

[sidslotm]

A friend accidentally dropped his donkey jacket into a raw sewage poole while refurbishing the macerator pumps. He quickly made his way to the pooles edge where he lowered himself gently into flotsam and waded out to collect his jacket before it sank.

The management called my friend into the office and read him the riot act, claiming the dangers of being overcome by gas and then drowning in raw sewage would contravene every health and safty rule known to man, and were seriously considering his dismissal.

They asked him, why in heavens sake did you do this? you of all people know the dangers.

My friend, because I left my sandwiches in my jacket pocket

[BossMark]

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

[Jimbuna]

I know only 25 letters of the alphabet, I don't know 'why'.

[BossMark]

Three Cork men squared up to each other in a Liverpool street. There they stood in a triangular bust-up. Names were called, aspersions were cast and blows seemed inevitable. Suddenly, like the US cavalry, there appeared a van load of policemen called by a worried passer-by.
'Right boys,' shouted the sergeant, 'let's all calm down and get our heads together. For a start we'll have your names!'
Not wishing to disclose his identity, drunk number one looked around and saw a shop name.
'FW Woolworth, sir,' he said with a smile.
'Well done,' said number two glancing at another sign. 'Mark Spencer,' he cried.
Number three, the worst of all for drink, looked round and then kept up the theme with the totally unforgettable:
'Halifax Building Society!'

[Jimbuna]

When I won the lottery I decided to phone my ex-wife to rub it in.

"I bet you feel gutted knowing that I've won six million quid and you could've had half if you hadn't cheated on me", I sneered at her, thinking I'd finally managed to get the last word.

"On the contrary, I'm delighted for you", she replied. "It's about time your balls dropped".

[BossMark]

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

[Jimbuna]

Exit signs, they're on the way out.

[KaptCosper]

Atom 1: Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!

Atom 2: Really? Are you sure?

Atom 1: I'm Positive

[stoppro]

Roses are red and ready for plucking
You're sixteen and ready for high school

[Jimbuna]

"Please babe," I pleaded, running to the front door. "Don't leave this way".

"Move out the way Dave, I'm going," my wife screamed. "You won't even be seen in public with me without making out we're not together".

"I know but don't go this way," I replied. "Everyone knows I live here, use the back door".

[Herr-Berbunch]

“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the community, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry, Dad I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
your son.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home….”

[Jimbuna]

Did you know Its impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian?

[BossMark]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

[Jimbuna]

There is a smart blonde, a dumb blonde and santa playing poker, who wins?

The dumb blonde because the other two aren't real.

[BossMark]

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[Jimbuna]

As a sufferer of depression, I was advised to replace the sadness in my life with an activity, so I took up squash.

It hasn't worked though, I'll never be as good as the wall.

[BossMark]

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

[Matador.es]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least "8 characters long and include at least one capital"

[Matador.es]

This joke was told to me by a man, who had been imprisoned in Russia after the October ’56 revolution in Hungary. I visited him with my father, who worked with this man during the Cold War. It’s a bit long, but worth the reading;

At the interpols headquarters in Lyon a competition of world’s best detective was held. In the final were 3 agencies competing for the title; a Scotland Yard (SY) detective from GB, an FBI agent from the USA and a KGB officer from the USSR. All candidates were told that in the room next doors would be 1 table with one object on it. The objective was to investigate the object and report the results as soon as possible. First to go was the Scotland Yard detective. The man entered the room and found a scull on top of the table. A short glance on the scull revealed the man that this was a scull of an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. Immediately the SY detective left the room and reported the jury. On the jury’s inquiry how he knew all this the man replayed it was just a matter of experience he had gained with SY.

Second was the FBI. As soon as he entered the room he opened his laptop and attached plugs to the scull. About 5 minutes later he reported to the jury it was a scull of an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. The jury wanted to know how he got this conclusion on which the FBI agent explained the jury he had written the Egyptian hieroglyphics on the inside of the man’s scull. Impressed by the method of investigating the jury concluded the FBI was now in second place and asked the KGB Officer to enter the room to do his investigation.

After 5 minutes there was return of the KGB officer what delighted the FBI. After half an hour there was still no other sign of the officer except of heavy sounds coming from the room. After an hour comes out the KGB officer, sweating, breathing, and whispering with the last breath he has; I know wat it is, I know what it is, it is an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. “And how did you came to this conclusion?” the jury asked. “I made him confess” the KGB officer replied.

[Jimbuna]

I was liv when someone nicked my id.

[TLAM Strike]

This joke was told to me by a man, who had been imprisoned in Russia after the October ’56 revolution in Hungary. I visited him with my father, who worked with this man during the Cold War. It’s a bit long, but worth the reading;

At the interpols headquarters in Lyon a competition of world’s best detective was held. In the final were 3 agencies competing for the title; a Scotland Yard (SY) detective from GB, an FBI agent from the USA and a KGB officer from the USSR. All candidates were told that in the room next doors would be 1 table with one object on it. The objective was to investigate the object and report the results as soon as possible. First to go was the Scotland Yard detective. The man entered the room and found a scull on top of the table. A short glance on the scull revealed the man that this was a scull of an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. Immediately the SY detective left the room and reported the jury. On the jury’s inquiry how he knew all this the man replayed it was just a matter of experience he had gained with SY.

Second was the FBI. As soon as he entered the room he opened his laptop and attached plugs to the scull. About 5 minutes later he reported to the jury it was a scull of an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. The jury wanted to know how he got this conclusion on which the FBI agent explained the jury he had written the Egyptian hieroglyphics on the inside of the man’s scull. Impressed by the method of investigating the jury concluded the FBI was now in second place and asked the KGB Officer to enter the room to do his investigation.

After 5 minutes there was return of the KGB officer what delighted the FBI. After half an hour there was still no other sign of the officer except of heavy sounds coming from the room. After an hour comes out the KGB officer, sweating, breathing, and whispering with the last breath he has; I know wat it is, I know what it is, it is an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. “And how did you came to this conclusion?” the jury asked. “I made him confess” the KGB officer replied.

Reminds me of this one:
The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!"

[Jimbuna]

The optician in Specsavers led me to the examination room. When we got inside she, turned off the light and sat directly across from me. She then smiled at me, asked me to put my chin on some sort of head rest and mentioned something about a 'blowing sensation'

And that, your honour, is why I thought she wanted me to remove my trousers

[BossMark]

A blonde from San Francisco who loves Chinese food decided to take a trip to
Asia. Her friends suggested she go to Hong Kong to sample the famous Dim Sum restaurants.

Two weeks later she returns, extremely disappointed.

"Well?", asked her friend. "How was the food?"

"Hong Kong is an exciting place", said the blonde, "But I couldn't find Chinatown!"

[Herr-Berbunch]

The woman who botoxed her 8year old for beauty pageants lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.

[Jimbuna]

So a Scottish couple have won £161 million on the Euromillions...

Unlucky Greece, better luck next month

[BossMark]

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[Jimbuna]

Who's the biggest terrorist left on this planet? I've been breeding some really angry rabbits.

Tell me who the biggest terrorist is and I'll soon have him in my cross hares.

[BossMark]

An Irishman wearing nothing but Wellington's goes up to the top of a block of flats and jumps off. The Police and some eyewitnesses are standing round the body talking when a Policeman says, "It looked as though he committed suicide then. He went up to the top and just jumped."
Then one of the dead mans friends came up to the little group and said, "He did not commit suicide. He thought he could fly."
"But he had no wings," said the Policeman, "He was just wearing Wellington's."
"I know," replied the dead mans friend, "Someone told him earlier this morning that his grandfather flew in Wellington's during the Second World War."

[Sailor Steve]

Three sailors walking along a beach when they find a lamp. One of them rubs it and a genie appears. He tells them that he can grant three wishes, which means they get one wish apiece, starting with the youngest.

"I want to live in Tahiti, with my own yacht and naked island girls following me everywhere!" says the young swab.

"Granted!" says the genie, and the young sailor disappears. "Next?"

The second sailor quickly says "I want a mansion in Hollywood, with a pool, a dozen different fine cars, dozens of beautiful women who all love me! Oh, and ten million dollars in the bank!"

"Granted!" says the genie, and that sailor disappears as well. He turns to the last man and asks "And your wish?"

The grizzled old chief says "I want both of those bums back on board first thing tomorrow morning!"

[BossMark]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.....

[Jimbuna]

I took my driving test yesterday and only got two minors!



Unfortunately I only noticed them as they hit the windscreen.

[Sailor Steve]

Took me a minute to figure out that "minor" must also mean "demerit" in Britishese.

Anyway, a guy is walking along the beach when he finds a lamp (they must dump these things out of planes or something). As with the earlier story the genie is poor and can only give one wish. The man says "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, so I can drive over there any time I want.

The genie says "What? Do you have any idea just how hard that is? Even magic has its limits! Imagine the stress problems. The foundations would have to be thousands of feet deep. Anti-wind and anti-wave controls. It's impossible, I tell you! Make another wish."

"I want to understand women."

The genie stares at him for a minute, and says "Two lanes or four?"

[BossMark]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he's ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high. So, he sits down next to him and asks, "How is that you have such a small head?"
The man replies, "Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes.
My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home."
poof
The man continues, "A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home."
poof
The man goes on, "After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, 'How about a little head?'"

[Jimbuna]

I'm like a God in my Kid's eyes,

They are told that I created them, but they have never seen me.

[Flaxpants]

Why do hippos make love underwater?

How else do you moisten a 32lb vagina?

[Jimbuna]

My disabled mate just lost it the other day, shouting at me, asking what was so different about us really?

I said, 'Well, I am free to live my life how I want, I have no restrictions, I have a bright future ahead of me! Whereas you... You're married...'

[Sailor Steve]

How many ultra-feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One...and it's NOT funny! :stare:

[Platapus]

How many Air Force Academy Graduate Fighter Pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. He simply holds on to it and the whole Air Force revolves around him.

[BossMark]

Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.

[Jimbuna]

My next door neighbour has been diagnosed with depression. Serves him right for being such a miserable sod if you ask me.

[BossMark]

Two men applied for the same position. They had the same qualifications. In order to determine which to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test. Both men missed only one of the questions. The manager said to the first applicant, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“But why? We both answered 9 out of the 10 questions correctly,” said the rejected applicant.
“We based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the manager. “Your fellow applicant put down for #5, ‘I don’t know the answer.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.

[Jimbuna]

I have taken up hand gliding. I feel so free riding the thermals.

I just make sure I put them back in the wife's underwear draw before she notices them missing.

[Sailor Steve]

So "hand" gliding wasn't a typo... :shucks:






Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,392:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed...

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,

4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,

53 to flame the spell checkers,

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique,
and what brands are faulty,

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs,

12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing,

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"

45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy,

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ,

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here, and 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[antikristuseke]

I thought i heard my next door neighbours shagging last night, all i could hear was moaning and loud banging on the wall. It turns out her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to get my attention with her stick.........

Still, It was an awsome wank

[Jimbuna]

I was called in to school to see the teacher today.

"We're a bit concerned about Lucy, Mr Carter as she seems disturbed about something. She spends a lot of time in the girls toilets and refuses to get changed for PE."

"That is worrying." I agreed, scratching my chin. "When she leaves for school she's Michael."

[BossMark]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[Jimbuna]

I've realised today that no matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.

[BossMark]

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[Jimbuna]

A little less 'sexualised' if you please...we are heading toward the level of what is not acceptable here.

[antikristuseke]

My bad, I'll now head in another direction of bad taste.

What's better than winning gold medal in special olympics?

ICE CREEEAAAM!

[BossMark]

Soz Jim got a little carried away:oops:



A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

[Hottentot]

1966. The president of Estonia, Aleksander Warma, calls Leonid Brezhnev in Moscow. The following discussion ensues:
"Hello, comrade Brezhnev"
"Hello, comrade Warma. How are the happy people of the Estonian Soviet Socialist Republic doing today?"
"That's what I'm calling you about, comrade Brezhnev. They are not happy."
"How is that possible?!"
"Well see, they have this new liberal idea they have absorbed from the decadent west. They want to be independent."
"Independent? But they are independent!" Brezhnev yells. "They are independent part of our glorious collective of Soviet Socialist Republics!"
"Yes, I know that comrade Brezhnev", Warma explains. "But they won't believe it anymore."
"Well" Brezhnev sighs. "Very well. I shall send two tank divisions and..."
"No, no, no, comrade Brezhnev, please listen to me!" Warma says. "I have a plan! With it, we can appease the dumb masses without tanks, while still not really appeasing them."
"Tanks gasoline is expensive these days, comrade Warma", Brezhnev admits. "I'm listening."
"Comrade Brezhnev, please let us be independent for six hours. Just six hours."
"Six hours? And then what?"
"Then the people shall realize, that the true happiness lies in being part of the glorious Soviet system and want to come back voluntarily. They will never again want to be independent after such experience."
"Hmm", Brezhnev thinks. "Alright, comrade Warma, you have convinced me. From this moment on, there shall be the independent republic of Estonia for the next six hours. And then I don't ever want to hear such nonsense again. Goodbye!"

An hour passes. The phone in Moscow rings again. Brezhnev picks up and hears Warma's voice.
"Hello, comrade Brezhnev, from independent republic of Estonia. On behalf of the people, I want to thank you for our independence."
"Yes, yes, yes", Brezhnev replies. "Now how is the experiment going?"
"Wonderfully, comrade Brezhnev!" Warma becomes excited. "We have even managed to cause our first international relations problem already!"
"How did you manage to do that?!"
"Well, I sort of called Lyndon Johnson a corrupted capitalist pig dog and also explained how it was the Americans themselves that assassinated Kennedy. Oh, and then I said that we should have nuked them from Cuba in 1962."
"Hah, serves the imperialist idiot right!" Brezhnev applauds. "Of course, this is now your problem, comrade Warma. The Soviet Union would never tinker with the affairs of its independent neighbors. No, never, honest to Lenin."
"Of course, comrade Brezhnev. I will keep you updated."

Another hour passes and the phone rings again. Warma calls and he sounds panicked.
"Comrade Brezhnev, comrade Brezhnev! The evil American imperialists have declared war on us for the truths I told them an hour ago!"
"Oh", Brezhnev wonders. "Well, try not to get the factories destroyed. We want them back and working, when your independence ends in four hours."
"Yes, comrade Brezhnev!"

Half an hour passes and the phone rings once more. It's Warma again and he sounds like he had just won in a lottery.
"Comrade Brezhnev, I bring you happy news! We no longer want to be independent!"
"But you still have time?" Brezhnev is puzzled. "Did the people realize their mistake already and are willing to come back now?"
"Not at all, comrade Brezhnev. Instead we surrendered to the Americans and accepted unconditionally that they shall be occupying our country, starting now."
"What?!"
"Sucks to be you, commie!" Warma laughs and ends the call.

[Hottentot]

2005. Phone rings in Moscow and Putin picks up. He hears someone speaking very heavily accented English with drunken voice.
"Hey you?! Is this the Russkie big dude?!"
"This is Vladimir Putin speaking", he gives a confused reply.
"Oh yeah?! OK! Well this is Arska!" The voice yells. "From Finland!"
"Arska from Finland", Putin sounds somewhat amused. "And why are you calling me?"
"We declare war on you!" Arska says confidently.
"Who?" Putin becomes even more confused. "You alone?"
"No!" Arska barks. "We! Here in the bar with me are at least ten guys who are fed up with you and your stupid country and we are not going to stand it anymore! Oh, and then we have Kake's old Trabant that we are going to turn into an armored doomsday device. We are declaring war on you and will take Karelia back!"
"So you and ten other people plus a Trabant are going to declare war on Russia?" Putin confirms. "And surely you must be aware, that the Russian ground forces consist of 20,000 tanks, 50,000 APCs and approximately 1,000,000 men in arms?"
"Well, uh..." Arska backs off. "I'll get back to you!"

Next day the phone rings again. Putin sighs, picks up and hears a familiar voice.
"Russkie, is that you?! This is Arska again!"
"Yes?"
"We are still declaring war on you!" Arska is confident after few rounds in the bar. "And now we have a navy too!"
"A navy?"
"Yeah! Pena had an inflatable boat. We are going to pump it full of air and land on St. Petersburg. You won't know what hit you!"
"And", Putin sighs again. "Are you aware, that the Russian navy consists of 10 aircraft carriers, 1,000 cruisers, 5,000 submarines and 10,000 destroyers? Oh, and because of your yesterday's threatening I have decided to increase the number of our soldiers to 3,000,000."
"Huh?" Arska backs off again. "Well...this isn't over! You'll see!"

Next day, another call. Putin doesn't want to pick up, but knows it might be something important. It isn't.
"Russkie? Arska here! Listen! I just wanted to warn you, that now we don't only have what I told you about before, but also an airforce!"
"Oh really", Putin yawns.
"Yeah! Masa said that we could make a hot air balloon, fly over Moscow and bomb you personally with it! So you'd better give Karelia back to us!"
"Arska, my friend, now listen", Putin interrupts. "I appreciate that you want Karelia back and you don't like me, Russia, or the Russians, but you are just being ridiculous here now. First of all: the Russian airforce consists of 20,000 fighter planes, 30,000 bombers and we also have enough guns on the ground to shoot your balloon down on the border. Plus, just to annoy you, I have decided to increase our army size to 10,000,000 men. So how about you just go sober up and we'll forget these discussions ever happened?"
"Ten...million", Arska goes quiet. "As in one and then seven zeroes?"
"Yes, exactly."
"Oh", Arska starts wondering. "I'll call you in a moment!"

In a moment, all too sort in Putin's opinion, the phone rings once more. He picks up and doesn't even bother to say anything. Instead, Arska starts speaking.
"Hey, Russkie, good news for you. We have decided not to declare war on you after all."
"Oh my", Putin tries to play excited. "I'm so glad to hear that."
"Yeah", Arska continues. "We talked for a while with the guys and concluded that we could never find enough food to feed ten million prisoners of war."

[BossMark]

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knocking,' pal. There's no paper."

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting down eating a yogurt the other day when my girlfriend told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with nursery rhymes..


And then the cow ran away with the spoon!

[BossMark]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mummy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."