The joke thread

[BossMark]

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says
“Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

[BossMark]

Old Trafford
If I was a moderator I would give you a warning for foul and abusive language :haha:

[Jimbuna]

If I was a moderator I would give you a warning for foul and abusive language :haha:

Ah but you isn't and perhaps I should give you a warning for threatening a moderator :)

:03:

[Jimbuna]

Our family surname is "Daniels". So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.

She hates it.

[BossMark]

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centrefold is the exact same woman.

[Jimbuna]

So the sprinklers went off over the crowd at Anfield yesterday...

The water soon dried up though....Due to all the spongers in the crowd.

[BossMark]

Ever since our son started going to the gym, my wife has been complimenting him about how good his body looks.

I only had to mention our daughter's body once, and I'm a disgusting pervert.

[BossMark]

t's nice to see Liverpool FC giving something back to their fans-

In half time they turned the sprinklers on them to give them a rare, well-needed wash.

[Jimbuna]

I'm in no way advocating throwing a Catholic on a bonfire to commemorate Guy Fawkes Night.

On a separate note, if you do happen to see Tony Blair...

[Jimbuna]

Apparently, today is "National Text Your Ex Day"

I doubt you can even get reception at the bottom of a lake.

[BossMark]

My brother laughs at my job making the 'Monopoly' board game.

Just because he works at the Royal Mint, and makes serious money.

[BossMark]

Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancée.
She said she never once had reason to suspect he was a paedophile, in all their 25 years of marriage

[Jimbuna]

A gorgeous blonde came up to me in a club last night and said, "Are you going to take me home later?"

I said, "Sorry, but I've got my eye on her other there."

She said, "That fat, ugly bitch. What's she got that I haven't?"

I said, "Parents that have won the lottery."

[Jimbuna]

Auction at the fish market:

"And now fifteen crates of plaice will come under the hammer!" calls out the auctioneer.

"Wow," says Paddy. "I always thought they were flat when you caught them."

[BossMark]

Went to a wife swapping party last night we had to throw our car keys into a bowl and pick another set..

I got a nice one year old BMW, I thought that was a great swap for the wife

[BossMark]

A vet was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor was asking her all the usual questions about the symptoms when she interrupted him,

"Look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients questions like that. I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, then wrote out a prescription.

"There you are. And if that doesn't work, we'll just have to have you put down."

[Jimbuna]

There's a team on Eggheads called One Sense Less - they're all hard of hearing!

Hope it doesn't go to "sudden deaf"!

[Jimbuna]

I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.

"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.

"Your thong," I replied with a wink.

Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

[BossMark]

"Dad! Are we having fireworks tonight?"

"You can bet on it son. Just found out your mother's been having an affair."

[BossMark]

I regret buying a 'Home Wine Making Kit' off the internet.

I opened my parcel today and all I got was a pair of sticks with 2 plastic feet on the end and bunch of grapes.

[Jimbuna]

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

[Jimbuna]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[Jimbuna]

A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

[BossMark]

"No racist, sexist, sectarian or homophobic chanting," said the football steward.

" Bugger off," I replied.

"And no swearing," he said, "and can I have your autograph after you've taken the corner."

[BossMark]

Brought this bird home last night..

I must have been well pissed as I do not remember breaking in to the pet shop below my flat

[Jimbuna]

I went to the Jobcentre earlier, to see if they had anything for me.

The girl said, 'We have a few positions in data entry.'

'Sorry,' I replied, 'but I can't use a computer.'

'You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Are you mentally handicapped?'

'No,' I replied, 'but it's one of my bail conditions.'

[Jimbuna]

My wife bought her own chicken coup for the back garden.

"Just think, fresh eggs every morning." she said.

"Sounds good," I replied, "scrambled eggs on Saturday, roast chicken on the Sunday."

[BossMark]

Sir Alex Ferguson has completed 26 years at Man Utd!

Well more like 30 if you add on all the injury time!

[BossMark]

As my wife lay dead on the floor and the weapon next to her the detective said, "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"I was cleaning it and it went off", I replied.
"It's a bloody bow and arrow", He shouted.

[Jimbuna]

I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.

I knew it was a crap squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

[Jimbuna]

I believe I could have beaten Obama and become president!.... but i will fulfill my ambition one day and be the first dyslexic person to be elected for the united states of Arabia.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Apparantly the Chinese are very happy with the erection result. :03:

[BossMark]

"And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling minorities, women and gays!" - Mitt Romney

[BossMark]

So the BBC have banned a Robbie Williams song on Radio 1 as "it's not in the interests of younger listeners"

Well you played a blinder with Jimmy Savile didn't you!

[Jimbuna]

Alex Ferguson has been questioned by police about dealings with counterfeit DVDs.

It was resolved when Fergie explained it was a training DVD he had made for Wayne Rooney, which he wrote on the disc with a marker pen 'Shrek'.

[Jimbuna]

I came home from the pub really drunk last night.

As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"

"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up, "Just let me get my coat."

[BossMark]

I've been told that I will lose my job seekers allowance if a don't attend a job interview tomorrow.

I'd rather keep my dignity than be the manager of Scotland.

[BossMark]

The Manchester City shop is now offering European holidays..

They cost about £100m and you only go about half as far as you hoped you'd get.

[Jimbuna]

What does EIDOS, Manchester Cities sponser stand for?
ELEVEN IDIOTS DREAMING OF SUCCESS!

[Jimbuna]

A Manchester City fan came down to Wembley for the Cup Final. As he didn't have a ticket he asked a tout outside the gates how much the cheapest one cost. '£75,' said the tout. '£75!' said the fan. 'Back in Manchester I could get a woman for that!'
'Maybe,' said the tout. 'But you wouldn't get an hour and a half with the Band of the Coldstream Guards in the interval!'

[BossMark]

My wife and girlfriend's birthdays both fall on the exact same date.

They've both dumped me now though, I got their presents mixed up.

I gave my wife the size 6 bikini and my girlfriend the Weight Watchers voucher.

[Jimbuna]

I've got a habit of sticking my nose in where it's not wanted.

And that's why I'm no longer a gynaecologist.

[BossMark]

My wife told me today my teenage son isn't mine.

So I went straight out to see my solicitor. He said, "What do you want a divorce?"

"No," I said. "All the pocket money back off the bastard."

[Jimbuna]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Gerald]

^:salute:

[Jimbuna]

During a recent outing, Harry sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself. Your 10 year old daughter will die a violent and horrible death this year: she will be raped and tortured."

Visibly shaken, Harry stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question.

"Will I get away with it?"

[BossMark]

The wife and I indulged in a little role playing a few years ago:

I played the bloke who slaved his guts out for 7 years to buy us a house

and she played the bitch who took it all off me and moved her new boyfriend in!

[Jimbuna]

^ LOL...never a truer word :)

[BossMark]

Ally McCoist has said he is interested in the Scotland job.

He already knows how to manage a Third Division side.

[Jimbuna]

A Scotland football fan, out walking his dog in a Glasgow street, came across an old bottle from which a genie appeared, offering the man a wish (the usual way with bottles and genies in Glasgow). Startled, the fan asks if his dog could win at Crufts National Dog Show. The genie looks at the flea-bitten, limping dog and replies "I'm not a miracle worker. Think of another wish." The fan then asks "Can you make Scotland beat England 3-0?" The genie immediately says "Let me have another look at your dog."

[Sailor Steve]

he's the famous erudite scientist
Hardly a scientist of any type. He's a stand-up comic, and I've been a fan for more than two decades.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5ErMolRE8M

[Jimbuna]

I thought it was quite a comical way of describing him actually....dry as sticks sort :)

[BossMark]

Mitt Romney's presidential quest was very much like Man City in the Champions league....
2 years of campaigning, multi-millions spent, even a glimmer of hope late on, but come midnight last night barring a miracle the game was all but over

[Jimbuna]

I bumped into an old mate last week, he said:

"I heard you lost your wife, tough break."

"Yeah, it was hard to take" I said, "9 times out of 10 a full-house is a winning hand."

[BossMark]

David Cameron was handed a list of Tory paedophiles live on air this morning.

It was basically Jimmy Savile's Christmas card list.

[BossMark]

Celtic fan Rod Stewart started crying uncontrollably after they beat Barcelona.....

He'd put 50p on a Barcelona win.

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron: "I look forward to working with Barack Obama for the next four years."

Two years, Dave, two years.

[Jimbuna]

My mate loved living life in the fast lane.

He eventually got run over and killed on the Autobahn.

[BossMark]

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.

"Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..."

"Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!"

I smiled back.

"Condoms?" she said.

"No," I said.

"Suppositories?" she said.

"No," I said.

"Tampons?"

"No."

"Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile.

"Paracetamol," I said.

"Paracetamol?" she gave me a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?"

Then I pulled out my little pink purse.

[Jimbuna]

What do I and Lance Armstrong have in common?

Neither of us have won Tour de France.

[BossMark]

With these allegations about a paedophile ring with well known conservatives doing the rounds,
Gary Glitter has released a press statement through his solicitors stating;
"At no time have I ever been a conservative"

[Jimbuna]

I took a ring into Cash Converters to sell.
The guy said, "I'm not being funny but is this stolen?".
I said, "No, of course not".
He said, "Well, whose finger is this then?".

[BossMark]

My new girlfriend persuaded me not to go to the pub and take her out.

Whilst we were out,i began to feel horny so i started rubbing her thigh gently.

''Mark',she winked,''we've known each other for few days now...so go ahead''

so i left her and drove to the pub.

[BossMark]

My dad used to say the woman in your life means 3 rings.
Engagement ring....
Wedding ring....
Eternity ring....
He forgot suffering....

[Jimbuna]

I was in my psychiatrists waiting room , my beliefs have become fruit full, I have been paying £784.00 a month for 3 years, for some one to believe me when I told them i should have been born a vacuum cleaner, when hearing Dr.smarmsy say to his wife....thats the sucker right there..... I knew every penny had been worth it.

[Jimbuna]

As I arrived at 221b Baker Street I couldn't help noticing something strange by the front door. Upon entering I enquired of my colleague,
" I say Holmes, there appears to be a small rodent with a rifle standing to attention outside the front door, seems a bit strange if you ask me."
Holmes finished sipping his cocaine laced tea, looked at me and replied,

"Ah yes, that's a lemming sentry, my dear Watson."

[BossMark]

I lost my house in a game of poker last night.
I can't believe how lucky the other guy got.
Five bloody aces.

[Jimbuna]

I pulled into the supermarket car-park and a bloke came up to me carrying a bucket and a sponge.

"Wash your car mate?"

I can't at the moment, I'm going shopping," I replied. "How about I do it Sunday?"

[BossMark]

Remembrance Sunday is always an upsetting time for my wife.


2 minutes silence is such a struggle.

[Jimbuna]

I entered a building that had a big flashing sign outside advertising hot sex - Cheap rates! I was thrown out by the manager. How was I to know the Hotel Essex had a problem with its neon lighting?

[BossMark]

Watching a replay of the John Terry incident. I haven't seen him hit the deck that quickly since he heard Wayne Bridge put the key in the front door

[Jimbuna]

Speaking to the media earlier today, John Terry said it wouldn't be all bad if his injury keeps him out the rest of the season...

"At least I'll have time to finish watching my box sets of 'Love thy neighbour' and 'In sickness and in health'..."

[BossMark]

I received a phone call from an claims company today.

"Have you had an accident in the last 6 months, either at work or in the car?"

"Yes I have actually." I confessed, "It was at work, whilst sat at my desk."

"I see..." came the reply, "And did you think about suing the company?"

"No, I just went home and changed my underpants."

[Jimbuna]

Leeds United Football Club yesterday confirmed something really dodgy was going on after officially naming Ken Bates chairman and warning no one to check the secret underground layer below Elland Road. Bates has reportedly purchased current Leeds United owners FSF Limited for an undisclosed fee, to satisfy the needs of the Football League, and the former Chelsea chairman insisted that absolutely no one should try and contact his Cuban accountant for confirmation.

[BossMark]

The Doctor phoned me to see how I was getting on with the medication.

"The laxatives you prescribed worked a treat doc," I said. "Unfortunately, so did the sleeping pills."

[Jimbuna]

As my son sat in his wheelchair I could see a tinge of sadness in his eyes watching me play football with his brother.
He said, "I wanna play."
I said, "I know it's hard, son, but you can't."
He said, "Dad, it's my Xbox."

[BossMark]

Camilla Parker-Bowles is to accompany Prince Charles on this year's Boxing Day Hunt.

Strange. I thought it was illegal to hunt with hounds nowadays.

[Jimbuna]

Home Secretary Theresa May confirms there was a "poking incident" between the Duchess of Cornwall and one of the protesters who attacked her car on Thursday.

"Did he use a cattle prod by any chance?"

[BossMark]

So Nadine Dorries manages to slip the Conservative Party Whips and pisses off unnoticed to Australia.

Julian Assange must be wondering how he bloody missed that one......

[Jimbuna]

As I sat at the traffic lights, a policeman drove up beside me and said, "Step out please, sir".
I said, "Is there a problem, officer?".
He said, "I have reason to believe you're drunk, sir".
I said, "Drunk?! I'm just an honest bloke trying to get home".
He said, "Well you're not going to get very far in that wheely bin".

[BossMark]

Chelsea are saying that John Terry will be back after Christmas and he'll be as good as new.

I'm guessing he's going to be visited by the Klansman of Seasons Past, Present and Future.

[Jimbuna]

I got down on one knee and said to my girlfriend, "Make me the second happiest man in the world."

"Second? Why who would the first be?"

"My mate, have you saw how slender his wife is?"

[BossMark]

My blonde girlfriend was solving the crossword in today's newspaper.

She asked, "What's the answer to this... A beverage, 3 letters and begins with T ? "

I said, "Tea?"

"Yes the first letter is T, what about the other two? "

[Jimbuna]

As I picked up the shiny trophy at the end of a hard 90 minutes I screamed "To the pub boys, to the pub!"

"Just give me my mother's ashes Dave, and get of out this church" My wife screamed.

[Nippelspanner]

Evil, Jim, evil... and yet so good!:haha:

[Jimbuna]

Evil, Jim, evil... and yet so good!:haha:

LOL :03:

[BossMark]

"What are you doing!?" Screamed the wife.
"Playing the new Call of Duty. It's fab!"
"I don't believe it!! You have a list of jobs to do as long as my arm and you sit there playing computer games!?"
"It's all about planning and preparation, love. "
"You don't look to be doing much planning and preparation right now!"
"Oh, I am. I do it all in my head. Right now I'm planning the re-laying of the patio." I said, whilst looking her up and down and calculating her size and weight....

[Jimbuna]

Horse Racing officials have apologised to Frankie Dettori after a random drug test showed excessively high amounts of testosterone.

It appears his blood sample got mixed up with Clare Balding's.

[BossMark]

Eastern Australia has just been mass evacuated after a meteor was spotted that would strike the Earth imminently.

That was until its parachute opened and Rosemary Shrager landed in the jungle.

[Jimbuna]

A police car topped a bloke walking along the Street at 2 in the morning when asked where he was going he said "To a lecture on the Perils of drinking ,smoking and late nights".

Oh yeah and who's giving this lecture at 2 in the morning then?" Asked the policeman.

My wife.

[BossMark]

:har::har::haha:^^^^ oh boy so bloody funny and very very true Jim

[BossMark]

Dave Lee Travis arrested.

Cue sound effects:
"Quack Quack Oops"

[Jimbuna]

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/4987/chalkoneup.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/196/chalkoneup.jpg/)

[Jimbuna]

Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay.

I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.

[U570]

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/4987/chalkoneup.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/196/chalkoneup.jpg/)
Really? How many of these posts are there on Subsim thanks to you, Jim? :o

[Jimbuna]

I was shopping at Tesco and I didn't notice that my 4-year-old son had wandered off until the announcement over the tannoy:

"Will the father of Jason, who has ginger hair and is wearing a One Direction tee-shirt and National Health glasses, please come to Customer Services."

Panicking, I immediately abandoned my trolley, and crept out of the shop as inconspicuously as I could.

[BossMark]

I started chatting to a nice lady in the coffee shop earlier. She said, "Books are my passion. I've written 10 in my life."

"That's fantastic. What do you do in between writing books?"

"I have four children."

"Bloody hell. You've got 40 kids as well?"

[Jimbuna]

I'll never forget the last thing my wife said to me when she died last week - "See you in heaven darling."

Since then I've raped 5 women, murdered my boss and set the local orphanage on fire.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Sorry Mark, technically she'd only have 36 kids if she had four in between each book.

/pedantry

[Jimbuna]

What's the most popular bumper sticker in Afghanistan?

"My other car is ticking."

[BossMark]

I was watching Terry Wogan presenting Children in Need and thought he looks so cool under pressure.

It can't be easy knowing you're next.

[Jimbuna]

"I'm sick and tired of getting all these foreign coins in my change" said my blonde girlfreind.

"Yes happens a lot when you're abroad" I told her.

[BossMark]

'Do you come here often?'

Not really the best chat up line to tell a fat bird at the gym.

[Jimbuna]

My grandad was shot 5 times during the war.

He was a real liability when he had a gun in his hand.

[BossMark]

The kidnapper rang and said to me, "£10,000 and you get your wife back."

"Negotiate with him!" advised the policeman.

"£20,000 and she's all yours." I said.

[Jimbuna]

I went to the garage this morning for petrol. The first pump wouldn't work, the second wouldn't nor the third. I went into the shop and said to the blonde girl behind the counter, "Have you got your pumps on?"

She said, "No, I'm wearing Ugg Boots."

[BossMark]

Ever since my wife left me for being an alcoholic, I can't stop drinking about her.

[Jimbuna]

I was shocked when my psychiatrist told me I was imagining things.

I'm not seeing a psychiatrist.

[BossMark]

I'm currently in a relationship with a weather girl.

I thought it would make a change to see a woman who wasn't right all the time.

[Jimbuna]

My wife says our teenage daughter can't wait for her to give birth to her little baby sister next week.However she keeps insisting on naming the baby herself.

I think Billy Bob's losing her mind.

[BossMark]

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

[Jimbuna]

In Greece, employment and unemployment are the same thing.

You can get a job easily but the only problem is that no one pays you.

[BossMark]

My wife spent 5 hours in town getting a makeover for her birthday today. Eventually she rang me.

"There's a gorgeous woman here who wants to spend the evening with you!" she said.

"We were supposed to be having a meal together," I replied, "but sure, put her on."

[Jimbuna]

The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I'd write this joke, while I wait for the kettle to boil.

[BossMark]

My wife looked up from her crossword. "What's the currency in Greece?" she asked.

"I don't know," I replied. "I haven't watched the news this morning."

[Jimbuna]

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.

They had been queuing for three weeks to see Closed For The Winter.

[BossMark]

I really don't like going for a piss in my local pub.

But Carlsberg is the only lager they serve.

[Jimbuna]

When I was walking into Tesco today a kid handed me a fiver and asked me to get him 10 Richmond...when I left the shop I said sorry lad I could only get 8 and handed him his sausages.

[BossMark]

David Beckham has released a statement saying he has no plans to play football in Australia.

He said after watching The Sound of Music, he doesn't fancy the place.

[Jimbuna]

As a student,i'm searching for an industrial trainning attachment position.A job that doesn't even last long but will fetch me a huge sum of money.At the end the duration the onwer will pay me off with a fat cheque.

I'm still waiting for my managerial job application at chelsea to be proccessed. As a student,i'm searching for an industrial trainning attachment position.A job that doesn't even last long but will fetch me a huge sum of money.At the end the duration the onwer will pay me off with a fat cheque.

I'm still waiting for my managerial job application at chelsea to be proccessed. As a student,i'm searching for an industrial trainning attachment position.A job that doesn't even last long but will fetch me a huge sum of money.At the end the duration the onwer will pay me off with a fat cheque.

i'm still waiting for my managerial job application at chelsea to be proccessed.

[BossMark]

After the sacking of Di Matteo, Chelsea are now looking for a manager that is going to fit right in with the club.

My money is on Ron Atkinson coming out of retirement.

[Jimbuna]

My wife came in from the shops to find me packing my bags. "What's going on here?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, Jane," I replied. "I can't lie to you any more, I'm seeing someone else."

"What's she like?" asked the wife, with her lip now quivering.

I replied, "She's a 19 year old topless model who insists on sex three times a day. Her dad owns a pub and she likes me to go out with the lads on a Friday."

"Is there any point in me asking you to change your mind?" she pleaded.

"You know, I'll miss your sense of humour," I said, walking out the door.

[BossMark]

The bookies have started taking bets on who'll be the next Chelsea manager..

to get sacked.

[Jimbuna]

So Roberto Di Matteo is now officially out of the running for..

Chelsea's Manager Of The Season Award.

[BossMark]

First Premier League manager sacked.

QPR can't even win that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

So Roberto Di Matteo has been sacked as manager of Chelsea,

I think I speak on behalf of all QPR fans here, that Mark Hughes is the best man for the job.

[Jimbuna]

I've been thinking about getting some short term work over the Christmas period

So I decided to apply for the Chelsea job

[Jimbuna]

It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

[BossMark]

Rafa Benitez has promised to put the past behind him and make himself more popular with the Chelsea supporters, starting by signing Anton Ferdinand and making him captain.

[Jimbuna]

Take Thats "Relight my Fire" is what Fernando Torres was singing to Rafa Benitez this morning during training.

[BossMark]

Rafa Benitez is the new Chelsea manager. At least that means he won't be doing those annoying Go Compare adverts any more.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend said she's going away this Christmas because she can't stand my stupid sexual innuendo jokes.

Oh well, looks like I'll be pulling my own cracker this year

[BossMark]

When my wife came in from work I said to her, "The tea is made, it took me ages, but I got there in the end."

"Oh, wonderful," she said, "what is it?"

"Tetleys."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend just proposed to me.

"I can't marry you" I replied.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because my surname is Bishop, and women can't become them."

[BossMark]

As part of his contract, Rafa Benitez has the use of a Luxury Car, an Executive Apartment in Chelsea Village and a company phone with a 30 day Pay As You Go Sim.

[Jimbuna]

How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a Lightbulb?

They don't know. The lightbulb usually outlasts them.

[Jimbuna]

I woke up this morning on my 30th birthday, looked in the mirror and was disgusted with what I saw.

Gone was the once youthful good looks, the hair tinged with grey and just an all round sign that no effort was put into maintaining a decent figure.

And to think, my wife used to be so proud of her appearance.

[BossMark]

The Doctor drew the curtains around my hospital bed.

"I'm afraid it's bad news Mr Evans," he said. "The tumour is inoperable.. You have only weeks to live."

"I'm not bothered," I nonchalantly replied.

He looked at me curiously, "May I ask why not?"

"Certainly. My name's Foster. Mr Evans is in the bed opposite."

[Jimbuna]

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"Watch it you jerk" he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

[Jimbuna]

I remember the day I was adopted at ten.

I said to my parents, "Why are you doing this?"

They replied, "We believe you can enrich our lives."

I asked, "How?"

"By going to another family."

[BossMark]

Carlsberg don't do comebacks but I'm guessing if they did Ricky Hatton would be very much left out of their advertising campaign.

[Jimbuna]

After sharing a couple of bottles of wine last night my wife turned to me and said, "Would you still love me if I was in a wheelchair and you had to look after me?"

It caught me by surprise and left me feeling really awkward.

I just don't know where she got the idea that I love her.

[BossMark]

My dyslexic friend showed me his diary.

It was full of livestock, milk and cream.

[Jimbuna]

A fat, ugly, cross eyed ginger bird came dancing up next to me at a party.

"So, where are you from, handsome?" she smiled.

I said, "Earth, what about you?"

[BossMark]

My girlfriend asked me earlier where I saw myself in ten years time.

"Well, all being well I will be my own boss, I will have a nice big house, a luxury holiday home and be travelling around the world whenever the mood suits me" I said.

"That sounds amazing" she replied.

"It does doesn't it" I agreed. "What do you think you'll be doing?"

[Jimbuna]

15 minutes into Rafa Benitez' first game in charge of Chelsea owner Roman Abramovic has called an emergency board meeting.

Reports suggest Benitez has 75 minutes to save his job.

[BossMark]

Now we know why Ricky Hatton supports Manchester City, they both get knocked out by Europeans.

[Jimbuna]

A nun met a Scotsman one day, and as he was sporting a kilt, curiosity got the better of her and she asked him what was under it.
"You'd better have a feel for yourself", he tells her, so she went ahead and delved in.
"Ugghh!!" she said, "It's gruesome!"
"Aye lass," he replied happily, "It just grew some more...!"

[BossMark]

I've just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

[Jimbuna]

Me and my son went to live in Holland which meant he could no longer watch his beloved West Ham United, "You'll have to support a Dutch team now, son." I told him.

"Can I support Twente?" he asked.

I said, "No, son, just the one."

[BossMark]

Rafa Benitez has been sacked by Chelsea after his team failed to win the toss today.

[Jimbuna]

There's been a reported massive increase of mobile phone theft in Liverpool as Scousers rush to keep that eedjit Christopher Malony on X Factor.

[BossMark]

I went on a date with a stunning deaf girl off a dating site, "It says on your profile you're in a band?"

I slowly said, "Yes, you won't have heard of us."

[Jimbuna]

I've bought this years X Factor set at a charity auction and Louis Walsh was the first to congratulate me on my winning bid.

"You own the stage! You made it your own!" he gushed...

[BossMark]

My wife and I have a new arrangement.

I can sleep with any woman I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me any more.

[Jimbuna]

Following the success of Geordie Shore and Jersey Shore, they are going to release a new show based around Dublin.

To Be Shore.

[BossMark]

I've got the best seat in the house for the Justin Bieber concert tonight.

It's within spitting distance of him.

[Jimbuna]

After almost three hours of trying to burn my ex-wife's house down I gave up and went home.
If only she hadn't left me for an Eskimo.

[BossMark]

Following loud boos at Stamford Bridge, Roman Abramovich has sacked 40,000 fans and brought in interim fans for the remainder of the season

[Jimbuna]

I was laying down relaxing with my eyes closed last night when my wife walked into the room and said, "Why don't you take your tuxedo and shoes off?"

"Because I can't be bothered."

"Did you have a good evening?"

"Yes."

"How much did you have to drink?"

"What's with all the questions?" I said, "Can't you see I'm trying to have a bath?"

[BossMark]

I took my wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large; break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still bloody celebrating!!"

[Jimbuna]

3 out of 5 people think I'm really lazy when conducting a poll.

[BossMark]

I suspect they water the beer down in my local,every time the landlord pulls a pint a rainbow appears over the pump.

[Jimbuna]

I've started a social network for fish who want to meet up with other fish

It's called plaicebook

[BossMark]

So Joey Barton put on a French accent in an interview...

Being a Scouser..it was probably so the DSS didn't realise he's fiddling and stop his Dole.

[Jimbuna]

I phoned my wife today and said, "It's over you fat sod! So don't bother coming home tonight because you won't get in."

"Have you had the locks changed?" she asked.

"No, Ive had the door made narrower," I replied.

[BossMark]

My wife attempted to drive through some flood water, but the current was so strong that it washed her away. I'm heartbroken.

I loved that car

[Herr-Berbunch]

I've just heard that thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local shop.

I don't know how they can sleep at night.

[BossMark]

I must congratulate the makers of FIFA 13 for making a very realistic career mode.

I've lost one game with Chelsea and already been fired.

[Jimbuna]

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[BossMark]

Losing my wife was hard.

But I did it eventually.

[Jimbuna]

A drink driver hit me on my way to work this morning.

I only told the bus driver that he reeked of booze.

[BossMark]

I was arguing with my wife in the car earlier.

She said, "Do you know you haven't wished me happy birthday once today?"

I said, "Shut up you moaning cow, I'm taking you get a new dress, aren't I?"

"Right," she said. "For that, I'm picking the most expensive dress in the shop!"

"Go bloody mental," I replied, pulling into Primark's car park.

[Jimbuna]

A policeman pulled me over on the motorway today.

"Hang on a minute," I said to my wife on the phone. "Yes officer?"

He said, "You're talking on your mobile."

I said, "I know, I'm just telling my wife that I'm stuck in traffic and I may be home a few hours late."

"There is no traffic." he replied.

What a sod, I was winking at him as well.

[BossMark]

So Justin Bieber is confused as to why he got booed after singing at a Canadian football match..

It's easy Justin....They could hear.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the funeral parlour and asked, "Do you sell gift vouchers?"

"For a loved one?"

"Hardly."

[Jimbuna]

Alex Salmond is reportedly very worried following a recent survey. When asked which currency the Scots should have after gaining independence, 77% said they wanted to keep the Giro......

[BossMark]

I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night.


Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.

[Jimbuna]

I've got a pair of pants with the numbers 1 to 49 printed on them.

They're my national lottery draws.

[BossMark]

hate working for technical support when my blonde girlfriend calls.

"Hi, babe. The computer keeps freezing up, can you fix it for me?"

"I'll give it a shot, but follow my directions carefully." I said, "Now first I want you to click on 'my computer'

"How the hell am I supposed to do that, you git?! You're 10 miles away at work!" she raged before slamming the phone down.

[Jimbuna]

I like to do things with a bit of style and panache. I recently whisked the wife away to Paris.

When we got to the top of the Eiffel Tower, I asked her for a divorce.

[BossMark]

Back in the old days you needed a whole day to travel 50 miles.
Then the car was invented and people needed half an hour for the same distance.

So what have they done with the saved time?
They've built more cars and now they need a whole day again.

[Jimbuna]

I recorded every single episode of Hoarders on Sky+

Now I've got no more room for anything else.

[BossMark]

I told my boss that I'm working from home tomorrow.

"No you're bloody not" he replied.

"So how come Janet in accounts can?" I said.

"She doesn't drive an HGV".

[Jimbuna]

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

"It's Christmas, Eve"

[BossMark]

I walked in today and told my wife that I'd had 6 numbers come in on the lottery.

"Well I'll tell you what," she smugly said. "You can have the car, the house, all the money in our joint account plus you'll never see me again, on one condition... You give me that ticket."

"Deal!" I replied handing the ticket over. "They're spread over 5 lines."

[Jimbuna]

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up.

The DJ said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you
have to do is answer the following question correctly, to
win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a Masters in maths and am damn good at it," I
proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a "Justin Beiber's" concert and to meet him back stage. What is 2+2?"

I replied, "7"

[BossMark]

I'm so excited.

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas!

[Jimbuna]

As a man grows older, hair grows in places you don't want it to grow. It grows out of your ears. Down your back. On your wife's chin.

[BossMark]

Fair play to Freddie Flintoff for trying a sport he's not a natural at. And good luck Andy Carroll who will be doing the same for West ham.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the two irish men that broke into William Hill?

By the time the police arrived, they we're £50 down.

[BossMark]

Chelsea have named their new management team for next season.

Roger over and out.

[Jimbuna]

Rafa Benitez has just been named Manager Of the Month by Liverpool fans

[Jimbuna]

When the taxi driver dropped Rafa Benitez off for his first day at Chelsea.....

I bet he left the meter running.

[BossMark]

My Irish mate went to the bookies and put £1000 on the world ending on 21st December.

He tells me that if he's right he will win £25,000.

[Jimbuna]

I wonder how Wayne Rooney will go for Man Utd today, as it's common knowledge he has trouble with Reading.

[BossMark]

I saw this sexy young lady at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

I said "Hey gorgeous, do I come here often?"

[Jimbuna]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

"Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy" she replied.

So I bought her a pet mosquito.

[BossMark]

Arsene Wenger is a great manager.

Just ask Barcelona's Fabregas, Man City's Nasri or Man United's Van Persie.

[Jimbuna]

I was reading an article today about an Indonesian man, whose best friend is a 27-stone Mulan tiger which he has raised from birth.

That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, until you end up tiger meat.

[BossMark]

Our area experienced some pretty freak weather today.

We actually saw some bloody sun.

[Jimbuna]

Chelsea Manager Rafa Benitez has been caught doing 139mph on the motorway, resulting in his first 3 points of the season.

[BossMark]

David Beckham is to leave LA.

He was asked, "What about Barcelona, Azerbaijan and Sydney?"

He replied, "The kids are coming too."

[Jimbuna]

My relationship was on the rocks because of my obsession with The Rolling Stones' lyrics but it's alright now, infact it's a gas.

[kraznyi_oktjabr]

What is world's largest nation in 2013?



- Finland, its factories are in China, its political power in Brussels, money in Greece, army in Afganistan and prime minister in the Bahamas.

[Jimbuna]

"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.

"And I love you tons." I replied.

"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.


Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.

[BossMark]

So Kate Middleton is pregnant..

I thought that it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having kids.

[Jimbuna]

A security guard chased me down the street today, finally he caught up with me.

"I believe you've got a bottle of whiskey inside your jacket," he said. "Would you mind opening it for me?"

"Not at all," I replied. "Have you got a couple of glasses and some ice?"

[BossMark]

Upon hearing the news Harry said to his sister-in-law Kate, "If it's a girl I think you should name her after my mum, and should it be a boy I think you should name him after my dad."

"Thanks Harry," she replied, "I think if we were to have a girl we would like to name her after your mother but if we have a boy I think Wills would rather name him after his dad."

[Jimbuna]

How can you tell if the groom at a wedding is a Scouser?

He'll be wearing a clean Liverpool shirt.

[BossMark]

The new Royal baby is going to be no different to the majority of scousers.

Living off the state in their grans house.

[Jimbuna]

Kate Middleton is suffering from acute morning sickness.

There's nothing cute about vomit..

[BossMark]

Kate Middleton admitted to hospital with acute morning sickness..
A Palace spokesman has said "It is very unfortunate,but our main priority at this point is concentrating on our next game and a return to the Premiership."

[Jimbuna]

Fernando Torres says he'd like to finish his career at Chelsea.

I thought he already had?

[BossMark]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[Jimbuna]

If poor Princess Kate's morning sickness is that bad why dosen't she just get up in the afternoon.

[BossMark]

Starbucks, Proud to Support Fair trade

Except when paying HMRC

[Jimbuna]

I went into Starbucks today, ordered a drink, and paid the price minus the VAT.

See how they like it.

[BossMark]

Rafa Benitez: "Fernando Torres is scoring a lot of goals in training. Although I'm not surprised. He's playing against Chelsea's defence.

[Jimbuna]

Just read a sign which said, "mind your head"

Thanks for the consideration and all but am not really going to forget it am I?

It goes where ever I go! Idots!!

[Jimbuna]

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

[BossMark]

Man City have three stars on their badge to mark how many Champions League games they've won in their history.

[Jimbuna]

My wife left five days ago because of my obsession with my phone,

I only found out this morning via text

[BossMark]

When I met my wife it was love at first sight.

Well it must have been because if I'd taken a second look I'd have never bloody married her.

[Jimbuna]

They say a problem shared is a problem halved.

So lets talk about my fat wife ...

[BossMark]

Abu Quatada is to replace Roberto Mancini as the new Man City boss as he knows a thing or two about staying in Europe

[Jimbuna]

My wife accused me of having trust issues.
But how can I trust anyone or anything when chilli sounds like chilly, but it's actually really hot?

[BossMark]

I'm going to stop writing jokes based on political satire.

They are about as popular as the Tory Government.

[Jimbuna]

The wife's just had a right go at me about my snooker obsession. I said, 'what are you chalking about? Do you think we need a break? I'll try to give it a rest, this is my cue for change'. She shook her head and said she was leaving me. As I heard the front door slam I thought, 'balls'.

[Jimbuna]

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini:

"Getting into the Europa League was our target tonight. We wanted to win but to win we needed to score."

Once again Mancini gives a perfect demonstration of how he got his master's degree in stating the obvious.

[BossMark]

My blonde girlfriend came back from a Hen Party last night.

I said, "I take it you went to the wrong place."

She said, "What makes you say that?"

I said, "You are covered in bloody feathers and bird crap."

[Jimbuna]

"I think the bloke at the car shop has got amnesia." said my wife.

"How come?" I replied.

"Well I phoned them up because I needed a new battery for the Merc, and he asked what year is it?"

[BossMark]

Paddy asked his wife what she'd like for Christmas? She said, "I'd love a black I-Pad."

So he punched her.

[Jimbuna]

The founder of IKEA has died. His funeral will be held tommorrow at 3 o'clock.

However, mourners have been asked to turn up at 12 to help assemble the coffin.

[BossMark]

Police, investigating claims from King Edward VII Hospital saying another prank phone call was received, this time pretending to be the father, said it was a false alarm.

It turned out to be Prince Harry.

[Jimbuna]

Be careful what links you click on guys, there is an internet scam going on.

I got sent a link to one of those virus-ridden internet porn sites and when I clicked on it I was redirected to some harmless website with no adult content at all.

[BossMark]

Stuart Hall has been charged with three counts of indecent assault.


It would only have been two but the police played their joker.

[Jimbuna]

I'm still a little puzzled as to whether the alien who approached me last night was dyslexic or a drug addict .

He said to me, "Take me to your dealer".

[BossMark]

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

[Jimbuna]

Has anyone ever asked the Moody Blues what The knights in White sat in?

[AVGWarhawk]

http://www.jimdeadman.com/wp-content/gallery/blog3/germanbear2.jpg

[Jimbuna]

The Vicar looked at us both. "Are you sure about this?" He asked us, "You definately want to Christen the baby Gareth?"

"Yes," my wife answered, "It's a Welsh name."

"I realise that.." He said, "But have you considered the consequences of it being shortened?"

My wife and I exchanged puzzled glances, "I don't know what you mean."

"Never mind.. Never mind," replied the Vicar, "Gareth is a lovely name Mr and Mrs Goyle."

[BossMark]

"Starbucks have pledged a minimum of £20 million pounds in Corporation tax over the next two years".

All they need to do is sell another 50 cups of coffee.

[Jimbuna]

My Gran was telling me that when she met my Grandad she went weak at the knees.

Turns out it was early arthritis.

[BossMark]

Uefa prefer the final at Euro2020 to be played at a location neutral to both finalists.

Wembley is current favourite

[Red October1984]

This is the joke thread right? All I see is Jim and BossMark

[Jimbuna]

This is the joke thread right? All I see is Jim and BossMark

Well anyone is free to post a joke if they wish.

[Jimbuna]

I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices all over a non-fiction book.

It's baste on a true story.

[BossMark]

My Doctor said I need to get more exercise rather than sitting on the couch all day watching TV.

So I bought a rocking chair.

[Jimbuna]

My wife's just had her first car crash today.

Mind you, she had three yesterday and two the day before.

[Sailor Steve]

This is the joke thread right? All I see is Jim and BossMark
Oh, now that's one for the insult thread. :rock:

Well anyone is free to post a joke if they wish.
I think that was the joke.
:rotfl2: