The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I got into a taxi in Birmingham last weekend and told the driver that I was going to London.

He said, "That's going to be about £400." which I thought was quite reasonable, until I saw a sign in the back saying 'I Will Charge You £60 If You're Sick In The Back!'

So I shoved my fingers down my throat.

[BossMark]

The worst thing about the Bieber delayed show is that it disproves the theory 'better late than never'.

[Jimbuna]

Manchester Utd are out of the Champions League.

Unless you switch over to ITV +1

[BossMark]

Apparently the first person to live to 150 years old has already been born.

I really hope I'm alive to see who it is.

[Jimbuna]

Less than 1 month without a pope and we've already cured HIV.

[BossMark]

Fergie is angry that Ferdinand clapped the referee..

He reminded him that they don't do that until they're in the ref's dressing room

[Jimbuna]

Met a fit bird last night. She was a hammer thrower at the Olympics so she must have been relatively fit. Right?

[BossMark]

Paddy and Mick turn up at a building site looking for work. The foreman says "i only employ 100% Irish lads", he looks at paddy and asks his name, "Pat" he replies. The foreman says "sorry i cant give you a job because had you been 100% Irish you would have said your name was Patrick.
The foreman turns to Mick and says "and what's your name" ..... Mickrick.

[Jimbuna]

Police reported that a man who went missing in the Aberlour whisky distillery last night, had been found this morning.
He was said to be in good spirits.

[Herr-Berbunch]

A girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

[AVGWarhawk]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

[BossMark]

I see Findus are sponsoring the jump at Becher's Brook at the Grand National next month...

[Jimbuna]

I've been invited to a party, but it sounds like they're expecting trouble.

They advised me to bring a bottle.

[BossMark]

In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.

[Sailor Steve]

@ AVG: A cut above the usual. :rock:

[Jimbuna]

I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses.

I just spent an hour wondering what the heck he was protecting his eyes from.

[Platapus]

Wow, I am surprised that someone other than Bossmark and Jimbuna actually posted in this thread. :D

[Jimbuna]

Wow, I am surprised that someone other than Bossmark and Jimbuna actually posted in this thread. :D

Well I'm truly amazed :o





:03:

[fireftr18]

Wow, I am surprised that someone other than Bossmark and Jimbuna actually posted in this thread. :D

I never payed close enough attention to notice. I just read and enjoy.

:k_rofl:

[Jimbuna]

Yeeeeeehah :k_rofl:

[BossMark]

"Justin Bieber lashed out at a photographer as he lost his temper in the latest drama of his UK tour"

The photographer is now recovering from a burst bladder after pissing himself laughing.

[Jimbuna]

Brian from accounts passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph.

Mind you, he did jump from the thirty-second floor.

[BossMark]

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife.

Interviewer: Excuse me?!

Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times.

[Jimbuna]

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."

[Jimbuna]

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife.

Interviewer: Excuse me?!

Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times.

[VipertheSniper]

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife.

Interviewer: Excuse me?!

Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times.

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife.

Interviewer: Excuse me?!

Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times.

only one post apart... wow

[Jimbuna]

"I love the new DVD player in the car, but do you have anything other than 'Final Destination' for the kids to watch?" asked my wife.

"That'll be the Sat-Nav." I told her.

[BossMark]

After a rough week for Justin Bieber in the UK, a spokesman for him has said that he doubts he will be returning to the country again.

Well played Brits, job done.

[Jimbuna]

I went into the library and asked for an invisible book.

The librarian says: 'I haven't seen that one'

[RundownJet]

The Newfie Stud Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.

“It’s dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey’re years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos – about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ‘em. I’m telling ye, man…ye’ll have all de babes ye wants!”

The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bob went back to George the lifeguard and asked him, “What’s wrong now?”

“Lard-Tunderin’ Jeezus b’y!” said George, “the potato goes in the front!”

[BossMark]

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."

I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.

She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"

I said, "Pack your bags and bugger off."

[BossMark]

Apparently Clare Balding has recently admitted being gay.

Which is weird because I saw him kissing a girl last night.

[Jimbuna]

After years of calling for the destruction of Britain and compulsory Islam for Europe, radical cleric Abu Qatada was arrested today and remanded in custody.

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said, 'He went too far this time. His wheelie bin was over-full and the lid wouldn't close.'

[BossMark]

Apparently the writing's on the wall for Wayne Rooney at United...

But he's not worried as he can't read it

[Red October1984]

After a rough week for Justin Bieber in the UK, a spokesman for him has said that he doubts he will be returning to the country again.

Well played Brits, job done.

:har: If only we were that lucky.

[Jimbuna]

I really enjoyed my local Cannibalism Enthusiasts gathering last week, unfortunately this week it has been cancelled due to lack of membership.

[Jimbuna]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on do it yourself abortions.

The librarian says, "We had to get rid of it."

"That's the one." the man replies.

[BossMark]

Can't work out if, Clare Balding is presenting crufts or competing.

[Jimbuna]

I've learned one thing after my trip to New York.

Never trust a homeless guy who's selling warm lemonade to you.

[BossMark]

So the U.S. military now allows women to serve on the front lines.

Part of their plan to defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment?

[Jimbuna]

My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages.

I said "Why? Your Mum's dead".

[BossMark]

Chris Huhne and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce have just been sentenced to 8 months each today for perverting the course of justice.

Chris was seen asking his ex-wife immediately afterwards if she would do his sentence for him.

[Jimbuna]

I hear HMP Holloway womens football team have got a new proven penalty taker...

[BossMark]

I bet disgraced former Lib-Dem MP Chris Huhne will be pro-gay marriage once he leaves HM Prison.

[Jimbuna]

West Ham Football Club have said they were driving Chris Huhne's car and please can they have the 3 points.

[BossMark]

Took a massive gamble at the Cheltenham festival yesterday.

I went to the burger van.

[Jimbuna]

My best mate found out last week that he couldn't give his wife children.
He committed suicide last night.
I went to see his wife today, I held her in my arms, comforting her, both of us crying.
"He didn't even leave a note." She sobbed.

"He wanted to, but couldn't." I wailed back.

"Why not?" She sniffed.

"He had no lead in his pencil." I replied.

[BossMark]

The Queen has phoned in sick again.

Verbal warning when she gets back.

[Jimbuna]

When I'm at work, sometimes I have to remind people who's boss.

Like my boss. He has alzheimers.

[BossMark]

My grandfather went to the doctor with fluid on the knee.
The Doctor told him that he wasn't aiming straight.

[Jimbuna]

Ah will this horse meat saga end? I dont know what all the fuss is about, nag nag nag, that's all they keep doing. They keep talking about it they will make themselves a little hoarse (or would that be pony) I don't see why everyones upset, for years i have heard people say how they are so hungry they could eat a horse, well funny thing is they had been all along

[BossMark]

My girlfriend just called me and said, "Your bags have been packed and they're on my doorstep!"

"But, why?" I asked.

"Don't ask me," she said, "Your wife put them there."

[Jimbuna]

I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

[BossMark]

see "Mission Impossible" is on TV tonight.

Or Bayern Munich v Arsenal as it's called in the TV guide

[Jimbuna]

In recent news: Outrage in Buenos Aires as Diego Maradona thought he was the one who had "The Hand of God".

[BossMark]

Biggest Turnout in Falklands History - Last Monday's Polling Stations.
Smallest Turnout in Falklands History - Next Sunday's Catholic Church.

[Catfish]

Life's bad, in America ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_7tu8ouQ78&feature=player_embedded

:hmmm:

[BossMark]

My son came home from school today, pulled a cardboard photo frame out of his bag and yelled, "look what I've made!"

"That's great," I said holding up my smartphone. "This is what the kids make in China."

[Jimbuna]

Argentina lays claim to the Vatican City on the grounds "there is a temporary Argentine population".


*Right...off to watch the TOON

[BossMark]

Last night I took my blonde girlfriend to the ballet.

Upon seeing all the dancers on their toes she asked "Why don't they just get taller girls?"

[Jimbuna]

My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

[BossMark]

If the average school has 600 pupils, and for Red Nose Day each pupil brings in a pound, the question is -

How pissed are the teachers getting tonight?

[Jimbuna]

The Pope mobile;

Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

[BossMark]

As I lay in bed last night, I heard someone creeping up the stairs.
I was absolutely dumb struck.

I live in a bungalow.

[Platapus]

Why is peanut BUTTER sticky when tomato PASTE is slippery?

Shouldn't it be peanut paste and tomato butter?

[Jimbuna]

Was watching a documentary about Alzheimer's last night, and my wife turns to me and says

"What a horrible condition, if I ever get Alzheimer's , I think I'll just shoot myself".

"I know" I replied, "You said that 5 minutes ago".

[BossMark]

Sticking with the tradition of helping anyone from the poverty stricken 3rd world.. The BBC will be giving this years Comic Relief Proceeds to Hull City Council

[Jimbuna]

Pope Benedict resigned, saying that at 85 he didn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.
A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend.
Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?"

[BossMark]

Why are there so many Australians in England?

Because criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

[Jimbuna]

Since the Argentinians refuse to call the Falkland Islands by their correct name in order to raise tensions, I reckon the British should refer to the new leader of the Catholic church as Pope Belgrano.

[BossMark]

The Mrs thinks I'm lazy,

But my motto is ...if I don't do anything, I can't do anything wrong.

[Skybird]

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/8589/wmstripdk20130315.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/29/wmstripdk20130315.jpg/)

from: Die Welt

[BossMark]

I've just seen Alex Ferguson....

Nice to see he's taking part in Red Nose Day.

[Jimbuna]

Today is Red Nose Day. The one day of the year when Rudolph doesn't feel like a idiot.

[BossMark]

After their humiliating defeat in the Falklands, the Argentines have decided to invade an even smaller country which has a smaller army this time, just in case.

The Italians are watching closely before they decide which side to be on for the first half.

[Jimbuna]

I finally realized why I'm single. Its because women are intimidated by me.

It's not everyday they get to meet a level 30 Dungeon Master.

[BossMark]

I was hungover this morning so phoned work and said to the boss, "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Mark," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

[Jimbuna]

I'm following Lenny Henry's advice to 'Do Something Funny for Money'.

I'm going over to Dawn French's later.

[BossMark]

As I was climbing into the new bed I bought us, my wife snarled at me and turned the other way.

I think she's just jealous I got the top bunk.

[Jimbuna]

The food scandal has now reached royal circles.

Apparently a horse has been found in Prince Charles's marital bed.

[BossMark]

Paddy Irishman meets a girl at a disco and asks can he bring her home. The girl agrees but says "no funny business I'm on my menstrual cycle." Paddy replies "that's OK ill just follow you on my Honda 50."

[Jimbuna]

St Patricks day. The only day when pubs around the world are as lively as a Dublin pub on St Georges Day.

[BossMark]

Some bloke asked me if I believed in ghosts.

"Absolutely not." I replied.

"How can you be so sure?"He asked.

"My wife died two years ago," I explained, "If there was any way of coming back to haunt me, that bitch would have found it by now."

[Jimbuna]

I have my steak so rare, that it helps me eat the salad.

[BossMark]

Even Eric Joyce admits that he is unlikely to be able to stand at the next general election.

[BossMark]

Teacher: Now then class, let's do some simple sums. I give you £10 and you take a £1. What do I have?

Little Johnny: A bank account in Cyprus, Miss.

[Jimbuna]

The two men who plotted to kill Joss Stone have been sentenced to go on tour with One Direction.

[BossMark]

The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts

I've had a similar problem like that for many years now

It's called a wife

[Jimbuna]

When I told you that I slept standing up, I was lying.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I'd like to wish Fernando Torres a very happy birthday.

Just in case he missed it.

[Jimbuna]

My ability to speak a bit of Latin is always at the top of my Curriculum Vitae.

[BossMark]

My son ran panting into our bedroom last night. "Daddy, there's a monster under my bed!"

"Any worse than what's beside me?" I said.

[Jimbuna]

Why does Wally wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

[BossMark]

Michael Owen to retire at the end of the season.

In unrelated news several Stoke City FC medical staff set to lose their jobs at the end of the season.

[Jimbuna]

Alex Salmond is reportedly very worried following a recent survey. When asked which currency the Scots should have after gaining independence, 77% said they wanted to keep the Giro......

[BossMark]

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a flashing indicator light.

None of the women knew what I'd come as.

[Jimbuna]

In an effort to make the next budget easier for the nation, George Osborne has announced a tax cut of 7 pence a jar for vaseline.

[Sailor Steve]

When I told you that I slept standing up, I was lying.
But you're a stand-up guy so I won't take it lying down. :D

[BossMark]

My wife found out I slept with a prostitute the other day.

"It's over between us!" she shouted, "You will pay for what you did."

"Sure," I replied, "It was the best 30 quid I've ever spent."

[Jimbuna]

I walked up to the young guy stood at the counter today and said, "Do you have anything for acne?"

"No," he replied.

"Thought not," I said, "I'll have a large Big Mac meal with a Coke please."

[BossMark]

Jim Davidson has gone and got himself arrested i see.

Finally he does something funny.

[Jimbuna]

I called the fishing society the other day.

They just told me to hold the line.

[BossMark]

Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house.At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.

"Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick."I'll go and make up a bed for you."

When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.

Mick says,"What the hell happened to you?"

Paddy replies,"I went home for my pyjamas."

[Jimbuna]

I was in the pub and the landlord said to me, "Are you alright, you don't seem yourself tonight?

I replied "The wife said she's leaving me unless I stop drinking."

"I take it this will be your last drink then?" He asked.

"No mate, keep 'em coming."

[BossMark]

Barclay's have paid their chief investment banker Rich Ricci a bonus of £18 million.

With that amount of money he could earn nearly £2000 per day in interest alone.

Or £1.36 if he puts it in a Barclay's current account.

[Hitman]

"So how did you manage to live healthy and reach 95 years, grandpa?"

"I always stood out of silly discussions"

"Oh, sure it can't be just that!"

"Of course, sure not"

[BossMark]

Somali pirates have been spotted on the River Mersey in Liverpool.

Reports suggest a bunch of scouser's stole their boat.

[Jimbuna]

England play San Marino tomorrow. A country so small that if you kick the ball into touch you have to go through customs to get it back.

[BossMark]

I went fishing last week.

Before going my mate asked me, "What will you be using for bait?"

"Bread." I replied.

"You won't catch anything using bread." he laughed.

"How bloody wrong were you?" I said to him later that evening, as I stood on his doorstep holding 6 ducks and a goose.

[Hitman]

A group of green berets is preparing a difficult commando raid. The officer explains the plan: "You guys will be dropped from an airplane with your equipment. You will just need to pull the white ring for the chute to open, and if that fails there's a second parachute attached to the equipment with a yellow ring. Pull it, and hold to it. It shouldn't happen, but if that fails, you will also have an emergency parachute triggered by a red ring. When you get down, there will be several bicycles hidden in the bushes. Pick them and go to the objective to set the explosives, then rush to the pick-up point signaled in the map"

The green berets take the plane, and when the moment comes they start jumping. One of them is already in the air, and pulls the white ring. Nothing.

"Dargn", is his surprised comment.

He pulls the yellow ring. Nothing happens and he continues falling

"Doh-oh ..." and starts getting angry.

Pulls the red ring and ... nothing happens. He falls even faster towards the ground.

Completely furious, he yells out "And I bet the friggin' bicycles won't be there when we arrive!"

[Jimbuna]

1p, 2p, 5p, 10p, 20p, 50p,
Don't worry folks I'm not going mad just going through the change.

[BossMark]

I was at the local pool yesterday, swimming along minding my own business when a body came flying through the air and crashed into me.

Bloody women divers.

[Jimbuna]

When my horny secretary came into work crying on my shoulder because she'd just split up with her boyfriend I thought this would be the perfect time to take advantage of her,

So I put her on the minimum wage

[BossMark]

My mate said, "Have you ever paid for sex?"

I said, "Yeah, every single day of my married life."

[Jimbuna]

I've nicknamed my wife 'San Marino'.

Because she kicks off every ten minutes.

[BossMark]

According to a recent survey, 95% of women said they would never date a bloke who wears a pink shirt.

Ironically, 95% of men who wear a pink shirt would never date a woman.

[Jimbuna]

I treated my wife the other day to one of those new fish pedicures and must say I was quite pleased with the results.

Those piranhas don't mess about.

[BossMark]

My wife left me four years ago because I never paid her any attention.

I've only just noticed.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is going to the hair salon today.

For the next few hours I'll be practising my reaction.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend was on the phone to her mate, turned to me and said 'It's your birthday tomorrow, I suppose that means you'll want "all day sex"'?

Bloody right I will'.

'Hello Tracy? I can't make 9.30, will 9.45 be ok'?

[Jimbuna]

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?"

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation... Rachel didn't receive your email."

[BossMark]

"Do you remember what you were doing when JFK was killed?" I asked my Granddad.

"Remember?" he said. "Two weeks it took your Nan to get the grass stains out of those trousers."

[Jimbuna]

"It doesn't matter what I do or say," I told the wife, "I'm always wrong in your eyes."

"That's not true," she said.

[BossMark]

I have just heard some tragic news, One Direction have been killed in a plane crash ... and no one managed to capture the event on video.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is always finishing my sentences for me.

I bet Chris Huhne wishes he had married her now.

I wish he had as well.

[Jimbuna]

But your honor, in my defence, her ad clearly said she was looking for a man who could sweep her off her feet and leave her breathless..

[BossMark]

The doctor told my wife if she doesn't lose some weight soon she could die.

She was quite upset by that. So to cheer her up I'm going take her out for a big slap-up meal.

[Jimbuna]

OCD, it's as easy as 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123 123

[BossMark]

My daughter's drama club had to perform a play at the local old folks home over the weekend.
It was a very emotional production, by all accounts.


There wasn't a dry seat in the house.

[Jimbuna]

I treated my last patient of the day, closed the surgery and walked into town for a quick pint.

As I ordered a drink, a man collapsed at the other end of the bar, having a heart attack.

His wife panicked, and in tears shouted, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

Unfortunately for the man, there was nothing I could do to save him.

If she'd asked if there was a doctor in the pub, my pedantry wouldn't have even come into it.

[BossMark]

Whoever came up with the term 'global warming' really needs to find a dictionary and look up the word 'warming.'

[Jimbuna]

" Do you like surprises?" I asked my two young kids.

" Yes daddy!" They yelled excitedly.

" Good." I said.

" I'm putting one of you up for adoption, but I'm not telling you which one it is."

[BossMark]

My young daughter asked, "Dad, what's vice?"
She's got to know sometime, I thought, reaching for a tabloid paper. Some time later, after a good few examples of sexual misdeeds from the celebrity columns, I added "Why do you ask?"
She shrugged and replied, "My sports teacher's made me vice captain of the hockey team."

[Jimbuna]

Whenever i see an ice cream van i tell my kids "If he plays a tune it means he's sold out"..........

[BossMark]

This weeks headlines: Thousands of sheep killed due to sudden snowy conditions.

Next weeks headlines: Buy one get one free frozen lamb only at tescos.

[Jimbuna]

I told all of my mates that my wife is frigid.

They think I'm lying.

[BossMark]

For our anniversary I took my wife out to a swanky restaurant; no expense spared.

We had champagne, lobster, croquembouche, the works.

Afterwards, over brandies, she smiled seductively and said, "When we get home I'm going to do that special thing for you that you like more than anything else in the world."

"Sod that," I said. "I couldn't eat spaghetti bolognese after all this."

[Jimbuna]

I've worked every day for the last 20 years, getting up at five in the morning, grafting until six at night, to struggle to pay for fuel, to pay my mortgage and put food in the cupboard.

Today I was offered free heating, free accommodation and free cooked meals, with the added bonus that I wouldn't even have to work for it.

"I'll take it!" I shouted to the judge.

[BossMark]

I comforted my wife as she mourned her mother.

"I wish she was still with me" she sobbed.

"And I wish you were with her" I replied

[Jimbuna]

I was given the chance to interview Sebastian Vettel and Michael Schumacher today, and of course I asked about the infamous overtaking move from last weekend.

Despite all the facts, both strangely denied it had ever happened.

[BossMark]

According to Sky Sources the Father of footballers Gary and Phil Neville has been arrested on suspicion of sexual assault.

I'm absolutely disgusted, I wouldn't class them as footballers.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said "When you have gone, what would you like to come back as?" "As drunk as I can be" I replied getting my coat.

[BossMark]

I asked a builder if he could install windows for me and he quoted me £4000!

PC World did it for £150

Goes to show, if you shop around you can save a few quid.

[Jimbuna]

My mate Dave asked me, "Why are you looking so happy?"
"The wife has had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that puts a smile on most men's faces," I replied.
"Ah", he said. "Breast enlargement?"
"No", I said. "Post mortem."

[BossMark]

So in the space of a few days, we've gone from Rio not wanting to play in the England team, to the England team not wanting to play in Rio...

[Jimbuna]

My wife limited herself to one slice of pizza last night....by not slicing it.

[BossMark]

"Great news in work today love!" I said to my wife. "I'll give you three guesses."

"You've been promoted? You've had a massive bonus? Your office syndicate has won the lottery?" she asked, excited.

"No, Dave from the post room told me how to get Sky Sports and Movies for nothing."

[AVGWarhawk]

My wife limited herself to one slice of pizza last night....by not slicing it.

She cut it in half. :)

[Jimbuna]

What's my girlfriends favourite park ride?..

The mood swing.

[BossMark]

I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.

"Well, I can't afford anything any more so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and have to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.

"Because of the recession?" I asked.

"No" he replied. "I've been forced off benefits and been made to get a bloody job."

[Jimbuna]

Which countries do not have an extradition treaty with South Africa ?

Answers on a postcard to Oscar Pistorius.

[BossMark]

Me and my blonde girlfriend are expecting a baby, and we just found out today that it's going to be a girl.

I said, "Have you thought of any names yet?"

She said, "It's between Jessica and Jing-Wai."

I said, "Why Jing-Wai?"

She said, "1 in 3 babies born are Chinese, so just in case."

[Jimbuna]

'Oscar Pistorius set to compete again after winning bail appeal'


As long as he isn't given the starters pistol it'll be fine

[BossMark]

I called the police after I came home from work today. We'd had a break-in, the place was a tip and they'd tied the wife up and gagged her. She was still lying there, stunned and silent.

"Could you tell us when this may have happened?" asked the officer, as they untied my wife and gently pulled the masking tape off her mouth.

"Sometime back in January," I replied.

[Jimbuna]

I phoned my wife today and said, "Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."

"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.

I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"

"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

[BossMark]

It's been reported that Oscar Pistorius could compete in the World Championships.
Though I'm not sure if they mean running or shooting.

[Jimbuna]

I've just been shown proof that my wife is a direct descendant of Hitler's uncle, and it's blown me away.
She's the nicest person I've ever known and hasn't a bad bone in her body, so I'm finding it really hard to believe.


Although it DOES explain the moustache.

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius is allowed to compete again!
Expect to see the other runners hit the deck when the starting pistol is fired!

[Jimbuna]

The Police knocked on my door today and arrested me for bestiality, and all my wife could do was just stand there and watch.

Then she wagged her tail and dropped her ball for the Policeman to throw for her.

[BossMark]

The wife's off to the hairdressers.

"What cut would make me look more attractive?" she queried.

I thought for a second.

"How about a Power Cut?"

[Jimbuna]

I went up to a fit girl at a swingers party and asked if she wanted some fun.

"You're new to this aren't you" she smiled.

"What makes you think that?" I said.

"Because you're dressed as a gorilla."

[GoldenRivet]

I went up to a fit girl at a swingers party and asked if she wanted some fun.

"You're new to this aren't you" she smiled.

"What makes you think that?" I said.

"Because you're dressed as a gorilla."

perfect

[BossMark]

Police have arrested an 82 year old entertainer in Berkshire, after an alleged offence took place whilst recording Two Little Boys.

[Jimbuna]

This Sunday is Daylight Savings Time, so don't forget the clock on your oven will be wrong for the next 6 months.

[BossMark]

My son said to me, ''Dad, why is Peter your favourite son?''

I said, ''Don't be silly John, he's not.''

''Is that true, daddy.'' he smiled.

''Yes'' I replied, ''Sam is my favourite, then it's Peter"

[Jimbuna]

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

[BossMark]

I asked my wife if she would allow me to film her having sex with my mate yesterday.

She said, "Well if its going to turn you on and its what you really want, then I will."

After I'd finished filming her having sex with him she said, "Did you get what you wanted then?"

Yeah," I replied. "Our divorce settlement is this Friday."

[Jimbuna]

I was about to smoke weed with a sexy Mexican girl.

Until I asked her if she had papers, she immediately ran off.

[BossMark]

I entered a competition for tickets for to see Justin Bieber.

They announced the results today and I'm a winner.

I didn't get any.

[Jimbuna]

A chimpanzee palm reader studies the palm of another chimp.

"The future looks unpromising. You're going to evolve into a man."

[BossMark]

The big freeze gripping the UK could last for another month.
Just in time for the start of winter.

[Jimbuna]

Its national Jamaican hair day tomorrow.

I'm dreading it.

[BossMark]

A PROMINENT Australian entertainer has been arrested by Scotland Yard detectives in London on suspicion of sexual offences.

The high-profile 82-year-old Australian man from Berkshire in south east England was interviewed for several hours by police before being released on bail about 11.30pm local time.

Can ya tell who it is yet?

[Jimbuna]

My mates think my new girlfriend is ugly.

I think they're just jealous because none of them can grow a beard.

[BossMark]

Rolf Harris will probably spend the rest of his worthless life surrounded by criminals.

But at least it's hot in Australia.

[Jimbuna]

Seeing a lot of posts on Facebook and Twitter about dogs being stolen.

Are the Koreans stockpiling food before they go to war? [/URL] (http://www.sickipedia.org/#) [URL="http://www.sickipedia.org/joke/edit/1453618"]

[BossMark]

So Sunderland have sacked Martin O'Neill.....

They're going down faster than the price of a Rolf Harris painting.

[Jimbuna]

A bloke goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medication the man stammers, "Heck, Doc, what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

[BossMark]

BBC - "Hundreds of pigs die in Beaminster farm fire"

Smoky bacon!

[Jimbuna]

I just split up with my girlfriend. Over the last few months she has really started to annoy me and we've argued a lot, then the other day she took the last drinking instrument and chewed it up.

It was the final straw.

[BossMark]

A Streaker was given a Red Card after running onto a Football Pitch.

The referee said afterwards that his Tackle was Disgusting.

[Jimbuna]

"Andy Murray wins Miami Masters against David Ferrer"

That'll save you watching Sky Sports News for the next 4 days.

[BossMark]

Today one of my mates posted on Facebook saying "Thatcher is dead."

Imgine how sad I was..........


........ when it turned out to be an April Fool.

[Jimbuna]

Don't know why people are kicking up a fuss about the proposed 'Bedroom Tax'...

Seem's like I have been paying my wife it for years!

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber quarantined at airport until monkey can produce proper paperwork.

[Jimbuna]

This is for all you God fearing Christians out there, an astonishing Easter related story.

A prisoner named Jesus Sanchez, on death row in Tijuana penitentiary in Mexico, was executed on Good Friday for a drug cartel related murder, and buried in the prison graveyard.

On Easter Sunday you will never believe what happened .................

Absolutely nothing.

[BossMark]

I arrived late for work this morning.

My boss said, "Why are you late, Adam?"

I said, "I saw my mother in law's car at the side of the road with 2 flat tires."

He said, "And?"

I said, "I had to drive by 13 times before she noticed me laughing at her."

[Jimbuna]

I think people are getting carried away with all these abductions.

[BossMark]

A police officer is claiming compensation from a garage owner, after injuring herself tripping over a kerb.
I hope the judge awards her £20 so she can get her bloody eyes tested.

[Jimbuna]

The Philpott's should consider themselves lucky to be found guilty. At least they avoid the bedroom tax!

[BossMark]

A female police officer is claiming compensation after tripping over a kerb in an unlit area.
Someone should have told her that the long black thing with batteries in, which she was given when she joined the force, is actually a torch.

[Jimbuna]

I was in a Chinese restaurant in London last night and the waiter said, "Alright mate, what can I get ya?"

I said, "A Chinese waiter would be a good start!"

[BossMark]

Mick Philpott is said by Police to have been obsessed with sex.

The inmates of Wandsworth Prison are looking forward to testing that theory as soon as he arrives.

[Jimbuna]

I've just been accused of being 'a plagiarist'!

Their words, not mine.

[BossMark]

Carlos Tevez has been sentenced to community service after being caught driving his Porche whilst disqualified.

He will be forced to wear a bag over his head for 250 hours.

[Jimbuna]

I went speed dating last night.

"So what's your name?" the girl asked.

"Joe," I said.

"That's lovely," she replied, "mine's embarrassing."

"Nice to meet you Embarrassing!"

[BossMark]

"I see you've woken up on the wrong side of the bed", said my wife.


"Shut up", I replied, "and get this bloody mattress off me."

[Jimbuna]

My wife went to Spain for two weeks for a company training session. I drove her to the airport, we hugged and she said, "Honey, is there anything you'd like me to bring back for you?"

I replied, "Yes, a Spanish girl!"

My wife didn't reply and headed off to catch her plane. Two weeks later we met back at the airport.

"How was the trip?" I asked.

She said, "Splendid thank you."

I said, "Where is my present?"

"What present?" she hesitated.

"The Spanish girl." I chuckled.

"Oh," she laughed, "I did what I could, now we have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl."

[BossMark]

Tottenham have just made 11 new loan signings for the game against Everton this Sunday due to the injury to Gareth Bale...

[Jimbuna]

I found a handy gravelled road leading to a mansion to park my car while I popped in to a McDonald's today. When I got back to my car I found an extremely angry George Osborne waiting for me! I had no idea it was his driveway.

[BossMark]

really hope the situation between North Korea and the USA doesn't turn nuclear.

Britain is well out of Korea's missile range, but it's pretty bloody likely a few of America's would land on us.

[Jimbuna]

When I was young I really liked science fiction and always wanted one of those devices that slowed time.

Now that I'm grown up, I realize that such things don't exist, but it is possible to achieve the same effect by inviting the in-laws round for dinner.

[BossMark]

Mick Philpott has been sentenced to life in Wakefield Prison.

He is finally delighted with his larger home.

[Jimbuna]

My son was baptised Times New Roman.

I think the vicar used the wrong font.

[BossMark]

I don't normally keep up with the news, but can somebody please explain to me how Michael McIntyre got so pissed off that he threatened to bomb America?

[Jimbuna]

Statistically overpopulation affects 12 out of 10 people

[BossMark]

Whatever North Korea are planning, I hope they do it soon and put us all out of our bloody misery before Britain's Got Talent starts again.

[Jimbuna]

I know my Horse will win today as I've hired Tesco staff to chase him!

[BossMark]

After the death of two horses at Aintree, it was good to see the vet was the second man there,
He was beaten 3 lengths by the boss of Tesco

[Jimbuna]

I looked over to my wife, lying on the bed, rapidly going down hill.

I'll be amazed if she can take the corner at the bottom.. [/URL] (http://www.sickipedia.org/#) [URL="http://www.sickipedia.org/joke/edit/1456255"]

[BossMark]

Me and my wife were watching a street mime artist yesterday.

She said, "I could do that."

I said, "No you couldn't, you can't keep your bloody mouth shut for a start."

[Jimbuna]

During a French lesson a boy puts up his hand and says,"miss can I go to toilet?" The teacher says "Oui " he says "no! a poo".

[BossMark]

As I left my house I noticed a ginger women using her finger to write on my filthy car.

"What the hell are you doing?" I shouted.

"I'm just advertising my services," she said.

"And what exactly is that?"

"You know!" she said, giving me a wink, "£20 for absolutely everything."

"OK!" I replied "but I want the wheel trims looking brand new."

[Jimbuna]

"And just how high is the threat from North Korea Mr President?"

"About five foot three looking at the little bugga"

[BossMark]

Leona Lewis has bashed the Grand National as it's apparently cruel to the horses.

Good to know she's sticking up for her own kind.

[Jimbuna]

I went to see a counsellor about my gambling addiction.
He advised me to join Gambler's Anonymous, and told me, "stick with the winners and I bet you'll make it."

[Jimbuna]

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.

He said, "Dave, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

[BossMark]

I simply cannot believe that that Thatcher is dead, it surely can't be.

Just last week ATOS passed her as fit to work.

[Jimbuna]

I don't know about you lot, but I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

[BossMark]

Yesterday, BBC news announced that Thatcher has died, and UK retailers are rationing sales of baby milk.

Such a fitting tribute. It's what she would have wanted.

[Jimbuna]

Getting a bit tired of the Thatcher rhetoric.

Better to be respectful of the family members left behind than pushing a long past point.

Move on please.

Jimbuna

SubSim Moderator

[Jimbuna]

North Korea's nuclear strike has been delayed.

Apparently the matches got damp.

[BossMark]

After the long winter comes a welcoming warmer spell.

Thursday 16 degrees
Saturday 18 degrees
Monday 17,523 degrees.

In North Korea

[Jimbuna]

The Paris Louvre is to shut on Wednesday as staff strike over the problem of pickpockets.

Ironic, considering the museum contains one of the biggest collections of plundered art and sculpture in the world.

[BossMark]

I saw a shopping trolley floating in a canal and, further along, I saw another hanging in a tree.

Someone must have pushed them too far.

[Jimbuna]

As i knocked on the door of my favorite spice merchant i heard a voice say,

"Cumin"

[BossMark]

The landlord in my local pub has just told me that from next week, my usual pint of lager will be going up by 4%.

I for one can't wait, that stuff is going to get me well pissed.

[Jimbuna]

Psychiatrists say that men want to marry someone like their mother.

As if Harvey Price's life wasn't bad enough

[BossMark]

I was standing outside the pub when a woman walked over to me.

"Am I supposed to meet you here? I'm from 'match.com'." she said.

"That's bloody amazing." I replied, pulling out my cigarettes. "I've just lost my lighter."

[BossMark]

I saw a Muslim walking around in Liverpool city centre wearing a suicide vest.

A Manchester United top.

[Jimbuna]

There's been a fire in the tropical animal house in West Lothian zoo.

Is there anything those Jocks won't deep fry?

[BossMark]

Stan collymoore on the violence at Wembley today.

"I ain't seen nothing like this for 30 years"

Well Stan, I think Ulrika Johnson would beg to differ.

[Jimbuna]

My mother in-law has some front telling me how to raise my kids.

I've lived with one of hers for years and it still needs work.

[BossMark]

It was sad to see Millwall fans fighting each other at Wembley. Well done to the travelling Wigan support for behaving.

In fairness, you do need at least 2 people to start a fight.

[Jimbuna]

I was lying in bed listening to The Beatles when I thought, "I really need to get this Bedhead treated."

[BossMark]

I'm surprised there aren't more women football commentators..
The women in this house are naturals at bloody talking all the way through a football match.

[Jimbuna]

My mate, Dave, is the most annoying multidimensional being I know.

He's always correcting things I've said, am going to say or would have said.

[BossMark]

I'm learning to play the piano.
I must be improving because the neighbours have smashed all my windows just so they can hear me better

[Jimbuna]

I went to a fancy dress party last night as a piñata.

The girls were beating me off with a stick.

[BossMark]

News: Iranian scientists claim to have developed a time machine.

Translation: They figured out how to make a clock.

[Jimbuna]

I started going to an Origami Support Group.

But it folded

[BossMark]

Following Newcastle's 3-0 defeat to Sunderland, 29 fans have been arrested for throwing missiles at the police.

Kim Jong Un is said to be putting up their bail and offering them a job.

[Jimbuna]

The word 'shark' was coined in 1549 when English sailor, William Michael Griffen saw a great-white swimming towards him and in sheer panic tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.

[BossMark]

The latest round of government cuts are taking effect.

I rang 999 and said my house was on fire.

"Sorry" said the operator "We're really busy. Can you keep it going until we get there?"

[Jimbuna]

"Why are the fat ugly girls always the sweetest ones" my mate asked.

"Because of all the cake" I said.

[Platapus]

Two businessmen in a bar after work.....
One says to his buddy "say, I went for a routine check up today....."

buddy: " is everything okay.....?"

businessman: "Everything seemed to be going just fine until he stuck his index finger up my anus...."

buddy: " well, that would seem to be a pretty normal procedure for an old guy your age....?"

businessman: "....well, so you don't think that I should change dentists then.....?"

[Jimbuna]

So Cardiff City have been promoted. I can't believe we're going to have 3 Welsh teams in the Premier League next season. Cardiff, Swansea and Gareth Bale.

[BossMark]

I was taking a photo of my wife when she stopped me and said 'Make sure you take one of my best side'.

I said 'I can't do that'.

'Why'?

'You're sat on it'.

[Jimbuna]

The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the ninth or tenth pint.

[BossMark]

"Did you tie the dog up and put him in the kennel?" asked my wife, as I walked in the door.

I turned around and headed straight back to the canal.