The joke thread

[BossMark]

In the 1980s Douglas Adams predicted that humanity would be destroyed by a race of fat smelly aliens called the Vogons.

He was nearly right. They were called Bankers.

[Jimbuna]

My neighbour looked over the fence and asked, "What are those small holes in your garden for?"

"The Christmas sprouts."

"Oh, are you growing your own this year then?"

"No, my wife usually checks the bin so that's where me and my son hide ours."

[BossMark]

If you want to find out who's been avoiding tax, just go to Google and...

It's them.

[Jimbuna]

My wife put a bikini snap from our summer holiday as her profile picture on Facebook.

She's just had a friend request from weight Watchers.

[BossMark]

Apparently, according to the song "There aint no party like an S-Club party"

What about the Conservative party, that's full of talentless bastards as well.

[Jimbuna]

My mate went to the Antarctic and fell in love with both a male and female bear.

He's Bipolar.

[BossMark]

"Pint of lager, please," I said to the barman.

"This is an over 25's bar, sir," he replied.

"Fair enough," I said. "26 pints of lager please."

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the hotel, "Hi.. Has anyone handed in an iPod? I think I left mine in my room when I checked out."
"The cleaner did find an iPod this morning, but I don't think it was yours."
"What?" I replied, "It must be. Is it a white one?"
"This one is white..." the receptionist said, "Tell me.. Does yours contain pornographic images of small children?"
"You're right. It can't be mine. Mine's silver."

[BossMark]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from eBay last week and, thanks to the Royal Mail, I will never know.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth"?

Three different answers.

[BossMark]

So there was a disaster at The X factor final after a technical problem with the microphones...

They were working.

[Jimbuna]

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[BossMark]

I put a bet on at the bookies that manchester united would get a penalty in their next game.

They paid me out before the match kicked off

[Jimbuna]

"Now, Paddy," says the prison warder, "I'd like to introduce you to the prison governor."

"Nice to meet you," says Paddy. "Tell me, how do you become a prison governor? Do you need a special training course or do you just start off as a normal prisoner?"

[BossMark]

My wife came home upset and said, 'Some rude bastard on the bus told me I look like a whale!'

I replied, 'Why are you blubbering?'

[Jimbuna]

That Rio Ferdinand money throwing incident wouldn't have happened at Anfield....

You'd never injure someone by throwing a Giro at them.

[BossMark]

My wife is studying to be a history professor, and I know she's going to do very well.

She can already name every bloody thing I've done wrong for the past 20 years.

[Jimbuna]

Me and my girlfriend were watching 'Who wants to be a millionaire' when Denise Welch used the 'ask the audience' option on her second question.

"What a waste of a life," she said.

"I know," I replied. "Someone that stupid doesn't deserve to live.

[BossMark]

After the drama of the Manchester derby, a description of the fan who threw a coin at Rio Ferdinand has been released, police are looking for a man dressed in full Chelsea kit with the number 26 on his back.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was saying how she wanted a gym membership the other day,

"I think it's about I got in shape, don't you think love?" She asked.

"No!" I replied. "You're already in shape." I said smiling at her.

As her eyes lit up, I said. "You're round."

[BossMark]

It's been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, as Man City fans no longer have any need for them

[Jimbuna]

"I own an entire level of that skyscraper." said my mate.

"That's your story." I replied.

[BossMark]

I've just looked up 'How to pay your tax' on google.

It came back with no suggestions.

[Jimbuna]

I broke into a house in Leeds and tore the place apart looking for money or anything of value, then all of a sudden the owner started helping and said, "anything we find we split 50/50."

[BossMark]

I accidentally mixed my 'I can't believe it's not butter' with my real butter.

Now I don't know what to believe.

[Jimbuna]

I asked my wife which DVD she would like to watch.

She said, "Let's watch something with a happy ending."

So we watched our wedding video in reverse.

[BossMark]

Nothing worse than when someone is smoking next to you and you end up stinking of it for the rest of the day.


I hate being a fireman

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?

Nurses can take a temperature.

[BossMark]

You can tell that the build up to the 2016 Olympics in Brazil have now started.

People are already throwing money at Rio.

[Jimbuna]

My mechanic charged me for the air in my new tires.

When I asked him about it, he blamed inflation.

[BossMark]

Rio Ferdinand is still in shock after getting struck above the eye by a two pence coin.

Being a Premier League footballer, he had no idea monetary denominations came lower than £20 notes.

[Jimbuna]

The Suicide Hotline is so unreliable. They always leave people hanging.

[BossMark]

I'm raging about that nurse killing herself over the Royal family radio prank.

It was supposed to be my wife's shift.

[Jimbuna]

In anticipation of '50 Shades of Grey, the movie', I've made an invention to make me rich.

Guttering for the cinema seats.

[BossMark]

Even though I work 72 hours a week, my wages don't go very far.

There's a bookies next door.

[Jimbuna]

My fat wife is going to her works Christmas do tonight and she reckons she might get lucky.

I assume that means someone might drop out and there's a spare dinner.

[BossMark]

I hate how everyone thinks Rudolph is cute for having a red nose.

Has anyone actually considered that he is an abusive alcoholic?

[Jimbuna]

I hid my wife's Christmas present in her own drawer.

The one were she keeps all her sexy knickers and stockings that she used to wear.

She'll never think to look in there, ever.

[BossMark]

I was hitting on this girl earlier when my friend pulled me aside and said "Don't waste your time, she has a boyfriend"

I said, "So what, football teams have goalies, but that doesn't mean you can't score"

[Jimbuna]

Read an article on herbs earlier. It was about thyme.

[BossMark]

My mate told me how much he missed Newcastle since he moved to the country.

So I burgled his house while he was at work.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is that fat.We sold her stockings on E-bay to a North Sea Trawler Captain.

[BossMark]

I turned on the TV last night and saw 'The Walking Dead' was on. I thought that was great!

Until I realised it was the Rolling Stones performing in some concert.

[Jimbuna]

When my friend told me today he did a two day course to become a fully qualified doctor, I was so pleased for him.

That pleasure turned to concern later, when, as his first patient, he diagnosed me as having gullibilitus.

[BossMark]

I came home at 4 in the morning last night. My wife went bloody mental.

So I had her sectioned.

[Jimbuna]

All cats are actually left-handed.

That's why you rarely see them using scissors.

[BossMark]

Times must be hard this year, I've opened 20 christmas cards today and not one bit of money dropped out.

I'll have to bloody skip breakfast now at the sorting office canteen.

[Jimbuna]

I hid my wife's Christmas present in her own drawer.

The one where she keeps all her sexy knickers and stockings that she used to wear.

She'll never think to look in there, ever.

Previous page #2789 :)

[Jimbuna]

There are 2 types of people in life, those that support Manchester United and those that live in Manchester

[BossMark]

Previous page #2789 :)
OK sorted :yep:

[Jimbuna]

Your turn :)

[BossMark]

I remember my dad telling me, "Son. Only ever gamble what you don't mind losing."

It was the last thing he said to me before handing me over to my new "dad".

[Jimbuna]

Having performed and learned every fishing knot known to man, I headed downtown to buy new Christmas lights!

[BossMark]

So they've foiled a plot to murder and castrate Justin Bieber? They clearly didn't see the massive flaw in their plan: They were going to try and castrate Justin Bieber...

[Jimbuna]

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

[BossMark]

The Tories have announced one policy guaranteed to work.

The aim being to bring British binge drinking down by 90 percent.

The policy's called Scottish independence.

[Jimbuna]

I'd never commit suicide...

Mainly because I don't like to commit to anything.

[BossMark]

Go on someone. Phone up 2dayfm and request Blondie's Hanging on the telephone...

[Jimbuna]

One of the waitresses at the local internet cafe has gone missing.

Server not found.

[BossMark]

I called my mum and said, "I have a question for you."

"What is it?" she asked.

I said, "Can you cook a piece of steak in the oven alongside some chips?"

"Of course." she replied.

"Nice one," I said, "I'll be around in about 20 minutes."

[Jimbuna]

When Brendan Rodgers said he thought Liverpool could finish second I didn't realise he meant in every game.

[BossMark]

Two flies are buzzing around a news-stand that sells the Daily Mail.

"Weird," says one, "I can smell the crap but can't find it anywhere ..."

[Jimbuna]

I went for a sauna today.

I was the hottest person in there.

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan.

She should probably wash it.

[Jimbuna]

I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.

Is that two deer?

[BossMark]

Things are finally looking up for Liverpool. A new TV deal has left Brendan Rogers with millions to spend in January.
Live games will be shown on Comedy Central, and replays will be shown on Dave.

[Jimbuna]

I broke my 'pay as you go' mobile phone, after I topped it up.


Turns out its not waterproof.

[BossMark]

Sports personality of the year?

Surely Howard Webb is the only possible winner!

[Jimbuna]

"Can we have lamb for tea?" I asked the wife.
"Not today, it's in the garage freezer."
"Oh please, I'll go and fetch it?"
"I can't be doing with you delving around in the dark, you won't know where it is!"
"Of course I do stupid, the garage is right next to the house!"

[BossMark]

Every fire station employs at least 2 female fire fighters.

If you don't believe me, just check out the car park.

[Jimbuna]

Having endlessly searched every aisle in Poundland, I had to break the bad news to the kids that there would be no Christmas tree this year!

[BossMark]

I saw a sign today saying, "Do you need to learn to read?"

[Jimbuna]

I lost my 30th consecutive Fencing match today.

Foiled again.

[BossMark]

Bloody hell! Right before Christmas the vacuum cleaner has to go and break down!!

Typical!...... all I said was "You've missed a bit!"

[Jimbuna]

I was putting up the last of the Christmas decorations and I went and dropped my box of drawing pins, so I've spent twenty minutes picking them up. I think I've got them all, but just in case I haven't..


I've hidden the wife's slippers.

[BossMark]

Nelson Mandela is still alive.

I'd like to know witch doctors he's using.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently, the vast majority of the welfare bill in Britain is made up of pensions.

Well I think it's about time we slashed these old scroungers' handouts. When was the last time you saw a pensioner doing a hard day's work?

[BossMark]

My wife managed to finish the Christmas cards early this year.

Both my Visa and Master card are completely maxed out.

[Jimbuna]

My wife has just told me that she's asked her mother to spend Christmas with us.

" That's great news." I said as I rolled my sleeves up.

" I'll be needing someone to look after the kids while you're in the hospital."

[BossMark]

I haven't washed my van for a few weeks now. I caught a tramp writing a message on it this morning.

It said, "I wish my wife was this clean".

[Jimbuna]

Jonathan Ross has allegedly been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.

Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..

[BossMark]

I don't know why Clare Balding is so famous.

He's a terrible female impersonator.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I'm really surprised Bradley Wiggins won Sports Personality Of The Year last night, I had my money on John Terry.

[BossMark]

The hint of a "little bump" could be seen on Kate Middleton last night as she presented Bradley Wiggins with his Sports Personality award.

It must've been the peanut she ate for dinner.

[Jimbuna]

I lay in bed, stricken with fear as I clearly saw planet Niburu in the morning sky. My heart was thumping and my brow sweating.
Until on closer inspection I noticed my wife had glued a very dirty one pence piece to the top of the window.

[BossMark]

'No pets allowed' signs must cause some amount of confusion in Newcastle.

[Jimbuna]

Nowhere near as much as the Leeds supporter who on hearing the guide on the tour-bus asking if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, a man got up and said that he could tell a Leeds joke.

Suddenly he stood up in the back of the bus and said, "No, don't do that. I'm a Leeds supporter."

The guide looked at him and said, "That's okay. We'll explain it to you afterwards."

[BossMark]

I was having an affair with Victoria Beckham when my wife came home unexpectedly early.

I hate having a skeleton in my closet.

[Jimbuna]

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"

I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex."

"Oh great!" my wife sighed.

"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

[BossMark]

I asked the waiter, "What looks good to you tonight?"

"The stuffed pork is fabulous." He replied

My wife asked, "What did he say again?"

"He said you look good."

[Jimbuna]

I stuck my twin sons together using superglue after they reported me to social services for giving them a well deserved hiding.

You know what they say..If you can't beat them, join them.

[BossMark]

I don't care that Jessica Ennis didn't win sports personality of the year.

With a body like that, she doesn't need a personality.

[Jimbuna]

Must have been a tough year for Father Christmas, I've just seen him outside my local supermarket selling Big Issues

[BossMark]

On the 21st everybody's going be making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

[Jimbuna]

As I stood in court awaiting sentencing I whispered, "I hope they don't rape new inmates on their first night in prison?"
"You're not exacty filling me with confidence", said my client.

[BossMark]

The last 3 Sports Personality of the Years have been won by people who sit down for a living, Michael Owen is already favourite for 2013.

[Jimbuna]

In the car with my mate on the way to a drug dealer.

Me: I think we're being followed my an unmarked police car!
My mate: How d'you know?
Me: It doesn't say the word 'police' on it anywhere!

[BossMark]

You have to feel sorry for the Duchess of Cambridge.

No matter how hard she tries with dresses for big occasions, there's always someone there with a better bum than hers.

[Jimbuna]

I don't think Marouane Fellaini's 3 match ban, for head-butting Ryan Shawcross, will make him feel bad about his actions.

A haircut on the other hand...

[BossMark]

If the world does end on the 21st of December I hope I'm near Alex Ferguson because you just know he is going get 5 minutes of extra time

[Jimbuna]

These Jimmy Savile jokes are getting a bit old...
He wouldn't like that!

[GoldenRivet]

An American businessman is visiting Ireland and goes to an Irish pub.

He spots two very large and obnoxious women drinking and approaches them

"Hi..." He says "are you women from Ireland?"

They look at him and say "Wales you idiot!"

The man says

"Oh, sorry... Are you whales from Ireland?"

[eddie]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

[BossMark]

I'm currently hiding in an underground reinforced metal bunker consisting of 26 inches of solid steel with enough food and water to last me 6 months at the moment.

Nothing to do with the Mayan prophecy, I just forgot to get my wife a present for her birthday this morning.

[Jimbuna]

I caught this bloke nicking bags of plaster from the side of my house so I turned the garden hose on him. In no time at all I'd rendered him useless.

[BossMark]

Americans are all worried about the world ending on 12 / 21 / 2012.

This is bloody stupid.

There aren't 21 months in the year.

[GoldenRivet]

Americans are all worried about the world ending on 12 / 21 / 2012.

This is bloody stupid.

There aren't 21 months in the year.

:up::haha:

Personally, i write my dates like so...

TUESDAY
18 DEC 2012

Sometimes i'll write out the month instead of using a three letter abbreviation

[Jimbuna]

"Drink dirty water or die of thirst. What kind of choice is that?"

I didn't even know Fosters was available in Africa.

[BossMark]

i was talking to this blonde girl and she asked did i think the world was going to end?
so i said if it does it wont bother me i wont be here after it!
she asked me were was i going

[Jimbuna]

The Queen was locked in the cabinet for half an hour today.

When my nan did that we had to put her into a home.

[BossMark]

Manchester United continue to bring up the coin throwing incident from the Manchester derby, claiming you would never see any of their fans doing it.

Of course you won't. Why would they throw coins at their own TV?

[Jimbuna]

Well, I don't know about anybody else but I know where I will be when the world ends.

Stood next to Alex Ferguson.
No doubt that bugga will get an extra 10 minutes.

[BossMark]

On the 21st, all the power companies around the world should shut down the power grid for 10 minutes, just to bugger with everyone..

[Jimbuna]

My mate reckons Carlos Tevez is the closest player in the Premier League to Lionel Messi.

The only thing Messi about Tevez is his bloody face.

[BossMark]

How can people in front of me at a crowded pub never know what they want to drink when the barman asks them? I just don't get it.

I knew what I wanted 2 hours after I got to work this morning..

[Jimbuna]

Being single and unemployed is actually a lot like being married.

I don't get any sex and I've never got any money.

[BossMark]

Woke up late, so I put Red Bull in the coffee machine instead of water. Got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

[Jimbuna]

"I don't care who you are, get them bloody reindeer off my roof!"

[BossMark]

Weather forecast for the next 3 days:

Wednesday: Cold, rain showers -1 degree.

Thursday: Cold, rain showers, -2 degrees.

Friday: Hot, meteor showers, 10,000,000 degrees.

[Jimbuna]

My neighbour peered over the fence today and said, "I've just seen your dogs mate."

"You must be mistaken," I said, "My dog ain't got no mates."

[BossMark]

Some copper pulled me over in Dublin earlier and said, "Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?"

I said, "Speeding?"

He said, "Nope."

I said, "My brake lights not working?"

He said, "Nope."

I said, "Well I don't know then, officer, why?"

He said, "You're not wearing your seat belt!"

I said, "I'm on a motorbike, you soft git!"

[Jimbuna]

I was in town shopping today and stopped a woman in the street.

"Excuse me love, have you any idea where I can get a decent jumper?"

"Have you tried Fat Face?" she replied.

"Good idea," I said.

"Do you know anywhere?" I said, turning to my wife.

[BossMark]

Pipes of Peace music video by Paul McCartney is set during World War 1.

Just a thought but do you think that's where Heather Mills lost her leg?

[Jimbuna]

I was in the garden centre earlier buying a Christmas tree when the checkout girl asked me "Will you be putting the tree up tonight then sir?"

I replied "I doubt it, the wife goes to the Bingo on a Wednesday"

[BossMark]

I had a firm grip on my wife's hand as she dangled from the top of the empire state building when I remembered what my mum always said, "If you truly love something, set it free..."

So I had to pull her up to safety. .

[AVGWarhawk]

A man and his wife were having a terrible time with their marriage. The wife demanded they get help. They went to their church to discuss the situation with the church Pastor. After assessing the situation the Pastor stood up and asked the wife to stand up. He gently grabs the women and throws down a passionate kiss that lasts a good 30 seconds. Upon releasing the women she falls to her chair smitten by such a kiss. The church Pastor turns to the husband and states, "To get this passion back into your marriage you will need to do this 3 times a week." The husband responds, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday but Friday I have golf."

[Jimbuna]

I have never really understood how Christmas works in Liverpool...

Because they say it's all about giving, but if you ask me those scouse buggas just take.

[BossMark]

Buy someone a fridge for Christmas and watch their face light up when they open it...

[Jimbuna]

My dog's a bugga for worrying sheep.

He runs up behind them and shakes a jar of mint sauce in their faces.

[Fubar2Niner]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Fubar2Niner]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."

[Jimbuna]

My wife said to me today " ill be cooking for 8 on Christmas Day this year"

Must just be me and her again the greedy cow!

[Fubar2Niner]

New tory work ethics:

Dress Code.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.




Best regards.


Fubar2Niner

[Jimbuna]

"To whoever stole my Microsoft Office license key : I will find you. You have my WORD"!

[Fubar2Niner]

A man rushes into his house and yells at his wife 'Brenda, pack ya things. I've just won the lottery,'
Brenda replies, 'shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'
'I don't care,' says the man, 'just as long as you're out of the house by noon,'

[Jimbuna]

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

[Fubar2Niner]

A piece of bacon and a sausage are in a frying pan being cooked. The sausage says, 'it's hot in here isn't it!' and the bacon replys, 'wow! a talking sausage!'

[Fubar2Niner]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Jimbuna]

If the world does end this Friday I'm going to sit in the man utd dugout,
At least I'll get an extra ten minutes.

[BossMark]

I answered a knock on the door to find a policeman stood there.

"Can I come in?" He asked.

"Only if you've got a bloody warrant," I replied.

"Don't be a idiot dad," he sighed, "I just want to see how mum is."

[Jimbuna]

This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world.

I said, "Really?"

She said, "Yes."

[BossMark]

I'm taking my family to see the Nutcracker on Saturday.

Of course I'm talking about my mother-in-law, not the show.

[Jimbuna]

It cant be the end of the world... the dfs sale hasnt ended yet

[Jimbuna]

'I before E except after C'.

That's so confusing when I'm trying to write 'ice'

[BossMark]

Breaking News: The end of the world has been cancelled, it has been extended by another 21 years to give Liverpool a chance to win the Premier League.

[TarJak]

They may need longer than that.:O: How are Leeds chances looking?

[BossMark]

How are Leeds chances looking?
Get new owners today (as long as the world don't end) and hopefully they will give us extra funds to strengthen our squad.

[Jimbuna]

Well guys it's 21st December 2012, has your world ended yet????

Mayan certainly hasn't...

[BossMark]

So then, I wonder how many babies will be born in September of 2013!

[Jimbuna]

My Irish mate told me the Mayan thing was a lot of rubbish he said to me "it's the 13/13/13 you need to watch"

[magic452]

My Irish mate told me the Mayan thing was a lot of rubbish he said to me "it's the 13/13/13 you need to watch"

I've been dreading that one especially if it falls on a Friday.

Magic

[BossMark]

I walked into the bathroom to find my blonde wife putting a rock on the scales.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

"Nothing really", she replied. "I just wondered what it was like to weigh a stone".

[Jimbuna]

Jokes about the end of the world are going round like there's no tomorrow.

[BossMark]

Woohoo!!! Break out the vodka, crank up the music, and get the party started! The world hasn't ended, and I've still got a chance to dance on Maggie Thatcher's grave...

[Jimbuna]

I accidentally run over my next door neighbour's son with my steamroller.

They weren't in when I called so I just slipped him under the door.

[BossMark]

I went to see my wife's solicitor today about our divorce and I handed him a pair of boxing gloves. He said, "What's this?"

I replied, "Give them to my wife. I've decided to accept her offer to settle out of court."

[Jimbuna]

I've just read that Martin Sheen is to star in a movie about the Mayan Calendar.

It's to be called," Where's The Apocalypse Now?"

[BossMark]

"You see that lottery ticket on the table?" asked my mate paddy, as I walked into the pub.

"Yes," I replied.

He said, "We have won £212,000."

"So why bloody hell have you ripped it up into tiny pieces?" I asked.

He said, "It's a syndicate, there's 24 of us."

[AVGWarhawk]

I accidentally run over my next door neighbour's son with my steamroller.

They weren't in when I called so I just slipped him under the door.

Did they change his name to Matt?

[BossMark]

End of the world update from Glasgow:

Plagues of dishevelled, pale-skinned, incoherent degenerates roaming the streets. Hygiene is a problem and people have taken to living in squalid conditions.

But if I see anything unusual I'll let you know.

[Jimbuna]

Did they change his name to Matt?

LOL :)

[Jimbuna]

This weather is getting ridiculous.

I took my driving test today and passed. When I got home I looked at my pass certificate.

I am now a qualified Yachtmaster.

[BossMark]

I had a fantastic new boat delivered today.
Well, i say delivered...
I managed to grab hold of it as it floated past my kitchen window.

[Jimbuna]

This year I'm giving up Christmas leftovers, cold turkey.

[VirtualVikingX]

This year I'm giving up Christmas leftovers, cold turkey.

Lol!

[Jimbuna]

My son was doing his school homework earlier,when he asked me what a cubic foot was ?My wife interrupted rudely and said, it's one of your dads excuses for being off work.

[BossMark]

Mary looks out her kitchen window and sees that a mole has practically destroyed the back lawn, so she tells her husband, Paddy, to go out and kill it and to show no mercy. After ten minutes, Paddy comes back into the house with an evil grin on his face.

"So," says Mary, "did you drown the sodding mole then?"

"Nah," says Paddy, "much more cruel than that. I buried the little bastard alive."

[Jimbuna]

Margaret Thatcher is recovering from a miner operation after having Arthur Scargill removed from his flat.

[BossMark]

BBC News: Former prime minister Margaret Thatcher is recovering in hospital after having a growth removed from her bladder.

The hospital report that the growth is doing well, and will be capable of replacing David Cameron in approximately 18 months time.

[Lord_magerius]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contact" in a sentence. Josh gets up and says, "My older sister wears contact lenses."

"Well done, Josh," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Katie jumps up and says, "I just entered Susie into my phone as a contact."

"Very good, Katie," says the teacher. "Someone else have a go."

Little Johnny gets up and says, "My dad won't watch anything with Danny Dyer in it. He says he can't bear to watch that contact."

[BossMark]

I didn't have the heart to tell my kids that I couldn't afford to fly them overseas for a holiday.

So I sat them down after dinner for a few nights and we all watched Air Crash Investigation.

[Jimbuna]

Been searching everywhere for a Mayan calender.

There just does'nt seem to be any anymore.

[BossMark]

Margaret Thatcher has some thing removed from her
bladder then? Ironic really considering the amount of piss
she has taken out of people.

[Jimbuna]

I couldn't believe the size of our local shopping centre's Christmas tree.

Took me hours to squeeze it into my house.

[BossMark]

Now that it is confirmed that Thatcher is recovering from her operation bookmakers have removed their suspension on bets that "Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead" will be Christmas Number one.

[Jimbuna]

The doctor sat me down and said,

"I'm afraid you've been diagnosed with Alzheimers and Cancer"

After a moment of silence I said,

"Well at least I don't have cancer."

[BossMark]

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"

[Jimbuna]

I'm taking my wife country dancing tonight.

The fat cow can throw her weight around all she likes out in that field.

[BossMark]

The ship has finally docked at Portsmouth and the entire crew rushes to get off, except Bob, who just stands at the railing calmly smoking a cigarette.

"You must be the only one who doesn't have a wife to go home to," says the captain.

"Quite the opposite," says Bob. "I'm the only one who does."

[Jimbuna]

Oscar pistorious has been labelled a 'legend' after outrunning a horse at a race in dubai.

'legend' seems like a fairly ironic choice of words considering he doesn't actually have any 'leg ends'.

[BossMark]

Alex Ferguson says that Robin Van Persie could have been killed when Ashley Williams kicked the ball at his head.

Just like the time a fan head-butted Eric Cantona's foot.

[Jimbuna]

After the disappointment of Asda turkeys for two years and then being let down by an Aldi 4 bird roast last year, I've found what could be the perfect thing for this year's Christmas dinner.

A Lidl donkey.

[BossMark]

My wife came home from work smiling from ear to ear. She had explained to me that 2 Indian gentlemen had bowed and held the door open for her as she was leaving like she was some kind of royalty.

What she fails to realise, is that they see cows as sacred animals.

[Jimbuna]

My wife went mental earlier when I called her a big fat rhino.
She was screaming and shouting at me, calling me every name under the sun and threatening to beat the life out of me.
I just stood there, frozen to the spot.

The safest thing to do, as her vision's based mainly on movement.

[BossMark]

We bought our son a 'Pac Man' cake for his birthday.

At least that's what I told him, my wife's a greedy, fat bitch.

[Jimbuna]

Cleaning the house, listening to Christmas songs,
The bearded one will be here soon,
Can't wait the kids do miss her when she's in work

[BossMark]

When we moved in to our new house, the couple from next door helped us unload the van, so I suggested to my wife that we send them some flowers.

"I was thinking of baking them a cake." she said.

"But they helped us." I replied.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and starts hacking at his thighs with an axe. A couple hours passed, he gets a few drinks down him and goes home to his wife absolutely legless.

[BossMark]

It's going to be a tricky year for Santa.

How is he supposed to sneak down the chimney, when everyone's sitting on the roof waiting for the flood water to go down?

[Jimbuna]

A great Christmas gift is Eskimo Porn. I'd go for Ice Age of Consent 4. And do go for 4, for the first three they're just getting undressed.

[BossMark]

What's the best way to kill a rapist?...

Well according to Alex Ferguson...it's tapping him on the head with a football.

[Jimbuna]

When I was a boy I was purposely naughty just so Santa wouldn't bring me another pair of Primark boxer shorts.

[BossMark]

I can't wait to unwrap and open 'Footballers' Cluedo' tomorrow.

I bet it was 'Ashley Williams' in 'The Liberty Stadium' with 'The Ball'.

[Jimbuna]

"Since I just got my driving licence, I want something big with 4 wheels this Christmas," said my 18 year old daughter with a wink.

I managed to get her exactly that, for only a pound as well.

I hope she likes her Tesco shopping trolley.

[BossMark]

The wife looked at me and said, "After 22 years, have you any idea what love and commitment is?"

"Yes darling, you know I keep going down to Elland Road with my season ticket."

[Jimbuna]

Why is christmas no different to a day at the office?

Because you do all the work, but the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit

[BossMark]

I'm going buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say ' I ordered this damn thing last year, what took you so long!'

[Jimbuna]

To all you guys who are still married, just remember:

Home is where the tart is.

[BossMark]

Al Qaeda have heard Alex Fergusons' rant over Ashley Williams and will now be replacing the Ak-47 with soldiers kicking footballs really hard.

[Jimbuna]

98 years ago today, the Germans & British troops brought a temporary ceasefire to the Great War and had a game of football out on no-man's land.

The fighting resumed when somebody was killed after being hit on the head with the football.

[BossMark]

Imagine if Alex Ferguson's claims that a stray ball hitting somebody in the head being deadly were true?

As most of Emile Heskey's shots ended up in the stands, he could have gone down in history as not just the worst striker ever, but also the worlds most prolific mass murderer.

[Jimbuna]

For want of conversation at the Christmas dinner table earlier I said, "I hear the water levels in Devon have been pretty substantial."

"Parsnips?" my mum interjected.

"Well I don't know if it's gone chest high, Mother, but it's pretty deep."

[BossMark]

Was visited by 3 spirits last night........ Vodka, Rum and Gin.

[Jimbuna]

My wife has been locked up over the festive season.

She celebrated Christmas in Styal.

[BossMark]

I watched The Bourne Supremacy on DVD with my blonde girlfriend last night.

"That was great." I said, "Shall we watch Bourne Three next?"

"No thanks," she replied, "I don't really like lions."

[Jimbuna]

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't
look so good", and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look
so good".

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present, she climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"

[BossMark]

I came home late after work and my wife was still awake.

"Give me your wallet," she replied.

I sighed and passed it to her.

"Empty," she shouted, shaking its contents, "You've been down the casino again, haven't you!?"

I said, "No, the strippers actually."

[Jimbuna]

Is anybody else excited about the Poundland Boxing Day sale ?

[BossMark]

Hospitals hate it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first.

[Jimbuna]

Gerry Anderson, creator of Thunderbirds, has died aged 83!

He's got one of the best spots in Heaven after pulling a few strings!

[BossMark]

After van persie was nealy killed by a football alex ferguson has started a new campaign

"help kick footballs out of football"

[Jimbuna]

The jeremy kyle equation: if you've got more kids than teeth, with more colours than a box of chocolates, you can be on the show...

[BossMark]

I love the TV repeats at Christmas. Vicar of Dibley. The Snowman. The Jimmy Savile tribute show... oh wait.

[Jimbuna]

My wife got me the best Christmas present ever. She was lying under the tree when I got up that morning. What's so great about that you ask?

It was the tree in the back garden about six feet deep underground.

[BossMark]

Gerry Anderson says to Doctor "OK Doc, give it me straight. How many months have I got left to live? Doctor says "5-4-3-2-1"

[Jimbuna]

When your bored find a great parking spot at the mall and sit in the car with your reverse lights on.

[BossMark]

A teacher asks her class if anyone can explain what a paradox is.

Little Paddy stands up and says "Yes Miss. It's what my dad puts on his feet before he goes to work on the building site."

[Jimbuna]

"Will you take that bloody santa hat off!" fumed the wife.

"Hey! It's Christmas." I protested.

"Yes and it also happens to be my mother's funeral." she snapped back.

[BossMark]

Alex Ferguson will not face any disciplinary action for his half time outburst at Mike Dean in the Newcastle match.

The FA have taken a lighter approach as a ball was not involved in the incident.

[Jimbuna]

I've just been offered my dream job working for Rizzla, but I'm a little concerned about the health and safety aspect.


There's just too many corners being cut.

[BossMark]

BBC employing paedophiles is pushing it, but having a women on match of the day is just wrong..

[Jimbuna]

Me and the wife adopted a snow leapord last Christmas.

The bloody thing never came so we're putting in for a kid this year.

[BossMark]

Riots erupted today, as shoppers came to blows over bargains, in the Glasgow branch of Pound land.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said she wanted something that would put a huge smile on her face this Christmas.

So I bought her a face paint kit.

[BossMark]

I can't believe how easy my exam questions were! For example.

Q1/ Two surveys are done. Michael asks 10 members of the public and Michelle asks 1000.

Which survey is the most reliable and why?

My answer .... Michael's, because it was done by a man.

[Jimbuna]

I didn't get awarded worst teeth 2012.

I got crowned.

[BossMark]

Before they bury Gerry Anderson someone had better check the coffin, just to make sure the Mysterons haven't got him...

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about guy the who opened a crisp factory.
He made a packet.

[BossMark]

I broke up with my girlfriend last night using the classic line "It's not you, it's me."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better" she sobbed.

"No, it is me" I replied, "My wife's found out."

[Jimbuna]

My boss spotted his mate whom he owes a large
sum of money stomp into the office today.

Quickly, He ran inside and told me to tell him he had travelled.

''Is your boss in his office?'' he asked.

''No." I replied. "He travelled"

''Damn! When will he be back?''

''Hang on a minute... I'll go ask him.''

[BossMark]

"A quiet man is a thinking man".....

....a quiet woman is usually pissed off.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is so ugly, when she passed out at the Christmas party...
she woke up with more clothes on.

[BossMark]

So, it turns out Jimmy Saville was a regular guest of Mrs Thatcher.

No wonder Mark Thatcher turned out like he did

[Jimbuna]

I walked up to the bar in a nightclub and said to the barman, "The condom machine in the gents isn't working, it has just swallowed the £2 coin that my mum gave me."

"Sorry, there's not much I can do," he replied.

"Well, can you try explaining that to my mum?" I asked.

"Sure," he replied, "Where is she?"

I said, "In the cubicle waiting for me."

[BossMark]

My Irish neighbour has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate.

I said to him, "I thought your cat died last week, Paddy?"

"It did," he replied, "That's why I'm missing him."

[Jimbuna]

After 20 years, I met an ex in the street. "Hello Sue," I said, "Wow, it's been a while. How are you doing these days?"

"Pretty well." she said. "After my degree I went into law and I'm a partner now. Anyway, nice to see you." she said walking off.

Still full of herself, I thought. Never asked how I was doing, or bought a Big Issue.

[BossMark]

It seems now that Jimmy Savile was friendly with Margaret Thatcher.

Just when we thought his reputation couldn't get any worse..

[Jimbuna]

A bloke came in the pub last night, "Ere, pal. Are you interested in any cheap DVD games? I've got Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Trivial Pursuit, Scene It, Deal Or No Deal. A fiver. No questions asked."

He was right. I got home to find an empty box.

[BossMark]

Not that my wife is thick or anything, but I asked her if she believed in reincarnation.

"Well not really." She replied, "But it's alright on fruit salad."

[Jimbuna]

Panic at Old Trafford when a dangerous projectile is introduced onto the pitch

The Ball.

[BossMark]

So if Tony Greig is cremated, who gets to keep his ashes Australia or England?

[Jimbuna]

A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend: "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore"

[Jimbuna]

Arsenal 7 - 3 Newcastle

:oops:

http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/234/hangedxe61.gif (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/37/hangedxe61.gif/)

[BossMark]

Arsenal 7 - 3 Newcastle

:oops:

http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/234/hangedxe61.gif (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/37/hangedxe61.gif/)
No comment my team are just as bad :nope:

[Jimbuna]

So we hang together :-?

http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/234/hangedxe61.gif (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/37/hangedxe61.gif/)http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/234/hangedxe61.gif (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/37/hangedxe61.gif/)

[BossMark]

We've had roast turkey, turkey sandwich's, turkey pie, turkey curry, turkey chow-mein, turkey burgers and cold turkey.

That carcass has been used so many times, I don't think I can dump it in the re-cycling bin.

[Jimbuna]

Sir Alex Ferguson defended his decision to leave Van Persie on the bench for today's match in the rain claiming...

"The boy could have drowned!"

[BossMark]

"What the hell," I shouted, "you pulled out right in front of me!"

"That was your fault," she snapped.

"I don't think so, love. Look at the damage; you've buckled my front left wheel!"

"You're just being ridiculous now," she responded. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Look," I replied. "Let's exchange details and get this mess sorted out."

"Oh for gods sake," she retorted, "just get another trolley and grow up."

[Jimbuna]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I
didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat
tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then
I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -
when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still
ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was
your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[BossMark]

Noel Gallagher was found in a heap this morning unable to move or talk

It's thought it's related to the death of Gerry Anderson