The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor.
The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.
The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said.
"I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"He needs a pair of your underwear".

[Jimbuna]

The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."

Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[Jimbuna]

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."

[Jimbuna]

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

[Platapus]

Sign on the door of a whorehouse

"Beat it
We are closed"

[alexichri]

^:D:D

[Jimbuna]

Boy asks his Gran nervously, "have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?"
Gran replies "Never mind your your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!"

[Jimbuna]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?"

[Jimbuna]

A boxer is whining to the doctor that he can’t sleep.
I won’t give you any drugs, you don’t need any.
Use the classical method, the one with counting the sheep’s.
I tried.
But, every time I get to 9 I jump off the bed.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

[Jimbuna]

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

[Jimbuna]

Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications.
Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant.
Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion!
Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!

[Jimbuna]

Man visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.
He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back.
"Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.
Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?"
The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."

[Jimbuna]

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.
"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

[Jimbuna]

An elephant goes to a camel and says why have you got a pair of breasts on your back, the camel then replies that's a funny question coming from someone with a (male organ) on their face.

[Jimbuna]

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?"
The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't."

[Jimbuna]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...
Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.
"You can't come in here without a Thai."

[Jimbuna]

On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight."
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again."
A new slave next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?"
"This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."

[Jimbuna]

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

[Commander Wallace]

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."


Jim, The jokes you post along with others are great but I have to ask. Did you find them in a joke book somewhere ? If so, what is the name of the book ? At any rate, they are excellent so keep posting them. :Kaleun_Thumbs_Up:

[Jimbuna]

Jim, The jokes you post along with others are great but I have to ask. Did you find them in a joke book somewhere ? If so, what is the name of the book ? At any rate, they are excellent so keep posting them. :Kaleun_Thumbs_Up:

Just over on the net matey, no particular favourite site.

[Jimbuna]

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

[Jimbuna]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you pump."

[Jimbuna]

Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does ur parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do u all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is ur house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house...

[blackswan40]

A farther of two children Daughter of 14 years and a Son nine years of age.
The farther gets up at 07:30 on a week day morning to get ready for work opens the door of his Daughters bedroom shes fast asleep shes been facetubing until the early hours.
He then turns to go into the bathroom little Timmy's is in there won't be long dad says Timmy 5-10-15 minuets go by the father pushes the door open a bit as he looks into the bathroom he can see what Timmy is doing through the mirror hanging on the wall.
Timmy as is pyjamas bottoms round is ankles and is scrubbing his meat n two veg Vigorously with is toothbrush what are you doing says his farther.
Timmy's reply your always telling me preventions better than a cure I don't want a cavity like my sister.

[Jimbuna]

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

[Jimbuna]

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike in UK.


Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with IS have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday when IS and Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".


Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."


Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.


According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

[Jimbuna]

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.
"Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

[Jimbuna]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

[Jimbuna]

A family was having some people to dinner.
At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

[Jimbuna]

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."

[Jimbuna]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

[Jimbuna]

A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner.
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's a.s.s.h.o.l.e!"

[Peter Cremer]

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike in UK.


Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with IS have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday when IS and Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".


Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."


Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.


According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

The whole thing is wrong due to a faulty translation from Arabic to English. The truth is that suicide bombers are not supposed to get 72 virgins as their reward. What they are really supposed to get is one 72 year old virgin.:hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments.
I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301.
I buzz you in.
Come inside and elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.
OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What... You're coming empty handed?"

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/lZgpQsK.jpg

[Jimbuna]

So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride.
"Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance."
Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him.
"It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye.
"Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?"
"I just don't like her", she replied.

[Jimbuna]

Little lad is sitting between his Mum and Dad on the sofa and they are playing a game about what sounds animals say.
His Mum says "What does a duck say Tommy?"
He says"Quack quack Mummy."
His Mum says "Very good Tommy,that's right."
She says "What does a dog say?"
He says "Woof woof Mummy."
She says "Very good."
She says "What does a cat say?"
He says "Meow meow Mummy."
She says "Yes that's right."
Tommy says "Let Daddy have a go."
His dad says "Ok Tommy,what does a cow say?"
The little lad looks confused and his Dad says "Come on Tommy you know what a cow says."
Tommy says "Yes I do but do you mean a cow that eats grass and gives us our milk, or the one you where talking to Uncle John about, that said you could'nt go to the Stag show with him?"

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Ramu, you talk a lot !"
Ramu: "It's a family tradition".
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Ramu: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Ramu: "She's a woman".

[Jimbuna]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

[Jimbuna]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
‘Well honey...' said the slightly prudish parent,
"An Angel brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the angel brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the angel brought them too!" said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[Jimbuna]

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."

[Jimbuna]

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they haven't actually been tried and tested."

[Jimbuna]

Johnny's father: "Let me see your report card."
Johnny: "I don't have it."
Johnny's father: "Why not?"
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/PaBruEz.jpg

[Jimbuna]

I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.

[Jimbuna]

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

[Jimbuna]

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her.
The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…"
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?"

[mikesn9]

has the joke thread dried up?

[Eisenwurst]

I remember seeing this in a newspaper cartoon in the mid 60's.

At the time there was a suggestion that the Judiciary should wear more up to date clothes instead of the traditional wigs and black robes.........

Cartoon.....

2 Rockers, wearing all their gear - leathers. helmets, colours - are standing outside a couthouse.

The Judge comes along, wearing all the latest from Carnaby Street,

One Rocker turns to his mate and says, "we're in trouble Fred, the beaks's a Mod."

[Jimbuna]

has the joke thread dried up?

I've been away on holiday so haven't been able to post but there is nothing stopping others from contributing.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor?
They were given a right roasting.

[mikesn9]

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph".
Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot.
After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious.

The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph over and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.

[mikesn9]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b7/33/65/b733654294f9071d7ccdc008cecc9722.jpghttps://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/88/6c/23/886c2302db1e331437dde453503628a1.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A skunk family had two little skunks they called In and Out.
One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time.
In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said he d continue searching for a while.
Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following behind him.
"However did you find him?" asked Father Skunk.
"In-stinct," replied Out.

[mikesn9]

"In-stinct," replied Out.

booo.. Hissss... ;-)

[Mr Quatro]

I think I put this in the wrong place, but you will laugh anyway :D

https://www.facebook.com/BadParentingMoments/videos/1462518763771318/?id=100014261325582

[Jimbuna]

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

[Jimbuna]

While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"
The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."
The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

[Jimbuna]

Three men stranded on an island.
They were walking across the sand when they came across a magic lamp; they rubbed the lamp and out came a genie.
The genie said "you have three wishes but make it quick."
So they thought about what they were going to wish for.
The one man said, "I wish I was at home with my family."
So the genie said your wish is my command, and he was gone, then the second man said
"I wish I was in the pub with my mates."
So he was gone.
The last man said, "I am lonely and I want my friends back."

[Jimbuna]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very beautiful woman.

“You son of a bitch ” she cried. “How can you cheat me – faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

And the husband replied “Wait a minute love,I can explain you what happened.”

“Fine, right on,” she said, “but this will be the last conversation between us!”

And the husband began: “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked for into car. She looked so bad and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for two days! So, in my mercy, I brought her home and warmed up the meatballs I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. She ate them in seconds.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I tossed out her dirty and full of holes clothes Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your birthday present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the luxury boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

Man took a quick breath and continued to talking – “She was so grateful for my help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please …do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

[Jimbuna]

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes.
Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes.
Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One bloke says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24!
What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

[Jimbuna]

There were five brothers named somebody, nobody, anybody mad and brain.
One day somebody and nobody were fighting, and just at that moment the anybody called police.
The police picked up the phone, and said hello.
Then Anybody: "Hello sir! I want to inform you that somebody is beating nobody."
Police: "Sorry!"
Anybody: "Sir somebody is beating nobody"
Police: "Are you mad? Who are you? What's your name?"
Anybody: "No, sir mad is dancing, I am anybody"
Police: "Shut up you idiot. What are you saying? Where have your brain gone? Is it lost?"
Anybody: "No, sir brain is not lost. Brain is in the bathroom."

[Jimbuna]

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.
He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.
Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.
He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.
He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

[mako88sb]

Sorry if this has been posted before:

Not your typical blonde joke:

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the
street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it
there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Blonde: "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

[Jimbuna]

Three grandsons of ex Army Men were boasting about their grandfathers.
"My great grandfather," one declared proudly, "made the army proud by joining the army at the age of 12."
"Mine," boasts another, "got 12 bravery medals."
"He was the only soldier in my family," confessed the third one, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much.
But he would be 152 years old."

[Jimbuna]

A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness."
Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time."
Fat lady: "At which particular time?"
Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.
Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.
Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.
So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

[Jimbuna]

A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you.

[Jimbuna]

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

[Jimbuna]

The old man had died.
A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."

[Jimbuna]

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

[Jimbuna]

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.
After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.
He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don’t know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

[Jimbuna]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings.
Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[Tango589]

The patent on the trade-name 'Viagra' has expired. If you want to buy it in the chemist, you now have to ask for it by its' pharmaceutical name: "Mydixafloppin".

[Jimbuna]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[Jimbuna]

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.
We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
Sunday night, he returns.
His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

[Jimbuna]

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

[Jimbuna]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

[Jimbuna]

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon.

[Jimbuna]

Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day.
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[CaptainCruise]

The patent on the trade-name 'Viagra' has expired. If you want to buy it in the chemist, you now have to ask for it by its' pharmaceutical name: "Mydixafloppin".



:har::har:

[CaptainCruise]

Lets see is I remember this one correctly:



This guy James is 6 years old. He has a sister half his age.

James is now 60 years old. How old is his sister??






:subsim:

[GoldenRivet]

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon.

that is actual Klingon BTW :haha:

[Jimbuna]

Tom, Frank, and Harry are fishing in a boat.
Frank stands up to get a beer, loses his balance, falls in the lake, and dissapears.
After a few minutes, and no sign of Frank, Tom tells Harry he better go in after him.
Harry drags him into the boat and notices hes not breathing.
"Better give him mouth-to-mouth" says Tom.
"Whew! I don't remember him having this bad of breath!" says Harry.
Tom replies, "Oh yeah, well I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit!"

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish.
He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."
The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer".
*POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to pee in the boat!!"

[Jimbuna]

Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish.
After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns.
Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news.
She opens the door and hears Fred sing:
"Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

[Jimbuna]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

[Jimbuna]

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

[Jimbuna]

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
"I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”
”Who said my Dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?”
”Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
”Who said he wanted to?”

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: *Points at kid with a ruler* At the end of this ruler is an idiot.
Kid: Which end?

[Jimbuna]

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was near by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I think you should try the ATM in the lobby."

[Jimbuna]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the firefighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Jimbuna]

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Deport him and you never have to feed him again. Amen." - Donald Trump 20:1-7

[Jimbuna]

Two blondes are walking in the park and come up on a set of tracks
One blonde says I think these are bear tracks, the other blonde argues they are deer tracks
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Jimbuna]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Jimbuna]

Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.
They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.
It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room.
"This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tyre?

[Jimbuna]

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs.
One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."
Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant.
The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."
The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.
"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.
"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

[Jimbuna]

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."

[Jimbuna]

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

[Jimbuna]

A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell."
"How do I know which to choose?" She asked.
"That's easy," said St. Peter. "you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was okay.
She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. "Well, heaven was great and all," the nurse said, "but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell."
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, "I don't understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking."
The devil smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

[Jimbuna]

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought."
Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

[Jimbuna]

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

[Tango589]

Beethovan: "Are you guys ready for some symphonies tonight?"
Crowd: *cheers* "Yeah!!!"
Beethovan: "I can't hear you!"

[mikesn9]

Folks, I have written a book and I am quite proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 45+ years of golfing experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 am

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent



The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs one more revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Moss - bit thin

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole

A Rodney King - overclubbed

An O J Simpson - got away with it

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

An Elephant's arse - high and ****ty

A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

A Sister-in-law - you're up there but you know you shouldn't be


I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise.

[mikesn9]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard
about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are examples:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt, and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome…….death.

[Jimbuna]

A young boy was walking through the supermarket to pick up some things when he noticed that an old lady was following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he just ignored her and continued on. Finally after he finished his selection, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me son,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel really uncomfortable. It’s just that you look like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” said the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she replied, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel very much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man. And as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As the young man stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total amount was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased some few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

[Jimbuna]

So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"Homicide," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."

[Jimbuna]

On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.
He takes a seat at the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnapped."
The poor guy, heartbroken, pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothes to escape.
When he finally reaches his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!

[Jimbuna]

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"
The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

[Jimbuna]

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine dummy."

[Jimbuna]

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects?
How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

[Jimbuna]

A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring.
One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it.
"My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!

[Jimbuna]

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks.
The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’
In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses.
Guy says no again.
Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries.
The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’
Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

[mikesn9]

Many of us over 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.
In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots.
12. Short shorts and varicose veins.
13. Inline skates and a walker.

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks:
14. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[Jimbuna]

An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs.
His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies.
As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.
He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs.
Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies.
Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"

[Jimbuna]

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”.
Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”

[Jimbuna]

A man comes home alone from work.
Suddenly he hears this voice saying: "Now its time to quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Las Vegas."
He doesn't pay much attention to it but after a week hearing the same voice, he thinks ok!
He quits his job, sells his house, withdraws all his money and goes to Vegas.
The moment he steps out of the plane the voice tells him "Find the nearest casino!"
He enters a casino and the voice says: " Go to the roulette-table and put all your money on 17 black!
He complies and the croupier spins the wheel and says "Rien ne va plus"
21 RED!
And then the voice goes "Damn!"

[Jimbuna]

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

[Jimbuna]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

[Jimbuna]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

[Catfish]

To Saudi Arabia: "People starve in Yemen"
"We are killing terrorists and you only think of dining."

[Catfish]

"Why does Trump want to leave the UNESCO?"
"Because it is an educational and cultural institution."

[Jimbuna]

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

[Jimbuna]

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”
Two days later her doorbell rings.
“Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.”
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.
Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[Jimbuna]

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

[mikesn9]

I just shot my first turkey today!

It sure scared the hell of everyone in the frozen food section.

[Jimbuna]

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

[Jimbuna]

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

[Jimbuna]

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.
The patient says no.
The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.
She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.
The doctor says, "What's so funny?"
She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[Catfish]

Three Wishes

One day a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic.
"But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.

The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

[Von Due]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I'm not paying 50 quid to have a lentil on my face.

[mikesn9]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I'm not paying 50 quid to have a lentil on my face.


Booo, Hiss, chuckle chuckle.

[Jimbuna]

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

[Jimbuna]

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy.
She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge £100 for sex.”
The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out the £100 and pays her, and they have sex.
After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £200.

[Catfish]

A Hunter comes home from a three days hunting trip
and says to his wife: 'I missed you'.

[Catfish]

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said,
"Guitar solo."

[Aktungbby]

"Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"
^ :yeah:Drum solo? Sounds like In the Garden of Eden...slightly slurred in the lyric:03:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIVe-rZBcm4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIVe-rZBcm4)

[Jimbuna]

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[Jimbuna]

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks.
It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.
"Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Manchester. I want to know where I came from."

[Von Due]

Tim's mom comes to the kindergarten to pick up her son and Tim asks her
"Mom, can I have a bike so I can ride it to kindergarten?" to which she replies
"Perhaps when you start in school, dear. We do live a bit far from the kindergarten, you know, a little too far for a little young man like yourself".

Tim looks at her mom and says "But mom, Jonathan rides his bike here every morning and he is from Africa".

[Jimbuna]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."
She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[Jimbuna]

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?"
His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

[Onkel Neal]

.......

[Hothead]

How many software engineers do you need to change a lightbulb?
None, its a hardware problem.. :D

[Jimbuna]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[Jimbuna]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"£10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "
Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10, not £110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims.
The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.
The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

[Jimbuna]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

[Jimbuna]

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, "Who are you?"
The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."
Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever."
The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish."
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life."
The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan."
Dylan said, "No way!"
The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?"
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves."
Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, "Forty-five."
The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

[Mr Quatro]

The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there's something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil
with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

[Jimbuna]

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?"
The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

[GoldenRivet]

A man is called to a scheduled meeting to discuss his audit with the IRS agents.

He calls his accountant for advice "What should i wear?"

the accountant says "Dress is your yard work clothes, do your best to appear to have no financial wealth!"

he thinks thats probably good advice, but also asks his attorney to which the attorney replies "Do not let those crooks intimidate you, put on your finest suit and tie."

he is now worried about the conflicting advice, so he goes to see his priest.

the priest thinks for a minute and says "let me tell you a story; a young bride was worried about the night of her honeymoon and asked her mother for advice on what to wear... the mother advised her to wear wool, head to toe, covering every part of her body in modesty. The bride also asked her best friend and received conflicting advice telling her to dress in nearly nothing, wear your sexiest outfit to bed."

the man asks the priest "ok... but what does her situation have to do with my meeting with the IRS?"

the priest says "just like the bride in the story, it doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

[Jimbuna]

^ so true :)

[Jimbuna]

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better."
The husband says he can't feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can't feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died.
"I froze to death. How about you?"
"I had a heart attack."
"How did that happen?"
"Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack."
"That's ironic."
"Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."

[Jimbuna]

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."

[Jimbuna]

A super hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?"
"Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby."
The priest says, "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay."
As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and dont forget that I will always be here for you!"

[Jimbuna]

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

[Jimbuna]

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch.
She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty.
She asks, "What's going on?"
He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."
She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister."
She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"

[Jimbuna]

Pedro lives in an orphanage.
One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands claped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?"
Pedro replies, "Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians.
Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?"
Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies."
Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies.
The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?"
Again Pedro replies, "Father I have Pussy willows-"
"Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"

[Jeff-Groves]

I was talking to a Job Supervisor the other day.
I told him I had to go check on My Slinkys.
"Why do you call those Guys Slinkys?" He asked me.
I replied...
"Cause they are pretty useless to me but still put a smile on my face when I toss them down the stairs"

[Jimbuna]

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother.
"And why not?" asks Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"
Stan says nothing.
The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor."
"Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

[mikesn9]

Recently, a group of
Bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw
a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.



George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to
talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss
this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Jimbuna]

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done."
The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished.
"Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can crap on him!"

[Bleiente]

Treffen sich zwei Hirn-Chirurgen im "Dritten Reich".
Sagt der eine: "Heil Hitler"
Sagt der andere: "Heil du ihn doch"... :D

[Jimbuna]

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor. As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."

[Jimbuna]

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

[Jimbuna]

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.
The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."
The old man says, "We're from Nebraska."
Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from."
"Oh," replies the old woman.
The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires.
When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska."
The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?"
The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”

[Jimbuna]

A 96-year old man is pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
"Surely you're imagining things," says the doctor. "You're 96 years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?"
"Yes," replies the elderly man, "that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good."

[Jimbuna]

A woman decides to get a porn video, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.
When she plays the movie, the screen gets fuzzy and nothing is going on.
When she calls the store about the movie, they ask her what the title was, and she says, "Head Cleaner."

[Jimbuna]

Bubba and Leroy were sitting on the front porch of a trailer house. Leroy says "Bubba, you and me are bestest buddies. If you was gone huntin and I had sex with your wife and she had my baby, would that make us Kin Folk?"
Bubba replied " I don't know Leroy, but it would dang shore make us even"

[Catfish]

Dear Santa, please get me a lean body and a fat bank account -
and pretty please don't mix it up like last year.

[komi]

A Chukchi in the USSR returns to his remote little Siberian village after a visit to Moscow. All the villagers are eager to hear his story, asking him what life is like in the glorious Communist capital.

"It's truly an amazing place" the Chukchi says. "In Communism they say everything is for the benefit of man. And in Moscow, I was able to meet that man himself!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

[Jimbuna]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

[Jimbuna]

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

[mikesn9]

"The only thing I smell is molasses."


Boo! Hiss!
chuckle chuckle.

[Jimbuna]

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"
The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

[Jimbuna]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunken backside off the merry-go-round!

[Jimbuna]

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

[Jimbuna]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[GoldenRivet]

During the second world war, the rookie replacement private was walking on a patrol and he approached the old crusty veteran Sarge.

"Sarge." said the rookie "You seen a lot of action?"

"Private... i seen all the action." the sarge replied. "North Africa, Italy, all the way to Normandy and now here in Belgium."

"Well Sarge," continued the rookie "I never seen any action, and i was wonderin'... if we come upon a unit and we can't tell if theys enemy or theys allies, how can you know for sure?"

the sarge explained to the rookie quite plainly

"Take aim, and let off a round with your rifle, but aim so you dont hit anyone....

... if they respond with a fusillade of accurate rifle fire, they're British

... if they respond with a whole mess of machine gun fire, they're Germans.

... if they throw down their rifles and march toward you with their hands up, they're Italian.

... if nothing happens, and about 5 minutes later your position is totally obliterated by air support or an artillery strike, they're American."

[Jimbuna]

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog.
He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”
The old man puts the frog in his pocket.
The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”
The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

[Jimbuna]

One day a duck walks in a store and asks the manager if they sell grapes.
The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes."
The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes."
The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes.
This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!"
The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails.
The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails."
The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

[Jimbuna]

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."
The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away.
About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book."
The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book.
The chicken walks out the door.
Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word.
The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book.
This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

[Jimbuna]

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen."
So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"

[Skybird]

Did you know? All life is just a joke.

[Jimbuna]

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.
Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.
The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?"
The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

[Jimbuna]

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

[Jimbuna]

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

[Jimbuna]

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

[Jimbuna]

When I spotted a Navy captain 
on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II.

The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.”

“What’s an LMD?” I asked.

“Large mahogany desk.”

[Jimbuna]

A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles. The farmer says, "That's once."
A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse.
His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!"
The farmer says, "That's once."

[Jimbuna]

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[Jimbuna]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

[Jimbuna]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Jimbuna]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[Jimbuna]

A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!"
The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?"
"No sir, it all happened so fast!"

[Jimbuna]

Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door.
She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing.
Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

[Jimbuna]

There is a drunk guy in a bar and a big, fat woman with a parrot on her shoulder.
She sits by the drunk guy and he looks over at her and says, "Where'd you get that hog?"
She looks at him and frowns.
He takes a few more drinks, then he says, "Where'd you get that hog?"
She looks and says, "I'll have you know, this is not a hog, this is a parrot!"
The dude says, "Well I'll have you know, I was talking to the hog."

[Jimbuna]

Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, a rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack.
Suddenly, a federal bureaucrat rushed up and breathlessly screamed, "Wait, there's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent."
"I don't know what y`all do in Washington," drawled the rancher taking aim again, "but out here the coyotes eat the sheep."

[Jimbuna]

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Jimbuna]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[Jimbuna]

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.
One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.
Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred.
Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.
Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Playing a game," the boy replied.
"What is your name?" the officer questioned.
"Mind Your Own Business."
Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
The boy replied, "Why, yes."

[Jimbuna]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the London Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of £125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a Jaguar?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Jimbuna]

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish.
The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous."
God snapped his fingers and it happened.
The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing.
This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.
When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

[Tango589]

My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.

It may come across as judgmental, but really, I've only ever known and loved her as Christine.

[Tango589]

A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.

"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."

[Jimbuna]

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

[Jimbuna]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

[Jimbuna]

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said.
The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

[Jimbuna]

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me £5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you £5,000."
The idiot says, "Okay."
The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"
The idiot doesn't know and hands over the £5.
The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the £5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"
The idiot hands over £5.

[Jimbuna]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[Jimbuna]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

[Jimbuna]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Jimbuna]

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!"
The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task.
The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.
The IRS agent is dumbfounded.
The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye.
The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees.
The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop."
The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees.
The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.
"Are you all right?" asks the agent.
"No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[Jimbuna]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."
"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men.
"And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

[Jimbuna]

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only £500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

[Jimbuna]

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands on, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?"
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?"
The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

[Jimbuna]

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[Jimbuna]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

[Jimbuna]

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”
“That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse then tells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!”
“That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets."
“That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

[Jimbuna]

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live."
Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"
Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

[Jimbuna]

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken.
"What is it?" he asked.
The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

[Jimbuna]

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?"
The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

[Jimbuna]

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!"
The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt."
The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win.
The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"
The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope."
Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!"
The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

[Jimbuna]

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

[Jimbuna]

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?"
Larry nodded yes just as he passed away.
That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom.
"I have good news and bad news from heaven."
"What's the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

[Jimbuna]

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?"
Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

[Jimbuna]

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

[Jimbuna]

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

[Catfish]

What does one graduate say to another, in Germany?
"A portion fish'n chips, please"

[Jimbuna]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?"
The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there."
So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot."
The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice."
He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair."
The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

[Jimbuna]

Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light.
His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light.
His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?"
The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time."
They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out."
The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time."
So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?"
The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

[Jimbuna]

A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end."
His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."

[Jimbuna]

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

[Jimbuna]

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

[Jimbuna]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!"
And the priest says, "No son, you're not."
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!"
Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."
Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"

[Jimbuna]

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."
"You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first.
Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in the chair I only fined you $10!"
"Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

[Jimbuna]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

[Jimbuna]

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"
He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class."
She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

[Jimbuna]

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"
He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."
The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."