The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I met this fit bird in the club last night:

"Do you want to get out of here?" I said, "I know a place you'd really dig."

"Sounds good" she said, "let's go."

So I took her to my allotment.

[BossMark]

My wife said she'd had enough last night and was leaving me for not acting like a real man.

"Please, don't go" I pleaded.

"Why shouldn't I?" she asked.

"Because there's a spider in the bath that needs moving" I sobbed.

[Jimbuna]

I invite you to replace the post above with something else :hmm2:

[BossMark]

I invite you to replace the post above with something else :hmm2:
Sorted.


My mate told me to try taking a laxative to stop my coughing, because I would be too afraid to cough. If I do say so myself, it was working quite well.

Until I had to sneeze.

[Jimbuna]

Cheers


I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

[BossMark]

News just in :Syrian rebels capture an oil pump in northern Syria,

one of their leaders said "they hope to take the three petrol pumps next and with a bit of luck the whole garage by the end of the week

[Jimbuna]

I will be entering into 2013 very much the same way I entered into this world.

Bald, fat and wanting milk. Lots and lots of milk.

[BossMark]

I was chuffed when a woman chatted me up last night and asked for my number.

However, I was a bit concerned when I had to give it to her in Braille.

[Jimbuna]

I keep asking my fiancee to join my cult but she won't.

She doesn't believe in sects before marriage.

[BossMark]

My mother-in-law's coming over later today.

"What time's the old cow arriving?" I asked my wife earlier.

"She'll be here between half four and five" she replied.

Thank god for that, I thought, she's only coming for half an hour.

[BossMark]

I asked my blonde girlfriend to look at the price of taxis for last night.

"Everywhere I've looked is really expensive," she said.

"What sort of price are we talking?" I asked.

"Well, the best I could find was a 2002 black cab, only 20,000 on the clock for about fifteen grand" she replied.

[Jimbuna]

My New Year's Resolution would have been to have more sex and to drink more beer,

But I'm married so they're both out of the question.

[BossMark]

Titus Bramble faced going to jail after sexual assault claims were made against him.

Still not as bad as playing for Sunderland...

[Jimbuna]

I love New Years parties. Everyone shaking hands, drinking and having a laugh together.

Last night however, I celebrated it alone. The handshaking was so awkward.

[BossMark]

Whenever I come home drunk my wife always stands in the hallway with her hands on her hips and says the same old line.

"Where's the loaf of bread you went out to get last night?"

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend asked me to put candles all over the house and make it look like a Meat Loaf music video.

But I won't do that.

[BossMark]

New years eve was a lot like my marriage,

a few highlights, mosty in the early stages, then it went crap and to be honest I'm glad it's over.

[Jimbuna]

Skysports commentator : The Southampton keeper has Premier League experience but most of it is Scottish Premier League that's a bit like turning up for a job interview saying "I have experience running my own company, I owned a lemonade stand when I was twelve".

[BossMark]

New Year celebrations having been going on around the globe. In Australia they set off a traditional firework display from Sydney Harbour bridge. The Australian Prime Minister also took a moment to telephone the Queen to wish her a Happy New Year.

In keeping with tradition, though, she pretended to be a nurse from a North London hospital.

[Jimbuna]

Demba Ba's potential move to Chelsea FC broke down today after John Terry couldn't agree to personal terms with Ba's wife.

[BossMark]

"I'm sorry but there's no air conditioning in your room," the lady at the hotel desk said to me.

"Don't worry", I replied, "I got my wife with me."

[Jimbuna]

We started to build a new extension last week on the back of our house and the block work has just been finished by a sub contractor. The builder we hired is a pure perfectionist and inspected every detail of the block layers work.

"That stupid **** has not put any mortar in the joints of the brickwork around the windows, pass me a trowel and some wet cement," he said angrily.

"Here you go," I said "would it have caused much damage?"

"It would let water in and eventually cause serious issues down the line."

"Oh" I said, "Thanks for pointing that out."

[BossMark]

My car broke down last night whilst I was on my way to deliver a coffin to a bereaved family. I continued on foot when I got stopped by a police officer.

"Oy," said the officer, "where are you heading to at this time of the night?"

I calmly said, "I don't like where I was buried, So I'm relocating."

The bastard immediately took to his heels with sheer terror.

[Jimbuna]

A man went into a bar and stood next to a fella with a small Jack Russell. The radio was announcing the football results. When the commentator announced the score - Liverpool 1, Man United 0, the dog started doing somersaults.

"Does your dog do that every time Liverpool win a game?" he asked.

"I don't know" replied the fella, "I've only had him two years."

[BossMark]

As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.

"Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled.

"No love, don't mind him!" I said. "It's just you're eating off his plate."

[Jimbuna]

My wife ran up to me for protection after she provoked this bloke at the bar last night.
''Don't worry luv, I'll be by your side.'' I assured her. I kept my word though, I was by her side thoughout the night...


At her hospital bed.

[BossMark]

I met a blonde in a club last night and I asked, "What's your name?"

"It's K," she replied.

"That's sexy," I said, "What's it short for?"

She smiled and answered, "So I can spell it."

[Jimbuna]

I'm painting a picture of the unnamed celebrity in the latest Yewtree arrests

Can you tell who it is yet?

[BossMark]

I've noticed a lot of people are laughing at Jim Davidson today...

He must be pleased, that's something that has never happened to him before.

[Jimbuna]

Kevin-Prince Boateng has kicked a ball at a section of the AC Milan crowd because they were racially abusing him.

It's a good job Robin Van Persie wasnt in the crowd, he could have been killed.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Jim Davidson had changed his catchphrase from 'Nick, nick!' to 'Nicked, nicked!'.

[BossMark]

I was taking my wife hunting with me and bought her the most adorable hunting outfit yesterday.

She thought the antlers on the hat were really cute.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6933607936/h705F036C/

[BossMark]

To the lady in front of me.

It's a speed bump, not a bloody land mine

[Jimbuna]

Russia has offered residency to Gerard Depardieu, but will he actually move there?

Who nose.

[BossMark]

What's the difference between the Blue Square Conference North division and the Scottish Premier League?

One's played at a terrible standard in front of a handful of people, the other is a part time league.

[Jimbuna]

I'd hate to be van Persie right now. There's a football out there somewhere with his name on it.

[BossMark]

I filled in all my paperwork to move to Australia, but got refused entry because I lied about my criminal record.

I don't really have one.

[Jimbuna]

My two Rottweilers can protect the house from any burglar.

Unless they bring a Hoover with them.

[BossMark]

Just seen the chamber of secrets for the first time.

Or as it's better known, 'BBC headquarters'.

[Jimbuna]

The barman said to me, "I've hired a bagpipes player for tonight."

"What's the occasion?" I asked

"I want to close early."

[BossMark]

Robin Van Persie has experts monitoring him 24/7 due to a severe suicide attempt scare. Reports suggest he deliberately attempted to head a ball in training where he could have been killed.

[Jimbuna]

I took my wife to a newly opened exclusive Caribbean restaurant in Birmingham tonight, owned by a former member of UB40. It didn't go well though, just before the starter arrived she started swearing, grabbed her bag and ran for the door.

'Why did you do that for? I asked her outside.

'There's no way I'm eating in that dirty, sordid place! she replied.

'Why not? I protested.

'Well, didn't you hear? The Jamaican chef was shouting that there's a rat in my kitchen, what I'm going to do, there's a rat in my kitchen what I'm going to do...'

[BossMark]

A man in the pub asked me if I wanted to help him coach a football team.

I said, "Sorry, I don't know anything about football."

"It's OK, neither do I," he laughed, "plus the money is good."

"OK, sign me up," I replied. "What's your name again?"

"Alan Pardew."

[Jimbuna]

I said to the wife, "You haven't said a word all night, is there something wrong?"

"What do you care?" she spat.

"Well, if something is bothering you that much to shut you up, I want to know for future reference."

[BossMark]

Last night I spent 6 hours in my local A&E...

There was noting wrong with me I just like watching all the pissed up injured people its better than what was on TV on a Saturday night

[Jimbuna]

Luis Suarez - always on hand to help Liverpool win.

[BossMark]

JK Rowling's new book will see her famous young wizard embark on his most difficult quest yet, in search of a mystical realm in London, that no living mortal has ever laid eyes upon...

It's called Harry Potter and the Affordable Two Bedroom Terrace.

[Jimbuna]

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife's body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her face. "I can't be certain." I told them.

The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts. "Sorry, but I'm still not sure."

They took the sheet completely off and I had a good look. "That's definitely not her, Officer. My wife's not black."

[BossMark]

My wife called me a stupid idiot for not being able to find a present for our friends christening.

I've spent all week looking for a happy 0th birthday card for them.

[Jimbuna]

Little Susie is standing on the bathroom scales.

"Does it hurt?" says Little Johnny.

"No," says Susie. "Why should it hurt?"

"Well," says Johnny, "every time mummy stands on there she screams her head off."

[BossMark]

So Pamela Anderson is the first to be voted off Dancing on Ice because of a 'embarrassing wardrobe malfunction'.

Proof that it's only gays and middle-aged women who watch that show.

[Jimbuna]

"I got a fit girls' phone number last night," I told my mate.

"Really!" He replied, "how did you manage that?"

"I overheard her giving it to some guy at the bar."

[BossMark]

Howard Webb has been announced as the referee during next weeks Manchester United victory over Liverpool.

[Jimbuna]

A word of advice.Never ever go shopping with Bono.

It's been seven hours and the bugga still hasn't found what he's looking for.

[AVGWarhawk]

Wife: When I die, do you think you'll remarry?
Husband: I don't know.
Wife: Well if you did, would you let her sleep on our bed?
Husband: I don't know.
Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husand: No, she's left handed.

[Jimbuna]

"Crap, I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"Just cancel it. Tell them you're sick."

[BossMark]

Sitting on the couch together, my wife said to me, "Honey, my hands are so cold".

I said, "Great! Here, hold my beer!"

[Jimbuna]

Out shopping in Liverpool today, my toddler son started having a tantrum and threw his red toy car out of his buggy.


By the time I picked it up, it was blue and the VIN had been doctored.

[BossMark]

Apparently if you count the spots on a ladybird that indicates how old it is. It's a good job that doesn't apply to humans...

The whole McDonald's work force would be old enough to retire.

[Jimbuna]

It's so hard to find the right person these days.

All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach.

It'll give her something to do whilst I watch football.

[BossMark]

We're having a flag day at work tomorrow.

I've only got a white one, so I'll be France.

[Jimbuna]

I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

[BossMark]

The man with the recent hand transplant has just been caught shoplifting in Tesco.........turns out the donor was a scouser !!!!!

[Sailor Steve]

It's so hard to find the right person these days.

All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach.

It'll give her something to do whilst I watch football.
LOL.

Reminds me of a true-life story from my late friend Rocky. Rocky's wife was a born hiker. She loved to take long weekend trips out to the country, and while it really wasn't his thing (unless there was some shooting involved) he went along on family trips just to keep the peace. Rocky always took along a big box full of unpainted wargaming figs, plus adequate supplies. While his wife and kids went for long walks in the desert and mountains, Rocky would sit outside the tent with a portable table and chair, happily doing what he did at home anyway.

In later years his kids got old enough to paint stuff themselves, and his poor wife ended up going for long hikes in the mountains alone.

MEN! :nope:

[BossMark]

"What the hell are you doing!?" I said to my wife, "You've reversed the car over my motorbike!"

She said, "It's your own fault for leaving it in the shed!"

[Jimbuna]

Tomorrow I am taking the wife to visit her great grandad so she can spend a long time with him ... He was buried at sea.

[BossMark]

Stoke City have released Michael Owen after another injury scare.

He fell out of the transfer window.

[Jimbuna]

I saw David and Victoria Beckham at a party last night.

I walked over to David and said, "I never knew that you were blind."

"I'm not." he replied.

I said, "So what's with the white stick?"

[BossMark]

I was playing Poker with the wife last night when she said, "I fold."

"I know you do love," I replied, "And you do a damn good job of the washing and ironing too."

[Jimbuna]

I took a girl back to my house last night.

Just as we were about to have sex, she gave me a condom.
I looked at it and asked her, ''How does it work? I've never used it in my life.''

''Ooh,'' she smiled, '' You're still a virgin?''

I said, ''No, but I have six children with six different mothers.''

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber was hated by everyone so much, even Jimmy Saville turned down the opportunity to meet him.

[Cybermat47]

Justin Bieber was hated by everyone so much, even Jimmy Saville turned down the opportunity to meet him.

I don't see what's so funny about the truth :06:

[Jimbuna]

A woman from a local charity came to my front door and asked if I'd like to donate to a new pool they're building for kids.

I told her to hang on a minute and came back with a glass of water.

[BossMark]

Just been down the seats of my wife's car and found a pair of men's boxer shorts and some handcuffs... I put them back, and I will try and look surprised on Christmas day :) .. very clever my wife, buying in the January sales..

[Jimbuna]

Just seen the Bailiffs empty my local Jessops store

They were in and out in a flash

[Herr-Berbunch]

Just seen the Bailiffs empty my local Jessops store

They were in and out in a flash

I'm waiting to see if there are any more developments.

[Jimbuna]

I'm waiting to see if there are any more developments.

Be sure to film everything you see.

[BossMark]

So John McCririck is suing Channel 4 because he was replaced by the younger Clare Balding.

Could have been worse John. You could have been replaced by a woman.

[Jimbuna]

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls.
I said to him: "They're like buses."
He said: "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?"
I said: "No, they are like buses!

[BossMark]

Just saw a Kangaroo collapse in the rough on the golf course..

I think he's out of bounds.

[Jimbuna]

An eminent doctor goes for a meal in a gourmet restaurant. As he is inspecting the menu, the head waiter appears and tries to be particularly helpful:

"You might be interested to know that I have pickled liver, braised kidneys and stewed tongue."

"Sounds terrible," says the doctor. "Call my surgery and make an appointment for tomorrow. I'll have the fish."

[BossMark]

I can't believe how my wife embarrassed me earlier. I was in the pub and she walked in with my dinner, put it down in front of me and said "Seeing as you don't know when it's time to come home you can have your food here".

Stupid cow forgot the knife and fork.

[Jimbuna]

You think Swansea striker Michu is good now? wait 'till he evolves into Mikachu !!

[BossMark]

I used to think Victoria Beckham was thin until I bought some bacon from Poundland

[Jimbuna]

"Is anyone sitting here?" I asked, as I made my way up the aisle.

"Er, no" said the bloke.

"Great," I said, sitting down, "when does the film start?"

"I'm not sure."

"Do you want a Malteser?" I said, offering the bag.

"No thanks. Look, it's not really my business but do you really think you should be sitting here?"

"Why ever not?"

"Well, you're the pilot."

[BossMark]

Paddy gets pulled over by the police.

"Didn't you see the 'No Overtaking' sign back there?" says the police officer.

"Yes, Officer, I did," says Paddy, "but I'm not driving a red car."

[Jimbuna]

I used to hate beards until about 3 years ago

Now they've really grown on me

[BossMark]

I met the girl of my dreams the other day,

Half hour later, I completely forgot what she looked like.

[Jimbuna]

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[BossMark]

I came home from the pub, went upstairs and said to my wife, "I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight love."

"That's thoughtful of you," she said, "you're pissed and don't want to disturb me?"

"No, I've brought a woman back with me."

[Jimbuna]

I just passed a man who has parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road.

Don't know how he can sleep with that horn blaring though?

[BossMark]

I went on an awful date at the weekend. The conversation was forced, we had nothing in common, and I definitely didn't find her attractive in the slightest.

Thank god my wedding anniversary meal is only once a year.

[Jimbuna]

As we sat snuggling on the couch, my wife asked, "Honey, what would you say is my greatest fault?"

"Well", I replied, "you don't react well to criticism."

"Screw you!", she screamed, as she kicked our baby in the head and set fire to the curtains.

[BossMark]

I saw my mate in the pub with a gorgeous blonde. When she went to the toilet I went over to congratulate him.

"Nice one!" I said, "A marked improvement on that moose I saw you in town with last week."

"Are you drunk Mark?" He asked.

"I've had a few," I replied, "but I wouldn't say I was drunk."

"Really?" He asked. "It's the same bloody girl."

[Jimbuna]

My first day in prison and two big guys said they're going to come by my cell later tonight and knock my back doors in.

What nice chaps going to all that trouble, helping me escape.

[BossMark]

"I don't believe that you cheated on me!" screamed my wife.


"Really?" I said, "But you saw it with your own eyes."

[Jimbuna]

I was told I looked hot today when I went to Starbucks.

It was a complimentary coffee.

[BossMark]

The French reaction at yesterdays failed attempt to rescue a hostage from Somalia which resulted in the deaths of several French commandos and the hostage has been surprisingly upbeat.
Apparently this is the most successful French military operation since Marshal Petain wagged his finger at a German tank driver for parking too close to his Citroen.

[Jimbuna]

If Mike Tyson really goes ahead with this sex change operation he will have to change his nickname to Ironing Mike Tyson.

[BossMark]

BREAKING NEWS :

Howard Webb will not participate in today's game at Old Trafford.

He suffered a groin injury last night in Man Utd's training..

[Jimbuna]

Nice finish from v.Persie.
Oh well thats my Howard Webb first goalscorer bet out.

[BossMark]

After scoring two own goals and missing a penalty, Jon Walters' day has just got even worse.

Aston Villa want to sign him.

[Jimbuna]

My mate's going on Embarrassing Bodies tomorrow.

He's got a huge Aston Villa tattoo on his back.

[BossMark]

I was chatting up this really fit bird at the pub after buying her several drinks when she looks at me and says, "Please, you're not even close to being on my level."

"That's just great." I thought to myself, "She even plays video games!"

[Cybermat47]

How do you titillate an ocelot?

By oscillating it's tit a lot.

[BossMark]

I used to resent my wife for working such long hours, seven days a week, until I found out she was doing it for my benefit.


As soon as she's got enough money, she's bloody leaving me.

[Jimbuna]

Tomorrow is Afro-caribbean hair day at work.

I'm dreading it.

[BossMark]

Liverpool players have blamed their coach for their dismal form of late, so from now on they'll take the train to away games.

[Jimbuna]

A young lad was kicking his ball against my fence.

I walked out and said, "It's lads like you that end up on Crimewatch."

"Yeah, right!" he laughed, kicking even harder.

He realised I was right half an hour later, lying in a ditch as I poured petrol over his broken body.

[BossMark]

According to forecasters today is the most depressing day of the year.

They got that wrong. Celebrity Big Brother started over a week ago.

[AVGWarhawk]

Sex after Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
.
.
.
.
.
.


"No...........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk!

[Jimbuna]

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

[BossMark]

Jeremy Kyle - "Benefit scroungers make me sick!"
Phil Schofield from This Morning - "A nation on benefits is no nation at all"
Loose Women - "It's about time Britain got working and stopped sponging!"

...they say to their target-audience of single mums, OAP's, and those held at Her Majesty's Pleasure.

[Jimbuna]

We were having some friends over for dinner and my wife was getting nervous.

"When it's time to eat," she said, "do I say 'Dinner is ready' or 'Dinner is served'?"

I said, "If it's anything like your usual cooking, just say 'Dinner is knackered'."

[BossMark]

Got the lads from the AA to tow me home in the snow last night..

it was a right laugh 6 pissed up guy's pulling me on a sledge

[Jimbuna]

After hearing that Gordon Strachan has been appointed Scotland manager.....

I've put a tenner on them to get relegated.

[BossMark]

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested.

She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: bugger, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?

[Jimbuna]

I'm not looking forward to seeing the "Game Makers" at the Commonwealth games next year in Glasgow.

After they give you directions you'll feel really obliged to buy a big issue from them as well.

[BossMark]

My neighbour is bloody stupid.

He just sold me a £50 HMV gift card for £25!

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between HMV and Victoria Beckham?

HMV sold CD's.

[BossMark]

Administrators are to try and help HMV pay off £176 million in debts.

Although, knowing HMV, the debts are probably a lot cheaper online.

[Jimbuna]

If Concorde travelled at twice the speed of sound, how did they speak to air-traffic control?

[BossMark]

Gordon Strachan has been named the new Scotland manager, and wants to make the country proud.
Lets hope for his sake he's managing the ladies curling team.

[Jimbuna]

The wife and i were arguing about where to go on holiday next year. I wanted to go somewhere hot and sunny whereas she wants somewhere cool where she wont get a tan. We managed to reach a compromise though. As a result I'm on a plane to barbados and she's in a shallow grave in Hyde Park

[BossMark]

I feel sorry for the staff about to lose their jobs at HMV. .

. . over-trained for McDonald's, under-trained for literally everything else.

[Sailor Steve]

If Concorde travelled at twice the speed of sound, how did they speak to air-traffic control?
Modern technology. Have you seen how fast a reel of string can unwind these days?

[Jimbuna]

Modern technology. Have you seen how fast a reel of string can unwind these days?

I have an evil masterplan;

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.

Then I will finally be able to conker the World.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I've recently bought the wife some Union Jack knickers.

I call them her Belfast Pants.

Every time I pull them down there is a protest.

[BossMark]

I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter....

I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

[Jimbuna]

I had to get my wife a birthday present so dashed down to the High St. today. Jessops shut. HMV shut. Comet shut. Ann Summers open.

Never mind, I'll stick a tenner in her card.

[BossMark]

I just seen a bloke shoplifting beefburgers from Tesco getting chased by two security guards .. he must have been at it for months because the bastard covered half a mile of car park in ten seconds and jumped the 6 foot perimeter fence.

[Jimbuna]

Following the news about Segments of Horses been found in Tesco's Burgers they have decided to reduce the Price of them from 50-1 to 25-1!

[BossMark]

The government guidelines for road travel in the snow, suggest that you carry thermal clothing, a blanket, a Thermos, a hazard warning triangle, a snow shovel, grit, a flash light, extra batteries and enough food and drink to last for 24 hours. bugger me did I look a Pratt on the bus this morning

[Lord_magerius]

New Tesco burgers: Low in fat, high in Shergar.

[Jimbuna]

I've just heard there's a problem with Tesco's toothpaste...

And that's straight from the horses mouth.

[BossMark]

HMV vouchers now being accepted at Tesco.

Just tell them HMV means Horse Meat Voucher

[Jimbuna]

Shopping on line I selected some burgers on the Tesco website...

I then clicked on "add to cart"

[Herr-Berbunch]

Tescos are now testing all there vegetarian burgers for traces of Uniquorn.

[Jimbuna]

I've just checked the burgers in my fridge .......

And they're off!

[BossMark]

Tesco's burgers found to contain 29% horse meat?

I didn't realise there was that much meat in them!

[Jimbuna]

I'm keeping warm during this cold snap by buying burgers from Tesco.

One of them is bound to contain a decent jumper.

[BossMark]

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'

Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

[Jimbuna]

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I know it's a picture, but it'll fit in here better than the funny pic thread.

http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/8651/baggingarea.jpg

[BossMark]

Took me ages to find the burgers in Tesco this morning.


They were down by the carrots.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Never having another one of those Tesco burgers. Gave me the trots.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Gotta admit though, when the disease will inevitably hit - 'Crazy Horse' sounds way cooler that 'Mad Cow'.

[Jimbuna]

Right come on guys...calm it with the Tesco jokes...it's all horseplay now!

[Herr-Berbunch]

I'm chomping at the bit for more Tesco horse jokes.

[BossMark]

Quote from Prince Charles
" I don't know what all this Tesco fuss is about, I've been eating horse for years, haven't I Camilla

[Jimbuna]

In TESCO today the cashier asked if I 'would like a nose bag for life.'

[BossMark]

It would seem the managers at Tesco are compulsive gamblers.

They've lost over 300 million pounds in 24 hours on the horses.

[Jimbuna]

I popped into Tesco yesterday to pick up a box of chicken wings.

When I saw they were made by a company called Pegasus, I put them back, just in case.

[BossMark]

Fewer celebrities seem to be advertising products for a supermarket.
I'm not surprised after what happened to Sarah Jessica Parker at Tesco.

[Jimbuna]

If you have been put off of Tesco's burgers after the horse meat scandal, may I recommend Tesco finest meatballs, they're the dogs bollocks!

[frenzied]

Tesco managers have reportedly shrugged and said 'horses for courses'

[BossMark]

Not to be outdone by Tesco's latest marketing campaign, furious McDonald's have just announced that they are from today putting a new ingredient in their beef burgers too: beef.

[Herr-Berbunch]

To beef, or not to beef?

That is equestrian.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I was in the Tesco canteen the other day and the woman serving asked if I'd like anything on my burger, I said yes please - a fiver each way.

[BossMark]

Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and a Farm Foods burger to find out which had the best taste.

The Tesco one won by a nose.

[Jimbuna]

Due to the closure of HMV and Blockbuster,
you can now buy Steven Spielberg's 'War Horse'
At the food section in Tesco's....

[BossMark]

After I lost the house, I slipped into a deep, dark depression and attempted suicide on several occasions.

My wife said I take bingo far too seriously.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen a bloke with a dog outside HMV.

[BossMark]

I thought my tesco burger had been cooked on a George Foreman grill turns out they were marks from the jockeys whip

[Jimbuna]

New releases this week at Blockbuster -

The staff.

[BossMark]

My doctor told me I should watch what I eat.

So I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April.

[Jimbuna]

I woke up this morning expecting the whole Tescoburger story to have blown over. But I can see this one's just going to run and run.

[BossMark]

Brendan Rodgers has denied rumours in the press that Andy Carroll has any involvement in the Tesco / horse burger scandal.

"He's not a horse, he's a donkey".

[BossMark]

I went to Tesco earlier to go and grab some dinner, and after what I've been hearing all day, I definitely wasn't taking any chances...

So hot dogs it is.

[Jimbuna]

I've been told to expect 10 to 12 inches in some parts tonight, but on the bright side it's meant to be snowing tomorrow

[Jimbuna]

Tesco Finest Meal Deal;

Starters (orders):
CANTERloupe melon

MANE Course:
Braised stuffed TROTTERS with seasonal veg and fresh HORSEradish

Pastry CORONET served with strawberries, cream and SUGAR CUBES

[BossMark]

My wife just walked straight past me in Asda without seeing me!

Maybe I should put a 50% off sticker on my forehead..

[Jimbuna]

Despite the closure of HMV and Blockbuster, you can still buy Steven Spielberg's 'War Horse'...

At the frozen food aisle in Tesco.

#3163

[Jimbuna]

Apparently some of the horses were molested before being put into the burgers at Tesco.

Police are asking people who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.

[BossMark]

#3163
Changed it :yep:

Thousands of dead fish have washed up on the coast of South Carolina.

Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.

[Jimbuna]

Just lost my job as a shelf stacker at Tesco, when the packet of frozen burgers I threw at Dave hit the store manager on the head.

Seems they have a zero tolerance policy on horse play

[BossMark]

Boeing's 787 Dreamliner, the only passenger jet to have a plastic fuselage, has been grounded.

Presumably Airfix failed to put a big enough tube of glue in the box.

[Jimbuna]

"This afternoons all-weather meeting at Lingfield has been abandoned due to the snow"

So not "all weather" then

[BossMark]

When my wife throws a ball she can't hit the side of a barn...

But my head, she can hit with a vase from across the room.

[Jimbuna]

I just slipped and fell over in the snow and asked this guy to help me but he just stood there pointing at me and smiling, so I got up and punched him in the face. The bloody coward just dropped his carrot and vanished.

[Aces]

WARNING FOR ICY CONDITIONS

A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:

Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag

Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

24 hours supply of food and drink

De-Icer

5Kgs of Rock Salt

Torch or lantern with spare batteries

Road Flares and Reflective Triangles

Tow rope

5 gallon petrol can

First Aid Kit

Jump Leads

I looked like a complete prat on the bus this morning !!!!!

[Herr-Berbunch]

WARNING FOR ICY CONDITIONS

<snip>

I looked like a complete prat on the bus this morning !!!!!


http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=1993846&postcount=3135

Mark beat you to it. :O:

[Jimbuna]

With being snowed in the house I decided to watch a bit of 'The Only Way Is Essex' on catch-up.

It has to be said, the best part was about twelve minutes into the first episode, when with all the bad weather, we had a power cut.

[BossMark]

Just a few words of advice for everyone in these snowy conditions, if the BBC ask you to send in pictures of you and your family having fun in the snow, don't do it.

It's just an excuse to get pictures of your kids.

[Jimbuna]

Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller...

Do I have to think of everything?

[BossMark]

Paddy rang Murphy last night.

"Listen, me and Susan are virgins and I really want our first time to be special" Paddy said.

"So you want some advice?" Murphy asked.

"No, not really, more of a favour" he replied.

"Could you babysit her two daughters whilst she comes to mine?"

[Jimbuna]

Blind Archers?

They don't know what they're missing.

[BossMark]

My son told me today that he wanted to become a scum artist.

I said, "Don't you mean 'scam' artist?"

"No," he replied, passing me his portraits of man utd.

[Jimbuna]

Whoever Makes Bubble Wrap Must Have The Self Control Of A Shaolin Monk

[BossMark]

Regulators have grounded all Boeing 787's.

They must have been really naughty.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently the Met Office have issued a red snow warning. If that's anything like what I've heard about yellow snow then I'm staying inside.

[BossMark]

Apparently, Oprah asked Lance Armstrong if he'd do a blood test on the show.

Armstrong said he'd be happy too but he'd left most of his blood at home.

[Jimbuna]

I've just seen a sign in the post office that said "Stamps sold by the book".

It's good to know that someone follows the rules.

[BossMark]

After watching my elderly neighbour struggling to clear the snow off her driveway for over an hour, I put my coat on and went outside.

"Ethel?" I said.

"Yes?" she replied breathlessly.

"Would you like a young strapping lad like me to bring you out a nice cup of tea?"

[Jimbuna]

My wife's planning a quiet night in with a bottle of wine and a candle lit bath.

So I just offered to fill it for her and she said, "Yes please love, if you don't mind."

It cost me a bomb in petrol but it should go up a treat when it's been lit with the candle.

[BossMark]

I don't know why there's all that fuss about Tesco's "horse meat" beef burgers.

Carling's been made out of donkey's piss for years!

[Jimbuna]

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday.

The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.

[BossMark]

Snooker player Judd Trump says that one nasty kiss ruined his tournament.

Well Judd, one nasty kiss ruined my entire bloody life.

[Jimbuna]

After we finished building our snowman, I said to my son: "Let's give him a name. A snowman has got to have a name. What shall we call him?"

"Can we name him after your boss, dad?" came the surprising reply.

"Why do you want to name him after Kev?"

"Because he's sat there doing bugga all."

Good lad.

[BossMark]

When a woman says she needs a clear-out, all of her friends come running round to get the best clothes.
But when a man says he needs a clear-out, his friends ask him not to use all the toilet paper.

[Jimbuna]

Lance Armstrong has been stripped of all his titles for taking banned substances.
Does that mean that all his titles will go to the next person who wasn't taking banned substances?
So the person who came last is now the winner!

[BossMark]

I love watching films in 3D...

It's my favourite seat.

[Jimbuna]

My wife's had enough of the fact that I spend all our spare cash money adding to my collection of old records.

She's given me a vinyl warning.

[BossMark]

My wife said she's leaving me because of my gambling addiction.
I bet she doesn't get past the gate.

[Jimbuna]

My dad used to be a mime artist.

He kept that quiet.

[BossMark]

Robin Van Persie has sacrificed his life for his team Manchester United.

By scoring a goal with his head.

[Jimbuna]

Since it started snowing the kids have done nothing but push their face up to the glass and stare through the window.

If it gets any worse I guess I'll have to let them back in.

[BossMark]

After years of marriage I've had to stop having sex with the wife.

I've run out if people to think about.

[Jimbuna]

I suggested to my date that she should come to my house for dinner and sex.

She said, "Hold on here, let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"I'm only joking," I laughed. "I can't even cook."

[BossMark]

Sources have revealed Luis Suarez applied to go on Splash!

But was turned down cause he's better at diving than Tom Daley.

[Jimbuna]

I hope Tesco don't intentionally start selling horse meat.

Because it will probably contain traces of jockey.

[BossMark]

It has been predicted that by 2014 you'll be no more than five feet away from one of Katie Price's ex husbands

[Jimbuna]

Snow in Britain; The only thing that settles here from off the continent that doesn't claim benefits.

[BossMark]

Paddy calls 999.

"Help! My sofa's on fire!"

"How did the fire come about?"

"God knows," says Paddy, "some Stone Age guy in a cave ..."

[Jimbuna]

I've got a new job as Baron Frankenstein's assistant. The hours are long and the job prospects are limited.

But its a way of making a living.

[BossMark]

The slippery, ice and snow covered roads have severely affected my wife's driving.

She inadvertently went in a straight line today.

[Jimbuna]

I love my new job as a singer.

I have always wanted to be a sewing machine

[BossMark]

Our midwife asked me if I was against breast feeding in public.

"I don't know, I've never been that hungry when out and about." Wasn't exactly the answer she was expecting.

[Herr-Berbunch]

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER!' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

GIT ASKED..










'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[BossMark]

I was walking through town when I spotted a man with four bundles of wool and two huge needles sticking out of his head.

I think he had knits.

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife to take the car down the shop because the battery was nearly dead.

They said, "Sorry ma'am, we can't help you with this."

"Why?" she asked. "Is the car wrecked?"

"No, ma'am," they replied. "This is the Carphone Warehouse."

[BossMark]

OK Mr Armstrong, you want to get back into sport, but after a career based on drugs, make believe, lies, deception & mock outrage, who would accept you?

How about signing for man utd

[Jimbuna]

I was told that buying shares in HMV would be a sound investment!

[BossMark]

"How did your Sarcasm Support Group meeting go tonight, love?", asked my wife.


"It was great", I replied, "I feel sooooo much better."

[Jimbuna]

To keep it a bit upbeat at my funeral parlour, me and the staff always have silly cash bets on the next famous person to die.

We have a Winner!

[geetrue]

I got booted out of the lolboot thread lol

How was I was suppose to know ...
give me a break I'm just an old man :haha:

Last years puns or perhaps last fifty years even :yep:


I tried to catchsome fog, but I mist

When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.


They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


PMS jokes aren't funny, period.


Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!


Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!


Broken pencils are pointless.


What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.


Velcro - what a rip off!


Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner? Oh deer!


Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.


I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[BossMark]

I bought a fitness app for my smart phone the other day.

According to that, I've played on my PS3 for 20 miles this week.

[Jimbuna]

I went to my doctor because I was having this reoccurring dream about a pack of playing cards.
"I'll deal with you in a minute" he said laughing", like he had just invented a new joke and was the funniest man in the world.
"Can you take me seriously please doctor, these jokes are quite old, so lets just get over it and move on, this is a real issue for me", I said to him.
"Okay, suit yourself!" he said again laughing like a lunatic.
Anyway, by this point I was fed up so I decked him.

[BossMark]

New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup.


He has bought himself a new TV.

[Jimbuna]

Son : What is attacking football dad ?
Dad : We don't know son , we are Leeds fans.

[BossMark]

Son : What is attacking football dad ?
Dad : We don't know son , we are Leeds fans.
:o

I don't know why Scousers get such a bad press.

A lovely young man just knocked on my door and said what with all this snow, if I give him my car keys he will move it and clear my drive.

[Jimbuna]

Whoopee, No school again tomorrow because of the snow.

I love being a teacher.

[BossMark]

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.

[Jimbuna]

I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the heck is wrong with women these days?"

[BossMark]

Newcastle have signed French defender Yanga-Mbiwa.

Ironically, that's Geordie for "Did you upset my pint?"

[Herr-Berbunch]

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 11.30.

[BossMark]

As soon as we finished I felt a rush of guilt and shame.
"No-one must ever know about this," I said.
"But why Daddy?" He asked innocently, "It was fun."
I gripped him by his shoulders, "A lot of people wouldn't understand and they'd call Daddy very bad names! You must promise never to tell!"
"OK Daddy," he said, as tears welled up in his eyes, "I promise. You're hurting me Daddy."
"Good boy," I replied, letting him go. "When you get a bit older you'll realise that there are certain things that dads and little boys shouldn't do together.. And making cupcakes while Mummy is at work is certainly one of them."

[Jimbuna]

A boss says to his new blonde assistant, "If I give you five million pounds and subtract 10%,how much do you take off?"

"Everything,including my knickers" says the blonde.

[BossMark]

I felt sorry for a homeless guy yesterday sitting alone in the freezing cold and the snow, so I gave him my hat and scarf.

He can build him self a snowman to keep him company now.

[Jimbuna]

My grandfather's always telling people he's 'in touch with his inner self'.

He carries out his own prostate examinations.

[BossMark]

On April 24 2012 John Terry was sent off at the Nou Camp.

Nine months later, Shakira's son is born.

[Herr-Berbunch]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, The British Archaeological Society of Northern England reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Makes you proud to be British. :D

[BossMark]

David Cameron calls for UK referendum on EU membership...

If we do decide to leave Europe, I hope we move somewhere warmer.

[Jimbuna]

My mate has just published a book called 99 Ways To Say You're Sorry.

He asked me to help and make it 100 before he did, but I ignored it.

Guess I owe him an apology.

[BossMark]

I see on the Tesco direct advert the woman orders a tiger loaf.

Good god what have they done now?!

[Jimbuna]

People say four leaf clovers are lucky but how many meadows have you seen that have won the lottery?

Thought so.

[BossMark]

Did you hear about the guy who found the secret of making a woman happy.

No, neither did I.

[Jimbuna]

I went to one of those people who sort out your problems with alternative remedies. She played some new age music, applied essential oils, some acupuncture and massaged my buttocks with licorice

It didn't work - the washing machine still won't drain

[BossMark]

In rural Ireland until recently Paddy McNee was making and selling chicken burgers. These became very popular due to the taste, an old family secret passed down through the generations, and before long Paddy had to expand his manufacturing operations to keep up with demand. He began exporting to Europe, where they were received even better and he soon became rich.

Little did anyone know he had been mixing horse meat into the chicken burgers, and guilt got the better of him, so he went to Church to relieve his conscience...

"How much horse did u put into the chicken burgers, Patrick?" asked the Priest at confession.

"I never went beyond the 50/50 mark, Father." he replied. "One chicken, one horse."