The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

If you choke a smurf. What colour does he turn?

[BossMark]

"Are you coming to my fancy dress party?"

"I don't really do fancy dress."

"Oh come on, please, it'll be fun."

"Erm...ok."

"Cool. Who will you be?"

"The Invisible Man."

[Jimbuna]

I asked a girl I was chatting to on the internet if she fancied meeting up.

She said, "I'm not sure.... What if you're some weirdo? I've never even seen you!"

"Wierdo? Don't be daft!" I replied. "Shall we meet by the Burger King in town at, say, seven?"

"Oh... Go on then!" she said. "I'll be wearing denim jeans and a yellow top so you can spot me."

"Fantastic!" I replied. "I'll be in a leather gimp suit and pink high heels."

[BossMark]

I told my mum I had murdered someone the other day and she said I should turn myself in to the police.

I've put on a cop's uniform and it looks like suicide to me.

[Jimbuna]

Financial Advice in these dark times.

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago, it would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier this week, your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

But if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium recycling plant, you would get £214.

So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Platapus]

A man and woman were having sex.

Halfway through, the man suddenly froze and remained motionless for a few minutes

The woman asked him what going on.

"I am trying a new sexual technique I learned by watching porn on the Internet. It is called "buffering".

[BossMark]

Just before he died, my Grandad expressed a wish to be buried next to his wife.

Unfortunately, he couldn't tell us where exactly he buried her.

[Jimbuna]

As I reluctantly boarded our Malaysian plane, the air hostess did her best to put me at ease.

"Sir, I can see you're very worried but we do have the best pilot in our company flying today," she said.

"Oh you're just saying that!" I scoffed. "How can you possibly know?"

"Because statistically, this one has the same number of landings as take-offs."

[BossMark]

I said to my mate, "I saw a man get thrown under a bus today!"

He said, "Oh my God, was it moving?"

I said, "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."

[Jimbuna]

I got kicked out of the amnesia ward today, but its great to know that there's 8 guys who now think they're Jason Bourne.

[Platapus]

"Because statistically, this one has the same number of landings as take-offs."

Technically all pilots have the same number of take-offs and landings... depending on how one defines landing. :o

[Jimbuna]

A young lion was talking to an older lion just before they were to be let into the Roman Forum for the final showdown with the Christians.

"This is the first time for me, I'm not sure what I should do," said the younger lion.

The older lion says, "It's easy: you run up to the Christians and roar as load as you can and take a swipe at them with your paw, just before you eat them!"

"Why all the theatrics?" asks the younger lion. "Shouldn't we just eat them?"

The older lion shakes his head, "NO, it's better to scare the crap out of them first...they taste better that way!"

[Catfish]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men. The squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low life scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left-wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us. "

[BossMark]

BBC News: Indian boy in record 1,009 runs.

Not sure about the world record, I had an Indian the other night and am sure I beat that the next day

[Jimbuna]

During our day at the lake, my mate asked, "What's the biggest fish you've ever caught?"

"Have you ever seen the film Jaws?"

"Yeah."

"Well it was about the same size as the box the DVD comes in."

[BossMark]

When I was younger, I always wanted to be an Illusionist.

No matter how hard I tried, I never managed to perfect the Illusion of sawing people in two.

Much to the dismay of my six half brothers and two half sisters.

[BossMark]

The wife came home from work to find me sat on the couch, watching tv and drinking wine.

"What's this? You said you were having a dry January!" She shouted.

"It is dry" I replied, "it's a sauvignon blanc."

[Jimbuna]

"Kim Jong Un Thinks He's Surprised The World With Development of H-Bomb".


They're going to be less surprised than he thinks, when it goes off and a banner with the word "BANG!" written on it pops out.

[BossMark]

My New Year's resolution for 2015 was to join a gym.

My New Year's resolution for 2016 is to go to that gym.

[Jimbuna]

"I can't believe it, I was only one second away from catching my train and the doors just shut in my face", I said, trying to start a conversation with the woman next to me. She wasn't interested though.

She just kept screaming things like "Who are you?" and "Get out of my car!"

[BossMark]

"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said.

"I didn't know snooker was on, I thought the season was over, " replied my wife.

"It is, " I answered, "I'm watching the bloody bin man. "

[Jimbuna]

Despite the worldwide success of blockbuster movie The Secret Wives of Henry VIII..........the film has struggled to make an impact at American cinemas.

A United States economist said "We're not surprised the movie has struggled, given that the previous 7 films were not released over here".

[BossMark]

The moment our lottery numbers came up on TV, my wife asked me what I wanted to do.

I replied, "Go back in time and not spend the ticket money in the pub."

[BossMark]

The NHS have come up with a new way to help people with sleeping problems without the use of drugs...
As of tomorrow Manchester United match recordings will be available on Prescription!

[Jimbuna]

A very badly behaved little boy refuses to get off of a very expensive rocking horse on display in a department store. His embarrassed mother eventually gives in and asks for some help from a shop assistant.
"Don't worry" says the assistant "We employ a very qualified child psychologist at our store to deal with this kind of thing".
She makes a quick call and within minutes he appears, goes over to the unruly brat and gently whispers in his ear. The child immediately dismounts the horse and once again joins his mother.
The shop assistant looks admiringly at the psychologist and says "That was amazing, what did you say to him?".
He leans to her and quietly says "Get off that horse now or i'll kick the crap out of you, you little bugga!".

[Catfish]

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

(Benny Hill)

[Catfish]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces...

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks
"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says
"Here, iron this!"

[Jimbuna]

A radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan screw yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan screw yourself!"

[BossMark]

I've heard rumours my ex girlfriends new boyfriend is abusive.
Which makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat.
And then blame it on her boyfriend.

[BossMark]

Camping:

An activity in which the participants spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

[Jimbuna]

I've just started work as a human chess piece.

The money's good, I'm on knights this week.

[BossMark]

Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life. Based on that math I should have died in 1732

[Jimbuna]

Jerry Hall has hit back at claims she's just another gold digger like Anna Nicole Smith.

"I'm nothing like her" the Texan blonde former model about to marry an elderly billionaire said of the late Texan blonde former model who married an elderly billionaire.

[BossMark]

Jerry Hall & Rupert Murdoch engaged.

If there's one thing that appeals to Jerry more than ugly multi-millionaires it's ugly multi-billionaires.

[Jimbuna]

I made dinner for my new girlfriend last night.

After the meal I said, "Those chips that you've just eaten actually came from my garden this morning."

"Wow!" she smiled, "I didn't know that you grew potatoes?"

I said, "I don't, someone threw them over the fence the day before."

[BossMark]

After revelations that Jimmy Savile committed acts of necrophilia with bodies in the mortuary of an Essex hospital, several women have come forward to claim they were victims

[Jimbuna]

I was out in the countryside enjoying some magic mushrooms, when some walkers gave me a lecture on the dangers of drugs.

"Get lost", I said, "what do you know, you're just a bag of crisps."

[Sailor Steve]

I hate this idea that Chuck Norris has super-human powers. He is an actor, not God, people. If he really is special, I dare him to magically appear in my house now, sneak up behind me and slam my face into my own keyboarfhcfhvjjvggxddd56576fgz d668/ fhuvgsrxgcyseuv hufdg

[magic452]

Apple Does It Again!

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Magic

[BossMark]

Famous couples' nicknames get odder and odder:
Benifer
SamCam
Posh and Becks
and now it's:
Jerry and the Pacemaker

[Catfish]

Apple Does It Again!

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Magic

^ :rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

I've just downloaded a copy of the Bible from the internet.

When I'd finished it said, 'Saved'.

[BossMark]

Tim Peake has become the first British person to walk in space.

Unsurprisingly though, some German tourists got there earlier.

[Jimbuna]

This gin and tonic is 91 calories.

This banana is 105 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

[BossMark]

I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?"

I immediately said, "Thirty-six."

He said, "That's not even close."

I said, "But it was quick."

[Jimbuna]

News: Trump accuses opponent of having Canadian passport.

He doesn't, but like many people, he will if Trump is elected.

[BossMark]

I'm really looking forward to seeing the movie about Sean Penn's life.

Especially the ending where he gets tracked down and murdered by a drugs cartel.

[Jimbuna]

Journalist: "Mr. Putin, you claim Russia has invented a drug to fight Ebola. Has it been tested on rats?"

Putin: "Yes, you could call them that."

[tomfon]

A businessman is trying to find out how smart his employees are.
He first calls his engineer.

- What is the sum of 1+1?
- What kind of question is this, boss? It's 2.

Then he calls his lawyer.

- What is the sum of 1+1?
- It is 2, unless the law says otherwise.

Finally, he calls his accountant.

- So, tell me. What is the sum of 1+1?
- As much as you like, boss.

[BossMark]

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

[tomfon]

^:rotfl2:

It reminds me of this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfDUkR3DOFw)...:rotfl2:

Starts at 0:40.

[BossMark]

Well I'll be buggered, those bloody fools at the flipping hospital have only sodding gone and diagnosed me of having a mild case of blinking tourettes.

[tomfon]

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

I've just remembered a similar one.

Two submarines suddenly emerge and start exchanging messages with morse code.

Sub1: "How many?"

Sub2: "5"

Sub1: "5 what?"

Sub2: "How many, what???"

It's the magnitude of stupidity of this particular one that sometimes makes me laugh & sometimes i find it unbearable...:rotfl2:

But can you imagine this really happening?:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

I just explained Google images to my mum.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

[Dan D]

Warning!

A German joke could happen to each of you anytime.

Better prepare yourselves

[Jimbuna]

Nervously, I sat waiting for the psychic. All of a sudden, he burst in:

"You hate your life, every day is a drag and you can't wait for death."

"That's exactly right," I said, "but you've only just come in, how do you know all that?"

"Easy" he replied, "I've just seen your wife in the waiting room."

[Dan D]

Nervously, I sat waiting for the psychic. All of a sudden, he burst in:

"You hate your life, every day is a drag and you can't wait for death."

"That's exactly right," I said, "but you've only just come in, how do you know all that?"

"Easy" he replied, "I've just seen your wife in the waiting room."

I am repeating myself here:

The husband of the mother of my mothers-in law volunteered as soon as WW II broke out, He was too old to get drafted and had already served in WW I where he was buried alive for three days at Verdun, suffering a bit of a trauma, until they found him and dug him out - still alive.

He went MIA in 1944 somewhere in Ex-Yugoslavia. I tip my hat:salute:

[BossMark]

Tennis officials have today launched an investigation into accusations of corruption at the highest levels of the sport.

They should have started years ago when Venus and Serena Williams were allowed to play in the women's association.

[Jimbuna]

According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest.

[BossMark]

When I die I want my last words to be:

"I left one million pounds under the..."

[Jimbuna]

As I was sitting outside the pub, I saw my mother-in-law walking home with her shopping.

She hasn't been very well and was really struggling with the heavy bags.

"I'll quickly finish this pint," I thought, "and then I'll have another."

[tomfon]

Genius: Someone on a nudists' beach who remembers faces.

[BossMark]

"You're two hours late!" shouted my furious boss.

"Sorry," I said, "Lady bus driver."

"Don't tell me she was driving that slow."

"Nope,I walked instead." I replied.

[Buddahaid]

Warning!

A German joke could happen to each of you anytime.

Better prepare yourselves

OK, ready....
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KkprCJsQ7eE/TBv0yKY4k-I/AAAAAAAABas/nCRhxJhtxLw/s1600/Bomb+Squad+002.jpg

[Jimbuna]

We were watching one of those sporting events of the year programs, they had a clip of the Oxford and Cambridge boat race.

My blonde wife remarked "Aren't they good, it's always those two in the final."

[BossMark]

I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day.

He started asking me all these questions

Like where had I got it from

[GoldenRivet]

I was running late for work and i came to a long stretch of highway 80 leading to my job and took advantage of the straight away to make up some time with a little extra speed.

As i passed a large cluster of bushes i saw a police officer sitting there with a radar gun pointing right at me and sure enough, in pursuit he came, lights flashing and pulls me over

he approached the window and told me that he had caught me speeding and wanted to know why i was in such a hurry

"Im running late for work and its urgent that i get there as soon as possible." i said

"oh?" said the officer "and what do you do that is so important that you have to run 90 in a 55?"

"well..." i answered "I'm a butt hole stretcher at the Proctology clinic"

"a butt hole stretcher? sounds like a bunch of nonsense to me." said the cop as he handed me my ticket

"No, its quite serious" i replied "you see, the proctologist needs room to work, so i lube up my gloved hands and fit in one finger at a time until I'm able to get both hands completely into the patients butt hole, then i slowly stretch it until it reaches six feet."

the officer looked skeptical "What on earth would anyone do with a six foot butt hole?!"

"Well..." i replied "we give them police uniforms and radar guns and sit them on the side of highway 80."

[Jimbuna]

My wife was completely flattered when she was asked to be one of the girls on the Toyota stand at a forklift truck exhibition.

Turns out they were using her to demonstrate the lifting capacity of the truck.

[tomfon]

A woman worries for the future till she finds a man.

A man never worries for the future till he finds a woman.

[BossMark]

How do you humiliate a reality TV star?

Nobody knows.

[Jimbuna]

This one time three men, a French guy, an Italian guy and a Mexican where on a budget airline flight. So budget in fact that the plane doesn't land at their destination, they must jump.

Two hours into the flight the French guy was tired of waiting, so he stuck out his hand to see where he was, "Were in France" he yelled, "I can feel the Eifel Tower" and he jumped home.

Three hours after that the Italian guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "Yeah, We're in Rome, I touched the Collisium!" and he exited the plane.

Another few hours later the Mexican guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "At last, I must be in Mexico, because someone's just stole my watch"

[BossMark]

Caitlyn Jenner turned up to see the birth of her newest grandchild.

"Boy or girl?"

"We don't bloody know dad"

[Jimbuna]

Amazing,,,,,,, Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith, will not be attending the Oscars this year,,,,, just like me and the wife,,, coincidence??,,, I think not.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend pointed a stick at me and made me disappear.

It said, "Positive."

[Jimbuna]

From the BBC website:

"Hundreds flock to rare bird sighting in Tyneside".

Apparently she is slim, attractive and sober.

[BossMark]

The numbers on the back of a footballer's shirt relates not to their squad number, but to what they can actually count up to.

Except for Wayne Rooney who refers to his number 10 as stick and doughnut.

[Jimbuna]

Today I spent most of my day off trying to repair the leaking tap in my kitchen.

Now my neighbours think I have Tourette's Syndrome.

[BossMark]

"All I ever seem to do is cook," yelled my wife.

"That's not on," I replied.

"I'm entitled to an opinion," she snarled.

"I was talking about the oven," I said.

[Catfish]

Today I spent most of my day off trying to repair the leaking tap in my kitchen.

Now my neighbours think I have Tourette's Syndrome.


I do not think of this as a joke ... after soldering and fixing our heating system. :dead:

[Jimbuna]

I saw my mate today, I said "You look better than usual."

He said, "I know, it's because the wife stayed over at her friend's house, so I didn't have to endure her snoring and got some decent sleep. You look knackered though..."

[BossMark]

The Swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild,

Except the seldom seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

[Catfish]

Wussten Sie dass Weisswuerste auch nicht mehr wissen als Bratwuerste?
:O:

[BossMark]

If you think you're crazy, try asking the voices in your head how they feel about it first.

[Jimbuna]

"It's over!" My wife snapped, dashing to the door.

"Please babe, I don't understand!" I pleaded, running after her. "Just tell me how I can make it work."

"No," she screamed. "Get those cooker instructions out of my face."

[BossMark]

After speaking to the Police on the phone, my wife sobbed:

"My mum's died in a car crash, I can't imagine what she went through."

"Probably the windscreen" I said.

[BossMark]

Maths Question.

Dave buys a 3 litre box of wine for 13.99 on Tuesday afternoon.

He drinks 3 litres on Tuesday night.

How long before his wife speaks to him?

[tomfon]

A discussion between two friends sitting in a bar:

- My wife is an angel!

- You are so lucky. Mine is still alive.

[Jimbuna]

I fell asleep at the wheel today. Oh Christ! What a mess.
There was clay everywhere!

[BossMark]

2 British tennis players through to the semi-finals of the Australian Open.

This match-fixing is getting out of hand.

[Jimbuna]

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[BossMark]

My wife just called me an irresponsible father because I let our 7-year-old son drive our car.

"Calm down." I said, "He'll probably be back in a minute."

[Jimbuna]

Man goes into a library and asks for a book on 'Probability'.

Librarian says, "It might be on that shelf over there".

[BossMark]

As my wife lay dying in the hospital bed, she looked at me and said, "My life is flashing before my eyes."

"That's great," I replied. "See if you can spot where you lost my car keys last week.

[tomfon]

- I've been married twice. Unfortunately, i was very unlucky, both times.

- What a shame. Why? What happened?

- My first wife left me.

- And the second?

- She stayed.

[BossMark]

It's IKEA's 25th birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there's your blody cake.

[Jimbuna]

Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider it for 500 pounds?".

Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions:

1st I'm not going to kiss it.

2nd my family must never know.

3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

[BossMark]

When I get home late from the pub.

I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to..

[BossMark]

I've just been uninvited from a friends wedding.

Apparently RSVP'ing "Maybe Next Time" wasn't an acceptable response.

[Sailor Steve]

The lady walking ahead of me sped up, so I did too. She started walking faster and faster, so I did too. Then she started running, so I did too. Then she started screaming, so I did too.

I don't know what we were running from, but I was terrified.

[BossMark]

My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

[Jimbuna]

I was talking to this girl the other day and asked what her name was.

She said, "It's Lynna".

I said, "That's an unusual name - you don't hear that every day."

To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

[BossMark]

The year 2045:

"Dad, how did President Trump ever get elected?:

"Well, we were a bit distracted back then. That was the year adult coloring books came out."

[Jimbuna]

A man was in front of a judge. The judge says to him, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The man says, "Okay, let's get started."

[BossMark]

Poll: 70% of Americans say a Trump presidency would make them "anxious."

The other 30% say it would make them "Canadian."

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the kitchen, and my wife was singing away.

I said, "Don't give up your day job."

She said, "There's nothing wrong with my voice."

I said, "No, not that. I've been sacked for punching the boss."

[BossMark]

Remind me, if I'm ever in hospital, make sure I'm never surrounded by my friends and family.

It usually doesn't end well.

[tomfon]

A man is talking to God.

- God how long is a million years?

- To me it's about a minute.

- God how much is a million dollars?

- To me it's a penny.

- God may I have a penny?

- Wait a minute.

[BossMark]

My 6-year-old son asked, "Daddy, why do people pay tax?"

I replied, "Well son, we pay tax so that Amazon, Starbucks, Google and the Daily Mail don't have to."

[BossMark]

I didn't realise how good I am on the phone until I found out my call to customer service may be used for training purposes.

[Jimbuna]

Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed six people to death with knitting needles all in the same area.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern..

[BossMark]

My wife's a terrible cook, who can never get her sauces right.

But I've stuck with her, through thick and thin.

[Jimbuna]

You'd think that being a successful businessman my life would be great, but it's far from it. I can't find love anywhere. I've tried for years to settle down, but women just seem to be after my money mostly.
I can't carry on having my wallet stripped and my heart broken, so I'm going to go over the cliffs at Beachy Head in the car, I'm that unhappy.

Mind you, I'm not as unhappy as my chauffeur.

[BossMark]

Cancer doesn't just rob us of the people we love, it also leaves a terrible legacy.

The Chris Evans Breakfast Show.

[Jimbuna]

A bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"

I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she's down the shops."

[BossMark]

What's grey and shakes like a leaf?

Bruce Forsyth walking past the Doctors

[BossMark]

BREAKING NEWS:
Moments after a high court judge had issued a death certificate for Lord Lucan, he has been found alive and well by a couple of cleaning ladies removing a load of dust from Newcastle United's Trophy Cabinet....!

[BossMark]

On a recent trip to China, I bought some incredibly rare dragon scales and brought them home for my wife.

"Ooh, they're beautiful!" she cooed in wonder. "What are they?"

"They're dragon scales," I replied. "They're very rare."

"What are they for?" she asked, staring at them with interest.

"Weighing dragons," I answered.

[MCM]

Two planets meet each other in the universe: "how are you" ask one of them. The other: "not good, I am ill." - "What do you have" - "I have homo sapiens" - "Well" the other says "don't worry that illness will end shortly"

[BossMark]

I know right from wrong.

Wrong is the fun one.

[Aktungbby]

http://crazyhyena.com/imagebank/g/blind-joke-teller-about-blonds.jpg

[Jimbuna]

James Bond would be a much better spy if he didn't keep telling everyone who he was...

[Jimbuna]

I'm cooking a lamb roast for my new girlfriend tonight to prove to her that I'm not as useless as she suggests.

Now..where is the defrosting option on this tumble dryer...

[BossMark]

Liverpool fans walked out during the 77th minute of today's game, in protest at the new £77 ticket price for next season. Thankfully, the board have promised to act swiftly to prevent such scenes from recurring.

A revised ticket price of £90 will be announced on Monday.

[Jimbuna]

Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from him.

"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"

"Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the beard."

"I don't have a beard," says the guy.

"No, but the wife does."

[BossMark]

American Scientists are predicting record breaking temperatures in North Korea this Summer with one boffin predicting that Pyongyang could briefly see the mercury rise to as much as 150 million degrees Fahrenheit.

[Jimbuna]

The two British girls arrested in Peru for smuggling cocaine are claiming they were told it was marmalade.

Police are looking for a short brown bear with a blue coat for questioning.

[Aktungbby]

American Scientists are predicting record breaking temperatures in North Korea this Summer with one boffin predicting that Pyongyang could briefly see the mercury rise to as much as 150 million degrees Fahrenheit.

O LORDY! There goes the:subsim: Music thread again!:O: http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02515/north-korea-jong-3_2515926k.jpghttp://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02516/north-korea_2516090k.jpg

[Jimbuna]

http://i.imgur.com/axmpIpk.gif

[Jimbuna]

The biggest comic book convention in the world opened today in San Diego.

It is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction, video games, and other forms of birth control.

[Jimbuna]

A lawyer opened the door of his Audi, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious Audi. "Officer, look what they've done to my Audiiiii!!!", he whiningly said.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid Audi, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my god....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?

[Jimbuna]

Boomerangs. Frisbees for ginger people.

[Jimbuna]

You know you're old when you and your teeth don't sleep together.

[Jimbuna]

An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So, he's in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly."

[Jimbuna]

It's Black Friday and mall is packed with shoppers and Bill can't find his wife.
Bill goes up to a very attractive woman and says "Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The attractive woman replies "Why?"
Bill replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air."

[Jimbuna]

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[Sailor Steve]

An 80-year-old man...
The world's oldest football player, 51 years of age, is being interviewed for a magazine article. When asked how he manages to compete with men half his age, he attributes it to his genes. "After all, my 72-year-old dad just swam the English Channel and my grandpa is about to get married again at the age of 94, to a girl of 23."

The interviewer stares at him in amazement. "That's amazing! Your dad is seventy-two years old and swam twenty-six miles? Your grandfather is ninety-four and wants to get married again?"

The player interrupts, saying "Hold on a minute, son! I never said gramps wanted to get married!"

[Jimbuna]

Floyd Mayweather Jr and Manny Pacquiao, finally decided to the mother of all fights. Halfway into the fourth round, Manny Pacquiao released a mighty punch that sent Mayweather to the mat for the count. As his handlers carried him from the ring on a stretcher, the Mayweather groaned and spoke in a feeble voice, "What happened? I hurt all over!"
"Easy does it, Floyd," said his manager. "You're in better shape than Manny at the moment."
"How can you say that?" Mayweather asked. "I never laid a glove on him."
"No," his manager responded, "but we left him back there in the ring a total wreck. He thinks he killed you."

[Jimbuna]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[Jimbuna]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

[Jimbuna]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

[Jimbuna]

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

[Jimbuna]

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.

[AVGWarhawk]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar. Really, it can happen.

[Jimbuna]

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

[Jimbuna]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

[BossMark]

Bob, Rob, and Robert live on the six hundredth floor of an apartment building. One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs. To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories. On the 401st floor, Robert says, "Here's my sad story: I left our apartment's keys in the car."

[Jimbuna]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

[Commander Wallace]

Two Irishman named Henry and Frank were sitting in a park when Frank tells Henry he has a terminal disease and will pass away in a few months. Frank asks, " Henry will you do me a favor and pour a pint of my favorite Irish whiskey on my grave every year on my birthday " ?

Henry considers Franks request for a moment and replies" Sure I will but do you mind if I drink it first " ?

[Jimbuna]

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

[Jimbuna]

''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

[Jimbuna]

A farmer from Skipton sadly lost his wife. He contacted the Yorkshire Post to arrange an obituary. The couple had been happily married for 50 years before she passed away.

The farmer went to the newspaper office to make the arrangements. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “ Ow Much? ”
“Ah want summat simple” he explained, “My Gladys were a gud ‘arted an’ ‘ard-workin’ Yorkshire lass but she wunt av wanted owt swanky.”

“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.

“Nay”, he said, “she wunt av wanted owt la-di-da. Just put, ‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.

“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.

“Do I? Well, put died 17th March. That'll do”.

“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.

The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.

“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.

“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' av wanted me to splash out”.

“The words are included in the standard price”, the woman informed him.

“Ah they? Tha means av paid for 'em?”.

“Yes, indeed sir”.

“Well, if av paid for 'em , am 'avin ‘em”

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.

[GoldenRivet]

Oh my God Jim... my sides :rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

[Jimbuna]

Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

[Peter Cremer]

Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

Slept like a baby last night...................Woke up crying and wet the bed.

[Jimbuna]

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

[Jimbuna]

If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome!

[Catfish]

She's got a wonderful body, budweiser face so ugly?

[magic452]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living being with cheap, wicked women, Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

[Jimbuna]

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

[Jimbuna]

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

[Jimbuna]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Jimbuna]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

[Jimbuna]

A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you.

[Jimbuna]

Wandering inside a pet store, 
I stopped in front of a birdcage to 
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

[Jimbuna]

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don 
a costume and act like an ape 
until the zoo can get another one.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the 
lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens 
its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get 
us both fired?!”

[Jimbuna]

http://i.imgur.com/ccPNzoO.jpg

[Jimbuna]

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “
‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

[Jimbuna]

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

[BossMark]

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

[Jimbuna]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

[Jimbuna]

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”
The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”

[BossMark]

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

[Jimbuna]

The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn’t say how many birds there were. “The last thing I was going to do was look up,” he told CNN.

[Catfish]

- Why do you fight?
- For money; don't you?
- No; I fight for honor and glory.
- Oh, I see... Everyone fights for what they don't have.

[Jimbuna]

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

[Jimbuna]

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

[Jimbuna]

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

[Jimbuna]

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”

The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

[BossMark]

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.

And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

[Jimbuna]

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

[tomfon]

A man pays a visit to his doctor.

Man: Every night i have this dream of mice playing football...

The doctor writes a prescription on a piece of paper and passes it to him.

Doctor: Take these pills for a month.

Man: Can i start taking them from tomorrow? Tonight is the final.

[BossMark]

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
— Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
— I've had 8 drinks, officer.
— That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

[Jimbuna]

Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."

[Catfish]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[Jimbuna]

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

[BossMark]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....

"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban"

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then silence. The voice then call out.....

"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban"

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again....

"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... "Don't send any more men... it's a trap... there's two of them!"...

[tomfon]

Two ants are riding their bicycles in the desert. Suddenly, one of them stops.

"Why did you stop?" the ant asked his friend...

...and his friend replied:

"A fly got into my eye!"

[tomfon]

There is this man who hates his wife's cat so much that he decides to get rid of it. So one morning he takes the animal with him and drives his car 20 blocks away from his house. He then opens the door of the car and abandons the cat in a nearby park. After that, he takes the same way back home.

To his great disappointment he realizes that the cat is following his car...

Next morning, the first thing he does is to take the cat with him again and drive even further... 40 blocks away from the house.

Unfortunately for him the cat finds its way back by following the car, for one more time.

The man kept repeating the same routine for several days, covering greater distances but the cat managed to find its way back home every single time.

In a desperate attempt the man drives his car for 50km, then turns left somewhere, then drives for another 100km, turns north, he passes the bridge, continues for another 50km and finally stops. He lowers the window and throws the cat out of the car with great relief.

A few hours later he calls his wife.

"Is the cat there?"

"Ah... yes, why do you ask?"

The man is now outrageous and completely out of control. He yells:

"Put the cat on the phone. I'm lost and i need direction."

[Jimbuna]

I worked at a boarding kennel where people leave their dogs and cats while on vacation. One morning I had taken a cat out of his cage, and after playing with him and replenishing his food and water, I put him back in.

A few minutes later, I was surprised to see the feline at my feet, since the cage doors lock automatically when they’re shut. I couldn’t figure out how the cat escaped, until I bent down to pick him up and spied his name tag: “Houdini.”

[Jimbuna]

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, 
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

[BossMark]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

[tomfon]

Q: How do we know that Adam and Eve were not Chinese?

A: If they were Chinese, they would have eaten the snake ; not the apple.

[Jimbuna]

Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”

[Jimbuna]

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two 
police officers and a psychiatrist.

[BossMark]

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

[Jimbuna]

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

[tomfon]

A few short jokes i read in a forum.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant but then i changed my mind.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- What is a prisoner's favourite punctuation mark?

- The period. It marks the end of his sentence.

[tomfon]

Two factory workers are having a chat.

"I can make the boss give me the day off", says the woman.
The man replies, "And how are you going to do that?"
"Just wait and see", says the woman.

After a while the boss comes in. The woman sees him and she hangs upside-down from the roof.

"What are you doing?!", says the boss.
"I'm a light bulb.", says the woman.
The boss then replies, "You must have been working too hard and you've gone crazy. Take the rest of the day off."

The woman leaves and the man follows her.

"Where are you going?", says the boss.
The man says, "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

[BossMark]

The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it open.
He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen, he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.

She asked, "How do you do it on Earth?"

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you. After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.

"Well," she said, "where is the baby?"

He said "Oh, that takes nine months."

"Well why did you stop stirring?"

[Jimbuna]

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

[Jimbuna]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[BossMark]

A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is. The stranger says, "11:45." The blonde says, "Really? That's so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer."

[Jimbuna]

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

[tomfon]

An old man and his woman were on a cruise. The weather was stormy and as they were standing on the back of the boat a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. The crew searched for days but couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

After a period of three weeks the old man finally got a fax from the boat. It read:

"Sir, it is with deep regret to inform you that we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. Upon bringing her up to the deck we noticed an oyster attached to her very most private part. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[Jimbuna]

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[BossMark]

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw that her father was putting on his tuxedo, she said, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because it always gives you a headache the next morning."

[Jimbuna]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[BossMark]

The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"

[BossMark]

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

[Jimbuna]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings.
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T! 'Because I'm in Perth!"

[BossMark]

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

[Jimbuna]

So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”.
The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a beer.”
So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?”
The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another beer.”
So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp”
The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another beer.”
The man says “Oh, Okay!”
The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?”
The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!”
And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!”
And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”

[BossMark]

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[Jimbuna]

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bugga! Spit it out!"

[Jimbuna]

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to bug him. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
"Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that."
Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!"
"You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn."
The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!"
The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really big him, you just watch."
The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!"
"Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me."

[Sailor Steve]

Only 75% of adults can do simple math.

The other 45% should be ashamed.

[BossMark]

Son: Dad, it's so cold in here! Father:
Go stand in the corner.
Son: Why?
Father: The corner is 90 degrees.

[Jimbuna]

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned."

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.

[Jimbuna]

This guy's at a bar, and it's really late. He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor. He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor.
Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home. On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car. When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door.
The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell.
The drunk's wife opens the door.
He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you."
The wife gratefully responds, "Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you." "Where's his wheelchair?"

[Jimbuna]

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

[Jimbuna]

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

[cdrsubron7]

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

[Jimbuna]

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

[tomfon]

Q: What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A: A fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

[Jimbuna]

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

[Jimbuna]

"Shay, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whadya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"

[BossMark]

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.

He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held.

And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....

[Jimbuna]

A man was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a visitor waiting for him outside the bar. He had just bought another large beer and he didn"t want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote a little sign on a piece of paper and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When he returned to his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

[BossMark]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

[Jimbuna]

Man goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking !" Doctor replies "Do you drink much ?"
Man says "no, I spill most of it !"

[Jimbuna]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said; "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

[Jimbuna]

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

[BossMark]

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?".

[Jimbuna]

A man is in a bar talking to his friend. ‘Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.’
‘Did he get anything? asks his friend.
‘Yes,’ says the man. ‘A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk.’

[Jimbuna]

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

[tomfon]

An old man feels that his life will soon come to an end. After the early loss of his wife the old man had been living alone, up in the mountains, with the sole company of a few sheep. One day he meets with his one and only son, for the last time. During the conversation that follows the old man expresses his final wish, that his son will keep and protect his favourite sheep, "White-Haired". The son is willing to fulfill his father's request.

A few years later, the son is in despair because his enterprise to start a new career as a businessman is falling apart. In addition, he now cannot afford providing for the White-Haired since he has already started to cut down on his expenses as his income has been decreased significantly. He decides to get rid of it. After a half an hour drive the man abandons the sheep in a field but the next morning he is stunned by the view of "White-Haired" feeding on the grass of his garden. He now calls a friend of his who happens to be a farmer living in a nearby village. The farmer takes the sheep with him. Soon enough, the man discovers that the sheep had managed to return again. Feeling - in his right - quite stupefied by a sheep, he immediately takes drastic measures: He books a one-way ticket to Hawaii and sends White-Haired there.

A few days later the man notices that White-Haired has vanished indeed ; it seems that the sheep will never trouble him again. The man is now certain - and quite pleased, as you can imagine - that his father's favourite sheep has gone forever.

He sighs in relief.

[tomfon]

A journalist is told that Madonna will pay a visit to his country. He quickly realises that this is the chance of his life for an exclusive reportage on Madonna's arrival.


A few days later our journalist is waiting at the airport. The flight that supposedly carries the famous singer arrives but he cannot locate her. He soon discovers that she wasn't among the passengers of the flight. The journalist now contacts his source suspecting that he was fooled. His source, however, persuades him that it wasn't in his intentions to fool him and that Madonna will be there, in two days time.

Two days later, the journalist is ready again to take photos of Madonna's arrival.

The airplane finally lands. The doors open and passengers disembark. But Madonna is not among them. Now, almost all of the passengers have left the plane. The journalist calls his source.

He is ready to yell at him. He is furious. He tells him that this was the last time he was tricked by him. In the meantime, all passengers have left the airplane... except from one.

And as the journalist turns his head towards the airplane, who does he see, you think? The White-Haired!

[BossMark]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Jimbuna]

A drunk goes to court. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’ The drunk says, ‘Great, let’s get started.’

[BossMark]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.





Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Jimbuna]

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

[magic452]

I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree.

They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

Magic

[Jimbuna]

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife!!!" said the man.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: "Liquor is a slow poison for you."
Patient: "It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry."