The joke thread

[BossMark]

My daughter's just spent the last month technology free.

She went without her mobile phone, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media of any kind.

She told me she felt it improved one thing most of all ...

Her driving.

[BossMark]

Charles Manson has just got married at 80.
I didn't realise that he'd divorced Marilyn.

[Jimbuna]

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

[BossMark]

There could be between 10,000 and 13,000 victims of slavery in the UK, higher than previous figures, analysis for the Home Office suggests.

Well, Amazon have quite a few warehouses now.

[Jimbuna]

I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..

[Jimbuna]

Photographs of Kim Kardashian fully clothed have been leaked onto the internet. Sources say that she is too embarassed to even go out of her house now.

[BossMark]

I was wandering around my house today and found my wife hiding in a secret room.

I had absolutely no idea that we had a kitchen.

[Jimbuna]

Who was the first woman in space?

The wife of the first man who parked for her.

[BossMark]

Prince Harry has confessed his deepest fear is public speaking. I'd have thought Kate and William's unborn baby being born with ginger hair would have been higher, personally

[Herr-Berbunch]

What do ISIS want for Xmas?

Turkey.

[BossMark]

I'm surprised Prince Harry's secret fear is public speaking.

I thought it would be tunnels

[Herr-Berbunch]

Or waiting on Jeremy Kyle for DNA results.

[BossMark]

A guy walks into my bar and asks me for a Bacardi and Coke.

I said, "We only have Pepsi, is that OK?"

He said, "Sure."

Then I handed him a Pepsi and Coke.

[Jimbuna]

The Government is warning against a new wave of phone fraud scams. To combat this it is setting up a new anti-fraud advisory service. This will have a monthly subscription of £17.50. Victims will also be able to report attempts to scam them on the special victim hotline; calls will be charged at £2.50 per minute.

[BossMark]

I was surprised tonight when I came home from work and my wife greeted me with a cup of tea.

I've never had a cup filled with egg, chips and beans before.

[Jimbuna]

So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview.

Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's talent?

[BossMark]

I asked my doctor, "Why am I always so fat."

"Its because of your diet," he told me.

He must be a rubbish doctor because I have never even been on a diet.

[Jimbuna]

The guy who invented Twister died this week. Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins.

[BossMark]

This morning some pregnant lady got on the train.

I said, "Would you like to have my seat?"

She said, "That's kind of you,thank you so much."

"No worries," I said, "I'm getting off in nine stops,then you can have it."

[BossMark]

A policeman pulled me over and asked if I had anything in my pockets that might hurt him. I answered, "No, just this naked photo of my girlfriend."

How was I to know it was his ex-wife?

[Jimbuna]

I was buying a Christmas Tree at the garden centre earlier when the assistant asked "Will you be putting it up tonight sir?"

"I doubt it," I replied "my wife goes to the Bingo on a Thursday"

[BossMark]

I'm well pissed off with my neighbour today. Yesterday he kept playing the same Lionel Ritchie song over and over at full blast.


I wouldn't mind normally, but it was all night long.

[Jimbuna]

My son told me he found some cassette tapes with some 'banging tunes' on them in the attic.

I think he's found my old ZX Spectrum games.

[Schroeder]

My son told me he found some cassette tapes with some 'banging tunes' on them in the attic.

I think he's found my old ZX Spectrum games.
I bet most of the post 1985 births here won't get that one.:O:

[BossMark]

There was a bit of trouble in my class earlier, so I took one boy out and spoke to him:

"It wasn't me sir, it was him" he protested.

"I watched you hit him" I said, "it's your fault."

"But sir, he hit my nape, scratched my vertebrae and kicked my lumbar."

"Enough, I've made my decision" I shouted, "I'll have no more of your back-chat."

[Tango589]

I bet most of the post 1985 births here won't get that one.:O:
I still fondly remember that hideous shriek as the game loaded, it helped build the anticipation!:up:

[Jimbuna]

I bet most of the post 1985 births here won't get that one.:O:

True that :yep:

If you have the sex chromosomes XX, then it means you're a woman.

If you have the sex chromosomes XY, it means you're a man.

If you have the sex chromosomes YI, you're a Geordie.

[Catfish]

My son told me he found some cassette tapes with some 'banging tunes' on them in the attic.

I think he's found my old ZX Spectrum games.

Lol, a friend of mine had a tape where he had recorded just program data from said Spectrum, and when he was angered by his neighbour playing Whitney Houston all night and day long, he entered that tape into his deck, pushed the amplifier to full volume, and left (with me), to a restaurant. Took around two hours and Mrs Houston has been very silent, since then :D


Originally Posted by Schroeder http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/smartdark/viewpost.gif (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=2266270#post2266270)
I bet most of the post 1985 births here won't get that one.:O:

Well .. so .. :oops:

[BossMark]

I pulled up next to a Porche at the traffic lights and saw his window was down,

"Nice car mate, " I said, "must've set you back a pretty penny.

"£59,500," he replied somewhat smugly,

"wow, just think, " I said, "another £500 and you may have got some bloody indicators fitted as well.

[Jimbuna]

My wife's on a new diet where she only eats fruit and my house is full of the stuff.

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

[BossMark]

"I want to go bowling with my mates" I said to my wife. "But I want to have a romantic night in with a movie" she replied

"That's that sorted then, glad we could come to an agreement. See you around midnight"

[Tango589]

I don't like Prince Philip because he says some very racist things. But I also don't like him because he's Greek, so I don't quite know where this leaves me.

[BossMark]

I absolutely hate my mother-in-law.

She's actually quite a nice person, but she brought my wife into the world.

[Tango589]

Today, Microsoft are giving away word-processing software to parents.

Word to your mother!

[Jimbuna]

My wife just informed me that she is leaving me and the kids so that she can live her dream of becoming an actress.

I'm not going to stand in her way, in fact I broke both her legs for good luck.

[BossMark]

I'd like to thank Wonga for lending me a small amount of money to feed my family this month.

I'll be forever indebted to them.

[blackswan40]

A man goes into a cafe hes been in there 10-20-30 minuets no one as served him by this time the man is very hungry indeed as he looks around the cafe theres a another man in the corner sat at a small table gazing into a bowl of soup shaking his head the bloke whos very hungry asks the bloke in the corner if he's going to eat the soup the blokes shakes his head can I have it im starving the bloke in the corner nods his head
the hungry man walks over to the table in the corner gets the bowl of soup & the spoon & sits back down at his table & starts to eat the soup as he gets to the last bit of soup in the bottom of the bowl theres a gentlemans hair comb in the bottom of the bowl with bits of matted hair & dandruff
the man goes a funny colour & brings all the soup back up into the bowl
then the man in the corner says that's as far as I got

:Kaleun_Sick:

[BossMark]

My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.

[Jimbuna]

My son asked me the other day why his mother was no longer with us.
I replied. "Well son, why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side."
"That's right. So, like the chicken, mummy's gone to the other side; except she only made it about halfway across the road."

[BossMark]

Scientists and researchers have been experimenting with technology to find new ways of preventing shark attacks on humans.

After millions of pounds spent on research the "Don't go in the water where sharks are" Sign will be in mass production from January.

[Jimbuna]

I said to my granny, "Remember to lock all your doors and windows tonight, or someone might break in and rape you."

The next day I was walking round when I noticed her windows and door were lying open, so I immediately burst upstairs in a panic to find her lying on the bed crying.

I asked, "Did someone break in?"

She replied, "No, you lying little bugga!"

[BossMark]

Americans aren't allowed to drink alcohol until the age of 21, but they can drive cars and buy guns at age 18.

For some reason, they have the highest rate of liquor store robberies in the world.

Duh.

[Buddahaid]

I just learned that the word pad in french is tampon. It's great to soak up all that knowledge.

[Jimbuna]

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift, so he stops at a toy
store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95;
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95;
Shopping Barbie: £19.95;
Surfer Barbie: £19.95;
Disco Barbie: £19.95; and Divorced Barbie: £299.95.

Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with,:
Ken's car
Ken's house
Ken's boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and Ken's best friend."

[BossMark]

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

[Jimbuna]

Sooty has been arrested for sexually assaulting a minor in the late seventies.

Police also arrested Matthew Corbett; they suspect he had a hand in it.

[BossMark]

The mother-in-law arrived for Xmas and as I carried her bags to her room I said,

"Joan, just remember to dim the lights as you get undressed, otherwise everyone outside can see you."

"Dim the lights?" she scoffed. "It's the same room as last year so what's changed?"

"Just the neighbours across the road and I don't hate these new ones."

[Jimbuna]

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum'

[BossMark]

I often thought that the Police team searching for Maddie were stupid and a waste of taxpayers money but just as temperatures reach freezing in the UK they all bugger off to Portugal to question suspects.

[BossMark]

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours."

[Jimbuna]

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

[BossMark]

I for one am all for helping the police in their search for Madeleine McCann and think it is great that a team of them are going back to Portugal to help look for her.

In fact I even helped them carry their golf clubs to check in.

[Jimbuna]

BBC News - Women set to be allowed to serve combat roles on the front line.

I think you will find it's spelt "Rolls"

[BossMark]

I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.

[Jimbuna]

I will be watching Santa's journey on Norad's website very carefully this year.

If he goes to West Africa before coming to the UK, I'm bricking the chimney up.

[BossMark]

Antiques.

They don't make 'em like they used to.

[Jimbuna]

A British Airways flight was forced to return to Heathrow after "a loud bang" was heard by residents on the flight path.

Gemma Collins said " I really should look where I'm walking and not at the sky, I will pay for the Land Rover to be fixed"

[BossMark]

In the news: Former DJ Ray Teret has been jailed for 25 years for a series of rapes and indecent assaults on girls as young as 12.

On hearing this some people said,'How could he be so evil'

Other said, 'Hanging is too good for him'.

But most people said, 'Who the hell is Ray Teret?'

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: UK table no-fly zone plan at UN.

They have this big can of spray and large rolled up newspaper.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday.

Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

[Jimbuna]

So there I was at work, quietly reading the newspaper while having a crap, when my boss comes storming in and screams that I'm fired!

I got such a shock I almost fell off his desk.

[BossMark]

If I was Rolf Harris, I would insist on a retrial..

In South Africa.

[Jimbuna]

I had just hung up my phone on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," said a teenage girl dressed in her school uniform, "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mum."

[BossMark]

Russell Brand deserves recognition for his contributions to comedy, literature, fashion, politics and philosophy. I'm hoping he'll soon get a title.

Preferably "The Late".

[Jimbuna]

Russell Brand deserves recognition for his contributions to comedy, literature, fashion, politics and philosophy. I'm hoping he'll soon get a title.

Preferably "The Late".

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=2268105&postcount=3658

[BossMark]

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=2268105&postcount=3658
Cant stand either of them Jim.

[Jimbuna]

Cant stand either of them Jim.

Oh, I think Nigel is a far better comedian :)

[BossMark]

My five year old son is doing terrible at school. He's a very slow developer and he has a really hard time understanding even the simplest things.

He is, however, an avid reader of The Sun.

[Jimbuna]

I rang 999 today. They said "which emergency service do you want?".

"All of them!"

"Why?"

"I'm a sick burglar on fire!"

[BossMark]

I was talking to my therapist and told him my girlfriend , Shirley, wouldn't marry me.

"I think I know why that might be, Mr Knott, " he said.

[Jimbuna]

How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size?

In square feet.

[BossMark]

Just a reminder that Royal Mail have said that tomorrow is the last posting day if you want to guarantee delivery by Easter.

[BossMark]

Daily Mail: "Child rapist who bribed his victim with VIP tickets for a One Direction concert is jailed for 18 years"

Hopefully he will get extra for the rape.

[Jimbuna]

The best way to get your true weight is to get on the scales naked.

Which is why I'm no longer allowed in my local Boots Chemist shop.

[BossMark]

I had to play the hero and come between a deaf couple arguing in town this morning...

"This stops now," I said pushing them apart, "before you both mime something you'll regret."

[Jimbuna]

My daughter was asked to draw something from her personal life for a school project.

After, she showed me and I said, "Darling, where did you see a pink elephant and a gorilla standing beside a waterfall?"

"It's not," she replied. "It's mummy and Uncle Kev in the shower."

[Jimbuna]

At the ferry port, I opened the back of a lorry and found two dozen Syrians hiding amongst the boxes.

Cowering, one told me in poor English, "We just want better life. We don't like the poverty, the hardship."

"Too right, mate," I said. "Hull's a right dump! Move over, I'm coming with you on the boat to Amsterdam."

[BossMark]

War on drugs, brought more drugs.

War on terror, brought more terror.

Can we have a war on easy women?

[BossMark]

My wife says I spend too much time in the pub and down the bookies.

I say I'm reducing the risk of being held hostage by Islamic extremists.

[Jimbuna]

So hackers got hold of a script for the upcoming James Bond sequel.

I reckon they've wasted their time.

If you really want to know what happens in the new James Bond film, just watch every other James Bond film.

[Tango589]

Maybe Jesus was gay the whole time, and was actually saying 'ahh, men.':hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

I'm sick to death of being called Spartacus.


Some low life in the pub always takes my Taxi.

[BossMark]

I hate when it's my turn to hoover The International Space Station.

So I usually just open a window when no one's looking.

[Jimbuna]

Madonna has claimed that hackers leaking her unreleased material is a form of terrorism.

She's right, we should prosecute everyone involved in creating and distributing this audible torture.

[BossMark]

There's that many repeats on this Christmas the BBC have reissued last years radio times .

[Jimbuna]

All these movie tie-ins are getting on my nerves.

This morning in the supermarket they had "Frozen" peas...

[BossMark]

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?




ECLIPSE IT.

[BossMark]

I see Denmark has claimed the North Pole as their own.

Sorry Denmark, but you can't just take something just because you want it.

That's Russia's job.

[Jimbuna]

I asked my wife, "What's your opinion on the state of English football?"

"Its crap," she replied. "Absolute crap."

"More than likely," I said, "but let's hear it anyway."

[BossMark]

My wife says I'm a nosey bastard.
That's what she's written in her diary.

[Jimbuna]

A local Apple store was burgled for over 10k of merchandise.

Police remain hopeful they can find and return both computers.

[BossMark]

"Compliments of the season" said the dustman holding out his hand.

"What did you do that for?" he asked when I threw five one pound coins down the garden path

"Well that's usually where you leave most of my rubbish" I replied

[Tango589]

I finally realized that our marriage was in trouble when I discovered that my wife had swapped out my body wash with meat tenderizer, the week before our African safari.

[BossMark]

"Mammy," I heard my daughter shout. "Can I watch Santa Clause The Movie?"
"You know who to ask dear," replied my wife.
"Daddy," asked my daughter.
"Yes dear, what do you want?" I laughed.
"Have you got the phone number for Kim Jong-Un?"

[Jimbuna]

I think the best thing about Christmas is waiting to see what Christmas movie North Korea has allowed us to watch.

[BossMark]

WANTED: Assistant required to fill hourglasses with sand.

No time wasters.

[Jimbuna]

I recently learned "Mandarin" and so far its a load of rubbish. Not a single piece of fruit has understood me.

[BossMark]

50 percent off glasses in Specsavers today.

I Came out with a monocle.

[Jimbuna]

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #Brown

[BossMark]

I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.

He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"

"Yes," I replied, "My wedding ring ."

[Jimbuna]

I had one too many Foster's last night.

One.

[BossMark]

We went to visit my parents and dad was desperate to take me out for a drink.

"Come on," he said. "It'll be like old times."

It was too. He went into the pub and got pissed while I sat in the car with a lemonade and a packet of crisps.

[Jimbuna]

He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's got pubic lice,
Santa Clause is sleeping around

[BossMark]

This year, we've decided to have our Christmas dinner on 5th January.

Thanks a bloody bunch, Sainsbury's online.

[BossMark]

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning. The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.

[Jimbuna]

North Koreans are wondering why their computers were unusable for nine hours.

They call it a cyber-attack. In the west it's better known as Windows Update.

[BossMark]

My wife fell into the river and was screaming for me to help.

I took out my phone but there was no signal.

I will just have to upload the pics to Facebook when I get home.

[Jimbuna]

I just checked the NORAD website, and it's not looking good.

They lost contact with Santa somewhere over the Ukraine.

[BossMark]

We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo.

My wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven

[BossMark]

I was rallying to protest against fox hunting when one of the so called hunters came to me and said
"don't knock hunting, until you've tried it dear boy." then smugly walked off.

So, next day i did,
.. his head is now on my wall.

[Jimbuna]

We had the enemy surrounded and they had no ammunition. All of a sudden they started throwing sugar and strawberries at us.

I think they were hoping to jam our weapons.

[BossMark]

100 years ago yesterday England played Germany in a historic football match in No-Mans Land


Or as it is more popularly known, France...

[Jimbuna]

Germany won 3-2

[BossMark]

A teenage boy walks into a library, and sheepishly asks the librarian: "Have you got any books with pictures of naked ladies?"

The librarian replies: "Have you checked the catalogue?"

The boys says: "Yes, but they were all wearing underwear."

[Jimbuna]

I bought the mother of all Christmas jumpers. It has lights that shine in numerous colours and plays 'The Smurfs sing Christmas'. I was expecting more comments about it to be honest.

Particularly as everyone else chose to wear black at my Mother-in-Law's funeral.

[BossMark]

My best friend works as a pilot and also does boxing in his spare time. Unfortunately he suffers from anxiety a lot of the time.

He's always in fight or flight mode.

[Jimbuna]

I have the cushiest job ever.

I'm a portrait painter in China.

[BossMark]

I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person.

"That's lovely" she said, giving me a hug.

"I'm glad you think so" I replied. "Your bag's by the front door"

[Jimbuna]

I've opened up a pub restaurant for transvestites.

It's called 'Eat, Drink and be Mary'

[BossMark]

99% of the people in this world are stupid.

Luckily, I'm part of the other 5%

[Jimbuna]

I've just fixed the work radio that had been broken for months, my colleagues were ecstatic.

You should have heard the reception I got.

[BossMark]

With Christmas over, thoughts turn to booking a summer holiday for the wife and mother-in-law...

So far, I've narrowed it down to an Italian cruise ship or flights to Malaysia.

[vanjast]

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said………..





(This is priceless…)


"OK, Monica, you're free to go
:har::har::har:

[BossMark]

Specialist Ebola doctors are concerned after a case has been confirmed in Glasgow.

It means the virus is now resistant to alcohol.

[Jimbuna]

I was on a train having a poo when I heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"Ticket inspector." he replied.

"All right, one sec" I said, sliding my ticket under the door.

"Just kidding," he added, "But cheers mate."

[BossMark]

Most women say that they are equal to men.

Well I have never seen a woman working topless on a building site.

[BossMark]

Man: Help, I'm being robbed
Police: Sorry, no resource currently available
Man: But he's tweeted something offensive
Police: We're on our way!

[Jimbuna]

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

[BossMark]

I'm like Hugh Hefner... minus the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money.

So basically, I have a robe.

[Tango589]

...So basically, I have a robe.
And an overpowering odour of wee and scotch.:D

[BossMark]

I've just decided that my 2014 New Year's resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.

[Jimbuna]

I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they turn up I'll say "I ordered this damn pizza last year!.

[Jimbuna]

I was so ugly when i was born. My mum and dad had themselves adopted.

[GoldenRivet]

Knock Knock


Whos there


Dwayne


Dwayne Who?

Dwayne the bath tub! Im Dwowning!!!

[BossMark]

My new years revolution is to learn how to spell

[Jimbuna]

A man was in the hospital in the US, and he was constipated. He asked the nurse for an enema or some other laxative.

The nurse replied, "Due to the healthcare cuts caused by Obama-care I cannot give you a laxative. However, I am allowed to beat the crap out of you!"

[BossMark]

I was chatting to this bloke today who told me he always sleeps naked.

I informed him that he was more than welcome to do it in his own home, but that if he does it again in my taxi I will be calling the police.

[BossMark]

This woman came up to me in a club and started talking to me. After a while, she saw me looking at a tattoo on her arm which read "1-11-1989".
"Oh, you're looking at my tattoo, " she said. "It's my daughter's date of birth. "
"Ah... " I replied. " I thought it was your best before by date."

[BossMark]

An American woman has alleged that Prince Andrew forced her to have sex with him while she was still a minor.

Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has offered the woman a goodwill gift of a trip to Paris complete with chauffeur-driven Mercedes.

[Herr-Berbunch]

The Duke of York has denied any allegations about sex with a minor.

He has, however, admitted to having ten thousand men.

[BossMark]

I don't believe Prince Andrew paid for an under-age sex slave.

That sponger's never paid for anything in his life.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

[BossMark]

All the gym bunnies moaning about the newbies.
Get over yourselves.
You didn't see us moaning when you came to use our pubs in December.

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber apparently treated himself to a private jet this year for Christmas.

I'm treating him to an early birthday present.

I've paid for him to have an Indonesian pilot for as long as it takes.

[Jimbuna]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[BossMark]

Apparently, Prince Andrew has been accused of paying for sex with a minor. Now, I'm no Royalist, but it's clear that this charge is demonstrably false.

Technically, we paid for it.

[BossMark]

When Prince Charles married Lady Diana, he was 32 and she was 20, and some of his family didn't approve of the 12 year age gap.

Prince Andrew thought it was far too small.

[Jimbuna]

My friend has just rung to say he's bought a bubble car.

He's going to pop round in it later.

[BossMark]

Bookmaker Paddy Power have just gone bankrupt following their new initiative of accepting bets on all races shown on Channel 4+1.

[Jimbuna]

Several years ago, my wife came to me one night and said we should watch a porno together.

Excited, I rushed to the video store and rented the nastiest-sounding title I could find.

I rushed home, popped the tape in the VCR, and cuddled with my wife on the sofa. We watched the TV, waiting and waiting for the hardcore action to begin, but there was nothing... The screen just stayed black with an occasional flicker.

"Maybe the tape is defective," she sighed.

"I'll take the tape back," I said, "I'm gutted... I was really looking forward to watching 'Head Cleaner'."

[BossMark]

The Queen is to make a three-day state visit to Germany with the Duke of Edinburgh this summer.

Prince Philip is said to be watching old episodes of Fawlty Towers in preparation for the visit.

[Jimbuna]

I just bought a book about the Atkins Diet from a carb oot sale in Newcastle.

[BossMark]

I hear that Stephen Fry and Elliot Spencer are getting married.

I think it's great they've finally got out there and found a couple of nice girls. For a while back there I had my suspicions about them.

[Jimbuna]

A day on Mercury lasts about 1407 hours.

Equivalent to Monday on Earth.

[BossMark]

"It's a bit icy out there," said my wife. "Any chance you could polish my boots for me before I go out?"

The leather hasn't come up too well, but you should see the shine on those soles.

[Jimbuna]

A man flying in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[BossMark]

I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."

"Don't you mean dollars?" she replied,

"I know what I mean," I said.

[Jimbuna]

Dyslexics of the world untie!

[BossMark]

My blonde wife called me at work and said she can't find her glasses, so I told her to use her contacts.

She rang me back an hour later to say she had called everyone in her phone and none of them knew where they were either.

[Jimbuna]

We all have something we can brag about.

For instance, I like to boast about how many women I haven't slept with.

[BossMark]

I watched my wife give birth today and it was amazing to see what technology is available.

I would have missed it all if it wasn't for iPhone FaceTime, and free wifi in the pub.

[BossMark]

The police had me strapped into a chair and wired up for a lie-detector test.

"I hope we can get this over with soon," I said as I squirmed uncomfortably. "I sure hate being bound up tightly like this."

The detective just rolled his eyes at me as the indicator zig-zagged wildly up and down the polygraph.

"All right, fine, fine, fine, I love it!" I admitted.

[Jimbuna]

I used to have a multiple personality disorder.

Luckily two of them were doctors and one was an eminent psychiatrist, so now I'm fine.

[Jimbuna]

If Aliens see a human walking his dog then picking up the dogs crap, who do they think is the smartest being on earth?

[BossMark]

I just watched the film 'American Sniper', and I was quite surprised.

I was expecting him to be a high school kid.

[Jimbuna]

My daughters boyfriend was confused as he unwrapped the shower gel me and my wife bought him for Christmas to find the receipt attached...

I said' "Just in case you want to take it back and exchange it for something you'll use."

[BossMark]

I like to read while I'm on the toilet.

If I didn't I would never have got my wife's number.

[Jimbuna]

I have an old Commodore locked away in the attic.

That'll teach the bugga for dancing on my ceiling.

[BossMark]

I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was "spice".

I went as a chilli but everyone else was an astronaut.

[Jimbuna]

Well the judge said that from now on I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

[BossMark]

I bloody hate my surname, Potato.


Although not as much as my sister Jackie does.

[BossMark]

My dad used to say "The old ones are the best."

Which is probably why his fruit and veg stall failed.

[Jimbuna]

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant

[U-15]

Possibly the worst joke of the thread, but it has to be told.

Hitler asks Donitz "How many U-boats are there for the North Atlantic?"

Donitz replies, "Not entirely sure Mein Fuhrer. Will a sub-total be good enough?"

Boom boom.
Come back Basil Brush, all is forgiven

[Sailor Steve]

One I heard many years ago from a fellow musician:

How many guitars are enough?

Just one more.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Indian-Geordie Submarine Commander?

Gandeep Undawatta.

[U-15]

Howard Carter and his team are excavating in Egypt.
All of a sudden there is a mad cacophony of noise coming from the main road nearby.

Carter turns and demands "What is that racket?" ,
His colleague, Herbert replies " I think it is Tootin Car Men".

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: "WWI postcard finally returned to family".

To be fair that's pretty quick for Royal Mail.

[U-15]

I once got offered a job as an extra in The Thunderbirds TV series.

I turned it down as there were too many strings attached.

[BossMark]

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

[Cybermat47]

^^
:rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

The 07.29am train from Brighton to London Victoria has been in the news for being late on every single day it ran in 2014.

Southern Rail's managing director likened the network to the M25, explaining that it was so busy that options to improve these statistics were extremely limited.

What about calling it the 07.42am train from Brighton to London Victoria?

[U-15]

Q. Where's the best place to see trees near the railway.

A. By the side of a branch line.

I hope you simmers realize that this is next Christmas's cracker jokes being used up :woot:

[VipertheSniper]

A boy comes into his parents bedroom in the morning where his father is building a tent under the sheets. He asks his dad what he's doing and his father answers: "I'm having a circus show, go tell your mom to bring in the bear."
So the boy finds his mother in the kitchen and tells her that Daddy said she should come and bring the bear to the bedroom, to which his mom says: "Tell your father: The bear cannot come, it has a nosebleed"
So the boy goes back to the bedroom telling his father, what his mother told him, to which his dad replies: "Well in that case, tell your mother she can blow the show off"

[Tango589]

What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg?

Ballan Singh.

(as told to me by an Indian friend.)

[U-15]

He has a brother who is a cricket commentator:

Pundit Singh

[BossMark]

I used to be in a band called 'Sold Out'.

Our gig posters looked good, but nobody ever came.

[Jimbuna]

When one of my good friends wife was hit by a car the other week and died, he asked would I say a few words at the funeral.

Apparently, "Stop, look and listen" were not appropriate.

[BossMark]

A prison bus has crashed in Texas, killing ten.

A spokesman said, "We failed in our duty to get those poor men to Death Row safely."

[BossMark]

I'm so hard I absailed down a building today with no equipment.

Well I fell off my shed roof.

[Jimbuna]

I wouldn't say the cruise ship was old but it was insured against fire, piracy, and falling off the edge of the world.

[Jimbuna]

When my son came home from school, I showed him a bucket of water.

"I'm sorry son. Your snowman has died"

[BossMark]

I'm making a graph of my past relationships.

I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

[U-15]

Just bought the wife a new cookery book entitled;

"100 Mouth Watering Recipes" written by
Sally Vate :woot:

[Sailor Steve]

A joke from when I was very, very young:

There once was a boy who had no body, just his head. He was visited by the famous Blue Fairy, who told him she would grant him one wish. Rather than ask for a body, the foolish boy said "I'd rather be anything than a head! I want to be a grape!" The Blue Fairy granted his wish, and departed, leaving the grape sitting on the table. He was just thinking about how lucky he was to have this new form when his little sister saw the grape on the table and popped him in her mouth, chewed him up and swallowed him.

The moral of this story is: You're always better trying to stay a head.

Just bought the wife a new cookery book entitled;

"100 Mouth Watering Recipes" written by
Sally Vate :woot:
Oh, not those! I had my fill of those when I was a kid! :O:

'Life Inside A Cloud', by I.P. Rainwater.

'50 Yard to the Outhouse', by Willie Makeit, illustrated by Betty Wont.

And so on, ad infinitum.

[U-15]

Hey Steve,

Have you read "Travelling Through Nepal" by Anna Purna :woot:

Trouble is I'm still a big kid at heart

[Sailor Steve]

Trouble is I'm still a big kid at heart
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional."
- Charles Theodore 'Chili' Davis

[U-15]

{Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional}

conform refuse to I :stare:

[Jimbuna]

A little girl down my road went missing this morning. Her parents asked everyone in the neighbourhood to help search for her.

They didn't seem too impressed when I came out of the house with my scuba gear.

[BossMark]

I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot.

So I went on a Refresher course.

[Jimbuna]

Police have tasered a man for bringing a lion into the Houses of Parliament.

The suspect, a Mr. David Blunkett, is recovering in hospital.

[U-15]

I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot.

So I went on a Refresher course.

:har: love this one.
The sort of joke I wished I had told.

Good un BossMark

[BossMark]

Two years into our relationship my girlfriend commented that she doesn't think I'm committed.

"Of course I am, baby." I assured her.

"Okay," she smiled kissing me on the cheek, "make sure you call me in the morning."

"I will," I replied, pulling out my phone, "What's your number?"

[Jimbuna]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Oh hell, he's moving!'"

[BossMark]

My line manager approached me today. He said, "Don't forget we're having a sit down at twelve o'clock today to discuss your time keeping."

"Oh, right," I said. "Can you make it five past?"

[BossMark]

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work.The dog probably just thinks,

"Awesome,now we're both barking."

[Jimbuna]

A man is sitting on a plane waiting to get served for drinks but he notices that the refreshments cart seems to have stopped well in front of him. He looks to the front of the plane where all of the air hostesses seem to be running around after one of the passengers who is bossing them around. When he looks closer, he notices that the passenger is a very rude parrot.
"Get me a whisky now bitch!" screamed the parrot, and she hurried off rather nervously to get it.
"Get me some peanuts you whore!" he screamed to another girl, and again in fear of the horrible parrot she rushed off to get some.
The man thought to himself that if he tried the same approach as the parrot then he might get served. The next time an air hostess walked past the man shouted, "Hey slag! Get me a beer!" The air hostess instantly burst into tears and ran to the front of the plane and into the cockpit. A few minutes later the co-pilot and several air hostesses walked back out of the cockpit, grabbed the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane.
As they began falling towards earth the parrot turned to the nervous looking man and said, "well, you're a cheeky bugga for someone who can't fly!"

[BossMark]

Got a bollocking off the wife at her cousin's 40th birthday fancy dress party last night, after eating most of the buffet.


Well, I was Hank Marvin.

[BossMark]

' My father never did a day's work in his life,' said Paddy
' He must have been a lazy bastard, ' replied Mick
' No, he was a Night Watchman,' said Paddy

[Jimbuna]

Not sure why "The Lego Movie" wasn't nominated for best animated picture.

Hollywood has a long tradition of honoring plastic people with frozen faces.

[U-15]

Not sure why "The Lego Movie" wasn't nominated for best animated picture.

Hollywood has a long tradition of honoring plastic people with frozen faces.

I heard it was a blockbuster :woot:

[Jimbuna]

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

[BossMark]

It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

"Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving."

"Where are you?" she asked.

She wasn't happy when I said, "The seventh tee."

[Jimbuna]

Tin of Heinz tomato soup, 47p.

To warm it up with British Gas, £5.00.

[BossMark]

So after 44 years The Sun has decided to do away with page 3.
And presumably page 4 since it's on the other side.

[BossMark]

My mum said "you treat this place like a hotel"......

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

[Jimbuna]

An Irishman wanted to start an ostrich farm.
He went to the bank to borrow enough money to buy 1000 chicks.
A week later he was back at the bank again asking them to finance another 1000 chicks because the first lot had died.
The bank manager asked what had gone wrong.
The Irishman said, "I've absolutely no idea, maybe I planted them too deep or too close together".

[BossMark]

Gordon Ramsay has been ordered to pay £1.6 million after losing a legal battle with his father-in-law over pub rent.

If you want to know what it feels like to receive a bill that threatens you with financial ruin - try eating at one of his restaurants.

[BossMark]

The Sun lying about page 3 is nothing new.

"Zoe" from Kent has been 24 for the past 8 years.

[Jimbuna]

Cilla Black has settled her phone hacking claim.

She was awarded £25. Whilst the Judge accepted her phone had been hacked he stated nobody could understand what she was chuntering on about.

[BossMark]

I walked into a room full of women last night and was pleased to see I'd immediately got their full attention...

But then nightclubs corridors are dark and the signs on toilet doors often confusing.

[BossMark]

I went on Mastermind recently. As I took my seat in the famous black chair host John Humphrys asked, "Specialist subject?"

I said, "Celebrity paedophiles from 1970's to Present day..."

"What?" He said shocked.

"Sorry!" I replied, "The BBC."

[Jimbuna]

An interesting observation. . .
1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is FOOTBALL.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is BOWLING.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6 The sport of choice for Corporate Executives is GOLF.
Conclusion. . .
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls!

[BossMark]

My friend said if he got a winning lottery ticket that he would give me half.

Hopefully I get the bit with the bar-code.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the pub this morning and the barmaid looked at a spot on my forehead and asked, "Who's your friend?"

"That's a bit rude," I replied, "I feel really insecure about my appearance."

"I'm sorry!" She said pouring me a pint, "this ones on the house."

"Awww, thanks," I smiled, "can my friend have one too?"

[magic452]

IRS Audit

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his
deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

Magic

[Jimbuna]

Letter to Your Dog magazine:

Q. How can you tell if a dog is a Pit Bull?

A. Look for key identifiers like a low forehead, barrel chest, bandy legs and an aggressive stance, as well as there usually being a thick chain around the neck.

If those features are present, chances are that the dog they have with them is a Pit Bull.

[BossMark]

Decided to do a bit of sex role play with the wife. I went for the postman role.

Didn't go well when I delivered to the wrong address.

[Jimbuna]

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of
humus and Taramasalata.

..........It's a double dip recession.

[BossMark]

So Prince Charles and David Cameron flew out to Saudi Arabia for the funeral of King Abdullah.

That's all they needed... Chaz and Dave turning up.

[Jimbuna]

A hoax call was put through to the prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

Luckily Cameron twigged it was a hoax within a few seconds when he realised the caller hadn't called him an idiot and slammed the phone down.

[BossMark]

What did Sting get in Amsterdam?

A massage in a brothel.

[Jimbuna]

A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please."

"Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?"

"I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."

[Jimbuna]

I was talking to my granddad earlier. I asked him what he thought of my new striped shirt.

He replied, "It's not my cup of tea."

His dementia is worse than I thought.

[BossMark]

People claim these days there is no such thing as job security. What a load of bollocks.

There's a bloke in my town who's been selling the Big Issue for the last 20 years.

[Jimbuna]

I was reading on-line that paranoid schizophrenics are easily amused.

Oh, how we laughed.

[BossMark]

When he married his wife my brother told me it felt like he " was being hand-cuffed. "

Which is odd , cos when he attended her funeral he was handcuffed as well.

[Jimbuna]

There's nothing I like more than a woman who knows what she wants in the bedroom.

It makes my job at IKEA that much easier.

[BossMark]

Tonight on Aircrash Investigation we ask how a perfectly functional, state of the art 747 managed to crash 13 miles off course into a mountain, killing all on board...

June 23rd 1998, it was a clear blue sky and Captain Lucinda Briggs was at the controls...

Well that's that bugga solved, might as well turn over.

[Jimbuna]

I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm some kind of sex object...

Hi.

[BossMark]

A woman will walk along the beach in a bikini without a second thought.

But catch one coming out of the bathroom in her bra and pants, and she'll immediately wrap herself in a towel.

[Jimbuna]

Probably for you but I've never had that problem :smug:

[BossMark]

My dad always said to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt."

Nice man. Made horrible tea.

[BossMark]

I've got have the world's unluckiest love life.

My wife just left me for my mistress.

[Jimbuna]

I knocked on my neighbour's door at 3am this morning and said, "I've been listening to your **** music for the last 4 hours!"

"That's impossible." he replied, "My CD's were stolen in a burglary last night."

"I know." I said, "And now I wish that I'd never bothered."

[BossMark]

Yvette Fielding went to audition for a role in the new Ghostbusters movie, "Have you ever had any experiences with real life ghosts?" Asked the casting directer.

"Any experience with real life ghosts?" Laughed Yvette, "I've only presented near on 200 episodes of the hit TV show Most Haunted."

"So, no then...?" The directer replied.

[Jimbuna]

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?".

[BossMark]

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "No."

[magic452]

For his birthday, little Johnie asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnie heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Johnie told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no damn bike.

Magic

[BossMark]

Burglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.