The joke thread

[BossMark]

Ever since my daughter started dating, she's always going out with foreign blokes with a funny little red dot on their forehead.

Thanks to the laser scope on my rifle.

[Jimbuna]

Impossible, a German getting a joke, or Jim telling a bad one.

Oh, OK, you win. :03:

HeyI I resemble that remark :stare:

:oops:

[Jimbuna]

"You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF" claims the advert.

Imagine my confusion as I was lead away in handcuffs from one of their jets.

[BossMark]

Police searching for Madeleine McCann in Portugal have widened the search area.

A spokesman said they will soon be moving on to the Bahamas and hope to include Las Vegas before the end of the holiday season.

[Jimbuna]

The wife told me she wanted something sexy for her birthday..


So I got her a secretary.

[BossMark]

"How long has he been dead, Mick?" the DS asks the pathologist.

"27 hours, 18 minutes and 33 seconds," replies Mick.

"That's amazing!" says the DS. "How can you be so accurate?"

"Well Sor, he was still aloive when I started the autopsy."

[Jimbuna]

My friend phoned the 'Suicide Hotline' yesterday but it was all in vain.

They put him on hold and left him hanging.

[BossMark]

My villa in Portugal has overgrown garden which I want to replace with a patio

First it needs digging up.

So I've tipped-off Scotland Yard

[Jimbuna]

After I lost the house, I slipped into a deep, dark depression and attempted suicide on several occasions.

My wife said I take bingo far too seriously.

[BossMark]

This morning my wife called me a stingy bastard,so I took her out on a five hour shopping spree.

Window shopping.

[Jimbuna]

Once there was a magical mirror. When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.
One day three college girls went to the mirror.
The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one." Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.
The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one." Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.
Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*" Then she suddenly dissapearred forever

[BossMark]

After losing my wife I decided I didn't want to be alone for too long and quickly found a woman for some no strings sex.

My wife was furious when she escaped from the maze.

[Jimbuna]

My fat wife told me she's feeling depressed about her weight today.

I don't know how she can be depressed when all she ever eats are Happy Meals.

[BossMark]

My wife and I were so proud of our daughter standing in front of us after trying on her Wedding Dress. "Give us a twirl," said my wife.
The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!

[Jimbuna]

I went on McVities website earlier, and was relieved to find that they have a cookie policy.

[Herr-Berbunch]

The wife asked what I was up to on the computer.

"Just looking for some cheap flights. "

With that she ripped of both her and my clothes and made mad, passionate love to me.

Which was strange as she'd never seemed that interested in darts before.

[Jimbuna]

My wife suggested spicing up our sex life by adding a little role play.

"I'll be a prostitute" she said excitedly.

"Good idea" I replied.

"I'll be Peter Sutcliffe."

[BossMark]

Paddy was at Top Man buying a pair of trousers. He took a pair he liked to try on, when he spotted a notice,

"No more than 2 items allowed in changing room, please"

He was later arrested for indecent exposure wearing just a bobble hat.

[Jimbuna]

I knew it was a mistake getting engaged to my blonde girlfriend.

I've just asked her to make me a cup of tea, and she asked me to write down the recipe for her.

[BossMark]

As my wife lay dying the surgeon took me to one side,

"Your wife has one of the rarest blood groups known and as far as we know there is only one person on our records with a matching type. You. "

"Are you sure there is only me? " I asked,


"Yes. " replied the surgeon,

"you had me scared for a minute there, " I said, "I thought you were going to be able to save her."

[Jimbuna]

My wife laughed when I said I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I rode pasta.

[Joefour]

Many, many moons ago when I was in high school my german teacher kept me after class one afternoon and told me I could have the pick of any of the now retired german textbooks he had stacked in a cabinet in the classroom. I've still got those books, and have always thought the stories in them were rather interesting and often funny. Some of them were even in Fraktur (gothic alphabet). Any way, here's one of them which I will give a loose translation of.

Title: Tit for Tat

The captain of a german ship was a very exacting man. He had no humor at all. For this reason he was not very well liked.
One warm evening there was a lively party on board. The sailors ate, drank to excess and sang their hearts out. There wasn't a sober man among them.
The next day the captain took out the logbook and wrote an entry: "Last night the helmsman was drunk."
Now, the helmsman was a very consciencious man, proud of his service record. When he saw what the captain had written in the logbook he was very unhappy. He went straightaway to the captain and asked him to change the entry.

" I can make no changes." said the captain.
"But Captain, think of my good reputation! I do my duties unerringly. I have never done this before and I promise that I will never do it again. Besides, it was in my off-duty time!"

The captain shook his head and said " You were drunk and partying with your friends last night. The entry shall remain in the logbook as it is!"
In the evening the helmsman had watch duty. He went into the captain's cabin and found the logbook. He took a pen and carefully wrote a short entry.
The next morning the captain got up and opened the log book and read with great astonishment this entry:

" Last night the captain was sober."

[Joefour]

Putin is still livid that Prince Charles likened him to Hitler. 'I don't go around making personal remarks about him, the jug-eared idiot' he added.

I see the joke campaign about WINGNUT is still alive and well in the Isles.

[BossMark]

As me and my friend were queuing for the pepsi max roller coaster at the pleasure beach, I said to him.

"I'm closing my eyes when we're at the top."

"Why...are you scared of heights?" he asked.

"Nah" I replied "it's just Blackpool looks even more of a dump from up here."

[Joefour]

Many years ago I worked in a factory in the LA area where several of the crew were from the Netherlands. All of them were conversant in english, french, german, and God only knows what other languages, as well as their own native tongue. If you remarked to any one of them about how amazing it was that they were fluent in so many languages, the reply was always the same:

"We have to. Who the hell speaks dutch?"

[BossMark]

I was in court for armed robbery. I was facing at least 15 years in prison. The judge said he was going to make an example out of me. My wife stood up and begged him to teach me a lesson about what I had done.

So he looked at my wife, then gave me the 15 year sentence,

under house arrest.

[Jimbuna]

My self harming, cannibal friend recently tried his hand at cooking.

[BossMark]

My wife and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid.

Eventually, she jumped up out of her chair, and yelled, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!"

I replied, "The plane hasn't landed yet."

[Jimbuna]

Last night I called my nudist mate to ask whether he had any plans for the evening.

He didn't have anything on.

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese neighbour said to me, "Lik Mayall no more."

"True! We've had self-adhesive stamps for some time now." I nodded smilingly.

[BossMark]

My wife caught me in bed with my secretary.
"What's the bloody idea?" she demanded.

"Well, love. The idea was that you were at your mother's and wouldn't be home 'til 10."

[Tango589]

My grandfather died in a WWII concentration camp.
He got drunk and fell off the guard tower.

[BossMark]

COMPARE and contrast.

Big Brother, Matthew, 23 on entering the house:
'Oh my God, I'm pooping myself. I'll try and stay calm. I don't like it at all. What am I doing? I'm scared. Oh God. That was absolutely terrible. That was absolutely horrific. I couldn't even smile. I don't even remember what happened. I got booed'.

The One Show, D-Day veteran Brian Carter, 89, on storming Omaha Beach:
'It was a pretty rough do'.

[BossMark]

My phone bill was huge this month.

A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her.

[BossMark]

David Beckham has expressed his sadness and disappointment after coming out of the Amazon jungle saying,

" All the time I was in there I didn't see any shelves with books or clothes anywhere."

[Jimbuna]

I gave my wife £50 and told her to go out on Thursday and leave me in peace while I watched World Cup football.

"I won't need that much," she laughed.

"You will," I said. "It's got to last you five weeks."

[BossMark]

I love taking part in extreme sports.

One of my favourite is sitting in the passenger seat when my wife is driving.

[Tango589]

A mate of mine hacked into the Samaritans computer system and replaced their on-hold music with Van Halens' 'Jump'.

[BossMark]

it's a sad day today as we mourn a year since my grandfathers passing. My grandmother remembers with fondness the last words he ever spoke to her.

"for Christ's sake Norma, if i want to watch TV in the bath, i'll bloody watch TV in the bath"

[Jimbuna]

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way, but honestly - what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

[BossMark]

It's always awkward telling people I'm a widower.

Especially when my wife found out.

[Jimbuna]

I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low.

But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup starts tonight.

[BossMark]

My boss walked up to my desk today and asked me if time goes a lot faster when I'm working.

I just looked at him. How the hell would I know?

[Jimbuna]

Bizarrely, One Direction have presented one of their bride-to-be fans with a signed guitar.

That's a bit like getting a signed pair of socks from Oscar Pistorius.....

[BossMark]

Just seen the state of the pitch that England will play on in Manaus.

Whose the groundsman, Gerry McCann?.

[Jimbuna]

I just told my Blonde girlfriend that I'm staying in today because I've got bronchitis, she said, "Awwwwww, I wish I had a dinosaur!"

[Tango589]

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, alcohol makes you lean

...against the bar, tables, chairs, lampposts and policemen.

[Jimbuna]

My Glaswegian mate has just paid to have all of his teeth replaced.

£1500 a tooth.

It cost him £3000.

[BossMark]

There is a hoax going around that Jeremy Clarkson is dead. Whoever came up with it is sick and clearly has no regard for the feelings and emotions of others...

Raising our hopes like that.

[Jimbuna]

I've just called a mobile welder.

I really hope he can fix my phone

[BossMark]

My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

[Jimbuna]

I went on a disastrous blind date in a Korean restaurant last night. Halfway through the meal the waiter came up to me and said, "How are you getting on with the dog?"

"Not great," I replied. "And the food's horrible too."

[Spiced_Rum]

I stocked my fridge full of beer for the World Cup, a different beer that is representative of each nation. San Miguel for Spanish siestas, Budweiser for soccer playing Americans, Lowenbrau for German strength. And Carlsberg for England because it is over-rated! :k_rofl:

[BossMark]

Just bought the amazing super fast broadband package from the Discovery Channel that lets you watch the Serengeti live in HD as if the animals were actually in your living room.

Just 19.99 per month plus lion rental.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said to me, "Look at the size of your beer belly."

"I blame the World Cup." I replied.

"Don't be daft, it only started on Friday."

"I think you'll find this to be my ninth tournament."

[BossMark]

The BBC are to replace Phil Neville as a commentator in the next England match..

With Siri.

[Jimbuna]

Snow White had just finished giving the 7 dwarfs their breakfast, and they set off for their days work at the mine.
" Heigh ho, Heigh ho, It's off to work we go. " etc.
So Snow White decided she had better start the washing up, She had just started at the sink, When there was a huge explosion from the mine.
She ran down to the mine, but the entrance was blocked by large boulders and dirt.
She began to clear the blockage away with her bare hands. It took her the best part of an hour to make any progress.
Then suddenly she thought she could hear a noise, so she stopped and listened.
She heard, " England, England, England. "
She thought to herself, " Thank God for that, at least Dopey is still alive. "

[BossMark]

I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to let people down.

Hence my sacking as winch operator on a rescue helicopter.

[Jimbuna]

The new Star Wars film will feature a new fat robot to star alongside R2D2 and C3P0, he will be called OBCT.

[BossMark]

When I bought my wife a set of golf clubs for her birthday, she hit the roof.

Her putting always left a lot to be desired.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into the Doctors and says " Doctor I keep getting this weird feeling that I am a horses house, am I going to be ok?"
The Doctor says, "Don't panic, you're in a stable condition"

[BossMark]

Well everyone got pissed and went home happy on Saturday night.

I'm never watching an England game in a Scottish pub again.

[Jimbuna]

The best thing about this Nigeria game is I am not getting spam emails from there whilst they watch it.

[BossMark]

I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week.


I ordered what was supposed to be the world's largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger.

[Jimbuna]

Our school washard we didn't have a nurse, we had a School Coroner.

[BossMark]

Just ate two thirds of a Mars, now all I want to do is rest & play!

[BossMark]

After the fiasco against Italy, Wayne Rooney has been practicing his corners.

And circles.

And colouring.

And doodles.

[Jimbuna]

If the Scottish fail to gain independence, maybe the UK should show its unity by creating a new country, to replace England and Scotland.
As a symbol of collaboration between these nations, this new country should combine the first three letters of England and the last four letters of Scotland.

[BossMark]

Coleen Rooney has flown out to Rio with her 2 sons to film An Idiot Abroad.

[Jimbuna]

I read that standards of education in the UK today are so low that many school leavers have no working knowledge of British history at all.

If she could see what's become of the country she died for, Joan of Arc would turn in her grave.

[BossMark]

The whole globe was in shock today, as people on every continent
were forced to go outside and get a life.

yep Facebook was down for 10 minutes.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend has had a tattoo of a butterfly put on her bum.

It is a rear admiral.

[Armistead]

Jim, could you European guys stop posting your jokes on an American forum?

:D

[Jimbuna]

Fair enough...I'll leave you with this one...

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

:03:

[eddie]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

[BossMark]

So Coronation street are doing a storyline which will see 12 year old Faye Windass get pregnant
I was wondering how they were going to bring ken back

[Jimbuna]

A salesman came to my door to sell us a washing machine the other day. I was in the barn at the time and my wife answered the door so she said to him, "Go down to my husband, he's just in the barn. He deals with all that malarky."
So he came down to the barn and said, "Hello sir, I'm calling round to see if you'd be interested in buying my washing machine."
I said to him, "I'm going to tell you a story:"

"You see that cow?", I said.
"Yes," He said.
"Yesterday, I went to milk that cow. When I put the bucket under her udder, she kicked me in the face with her left foot. So I tied her leg to a rope and tied the other end to that beam up there. I got back down again and she kicked me in the face with her other foot. So I tied a rope to her other leg and tied it to another beam up there. When I got back down again, she smacked me in the face with her pooed up tail. So I tied a rope to it and attached it to the beam above your head. I decided to have a quick pee before I started milking her and just as I was doing my zipper up, my wife walked in. Now, if you can convince my wife that I wasn't going to screw that cow, I'll buy your bloody washing machine."

[Armistead]

http://i651.photobucket.com/albums/uu235/Armistead1424/Armistead1424052/10485921_1430490887227632_6225701239668233335_n_zp s71127a4a.jpg

[nikimcbee]

Is this the World Cup thread? I'm lost.

[Jimbuna]

A lady walked towards me in Tesco and I suddenly pulled my coat open and flashed at her.

She smiled and said, " I knew I'd forgotten something, Cocktail Sausages, thank you."

[BossMark]

I was pulled over by the police today, in my car.
I wound down my window and the copper said, "Would you like to have a guess sir?"

I said, "30?"

"Try 45." He replied.

I said, "It's that hat, it takes years off you, I'll have to get myself one."

[Jimbuna]

25% of people don't use deodorant.

Unfortunately, they do use public transport.

[BossMark]

The wife had a right go at me this morning for peeing in the shower.

She says from now on, she'll go to B & Q on her own.

[BossMark]

Paddy is sitting at home when his wife says to him, 'Go to the shop and get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen'.
Paddy comes home with 12 loafs of bread.

[Jimbuna]

Coleen Rooney has leapt to the defence of husband Wayne on Twitter, telling critics that they wouldn't be able to do any better.

That might be true, but I'm sure they could have done the same job for a lot less money.

[BossMark]

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

[Jimbuna]

I've designed a range of suits covered in fish hooks and thistles.

I'll be surprised if they don't catch on.

[BossMark]

There are four signs of ageing in men.
First you forget names.
Then you forget faces.
You forget to pull your zip up.
Then you forget to pull it down.

[Jimbuna]

Roy Hodgson told the boys that there's no chance of taking anything from the tournament, so just go out, enjoy the sunshine, have a little kick around, and try not to pick up an injury.

Then they boarded the flight for Brazil.

[BossMark]

The wife said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.

Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

[Jimbuna]

Looks like the English team are gonna get screwed on penalties again....their luggage is gonna be way overweight bringing all that champagne back.

[Jimbuna]

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu."
When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?"
When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-one runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon one end well done and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee."
Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve food like that in here!"
Guy says, " You did yesterday..."

[BossMark]

Michael Schumacher has spoken out about global warming, in a statement he said "Things are getting pretty bad, just yesterday I was skiing and when I woke up this morning it was summer"

[Jimbuna]

Wimbledon started yesterday, so lets all hope Andy Murray can follow in the footsteps of the England football team.

By avoiding the net as often as possible.

[BossMark]

Seeing "Battleship Row" was the worst part of my holiday to Hawaii...

My fat wife, her fat sister, and my fat mother-in-law all out sunning themselves at the beach.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women's matches.

I have promised her I will stop.

[BossMark]

My little boy just run up to me and said......Daddy does that mean the other football player is going to turn into a vampire as well now?

[Armistead]

Seeing "Battleship Row" was the worst part of my holiday to Hawaii...

My fat wife, her fat sister, and my fat mother-in-law all out sunning themselves at the beach.

lmao

[BossMark]

I was in bed with the wife the other night when she said "Why don't you treat me like a real woman?"

So I put her on low wages.

[Jimbuna]

A ginger walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

"Single?" Asks the barman.

"Ha ha,very funny." Says the ginger.

[BossMark]

I asked a woman to stop breast feeding on the bus this morning.

"Idiot!" She replied, "It's the most natural thing in the world!"

"Not with a Chihuahua it's not."

[Jimbuna]

Apparently the England team have got to play another game. They are playing against Germany till half time when the USA will finally turn up.

[BossMark]

The bloke in the shop told me: "This is the new Google Smartwatch. It allows users to send texts and emails, surf the web, schedule appointments or play games or music, It will also act as a fitness tracker. I said "That's brilliant! But how do you tell what time it is?" He replied, "Oh, that's what your phone is for..."

[Jimbuna]

So, Luis Suarez has been banned from all football related activities for 4 months.

The poor thing is gonna starve to death.

[Nippelspanner]

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

[Kommandant_Wesser]

I use to be addicted to Soap,

Now I'm Clean


HEYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!:rock::rock:

[Nippelspanner]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.

[BossMark]

Esso and Texaco are discussing whether to employ security guards at Petrol Stations.

Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting bloody robbed.

[Jimbuna]

It's been dogged by numerous delays but I understand that the first album from the Procrastinators is due out any day now.

[Jimbuna]

A 7-year-old boy was being beaten by his parents. What the judge did next was is genius.

http://www.tickld.com/x/a-7-year-old-boy-was-being-beaten-by-his-parents-what-the-judge-did-next-is-gen

[BossMark]

People say gambling ruins lives but it's brought our family closer.

We had to move to a 1 bedroom flat.

[Nippelspanner]

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

Then I unplugged his life support...

[BossMark]

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communication issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.

So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

[Jimbuna]

£200 to install my anti virus package on my PC, £45 for each update plus £10 cos it's Sunday charge.

Wish I'd never gone with Make-A-Fee now!!

[BossMark]

Many people say that alcoholism is a disease.

I reckon it's more of a talent.

[Jimbuna]

Just back off a holiday to Switzerland.

I was feeling sorry for their police, they have a tough job. One of them was up to his neck in snow.

I said, "Wow, you're having a rough day."

"Yeah, and it's even rougher on my horse," he replied.

[BossMark]

"No injuries after 2 Ryanair jets collide on ground at London airport."

I bet the passengers were glad they'd paid the extra to have a seat belt.

[Jimbuna]

If Suarez and Tyson entered a fishing competion, who would you put your money on for the first bite?

[BossMark]

Bit unfair of Glastonbury to put Dolly Parton on at 5pm yesterday, given her strict working hours.

[Jimbuna]

Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' � which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

[BossMark]

Time to revoke Australia's commonwealth status.

We're supposed to send them our convicts not the other way round.

[BossMark]

This bloke came up to me and said, "Did you know, Jesus died for your sins?"

I said, "I'd heard that."

He said, "Would you like to confess your sins to me?"

I said, "I nail people to crosses."

[Jimbuna]

Serena Williams exits Wimbledon with a virus.


I bet it's man flu.

[BossMark]

Blimey, the way things are going at the moment - the BBC won't have any footage left of the 60s, 70s or 80s.

[fireftr18]

Serena Williams exits Wimbledon with a virus.


I bet it's man flu.

Good one, Jim.

:k_rofl:

[BossMark]

As I got out of my van in the supermarket car park today some bloke came up to me.

"Excuse me, sir." he said, "But you've just parked across two disabled bays."

"Have I really?" I asked.

"You have indeed," he replied, "What's your disability?"

I said, "I'm blind."

[Jimbuna]

I got some pills from the doctor recently which he said could cause me to hallucinate.

"He doesn't know what he's talking about, I haven't noticed a thing." I said to my pet unicorn.

[BossMark]

I've just seen that Rolf Harris has been put on Suicide Watch

And I thought to myself, gee, how do I get tickets to that?

[Jimbuna]

The police are looking for witnesses to a nearby hit and run last Friday night.

I didn't see anything when I went past but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same bugga who threw a tricycle under my car.

[Jimbuna]

So todays the day the Americans celebrate Independence day.

Can't say I blame them, it was a great film.

[BossMark]

A Brixton vicar is offering a reward of £10,000 cash to help stop gun violence.

Brilliant. Now people with guns just found out about a vicar who has £10k in cash.

[Jimbuna]

In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.

I just need to talk her into it now.

[Armistead]

So todays the day the Americans celebrate Independence day.

Can't say I blame them, it was a great film.

Whooped you Brits twice as I recall.....

[Jimbuna]

My wife said she wanted me to give her mother a "Proper send off", at her funeral today.

So I got the vicar to blow a whistle and hold up a red card, as they lowered her into the hole.

[BossMark]

I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance.

Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.

[Jimbuna]

Tour De France - Leeds

I haven't see this many bikes in Leeds since that Essex girls hen party in 2010.

[BossMark]

Really looking forward to the men's final at Wimbledon tomorrow.

Isn't it refreshing neither of the Williams made it?

[BossMark]

A salesman went out of town for business.

After a couple of weeks he comes home and tells his wife about it. "Guess what dear, I earned 4000 quid by selling 50 mattresses and 30 pairs of panties."

The wife replies "Really, well with just one mattress and no panties I earned twice as much."

[Jimbuna]

Was in the pub last night and bumped into Limahl who was very drunk. I struck up a conversation with him and he started to pour his heart out to me and he rambled on and on and on...........It was a never ending story.

[BossMark]

Everyone is complaining that the Mens Wimbledon final took 4 and half hours and the women's took just 51 minutes. So why should women get equal pay....

Well it did take them 4 hours before just to get ready.

[BossMark]

My wife has threatened to leave me unless I cut down on my drinking, so now I'm a weekend drinker.

I start on Sunday and finish on Saturday.

[Jimbuna]

My mate said, "I like your car."
I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you."
I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"
He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

[BossMark]

As my fiancee entered the church and walked down the aisle in her big white dress I couldn't help thinking,

"What an inappropriate thing to wear to a funeral".

[Jimbuna]

200 professional cyclists have been pedaling around Yorkshire, Cambridgeshire, Essex and Greater London for the past 3 days, in the belief that they've been competing in a race called the Tour de France,

And the authorities claim none of them are on drugs any more.

[BossMark]

A Christian bakers in Belfast has refused to bake a "Gay Cake" because is against their beliefs and what the bible teaches

well sorry I don't recall the bible having a cookery section

[Jimbuna]

He wears stockings, carries a knife and sneaks into little girls bedrooms.

I'm amazed Peter Pan has got away with it for as long as he has.

[BossMark]

I saw a couple of Essex girls walk into my neighbour's house last night.

You would have thought one of them would have seen it?

[BossMark]

It's funny when you go through airport security they now make sure your phone is charged, then you get on the plane and they tell you to switch it off.

Make up your bloody mind...

[BossMark]

All passengers are advised to have their electronics charged when they get to the airport for extra security checks.

You're knackered if you own anything by Apple and live more than a 20 minute drive away!

[magic452]

Today I was flying a kite with my son without much success.
Wife came out of the house and said "You need more tail".

"Make up your mind lady. Last night you told me to go fly a kite".

Magic

[TarJak]

This guy approaches an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. "Excuse me. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older fellow said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea but every time I talk to a woman with a figure like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

[BossMark]

Tried phoning marriage guidance counselling earlier but had trouble making myself heard.

They said I was breaking up ...

The wife took the news very badly.

[Jimbuna]

I cheated on my wife last night.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery. - Exodus - Chapter 20, Verse 14" my neighbour said to me.

"Mind your business and bugga off. - Insults for Dummies - page 18" I replied.

[BossMark]

There should be a Life On Mars Special where Gene Hunt goes round arresting all the TV presenters from the 1970's

[BossMark]

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.

One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"

So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.

Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.

[Jimbuna]

After equipment theft at the O2 Arena; police have no leads.

So they'll play acoustic instead.

[BossMark]

I had to divorce my wife because she loved sex in the morning

Right after I left for work.

[Jimbuna]

I grew up in Glasgow in the 1970s.
If you want to know what Glasgow was like in the 1970s, go there now.

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber is due be charged in Los Angeles, regarding an egg-throwing incident in January which damaged a neighbour's home.

The judge said it was the most pointless use of an egg since the fertilization of Justin Bieber.

[Jimbuna]

Thor is set to become a woman?

Can't really see villains being intimidated by an iron to be honest.

[BossMark]

I was chatting to a girl on a dating website and during the conversation she messaged me "ROFLMAO PMSL"

I thought "Great, she's Welsh" and logged off.

[Jimbuna]

An outbreak of Norovirus in the commonwealth athletes village?
We can expect some strong runs in the 100m then..

[BossMark]

Apparently the Royal Family is running out of money. They're down to just £26.5 million ...

Which is what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.

[Jimbuna]

My father had a job in a tiddly-winks factory. He didn't like it... it was counter productive.

[Jimbuna]

Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.

[BossMark]

Athlete on the uneven bars, Beth Tweddle.

Typical Northern girl.

Wearing very little. Going from bar to bar. And at the end, couldn't quite stand up.

[Buddahaid]

What are the two funkiest barn yard animals?

Chicken brown, chicken brown cow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrBx6mAWYPU
2:08

:D:rock:

[BossMark]

So Thor is a woman now and her special weapon will be a spanner or a spirit level or a pair of pliers..

Or whatever in the tool box she thinks is a hammer.

[Jimbuna]

Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

[BossMark]

As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the hell are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied, "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."

[Jimbuna]

Can anyone tell me why they have toilets in the changing rooms at my local swimming pool?

[Jimbuna]

There are so many boarded-up houses in Liverpool, that the window cleaner goes round with a sander.

[BossMark]

I don't think my new girlfriend is much of a cook. Last night she made us beans on toast.

It wasn't bad, but I usually like my coffee in liquid form.

[Jimbuna]

I went into my local newsagents and I saw that he had put up a big sign saying, "NO READING IN THIS SHOP"
I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk?"

[BossMark]

Security has been stepped up at Heathrow Airport, and armed police are patrolling every terminal.

It's done nothing to hold down crime at the airport, though.

They're still charging four quid fifty for a cheese toastie.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend says I commit to things too quickly.

She sounds just like my fourth wife.

[BossMark]

News: Queen's racehorse tests positive for morphine.

Camilla's a junkie?

[Jimbuna]

Was at the top of the Empire State building when I saw a very attactive girl, so I leaned in and whispered, "Baby I wanna make all your fantasies come true."

She turned to me and whispered back, "Awww that's so sweet. Try not to land on my car...."

[BossMark]

I was sat on the sofa next to my wife last night when my hands started to roam and she began to giggle. After a few minutes she said, "That felt really nice, why did you stop?"

I replied, "Because I found the remote control."

[Jimbuna]

!! LIVERPOOL FANS WARNING !!
If you leave a child in your car during this hot weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag.

[BossMark]

Nice to see Scotland have spent at least £900 on the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony.

[Jimbuna]

Who knew that Celtic Park could host something more depressing than an SPL match.

[BossMark]

My wife said, "How come you can remember who scored the winning goal in a cup final from twenty years ago, but you can't remember our wedding anniversary?"

I replied, "Because that goal was a happy moment."

[Jimbuna]

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

[BossMark]

I once had a near death experience but I'm still here to tell the tale.

Thank god I decided to not turn up at the church that day.

[BossMark]

Sham Marriages 'Rising At Alarming Rate' In UK.

Katie Price has a lot to answer for.

[Jimbuna]

When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.

[BossMark]

My wife said, "Can we stop fighting now?"

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because your nose is broke and my knuckles are sore."

[Jimbuna]

I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on scouse culture I ordered months ago still wasn't in?

"it's not our fault" said the librarian

"Yeah that's the one" I replied

[BossMark]

Comic and former psychiatric nurse Jo Brand has accused The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent of exploiting people with mental health problems.


The viewers, mainly.

[Jimbuna]

Legendary ventriloquist Keith Harris has told of how he nearly died from cancer, because he was too nervous about seeing his doctor.

"It's not nice, having someone root around up your bottom, is it?"


Said Orville.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a job interview yesterday.

The interviewer shook my hand and said, "Hi, I'm John McEnroe."

I replied, "You cannot be serious!"

[BossMark]

During lunchtime today I was teaching my 2yr old daughter how to use a fork.

"That's right sweetheart , do it in nice straight lines so that daddy can plant his potatoes"

[Herr-Berbunch]

A couple of days ago I was mugged and had my wallet stolen.

I still haven't reported it yet as the thief is spending less than the wife.

[Jimbuna]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are .
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[magic452]

Ole and Swen are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The Ole says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"

Swen says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

Ole says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.

They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them.

As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

Ole says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a old transmission."

Magic

[BossMark]

In the 70s, children would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. You drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. You shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. You ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but you weren't overweight because...... YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! You would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as you were back when the streetlights came on.

Oh yeah... and you also watched TV shows presented by paedophiles, or went on them and got molested.

[Jimbuna]

My wife walked out on me last week, after years of abuse about her weight and I've been in a deep, deep depression ever since.


Sleeping on her side of the bed.

[BossMark]

WH Smith - they charge a penny for a bag because they are trying to be 'environmentally friendly' - then they give you a whole trees worth of receipts and special offer vouchers.

[Jimbuna]

Announcement over the public address system on a train:

"Good afternoon, this is your ticket inspector speaking. In approximately half an hour, I will be coming to inspect your tickets. I would like to ask all the ladies on board to begin their search NOW."

[BossMark]

"How did you get on?" I text my dyslexic friend after his boxing match.

"OK" he replied.

[Jimbuna]

My boss called me into his office. "Why do you spend such a lot of time in the toilet?" he asked.

"I'm a slow reader," I said.

[BossMark]

Oil is formed when dead bodies decompose under pressure over long periods of time.

So a million years from now, America will be invading Iraq to obtain the remains of the people they blew up the last time they went there to steal all the oil.

[Jimbuna]

Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says "Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?" The father camel looks down on the son and says. "Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water." The young camel looks astonished and says "Wow, I didn't know that!"

A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again "Dad! Why do we have really thick eyelids?" The older father, rather agitated by his son's curiosity, answers quickly. "So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. "Wow!" The young camel says...

Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. "Dad!". "What now!" The father camel asks. The son then asks. "Why do we have huge feet?" "Well son." The father camel starts. "We need to tread through the sand and our feet are big so we can travel much easier..."

A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. "What!?"

"Dad.... What the hell are we doing in a zoo then?"

[BossMark]

"We fit a little black box, and you get a discount on your car insurance if you 'Drive like a Girl' "
So let me get this straight:
If i pull out at junctions without looking,
Only use my mirrors for putting on makeup,
Signal a millisecond before turning in to a road,
Slow down for no apparent reason,
Drive at 30 mph in a 40 zone,and then immediately speed up to 40 once the limit goes down to 30,
Not know what to do at roundabouts,
Not know the correct lane to use,
Signal left, then turn right,
Stall, and over-rev the engine constantly....I ACTUALLY get a discount???

[BossMark]

I was about to go to the cinema with my date, then I asked her, "Do you want to watch a horror?"

She said, "No, thanks. I'm afraid of ghosts. Can we watch a chick flick instead?"

I said, "Definitely not."

She asked, "Why not?"

I replied, "I'm afraid of commitment."

[Jimbuna]

It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

[BossMark]

I've just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a nightclub in Spain.

Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore today.

Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.

[Jimbuna]

I came home from work and my wife said, "I washed your England shirt for you today."
I said, "What England shirt?"
She said, "The red one that was in the frame on the wall. Whoever Bobby Moore is, tell him to stop drawing all over your clothes."

[BossMark]

"Do you have caller ID on your phone?" I asked Paddy.

"I don't need it" he replied. "If I call someone, then I already know that it's me who's calling them".

[Jimbuna]

The wife came home today and said, "My colleague got a surprise gift from her boyfriend - a brand new Porsche. Isn't that great?"

"It sure is," I smiled.

"Why don't you buy me one?" she asked, playfully.

"Because I can't afford another one," I replied.

[BossMark]

I phoned my girlfriend, and said, "I was thinking dinner in my place tonight, think you can make it?"

She said, "I'll be there at seven, babe."

I replied, "Make it five, the dinner won't prepare itself."

[Jimbuna]

BBC news: Which form of execution goes wrong in the US most often?


If I had to pick one I would say the English language...

[BossMark]

I see that Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber,
I so hate that celebrities get to the front of the queue

[Jimbuna]

President Obama has finally admitted that the US is guilty of using torture, and has formally apologised for Piers Morgan's TV show.

[BossMark]

Two French tourists have sparked outrage after a video emerged of them luring a squirrel to the edge of the Grand Canyon, then booting it over the side.

I was really quite surprised to see Frenchmen standing up to a squirrel.

[Nippelspanner]

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "Should we do it??"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."

So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says "Well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

[Nippelspanner]

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian.

Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room.
They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know.
They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy responds, "I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!"

[BossMark]

My doctor told me my liver is ruined.
I think it's because I've been taking too much paracetamol.
Two every morning to help cure my hangover.

[BossMark]

"No, daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and swallow again, it will make me sick like it did before."

"Come on now, sweetheart, it's not that bad, and your mum's cooking has improved a little."

[Jimbuna]

I accidentally forgot about our daughter and left her in the supermarket earlier while shopping so I gave them a call.

"Yes we have your daughter here sir and don't worry, she's fine. She's ready and waiting for you to pick her up".

"Oh thank God, thank you" I replied. "Tell her I'll be back to do next week's shopping on Saturday.

[BossMark]

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say:

"Hey, look, that one is shaped like an idiot!"

[Jimbuna]

I think the old man down the road has named his dog help. He must of lost him because he was screaming his name the other day. He must of found him though I haven't heard him since.

[BossMark]

I told my daughter never to accept a lift home from a man she doesn't know.

Six hours she's been stood at that bus stop now.

[Jimbuna]

Failed another Job Interview today...

Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.

[BossMark]

It was very moving to see Prince Charles laying a wreath in memory of the millions who fought during the Great War.

It was also a nice touch by him to take the trouble to wear all of their medals.

[Jimbuna]

German court agrees to drop Bernie Ecclestone bribery charges in exchange for £60 million...

Did Bernie Ecclestone just bribe his way out of bribery charges?

[kirilll]

Dad is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled. "What the **** happened?" He demands "Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes" "AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse" "OMG, What happened?" asks dad sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt" "NO!" shouts Dad "Then?" Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out" "WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts.

[BossMark]

Bernie Ecclestone has ended his trial on a charge of bribery in a German court by making a payment of £60 million to the German government.

And they say the Germans don't have a sense of humour...

[Jimbuna]

Wife: I am not talking to you.

Me: Okay.

Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?

Husband: No, I respect & trust your decision!

And that's when the fight started...

[BossMark]

The judge in the Bernie Eccleston trial has homes in New York, Beverley Hills and Monaco.

Now.

[Buddahaid]

The judge in the Bernie Eccleston trial has homes in New York, Beverley Hills and Monaco.

Now.

Well who doesn't? Sheesh!

[Buddahaid]

Wife: I am not talking to you.

Me: Okay.

Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?

Husband: No, I respect & trust your decision!

And that's when the fight started...

This one rings a bell....

[BossMark]

I ordered some camouflage pants the other day...


bastards sent me an empty box.

[TarJak]

This one rings a bell....

No that's Quasimodo. :D

[Jimbuna]

"So, what's your story then?" My date asked. "Been married, kids?"

"Well I used to be." I said. "No kids and my wife passed away. She drowned."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." She gasped. "Recently?"


"Quite recent." I replied. "My sleeves are still wet."

[BossMark]

A cargo ship from Liverpool has been subject to a piracy attack off the coast of Somalia.

Thankfully the hijacking was intervened and the navy rescued the Somalians.

[Jimbuna]

A nun walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on the immaculate conception, please?"

"Yes," replied the librarian, "over in the theology section. Having a little refresher are we, sister?"


"No," she replied. "I'm pregnant and I just want to make sure I get my story right."

[BossMark]

I just got done checking out Dawn of the Planet of the Apes or as others prefer to call it, Facebook.

[Jimbuna]

I was having a brew with the wife this morning and she saved me from choking to death on a custard cream.


She'd eaten them all.

[BossMark]

Took my blonde girlfriend to Lands End as a surprise trip. On arriving I exclaimed, "So I guess this is the End, then."

She ran off sobbing uncontrollably. Not seen her since.

[Jimbuna]

A woman broke the traffic signal:

Policeman: Stop....!

Woman: Let me go, I am a teacher running late.

Policeman: Aha, I have waited this moment all my life.

Woman: Please....!

Policeman: Now write 100 times, I will never break a traffic signal again.

[Jimbuna]

I went to the doctor with an echo in my ears.

He gave me a repeat prescription.

[Jimbuna]

As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog crap all over my shoes."

[BossMark]

Police are now trialling portable on-the-spot DNA testing machines for use at crime scenes.

A Police spokesman said "It's a great bit of kit, we are now able to tamper with the evidence much quicker."

[BossMark]

After being away for some 20 years I returned to the town I grew up in and passed the old fashioned cobblers shop I used to patronise. The old cobbler was still at work there.

We chatted about old times for a while and he remembered that I had left a pair of shoes with him to be heeled which I had never picked up.

He went to the back room and returned with the dusty shoes.

I asked if they were ready, he replied they'll be ready on Thursday

[Jimbuna]

Whilst teaching a blonde bird to drive, I said to her, "Which do you work in, miles or kilometers?"

She said, "Niether, I'm unemployed."

[magic452]

Back in 2012 my left leaning liberal friends told me if I voted for Romney we would be bombing Iraq again. :hmmm: :huh:

So I voted for Romney and sure enough we are bombing Iraq again. :o
Dang I hate it when liberals are right. :/\\!!

Magic

[BossMark]

Alcohol drinks are to carry warnings: "Warning - Contents may make you pissed"

Except in the case of Fosters which will read "Warning - Contains piss"

[Jimbuna]

Marks and Spencers has announced they are in financial trouble. They have merged with Poundstretcher.

They will now be known as Stretch Marks.