The joke thread

[BossMark]

My wife said she's leaving me because I can't do anything right when it comes to housework.

Selfish cow, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

[Maltadog]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my crimson shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's crimson shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my crimson shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your crimson shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the crimson shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown trousers!!"

[Maltadog]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[Jimbuna]

If a woman ever pulls a knife on you during an argument,pull out some bread,cheese & mayonnaise.........

Her instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich ....

[BossMark]

One Direction have claimed their New Year's resolution is to try something new .
Might I suggest : Russian roulette skydiving

[Jimbuna]

'Ok then dad show us what you got'.

'Two pair', he said slamming them on the table.

'Oh...I have 3 of a kind', I replied laughing.

'Right that's enough son, these socks are going straight back to Primarks

[Herr-Berbunch]

Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his!

[kranz]

Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his!
:har:

[BossMark]

Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his!
Oops better put my reading glasses on in future

[Jimbuna]

Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his!

I know what his problem is...too much of those exercises that can affect your eyesight whilst waiting for the next Ukrainian flight to arrive at Leeds/Bradford :)

[Sailor Steve]

The real problem is people copying and pasting things without taking the time to relax and enjoy them. :O:

[Jimbuna]

So Nelson Mandela went from prison to politics.

Quite the opposite of how we do it in this country.

[AVGWarhawk]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.



Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!



Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!



Happy Holidays!

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2:

Nice to see one that's funny. :D

[TarJak]

Unfortunately it's also a repeat. That one has been posted before

[Jimbuna]

Unfortunately it's also a repeat. That one has been posted before

Yep but I still enjoyed it :)

[Jimbuna]

My wife came home today and said, "A guy at work bought his wife a brand new porsche as a surprise gift, isn't that wonderful!"

"Well, she's not the only one getting a surprise today," I smiled, winking and waving a bunch of keys in her face.

"Oh darling, really?" she cried, excitedly.

"Yes," I said, "Unlock the basement and let the kids out for the day."

[BossMark]

"Thank god it's Friday," I said to the barman.

"It's the thirteenth, isn't it?" he asked as he poured my pint.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Two more then I'll be able to go home and face the wife."

[Sailor Steve]

Unfortunately it's also a repeat. That one has been posted before
So have most of the jokes on here. That doesn't stop anybody.

[Jimbuna]

So have most of the jokes on here. That doesn't stop anybody.

Bah, humbug!!

[BossMark]

I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today, my brother died last night."

"How many brothers do you have?" he asked.

"6." I replied.

"Gotcha!" he said, "You've used this excuse 7 times now, how is this possible???"

I said, "I used to have 13 brothers."

[Jimbuna]

Paddy is sitting on a train with his mate Mick. Mick is doing a crossword puzzle. He looks perplexed so Paddy asks him if he's stuck on a clue.
"It says here 'Old McDonald had one'" says Mick.
"That's easy." said Paddy, "It's 'FARM'".
"Of course it is!" says Mick. "How do you spell it?"
"I'm not sure," replied Paddy, "I think it's E-I-E-I-O"

[magic452]

It's been pretty cold here lately and my wife text me this.

Windows frozen, won't open.

My reply Gently pour lukewarm water over them.

Five minuter later I got this.
Computer really screwed up now.


Magic

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2: :rock:

Gotta love a good miscommunication.

[BossMark]

I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.
They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.

All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.

[Moonlight]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[Jimbuna]

My doctor has promised to cure my low blood pressure. He gave me a prescription to take to the newsagent.

"Don't you mean the chemist?" I asked.

"No," he said, "it's a year's subscription to the Daily Mail."

[BossMark]

Tonight ITV. X factor, the final.

If only it was true.

[Peter Cremer]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

This is not a joke.........it's true.

[Peter Cremer]

Why did the MP cross the road?

I don't know, but he claimed 80 quid expenses for the journey.


Obama would have made him buy health insurance!

[Jimbuna]

My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, "You know you could do better."

"Thanks dad, that means a lot.", I replied

"I was talking to your girlfriend."

[Herr-Berbunch]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

[Herr-Berbunch]

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration of Sterling with the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' must not be used after 31st December 2013.

From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

[BossMark]

So the Irish government wants unemployed people to leave the country.

Could take a while if they have to settle their bar tabs first

[Jimbuna]

I went to see a fortune teller at the local fair.
"Your wife's name is Laura, no?" she asked
"Yes," I said. "That's right."
"And you daughter, Cassie. I see she is going to hospital for an operation?"
"Yes!" I replied. "She is having a congenital condition corrected."
"You shouldn't worry." she said. "The surgeon is the best in his field."
"Thank you!" I said. "But how do you know all this?"
"Easy," she said. "Up until last week I used to work for the NSA."

[BossMark]

I had a double stroke of luck tonight.

My mother in law died while knitting my Christmas jumper.

[Tango589]

I had a double stroke of luck tonight.

My mother in law died while knitting my Christmas jumper.

:rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

BT have announced that they are to start blocking access to porn using a new internet filter.

Replacing the current method of offering hopeless download speeds

[swamprat69er]

BT have announced that they are to start blocking access to porn using a new internet filter.


No more porn? :wah: What is the world coming to? We'll have to go back to using our imaginations.:D

[Jimbuna]

The banks and building societies have vowed to get as many people as they can get out of the fuel poverty trap this Christmas.

They're going to reposses their homes.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I went to the doctors this morning and she asked how many units of alcohol I have. I replied 21.

That's good, the recommended limit is 28 per week, she said.

Thank goodness I saw her on a Tuesday!

[Herr-Berbunch]

Whitley Bay and Vegas.

The only two places in the world you can pay for sex with chips*.






*that's fries to some of you*

[Jimbuna]

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

[TarJak]

Whitley Bay and Vegas.

The only two places in the world you can pay for sex with chips*.






*that's fries to some of you*

That's why Americans call them different things. So their hookers don't get confused.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is one of those people who don't know how to take a compliment.

Every time I try to tell her that I think her fat wobbly backside is sexy, she starts to cry.

[BossMark]

New Years resolutions are a lot like one night stands.

Making promises you have no intention of keeping the day after.

[Jimbuna]

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.

I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"

"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.

"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.

"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

[BossMark]

I just sat my girlfriend down on the sofa and said, "There's something I need to do."

"What is it?" she asked, "You're scaring me."

I said, "I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore."

She immediately jumped up, punched me in the face and ran out of the house screaming, "Never talk to me again you bastard!!"

bloody great.
£1500 this engagement ring cost me.

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.

"What can I do for you?" He asked.

"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

[BossMark]

I came in late from work and asked the wife if she'd made me any dinner.

She said "Who do you think organizes Christmas?"
"Who do you think wraps all the presents?"
"Who do you think writes all the cards?"
"Who do you think buys all the presents under the tree?"

I replied "Wait a minute, is this some sort of festive quiz?"

[Jimbuna]

The office Christmas party. A great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

[BossMark]

I answered the door and said, "Not again, you came last Christmas. Here's a fiver, now clear off, and shut the gate on your way out." Slamming the door behind me.

My wife shouted, "Dave, stop being horrible to the carol singers, they're only raising money for charity."

I said, "It wasn't them, it was your bloody Mother."

[Jimbuna]

My wife was holding our twin baby boys.

"Ouch!" she said. "He's pinching my chin"

"Which one?" I asked.

"Jack"

It's weird that she's got names for her chins.

[Platapus]

A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why.

"Well, my mother-in-law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome."

[Jimbuna]

I've just been sacked from my job on hospital radio.

Apparently, playing "Do They Know it's Christmas" on repeat, is not appropriate behaviour for the Alzheimer's ward.

[BossMark]

My wife wouldn't be happy if she knew what I went to the works Christmas do as every year.

Single.

[Jimbuna]

Found a list my 5 year old son had written of all the things he has done today:

woken up
breakfast
played hayday
hang up the snowman
i write dads card
had lunch
raped mums present
made biscuits

Such a sweet kid. I just hope he didn't buy his mum a puppy.

[Jimbuna]

I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day.
"What are you here for?" asked the driver.
"My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come too."

[BossMark]

My wife unwrapped her present.

"A car!" she shrieked, rattling the keys. "You got me a BMW!?"

"Not quite" I said, "they're Bob's next door - I've got Jenny from No 8."

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday was 'Panic Saturday', where shoppers in Britain spent an estimated 1.8 million pounds per minute.

Have we as a nation truly forgotten what Christmas is really about?

Getting drunk and watching Bond films on the telly.

[BossMark]

All these reports of the high winds slowing down everyone's travel are surely an exaggeration.
I've just seen a bloke on a pushbike doing 60mph

[Jimbuna]

"It's Christmas Eve Eve!". No it's not, it's the 23rd December and stop calling me Eve.

[Herr-Berbunch]

"It's Christmas Eve Eve!". No it's not, it's the 23rd December and stop calling me Eve.

The wife's called Eve, so I can say it's xmas eve eve Eve.

[Jimbuna]

The wife's called Eve, so I can say it's xmas eve eve Eve.

Call her what you want but best ensure she's out of earshot :)

[Tango589]

The wife's called Eve, so I can say it's xmas eve eve Eve.

Oh, I so hope your real name is Adam...:O:

[Tango589]

On a related note, I'm just about to to some damage to this:

http://res.cloudinary.com/ratebeer/image/upload/w_250,c_limit,q_85,d_beer_def.gif/beer_237466.jpg

:Kaleun_Cheers:

[Jimbuna]

^ Mouthwash :)

[Tango589]

^ Mouthwash :)

I wouldn't have said that. it has a certain joi de vivre about it.

Anyway, back to the jokes...

[Jimbuna]

I wouldn't have said that. it has a certain joi de vivre about it.

Anyway, back to the jokes...

LOL...the beer looks good :03:

[fireftr18]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Rea has broken down!

[BossMark]

2013 years and nine months ago, God visited the 12-year-old Virgin Mary in her sleep. When He left, she was bearing his one and only child.

It's only a matter of time before Operation Yewtree catch up with Him.

[Jimbuna]

Ah Christmas.
The day you have a lie in, then get up to go visit friends, play on the new Playstation games, have a couple of drinks, followed by a turkey dinner and Christmas pud, then just chill out for the rest of the day while someone else cleans up all your mess.

It's awesome in prison.

[Jimbuna]

Christmas Day in World War One, the German and the Allied forces call a truce and begin a friendly game of football in the middle of No Man's Land.

They probably still beat us on penalties.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend said, "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know."

Turns out she meant together

[Jimbuna]

So I come home early one day and the wife is sitting cross-legged on the bed, completely naked.

"What's going on? Why are you naked?" I ask.

"Oh, it's just that I haven't got any clothes to wear," she replies.

"Bollocks," I say, throwing open the closet door. "Look, you've got tons of clothes. Here's a red dress, here's a blue dress, here's Fred, here's a flowered dress..."

[Jimbuna]

I've deleted your previous post for you...it was a carbon copy of your previous post :doh:

[Jimbuna]

I was in bed watching the wife slip on her new stiletto heels.

"Are you ready for the pain babe?" she giggled and then handed over the receipt.

[BossMark]

As we came out of the church, my new bride walked across the street, kicked a homeless tramp in the face and spat on him.

"What the hell was that about?," I asked.

"Shut up," she replied, "or you'll become an ex husband too."

[Jimbuna]

My wife left me for being vain and self-centered. Oh well, her loss.

[Armistead]

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

[BossMark]

Terrible news on the F1 scene today....

Races are set to continue to be televised next year.

[Aktungbby]

A young GI is touring the tea houses of Tokyo on leave and sampling the local delights. Seeking to impress a comely hostess of surpassing beauty, he rips open his tunic to bare the tattooed flag on his chest, "American!" he boasts...the lovely diplomatic geisha calmly loosens her kimono and obi and opens it slightly in a revelatory fashion: "Nipponese"!!!:x

[Jimbuna]

I showed a class of Welsh children a David Blaine DVD and they were amazed at the magical powers on display.

But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed.

[BossMark]

As news that Michael Schumacher is in a critical condition spread, a whole host of current F1 stars have come out and said how gutted they are.

That it's not Sebastian Vettel.

[Jimbuna]

No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.

[BossMark]

Everyone said the wife and I got married way too early.

"Don't you think we should at least wait for some of the guests to arrive?" The priest asked.

[Jimbuna]

It's just turned New Year in North Korea - Happy 1950!

[BossMark]

For all my Scottish mates, the 1986 calendars are the ones you can now pull out and use again.

[Jimbuna]

I just got a free Xbox one, PS4 and Android phone!

It's almost as if this gun is magical.

[BossMark]

I was out drinking with my mates at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.

Is she bloody insecure or what?

That's an average of 6 calls a day.

[Jimbuna]

A Lion walks into a restaurant and sits down. The Waiter comes over and says, "Would you like to order a starter, Sir?"

The Lion says, "Yes, I'll have the salmon"

"Very good Sir," says the Waiter, "and what would you like for your main?"

The Lion says, "Oh, just a comb, please."

[BossMark]

I wonder how long the sympathy will last with Michael Schumacher before someone removes his towel from the ski-lift seat.

[Jimbuna]

My fat wife said, "I've just found out I'm pregnant, so you know I'm now going to have to start eating for 2."

I replied, "Bloody hell, are you really planning on cutting down that much?"

[BossMark]

My New Year's resolution is to take more risks.

I've just bought a flat in Newcastle...

[Jimbuna]

Chelsea have announced a £50m loss.

Or to give him his full name, Fernando Torres.

[BossMark]

An explosion has ripped through the 'Lego' factory.

Resulting in the worlds largest game of 'Tetris'.

[Jimbuna]

January 31st begins the Chinese year of the horse.

Just be careful of the Tesco special edition burger.

[BossMark]

The Met Office have issued a warning to stay away from Britain's coastline.

Having been to Blackpool, glad to.

[Jimbuna]

Well it's January the third and I must admit I have not yet seen a Bulgarian. But in all fairness, I have only been in Bulgaria for three days.

[BossMark]

Did you know it's Michael Schumacher's birthday today?......Nope neither does he!

[Jimbuna]

I'm really not looking forward to my job interview tomorrow.

I'm not qualified and I can never think what to say.

Still, the candidate will probably be nervous too.

[BossMark]

There's an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid.

It's called Facebook.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is a 'backseat driver'

She's got extremely long arms and legs.

[BossMark]

I took a sip of the wine, swilled it around in my mouth and spat it out.

"It's not very smooth on the palate," I said, "do you have a claret?"

"bugger off," replied the Catholic priest.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said to me, "You only love me because my father left me a million pounds."

"That's not true," I replied, "I'd still love you whoever left it to you."

[BossMark]

Having my ears syringed is one of the most painful things I've ever had done.

I can hear my wife perfectly now.

[Jimbuna]

Lionel Blair said as he was about to enter the Celeb BB house "I have literally no idea of who is in there"

Don't worry Lionel, once you get in there, you'll still have no clue who they are.

[BossMark]

If my experience with women has taught me anything,

it's that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.

[Jimbuna]

It is estimated that it has cost the British taxpayer £2.3 million to pay for the Pope's visit.

They obviously never heard of Ryanair, return tickets from Rome start at £48.

[BossMark]

I came home from work unexpectedly to find my big booty wife in bed with a load of black rappers.

"Jesus," I said. "How many Mars bars have you eaten?"

[BossMark]

Leeds United
Newcastle United
England cricket team
England football team (when the world cup starts)

[Jimbuna]

My depressed local shopkeeper caught me trying to sneak out bottles of whisky and gin without paying.

I was only trying to lift his spirits

[BossMark]

The Russian ship took rich tourists to Antarctica. Their ship got iced in, but the rich were rescued.

Then the Chinese came to rescue the Russians. And they got iced in.

Now the Americans are coming to rescue the Chinese.

Does anyone see a pattern here?

[Jimbuna]

Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket.

It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.

[BossMark]

I'm not worried about the plane loads of Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants coming to England to claim benefits.

It's the plane from Australia with people on that claim they can play cricket I'm more concerned about.

[Tango589]

My wife came into the kitchen, bent over the table and said she wanted something between a smack and a stroke I went for a smoke.

[Jimbuna]

I grew up under the impression my dad didn't like me very much! cause he didn't do much with me.

He took me fishing once.............and I remember swimming back to shore thinking.......he doesn't like me very much.

He also took me for a game of golf once.............and I remember swimming back to shore thinking.......

Golfs a lot like fishing!

[Jimbuna]

A visiting sheikh from the Middle East is at a party in London.
The food makes him thirsty and he sends his private aid to collect water several times.
He demands water for the third time but the aid comes back without water.
The sheikh demands to know why.
The aid explained, "Another guest is sitting on the waterhole."

[BossMark]

The 1980's band, 'Bros' are releasing a song in support of Alzheimer's.

All proceeds from 'When Was I Famous?" will go to charity.

[Jimbuna]

I'd been dating her for 8 years, everything was going perfect, we both lived happy, healthy lives.

But then something very bad happened.

We got married.

[BossMark]

First Schumacher, now Merkel.

The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.


(http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/german/first-schumacher-now-merkel-the-germans-havent-been-this-unlucky-1543185#)

[Jimbuna]

^ Now that was funny :)

[BossMark]

I'm no expert about the upcoming Winter Olympics, but I wouldn't be backing any German skiers.

[Jimbuna]

Bloody cricket! All this way to see this load of crap. Can't wait to get home to see how my beloved Manchester United are getting on.

[BossMark]

I was listening to the German version of Jack and Jill today.

It's called Mike and Merk

[Jimbuna]

We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days.

It's almost like he's given us up, and let us down.

[Jimbuna]

I don't like to label myself as 'unemployed'.

I like to think of myself as a highly trained back-up in case the entire Royal Family dies.

[Jimbuna]

The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory in battles if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

[BossMark]

I can't believe people used to think the Earth was flat.

Morons. There's hills on it and everything.

[Jimbuna]

Temperatures have dropped to an all time low in parts of America, even causing the water in toilets to freeze.

It's the only time in history where taking a crap can break the ice.

[BossMark]

Last year, T-Mobile's customer service department had the least complaints of all the major phone companies.

Probably because nobody's ever got enough bloody signal to ring them.

[Jimbuna]

According to news reports, the town of Hell, Michigan has been seriously affected by the near arctic conditions that currently have a hold of the United States.

So... to all the women who have ever turned me down, Hell finally has frozen over. Form an orderly queue ladies.

[BossMark]

My wife went to join the army today.

They said they would get back to her, after they'd checked The Geneva Conventions.

[Jimbuna]

America is going to launch nuclear weapons at North Korea.

Just as soon as I hack into the Pentagon mainframe...

[Admiral Halsey]

A man is at a bar when he sees a pretty woman standing at the counter. He walks over to her and asks if she would sleep with him for two million dollars. The woman thinks it over and says yes but she doesn't think he has that kind of money. The man then asks if she would sleep with him for one million dollars. The woman again says yes but she doesn't think he has that kind of money. The man then asks if she would sleep with him for twelve dollars. The woman is aghast and says. "Why sir what kind of woman do you take me for?" The man says. "Madam my first question established what kind of woman you are. Now we are just haggling over price."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News : "Fan breaches and breaks into England Room"

...And after a swift negotiation, is signed as the team's new striker.

[BossMark]

I can always tell when I've had too much to drink at the pub because I start dropping things.

Like my standards.

[Jimbuna]

My wife stormed out of the house and shouted at me, "You'll never find another one like me."

"Yes I will," I replied, "there are plenty more whales in the sea."

[Sailor Steve]

...
Very old joke, often attributed to George Bernard Shaw, Mark Twain, Groucho Marx and Winston Churchill. :sunny:

[Admiral Halsey]

Very old joke, often attributed to George Bernard Shaw, Mark Twain, Groucho Marx and Winston Churchill. :sunny:

Doesn't matter how old it is as long as it's a good one.

[Sailor Steve]

Doesn't matter how old it is as long as it's a good one.
We are in agreement. It just jumped off the page at me and I thought I'd give credit where credit's due. :sunny:

[Admiral Halsey]

Just saw the worst pun joke on twitter and had to share it.


she said I knew her from vegetarian club, but i've never met herbivore.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that:
a) weird
b) annoying
c) unfair

[BossMark]

Got a letter from Talk Talk saying my balance is outstanding. They obviously haven't seen me pissed on a Friday night.

[Jimbuna]

Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.

"Your phone just went," said my wife.

"It's only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there."

She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers."

"Watch the road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."

[BossMark]

I leaned over and caressed my wife suggestively.

"Not tonight, I've had a long day," she said.

I wish I'd never married the bitch this afternoon.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Let me tell you what makes me chuck up.

A dartboard on the ceiling.

[Jimbuna]

Have you had a trip or fall at home or the workplace? .been involved in a car crash .?

If the answer is yes ...then sort your self out you clumsy bugga.!!

[BossMark]

God is definitely a woman.

Otherwise tits would have beer in them.

[Jimbuna]

I love exaggerating how difficult cooking is.

I make a right meal out of it.

[BossMark]

Simon Cowell says he will name his child after himself.
Seems a bit harsh to call a baby 'Bigheaded Tosspot'

[Jimbuna]

I've just seen the warning label on my hot water bottle which read: "Warning: Do not use boiling water." My bed has never been so cold.

[BossMark]

I can home from work after a very stressful day, and asked my wife for sex tonight.

She said, "If you wash the dishes, I'm all yours."

"So that's a no then."

[Jimbuna]

A manager and two members of his staff, an engineer and a programmer, are in a car. Its brakes fail, and it nearly goes out of control. Fortunately, they are able to stop it without causing an accident. They all get out, and the engineer says "I'll repair the brakes." The manager says "No, I'll organise a committee, arrange meetings, hold an inquest and, through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." Then the programmer says "I think the best way is to drive back to just before the spot where the brakes failed, and then go along the same route to see if the fault happens again."

[Armistead]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about a computer virus which fills your internet history with hundreds of pornographic websites, then plants a folder somewhere on your hard drive containing over 5Gb of carefully-catalogued explicit images and videos?

If you have, please could you tell my wife that one definitely exists?

[BossMark]

My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me, "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."

[Jimbuna]

I once bought my wife one of those mood rings.

Although it was known as a wedding ring back then.

[BossMark]

"You always come home from work in a bad mood." said the missus, "I can't remember the last time you walked through that door with a smile on your face."

"Of course you can't." I grumbled, "You weren't bloody living here."

[Jimbuna]

I was in a pub when a woman stormed in and slammed a meal in front of one of the punters.

"There's your tea, you might as well have it in here." She yelled.

"Did you see that, that was disgusting, " said my mate.

"Sure was I replied," that meat looked undercooked to me, and she didn't get him a drink."

[BossMark]

My wife came home from work and asked what I've been doing all day, so I told her I was cleaning.

It's better than saying I spent the day pissing a skid mark off the toilet.

[Jimbuna]

I hate it when a player gets a kick and starts rolling about the floor as if he's been shot.

Snooker is not like it used to be.

[BossMark]

There's an old saying, 'Don't ask, don't get.'

I said to the wife, "Can we have sex?"

There's a new saying, 'Ask, don't get.'

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "I think after thirty years of marriage it's time we considered separate beds."

"I agree, in fact I would go further,"

"What?" She replied, "separate rooms?"

"No" I replied, "countries."

[Wolferz]

I'm going to start a new business called Resolutions.
The first two months of the year it will be a fitness club. The rest of the year a bar.

[GoldenRivet]

A Cherokee Indian boy approaches his father, the chief of the tribe one day and sits next to him looking out into the sun setting over a canyon in the desert southwest

"Father, when the names our people are given... how are such names chosen?" the son asks

"My son, on the day one of our people are called from the spirit world and born into this land by their mother, the father goes on a spirit walk; when he is awakened the next morning, he rises to his feet, and looks out across the morning landscape, the first thing he sees, this is the name of his child...

... This is how your brother came to be known as Soaring Eagle, and how your sister came to be known as Running Deer...





.... Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

[fireftr18]

I'm going to start a new business called Resolutions.
The first two months of the year it will be a fitness club. The rest of the year a bar.

I'll gladly join your fitness bar, errr, club. :()1:

[Jimbuna]

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a crap."

[Jimbuna]

My wife left me because of my obsession with Beatles songs. But that was yesterday, after a hard days night, but I think we can work it out.

[BossMark]

In a pub quiz a question was, "Who was the last royal to be executed."

Apparently, "Diana" wasn't the correct answer.

[Jimbuna]

Saw a fat girl sitting on her own crying. I said, Wow your fat,she replied "Tell me something I don't know! So I said, "Salad tastes nice!"

[BossMark]

The jury have been hearing of some of the shocking things that Dave Lee Travis used to get up to.

Like playing the Bay city rollers and Abba records on the radio.

[Jimbuna]

An absolute scandal unfolded on the Jeremy Kyle show.

One of the guests was slim, attractive and articulate.

[BossMark]

Give a man a fish and he can feed himself for a day.

Give a man a fishing rod and a six-pack and he can earn a fortune as a Paul Gascoigne look-alike.

[Jimbuna]

I hate it when my Scouse girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas.

I don't know if she's going to bed or going shopping.

[BossMark]

My wife's dying wish was to be buried next to her parents in the local church cemetery.

I just cremated her though, it was much cheaper and it felt great having the final say for the first time.

[Jimbuna]

Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.

Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.

[BossMark]

I was in the pub last night when this absolute stunner came over, put her hand on my arm and leaned in close so her breasts pushed against me.

"I want your babies" she whispered in my ear.

I was astonished. I mean firstly I don't have any kids and what kind of father would I be if I just offered them up to a total stranger?

[Jimbuna]

Looking at the nominations for sports personality of the year makes you realise just how much the British have dominated the world of sport in the last twelve months.

But who will win, the jump jockey or the darts player?

[BossMark]

A fatal accident happened outside my house last night when a motorbike crashed into a tree.

I've just read a few messages that have been left on some flowers at the scene.

'RIP Jimmy, my dear brother x'

'RIP Smithy, my best friend x'

'RIP James, my beautiful husband x'

No wonder the motorbike crashed, how many bloody people were on it?

[Jimbuna]

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.

Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

[BossMark]

While visiting ancient Aztec ruins, I saw a building where thousands of men had been sent to their doom in a bizarre religious ceremony.

I was surprised that they were allowed to build a wedding chapel so close to ancient ruins.

[Jimbuna]

I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night.


Ended up skipping dinner.

[BossMark]

I witnessed a horrific rape in Newcastle. The victim was cornered and held down by 5 predators who each took turns gratifying themselves whilst the others shouted encouragement.

After about an hour the girls got bored and the poor lad was able to escape.

[Jimbuna]

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday.She said she wanted something that turns heads.

Why would anyone want another neck?

[Herr-Berbunch]

Somebody's nicked my copy of MS Office.

I'll track you down, I promise - you have my WORD!

[Jimbuna]

My wife planted some seeds in the garden a while back and just recently they've pushed through the soil.

She said to me today, "What do you think they are?"

I replied, "I don't know, but they've definitely grown hyacinth we last looked at them."

[BossMark]

"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work.

"Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco."

"Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife.

"No, I was standing on it."

[Jimbuna]

I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today, "It was only last week that I had it all", he said "A chef to cook my food, cleaners doing my cleaning and washing my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head".

"What happened?" I replied "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

"No, I was let out of prison."

[BossMark]

The Catholic church have admitted that Pope Benedict de frocked 400 priests in the name of child abuse.


Wasn't removing peoples clothes part of the problem in the first place ?

[Jimbuna]

I've just spent the past week constantly arguing with my wife, but I can't complain.

It was just like being on holiday, only I've managed to save £2000.

[Jimbuna]

I saw what you did :)

[BossMark]

A four year old girl has shot and killed her four year old cousin in America. The NRA have said this tragedy could have been avoided if the victim had been allowed her own gun and was given the chance to defend herself.

[Jimbuna]

A fat middle-aged woman and her beautiful 18 year-old daughter enter the doctor's surgery.

The doctor says to the daughter, "Okay, get undressed."
The woman says, "Oi, it's me that's come to see you!"
Doctor, "Alright, stick your tongue out and say ahh."

[BossMark]

Off to the pictures with my wife tonight to see, 'Twelve Years A Slave'. It has got me out of a spot of bother with her as it reminded me it was our twelfth wedding anniversary.

[Jimbuna]

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

[Tango589]

Can you say 'whale oil beef hooked' without sounding like an Irishman swearing?

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: South Korea vows air strike response.

They do this nearly every month in France too, it never solves anything.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Everyone is worried about Man Utd's current form - they don't want Moyes to get sacked.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was laughing with some friends,

"He doesn't need rohypnol to have sex with me," she giggled,

"Yes I do," I replied, "and I would probably have it with a drink."

[Herr-Berbunch]

You can say what you want about Lord McAlpine . . .

. . . He won't be suing anyone now.

[Jimbuna]

I used to have an attitude problem,

But I divorced her about a year ago.

[TarJak]

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

[magic452]

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Do you know that really happened?

United Airlines, sometime in the seventies. :know:
Was called "Take me along too." and the feed back was amazing, a lot of upset wives. :o :/\\!!


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Do you know that really happened?

United Airlines, sometime in the seventies. :know:
Was called "Take me along too." and the feed back was amazing, a lot of upset wives. :o :/\\!!


Magic

No I didn't but I'm not surprised at the outcome :)

[Jimbuna]

Guinness Records 2009 (Womens Edition)

CAR PARKING
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2in), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins,driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

INCORRECT DRIVING
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km (313mile) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn(GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

[BossMark]

As my wife lay on her deathbed she whispered in my ear,

"Death is not the end you know."

I think she was just trying to wind me up one last time.

[Jimbuna]

My mate is so gullible that I convinced him that eating shellfish regularly would make him immune to cancer.

One prawn every minute.

[BossMark]

Some French politician claims that Paris is better than London which is why it gets more foreign visitors. Bollocks!
The reason Paris gets more visitors is because it's much easier to get to. Just ask the Germans.

[Jimbuna]

BBC News.
David Beckham to appear in Only Fools and Horses, he is reported saying he is looking forward to playing the intellectual genius Trigger.

[swamprat69er]

BBC News.
David Beckham to appear in Only Fools and Horses, he is reported saying he is looking forward to playing the intellectual genius Trigger.


https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR1I5SYbHdtniXxMVSVRVjXZ9Huvos2E hb1dQxcGuP3gKTaIybbLQ

[BossMark]

The makers of the Jeremy Kyle show come have up with a plan to treble their daily viewing figures.

They are going to move it to an afternoon slot when a lot more of their audience will be out of bed.

[Jimbuna]

Promised my parents a trip to Prague for their anniversary, but backed out when I saw how much it was. Moral of the story - Always Czech the price.

[Wolferz]

A young couple on their honeymoon had just settled into their hotel room for the night when the groom suggested that his bride try on his pants without the aid of a belt. No matter how she tried, the pants always fell to her ankles.
She tells her new husband; " Honey, there is no way that I can wear these."
The groom replies; "Best you remember that fact woman."

The new bride removed her underwear and said; "Here, try these on."
But no matter how hard he pulled, he couldn't get them past his knees.
"Honey, I can't get into your panties" he finally exclaimed.

The bride then gave him the stink eye and said; "Best you remember that if you ever speak to me that way again!"

[Jimbuna]

After UKIP leader Nigel Farage was assaulted earlier, there was public uproar that the bloke who did it gets what he deserves.

An MBE.

[Wolferz]

After UKIP leader Nigel Farage was assaulted earlier, there was public uproar that the bloke who did it gets what he deserves.

An MBE.



Member of the Order of the British Empire MBE Minority Business Enterprise MBE Mail Boxes Etc. MBE Molecular Beam Epitaxy MBE Multistate Bar Examination MBE Management By Exception MBE Model-Based Engineering MBE Multi-Band Excitation MBE Managing Basic Education MBE Mourning Becomes Electra (trilogy of plays by Eugene O'Neill) MBE Master of Business Education MBE Master in Business Economics MBE Midwest Business Exchange MBE Multi-Byte Extension MBE Mennonite Board of Education MBE Multi-Breed Evaluation MBE Modified Booth Encoding MBE Multi-Band Emitter MBE My Bloody Efforts MBE Master in Biomedical Engineering (various universities) MBE Master of Bioscience Enterprise MBE Module-Based Event MBE Minimum Block Encoder MBE Modular Binary Exponentiation MBE Middlesboro Board of Education (Middlesboro, KY) MBE Master of Business Engineering (degree; various universities)


which MBE are you alluding too?:03::D

[Herr-Berbunch]

Number one. :smug:

[Tango589]

which MBE are you alluding too?:03::D
No-one likes a smart arse.:O:

[Jimbuna]

I was looking through the menu at a French restaurant last night when I saw the special was stuffed escargots. I said to the waiter, "What are they stuffed with?"

"Salad." He replied.

"Really?" I asked.

He said, "Yes, they ate it all."

[Wolferz]

No-one likes a smart arse.:O:

I do. So that makes you....
Wrong!:03::D

[Tango589]

I do. So that makes you....
Wrong!:03::D
Damn.:nope:

[Tango589]

Education for women


Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

[Jimbuna]

I went for a job interview with British Rail today and the manager said, "Can you explain why you are 2 hours late?"

I replied, "Sorry about that, but there was a leaf on my driveway."

[BossMark]

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

[BossMark]

I bet the help line staff at the Samaritans are pissed off with Manchester.
Having to deal with Hayley's and Utd's exit in the space of few days.

[Jimbuna]

I walked up to a bloke in the pub last night and said, "My wife is due to give birth any day now."

"That's great." he smiled, "What are you having?"

I said, "A pint of Guinness."

[BossMark]

A Billionaire business man from Hong Kong who offered 40 million pounds to anyone who could '"turn" his lesbian daughter straight has doubled the offer after 20,000 men failed.

I'm sure Jo Brand could "turn" her no problem.

[Jimbuna]

I ordered a small Cappuccino in Starbucks this morning and gave the cashier a £50 note.

"Is this all you've got?" she asked.

"I'm afraid so." I replied, "Is that a problem?"

"Of course it's a problem," she said, "You're 65p short."

[BossMark]

I'm starting to think Justin Bieber may actually want to go to prison,
Can't think why though...

[swamprat69er]

I think that he should really think hard about what he is doing to his body, before he gets himself into some trouble that his money can't get him out of.

Think about it; investigated in California and coke found in his house, which I think someone else is taking the rap for, now drag racing drunk and high in Florida? He is going the way of LL.

IF he was such a good Christian as he claims would he be doing all this?
I think not.

[Wolferz]

I'm starting to think Justin Bieber may actually want to go to prison,
Can't think why though...
Considering that he's hanging out with rappers...
He's looking for street cred.:nope: All he needs now is to get shot.
If Selena Gomez has any brains, she'll distance herself from this loser ASAP. Like other side of the planet distance.

The Biebs must be gay or sumthin.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a vegetarian restaurant last night and when I'd finished the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice," I replied. "My compliments to the gardener."

[BossMark]

I always thought stories of prison rape were vulgar, harsh and distressing. Then, when I heard of Justin Beiber's arrest, I found myself smiling at the concept.

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I decided to go on a second honeymoon to try and rekindle our passion.

It was very similar to the first one, you should've heard the sobbing and refusing to come out the bathroom.

Then I thought, "I suppose I have to go out there and face her."

[Herr-Berbunch]

Went to Barclay's Bank this morning and the lead singer from Heart was working there. The first question she asked was "how can I get you a loan?"

[Admiral Lutjens]

A horse walks into a bar....and the bartender says: "Why the long face?"

http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/bcYppAs6ZdI/hqdefault.jpg

[Jimbuna]

After hearing Tesco and Asda are to start selling genetically modified purple tomatoes from Canada, Lidl are said to be sourcing their own range -

From Chernobyl.

[Sailor Steve]

I think that he should really think hard about what he is doing to his body, before he gets himself into some trouble that his money can't get him out of.

Think about it; investigated in California and coke found in his house, which I think someone else is taking the rap for, now drag racing drunk and high in Florida? He is going the way of LL.

IF he was such a good Christian as he claims would he be doing all this?
I think not.
I don't get it. Did I miss the punch line?

[BossMark]

I've just looked through the television guide and there's nothing much on tonight.

I think I'll ask the wife if she fancies an early headache.

[Jimbuna]

Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.

Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

[BossMark]

Earlier, my wife choked to death on a chicken McNugget.

I always wondered why they called it a 'Happy Meal'.

[TarJak]

Bruce decides to go back home to Sydney so he calls Qantas to book his flight. The operator asks him, ‘How many people are flying with you?’ Bruce replies, ‘Strewth mate, how would I know? It’s your plane.

[BossMark]

My wife said, "We've been married nearly 20 years now. Wouldn't you like to go on a second honeymoon?"

I said, "That's a great idea."

So I divorced her and married my girlfriend.

[Jimbuna]

"I won't be coming in today," I said to my boss, "My doctor says I suffer from selective hearing."

"That's not even a medical condition you idiot," he replied, "You better get your backside here immediately or else."

"Thank you so much for understanding. See you tomorrow then!"

[BossMark]

If Justin Bieber really cared about his fans he would admit to being gay before he goes to prison.

It would make them happy to know that he's having fun.

[Jimbuna]

I was watching Man City and someone knocked a pie out of my hands. Luckily, I managed to go down and catch it with one hand before it hit the ground. I got a standing ovation by the lads around me for my quick thinking and agility.

A week later, I'm in an advert for Head & Shoulders and playing in goal for England.

[BossMark]

I had sex with my young, blonde secretary, and made her promise to keep it a secret. A lot of good that did.

I told everyone myself.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Scottish petrol pump attendant?

Phil McCann.

[BossMark]

I was walking through the park the other day and this guy staggers out of the lake carrying a set of golf clubs. I was so surprised, I yelled "What the hell happened?"
Guy says "I just went out of control and drove off of that bridge and landed in he lake!!" He handed me his clubs and says "Here, hold on to these, I have to go back for my wife!"