The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Having a nightmare in my print shop today. Woman wants a picture of Bob Marley photo-copying but it just keeps jammin'

[BossMark]

I used to be in a band called Gig Cancelled.

We didn't get big crowds.

[BossMark]

Goal line technology is set to be used in the England, Scotland match on Wednesday, but not by officials.

The police will be using it in a bid to avoid a repeat of 1977's match.

[Jimbuna]

"Every day," I said to my mate. "people just come up to me and give me stuff. Pens, watches, phones. I don't mind, I just go and sell it all at Cash Converters."

"That's amazing," he said. "Why do they do that?"

"They've got no choice," I said. "I'm the new Desk Sergeant at the nick."

[BossMark]

Need to nip to Millets this afternoon, buy myself a nice, sturdy pair of walking shoes.


The wife's just passed her test.

[Jimbuna]

Siamese twins are like buses.

You don't see one all day, then two come along at once.

[BossMark]

I went to my first AA meeting last night and on the door was a sign that said:

"This area is alcohol free".

"Great!" I thought. "Free alcohol. I'm going to fit right in."

[Jimbuna]

I'm never using Ryanair again.

Remember how they used to ask you to be at the airport at least an hour and a half before departure?

Now, to avoid delays, they are recommending that you drive to your destination.

[BossMark]

Every time I take my wife out for a drink I get that pissed end up leaving something behind in the pub.

The other week it was my mobile phone, last night it was a bit more serious.

I pulled up outside my house in taxi this morning and my wife was waiting on the porch, "Where the bloody hell have you been all night?" She screamed.

[Jimbuna]

My wife insisted that I should go and buy a lottery ticket.

But I think I won't - the chances of me being attacked by a shark on the way, are higher than me winning it.

[BossMark]

My wife is recovering in the hospital after someone mistook her for a wild boar and shot her.
Easy mistake as she was eating an apple at the time.

[Jimbuna]

My documentary series on Windmills has been so successful that they have just commissioned a spin off.

[BossMark]

The most shocking Jeremy Kyle episode ever has just aired.

The DNA test revealed the guest to be human.

[Jimbuna]

Luke skywalkers birth was a difficult one. The doctors had to use the forceps.

[BossMark]

I was sat in the pub with my wife when I overheard a bunch of lads slagging her off so I went over to confront them.

"Excuse me do you want to say that any louder, you're going to upset my wife", I said.

"And what are you going do if we do", they replied threateningly.

"I'll join you for a pint after she storms home crying, I said".

[Jimbuna]

They've got this brand new machine at the gym; I only used it for an hour because it made me feel sick, but it's great!

It's got Mars Bars, KitKats, everything!

[BossMark]

There are three things I really want to do this summer, but they are Sisters so it's going to be tricky.

[Jimbuna]

As I walked into a restaurant last night, the manager shook my hand and said, "Let me take you to your seat."

"Nice one." I replied, jumping onto his back, "My feet are killing me."

[BossMark]

I haven't seen or heard anything about David Blaine in years.

This has got to be his best trick ever.

[Jimbuna]

I was the victim of a surprise attack last night by a woman with a knife.

I couldn't believe it, I assumed she was just gonna make me a sandwich.

[BossMark]

When my girlfriend moved out the first thing I did was change all the locks.

We lived on a house-boat and the canal authorities went bloody mental.

[Jimbuna]

"What happened?" asked the paramedic, as my wife lay on the kitchen floor.

I said, "She was just about to cook me some breakfast when suddenly she collapsed."

"She's in a bad way," he replied, "There's a chance that she may not make it."

"Aw great," I said, "I'll have to go to the cafe then."

[BossMark]

Christopher Columbus discovered a new world when he got lost.......

so no, i will not stop and ask for directions!

[Jimbuna]

I'm very good at making quick decisions and always put on the first thing I see when I open my wardrobe in the morning.

That's why today I'm wearing three coat hangers and a pillowcase.

[BossMark]

My mate just told me he's put a hundred quid on England repeating their 9-3 victory against Scotland in 1961.

"You've got no chance of that happening," I replied "Scotland scoring three goals?"

[Jimbuna]

I sat at the table with a box of tablets in front of me and told my wife that I was a failure and that I was going to end it all.

"Things aren't that bad, seek some help, don't wind your iPad business up just yet," she said.

[BossMark]

My 5 year old son asked me to tell him a scary bed time story.

I told him how I met his mother.

[Jimbuna]

My young son was terrified there was a monster under his bed, so I sat him down to reassure him.

"Timmy, the monster under your bed has gone now and he'll never bother you again."

"Really? Are you sure, Daddy?"

"Yes, son," I replied. "He's been eaten by the clown in the attic"

Seems to have worked, he's gone really quiet.

[BossMark]

My wife went out to walk the dog a few days ago and went missing.

I've stuck posters up on every tree and lamppost in my local area, but no luck.

I don't think I'll ever see Rover again.

[Jimbuna]

A Scottish guy came up to me in Victoria Station and asked me a question today.

I hope he's is going to Wembley because I couldn't understand a word he said so I directed him to Wembley.

[BossMark]

My wife was moaning that we never have any serious conversation and also that I a one track mind.

So I asked her "what are your views on fracking?" , " shut up switch the light off and go to sleep" was her reply.

[Jimbuna]

I've just been ripped off by a local pet shop. I spent a fortune on a cat I was told could speak fluent Chinese.


But when I got it home, it just had a General Miaow.

[BossMark]

i was walking down the road today and seen a poster on a lamppost saying have you seen this person so i rang the number up and said....no

now i might be many things but i aint no grass

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I can impress you, will you give me a free beer?" The bartender agrees, and the man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a hamster. He taps the table, and the hamster starts to sing. The bartender is amazed and gives the guy a free beer, which he promptly drains. Once again, he asks the bartender, "If I can impress you, will you give me a free beer?" The bartender, who quite enjoyed the hamster's show, agrees. The man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a frog, which he puts down next to the hamster. Once again, he taps the table, and the frog starts to sing. Astounded, the bartender gives him another free beer.
A man in a suit, who has been watching the entire time, walks over and offers the man £2,000 for the frog, and the man agrees. As the suited man walks away with his new frog, the bartender exclaims, "Are you crazy?! Do you realise the money you could have made from that frog?!" The man leans over and quietly asks, "Can you keep a secret?" He leans closer, and whispers, "The frog can't sing, the hamster's a ventriloquist."

[BossMark]

My wife called me whilst I was at the shops today.

She said, "Can you buy the baby some new clothes in 3-6 months?"

"Sure," I replied, "Just remind me nearer the time."

[Jimbuna]

When I first met my wife she had a tattoo of a butterfly on her stomach.

Now 20 years later it looks like it's rolled itself back into a cocoon.

[BossMark]

My son made a 'World's Greatest Father' cup in school today.

I don't know why, the silly sod doesn't have kids!

[BossMark]

A ship carrying a large consignment of shampoo, cosmetic products and 12 models on assignment crashes at sea. The models and captain are washed up on a remote desert island along with the cargo.

A few days pass, the captain builds the girls a shelter and they survive off of food he has hunted and fruits he has gathered. After a few more days they realise that rescue is unlikely and they begin to accept that nature might take its course. Several years pass.

One day a helicopter is heard overhead, the girls start a fire and they are located! A boat arrives and they all board. As the boat leaves the island, the captain suddenly breaks down in tears.

"What's wrong?", says one of the rescuers. "Is it the emotion of going home and being reunited with your friends and family?"

"No", he answers. "It's just that the girls finished off the last of the shampoo yesterday. This evening would have been the first night they weren't washing their hair".

[Jimbuna]

Whoever said, "You shouldn't judge a book by it's cover."

Has obviously never heard of Playboy.

[Jimbuna]

All my friends are talking about going out drinking as soon as they get their A-level results.

Not me though, im just going to drive straight home...fast...on the wrong side of the road.

[BossMark]

After last nights game between England and Scotland, 10,000 beer cans were left in Trafalgar Square by Scottish football fans.

Both of them have been arrested.

[Jimbuna]

If I had a quid for every time somebody told me to grow up, I could build an awesome tree house.

[BossMark]

I shouted upstairs to my wife, "Your Mother's at the front door."

She shouted back, "Well don't just leave her stood there."

So I opened the door and handed her a stool.

[Jimbuna]

After coming off the phone clearly looking distressed, my colleague asked what was up.

"It's my wife" I said.

"Oh god, not bad news is it?" He asked.

"Definitely" I replied. "She was reminding me it's our wedding anniversary and she's managed to get rid of the kids for the night."

[BossMark]

After giving me a reading yesterday, I asked the psychic why she didn't predict the lottery numbers.

"Well, that would be unethical" she replied. "We don't do this for financial gain."

"Fair enough" I said, "just thought I'd ask."

"No problems" she smiled. "That will be thirty pound please."

[Jimbuna]

My first marriage was like an Italian car.

My friends all thought it looked fantastic but it started falling to pieces in less than a year.

[BossMark]

I tried one of those goal celebrations today, where you run like **** and then slide on your knees.

However I didn't anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife's coffin.

[Jimbuna]

I got two teeth pulled out today.

Weirdest prostate exam ever.

[BossMark]

I'm one of them cool guys that always turns up late to a party.

Got invited to one today.

The invitation said '8 sharp!'

Can't wait till I see their faces when I swan in at 10 o'clock.

This boat party won't know what hit it.

[BossMark]

This gorgeous woman at work with incredible legs, arse and tits keeps asking if I have a girlfriend.

Shame. With a memory like that she must be mentally retarded.

[Jimbuna]

I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C.

I'm on the highway to Hull!

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting in the kitchen this morning when my wife stormed down in a rage.

She yelled, "What did I tell you about the toilet seat?"

I said, "To leave it down."

She shouted, "Then why did you leave it up?"

"If I didn't, you would've went back to bed instead of coming down here to yell at me," I replied. "Now get my breakfast on!"

[BossMark]

My mate suggested that I should buy myself a slow cooker.

"They're the best," he said confidently, "All you have to do is put your dinner in it before you go to work, turn it on and when you come home it's done."

Yeah right!

The plastic from my pot noodle has totally melted.

[Jimbuna]

I was attending my first meeting of the year.

"My name's Andy. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, I'm Carol and I'm an alcoholic."

"I'm Tommy, I'm an alcoholic ... "

"Hello, I'm Mikie ... I'm an alcoholic."

From that first Assembly I began to have the uncomfortable feeling that Toxteth Primary School probably wouldn't suit our kids.

[Jimbuna]

I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."

[BossMark]

My mate once told me if you lick the skin of certain frogs it can have an hallucinogenic effect.

Didn't work for me though, I just ended up getting arrested.

Funny lot, the French.

[Jimbuna]

The man who made the Super Size Me Documentary, Morgan Spurlock, has made the One Direction film.

I see he's still making films about things that make you sick.

[BossMark]

I've just paid over the odds for a Sky Bundle.

Or, as Ryanair like to put it, a flight.

[Jimbuna]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[BossMark]

Arsene Wenger didn't look too disappointed to have lost to Aston Villa today.

He had Benteke in his fantasy team.

[Jimbuna]

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don't kill everyone.

[BossMark]

My wife came into the living room and said, "OK everybody, dinner is ready. Erm.. Where's my mother?

"You told me to make her feel at home." I replied

"So?"

"So I put her on a bus back to hers."

[Jimbuna]

I forced my sick boss to come back to work today.

I love being an assessor at ATOS.

[BossMark]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 12 years and now she keeps mentioning the 'm' word.

But there's no bloody way I'm going to meet her mother.

[Jimbuna]

I've got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed. He's missing an eye.

I've called him Alen.

[BossMark]

"It's going to be one of those days", I thought, as I stared at the calender.

[Jimbuna]

I saw my wife punch herself in the eye.

"What did you do that for?", I asked

"I'm going to tell people YOU hit me" she replied.

Two can play at that game, I thought...

So I punched her in the other eye.

[BossMark]

My wife said, "While I'm at work can you spend half an hour doing the ironing?"

"I bet it doesn't take up half an hour," I replied.

"Ah!" she grinned. "Speedy Gonzales eh?"

"That's not what I meant," I said, turning the telly on.

[Jimbuna]

I didn't get the IT job as apparently I'm not 'Tech savvy'. I'm so annoyed, I'm getting my friend to send them an angry fax email thingy.

[BossMark]

How come PE is the only subject at school that doesn't require an exercise book?

[Jimbuna]

I've just watched The Artist on DVD.

Good movie, terrible commentary track.

[BossMark]

I went to the cash machine today and selected to check my balance. It asked, Would you like to see your balance displayed on the screen?

No, I want a plane to fly over with it printed on a big bloody banner.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the underwear section of a high street shop yesterday when the assistant came over.

"Can I help you, sir?" She asked.

"It's a bit embarrassing really" I said. "I'm looking for something for my wife."

"And you're not sure about the size?"

"Oh I'm sure about the size" I replied. "That's the bloody problem."

[BossMark]

A woman with a clip board knocked my door this morning and asked if I would be interested in a stair lift.

"Are you people thick or something?" I asked.

"Now there's no need to stereotype, Sir, just because I'm blonde."

I said, "I'm not stereotyping anybody you daft cow, this is a bloody bungalow."

[Jimbuna]

I bought a boat without my wife's permission today.

I've already named it.

The "For Sale" is absolutely beautiful.

[BossMark]

Stephen Fry is getting really pissed off about the state of gay rights laws in Russia when they host the Winter Olympics.

I'd like to see his reaction when he finds out the Football World Cup is going to be in Qatar.

[Jimbuna]

I got lost in Liverpool using the satnav.

Knew I shouldn't have selected the female scouse voice option.

[BossMark]

I hadn't seen my wife in ten years, so I tried to have her declared legally dead, but they told me to piss off, and take my guide dog with me.

[Jimbuna]

'People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.'

Or do anything which involves getting naked.

[BossMark]

I've got to stop drinking so much.

Last night I went to a bondage club and met 2 beautiful blonde sisters who said they were savages.

Next morning in the cold light of day I realised they had meant Lily and Robbie.

[Jimbuna]

Did you know that Chiropractor Monthly is the most grammatically sound of all trade journals. Because they correct back issues.

[BossMark]

Me and my wife were in a posh club with a big group of friends.

"Come on love," I said. "Let's get up and dance."

"You never dance!" she said.

"I do when I'm with 16 people and it's my round."

[Jimbuna]

Some random bloke came up to me today and said that I looked like Spock from Star Trek.


Couldn't believe my ears.

[BossMark]

Arsene Wenger says he will spend money but he's just looking for the right player.

That wont please the fans as they also need a left player, a goalkeeper, striker, and a couple of centre backs.

[Jimbuna]

I was going to start selling Piggy Banks on Ebay, but decided there will just not be enough money in it for me.

[BossMark]

I mugged a French mime artist today.

He attempted to run away, but after 2 minutes of running on the spot, he gave up and surrendered.

[Jimbuna]

I've decided to be a more positive person and say 'yes' more.

I've had my house double glazed 17 times this week.

[BossMark]

After watching Newcastle's performance tonight.. Loic Remy has decided to plead guilty to rape

[Jimbuna]

Every Football club has a certain craze.

Man City fans jump up and down backwards.

Wigan fans wave scarfs.

And Leeds fans dress up as plastic seats.

[BossMark]

"If I died tomorrow, would you get married again?" My wife asked.

" No," I replied, "My girlfriend would never leave her husband."

[Jimbuna]

"The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director. "That includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

[BossMark]

I went to a 'Anger Management' class today but it was a waste of time.

I didn't get any new ideas for ways to wind up my boss.

[Jimbuna]

I call the wife 'The Incredible Atom'.

She makes up everything.

[BossMark]

Every time I open a bottle of wine, I try and let it breathe.

But it never does.

So I immediately give it some mouth to mouth resuscitation.

[Jimbuna]

Despite getting A-Levels results of A,B,B,A, it seems no employer will take a chance on me.

[BossMark]

The wife came downstairs in her old school uniform last Saturday night.
"What are you up to?" I said.
"I'm going to that St Trinians fancy dress party I told you about," she said.
"Hold on, then," I said. "I'll get my Jimmy Savile outfit on. We'll make a night of it."

[Jimbuna]

"What's the sexiest thing a woman has ever said to you?" My mate asked.

"How did you get into my house?" I replied.

[BossMark]

I am trying to decide if the Peru girls are guilty or not. The blonde one is not bad looking and has big tits.

I think she may be innocent.

[Jimbuna]

I saw my friend today and he said, "I was sorry to hear that your wife had died, were you by her side when she passed away?"

"Yes I was," I replied, "but if the police ask, say I was with you."

[Jimbuna]

My wife was gaining a lot of weight, so I put her on a stable diet.

Hay mostly, and the occassional sugar cube.

[BossMark]

So, Affleck to replace Bale. This Football transfer window is getting a little out of hand.

[Jimbuna]

I've started up a self defence course, where the only weapons you're allowed to use are tea bags.

I call it Ty-Fu.

[BossMark]

If Venus and Serena Williams can claim to be women then, by God, Bradley Manning can too!

[Jimbuna]

In a strongly worded statement the UN warns Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, if you use Chemical weapons again, we will be forced to hold another meeting.

[BossMark]

My wife phoned me and said "I'm so excited, I just tried on my wedding dress and after 10 years it still fits."

"Of course it fits," I replied "You were 9 months pregnant when we were married."

[BossMark]

On my way home from a night shift I just seen two birds in a tree tweeting away

I was amazed - they were both blonde and managing to use smart phones

[Sailor Steve]

A golfer takes five minutes lining up his shot on the first tee. He turns to his friend and says "Sorry to take so long, but my wife is watching from the clubhouse balcony, and I want this shot to be perfect."

He friend shakes his head and says "Give it up! You'll never hit her from here!"

[BossMark]

Got chatted up by a large lady in the pub last night who asked, "So, what do you do?"

Responding with, "Not fat chicks!" was totally worth the drink in the face.

[Jimbuna]

This is to the anonymous person that keeps sending all that damn porn to my phone: Get a new phone with a better camera please!

[BossMark]

I had to sober up a bit before work this morning,

So I drank a few cans of Fosters.

[Jimbuna]

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, her husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

[BossMark]

I bumped into the tattooist who worked on Cheryl Cole's bottom and asked him how much it cost.

"I'm not telling you that," he said, before looking quickly around and whispering, "I had to take out a bank loan, but it was worth every penny."

[Jimbuna]

My Granddad won the 'national gurning competition' the other day.

The two Ecstasy tablets he took before hand done the trick.

[BossMark]

I've just finished walking from Land's End to John O'Groats.

It was either that or fly with Ryanair.

[Jimbuna]

If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe - just maybe - some mouse family now has a flat-screen TV.

[BossMark]

I'm so tired of the double standards. It's perfectly fine when my pregnant wife looks up images of breast feeding on the internet,

But when I do it.....

[Jimbuna]

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

[BossMark]

I think its fair to say Jamie Carragher brings the same to presenting football as Jimmy Saville did to care working

[Jimbuna]

When my parents divorced and dad got custody of me, my mum became very cold and distant.

She moved to Scotland.

[BossMark]

My dog did really well on his first visit to the park.

Although I had to walk him through it, every step of the way.

[Sailor Steve]

An old lady is rocking away her last years on her front porch, thinking about her long life, when her Fairy Godmother appears in front of her, and says she can have three wishes.

The old lady thinks for a minute and says "I think I would like to be really, really rich." Instantly her rocking chair turns into solid gold.

She smiles at this and says "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." Instantly she is twenty years old and strikingly beautiful.

"And for your third wish?" The Fairy Godmother asks.

Just then her cat wanders onto the porch. "Ooh!" she says, "Can you turn him into a handsome prince?" As soon as she speaks, there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could imagine. She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he strolls across the porch and whispers in her ear, "I bet now you're sorry you had me neutered!"

[BossMark]

I saw my friend this morning and he said, "I saw your wife the other day, she said you'd split up because of a breakdown of communication."

I replied, "What do you mean we've split up?"

[Jimbuna]

When I got up close to The Eiffel Tower, I realised how impressive it was.

It had just looked like a tacky souvenir from a distance.

[BossMark]

I noticed my toe poking out of my sock earlier, so I asked my blonde wife if she could sew up the hole for me.

Now I can't get the bloody thing on.

[Sailor Steve]

A man and a woman, complete strangers, find themselves in the same sleeping car on a train. After their initial embarrassment the both go to sleep, the woman in the top bunk and the man in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes up the man and says "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man looks at her with a glint in his eye and says "I've got a better idea. Just for tonight, why don't we pretend we're married?"

The woman thinks for a moment and giggles. "Sure, why not?"

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[BossMark]

My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said, "Do you think I pay people to do that?"

"Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking bloke in the world."

[Jimbuna]

My wife made me boiled egg and soldiers for my breakfast this morning. She said, "Is your egg cooked alright?"

I replied, "Not really. I think these soldiers are going to need artillery support to get into it."

[BossMark]

I got chatting to a blonde girl in a club last night and I said, "Do you want to come back to my place for coffee and unprotected sex?"

She replied, "bugger off! There's no way I'm going to drink coffee at this time of night."

[Jimbuna]

If there's one thing I learned growing up, it's that everyone has to pay for their own mistakes.

Except for the government.

Somehow you have to pay for theirs too.

[BossMark]

I got a call from my wife, in a stern voice she said "Dave, my friend just told me she saw you last week going into a block of flats with a leggy, busty blonde I'm trying to work out what the hell was going on there?"

I replied "No wonder you didn't get into the police force"

[Jimbuna]

The game of snooker ended when I put the white ball in the side pocket.

I don't know what I'm going to do with it, I just like nicking stuff.

[BossMark]

In Britain we used to drive on the left of the road.

Now we drive on what's left of the road.

[Jimbuna]

Saw a guy today wearing a hi-viz jacket and camouflage trousers.

I thought, make your bloody mind up.

[BossMark]

In the 70s, we had Morecambe and Wise, one of the greatest comedy acts the world has ever seen. last night we had Morecambe v Newcastle United .

[Jimbuna]

My new neighbour just sneezed, so by instinct and good manners i said bless you............ She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her.

[BossMark]

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

[TarJak]

Crocodile Dundee is completely unrealistic.

Dundee's climate is totally unsuitable for a crocodile.

[BossMark]

Talk about awkward

I just ran into a bloke begging for change on my way to the coinstar machine.

[Sailor Steve]

God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam it was time to "be fruitful and multiply". Adam asked God how he was to go about this. God said he could start by kissing Eve. "Lord, what is a kiss?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind a tree and kissed her.

A while later Adam returned with a big smile on his face. "Lord, that was great! What next?"

God told Adam he wanted him to caress Eve. "Lord, what is a caress?" God explained, and Adam took Eve behind the tree and caressed her.

Some time later Adam returned with an even bigger smile on his face and said "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

God told Adam it was time for him to have sex with Eve. Adam asked "Lord, what is sex?" God explained, and Adam took Eve behind the tree a third time.

A minute later Adam returned to God with a puzzled look on his face.

"Lord, what is a headache?

[BossMark]

My wife is giving me the silent treatment.

My job is to make it look like it's a punishment.

[Jimbuna]

I've just read a scientific journal study on a native Australian whose blood type changed overnight to Type O.

He was AB originally.

[BossMark]

Was out shopping with the wife earlier,
She picked up a dress,
"Do you like this?" She asked,
"Newcastle in the champions league" I replied
"What the hell are you on about?"
"You'll never, ever get in it"

[Jimbuna]

Was out shopping with the wife earlier,
She picked up a dress,
"Do you like this?" She asked,
"Leeds in the Premiership" I replied
"What the hell are you on about?"
"You'll never, ever get in it"

Fixed :03:

[Jimbuna]

"Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries!" I called.

"Over here!"

"Here you go, sir. Sorry about your weight."

"That's okay, I didn't wait long at all."

Ha, I thought.

[BossMark]

So the Government told the Army to get all the cruise missiles lined up to fire at Syria, then a vote in the Commons determined we won't be going to war after all. The arms companies are disappointed by this turn in events, but are hopeful that another solution can be reached.

Tell you what, I wouldn't want to be a badger this week.

[TarJak]

I won a Leeds United away kit on eBay.


When it arrived it was a Stanley knife and a baseball bat.

[Sailor Steve]

A blonde finished a jigsaw puzzle and started jumping up and down and squealing with delight. When her roommate asked what the fuss was about she said "I finished it in just six months!"

The roommate asked why that was a reason to get so excited. The blonde said "The box says 2-4 years!"

[Platapus]

Thanks for posting, Steve. It is a welcome break to read jokes that I can actually understand. :D

[Herr-Berbunch]

Thanks for posting, Steve. It is a welcome break to read jokes that I can actually understand. :D

And are funny(ish). :up:

[BossMark]

"What's the first name of that Jamaican sprinter?" asked my blonde wife. "Somebody Bolt?"

"Usain Bolt?" I answered.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm saying Bolt."

[Jimbuna]

When I went to my doctor for a check up he told me, don't eat anything fatty.
' Do you mean things like pies and chips, ' I replied.
' No, I said don't eat anything,fatty, ' he said.

[BossMark]

As a surprise for her birthday, I took my wife to see her parents in Thailand.

They wouldn't give me a refund.

[Jimbuna]

When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.

If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria.

[BossMark]

My 12 year old son just beat my score on a foundation level maths test, so I tried to chase after him to beat him up, but I wasn't fit enough and gave up after 200 meters.

I've just been arrested for impersonating a police officer.

[Jimbuna]

The wife said to me, "There was a man knocking on the door with a beard for ages."

"No wonder I couldn't hear him." I replied.

[BossMark]

I had a great job in the war, training Kamikaze pilots to fly.

Well, it was only half a job really.

I taught them how to take off ...

[Platapus]

Brits and Yanks really don't share a common language do we?

I mean the letters are the same and I can recognize the words, but they don't seem to make sense.

:D

[BossMark]

The U.S. is ready to launch a strike on Syria to help restore peace in the country.


You know, like they did with Iraq and Libya.

[Jimbuna]

Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Bugga off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

[Sailor Steve]

I invented a device that I thought would revolutionize the world and make me rich.

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much of a market for foot-powered wheelchairs.

[Platapus]

I invented a device that I thought would revolutionize the world and make me rich.

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much of a market for foot-powered wheelchairs.


Someone beat you to it

http://www.patentstorm.us/patents/6257610/claims.html :D

http://www.oobject.com/bizarre-pedal-powered-things/pedal-powered-wheelchair/2322/ :D:D

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "What's that?"

I said, "It's a torch with the power of a million candles."

She said, "What do you want that for."

I said, "It's for your Mother."

She said, "In case the lights fuse. That's really thoughtful of you."

I said, "No, it's to go on top of the old girls birthday cake next week."

[BossMark]

"Did you see in the paper that they've worked out exactly when the world will end?" I asked my mate.

"When is it then?" he asked.

"August 1st 2213,"

"Just my luck." he said. "My two week summer holiday at work always starts on the first of August."

[Sailor Steve]

So I came up with another brilliant invention.

I'm still trying to find a buyer for my solar-powered flashlight.

[BossMark]

My mate told me that Pluto wasn't considered a planet.

He must think I'm stupid or something,

Everyone knows he's a dog.

[Jimbuna]

The wife's dinner last night was so horrible,

Ben Affleck is going to be in a movie about it.

[BrucePartington]

So I came up with another brilliant invention.

I'm still trying to find a buyer for my solar-powered flashlight.
I actually own one that looks like this.
http://realgoods.com/shop/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/650x650/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/r/1/r18534-2.jpg

[Jimbuna]

What do you get if you cross a racing driver and a gorrilla?

SchuBacca

[BossMark]

Watching a bit of Spanish football earlier, it struck me how playing in La Liga is so similar to being on fire.

When in doubt, stop, drop and roll.

[Jimbuna]

My mate said, "What did you do last night?"

I said, "I watched the X Factor repeat on ITV."

He said, "It wasn't a repeat."

I said, "Yes it was. It was exactly the same as last year... absolute rubbish."

[BossMark]

German tourists are so nice at all inclusive holiday resorts.

They always put a towel out for me on the loungers early in the morning.

[Jimbuna]

The barman said "I've got more new sheep jokes than I can cope with."

I replied "Herd them."

[BossMark]

I think it's great that we have an extra 6 weeks of X-Factor this year.

It should do wonders for the Saturday night pub trade.

[Jimbuna]

I got arrested as I left Sainsbury.

"Just forgot to put it back" I pleaded, "Honest mistake."

Still got charged with indecent exposure.

[Sailor Steve]

Since all my brilliant ideas seem to have been stolen, I've decided to give it one last try.

Anyone in the market for a microwave refrigerator?

[Jimbuna]

"Would you like a hand with that?"

Asked the cannibal, whilst I was preparing dinner.

[BossMark]

"Look mate," I told him, "I'm not being funny, but I'm going need to see some ID before I let you in there."

"For gods sake you bastard!" My wife screamed, "You can see he's a paramedic. It's almost like you want my mum to bleed to death."

[Sailor Steve]

I went to my boss for a raise. I said "I demand to be paid what I'm worth!"

He said "I'd really like to pay you what your worth. Unfortunately we have minimum-wage laws."

[Jimbuna]

She looks like a toaster,
She walks like a toaster,
She talks like a toaster,
And I know why...
She's a Breville in disguise.

[Platapus]

Since all my brilliant ideas seem to have been stolen, I've decided to give it one last try.

Anyone in the market for a microwave refrigerator?

Not a microwave, but there is an oven/refrigerator on the market

http://www.gizmag.com/go/1524/

[Platapus]

I met my boss in the parking lot. I noticed his brand new Merc.

"That's a nice new car you have there.", I said to him

"Yes, and you know what? If you work hard, really apply yourself, put in those extra hours, next year I will be able to afford a better one."

:shifty:

[Sailor Steve]

Not a microwave, but there is an oven/refrigerator on the market
Not a combination. I once met a guy who tried to show me his plans for a microwave-powered refrigerator.

I think I'd better give up trying to tell jokes and stick to copying and pasting like everyone else.

[BossMark]

I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

[BossMark]

"NO STRINGS ATTACHED SALE!" Screamed the advert in the paper. It was probably too good to be true.

I've just bought the crapest guitar ever.

[Jimbuna]

As our mate got married at the weekend, a few of us chipped in and got him a joint present.

A memorial plaque on the bench at our local.

[Jimbuna]

This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.

[BossMark]

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?
It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.

[Jimbuna]

My friend wasn't having much luck meeting women on dating websites so he asked me for advice.

"The problem is that you live in quite a remote village in Norfolk" I told him " so you need to be willing to go further out"

"Ok then, but I'm still not going further than second cousins."

[BossMark]

I was watching the TV when I shouted through to my wife in the kitchen "A cup of tea would be nice love"

She replied "Why don't you stick a broom handle up my bum?"

It's wee surprises like that are the key to a long and happy marriage.

[Jimbuna]

I'm writing this from hospital. Don't worry! The Dr says i'll be ok but I must warn you, the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name!!

[BossMark]

Five hours I sat by the river last night and not a single bite.

Finally, an insect repellent that actually works.

[Jimbuna]

My mom died after taking an E that wasn't hers.


My dad takes scrabble way too seriously.

[Sailor Steve]

The blonde is on the roof of a burning building. The firemen are holding a blanket and yelling for her to jump. "No!" she yells back, "My ex-boyfriend was a fireman! He played jokes on me, and now I don't trust you guys anymore! You're going to pull the blanket away!"

"No, we won't! We don't do that sort of thing!"

She says "I still don't trust you. Lay the blanket on the ground and back away! Then I'll jump!"

[BossMark]

My wife had a face like thunder when I came home from work. "You left a DVD in the player last night."

"Oh hell," I grimaced, "Please don't tell me Jack turned it on by accident."

"He did. Then I'm the one having to answer all the questions about it." She carried on, "God knows what he's going to blurt out in school."

"I'll talk to him," I said.

"You better had. He wanted to know why his dad was watching 'Strictly Come Dancing' when all his friends' dads watch porn."

[Jimbuna]

Chasing a seagull is just like buying a lottery ticket.

You haven't got a chance but somehow you just can't resist.

[BossMark]

The Government is to build a new 'super prison' in North Wales.

I think they should build a terrible one instead, then maybe people will try to avoid getting sent to jail in the first place.

[Jimbuna]

Samsung have unveiled the Galaxy Gear smart watch
Apple are preparing to sue because it's a clear rip off something they haven't made yet but might at some point....

[BossMark]

It was so hot out there yesterday!

I was sweating like a Coronation Street actor getting his laptop fixed at PC World.

[Jimbuna]

Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road' personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is...

[TarJak]

After 10 long years, my wife said that my ignorance and completely random thoughts had left her with no choice but to leave me. But you know what I simply fail to understand?

Chinese writing.

[Jimbuna]

My 5"1' mate said, "I don't know how to stop sleepwalking at night, do you have any suggestions?".

"A cot"

[BossMark]

Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria, Which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria...

[Sailor Steve]

As I staggered in the door last night my wife snapped "What's the idea of coming home half drunk?"

I said "I'm sorry, honey. I ran out of money."

[BossMark]

I was enjoying a free bar at somebody's wake today, when a bloke came up to me and said, "How did you know Sam?"

"Errrrr, Sam was my grandfather." I replied.

"Sam was your grandfather?" he asked.

"Yes," I smiled, sipping my double rum & coke, "How did you know Sam?"

He said, "She was my niece."

[Jimbuna]

I used to be a boxer they called Picasso. I spent too much time on the canvas.

[BossMark]

Our five a side team played against the only female team in the league this week.

Trust me not to score.

[Jimbuna]

I got stopped by the cops for a routine inspection. They checked the tyres, lights, exhaust, the whole kit and kaboodle.

"Warning triangle and first-aid kit?" asked one of the cops.

"Aye," I said, "got those already, thanks. But how much for one of your silly hats?"

[BossMark]

I was playing with my dog in the park, pretending to throw a stick and watching him run after it.

Then two blonde girls walked over, and asked if I was a magician.

[Jimbuna]

Paper Airplanes.

Engineering aviation using sustainable resources.

My CV doesn't look so bad after all.

[Sailor Steve]

My wife loves me more than any woman ever loved any man. Just last week I had to take a couple of sick days, and she was so happy that every time the milkman and mailman came by she would run down the driveway yelling "My old man's home! My old man's home!"

[Jimbuna]

How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?
There, their, they're.

[Jimbuna]

How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?
There, their, they're.

Look at the post above yours.

[fireftr18]

Look at the post above yours.
Now that's funny. Two people post the same joke at the same time. :haha:

[Jimbuna]

Now that's funny. Two people post the same joke at the same time. :haha:

Even funnier is the fact they were posted 32 minutes apart.

[BossMark]

Even funnier is the fact they were posted 32 minutes apart.
And stated in another thread I am pissed :haha: Oh an BTW have deleted mine :yep:

[BossMark]

Police are investigating whether burglars are using chalk markings to communicate with each other about which houses to target.
Until a 6 year old explained that its called 'Hopscotch'

[Jimbuna]

"Any chance you can make us a brew, love?" I asked the wife earlier.

"Sure honey." She replied. "For a kiss."


"Fine, I'LL make it then."

[Sailor Steve]

A blonde, brunette and redhead go sightseeing in London on a double-decker bus. There is only one seat empty on the upper level, so they agree to take turns. The blonde gets the upstairs seat first. After an hour the redhead goes up to take her turn, but finds the blonde gripping the seatback ahead of her and shaking in fear. "What's wrong?" She asks. "The view up here is beautiful."

"That's easy for you to say!" The blonde replies. "Your level has a driver!"

[Jimbuna]

I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years when I got a job as an astronaut.

"I just need space." I said.

[Jimbuna]

When I saw the plumber's van parked outside the house, I feared the worst.

But thankfully, he was just visiting the wife and there was no expensive leak.

[Jimbuna]

"Go on, love. You can do it. Push!" I said to my wife. "You're nearly there."
And as she struggled, I encouraged her, "Go on. Go on. I can see the head."
"Bugga off, Dave," she snapped in a muffled voice as she tried to put on the winter sweater she'd just finished knitting.

[d4n1066]

Question: How many ears does Spock have?


Answer: Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.:)

[Sailor Steve]

The teacher asked her sixth-grade Biology class a question: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to ten times its normal size when stimulated?"

One of the eleven-year-olds raised her hand. "Mary?" asks the teacher.

Mary blushed and said "Mrs Hart, how dare you ask such a question? I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs Hart stared at her in surprise, but pressed on. "Anyone else?"

A boy raised his hand and she called on him. "Yes, Sam?"

Sam said "Mrs Hart, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam! Thank you."

Mrs Hart then looked back at the girl and said "Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, it is clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[Jimbuna]

Paddy was in Seamus's house. He said, "Bejeesus me your ceiling is high."

Seamus said, "The wife wanted two rooms knocked into one. "

[BossMark]

Can't please my missus. She's the one who was always banging on about knocking a wall down to make the dining room bigger.

Now she says she hates our new toilet/diner.

[Herr-Berbunch]

<snip>

Welcome back. :salute:

[BossMark]

Welcome back. :salute:

Thank you had a nice quiet 4 day break in Majorca :haha:

[BossMark]

The iPhone 5c

Named after the hourly pay rate of its assemblers.

[Jimbuna]

Thank you had a nice quiet 4 day break in Majorca :haha:

Four days :o

Cheapskate :)

[Jimbuna]

The DOH just released a fascinating document on how to identify OCD.

I must have read it 100 times

[BossMark]

I'm not saying my blonde wife's stupid, but she just asked me if the 9/11 hijackers were ever caught.

[Jimbuna]

I've sent off my bank details to some guy in Nigeria who says I've won five million quid.

I figure there's a better chance of that being genuine than there is that four hot women in my area want to meet me.

[Sailor Steve]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape from prison together. They hid in a barn. When the cops show up to search the place they hide in three burlap sacks. One of the cops kicks the first sack and the brunette yells "Meeyyooowww!" The cop says "It's just a cat."

He kicks the second sack and the redhead yells "Ruff! Ruff!" The cop says "Nothing in here but a stupid dog."

So he kicks the third sack and the blonde yells "Potatoes!"

[Tango589]

The wife said I am stupid and cannot do a thing right. I decided that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore, so I packed her bags and left.

[Tango589]

The wife told me I was stupid, lazy and immoral. She's the stupid one thinking I'm going to live forever!

[Jimbuna]

I walked into a shop today and asked the woman behind the counter, "Do you have any cameras?"

"No," she replied.

I said, "Good, open the till then."

[Tango589]

I was in a restaurant with the wife and sister-in-law. The waiter came to take my order and I said "I'll have the steak." The waiter asked "what about the vegetables?" and I replied "they'll have the same."

Then the fight started...

[BossMark]

I ran home and told my bully of a wife the good news.

"You're not gonna believe this love," I said, "but I did a £1 accumulator at the bookies and they all won! We've got just short of a million so we can give up work and buy that Spanish villa you've always dreamed of!"

"What have I bloody told you about going in betting shops?"

[Jimbuna]

I'm a forensic expert. My main job is identifying bodies by dental record.

My worst nightmare is a fire in the Jeremy Kyle studio.

[BossMark]

For the last 3 Saturday nights I've won the 'pull a pig' competition with the lads.

"Why are they laughing and cheering?" she asked.

"I don't know" I replied. "But thanks for picking me up again".

[Sailor Steve]

A recent study was conducted in which five hundred men drank large quantities of beer. The study found that 100% of the men:

1. Gained weight

2. Began talking more and more, while making less and less sense.

3. Became overly emotional

4. Started calling home just to see if anyone had called for them.

5. Started going to the bathroom in groups.

In the end the research group concluded that beer contains female hormones.

[BossMark]

What is half of 8 ?

3

[Jimbuna]

After several hours of haggling with the salesman at the local used car dealership, I finally got what I was after.

However the missus says I have to return it because there's no room for a 30 foot giant inflatable monkey.

[BossMark]

"Love, can you put the radiators on please. I'm freezing to death up here"
My wife shouted down 3 hours ago.

[Jimbuna]

It's Friday again. Tonight, young men all over England will be going out to bars and clubs in the hope that they can end the night with some hot sex.

In a similar search, young men all over Wales will be going hillwalking.

[BossMark]

I work for an insurance company and I've just heard about a new motor scam called "flash for cash".

Man, am I going to have a ball researching this one.

[Jimbuna]

I really need to start putting dates on these leftovers.

I don't even remember cooking this chunky beef flavoured yoghurt.

[BossMark]

"Can you drag yourself away from that phone for 5 minutes?", said my wife at dinner.

It's true, I thought, technology has moved so quickly that phones are now more interesting than some people. And when I upgrade this Nokia 3210, she could be in real trouble.

[Jimbuna]

My little girl came in crying, "Dad there is a very scary beetle in the garden,"

"Well just use the pest repellent on it sweetheart, that should get rid of it, " I replied,

"I tried that daddy, but it just carries on singing 'Yesterday'," she said.

[BossMark]

A man went into a police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court", said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"