The joke thread II

[Buddahaid]

I've been married long enough to appreciate that.

[Col7777]

For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act.

But it was a just a stage he was going through.

[Col7777]

I went drag racing today. It was fun, but I did feel stupid in a dress.

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, I got some fantastic wedding presents.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

[Jimbuna]

Knock knock.
whose there?
“Doorbell repair man“

[Jimbuna]

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Saville, when I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a cow, blindfolded.

[Platapus]

I have a nice step ladder


My real ladder left us when I was young.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between an actor and a politician? An actor has better script writers with more believable story-lines.

[Jimbuna]

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

[Eisenwurst]

Buddha goes into a "Subway"

"Make me one with everything".

[Jimbuna]

The England team visited an orphanage today in Poland.

‘It was amazing to put a smile on the faces of a group of people who constantly struggle and have little hope’

said Jan Zamoyski, aged 6

[Jimbuna]

The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!

[Platapus]

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen are defaulted

Florists are deflowered

Students are detested

Hostels are debunked

Spies are debugged and detailed

Corporations are deformed and delimited

Celibate people are delayed

Chauffeurs are derided

Record keepers are described

Plumbers are dethroned

Clerks are defiled

Traffic cops are defined

Naturists are denuded

Election officials are devoted

Accountants are decertified

Builders are deconstructed

Confused people are demystified

Intelligence officials are declassified

Interpreters for the deaf are designed

Road builders are degraded

Waiters are deserved

Horses put out to stud are desired

Castles are demoted

Organ donors are delivered

Anything certain is depending

[Platapus]

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff



Mr. Putin, we have some good news and some bad news about this election


OK, what's the bad news.


Sir, The bad news is that your opponent received 65% of the vote


What's the good news


Sir, the good news is that you received 75% of the vote.

[Catfish]

^and ^^ :haha: :haha:

[Texas Red]

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married.

Apparently, “when I meet the right girl” was the wrong answer.

[Col7777]

This morning the doctor said I have attention deficit something or another, I dunno I wasn't really listening.

[Platapus]

The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!


Continuing darkness until early morning light.

[Jimbuna]

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

[Jimbuna]

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[Col7777]

It's my first day working in the library.

So, to make a good impression, I've organised all the books by size.

[Platapus]

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


If a tomato is a fruit
Is ketchup a smoothy?

[Col7777]

I remembered my wedding anniversary today.

It was last week.

[Jimbuna]

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.

[Jimbuna]

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Platapus]

The best part about getting an Anti-Vaxer pregnant is only having to pay 9 years of child support instead of 18.

[Jimbuna]

Twenty-six years after the Chernobyl disaster, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

[Jimbuna]

An irish farmer sees a welsh farmer carrying 2 sheep under his arms, and asks, “are you gonna shear them?
.”No”.says the Welshman..
.”they”re both for me”.

[Catfish]

^ :haha:

[Jimbuna]

I was wondering if any of the non Brits would understand :03:

[Platapus]

Even I got that one. :up:

[mikesn9]

Yeah, I got it too... sheer pleasure.

[Catfish]

Police: "Shoot at will!"
Will: "Noo, why??"

[Jimbuna]

^ Reminds me of the one about the film Zulu when Michael Caine shouts "Fire at will" and the zulus stop charging and enquire of one another "Which one of us is called Will"?

[Jimbuna]

Two Irish men talking in a bar, Mick and Paddy.

“So Paddy what’s your ringtone?” says Mick
“I’ve never looked Mick but I would imagine it’s a light brown colour”.

[Jimbuna]

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…

“Mr Cook?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “That’s ridiculous – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

[Col7777]

Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Get lost you loser," was going to get me into bed.

[Platapus]

Twenty-six years after the Chernobyl disaster, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.


That's how I felt after my first cardiac stress test.


I was setting off the radiation detectors at work with my radioactive blood but no super powers


Totally unfair

[Jimbuna]

What’s green and smells like yellow paint?

Green Paint

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the latest story about some major tennis players being involved in witchcraft?? Goran, even he’s a witch.

[Platapus]

A hooker once told me she had a headache. :shifty:

[Platapus]

My wife has a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

[Platapus]

My wife and I were trying to quit smoking. So we made a deal, we'd only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 2015 - but she's up to three packs a day!

[Eisenwurst]

Confucius says "Man who stand on toilet high on pot".

[Platapus]

I once dated this blond girl. She was cute but dumb.


The first time she tried to make French Toast
She got her tongue caught in the toaster.

[Platapus]

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. :shifty:

[Platapus]

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.



Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

[Catfish]

News: Nation accidentally elects president with sensible mindset in freak magic catastrophe.

[Jimbuna]

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

[Jimbuna]

Just had a video chat with an attractive women who said she’ll do anything I want for only £100. She agreed to come to my house tomorrow. Fingers crossed she does a good job repairing my garden fence.

[Col7777]

"Shall we adopt another child?" said my wife.

"Yes," I replied, "This one's useless."

[Catfish]

Wife and i just discussed we do not want to have children.
Tomorrow we'll tell it to the kids.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other?
A. We better get some support, or people are gonna think were nuts.

[Jimbuna]

Hurry, 100% discount at your local shopping mall!! While stocks last!!

[Texas Red]

A Lowes employee once asked me "Do you need any help with anything, sir?"

I responded "I know more than you" and walked away.

[Platapus]

A Lowes employee once asked me "Do you need any help with anything, sir?"

I responded "I know more than you" and walked away.


?


That's a joke?

[Jimbuna]

This is the first year I can’t have a summer holiday in the Bahamas because of Covid19. I normally can’t have a holiday in the Bahamas because I’m too poor.

[Jimbuna]

Coronavirus has strained many marriages but I’m blessed to be with a loving wife. Just the other morning when I woke up she was holding a pillow over my face to protect me from Covid 19.

[Jimbuna]

Just got a letter from Screwfix.. Turns out they are not a dating agency.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the doctors toady and he told me I have Covid19. I asked him for a second opinion and then he told me I was ugly as well.

[Platapus]

If sound does not travel through a vacuum, why do vacuum cleaners make so much noise?


For that matter, what exactly does a vacuum cleaner clean?


Window cleaners clean windows
Rug cleaners clean rugs
Drain cleaners clean drains
Street cleaners clean streets



How can a vacuum get so dirty?

[Eisenwurst]

My dog has no nose.

"How does he smell???"

Terrible.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since lockdown.
Me: You haven’t gained that much weight. Come on… chin up. No, the other one.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was really angry with me today.
I put a stick in a non-stick frying pan.

[Platapus]

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.

[Platapus]

I put Minute Rice in a slow cooker.


I don't know when the hell it will be done.

[Jimbuna]

Finally got an Asda delivery slot for my shopping. I’ve ordered Turkey, sprouts and some Christmas crackers.

[Jimbuna]

Stepped on my weighing scale this morning and it said:

“Please use social distancing, one person at a time”.

[Platapus]

I purchased a decaffeinated coffee table.


I can't tell it from the real thing

[Jimbuna]

They told me to wear a mask and gloves when going to the store.

They lied… Everyone else had clothes on.

[Jimbuna]

Discovered yesterday I have liftophobia, fear of lifts. I’m taking steps to avoid them.

[Platapus]

I once ate a peanut butter sandwich while standing on my head


My tongue stuck to the bottom of my mouth!

[Platapus]

Speaking of which


Peanut Butter is sticky
Tomato Paste is slippery


Should it not be called Peanut Paste and Tomato Butter?

[Eisenwurst]

"How do you catch a Polar Bear?"

You cut a hole in the ice, sprinkle peas around it, and when a Polar Bear comes along for a pea, you kick him in the Ice hole.

[Catfish]

^ This is ... such a good idea :haha:

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked me, “What did you buy me for valentines day?”
“Well,” I chuckled. “You see that pink Mercedes over there?”
“Yes,” she said happily.
“Well I bought you a toothbrush the same colour.”

[Jimbuna]

My dog minton has eaten all the shuttlecocks.

Badminton

[Platapus]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[Platapus]

When Napoleon Bonaparte led his army into battle, he wore a red uniform so that, if he was wounded, the blood would not show and his troops would not lose their nerve.





Question: Do you know why Navy officers and Chiefs wear brown trousers?



:D

[Platapus]

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
― Groucho Marx

[Jimbuna]

If someone sends you a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, tanks.

[Jimbuna]

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

[Texas Red]

If someone sends you a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, tanks.

:oops::dead:

A drill sergeant grumbles at his fresh young trainee, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Private.”
“Thank you very much, Sir,” replies the soldier.

[Jimbuna]

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming unbearable. I feel ashamed to be human. Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

[Jimbuna]

Once I made a belt out of clocks…

It was a waist of time

[Jimbuna]

I always go to clothes stores and they always say they don’t have my size. I mean, does nobody know what extra medium is???

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation at hospital.

Nurse: What happened to your fingers?
Me: You know those chefs who cut vegetables really fast?
Nurse: Yes?
Me: I can’t do that.

[Col7777]

I see a few people have repeated some of my jokes, so I looked on the other sections of the forum but nobody has repeated my questions.


Col.

[Jimbuna]

I heard on the radio today that the average person only recycles 3 bottles of wine per year! How dare you? Every week I recycle dozens of wine bottles and beer cans. Come on people!!! I can’t fix global warming by myself.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl. It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

[Platapus]

Due to the Covid crisis, casinos are starting to offer curb-side service


You drive up to a casino and someone comes out and takes all your money.

[Eisenwurst]

Did you hear about the eskimo couple???

One cold night she broke it off.

[youlli]

- Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together??
- OMg!
and
-How do you drown a hipster?
-Throw him in the mainstream.
and
My realtor sold me a house in Spain here (https://tranio.com/spain/detached/), it was two story house…one story before the sale, and another after.

[Aktungbby]

youlli!:Kaleun_Salute: keep up the good humor...you'lli do well here!:O:

[Platapus]

- Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together??
- OMg!
and
-How do you drown a hipster?
-Throw him in the mainstream.




Coming in with a bang! Nicely done.


Welcome

[Jimbuna]

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father. My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

[Jimbuna]

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

[Eisenwurst]

Did you hear about the eskimo optometrist??

He was an optical aleutian.

[Aktungbby]

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!You'd stayed too long in China; and your own 'eyes got slitty'...with apologies to HRH Prince Philip:haha:(:x: vs :roll:?):arrgh!:

[Jimbuna]

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won a load of money and moved to Spain.

[Jimbuna]

Convert your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

[Platapus]

I was staying at this hotel for the first time. I had just checked in. I went to the reception desk and asked the woman behind the desk


"Miss, I am sorry, but I just got here, could you please tell me again which room I am in?"


She gave me a strange look and said "Sir, you are in the lobby."


I don't get no respect

[Catfish]

So the two linguists are in the welsh city of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll.

They wonder how this is being pronounced properly.

Since they are in a cheap restaurant, one of them asks the waitress
"Could you please tell me where we are, and how exactly do you pronounce it?"

The waitress gives them a strange look and slowly says
"B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G"

[Jimbuna]

Instead of wasting money on costly egg timers simply boil your egg to perfection by getting in your car and driving at 60 mph for exactly 3 miles. When you reach the 3 mile mark call your wife and tell her to take it out the pan.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I drink coffee I get a stabbing pain in my right eye.

He advised me to take the spoon out of the cup.

[Jimbuna]

I went to my doctor and he said he had some good news and some bad news. He said the good news was that he got my test results and I had two days to live. Then he said the bad news was that he has been trying to contact me for two days.

[Jimbuna]

Q. Why do birds always sing in the morning?
A. Because they don’t have to go to work!!

[Jimbuna]

The Irish government has recently announced that they are going to save money on school crossing men and women by moving schools to the other side of the road.

[Jimbuna]

Mexicans have been complaining recently about Trumps wall, they really need to get over it.

[Platapus]

Doctor walks into my room and tells me that he has some good news and some bad news.



OK Doc, what's the bad new


The bad news is that I am afraid that you only have a week to live


Doc, what's the good news?


See that nurse over there? I am taking her out on Friday.

[Platapus]

Saw a bumper sticker that I need for my car


Hung like Einstein
Smart like a horse.


(it was an actual bumper sticker).

[Jimbuna]

For those worried about Alexa listening to your conversations Amazon are now releasing a male version called Alex who ignores everything you say.

[Jimbuna]

Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present. She’s going to love these flowers.

[Jimbuna]

All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except Winter and Summer. And Autumn.

[Jimbuna]

Went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty smart, but some Jewish bloke came up to me and said “The ’70s called… They want their shirt back!” so I said, “The ’40s called… your shower’s ready.”

[Jimbuna]

Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…
Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.

[Jimbuna]

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette’s suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

[Jimbuna]

Did you know that 85% of pie charts resemble Pacman?

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the new mummy they’ve discovered in Egypt? It was covered in nuts and chocolate.

They think his name was Pharaoh Rocher.

[Catfish]

Went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty smart, but some Jewish bloke came up to me and said “The ’70s called… They want their shirt back!” so I said, “The ’40s called… your shower’s ready.”
uh oh .. you can read this in at least two ways ..

[Jimbuna]

Hopefully people will take it in the intended context after taking into consideration the thread title.

[Platapus]

uh oh .. you can read this in at least two ways ..


No, I think there is only one way to read this. :03:

[magic452]

Did you know that there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?

Same thing on the Virgin Islands;

No canaries there either.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Went to Subway today and they had an offer ‘£3 – Choose between 9 Subs and a Drink’ I said “What a dumb choice, I’ll take the 9 subs please”.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, the word (I’ll ) requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

[Platapus]

Did you know that there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?

Same thing on the Virgin Islands;

No canaries there either.


Magic


Reminds me of a scene from the movie The Cheap Detective



[/URL]Gentlemen, may I present Miss Betty DeBoop from the Islands?
(https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0168394/?ref_=tt_trv_qu)Caribbean or Virgin?
[URL="https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0107281/?ref_=tt_trv_qu"]Well, let's just say I came back a Caribbean.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/vByprvcs/96081083-6191200122719-5558601753143803904-n-png.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/tTz82VxV/Image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because, without that, what’s left to destroy?

[Jimbuna]

My fat ex-girlfriend recently got a t-shirt saying, ‘I’m a maneater’…
I told her that’s not how you spell manatee!

[Jimbuna]

I used to work for a Jewish carpenter.

He used to check my fingers for splinters to make sure I wasn’t stealing.

[Jimbuna]

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour: I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.

[Jimbuna]

My young daughter asked me this morning.

“Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?”

“Nothing darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife before bed.

Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the Irish metal detector who got trapped after digging a 30 foot hole? Turns out he was wearing steel toecap boots.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just called me.

She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”

I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

[Platapus]

A ship carrying a cargo of Red and Violet paint struck a small island and sunk
The crew is feared to be marooned.

[Jimbuna]

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

[Jimbuna]

I want to meet a girl who loves romantic walks because I don’t have a car or any money.

[Jeff-Groves]

Went to a Lowe's and used my Lowe's account card.
They asked to see a picture ID as usual.
"That doesn't look like you!"
Since I was wearing face panties? I wasn't surprised.
So I used a black marker to draw it on my drivers license.
"Ah! OK. Purchase approved!"
:doh:

[Platapus]

My doctor told me that I was color blind


That news came right out of the grey

[Jimbuna]

My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

[Jimbuna]

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, “Just use a spoon, Steve. You’re not a Jedi.”

[Jimbuna]

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea.

[Platapus]

Last year I wrote a book on Penguins.


In retrospect, it would have been better had I written it on pieces of paper instead.

[Texas Red]

You might be a redneck if.....


Your mom has ever asked "Anyone wanna see this before I flush it?"

[Jimbuna]

Q. What do you call a muscular Arab Prince?
A. Protein Sheikh

[Jimbuna]

1 slice of apple pie:

Jamaica $4.50
Bahamas $6.50
Aruba $3.50
Cayman Islands $10.50

These are the real pie rates of the Caribbean.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: So kids what jobs do your parents have?
Simon: My dad is a baker.
Teacher: Very good Simon, anyone else?
Johnny: My dad runs the local prison!!
Teacher: That’s great, is he a prison warden?
Johnny: No he’s just the hardest one in there!!

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Don’t eat anything fatty
Me: What? You mean like bacon or burgers?
Doctor: No fatty!! Don’t eat anything.

[Platapus]

I am hosting a meeting for men with ED


Let me know if you can't come.

[Jimbuna]

“Dad, how do you feel about abortions?”
“Well, why don’t you ask your sister?”
“But I don’t have a…”

[Jimbuna]

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas. Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I’m now in casualty…

[Platapus]

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas. Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I’m now in casualty…


That must suck

[Platapus]

It was so touching.


My best friend in the world, as he was dying, handed me his Epi pen.
I guess he wanted me to have it to remember him by.

#BFF

[Jimbuna]

I love Jesus. He’s born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate. He’s the best.

[Jimbuna]

Saw a dwarf prisoner today climbing down the wall.

I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.

[Jimbuna]

Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve decided to start an educational campaign to tell people about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

[Platapus]

Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.




Or how to turn a case of grave robbery into a religion. :03:

[Jimbuna]

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. None because they never get the house.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry…

I’ll return.

[magic452]

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress
When she got there, the cupboard was bare

And so was her daughter, I guess?????


Magic

[Platapus]

Ohhh opening up the limerick door are we? :D
I tell you, to give you some clarity
Most limericks are filled with vulgarity
But this one is clean
If you know what I mean
And in that sense it's really a rarity.

[Jimbuna]

Girlfriend: Do you want to get married?
Me: Sure.
Girlfriend: Great, when?
Me: Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl.

[Jimbuna]

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old…

Until she checked the freezer.

[Jimbuna]

All woman are bi. It’s a man’s job to figure out if they are bi-sexual or bi polar.

[Jimbuna]

Appear 10 years younger by telling everybody you are 10 years older than you actually are.

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the news that the worlds oldest man died earlier today. Why does this keep happening?

[Jimbuna]

People who say they’ve lost their voice are lying.

[Eisenwurst]

An eskimo buys a fridge.

His mates say "you're mad. it's -20 degrees outside".

He replies "Yeah but it's 5 degrees inside the fridge so it's nice and warm".

[Jimbuna]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

[Jimbuna]

Just been ripped off by the guy who works at my local Chinese hardware store.
The pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

[Jimbuna]

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile walk into McDonalds and interrupt a half-naked man eating a burger. The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, “We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of a hallucinogenic nature, Sir.”

[Jimbuna]

Just got a pizza delivered and they forgot to put mozzarella on it. I’m really cheesed off.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”. That should keep my gypsy neighbours on their toes for a while.

[Jimbuna]

Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it around.

[Jimbuna]

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

[Jimbuna]

My favourite text message to send to the wife when I’m out drinking at the bar.

“I’ll be home in 5 minutes… If not… read this again!!”

[Jimbuna]

Just got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

[Jimbuna]

I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn’t contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

“Here, love, I’ll shift gear for you.”

[Jimbuna]

Interviewer: What’s your main weakness and strength?
Me: Well my main weakness is knowing the difference between truth and fiction.
Interviewer: And your strength?
Me: My main strength is that I’m Batman!

[Jimbuna]

Last night a cinema near me was robbed of over £1000.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large drinks and a pack of Skittles.

[Jimbuna]

Me and my girlfriend decided to start trying the whole long-distance relationship thing yesterday.

The police said I have to stay 100ft away from her and I have to stop calling her my girlfriend.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/BvqPTvGn/117673660-10220222303842158-6689654144895342133-n.jpg (https://postimg.cc/QFyMsht2)

[Mr Quatro]

The Afghan Quarterback


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

[Catfish]

^ :rotfl2:

This is so ... :haha:

[Jimbuna]

Most people are shocked when they find out…

I’m a self-taught electrician.

[Jimbuna]

Lost my internet connection last night and couldn’t use Facebook. I had to spend 4 hours calling 247 of my friends to tell them ‘I hate work, I’m having a glass of wine before going to bed, lol’.

[Jimbuna]

I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0…
That’s nice of her, paying off my debts.

[Jimbuna]

I don’t understand Christians. They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on heaven being real.

[Jimbuna]

Anyone want some coconut shampoo? I bought some the other day but I don’t have any coconuts.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve just been given two weeks to live. My wife’s going on vacation for a couple of weeks.

[Jimbuna]

My wife’s star sign was cancer and it’s quite ironic how she died really…

She was killed by an angry goat.

[Jimbuna]

If you want to change the world do it while you’re single.
Once you get married you can’t even change the TV channel.

[Catfish]

^ :haha:

[mapuc]

A fairy gave a man a wish
he wished his wife was 30 years younger and the fairy swung the wand and now the man was 80 years old

Markus

[Jimbuna]

My son brought his first girlfriend home tonight. The verdict? Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby bottom.
Oh, and she doesn’t react well to criticism.

[Jimbuna]

Had a random drug test today at work and my results were negative. My dealer has got a lot of explaining to do.

[Platapus]

Last anniversary, I gave my wife a diamond bracelet and she has not spoken to me since.


Well, that was the agreement.

[Texas Red]

I told my wife I have the body of an 18 year old......

She did not believe me until she looked in the freezer.

[Buddahaid]

This last page is all repeats and some of them weren't very long ago.....

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between a Chinese zoo and an American zoo? A Chinese zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

[Jimbuna]

Just read in the newspaper that lots of Americans have been sending their old clothes to the poor in Africa.

Wast of time in my opinion. I’ve never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

[Jimbuna]

Just been fired from my new job at the bank.

An old lady asked me to check her balance so I jumped on her back.

[Jimbuna]

Just woken up with rice on my face.
I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

[Texas Red]

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

[Catfish]

Just read in the newspaper that lots of Americans have been sending their old clothes to the poor in Africa.
Wast of time in my opinion. I’ve never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
:haha: America has become a waist land

[Jimbuna]

It’s sad how scary travelling has become since terrorism started.
I remember the old days when seeing an unattended bag made you feel happy because you could take it home without feeling scared and sometimes it had a laptop inside.

[Jimbuna]

Marks and Spencer have recently announced they are going to merge with Poundstrecher.

The new supermarket will be called StrechMarks.

[Texas Red]

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick

[Jimbuna]

Moved to China last week and I think I’ve got a female stalker.
I’ve seen her about ten million times already today.

[Jimbuna]

Last night my wife allowed me to go on top.
I love bunk beds!!

[Catfish]

What does Trump do after he dies?
He lies still.

[Catfish]

"Oh Deep Cave, why are you so unlucky?"
"You would not understand, Litte Arrow."

[Jimbuna]

Customer: What’s the WiFi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Ok, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: $10 please.
Customer: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

[Jimbuna]

Found out today that some of the most famous French food doesn’t even come from France. Apparently French fries are actually cooked in Greece?

[Mr Quatro]

American History Review circa 2020:


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry,

1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F¿¿¿ the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now!" ...she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh**! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh**, we're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American public if Joe Biden gets elected."

[Moonlight]

^I like that one Mr Quatro. :up:

[Platapus]

My GF dropped the laundry basket


I watched the whole thing unfold

[Platapus]

There is a new restaurant called The Fiddle. I gave it a poor review.

I said it was a vile inn

[Jimbuna]

Scientific survey found out recently that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

[Jimbuna]

Trump has announced that recent airstrikes were a great success. After reducing large parts of Syria to rubble people living in Detroit now feel slightly less jealous of Syrians.

[Jimbuna]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[Jimbuna]

While your girlfriend is asleep stick a nicotine patch on her arm and then take it off before she wakes up.

That way if you ever break up she’ll get withdrawal symptoms, think she’s in love and want you back.

[Jimbuna]

Someone crashed my car earlier today. I found a note on the windshield that said:

“Sorry, I reversed into your car. Loads of people saw me do it so I decided to leave you this note. They think I’m leaving you my name and address but I’m not. Good luck with the repairs.”

[Texas Red]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

:har::har::har:

[Jimbuna]

Really fed up with my new Thai bride!

She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!

[Jimbuna]

The first ever tablet to download data from the cloud was actually invented by Moses in 1300 BC.

[Platapus]

A friend of mine started counterfeiting eighteen-dollar bills.


I asked him what can you do with an 18 dollar bill?


He told me that he knows a store owner so dumb that he will break an 18 dollar bill.


I went to this store with my friend and he did indeed ask the store owner "Can you break this 18 dollar bill"


The store owner responded "Sure, how do you want that? Two 9s or three 6s?"

[Jimbuna]

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Yes!!
Boss: That’s good, because after you left early yesterday for your grandmother’s funeral she came into the office to see you.

[Jimbuna]

Ladies please be careful when drinking tea. I found out last night that tea is more dangerous than alcohol. I came home at 4am after having 12 pints of beer and my wife who stayed at home drinking tea was really angry and violent.

[Platapus]

My doctor asked me if I was still suffering from Premature Ejaculation.


I told her, that I wasn't, but my wife was.

[Jimbuna]

I cant believe some people. You give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly she’s not friends with you any more.

[Jimbuna]

Interesting Fact:

A shark will only attack you if you are wet.

[mapuc]

A man went to confession and confided himself weeping to the priest.
- “Father forgive me. During World War II, I did something terrible. ”
-"What did you do ?"
- "I hid a refugee in my attic."
- "It is not a sin, but rather a good deed"
"But I got him to pay the whole rent."
- "It was not very nicely done, but you put your life on the line, so you are forgiven"
- "Thank you father, just one last question"
-"Yes ?"
- "Should I tell him that the war is over ?

Markus

[Platapus]

I ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

[Platapus]

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.

I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the zoo yesterday and saw a discarded baguette in the monkey enclosure.

It was bread in captivity.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What do you call a Mexican who’s been the victim of vehicle theft?

A. Carlos.

[Platapus]

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

[Platapus]

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet?



One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.

[Platapus]

If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033?



I suspect there will be a lot of



(puts on sunglasses)


Quaranteens.

[Catfish]

^ those last ten .. oh my, this is getting worse by the minute :o

:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

Punched a doctor this morning after I misheard.

Apparently he told my wife she had ‘acute angina’.

[Jimbuna]

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people are so dumb they don’t even notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

[Platapus]

After a couple weeks quarantine at home, my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

[Platapus]

Why did they call it the novel coronavirus?



Well, it’s a long story….


So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.