The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns £500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."

[magic452]

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

[magic452]

Donald Trump and his Secret Service detail are walking across the White House lawn when a rookie agent sees a man raise a gun towards the president. MICKEY MOUSE! shouts the young agent. This distracts the gunman long enough to be tackled and arrested. Later the supervisor says to the rookie agent "What made you yell Mickey Mouse?" Blushing, the young agent replies, "I was nervous and meant to yell Donald, duck."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants.
"Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!"
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

[Jimbuna]

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You still haven't used the one I got you last year!"

[Jimbuna]

A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!"
The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Jimbuna]

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short.
The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[Jimbuna]

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

[Jimbuna]

Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.

[Jimbuna]

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"
The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!"

[Jimbuna]

A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college. After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''
''Ok, Pa.'' The son then says, ''Pi R squared.''
After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other man says, "Go home, dad. You’re drunk."

[Jimbuna]

A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family."
The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

[Jimbuna]

A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."
Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"

[Jimbuna]

A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?"
His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy"
He then asked, "How old are you?"
She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy."
Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?"
Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex."

[Jimbuna]

A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?"
A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's."
"Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher.
The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"

[Jimbuna]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me £25,000."
"Hey, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me £90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me £15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

[Jimbuna]

Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?”
The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”

[Jimbuna]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Jimbuna]

Three men are all working on building a house. They go up to the roof for lunch, and unwrapped their sandwiches. The Brunette says "if I get one more Tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The black haired one says "if I get one more pickle and lettuce sandwich, I, too, am going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The blonde looks at his sandwich and also declares, "if I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself."
The next day, they all get the same sandwiches and kill themselves. That night, their wives all meet up and mourn. "If I had known that my husband was going to kill himself over a sandwich, I wouldn't have given it to him." The brunette cries. "Same," the raven head replies. They both look at the blonde. "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch!"

[Jimbuna]

A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked.
The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

[Jimbuna]

Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.
One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in.
Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in.
The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.
"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.
"These are Carol's."

[Jimbuna]

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

[Jimbuna]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Jimbuna]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

[Eisenwurst]

Not a Joke , but a true story.

Back in the '80s one of my workmates had to provide a urine sample for his doctor. So he did it in an empty plastic orange juice bottle and put it in the fridge in the lunchroom at work. Good hygiene.

His girlfriend was working alongside him, earning some extra money for xmas. So it being a hot day and feeling thirsty:) she heads to the lunch room for a drink of water.

She comes back a few minutes later pulling all sorts of faces. She says "you should chuck out that orange juice in the fridge, it's gone off, it's the worst I've ever tasted".

All us guys just didn't say a word.

[Jimbuna]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Jimbuna]

I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the hell are you looking at?"
I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

[Jimbuna]

A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me."
The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"

[Jimbuna]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."
"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

[Jimbuna]

China, Russia and North Korea venture to space. China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest. Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest. North Korea says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

[Jimbuna]

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

[Jimbuna]

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

[Jimbuna]

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

[Sailor Steve]

So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday, and went over to Wal*Mart to get a small 9mm pistol for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun-control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was telling me how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little easier for seniors.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

[Jimbuna]

A Brazilian, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian were in a plane. The pilot told them that they have to jump out of the plane when they find their country. The Brazilian jumped out when he saw the Christ the Redeemer statue. The Frenchman jumped out when he saw the Eiffel Tower. When it was the Nigerian's turn the pilot asked, "When will you jump?" The Nigerian put his hand outside the plane window. When he brought it back in, his watch was gone. He said, "Ah, we've reached my country."

[Jimbuna]

Two men from Dublin are walking to the annual Dublin Fair, when it starts to rain. "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining."
"I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it."
"Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?"
"I didn't think it would rain."

[Jimbuna]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[Jimbuna]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a politician!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

[Jimbuna]

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

[Jimbuna]

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

[Jimbuna]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Jimbuna]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[Jimbuna]

A Dung Beetle walked into a pub and asked the barman "Is this stool taken?"

[Jimbuna]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep sh!t."

[Jimbuna]

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."

[Jimbuna]

George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Dick Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Cheney took George W. outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver, without saying a word, drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!"
"No kidding," replied George W., "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

[Aktungbby]

CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JUST GOT 'ELECTED' PRESIDENT-FOR-LIFE; OVERTURNING 2 TERM-LIMITS THOUGHTFULLY IMPOSED AFTER THE THE DEATH OF CHAIRMAN MAO One lesson that China drew from the upheavals of the Cultural Revolution was the danger of concentrating power in one supreme, unassailable leader who ruled for life.....I SURE HOPE HE AVOIDS THE FORUM ON THE IDES OF MARCH....AND DOESN'T COTTON TO WEARING WHITE SHEETS...http://art.thewalters.org/images/art/large/l_pl1_37884_fnt_tr_c80iii-8.jpg'CAUSE 'NUTHIN' GOOD GOES OUTTA STYLE' BBY!:x :oops: :dead:

[Jimbuna]

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING: Paul Gascoigne has arrived at the Sky Sports studio with some chicken and cans of lager, claiming to be a friend of Jamie Carragher.

[Jimbuna]

One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. When he arrives in his pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry. Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr. Kerry, with George W. Bush and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Cheney leans over and pulls him out. Then George W. Busy and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach.
The pope says to the men, "I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings." The pope packs off and drives out of site.
Bush asks, "Who was that?"
"That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing and in touch with God. Leader of the Catholic Church," says Cheney.
Bush says, "Well that's all neat and fine, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?"

[Jimbuna]

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

[Jimbuna]

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[Mr Quatro]

Fits here, right?

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/41/6c/6c/416c6cff1ac517fa93a1bc7b86a399a4.jpg

[Jimbuna]

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

[Eichhörnchen]

https://i.imgur.com/k6AwmKG.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,"
His wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?"
His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

[Jimbuna]

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, "Who are you?"
The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."
Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever."
The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish."
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million pound every week of my life."
The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan."
Dylan said, "No way!"
The genie replied, "Not even for a million pound a week?"
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves."
Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, "Forty-five."
The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

[Jimbuna]

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"
She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

[Commander Wallace]

https://sundriedtomatoe.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/far-side-eat-like-kings.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

[Jimbuna]

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"
The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."
The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?"
The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

[Jimbuna]

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.”
The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

[Jimbuna]

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

[Jimbuna]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honour, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passes the minister £100 and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the vicar and hisses, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar puts £100 into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."

[Jimbuna]

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

[Commander Wallace]

^ :haha:

[Jimbuna]

A young man and woman got married. At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet. Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances. Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife. One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon. The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
"Well" she said, "I suppose now would be the right time."
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside. On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million pounds! "Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll," said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful. He absolutely couldn't believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
"That is amazing!" said the husband to his wife. "Honey, I'm grateful beyond belief you've only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million pounds?"
"Oh, honey" said the wife, "That's the money I got from selling the dolls."

[Jimbuna]

A young couple are on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make."
She says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

[Jimbuna]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

[Jimbuna]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Jimbuna]

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother.
"And why not?" asks Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"
Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor."
"Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

[Jimbuna]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You swine! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh hell, it started!”

[Jimbuna]

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

[Mr Quatro]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess." :o

[Buddahaid]

Ouch! :arrgh!:

[magic452]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot ?

He replied, "well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, the early Grummans... flew a wildcat and Corsair in WWII and later in the Korea conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more that 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, you, what are you ?

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I take a shower, I think about about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think about naked women.

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot ?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'M a LESBIAN

Magic

[Jimbuna]

Two crackers :haha:

[Jimbuna]

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

[Jimbuna]

A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's."
The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the hell? The fridge is working fine!"

[Jimbuna]

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

[Jimbuna]

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

[Eichhörnchen]

https://i.imgur.com/bgEHIHw.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new kitchen.”

[Jimbuna]

There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get kinky with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special.
The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.”
The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!”
The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a beer. Then he plops down on the couch and says, "Hey Batman! Where the hell is dinner?!?'"

[Jimbuna]

On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

[Jimbuna]

There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, "This is the first time that I know where my husband is going."

[Jimbuna]

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you."
The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?"
The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"

[Jimbuna]

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

[Jimbuna]

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."

[Catfish]

Imagine your son's name is Allah Akbar.

And you lose him in a mall.

[magic452]

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first
to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion
, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"


"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex
again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at
night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day
it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”

[Jimbuna]

A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked, "Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!"

[Jimbuna]

The five most important qualities in a woman: one who is independent and helps around the house, one who can make you laugh, one who you can trust, one who is good in bed, and most importantly, one who should make sure these four women never meet.

[Jimbuna]

A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now." The husband replied, "You have really good eye sight!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, "Is this someone you knew?"
The first guy says, "Yes, it was my wife."
The second guy says, "It must be hard to lose a wife."
The first guys replies, "Yep, damn near impossible."

[Jimbuna]

A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, "Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?" The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, "Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

[Jimbuna]

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

[Eichhörnchen]

https://i.imgur.com/MIOQMIS.jpg

[Eisenwurst]

Some schoolboys are talking about what they did on their school holidays.

"I got outside upstairs with big Janice". Says one.

The next kid says, "that's nothin'. I got inside upstairs with Betty Joe".

The last kid, thin, spotty, and really nerdy, says " ha ha I beat youse both. I got inside downstairs round the back with the Headmaster's wife."

"What???!!!! Bull____". His 2 mates say.

"No, it's true" he says. "She gave me sixpence to carry a bag of coal down to her basement coal cellar".

[Jimbuna]

John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. John said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.” “Wow!" said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

[Jimbuna]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

[Catfish]

"The time machine works! I just came back and killed Adolf Hitler!"
"Who?"

[Jimbuna]

John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca. He said, "Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?"
To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he asked excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm.'"
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Had your Lunch??
Husband: Had your Lunch??
Wife: I am asking you??
Husband: I am asking you??
Wife: You Copying me??
Husband: You Copying me??
Wife: Lets go Shopping.
Husband: I had my Lunch.

[Platapus]

“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

Nah, I tried that. It usually just turns out to the the first word in the next argument.

[Jimbuna]

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

[Jimbuna]

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"
God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
"God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, it's a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?"
"Wait a minute."

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

[mikesn9]

Chatting with the guys over lunch, one says:
"Sure, I had pigs in a blanket once, but the next morning, I sent the
in-laws Home."

[Jimbuna]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

[Jimbuna]

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[Jimbuna]

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

[Jimbuna]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

[Jimbuna]

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands on, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?"
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?"
The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

[Jimbuna]

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”
Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’”
“Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

[Jimbuna]

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'"
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?"
The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

[Jimbuna]

Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, "You think I'm a fool? Try finding that!"

[Jimbuna]

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement."
Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!"
The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!"
Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!"
The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?"
"I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

[Jimbuna]

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?"
The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me."
The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

[Jimbuna]

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."

[Jimbuna]

A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I'll be good for a whole week."
He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, "I can't be good for a whole week, I'll be good for five days."
He crosses that out and writes, "I'll be good for four days."
Then he thinks again and says, "Can't do that."
He gets down to one day and says, "I can't even be good for a day."
Then in frustration, goes in his mother's room and get the statue of the Virgin Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says, "Dear Jesus, if I don't get a bike for Christmas, you'll never see your mother again!"

[Jimbuna]

Pedro lives in an orphanage. One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands clasped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?"
Pedro replies, "Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians.
Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?"
Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies."
Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies.
The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?"
Again Pedro replies, "Father I have Pussy willows-" "Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"

[mikesn9]

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

[Jimbuna]

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

[Jimbuna]

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”

[Eichhörnchen]

https://i.imgur.com/2xG3KjP.gif

[Buddahaid]

That's soooo cheeeesy!

:arrgh!:

[fireftr18]

That's soooo cheeeesy!

:arrgh!:

No it's not, it's nutty! :salute:

[Buddahaid]

No it's not, it's nutty! :salute:

Ummm, more of a cheesy nut really.

:arrgh!:

[Jimbuna]

A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try," he says.
The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What happened?" asks the priest.
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

[Jimbuna]

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been.
The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?"
The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"

[Jimbuna]

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

[Jimbuna]

A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?”
A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”
“Very good!” says the group leader.
One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”
“That's wonderful!” the group leader comments.
One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.”
The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”
“Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”

[Jimbuna]

Three religious leaders (a rabbi, a priest, and a minister) were all discussing how they divide up tithing income between themselves and God.
The minister said, "I draw a line in the sand, throw the money up in the air, and what lands on the left side of the line goes to the good Lord and what lands on the right side goes to me."
Then the priest said, "I draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and what lands inside the circle goes to the good Lord and what lands outside goes to me."
Then the rabbi said, "You got it all wrong! I throw the money up in the air and what the good Lord catches is his and what lands on the ground is mine."

[Platapus]

And the Televangelist just looks at them strangely and tells them that he just has direct deposit into the off-shore account.

[Jimbuna]

A new priest does his first mass. He is very nervous and he stammers his way through. Afterwards, he approaches the Monsignor to ask how he thought it went.
"Well," says the monsignor, "Try a little wine before you do your next mass."
So the next time the priest delivers a real fire and brimstone sermon, after which he asks the monsignor, "How did I do this time?"
The fellow clergyman replies, "You did well, son, but I need to clear up a few of your misconceptions. First off, it was the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.' Next, David slew Goliath; he didn't 'whip the sh!t out of him.' And last of all we are planning a taffy pulling contest here at St. Peter, not a 'Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.'

[Mr Quatro]

https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30698539_1680700408675289_2832743350156264998_n.jp g?_nc_cat=0&oh=7ed509a5d8b95d1f995ed184dee1abfc&oe=5B59182A

[Jimbuna]

At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.

The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.

The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!

The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?

No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

[Catfish]

lol Jim most of those jokes here i have already heard in the 1970ies, in Germany. Only exception ist the tim-booked-two (bucked?), which was 1989 :haha:

[mikesn9]

But, catfish, they are new here, and all the younger guys have never heard them.

[Jimbuna]

The old uns are still the best :03:

[Jimbuna]

Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping. As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold beer would go down great tonight!"
"Indeed," the other nun replies, "but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?"
"Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack."
The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the beer to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'"
Without hesitation the cashier bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, saying "The curlers are on the house."

[Jimbuna]

Bishop TD Jakes is returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrives, there is a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas. As he prepares to get into the limo, he stops and speaks to the driver. "You know," he says, "I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver says, "No problem."
Bishop TD Jakes gets into the driver's seat, and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sits a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo goes by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulls out, easily catches the limo, and gets out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walks up to the driver's door, and when the glass is rolled down, he is surprised to see who is driving. He immediately excuses himself, goes back to his car, and calls his supervisor. He tells the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asks, "Is it the Governor?"
The young trooper says, "No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor says, "Oh, so it's the President."
The young trooper says, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asks, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper says, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got TD Jakes for a chauffeur!!!"

[Jimbuna]

One fine day, a priest, a rabbi, and a high priestess decide to all go fishing. They manage to get to the water, and off they go. One hour later, the high priestess says, "I think I forgot the food!" She steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets the picnic basket, and walks back!
As they are eating, the priest thinks, "What a display. Jeez, where does she get off walkin' on the water?"
Right then, the rabbi says, "Oye! I forgot the drinks." He steps right off the boat, and walks across the water to get the drinks.
By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses himself, and as the priest steps out of the boat, he falls in the water.
The high priestess turns to the rabbi and says, "You think we should have told him about the rocks?"

[Jimbuna]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!"
And the priest says, "No son, you're not."
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."
Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"

[Jimbuna]

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[Jimbuna]

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service.
Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think £5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?"
The preacher relied, "Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

[Jimbuna]

The biggest swindler in the world dies and finds himself before the gates of Heaven and St. Peter, who says, "Come on in man!"
Confused, the swindler questions, "But I thought I would be going to Hell for all of the bad things I did."
St. Peter replies, "Oh, we don't keep records here, it's too much work!"
The swindler goes in, and is once again surprised to see tons of beautiful girls whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, "Why are they doing that?"
St. Peter answers, "Ah, those are all of our virgins. They just found out we don't keep records, too!"

[Jimbuna]

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

[Eichhörnchen]

Saw this today... a joke told by Barry Crier:

"My mobile phone is so old it has an Alastair Sim card"

[Jimbuna]

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

[Jimbuna]

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"
He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class."
She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

[Jimbuna]

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

[Jimbuna]

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten pond note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the tenner to the teacher.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns £500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."

[Jimbuna]

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”

[Jimbuna]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Jimbuna]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

[Jimbuna]

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God responded, ”So you would love her.”
The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God replied, “So she would love you.”

[Jimbuna]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

[Jimbuna]

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?"
“Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!"
At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.
"Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!"
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!"
"Then, who is it?"
Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"

[Jimbuna]

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status."
Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?"
The guide answered, "Land mines."

[Jimbuna]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[Jimbuna]

A Man Utd fan, a TOON fan, and a Sunderland fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Man Utd fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for Man Utd!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the TOON fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for Newcastle!" and pushes the Sunderland fan off the mountain.

[ChrisTayeb]

Many must already know this short one but I try my luck

A man who is a strong believer in The Almighty has only one wish which is to win the lottery and its big prize

So he goes everyday to a local church and asks:
"Oh God, Oh my Lord, I only ask your help to win the lottery, nothing else, please make me win the lottery, this my only request toward you."

And the man goes on everyday in hope and extend his prayers until he begins to stay on his knees for hours as long as days.
He even starts to wake up in the middle of the night to pray in his bedroom solemnly begging.

One day while praying a very bright light appears, and a voice echoes down from the heavenly light and says:

"I have heard your request and have gave consent, but play you idiot!"

[Jimbuna]

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

[Jimbuna]

Three football teams (Arsenel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsenel says, "I think we might go hungry..."

[Jimbuna]

Two elderly sisters donated £5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

[Jimbuna]

Three doctors are out geese-hunting. A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese."
Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first."
Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky. "What were those things, anyway?" he asks.

[Jimbuna]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Jimbuna]

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

[Eisenwurst]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZpa-tY8hzI

[Jimbuna]

Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o
Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officer:Double click on ur computer..
Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer:“My Computer”..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.

[Jimbuna]

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?"
The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."
The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"
The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

[Jimbuna]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[Jimbuna]

A man who is just married is flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride is to accompany him the next day. When he gets there, he e-mails his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sends the e-mail, he mistypes the address.
In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints.
Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18 year old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that reads, "Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

[Jimbuna]

A man is telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me £5000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answers the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"12:30."

[Jimbuna]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and lets go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door.
The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this woman!"
The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."

[Jimbuna]

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return."
Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time.
The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar."
The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

[Jimbuna]

A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"

[mikesn9]

A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"


BOO! HISSSSSS!

chuckle.

[Peter Cremer]

A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"


Uma Thurmans line in the movie 'Pulp Fiction'. She told it to John Travolta.

[Jimbuna]

Bernie and Jane are an elderly couple who have decided to get married late in life. While they have not yet been intimate, Bernie thinks it would be a good idea to know how Jane feels about this. He asks her about her desires regarding frequency of sexual intimacy. Jane replies that she likes sex infrequently. Bernie, being ever the optimist says, "Is that one word or two?"

[Jimbuna]

A tourist from Romania visits New York City. He wanders around sightseeing and gets lost. He asks one of the locals for directions to get back to his hotel. The local notices the tourist's foreign accent and asks, "Are you by any chance Russian?" The Romanian replies, "No, I'm not really in a hurry."

[Jimbuna]

Just heard on the radio that the average swallow flys about 73’000 miles a year across 17 countries without a satnav. Big deal, I travel without a satnav all the time. I think it’s more impressive that they don’t need a passport.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation in court.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?”
He smiles and says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

[Jimbuna]

Why is it when an old person comes up to me at a wedding as says “You’re next” its somehow socially acceptable but when I do the same to them at funeral I get into trouble?

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place today at the hospital after the doctor told me I’ve only got 3 weeks to live.

Me: Is there nothing you can give me to help?
Doctor: Try drinking 1 litre of olive oil every day
Me: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No but it will make your cremation a lot quicker.

[Von Due]

After the doc had examined John, he left the office to fetch the printouts, not saying a word, leaving John feeling a bit uneasy. Shortly after the doctor came back in, looked at John then said
"I am afraid I have some bad news. You only have 5 left"
John looked up in shock and half shouted "5? 5 what? Years? Months?"
"4..."

[Jimbuna]

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

[Jimbuna]

A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the barbers today and asked to get my hair cut like Justin Bieber. He totally shaved my head bald. I said “What the hell have you done. Justin Bieber doesn’t have his hair cut like this!!”, the barber said “He would if he came into my shop.”

[Jimbuna]

I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.

He said “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”

[Jimbuna]

If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

[Eichhörnchen]

https://i.imgur.com/LQ9MYDt.jpg

I found this on a Facebook page 'Shropshire Paranormal Investigators Group'... at the top it says "Send a message", but you can guess what I wanted to say

[Jimbuna]

I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.

[JU_88]

Dad: Hi Son, where you off to?
Son: A party
Dad Ok well, don't forget to wear a ..... y'know
Son: A what?
Dad: y'know.
Son: A rubber?
Dad: No a hat, you ginger c....

[Jimbuna]

The man who invented auto-correct spell checking died today.
Restaurant in peace.

[Jimbuna]

I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden.

[Jimbuna]

Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.”
Boss: “Don’t give me that!”
Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”

[Jimbuna]

Me: Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down.
Boss: What about the bus?
Me: I don’t have a bus.

[Jimbuna]

I cant believe some people. You give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly she’s not friends with you any more.

[Von Due]

Was at this party when I noticed I had lost my watch. Looking around I saw this Don Juan fellow sweet talking my wife. Sizeing him up I spotted he was standing on my watch. I went over and punched him. I wasn't going to have any of that. Not on my watch.

[Von Due]

Metronome: A short person from the big city.

[Jimbuna]

Went to a barbershop today for a shave. The barber wanted me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth to get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I said: “What if I swallow the ball?”
He said: “No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

[mikesn9]

Max and Jerry were playing one afternoon.
The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women,
originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway.
I'll go and ask if we can go through," said Max to Jerry.

Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.
"Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going.
That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress."
Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max.
"I say," he said, "what a coincidence."

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the gypsy who won the lottery? They paid him with travelers cheques.

[Jimbuna]

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Yes!!
Boss: That’s good, because after you left early yesterday for your grandmother’s funeral she came into the office to see you.

[Jimbuna]

Was playing charades last night and my uncle suffered a stroke! Unfortunately it took quite a while to phone an ambulance because we were all shouting “Sylvester Stallone! Sylvester Stallone!”

[mikesn9]

Maurice was not having a good day on the golf course.
After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurice. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

[Jimbuna]

The guy who owns the local cinema just died.

His funeral is on Monday at 12:10, 14:20 and 18:40.

[Jimbuna]

Waitress: Sorry for keeping you waiting sir.
Me: That’s ok. Did you know that this salt pot contains 22,358 individual grains of salt?

[Mr Quatro]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine".

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket"

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part.......

"Only when he's been drinking."

[Jimbuna]

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security don’t like it when you shout ‘hi-Jack’.

[Jimbuna]

Feeling excited today. Just graduated from the police academy and also read in my horoscope that I’m gonna be meeting a tall dark stranger. Looking forward to trying out my new taser.

[Eisenwurst]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfyHUrL2O6g

[Jimbuna]

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Instead, there would just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.

[Jimbuna]

Twenty-six years after the Chernobyl disaster, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

[Jimbuna]

Ban pre-shredded cheese…. Make Britain grate again!!

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that people who own guns are considered a danger to society but it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to own a meat clever and a human-sized freezer?

[Jimbuna]

Top 5 worst things to say to airport security.

1. This pat-down is really turning me on.
2. I have a sword in my pants.
3. Would you like to buy some cocaine? I can give you a special deal.
4. Why don’t you get a real job you fat idiot?
5. Can you hurry up please? My bomb is due to explode in about 30 minutes!

[Catfish]

^ you forgot naming your son Allah Akbar, and then lose him at the airport.

[Jimbuna]

It’s sad how scary travelling has become since terrorism started.
I remember the old days when seeing an unattended bag made you feel happy because you could take it home without feeling scared and sometimes it had a laptop inside.

[Platapus]

It is easy to disprove the "flat earth" theory

If the earth were indeed flat, by now cats would have knocked everything off the earth.

[Jimbuna]

Marks and Spencer have recently announced they are going to merge with Poundstrecher.

The new supermarket will be called StrechMarks.

[Jimbuna]

The world is a funny place. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings, now we have Countries…

[Jimbuna]

The UK government has recently referred to payday loan companies as “idiotic” for trying to target children and get them into debt. I agree, everyone knows the best way to get a child into debt is to offer them a student loan.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/7wNof06.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Earlier today Prince Philip sent a message to the President wishing him a happy Independence Day. His message said “You did a great job destroying the alien mothership and humanity is forever grateful.”

[Skybird]

Hein Döskopp meets his doctor and tells him: "My pointing finger, it is crooked and stiff, I don't know what it is." The doctor says "May I see it?", and Hein raises his hand and shows his finger and yes, the pointing finger is crooked like a fishing hook, and stiff. And the doctor grabs it and tries to pull it and bend it and move it, but all effort is to no avail. Says the doctor: "This is weired, I have no idea what and why it is so. How was your finger before?" And Hein stretches his finger straight and says: "Like this."

[Jimbuna]

Tried to do some bitcoin mining last night, I now have a pickaxe stuck in my PC.

[Jimbuna]

Just been arrested at the airport. Apparently “How many do you need?” is a bad response to the question “Do you have any firearms?”

[Jimbuna]

I heard on the radio today that a warlord in Afghanistan has purchased over 3 million poppies. It’s great to see Islamic military leaders showing their respect to the British Armed Forces.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen Simon Cowell drowning in my local swimming pool so I saved him ……….. as my profile picture on facebook.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/Rtft1lZ.jpg

[Jimbuna]

What do Santa Claus and Lee Harvey Oswald have in common?

They can both be in two places at once.