The joke thread II

[Platapus]

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What does a cheetah say when someone looks at it?
A: "I've been spotted!"

[Jimbuna]

I drove my sister's guinea pig to the vet this morning. My new golf clubs work great!

[Jimbuna]

Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, a rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack. Suddenly, a federal bureaucrat rushed up and breathlessly screamed, "Wait, there's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent." "I don't know what y`all do in Washington," drawled the rancher taking aim again, "but out here the coyotes eat the sheep."

[Platapus]

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

[Platapus]

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

[Jimbuna]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

[Jimbuna]

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

[Platapus]

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

[Platapus]

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

[Jimbuna]

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

[Platapus]

If you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.


True fact

[Platapus]

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

[Catfish]

If you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
True fact
Maybe. I think those missing socks are a sacrifice to the washing machine god.

[Platapus]

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free to do what you wand. It means I am doing nothing.

[Platapus]

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

[Jimbuna]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[Jimbuna]

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.

[Platapus]

At my age, I run like the winded.

[Platapus]

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

[Jimbuna]

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

[Jimbuna]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Platapus]

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

[Platapus]

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

[Jimbuna]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

[Jimbuna]

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

[Jimbuna]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

[Platapus]

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

[Platapus]

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.



We call those people police officers.

[Jimbuna]

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

[Jimbuna]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

[Platapus]

I once dated a blonde. Oh boy was she dumb
One morning she tried to make me French Toast and got her tongue stuck in the toaster. -- rd

[Jimbuna]

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

[Platapus]

Throughout history, half of females have been working women...


The other half have been working men. :D

[Jimbuna]

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!!

[Jimbuna]

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

[Jimbuna]

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[Mr Quatro]

https://i.postimg.cc/RhjZdhB6/126807012-113144663946004-6616488165563503398-o.jpg (https://postimg.cc/dZjFtqDw)

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."

[Jimbuna]

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

[Jimbuna]

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Mr Quatro]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSpSpk1EhGo6YXaSZbd2OR96yoHopH34 TC7Xw6dJaUvYHF72WdYmziJTCAQUh8ucdB_DKzUAdE6vkZWtNH bzg6AqtnoqwHKM0Q&usqp=CAU&ec=45732302

[Jimbuna]

A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

[August]

Blonde jokes are racist.

[Jimbuna]

Blonde jokes are racist.

Crikey! don't tell my wife that :o

[Jimbuna]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!" The cop believes it's a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!"

[Jimbuna]

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

[Eisenwurst]

Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says "Bugger, I forgot to lock the office safe before we left".

The other politician replies "No worries, we're both here."

[Catfish]

It's that time of the year, so
"How to build a snowman in 2020"

Built a snowman.
A women's libber comes by and complains there's no snowwoman.
Nursery teacher walks by and complains about the indicated breasts of the Snowwoman.
The gay man from vis-à-vis says there should be two snowmen.
The vegan from over the street is angry about the waste of root vegetables.
Someone calls me a racist brcause the snow is white.
Fatma from around the corner demands a headscarf for the Snowwomen.
Police arrives and closely watches the scenario.
The SEK (~SWAT/SCO19) arrives because the broomstick could be used as a blunt weapon.
The IS claims responsibility.
My mobile phone is being seized and checked while i am blindfolded and transported to the Federal Prosecutor General via helicopter.
The regulatory agency steps up and demands 1000 Euros fine because Snowmen and Snowwomen do not wear masks and for not keeping minimum contact distance.
The snow melts and i am being accused of destroying evidence.

Snowman building in 2020, i was there.

[Jimbuna]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a magic mirror. If you lie to the mirror you die. The redhead says, "I look fat," and dies. The brunette says, " I look skinny," and dies. The blonde says, "I think..." and dies.

[Platapus]

I made sure that my son wore his eye glasses during his math exam
I heard that it helps with division

[Eisenwurst]

First Nun - "I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't swear......"

Second Nun - "Right on Sister".

First Nun - "%@!(, I left my $#@%%^& smokes at the pub".

[Jimbuna]

There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better. The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music." The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled." The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"

[Jimbuna]

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

[Jimbuna]

A blonde, redhead, and a brunette were thinking about what they would do if they went to space. The redhead said, "I would adopt a martian." The brunette said, "I would give Pluto some steroids." The Blonde said, "I would go to the sun." The redhead replied, "But you would burn up and die." The blonde responded, "Not if I went at night."

[Jimbuna]

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks." The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.

[Jimbuna]

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

[Jimbuna]

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

[Catfish]

"I believe Trump was sent by god."
"Why, do you believe he ran out of locusts?"

[Jimbuna]

Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'
This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'
Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'

[Jimbuna]

A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.

[Jimbuna]

A blonde is wearing a pair of socks that don't match, one is red and the other is white. Her friend sees her out and says, "You know your socks don't match, right? You're wearing one red sock and one white sock." The blonde responds, "That's so weird! I have another pair just like it in my drawer at home."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

[Jimbuna]

A blonde and a brunette are watching a TV show. The brunette bets the blonde $10 that the man in the episode would jump off a bridge. The man jumps off the bridge and blonde pays the brunette $10. The brunette feels guilty because she had already seen the episode, so she confesses to the blonde. The blonde says, "I've seen it too, but I didn't think he would jump again."

[Jimbuna]

A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, "Pull over!" The blonde responds, "No Silly, it's a scarf."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde gets lost and calls for directions. The operator asks which cross streets she's at. The blonde replies, "I'm on the corner of Walk and Do Not Walk."

[Jimbuna]

A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"

[Jimbuna]

A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk, “Where do you keep the curtains for computers?” The clerk answers with a puzzled face, “Curtains for computers? You don’t need curtains for computers.” The blonde’s eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers, “Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!”

[Jimbuna]

Q: How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

[Jimbuna]

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener!"

[Jimbuna]

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "California."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "All of me."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says, "You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver's licence." The blonde asks, "What does that look like?" The blonde cop answers, "It is rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies, "Oh, I didn't know you were also an officer. You can go!"

[Platapus]

When I was in college, a fraternity would not let me join because I was circumcised.


I guess to be a member of that frat one had to be a complete dick

[Jimbuna]

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

[Jimbuna]

One blonde was on one side of the river and there was another blonde on the other side of the river. One blonde yells to the other blonde, "How do you get to the other side?" and the other blonde yells back, "You are on the other side!"

[Jimbuna]

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read "1 Hour Only," but she wanted 2 hours to shop so she parked across 2 spaces.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the blondes that froze to death at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it." Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, "Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"

[Jimbuna]

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?" They chuckle and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

[Jimbuna]

Blonde: "What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?"
Redhead: "Y."
Blonde: "Because I want to know. Why do you have to question everything?!"

[Platapus]

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?


One or two?


One or two?

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why were there bullet holes in the mirror?
A: A blonde tried killing herself.

[Jimbuna]

Two blondes were trapped in an elevator. One was crying in the corner and the other one was shouting, ''HELP! HELP!" Then the one crying had an idea, ''Why don't we shout together?'' "Okay," said the other blonde. ''TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

[Platapus]

Today, I found, under my son's bed, some gay pornographic magazines.


It confirmed the greatest fear that a father can have for his son.



I have to accept it and come to terms with the reality.



(deep breath)


My...my son (sob) My son does not know how to use the internet. :oops::wah::oops:

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why do blondes leave empty beer cans in their refrigerator?
A: For their friends that don't drink.

[Jimbuna]

A Guy urgently needed a few days off work,
But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave.
he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell him to take a few days off.
So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling &
Made funny noises.
His co-worker (who's blonde)! asked him what he was doing.
He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" & give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What are you doing?"
He told him he was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."
He jumped down & walked out of the office...
When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him,
The Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

[Jimbuna]

Brunette: "Do you see that dead bird?"
Blonde: [looks up] "OMG! Where is it?"

[Jimbuna]

Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk. The first blonde said, "Hey, look at that dog with one eye," so the second blonde covered up one eye.

[Platapus]

My wife told me that I have two major faults


One is that I don't listen to her
The other is some other thing

[Jimbuna]

Mr. Brown was working in his garden when on the other side of the fence, he heard his neighbor crying. Mr. Brown popped his head over the fence and asked, "What's the matter Mary? What has upset you?" The blonde neighbor replied, "My dog has died and I'm going to bury it here." Mr. Brown said, "You only have one dog, so why have you dug three holes?" She answered, "The first two were too small."

[Jimbuna]

A man is sitting in a cafe. A blonde waitress approaches and asks for his order. “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream," he says. The blonde waitress replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

[Jimbuna]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. The blonde bartender doesn't get it.

[Jimbuna]

Two blondes were traveling to Disneyland, the sign said "Disneyland left" so they started crying and headed home.

[Jimbuna]

Three men are all working on building a house. They go up to the roof for lunch, and unwrapped their sandwiches. The Brunette says "if I get one more Tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The black haired one says "if I get one more pickle and lettuce sandwich, I, too, am going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The blonde looks at his sandwich and also declares, "if I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself." The next day, they all get the same sandwiches and kill themselves. That night, their wives all meet up and mourn. "If I had known that my husband was going to kill himself over a sandwich, I wouldn't have given it to him." The brunette cries. "Same," the raven head replies. They both look at the blonde. "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch!"

[Jimbuna]

A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

[Platapus]

Generally blondes are women and blonds are men

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the one about the astronaut who stepped in gum? A. He got stuck in Orbit.

[Jimbuna]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[Platapus]

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.







It’s December 31st.

[Platapus]

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square ...



... It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.:oops:

[Jimbuna]

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

[Jimbuna]

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

[Jeff-Groves]

In 20 years when my Grand kids ask about the toilet paper shortage of 2020?
I'm telling them We had to drag our butts across the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill. Both ways.
Dodging Murder Hornets!

[Buddahaid]

In 20 years when my Grand kids ask about the toilet paper shortage of 2020?
I'm telling them We had to drag our butts across the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill. Both ways.
Dodging Murder Hornets!

Harrumph!

[Platapus]

In 20 years when my Grand kids ask about the toilet paper shortage of 2020?
I'm telling them We had to drag our butts across the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill. Both ways.
Dodging Murder Hornets!


You had a lawn? Luxury
We used to dream of having a lawn
All we had was a minefield covered in broken glass. But it was a lawn to us.


We were thankful


Not like the kids these days :nope:

[Jimbuna]

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

[Jimbuna]

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Jimbuna]

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.

[Jimbuna]

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

[Platapus]

What do you call fake potatoes?


Imitaters

[Platapus]

In the Rudolph song, what was the name of the other reindeer that Santa had?


Olive


Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names....

[Platapus]

What is God's first name?


Harold


Our father, who art in heaven
Harold be thy name....

[Catfish]

"Rupert Murdoch, why are you opposed to the EU?"

Rupert Murdoch: "That's easy. When i go into Downing Street they do what i say. When i go to Brussels they take notice." (original quote)

[Jimbuna]

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

[Jimbuna]

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

[Jimbuna]

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

[Jimbuna]

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

[Jimbuna]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[Jimbuna]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep and I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Jimbuna]

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

[Jimbuna]

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.

[Jimbuna]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

[Jimbuna]

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

[Jimbuna]

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: "Breathe, stupid!"

[Jimbuna]

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

[Jimbuna]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

[Mr Quatro]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

Hey! Pick on the people from Wales and leave us Irishman alone :D

I have a joke for you, but it might take two more weeks to finish :yep:

Trump! :haha::haha::haha:

[Jimbuna]

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

[Jimbuna]

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

[Platapus]

Weddings are different these days. The latest one I attended ended with the minister saying


"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now update your facebook status"

[Jimbuna]

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

[Jimbuna]

Bob: "Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
Jim: "Oh my God, are you okay?"
Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."

[Von Due]

- Is there a doctor here?
- Yes, I am a doctor
- What's your specialty
- I'm a doctor in Mathematics
- Good God! My friend here is DYING!
- Minus one

[Platapus]

“What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”


At least he did not work for Heinz :o:o:o:o

[Jimbuna]

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

[Platapus]

Teacher asks the class to say a three syllable word and use it in a sentence.



Dirty Johnny raises hand, but the teacher wisely overlooks him and calls on Sally


Sally says "wonderful. My teacher is wonderful"


That's very nice, said the teacher, who wants to be next?


Dirty Johnny is standing up wildly waving his hands. The teacher, knowing Dirty Johnny chooses Bobby.


Bobby says "Beautiful. My teacher is beautiful.



The teacher smiles and asks for who wants to be next.


Dirty Johnny is jumping up and down "pick me!!!!!"


With great trepidation, the teacher says "go ahead"


Dirty Johnny proudly says "Urinate."


The teacher interrupts and says, "why did you choose that word?"


Johnny continues "but if you wore make-up, you could be a nine!"

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

[Jimbuna]

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

[Platapus]

I found an exercise that I can finally commit to doing


I call it Diddly-squats


Every day, I do diddly squat. This I will commit to.

[Buddahaid]

I found an exercise that I can finally commit to doing


I call it Diddly-squats


Every day, I do diddly squat. This I will commit to.

:up::haha:

[Jimbuna]

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."

[Jimbuna]

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

[Jimbuna]

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

[Platapus]

My wife told me to be sure to put ketchup on the grocery shopping list.


Now I can't read the damn thing!

[Platapus]

The doctor told me that he has some good news and some bad news.


I asked her to tell me the good news


The good news was that I had a month to live.


The bad news was that it is February.

[Jimbuna]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

[Jimbuna]

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

[Platapus]

Doctor came in to my room and told me that he as some good news and some bad news.


When asked about the bad news, he told me that I have 24 hours to live


I asked him what the good news was


He said "see that nurse over there? We have a date this Friday"

[Jimbuna]

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.

[Jimbuna]

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

[Platapus]

I confess that I am one of those people who encourage kids to run around in stores.



Of course, I make sure that their parents don't see me

[Jimbuna]

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

[Jimbuna]

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

[Jimbuna]

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

[Jimbuna]

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."

[Jimbuna]

Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.

[Jimbuna]

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

[mapuc]

In the warehouse of a major wine merchant, the old wine taster was dead and the boss was looking for a new one.
A retired sailor, drunk and with a dirty appearance came to apply for the position.
The boss wondered how to get rid of him, but gave him a glass to drink. The old sailor tasted it and said; -
It is a three-year-old Muscat, grown on a north-facing slope, matured in steel containers. Low class, but acceptable. "
"That's correct," the boss said, giving him another glass.
"It's an eight-year-old Cabernet, grown on a southwestern slope, matured in oak barrels at eight degrees. Requires three more years of storage for best results."
"Quite right," said the boss, giving him a third glass.
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high quality and exclusive," the drunken sailor said calmly.
The director was amazed and winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The drunken sailor tasted it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant for three months, and if I do not get the job ... I will tell who the father is."

Markus

[Jimbuna]

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

[Jimbuna]

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

[Platapus]

What's the difference between a poor golfer and a poor sky diver? The poor golfer goes "Whack. Damn." The poor sky diver goes "Damn. Whack."

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.

[Jeff-Groves]

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled, the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said: "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then weakly said: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

[Jimbuna]

Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

[Jimbuna]

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did the cross-eyed teacher say?
A: I can't control my pupils!

[Jimbuna]

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

[Platapus]

Did you see the fire over at the circus


it was in tents

[mapuc]

A blonde and her husband were sitting and listening to the radio.
The speaker said:
"We expect between 20 and 30 cm of snow tonight, so everyone
please park their cars on the odd side of the road so the snow plow can
come through."
The blonde goes out and moves the car ...
A week later it happens again:
"25 cm of snow is expected tonight, so everyone
please park their cars on the straight side of the road so the snow plow can
come through."
The blonde goes out and moves the car ...
3 days later, it's crazy again:
"A violent snowstorm is expected with
up to 40 cm. snow, so everyone please .... "
The power went out and the blonde did'n not know what to do.
- You know what? said her husband ..
"This time I think you should let the car stay in the garage .. '

Markus

[Jimbuna]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Jimbuna]

Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
A: Buy a deck of cards.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

[Jimbuna]

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

[Platapus]

My doctor asked me if I got regular exercise.


I asked her if having sex counts


She smiled and said that yes that counts


I told her "in that case, doctor, no I don't exercise"

[Jimbuna]

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Nobel."
"Nobel who?"
"No bell that's why I knocked."

[Platapus]

"knock knock"
"who's there?'
"Impatient Cow"
"Impatien"
"Moo!

[Jimbuna]

Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did the math book say to its therapist?
A: I've got a lot of problems.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Because chickens weren't around yet.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the mathematician who was constipated?


She worked it out with a pencil.

[Jimbuna]

Q: How do you make the number seven even?

A: Drop the "s."

[Jimbuna]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

[Platapus]

Q: Why are Tesla's so expensive?


A: Because they charge more

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?
A: He couldn't fit in the elevator

[Jimbuna]

Q: Can a match box?
A: No, but a tin can.

[Jimbuna]

Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."

[Jimbuna]

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

[Jimbuna]

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

[Jimbuna]

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

[Jimbuna]

''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

A: No ballroom.

[Jimbuna]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?" The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: "Someday my prints will come."

[Jimbuna]

A redneck's last words are always, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

[magic452]

A politician finally breaks down and visits a remote northern state Indian reservation. With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the senator asks the chief if there was anything the people need.

"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

The senator whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up.

"I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"

"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, the senator dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up.

"The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"

"We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night?
A: She was wondering if there really is a dog.

[Jimbuna]

Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!
Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.
Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!
This is BUSINESS.

[Armistead]

Dumbest Kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

[Eichhörnchen]

Q: Why do Russian policeman always travel in pairs?

A: The authorities require one who can read your papers, and a second to keep an eye on this dangerous intellectual

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”

[Jimbuna]

Bob: "Have you seen the movie Constipation?"
Jim: "No, it hasn't come out yet."

[Platapus]

Everyone had a good time at our autopsy club meeting


It was open Mike night

[Platapus]

I had a crush on this girl who had a lazy eye


She would not even look at me. :wah:

[Jimbuna]

A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "I'll be darned." A local pastor heard him and said, "You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls off say, 'Praise the Lord.'" So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "Praise the Lord." The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, "I'll be darned!"

[Jimbuna]

Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.

[Jimbuna]

An uneducated father with his educated son went camping
they set up a tent and slept
father gets up after some time and asks his son"what can you see in the sky?"
son:i can see many stars
father:what does it resemble?
son:there are many planets
father beats on his sons head and says "Someone has stolen our tent"

[Jimbuna]

Q: If an electric train is traveling north-by-northeast at 59 MPH, and the wind is blowing west at 18 MPH, which way is the smoke blowing?
A: There is no smoke; it's an electric train.

[Jimbuna]

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

[Catfish]

Don't know whether my translation is any good, but ..

The doctor tells the pregnant woman and husband that there is a new technique to take away some of the pain from the wife during birthing, transferring the pain to the father.
The couple looks at each other and the man says "Sure, let's do that!"
The doctor asks whether he really wants since the pain can be really bad, but the man still wants to try it.
So the new technique is being applied, and the woman gives birth to a beautiful baby without feeling much pain, the man sits motionless.
Asked whether he did not feel any pain the man just says "No really, it was ok!". Going home, on the threshold of their house they find the dead postman.

[Platapus]

I intend to use an fake ID to get my COVID shot


Probably won't work


But it is worth a shot

[Platapus]

Why do astronauts use Unix in their space crafts?


Everyone knows that it is a bad idea to open Windows in space

[Platapus]

ME: Doctor, I think I addicted to Twitter


Doc: I am sorry, I don't follow you

[Jimbuna]

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in. It's cold outside.

[Jimbuna]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

[Jimbuna]

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes.

[Jimbuna]

Q:what did one penny say to the other penny?
A:lets get together and make some cents!

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

[Jimbuna]

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

[Jimbuna]

You heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

[Jimbuna]

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

[Jimbuna]

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

[Platapus]

Water is heavier than Butane


Water is a fluid, but Butane is a lighter fluid.

[Jimbuna]

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

[Jimbuna]

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

[Jimbuna]

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

[Platapus]

Just had a really good date with a woman I met on-line.



She was witty and charming and really seemed to want to get to know me. It was refreshing to have someone interested in the little details of my life that make me, me.


Like my mother's maiden name
The name of my first pet
Where I went to elementary school



I think I may have found the one for me. :up:

[Jimbuna]

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

[Jimbuna]

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.