The joke thread II

[Platapus]

My Wife: Do you remember the dumbest thing you ever said to me?


Me: I do

[Jimbuna]

Once you get past a certain age “getting lucky” is the thing that happens when your remember where you put down your keys.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so ugly she can’t even attract mosquitos!

[Jimbuna]

People are really strange. When you scream in a library they tell you to shut up but when you do it on an airplane everyone joins in.

[magic452]

Five guys who play poker are in their regular Friday game when Bill thinks he has a hand that he can't lose, goes all in but finds out he just lost $1,000. He is so shocked that he has a heart attack and dies.

The rest of the group can't agree on who will tell Bill's wife so they decide to draw cards. Mike, who is the most insensitive guy in the group, draws the lowest card so he gets up to give the bad news to Bill's wife.

When Bill's wife answers the door, Mike tells her, "Bill lost $1,000 tonight and is worried about coming home." The angry wife yells, "If he lost $1,000 tell him to drop dead!" Mike answers, "OK, I'll tell him."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Q. What do cigarettes and cats have in common?

A. They’re both really bad for your health if you put them in your mouth and set fire to them.

[Jimbuna]

Do birds really “sing” or are they actually releasing tiny screams because they’re scared of heights?

[Jimbuna]

The health service in this country is a disgrace. My doctor told me to run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost and 90 miles away from home.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid that when she was making French toast she got her tongue stuck in the toaster.

[Platapus]

My son: Dad, I built a model of Mount Everest


Me: Is it to scale?


My son: (sighs) No dad, just to look at....

[Jimbuna]

My wife is so bad at cooking we usually pray after eating our food.

[Jimbuna]

Just had a strange conversation with my wife about getting a home-improvement loan. She offered me £5,000 to move out.

[Jimbuna]

My mate said “It must be strange having a surname like Head”

I said “It’s much worse for my uncle Dick”

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe I’ve been banned from Walmart. Apparently when the checkout girl said “strip down facing me” she was talking about my credit card.

[Jimbuna]

The wife and I were sitting on the couch watching the TV and it was boring so I thought I’d start a conversation.

Me: How many men have you had in total?
Wife: Are sure you want to know?
Me: Yeh, go on.
Wife: 7.
Me (after a pause): so I was number 7.
Wife: no, you were number 2.

[Jimbuna]

What flavour ice-cream do electricians like to eat?
Shock-a-lot!

[Jimbuna]

Psychic wanted: £500,000 per year offered including company car. Please email your CV to the address which appears in your crystal ball.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid that she tried to call Dr Pepper to discuss her health concerns.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat, she can’t even jump to conclusions.

[Platapus]

My wife just E-mailed me from her work


"Three women here just had flowers delivered to the office
And they were gorgeous!"


I replied: That's probably why?

[Platapus]

My wife: How many women have you slept with?


Me: Only you


My wife: So I am the only one? :)



Me: Sure, with all the other women we were too busy to sleep.

[Jimbuna]

My local church have now installed Wi-Fi to help improve communication. Are they finally admitting praying doesn’t work?

[Jimbuna]

My doctor told me today that I shouldn’t drink alcohol every day. “That’s fine”, I said, I only drink at night anyway.

[Jimbuna]

My wife´s suspicious mind is really begining to annoy me. Last night after looking at my calendar she wanted to know who May was.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid that she studied for a drugs test.

[Platapus]

As I was celebrating yet another advanced birthday, my wife kept whispering those three special words. Every birthday she makes it a point to whisper those same three words to me. It has become a tradition.


"Sign the will"

[Platapus]

I asked my wife how many men did she have sex with in her life.


She said nine.


So I was the ninth?


No, you were the fourth.


:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Q. What’s the difference between a collection of decapitated heads and a Ferrari?
A. I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

[Jimbuna]

Had a really great night out last night according to my police report.

[Jimbuna]

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security don’t like it when you shout ‘hi-Jack’.

[Jimbuna]

A girl only has one heart so playing around with it is wrong, play with her boobs instead, she’s got two of them.

[Aktungbby]

Always marry a spouse with better credit than yourself; that way, He/she is truely your 'significant other'....:hmmm: as in: "Sign-if-I-cant" better half!!?:Kaleun_Wink:

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid that when I told her Windows had no virus protection she called a builder.

[Jimbuna]

Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
The ultra sound guy.

[Tango589]

I went to see The Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra and the triangle player disappeared.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat that she played the part of the iceberg in the film Titanic.

[Jimbuna]

Schools have come under pressure recently as large numbers of students have been getting bad exam results. On the plus side pregnancy test results are at an all-time high.

[Jimbuna]

Threw a lemon into my friends face as a joke last week, he’s quite bitter about it.

[Jimbuna]

Don’t know why everyone suddenly thinks North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-Un is crazy. It was obvious after he made that song ‘Gangnam Style’ that something wasn’t quite right with him.

[Jimbuna]

Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me.

[Jimbuna]

I tried cooking with wine for the 1st time last night. After 5 glasses I can’t remember what happened and I woke up on the kitchen floor with an empty bottle.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversion took place in a Polish church.

Polish Man: I want to divorce my wife.
Priest: Why my son?
Polish Man: I think she is trying to kill me.
Priest: What makes you say this?
Polish Man: I found polish remover in the medicine cabinet.

[magic452]

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What do Santa Claus and Lee Harvey Oswald have in common?

They can both be in two places at once.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe???

Roberto

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she gets a cut she bleeds custard.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so ugly that she has to put a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

[Jimbuna]

My friend got me a book for my birthday called ‘Recipes for Cooking Road-kill’. I found some road-kill the other day, cooked it and it was delicious.. Not sure what to do with the bicycle though.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/Vvx8n2pk/345648733-998545237820495-8107194956356347546-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a 3-year-old boy and his mum while having a bath.

Boy: ‘Mum are these round things between my legs my brains?’
Mum: ‘No not yet!’

[Jimbuna]

Since his release on bail Oscar Pistorious has decided to spend the weekend clay pigeon shooting to relax. So far he’s accidentally killed 2 elephants and shot a Jeep that was on safari.

[Jimbuna]

My neighbor recently received an unexplained head injury while in his garden and had to go to hospital. Luckily his house is only a stones throw away from mine and I was able to find him and call for help.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the chameleon who could not change colors?


He had reptile dysfunction

[Jimbuna]

Yo mamas so dumb she bought tickets to see xbox live.

[Jimbuna]

This year has seen the coldest winter since records began for countries in the northern hemisphere. It’s been so cold that numerous politicians have actually been seen with their hands in their own pockets.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?

Cha Ching !

[Jimbuna]

Two birds were sitting on a tree and one looked at the other and said, ‘Dam today really FLEW by’.

[Jimbuna]

Prince Harry has heroically volunteered to destroy a cannabis field in Afghanistan. The mission will last over 2 weeks and Harry has requested additional food supplies to be made available.

[Jimbuna]

Yo Mama is so fat.. she’s got more Chins than a Chinese telephone directory!

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. If anybody does please send me your email address and we can drop them off tomorrow.

[Eichhörnchen]

Abe Lincoln's wife: "Honestly, would it kill you to take me to a show now & then?"

[Aktungbby]

...to which he responded humorously:"...only if you don't hang on me so ...you sockdologising ol' mantrap.":03:
Two things lincoln may have heard as the derringer round entered his occiput: The last words Lincoln heard were from the stage during the play “Our American Cousin.” At 10:15 p.m., actor Harry Hawk, playing the title role, stood alone on stage and aimed a laugh-out-loud line at a female character who had just exited: “Don’t know the manners of good society, eh? Well I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal — you sockdologizing old man-trap!” While Lincoln conversed with his wfe in the presidential box: "She [Mary] sat close to him and was leaning on his lap looking up at his face when the fatal shot was fired, his last words being in answer to her question 'What will Miss Harris [one of their guests in the presidential box] think of my hanging on to you so?'—'She won't think anything about it.'"

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid she thought seaweed was something spongebob smokes.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said “come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station”.

[Jimbuna]

Saw a female police officer stripping last night at a club.

I had no idea the recession had hit the police force this hard!

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she wants her photo taken she has to call Google Earth.

[Jimbuna]

What do dating and driving have in common?
They both involve being chased by the police if you go too fast.

[Jimbuna]

What happens when you give viagra to lawyers?

They grow taller.

[Jimbuna]

What did the guy with Leprosy say to the whore after they made love?
Keep the tip.

[Platapus]

I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend and people were yelling and calling me a pedophile.


It not only upset me, buy really ruined our 10th anniversary celebration.

[Admiral8Q]

I was at the supermarket and paying for my small purchase in cash.
The total was $4.25
So, I put down a five dollar bill, then a quarter (25 cents).
The cashier said, "That's more than what it costs."
Me, "I know, but you can just give me a dollar in change."
Cashier, "I'll have to check with my manager.""
Me, thinking, 'seriously?'. Anyways the manager finally arrived and said,
"We cannot accept that. The cash register must accept exact amounts." He gave me my quarter back and 3 other quarters in change.
Me, "Riiiiight. Cheerio, dummies." :salute: :haha:

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat that she causes traffic jams when she goes out walking.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat she doesn’t get a sun tan she gets crackling.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid, she tripped over a wireless phone.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mum’s so fat that when she steped on the scales it said 1 at a time please

[Jimbuna]

Pizza Hut has made an official complaint to Buckingham Palace for waisting staff time. Apparantly the Queen and her friend Maya Buttreeks ordered twenty ‘Hot 12″ Mexicans’ but refused to pay on delivery!

[Jimbuna]

Q. What do you do if your wife comes crawling back?

A. Drag her back into the garden and make sure you dig the hole deeper.

[Platapus]

There was one time when a woman decided what to have for dinner


The result was that both of them were kicked out of a garden.


Jus' sayin'

[Jimbuna]

Q:What do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you?

A:Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 episodes.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama has one eye and one leg, her name is eyelean.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she took her pants to the dry cleaners they said “sorry we don’t do curtains”

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat that she has to change the light bulb in her fridge every month.

[Jimbuna]

Knock knock.
whose there?
“Doorbell repair man“

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs?

Clever dick.

[Platapus]

I sent my wife a text :Your the best in bed


She replied: No. You're the best in bed


I felt pretty good about that......until I realized she was just correcting my grammar.


:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so poor that when she goes to KFC she has to lick other peoples fingers.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so nasty that when I called her on the phone she gave me an ear infection.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat, if she wears a yellow shirt and goes on a trampoline people think she is the sun.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between an actor and a politician? An actor has better script writers with more believable story-lines.

[Jimbuna]

Yo Mama is so ugly that she has to do trick or treat over the phone!

[Jimbuna]

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she walks past me at a football match I miss 20 min of the game!!!!!!

[Jimbuna]

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

[Jimbuna]

A man and a woman begin having sex in the middle of a field. After about 10 minutes, the man gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a torch!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

[Jimbuna]

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years, didn’t want to interrupt her.

[Jimbuna]

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

[Jimbuna]

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.

[Jimbuna]

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Jimbuna]

Twenty-six years after the Chernobyl disaster, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

[Jimbuna]

An irish farmer sees a welsh farmer carrying 2 sheep under his arms, and asks, “are you gonna shear them?
.”No”.says the Welshman..
.”they”re both for me”.

[Jimbuna]

Two Irish men talking in a bar, Mick and Paddy.

“So Paddy what’s your ringtone?” says Mick
“I’ve never looked Mick but I would imagine it’s a light brown colour”.

[Jimbuna]

A girl went to a doctors surgery with a Strawberry up her bottom, The doctor said I’ve got some “Cream” For that.

[Jimbuna]

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…

“Mr Cook?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “That’s ridiculous – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

[Platapus]

My wife could not understand why I was mad at her for being lazy


"But, I haven't done anything!" she retorted

[Jimbuna]

What’s green and smells like yellow paint?

Green Paint

[Jimbuna]

Your Mom is so fat she needs a lifeguard for her cereal bowl.

[Jimbuna]

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

[Platapus]

What is Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?




Wendy's

[Jimbuna]

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

[Jimbuna]

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

[Jimbuna]

When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?

When it becomes apparent.

[magic452]

An old married couple just learned how to text so the wife decides to send a romantic note and she writes:
"If you are eating send me a taste
If you are drinking send me a sip
If you are laughing send me a smile
If you are asleep send me a dream"

After a few minutes, the husband texts back;
"I'm on the toilet, please advise."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

[Jimbuna]

What does a house wear?

Address!

[Jimbuna]

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

[Jimbuna]

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

[Jimbuna]

Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights.

[Jimbuna]

. Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

[Jimbuna]

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

[Jimbuna]

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

[Jimbuna]

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”

DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

[Jimbuna]

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

[Jimbuna]

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

[Jimbuna]

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

[Jimbuna]

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

[Jimbuna]

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

[Jimbuna]

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

[Jimbuna]

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

[magic452]

Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
"Honey, I'm almost out of time and there's something I'd like you to do for me when I'm gone."

She nodded her head and said, "You can count on me. Anything you ask, I'll make sure it's done."

"I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob," he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied, "Jacob? But I thought you couldn't stand him!"
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered, "That's precisely why..."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

[Jimbuna]

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

[Jimbuna]

Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.

“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”

“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”

[Jimbuna]

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

[Jimbuna]

A Hollywood hostess, giving instructions to a new maid just before a party, cautioned: “Now remember, Marie, when you serve my guests, don’t wear any jewelry.”

“I haven’t anything valuable, madam,” answered the maid. “But thanks for the warning just the same.”

[Jimbuna]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

[Jimbuna]

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”

[Jimbuna]

A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.

“Shucks,” the boy said, “it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”

“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”

The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”

[Platapus]

Stupid judge for making me pay


I told him that the sign said


"Fine for parking here"


So I thought parking there would be OK.

[Jimbuna]

On a Miami­ to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.

As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘”Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”

[Platapus]

Supervisor: You have been selected for a random drug test

Me: OK, but this time, I would prefer no meth. Coke is OK though

Supervisor: This test is to determine if you are using any of these drugs

Me: Oh. Never mind then.

Supervisor: Is there something you need to tell me?

Me: :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Rushing up to a large airline’s ticket counter, a man gasped, “Miss, please help me. I have to get to Chicago in the worst way!”

The clerk calmly pointed to her left and said, “Sir, that would be the airline next to us.”

[Jimbuna]

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”

[Jimbuna]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

[Jimbuna]

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

[Jimbuna]

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

[Jimbuna]

One day the telephone in the office of the rector of President Roosevelt’s Washington church rang, and an eager voice said, “Tell me, do you expect the President to be in church this Sunday?”

“That I cannot promise,” the rector explained patiently. “But we expect God to be there, and we fancy that will be incentive enough for a reasonably large attendance.”

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Yeah, they got him on possession.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the one about…
…the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?

…the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?

…the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?

[Platapus]

I just joined the DNA!


National Association of Dyslexia.

[Jimbuna]

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

[Jimbuna]

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”

[Jimbuna]

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

[magic452]

Two nuns snuck out of the convent one Friday night, went to a nearby tavern, and both got totally soused!


About 3:00 in the morning they returned to the convent and proceeded to try to climb over the tall metal fence surrounding the building.

As one nun was trying to help the other over the fence, she giggled and remarked "I feel like a Marine!"

The second replied "Yeah, me too! But where are we going to find one at this time of night?"


Magic

[Platapus]

My wife is a real screamer during sex


You should have heard her when I unexpectedly walked in on her. :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

[Jimbuna]

NBC’s Moscow correspondent Irving R. Levine heard a Russian greet a friend with: “Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years.”

[Jimbuna]

At a Hollywood wedding reception, one woman remarked how lovely the star looked as a bride, and another said sweetly, “Oh, she always does. She’s thrown a bridal bouquet often enough to have pitched a nine-inning game.”

[Jimbuna]

Two Hollywood children of oft-divorced parents got into an argument. As it became more heated, one said, “My father can lick your father.”

“Are you kidding?” cried the other. “Your father is my father!”

[Jimbuna]

My husband was building shelves in our bedroom and, intending to continue his work the next day, left some tools on my dresser, including a hammer, screwdriver, and chisel.

The following morning, while I was in front of the dresser combing my hair, my teenage daughter walked in.

“Hi, Mom,” she said, taking a look at the dresser. “Fixing your face?”

[Jimbuna]

When my brother began his psychiatric practice, his first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman. My brother motioned for her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure. Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.

“Now then,” he asked, “how did your trouble begin?”

“Just like this,” she said.

[Platapus]

Why I hated studying biology in school


Jellyfish - Not a fish

Silverfish - Not a fish
Hagfish - Not a fish
Starfish - Not a fish
Cuttlefish - Not a fish
Devilfish - Not a fish
Crayfish - Not a fish


Seahorse - is a fish :06:

[Jimbuna]

At our weekly alumni meetings, the football coach shows the film of the most recent game and holds a question-and-answer period afterward. One of the alumni, who had played on the football team many years ago and had a son on this year’s squad, posed a question concerning the defensive line. “I’d like to know,” he said, “why our boys are so slow getting into the opposition’s backfield after the ball is snapped.”

“Gosh, I’m not sure, Fred,” answered the coach. “But it could be hereditary.”

[Jimbuna]

A reporter covering the Iowa State Legislature proceedings wore light summer shoes on a day when it snowed, and the following day—a pleasant, dry one—he wore overshoes. A legislator asked him about it. “It’s the effect of being around government,” he replied. “I am now prepared for yesterday.”

[Jimbuna]

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store.”

[Jimbuna]

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches.”

“He’s an athlete?”

“No—an architect.”

[Jimbuna]

One day in early fall a class of second-graders was discussing “What I want to be when I grow up.” The teacher received the usual replies—a fireman, a nurse. Then she asked a youngster deep in thought what he would like to be someday. He looked up with a frown and replied, “I don’t even know what I want to be for Halloween yet!”

[Platapus]

I joined Gamblers Anonymous


They gave me 2:1 odds of not being successful. :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Newspaper editor Arthur Brisbane was telling his best cartoonist, Winsor McCay, that he was the second-greatest cartoonist in the world. A reporter standing nearby, his curiosity aroused, asked Brisbane who was first. “I don’t know,” replied Brisbane. “But it sure keeps McCay on his toes.”

[Platapus]

I am not saying that I am ugly
But the last time I went to see my proctologist
he stuck his finger in my mouth

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[Platapus]

I am not saying that my girlfriend is fat


But when she wears high heels, she strikes oil

[Jimbuna]

While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been.

“Nonsense,” I replied, flattered.

“No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.”

[Platapus]

Growing up, I never knew my ladder


Only my step-ladder. :wah:

[Jimbuna]

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it.”

[Jimbuna]

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

[Platapus]

Sucks growing old. Everything slows down


Last year, I visited Mexico and got a bad case of the walks.

[Jimbuna]

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

[Jimbuna]

The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and plopped his one-year-old on his lap, just as the little boy began to cry and fidget.

“That child is spoiled, isn’t he?” the old man remarked.

“No,” said the dad. “They all smell this way.”

[Jimbuna]

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

[Jimbuna]

Hillbilly Moms Letter

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Mom

P.S. - I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.

[Catfish]

re the iPad
[...] I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.
:har: :rotfl2:

[Platapus]

King Charles has authorized a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards’ regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.
It will be called “The Changing of the Locks.”

[magic452]

A guy comes home from work and is met by his wife who is crying hysterically. She tells him she called the drug store for advice and the phone just kept ringing and when the pharmacist finally picked up, he didn't answer her question and actually crudely insulted her. The husband gets back in his car and goes to the drug store but before he can confront him the pharmacist says let me explain what happened.

"My alarm didn't go off this morning so being late I skipped breakfast, jumped in my car and left home. Because I was late I got stopped for speeding and had to wait for the officer to write the ticket. When I got going again I got a flat tire three blocks from the store.
When I got here a number of people were waiting and the phone is ringing. I had to take care of the people who were here first and while hurrying to fill their orders I spilled several bottles of bills and the damn phone is still ringing.
When I finally picked up the phone it was your wife who asked for directions on how to use the rectal thermometer.

All I did was tell her."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”

The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”

[Jimbuna]

I’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor’s. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.

“Mom, we’ve got to go,” I interjected, but she couldn’t hear me over the chatter. “Mom!” I repeated as I pulled her away.

“Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do,” she said, getting into the car. “That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”

[Jimbuna]

I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse absent-mindedly asked me, “Have you had a hysterectomy before?”

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the sale at the Lego store?


People were lined up for blocks

[Jimbuna]

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says.

“Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

[Jimbuna]

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

[Jimbuna]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

[Platapus]

King Charles decided to start walking, and every day, he would pass a hooker on the same street corner.


As he approached her, he learned to brace himself for what was almost guaranteed to happen.


“A hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d exclaim. “No! “Five pounds!” he whispered from the corner of his mouth, simply to silence her.


This ritual between him and the hooker became routine. “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d yell. He’d respond by yelling back. “Five pounds!”


One of these days, Camilla agreed to join her husband for a walk, and as they approached the hooker’s region, he felt more nervous than normal. She was, indeed, standing there. He avoided eye contact as she watched the couple pass.


Then, the hooker yelled, “See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!”

[Jimbuna]

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”

[Platapus]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.


They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes ..... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."



:o:wah:

[Jimbuna]

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.

“If the main parachute malfunctions,” he said, “how long do we have to deploy the reserve?”

Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”

[Jimbuna]

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

“You have a point,” he said. “But then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”

[Platapus]

Do you know why, when King Charles farts, that no one notices?


Because Noble Gases cause no reaction.

[Jimbuna]

The English language often got the better of my German grandfather, a pastor. During one service, he announced that two members of his flock were getting married.

“You’re all invited to the wedding,” he told the congregation. “And also to the parish hall afterward for the conception.”

[Platapus]

Why did King Charles put Prince Andrew in charge of the horses at the Grand National?




Someone told him that Andrew was really good at grooming.

[Jimbuna]

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

[Jimbuna]

About a week after my son left for boot training, I happened to go into his room for an afternoon nap. His bed was still warm and cozy, and I seemed to feel his presence. I wrote and told him that either my mind was playing tricks on me or some supernatural phenomenon had comforted me.

I was still trying to figure out the “miraculous” warmth when his reply came. “Sorry, Mother, I forgot. Turn off my electric blanket.”

[Platapus]

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.


He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

[Jimbuna]

Mr. and Mrs. Shaw were on safari in Africa, walking through the jungle. Suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off.

“Shoot!” she screamed to her husband. “Shoot!”

“I can’t!” he shouted back. “I’ve run out of film!”

[Jimbuna]

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

[Jimbuna]

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room.

Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”

[Jimbuna]

“I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“No, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “But you used to.”

[Platapus]

I have been known to make bad science puns


But only periodically.

[Jimbuna]

A traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnight at a farmhouse. In the morning, he looked out on a flood coursing through the front yard. He watched pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past with the current. Then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house! Then he saw it go down again. Pretty soon it came back upstream—and by now the salesman wondered if he had gone crazy. Finally he called the farmer’s daughter.

“Oh,” she said, after a glance out the window, “that must be Grandpa. He said yesterday that in spite of hell or high water he was going to mow the yard today.”

[Jimbuna]

A young mother paying a visit to her doctor in Providence, Rhode Island, made no attempt to restrain her five­-year-­old son, who was ransacking an adjoining treatment room. But finally an extra-­loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Billy being in your examining room.”

“No,” said the doctor calmly. “He’ll be quiet in a moment when he gets to the poisons.”

[ET2SN]

Testing this out and one of my old, old, favorites. :D

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/6HCsmk9oA40

"One fine day at Vinny's re-enactment".

[Platapus]

What are the chances that the sister of His Royal Highness Prince Archie of Sussex becomes Queen?




A Lilibet.

[Jimbuna]

The sailor and his girl had been having a disagreement; she was crying and he was trying to comfort her. As I got closer I heard him say, “Honest, honey, you gotta believe me—I ain’t got a sweetheart in ev’ry port!”

As I moved on I heard his closing argument: “I ain’t been in ev’ry port!”

[Jimbuna]

When my teenage son worked part time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed.

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

The customer scrutinized him and said, “You’re not married, are you?”

[ET2SN]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUKTjZunJJk


:Kaleun_Wink:

[Jimbuna]

Dad loves to eat and does so with gusto—to the distress of my mother, who worries about his weight. One evening Dad was devouring a snack of cheese spread and crackers. As he scraped the last bit of spread from its container, he asked Mom if she wanted to save the jar.

“No, it’s okay,” Mom replied. “Go ahead and eat it.”

[Platapus]

I tried to marry my Ex-wife again, but she said no


I guess she knew I was only wanting to marry her for my money

[Jimbuna]

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

[Platapus]

I don't see my wife and kids any more


And it is all due to my gambling.










I won the lottery and I am on the beaches of Costa Rica!!!!!!! :D

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

[Platapus]

“I’ve a downloaded copy of Prince Harry’s book ‘Spare’. Do you wish to read it?”


“Is it a pdf file?”


“Nope, that’s his uncle. A totally different Prince”

[Jimbuna]

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

[Jimbuna]

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

[Jimbuna]

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

[Eisenwurst]

A frog goes into Macdonalds and orders a Cheeseburger.

The Macdonalds workers says.........:)

"Would you like flies with that?"

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.

[Platapus]

I asked my wife to rate me on how good of a listener I was


She said "You're an eight on a scale of ten"


Which confused me


Why does she want me to pee on a skeleton?

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.

[Jimbuna]

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

[Platapus]

I caught my son chewing on an extension cord


I felt it necessary to ground him.


He did not resist.



He promised me that in the future that he would conduct himself properly.


He is doing well, currently

[Jimbuna]

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

[Jimbuna]

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.

[Platapus]

I just got fired from my job as a bank teller


A lady came in and asked to check her balance


So I gave her a little push.....

[Jimbuna]

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foiled again!”

[Jimbuna]

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks— I’ll never part with it!

[Platapus]

A street near Buckingham Palace is being renamed to “Prince Andrew’s Close.”
It’s not honorary, it’s a warning.

[Jimbuna]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

[Eisenwurst]

What did Skippy say when Sonny fell off the cliff?

"Tut tut tut...."

[Jimbuna]

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.