The joke thread II [Archive] - Page 23 - SUBSIM Radio Room Forums

Catfish

12-19-24, 08:25 AM

Elon Musk:
"I'm a weirdo because i'm a psychopath."

Everyone:
"You are not weird because you are autistic.
You are weird because you are a billionaire daddy's boy larping as an inventor and an entrepreneur, whose intergenerational wealth is based on slavery and apartheid.
Leave the autistic community out of your cringefest."

Not a joke.

Jimbuna

12-20-24, 01:49 PM

Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market

Jimbuna

12-22-24, 01:43 PM

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick

Jimbuna

12-23-24, 02:02 PM

Sea monsters have been known to eat what?

Fish and ships

Jimbuna

12-24-24, 11:49 AM

What do you call a vicar who becomes a lawyer?

A father-in-law

Platapus

12-24-24, 02:03 PM

What was the name of Santa's tenth reindeer?

Olive

It was in the song

Olive, the other Reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

Jimbuna

12-26-24, 09:15 AM

What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese

Jimbuna

12-27-24, 11:56 AM

How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

Jimbuna

12-28-24, 12:33 PM

Which month of the year has 28 days?

Um all of them

Jimbuna

12-29-24, 12:14 PM

Why was the broom late to work?

It over-swept.

Platapus

12-30-24, 05:23 PM

You can tell that Monopoly is an old game because

There is a Luxury Tax and rich people can go to jail.

Jimbuna

12-31-24, 12:00 PM

What does a pig use in the shower?

Hog wash.

Jimbuna

01-02-25, 12:15 PM

So why don’t ants get sick?

They have anty-bodies.

Jimbuna

01-03-25, 09:18 AM

https://i.postimg.cc/kGkT08sT/469898981-10162389566759656-2977724735781698190-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Jimbuna

01-04-25, 12:14 PM

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it when we make love,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

Jimbuna

01-05-25, 01:48 PM

What did the drummer call his daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2

Jimbuna

01-06-25, 12:31 PM

Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door?

In case there's a salad dressing.

Jimbuna

01-07-25, 01:41 PM

Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking?

He was on a roll.

Jimbuna

01-08-25, 01:18 PM

https://i.postimg.cc/sDcwLThD/472815814-9373341399382514-1142755207080172554-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Jimbuna

01-09-25, 08:22 AM

Why do prawns never share?

Because they're shellfish.

Jimbuna

01-10-25, 08:23 AM

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.

Jimbuna

01-12-25, 09:40 AM

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

Jimbuna

01-13-25, 10:28 AM

What did one pickle say to the other?

Dill with it.

Jimbuna

01-14-25, 12:49 PM

What food is never on time?

Choco-late!

Platapus

01-14-25, 04:28 PM

What do you do when a chemist dies?

Barium

Jimbuna

01-15-25, 12:21 PM

What nuts always seem to have a cold?

Cashews.

Jimbuna

01-17-25, 01:07 PM

Why did the M&M want to go to school?

He wanted to be a Smartie.

Jimbuna

01-18-25, 01:44 PM

Who is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

Jimbuna

01-19-25, 01:32 PM

What is the favourite fruit of twins?

Pears.

Jimbuna

01-20-25, 01:50 PM

What do you give to cure a sick lemon?

Lemon aid.

Jimbuna

01-20-25, 01:51 PM

What would you call a peanut in space?

An astronut.

Jimbuna

01-21-25, 08:57 AM

https://i.postimg.cc/gJH2xRX3/473191899-1182358416781703-2998709730192463948-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Jimbuna

01-22-25, 02:03 PM

I could tell you a pizza joke…

But it would probably be cheesy.

Jimbuna

01-24-25, 01:18 PM

Why should you never date a baker?

They’re too kneady.

Eisenwurst

01-25-25, 11:10 PM

What did Skippy say when Sonny fell off the cliff?

tt tt tt tt tt tt

Platapus

01-26-25, 09:25 AM

The President of the United States looks out of the window of the Oval office on January. He notices, written in the snow, "you suck"

He orders the FBI to conduct a full investigation and the head of the FBI reports back

Mr. President, we have completed our investigation and I have some good news and some bad news?

What's the good news?

Mr. President, the good news is that based on chemical analysis, we have determined that the urine used was that of the Vice President.

That's the good news?? What's the bad news?

Uh Mr. President. It was your wife's handwriting.

Jimbuna

01-26-25, 10:02 AM

What happens when a walnut laughs heavily?

It cracks up,

Jimbuna

01-27-25, 01:32 PM

Excuse me sir, will my pizza be long?

Why no, it’ll be round.

Jimbuna

01-28-25, 10:36 AM

What sweet treat is never on time?

Choco-late.

Platapus

01-28-25, 06:01 PM

Ever notice that the goal of the game of golf...

Is to play less golf?

Catfish

01-28-25, 06:07 PM

^ Also a game to keep millionaires from being bored.
Some british fellow once said that playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.
Surely there is nothing more urgent that golf in our times.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-golf-today-doral-president-b2687218.html

Jimbuna

01-29-25, 09:40 AM

Donald Trump is attending a golf-related celebrity event and finds himself in the presence of the one-and-only Stevie Wonder, who speaks first.

“Very nice to meet you Mr. President. I have it on good authority that you deem yourself to be quite an accomplished golfer; I myself am an excellent golfer.”

Never one to be humble, Trumps seizes the opportunity. “Yes, I am one of the greatest golfers there is - I own several golf courses, and hope to build several more. Of course you know Greg Norman is a good friend of mine - a very good friend of mine. But tell me, how can you play golf when you are blind and can’t see anything?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, Mr. President - you see, part of my entourage involves a very loyal caddy who stands on the green right behind the next hole and calls out to me. Just as I can visualise music notes, I can visualise where the next hole is - with astonishing accuracy. In fact, I feel so confident that I propose you & I engage in a round of golf and I will even put $500,000 of my own money on the table as a wager ... double or nothing! Are you willing to accept my challenge, Mr. President?”

Trump can barely contain himself, thinking: ‘I can’t believe it; here is a man who was a legend back when Obama was a schoolboy in Kenya - whose skin is darker… AND ... he’s blind! This will be more fun than taking candy from babies!’

He ever-so-proudly announces, “Yes, I accept your challenge. In fact, I will even put up 1 million dollars of taxpay ... er ... I mean ... my OWN money! When do you want to play against me?”

Slowly waving his head around & beaming a big smile, Stevie Wonder replies, “Any night you wish, Mr. President, any night you wish”.

Platapus

01-30-25, 04:58 AM

Success is when you earn enough money to hire someone to mow your lawn so you can go out and play golf for exercise

Jimbuna

01-30-25, 09:36 AM

What’s the most famous fish?

A starfish!

Skybird

01-30-25, 03:53 PM

Q: How can you recognize a vegan?
A: He will always tell you without being asked.

Jimbuna

01-31-25, 08:10 AM

What are spiders really good at?

Surfing the web.

Jimbuna

02-01-25, 12:44 PM

What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador.

Platapus

02-02-25, 12:48 PM

Son: Dad, how can you tell if someone is an alcoholic?

Dad: Hmm, well, son, you see those two birds on that branch; well an alcoholic might see four birds.

Son: Dad.... there is only one bird on that branch

Dad: oh crap

Jimbuna

02-02-25, 01:01 PM

What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

Jimbuna

02-03-25, 10:14 AM

Where would you find a giraffe?

The same place you lost it!

Jimbuna

02-04-25, 10:16 AM

Why don't they play cards in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

Platapus

02-04-25, 05:47 PM

Why don't they play cards in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

(replacing the tape on my glasses)

There are no cheetahs in the jungle. :O:

Catfish

02-04-25, 06:57 PM

^ not anymore. The floormen threw them out, so they now cheat in the open savanne :D

Jimbuna

02-05-25, 11:56 AM

https://i.postimg.cc/Dz1m28d5/476221423-10236344879264515-2997102222455695807-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Jimbuna

02-06-25, 08:32 AM

How do you measure a slug?

In inches, because they don't have feet.

Jimbuna

02-08-25, 12:41 PM

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Jimbuna

02-10-25, 01:45 PM

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications.

Platapus

02-10-25, 06:34 PM

I was happy when I came home with the doctor's report

I told my wife that my doctors advises that I have daily sex

She looked at the report

"It says dyslexia, dear. But nice try"

Pout

Jimbuna

02-11-25, 01:21 PM

What do you call a well-balanced horse?

Stable.

Jimbuna

02-12-25, 01:21 PM

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Jimbuna

02-14-25, 02:16 PM

Where do cows go on Friday nights?

The moovies.

Jimbuna

02-17-25, 02:09 PM

https://i.postimg.cc/MTF9GRRP/480467538-1112645167540711-238209117967801872-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Jimbuna

02-19-25, 01:32 PM

How do you make a baby snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

Jimbuna

02-20-25, 01:28 PM

What do you call a chicken that makes jokes?

A comedihen.

Jimbuna

02-21-25, 11:52 AM

What are caterpillars scared of?

Dogerpillars.

Platapus

02-22-25, 07:09 AM

I did 500 crunches yesterday

It was one of those bigger chip bags, after all

Jimbuna

02-22-25, 07:13 AM

https://i.postimg.cc/Vk3Tz0Lw/IMG-4868.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Platapus

02-22-25, 09:37 AM

Me, as a kid: "Mom, was I adopted?"

Mother: "Of course not, what makes you think we would ever choose you?"

:shifty:

Jimbuna

02-22-25, 09:48 AM

Why didn’t the lion win the race?

Because he was racing a cheetah.

Jimbuna

02-24-25, 02:01 PM

Why did the bee get married?

Because she found her honey.

Jimbuna

02-25-25, 11:29 AM

Why can’t the leopard hide?

Because he’s always spotted.

Eichhörnchen

02-25-25, 03:44 PM

What part of Christmas does Sean Connery like best?

Shhhopping!

Jimbuna

02-26-25, 12:54 PM

What kind of jacket does an octopus wear?

An army jacket.

Jimbuna

02-27-25, 02:17 PM

What sort of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad.

Jimbuna

02-28-25, 12:39 PM

I was told I needed to stop acting like a flamingo...

So I put my foot down.

Jimbuna

03-01-25, 02:06 PM

Where do horses live?

In neighhhhhbourhoods.

Jimbuna

03-02-25, 02:04 PM

What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head?

A-Dell.

Jimbuna

03-03-25, 10:21 AM

What do toilets do when they're embarrassed?

They always get a bit flush.

Jimbuna

03-04-25, 02:06 PM

How do you organise a space-themed party?

You planet.

Jimbuna

03-05-25, 01:47 PM

Why do pancakes always win at cricket?

They have the best batter.

Jimbuna

03-06-25, 01:00 PM

Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired?

He had a hard-drive.

Platapus

03-06-25, 05:26 PM

A car dealer told me that this SUV can sit 6 adults with no problems

I couldn't buy the vehicle.

I don't know 6 adults with no problems.

Platapus

03-07-25, 04:42 AM

I think the rules concerning Electric vehicles need to be updated

They are not current.

Jimbuna

03-07-25, 08:56 AM

What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing - they fast.

Exocet25fr

03-07-25, 02:32 PM

USA: you don't need nukes
France: did I ask your opinion?

U.S.A. : Don't make nukes.
France : Comment ? Que dites-vous ? Navré mais nous ne parlons pas l'anglais ici!
(What? What did you say? Sorry but we're not speaking English here!)

USA : no nuke for France
Charles de Gaulle : fine, I'll do it myself then

US: You can't just build nukes!
France: If you can, we can to.
US: But you'd use them offensively!
France: Like you did on Japan?
US: If you use yours, we might have to use ours to protect you.
France: Like you promised to do under the NATO treaty?
US: But you already have us to protect you!
France: Okay, we both know that's a lie!

The United States of America telling France not to do something is the quickest way to get France to do something.

The worst weapon of mass destruction in the hands of french peoples is "cassoulet". It permits to produce massive quantities of fighting gazes

Jimbuna

03-08-25, 08:41 AM

https://i.postimg.cc/Fsv6VPyP/Untitled2.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Jimbuna

03-09-25, 11:33 AM

How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying?

You rocket.

Jimbuna

03-10-25, 01:02 PM

What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon.

Jimbuna

03-11-25, 09:17 AM

Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?

Because it's point-less.

Jimbuna

03-12-25, 01:38 PM

Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet?

He kept getting lost at C

Platapus

03-12-25, 04:33 PM

I don't post jokes about flooring

It's beneath me

Jimbuna

03-13-25, 08:54 AM

Why was Cinderella so bad at rugby?

She kept running away from the ball.

Jimbuna

03-14-25, 11:27 AM

What did the dentist win at the competition?

A little plaque.

Platapus

03-15-25, 08:10 AM

If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's on the outside of a fire hydrant?

K9P

Jimbuna

03-15-25, 09:06 AM

What do you call a skeleton with only a head?

A nobody.

Jimbuna

03-17-25, 12:53 PM

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's very heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

Jimbuna

03-18-25, 01:57 PM

Why do ghosts like to take the lift?

It lifts their spirits.

Jeff-Groves

03-18-25, 02:18 PM

An Irish man is walking into the local pub when he's confronted by a nun outside yelling and scolding him about how the drink will destroy his life.
He looks at her and says " well it doesn't seem to have done much harm to you ".
She replies " well I don't touch the stuff, in fact I've never even tasted the stuff ".

" well how can ya say with confidence that the drink will ruin my life if ya've never even tried it "
" I suppose you're right "

" I'll tell ya what, I'll go bring you back a drink and you can try it, and if ya don't like it you can keep carryin' on "

" okay then, so what should I get ".

" well ladies usually drink gin "

" alright then I guess I'll take a double gin "

So he goes it and up to the bar.
" barkeep, give me a pint of ale and I'll take a double gin to go "

The bartender looks at him and says " that phony nun is out there again now isn't she? "

Jimbuna

03-19-25, 10:26 AM

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

Jimbuna

03-20-25, 10:16 AM

Why didn't the skeleton never go on dates?

He didn't have the guts to ask anyone.

Jimbuna

03-21-25, 01:29 PM

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Jimbuna

03-22-25, 12:01 PM

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

He's a bit of a pain in the neck.

Jimbuna

03-23-25, 08:35 AM

What do you call a guy who’s really loud?

Mike.

Jimbuna

03-24-25, 01:38 PM

What do you call a retired vegetable?

A has-bean.

Jimbuna

03-25-25, 02:11 PM

Can February March?

No, but April May!

Jimbuna

03-26-25, 01:06 PM

Why shouldn't you marry a calendar?

Its days are numbered.

Jimbuna

03-27-25, 12:59 PM

Why do barbers make good drivers?

They know a lot of short cuts.

Platapus

03-27-25, 04:22 PM

I thought that people who rob banks were pretty bad

But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

Jimbuna

03-28-25, 10:05 AM

What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case?

Sheer Luck Holmes.

Jimbuna

03-29-25, 01:58 PM

What’s it called when you have too many aliens?

Extraterrestrials.

Jimbuna

03-30-25, 10:57 AM

What should you do if you’re cold?

Stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees.

Jimbuna

03-31-25, 12:47 PM

What does a clock do when it’s hungry?

It goes back for seconds.

Platapus

03-31-25, 04:31 PM

I made money being a rodeo rider.

Every horse I rode gave me a couple of bucks

Jimbuna

04-01-25, 12:18 PM

Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen?

Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?

Jimbuna

04-03-25, 12:53 PM

What does one eye say to the other eye?

Something between us smells.

Jimbuna

04-04-25, 11:07 AM

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

Jimbuna

04-05-25, 10:37 AM

What’s the spookiest kind of author?

A ghost writer.

Jimbuna

04-06-25, 01:01 PM

What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?

Why so Sirius?

Platapus

04-06-25, 03:52 PM

I tried Salsa dancing, but did not seem to make any progress

To me, it seemed that for every step forward I ended up taking two steps backwards.

Jimbuna

04-07-25, 07:17 AM

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg’?

Because every play has a cast.

Jimbuna

04-08-25, 12:31 PM

What’s an astronaut’s favourite part of a keyboard?

The space bar.

Platapus

04-08-25, 05:25 PM

My wife told me that she has never seen the movie "Gaslight"

I told her that she has seen it.

:03:

Jimbuna

04-09-25, 08:54 AM

Did you hear about the people who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

Jimbuna

04-10-25, 12:24 PM

Why is it hard to eat near basketball players?

They dribble all the time.

Jimbuna

04-12-25, 11:43 AM

Did you hear about the actor falling through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

Jimbuna

04-15-25, 11:17 AM

Did you hear about the group ski trip?

It went downhill fast.

Jimbuna

04-15-25, 11:19 AM

Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum?

It was just collecting dust.

Jimbuna

04-17-25, 12:06 PM

This is my step-ladder…

I never knew my real ladder.

Jimbuna

04-17-25, 12:06 PM

I was going to take a bath…

But then decided I was going to leave it where it was.

Platapus

04-17-25, 05:09 PM

Why are computer programmers always broke?

Because they consistently use up all their cache

Sean C

04-18-25, 12:07 AM

At the end of the great flood, Noah told all of the animals on the ark to go forth and multiply. As he was cleaning up, he saw a couple of snakes still on the ark. He asked them "Why are you still here? I told you to go forth and multiply!" The snakes responded "We're sorry. We can't multiply, we're adders."

Noah said "Alright, then.", and he pulled several timbers from the ark's hull and proceeded to craft the most beautiful platform one could imagine. Then, he placed the snakes upon it and said "There you go."

The snakes asked "What do you mean?" To which Noah replied "Even two adders can multiply on a log table!"

:har::timeout::o:yeah::wah::06: