The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”

The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”

The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”

The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”

[Jimbuna]

A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!

[Jimbuna]

Three guys are flying over a desert in a hot air balloon. They see a man below and yell at him, “Do you know where we are?”

The man thinks about it for a long time and when they’re nearly out of earshot, yells after them, “You’re in a balloon.”

“That was a mathematician,” says one of the aviators. “Why?” asks another. „Because it took him a hell of a long time, the answer is perfectly correct and yet its practical value is zero.”

[Jimbuna]

“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”

“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”

“So? Maybe she was.”

“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”

[Jimbuna]

A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.

A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.

A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.

In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.

“Well, you moron,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”

[Jimbuna]

A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that the jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch. “That is true,” he responded, “but it does depend at what speed you are carrying that torch.”

[Jimbuna]

A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”

“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”

[Jimbuna]

A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.

When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.

On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.

In the morning, his wife sighs, 'you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven't you?'

‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?'

'You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!'

[Jimbuna]

I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.

There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"

I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.

As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."

[Jimbuna]

Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.

Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.

[Jimbuna]

A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

[Jimbuna]

Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.

[Jimbuna]

I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”

“Wow, you’ve been to the Maldives?”

“No, but I wished it before.”

[Jimbuna]

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
-
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

[Jimbuna]

Sleep with an open window tonight!

1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.

One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.

[Jimbuna]

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.

One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”

The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

[Jimbuna]

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

[Jimbuna]

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

[Catfish]

"French capital with five letters?"
"When?"
"Why when?"
"Vichy?"

This joke was real, we got as much laughs as embarassed looks :03:

[Jimbuna]

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[Jimbuna]

What does a crocodile say when it eats a clown? "Tastes funny somehow!"

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny asks his father:
"Where does the wind come from?"

"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"

"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"

"I don't know."

"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."

[Jimbuna]

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

[Jimbuna]

They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.

[Jimbuna]

Man: Hi, do you want to dance?

Woman: Yeah, sure!

Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!

[Jimbuna]

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 pounds.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

[Jimbuna]

A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”

The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”

[Jimbuna]

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

[Jimbuna]

She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…

He: Just call in sick then.

[Jimbuna]

Everybody knows 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.

[Jimbuna]

A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, "Exactly!"

[fireftr18]

A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, "Exactly!"

He's honest. :Kaleun_Cheers:

[Jimbuna]

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

[Jimbuna]

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”

[fireftr18]

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

I resemble that remark.
Did you know 64% of statistics are made up on the spot?

:Kaleun_Salute:

[Jimbuna]

Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”

Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”

[Jimbuna]

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”

[Jimbuna]

Are you two twins?

No, why do you ask?

Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes.

OK that’s enough, your driver’s license please.

[Jimbuna]

Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"

Man: "In the United States."

Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"

Man: "My entire body."

[Jimbuna]

A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.

[Jimbuna]

“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

[Jimbuna]

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”

“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

[Jimbuna]

In a boutique:

Could I try the dress in the shop window, please?

I’m sorry madam but no. We have cabins for that.

[Platapus]

I resemble that remark.
Did you know 64% of statistics are made up on the spot?

:Kaleun_Salute:


72.36% of statistics used on the Internets Tubes have false precision

[Jimbuna]

Mother: Eat your bread.

Child: I don’t like bread. Why do I have to eat the bread.

Mother: So you become big and strong.

Child: Why do I have to become big and strong?

Mother: So you can provide the daily bread to your family.

Child: But I don’t like bread!

[Jimbuna]

A guy calls the fire department and yells excitedly: “You have to come, now, there’s a fire!”

“OK sir, but please tell us how do we get to you.”

The man asks, puzzled: “What, you don’t have them big red trucks anymore?”

[Jimbuna]

Life Hack:

If you’re tired of waiting at a restaurant, just call their number and ask if they also deliver to table 16.

[Jimbuna]

Hello doctor, can you look at my laptop?

Why?

It looks like it caught a virus.

[Jimbuna]

Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?

Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?

Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want to.

[Jimbuna]

The local minister sees that every morning, some apples on his tree are missing. He makes a sign:

God sees everything.

The next morning, somebody writes under it: Yes, but he’s not a snitch.

[Catfish]

"There is no irish border. There is a british border in Ireland.
Ireland's border is the sea."

[Jimbuna]

A man goes to the doctor and says, ‘Doctor, I poop every morning at seven. What should I do?’. The doctor tells him not to worry, that most people would love to be that regular.

‘But wait’, the man says, ‘I wake up at 7:30….’

[Jimbuna]

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway."

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

[Jimbuna]

Two clairvoyants meet. One says to the other: “You are fine, and how am I?

[Jimbuna]

Two days ago, my friend Peter ran off with my wife.”

“Oh no, how long have you been friends?”

“Since two days ago.”

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "OK class, who will give me the chemical formula for water?"

Pupil: "HIJKLMNO."

Teacher: "What on earth are you on about?"

Pupil: "Well you said yourself yesterday it was H to O!"

[Jimbuna]

An employee complains to his boss, “Sorry boss, but the salary doesn’t even remotely match the effort I put into my work.”

Boss nods, “I know, but we can’t let you starve to death.”

[Jimbuna]

What should you do when you see a spaceman?

You just park in it, man.

[Buddahaid]

The three stages of a man's sex life:

Tri-weekly,
Try weekly,
Try weakly.

[Jimbuna]

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

[Jimbuna]

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

[Eichhörnchen]

Mrs Abraham Lincoln to her husband: "Would it kill you to take me out to a show just once in a while?"

[Jimbuna]

You can’t say that Hitler was bad through and through. He did kill Hitler, after all.

[Jimbuna]

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

[Jimbuna]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

[Jimbuna]

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

[Jimbuna]

My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records. Not for long though. They threw me out of the library pretty quickly.

[Jimbuna]

How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.

[Jimbuna]

"Madam, your son just called me ugly!"

The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."

[Jimbuna]

A box of condoms, please.

That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?

Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

[Jimbuna]

Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."

[Jimbuna]

I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.
Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

[Jimbuna]

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"

Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."

Friend, "But you can't die of that!"

Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."

[Jimbuna]

Doctor to a patient: "I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?"

"The good one please."

"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live."

"And the bad one?"

"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."

[Von Due]

Dad always told me "as one door closes, another door opens"

He was terrible at making cabinets.

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?

[Jimbuna]

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog. He asks the shop assistant, “Does your dog bite?”

“No, my dog doesn’t bite.”

The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously. A little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, “Hey, you said your dog doesn’t bite!”

The shop clerk shrugs, “He doesn’t. But that wasn’t my dog.”

[Jimbuna]

My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her.

Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.

[Jimbuna]

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.

She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly man is stopped by the police on his way to work. Everywhere are busy policemen.

“What’s going on?” asks the guy.

“We’re searching for a rapist, sir,” replies the police officer.

“Oh,” the man thinks for a second, “well alright. I’ll do it.”

[Jimbuna]

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”

“Yeah!”

“Are you hurt?”

“No!”

“Not a scratch? How come?!“

“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

[Jimbuna]

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”

“She’s 19.”

“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”

“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”

[Jimbuna]

Son comes into the kitchen, visibly shaken. The father asks him what happened.

“Dad, I’m so sorry, I shot Grandma by mistake!”

“Are you insane?! We’ve still got half of Grandpa left in the freezer!“

[Jimbuna]

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!

[Jimbuna]

A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

[Jimbuna]

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"

[Jimbuna]

A meeting of the “Castrated Anonymous”

High-pitched male voice: "Welcome. I hope you all arrived safe and sound."

Deep male voice: "Yes."

High-pitched male voice: "You in the second row, please leave the room right now."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

[Jimbuna]

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

[Jimbuna]

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

[Jimbuna]

Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?

Just stand in the middle of the road for a while.

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”

[Jimbuna]

I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea.

They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

[Jimbuna]

A doctor tells a patient: “I’ve a good and a bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

Patient: “Oh no. The bad one, please.”

Doctor: “It appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”

Patient: “And the good one?” asks the shaken patient.

Doctor grins: “There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying your shoes!”

[Jimbuna]

Why did Lisa fall of the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Well, not Lisa, that’s for sure.

[Jimbuna]

A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?

Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.

[Jimbuna]

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”

Nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?”

[Jimbuna]

Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.

That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/g0h8cb0k/77088853-2840963705913753-4202459283901644800-n.jpg (https://postimg.cc/SXyJV58w)

[Jimbuna]

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.

I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

[Jimbuna]

A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?"

Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!"

Magician, winking, "But not for looooong.....!"

[Jimbuna]

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?

First of all, don't give him anything to drink.

[Jimbuna]

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

[Eichhörnchen]

Hey I just made this up:

Q: What do dolphins like to sing at Christmas?

A: The First Narwhal

[Jimbuna]

A man bought a lie-detector robot that slaps anyone who tells lies. Taking it home, he decided to test it on his schoolboy son.
'What did you do this afternoon?' he asked him.
'I did my homework', his son replied. The robot slapped him.
'Alright, alright- I went round my mate's house to watch a film!'
'What did you watch?' his dad asked.
'Toy Story', his son replied. The robot slapped him again.
'Alright- we watched porn!'
'Porn? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!', his dad exclaimed. The robot slapped him.
Then his wife said 'Ha! He's certainly your son!' The robot slapped her.
The robot is now up for sale.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?

Just the pit bull.

[Jimbuna]

A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.

"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."

[Jimbuna]

Mother: Son, why aren't you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends.

Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day?

Mother: Of course not!

Son: Well neither would he.

[Jimbuna]

A guy asked at a skydiving school, "If the chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open either, how long until we hit the ground?"

The instructor looked at him and said, "The rest of your life."

[Jimbuna]

A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it’s over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. "You have only six months to live."

The man digests it for a while and then says, "There's just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist."

Surprised, the doctor asks, "But you've been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better when one of them dies than one of us!"

[Jimbuna]

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5'8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.

[Jimbuna]

An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings.

"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."

"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[Jimbuna]

Three kids are at a Zoo. They seem to be fighting near a wolf enclosure so an adult walks up to them and asks them their names and what they’re up to.

The first kid says his name is Ronnie and that he was simply trying to feed pickles to the wolves.

The second kid introduces herself as Libby and says she was also just trying to feed pickles to the wolves.

The third child introduces herself as Pickles.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher says: “With 8 billion people on Earth, that also means a lot of people die every minute. People are dying as we speak, with every breath I take.”

Little Johnny suggests: “Maybe you should try some mouthwash.“

[Jimbuna]

Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten by your neighbor?”
-
Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing just fine on his own!”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?

Patient: I’m dying to know.

Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...

[Jimbuna]

Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly they’re passed by a headless biker.
Weird, but – well. They continue down the road. After a while they are passed by a headless bicyclist.
Hm. They walk on for a bit when one says to the other, “Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”

[Jimbuna]

Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her balance – so I push her over, they fire me.

[magic452]

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”



Magic

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS

Man addicted to braking fluid says he can stop at any time.

[Jimbuna]

I tried sharing a sandwich with a homeless man on my way to work today.

But the meanie told me to go find my own.

[Jimbuna]

KID : Dad, what do condoms do?

DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.

[Jimbuna]

I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.

[Jimbuna]

I don’t understand why the authorities even bother to punish polygamy. Two mothers-in-law is already cruel enough.

[Jimbuna]

In 1827, Dracula started to feed on a diet of 16-year-old virgins.
By 2013, he died of starvation.

[Jimbuna]

Wait, don’t move, you’ve got something on your face!

<slap!>

Yep, it’s pain!

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”

Doctor: “I only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

[Jimbuna]

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
-
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

[Jimbuna]

I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

[Catfish]

Stolen by me, worth it though :D


"How the Angel got on top of the Christmas Tree"

"It was a particularly bad year for Santa and before he knew it, Christmas Eve had arrived and he wasn't ready.

The elves were on strike.
The reindeer were unruly and during a test run had crashed the sleigh.
No one was cleaning the stables and the smell was horrible.
Rudolph's nose wouldn't light because he had a cold.
Mrs. Clause, having burned batches of cookies, was refusing to bake any more until the oven was fixed; and, to top it off she was endlessly nagging poor Santa.

It was about the time that Santa was at the end of his patience with the Christmas Angel descended from the heavens and said:

"Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where should I stick it?"

[Jimbuna]

How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.

[Jimbuna]

They really should consider a woman as the main actor of the next Mission Impossible movie.

Horrifying crashes, wild screams, huge explosions – and that’s just during the parallel parking scene!

[Jimbuna]

I read an article that they’ve trained dogs now so they can smell terminal illnesses in people. Kind of a different experience, taking a dog like that for a walk.
-
“Oooh, your dog really likes me!”
-
“I’m so very sorry.”

[Jimbuna]

I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.

[Catfish]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

[Jimbuna]

:haha:

[Jimbuna]

Man to a butcher: "I'd like some bull's testicles."

Butcher: "So would I"

[Jimbuna]

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I’m a barber.

[Jimbuna]

My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?!
Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

[Jimbuna]

A crying son runs to his mom: “Mom, mom, (sniff), Grandpa slapped me in the face.”

Grandpa approaches: “Stop lying or I’ll do it again!”

[Jimbuna]

A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."

[Jimbuna]

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

[Jimbuna]

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she's in for a shock.

[Jimbuna]

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"

She said, "Yes and No."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

[Jimbuna]

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.

Serves him right.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

[Jimbuna]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[Jimbuna]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[Jimbuna]

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

[Jimbuna]

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

[Jimbuna]

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire!

[Jimbuna]

On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.”

[Jimbuna]

A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S” on the side to show everyone the car is his. While he’s flexing his new car down the streets of Los Angeles, he passes an elderly couple sitting on their porch. As he passes the man exclaims to his wife, ” Look at that S-Car-Go!”

[Jimbuna]

A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!

[Jimbuna]

You would think that taking off a snail’s shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.

[Jimbuna]

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

[Jimbuna]

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

[Jimbuna]

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

[Jimbuna]

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

[Jimbuna]

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

[Jimbuna]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

[Jimbuna]

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be £1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”

[Jimbuna]

The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn’t say how many birds there were. “The last thing I was going to do was look up,” he told CNN.

[Jimbuna]

I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.

[Jimbuna]

A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.

Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: "Yeah, the service stinks!"

Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

[Jimbuna]

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That’s him," comes the reply.

"He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Jimbuna]

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I’m putting on my shoes!"

[Jimbuna]

The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.

"I’m okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."

My wife’s response: "Who?"

[Jimbuna]

Just won the £500 1st prize at my local weightwatchers weigh-in this week for loosing the most weight after successfully hiding 10kg of lead fishing weights in my pockets last week.

[Jimbuna]

Me and my wife have a difficult relationship. She’s a really cold person. She’s so cold that her side of the waterbed often freezes.

[Jimbuna]

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming unbearable. I feel ashamed to be human. Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

[Jimbuna]

My best friend who sells drugs was involved in an accident the other day and he now only has one hand.

He’s slowly dealing with it.

[Jimbuna]

I love Halloween. It’s the one time of year where all the dust, bloodstains and cobwebs around my house stop being disgusting and become decorations.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation at hospital.

Nurse: What happened to your fingers?
Me: You know those chefs who cut vegetables really fast?
Nurse: Yes?
Me: I can’t do that.

[Jimbuna]

Last night a thief broke into my house and started looking for money so I woke up and joined him.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl. It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

[Jimbuna]

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father. My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

[Jimbuna]

Really hate my nine to five job. Starting work at 4:51 is ridiculous.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/D0QNmnJ8/82046445-10157864528009784-6165841946192379904-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Eisenwurst]

Did you hear about the shoplifter that stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

[Jimbuna]

I told my parents today: “Mum, Dad… I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.” “Okay, cool,” they replied. “Your luggage is outside,” I added.

[Jimbuna]

The other day my Nan found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

[Jimbuna]

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

[Jimbuna]

Saw a man earlier today at the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!”. It made me laugh, there’s no way he was ever gonna convince a shark to help him.

[Eisenwurst]

What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

[Jimbuna]

Convert your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

[Jimbuna]

Instead of wasting money on costly egg timers simply boil your egg to perfection by getting in your car and driving at 60 mph for exactly 3 miles. When you reach the 3 mile mark call your wife and tell her to take it out the pan.

[Jimbuna]

I went to my doctor and he said he had some good news and some bad news. He said the good news was that he got my test results and I had two days to live. Then he said the bad news was that he has been trying to contact me for two days.

[Mr Quatro]

A man goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy say, “168.”

The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and
medical technology.


After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious
he gets, so he decides to go back.


The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”

The guy answers, “Whiskey.”

The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man replies, “100.”

The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, shrimp creole, and LSU, of course.



The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is still so interested in his
“experiment” that he decides to try again.



He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants to drink.

The man replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man answers, “35”.

The robot leans in real close and whispers, “So . . . Do you folks
really think you’re going to impeach Donald Trump?”

[Eisenwurst]

Transcribed from a bikers magazine of many years ago......

Two employees of a burger chain are in the kitchen molesting an elephant.

The boss sticks his head around the corner.

"Hurry up with the special sauce we got customers waiting".

[Catfish]

^ :rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:
:oops:

[Eisenwurst]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre,

So the barman gives her one.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

[Jimbuna]

I got my wife a get better soon card. She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

[Eisenwurst]

Why does Noddy have a hat with a bell on it?

Because he's a twat.

[Eichhörnchen]

You're gonna get busted :haha:

[Aktungbby]

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!'pears you've stayed too long; your eyes have gotten slitty:o:oops: :x:shucks:with humble apologies to Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh's infamous gaffe for my inspiration! Sailor Steve can only acuse me of bad taste...not plagiarism!:O::har:

[Eisenwurst]

The English language is constantly evolving. What is perfectly acceptable in some countries is not in others.

For instance - the word "fanny". In America it's perfectly acceptable and is seen even on Sesame Street, but in Australia the same word is borderline obscene and never used in polite conversation.

The word "twat" is used everyday in conversational English down here and not a murmur is raised.

To Noddy fans I apologise if offense was caused. :)

[Eisenwurst]

Why did Mickey Mouse leave home?

Cause his dad was a rat.

[Aktungbby]

The word "twat" is used everyday in conversational English down here and not a murmur is raised.

To Noddy fans I apologise if offense was caused. :)Twat's that you say! ? Fanny is a given name here in the states: and Europe and of course in Rugby I oft landed on my...fanny!.:yep:

[Eisenwurst]

In Australia "fanny" is a crude term for vagina.

Jokes will resume after a short break.

[Eisenwurst]

At the zoo the other day, I saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was "bread in captivity".

[Eichhörnchen]

At a nightclub a man stands with his wife watching a bloke giving it large on the dance floor, busting all the moves just like John Travolta, only better

Wife says: "25 years ago that guy asked me to marry him and I turned him down"

Husband replies: "Looks like he's still celebrating"

[Jimbuna]

Q. Why do birds always sing in the morning?
A. Because they don’t have to go to work!!

[Jimbuna]

The Irish government has recently announced that they are going to save money on lollipop men and women by moving schools to the other side of the road.

[Eisenwurst]

Who was the first Rocker?

Moses.

Why?

Cause "his Triumph was heard throughout the land."

[Eisenwurst]

How many Mods does it take to change a light bulb?

100. One stands on a chair to change the bulb and the other 99 say "Na, I prefer the original".

[Aktungbby]

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

[Jimbuna]

Money Saving Tips

Don’t waste money on an electric toothbrush. Simply sellotape a manual toothbrush to your iPhone and set it to vibrate, then get your mum to call you every time you need to brush your teeth.

[Jimbuna]

My dwarf friend committed suicide recently… He jumped off a curb.

[Eisenwurst]

What did Obi Wan say when Luke was having trouble in the Chinese restaurant?

Use the fork, Luke.

[Jimbuna]

Recently found out I’m allergic to cats. That’s the last time I eat at a Chinese restaurant.

[Jimbuna]

My granddad used to be in the army until he ate all the rations.
He was shot for desserting.

[Eichhörnchen]

When a clown farts, does it smell funny?

[Eisenwurst]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

[Jimbuna]

For those worried about Alexa listening to your conversations Amazon are now releasing a male version called Alex who ignores everything you say.

[Jimbuna]

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.
“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

After 3 hours of popping I’ve now been fired!

[Platapus]

Some one stole the wheels off of a police car


The police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.

[Reece]

Not really a joke but an old electricians saying:
Put the saddle on the stove Ma, we're riding the range tonight! :D


This was in reference to a saddle on the electrical cable hose.

Edit:
I hope I haven't put this up before!! :hmmm:

[Catfish]

^ :haha:

[...] Edit:
I hope I haven't put this up before!! :hmmm:
No problem here, i forget a lot :oops:

[Jimbuna]

Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present. She’s going to love these flowers.

[Jimbuna]

Went on a date last night which was a total disaster. The girl told he over the phone she was expecting a baby, so I went to the pub wearing nothing but a nappy, felt like a right idiot!

[Eisenwurst]

Why did Mickey Mouse go into space ?

To find Pluto.

[Reece]

Oh that is just so bad!! :yep:

[Eisenwurst]

There's a good one about why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie, but it's a bit naughty for here. :oops:

[Jimbuna]

All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except Winter and Summer. And Autumn.

[Jimbuna]

Just been scammed out of $25.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”

Total waste of money, turns out it’s all about golf.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the joke about the butter?
I’m not going to spread it.

[O.Kusch]

Why a merried man cannot fall asleep after having sex?

Because he still must drive at home.

[Eisenwurst]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot ?

a carrot.

[Platapus]

There's a good one about why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie, but it's a bit naughty for here. :oops:


That is one of my favorites:up:

[Platapus]

Got an E-mail advertising how to read maps backwards


I think its spam

[Eisenwurst]

If you're an Aussie in the Living Room, what are you in the toilet ?

European.

[Jimbuna]

My wife died a few months ago. Ever since I’ve been a total mess… no sleep, weight loss, bloodshot eyes, unlaundered clothes… The other day my best friend told me “Steve, you’ve got to stop partying!”

[Jimbuna]

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette’s suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

[Eisenwurst]

Why did the kid cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

[Jimbuna]

Hearing the words “Jesus loves you” in a church it feels nice.
Hearing the words “Jesus loves you” in a Mexican prison is quite scary and is usually followed by severe pain.

[Jimbuna]

Jesus is the best. I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

[Platapus]

There is nothing as comforting as the laughter of a baby


Unless it is two o'clock in the morning and you are the only one in your house!:o