The joke thread II

[Platapus]

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are still closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.

[Jimbuna]

We gave our granddad the nickname ‘Spiderman’,

He hasn’t got any super powers, he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

[Jimbuna]

My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning.

I can’t believe Gaviscon.

[Platapus]

I ran out of body wash this morning.


I was looking for something I could use as a substitute


Then it dawned on me.

[Jimbuna]

I was holding my sister’s baby yesterday when she asked me to wind it. Seemed a bit harsh so I decided to just give it a dead leg instead.

[Gargamel]

I think I'm going to start an all marsupial fight club.


I'll call it Mortal Wombat.

[Jimbuna]

Fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up it was gone and replaced with a shiny new fifty pence piece. Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy.

[Jimbuna]

Made a taxi driver really angry tonight.

Told him to drive me home in reverse and now he owes me £16.20.

[Jimbuna]

Got my wife a new bag and belt for Christmas. Vacuum cleaner should be like new once she fits in the new parts.

[Texas Red]

I think I'm going to start an all marsupial fight club.


I'll call it Mortal Wombat.

^^^^:haha::haha:

[Jimbuna]

One more sleep till Christmas if you’re an insomniac.

[Catfish]

I think I'm going to start an all marsupial fight club.

I'll call it Mortal Wombat.
:rotfl2::rotfl2::up:

[Jimbuna]

My cooking is awful.

Does anyone know how much vodka you’re supposed to add to cheese-on-toast?

[Jimbuna]

Just had some people knock on my door trying to convince me that ‘brown bread’ is better than ‘white bread’.

They told me they were hovis witness.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/rmgTs2hh/118783674-10220377940852986-2337526573167624229-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

Girl: Do you think I’m pretty or ugly?
Boy: You’re both!
Girl: What do you mean?
Boy: You’re pretty ugly

[Jimbuna]

Guy who owns my local cinema just died.

His funeral is on Monday at 12:10, 14:20 and 18:40.

[Jimbuna]

I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.

He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”

[Catfish]

^ :doh:
:haha:

[Jimbuna]

Just drove to work in a £200,000 vehicle. I love catching the bus.

[Jimbuna]

Was playing charades last night and my uncle suffered a stroke! Unfortunately it took quite a while to phone an ambulance because we were all shouting “Sylvester Stallone! Sylvester Stallone!”

[Platapus]

One time when I was flying, the flight attendant asked me if I wanted a snack.


I asked her what my options were


She said, slowly, "Either yes or no"

[Platapus]

I sued an airline for lost luggage
I ended up losing my case

[Platapus]

True fact


The person who invented the umbrella originally wanted to call it a brella, but he hesitated.

[Catfish]

^ :haha:

They should try the new vaccine on government's members.
If they survive the vaccine works.
If they die the nation is saved.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a candle and a curry?

A candle only burns at one end.

[Jimbuna]

If I was a teacher I would staple burger king application forms to failed exam tests.

[Catfish]

What’s the difference between a candle and a curry?

A candle only burns at one end.
"Alles hat ein Ende nur die Wurst hat zwei"

~ All has an end, only a sausage has two

[Platapus]

The spread of COVID is based on two factors


1. How dense the population is


2. How dense the population is

[Jimbuna]

Last year was one of the most memorable times of my life. I remember shouting “I don’t believe it, it’s a boy, it’s a boy!!”

That’s when I decided to never visit Thailand ever again.

[Jimbuna]

I heard if you drink every day that means your an alcoholic so I now only drink at night.

[Platapus]

I joined Alcoholics Anonymous


I still drink, but I use an assumed name

[Jimbuna]

Got an email from a bored housewife the other day looking for ‘some action’ so I decided to send her some of my ironing to keep her busy.

[Platapus]

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

[Platapus]

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent :oops:

[Platapus]

A High school class was discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple.

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ....

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about that new TV program about origami?
It’s paper view.

[Jimbuna]

My new business on Ebay is a great success. Just sold my homing pigeons for the 17th time in a row!

[Platapus]

A politician visits a small town and asks the mayor what problems do they have. the mayor replies that they have two problems. The first one is that they have a hospital but they don't have a doctor.

The politician takes out his mobile phone, makes a call and discusses for a while on the phone, to finally tell the mayor:

"Your problem is already solved. Tomorrow morning a doctor will come to your town. What is the second problem?"

"We don't have mobile coverage in this area - replies the mayor.

[Jimbuna]

“Sorry I don’t know if its a boy or a girl yet, we’ll have to wait until the baby grows older and decides for itself!” Said no doctor ever.

[mapuc]

An elderly woman went to see her doctor.

- Doctor I have a problem I keep on farting, but you can't hear them and they don't smell, in fact while I have said these words I have farted two times, the woman said to the doctor.

- Here is an prescription for some pills you need to take morning and evening for 14 days and return when there are no more pills, the doctor said to the elderly woman

14 days later the elderly woman was again sitting in the same chair.

- Doctor doctor, what was it in those pills, now my farts smells terrible, the woman said

- Splendid, the problem with your nose have been cured, now we have to deal with your hearing problems...


Markus

[Jimbuna]

Saw two fat people talking earlier today. It was a HEAVY discussion!

[Jimbuna]

A policeman arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[Jimbuna]

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree, which is a plant. Therefore chocolate is a type of salad. The End.

[Jimbuna]

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person next to you and thanked God that you’re still alive?? I did that this morning. I’m now banned from flying withy British Airways.

[Jimbuna]

I think I might be a racist. My favourite sports are marathons, formula 1 and horse racing.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently when your wife says “do whatever you want” that’s not what she means. Luckily the stripper I ordered agreed to a refund.

[Platapus]

A man was killed by a starter pistol


Police think it was race related

[Jimbuna]

The universe made of 4 things, protons, electrons, neutrons and morons.

[Jimbuna]

I hate it when funerals are at 9am. I’m not a mourning person.

[Jimbuna]

If God made everything then does that mean he’s Chinese?

[Jimbuna]

Paddy won the lottery, 22 million, He went to collect his winnings and they said, Really sorry Paddy but we haven’t got enough money to pay you it all. We will give you 11 million this week and 11 million next week, Ah be Jesus says paddy. If your gonna mess me about gimme me pound back.

[Jimbuna]

My dad died recently. He lost a lot of blood and nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.

[Jimbuna]

Asked a librarian the other day if she had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: “They’re right behind you.”

[Jimbuna]

Just seen at idiot in my local gym putting a bottle of water into the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

[Jimbuna]

If ‘Plan A’ fails remember that you still have 25 other letters left.

[Platapus]

There was a bottleneck at the Tickle Me Elmo assembly factory


There was this one woman who was hand sewing a small bag with two marbles between the legs of each Tickle Me Elmo.


The supervisor informed her that she misunderstood her job. She was supposed to give each Elmo two test tickles.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place in a bar between me and a Chinese man.

Me: Do you know martial arts like Kung fu, ju-jitsu or karate?
Chinese man: Why you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese?
Me: No… It’s because you’re drinking my beer!!

[Jimbuna]

My doctor told me today that I have the body of a 25 year old.
Not sure how he discovered my secret so I decided to kill him and bury them both together.

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the radio today that bad drivers are gonna be getting £100 fines. Seems a bit sexist.

[Platapus]

I told the bank teller that I wanted to open up an account.


She said "whatever"


The bank was offering zero interest checking accounts.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation with my boss.

Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.”
Boss: “Don’t give me that!”
Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”

[Eichhörnchen]

Old man (Subsim member) to his doctor: "Doctor, I take a crap every morning at 8 o'clock"

Doctor to old man: "That's good, so what's the matter?"

Old man: "I wake up at 9 o'clock"

[Jimbuna]

Last night my girlfriend asked me to name all the women I’ve slept with. I probably should have stopped when I got to her.

[Platapus]

Last night my girlfriend asked me to name all the women I’ve slept with. I probably should have stopped when I got to her.




Variation


I asked my wife how many men has she "been" with.
She said five
I told her that being number 5 was not too bad:)
She told me I was number 3


fml

[Jimbuna]

I had a job interview yesterday and I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

The interviewer asked “Are you nervous?”
I replied, “No, I always give 110%.”

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently newspapers are “old school”. She was right, the fly didn’t stand a chance.

[Jimbuna]

The worst part about getting fired from my job at the unemployment office was that I still had to show up the next day.

[Jimbuna]

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen two men walking together wearing matching clothes. I asked them if they were gay and they arrested me.

[Jimbuna]

My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working​, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!

[Jimbuna]

Just found out that I’m colourblind…

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

[Jimbuna]

Fun idea. If you have no kids hire a babysitter anyway and tell them the kids are asleep upstairs and not to be disturbed. When you come home ask them why the kids are missing.

[Jimbuna]

Last night I was gonna surprise my Korean Wife with a romantic meal but someone let the cat out of the bag.

[Platapus]

I just ended a five year long relationship


I don't feel too bad. It was not mine.

[Jimbuna]

My teacher didn’t believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

[Platapus]

Cats are weird. Mine would stare at me for hours, then I noticed that she was not staring at my face, but staring at my left shoulder.


Then my sister died and now my cat is staring at my right shoulder

[Jimbuna]

If my grandmother ever found out how much I spent on her funeral. She would be spinning in her ditch.

[Platapus]

I was with my girlfriend last night
She started screaming at me "Give it to me! Oh Give it to me baby. You know how wet I am. I need it now!"


I looked at her and said. "I don't care how much you yell, I am not giving you my umbrella".

[Platapus]

I was standing in line at the grocery store yesterday.


I was behind this mother who had her two small babies with her. I notice that her order was nothing but baby food and stuff. Not a single item for herself.


Her total came up to under $100 but her credit card was declined.


I decided to do the nice thing. Yeah it was a lot of stuff, but I helped her put it all back on the shelves.


#gooddeed

[Jimbuna]

They say money is the root of all evil which is why I never give any money to Africa. They have enough problems already.

[Platapus]

I always put as much money into IRA accounts as I could.



I didn't want my car blown up

[Jimbuna]

Found out today that Piranha fish can totally remove the flesh from a child’s body in under 5 minutes.
On the downside, I’ve now been fired from my job at the aquarium.

[Jimbuna]

Took a girl home last night and I accidentally said ‘how’s your daddy’ instead of ‘who’s your daddy’. We spent 2 hours talking about her dad’s cholesterol.

[Platapus]

Stupid cops! :mad:


They arrested my uncle for something he did not do!!


Evidently, he did not remember to wipe his fingerprints off the safe.

[Jimbuna]

Some people say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I’m a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street, smoking, talking on my cellphone and getting hit by a car all at the same time.

[Jimbuna]

Tried to give myself a sex change earlier today but I couldn’t quite pull it off.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to stop drinking. Fed up of waking up in my car doing 90mph.

[Jimbuna]

Went on a date with a girl and I told her to text me when she got home. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still haven’t got a text, I think she must be homeless.

[Platapus]

I had to borrow my best friend's cell phone to call my wife to tell her that I would be late again.


She answer the phone "Hi Honey, I missed you, when can you be over!"


How did she know it was me?

[Jimbuna]

My Korean girlfriend made a pie from Scratch this weekend. I’m gonna miss that dog.

[Jimbuna]

Just been pulled over by a cop. He said ‘can you identify yourself sir’ so I pulled out a mirror and said ‘yep that’s me!’

[Jimbuna]

If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

[Platapus]

I have not had a car accident in over 30 years
My wife says I drive wrecklessly

[Jimbuna]

You know you’re a bad driver when your SatNav says “In 400 yards, please stop the car and let me out”.

[Jimbuna]

Just read an article about the top 100 things to do before you die. Was quite surprised that screaming “HELP ME!!” didn’t make the list.

[Jimbuna]

I haven’t seen the new Star Wars film yet but when I do it’s gonna be really annoying because of all the spoilers people have been posting about Princess Leia dying.

[Jimbuna]

Iraqi Awards Night:

And the 2016 winner for suicide bomber of the year goes to… Abdul Sahib. Unfortunately he couldn’t be here with us tonight.

[Platapus]

For my birthday, a friend gave me a Telepathic Abacus


I guess it is the thought that counts

[Platapus]

There is a new show on Netflix about a Camel herder trying to break into the milk business


It is a dromedary dairy drama

[Platapus]

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick


She is not talking to me

[Jimbuna]

Why are some diseases more acceptable than others? When you have cancer you get compassion and sympathy but when you’re an alcoholic you get shouted at and thrown out of the ladies toilets at McDonalds.

[Jimbuna]

The Muslims first invented the condom in the year 654 using a goat intestine. Christians expanded on this idea in 1364 by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[Jimbuna]

Feeling really alone today so I decided to buy some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company.

[Platapus]

I met this cute ventriloquist in a bar. She said I was very attractive.


I don't know if it was her or the beer talking.

[Platapus]

What does Jeff Bezos do before going to sleep?


He puts his pajamazon

[Platapus]

Some people like white sugar and other people prefer brown sugar.


I like them both. I guess I am ambidextrose.

[Catfish]

A "compliment" for a recently divorced soccer mom, and the DEA:

"Hey girl, are you the war on drugs? Because you definitely over fourty, and it doesn't look as if you have ever worked a day in your life."

[Jimbuna]

Phone rings at 2am.

Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

[Jimbuna]

I love how all these vegans still drink water. That’s a fishes house you disgusting savages.

[Jimbuna]

Donald Trump has just released new details about his plan to send illegals back to Mexico. He’s gonna deport them Juan by Juan.

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Give it to me straight doctor.
Doctor: I can’t were both male.
Patient: Hahaha!!
Doctor: .. and also I wouldn’t want to catch AIDS.

[Jimbuna]

The defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner.
He asked sternly, "before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "did you listen to the heart?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "did you check for breathing?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "So, how could you be sure when you signed the death certificate that the man was dead?"
Coroner: "Well, the man's brain was sitting in a jar on a tray next to my examination table. I was pretty certain he was dead. But, I suppose it's possible he still may be able to practice law."

[Jimbuna]

Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

[Jimbuna]

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

[Jimbuna]

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

[Jimbuna]

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *walks away*

[Catfish]

Wolf to the herd of sheep:
"I am a wolf! Aren't you supposed to run?"

Sheep:
"It only hits the old and the sick"
"You only threaten us to take away our freedom"
"We believe in herd immunity"
"A healthy sheep's body will survive a bite"
"There are no wolves, it's all fake news"

[Jimbuna]

Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[Jimbuna]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Jimbuna]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[Platapus]

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

[Platapus]

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

[Platapus]

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

[Jimbuna]

I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

[Catfish]

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.
A dick rising to power
^:haha:
This is why China is the most democratic country in the world:
Xi Jin Ping: "I have elections evely molning"

[Jimbuna]

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

[Platapus]

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII

[Platapus]

If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain

[Platapus]

There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen.

[Jimbuna]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

[Jimbuna]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[Catfish]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
:haha:

Watching Fox News all the time, but no news about foxes?

[Jimbuna]

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."

[Jimbuna]

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

[Jimbuna]

Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."

[Jimbuna]

George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Dick Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Cheney took George W. outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!" "No kidding," replied George W., "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

[Jimbuna]

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

[Jimbuna]

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

[Jimbuna]

One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. When he arrives in his pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is Joe Biden. Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr. Biden, with Donald Trump and Mike Pence on board. Mike Pence leans over and pulls him out. Then Donald Trump and Mike Pence begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope says to the men, "I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings." The pope packs off and drives out of site. Trump asks, "Who was that?" "That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing and in touch with God. Leader of the Catholic Church," says Pence. Trump says, "Well that's all neat and fine, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?"

[Platapus]

The Pope, as a way of practicing his English, was doing a crossword puzzle.


Struggling with one puzzle, the Pope asks one of his Cardinals,



"Cardinal, I need a four letter English word that can mean a woman and and it must end in "unt".


The Cardinal thinks for a moment and replies, "Your Holiness, the English word you are looking for is "Aunt".


The Pope then asks "Do you have an eraser?"

[August]

An Imam, a Rabbit and a Priest walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the Rabbit "what would you like to drink?"


The rabbit says "I don't know, i'm only here because of Spelling Autocorrect!"

:)

[Jimbuna]

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.''

[Jimbuna]

I went into a Liberal clothing store today to purchase some pants. When I started trying on a few pairs, I noticed that all the pockets except one were visibly removed. I stopped a clerk and ask him if anyone complained. He said "No, Liberals always want a hand out." I asked what happened to the other pockets. "They don't go to waste: Conservatives use them to line theirs."

[Jimbuna]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

[Eichhörnchen]

Eleven years ago today my friend James came running out shouting: "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand

[Jimbuna]

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

[Eichhörnchen]

^ This should be in the Christmas Cracker Joke thread

[Jimbuna]

It's not that bad, shirley.

[Eichhörnchen]

And don't call me Shirley

https://i.imgur.com/4wU9AvR.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Forgot to end with a question mark :)

[Jimbuna]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

[Jimbuna]

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

[Platapus]

Every time I use Amazon Prime to watch my shows I can only watch episodes 1,3,5,7,11...

[Platapus]

Why was the geometry teacher late for class?


She took the Rombus

[Platapus]

I have found that when I post jokes on the Internet that they are not remotely funny.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

[Jimbuna]

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhoea!"

[Jimbuna]

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

[Jimbuna]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

[Jimbuna]

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
A: Open-toad!

[Jimbuna]

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla."

[Jimbuna]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[Platapus]

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican National Committee and is trying to get Trump re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
A: Bugs bunny.

[Jimbuna]

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

[Jimbuna]

One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

[Jimbuna]

A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my pecker could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: "Odour in the court!"

[Jimbuna]

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

[Platapus]

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." — Batman Halloween costume warning label, Wal-Mart, 1993.


Not a joke, this was a real label.

[Jimbuna]

I can well imagine hence the multiple times you see "You should not try this at home"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUcYkH81L7Q

[Eisenwurst]

Possibly an old joke...but I'm goin' with it.....

An Irishman and a Mormon were sitting side by side on a flight.

The Stewardess brings the Irishman the Whiskey he'd ordered, then asks the Mormon if he'd like a drink too.

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than have liquor touch my lips" the Mormon says.

At this point the Irishman hands his drink back, and says....

"I didn't know we had a choice".

[Platapus]

Welcome aboard. Nothing like introducing yourself with a good old cheesy joke. :up:

[Jimbuna]

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?" The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!"

[Jimbuna]

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

[Platapus]

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

[Platapus]

What do you call a Russian politician who is first to test their new Corona vaccine?

Alexei Navalni

[Platapus]

What separates politicians and liars?

The word "and"

[Platapus]

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens didn't exist yet.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party?
A: Because everyone thought he was a boar.

[Platapus]

I went to an antique auction
People kept bidding for me.

[Platapus]

The English Language is weird


It can be understood though tough, thorough thought though.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A: "It's pasture bedtime."

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell around its neck?
A: Because its horns don't work.

[Jimbuna]

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

[Jimbuna]

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

[Jimbuna]

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favour. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

[Jimbuna]

Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
A: Its butt.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a famous fish?
A: A star fish.

[Jimbuna]

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?

[Jimbuna]

Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"

[Jimbuna]

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "Cute, cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"

[Jimbuna]

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650." "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

[Jimbuna]

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

[Jimbuna]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are £1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

[Jimbuna]

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It does not matter, it's not going to come.

[Jimbuna]

A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles. The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."

[Platapus]

What did Sean Connery say to a woman who had two black eyes?


Nothing, he already told her twice.

[Aktungbby]

Why can't Trump go in the White House? Because it's forbiden!:doh:

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long?
A: Because if it were 12 inches long, it would be a foot!

[Jimbuna]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suHIvvMLWUw

[Jimbuna]

Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"

[Jimbuna]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[Jimbuna]

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many Cheetahs!

[Jimbuna]

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, "Why doesn't the stork recognize me?"

[Jimbuna]

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

[Platapus]

I had it tough growing up.



It wasn't until I was 6 years old before I learned that there was no such thing as Alpo baby food.

[Catfish]

Being a child i was told to never open the cellar door, and i obeyed.
It wasn't until my 20ieth birthday that i climbed the stairs and opened it.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
A: "Dam."

[Catfish]

She: "Can it be i have gained weight during this quarantine?"
He: "You never were really slenderly built!"

Presumed time of death: 20:51 o'clock.
Cause: Corona

[Jimbuna]

Q: What show do cows love to watch while they're eating?
A: Graze Anatomy.

[Jimbuna]

Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, "Forget it, those things taste funny."

[Jimbuna]

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Jimbuna]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why do milking stools only have three legs?
A: Because the cow’s got the udder!

[Jimbuna]

Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher then the average house due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump?

[Jimbuna]

Why are worms great at poker? They have five hearts.

[Jimbuna]

A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a genie appears and grants them each three wishes. The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done. Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard. For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female. The bunny wishes for a motorcycle. Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female. The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.

[Jimbuna]

A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?" "No sir, it all happened so fast!"

[Jimbuna]

What did the doctor say when a pony came in complaining about a sore throat? "I know what's wrong here; you're just a little hoarse!"

[Jimbuna]

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe." Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

[Jimbuna]

A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, "I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious." The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The priest's parrot replies, "Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"

[Platapus]

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A: A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

[Jimbuna]

Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because it was a dirty double crosser.

[Platapus]

Cad: A man who does not tell his wife that he had a vasectomy until after she is pregnant.

[Platapus]

Even thought I have lost most of my hair, I still carry comb. I have had it for years but I just can't part with it.

[Platapus]

I have made a resolution not to eat Thanksgiving dinner leftovers this year.

I am quitting cold turkey.

[Jimbuna]

A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse. As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing. He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is. "If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!" Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks, "What did you do when you lost your first horse?" He replies, "I walked."

[Jimbuna]

Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing. Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

[Platapus]

The firefighters said that the fire in my house was caused by arson


The spooky thing is that I don't have children.

[Jimbuna]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve ducks here." The duck says, "I'll pay you $20." "Your money isn't good here." "Then put it on my bill."

[Jimbuna]

One night a Deer, a Skunk and a Duck went out for dinner at a restaurant. When it came time to pay, the Skunk didn't have a scent, the Deer didn't have a buck, so they put it on the Duck's bill.

[Platapus]

At my age, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because they have such small ears.

[Platapus]

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.