The joke thread II

[Platapus]

A man just assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy.

[Jimbuna]

I have a fantasy, to sleep with 2 women... in the same year.

[Platapus]

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”





I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

[Jimbuna]

Would you call an Italian hooker a pasta-tute?

[Platapus]

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you.







That’s the punch line.

[Jimbuna]

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

[Jimbuna]

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

[Platapus]

The only idea that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

[Jimbuna]

I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.

[Platapus]

I visited my friend at his new house.



He told me to make myself at home.



So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

[Platapus]

Positive thought for the day:


Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

[Jimbuna]

If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?

[Jimbuna]

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

[Jimbuna]

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

[Platapus]

You know you’re not well-liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

[Jimbuna]

At the Gym last week I found a tiny hole in one of my trainers. Just small enough to fit a finger in. However.. I was reported and now banned for life.

[Platapus]

I told my psychiatrist that I’d been hearing voices.



He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.


:o:o:o

[Jimbuna]

My brain boots up like a 10 year old PC that frequents gambling and adult websites.

[Platapus]

“Just say no to drugs!”



Well, if I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

[ET2SN]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4Grcgdw4Mc

:Kaleun_Smile:

[Jimbuna]

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

[Platapus]

Definition of a Cad


A man who does not tell his wife he is sterile until after she becomes pregnant.

[Jimbuna]

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

[Platapus]

What do you call an inexpensive circumcision?



A rip-off.

[Platapus]

I was was watching a basketball game with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”







So we stopped watching basketball.

[Jimbuna]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob if we don't get support people are going to think we're nuts.

[Jimbuna]

What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

[Platapus]

February contains two very interesting events -- Groundhog Day and the State of the Union speech


One involves a meaningless ritual where we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality.


The other involves a Groundhog.

[Jimbuna]

In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario.

[Jimbuna]

My midget friend got thrown out of the nudist colony because he kept getting in everyone's hair.

[Platapus]

A limbo champion walks into a bar.





He’s disqualified.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the belt get arrested? Because it held up a pair of pants!

[Platapus]

“Indecisive” is my favorite word.





Actually, no, it isn’t.

[Jimbuna]

What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean? A blackboard!

[Platapus]

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.


“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

[Jimbuna]

How do you fix a woman's watch? Why should you? There's a clock on the oven.

[Platapus]

I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

[Jimbuna]

How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His senentences start with "A woman once told me.."

[Platapus]

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?



They kill people.

[Jimbuna]

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!" I said: "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."

[Aktungbby]

/\ "U idiot!" Jimbuna replied; "for daughters, U always use a mangonel!":arrgh!:

[Jimbuna]

I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.

[Jimbuna]

I just researched my family tree and discovered that I am the sap!

[Platapus]

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.







Except at a funeral.

[Jimbuna]

What did one squirrel say to the other? Come around the tree and I'll show you my nuts.

[Jeff-Groves]

I interviewed for a job when they asked the question.
"What steps would you take in case of a fire?"






Apparently "Big freaking ones!" Was the wrong answer.

[Jimbuna]

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

[Platapus]

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much.



But I’m not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themselfs.

[Jimbuna]

What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't? Her navel.

[Jimbuna]

Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

[Platapus]

Why are friends a lot like snow?





If you pee on them, they disappear.




of course that depends on the friend. :)

[Jimbuna]

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

[Jimbuna]

The Titanic was built to last, let that sink in.

[Jimbuna]

If a professional piano player is pianist, is a professional race car driver racist? And what about people who make rap music?

[Jeff-Groves]

A burglar broke in my house last night but I knew exactly what to do.
I grabbed my laser pointer and aimed it at his forehead.
My 3 cats took care of the rest.
The Doctors say he should survive.

[Platapus]

How is a woman like a car?


how many times, on a cold morning, it just won't turn over?

[Jimbuna]

I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.

[Platapus]

My grief counselor died.



He was so good, I don’t even care.

[Jimbuna]

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

[Platapus]

What’s the first thing you should do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?


Throw in your dirty laundry.

[Jimbuna]

I think it'd be cool if they made those classical nude sculptures out of timber instead of stone, wooden tit?

[Platapus]

Say what you will about pedophiles.



At least they drive slowly through school zones.

[Jimbuna]

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.

[Platapus]

What’s the difference between an ISIS training camp and a Pakistani elementary school?




I don’t know, man. I just fly the drone.

[Jimbuna]

The problem with sex in the movies is, that the popcorn usually spills.

[Jimbuna]

Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.

[Jimbuna]

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.

[Platapus]

What's the difference between my girlfriend and a mosquito?



A mosquito stops sucking after you slap them.


:D

[Jimbuna]

I don't think it's possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

[Platapus]

Man walks into my office and says "I am from Russian Intelligence"


I reply "Gee, are you?


He said "No, FSB"


(rimshot)

[Jimbuna]

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

[Platapus]

Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone, and the speedbump starts screaming?

[magic452]

At a class for couples who are expecting their first child the instructor gives some suggestions to them.
She tells the women they should start walking to strengthen the muscles that will make delivery easier.
She tells the husbands to encourage the walking by going with their wives and bonding through the pregnancy
and she adds that the walking would be better if done on a soft surface like sand or grass.



One of the men in the group raises his hand and asks, "Would it be OK if she carries a golf bag?"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What do u find in an empty nose? Finger prints.

[Jimbuna]

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. It's okay though, I'm self-employed.

[Platapus]

What do my dad and Nemo have in common?



They both can’t be found.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

[Platapus]

Why can’t orphans play baseball?




They don’t know where home is.

[Jimbuna]

Yo momma's like a door handle... everybody gets a turn

[Jimbuna]

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a snowman orgy? A snowball fight.

[Platapus]

Doctor hands me a baby:


Sorry, you’re wife didn’t make it.


hmmm :shifty:

[Eisenwurst]

2 guys are watching a dog lick his genitals.

First guy..."I wish I could do that".

Second guy...."He'd probably bite you".

[Jimbuna]

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

[Jimbuna]

I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it — and he's always on time.

[Catfish]

Three prisoners in a russian jail have a talk:

"What are you in for?"
"I shamed and insulted the war criminal, Girkin."
"And you?"
"I publicly supported the hero of Russia, Girkin."
"And you?"
"Me? I am Girkin."

[Platapus]

When I went to the dentist, I told him that I did not have a lot of money


So he gave me buck teeth

[Jimbuna]

The girls in my local strip club are so good with computers they do lap top dancing.

[Platapus]

Bedbugs are found in beds


Fruit flies are found in fruit


Cockroaches......nevermind

[Eisenwurst]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAh3VMWQqk8

20 mins long, but by golly it's good. :har:

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the 2 gay men that got into a fight in a bar? They were ejected for exchanging blows.

[Platapus]

I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park.



It’s not easy. You try finding sixteen white and sixteen black old guys.

[Jimbuna]

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between a man and a woman? Don't think dirty! Only "wo".

[Jimbuna]

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.

[Platapus]

I wasn’t close to my father when he died.




Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

[Jimbuna]

I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I'm walking away from talking to someone they say "What an ass?"

[Platapus]

A man and a little boy are walking through the woods one night. The boy turns to the man and says:


“Mister, I’m scared.”


“You’re scared?” replies the man. “I’m the one who’s gonna have to walk all the way back to the car by myself.”

[Jimbuna]

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.

[Jimbuna]

The police arrested me for killing and raping a girl. My defense? This corpse has been a virgin her whole life!

[Platapus]

There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him, and every day more were converted.


But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people.


The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby, it became clear that this baby was an albino.


The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief, saying:
“Chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black.”


The chief cuts him off, saying:
“Ok, I won’t tell about the baby if you don’t tell about the sheep.”

[Jimbuna]

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

[Platapus]

My wife tells people that I am the umbrella in her life.




Whenever she is under me, she doesn't get wet. :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Little catholic boy asked the priest "do you mind if I play the organ this week?" And the priest replied "not at all."

[Platapus]

A guy was walking to a bar. On his way, he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.



He untied her, and he ends up having sex with her.


The guy gets to the bar, and his friends ask why he’s so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they tried out.


The friends give him props and ask if he got head.



The guy replies: No, I couldn’t find it.

[Jimbuna]

A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out. "No, just taking a sh!t!"

[Platapus]

My wife treats me like a god.


She usually ignores me until she wants something.

[Jimbuna]

Firefighters in London were called to assist hospital staff when a man's genital became trapped in a spanner. A hospital spokesman said the patient took a turn for the worse.

[Platapus]

Why shouldn't blind people skydive?


Because it scares the hell out of their dogs

[Jimbuna]

What do women and modern computers have in common? Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.

[Platapus]

An American tourist in the UK is trying to pick up women in a bar.


“Hey, are you girls from England?”


“It’s Wales!”


“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you whales from England?”

[Jimbuna]

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

[Platapus]

Did you hear that people in Dubai don’t like The Flintstones?


But the people in Abu Dhabi Do!

[Jimbuna]

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

[Jimbuna]

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

[Platapus]

If I’m going to be frank, I’d have to change my name.

[Jimbuna]

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

[Platapus]

This girl thought she recognized me from the vegetarian club,





but I’ve never met herbivore.

[Jimbuna]

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

[Platapus]

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.


In the US, lines 2 and 3 are superfluous. :shifty:


Thanks for explaining the word ‘many’ .



It means a lot to me.

[Jimbuna]

One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

[Platapus]

I had a conversation with a dolphin once.



It felt like we really clicked.

[Jimbuna]

Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.

“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”

“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”

[Platapus]

What do you call a moose with no name? Anony-moose.

[Jimbuna]

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

[Platapus]

What causes dry skin?





A towel.

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

[Platapus]

What do you call a bug that can't make a decision?



A may-bee.

[Jimbuna]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

[Jimbuna]

A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.

“Shucks,” the boy said, “it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”

“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”

The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”

[Platapus]

What do you call a bear with no teeth?





A gummy bear.

[Jimbuna]

On a Miami­ to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.

As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘”Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”

[Platapus]

What do you call spaghetti in disguise?





An impasta.

[Jimbuna]

Rushing up to a large airline’s ticket counter, a man gasped, “Miss, please help me. I have to get to Chicago in the worst way!”

The clerk calmly pointed to her left and said, “Sir, that would be the airline next to us.”

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

[Platapus]

What did one hat say to the other?



You go on ahead.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the one about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?

[Platapus]

Someone glued my deck of cards together.



I don't know how to deal with it.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the one about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the one about the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?





He got 12 months.

[Jimbuna]

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

[Platapus]

How many USAF Academy Graduate fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb?




Just one. He or she just holds on to it and the whole damn Air Force revolves around them.

[Jimbuna]

“We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.”

[Jimbuna]

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”

[Platapus]

I always pronounce one word wrong.





Wrong.

[Jimbuna]

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

[Platapus]

What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest?



An investigator.

[Jimbuna]

A bird in the hand is bad table manners.

[Platapus]

What do you call a Knight who liked to scare people?


Sir Prise

[Jimbuna]

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

[Platapus]

I avoid hanging out with pigs.



They're a boar.

[Jimbuna]

An American was being shown a big Soviet sign factory. “We turn out about 500 signs a week,” proudly said the Russian, “and when business demands it, we can step it up to 2,000.”

“Amazing!” said the visitor. “By the way, what do the signs say?”

“Elevators not running,” was the answer.

[Platapus]

What's stranger than seeing a catfish?



Watching a fish bowl.

[Jimbuna]

NBC’s Moscow correspondent Irving R. Levine heard a Russian greet a friend with: “Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years.”

[Platapus]

I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?



Unfortunately, many soles were lost.

[Jimbuna]

It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, “Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.” Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles?



He got over it.

[Jimbuna]

When my brother began his psychiatric practice, his first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman. My brother motioned for her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure. Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.

“Now then,” he asked, “how did your trouble begin?”

“Just like this,” she said.

[Jimbuna]

A reporter covering the Iowa State Legislature proceedings wore light summer shoes on a day when it snowed, and the following day—a pleasant, dry one—he wore overshoes. A legislator asked him about it. “It’s the effect of being around government,” he replied. “I am now prepared for yesterday.”

[Platapus]

What do clouds wear beneath their pants?



Thunderwear.

[Jimbuna]

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store.”

[Platapus]

What's the best way to catch a fish?



Ask someone to throw it to you.

[Jimbuna]

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches.”

“He’s an athlete?”

“No—an architect.”

[Platapus]

Why shouldn't you tell jokes to a duck?



Because they'll quack up.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear…about the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It’s part of an anti-litter campaign.

[Platapus]

What do you call a fake dad?





A faux pas.

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[Platapus]

Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs?



Yes, hailing taxis.

[Jimbuna]

“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.”

“What on earth do you need an elephant for?”

“I don’t. I just need the money.”

[Platapus]

How many apples can you grow on a tree?





All of them.

[Jimbuna]

While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been.

“Nonsense,” I replied, flattered.

“No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.”

[Platapus]

My manager told me to have a good day.



So I didn't go into work.

[Jimbuna]

I was administering an achievement test to David, a precocious six-year-old, and I began by asking him when his birthday was.

“February 20,” was his quick response.

Next I asked him, “What year, David?”

He looked at me quizzically at first and then hit upon the obvious answer. “Every year,” he said.

[Platapus]

My grandson asked me where I was born


I told him, Texas


What part?, Grandpa?


All of me.

[Jimbuna]

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it.”

[Platapus]

In my marriage, we have an agreement


I am in charge of all the big decisions and she is in charge of all the small decisions.


In 30 years, there has not been a need for a big decision yet.

[Jimbuna]

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

[Platapus]

Before Mount Rushmore was sculptured, its beauty was....


(puts on sunglasses)


unprecedented.

[Jimbuna]

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

[Platapus]

hen does Friday come before Thursday?





In the dictionary.

[Jimbuna]

“First, the doctor told me the good news. He said that I was going to have a disease named after me.”

[Jimbuna]

“Hello, Reverend Smith? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is Samuel Jones a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink?





He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

[Jimbuna]

One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”

The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”

[Platapus]

What's a zebra?





A couple sizes bigger than an A.

[Jimbuna]

I’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor’s. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.

“Mom, we’ve got to go,” I interjected, but she couldn’t hear me over the chatter. “Mom!” I repeated as I pulled her away.

“Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do,” she said, getting into the car. “That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”

[Jeff-Groves]

I'm just curious… who was the first person to look at a split open oyster and think........

"what a nice piece of snot! I'll bet that tastes delicious!"?

Not sure but I'd bet there was a Mom yelling............


"Put that down! Oh My God!!! Did you just eat that?"

[Jimbuna]

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

[Platapus]

Since moonlight is just reflected sunlight, why aren't all vampires killed automatically at night?

[Jimbuna]

I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse absent-mindedly asked me, “Have you had a hysterectomy before?”

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar?





He ordered everyone around.

[Jimbuna]

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says.

“Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale?





It comes with no strings attached.

[Jimbuna]

I hang on to my old, beat-up appliances as long as they keep working. I thought my wife shared, or at least accepted, my philosophy. But the other morning, I saw a note posted in front of my 15-year-old coffeemaker: “Jurassic Perk.”

[Platapus]

I wanted to take a bath,





but decided to leave it where it is.

[Jimbuna]

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

[Jimbuna]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

[Platapus]

My therapist advised me to write letters to people I was mad at and then burn them.


I told her, sounds good, but what do I do with the letters?

[Jimbuna]

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”

[magic452]

John and Mary meet each other on a cruise and they hit it off very well. It turns out they both enjoy the same things and they continue to see each other after the cruise is over.

They both realize that they are meant for each other and at dinner in an upscale restaurant John proposes marriage but says to her,
"Before you answer, I have to confess one thing, I am totally into golf. I play three or four times a week, I watch it on TV and I try to go to tournaments whenever possible. Golf is always on my mind".


Mary looks at him and says, "I also have a confession, you don't know this about me but I'm a hooker."

John is quiet when he hears this but then says, "It's probably because your moving your wrists on your swing."..


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Few people know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier’s Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore—I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.

When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, “Now do you know what I do?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re a cheerleader.”

[Platapus]

Why'd the roofer go to the doctor?





He had shingles.

[Jimbuna]

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.

“If the main parachute malfunctions,” he said, “how long do we have to deploy the reserve?”

Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines?





She had issues.

[Jimbuna]

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

“You have a point,” he said. “But then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”

[Platapus]

What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich?





Millionaire.

[Jimbuna]

The English language often got the better of my German grandfather, a pastor. During one service, he announced that two members of his flock were getting married.

“You’re all invited to the wedding,” he told the congregation. “And also to the parish hall afterward for the conception.”

[Platapus]

Where do armies belong?





In your sleevies.

[Jimbuna]

Randy Pausch is a renowned computer science professor, but that didn’t carry much weight with his mother. After he got his PhD, she introduced him to friends by saying, “This is my son. He’s a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”

[Shadowblade]

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

[Jimbuna]

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

[Platapus]

Why do nurses like red crayons?







Sometimes they have to draw blood.

[Jimbuna]

About a week after my son left for boot training, I happened to go into his room for an afternoon nap. His bed was still warm and cozy, and I seemed to feel his presence. I wrote and told him that either my mind was playing tricks on me or some supernatural phenomenon had comforted me.

I was still trying to figure out the “miraculous” warmth when his reply came. “Sorry, Mother, I forgot. Turn off my electric blanket.”

[Jimbuna]

Mr. and Mrs. Shaw were on safari in Africa, walking through the jungle. Suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off.

“Shoot!” she screamed to her husband. “Shoot!”

“I can’t!” he shouted back. “I’ve run out of film!”

[Jimbuna]

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

[Platapus]

Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog?





He wanted to get a long little doggie.

[Jimbuna]

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room.

Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”

[Platapus]

How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying?







You rocket.

[Jimbuna]

From an article about a hotel renovation in the Reno Gazette-Journal: “The downstairs, which will be connected to the upstairs by a spiral staircase, will have more meeting space plus food and beverage fatalities.”

[Platapus]

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?





A shoe.

[Jimbuna]

A Stanford University professor took his young son with him on a trip across the country. One day after their return, a package was delivered with postage due. Neither the professor nor his wife had the necessary $3, but their son produced it. Surprised, his mother asked how he came to have that much money.

“Well,” he said, “Dad was awfully careless with money on our trip and nearly always left some on the table when we ate. So I just picked it up.”

[Platapus]

Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut?



He just needed a little space.

[Jimbuna]

The editor of a Vermont weekly sent to one Hiram Sparks a notice that his subscription had expired. The notice came back with the laconic scrawl: “So’s Hiram.”

[Platapus]

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?





Something catchy!

[Jimbuna]

“I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“No, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “But you used to.”

[Platapus]

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?





Annette.

[mikesn9]

Is it entirely gone, or is there another lurking somewhere?

[Shadowblade]

Are You a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: You ain't taking that dang thang to the Taxidermist!

[ET2SN]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/bjaqoUEfcyo


:Kaleun_Wink:

Second helpings:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RBu0C7B3oQU





:O:

[Shadowblade]

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.
Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

[Jimbuna]

Visitor to the War Department: “I have crossed a homing pigeon with a woodpecker. It not only delivers the message, it also knocks on the door.”

[Platapus]

I started a new diet where I wear a chunk of bread on the top of my head.


I heard my doctor say something about a loaf hat being good for me.


I am not optimistic.

[Jimbuna]

“When the wife talks it isn’t conversation—it’s a filibuster.”

[Jimbuna]

Why did the salamander go to Hollywood?

To make newt movies!

[Jimbuna]

Why did the veterinarian prescribe birth-control pills for dogs?

It’s part of an anti-litter campaign.

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

[Jimbuna]

How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

[Jimbuna]

What do rich people say when they tickle babies?

“Gucci, Gucci, goo.”

[Shadowblade]

An old man is at passport control in Paris. He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'

'Impossible!!' she bellowed.

The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find a ****ing Frenchman to give it to'

[Jimbuna]

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

[Shadowblade]

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.


https://i.pinimg.com/736x/1e/b7/9f/1eb79fa303ae8518b791da2259f1ceba.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?

Because everyone’s dying to get in.

[Platapus]

How many USAF Academy fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb?


Just one. He or she simply holds on to it and the whole Air Force revolves around them.

[Jimbuna]

What kind of felines can bowl?

Alley cats.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the man bring his watch to the bank?

He wanted to save time.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated?

He’s all right now.