The joke thread II

[Eisenwurst]

What did the Buffalo say to his son as he dropped him off at school?

Bison.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the new mummy they’ve discovered in Egypt? It was covered in nuts and chocolate.

They think his name was Pharaoh Rocher.

[Jimbuna]

I’m on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I’d originally set out to find cheap car insurance, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, the word (I’ll ) requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

[Jimbuna]

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: I was just keeping up with the traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know, that’s how far behind I am.

[Jimbuna]

I vowed to my wife that I would never hit her again, that I would find a job and raise my kids properly.The tears streamed down her face, this moment of joy would stick in my mind forever.
The moment when I said “April fools!” and dropped that gullible bitch to the ground.

Gets her every year!

[Jimbuna]

My fat ex-girlfriend recently got a t-shirt saying, ‘I’m a maneater’…
I told her that’s not how you spell manatee!

[Jimbuna]

I used to work for a Jewish carpenter.

He used to check my fingers for splinters to make sure I wasn’t stealing.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said I was rude for yawning when she was shouting at me.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I was just trying to speak.

[Platapus]

My wife said I was rude for yawning when she was shouting at me.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I was just trying to speak.


Cool joke. I don't think we have seen that posted before.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation happened after calling the police.

Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!

[Jimbuna]

Just been fired from my job as an airline pilot for smoking weed on my first day 🙁 .

Apparently I misunderstood them when they told me to “get high” after takeoff.

[Jimbuna]

Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status.

After five, it ought to default to “Unstable”

[Jimbuna]

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour: I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.

[Platapus]

Life is like a game of Tetris


Your mistakes stack up



Your accomplishments quickly disappear.

[Jimbuna]

My young daughter asked me this morning.

“Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?”

“Nothing darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

[Jimbuna]

I just can’t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently.

English and Klingon.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just called me.

She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”

I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

[Jimbuna]

My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

[Jimbuna]

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.

[Platapus]

Why did the cannibal refuse to eat the man who had no legs?


Perhaps because the cannibal was lack toes intolerant?

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve decided to dedicate my life to getting prostitutes off the streets.

Usually for an hour or so each time.

[Jimbuna]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, “You are an irresponsible father!”

I said, “Who was that? Stop the car, son.”

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation with my friend who’s gone backpacking in North Korea.

Me: So how’s your holiday in North Korea going?
Friend: I literally can’t complain and I’ve willingly decided to stay here for another 10 years without any threats of violence. Goodbye!

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Don’t eat anything fatty
Me: What? You mean like bacon or burgers?
Doctor: No fatty!! Don’t eat anything.

[Jimbuna]

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas. Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I’m now in casualty…

[Jimbuna]

I love Jesus. He’s born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate. He’s the best.

[Jimbuna]

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

[Eisenwurst]

Why did Mickey Mouse leave home ?

'Cause he couldn't stand his Old Cheese.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve decided to start an educational campaign to tell people about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

[Jimbuna]

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. None because they never get the house.

[Jimbuna]

They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m dyslexic.

So far I’ve made 2 Vases, a Jug and a teapot.

[Jimbuna]

Girl at the RyanAir check-in just told me “window or aisle”.

I replied “Window or you’ll what?”.

[Jimbuna]

My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed so I told her I have a headache.

[Jimbuna]

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said “Well, I’m off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park.”

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the news that the worlds oldest man died earlier today. Why does this keep happening?

[Jimbuna]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

[Jeff-Groves]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer!
Fixed that for you.
:up:

[Catfish]

Nigel Farage goes into his pub and asks for a pint.

The barman draws it & throws it into his face.

“Why did you do that?” Nigel asks.

“'You asked for a pint,” the barman says. “But you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.”

Farage replies: “Okay, I’ll have a pint in a pint glass”

“No. You can't ask again.,” the barman says.

“Why not?” Farage asks.

“Democracy,” the barman replies.

[Eisenwurst]

I actually saw this.

Outside a church there was a noticeboard. On it the priest had written :- "Let Jesus fix it".

Underneath some wag had dumped a broken tv.

[Catfish]

^ i would closely watch the outcome. If it works, call me!

[Jimbuna]

Just been ripped off by the guy who works at my local Chinese hardware store.
The pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

[Jimbuna]

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance …

The 5 stages of buying car insurance.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation at the airport

Security: Do you mind if we search your luggage?
Me: It depends, what are you looking for?
Security: Drugs
Me: Well in that case, no!

[Jimbuna]

Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.

[Jimbuna]

Conor McGregor walks into a bar and says, “I’ll take a couple of shots please.” The barman says, “You didn’t take them very well on Saturday”

[Jimbuna]

Just got a pizza delivered and they forgot to put mozzarella on it. I’m really cheesed off.

[magic452]

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Baltimore all my life. It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, "Oh, thank you! I've been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck."



Magic

[Jimbuna]

Just signed a £250,000 per week contract to play for Manchester United.

I just need to get them to sign it now.

[Jimbuna]

Interviewer: What’s your main weakness and strength?
Me: Well my main weakness is knowing the difference between truth and fiction.
Interviewer: And your strength?
Me: My main strength is that I’m Batman!

[Jimbuna]

Last night a cinema near me was robbed of over £1000.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large drinks and a pack of Skittles.

[Jimbuna]

Most people are shocked when they find out…

I’m a self-taught electrician.

[Jimbuna]

I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0…
That’s nice of her, paying off my debts.

[Eisenwurst]

How can you tell what clan a scotsman belongs to???

Check under his kilt, if he's got a quarter pounder, he's a Mcdonalds.

[Jimbuna]

My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife.

[Rockstar]

What one atom said to the other: "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

[Jimbuna]

I don’t understand Christians. They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on heaven being real.

[Jimbuna]

If you want to change the world do it while you’re single.
Once you get married you can’t even change the TV channel.

[Jimbuna]

My son brought his first girlfriend home tonight. The verdict? Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby backside.
Oh, and she doesn’t react well to criticism.

[Jimbuna]

My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

[Platapus]

Why was the man fired from Ikea?


He tried to take Stockholm.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t seem to find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

[Jimbuna]

Just read in the newspaper that lots of Americans have been sending their old clothes to the poor in Africa.

Wast of time in my opinion. I’ve never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

[Eichhörnchen]

https://i.imgur.com/TDeWjqF.jpg

[Platapus]

Saw this in the personal's column


Man with Corona virus desires to meet lady with Lyme disease.



:D

[Jimbuna]

Just woken up with rice on my face.
I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

[Jimbuna]

Marks and Spencer have recently announced they are going to merge with Poundstrecher.

The new supermarket will be called StrechMarks.

[Jeff-Groves]

Bought some Body Armour a couple weeks back just for the heck of it.
I found out you get discounts when you wear it!
I expect a few more visits to Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Cremes will return my investment!

[Jimbuna]

Customer: What’s the WiFi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Ok, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: $10 please.
Customer: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

[Jimbuna]

Found out today that some of the most famous French food doesn’t even come from France. Apparently French fries are actually cooked in Greece?

[Jimbuna]

Scientific survey found out recently that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

[Jimbuna]

Trump has announced that recent airstrikes were a great success. After reducing large parts of Syria to rubble people living in Detroit now feel slightly less jealous of Syrians.

[Jimbuna]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[Jimbuna]

Someone crashed my car earlier today. I found a note on the windshield that said:

“Sorry, I reversed into your car. Loads of people saw me do it so I decided to leave you this note. They think I’m leaving you my name and address but I’m not. Good luck with the repairs.”

[Jimbuna]

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Yes!!
Boss: That’s good, because after you left early yesterday for your grandmother’s funeral she came into the office looking for you.

[Jimbuna]

Ladies please be careful when drinking tea. I found out last night that tea is more dangerous than alcohol. I came home at 4am after having 12 pints of beer and my wife who stayed at home drinking tea was really angry and violent.

[Jimbuna]

I cant believe some people. You give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly she’s not friends with you any more.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/kgL1Hrr7/Untitled.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

If you want a promotion walk into your office and shout “Vodka, tequila, sambuca!” at the top of your voice.

This will make you the person who calls the shots.

[Jimbuna]

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people are so dumb they don’t even notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

[Platapus]

My father went to a strange doctor for his rash.


The doctor prescribed that he apply lard all over his body


All I know is that my father went down hill pretty fast after that.

[Jimbuna]

We gave our granddad the nickname ‘Spiderman’,

He hasn’t got any super powers, he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

[Jimbuna]

Made a taxi driver really angry tonight.

Told him to drive me home in reverse and now he owes me £16.20.

[Jimbuna]

My cooking is awful.

Does anyone know how much vodka you’re supposed to add to cheese-on-toast?

[Jimbuna]

I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.

He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”

[Jimbuna]

Dad: Hi son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?
Son: Haha you can’t fool me, it’s a chair!
Dad: No you’re wrong.. Our dog has died!

[Jimbuna]

Was playing charades last night and my uncle suffered a stroke! Unfortunately it took quite a while to phone an ambulance because we were all shouting “Sylvester Stallone! Sylvester Stallone!”

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a candle and a hot curry?

A candle only burns at one end.

[Jimbuna]

Last year was one of the most memorable times of my life. I remember shouting “I don’t believe it, it’s a boy, it’s a boy!!”

That’s when I decided to never visit Thailand ever again.

[Jimbuna]

Got an email from a bored housewife the other day looking for ‘some action’ so I decided to send her some of my ironing to keep her busy.

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about that new TV program about origami?
It’s paper view.

[Jimbuna]

My new business on Ebay is a great success. Just sold my homing pigeons for the 17th time in a row!

[Jimbuna]

Saw 2 fat people talking earlier today. It was a HEAVY discussion!

[Jimbuna]

Apparently when your wife says “do whatever you want” that’s not what she means. Luckily the stripper I ordered agreed to a refund.

[Jimbuna]

If God made everything then does that mean he’s Chinese?

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the news this morning that Donald Trump’s library caught fire last night. Apparently over 2,000 coloring books were destroyed.

[Jimbuna]

Paddy won the lottery, 22 million, He went to collect his winnings and they said, "Really sorry Paddy but we haven’t got enough money to pay you it all. We will give you 11 million this week and 11 million next week" "Ah be Jesus says paddy. If your gonna mess me about gimme me pound back."

[Platapus]

My grandfather was responsible for the downing of 100 German Aircraft during WWII


He was probably the worse mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

[Jimbuna]

My dad died recently. He lost a lot of blood and nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.

[Jimbuna]

Whatever you do always give 100%, unless your donating blood.

[Platapus]

I don't donate blood any more. The last time I donated blood, they asked some awkward questions


"Whose blood is this?"
"How did you get this much blood?"

[Jeff-Groves]

The FBI and CIA came around knocking on my door!
Seems someone told them I have been talking to Aliens!
Imagine their surprise when I told them they were Canadians!

[Platapus]

The FBI and CIA came around knocking on my door!
Seems someone told them I have been talking to Aliens!
Imagine their surprise when I told them they were Canadians!


You told the FBI and CIA that they were Canadians???

[Jimbuna]

Asked a librarian the other day if she had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: “They’re right behind you.”

[Jimbuna]

Just seen at idiot in my local gym putting a bottle of water into the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the radio today that bad drivers are gonna be getting £100 fines. Seems a bit sexist.

[Jimbuna]

A recent study has found that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Jimbuna]

The worst part about getting fired from my job at the unemployment office was that I still had to show up the next day.

[Jimbuna]

Took a girl home last night and I accidentally said ‘how’s your daddy’ instead of ‘who’s your daddy’. We spent 2 hours talking about her dad’s cholesterol.

[Jimbuna]

It looks like food banks are just as corrupt as normal banks. I deposited a pack of biscuits at my food bank last week and when I went to collect them today they told me they had gone.

[Jimbuna]

You know you’re a bad driver when your SatNav says “In 400 yards, please stop the car and let me out”.

[Jimbuna]

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

[Jimbuna]

Just read an article about the top 100 things to do before you die. Was quite surprised that screaming “HELP ME!!” didn’t make the list.

[Jimbuna]

Phone rings at 2am.

Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

[Jimbuna]

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand….. It’s 7.

[Jimbuna]

Just heard on the radio that a lot of women are turning into good drivers. So, if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women!

[Jimbuna]

Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.

[Platapus]

The World Health Organization confirmed that it was they who authorized the end of COVID19 quarantines for dogs and that they are now allowed to go outside.



I was wondering about that.

[u crank]

The World Health Organization confirmed that it was they who authorized the end of COVID19 quarantines for dogs and that they are now allowed to go outside.


So then ....WHO let the dogs out.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalter native”

Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place while on safari.

Wife: Wow those hippos are really fat and ugly, are they relatives of yours?
Me: Yeah, they’re my in-laws

[Jimbuna]

Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.

[Jimbuna]

If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen a bishop walking in the street which was strange because he wasn’t walking diagonally.

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that when a baby drinks from a bottle and falls asleep everyone thinks it’s cute but when I do it I get arrested at my local bus station and people call me an alcoholic?

[Jimbuna]

Spent the whole of last night sitting in bed thinking about the sun and where it comes from …. and then it dawned on me.

[Jimbuna]

If money is the root of all evil why do they ask for it in church?

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place at a church wedding:

Priest: Repeat after me.
Groom: After me!!
Priest: Is this guy serious??
Bride: No his name is Bruce.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how much doctors lie. Last year I went to hospital to get a vasectomy to stop my wife getting pregnant but it turns out all it does is change the color of the baby.

[Platapus]

The definition of a Cad: A man who does not tell his wife that he has had a vasectomy until after his wife is pregnant.

[Jimbuna]

Robin: Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?
Batman: Sure Robin, what is it?
Robin: Knock knock
Batman: Who’s there?
Robin: NOT YOUR PARENTS

[Jimbuna]

Got attacked by a group of mime artists last night. They did unspeakable acts to me.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What is Mexico’s favorite sport.
A: Cross-country.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym,
“Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

[Jimbuna]

Why is Cupid is a symbol for love? Personally, I find the idea of an arrow being shot through your heart by a flying baby extremely horrifying.

[Jimbuna]

Got stopped by a women in the street today. She said “Excuse me sir, have you had an accident in the last 3 years that wasn’t your fault? I said, “Yes, she’s nearly 3 now.”

[Jimbuna]

Disabled toilets.

Ironically, the only toilets that are big enough to run around in.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently when someone messages you a picture of their new baby it’s offensive to send a message back saying “Better luck next time”!

[Jimbuna]

Women colour their hair, get boob-jobs, plastic surgery, liposuction, wear heels to increase their height…

Then complain that there’s no real men out there.

[Jimbuna]

After 3 years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night.
I called my dad for advice on how to fix things.
He told me to apologize and admit I was wrong.
I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/JzrQGKXG/Untitled.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Fubar2Niner]

Camilla Parker Bowles is wondering if she will ever become queen

[Jimbuna]

Q. What does an Ikea cabinet and a marriage have in common?
A. One screw out of place and the whole thing falls apart.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars.
Husband: Yeah that’s true. Wars require strategy, planning and logic.

[Jimbuna]

Murphy: Paddy why are you talking to that envelope?
Paddy: I’m trying to send a voicemail.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What’s the difference between a flying pig and a politician?
A. The letter F.

[Jimbuna]

Just failed my job interview after the following question:

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: I normally do it verbally using words but on this occasion I’ve actually prepared a dance.

[Jimbuna]

My wife recently told me that sex is a lot better on holiday… I was really upset when I got the postcard.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.ibb.co/wpyr3WN/90137185-10159587361039676-747514116993712128-o.jpg (https://ibb.co/0YqV8Mj)
upload images (https://imgbb.com/)

[Catfish]

^ this joke has been around here for three years, only with Brad Pitt, Trump, an old man and a boy.

Brad Pitt says "my friends, fans and family need me", grabs a parachute, jumps.
Trump says "i will be the most clever president of the US, people need me", and jumps.
The old man tells the boy to take the last parachute, but the boy says "no problem there are two left, the most clever president took my rucksack".

Nice propaganda :03:

[Jimbuna]

Yep, there are more variants of this than any other joke I can remember :yep:

[Jimbuna]

https://i.ibb.co/DffSqWh/90998255-10222719382232594-6891467754499473408-o.jpg (https://ibb.co/chh7m30)

[Jimbuna]

Top 5 worst ever Irish inventions.

1. Inflatable dartboard.
2. Diet water.
3. Helicopter ejector seat.
4. Wooden barbecue.
5. Non-stick toilet paper.

[Jimbuna]

A recent scientific study has found that 9/10 men prefer big boobs. The other man prefers the 9 men.

[Platapus]

When I was in EOD our team was involved in testing of ejection seats for helicopters.



A wacky idea, but dooable. Wisely the USAF decided that autogyroing in is still a good thing for a helo.



But there were some interesting designs that were tested on our range.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/MKjTfBw8/91011497-3147771575234437-3905139146338861056-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

I hate being bipolar, it’s amazing.

[Jimbuna]

We are 10 days into this new self isolation and it is really upsetting to witness my wife standing at the living room windows staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks!

It breaks my heart to see her like this 😢

I have thought very hard about how I can help her and cheer her up!

I have even considered letting her in....... but rules are rules!

[Jimbuna]

Slept on the sofa last night. Apparently when my wife asked me to bring her something from the store for pancakes she wasn’t talking about a bra.

[Jimbuna]

On day 11 of lock down I was working in the study and my wife called upstairs, "do you have pains in your chest, like maybe somebody was sticking pins in a voodoo doll of you ?", "No" I replied don't be so daft I'm working. There was a pause and she shouted up "How about now ?" .....

[Jimbuna]

Just had a cup of tea with some Viagra sprinkled in it. It doesn’t really taste any different but its great at stopping your biscuits going soft.

[Jimbuna]

My wife created a website earlier today to give advice to people who are victims of domestic abuse. She’s had 50 hits today already.

[Jimbuna]

A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

[Platapus]

I don't understand why anyone would write with a dull pencil.


It's pointless

[Jimbuna]

Some people say alcohol is dangerous but I disagree. The people on the Titanic didn’t die from drinking too much alcohol, they died from drinking too much water.

[Jimbuna]

The Greek government has just reported that production of humus and taramasalata is down 50% since the start of the month. Looks like it’s going to be a double dip recession.

[Catfish]

Some people say alcohol is dangerous but I disagree. The people on the Titanic didn’t die from drinking too much alcohol, they died from drinking too much water.
Not sure here.. from 4:20 on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbc2dtNZQD8

Very nice and subversive film, for the time :haha:

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the Islamic terrorist who was arrested in Liverpool the other day?

His name was Ayaluf Roh-Bin Kaahs.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the park the other day wondering why radio controlled air-planes get bigger the closer they get, and then it hit me.

[Jimbuna]

Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident but I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.

[Jimbuna]

Just been told by my psychiatrist that i’m bipolar. Don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

[Jimbuna]

I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.

[Jimbuna]

I remember in the old days when people used to get mad if you read their diary. Now people put everything online and get mad when you don’t read it.

[Jimbuna]

Just made a new website for orphans, there’s no homepage.

[Jimbuna]

Accordion to a recent survey 90% of people don’t notice when you replace words with the names of musical instruments.

[Platapus]

Once this Corona thing is over, does that mean that people will go back to standing near me and trying to talk?


#socialdistancing4ever

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

[Jimbuna]

Just found out today that I’m colorblind… It really came out of the purple.

[Jimbuna]

Just discovered I have superpowers. I can actually melt ice cubes by staring at them. It takes me quite a long time though.

[Jimbuna]

Got really bad sunburn yesterday so I decided to take Viagra. It doesn’t cure it but it really helps when sleeping to keep the bedsheets off my legs.

[Jimbuna]

A recent survey has shown that a large number of women turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver beware of women who are turning.

[Jimbuna]

The following took place about 4’000 years ago.

God: I’m gonna create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a £20 note*
God: Correction, I’m gonna create a great flood!

[Jimbuna]

Feminists are always wanting to be equal to men? Why not try to be better than men? This shows a lack of ambition which is why men are better.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a man who randomly attacks people with his lower forearm?

A terror wrist.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the barbers today and asked to get my hair cut like Justin Bieber. He totally shaved my head bald. I said “What the hell have you done. Justin Bieber doesn’t have his hair cut like this!!”, the barber said “He would if he came into my shop.”

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words “That bus is going quite fast.”

[Jimbuna]

I’m sure the Miss Universe competition is always fixed. Why does the winner always come from planet Earth?

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a mental patient and a doctor.

Patient: Doctor please help me. I keep thinking I’m John McEnroe!
Doctor: You can’t be serious!!

[Catfish]

I want to die fast and without pain, like my granddad, relaxed and content in a plane cockpit.
Not like sitting in the seats behind him.

[Mr Quatro]

Two elderly men are sitting in the park the first one says I am 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains .

The second guy replies well I am 85 years old and I feel like a new born baby

Really says the first man .yep says the second man.

No hair no teeth and I have just wet my pants

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how stupid the staff are at the McDonalds drive through. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the gypsy who won the lottery?
They paid him with travelers cheques.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the man with square testicles? He had cubic hairs.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/mgjDGM8H/91285040-23844434166010428-9161108669058777088-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

Just been arrested at the airport. Apparently “How many do you need?” is a bad response to the question “Do you have any firearms?”

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Welshman with loads of girlfriends?
A Shepherd.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Zookeeper who gave Viagra to a dangerous crocodile? He read somewhere that it’s good for treating reptile dysfunction.

[Jimbuna]

Just been on a date with a really attractive woman. Well it wasn’t really a date, we just had a meal together and watched a film. After a few hours the plane landed and we went our separate ways.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/T1wnTBPm/93702722-163600461790024-2435818980267524096-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Catfish]

"Where's your husband?"
"In the garden."
"I didn't see him."
"You have to dig a little."

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife whilst at a restaurant.

Husband: What do you want to drink?
Wife: I guess I’ll have champagne.
Husband: Guess again.. Maybe you should go for a diet coke?

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.

[Catfish]

What is perverse?
When the chicken is still attached.

[Jimbuna]

Got some cheap aftershave from China the other day, no wonder they all have eyes like that.

[Jimbuna]

After years of working hard and many late nights I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as some people like to call it.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/SQ3zBhRh/Untitled.jpg (https://postimg.cc/qgcRKW2b)

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how arrogant Russian dolls are… they’re so full of themselves.

[Texas Red]

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how long my wife and kids spend on eBay. It’s been weeks and still nobody has made a bid for them.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: What do you like best my face or my sexy body?
Husband: Your sense of humour.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place in a hospital.

Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man is here, he says he had an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him i cant see him.”

[Jimbuna]

I’m not bad at cooking or anything …but how long is pasta supposed to cook in the toaster?

[Platapus]

Why is it called a building when it is already built?

[Jimbuna]

A man asked God why is his life so hard when his neighbor who is an atheist has it so easy. God replied “I prefer it when people don’t keep bothering me”.

[Jimbuna]

Murphy “That was a great idea swapping partners last night Paddy!”
Paddy “Yeah to be sure.. I wonder how the girls got on!”

[Jimbuna]

When I was a kid my dad used to beat me with his camera, I still have flash-backs.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how thirsty my Grandma is. Just drove past her house and she’s got about 10 pints of milk on her doorstep.

[Texas Red]

How do I spell your name? And where do I put the D?

[Moonlight]

^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYqjcHYTQgQ

[Texas Red]

^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYqjcHYTQgQ

Well, basically, the dude asks how to spell the girls name and he also asks where to put the dick. Like he wasn't taught the naughty stuff by his teachers :03:
Sorry if that is a joke itself.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a French restaurant last night and was served by a hideously ugly waitress. She really gave me the crepes.

[Jimbuna]

My wife always complains. Last week she was complaining that I never take her anywhere so last night I booked her a table but she still wasn’t happy. Apparently she hates snooker.

[Texas Red]

Sorry for picking on you, Silent Hunter 5.



EDIT: Please adhere to the forum rules regarding acceptable language.

Please use language that you would use around your mother. No vulgarities, obscenities, hate speech, or foul language. Do not use *******ing w*rds with aster*cks, that's the same thing as vulgar languge. Express yourself with respect to others.

Jimbuna
SubSim Senior Moderator

[Jimbuna]

Just had a really big argument with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris, she wanted to come with me.

[Jimbuna]

After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!”

[Jimbuna]

Found out recently that my wife had an affair with a midget.

I can’t believe she would stoop so low.

[Jimbuna]

Every year charities spend millions trying to end hunger and nothing ever changes. Maybe it’s time to accept the facts. If you live in the middle of a desert and the nearest supermarket is hundreds of miles away MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE!!

[Jeff-Groves]

Wanted to have Kentucky pancakes for breakfast today but lost the recipe!
Anyone know how much Jack Daniels I need to add?

[Jeff-Groves]

My Cousin invited me over for some Russian Potato Soup yesterday.
I woke up naked in a plowed field a mile from his house.
Seems Russian Potato Soup is what he calls Vodka!

[Platapus]

Why am I the only one naked at the gender reveal party?

[Jimbuna]

I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen a documentary about Jesus on youtube. Some of the stories women come up with to cover up having an affair and getting pregnant are incredible.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the wheat farmer who got arrested by the police? Apparently he was a CEREAL killer.

[Jimbuna]

My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the doctors today to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine I don’t need one.

[Jimbuna]

Just been diagnosed with diabetes. I’m beginning to have doubts about Dr Pepper’s medical qualifications.

[Mr Quatro]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly father to a nursing home and leaves him, hoping he will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe him, feed him a tasty breakfast, and set him in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

He seems OK, but after a while he slowly starts to fall over sideways in his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch him and straighten him up.

Again he seems OK, but after a while he starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring him back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the their father is adjusting to his new home.

“So Pa, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” he replies. “Except they won’t let you fart”

[Jimbuna]

I used to make a lot of money in houses but then the police tracked me down and confiscated my printing press.

[Jimbuna]

I recently got an alcohol tester fitted to my wallet to make sure I don’t drink too much when I’m driving. It’s a picture of my wife, when she starts looking good I know I’ve had too much.

[Platapus]

Why did the employees at the Department of Printing and Engraving go on strike?


They wanted to make less money per hour.

[Platapus]

My doctor asked me what I was using for birth control.


Just my personality, doctor.

[magic452]

Years ago an old Texas cattleman told a young women the secret to longevity is to put a pinch of gunpowder in her oatmeal each morning. She finally died at age 103 and left behind 5 children, 14 grandchildren, 6 great grandchildren and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.


Magic

[Platapus]

About the year 2020, maybe we should just try putting it in rice?

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the soldier who survived being attacked by mustard gas and pepper spray.

He’s now become a seasoned veteran.

[Platapus]

People are protesting about having to stay home


About 100,000,000 people did not have a problem staying home in November 2016

[Reece]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself,
“She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.”
So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home.
So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk.
All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted.
Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.
His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately,
“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table.
He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang.
She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned.
She then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable.
So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him.
Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking.
Keeping his ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!!
When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it, and smiled contently to himself.
His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.
At that point, she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!!!

[Jimbuna]

Husband: “Honey I think your mum tried to have sex with me last night! ”
Wife: “That’s impossible, she’s on holiday!”
Husband: “Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”

[Jimbuna]

My dad is obsessed with turning off lights and unplugging things which is why he’s just been fired from his job at air traffic control.