View Full Version : The joke thread II
Jimbuna
11-05-23, 07:11 AM
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
Platapus
11-05-23, 01:54 PM
I don't mean to brag.....
But cashiers are always checking me out
Jimbuna
11-06-23, 04:24 AM
What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.
Jimbuna
11-06-23, 08:42 AM
An elderly man rear-ended a younger man who was driving an expensive European sports car…
Enraged, the younger man hops out & confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car…!!! ”He yells
"I demand that you give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money.”
“ Just let me call my son…,” he said with hope, “he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins..!?!?! Right" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man took out his phone, dialed his son, & just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
" Dad .for the last time, I train Seals… Navy Seals.”
“NOT dolphins..!!”
Platapus
11-06-23, 02:18 PM
10 years ago, my friend came in to the room crying and saying "it's a boy!"
Never visited Thailand again after that
Jimbuna
11-07-23, 06:55 AM
Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.
Jimbuna
11-08-23, 06:49 AM
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
Platapus
11-08-23, 07:44 AM
Ok Ok Ok
I have an idea for a new product
How about this: Combining a laxative with Alphabet soup?
I can call it "Letter Rip!"
Jimbuna
11-08-23, 01:11 PM
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
Platapus
11-08-23, 02:26 PM
My wife threatened to leave me because of what she called my disgusting habits.
I was so shocked, I almost choked on my toenails.
Jimbuna
11-09-23, 06:00 AM
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
Jeff-Groves
11-09-23, 02:33 PM
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Jeff-Groves
11-09-23, 02:34 PM
My wife accused me of being an idiot for wearing two jackets when I painted our Den.
The foolish lady has always been too dumb to follow directions, which clearly says put on two coats.
Jimbuna
11-10-23, 05:05 AM
What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.
Platapus
11-10-23, 07:42 AM
I have been struggling to get my wife's attention
So I just sat down and got comfortable. That did the trick
Jimbuna
11-10-23, 11:44 AM
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
Platapus
11-10-23, 06:36 PM
I got a job at the circus as a human cannonball
It was a good job... until they fired me
Jimbuna
11-11-23, 07:06 AM
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
Platapus
11-11-23, 10:41 AM
Our local smoke shop closed and a J.Crew opened in its place
Clothes but no cigars :(
Jimbuna
11-11-23, 12:04 PM
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Platapus
11-11-23, 09:26 PM
I cooked, for my wife, a nice rare steak.
She said "I like it well done"
I said "Why thank you, I appreciate that"
Jimbuna
11-12-23, 04:54 AM
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
Platapus
11-12-23, 11:54 AM
What part of a computer is the most busy?
The keyboard. So busy it has two shifts
Jimbuna
11-12-23, 12:34 PM
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
Jimbuna
11-13-23, 01:12 PM
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
Platapus
11-13-23, 04:39 PM
Did you hear about the kidnapping at our local school?
It's OK. He woke up
Jimbuna
11-14-23, 05:48 AM
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Platapus
11-14-23, 04:44 PM
If you see someone shoplifting at an Apple Store, does that make you an... iWitness?
Jimbuna
11-15-23, 04:02 AM
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
Platapus
11-15-23, 05:21 AM
Youth is when you are allowed to stay up until midnight on New Year's Eve
Middle age is when you are forced to
Jimbuna
11-15-23, 07:48 AM
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
Platapus
11-15-23, 07:51 AM
What looks like half of a cat?
The other half of the cat
Jimbuna
11-15-23, 09:00 AM
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
Platapus
11-15-23, 01:08 PM
What is a cat's favorite fictional novel?
The Great Catsby
Jimbuna
11-15-23, 01:31 PM
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
Platapus
11-15-23, 04:25 PM
Headline:
Energizer Buddy arrested
Charged with battery
Jimbuna
11-16-23, 07:53 AM
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
Platapus
11-16-23, 12:59 PM
Did anyone remember to water the Christmas Tree?
I did!, said the dog
Jimbuna
11-16-23, 02:10 PM
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
Platapus
11-17-23, 06:13 AM
Why aren't mustaches called Mouth Brows?
Jimbuna
11-17-23, 06:46 AM
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
Platapus
11-17-23, 07:01 AM
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
It should definitely spice up this autobiography a little.
Jimbuna
11-17-23, 08:30 AM
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Platapus
11-17-23, 02:57 PM
What is blue and covered in feathers
A turkey holding its breath
Jimbuna
11-18-23, 08:22 AM
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.
Platapus
11-18-23, 10:34 AM
I often wonder why no one is ever the right amount of whelmed.
Jimbuna
11-18-23, 01:34 PM
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
Platapus
11-19-23, 06:03 AM
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut
Jimbuna
11-19-23, 09:43 AM
Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.
Jimbuna
11-20-23, 07:48 AM
Can February March? No, but April May!
Platapus
11-20-23, 05:43 PM
Cats have 32 muscles in their ears
All to help them ignore you
Jimbuna
11-21-23, 06:38 AM
Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
Platapus
11-21-23, 05:42 PM
Why do Flamingos stand with one leg tucked under them?
Because if they tried to stand with both legs tucked under them, they would fall
Jimbuna
11-22-23, 07:16 AM
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
Platapus
11-22-23, 08:42 AM
I am now on two diets
I found out that I was not getting enough food on just one diet.
Jimbuna
11-22-23, 10:34 AM
What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries
Platapus
11-23-23, 07:33 AM
Why is my dog like my cell phone?
They both have collar-IDs
Jimbuna
11-23-23, 07:42 AM
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
Jimbuna
11-23-23, 07:48 AM
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
Platapus
11-23-23, 09:35 AM
Why are Dalmatians terrible at playing hide and seek?
Because they are always spotted!
Jimbuna
11-23-23, 01:36 PM
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
Platapus
11-24-23, 07:19 AM
Trying to clean a house with a dog there is like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreos
Jimbuna
11-24-23, 08:03 AM
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Platapus
11-24-23, 10:36 AM
What do you call a lazy kangaroo baby
A pouch potato
Jimbuna
11-24-23, 01:12 PM
Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.
Platapus
11-24-23, 05:22 PM
What do lazy dogs do for fun?
They chase parked cars
Jimbuna
11-25-23, 05:51 AM
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
Platapus
11-25-23, 06:35 AM
The word queue is weird
It is just letter Q followed by a bunch of silent letters
Jimbuna
11-25-23, 07:13 AM
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
Platapus
11-25-23, 02:53 PM
Silence is golden
Unless you have a toddler
Then it is terrifying
Jeff-Groves
11-25-23, 03:14 PM
I tried to over dose on Melatonin
But I fell asleep before I could finish the bottle.
Platapus
11-25-23, 06:48 PM
The Institute of Unfinished Research as concluded
that 6 out of 10 people
Jimbuna
11-26-23, 06:33 AM
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
Jimbuna
11-26-23, 06:37 AM
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Platapus
11-27-23, 01:27 PM
Why didn't the dog want to play football?
Because it was a Boxer
Jimbuna
11-27-23, 01:48 PM
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
Platapus
11-27-23, 02:02 PM
What do you call a lion wearing a bow tie?
Dandelion
Jimbuna
11-27-23, 02:24 PM
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
Jimbuna
11-28-23, 09:48 AM
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
Jimbuna
11-29-23, 09:01 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
Jimbuna
11-29-23, 01:51 PM
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
Jimbuna
11-30-23, 09:31 AM
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
Platapus
11-30-23, 01:34 PM
Unfortunately, the days of good grammar has went.
Jeff-Groves
11-30-23, 01:38 PM
Unfortunately, the days of good grammar has went.
Give it time. Aktungbby will be in here to assist.
Jimbuna
11-30-23, 01:48 PM
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
Platapus
11-30-23, 03:34 PM
This past Thanksgiving, I decided to shoot the turkey I wanted to eat
I am evidently not allowed back into that grocery store
Jimbuna
12-01-23, 07:16 AM
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
Platapus
12-01-23, 01:15 PM
How many rocks can you put in a empty box?
Only one, then the box is no longer empty
Jimbuna
12-01-23, 01:27 PM
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”
Platapus
12-01-23, 02:18 PM
How far can a dog run into a woods?
Exactly half way. After that the dog is running out of the woods
Jimbuna
12-02-23, 05:08 AM
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.
Platapus
12-02-23, 07:32 AM
I wonder why iPhone chargers were not called Apple Juice
Jimbuna
12-02-23, 09:39 AM
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
Platapus
12-03-23, 06:33 AM
What does a dog do after graduating Obedience School?
They go for their Masters
Jimbuna
12-03-23, 06:47 AM
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
Jimbuna
12-03-23, 01:05 PM
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
Platapus
12-03-23, 01:43 PM
Are the security guards at the Samsung store the real Guardians of the Galaxy?
Jimbuna
12-04-23, 06:03 AM
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
Platapus
12-04-23, 02:14 PM
What breed of dog would Dracula have?
Bloodhound, of course
Jimbuna
12-04-23, 02:19 PM
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
Platapus
12-04-23, 02:33 PM
What is my favorite childhood memory?
Having energy
Jimbuna
12-04-23, 02:53 PM
What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
Jimbuna
12-05-23, 09:40 AM
Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
Platapus
12-05-23, 01:41 PM
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Jimbuna
12-05-23, 02:03 PM
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
Jimbuna
12-06-23, 01:35 PM
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
Platapus
12-06-23, 03:00 PM
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!
Jimbuna
12-07-23, 07:07 AM
Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.
Jimbuna
12-08-23, 12:30 PM
Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.
Platapus
12-08-23, 01:39 PM
Why did the golfer change his pants?
Because he got a hole in one!
Jimbuna
12-08-23, 01:40 PM
Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
Platapus
12-09-23, 05:33 AM
Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy!
Jimbuna
12-09-23, 05:52 AM
Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.
Jeff-Groves
12-09-23, 11:56 AM
I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
Jimbuna
12-09-23, 11:59 AM
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
Platapus
12-09-23, 01:01 PM
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Jeff-Groves
12-09-23, 01:51 PM
If laziness was an Olympic sport?
I'd try to come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to receive an award!
Platapus
12-09-23, 04:13 PM
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Jimbuna
12-10-23, 06:15 AM
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
Platapus
12-10-23, 06:16 AM
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running from the ball!
Jimbuna
12-10-23, 08:14 AM
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
Platapus
12-10-23, 03:13 PM
What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIIINNNNS!”
Jimbuna
12-11-23, 06:51 AM
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.
Platapus
12-11-23, 02:01 PM
What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
Jimbuna
12-12-23, 06:12 AM
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
Platapus
12-12-23, 03:38 PM
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire!
Jimbuna
12-13-23, 09:13 AM
It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
Platapus
12-13-23, 05:07 PM
How many ears does Spock have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!
Jimbuna
12-14-23, 07:15 AM
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
Platapus
12-14-23, 05:49 PM
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
Platapus
12-14-23, 05:53 PM
I don't know what the difference is between butter and ghee
Could someone clarify it?
How do you get an elephant on the subway?
You take the "s" out of "sub" and the "f" out of "way".
;)
Jimbuna
12-15-23, 06:21 AM
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Jimbuna
12-15-23, 07:01 AM
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.
Platapus
12-16-23, 06:20 AM
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
Jimbuna
12-16-23, 07:22 AM
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Platapus
12-16-23, 11:51 AM
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it!
https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse4.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP. mvs1n7ms7FOuvu721OrZTgHaLt%26pid%3DApi&f=1&ipt=49e1f3288f80b14aabc1e71d51c60ba604560ad0df6d18 bf3668aebdd7e0ff34&ipo=images
Jimbuna
12-16-23, 01:24 PM
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
Platapus
12-16-23, 03:19 PM
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Never mind… it’s tearable.
https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse3.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP. WqHx9Dve41TcIHkQb3o4jwHaGn%26pid%3DApi&f=1&ipt=4787a10ddd9b28df97af8d8d6cf847ecae9b453e208be6 d6cab49d85682892b5&ipo=images
Jimbuna
12-17-23, 08:11 AM
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
Platapus
12-17-23, 01:21 PM
Who was the meanest of Santa's reindeer?
Olive
From the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
Jimbuna
12-18-23, 09:21 AM
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.
Jimbuna
12-18-23, 01:12 PM
Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
Jeff-Groves
12-18-23, 05:10 PM
I wrapped all the Xmas gifts in toilet paper.
Cause I do a crappy job at wrapping.
Jimbuna
12-19-23, 06:53 AM
What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
Platapus
12-19-23, 08:21 AM
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw!
Jimbuna
12-19-23, 12:25 PM
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
Platapus
12-19-23, 01:53 PM
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
Catfish
12-19-23, 02:33 PM
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw!
So it wasn't about dykes :O:
Jimbuna
12-20-23, 07:58 AM
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
Jimbuna
12-20-23, 01:52 PM
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Platapus
12-20-23, 04:09 PM
Do trees poop?
Of course they do. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?
Jimbuna
12-21-23, 05:50 AM
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.
Platapus
12-21-23, 06:37 PM
You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trumpet.
https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Foriginals%2F47%2F6 9%2F71%2F476971483ff455a055bfdcd583c20cb1.jpg&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=3aeff855b7f3e963d89853bffd8d26c97d74af47fc9b52 b2a2c11166ea62d2f1&ipo=images
Jimbuna
12-22-23, 06:16 AM
Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
Platapus
12-22-23, 06:43 AM
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
Jimbuna
12-22-23, 06:52 AM
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Jimbuna
12-22-23, 12:45 PM
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Platapus
12-22-23, 03:36 PM
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
Catfish
12-22-23, 03:51 PM
English is easy, at least when it's Pidgin.
Else.. easy to pronounce, ea is always pronounced as eeee.
Like in "Sea of Heartbreak" :doh:
Ahem.
Jimbuna
12-23-23, 07:46 AM
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
Jimbuna
12-23-23, 08:08 AM
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Platapus
12-24-23, 06:36 AM
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.
Man, they really grilled me.
Jimbuna
12-24-23, 08:08 AM
I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Platapus
12-24-23, 10:51 AM
A joke about communism isn't funny
… unless everyone gets it.
Jimbuna
12-24-23, 11:31 AM
Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
Platapus
12-24-23, 01:20 PM
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent!
Jimbuna
12-25-23, 04:58 AM
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
Platapus
12-25-23, 06:00 AM
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Jimbuna
12-26-23, 06:49 AM
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Platapus
12-26-23, 12:10 PM
I’m reading a book about reverse psychology.
I hope people don’t start liking it!
Jimbuna
12-27-23, 06:35 AM
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
Platapus
12-27-23, 04:43 PM
I’m only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
Jimbuna
12-28-23, 12:30 PM
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
Platapus
12-28-23, 03:55 PM
In studying history, I noticed that a large number of civil war battles took place in National Monuments.
How rude.
You would think they would fight somewhere else.
Jimbuna
12-29-23, 02:08 PM
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
Platapus
12-29-23, 05:09 PM
The other day I held the door open for a clown.
I thought it was a nice jester.”
Platapus
12-30-23, 07:36 AM
What is the difference between a Priest and Woody from A Toy Story?
Woody from A Toy Story goes limp when a child enters the room
Catfish
12-30-23, 04:42 PM
^ this is mean.
But i like the joke ..
Platapus
12-30-23, 06:30 PM
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
Platapus
01-01-24, 06:51 AM
My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
Platapus
01-01-24, 05:15 PM
I wanted to be an archaeologist.
But then I saw that my career would be in ruins.
Jimbuna
01-03-24, 12:56 PM
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Eisenwurst
01-03-24, 11:20 PM
Why did Mickey Mouse run away from home ???
Cause his dad was a rat. :)
Platapus
01-04-24, 07:43 AM
I had a dream that I was a muffler, but I woke up exhausted.
Jimbuna
01-04-24, 09:09 AM
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
Platapus
01-04-24, 02:02 PM
What did the teacher do with the student's report on cheese?
She grated it.
Jimbuna
01-04-24, 02:14 PM
My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.
Platapus
01-04-24, 03:26 PM
What are the three words my wife never want's to hear during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"
Jimbuna
01-05-24, 08:49 AM
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
Platapus
01-05-24, 05:36 PM
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
Trump (the Fanta Fuhrer): All I know about magnets is this, give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that’s the end of the magnets.
Make sure to protect your privacy by cutting off the antenna the government put on your tires.
https://i.postimg.cc/Ssj2XyZt/tire.jpg
Jimbuna
01-06-24, 07:14 AM
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
Jimbuna
01-06-24, 07:34 AM
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
Platapus
01-06-24, 09:48 AM
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Husband: “Hi pregnant, I’m dad.”
Wife: “No, you’re not.”
Jimbuna
01-06-24, 01:35 PM
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Platapus
01-06-24, 03:15 PM
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning.
I said, “Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep.”
Jimbuna
01-07-24, 07:36 AM
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Jimbuna
01-07-24, 02:21 PM
What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Jimbuna
01-08-24, 07:18 AM
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."
Jimbuna
01-08-24, 01:37 PM
I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn't have time.
Platapus
01-08-24, 05:50 PM
My wife says making love is even better on vacation.
I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Jimbuna
01-09-24, 07:31 AM
Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up... If you're not in prison.
Jimbuna
01-09-24, 02:39 PM
Two ADV riders camping out in a tent. One of them crawls out to pee before bed. Comes back all wet. The other rider asks if it's rainy outside. "No - it's windy!"
Platapus
01-09-24, 04:20 PM
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Jimbuna
01-10-24, 11:15 AM
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Platapus
01-10-24, 05:38 PM
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
Jimbuna
01-11-24, 06:32 AM
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
Jimbuna
01-11-24, 01:47 PM
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather's Viagra addiction. Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
Platapus
01-11-24, 02:53 PM
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.
Platapus
01-12-24, 05:53 AM
Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Jimbuna
01-12-24, 07:30 AM
Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.
Platapus
01-12-24, 07:47 AM
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
Jimbuna
01-12-24, 08:16 AM
The Doctor told me I have 1 year to live, so I killed him. The judge just gave me 25 years.
Platapus
01-12-24, 08:17 AM
I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Jimbuna
01-12-24, 12:55 PM
You have the perfect face for radio.
Platapus
01-12-24, 06:03 PM
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
Jimbuna
01-13-24, 07:49 AM
If a fire-fighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
Platapus
01-13-24, 08:03 AM
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
Jimbuna
01-13-24, 09:26 AM
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
Platapus
01-14-24, 08:46 AM
At home, my wife treats me like a God.
I’m generally ignored until she wants something.
Jimbuna
01-14-24, 02:08 PM
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
Platapus
01-14-24, 04:09 PM
What do you call that useless piece of skin at the end of the penis?
The Man.
Platapus
01-15-24, 05:14 AM
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
Jimbuna
01-15-24, 09:45 AM
Friends are like boobs. Some big,some small. Some real, some fake.
Platapus
01-15-24, 11:34 AM
I’d like to have kids one day.
I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Jimbuna
01-15-24, 02:07 PM
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Jimbuna
01-16-24, 09:18 AM
How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
Platapus
01-16-24, 12:08 PM
Today I made a decision to go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face.
My mother and father are the worst.
Jimbuna
01-16-24, 01:19 PM
Are you a detective? I have some undercover work for you.
Platapus
01-16-24, 03:57 PM
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology.
He said that things were better before all this technology.
So I unplugged his life support.
Jimbuna
01-17-24, 10:15 AM
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Jimbuna
01-18-24, 02:49 PM
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Platapus
01-18-24, 06:05 PM
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Jimbuna
01-19-24, 05:28 AM
It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes.
Platapus
01-20-24, 07:39 AM
I won $3 million on the lottery so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75
gotta pay it forward
Jimbuna
01-20-24, 12:59 PM
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Platapus
01-20-24, 08:51 PM
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
Jimbuna
01-21-24, 06:54 AM
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Jimbuna
01-22-24, 01:30 PM
How do you make a pool table laugh? You reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.
Jimbuna
01-22-24, 01:44 PM
You're so stupid you could count your balls all day long and never come up with the same number twice.
Platapus
01-22-24, 05:02 PM
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
Jimbuna
01-23-24, 02:23 PM
Instead of "Who's your daddy" I accidentally said, "How's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.
Jimbuna
01-24-24, 01:37 PM
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
Platapus
01-24-24, 04:33 PM
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Jimbuna
01-25-24, 09:33 AM
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
Jimbuna
01-26-24, 01:04 PM
My wife complained that the vacuum sucks too hard on the rugs and I made a joke... anyway, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.
Platapus
01-27-24, 06:28 AM
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
one still sucks after two years
Jimbuna
01-27-24, 12:40 PM
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
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