The joke thread II

[BossMark]

A married couple were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until their liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a desert island, the only survivors.

Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they started to think about their home back in Arizona.

The wife asked, “Did you remember to pay the final installment on the Chevrolet before we came away?”

“No, honey, I clean forgot. Sorry.”

”Did you remember to pay the electric bill before we left home?”

“No, I completely forgot. Sorry.”

”Did you remember to pay the gas bill?”

”Do you know, that slipped my mind, too. Sorry.”

“And did you remember to pay the six-monthly tax bill?”

”I knew there was something important I had to do. I’m really sorry honey.”

”Well, at least there’s one good thing,” sighed the wife.

“What’s that?”

”They’ll find us.”

[Jimbuna]

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.

Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they’re about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.

"Medicine for rheumatism?"

"Definitely," he says.

"How about Viagra?"

"Of course."

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

"Yes, the works."

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

"All speeds and sizes."

"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

[Catfish]

An American is taking a flight operated by Russian airlines.
The flight attendant comes up to him and asks,“Would you like to eat?”
“What are the options?” he asks. “Yes and no.”

[Jimbuna]

:haha:

[Jimbuna]

My grandfather has a knack for looking on the bright side of life. Even after receiving the terrible diagnosis that he had Alzheimer’s, he was philosophical.

"There’s one good thing that’ll come from this," he told my father.

"What’s that?" asked Dad.

"Now I can hide my own Easter eggs."

[Jimbuna]

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son’s a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally he asked, "Those your kids?"

"They sure are," I said with pride.

"They adopted?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you’re too old to have kids that small."

[Jimbuna]

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians

[Jimbuna]

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."

"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.

"You must be a Democrat."

"I am. How did you know?"

"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."

"You must be a Republican."

"Yes. How did you know?"

"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."

[Jimbuna]

The huge backlog in the doctor’s waiting room was taking its toll. Patients were glancing at their watches and getting restless. Finally one man walked to the receptionist’s station and tapped on the glass. She slid back the window back, saying, "Sir, you’ll have to wait your turn."

"I just had a question," he said dryly, "Is Theresa May still Prime Minister?"

[Jimbuna]

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

[Jimbuna]

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough.

At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

[Aktungbby]

https://i.pinimg.com/474x/e0/cd/2c/e0cd2cac97dfc4a1eb8a36442bdc9c12--funny-things-funny-stuff.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Boyfriend: “You’re both.”
Girlfriend: “What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”

[Jimbuna]

Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

[Jimbuna]

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

[Jimbuna]

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

[Jimbuna]

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”

“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.

“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”

[Jimbuna]

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

[Platapus]

That's a clever one. :up:

[Jimbuna]

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.

“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”

“What happened?”

“My father couldn’t stand her.”

[Jimbuna]

I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend’s long, curly locks.

“Do you have to do that here?” the embarrassed mother asked.

“I’m not doing anything, Mom,” came her son’s muffled voice. “My earring’s caught in her hair.”

[Catfish]

"English food and english women made England a great seafaring nation."

[Jimbuna]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

[Jimbuna]

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ.

“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, 
so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”

One boy blurted, “Recycle!”

[Jimbuna]

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

[Jimbuna]

“What’s wrong, Billy?” asked the vicar.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Billy.

The vicar put his hands on Billy’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Billy. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

[Jimbuna]

Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.

“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”

The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”

“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”

[Jimbuna]

Before beginning the service, our vicar read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”

[Jimbuna]

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

[Jimbuna]

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”

“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.

“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”

The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”

[Jimbuna]

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

"Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”

"Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

"No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”

[Jimbuna]

The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”

One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”

Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”

The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “

[Jimbuna]

We salesmen believe we can sell anything. But my confidence was put to the test recently in a hotel lobby. When the doors to the elevator opened, it was packed with women. I walked in, flashed a broad grin, and said, "Looks like tonight is my lucky night."

"Don’t count on it," said a voice in the back. "We’re nuns."

[Jimbuna]

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

[Jimbuna]

Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Our computer’s down," said St. Peter. "You’ll have to go back for a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?"

The first priest said, "I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest.

The second priest thought for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week count?"

"No," said St. Peter.

"Well," the priest said, "I’ve always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," said St. Peter. A week later, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asked.

"The first one should be easy," said St. Peter. "He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He’s on a snow tire somewhere in northern Ontario," said St. Peter.

[Jimbuna]

One of my friends is in charge of the part-time help hired by an old-age home run by an order of nuns. She confided to the mother superior, a feisty little nun of 70, that she always felt uncomfortable giving the young girls the obligatory lecture about the need to be careful around certain of the older male patients.

The mother superior volunteered to give it for her, and eventually reduced my friend’s 30 minutes of embarrassed rambling to a one-liner that has now become famous around the place. "Girls," she announced. "Just remember—old ain’t dead."

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I arrived late to a crowded religious convention where there was standing room only. We noticed some people get up to leave, and after they hadn’t returned for several minutes, we took their seats. The woman next to us insisted that the chairs were taken. I assured her that we’d be glad to move if the people came back.

Moments later we sang a hymn, and at its conclusion the music director asked all of us to turn to our neighbors and say that we loved them. The woman at my side faced me and said, "I love you, but those seats are still taken."

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple, admitted by St. Peter through the Pearly Gates, found conditions there just heavenly. Said the man to his wife, "I could have been here two years ago if you hadn’t fed me all that oat bran."

[Jimbuna]

One Sunday our priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."

As I was leaving church, the woman in front of me walked up to the priest, shook his hand, and said, "I’ll take five."

[Jimbuna]

The phone rings at the synagogue office.

"Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz?" The caller asked.

"It is."

"This is HMRC. We wonder if you can help us."

"I’ll try."

"Do you know Herman Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is this man a member of your congregation."

"He is."

"Did he donate £10,000?"

"He will."

[Jimbuna]

A computer salesman dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells the salesman that he can choose between heaven and hell. First he shows the man heaven, where people in white robes play harps and float around.

"Dull," says the salesman.

Next, St. Peter shows him hell: toga parties, excellent food and wine, and everyone looking as though he’s having a wonderful time.

"I’ll take hell," he says.

He enters the gates of hell and is immediately set upon by a dozen demons who poke him with pitchforks. "Hey," the salesman demands as Satan walks past, "what happened to the party I saw going on?"

"Ah," Satan replies. "You must have seen our demo."

[Jimbuna]

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, "Good morning, Fathers."

"Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

"Don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Kathryn from the convent."

[Platapus]

The term "whoa" actually came from the early days of the US Army. It was used as a way to select which soldiers would serve in the Infantry and which would serve in the cavalry.


A prospective recruit would be shown the word


WHOA


and told to say it.


if they replied Hooah, they were sent to the Infantry.



True story that. :03:

[Jimbuna]

Do you know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

[Jimbuna]

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green.

Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.

Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad. A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog, and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball, and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."

[Jimbuna]

A distinguished minister and two elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before going home, but unfortunately, the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.

After being served, one of the elders asked the minister to say grace. "I’d rather not," the clergyman said. "I don’t want him to know I’m here."

[Jimbuna]

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it’ll wipe that silly grin off your face."

[Platapus]

Wait a minute


Oil and petroleum products are made from dead dinosaurs


Plastic is made from oil and petroleum products


So the Plastic Dinosaur I gave to my grandson was made from real dinosaurs


Best. Grandfather. Ever.

[Jimbuna]

We accompanied our son and his fiancée when they met with her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony papers. While filling out the form, our son read aloud a few questions. When he got to the last one, which read "Are you entering this marriage at your own will?" he looked over at his fiancée.

"Put down ‘yes,’ " she said.

[Jimbuna]

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom.

He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.

After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

[Jimbuna]

Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven. "Welcome," St. Peter said. "You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, they all start quacking and it makes a terrible racket."

That sounded simple enough until they passed through the Pearly Gates and found thousands of ducks everywhere. Jake stepped on one right away. The ducks quacked, making an unholy racket, and St. Peter came up to Jake bringing with him a ferocious-looking Amazon woman.

"I warned you if you broke the rule you’d be punished," St. Peter said. Then he chained the Amazon woman to Jake for eternity.

Several hours later, Johnny stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, they all quacked, and St. Peter stepped up to Johnny with an angry-looking, shrewish woman. "As your punishment," St. Peter told Johnny, "you’ll be chained to this woman for eternity."

Billy was extremely careful not to step on a duck. Several months went by. Then St. Peter came up to him with a gorgeous blonde and chained her to Billy, uniting them for all time. "Wow!" exclaimed Billy. "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

"I don’t know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck."

[Jimbuna]

One Sunday morning my sister Liz was surprised to receive a phone call from her minister. He reported that he’d just been in a minor car accident and asked if she could inform the congregation he’d be unable to conduct services that day.

Liz was flattered that out of the entire congregation, she was the one he had called—until the minister went on to say that since Liz was always the last to arrive at church, he knew she would be the only person he could still reach at home.

[Jimbuna]

Doug was leaving church after Christmas services when Father McCarthy took him aside. "Douglas, my son," he said, "it’s time you joined the Army of the Lord. We need to see you every Sunday."

"I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Father," Doug replied.

"Then why do we only see you on Christmas and Easter?"

Doug looked to the right and to the left, and then leaned over to whisper in Father McCarthy’s ear. "I’m in the Secret Service."

[Jimbuna]

As the golfer approached the first tee, a hazardous hole with a green surrounded by water, he debated if he should use his new golf ball. Deciding that the hole was too treacherous, he pulled an old ball out and placed it on the tee. Just then he heard a voice from above say loudly, "Use the new ball!"

Frightened, he replaced the old ball with the new and approached the tee. Now the voice from above shouted, "Take a practice swing!"

With this, the golfer stepped backward and took a swing.

Feeling more confident, he approached the tee when the voice again rang out, "Use the old ball!"

[Jimbuna]

One Sunday I asked our pastor to announce that the church softball team had won its league championship. As he did, he asked team members to stand up.

Although there were usually ten to twelve of us at Sunday service, I was embarrassed to see only four of us standing.

Not missing a beat, the pastor continued, "And what is most amazing is that they won with such a small team."

[Jimbuna]

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.

Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.

Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."

[Jimbuna]

Desperate for a child, a couple asked their priest to pray for them. "I’m going on sabbatical to Rome," he replied. "I’ll light a candle in St. Peter’s for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he found the wife pregnant, tending two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked to speak to her husband and congratulate him.

"He’s gone to Rome," came the harried reply, "to blow out that candle."

[Jimbuna]

The pastor of my church hates to plead for money. But when the coffers were running low, he had no choice. "There’s good news and there’s bad news," he told the congregation. "The good news is that we have more than enough money for all the current and future needs of the parish. The bad news is, it’s still in your pockets."

[Jimbuna]

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him! He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?"

"It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[Jimbuna]

My boyfriend was working in the souvenir shop at Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England. One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were approached by two tourists. "Are you a monk?" one of the women asked.

"No," the attendant explained, "I wear this robe as part of my job, but I’m not a member of any religious order."

"Then where are the monks?" asked the woman.

The man replied, "Oh, there haven’t been any monks here since 1415."

Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, "Betty, we missed the monks."

[Jimbuna]

Kevin was not an ideal child. He managed to get into mischief frequently, and was always trailed by his younger brother, Ken. Finally, at her wits’ end, his long-suffering mother took him to see their parish priest. The father decided to focus Kevin’s mind on higher levels.

"Kevin," he asked with great seriousness, "where is God?"

Kevin gave no reply.

"Kevin, where is God?"

Again there was silence.

For a third time the priest asked the question, and this time Kevin bolted out of the office and ran all the way home. He burst into his brother’s room.

"Ken," he panted breathlessly, "Father can’t find God and he thinks we had something to do with it!"

[Jimbuna]

The ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything to get him to do well in school, but nothing worked. Finally they enrolled him in a Catholic school. From his first day, the boy spent every night poring over books. When his first report card came, he had received an A in math.

"Son," his father asked, "what made the difference in math class? The nuns? The textbooks?"

"Dad, I had never taken math seriously before," the boy admitted. "But when I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!"

[Jimbuna]

During an ice storm I went to check the mailbox, carefully shuffling down the driveway. When I reached for the mail, my feet went straight up in the air, and I landed on my back. More embarrassed than hurt, I looked to see if anyone witnessed my fall and spied a fire truck passing by. The crew had seen the whole thing.

Firefighters climbed out of the truck to assist me. "It’s the preacher," one said. "Are you okay?"

"I just got the wind knocked out of me," I replied.

"Wow," said another firefighter. "It takes a lot to knock the wind out of a preacher!"

[Jimbuna]

The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention. "Your roof needs repair, Father," she said. "Your water pressure is bad and your furnace is not working."

"Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allowed, "you’ve been the housekeeper here five years, and I’ve only been here a few days. Why not say our roof and our furnace?"

Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office, terribly upset. "Father, Father," she blurted, "there’s a mouse in our room and it’s under our bed!"

[Jimbuna]

The preacher, arriving in a small town to be guest speaker at a local church, wanted to mail a letter to his family back home. He stopped a young boy on a bike and asked him where the post office was. The boy gave him directions, and the preacher thanked him.

"If you come to church this evening," the preacher said, "I’ll tell you how to get to heaven."

"I don’t think I’ll be there," the boy said. "You don’t even know your way to the post office."

[Jimbuna]

A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed, and passed out cold.

The woman’s daughter rushed into the room and found this note on the computer screen. "My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

[Catfish]

In Russia, one policeman asks another
“So, what do you think of Putin?”
His colleague looks around before replying,
“The same as you, comrade,”
whereupon Policeman No. 1 declares,
“In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”

[Jimbuna]

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?"

[Jimbuna]

Sharma, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at the church we’ve both attended for years. She and her husband usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to be sure to hear the Scripture reading. They sat beside a longtime church member who cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y’all from?"

Taken by surprise, Sharma mumbled, "The back."

[Jimbuna]

A group of guys I know took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel, and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn’t be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.

[Jimbuna]

During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That’s okay. We like big boobs."

[Jimbuna]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

[Jimbuna]

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”

The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

[Jimbuna]

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got burgled tonight.”

[Jimbuna]

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

[Jimbuna]

An old lady comes to her doctor and says, “Doctor, you know how you told me I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as possible?”

“Yes,” nods the doctor, “we agreed on that after the latest X-rays.”

“Well I don’t know if it was such a great recommendation. All the climbing up and down the rain gutter is really exhausting!”

[Jimbuna]

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

[Jimbuna]

Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.

After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”

“What?”

“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.

“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”

[Platapus]

I was walking with my girlfriend and I noticed her tearing and sniffing.


I asked her what was wrong and she replied "oh it is just the pollen"


I wondered what was so sad about pollen. :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”

She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”

Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”

[Jimbuna]

The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?”

The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”

Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

[Jimbuna]

Two men talking on a bus:

“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”

“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

[Jimbuna]

In a shoe shop:

These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.

Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.

[Jimbuna]

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”

[Jimbuna]

At an interview: “In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20 000, later on it can go up to 40 000.”

“OK, I’ll come again later then.”

[Jimbuna]

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.

[Jimbuna]

– When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.

– Really? I have the exact opposite.

– Wow, seriously?

– Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

[Jimbuna]

I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

[Jimbuna]

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: "I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus."

[Jimbuna]

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.

“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”

The man sighs, “my wife.”

[Jimbuna]

Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”

“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”

[Jimbuna]

My neighbour came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly crapped in her pants.

[Jimbuna]

A man well into his seventies asks his wife: "Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?"

"Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary, “our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!"

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for £100?“

“Of course not!” replies the lady.

“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”

[Jimbuna]

In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”

[Jimbuna]

Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.

“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

[Jimbuna]

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

[Jimbuna]

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

[Jimbuna]

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

[Jimbuna]

A tourist is enjoying the sights from the famous Tashkent tower in Uzbekistan when suddenly a guy in a hang-glider arrives, smashes into the tower and tumbles down to certain death.

Shortly afterwards, a second hang-glider does exactly the same.

The horrified tourist turns to the local guide, asking what on Earth just happened.

The guide shrugs, “You know how it is. Poor country, poor terrorists.”

[Jimbuna]

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

[Jimbuna]

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favourite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

[Jimbuna]

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"

[Jimbuna]

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking.



Stupid mosquitoes!

[Jimbuna]

I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.

[Jimbuna]

A question on an internet forum:

Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.

Answer: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

[Jimbuna]

My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.

So I took off her blouse.

She said, “Now off with the skirt.”

I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”

And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”

I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”

[Jimbuna]

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

[Jimbuna]

I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.

[Jimbuna]

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

[Jimbuna]

I just came back from a court. They charged the guy with bringing his own bag of candy, popcorn and soda to the cinema.

It’s really unjust that he lost. Eventually he had to pay the court fees and legal counsel. At least he was still a few poundss in the black compared to having bought all that at the cinema.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

[Jimbuna]

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

[Jimbuna]

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”

The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: You're obese.

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

[Jimbuna]

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross?

The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."

[Jimbuna]

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

[Jimbuna]

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

[Jimbuna]

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

[Jimbuna]

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

[Jimbuna]

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhoea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

[Jimbuna]

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”

“Yeah!”

“Are you hurt?”

“No!”

“Not a scratch? How come?!“

“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

[Jimbuna]

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay £855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?

[Jimbuna]

Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"


"Go away! I'm crapping!"

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

[Jimbuna]

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

[Jimbuna]

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Jimbuna]

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket.

Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops.

After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, my parents came for a surprise visit."

[Jimbuna]

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

[Jimbuna]

A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

[mikesn9]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually
said in court,
word for word,
taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.




ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?




ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid



ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

[Jimbuna]

Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

[Jimbuna]

“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”

“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”

“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.“

[Jimbuna]

Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”

“And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

[Jimbuna]

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

[Jimbuna]

The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.

[Jimbuna]

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

[Jimbuna]

Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”

[Jimbuna]

Where do we get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

[Platapus]

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.




Was she armed with a pair of 38's?

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”

Doctor: “I only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

[Jimbuna]

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

[Armistead]

My girlfriend and I sometimes like to role play out fantasies. It's been her turn lately. First fantasy, she fantasied I was a black guy. Next I was a cowboy, then a construction worker...

You ever have a bingo moment where you figure it out. I was driving to work this morning and cut the radio on.... at the "Y. M. C. A". I rushed to the museum and got me an Indian headdress, leather thong and a tomahawk. I can't wait to jump out and surprise her tonight!

[Jimbuna]

Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.

Mother: No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

[Jimbuna]

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!” - The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?

[Jimbuna]

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
-
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

[Jimbuna]

I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very sternly and said, "I want her home by midnight, young man!"

I said, "What do you mean? You already own her home!"

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes. - Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimers."

Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

[Jimbuna]

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

[Jimbuna]

I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”…

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the new movie constipation?

[No]

It hasn’t come out yet.

[Jimbuna]

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

[Jimbuna]

Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can't see him.”

[Jimbuna]

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

[Jimbuna]

Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"

"So you can all be really sad when I die."

[Jimbuna]

Famous last words of the gym teacher? "All spears to me."

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The love of your life.

Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!

[Jimbuna]

A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct." The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"

"The old fool used an elastic rope!"

[Jimbuna]

I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.

[Jimbuna]

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it because the thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.

[Jimbuna]

Daddy what is a transvestite?

Ask Mommy, he knows.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Is Google a he or a she?

A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

[Platapus]

To the person who stole my anti-depressants


I just hope you are happy

[Jimbuna]

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

[Jimbuna]

An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.

A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.

The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.

[Jimbuna]

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question"

[Jimbuna]

Job interview in a psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?

I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.

Very good, the job is yours.

[Jimbuna]

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

[Jimbuna]

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

[Jimbuna]

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

[Jimbuna]

Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes now.

[Jimbuna]

Man to a butcher: "I'd like some bull's testicles."

Butcher: "So would I."

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

[Aktungbby]

Life happens in two stages: Youth; and..."Hey! your still looking pretty good...":doh:

[Jimbuna]

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

[Jimbuna]

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

[eddie]

Out of all fast food restaurants, I have decided to stick with Subway. Its the only place that makes me feel I am eating healthy when I order a whole loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it!

[Jimbuna]

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his mother, “You’re right. He did gain weight.”

[Jimbuna]

I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Tesco!

[Jimbuna]

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

[Jimbuna]

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

[Jimbuna]

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

[Jimbuna]

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

[Jimbuna]

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”

The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that crapped in your trombone is here!”

[Jimbuna]

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"

"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

[Jimbuna]

My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!

[Jimbuna]

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

[Jimbuna]

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.

The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.

“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.

The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”

“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.

The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.

“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.

“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

[Jimbuna]

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

[Jimbuna]

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:

"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

[Jimbuna]

Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

You don’t need make-up, Jane.

Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!

You need plastic surgery.

[Jimbuna]

My optician said he thinks I am colour blind, not sure if he is right, bit of a shock, it has come completely out of the green.

[Jimbuna]

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

[Jimbuna]

How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?

[Jimbuna]

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

[Jimbuna]

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that crap in their intestines?”

[Jimbuna]

Mum, I'm already 14, can't I finally get a bra?!

NO Harold!

[Jimbuna]

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."

[Jimbuna]

Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”

[Jimbuna]

A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”

The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”

A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”

Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”

[Jimbuna]

Astronaut's last words: OMG guys, who farted? I have to open the window.

[Jimbuna]

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

[Jimbuna]

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a Member of Parliament!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

[Platapus]

It's not easy being a bachelor


I have to clean my own dishes
I have to take out my own trash
I have to clean my own apartment
I have to do my own laundry



Then a month or two later, I have to do it all over again.

[Jimbuna]

The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”

[Jimbuna]

A fat guy and a thin guy meet:

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”

[Jimbuna]

Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my soup as you were carrying it over!

Thank you for your kind concern, sir, but it’s OK, the soup is only lukewarm.

[Platapus]

Growing up, I wanted to be a monk.


But I never got the chants.

[Platapus]

Some days, I think it is only a matter of time before they put the word "Syndrome" after my name

[Jimbuna]

Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?

Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.

[Jimbuna]

Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.

[Jimbuna]

“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”

“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”

[Jimbuna]

Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.

Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.”

Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”

[Jimbuna]

About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a £20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

[Jimbuna]

A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.

The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”

“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”

“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”

[Jimbuna]

A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

[Jimbuna]

Jenny, if you think your husband’s handsome, you should see my boyfriend.

Oh, he’s a hottie, is he?

Nope, an optician.

[Jimbuna]

Proper spelling and grammar is very important and for instance a coma can totally change the meaning of a statement.

Here’s an example:

"Travis is in a rush."
"Travis is in a coma."

[Jimbuna]

Girl: "I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up."

Me: "Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground."

[Jimbuna]

An English teacher asks Little Johnny: “Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’”

Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make children."

[Jimbuna]

A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”

The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”

“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.

He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”

[Jimbuna]

A guy wakes up in the morning and tells his wife: “Wow darling, you won’t believe what happened. I dreamt I was forced to eat a live sheep and now I can’t see my pillow anywhere!”

The wife answers, “The pillow’s fine, it’s lying right there on the floor, but I have been calling our dog in vain for the past 5 minutes!”

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks his neighbour in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbour.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbour again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbour smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

[Jimbuna]

My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.

[Jimbuna]

A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”

The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”

A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”

A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”

[Catfish]

Regarding the last 20 or so jokes it seems someone finally translated those german jokes from the 1960ies :D :O:

[Catfish]

Only when the first plane took off from the new Berlin airport, you will realize that the British still do not know how to get out of the EU

[Jimbuna]

I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.

[Jimbuna]

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”

Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”

“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?”

His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”

[Jimbuna]

Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”

Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”

Police officer: “But why report it now?”

Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”

[Jimbuna]

I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car.

YOU DID WHAT?!

Cookies. I made cookies for you.

[Jimbuna]

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.

Poof once more – and he’s 90.

[Jimbuna]

A man and his wife are getting ready for a gala event. The wife gets into her dress and asks her husband, "Does this make my butt look too big, Derek?"

The husband sighs and says, "Sweetie, do you promise that you won’t get angry, no matter what I say?"

The wife gulps and says, "Of course, Derek, I promise, I won’t get angry."

The husband looks her over from all sides and says, "I slept with your cousin."

[Jimbuna]

Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.

[Jimbuna]

A guy’s brain cell meets another brain cell and wonders: “Where is everybody? It’s so dark and empty in here!”

“Just come with me,” says the other brain cell, “They’re all down there.”