The joke thread II [Archive] - Page 14 - SUBSIM Radio Room Forums

Angelis

10-30-21, 02:13 PM

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:
„Give me six double vodkas.“

The barman says:
„Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.“

„Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.“

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:
„I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!“

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said:
„Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?“

„Yeah, my wife…“

Jimbuna

10-31-21, 09:35 AM

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5'8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.

Jimbuna

11-01-21, 10:10 AM

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and one to Miami.'

She said, 'We can't do that!'

I told her, 'You did it last week!'

Jimbuna

11-02-21, 08:30 AM

A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry, we’re through!”

“What? You want to break up? Why?”

“I’m sick of you constantly laughing at my weight!”

“Ah darling, please, don’t be like that! Come here, grab these two chairs for yourself, let’s sit down and talk it out.”

Jimbuna

11-03-21, 01:56 PM

An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings.

"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."

"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

Platapus

11-04-21, 03:34 PM

Do dogs understand elevators?

Or do they think they are just stepping into the world changing machine? :06:

Platapus

11-05-21, 04:16 PM

There is a "D" in fridge
But no "D" in refrigerator

(scratching head)

Jimbuna

11-06-21, 07:54 AM

My grandpa kept getting at me for years, telling me how I’m hooked on all these ‘electronic gadgets’ and such. Look who’s laughing now – he just had a pacemaker put in.

Catfish

11-06-21, 05:09 PM

There is a "D" in fridge
But no "D" in refrigerator
(scratching head)
The logic of (some) languages :D

Jimbuna

11-07-21, 02:29 PM

What is yellow and makes moms happy in the morning?

The school bus.

Platapus

11-08-21, 04:52 PM

Woman talking to a pharmacist.

"Sir, does Viagra really work on men?"

"Yes. Ma'am. For some men it works rather well."

"Can you get it over the counter?"

"Yes, Ma'am, but I usually have to take two pills for that."

Jimbuna

11-09-21, 02:59 PM

Do you think there’s no good news about having Alzheimer's?

You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus you are constantly making new friends.

Jimbuna

11-10-21, 12:47 PM

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

Platapus

11-10-21, 03:06 PM

Q: What were the first words Eve said to Adam in the Garden?

A: Golly, that's a hard one

Jimbuna

11-11-21, 09:35 AM

A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him so he comes home early from work one day. His wife meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. “Where is he?” he demands. “Where’s the guy who’s been sleeping with you?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear,” she answers, so the guy tears the house apart looking for him. Finally he’s on the second floor in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees a guy sitting in a Volkswagen. “That’s him,” the guy thinks. “That’s the guy who’s been sleeping with my wife!” He’s so furious, he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window, has a heart attack, and dies.

St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven. “Why are you here?” he asks and the guy answers, “I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early. I saw her boyfriend sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, had a heart attack, and died.” St. Peter scowls and says, “You don’t belong here. Go to hell.” He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens, and the guy disappears.

A couple of minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. “What are you doing here?” St. Peter asks and the guy answers, “I don’t know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when somebody threw a refrigerator at me!” St. Peter wags his finger at him and says, “I heard about you. You go to hell too!” He pulls the big lever, the trap door opens, and the guy disappears.

A couple of minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. “What are you doing here?” St. Peter asks and the guy answers, “I don’t know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business…”

Platapus

11-12-21, 04:29 PM

I often say to myself "I can't believe that cloning machine actually worked".

Platapus

11-13-21, 07:20 AM

I hear that corduroy pillows are making headlines all over the place.

Jimbuna

11-13-21, 07:52 AM

A guy asked a girl sitting alone at the library, "do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl answered with a loud voice, "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt a little embarrassed, right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice, "WHAT?! 200 DOLLARS JUST FOR ONE NIGHT?! THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

Now all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make others feel guilty."

Platapus

11-13-21, 10:25 AM

I was determined to get revenge on my local bus company.
I decided to pull out all the stops.

Jimbuna

11-13-21, 11:46 AM

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."

Jimbuna

11-14-21, 11:22 AM

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd
looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it
to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.

He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep.
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches
the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says
the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers
the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to
get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and
you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

Jimbuna

11-16-21, 09:39 AM

Four friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.

One goes to get food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

The first lady says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The second said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an architect, started his own development company, and became so rich he built his best friend a castle.

The fourth lady came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz was about.

They told her about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said that her son is a gay stripper and he works in a strip club.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

"Oh no!! He is doing extremely well” said the lady, "last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..."

Platapus

11-16-21, 04:12 PM

I kicked a pregnant woman in the stomach.

Didn't care

The only thing that happened was

That I was born a few weeks later

Jimbuna

11-17-21, 08:14 AM

A foreigner asked an Indian Husband,
"Why Indian Women have Red
Dot on their forehead ?"

Indian replied,
"Because they Record everything.."

Platapus

11-17-21, 05:25 PM

If you boil a funny bone
Do you get laughing stock?

Platapus

11-17-21, 05:27 PM

I signed up for my company's 401K

To be perfectly honest, I doubt that I could ever run that far.

Jimbuna

11-18-21, 06:31 AM

Einstein said to Chaplin: "What I most admire about your art... You don't say a word, and the rest of the world understands you."

"It is true", answered Chaplin, "but your glory is even greater. The whole world admires you, even though they don't understand a word of what you say!"

Platapus

11-18-21, 04:54 PM

Where do I keep my bad dad jokes

in a Dad a base, of course

Jimbuna

11-19-21, 10:40 AM

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened. Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

fireftr18

11-19-21, 09:16 PM

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

A lesson politicians need. :O:

Platapus

11-20-21, 06:09 AM

Or
The passenger needs to follow the directions and show the bus pass to the driver/conductor

Jimbuna

11-20-21, 01:55 PM

A fifteen year old Mexican boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Go get your Mother."

Jimbuna

11-21-21, 02:39 PM

Once a guy with Purple,Green & Blue hair was standing next to an old man.
The old man started staring at him.
Boy:"Whats up oldie? Never did anything wild???"
The old man replied"yeah. screwed a peacock once .. wondering if you are my son.

Jimbuna

11-22-21, 02:11 PM

I was walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,

Platapus

11-22-21, 04:54 PM

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel
but you didn't like it.

Jimbuna

11-23-21, 07:03 AM

After being married for 50 years, this man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.’

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

His wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Jimbuna

11-24-21, 07:24 AM

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old rooster...
As he feels that the old rooster could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young rooster from the market...
Old rooster to Young rooster:
"Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...
Young rooster: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.
Old rooster : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young rooster: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old rooster: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have
all.
Young rooster: Okay!
What kind of competition?
Old rooster: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young rooster: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
In the morning the Young rooster allows the Old rooster to start off &
when the Old rooster crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old rooster's back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly....."BANG" !!!
Before he could overtake the old rooster, he was shot dead by the farmer...
who cursed,

"Hell"
This is the 5th GAY rooster I've bought this week." ??
Moral: Always respect your seniors & Watch out for corporate politics!!!!

Jimbuna

11-25-21, 10:19 AM

Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?"
When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said,
"Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Platapus

11-26-21, 05:25 AM

A dog may be man's best friend
But a cat will never show the cops where the drugs are

Platapus

11-27-21, 06:47 AM

Do you know why humans can't hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle

Jimbuna

11-27-21, 07:40 AM

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I will crap on it."

Jimbuna

11-27-21, 10:01 AM

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is. "

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money? " The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about. "

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. "

The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is. "

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? "

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate. "

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger. "

Jimbuna

11-28-21, 01:43 PM

A servant enrolled his donkey in a race & won.

Local paper read: 'Servant's ASS WON'.

King was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the servant to get rid of the donkey, and sell it to his queen.

As ordered, He gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read:

"QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN".

The king fainted.

Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for £10.

Next day paper read:

"QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR £10".

This was too much, KING ordered the queen to buy back the donkey & leave it in the jungle.

The next day Headlines:

"QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD & FREE"

The king died next day!

Jimbuna

11-29-21, 01:34 PM

First women in space.

"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"Whats the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us."
"I'm fine."

Jimbuna

11-30-21, 12:12 PM

This beautiful woman has a severe accident, her car and a man's crash into eachother; both crawl out of the wrecked cars and start chatting.

"Look at our cars", says the woman. "They are ruined but we don't have a scratch. It's a sign, we were supposed to meet like this."
"Yes I strongly agree, definitely a sign."

A moment of silence, then she says:
"Hey, another sign. My car is wrecked, but this bottle of wine in the back is untouched. I think it's God's way of telling us to celebrate this moment, this unique chance, of still being alive."
"Of course."

She takes the wine and gives it to the man who drinks a bit, then offers her the bottle back. She takes the bottle, seals it and gives it back to him.

"Aren't you going to have some?", he asks.
"No thank you, I'll just wait here for the police".

Jimbuna

12-01-21, 10:56 AM

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday,
minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of Swaggers, young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands "JB I love you" spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly, they yelled, " Baby baby Baby oohhh " and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Platapus

12-03-21, 05:58 PM

No matter how kind you are
German children are kinder

magic452

12-04-21, 01:13 AM

I've not been feeling well so I thought I'd go to the pub...I walked in and ordered 3 double brandies, a red bull & a bag of pork scratchings.

I necked the red bull and two of the brandies and was just washing down the pork scratchings with the last brandy. "I really shouldn't be having this with what I've got" I said to the barman. "Oh why's that sir? What have you got?"

"About £3.50.…”

Magic

Platapus

12-04-21, 05:38 AM

I have no ikea why the Swedish are so clever at furniture design.

Jimbuna

12-04-21, 06:26 AM

A nun found herself walking through a questionable neighborhood one night on her way back to the convent. Nearing a bar, she saw a large, disreputable-looking man step outside. He began walking towards her, clearly swaying as a result of the many drinks he had undoubtedly just consumed.

Although the nun very much disapproved of overindulging in drink, she decided that this time, discretion was the better part of valor. She smiled at him and stepped to the side to pass him. Suddenly, the man hauled back and punched her in the face. As she fell back in shock and pain, he threw another punch. And another and another.

The last thing she heard before she passed out: "Ya ain't shhho tough tonight, arrrrrre ya Batman??"

Jimbuna

12-04-21, 06:29 AM

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know what, I just HATE drawing welfare I would really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Platapus

12-04-21, 11:59 AM

Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes painted on the hull?

To make it easier to scan the navy in.

Jimbuna

12-06-21, 08:47 AM

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the meantime, Steve cares for her; keeps her sheltered, watered, fed and clean.

When the young woman finally comes to, Steve is shocked when he realises that she is actually Jennifer Lawrence. It takes Jennifer another week or so to fully recover but, once she does, they share their survival responsibilities equally. Steve is the better cook, Jennifer the better diver.

After a month or so, Jennifer begins to realise what a find Steve is. He’s intelligent, unassuming, fit, not unattractive, caring and he has made zero attempt to jump her. Romance blooms. Steve turns out to be an imaginative and enthusiastic lover. Bliss reigns.

One night, some time later, while sitting around the campfire, Jennifer notices that Steve is a bit glum.

“Are you OK?” , she asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”, Steve says.

“No you’re not, Steve. Something’s wrong. What’s wrong, Steve?”

“No, I’m OK. Really.”, Steve says.

“Steve, if there’s something missing, something you need, I want to help.”

“I’m sorry, Jen, but you’d think I was really weird.”

“Weird!”, Jennifer exclaims. “I work in Hollywood. Steve, you have no idea. Please, let me help.”

“Are you sure?”, Steve asks quietly.

“I’m sure.”, Jennifer says. “What do you want me to do?”

“Well,”, says Steve. “Can you put on my cap and tuck your hair up in it?”

“Thanks. Now can you take this piece of charcoal and use it to draw yourself a moustache?”

“Thanks. Now, do you mind if i call you Joe?”

“Joe?”, asks Jennifer. “OK, you can call me Joe.”

A long pause in the firelight ….

“Joe,” says Steve. “You are NOT going to believe who I’ve been sleeping with.”

Jimbuna

12-07-21, 10:04 AM

A woman asked her engineer husband to go to the store.

“Please get a dozen eggs and if they have avocados get three.”

So the guy comes home with three dozen eggs.

“How come you got three dozen eggs” she asks.

“Because they had avocados”

Platapus

12-07-21, 05:47 PM

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts cost about $2.50
Deer Nuts are under a Buck.

Jimbuna

12-08-21, 09:29 AM

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.

Platapus

12-08-21, 05:48 PM

I eat three square meals a day
I work out two times a day
I have sex three times a day

But I am getting of being in prison.

Rockstar

12-09-21, 08:08 PM

Why did the Monk start pulling coins out of his butt? “Because change comes from within”. :har:

Jimbuna

12-11-21, 07:43 AM

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spy some surfers. The younger one licks his lips and makes a beeline for them.
"Just a minute," says his father, stopping him. "First we swim around them with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they do.
"Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing."
And they do.
"Now we eat everybody."
When they are both gorged, the son asks, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them when we first saw them?"
"Because they taste better without all the poop inside."

Jimbuna

12-12-21, 02:28 PM

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.

The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.

Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:

“What would be a tragedy, kids?”

A bespectacled boy nervously answers:

“If my best friend died of pneumonia, that would be a tragedy.”

“No, that would be a great loss,” Trump corrects him.

Another shy young child answers:

“If my uncle got hit by a train, that would be a tragedy.”

“No, no, that would be an accident,” Trump replies.

A young girl raises her hand. The wealthy businessman asks her if she’d like to give an example of a tragedy. The girl nods, and says:

“If Mr. Trump was in his private jet, and a missile hit the jet, that would be a tragedy.”

“Yes, that would be a tragedy for sure. Can you tell me why?” The businessman asks.

“Well, it definitely wasn’t a great loss, and I’m not sure if it was an accident, either,”

answers the young girl.

Jimbuna

12-14-21, 10:45 AM

The funniest story told about a South Korean President is no doubt the
tale of Kim Young Sam's meeting with U.S. President Bill Clinton. As the story goes, Kim spoke little English and worried about embarrassing himself during the pre-meeting photo-op. His aides tried to coach him. They practiced lines: Kim would say, "How are you?" Clinton would surely answer "Fine" and no doubt politely return the question. All Kim had to say was, "Me too." Then the pair could head off and speak in private, through interpreters.

What happened, the story continues, is that, when the presidents finally
met, Kim got confused and said, "Who are you?" Clinton, figuring his
counterpart was joking, teasingly bantered back: "I'm Hillary's husband."
Kim, who had learned at least one of his lines, confidently retorted: "Me
too."

Platapus

12-14-21, 04:05 PM

PSA

If you wear a mask and glasses
You may be entitled to condensation

Catfish

12-15-21, 05:47 AM

"I believe Donald Trump was sent by god"
"Why? Did he run out of locusts?"

Jimbuna

12-15-21, 12:08 PM

Shhh... This is a top secret!
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Shhh... This a bottom secret!

magic452

12-16-21, 01:52 AM

A Covid Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, but Covid was here,
So we all had to stay extra cautious this year.
Our masks were all hung by the chimney with care
In case Santa forgot his and needed a spare.
With Covid, we couldn't leave cookies or cake
So we left Santa hand sanitizer to take.

The children were sleeping, the brave little tots
The ones over 5 had just had their first shots,
And mom in her kerchief and me in my cap
Had just settled in for a long winter's nap.
But we tossed and we turned all night in our beds
As visions of variants danced in our heads.

Gamma and Delta and now Omicron
These Covid mutations that go on and on
I thought to myself, "If this doesn't get better,
I'll soon be familiar with every Greek letter".

Then just as I started to drift off and doze
A clatter of noise from the front lawn arose.
I leapt from my bed and ran straight down the stair
I opened the door, and an old gent stood there.

His N 95 made him look pretty weird
But I knew who he was by his red suit and beard.
I kept six feet away but blurted out quick
"What are you doing here, jolly Saint Nick?"

Then I said, "Where's your presents, your reindeer and sleigh ?
Don't you know that tomorrow will be Christmas Day? ".
And Santa stood there looking sad in the snow
As he started to tell me a long tale of woe.

He said he'd been stuck at the North Pole alone
All his white collar elves had been working from home,
And most of the others said "Santa, don't hire us!
We can live off the CERB now, thanks to the virus".

Those left in the toyshop had little to do.
With supply chain disruptions, they could make nothing new.
And as for the reindeer, they'd all gone away.
None of them left to pull on his sleigh.

He said Dasher and Dancer were in quarantine,
Prancer and Vixen refused the vaccine,
Comet and Cupid were in ICU,
So were Donner and Blitzen, they may not pull through.

And Rudolph's career can't be resurrected.
With his shiny red nose, they all think he's infected.
Even with his old sleigh, Santa couldn't go far.
Every border to cross needs a new PCR.

Santa sighed as he told me how nice it would be
If children could once again sit on his knee.
He couldn't care less if they're naughty or nice
But they'd have to show proof that they'd had their shot twice.

But then the old twinkle returned to his eyes.
And he said that he'd brought me a Christmas surprise.
When I unwrapped the box and opened it wide,
Starlight and rainbows streamed out from inside.

Some letters whirled round and flew up to the sky
And they spelled out a word that was 40 feet high.
There first was an H, then an O, then a P,
Then I saw it spelled HOPE when it added the E.

"Christmas magic" said Santa as he smiled through his beard.
Then suddenly all of the reindeer appeared.
He jumped into his sleigh and he waved me good-bye,
Then he soared o'er the rooftops and into the sky.

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
"Get your vaccines my friends, Merry Christmas, good-night".
Then I went back to bed and a sweet Christmas dream
Of a world when we'd finished with Covid 19.

Magic

Jimbuna

12-16-21, 12:17 PM

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

Jimbuna

12-17-21, 10:32 AM

The teacher walks into the classroom and calls the class of 10 year olds to order.

“Ok children, today we are going to play a little game. I am going to ask you what your father does and you will say what he does, then you will spell it out loud and then you will tell the class what he would do if he were here right now.”

The teacher surveys the class then picks her top student to go first, “Suzie what does your father do?”

Suzie stands up and says, “My dad is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here he would give us all a loaf of bread.”

“Excellent”, crows the teacher, “Well done Suzie.” She looks around again and calls out David. David stands up.

“My dad is a Banker. B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here he would give us all $1.”

“Well done David. Timmy, your turn.”

“Um well, my d-d-d dad is an Electrician. E-T-C-R um E-C-T um E-L-E-D….”

The teacher shouts at Timmy. “For goodness sake Timmy that is ridiculous. At this age you should know how to spell what your father does for a job. Go to the back, face the corner and stay there until you can spell it correctly and without hesitation!”

Timmy shuffles off to the back corner as the teacher turns around again and barks out the name Johnny. Johnny stands confidently with a smile plastered across his face.

“My dad is a Bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. And if he was here he would bet 100 to 1 that Timmy ain't leaving that corner all day.

Jimbuna

12-19-21, 02:50 PM

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

'I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.'

'so what do you think about that Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver siting at the waters edge...'

'He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it right at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang bang'.'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now what do you think about that?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

Jimbuna

12-20-21, 08:51 AM

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss, "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "This one cost me ﬁfteen dollars."

So the parents began to panic and asked, "Who would sell a car like that for ﬁfteen dollars?"

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for ﬁfteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on"

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for ﬁfteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

"Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived. He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money...So I did."

Jeff-Groves

12-20-21, 03:51 PM

I came up with a Million Dollar idea!
I'm going to produce door locks for Tents!

Jimbuna

12-21-21, 10:46 AM

A girl invites her boyfriend to come over for dinner with her parents. She tells him that after dinner, she would "do it" with him for the first time. Never having done this before, the boy goes to the local pharmacist for advice. The pharmacist gives him all the information he needs to know about protection. At the end, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy chooses the family pack, thinking that this being his first time, he would be kept busy all night.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and joins her parents for dinner. He offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and he is still deep in prayer with his head down. Five minutes pass. Ten minutes pass and the girl, now unable to contain her curiosity, leans over and whispers in his ears, "I didn't know that you were so religious!" to which the boy replies, "I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist."

Platapus

12-21-21, 07:44 PM

For Christmas Breakfast, I like to eat Eggs Benedict served on a car's hubcap.

After all, there is no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

Catfish

12-22-21, 04:10 PM

This year I will be enjoying a white Christmas.

And if the white runs out, I will drink the red.

Jimbuna

12-23-21, 08:21 AM

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence? " He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence? "

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another. " He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, " The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

" Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report. "

Platapus

12-23-21, 05:57 PM

I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping for the kids

I asked the clerk where I could find the Terminator toys

He replied. Aisle B, Back

Platapus

12-23-21, 08:36 PM

Santa has the right idea
Only visit people once a year.

Jimbuna

12-27-21, 05:59 AM

A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road. Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really knowing how to talk to a nun and all — but it eventually develops into a light, breezy conversation. They are really getting along and having a nice time.

So the guy nervously decides to delve a little deeper and asks,

“Sister, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but one thing that I’ve always wondered about is how you can go your whole life without having sex? Isn’t that hard?”

The nun replies, “Well, you know my son, that’s a big misconception. We actually are allowed to have sex, we just have to follow 3 rules.”

“Rule number one is that you can only have sex with someone who is Catholic.”

“Rule number two is that you can only have sex with someone who is not married.”

“Rule number three is that it must be up the butt.”

Intrigued, he replies, “Well sister, I’m Catholic and I’m not married. What do you say…..”

She gives him the once over and says, “Ok, why not?”

So they pull over into a secluded lot and go at it hot and heavy, and have a great time.

They get back on the road and eventually get to the nun’s destination. She turns to say goodbye and sees the man is crying.

“Goodness, what’s the matter?” she asks him

“Sister, I feel so guilty, I must confess. I’m actually Jewish and married!” he says

The nun looks at him and says, “That’s ok because my name is Steve and I’m headed to a costume party.

Jimbuna

12-27-21, 06:01 AM

Two atoms were walking down the street.

"I think I just lost an electron," says one.

"Are you sure?" asked the other?

"I'm positive."

Jimbuna

12-29-21, 12:42 PM

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Jimbuna

12-31-21, 12:52 PM

CIGARETTE:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:

It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's.

CONFERENCE:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

CONFERENCE ROOM:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees in the end.

SMILE:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

YAWN:

The only opportunity some married men

ever get to open their mouths.

EXPERIENCE:

The name men give to their mistakes.

DIPLOMAT:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

OPTIMIST:

A person who, while falling from the EIFFEL TOWER, says midway:

"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

BOSS:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence afterward.

DOCTOR:

A person who kills your ills with pills and later with his bills... :)

Jimbuna

01-02-22, 10:36 AM

A hot blonde walks into an elevator. There is a fat middle aged guy in there, and the blonde says “T.G.I.F. The man then says “S.H.I.T.” The blonde then says “Don’t you know what T.G.I.F. stands for?”. The fat guy is like “Don’t you know what S.H.I.T. stands for? “. The blonde then says “T.G.I.F. Thank Goodness Its Friday, duhhhhhh.” And the fat dude says “S.H.I.T. Sorry honey, its Thursday, duhhhhhhh.”

Platapus

01-04-22, 04:26 PM

A vegetarian friend of mine told me that people who sell meat are gross

I replied, "Oh yeah? Well people who sell vegetables are Grocer"

Jimbuna

01-05-22, 08:49 AM

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering a lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Jimbuna

01-08-22, 10:40 AM

I was driving to work this Wednesday and was fiddling with my phone.

I didn’t notice soon enough that there was a red light, and lightly bumped the car in front of me.

It wasn’t major or anything; just a fender bender. But the guy driving the car I hit jumped out and was just furious.

He was also a Little Person - someone with dwarfism.

His face was red and he was jumping up and down yelling, “I am not happy! I am not happy!”

So I said the only thing that came to mind…

“Which one are you, then?”

That’s when the fight started.

Jimbuna

01-10-22, 10:46 AM

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she met St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and said
....
....

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Jimbuna

01-11-22, 01:42 PM

Cavendish, MacGregor, and O'Shaughnessy were sitting together, in a bar in Sydney.

"The view here is fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional," said MacGregor. "But I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Aberdeen, there's a wee pub called MacTavish's. MacTavish goes out of his way for the locals. So much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said Cavendish, "at my local pub in Leicester, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink, after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said O'Shaughnessy. "Back home in Cork, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment ye set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink. And then another, afore ye finish the first one. And all the drinks you'd like, all night long. Then, when you've had plenty to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, as many times as you want - ALL on the house!"

Cavendish and MacGregor immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but O'Shaughnessy swears every word is true.

"Come now, my good man," said Cavendish, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Well, not meself personally, no," said O'Shaughnessy, "but it did happen to me sister."

Jimbuna

01-12-22, 01:34 PM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

magic452

01-13-22, 12:41 AM

A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."

"Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor.

The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."

The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"

The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"

Magic

Platapus

01-13-22, 06:55 AM

...

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Remember, you can't spell Who Cares without HR

Jimbuna

01-13-22, 11:50 AM

A penguin is on vacation, driving around the southwest, when his car breaks down. He gets out of the car, walks to the nearest pay phone, calls a tow truck and is towed to the nearest town car repair.

The mechanic tells the penguin that it will take about an hour to figure out what is wrong and write up an estimate, and recommends that he go for a walk around town.

This is the southwest, and the penguin gets quite warm while walking around -- he is originally from the South Pole you know. He decides to stop in the nearest store and get a vanilla ice cream cone.

The penguin starts to make his way back to the mechanic's shop, eating his ice cream; but the cone is a bit hard to manage because of his flippers and he gets ice cream all over himself.

He walks in to see the mechanic, who looks up at him and says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"No!" exclaims the penguin, "Its just ice cream, I swear!"

Jimbuna

01-15-22, 07:34 AM

A doctor was examining a young girl and told her she was pregnant. Not being married the girl wanted to abort the child. The doctor didn't want to kill the child and persuaded the girl that if she carried the baby to term, he would find someone to take the baby.

Time passed, the baby was born but nobody else was giving birth in the hospital that night. But the doctor was persistent and found that there was a Catholic priest who was having a gall bladder operation! That morning the doctor visited the priest and said that there'd been a miracle. We opened you up and what did we find - a beautiful baby girl.

Priest was a little disconcerted but believed that God moved in mysterious ways! Took the girl home and raised it as part of the household. Fifteen years pass and the priest is deathly sick. He decides to clear his conscience and calls the girl to his bedside. Daughter he says, I have confession to make. I'm not really your father. I'm your mother ... your father's the bishop!

Platapus

01-15-22, 11:39 AM

Mom, am I adopted?

No son, we have not been able to find someone to take you

Platapus

01-16-22, 07:24 AM

Genie in a bottle: I will grant you one wish. However there are three rules

1. No wishing someone dead
2. No wishing that someone will love you
3. No wishing for bringing back a dead person

What is your wish?

Me: I wish that envelopes would moan when you lick them

Genie: There are four rules...

Platapus

01-16-22, 03:03 PM

I wanted to put together a Hide and Seek team.

But I just could not find any good players.

Jimbuna

01-17-22, 08:55 AM

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says : 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks : 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.', She replied.
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that'.... she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl !!!

Jimbuna

01-17-22, 08:58 AM

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Jimbuna

01-18-22, 02:49 PM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking DogFor Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he talks a load of crap. He's never been out of the backyard'

Jimbuna

01-19-22, 12:05 PM

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.

The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, you jerk, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Platapus

01-19-22, 04:39 PM

I had to quit my job at the Fire Hydrant factory.

I could never find a place to park

Jimbuna

01-20-22, 10:27 AM

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try to stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Platapus

01-20-22, 04:32 PM

Last night I was standing in front of my mirror admiring my six-pack.

When I was finished, I put it back in the fridge.

Platapus

01-21-22, 04:42 PM

What is the fastest liquid in the world?

Milk

It is pasteurized before you even see it.

Jimbuna

01-22-22, 10:17 AM

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Jimbuna

01-22-22, 10:23 AM

An avid hiker was trekking through the rural areas of the Southern US on a 3 month excursion, carrying his most basic necessities in a backpack and sleeping most nights under the open skies.

One evening, as he was passing a farm, it began to rain. The skies were dark and he knew he’d be in for a cold and wet night sleeping outdoors, so he decided to make his way to the farmhouse and ask for accommodations for the night.

He knocked on the farmer’s door and asked,

Hiker: “Hello, sir. I am hiking across the state and usually I sleep outside, but with the rain coming down, I wonder if I might be able to sleep in your barn tonight? In return, I have a gift for understanding animals and I will speak to yours and learn what they need to be more productive for your farm.”

Farmer: “You say you can talk to the animals, huh? Well, I don’t see the harm in that, so help yourself and have a good night.”

As promised the hiker spent a dry night in the farmer’s barn, chatting to the animals and learning all about their life on the farm. The next morning, the farmer came to the barn to check on his guest.

Farmer: “So, how did it go last night? Talk to the animals?”

Hiker: “Yes, sir. First, I spoke to the cows and they said that you milk them every day and it makes their udders sore. They said if you tried milking them every other day, they would be less stressed and give you more milk.”

Farmer: “You don’t say! I thought they weren’t giving enough milk and now I know why!”

Hiker: “Then, I talked to the chickens. They said that every day you take all of their eggs and it stresses them. They said they could give more eggs if you just took them every other day instead.”

Farmer: “Thanks! I’ll try that!”

Hiker: “Finally, I talked to the sheep and___”

Farmer: “DON’T LISTEN TO THE SHEEP, THEY’RE LIARS!!!”

Platapus

01-22-22, 08:58 PM

If Tomato Paste is slippery and Peanut Butter is sticky,
Why is it not called Tomato Butter and Peanut Paste?

Jimbuna

01-23-22, 12:35 PM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Jimbuna

01-26-22, 11:09 AM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today...!

Jimbuna

01-27-22, 07:31 AM

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out... How do you know they're having sex?

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Jimbuna

01-27-22, 07:35 AM

There was a foreigner who just arrived in America. His English was ok, but not the best. One day, he was driving a car when his car crashed into another car. The foreigner said to the American in the car, “I'm sorry”. The American then said “I'm sorry too”. The foreigner then replied “I'm sorry three. The American, now a bit confused, said “what are you sorry for”. The foreigner then said “I'm sorry five”.

Eichhörnchen

01-27-22, 11:11 AM

Sad news of the passing of this UK comic legend... here's a favourite joke:-

A woman sees a parrot on sale in a pet shop for just £5 and she asks the owner why the very low price?

"Well I have to be honest", he replies, "He was brought up in a brothel and his language is pretty ripe"

"Well I'll take him all the same", she says

Once home she removes the cover from the cage and the parrot looks around and says "New place.... nice!"

Later her two daughters return home from college

The parrot says "New girls.... nice!"

Then later her husband comes in and the parrot says "Hello, Keith"

Commander Wallace

01-27-22, 12:11 PM

Jimbuna

01-28-22, 09:25 AM

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.
The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs."

Jimbuna

01-29-22, 02:41 PM

A group of select staff and guests at the University of Rwanda, College of Science and Technology are gathered for the maiden flight of a plane recently acquired by the university.

Just as everyone is ready in their seats, a beaming flight attendant grabs a microphone and announces: “Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to the maiden flight of this aircraft which, let it be known, was built by our very own students…”

No sooner had she finished her speech than everyone rushed out of the plane screaming, “God save our lives!”.

Amid all this hassle, one man had remained seated, seemingly untroubled by the events going on around him. Curious to know why, a couple guys come back into the plane to check on him. “Why are you so calm now? Haven’t you heard?”, they ask.

In a poised, soft voice, the man answers, “Don’t worry, gentlemen. If this plane is indeed the work of my students as that woman has claimed, I’m sure this crap won’t even start, never mind lifting off the ground”.

He was the professor of Engineering.

Jimbuna

01-30-22, 02:56 PM

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

(Get your Japanese accent ready...)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Jimbuna

01-31-22, 01:47 PM

An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.

"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."

A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife a meal," he insists.

"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."

Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"

The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

Jimbuna

02-01-22, 01:27 PM

Interviewer: There are 500 bricks on a plane.
You drop one outside. How many are left?
Applicant: That's easy, 499

Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge.
Put the elephant in.
Close the fridge.

Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge.
Take the elephant out.
Put the deer in.
Close the fridge.

Interviewer: It's lion's birthday,
all the animals are there except one, why?
Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge.

Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Applicant: She just crosses it
because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.

Interviewer: Last question.
In the end the old lady still died, Why?

Applicant: Err....I guess she drowned?
Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.

Jimbuna

02-01-22, 01:29 PM

Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," . "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," Rob said.

Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!"

FORGET THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER. There is always another way to solve a problem.

Jimbuna

02-02-22, 09:33 AM

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the front doorstep...

Aktungbby

02-02-22, 11:55 AM

NickSaggy!:Kaleun_Salute:

Platapus

02-02-22, 05:20 PM

Doctor asks a woman about why she has so many children

"Doctor, I get pregnant because of my deafness"

"How can your hearing loss cause you to get pregnant?

"Well, Doctor, when my husband gets in to bed with me, he asks, with a glint in his eye, 'so, do you want to sleep or what?"

Because of my hearing loss I often reply 'what?'"

Jimbuna

02-03-22, 09:55 AM

A young woman goes to Doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes drunk, he beats me senseless”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just drink some water and hold it in your mouth. Hold it in, but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I kept a mouthful of water and held it till he slept. And he didn’t touch me.”

Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps”

Platapus

02-04-22, 05:50 PM

What do you call Darth Vader when he is very afraid?

Panikin Skywalker

Eisenwurst

02-05-22, 12:01 AM

Do Fremen have wet dreams???

Platapus

02-05-22, 06:28 AM

Doctors have just discovered the Peek-a-Boo virus
They are sending the afflicted to the ICU

Jimbuna

02-06-22, 11:24 AM

A train was famous for its late arrival. There wasn't a single day when the train reached on time. So, the general public became accustomed to these situations..

One day, out of the blue, the train arrived the station at the exact scheduled time. The public went mad on seeing this and beat the crap out of the driver..

The driver gasping for his breath, shouts admist the crowd “ Get away from me, you idiots! Its yesterday's train”….

Platapus

02-06-22, 02:39 PM

My friend and I were going to the store to pick up our new prescription glasses.

My wife asked "what will you guys do after that?"

"We'll see"

magic452

02-07-22, 01:14 AM

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon.

She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing.
Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house...and left it there all night.

Magic

Platapus

02-07-22, 07:18 AM

I was going through a bad time

A friend of mine was trying, albeit awkwardly trying to make me feel better

He said " It could be worse. You could be stuck..uh.. in some sort of deep hole of with water or stuff"

I knew he meant well.

Jimbuna

02-07-22, 10:46 AM

A man invites a co-worker to eat dinner at his house, so they leave the office and drive there. When he gets home his wife starts yelling while the man and his co-worker seat comfortably in the living room.

"I don't have any make up on, and still haven't brushed my hair, the house is a total mess, I haven't washed the dishes, I am still wearing my pajamas, and I haven't made dinner. Why the hell did you bring a friend home tonight? "

The husband replied calmly " Because he is thinking of getting married!"

Platapus

02-07-22, 11:18 AM

My Grandfather told me "when one door closes, another one opens"

He was a great man, but a lousy cabinetmaker.

Jimbuna

02-07-22, 02:07 PM

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
“Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days.
I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better,
we’re going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said:
“Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they’re going to put you to sleep!”
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: -
“Come on buddy, get up or else you’re going to die! Come on, I’ll help you get up.
Let’s go ! One, two, three…
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:
“Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise,
the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said:
“Listen pal, it’s now or never!
Get up, come on ! Have courage!
Come on! Get up! Get up!
That’s it, slowly!
Great! Come on, one, two, three…
Good, good.
Now faster, come on……
Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes!
You did it, you’re a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting…
It’s a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party.
Let’s Cook the goat!!!!

Platapus

02-07-22, 03:44 PM

How did the Vikings communicate over long distance?

Norse Code

Jimbuna

02-08-22, 10:07 AM

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.
The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

P.S. No offence intended

Platapus

02-08-22, 10:24 AM

A perfectionist walked into a bar.
I guess it wasn't set high enough.

Jimbuna

02-08-22, 11:13 AM

A red hair Viking named Rudolph goes to his window and says " tonight it will rain"
His wife then asks how can he be sure?
He replies " because Rudolph the Red knows rain dear. "

Platapus

02-08-22, 11:31 AM

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

Jimbuna

02-08-22, 01:07 PM

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: "Denise."

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs "Denephew."

Platapus

02-08-22, 01:16 PM

A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage.

He lost his case.

Jimbuna

02-08-22, 01:26 PM

There are three types of people in the world.

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Jeff-Groves

02-08-22, 01:52 PM

A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that you already kicked them in the nut sack.

Jimbuna

02-09-22, 12:53 PM

A famous magician does a wonderful trick during a performance. A man in the audience yells out "How did you do that?" The magician warns him "I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you."
The man thinks about it and then replies "Could you tell my wife?

Platapus

02-09-22, 04:54 PM

After 25 years together my wife and I still can find interesting things to talk about.

Not with each other, of course.

Jimbuna

02-10-22, 11:28 AM

Two men are staring at a pole. After a while a blonde woman walks up to them and asks them what they are looking at.

One of them says, " We are trying to determine the height of the pole." So the blonde woman quickly opens her purse, removes a spanner, unscrews the bolts and lays the pole flat on the ground. She then pulls out a measuring tape, measures the distance between the two ends, tells the value to the two men and walks away.

After hearing this one man tells the other, "What an idiot! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Platapus

02-10-22, 04:41 PM

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

Then I turned myself around.

Platapus

02-11-22, 04:42 PM

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.:D

Jeff-Groves

02-12-22, 10:53 AM

Found an old record in a second hand shop that said Sounds Wasps Make.
Bought it and took it home, put it on the record player and thought, that does not sound like a wasp.
:hmmm:

Then I realized I was playing the B side.

Jimbuna

02-13-22, 05:52 AM

Husband is throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even a single one is hitting the target

From another room the wife called the husband: Honey what are you doing?

Husband: MISSING YOU...

Jimbuna

02-14-22, 02:48 PM

Man on phone: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!"

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?

He said "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my blue silk pyjamas?"

She says, "I did.....They're in your fishing box "

Platapus

02-16-22, 04:49 PM

Husband talking to his wife

"You are the only one in my life"

"Awww that's so sweet of you to say"

"Yes, all the others are sixes and sevens"

Jimbuna

02-17-22, 09:59 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says he man
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

magic452

02-18-22, 03:12 AM

A guy buys a chicken then decides to go to the movies so he shoves the chicken down his pants, buys a ticket and sits next to a couple of ladies. Halfway through the movie one lady says to the other "This guy's pants are unzipped!". Other one says "Who cares. If you've seen one you've seen them all". The first one says "Yes, but this one's eating my popcorn!".

Magic

Jimbuna

02-18-22, 05:49 AM

A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he begins composing a mental list all the things he will never be able to enjoy again.... wine...women...song... By far the most painful thing to accept is that he will never have sex with a woman again.
One day, sitting at the fire beside the little dog, the man's eyes widen abruptly and he looks up the side of the mountain at the herd of sheep. Why, yes, why not? Who would ever know?
He goes up the mountain, picks out a particularly docile looking ewe, walks up behind her and lowers his trousers. Just as he does so the Chihuahua begins yapping frantically, dancing around him, and nipping at his ankles. Nothing he does or says will make the dog stop. After several minutes of trying to quiet the Chihuahua he gives up on the ewe. The mood is spoiled.
He tries again, multiple times over the next few weeks and months, but it's always the same. The Chihuahua is always underfoot, driving him to distraction. Eventually he abandons the idea entirely.
One day, out on the horizon, he sees a ship going down--same reef that doomed his ship. He watches it sink, there's nothing he can do. The next day while walking the beach searching through the debris that is washing up he discovers a woman, half in/half out of the water, barely alive.
She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen!
He quickly clears the sand and seaweed from her mouth and restores her breathing. He carries her back to his camp and nurses her carefully.
She is unconscious for several days. When at last she is awake and able to speak she looks him over and says," I am so grateful for all you have done for me...you saved my life...I don't know if I can ever repay you, but I want you to know that I will do anything to try...and I do mean anything..."
The man thinks for a moment, then his eyes widen abruptly, and he asks," Would you mind babysitting this Chihuahua for about 5 minutes?"

Platapus

02-18-22, 01:35 PM

If pessimism were an Olympic event

I probably wouldn't win.

Jimbuna

02-19-22, 01:02 PM

A pirate walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender is amazed by this, seeing an actual pirate. So he asks;
"Is that a real hook on your hand?"
"Aye, I were in a duel with me ol' nemesis, and lost me hand in the struggle."
The bartender is shocked, and continues by asking;
"Is that a real pegleg?"
"Aye, tis. I was out at sea, 'nd our ship were fired upon. Lost me leg in the crossfire."
The bartender couldnt believe it! A real pirate! So he asks him;
"How about your eyepatch? How did you get that?"
"Arr, I was just getting to shore, when a seagull pooped in me eye."
"And you lost your eye from that?"
"No, I just still wasn't used to the hook."

magic452

02-20-22, 01:56 AM

An attractive blonde decides that she is going to Hollywood to become a star. She buys an economy class ticket for a flight to Los Angeles and after the plane is airborne she notices an empty seat in first class. She gets up from her seat and walks into first class and sits down. A Flight Attendant tells her she can't sit in a seat she didn't book. The woman replies, "I'm staying here because I'm blonde, beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles." The Attendant can't get her to go back to her original seat so she goes into the cockpit and describes the problem. The Co-pilot says that he will talk to her but after much discussion the woman keeps saying, "I'm staying here because I'm blonde, beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles." The Co-pilot goes back to the cockpit and tells the Captain they will need the police when the flight arrives in Los Angeles. The Captain says, "My ex-wife is blonde and I can speak to this blonde in a way she understands. He goes to the woman's seat, leans over and whispers in her ear. The blonde says, "Oh, I didn't know that. Thank you." She gets up and walks back to her economy class seat. The other two crew members are amazed and want to know what the Captain said. "I told her that the first class section isn't going to Los Angeles." he replied.

Magic

Jimbuna

02-20-22, 09:56 AM

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

Platapus

02-20-22, 11:55 AM

Me as a kid: "Mom, why did dad leave the two of us?"

My mom: "We tossed a coin and I lost."

Jimbuna

02-20-22, 12:22 PM

A man is walking on the beach and he finds a lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and to his amazement a Genie appears.

“You have released me of my prison and I shall reward you with three wishes,” the Genie says.

“Any caveats?” The man asks.

“Yes,” the Genie says. “Any request you make I will reward twice as much to every terrorist on Earth. So be careful what you wish for.”

The man thinks for a second then says, “Ok.”

The Genie looks shocked. “What is your first wish?”

“I want to be financially secure for the rest of my life,” he says. “I wish I could win the lottery the first week it is over 100 million.”

“No problem. Your wish is granted. Do not forget to play the lottery when it is over 100 million,” the Genie says. “Remember, all of the terrorist of the world will be rewarded with a winning lottery of 200 million. I don't know why you did not just wish for 100 million.”

Yeah, yeah. Next I would like to be happy,” the man says. “I wish to have peace of mind and happiness for the rest of my life.”

“The wish is granted,” the Genie says. “The terrorists of the world will be twice as happy about that wish. Your final wish?”

“I wish you would beat me half to death,” he answered.

Catfish

02-21-22, 05:12 AM

I asked my german friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

Jimbuna

02-21-22, 10:31 AM

A man sees a gorilla in his backyard tree. He calls animal control and an officer arrives equipped with a stick, handcuffs, a German Shepherd and a shotgun.

He says "I'll climb up there with this stick and knock him out of the tree. When he hits the ground, Brutus here will go for his nuts and when he tries to protect them, you slap on the handcuffs."

The homeowner agrees but when the officer is halfway up the tree he hollers after him "Hey, wait a second, what's this shotgun for?

The officer replies "Oh, right. If I fall out of the tree, shoot Brutus. "

Platapus

02-21-22, 05:12 PM

Breaking News: Someone stole the pillows from the police station

Police vow that they won't rest until they are recovered

Jeff-Groves

02-22-22, 10:29 AM

I'm gonna start a New Buddhist Restaurant.
I'm gonna name it Karma.
There will be no menu.
You'll get what you deserve!

Jimbuna

02-22-22, 01:34 PM

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government
only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Platapus

02-22-22, 04:50 PM

Breaking news: Someone has been stealing the wheels off of police cars

Police are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

Jimbuna

02-23-22, 06:51 AM

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes????

'The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.!!!”

Platapus

02-23-22, 05:51 PM

A man was arrested for illegally downloading all of Wikipedia
As the police were handcuffing him, he said, "wait, I can explain everything!"

Jimbuna

02-24-22, 03:15 PM

Grandma in Court!
In a trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Platapus

02-24-22, 05:08 PM

The police arrested the tongue-twister champion of the world
The judge is sure to give him a hard sentence

Jimbuna

02-25-22, 10:55 AM

Platapus

02-26-22, 06:50 AM

The police arrested a road worker for theft
When they got to his house, all the signs where there.

Commander Wallace

02-26-22, 10:41 AM

A man got this message frm his neighbour: "Sir, I am so sorry but I have dis confession to make. I have been sharing ur wife with u behind ur back... day and night and mostly when u r not in town.. I have used ur wife in my kitchen, bedroom, parlour and also in ur own apartment and at times right under ur nose..i have to also admit I have used ur wife more than u do. I feel I should let u knw cos I feel so guilty. I promise never to do it again".. the man was so mad that he shot his wife dead!

Few minutes later he received another msg from the same neighbour stating " so sorry for d mistake in spellings...I meant to write WIFI and not WIFE........

:haha:Along the same lines.

A mobster puts out a contract on someone who is causing him problems. No one in his outfit wants the job so it calls to an underling named Artie who isn't too bright. They tell Artie they will pay him a dollar to rub out the guy.

They send Artie out and he finds a guy and chokes him dead. His boss later says that was the wrong guy and again, Artie goes out and Chokes another only to discover that again, it was the wrong guy.

They next drive Artie to where the guy is and again, Artie Chokes him and gets his dollar.

The next day, Artie is reading the paper and falls over thinking he has been discovered. Artie reads: Artichokes-3 for a dollar in the produce section.

Jimbuna

02-26-22, 02:45 PM

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates of Heaven, Saint Peter looks him up on the list and tells him "You are in the wrong place"

The engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the comfort level in Hell, and implements massive changes. Soon there are Japanese style intelligence toilets, air conditioning, auto massager and other wonderful improvements. He also teaches and establishes scientific academic movements that inspire every one there.

One day God calls down to find out how hellish it is down there.

Satan goes on and on endlessly about the fantastic gadgets and tech wonders "There's just no telling what he's going to come up with next! We're all excited to work together on the projects, just to enjoy eternity all the more."

God tells Satan 'There was a huge mistake, he never should have been sent to you. Send him back up here, immediately"

Satan refuses "Are you kidding? He's the best thing here ever. I want him on staff"

God says "Send him back, or I'll sue!"

Satan replies "Yeah, right. Just where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Platapus

02-27-22, 07:17 AM

Police are continuing to investigate the theft of frozen meat, despite it being a cold case

Jimbuna

02-27-22, 07:25 AM

Three ill men go to doctor. One is alcoholic, one is a chain-smoker and the other is gay.

The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.

So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees the bar and hears its loud music and can’t resist. He orders a shot of whisky, drinks it and suddenly drops down dead. The other two men walk outside realising how serious this is.

But then the chain smoker sees a half a cigarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the smoker, “ If you bend over to pick that up, we are both dead”

Platapus

02-27-22, 12:55 PM

Breaking News: The police are chasing an arsonist and are in hot pursuit

Jimbuna

02-27-22, 02:03 PM

Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
A: Dinner is on me.

Catfish

02-27-22, 03:59 PM

Who cares if 85 percent of Americans don't know where Ukraine's borders are on a map?
Neither does Putin.
(Stephen Colbert in 2014)

Jimbuna

02-28-22, 10:49 AM

Two friends meet, both native Russian speakers – as is everyone in this region – but one speaks Russian, and the other insists on speaking Ukrainian.

Why are you speaking Ukrainian? asks one friend. Are you afraid Ukrainian nationalists will come and kill you?

No, comes the reply. I'm afraid if Putin hears me speaking Russian, he will come to 'protect' my rights!

Jimbuna

02-28-22, 10:51 AM

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.

The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"

The Russian answers, "Boris."

The border guard asks, "Occupation?"

The Russian says, "No, just visiting."

Platapus

02-28-22, 05:08 PM

I, for one, like Roman Numbers

Jimbuna

03-01-22, 10:13 AM

Q: What are the strongest days of the week?
A: Saturday and Sunday. All the others are week days.

Catfish

03-02-22, 10:29 AM

Putin visits a school, speaks about patriotism and glorious achievements of the russian people.
After this the kids are allowed to ask questions.

Igor raises his hand "I have two questions if i may.
1. Why did you attack the Ukraine?
2. Why do you want to invade it?"

"Good questions", Putin lauds.
Then the school bell rings, and all the kids rush out of the room for the pause.
After the pause Putin continues the talk:
"Do you have more questions?"

Sascha raises his hand:
"My name is Sascha and I also have two questions:
1. Why did the school bell ring 20 minutes early and
2. Where is Igor?"

Jimbuna

03-02-22, 01:44 PM

Q: What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
A: “Oops!”

Platapus

03-02-22, 04:01 PM

A Roman citizen walks into a bar and holds up two fingers

"Five beers, please"

Jimbuna

03-03-22, 09:01 AM

Q: How did one tectonic plate apologize to the other?
A: “My fault.”

Platapus

03-03-22, 06:05 PM

Two guys walk into a bar

One, jokingly says, "I'll have H2O"

The second says "I'll have H2O Too"

The second guy died.

magic452

03-04-22, 01:32 AM

After about 10 years, a mother starts to notice her child doesn’t look much like the rest of the family. Curious, she orders a DNA test. She is shocked to find their child isn’t their biological offspring.

When she goes to ask her husband what he thinks could have happened… he looks at her and says, “You don’t remember, do you?”

“When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped. You told me to go back inside and change it. So I left the dirty one there and grabbed a new clean one!”

Magic

Jimbuna

03-05-22, 08:35 AM

Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?
A: You put a boogie in it.

Jimbuna

03-07-22, 11:55 AM

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Jimbuna

03-07-22, 02:29 PM

Q: What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his work.

Jimbuna

03-08-22, 08:51 AM

Q: What did batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
A: “Robin, get in the car.”

Jimbuna

03-09-22, 12:04 PM

Q: What washes up on really small beaches?
A: Micro-waves.

Platapus

03-09-22, 04:10 PM

I told my doctor. "Doctor, I think I broke my arm in two places."

She told me to avoid going to those places in the future. :shifty:

Jimbuna

03-10-22, 03:55 AM

Q: What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
A: Their crews were marooned.

Platapus

03-10-22, 04:24 PM

I asked this cute woman to join me at the gym, but she did not show up
I don't thing the two of us are going to work out.

Eisenwurst

03-11-22, 03:58 AM

What's the definition of a Russian String Quartet?

A Russian orchestra back from a tour of the US.

Jimbuna

03-11-22, 09:16 AM

Q. What rock group has four members but doesn’t make a sound?
A: Mt. Rushmore.

Platapus

03-11-22, 04:46 PM

A man was convicted of stealing a calendar

He got 12 months

Jimbuna

03-12-22, 06:31 AM

I met a cartographer who was also a spider.
A: He made web-based maps.

Jeff-Groves

03-12-22, 02:56 PM

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

Jeff-Groves

03-12-22, 03:03 PM

Wife got really mad at me today.
I was recreating a Pink Floyd Album Cover with my cereal.
I planned on calling it 'The Dark Side of the Spoon'.

Commander Wallace

03-12-22, 03:13 PM

^ :haha:

Jimbuna

03-13-22, 11:47 AM

My friend is an expert reading maps.
A: He’s a legend.

Jimbuna

03-14-22, 01:55 PM

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

magic452

03-15-22, 01:54 AM

A forty something woman is driving with her overly inquisitive teen age daughter and the girl asks her mom, "Why did you and dad get divorced?" The mom reprimands her and says "That's the kind of personal question that you don't ask people. If someone wants to tell you that, they will do so without being asked. Also, you don't ask questions about people's weight or age, it's just not polite."

The daughter, being a teenager tells her friend about the conversation. The friend tells the girl, "Sneak a look at your mom's driver's license and you will learn all of that information." The daughter does that and using the information off the license confronts her mother and says, "Mom you're 44 years old, weigh 137 pounds and the reason you're divorced is that you got an F in Sex."

Magic

Jimbuna

03-15-22, 12:50 PM

Q: Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
A: Because he is always lion.

Catfish

03-15-22, 03:36 PM

Putin suddenly dies and goes straight to hell.
However since he behaves and conducts well according to hell's standards he is allowed a leave for a day.
So Putin goes to Moscow, visits a bar and orders a Vodka-Shot. He asks the waiter how things are going on earth.
"Is the Krim ours? "
"It is ours." says the waiter.
Putin: "And Donbas and Kyev?"
Waiter: "Ours."
Putin: "Perfect. How much is it?"
Waiter: "5 Euros."

Jimbuna

03-16-22, 10:44 AM

Q: Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
A: She’s going to have her baby in the spring.

Platapus

03-16-22, 04:06 PM

I had to end my relationship with a tennis player

Evidently love meant nothing to her.

Jimbuna

03-17-22, 09:42 AM

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don’t like fast food.

Jimbuna

03-20-22, 02:43 PM

I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night!

Jimbuna

03-21-22, 02:15 PM

My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.

Jimbuna

03-22-22, 02:15 PM

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.

Commander Wallace

03-23-22, 07:51 AM

A man visit's a local brothel only to discover he can have the company of a few beautiful ladies there for the night. He enjoys their company and in the morning is told there is only a $ 5 dollar charge. The man happily pays his bill and leaves on his way.

The next week, he comes back and enjoys the company of the same ladies there for the evening. The next morning, he comes down and is presented a bill for $ 1500.00 dollars.

The customer angrily confronts the manager and asks why the bill for services rendered is so high this week when last week the services were cheap.

The manager looks in his book and say's oh, I understand, you were here on Wednesday. He further explains that on the first Wednesday of every month, the activities of it's patron's are live streamed to the premium cable channels for viewing.

Jimbuna

03-23-22, 11:03 AM

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

Jimbuna

03-24-22, 01:24 PM

Before the invention of the wheel… everything was a drag!

Jimbuna

03-28-22, 01:57 PM

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!

Platapus

03-28-22, 03:24 PM

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

I got caught taking days off. :oops:

Jimbuna

03-29-22, 06:07 AM

I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

magic452

03-30-22, 12:42 AM

You might not know this.🤔..but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere....you have to light a fire under their ***.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male.. Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying

Magic

Jimbuna

03-30-22, 06:56 AM

When's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!

Jimbuna

03-31-22, 12:03 PM

What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!

magic452

04-01-22, 01:00 AM

Little Ole came walking up the path to the schoolhouse at about noon one day.
The teacher saw him coming and hollered "Ole Olson! Where have you been all morning?"
Ole replied "I had to take our registered bull over to the neighbors place to service one of his cows."
"Well, couldn't your father have done that?"
"I suppose so, but he ain't registered."

Magic

Jimbuna

04-02-22, 11:08 AM

Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

Jimbuna

04-03-22, 01:24 PM

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

Jimbuna

04-04-22, 09:07 AM

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

magic452

04-05-22, 12:26 AM

A man is laying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth when a nurse comes in to give him a sponge bath. He asks her something which she doesn't understand due to the mask. He speaks louder and she hears him say, "Are my testicles black?" The nurse tells him she can't answer that because she is only to give him the sponge bath. She again hears him say to her, "I have to know if my testicles are black." Again the nurse won't answer the question. He keeps repeating the question and she gets frustrated and finally lifts up his hospital gown and begins to check his testicles. The man sits up in bed, rips off the oxygen mask and yells, "What are you doing, I just want to know if my test results are back!"

Magic