The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I tried cooking with wine for the 1st time last night. After 5 glasses I can’t remember what happened and I woke up on the kitchen floor with an empty bottle.

[Jimbuna]

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it…
My illegal logging business is a great success.

[Jimbuna]

After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution…

1920 x 1080

[Catfish]

When i was a child, my mother sent me to the grocery with one Euro.
I came back with 7 potatoes, 8 eggs, a pound of butter, a pound of flour, 3 bottles of beer and 2 sausages. Not possible anymore! Those cameras are everywhere.

[Platapus]

I gave my wife a diamond bracelet and she has not spoken to me since.

Well that was the agreement after all.

[Jimbuna]

I slept like a log last night…. Woke up in a forest covered with ants.

[Platapus]

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

[Platapus]

A priest was sitting in his church when this drunk comes stumbling in.... bumping into stuff and ends up crashing into one of the confessional cubicals.

The priest surmises that this person is in need of spiritual guidance, so he enters his cubical.

After a few moments of silence, the priest asks "Can I be of some assistance?"

To which the drunk replies "I don't know, do you have any paper on your side?"

[Jimbuna]

I saw a sign today day telling please keep off the grass. I wonder how it got there?

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/fZRSx65.jpg

[Jimbuna]

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

[Platapus]

Joesph thinking about Mary

I did not have sex with her

She gets pregnant

Three strange men come over and bring gifts when the baby is born

Claims that it's the son of god.

Seems legit. :up:

[Jimbuna]

Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me.

[Platapus]

After my recent prostate exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question.

She said...."Who was that guy?"

:o

[Jimbuna]

My psychiatrist says I have a fear of speed bumps but now I’m slowly beginning to get over it.

[Platapus]

Not so much a joke, but a humourous look at growing older

My name is Sally and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his diploma on the wall.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome young man with the same name, who
had been in my secondary school class forty something years before. Could
he be the same person who I had had a secret crush on all those years
ago? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly forgot any such thought. This
balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to
have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Range Court
school.

"Yes, yes, I did," he said with pride.

"When did you leave to go to university?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1972. Why do you ask?"

"I think you were in my class at school" I replied.

He looked at me very closely. Then that bald, wrinkled, decrepit old
man, said, "I'm sorry, I don't remember you. What did you teach?"

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/ZJilZjS.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Went shopping last week to try and find some camouflage trousers, couldn’t find any.

[Platapus]

A man is seeking to join the Police department.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot

One Unarmed Teenage Black man
One Diabetic having an emergency
One Mentally Ill man who does not understand English
and one Rabbit. "

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Jimbuna]

Just invented an invisibility cloak. Everything you cover becomes invisible.
Unfortunately you can still see the cloak itself so further work is needed.

[Jimbuna]

Got some extra sensitive toothpaste the other day. It gets really jealous if I use other toothpastes.

[Jimbuna]

I almost died today because of my stupid doctor. He told me I should get off the bus one stop early to get some exercise. I ended up walking 50 miles after catching the Megabus.

[Jimbuna]

Once I saved a girl from a fire-breathing dragon and all she could say was “You need to fix your drug problem”.

[Platapus]

For 25 years, my wife and I were the happiest two people in the world. Then we met.

[Jimbuna]

Twenty years ago I used to feel like I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body but then I finally decided to come out of my mum and I was born.

[Jimbuna]

What’s green and Invisible?


This cucumber.

[Platapus]

Dog 911 Operator : This is dog 911. What is your emergency?

Dog: It's my ball! It rolled under the couch!

Dog 911 Operator: Keep calm. Have you tried barking at it?

Dog: Yes, but it is still stuck under there!

Dog 911 Operator: OMG!

Dog: OMG! OMG!

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how long my Iphone is taking to charge. It’s been soaking in Apple Juice for about 8 hours now but still nothing is coming up on the screen.

[Jimbuna]

Im selling my roof for free… I guess you can say its on the house!

[Jimbuna]

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile walk into McDonalds and interrupt a half-naked man eating a burger. The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, “We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of a hallucinogenic nature, Sir.”

[Jimbuna]

Got a new job today following in my fathers footsteps… I’ve become a minesweeper.

[Jimbuna]

We only have 2 minutes left before we die… but every time you breath it resets the clock.

[Jimbuna]

Spent the whole of last night sitting in bed thinking about the sun and where it comes from …. and then it dawned on me.

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never forget my first week as a detective, it was terrifying. I kept seeing ghosts at every crime scene but then I found out they actually use white blankets to cover the dead.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the wheat farmer who got arrested by the police? Apparently for being a cereal killer.

[Catfish]

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

[Jimbuna]

Bond films to last 30% longer with scenes of his passport being more heavily scrutinised between exotic European locales.

[Catfish]

^ i see you found the site ;)

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/Ritr7F9.jpg

[Jimbuna]

What if Peter Pan and the lost boys are actually the wondering souls of abortions?

That would explain Captain Hook.

[Jimbuna]

Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident but I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/zW0wpLC.jpg

[Catfish]

How about that Brexit, huh? I’ve haven’t seen so many Brits pull out since Madonna was dating.

[Catfish]

https://i.imgur.com/jmO680e.jpg

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/aYwdTPV.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A pizza is like a pie chart that shows you how much pizza you have left. This is why a lot of mathematicians work at Pizza Hut.

[mikesn9]

This Holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

The Office Christmas Party is a great way to catch up with people you haven't seen in 20 minutes.

And a good 'story':

At 2 AM the police stop an old man in questionable condition.
"What are doing out so late?" asked the police officer.
"I'm going to a seminar on the harmful effects of alcohol" replied the old man.
"Right!" Says the officer sarcastically. "Who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?"
The man cried: "My Wife!"

[Jimbuna]

Don’t you just hate it when your clothes mysteriously vanish and you get arrested for being half-naked in public. That’s the last time I ever wear Bermuda shorts again.

[Jimbuna]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

[Jimbuna]

If a child can read then doesn’t that make every book a child’s book?

[Jeff-Groves]

I was driving back from Michigan the other night and saw a hitch hiker on the road.
Being the kind of Guy I am? I stopped to pick him up.

As we started down the lonely back road he commented with a chuckle,
"It was nice of you to stop. But how do you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I could only tell him............

"The odds of 2 serial killers meeting like this on a back road is astronomical!"

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she took her pants to the dry cleaners they said “sorry we don’t do curtains”

[Catfish]

^ right back to the school yard :)


And god promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then he made the world round, and laughed and laughed and laughed..

[magic452]

Can you imagine the Nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! (I know I couldn't!)

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY



Magic

[Jimbuna]

My wife is so fat when she wants her photo taken she has to call Google Earth.

[Jimbuna]

I wouldn't say my girlfriend is overweight but when she goes out walking in high heels she comes home in flip-flops.

[Jimbuna]

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

[Jimbuna]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Eichhörnchen]

Hey, here's one I just made up...

I have to be careful what I say... my teeth are very sensitive

[Catfish]

" [...] a bit like British people on tour talking to foreigners in that way of going ‘what we want, is we don’t want free movement but we want access to the single market’ and they’re going ‘well, you cannot have that’ and we’re going ‘no you don’t understand, WE WANT…” ad infinitum

[Catfish]

Hey, here's one I just made up...
I have to be careful what I say... my teeth are very sensitive


Not bad. But a squirrels teeth are.. "sensitive"?
(doing Schroeder's job :O:)

[Jimbuna]

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

[Jimbuna]

What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!

[Jeff-Groves]

My Step Son, who spent way to much time on the computer, and I had a talk about life.
I told him he needed to move out so he asked me why.
I explained he wanted to live in a 3D World and explained what a 3D World is.
There's the Door, There's the Driveway, and Don't come back.

[Jimbuna]

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay £855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

[Jimbuna]

A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!
' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'

[Jimbuna]

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

[Jimbuna]

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."
The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

[Jimbuna]

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

[Jimbuna]

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

[Rockstar]

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

"A rebel without a Claus".


Thank you, thank you, very much. :Kaleun_Applaud:

[Jimbuna]

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

[Jimbuna]

An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.

[Platapus]

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

You spend a lot of time thinking about Xs and trying to figure out the Ys.

[Jimbuna]

Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads.
As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road. I stopped, turned around and followed it.
After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard.
I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.” The old man said, “Yep.” So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.”
I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?” He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we never could catch one.”

[Jimbuna]

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.

[Catfish]

^ it's that time of the year .. :haha:








Usually i have bowel movement at 7 o'clock.
I get up at 9.
:oops:

[Jimbuna]

A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:

• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel

[Jimbuna]

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

[Jimbuna]

Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

[Jimbuna]

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

[Jimbuna]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/YQ4qtdI.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?"

The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

[Jimbuna]

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

[Jimbuna]

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and one to Miami.'
She said, 'We can't do that!'
I told her, 'You did it last week!'

[Platapus]

Happy wife, happy life

There is nothing that rhymes with Happy Husband
So welcome to marriage.

[Catfish]

^ So GOD created a garden, but he hated gardening.
So there was Adam.
And HE saw that Adam was happy.
The rest is history.

(Thanks to Dave Allen and Steed, who beat me to it :03:)

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/OBYjcc0.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, "Hey, that's neat. Where did you get that?"

The parrot says, "France—they've got millions of them there."

[Jimbuna]

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "You don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often."

The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

[Jimbuna]

So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any jobs?" and the bartender says, "Why don't you try the circus?" The dog replies, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

[Jimbuna]

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?"
"No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

[Jimbuna]

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

[Jimbuna]

When a neighbor's home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: "Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."

[Jimbuna]

A bilingual road sign in Wales caught bikers off guard. The English part read Cyclists Dismount. The Welsh: Llid Y Bledren Dymchwelyd, or "Bladder disease has returned." One theory for the mistake—instead of typing cyclist into an online translation program, someone typed cystitis.

[Eichhörnchen]

Some years ago I really did go into a secondhand book shop in Grantham and ask the owner if he had any magic books, or had they all disappeared? He looked at me like he'd heard it before

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/BW8UZTz.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where's my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.

Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: "Yeah, the service stinks!"

Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

[Jimbuna]

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Aktungbby]

https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/men-frankenstein-horror_story-horror_film-restrooms-male_egos-ttrn95_low.jpg (https://www.cartoonstock.com/cartoonview.asp?catref=ttrn95):arrgh!:

[Jimbuna]

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"

[Platapus]

My wife just came back from visiting her mother for two weeks
So you know what I am "getting" tonight. :up:

Yelled at.
I am going to be yelled at. :yep:

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/DcuGuoJ.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.

"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"

The cat replies, "Um, I'm a gnome."

[Jimbuna]

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," says the second owner.

"How do you know?"

"My dog told me."

[Jimbuna]

Max the little camel walks into his parents' room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. "Another one?" says his father. "That's the second glass this month."

[Jimbuna]

When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That's great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."

[Jimbuna]

A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes … she was a mess.

"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.

"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I'm going to be sick, I might as well have company."

[Jimbuna]

John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John's grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"

For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg on them and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear any more about it!"

Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"

[Platapus]

In Los Angeles today, a truck carrying salsa overturned on the freeway. Fortunately CHiPs were on-site to contain the spill.

[Jimbuna]

Whenever my family leaves the house, our Shetland sheepdog's animal instincts start to kick in.

He runs circles around us and nips at our heels to keep us all together.

Watching this display, my friend couldn't resist: "You always herd the ones you love."

[Jimbuna]

My law partner was presenting a no-fault divorce case to an Ohio domestic-relations court. The couple involved had no children, but they did have a dog, of whom both were very fond.

My partner stated that both parties agreed to share whatever medical expenses might be necessary for the care of the animal. They also agreed that the wife would have custody, but that the husband would be allowed visitation rights.

The judge, looking somewhat startled, peered down at the husband and asked, "Is this true?"

The husband replied, "Yes, Your Honor."

"Well," intoned the judge, with a trace of a smile on his face, "you should know that there is nothing this court can do for you if the dog refuses to see you."

[Jimbuna]

My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium of exotic fish, and a prized specimen had threatened to turn belly up. The off-duty officer called a pet store, and they advised him to immediately purchase a special additive that would correct the water’s pH.

Ray and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!”

[Jimbuna]

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.” I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

[Jimbuna]

I bought my sons a pet rabbit after they promised they would take care of it. As expected, I ended up with the responsibility. Exasperated, one evening I said, "How many times do you think that rabbit would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

"Once," my 12-year-old son replied.

[Platapus]

My doctor handed me a bottle of pills and told me

"You need to take one pill a day and you are going to be on this med for the rest of your life."

"But doctor, there are only 10 pills in the bottle."

".... yes"

:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.

“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

[Jimbuna]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Jimbuna]

My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home. Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would remain overnight. “Overnight?” I said. “My father-in-law came home the same day.” The vet looked at me and said, “Bo’s not on Medicare.”

[Jimbuna]

One of the highlights of the freshman biology class at New Mexico Highlands University was the monthly feeding of a caged rattlesnake kept in the laboratory. One time, the entire class gathered around the cage and, in complete silence, watched as the feeding took place.

"I'm jealous of the snake," the instructor said. "I never get the class's undivided attention like this."

A student answered matter-of-factly, "You would if you could swallow a mouse."

[Jimbuna]

A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark."

"You're crazy! He'll rip you limb from limb," the feeder said, laughing. "But, hey, if you're so brave, be my guest."

The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.

"I thought you could hypnotize him," sneered the feeder.

"I did," the hypnotist said, holding his arm. "Now he thinks he's an alligator."

[Jimbuna]

Each morning at 5:30, I take my Lhasa Apso, Maxwell, for a walk. He has the bad habit of picking up bits of paper or other trash along the way. When he does, I command him to “drop it,” and he usually complies.

One morning, though, he absolutely refused to drop a piece of litter. So I told him to “sit” and then approached him to see what his treasure was. It was a £20 note.

[Jimbuna]

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Christmas dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.” “Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”

[Platapus]

If tomatoes are considered a fruit
would ketchup be considered a smoothie?

[Jimbuna]

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

[Jimbuna]

My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet store to buy Slinky's dinner.

The worst part of this wasn't choosing the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you for giving me a home."

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff’s department canine division. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: “Veterinarian’s Office.”

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/d2IvhH2.jpg

[Catfish]

A man lying on the floor, a woman kneels and shouts:
"Help, we need a doctor!"
A man crossing the street answers "I am a doctor, what's up?"
Woman: "A heart attack!"
Man: "I am a doctor in gender studies!"
Woman: "He is going to die!"
Man: "He?"

[Jimbuna]

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

Perfect, my sister-in-law thought, and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/uQSEiGy.png

[Jimbuna]

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species. In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”

“Well, Your Honour,” the hiker replies, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

[Jimbuna]

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”

“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”

[Jimbuna]

I like hunting fossils, a hobby that isn’t exactly my wife’s favorite. On one excursion, I found the petrified bones of a squirrel-like mammal. When I brought them home and told my wife what they were, she squealed my excitement.

“I’ve heard of many a squirrel bringing a nut home,” she remarked, “but this is the first time I’ve heard of a nut bringing a squirrel home.”

[Jimbuna]

At the end of a visit to Amsterdam, a friend borrowed an old suitcase from his hosts to carry home his souvenirs. At the airport, however, a customs officer subjected our friend’s luggage to a thorough search and even sent for a drug-sniffing dog. Sure enough, the dog entered the area, headed straight for the borrowed bag and went into a frenzy. The customs officer now intensified his search, but ultimately he found nothing.

After arriving home, the young man immediately phoned his hosts and told them how puzzled he’d been by the dog’s behavior.

“Perhaps,” the owner of the suitcase said, “it was because that’s the bag our cat usually sleeps in.”

[Aktungbby]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Jimbuna]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=2585560&postcount=621

[Jimbuna]

Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my wife and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”

[Jimbuna]

According to the Internet: The inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”—until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.”

The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”

[Jimbuna]

I was editing classified ads for a small-town newspaper when a man called to place an ad. "It should read," he said, "‘Free to good home. Golden retriever. Will eat anything, loves children.’"

[Jimbuna]

The drive-up window at the bank where I’m a teller has an outside drawer to accept customer transactions. A woman once drove up with her dog in the front passenger seat, and the pet eagerly jumped over onto the driver’s lap when the car reached my window. He looked excited to see me.

“Your dog is so friendly!” I said to the owner.

“He thinks he’s at McDonald’s,” she replied.

[Jimbuna]

On a recent trip to the post office, I took a few minutes to read the notices posted on the public bulletin board in the lobby. One in particular caught my eye.

It read “Lost in post-office parking lot, small boa constrictor, family pet, will not attack. Reward.”

Below the notice someone had written, in what appeared to be very shaky handwriting: “Please, would you mind posting another notice when you find your boa? Thank you.”

[Jimbuna]

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

“We don’t do that anymore,” the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. “The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough.”

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?” she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

[Catfish]

"Hey ho, i am the effective wonder-fairey. You can wish for something, or let it be!"
"Umm, hmm.."
"Get going, don't waste my time!"
"I..i.. i wish that i never grow up."
"Really? Ok, alright!"
"Woot!!!"
boom

[Jimbuna]

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.

The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/38syYAr.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A client recently brought her two cats to my husband's veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. "They weigh about the same," I told her.

"That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat."

[Jimbuna]

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

[Jimbuna]

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"

[Jimbuna]

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

[Jimbuna]

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

[Jimbuna]

When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug.

The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one.

The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest.

It’s now the cheapskate’s turn: He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”

[Jimbuna]

A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."

[Jimbuna]

This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".

The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?

[Jimbuna]

One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.

They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."

Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."

[Jimbuna]

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"

[Jimbuna]

Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

[Jimbuna]

Thanks to autocorrect, onw in five children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.
Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening.
I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works.
I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.

[Jimbuna]

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

[Catfish]

From Twitter:
I know it's not very "politically correct" to say it out loud but in the wasteland of ruined post brexit Britain I am going to hunt and eat old people

[Jimbuna]

A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower- or uppercase?”

[Jimbuna]

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. I have to call everyone back.

~

Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.

Mom: WTF!

Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?

Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.

~

Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

[Jimbuna]

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

[Jimbuna]

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”

[Jimbuna]

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams.

[Jimbuna]

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.

“It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”

[Jimbuna]

I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

[Jimbuna]

The only people who don’t click Skip on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.

[Jimbuna]

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?
One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”

[Jimbuna]

Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. £200 Or best offer.

[Aktungbby]

*SERENITY NOW*

I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga,
and meditation.
If you are the silent type,
let's get together, take out our
hearing aids and enjoy quiet times.

[Jimbuna]

The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.”
The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.”
The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”

[Jimbuna]

Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.

Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?

Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.

Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.

Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause ... ] OK ... [huff ... puff] I have it. It says ... Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.

Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.

[Ciancell]

A man asks an agriculturist close to a field, "Too bad sir, OK mind in the event that I crossed your field as opposed to circumventing it? I need to get the 4:23 train." The agriculturist says, "Beyond any doubt, proceed. Furthermore, if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11

[Jimbuna]

I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?”

My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store your contacts?”

[Jimbuna]

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'

[Jimbuna]

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s Teacher Man.

“I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.”

My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle.

[Jimbuna]

A friend of ours was puzzled with the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting.

"Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

[Aktungbby]

Ciancell!:Kaleun_Salute:

[Jimbuna]

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged £20 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/7LZdMuG.jpg

[Jimbuna]

I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.

The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/OGMdFF1.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were having lunch. Gates boasted of the innovations his company had made. "If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has, we'd all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 m.p.g."

"I suppose that's true," the GM exec agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?"

[Jimbuna]

The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."

[Jimbuna]

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/9DCnZvU.jpg

[Catfish]

Being a man, i always use two women parking places.
Makes it much more believable.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/CGhoHhk.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A solar-powered computer wristwatch, which is programmed to tell the time and date for 125 years, has a guarantee—for two years.

[Jimbuna]

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

[Jimbuna]

A left wing politician, a TV reporter and an SAS Trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of Keep The Red Flag Flying, The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV, The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the backside. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the Trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, Because, said the Trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of buggas saying it was an unprovoked attack!!

[Catfish]

^ :o

:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Platapus]

Seiko is designing a solar powered pocket watch.

It's not a joke, just odd.

[Jimbuna]

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

[Jimbuna]

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.

“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

[Platapus]

A guy and his blond date are at a bar, watching the 11 o'clock news on the TV. The news is covering someone who went out on a 20th floor building ledge and is threatening to jump.

"I'll bet you $20 that he jumps," says the guy.

"And I'll bet you $20 that he doesn't," says the blond.

A few minutes later, the fellow jumps. The blond takes out $20 and hands it to her date.

"I can't take your money," he replies. "This actually happened earlier and I saw it on the 5 o'clock news."

"I saw it too," replies the blond, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[Jimbuna]

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

[Platapus]

I think these loaves that you cut yourself, to any thickness you like, are the best thing since sliced bread.

[Jimbuna]

If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims?

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”

[Platapus]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Jimbuna]

A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts.

“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.

“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”

[Platapus]

A German shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat all died at the same moment. They found themselves before the Throne of God, who asked them what they believed.

"I believe in unquestioning loyalty and obedience to my master," said the shepherd.

"Excellent, replied God, "You may sit at my right hand. And you?" he asked the Doberman.

"I believe in protecting my master and his family at all costs."

"Excellent, replied God, "You may sit at my left hand. And what about you, cat?"

"I believe you are in my chair."

[Jimbuna]

One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report.

“Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked.

“No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”

[Jimbuna]

Saw this sign on a shop that was going out of business in a shopping centre recently...

“Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.”

[Platapus]

I've had a really bad day.

First, my ex. got run over by a bus, and then I was fired from my job as a bus driver.

[Jimbuna]

The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including:

• Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts.

• Don’t leave footprints on the toilet.

• Don’t dry your underwear on lampshades.

[Platapus]

A fellow found an old lamp and gave it a rub. Out popped a genie.

"I am the genie of the lamp. I grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?"

"I wish you were bad at arithmetic."

"Done," said the genie. "You now have 14 wishes."

[Jimbuna]

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" she asked her customer.

"Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."

[Platapus]

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief, suffering and stomach acid years after it's been consumed.

It's called wedding cake.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/KNdxVXA.jpg

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/BsliJ3L.jpg

[Platapus]

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Mork_417]

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Why do i feel like i participated in that study? :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you’d like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.

[Jimbuna]

Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it.

"I’m sorry," said Patrick. "That’s impossible. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there."

[Jimbuna]

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?"

"Neither," she said. "It’s a fish."

[Platapus]

Random fact: Your kitchen sink can't open a door

Let that sink in for a moment.

[Jimbuna]

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln and there at the cathedral, he saw a similar golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York and Liverpool

In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American then travelled to the North of England and arrived in Newcastle and as he entered the cathedral there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches and it was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50 pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Geordieland now, son .... it's a local call.' !!

[Jimbuna]

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won’t let us in a restaurant with pets."

Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d’ stops them, saying, "Sir, you can’t bring your dog in here."

"But I’m blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."

The maître d’, apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d’ says.

"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

[Jimbuna]

After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.

"A for apple," he began. "P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for—"

The flustered agent interrupted. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples."

[Jimbuna]

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair."

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

[Jimbuna]

It was a busy lunch hour, made longer by one of my customers who couldn’t make up his mind about what to order. After loudly polling everyone at his table, he asked me, "What do you think I should have?"

Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: "How about a picnic?"

[Jimbuna]

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.

“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”

[Jimbuna]

I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted.

I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don’t forget to empty the trash.

Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear."

[Jimbuna]

While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my new license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, “E I E I O.” “Here,” the woman standing next to me answered.

Curious, I asked if she was married to a farmer, or maybe taught preschool.

“Neither,” she replied. “My name is McDonald.”

[Jimbuna]

A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. "I told you that my last name is Sweady," he said, "but you have it listed as Cyirwu."

"I’m sorry, sir," the phone company rep said. "I’ll fix it so it’ll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now how do you spell your name?"

"Just like I told you before," the customer said. "It’s S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u and Y as in you."

[Jimbuna]

Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. “Would you care for chardonnay or burgundy?” he asked the high-paying passengers.

A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle. “Excuse me,” he said, looking down at us, “would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red.”

[Jimbuna]

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck.

Finally I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.

"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

[Catfish]

The pessimist: It can't get any worse.
The optimist: Oh yes it can!

[Platapus]

Did you hear that Donald Trump is now a Vietnam war hero?

Just this week he was shot down in Hanoi.

[magic452]

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint. The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now. You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys. You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says, "You must really love your wife."

"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes." he replies.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.

Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: “We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time.”

A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”

[Jimbuna]

My wife received a credit-card application in the mail that she had not requested. She didn’t want it, but I did. So I crossed off my wife’s name on the form, entered my own and returned the application. I soon got a phone call from a woman saying my application had been rejected.

I asked her why, and she told me the card could only be issued to the person originally solicited by the offer. However, she invited me to reapply, which I did during the same telephone call.

A few days later I got another call to tell me my second application had been rejected.

Why? The woman told me their files showed that I had previously applied for a card and had been declined.

[Jimbuna]

The aquarium shop where I work has been in business for more than 20 years. One Sunday a customer called wanting to buy a larger aquarium. "And by the way, I’ve spent a lot of money at your store over the years," he said. "I think I should get a discount."

"Only our owner can give a discount," I explained, "and he won’t be in until tomorrow."

When the customer said that he’d come in the next day, I asked him if there was anything else I could help him with.

"Sure," he said. "Where is your store located?"

[Jimbuna]

On the back of a septic-service company truck:

“Satisfaction guaranteed, or your merchandise cheerfully refunded.”

[Jimbuna]

During the mortgage closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. When I asked if I should read it, my attorney replied, “Legally, you should. But here’s the bottom line: If you pay your installments on time, there is nothing in there that could harm you. Should you stop paying, however, there is definitely nothing in the small print that can save you.”

[Jimbuna]

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”

[Jimbuna]

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

[Jimbuna]

I hate jokes about German sausages.

They’re the wurst.

[Jimbuna]

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

[mikesn9]

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.


BOO! HISS!!

Chuckle.

[Jimbuna]

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

[Jimbuna]

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

[Jimbuna]

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a binman,” he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that binmen work only on Tuesdays.”

[Platapus]

This reminds me of the joke about the roofer.

I would tell it to you but I am afraid it would be over your head.