The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.

I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

[Jeff-Groves]

An Eskimo man turned 18...
His father said to him
"To be a true Eskimo man you must do three things. Drink a whole bottle of vodka, kill a polar bear with your own two hands and then make love to an Eskimo woman!"

"Alright lets get started." The man says and he starts chugging the bottle.
After a minute or two he finishes it. His father helps him up.

"Now for that polar bear." His father says as he leads him out the door.
They arrive at the polar bears cave. He stumbles in and after a few minutes his father hears the most violent screaming ever!

After a few more minutes he he stumbles out of the cave bruised and bloody and says to his dad,
"Now where's that woman I gotta kill?"


----------




My eye Dr. is an Eskimo
I guess you could say I'm seeing an optical Aleutian

[Jimbuna]

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

[Eichhörnchen]

What do you call a champion boxer with wind?

"Gaseous Clay"

[Platapus]

I received an advance copy of Trump's latest biography.

There might have been a printing error as every chapter is Chapter 11.

[Jimbuna]

What washes up on very small beaches?

Micro-waves

[Jimbuna]

What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

[Catfish]

"Here we throw food into the bin, and in Africa lions have to starve, because the childen are so thin."


Yes, this was bad :oops:

[Catfish]

What washes up on very small beaches?
Micro-waves
I thought this would be very small women, doing the wash up on very small beaches :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

They just don’t have the guts.

[Jimbuna]

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

[Platapus]

I twisted my ankle while digging for gold
It was a miner injury

[Jimbuna]

On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?”
Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.”

[Jimbuna]

A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big "S" on the side to show everyone the car is his. While he's flexing his new car down the streets of Los Angeles, he passes an elderly couple sitting on their porch. As he passes the man exclaims to his wife, " Look at that S-Car-Go!"

[Platapus]

When I picked up my Chinese food take out, there was no cookie
It was unfortunate

[Jimbuna]

A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!

[Platapus]

My doctor said that I had to lose 200 Pounds for my health and general well being.


I took his advice. My divorce becomes final next month

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An Investigator!

[Jimbuna]

What happened when the frog's car broke down on the side of the road?

A: It gets toad away.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What type of market should you NEVER take your dog?

A: A flea market!

[Jimbuna]

Hippo 1: You look like you’re gaining weight.

Hippo 2: That’s very hippo-critical of you.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview?

A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."

[Platapus]

I went to a multi-cultural restaurant and asked for an Italian Salad with some Ethiopian Bread


The waiter refused to bring my order, claiming that it would be adding Insalate to Injera

[Von Due]

I had a duck burger. It was delicious but the bill didn't go down well.

[Jimbuna]

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

[Jimbuna]

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?

A: A mechanic.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

[Catfish]

^ Wouldn't that be a web designer?

[Platapus]

"I'm seeing spots before my eyes"


"Are you seeing a doctor?"


"no, just those spots so far"

[Jimbuna]

^ Wouldn't that be a web designer?

:):up:

[Jimbuna]

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

[Eisenwurst]

Mickey Mouse gets rushed to hospital with a broken knee.

The doctor says "which one?".

Mickey says.....:)....."Dis Knee".

[Von Due]

Woman in the hospital lobby: I'm here for an appointment.
The receptionist: Which doctor?
Woman: No, a regular one.

[Eisenwurst]

Why did Mickey Mouse leave home?

'Cause his dad was a rat.

[Platapus]

Judge: I am sorry, Mr. Mouse, but I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie based on your claim that Minnie is insane


Micky Mouse: Your honor, I did not say that Minnie was insane, I said that Minnie was f-ing Goofy!

[Jimbuna]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

[Eisenwurst]

Why'd Mickey Mouse leave home??

'Cause he couldn't stand his Old Cheese. ( Aussie slang for Mum. )

[Jimbuna]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, "Hey, that's neat. Where did you get that?" The parrot says, "France—they've got millions of them there."

[Jimbuna]

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "You don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often." The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

[Eisenwurst]

Saw a gorgeous woman at Mcdonalds spank her child for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too :)

[Catfish]

^ :rotfl2::har:

[Jimbuna]

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49." The duck replies, "Put it on my bill."

[Jimbuna]

So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any jobs?" and the bartender says, "Why don't you try the circus?" The dog replies, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

[Catfish]

"Doctor, how's that kid doing that swallowed all of those coins?"
"No change yet."

[Catfish]

Shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

[Eisenwurst]

This guy's wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

He hears a loud thud and goes into the kitchen.

She's dead on the floor.

He panics. "Omg, what do I do??".

Then he remembers.....

Mcdonalds do All Day Breakfast.

[Commander Wallace]

Shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

:haha:
Good stuff, everyone. :Kaleun_Applaud:

[Eisenwurst]

There's a cheap hooker that works round the corner from Mcdonalds.

Quarter? Pound her.

[Jimbuna]

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

[Catfish]

If a service dog appoaches you and he is alone, it means the owner can't move and is in trouble.
Follow the dog to get a free wallet.

[Catfish]

My grandpa has the heart of a lion!
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

[Platapus]

My Uncle got arrested for something he didn't do.


He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the safe.

[Jimbuna]

A bilingual road sign in Wales caught bikers off guard. The English part read Cyclists Dismount. The Welsh: Llid Y Bledren Dymchwelyd, or "Bladder disease has returned." One theory for the mistake—instead of typing cyclist into an online translation program, someone typed cystitis.

[Jimbuna]

A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where's my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.

Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: "Yeah, the service stinks!"

Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

[Jimbuna]

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Jimbuna]

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"

[Catfish]

"People who had sex with celebrities, how was it?"


"Great until they kicked my out of the wax museum."

[Jimbuna]

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.

"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"

The cat replies, "Um, I'm a gnome."

[Jimbuna]

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

[Jimbuna]

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Would you?"

[Jimbuna]

When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That's great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."

[Jimbuna]

A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered. "Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked. "Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That's how we got into this mess in the first place."

[Jimbuna]

John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John's grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"

For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear any more about it!"

Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"

[Jimbuna]

I was shopping in the pet section of my local supermarket when I overheard a woman singing the praises of a particular water bowl to her husband.

"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded, holding the doggie dish out for her husband's inspection.

He had a slightly different take on things: "Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."

[Jimbuna]

My law partner was presenting a no-fault divorce case to an Ohio domestic-relations court. The couple involved had no children, but they did have a dog, of whom both were very fond.

My partner stated that both parties agreed to share whatever medical expenses might be necessary for the care of the animal. They also agreed that the wife would have custody, but that the husband would be allowed visitation rights.

The judge, looking somewhat startled, peered down at the husband and asked, "Is this true?"

The husband replied, "Yes, Your Honor."

"Well," intoned the judge, with a trace of a smile on his face, "you should know that there is nothing this court can do for you if the dog refuses to see you."

[Jimbuna]

My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home. Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would remain overnight. “Overnight?” I said. “My father-in-law came home the same day.” The vet looked at me and said, “Bo’s not on Medicare.”

[Jimbuna]

A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark."

"You're crazy! He'll rip you limb from limb," the feeder said, laughing. "But, hey, if you're so brave, be my guest."

The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.

"I thought you could hypnotize him," sneered the feeder.

"I did," the hypnotist said, holding his arm. "Now he thinks he's an alligator."

[Jimbuna]

Our cat, Figaro, comes home between 10 or 11 at night to eat. If he's late, I turn on the carport light and call him until he appears.

One day my daughter was explaining to a friend where we live, and her friend said, "Is that anywhere near the house where the woman stands on her steps late at night and sings opera?"

[Jimbuna]

My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet store to buy Slinky's dinner.

The worst part of this wasn't choosing the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you for giving me a home."

[Catfish]

Mr and Mrs Churchill walked through London, greeting and being greeted by people they met. A street sweeper only greets Mrs Churchill, and they both talk intimately for a short time.
After a while Churchill asks his wife whether and how she knew that man, and his wife respnded "Ah you know he was once in love with me".
Churchill smiled and said "See, if you had married him you would now be the wife of a street sweeper!"
And she spoke the legendary words "But no darling, if i had married him he would now be prime minister."

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 detour.

[Jimbuna]

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie talkie.

[Jimbuna]

Why are robots never afraid?

They have nerves of steel.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get if you cross a pie and a snake?

A pie-thon.

[Jimbuna]

Can February March?

No, but April May.

[Jimbuna]

What did the science book say to the math book?

Wow, you've got problems.

[Jimbuna]

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

[Catfish]

Give a man a flying ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Primemates!

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a nun who sleepwalks?

A roamin' Catholic.

[Jeff-Groves]

How did NASCAR get it's name?
A group of Good Ol' Boys were racing cars around when one of them said
"That right there be a nas car Buddy!"

[mikesn9]

How did NASCAR get it's name?
A group of Good Ol' Boys were racing cars around when one of them said
"That right there be a nas car Buddy!"


Oh, I thought it was:
Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

[Catfish]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.


The nurse asks the rabbit "What's your blood type?"


"I'm probably a Type O."

[Platapus]

Why do they call it Necrophilia instead of Stalemate?

[Jimbuna]

Where do mermaids look for jobs?

The kelp-wanted section.

[Jimbuna]

Why is there a gate around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!

[Texas Red]

I was at a hospital and I said "Stay positive"

I got kicked out.

[Eisenwurst]

A guy goes to the movies.

He notices a kangaroo sitting next to him watching the film.

"Hey", he says, "You're a kangaroo. What are you doing here?"

The kangaroo says, "well I liked the book". :)

[Jimbuna]

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?

A strawberry.

[Eisenwurst]

A guy goes into a pub with his kangaroo.

They're knocking back the drinks, getting brahms and lizst.

Suddenly the kangaroo falls unconscious on the floor.

The drunk staggers out of the pub, and the barman yells at him...

"Hey buddy you can't leave that lying here".

The drunks turns around with great dignity and says "For your information mate, that's not a lion it's a kangaroo".

[Jimbuna]

If it takes two men to dig a hole in one day how long would it take for one man to dig a half a hole?

There is no such thing as a half a hole.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a rabbit with lice?

Bugs Bunny.

[Eisenwurst]

A guy, dressed only in bubblewrap, goes to see a psychiatrist.

"Please help me doc" he says.

"No", says the shrink, "I can clearly see your nuts".

[Jimbuna]

What do you call babies in the army?

Infantry!

[Jimbuna]

What do you do when an astronaut’s wife is upset?

Give her some space.

[Jimbuna]

Mr. Red and Ms. Red live in the red house; Mr. Purple and Ms. Purple live in the purple house. Who lives in the white house?

The president!

[Platapus]

I think that 6:30 is the best time of the day
Hands down

[Platapus]

A friend of mine told me that she was having a hard time paying her water bill.


I sent her a "Get Well Soon" card.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frost bite!

[Jimbuna]

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me!

[Platapus]

I got fired from my job at Uber.
Evidently going that extra mile is not recommended

[Platapus]

I got fired from my retail store because my till was always a little bit short


When asked why, I told my boss, "Because when I work, I always give 110%"

[Jimbuna]

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

[Jimbuna]

As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this question right after brain surgery, so a colleague suggested I ask patients to show me their teeth. Armed with this new phrase, I said to my next patient, “Mr. Smith, show me your teeth.” He shook his head. “The nurse has them.”

[Platapus]

What has four letters. Sometimes has nine letters. Never has five letters.

[Jimbuna]

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

[Jimbuna]

A doctor told his patient, "There's good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss." The patient said, "Oh no, Doctor. What's the bad news?"

[Jeff-Groves]

What has four letters. Sometimes has nine letters. Never has five letters.

Boo!
:/\\!!:nope::roll:

[Platapus]

I decided to quit my job as a treadmill tester


The job was going no where fast.

[Platapus]

I had to return my box of animal crackers to the store


The seal was broken

[Jimbuna]

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

[Jimbuna]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[Jimbuna]

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

[Jimbuna]

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision. As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

[Jimbuna]

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.” “Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.” Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

[Jimbuna]

Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.

"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."

[Jimbuna]

I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.

"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.

"None," said the patient.

Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn't so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"

[Catfish]

^ 'twas but a midget :03:

[Jimbuna]

They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

[Mr Quatro]

https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/166452143_223581246219903_8020120647010567046_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=5RMuJW4sTBoAX_r0R2b&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=40bd1b3fb5ffd85cee6941d1f4ecbae8&oe=608C631B

[Peter Cremer]

https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/166452143_223581246219903_8020120647010567046_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=5RMuJW4sTBoAX_r0R2b&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=40bd1b3fb5ffd85cee6941d1f4ecbae8&oe=608C631B


And I'm not going to shave it off!!:haha:


I've had this one since 1973.

[Jimbuna]

It was time for my dog's annual checkup. Following the vet's instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

[Jimbuna]

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That"s good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."

[Eisenwurst]

Why was the Easter Bunny upset ?

'Cause he was having a bad hare day.

[Jimbuna]

Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn't help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.

"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."

[Jimbuna]

Last Valentine's Day, I arrived at the doctor's office where I work as a receptionist to find a mystery man pacing up and down holding a package. As I got out of the car, he declared warmly, "I have something for you." I excitedly ripped open the bundle. It was a urine sample.

[Jimbuna]

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."

[Jimbuna]

A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy's still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn't help his condition either.

"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.

"I know. That I can cure."

[Platapus]

I am worried about my girlfriend, I have not seen her in a while.
She is an airline flight attendant and the last time I saw her was when I dropped her off at the airport in Helsinki


It is like she disappeared in finnair

[Jimbuna]

As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette.
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."

[Platapus]

I guess it is too late to post Suez Canal jokes.


I mean, that ship has already sailed.

[Platapus]

Upon reflection, I can see myself working in a mirror factory one day.

[Jimbuna]

When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.

"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."

"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

[Jimbuna]

One day in a pediatric clinic a young patient was given a urine sample container and told to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to the nurses station with an empty cup.

"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

[Platapus]

Never pay full price for a dog
After all, a bargain dog never bites

[Jimbuna]

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."

"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

[Catfish]

^ and the final sentence
"Do you want a room with a view?" :D

[Jimbuna]

^ :haha:

[Platapus]

I once knew this girl who could not stop counting
I wonder what she is up to these days?

[Platapus]

Due to COVID, there will be no spectators allowed at our next fly fishing event.


But it will be live streamed.

[Platapus]

I don't like things that are Politically Incorrect.


Other than the fact that I think Benjamin Franklin was the best president we ever had.

[Jimbuna]

After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their problems and pay me for my advice."

As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his hand. Since it was the weekend, my friend had to summon the doctor from home.

The tourist was dismayed to see that the doctor was young, had long hair and wore sandals and a very casual shirt. "You don't look much like a doctor to me," he said dubiously.

The doctor examined the hook in the tourist's hand and responded, "And you don't look much like a fish to me."

[Jimbuna]

During my uncle's physical exam, his doctor mentioned that he was slightly overweight. "Do you get any exercise?" the physician asked. "Well, I used to have an exercise bike in the TV room," my uncle began. "Used to!" the doctor said. "Where is it now?" "I had to store it in the basement," my uncle confessed, "because it got in the way of my snack trays."

[Jimbuna]

Carol was pregnant with her first child, and her husband was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Carol went to her doctor appointment, she had some questions.

"My husband wants me to ask you something—" Carol began.

The doctor interrupted her. "I get asked that question all the time," he said in a reassuring tone. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it!" an embarrassed Carol confessed. "My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[THE_MASK]

Why is there no pain relief tablets in the jungle .
Because the Parots ate em all .

[Catfish]

^ but.. this.. no.. :o :wah: :dead:

[Jimbuna]

Last New Year's Eve found me in the hospital scheduled for an operation to remove hemorrhoids. So while others donned party hats and sipped champagne, I wore a hospital gown and swigged painkillers. That's not to say the holiday spirit was completely absent.

The next day, January 1, I woke up to a banner on my bedroom wall. It screamed "Happy New Rear!"

[Jimbuna]

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:

"The patient refused autopsy."

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."

[Jimbuna]

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak. The nurse put down the form, took my hands in hers and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, feeling relieved. "Please continue."

"Good. Now," the nurse went on, "do you have a living will?"

[Jimbuna]

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

[Jimbuna]

A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

"You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real."

"I know," he says. "But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock."

[Jimbuna]

I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

[Jimbuna]

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "you must each produce something representative of the holidays." The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. "This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "These are bells." He's allowed in too. "So," Peter says to the third man, "what do you have?" The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties. "What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter. "They're Carol's."

[Jimbuna]

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

[Platapus]

Word of the day: Airgasam


That feeling you get when you take off your mask and take that first deep breath of cool air

[Jimbuna]

Just before Easter I remarked to my wife that, with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn't dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt. "That's all right, honey," she said. "We can just hide each other's vitamin pills."

[Platapus]

I went to a beautiful wedding. It affected us all. Even the wedding cake was in tiers

[Platapus]

A rancher counted 196 head of cattle when they were out on the range, but when he rounded them up, he had 200

[Jimbuna]

Just got back from my mates funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

[Jimbuna]

Because of this pandemic does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

[Platapus]

I started a band that I call 999 Megabytes. We have not gotten a gig yet

[Platapus]

Q: Why does a stadium get hot after the game?


A: Because all the fans leave

[Texas Red]

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A horrible boating accident.

[Jimbuna]

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

[Jimbuna]

A drunk goes to court.

The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking"

The drunk says "Great. Let's get started"

[Platapus]

I think that the shovel was a groundbreaking invention

[Platapus]

A lot of people have been shocked to learn how bad I am as an electrician

[Jimbuna]

A husband died and a few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Look at that drunk guy.
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: Ten years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.
Husband: Oh my God, he's still celebrating.....

[Platapus]

I used to work in an Orange Juice factory
I got fired because I could not concentrate

[Platapus]

Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a Mask during COVID


I still wear underwear after all!

[Jimbuna]

Elderly couple in church.
Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"
Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

[Jimbuna]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman"

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

An Irishman stands up, removes his shirt and says. "Here, iron this!"

[Jimbuna]

The other night, the wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her "Only you, All the others kept me awake all night!"

The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.

[Jimbuna]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

[Platapus]

Marriage is like a three-ringed circus


There is the engagement ring
There is the wedding ring
And then there is the suffering

[Jimbuna]

The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

[Jimbuna]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you"

The drunk replies "Boobs"

[Jimbuna]

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.

With extremely limited memory.

Just 1 Byte.

Then everything crashed.

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...

She hugged me.

[Texas Red]

What is an eggs favorite car?

A yolkswagen :D

[Jimbuna]

I asked my grandpa, "After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?"

He Said "I forgot her name five years ago and I'm too scared to ask her."

[Jimbuna]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years time."

He said, "That's a mirror, idiot!"

[Jimbuna]

So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. I say "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."

So I said, "Okay, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.

[Jimbuna]

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

[Jeff-Groves]

I had a friend that planted some dope in his garden.

All that grew out of it was a life sentence for murder.

[Rockstar]

Why does the NSA conduct surveillance of all Americans?
Because voters want a president who will listen to them.

Ba-dum Bum.:D

[Jeff-Groves]

What kind of murderer has moral fiber?
A cereal killer.

----------

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." says the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.

The husband says, "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

Moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember - fairies are female.

----------

I watched the movie "UP"
The only thing I got out of it is that I can't have a real adventure until my Wife dies.

----------

My moral compass is broken...
...so I got an ethical GPS instead. It gives lousy directions but I always end up meeting the nicest people.

[Jeff-Groves]

I took the book 'Cat Sense' and replaced Cat with wife.
I now understand my wife better.
Here's an example:

In wife Sense, renowned anthrozoologist John Bradshaw takes us further into the mind of the domestic wife than ever before, using cutting-edge scientific research to dispel the myths and explain the true nature of our female friends. Tracing the wife's evolution from lone predator to domesticated companion, Bradshaw shows that although wifes and humans have been living together for at least eight thousand years, wifes remain independent, predatory, and wary of contact with their own kind, qualities that often clash with our modern lifestyles. wifes still have one out of two feet firmly planted in the wild, and within only a few generations can easily revert back to the independent way of life that was the exclusive preserve of their predecessors some 10,000 years ago. wifes are astonishingly flexible, and given the right environment they can adapt to a life of domesticity with their husbands—but to continue do so, they will increasingly need our help. If we're to live in harmony with our wifes, Bradshaw explains, we first need to understand their inherited quirks: understanding their body language, keeping their environments—however small—sufficiently interesting, and becoming more proactive in managing both their natural hunting instincts and their relationships with other wifes.

[Catfish]

^ lmao :har:

[Jimbuna]

He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch tv she asked "Why stop?"

"I found the remote" he replied.

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

[Jimbuna]

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[Texas Red]

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

[Catfish]

"I wish I wouldn't exist"
Djinn: Granted.
"But nothng changed!"
Djinn: Look agan.

[Jimbuna]

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and I'm now living in constant fear.

[Jimbuna]

My wife accused me of being immature because I told her to get out of my fort.

[Platapus]

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

A lot of people have been shocked to learn how bad I am as an electrician


A joke so nice that we tell it twice. :D

[Platapus]

I used to think that my Chiropractor was not very good.
But now, I stand corrected.

[Jeff-Groves]

Our Emergency Room Doctor has an unusual Hobby.
He is a Stand up comedian.
Every time I visit him he leaves me in stitches.

[Armistead]

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Jimbuna]

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

[Jimbuna]

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

[Texas Red]

How do you confuse someone?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.

[Platapus]

The local sporting goods store had a huge sale on canoe accessories


It was quite the oar-deal

[Texas Red]

What's yellow and is something you shouldn't drink?

A school bus.

[Catfish]

^ In Germany, all postal things were yellow, from letter boxes to buses etc..
From 1980ies:

What's yellow and is something you shouldn't drink?
A school post bus.

What is yellow and hops through the forest?
The post frog.

What is yellow and sinks?
The post ship.

[Catfish]

Two U-boats meet in a forest.
Says the one "So?"
Says the other "So what?"

[Jimbuna]

Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that.

[Jimbuna]

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.....and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

[Catfish]

""Why did you knock on the fridge?"
"Because there could be a salad dressing."

[Catfish]

So you say Mexico is only sending drug dealers and rapists.
But you worry they will take your jobs.
What exactly do you do for a living?

[Jimbuna]

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

[Jimbuna]

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

[ET2SN]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCOcsWhufNA


:Kaleun_Wink:

[Jimbuna]

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.

[Platapus]

Wife: You have to do more chores around the house!


me: Can you change the subject?


Wife: More of the chores around the house need to be done by you.

[Jimbuna]

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

[Jimbuna]

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

[Jeff-Groves]

I managed to clone myself, but something went wrong.
My clone would repeatedly stick his head out the fourth-story window, and curse at people below.
I was at a loss, and deeply embarrassed by My clone's behavior.
After two weeks of pleading and threatening My clone, I saw no other alternative than to push the clone out the window.
Within an hour, I was arrested!
I was charged with making an obscene clone fall.

[Jeff-Groves]

Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.

----------

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

----------

I have kleptomania.
When it gets bad I take something for it.

[Platapus]

Upon reflection, I can see myself working in a mirror factory one day.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.


Another one so nice we post it twice. :D

[Jeff-Groves]

A recent trip by Explorers to the Titanic wreck site confirmed that all the pools are still full of water.

----------

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues,
"one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them! I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says,
"I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot,
"but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

[Moonlight]

^I like that one. :D

[Jeff-Groves]

World War II is in full force, and a Japanese plane and an american plane both crash after a dogfight on a deserted jungle island.
The American pilot and Japanese pilot meet on the beach and figure they'll call a truce until they're rescued.

"Alright" says the American. "I'll get the fire going."
Then tells the Japanese pilot to go into the forest and handle the supplies.

Time passes, and soon a roaring signal fire is going, but the sun is starting to go down and the Japanese pilot is nowhere to be found.

Not wanting to be down a man in their situation, the American ventures into the woods to look for him.

He searches for many hours then decides to head back to camp and to continue the search tomorrow.

As he gets back to camp,
the Japanese pilot jumps out from behind a rock and yells
"SUPPLIES!!!"

[Aktungbby]

^ She actually leapt out; ripped open her pilots tunic; and shrieked Nipponese!:x

[Jimbuna]

I tried to catch fog yesterday, mist.

[Jimbuna]

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

[Jimbuna]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

[Jimbuna]

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.

It runs in our jeans.

[Platapus]

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office License,

you will pay
You have my word

[Platapus]

Who ever stole my glasses, you can't hide forever
I have contacts

[Jimbuna]

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.

[Jimbuna]

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

[Jeff-Groves]

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they've aimed at themselves"

----------

I was in a car dealership looking at some newer models.
Of course I was asking questions until it came to...
"cargo space?".
The dealer replies
"car no do that. car go road

[Platapus]

When we were out for a drive, my wife suddenly blurted out that I have no sense of direction


I wondered where that came from?

[Jimbuna]

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

[Jeff-Groves]

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer.
Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet,
so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked,
"What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied,
"I work for the IRS."

[Jeff-Groves]

2 foreigners want to immigrate to Canada so they go to the immigration office.
First guy goes in and the immigration officer asks “alright you want to come into Canada, what do you do for work?”

The foreigner says “oh I a pilot, I a pilot “
Immigration officer goes “alright a pilot sounds good welcome to Canada”

Second guy walks in and is greeted with the same question about his occupation.
He replies “oh I a chop a da wood, I chop a da wood”

Immigration officer replies “oh no sorry we already have enough lumber jacks in Canada”

Clearly sad, the foreigner asks “oh that a to bad, how my buddy do ? Did he get into Canada?”

Immigration officer says “oh yeah we let your buddy in he’s a pilot!”

The foreigner replies “oh no no no! I chop a da wood, he a pile-it!”

[Jimbuna]

I feel bad for the homeless guy but a whole lot batter for the homeless guy's dog because he must be thinking "Man, this is the longest walk ever."

[Jeff-Groves]

I was in a Night Club a few nights ago and this really ugly Woman came up and grabbed my butt!

She said, "Hey sexy! Can I give you my phone number?"

So I asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied, "I sure do!"

I said, "Then get your arse back to it before the farmer comes looking for you!"

[Jimbuna]

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

[Platapus]

My IPod would not connect to my car's BT so I threw the Ipod in the lake.
It turned out well as the IPod started syncing immediately

[Jeff-Groves]

A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off.

I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.